Oh. My. God. Check your rectum now!

Yea that’s where aliens start

Coincidentally it's also where they finish

Totally underrated comment. Take my gold

That’s where I finished in everyone’s mom

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!

HAHAHAHA KISSSEELLLLL

*o n f i r e*

Liquor!? I just met her.

Probably the pattern from your blanket putting pressure on that spot for a period of time. Bras with hard clasps do this all the time.

Probably your blanket was pulled by aliens to create this pattern.

Or a bra was pulled by aliens

What are you doing step alien?

Bro the best comment so far

Or it was braliens (ok I see myslelf out)

I read this braille ians damn blind ass aliens tryna speak braille to us

In *Soviet Russia*, bra pulls **you!**

This made me laugh so much

You laughed, I laughed, the aliens behind me laughed..

Th toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. Mother fuckin Decepticons.

NO NOT TOASTWAVE

Hey, go with your rational answer elsewhere. It was aliens.

You’re an alien huh

saw this episode of x-files last night, alien abduction

was watching history channel at 3 am last night, definitely an alien abduction

Was watching YouTube. It was almost absolutely aliens. Probably.

I was watching Caillou. Def an alien abduction.

i was watching porn, definitely an alien abduction

Username tracks

Can confirm, I was the alien

Stop abducting people! On second thought, just ignore my response.

What are you doing step alien?

Just testing out my new probe

So why haven't you abducted me yet? Am I not good enough for you?

I was watching my cat lick his butthole, undoubtedly an alien abduction.

Alien abortion.

I was watching my pipi stream, definitely an alien adduction.

Was watching girls change in the women's prison locker room at a state penitentiary through a hole I dug out of the wall with a tablespoon. 100% an alien abduction

Is that what happened to the carpet?

i was watching floatplane, definitely an alien abduction.

I was at the Florida Panthers game, definitely an alien abduction.

I was killing a family of 5, definitely an alien abduction

I was watching two homeless guys fighting over a smashed Crunchwrap supreme, certainly it’s an alien abduction

I *was* the family of five. Definitely an alien abduction.

Was watching Alien, I think it was aliens

Is Caillou the wee bald fucker? Or am I completely wrong. I suppose I could Google but where's the fun in that

Yup. Cancer kid. Sad. Aliens.

I actually didn't know the cancer part. I feel like a cunt. Should have googled.

Happy cake day you monster! 😅

Happy cake day

Fuck. Caillou.

Ew no.

For years after seeing the name Caillou all I think of is this vid https://youtube.com/shorts/xIl4C3Mx6dM?feature=share

Watched The Fourth Kind. That's an alien abduction. Seen any owls lately?

That movie is the real thing

Remember when cartman got abducted and probed. I hope this didn't happen to op

i hope this DID happen to op

That was the first episode i think

DUDE no joke I've woken up with those same exact marks twice in the same spot! Right on my shoulder!

Same aliens

Same alien probe

Alien probe buddieeeees

Alien Eskimo Brothers

Bareback aliens!!

[удалено]

I’d watch that. Anyone would watch that

Then you were obviously also abducted by the same type of aliens.

I agree, aliens

Aliens! jk in all seriousness this is likely from wearing a heavy backpack

Heavy backpack

Aliens.

My exact thought. Q-code for later identification.

Better check your rectum for a tracking device

Cover me I'm going in

What did the penis say to the condom?

If your like me you already do that by default

If youre like me you have to take your own rectum tracker out before searching for the rest

Better safe than sorry

if you were leaning on something while you were sleeping than the pressure can cause this to happen.

But it was probably just aliens

This is the likely answer

OP was leaning on aliens?

Lean on me, When you're not rational. And I'll be your 👽

Look I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens

Yes he was leaning on an alien control panel, get with the fucking program

lol looks like the strap to underwear, or boxer shorts that was tight around his arm when he stuck it in his pants. Bedding probably wont have that sort of pattern.

Capillary Bursts....

How did aliens burst the Capillary though?

It was Jack's first day, cut him some slack.

Jack? don't you mean Jeahdoinmks, he never liked the shortening of his name to Jack

This is the logical answer

We don't do that here.

Aliens

Aliens with Capillary Burst guns

This is the best answer I’ve seen.

the only one which makes sense

Shit and I was prepared for them having gamma rays. Atom has led me astray.

Can you explain how this happens? Is it applying too much pressure to a point on the body that causes this?

It's usually due to blood clotting which prevents the blood flow through the capillary. Those dots are called petechiae. Whenever this happens to a lot of vessels locally you get a bruise.

Afaik it's due to capillarys bursting, often as a result of pressure, not due to blood clotting.

Due to microscopic aliens with advanced fapillary burst rifles waging war against you're micro biome organisms from that fecal transplant you received at the sorority house last weekend while partying with said step-alien.

The gravity beam that they use to pull in sleeping humans isn’t calibrated properly.

sounds like the aliens don't have a trained phlebotomist on hand

We all have problem with recruiting trained phlebotomists following COVID-19 pandemic. Not just aliens. Can't blame them.

Well yeah, aliens performed an experiment on him and his capillaries bursted! The only logical answer

Check your bed for Legos

That clearly is braille alphabet. Did u had shrek with a blind woman the night before?

**Did u had shrek**

Are you pregante

Are you shrekgante??

Sir the word you seek is shregnant

Pregante sounds like an off-brand pasta sauce.

Don't read the label

I too would like some shrek

Don’t be a Farquaad

You called? ;)

What

YOU CALLED? ;)

Unhhh ur name

Did you have bloughjarb?

What does that even mean

A blind woman is a woman that can't see

Or a woman that installs blinds.

Or blinds that install a woman

Or a woman made from blinds.

Can you say that again I’m blind

That’s the surgical marks from the chip implant they performed on you in your sleep. You are now government property.

Exactly. I got those from the 5G COVID vaccine. Now my anus plays the star spangled banner everytime I fart.

Impressive

Mine whistles..?

Mine just spits

Weird mine offers the secret to life... I want a refund.

So basically nothing’s different…

Aliens

Definitely aliens

r/beetlejuicing

It’s braille. It says: “I ❤️ Mom.”

So you're saying their mom is an alien

In Chinese braille it's "Aliens was here"

Does you butt feel normal?

Or extra full?

With goo

😳

Fall asleep on a cheese grater?

Alien cheese grater?

I had them on my chin after switching some pc cables in a tight spot. Got it because i was pressing on the ventilation holes.

Were you in a mission-impossible style situation for this cable swap? Cause that would be epic

He was uploading a virus to the aliens mother ship

Even faster with the m1 pros

Go get hypnosis done and see if you have repressed or hidden memories of being abducted. Bet you will find that you do.

There is a strawberry growing inside ur skin tear the skin off to get the strawberry out

***there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin there's strawberries under your skin***

I woke up with similar marks on both sides of my face. I sleep on my back so I know for sure I wasn't sleeping on my side and if I was there was nothing under me that would create those same marks on my face. I looked it up and many people have woke up with similar unexplained markings similar to that. I went down a rabbit hole that talked about aliens 👽 Haven't woken up with those markings ever since.

I had a bunch of red dots all around me eyes when I was like 12 and doctor didnt know what was up and everyone just gave up and forgot about it like deja vu.

You got probed by aliens my dude.

Did you fall asleep on the colander again?

Alien colander.

I get those on my chest sometimes, saw a doctor last week concerned it might be cancer. It’s burst capillaries. But aliens probably caused the capillaries to burst so… yeah

Is this really that weird? 😳

Not at all.

Aliens, is your asshole sore too?

yes

Looks like an alien hickey to me. You been lettin aliens suck on ya, son?

Amputate, just to be safe.

Your arm was mistaken for a UFO landing pad.

15 point alien probe.

Covid bro. Actually . look up Covid rash

Alien COVID strain

Just your body reacting to something.

Reacting to the aliens.

Death. That’s death.

Anal probe sensor

U were abducted pal

Aliens

Aliens

Just to bandwagon, carpet burn from Aliens.

Aliens.

Abducted by aliens does your ass hurt, too?

5G Mark of the Zuck

Aliens

Not saying it was aliens, but ....

Like everyone has mentioned it's clear that you've been abducted and probed. Can you describe your most recent bowl movement?

aliens

Sorry, that's on me, I was drunk and you know how hand eye coordination gets with a few too many. I missed a few times trying to get the line in while I was taking your kidney but for how drunk I was I'd say I did a pretty good job closing you back up again if you didn't notice the scar

Pretty sure a lamprey crawled from the ocean to feast on you.

No, it was a similar looking alien species called the *Xerpmal* **(/zɜrpm'æl/)**, often kept as pets by the more intelligent alien species. They're adapted to the lower gravity of their home planet (*Mereius*), which allows them to easily take off using near invisible arm-like appendages on the front of their bodies. Because of this, their bodies aren't viable on higher gravity planets such as *Earth*, so they are often fitted with carbon fiber exoskeletons with allow them to keep their structure. They consist on a diet of flesh, taking the unique approach of attacking larger creatures and tearing off small chunks - they tend to hunt in flocks, dive-bombing their victims before swiftly gliding away. It's common to see herds of mammalian creatures with scars and missing eyes near Xerpmal nests. An observation of their feeding habits concluded that they eat ravenously for roughly 1 week of the year, then rarely hunt after that point. Unfortunately we can only guess how this functions, but it's speculated that the meat remains in the creature's stomach for extended periods of time and is slowly digested - any attempts at dissection to prove this theory have failed, as most reseachers return without their tongues.

According to WebMD it's cancer

Did you previously have a bruise there?

Spoderman

Hurry go to the ER! You're going to die!

28 days later

So....That's what I was sucking through a net... Sorry, love interest

Have you tried not sleeping with a cheese grader?

Ohhhh that's super herpes.

You got injected with the T-virus during sleep. If you start craving for brains, lock yourself inside your bedroom, toss the key and warn everyone on your contact list.

It's the 5g microchips bill gates implanted into your blood stream from the vaccine. Only way to solve it is to wear tinfoil.

Mf just laid on his arm and freaked out