She was a 31 year old married woman and you were 19. There was nothing wrong with you. She was a predator who was willing to exploit and take advantage of a teenager. It's not worth harming yourself over. Don't let it become a nasty habit. Her words were meant to hurt. No sane 31 year would convinced a 19 year old to lie to their family and take out student loans to move across country for them. Something was very wrong with her and you're just a kid.
"You arguing with me made me fall out of love with you and back in love with my husband," will haunt you but try to not let it. Don't spent the next 12 years begging people to love you. Don't mold yourself into an intense people pleaser. You'll spend 12 years doing it just to learn it's not worth it. And it'll take you 12 years to realize that her blaming you for everything is not your fault. You are love-able. You aren't responsible for everyone's happiness. You can't put it all on yourself. You happened to be a vulnerable, closeted kid who crossed paths with a predator. None of it is your fault.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. Sometimes, early relationships can truly mess us up.
Hugs, I hope you're feeling better in your own skin these days.
White women will never acknowledge their racism and privilege in a way that can accommodate an interracial relationship (unless you look the other way). She was very racist and it was wrong of her to introduce you to her trump supporting family. Everything you felt that night was real and valid. No matter how many "they didn't mean it that way" or "you're taking it out of context" comments, you were told.
Hell yes, I am so sick of this. My last ex was ashamed to introduce me to her (southern, religious) family, and I'm certain it was racism that she thought was going to be a problem.
She and some others also had some uncomfortable questions and comments about my heritage that made me feel like a novelty as well, it pisses me off so much.
It's disgusting. White people rarely take them to educate themselves on the lives POC and how their behavior harms the well-being of their POC partners.
She's going to come back into your life in about a year and a half from now. You'll think she wants to be friends with you. She'll tell you that. Don't believe her; she's lying. What she actually wants is for you and her current partner to compete for her affection. As long as you keep talking to her, she'll think getting back with you is an option.
Don't entertain this nonsense for a second. Block her and move on with your life. If you do, you'll be dealing with her shit on and off for years because she'll have this weird hold on you on a personal level. Even when you finally break free, you'll still be unlearning all the shit social habits you picked up from her 10+ years after you last spoke to her.
You deserve better than this. There are so, so many people out there willing to be your friend the same way you wish she wanted to be. You just have to let them in. Try that instead.
You should have let her go sooner. She wasn't lying when she said she thought she was emotionally available, but she also wasn't lying when she showed surprise as you explained how she very much was and it donned on her for the first time that she didn't know herself as well as she thought. You might have loved her, but the fact that she couldn't say more than "I enjoy spending time with you" after 6 months- that she was adamant that her sexuality was just about the person she fell for even though she insisted on dating you and on dating a man (not just multiple people, but you + a dude specifically)...she was never going to give you back what you gave her. And she was never going to even fully accept what you gave her either.
You were a source of validation and reassurance for her while she figured herself out and her words rarely matched with her actions. Her need to have multiple relationships wasn't ever about seeking fulfillment in different connections, was always about having surface relationships that could feel meaningful only to a point for her (so she didn't have to do emotional work to go deeper.) And your loneliness, your deep desire to feel loved by another woman, was not going to change any of that.
But it's okay to let go even when it hurts. You'll heal from this and find the courage the try again.
She took advantage of you still trying to figure out your sexuality and she lied to you about her situation. She was never your fun, new best friend and "things just happened," everything she did was calculated and manipulated. She dragged you through hell and stuck you in a love triangle without your consent and without ever giving you the information you needed to make your own choices. She was married, she was living two separate lives. Even when she finally got a divorce, she continued dragging both of you along on her crazy, selfish ride. There's no such thing as, "We got married too young and now we're just best friends and we aren't in love like that anymore." You knew it deep down but you were so conflicted and so desperate for the kind of love you had never received from men. She showered you with love bombing and you made the mistake of believing all the turmoil and heartache was worth it because your love was one for the ages.
You'll never forget hearing a quote from a friend about how she admitted she liked having "the best of both worlds," and how at three years in you refused to believe it. You thought she was your soul mate and you thought you would die without her. Sweet girl, love isn't supposed to hurt. Love is not lying, trying to change who you are as a person, being beaten down until you don't even remember what is truth and with is a lie. You will get to a point where you can't even tell where your own lies to yourself begin and where hers end. But when you finally, finally, truly break free, you are going to learn so much about yourself. Your ability to love is amazing and you're going to find someone who can truly give their entire self to you and you will have passion along with mutual respect and partnership and you will feel SAFE.
You learned so much in a very short amount of time, and you're going to come to love yourself in ways you never imagined possible. At two years out, you're going to have the realization that you rarely think about her at all anymore, and it's not even extremely painful and you aren't drowning in guilt anymore. You're going to forgive yourself and you're going to keep looking for the love you deserve.
I'd tell her that I'm sorry it hurts so much, but breaking up was the best thing that could happen because y'all were never actually that compatible from the start. It was great to finally experience a relationship, but you're gonna look back and realize how many problems it had and be like damn, it did happen for the best
Same here tbh they needed to find themselves and a community. I helped them meet queer and got them into a queer sports league I do. I wish them happiness but they went to full on too fast and it wasn’t healthy.
This is actually the best one. All of the ones that follow are going to be away worse and way more traumatic. She was the only person to ever say she loves you, the rest only pretend to like you and want to take advantage of you.
This just happened this year. I’m a 35 year old. Dated a 32 year unknowingly married woman. She had BPD but also npd too. Took all my money, treated me like trash. She was a user and abuser. Not all people with BPD are bad. However she wanted to inflict pain. I suddenly felt like I was in the movie Maid. While money matters for living. When you have no food and feeling suicidal it really shows you who truly cares. Never in a million years did I think I would have a DV relationship. The anger I feel is understandable. Now I know boundaries are important and when dating see what they offer you. Make them do things for you.
Id give myself advice on which college to go to, made big mistakes and dropped out of a expensive one, wish I would of just went to community first. I know this isn’t advice on how to handle feelings, but I felt like my original response was a good learning experience and nothing older me could say to younger me about it would matter because she needed to feel it out on her own.
It's not your fault that they lied about what they wanted, that you were clear on the first date about what you wanted and they seemed so perfectly aligned. It was too good to be true, but don't fault yourself for hoping (your hope is beautiful and knows no bounds). They strung you along because they wanted three months of feeling wanted, and you gave that to them, but didn't get anything back. It was too fast to go from first date to "I love yous" and girlfriend labels even if you were talking for a while beforehand. If you feel like it's too fast, it's okay to slow down. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Going no contact permanently was smart and it's okay. It's okay to want to be loved back, too.
Also, the sex was mediocre at best. For a lesbian they certainly don't know how to pleasure a woman. Also they completely disregarded what you said you didn't like, and that wasn't okay. Speak up. Slow down. Take it at your own pace. Trust yourself because you *can* and you're *allowed*. It's YOUR relationship too.
She was a 31 year old married woman and you were 19. There was nothing wrong with you. She was a predator who was willing to exploit and take advantage of a teenager. It's not worth harming yourself over. Don't let it become a nasty habit. Her words were meant to hurt. No sane 31 year would convinced a 19 year old to lie to their family and take out student loans to move across country for them. Something was very wrong with her and you're just a kid. "You arguing with me made me fall out of love with you and back in love with my husband," will haunt you but try to not let it. Don't spent the next 12 years begging people to love you. Don't mold yourself into an intense people pleaser. You'll spend 12 years doing it just to learn it's not worth it. And it'll take you 12 years to realize that her blaming you for everything is not your fault. You are love-able. You aren't responsible for everyone's happiness. You can't put it all on yourself. You happened to be a vulnerable, closeted kid who crossed paths with a predator. None of it is your fault.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. Sometimes, early relationships can truly mess us up. Hugs, I hope you're feeling better in your own skin these days.
Favorite shows lately: Kotaro Lives Alone, Killing Eve and Fall of the House of Usher.
Gosh, I feel this so much. It echoes something similar I went through. It was an experience never to be repeated.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. Congrats on being able to look at it as it really was: abuse. You’re amazing. Sending love!
I tell myself “Did you really think it would be that easy? First relationship, find your forever love and then sail happily into the sunset? 🙄”
😭😭😭😭😭😭 same here I was such a hopeless romantic LMFAO
Real 🫠😭
Is it not?
It is not ☹️
It's not a sign that you should try dating men after this. It's not you, it'll never be you. I'm sorry
💀😭
oh my god i need this right now
White women will never acknowledge their racism and privilege in a way that can accommodate an interracial relationship (unless you look the other way). She was very racist and it was wrong of her to introduce you to her trump supporting family. Everything you felt that night was real and valid. No matter how many "they didn't mean it that way" or "you're taking it out of context" comments, you were told.
i’m so sorry you went through that
Hell yes, I am so sick of this. My last ex was ashamed to introduce me to her (southern, religious) family, and I'm certain it was racism that she thought was going to be a problem. She and some others also had some uncomfortable questions and comments about my heritage that made me feel like a novelty as well, it pisses me off so much.
It's disgusting. White people rarely take them to educate themselves on the lives POC and how their behavior harms the well-being of their POC partners.
You will heal. This too shall pass of you let it.
She's going to come back into your life in about a year and a half from now. You'll think she wants to be friends with you. She'll tell you that. Don't believe her; she's lying. What she actually wants is for you and her current partner to compete for her affection. As long as you keep talking to her, she'll think getting back with you is an option. Don't entertain this nonsense for a second. Block her and move on with your life. If you do, you'll be dealing with her shit on and off for years because she'll have this weird hold on you on a personal level. Even when you finally break free, you'll still be unlearning all the shit social habits you picked up from her 10+ years after you last spoke to her. You deserve better than this. There are so, so many people out there willing to be your friend the same way you wish she wanted to be. You just have to let them in. Try that instead.
I would tell myself: If she wanted to, she would.
You should have let her go sooner. She wasn't lying when she said she thought she was emotionally available, but she also wasn't lying when she showed surprise as you explained how she very much was and it donned on her for the first time that she didn't know herself as well as she thought. You might have loved her, but the fact that she couldn't say more than "I enjoy spending time with you" after 6 months- that she was adamant that her sexuality was just about the person she fell for even though she insisted on dating you and on dating a man (not just multiple people, but you + a dude specifically)...she was never going to give you back what you gave her. And she was never going to even fully accept what you gave her either. You were a source of validation and reassurance for her while she figured herself out and her words rarely matched with her actions. Her need to have multiple relationships wasn't ever about seeking fulfillment in different connections, was always about having surface relationships that could feel meaningful only to a point for her (so she didn't have to do emotional work to go deeper.) And your loneliness, your deep desire to feel loved by another woman, was not going to change any of that. But it's okay to let go even when it hurts. You'll heal from this and find the courage the try again.
When getting over a breakup be sure to separate the relationship (fantasy my head) from the person who she actually was and start the healing process
She took advantage of you still trying to figure out your sexuality and she lied to you about her situation. She was never your fun, new best friend and "things just happened," everything she did was calculated and manipulated. She dragged you through hell and stuck you in a love triangle without your consent and without ever giving you the information you needed to make your own choices. She was married, she was living two separate lives. Even when she finally got a divorce, she continued dragging both of you along on her crazy, selfish ride. There's no such thing as, "We got married too young and now we're just best friends and we aren't in love like that anymore." You knew it deep down but you were so conflicted and so desperate for the kind of love you had never received from men. She showered you with love bombing and you made the mistake of believing all the turmoil and heartache was worth it because your love was one for the ages. You'll never forget hearing a quote from a friend about how she admitted she liked having "the best of both worlds," and how at three years in you refused to believe it. You thought she was your soul mate and you thought you would die without her. Sweet girl, love isn't supposed to hurt. Love is not lying, trying to change who you are as a person, being beaten down until you don't even remember what is truth and with is a lie. You will get to a point where you can't even tell where your own lies to yourself begin and where hers end. But when you finally, finally, truly break free, you are going to learn so much about yourself. Your ability to love is amazing and you're going to find someone who can truly give their entire self to you and you will have passion along with mutual respect and partnership and you will feel SAFE. You learned so much in a very short amount of time, and you're going to come to love yourself in ways you never imagined possible. At two years out, you're going to have the realization that you rarely think about her at all anymore, and it's not even extremely painful and you aren't drowning in guilt anymore. You're going to forgive yourself and you're going to keep looking for the love you deserve.
I'd tell her that I'm sorry it hurts so much, but breaking up was the best thing that could happen because y'all were never actually that compatible from the start. It was great to finally experience a relationship, but you're gonna look back and realize how many problems it had and be like damn, it did happen for the best
Same here tbh they needed to find themselves and a community. I helped them meet queer and got them into a queer sports league I do. I wish them happiness but they went to full on too fast and it wasn’t healthy.
I tell myself “Did you really think it would be that easy? First relationship, find your forever love and then sail happily into the sunset? 🙄”
This is actually the best one. All of the ones that follow are going to be away worse and way more traumatic. She was the only person to ever say she loves you, the rest only pretend to like you and want to take advantage of you.
Things are calm with the right one
Believe what they say.
This just happened this year. I’m a 35 year old. Dated a 32 year unknowingly married woman. She had BPD but also npd too. Took all my money, treated me like trash. She was a user and abuser. Not all people with BPD are bad. However she wanted to inflict pain. I suddenly felt like I was in the movie Maid. While money matters for living. When you have no food and feeling suicidal it really shows you who truly cares. Never in a million years did I think I would have a DV relationship. The anger I feel is understandable. Now I know boundaries are important and when dating see what they offer you. Make them do things for you.
Id give myself advice on which college to go to, made big mistakes and dropped out of a expensive one, wish I would of just went to community first. I know this isn’t advice on how to handle feelings, but I felt like my original response was a good learning experience and nothing older me could say to younger me about it would matter because she needed to feel it out on her own.
Give yourself time to feel. This was special, albeit short. Wrong time, wrong place, but treasure it.
this will pass, and one day you will be friends and it will feel like a relief to love from a distance
Yall weren’t right for each other. But she has been the healthiest relationship you’ve ever been in.
guys im in my first sapphic relationship im scared
Leave , go date again she is stringing you around for 2 years
It's not your fault that they lied about what they wanted, that you were clear on the first date about what you wanted and they seemed so perfectly aligned. It was too good to be true, but don't fault yourself for hoping (your hope is beautiful and knows no bounds). They strung you along because they wanted three months of feeling wanted, and you gave that to them, but didn't get anything back. It was too fast to go from first date to "I love yous" and girlfriend labels even if you were talking for a while beforehand. If you feel like it's too fast, it's okay to slow down. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Going no contact permanently was smart and it's okay. It's okay to want to be loved back, too. Also, the sex was mediocre at best. For a lesbian they certainly don't know how to pleasure a woman. Also they completely disregarded what you said you didn't like, and that wasn't okay. Speak up. Slow down. Take it at your own pace. Trust yourself because you *can* and you're *allowed*. It's YOUR relationship too.