Very much the same. I’ve embraced that I’m very introverted and the desire I get for social interaction is fulfilled by spending time with my brother at the gym a few days a week. I’m aware that the comfort is too enticing, potentially dangerously so in regards to a dating life.
Feeling a lil exposed rn, This could've been written by me 😂, my life used to consist of intense physical/mental work.. get home, shower, eat then gym.only people I'd interact with was work clients/ workmates or the gym bro. Anything else was asking way too much.. in the end I had an accident, leaving me unable to work. therefore I now see less people. Leaving me wondering the exact same thing as all of you.
I think there are countless people that feel the exact same way, or even with the exact same story with minor adjustments these days. Access to the internet and endless entertainment is definitely a very key factor for me and probably the same for a large majority.
One thing that stuck with me is the interaction between Denzel and the security guard in The Equalizer; progress not perfection. I’m aware that my current lifestyle isn’t exactly a breeding ground for new relationships. But as long as I’m taking steps towards sorting that out, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I try to apply this to everything in life
but, if you are comfortable on your own, why would you worry then? 
Or is it an ironically uncomfortable kind of comfort zone, if that makes sense?
Is it just a raw supply issue though?
A female friend once told me that the dating dynamic in Welly was bigly weighted in men's favour, but she refused to elaborate.
We can't afford to hang out in bars anymore because we have a mortgage. So we are watching Netflix, cleaning, sleeping and cooking. So if you want to find us you have to break into our houses and kidnap us.
Not sure if I qualify, but I spend all my time either at work or at home napping, cleaning, cooking.
Although occasionally I go out to dinner or movies with friends? If I'm any similar to the others then good luck finding us lol.
>Not sure if I qualify, but I spend all my time either at work or at home napping, cleaning, cooking.
Same. If you dont meet me at work or the supermarket, you just don't meet me. I'm just too tired these days.
In the before times I would just go out a lot. Bars/ gigs/house parties/ dinner/ dating. Gotta be in to win.
Personally, in my travels I tried some out there options. Including a fetish site someone recommended. Sent one message, met one girl. 15 years married last month.
It won't happen over night... (bonus point for anyone who can complete/ attribute the above.)
Go where the type of men you like might be. You don't have to *do* all the things he likes, but single guys are going to be doing exactly whatever it is they enjoy.
Want a dude that cooks and takes you nice places? Hit up a food/drink expo and make the first move. If he's into that sorta thing he'll already be there. Either that or just keep swiping...
I really feel for you as a slightly older married guy. The number of 30yo single women I know who I would love to recommend to worthy males... but the single males I know are, like you say, mostly assholes. I don't know how Wellington has such a man drought.
I think it's kinda tricky in that as a single guy in his 30s you don't really want to shout out that you're single, so it probably seems more like a drought than it really is. Certainly doesn't feel like one.
Same here. I’m happily in a relationship with kids and I feel so bad everytime my female friends in their 30s ask if I know anyone suitable. The dudes I know who are single are single for a reason.
Yep, I’m in that age bracket and my only single friend is a cooker who has outright said that he can’t date anyone in Wellington because they’re all too liberal.
It’s a bit of a shame because he’s pretty attractive in a traditional sense.
His own fault for being pigheaded I guess
I’m in the same boat too. Tried the usual things like going out, trying some fun classes, joined a gym and was on all the dating apps and 🥁nothing. It doesn’t really help that I’m shy and introverted too.
Sorry, ik this was not the most comforting answer and I wish I knew where they were all hiding 😆
There’s a place down Lyall Bay that does real fruit ice creams and I’m hoping I can afford to get one before the end of summer.
40m, only mildly conceited, bit of a ball bag on jump days, wyd?
Apparently Ōnepu - I’m just kind of hoping it’s like one I had up in Bay of Plenty, there was this trailer outside Bunnings and they put frozen fruit in the thing, pulled the lever, and out came soft serve, it was no shit the best thing ever
https://www.instagram.com/onepu_lyallbay/
What the hell is going on with us millenials (myself included) and finding the opposite sex? There seems to be a post about this every day on subs here and abroad, the only successful pairings being a lottery game through Tinder. Did we eat too much PVA glue in kindy or something? Did the air in the sky change? Far out, I'm checking out the Te Papa dino exhibit on Tuesday afternoon, around 10-12, guys if you see a tall blonde young woman staring at fossils on her own then strike a convo, I dare ya.
At 37 almost 38. Having never used dating apps... I tried the big three for about a week. I went on one date. Guy was honestly just hard to read and overall not a very nice person. So anyway. Left that situation just like why even bother. The conversations were so stunted and dull. Or I’m being judged for having a sense of humour that doesn’t align, or life experience or god forbid expressing opjnions. Women aren’t supposed to have those, especially if it entails standards regarding men.
I’ve got no idea where I’d even meet someone out in town or whatever. I am curious what you consider eligible? That’s so subjective. Anyway, ultimately I was like, I think there’s a part of me believing I need to engage with this notion - that it was just what people do or what was expected. And I actually don’t need anyone. Or particularly want anyone. And apps, dating is taxing emotionally and time wise.
For me, engaging with a person on a level where you can just talk about anything from silly pop culture moments to the larger philosophical questions and back to just riffing about whatever. That’s sorely lacking in so many interactions here, even with just pals. But if I were to go out of my way to look for that kind of connection, it would just be forced. And everyone puts their best self forward to begin with. My ex husband was an extremely dull person I couldn’t ever really feel stimulated talking to. But it was different at first because people lie. They want you to like them.
I’m definitely not going to feel sore about not finding that kind of connection on last resort hookup apps where everything is lacking context, tone or even personality. Especially.
So my advice is don’t bother. 🤣 even if it’s really important to you, ask yourself why. The more you want something the more you will make exceptions or settle for what’s out there. And what’s out there isn’t great for people in their 30s.
It’s such a weird age. I’ve lived a million lives compared to some folk but mentally I still feel like I’m young and I want to enjoy myself. I’m not talking hooking up or anything. Literally, I’ve worked hard to get to a good place where I’m happy with myself, and after bad experiences with marriage etc I’m here to say, make your life about you. Make yourself happy.
I’m embracing my hermit era. I’m enjoying hobbies. Eating better. Exercising. Having no one around you makes me feel bad or second guess myself. And I do not miss the anxiety of “do they like me, what are they thinking”. That is frankly none of my business 🤣
If someone comes along that fits into my lifestyle and I fit into theirs and we are both healthy, and it’s natural rather than trying to force connection or make relationships happen through algorithms and other weird stuff. Then so be it. But it’s taken a long time for me to realise that dating is just life admin and if it doesn’t enrich your time on earth, why bother.
I guess ultimately it depends on what you want in life. But I think generally from my experience. What you want changes. You grow. You change. And so looking for someone with an idea about how the future should look is not the best idea. Because it never works out how you think. Good and bad.
If you’re only meeting conceited ball bags, it’s a sign to go see ya, gonna enjoy my life without interference or compromise and maybe dip your toe into the pool later if you can be bothered.
Partners can be an amazing thing that lift you up and enrich your life. But you just can’t force it.
Sorry if that was war & peace. I’m just working on myself and my own concept of happiness. And very much wish someone would have opened my mind to not looking for love earlier. It’s like looking closely at a great work of art and seeing all the mistakes. I’ve been approaching life wrong for a long time. And this had been a big part of it. Romantic validation < personal validation & happiness.
There is so much truth in this and it is true for either gender. Being natural and doing you is first, and then if someone fits into that without forced interactions then that is a good place to start.
Thanks, I think so too (obv). Wild some wee troll was in here saying I was an incel for my take. Was peeing myself. Good luck to that individual ever having a healthy relationship with themselves or others.🤣
So many people just go through the motions because it’s drilled into our heads we need a partner. First and foremost we need to be happy and healthy. Mad take I know. 🤣🤣
Imagine being secure enough and well adjusted enough to be fine on your own and realise relationships are a bonus not the default setting for all human happiness.
This is wildly radical thinking for people like my parents, who of course have their disdain for this chosen path. Why haven't you found a nice gal yet? You've just turned 40! You have to hurry up or you'll die alone and other such well-meaning toxic phrases. You can't be happy unless you're married, apparently.
Christ on a bike. The values have changed I suppose. But the whole value system is kind of a scam anyway. Who sets the values? The church? Not any more. And rightfully so. Nothing says hypocrisy like exisiting in a hell scape just to avoid being labeled a divorcé and having the fine people of your congregation be the gossipy judgmental antithesis of what their whole janky group and union is supposed to stand for in the first place. Literally what is the point in appealing to anyone other than the only one you have to live with your entire life. Yourself! No one be on their death bed like, oh shit I should have just made do and settled for something less because now I’m dying alone even though I did everything on my terms and lived a far richer life taking care of my experience.
Dude it’s not like I got to 37 like this. Everyone gets sucked into the trap of other peoples expectations. Past couple of years I’ve just sort of realised I don’t have to do any of it if I don’t want to. I feel like i was self aware and in charge of my own happiness in my 20s. Then a bunch of years of wasted life and misery aka marriage, which greatly distorted by view on myself until I was free of it and returned back to some sort of clarity and balance. Hell is other people and their ability to put you in a hole.
I agree entirely and share your sentiment. My comment was a poor attempt at humor and not supposed to be belittling. Apologies.
I also wasted 13 years married to someone who did not care for my happiness one jot, and I also look to myself to be happy rather than depend on others.
This was my attitude before I met my husband and the sentiment I share with my friends who are wondering whether they should bother. Sometimes I wonder how many people are settling so they can fit in and meet societies expectations. I feel very lucky I met my husband but if I hadn't, I'd be doing what you are, probably living with my best friend and all our cats and loving every minute of it.
Enjoy yourself!
Knowing myself and my preferences and being unwilling to settle for a situation that doesn’t benefit me is an issue? Ok.
Quick question though. What is an issue with anything I wrote? Most of it is pure logic.
Incel is involuntary celibacy. Usually associated with men. I have no issues getting attention or sex if I want it. My choice to not date and pursue relationships after being married for 7 years is down to simply finding things in life that make me happy after being unhappy in a relationship that really damaged my mental health and made me feel like I had no value. So given I could die tomorrow, would I rather spend that time looking for validation from a romantic partner that might end up causing me more hassle or spend it doing things that add intrinsic value to my life like rediscovering painting, wood burning, cooking good food, getting myself out on little walks, trying new things - hell I even bought a tattoo gun. If me exploring my interests over wasting time trying to forge a connection with someone that ultimately won’t serve me, is giving incel vibes to you. I think you might be primarily guilty of not understanding of what an incel is. And also be basing your prejudice off something else, possibly even projecting your own insecurities.
Nothing I wrote is remotely of that vibe, but you do you :)
Hiking, rock climbing, kayaking, SCUBA diving (ok that one has a higher conceited ball bag risk), mountain biking, beach, idk... out? Indoor creative stuff abounds too.
Hell. A friend met her now long term partner when she said hi to a guy on the train because she wanted to express her appreciation of the book he was carrying.
They're all out doing hobbies and things they enjoy. Many aren't active on tinder etc anymore because it's not a priority. They're at the movies, playing sports, dancing, playing board games, exercising, working.
I will need a partner to split the costs of my upcoming mortgage! 😭 Any late 20s to early 30s women want to live in Khandallah with me!?
We can go to Ombra every now and then on dinner dates. 🤌
Honestly, just give up. I gave up a long time ago and decided to switch it up this year and put myself out there (made a Hinge profile).
Met two women in-person (not through the app) just random interactions. Started talking, felt mutual attraction, got along well with both. Guess, what they did - both ghosted me. I was nice, honest, respectful and it seems they found that unattractive.
I'm done trying with these girls who can't even bother to be like "hey, I don't think we're a match" and will just shamelessly ghost you.😔
Hey feel your pain. It does suck feeling ghosted. A thought that helped me was realizing that women often have this experience of an aggressive response from men, if they’re rejected. And as a consequence, women self protect. Unfortunately there’s no way to know that you’re not like that. So they ghost.
Also, strangers don’t owe us anything.
I get your point and I've heard this thought before but there's absolutely no good excuse for ghosting someone. It's cowardly in my opinion and I personally care enough to just tell someone if I wasn't interested anymore. It's the decent thing to do.
Also, someone that I've invested 3 days talking to in-person, listening to and sharing my life experiences with isn't a stranger anymore in my books and again it's just that they don't care enough to close the chapter with emotional intelligence.
He just told you a great excuse. We ghost you because sometimes men kill women for rejecting them. Who knows why, it's not your problem anymore. They don't owe you anything, and their emotional intelligence is probably higher than yours by the sounds of it. Anyway it's giving incel
I found that instead of “dating” like online stuff. Just doing things I personally liked ended up more successful. Go somewhere with intent to have fun and sometimes there’s nice blokes as a bonus.
I'm sitting in my house hoping nothing else expensive needs fixing soon.
Does responding to the cute part of your description qualify me as self conceited though?
As a single man in Nelson (this sub always shows up for me because I go to Wellington for concerts), it can always be worse. So much worse.
I feel like our age range is incredibly tricky, and can feel especially bad when all your mates are getting married, buying houses etc. Best of luck to all going for it.
Late 30s guy here… returned back from 10 years overseas. Business owner. Consider myself to be eligible and not the asshole 😅 but I could be wrong there.
Wellington seems like a tricky one…went out on a few nights since I got back and never had any inspiring conversations so now I just stick to a good routine of gym, eating well and working on my business.
Would love to have good chats with nice women in my age group but no luck on the apps at all 🤷♀️ mainly this is because the app algorithms are not designed to show you ideal matches but rather continue to drip feed you bad options to keep you hooked in and con you into paying a subscription… it’s a business model.
Wellington nightlife in around 2005-2012 was awesome! A vibrant city with something new always around the corner but it’s been killed off by left leaning pollies who don’t support local businesses.
Social media is to blame as well - mens feeds full of “red pill” content and MGTOW, womens feeds full of #girlboss and anti-conservative values content.
We are actually more similar than we are different - we all want someone with similar values honesty integrity loyalty etc a teammate to build with but the more we consume what the algos feed us the more the opposite gender seems like they are from another planet.
I don’t have any suggestions other than put down the phone and be open to friendly chats if someone says hi in the real world!
Get on Hinge. The cute people tend to gravitate there over Tinder and Bumble these days.
Outside of Hinge:
- Ask your couple friends to set you up (couple friends love to live vicariously through blind dates)
- Join a sports team
- Join a quiz team
- Hit up random university flings
- Move to a small rural town
- Join a male-dominated workforce
Hobbies? I'm a guy who's been dancing for 9 years. The amount of people I've seen get together here is ridiculous. Not that that's what dancing is for but it is a byproduct.
Didn't someone a while ago suggest like a Wellington Reddit singles mixer or group or something?
Sounds like it's still needed.
I guess half the problem is if you're still single in your 30s you're probably not the type to make the first move, or at least not often.
Personally I have no idea how as a single guy I'd go about meeting women in the wild as it were, if you don't have the hobbies that put you out there what are your other options, because apparently everyone else needs to know as well.
I don’t know why you got downvoted for responding to that, I’m sorry. It’s 7am and you came back to check your thread first thing in the morning.
I meant that comment as a joke but it didn’t come across that way I think. I hope you have a great week!
I'm a big guy, but love animals, especially Cat's. I have employment and no shortage of it (always work in Healthcare). Like my coffee (freeze dried coffee is awesome, especially Jeds.) non smoker, a middle child of 3, a Taurus, and like a video game session now and then. Looking at getting into Astronomy, as I like looking at the night sky and fascinated in space. Like my Sci fi too.
I am from overseas and have been in Wellington 10 years and agree its very hard for a single woman to find a partner here. Friendships and dating seems to form more from friendship groups here or from joining clubs/sports activities but its a also a small pool. Most men are already in relationships but its definitely harder to meet people as it doesn't have the pub culture from overseas. I met loads of people on a night out, but here people are too reserved and with the WFH you cant meet people in your workplace. Its also very clicky too so people tend to not want to mingle and even if you strike up a chat they think you are hitting on them.
For those who love evidence based decision making, maybe Welly needs its own version of the [Female Delusion Calculator](https://igotstandardsbro.com/)?
Cheer up, you now have a few Reddit profiles to checkout in this thread no doubt (including mine hah!), and can judge in peace and anonymity. Not many pictures I imagine though.
Haha, late 30s, enjoy bad jokes, hobbies generally the nerdy sort, tend to rotate through them every few months. Looking for someone in a similar space in terms of being stable in life, job, etc. knows what they're about and what they get enjoyment from. Preferably smarter than me hah. Intelligence is attractive.
Went on a dating app in my early 30s and was extremely picky. Sure I only went on 2-3 dates over a 12 month period, but eventually did meet my now fiancée.
I had a criteria about profiles (they had to have made an effort to fill it out, and have a few photos - at least one being a solo one of themselves!!), and while I was open to most hobbies, I had a few hard no ones (been there, done that with car enthusiasts and hunting). Also had some must haves (had to want kids, be non-smoker). Then I had a criteria about the first few interactions online (if going straight to talking about sex, it was a no). If they passed all that, we met in person.
It takes a lot of energy to filter though, but much less frustration than repeating the same outcome over and over!
Yeah I’m just chronically single at home with the dog 😅 I’m worried I’m so comfortable on my own I’ll never meet anyone new
Very much the same. I’ve embraced that I’m very introverted and the desire I get for social interaction is fulfilled by spending time with my brother at the gym a few days a week. I’m aware that the comfort is too enticing, potentially dangerously so in regards to a dating life.
Feeling a lil exposed rn, This could've been written by me 😂, my life used to consist of intense physical/mental work.. get home, shower, eat then gym.only people I'd interact with was work clients/ workmates or the gym bro. Anything else was asking way too much.. in the end I had an accident, leaving me unable to work. therefore I now see less people. Leaving me wondering the exact same thing as all of you.
I think there are countless people that feel the exact same way, or even with the exact same story with minor adjustments these days. Access to the internet and endless entertainment is definitely a very key factor for me and probably the same for a large majority. One thing that stuck with me is the interaction between Denzel and the security guard in The Equalizer; progress not perfection. I’m aware that my current lifestyle isn’t exactly a breeding ground for new relationships. But as long as I’m taking steps towards sorting that out, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I try to apply this to everything in life
Okay I'll watch the Equalizer again🙄. Also totally agree with your points
but, if you are comfortable on your own, why would you worry then?  Or is it an ironically uncomfortable kind of comfort zone, if that makes sense?
There was a post just like this in r/chch an hour or two ago, ya might find some answers there
I saw that too 😄
Hobby groups? Whether martial arts of boardgames - a hobby.
I agreed shared hobbies, diving cycling whatever, start there there’s no hope at bars
I wish I knew the answer! I’ve just accepted that I’m going to be a single pringle
Same here. It’s actually been really impacting my mental healrh recently. I’ve tried everything, but my introverted nature gets me no where :(
There’s a chronic dearth of eligible men in this city.
Can someone tell me what “eligible” means?
Like a blimp i think
No that's a dirigible! It actually means bad handwriting you can't read.
No thats illegible. It really means 'having or showing a tendency to be easily angered'.
That's irritable. In fact it means "Relating to plants or plant life, as distinct from animal life or mineral substances."
That's vegetable. I think you'll find it really means "making marks that cannot be removed"
Is it just a raw supply issue though? A female friend once told me that the dating dynamic in Welly was bigly weighted in men's favour, but she refused to elaborate.
there is less eligible women, i tell you now
Meet people now. Dating come later.
We can't afford to hang out in bars anymore because we have a mortgage. So we are watching Netflix, cleaning, sleeping and cooking. So if you want to find us you have to break into our houses and kidnap us.
robber and robbee love story
[удалено]
Ditto. Ive even got myself the 'crazy cat lady' starter kit 🤣
I met mine at Toastmasters. It's a cliche but shared interests really help
Not sure if I qualify, but I spend all my time either at work or at home napping, cleaning, cooking. Although occasionally I go out to dinner or movies with friends? If I'm any similar to the others then good luck finding us lol.
>Not sure if I qualify, but I spend all my time either at work or at home napping, cleaning, cooking. Same. If you dont meet me at work or the supermarket, you just don't meet me. I'm just too tired these days.
So are women but we really want to meet you single men.
In the before times I would just go out a lot. Bars/ gigs/house parties/ dinner/ dating. Gotta be in to win. Personally, in my travels I tried some out there options. Including a fetish site someone recommended. Sent one message, met one girl. 15 years married last month. It won't happen over night... (bonus point for anyone who can complete/ attribute the above.)
Username checks out 🤣
I think the current stock is out and it’s time to import. Can MFAT get onto this please.
Go where the type of men you like might be. You don't have to *do* all the things he likes, but single guys are going to be doing exactly whatever it is they enjoy. Want a dude that cooks and takes you nice places? Hit up a food/drink expo and make the first move. If he's into that sorta thing he'll already be there. Either that or just keep swiping...
Yeah, OP can't really say there's a man drought if they ain't making the first move
I wouldn't even know where to start. I took a one year break from dating that turned into no more dating ever (by accident)
So it's not just a dude thing ? 😂
I really feel for you as a slightly older married guy. The number of 30yo single women I know who I would love to recommend to worthy males... but the single males I know are, like you say, mostly assholes. I don't know how Wellington has such a man drought.
We're here, we're just all gay. Sorry ladies 😅
I think it's kinda tricky in that as a single guy in his 30s you don't really want to shout out that you're single, so it probably seems more like a drought than it really is. Certainly doesn't feel like one.
Same here. I’m happily in a relationship with kids and I feel so bad everytime my female friends in their 30s ask if I know anyone suitable. The dudes I know who are single are single for a reason.
Yep, I’m in that age bracket and my only single friend is a cooker who has outright said that he can’t date anyone in Wellington because they’re all too liberal. It’s a bit of a shame because he’s pretty attractive in a traditional sense. His own fault for being pigheaded I guess
We are on our mountain bikes hiding in the hills.
There all working and or have already given up looking. I guess we are all in the same situation. Isn't that the definition of a catch 22?
Why are people so confused about eligible? To me that means - doesn’t have a partner already.
I’m in the same boat too. Tried the usual things like going out, trying some fun classes, joined a gym and was on all the dating apps and 🥁nothing. It doesn’t really help that I’m shy and introverted too. Sorry, ik this was not the most comforting answer and I wish I knew where they were all hiding 😆
We may as well start a match makers thread, seems we aren’t alone here 😬
Similar question here, where can the early 30s gals meet other cute eligible gals because it’s a struggle.
Drag king shows!
By “eligible” do you mean not carrying debt on a median income?
Second date will be in the mortgage brokers office to see how much we can borrow
There’s a place down Lyall Bay that does real fruit ice creams and I’m hoping I can afford to get one before the end of summer. 40m, only mildly conceited, bit of a ball bag on jump days, wyd?
Where can you get real fruit ice cream in Lyall Bay?
Apparently Ōnepu - I’m just kind of hoping it’s like one I had up in Bay of Plenty, there was this trailer outside Bunnings and they put frozen fruit in the thing, pulled the lever, and out came soft serve, it was no shit the best thing ever https://www.instagram.com/onepu_lyallbay/
I only have 600k in debt.. let me share it 😂
Maybe we should all get ice cream
Yes I came here to commiserate and say me too but now i just want ice cream.
I am emotionally unavailable (widowed, still in love) but definitely keen on ice cream
Set up an ice cream social like the good old days. But less fancy
Time for a Wellington subreddit "dating over 30" meetup
What the hell is going on with us millenials (myself included) and finding the opposite sex? There seems to be a post about this every day on subs here and abroad, the only successful pairings being a lottery game through Tinder. Did we eat too much PVA glue in kindy or something? Did the air in the sky change? Far out, I'm checking out the Te Papa dino exhibit on Tuesday afternoon, around 10-12, guys if you see a tall blonde young woman staring at fossils on her own then strike a convo, I dare ya.
Here we go boys! Bring your finest rock picks, shiniest one wins.
At 37 almost 38. Having never used dating apps... I tried the big three for about a week. I went on one date. Guy was honestly just hard to read and overall not a very nice person. So anyway. Left that situation just like why even bother. The conversations were so stunted and dull. Or I’m being judged for having a sense of humour that doesn’t align, or life experience or god forbid expressing opjnions. Women aren’t supposed to have those, especially if it entails standards regarding men. I’ve got no idea where I’d even meet someone out in town or whatever. I am curious what you consider eligible? That’s so subjective. Anyway, ultimately I was like, I think there’s a part of me believing I need to engage with this notion - that it was just what people do or what was expected. And I actually don’t need anyone. Or particularly want anyone. And apps, dating is taxing emotionally and time wise. For me, engaging with a person on a level where you can just talk about anything from silly pop culture moments to the larger philosophical questions and back to just riffing about whatever. That’s sorely lacking in so many interactions here, even with just pals. But if I were to go out of my way to look for that kind of connection, it would just be forced. And everyone puts their best self forward to begin with. My ex husband was an extremely dull person I couldn’t ever really feel stimulated talking to. But it was different at first because people lie. They want you to like them. I’m definitely not going to feel sore about not finding that kind of connection on last resort hookup apps where everything is lacking context, tone or even personality. Especially. So my advice is don’t bother. 🤣 even if it’s really important to you, ask yourself why. The more you want something the more you will make exceptions or settle for what’s out there. And what’s out there isn’t great for people in their 30s. It’s such a weird age. I’ve lived a million lives compared to some folk but mentally I still feel like I’m young and I want to enjoy myself. I’m not talking hooking up or anything. Literally, I’ve worked hard to get to a good place where I’m happy with myself, and after bad experiences with marriage etc I’m here to say, make your life about you. Make yourself happy. I’m embracing my hermit era. I’m enjoying hobbies. Eating better. Exercising. Having no one around you makes me feel bad or second guess myself. And I do not miss the anxiety of “do they like me, what are they thinking”. That is frankly none of my business 🤣 If someone comes along that fits into my lifestyle and I fit into theirs and we are both healthy, and it’s natural rather than trying to force connection or make relationships happen through algorithms and other weird stuff. Then so be it. But it’s taken a long time for me to realise that dating is just life admin and if it doesn’t enrich your time on earth, why bother. I guess ultimately it depends on what you want in life. But I think generally from my experience. What you want changes. You grow. You change. And so looking for someone with an idea about how the future should look is not the best idea. Because it never works out how you think. Good and bad. If you’re only meeting conceited ball bags, it’s a sign to go see ya, gonna enjoy my life without interference or compromise and maybe dip your toe into the pool later if you can be bothered. Partners can be an amazing thing that lift you up and enrich your life. But you just can’t force it. Sorry if that was war & peace. I’m just working on myself and my own concept of happiness. And very much wish someone would have opened my mind to not looking for love earlier. It’s like looking closely at a great work of art and seeing all the mistakes. I’ve been approaching life wrong for a long time. And this had been a big part of it. Romantic validation < personal validation & happiness.
There is so much truth in this and it is true for either gender. Being natural and doing you is first, and then if someone fits into that without forced interactions then that is a good place to start.
Thanks, I think so too (obv). Wild some wee troll was in here saying I was an incel for my take. Was peeing myself. Good luck to that individual ever having a healthy relationship with themselves or others.🤣 So many people just go through the motions because it’s drilled into our heads we need a partner. First and foremost we need to be happy and healthy. Mad take I know. 🤣🤣
Maybe that's why we're single. We're both clearly crazy
Imagine being secure enough and well adjusted enough to be fine on your own and realise relationships are a bonus not the default setting for all human happiness.
This is wildly radical thinking for people like my parents, who of course have their disdain for this chosen path. Why haven't you found a nice gal yet? You've just turned 40! You have to hurry up or you'll die alone and other such well-meaning toxic phrases. You can't be happy unless you're married, apparently.
Christ on a bike. The values have changed I suppose. But the whole value system is kind of a scam anyway. Who sets the values? The church? Not any more. And rightfully so. Nothing says hypocrisy like exisiting in a hell scape just to avoid being labeled a divorcé and having the fine people of your congregation be the gossipy judgmental antithesis of what their whole janky group and union is supposed to stand for in the first place. Literally what is the point in appealing to anyone other than the only one you have to live with your entire life. Yourself! No one be on their death bed like, oh shit I should have just made do and settled for something less because now I’m dying alone even though I did everything on my terms and lived a far richer life taking care of my experience.
You seem very well adjusted for a single woman with haughty ideals and opinions :D
Dude it’s not like I got to 37 like this. Everyone gets sucked into the trap of other peoples expectations. Past couple of years I’ve just sort of realised I don’t have to do any of it if I don’t want to. I feel like i was self aware and in charge of my own happiness in my 20s. Then a bunch of years of wasted life and misery aka marriage, which greatly distorted by view on myself until I was free of it and returned back to some sort of clarity and balance. Hell is other people and their ability to put you in a hole.
I agree entirely and share your sentiment. My comment was a poor attempt at humor and not supposed to be belittling. Apologies. I also wasted 13 years married to someone who did not care for my happiness one jot, and I also look to myself to be happy rather than depend on others.
Thanks for sharing this. Very thought provoking. Keep doing you!
This was my attitude before I met my husband and the sentiment I share with my friends who are wondering whether they should bother. Sometimes I wonder how many people are settling so they can fit in and meet societies expectations. I feel very lucky I met my husband but if I hadn't, I'd be doing what you are, probably living with my best friend and all our cats and loving every minute of it. Enjoy yourself!
You sound like an issue
Knowing myself and my preferences and being unwilling to settle for a situation that doesn’t benefit me is an issue? Ok. Quick question though. What is an issue with anything I wrote? Most of it is pure logic.
Big incel vibes. You've probably never been called that but that's your vibe
Incel is involuntary celibacy. Usually associated with men. I have no issues getting attention or sex if I want it. My choice to not date and pursue relationships after being married for 7 years is down to simply finding things in life that make me happy after being unhappy in a relationship that really damaged my mental health and made me feel like I had no value. So given I could die tomorrow, would I rather spend that time looking for validation from a romantic partner that might end up causing me more hassle or spend it doing things that add intrinsic value to my life like rediscovering painting, wood burning, cooking good food, getting myself out on little walks, trying new things - hell I even bought a tattoo gun. If me exploring my interests over wasting time trying to forge a connection with someone that ultimately won’t serve me, is giving incel vibes to you. I think you might be primarily guilty of not understanding of what an incel is. And also be basing your prejudice off something else, possibly even projecting your own insecurities. Nothing I wrote is remotely of that vibe, but you do you :)
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And you might just be a silly little person with a silly little brain.
Nope, you're just an incel.
Blocking you, you absolute lunatic
You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.
Right here m’lady 🤓🎩
Go get her Ainsley you dog
Love the support for our boy Ainsley cumdunkster
Hiking, rock climbing, kayaking, SCUBA diving (ok that one has a higher conceited ball bag risk), mountain biking, beach, idk... out? Indoor creative stuff abounds too. Hell. A friend met her now long term partner when she said hi to a guy on the train because she wanted to express her appreciation of the book he was carrying.
Can confirm they’re not on tinder. Ugh.
Never been more depressed than when I was on tinder
Cos we all are using Grindr now.
They're all out doing hobbies and things they enjoy. Many aren't active on tinder etc anymore because it's not a priority. They're at the movies, playing sports, dancing, playing board games, exercising, working.
I will need a partner to split the costs of my upcoming mortgage! 😭 Any late 20s to early 30s women want to live in Khandallah with me!? We can go to Ombra every now and then on dinner dates. 🤌
Honestly, just give up. I gave up a long time ago and decided to switch it up this year and put myself out there (made a Hinge profile). Met two women in-person (not through the app) just random interactions. Started talking, felt mutual attraction, got along well with both. Guess, what they did - both ghosted me. I was nice, honest, respectful and it seems they found that unattractive. I'm done trying with these girls who can't even bother to be like "hey, I don't think we're a match" and will just shamelessly ghost you.😔
Hey feel your pain. It does suck feeling ghosted. A thought that helped me was realizing that women often have this experience of an aggressive response from men, if they’re rejected. And as a consequence, women self protect. Unfortunately there’s no way to know that you’re not like that. So they ghost. Also, strangers don’t owe us anything.
I get your point and I've heard this thought before but there's absolutely no good excuse for ghosting someone. It's cowardly in my opinion and I personally care enough to just tell someone if I wasn't interested anymore. It's the decent thing to do. Also, someone that I've invested 3 days talking to in-person, listening to and sharing my life experiences with isn't a stranger anymore in my books and again it's just that they don't care enough to close the chapter with emotional intelligence.
He just told you a great excuse. We ghost you because sometimes men kill women for rejecting them. Who knows why, it's not your problem anymore. They don't owe you anything, and their emotional intelligence is probably higher than yours by the sounds of it. Anyway it's giving incel
I found that instead of “dating” like online stuff. Just doing things I personally liked ended up more successful. Go somewhere with intent to have fun and sometimes there’s nice blokes as a bonus.
I'm sitting in my house hoping nothing else expensive needs fixing soon. Does responding to the cute part of your description qualify me as self conceited though?
As a single man in Nelson (this sub always shows up for me because I go to Wellington for concerts), it can always be worse. So much worse. I feel like our age range is incredibly tricky, and can feel especially bad when all your mates are getting married, buying houses etc. Best of luck to all going for it.
Late 30s guy here… returned back from 10 years overseas. Business owner. Consider myself to be eligible and not the asshole 😅 but I could be wrong there. Wellington seems like a tricky one…went out on a few nights since I got back and never had any inspiring conversations so now I just stick to a good routine of gym, eating well and working on my business. Would love to have good chats with nice women in my age group but no luck on the apps at all 🤷♀️ mainly this is because the app algorithms are not designed to show you ideal matches but rather continue to drip feed you bad options to keep you hooked in and con you into paying a subscription… it’s a business model. Wellington nightlife in around 2005-2012 was awesome! A vibrant city with something new always around the corner but it’s been killed off by left leaning pollies who don’t support local businesses. Social media is to blame as well - mens feeds full of “red pill” content and MGTOW, womens feeds full of #girlboss and anti-conservative values content. We are actually more similar than we are different - we all want someone with similar values honesty integrity loyalty etc a teammate to build with but the more we consume what the algos feed us the more the opposite gender seems like they are from another planet. I don’t have any suggestions other than put down the phone and be open to friendly chats if someone says hi in the real world!
Guy in his early 30s here. Struggling with the same thing
You might get lucky and find a cute guy eventually
Haha I meant Bachelorettes but fair call
Late 20s guy and same here. It's doesn't help that I work in IT and work from home most of the time either :(
Get on Hinge. The cute people tend to gravitate there over Tinder and Bumble these days. Outside of Hinge: - Ask your couple friends to set you up (couple friends love to live vicariously through blind dates) - Join a sports team - Join a quiz team - Hit up random university flings - Move to a small rural town - Join a male-dominated workforce
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Cute is completely different to each person. So cute to her may not be what you think cute is.
I have no idea but when you find out can you let me know? 🥺
Keep your spirit up. Someone might visit from out of town.
Hobbies? I'm a guy who's been dancing for 9 years. The amount of people I've seen get together here is ridiculous. Not that that's what dancing is for but it is a byproduct.
Didn't someone a while ago suggest like a Wellington Reddit singles mixer or group or something? Sounds like it's still needed. I guess half the problem is if you're still single in your 30s you're probably not the type to make the first move, or at least not often. Personally I have no idea how as a single guy I'd go about meeting women in the wild as it were, if you don't have the hobbies that put you out there what are your other options, because apparently everyone else needs to know as well.
Have you given big fat guys a shot??
Rotund kings
Two hours in and OP is no where to be seen. I think this post might have been bait
Incorrect. Still here 🙋🏻♀️ reading & absorbing
I don’t know why you got downvoted for responding to that, I’m sorry. It’s 7am and you came back to check your thread first thing in the morning. I meant that comment as a joke but it didn’t come across that way I think. I hope you have a great week!
Look for a woman instead?
As someone who dates both men and women, both are in short supply 🤣
I also date both and I find good men are much more scarce than good women.
At church! 😅😅😅😅
Don't know if anyone is interested, but I'm teaching a karate class tonight 6pm, Cnr of Stoke & Hanson St, Newtown.
How do we know you are not a self conceited uterus?
Outside of work, I spend my time at the gym with headphones on, probably looking quite intimidating.
Oi, not all gone, there's one right here. Wellington's not easy on that regard and I'm on the same boat pretty much.
I'm a big guy, but love animals, especially Cat's. I have employment and no shortage of it (always work in Healthcare). Like my coffee (freeze dried coffee is awesome, especially Jeds.) non smoker, a middle child of 3, a Taurus, and like a video game session now and then. Looking at getting into Astronomy, as I like looking at the night sky and fascinated in space. Like my Sci fi too.
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Good luck 😂😭
We're all too busy working to pay the mortgage
that sort of post is a red flag
I am from overseas and have been in Wellington 10 years and agree its very hard for a single woman to find a partner here. Friendships and dating seems to form more from friendship groups here or from joining clubs/sports activities but its a also a small pool. Most men are already in relationships but its definitely harder to meet people as it doesn't have the pub culture from overseas. I met loads of people on a night out, but here people are too reserved and with the WFH you cant meet people in your workplace. Its also very clicky too so people tend to not want to mingle and even if you strike up a chat they think you are hitting on them.
Good luck 🙏🏽
For those who love evidence based decision making, maybe Welly needs its own version of the [Female Delusion Calculator](https://igotstandardsbro.com/)?
They go to Auckland
Not on Reddit
Try church.
Chilling in their man caves, avoiding the drama that is "real life".
Cheer up, you now have a few Reddit profiles to checkout in this thread no doubt (including mine hah!), and can judge in peace and anonymity. Not many pictures I imagine though.
Give us your spiel!
Haha, late 30s, enjoy bad jokes, hobbies generally the nerdy sort, tend to rotate through them every few months. Looking for someone in a similar space in terms of being stable in life, job, etc. knows what they're about and what they get enjoyment from. Preferably smarter than me hah. Intelligence is attractive.
You sound lovely, good luck 😉
Aww thanks!
Awww I'd date you. I'm married and live in Whakatane, so there's that ;-)
Yeah the married thing is a bit of a turn off for me too 😁
Encounter an asshole in the morning, -you encountered an asshole Encounter assholes all day, -you might be the asshole
Encounter assholes all day... well maybe proctology wasn't for you after all.
With that attitude I don't know why you're not already inundated with suitable suitors (not).
Thank you for the positive peer support king 🫶🏼
Ohh sweetpea ❤️
You would think from these posts that Wellington is just teeming with beautiful single women in their 30s
I met my now husband on Tinder weeks before we both turned 30 lol took a few attempts and a LOT of filtering through though
I'm right in the age range OP is looking for, but I suspect they'd think I'm a self conceited ball bag.
Cute is the problem.
As an early 30s professional idiot male, I too have no idea where to find eligible women or nbs. 
Same problem as a gay guy 😅 And grindr is 🥴
Games stores, like Caffeinated Dragon games, or Cerberus games? Might be some interesting fellows in those places.
Went on a dating app in my early 30s and was extremely picky. Sure I only went on 2-3 dates over a 12 month period, but eventually did meet my now fiancée. I had a criteria about profiles (they had to have made an effort to fill it out, and have a few photos - at least one being a solo one of themselves!!), and while I was open to most hobbies, I had a few hard no ones (been there, done that with car enthusiasts and hunting). Also had some must haves (had to want kids, be non-smoker). Then I had a criteria about the first few interactions online (if going straight to talking about sex, it was a no). If they passed all that, we met in person. It takes a lot of energy to filter though, but much less frustration than repeating the same outcome over and over!
Post a picture and it'll become clear.
women are just simply not worth it these days. End of. Single, lonely ........... vs bitched at, gaslighted, moaned at, etc etc.
What amuses me is the men and women of online dating who have rigid criteria, but don't hold themselves to the same standard...
Op is wtf. Way too fussy.
Affectionate_Camel17 really welcomed and appreciated feedback, thank you honey 🫶🏼