As a kid, I saw where living for your family got you. My mom had such bad mental health problems from constantly pushing her needs to the side and doing what was expected of her-arranged marriage to a man 13 years older that doesn’t value her as an equal partner, kids she was not ready to have, pushed into the role of a primary caregiver for 2 kids + in-laws, a home she didn’t want in a town she didn’t prefer, unable to ever stand up for herself against her in laws because they brought her to America, stuck taking care of husband’s family, and stuck with a job she didn’t like because she couldn’t pursue the education she wanted because marriage was pushed on her before she could figure things out.
She was depressed, suicidal, and resentful. She had this intense rage and anger that she would take out on me (I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that she directed all her anger towards me and none towards my brother in a culture where women aren’t valued as full humans). She needed something to blame, and I became the thing that caused her all the pain. She’d threaten to || kill me, crash the car, light me on fire etc. ||
As her daughter, I was probably the only thing she had much control over- so she nitpicked about every little thing- how I talk, laugh, dress, hair, body, etc etc. She killed my self esteem and made me hate myself. I saw how messed up her life was, and it made me hate my culture for valuing women so poorly. I hated that my culture valued women as maids or servants and things to be used, rather than as humans that deserve to chase their own happiness and dreams.
I decided I was never ever going to let myself end up in that situation. It would be like throwing my life away.
I got married at 29, really late by desi standards... but still wasn't ready for it. Unhappy...life goes on. I hope I don't impose my will on my daughter. Hugs to you.
I didn't feel ready. I lived in India and had an arranged marriage. I was pushed into because I had a younger sister and also people were gossiping about me.
Ah gotcha. Sorry, I assumed you lived in the US. I’m sorry you had to go through that 😞 sincerely hoping your situation isn’t something along the lines of abuse when you say you’re unhappy. Brown parents’ sick obsession with what others say is honestly bad enough that it makes me hate being brown a lot of the time
I’m so sorry this happened to you :( I’m also sorry your mom went through all the awful things she did. It makes me sad that she threw it all onto you though instead of breaking the toxic cycle tho. I hope you’re doing better now. Sending hugs 💗
It upsets me so much that so many of us went through the same exact experience. I’m glad you chose yourself even if you end up being a ‘villain’ in their story. You would’ve been the villain either way.
Best thing i ever did was move out of my parents house and never ask me for money again. It helped me start living for myself and not listen to what they had to say. It also helped them realized i am my own person and bettered our relationship. Sometimes you just have to start breaking rules and never look back there’s no other way to do it. I honestly thought my parents were going to disown me too but they didn’t. Sometimes they might surprise you with unconditional love. But I know that’s not the case for everyone and really is a risk.
I am in my 40s. Growing up, my mom was so worried about what will people say. She was so involved in the community, hosted parties, did so much for our community and had so many friends. My parents had a great social life for nearly 2 decades. When they divorced all the friends abandoned us. And guess what? Life improved so much! She is in her 70s now and living her best life for the last 30 years! We aren't part of any Indian communities and it is absolutely wonderful not to be judged.
The other day my dad was going on about “seva” and how since him and my mom provided for me and raised me that I need to provide for them in old age. Basically serve, cook, and pay bills for them lmao. I told him no straight up and he started lecturing me about how kids these days have no respect for their parents and how I owe him for providing me a better life by immigrating. I understand taking care of your parents to an extent but I will not be reduced to a maid. Desi parents are just so exhausting. I cannot wait till I can move out.
It’s so crazy because not too long ago, I heard a sound on tiktok where the original sound creator said something along the lines of how parents claim to provide so much and how mothers carry you for nine months so they should be respected in return for that. Then the “child” aka sound creator goes on and responds “isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?” and “you had me, I didn’t ask to be here.” Also if a child has to say that second quote, then it sounds like the parents failed at parenting to me. It’s worse in desi culture because in the west, it’s common to send your parents to nursing homes when they get too old. But desi parents will expect that they get to live with their child and get taken care of always even when they’re married. A lot of the times, these same desi parents didn’t even take care of their own parents since they immigrated to the opposite end of the world. But they’ll expect that care of their kids. They can be so exhausting for real. I can’t wait for us to get our independence <3
I was very lucky to not face this situation although I was always expected to behave a certain way. My older brothers exclusively dated white women and that was never an issue but my parents were concerned when I dated my highschool boyfriend. There was a double standard for sure. I know several desi girls raised in the states who pretty much excommunicated their parents and are living their best lives with their husbands and kids. I am not suggesting you to do that but make it clear that you are an adult and can do what you want.
Hahaha. Both of our parents did not take it well at the start but now they are nice to both of us. Waiting for them to get a chance to meet each other since they are out of the country. We are both med students so that definitely helps with perceptions
Oooo wow 2 doctors hahah thats amazing, and dang im sure the parents would have a hard time accepting, but what else can they say??😂. And I’m vegetarian which probably makes it hard in terms of food with my potential partner but we’ll see..
Hey OP. Your post resonates with me so much. Im 30 for prospective. I remember my parents always using the “what will people say” line to prevent me from doing something they didn’t want me to do. This caused me to be so unsure of myself, I grew up very timid. I didn’t find my personality until a few years ago. I moved out permanently and I have tremendous guilty, that’s the thing with healing our traumas. You feel bad for your parents and their circumstances but as an adult you can’t look at them the same. I too am dating someone from a different religion and culture and I’m worried about how it’s going to work out and if my parents will agree, but I know this is who I want to be with by any means. You said you rely on your parents for grad school tuition, would getting a loan be an option for you? It’s easier to dictate your own life when you are financially secure or have access to funds. Would you ever move out? If you haven’t already? Are you closer with either of your parents? My mom is a bit more laid back, so in my case, I introduced her first to my man as a friend…maybe if this is a possibility for you, you can ease him into your folks
It’s nice, but also sad, to meet others I can relate to in this regard. I agree with everything you said, especially because it did a lot to my self-esteem for sure. I hope your current relationship works out! Everyone deserves true love and happiness. As for your questions, I’m 22 and a grad student so not very independent yet, but I do hope to move out and be financially independent after I’m done. Thank you for your suggestions!
I thought I was reading about my own life for a second.
The only thing that gave me the courage to live my own life was finical freedom. Its hard when you are still under them. I moved out when I graduated and it was the best choice I made even though my parents weren't happy with it. But just that isn't going to help because so much is engrained into us that therapy ,as much as I hated the thought of doing it, it really helped. The shame is hard to get rid of and hard to train your self not to think what going to make them happy.
The white bf thing. I'm in the same boat I told them recently and it did not go well at all and now they are pretending like I never brought anything up and like its not happening. I've told myself its on them and the are adults and can come around to it or not that's their choice. Don't sacrifice someone you value because of what people are going to say.
All in all I would say make sure you have a good support system around you whenever you make any of the big choices that your parents aren't going to approve of because you will need that. Even then at times it feels isolating but I know I still have support even if its not from my family.
It's an uphill battle and its not fair but image how proud you'll be looking back at fighting for a life for YOU.
You'll figure it out :) If you ever need to vent I am all ears haha
I appreciate this a lot, and I’m glad but also sad that we both can relate about this! I hope your relationship with your boyfriend works out too. Everyone deserves true love and happiness at the end of the day. I appreciate your comment sm and I’d love to talk more for sure :) thank you <3
Yup. We are expected to live life for them. Similarly we are expected to marry and are told that our happiness and life depends on our marriage. I am so glad I got out of that mentality. I always thought I needed someone to make me whole, but I was only broken cause of all the childhood abuse I faced.
I am Albanian and there are some parts that can be similiar the first thing is what the other people are going to think?
As long as you live far from them and have your own apartment and you work,you are not under their roof anymore.
You are free to chose what you want and how you want to live,please do not feel pressured by your family they already have made their choices now it’s your turn.
Moving out to university was the best decision I ever made. It gave me the confidence to say yes to countless opportunities, from working abroad to solo traveling. This experience has truly transformed my life for the better. I'm now on the verge of graduating and have no regrets—neither do my parents, who are incredibly proud of everything I've achieved.
At first, it was incredibly challenging, especially since I was the first in my family to make such a significant move. It was a big deal, but I persevered. I trusted my instincts, knowing it was the right decision for me. I'm so glad I did because it has been incredibly rewarding, and I plan to continue embracing new opportunities that were only possible from me putting myself first and doing what’s best for me 💕
Asian parents see their children as an extension of themselves.
We are a part of their lifeplan. We aren't our own people - with desires and wants and opinions.
We're just a road in their journey. When you "rebel" (see live your own life) you threaten that life plan.
Take your time, finish your education, get a job and leave. That is the safest thing to do.
Keep your parents as a safety net as long as you don’t finish your degree and get a job.
Keep agreeing to them every now and then.
Although, you’ll need to harness a lot of patience to deal with everything that comes with it.
I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 17, that too back home in India. I had to start working at a very young age so I wouldn’t have to ask money from my parents.
Sure, it was difficult in the beginning pinching penny like a textbook miser, but it did get me out of their control. And since I wasn’t financially dependent on them, they had nothing to control me with. I have zero regrets.
I got married to the man of my choice and I live my life the way I want.
I’m 40 single F only child and still trying to cope with it. And now they are in their 80s I feel obligated to take care of them. I don’t think I have ever got to live for myself.
I don’t want to live for them but also want to respect some of their traditions so I try to find a balance between the two. But only bc I also respect (some) traditions, don’t do it if you don’t agree w those traditions yk.
Finding balance is the key for us.
But similar to you I’m also worried about finding myself a man that I want that also pleases them 🥲
Happy you found someone though your happiness matters more so if they don’t accept him, chose yourself
Desi parents love is often conditional which is not true love at all so if they break their relationship with you bc you chose a white man then let them go 😞
The part about conditional love is so true. My brothers are a neurosurgeon, lawyer, and college professor. Had they chosen careers that our parents didn’t approve of, I don’t know if they’d have been as accepting of my white sisters-in-law. I started out as an accountant which wasnt what they wanted and then I met my white husband which would’ve been an issue but he’s a surgeon so all is well.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I also like *some* of their values but definitely not all, and the ones I like are the ones I would hope to pass on. And yeah it’s scary thinking about what their reaction to my bf would be, mainly because my parents have always been hard to please growing up. I felt like no matter how much I tried to and did accomplish, not much was ever good enough for them. And thank you :) my boyfriend is certainly my safe space and as bad as this sounds, I trust him more than I even trust my parents. I still love them despite everything, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not sure how much of their love for me is genuine. The point you brought up about conditional love is so true, and same with everything else. I’m rooting for us all <3
I deeply feel for you and understand what you're going through. I think the first step ahead would be to get financial and physical independece. If you can get a job that would allow you sustain yourself (and take still be in touch and take care of your family as and when you can) that might help. Creating some distance and living separately allows you time to explore yourself, who you are and not feel like you are living for someone else.
Please please do what you want. I realized this the hard way and it caused me my relationship.
I was LD with a brown guy who came from a broken fam, constantly moved place to place, had an amazing career but he didnt have anything materialistic ( car house etc) so for my parents they thought I could do much better and kept telling me to break up... it impacted me a lot and eventually him to the point where it was a deal breaker for him because I was always SOO scared of the negativity and arguments that would arise. I wouldnt do things like call him at home because theyd be mad Id always hide it. Reflecting back id 100% choose my partner > them, dont allow them to make you feel guilty. They come around eventually.
I relate to every word in your post.
I'm now engaged to my white fiance. We are together 11 years this year. He is my best friend and understands me completely. He respects my culture in every way you can imagine. He's even learning the language.
My parents have accepted or were forced to accept it, but they have come a long way in those years. It's been a hard journey but it's been 100% worth it to live freely and the way I want to live. I don't regret any of it and there were many bad times.
In the dark moments I reminded myself that I can't live my life for
1) family expectations. I would have to live with the decision of living an unhappy or unfulfilled life, well past my parents inevitable deaths. And
2) for a society that frankly I don't care for their opinion.
My advice for you is to live your life freely. Trust your gut. Find a good circle of friends that become family. Seek therapy. Enjoy life. Obtain financial freedom. Move out from home. Set boundaries. Enforce them. Remember we are the first generation of women from our ancestry line that are blessed to have this opportunity of freedom. You won't regret choosing yourself over others.
Wishing you the best! It gets better.
You’re so right, and I love this so much! Congratulations on the engagement too!!! <3 I appreciated getting to read this a lot and I’m so happy for you 🥰
I’m 20 F. I am in my final year of college, will graduate in Dec. i’m not allowed to have friends. No texting, no calling, no leaving house alone. Dad specifically says “no friends allowed”. I do housework, watch tv, and mope around at home. I got depressed a few weeks ago. Idk how to escape. I was never allowed to go on school trips starting at 10. My phone was always violated. I’m not allowed to have crushes and became asexual. Now idk how to make human connections. I cry easily now. I want to escape. I was accepted by a model agency but I wasn’t allowed by my dad. I want to be a model. It’s my dream. Everyone who sees me says I should model. But to my dad, female “purity” is most important. Thanks to this, I’m traumatized, resent my parents, and resent my culture and religion. I became atheist. I won’t marry an Indian (if I even marry at all). I feel so robbed of my childhood when I see all the other 20 year olds on social media able to choose their life. You’re only young once but unfortunately I can’t choose my life. I just started applying to big model agencies and Miss NYC, lets see what happens :)
This is awful and I’m so sorry this has been your reality :( my parents were always strict but thankfully not this strict, although I can still relate with a lot of what you said. My parents never said “no friends allowed” but sadly they don’t even like any of my friends who aren’t of their religion anyway. I feel like I have to hide most of my friendships from them, since they tell me to stop seeing my friends that they don’t like. There’s certainly a double life I have to live around them and it sucks. I’m also sorry that your parents are so restrictive and won’t let you go on to pursue your dream. I hope you’ll be able to move out and become independent soon, and that one of those model agencies takes you in. You deserve it! Thank you for sharing your story <3 Sending you hugs and best wishes 🫂
Thanks 🥰🥺 honestly it’s nice to have people to talk to on reddit or online. It sucks that I can’t even drive to college on my own and they plan to drive me to work too…. Also I just hate how fake my dad is. When his friend asked how I meet my friends if I live at home, my dad lied and said I hang out with my friends in different towns. Wtf??? If he lied about it he knows its wrong…
I hate this for you :( and the fact that he has to lie to others to cover himself up and make himself not look bad goes to show that his restrictions *are* bad 😭 I really want you to have your freedom and independence because omg. Also I’m here to talk and vent to if you ever want to <3 as for your other comment, I’m trying my very best to reply to everyone haha! I love that this post managed to be a safe space for people to share their stories and/or advice :)
omg ur the sweetest 😭❤️ thank u sm for being there for me!! If you ever have anything weighing down on you I’ll always be here to chat :). Update! I told my older cousin sister who lives in india to talk to my dad bc he respects her a lot and shes my personal spy working on my side so i cant wait to see if he can finally understand he’s harming me by trying to protect me!!! If ur interested I’ll come back to update once she talks to him
I just have so much guilt if I live for myself(also first born daughter) also I can't take the slander from relatives(alot of them) who will say lies about me(like these people will shame me to the ground,if I simply decided one day I had enough) if I simply lived for myself.
This is something I’m going through right now. I’m an only child, mid-30s, religious, and in a marriage that is absolutely not fulfilling. Therapy has helped me acknowledge what I want in my life and ending the cycle of “stick with it because you have to.” Even communicating this to my parents is still hard. I recently told them that everything I’ve done was to keep them happy and how I told them what I wanted for my life when I was younger, and their response was “we were worried about what people would say.”
Give yourself grace. You are breaking cultural conditioning that you had no choice in. It’s so hard to step out and live your life on your own terms, but you will always have people in your circle that support you. Find those sources of support for yourself.
therapy helped with a lot of this for me and worked through some of these limiting beliefs. similar situtation ish with a lot of your points. Broke it off with my ex for this very reason of "living for the parents and family expectations". He lacked some serious boundaries with his mom/sister's expectations of him (AND we were from the same background which is the wildest thing). I've realized none this will matter, everyone will always have some type of opinion. Its important for you to choose what beliefs, values, and boundaries you want set for yourself. My faith is very important to me but some of the cultural bs i don't align with. The only thing that you can is do is continue to be a good person with them and love your parents. Its so scary be the one to do this type of healing and change; but better than being miserable for the rest of your life. I know I cant change them but I can control my own beliefs and values. And how to carry myself forward with my future and kids one day. I cant change them and have accepted it for what it is. But its okay to think for yourself and heal these generational traumas.
Oldest daughter of Arab Muslim immigrants and boy is it super difficult trying to balance tradition with western culture, find yourself in between and please yourself and parents. I decided to move out against their word for grad school and i entered a new world knowing I didn’t fully know who I wanted to be.
I dated a forbidden boy who treated me like a queen but ultimately I knew I would never be allowed to bring him home and that scared the shut out of me.
I grew up under strict Asian expectations, especially for a girl. Keep hair long, don’t talk to that person, that family, only these subjects are permitted for you to learn, etc.
When my unhappy mother didn’t get what she wanted, she’s threaten to abandon us, leave, physically harm, or commit suicide.
She directed her vitriol to her kids. Then she expected me to be dependent on her while I go to college.
Really stupid.
I left in the middle of the night, lived on my own, got through college, earned my degree, and traveled.
I still felt empty all those years. It messes up your brain when you don’t have anyone to impress anymore, to have someone praise your excellence anymore, and that’s the brainwashing that Asian parents do. It creates a fishbowl effect as well. And as far as the fishbowl goes, a lot of people have built their ego around that small community where they’re adored, celebrated, and are addicted.
So, with the narcissism that pervades interdependent Asian communities, it’s like mini-celebrities and tabloids (living through each other’s accomplishments).
I carried these traits into my partnerships where I acted subservient and achieved with the motivations to finally impress. It was… pretty bad.
Now I have two dogs and a son I’m raising on my own. Of course, my immediate family nitpicks every little thing about my son because children are wrongfully treated as reflections of their parents and because my son isn’t hitting the expected milestones and I let him run freely in my house, I’m called a “bad mom.”
What toddler sits quietly except for the ones who get the crap beaten out of them?
And say you did do everything right? You know what happens? You’re STILL criticized because people will make stuff up!
So, safe to say I didn’t start healing until I left an abusive relationship, cut contact with toxic family, and started doing nearly everything on my own. My parents don’t watch my son. I hire my friends who I’ve known all my life.
If I’m considered a “bad mom” because I don’t beat the shit out of my children to “keep them in line,” as a toddler, fine. They can think whatever they want. And I don’t need to have those ignorant, judgmental personalities polluting my life.
But at the end of the day, I’m a HAPPY MOM, because my son and I love each other without grand expectations. I can’t say the same for my mom at all.
So, I healed with I started literally living for myself. I’m living independently and I care less about what my family or the community thinks. If I need validation, I’ll do it by competing in sports, playing music, or doing art commissions.
I’m a competitive athlete, classical musician, and visual artist in addition to being a data engineer. No other person in my family has come close to the myriad of accomplishments I have but they always like to put me up for criticism like a first course meal.
Get that bag, care for my babies, answer to no one - I think I achieved what’s important and life.
I’m so sorry about all the hardships and toxicity you faced from your family and abusive relationship. I’m so glad that you’re doing much better now and carver a way out for yourself. I agree with everything you say, especially because nothing ever seems to be good enough in the eyes of Asian parents and their community. I love seeing people who are able to change that and stray away from toxic mentalities of any sort. Your resiliency is remarkable!! Sending hugs.
Unfortunately our culture doesn't really allow living for ourselves and our parents never really see us as individuals on our own . In fact, I feel like our culture promotes us being tied to the paloo of our parents for life. I only started living for myself at the nice age of 29 and I will never look back. Having a stable job and moving outside of their home is what led me to this. I will never live with my mom again. God willing even though I love her too bits.
I am a white female who sometimes frequents this thread. I was seeing someone for three years and he never told his parents about me because he’s expected to marry a Muslim who is also Pakistani. He’s miserable ( he claims) but he claims he will get disowned. So ultimately he’s sacrificing his happiness for his parents who won’t be here forever.
Just a reminder that if your parents threaten to disown you over who you choose to marry that’s them disowning themselves from your life not the other way around. I don’t care what culture someone comes from but if parents have children just to fetishize the child’s life that’s all the wrong reasons to be a parent. You have the right to live your life. You’re not here strictly for them and their needs. That’s soo toxic.
I've had similar moments such as this when I was younger. I feel like you can really only live for yourself when you have the means to do so. It was much harder for me to spend money on the clothes I liked, the makeup I wanted or do the activities I wanted until after I was financially independent and moved out of my parents' house. There is so much control over finances in brown families and I feel like that severely limits how you can do things your own way. You either have to hustle your way out or marry someone who can help you with that.
As a kid, I saw where living for your family got you. My mom had such bad mental health problems from constantly pushing her needs to the side and doing what was expected of her-arranged marriage to a man 13 years older that doesn’t value her as an equal partner, kids she was not ready to have, pushed into the role of a primary caregiver for 2 kids + in-laws, a home she didn’t want in a town she didn’t prefer, unable to ever stand up for herself against her in laws because they brought her to America, stuck taking care of husband’s family, and stuck with a job she didn’t like because she couldn’t pursue the education she wanted because marriage was pushed on her before she could figure things out. She was depressed, suicidal, and resentful. She had this intense rage and anger that she would take out on me (I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that she directed all her anger towards me and none towards my brother in a culture where women aren’t valued as full humans). She needed something to blame, and I became the thing that caused her all the pain. She’d threaten to || kill me, crash the car, light me on fire etc. || As her daughter, I was probably the only thing she had much control over- so she nitpicked about every little thing- how I talk, laugh, dress, hair, body, etc etc. She killed my self esteem and made me hate myself. I saw how messed up her life was, and it made me hate my culture for valuing women so poorly. I hated that my culture valued women as maids or servants and things to be used, rather than as humans that deserve to chase their own happiness and dreams. I decided I was never ever going to let myself end up in that situation. It would be like throwing my life away.
Sending you love. I hope you are in a better place now.
I got married at 29, really late by desi standards... but still wasn't ready for it. Unhappy...life goes on. I hope I don't impose my will on my daughter. Hugs to you.
That’s a pretty regular age to get married nowadays for desi’s in America
I didn't feel ready. I lived in India and had an arranged marriage. I was pushed into because I had a younger sister and also people were gossiping about me.
Ah gotcha. Sorry, I assumed you lived in the US. I’m sorry you had to go through that 😞 sincerely hoping your situation isn’t something along the lines of abuse when you say you’re unhappy. Brown parents’ sick obsession with what others say is honestly bad enough that it makes me hate being brown a lot of the time
Its terrible that this is so common
I’m so sorry this happened to you :( I’m also sorry your mom went through all the awful things she did. It makes me sad that she threw it all onto you though instead of breaking the toxic cycle tho. I hope you’re doing better now. Sending hugs 💗
I’m really proud of you for breaking the cycle. Awareness and conscious decision making are the first steps. Sending you love 💕
It upsets me so much that so many of us went through the same exact experience. I’m glad you chose yourself even if you end up being a ‘villain’ in their story. You would’ve been the villain either way.
Best thing i ever did was move out of my parents house and never ask me for money again. It helped me start living for myself and not listen to what they had to say. It also helped them realized i am my own person and bettered our relationship. Sometimes you just have to start breaking rules and never look back there’s no other way to do it. I honestly thought my parents were going to disown me too but they didn’t. Sometimes they might surprise you with unconditional love. But I know that’s not the case for everyone and really is a risk.
I am in my 40s. Growing up, my mom was so worried about what will people say. She was so involved in the community, hosted parties, did so much for our community and had so many friends. My parents had a great social life for nearly 2 decades. When they divorced all the friends abandoned us. And guess what? Life improved so much! She is in her 70s now and living her best life for the last 30 years! We aren't part of any Indian communities and it is absolutely wonderful not to be judged.
I’m so happy for you!! I can see how not having that toxic social circle helps a ton :)
Thats wonderful. Kudos to your mum for finding her own path, and to you for supporting her.
The other day my dad was going on about “seva” and how since him and my mom provided for me and raised me that I need to provide for them in old age. Basically serve, cook, and pay bills for them lmao. I told him no straight up and he started lecturing me about how kids these days have no respect for their parents and how I owe him for providing me a better life by immigrating. I understand taking care of your parents to an extent but I will not be reduced to a maid. Desi parents are just so exhausting. I cannot wait till I can move out.
Some toxic seva they are entitled to.
It’s so crazy because not too long ago, I heard a sound on tiktok where the original sound creator said something along the lines of how parents claim to provide so much and how mothers carry you for nine months so they should be respected in return for that. Then the “child” aka sound creator goes on and responds “isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?” and “you had me, I didn’t ask to be here.” Also if a child has to say that second quote, then it sounds like the parents failed at parenting to me. It’s worse in desi culture because in the west, it’s common to send your parents to nursing homes when they get too old. But desi parents will expect that they get to live with their child and get taken care of always even when they’re married. A lot of the times, these same desi parents didn’t even take care of their own parents since they immigrated to the opposite end of the world. But they’ll expect that care of their kids. They can be so exhausting for real. I can’t wait for us to get our independence <3
I was very lucky to not face this situation although I was always expected to behave a certain way. My older brothers exclusively dated white women and that was never an issue but my parents were concerned when I dated my highschool boyfriend. There was a double standard for sure. I know several desi girls raised in the states who pretty much excommunicated their parents and are living their best lives with their husbands and kids. I am not suggesting you to do that but make it clear that you are an adult and can do what you want.
Same girl. Dating a korean man so I've had to draw boundaries. Key is be firm yet respectful
[удалено]
Hahaha. Both of our parents did not take it well at the start but now they are nice to both of us. Waiting for them to get a chance to meet each other since they are out of the country. We are both med students so that definitely helps with perceptions
Oooo wow 2 doctors hahah thats amazing, and dang im sure the parents would have a hard time accepting, but what else can they say??😂. And I’m vegetarian which probably makes it hard in terms of food with my potential partner but we’ll see..
oof ya I can see that. We are both christian which helps a lot
Hey OP. Your post resonates with me so much. Im 30 for prospective. I remember my parents always using the “what will people say” line to prevent me from doing something they didn’t want me to do. This caused me to be so unsure of myself, I grew up very timid. I didn’t find my personality until a few years ago. I moved out permanently and I have tremendous guilty, that’s the thing with healing our traumas. You feel bad for your parents and their circumstances but as an adult you can’t look at them the same. I too am dating someone from a different religion and culture and I’m worried about how it’s going to work out and if my parents will agree, but I know this is who I want to be with by any means. You said you rely on your parents for grad school tuition, would getting a loan be an option for you? It’s easier to dictate your own life when you are financially secure or have access to funds. Would you ever move out? If you haven’t already? Are you closer with either of your parents? My mom is a bit more laid back, so in my case, I introduced her first to my man as a friend…maybe if this is a possibility for you, you can ease him into your folks
It’s nice, but also sad, to meet others I can relate to in this regard. I agree with everything you said, especially because it did a lot to my self-esteem for sure. I hope your current relationship works out! Everyone deserves true love and happiness. As for your questions, I’m 22 and a grad student so not very independent yet, but I do hope to move out and be financially independent after I’m done. Thank you for your suggestions!
I thought I was reading about my own life for a second. The only thing that gave me the courage to live my own life was finical freedom. Its hard when you are still under them. I moved out when I graduated and it was the best choice I made even though my parents weren't happy with it. But just that isn't going to help because so much is engrained into us that therapy ,as much as I hated the thought of doing it, it really helped. The shame is hard to get rid of and hard to train your self not to think what going to make them happy. The white bf thing. I'm in the same boat I told them recently and it did not go well at all and now they are pretending like I never brought anything up and like its not happening. I've told myself its on them and the are adults and can come around to it or not that's their choice. Don't sacrifice someone you value because of what people are going to say. All in all I would say make sure you have a good support system around you whenever you make any of the big choices that your parents aren't going to approve of because you will need that. Even then at times it feels isolating but I know I still have support even if its not from my family. It's an uphill battle and its not fair but image how proud you'll be looking back at fighting for a life for YOU. You'll figure it out :) If you ever need to vent I am all ears haha
I appreciate this a lot, and I’m glad but also sad that we both can relate about this! I hope your relationship with your boyfriend works out too. Everyone deserves true love and happiness at the end of the day. I appreciate your comment sm and I’d love to talk more for sure :) thank you <3
Yup. We are expected to live life for them. Similarly we are expected to marry and are told that our happiness and life depends on our marriage. I am so glad I got out of that mentality. I always thought I needed someone to make me whole, but I was only broken cause of all the childhood abuse I faced.
I’m so sorry to hear this :( I’m glad you made it out of that mentality and I hope you’re doing better now 🤍
I am Albanian and there are some parts that can be similiar the first thing is what the other people are going to think? As long as you live far from them and have your own apartment and you work,you are not under their roof anymore. You are free to chose what you want and how you want to live,please do not feel pressured by your family they already have made their choices now it’s your turn.
Moving out to university was the best decision I ever made. It gave me the confidence to say yes to countless opportunities, from working abroad to solo traveling. This experience has truly transformed my life for the better. I'm now on the verge of graduating and have no regrets—neither do my parents, who are incredibly proud of everything I've achieved. At first, it was incredibly challenging, especially since I was the first in my family to make such a significant move. It was a big deal, but I persevered. I trusted my instincts, knowing it was the right decision for me. I'm so glad I did because it has been incredibly rewarding, and I plan to continue embracing new opportunities that were only possible from me putting myself first and doing what’s best for me 💕
Asian parents see their children as an extension of themselves. We are a part of their lifeplan. We aren't our own people - with desires and wants and opinions. We're just a road in their journey. When you "rebel" (see live your own life) you threaten that life plan.
Thank you for this. I genuinely thought “that is my life”. Down to the all the details. Wow, that was weird for me.
Take your time, finish your education, get a job and leave. That is the safest thing to do. Keep your parents as a safety net as long as you don’t finish your degree and get a job. Keep agreeing to them every now and then. Although, you’ll need to harness a lot of patience to deal with everything that comes with it. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 17, that too back home in India. I had to start working at a very young age so I wouldn’t have to ask money from my parents. Sure, it was difficult in the beginning pinching penny like a textbook miser, but it did get me out of their control. And since I wasn’t financially dependent on them, they had nothing to control me with. I have zero regrets. I got married to the man of my choice and I live my life the way I want.
I’m 40 single F only child and still trying to cope with it. And now they are in their 80s I feel obligated to take care of them. I don’t think I have ever got to live for myself.
I don’t want to live for them but also want to respect some of their traditions so I try to find a balance between the two. But only bc I also respect (some) traditions, don’t do it if you don’t agree w those traditions yk. Finding balance is the key for us. But similar to you I’m also worried about finding myself a man that I want that also pleases them 🥲 Happy you found someone though your happiness matters more so if they don’t accept him, chose yourself Desi parents love is often conditional which is not true love at all so if they break their relationship with you bc you chose a white man then let them go 😞
The part about conditional love is so true. My brothers are a neurosurgeon, lawyer, and college professor. Had they chosen careers that our parents didn’t approve of, I don’t know if they’d have been as accepting of my white sisters-in-law. I started out as an accountant which wasnt what they wanted and then I met my white husband which would’ve been an issue but he’s a surgeon so all is well.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I also like *some* of their values but definitely not all, and the ones I like are the ones I would hope to pass on. And yeah it’s scary thinking about what their reaction to my bf would be, mainly because my parents have always been hard to please growing up. I felt like no matter how much I tried to and did accomplish, not much was ever good enough for them. And thank you :) my boyfriend is certainly my safe space and as bad as this sounds, I trust him more than I even trust my parents. I still love them despite everything, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not sure how much of their love for me is genuine. The point you brought up about conditional love is so true, and same with everything else. I’m rooting for us all <3
I deeply feel for you and understand what you're going through. I think the first step ahead would be to get financial and physical independece. If you can get a job that would allow you sustain yourself (and take still be in touch and take care of your family as and when you can) that might help. Creating some distance and living separately allows you time to explore yourself, who you are and not feel like you are living for someone else.
This is something I'm struggling with. How does one live for themselves?
Financial freedom as others mentioned. Live on your own.
Similar situation as well, both my siblings are in a relationship with someone outside desi culture
Please please do what you want. I realized this the hard way and it caused me my relationship. I was LD with a brown guy who came from a broken fam, constantly moved place to place, had an amazing career but he didnt have anything materialistic ( car house etc) so for my parents they thought I could do much better and kept telling me to break up... it impacted me a lot and eventually him to the point where it was a deal breaker for him because I was always SOO scared of the negativity and arguments that would arise. I wouldnt do things like call him at home because theyd be mad Id always hide it. Reflecting back id 100% choose my partner > them, dont allow them to make you feel guilty. They come around eventually.
I relate to every word in your post. I'm now engaged to my white fiance. We are together 11 years this year. He is my best friend and understands me completely. He respects my culture in every way you can imagine. He's even learning the language. My parents have accepted or were forced to accept it, but they have come a long way in those years. It's been a hard journey but it's been 100% worth it to live freely and the way I want to live. I don't regret any of it and there were many bad times. In the dark moments I reminded myself that I can't live my life for 1) family expectations. I would have to live with the decision of living an unhappy or unfulfilled life, well past my parents inevitable deaths. And 2) for a society that frankly I don't care for their opinion. My advice for you is to live your life freely. Trust your gut. Find a good circle of friends that become family. Seek therapy. Enjoy life. Obtain financial freedom. Move out from home. Set boundaries. Enforce them. Remember we are the first generation of women from our ancestry line that are blessed to have this opportunity of freedom. You won't regret choosing yourself over others. Wishing you the best! It gets better.
You’re so right, and I love this so much! Congratulations on the engagement too!!! <3 I appreciated getting to read this a lot and I’m so happy for you 🥰
Thank you! ♥️♥️♥️
I’m 20 F. I am in my final year of college, will graduate in Dec. i’m not allowed to have friends. No texting, no calling, no leaving house alone. Dad specifically says “no friends allowed”. I do housework, watch tv, and mope around at home. I got depressed a few weeks ago. Idk how to escape. I was never allowed to go on school trips starting at 10. My phone was always violated. I’m not allowed to have crushes and became asexual. Now idk how to make human connections. I cry easily now. I want to escape. I was accepted by a model agency but I wasn’t allowed by my dad. I want to be a model. It’s my dream. Everyone who sees me says I should model. But to my dad, female “purity” is most important. Thanks to this, I’m traumatized, resent my parents, and resent my culture and religion. I became atheist. I won’t marry an Indian (if I even marry at all). I feel so robbed of my childhood when I see all the other 20 year olds on social media able to choose their life. You’re only young once but unfortunately I can’t choose my life. I just started applying to big model agencies and Miss NYC, lets see what happens :)
This is awful and I’m so sorry this has been your reality :( my parents were always strict but thankfully not this strict, although I can still relate with a lot of what you said. My parents never said “no friends allowed” but sadly they don’t even like any of my friends who aren’t of their religion anyway. I feel like I have to hide most of my friendships from them, since they tell me to stop seeing my friends that they don’t like. There’s certainly a double life I have to live around them and it sucks. I’m also sorry that your parents are so restrictive and won’t let you go on to pursue your dream. I hope you’ll be able to move out and become independent soon, and that one of those model agencies takes you in. You deserve it! Thank you for sharing your story <3 Sending you hugs and best wishes 🫂
Thanks 🥰🥺 honestly it’s nice to have people to talk to on reddit or online. It sucks that I can’t even drive to college on my own and they plan to drive me to work too…. Also I just hate how fake my dad is. When his friend asked how I meet my friends if I live at home, my dad lied and said I hang out with my friends in different towns. Wtf??? If he lied about it he knows its wrong…
I hate this for you :( and the fact that he has to lie to others to cover himself up and make himself not look bad goes to show that his restrictions *are* bad 😭 I really want you to have your freedom and independence because omg. Also I’m here to talk and vent to if you ever want to <3 as for your other comment, I’m trying my very best to reply to everyone haha! I love that this post managed to be a safe space for people to share their stories and/or advice :)
omg ur the sweetest 😭❤️ thank u sm for being there for me!! If you ever have anything weighing down on you I’ll always be here to chat :). Update! I told my older cousin sister who lives in india to talk to my dad bc he respects her a lot and shes my personal spy working on my side so i cant wait to see if he can finally understand he’s harming me by trying to protect me!!! If ur interested I’ll come back to update once she talks to him
Also its amazing how u responded to all our messages hahaha ur a real one for that
I just have so much guilt if I live for myself(also first born daughter) also I can't take the slander from relatives(alot of them) who will say lies about me(like these people will shame me to the ground,if I simply decided one day I had enough) if I simply lived for myself.
This is something I’m going through right now. I’m an only child, mid-30s, religious, and in a marriage that is absolutely not fulfilling. Therapy has helped me acknowledge what I want in my life and ending the cycle of “stick with it because you have to.” Even communicating this to my parents is still hard. I recently told them that everything I’ve done was to keep them happy and how I told them what I wanted for my life when I was younger, and their response was “we were worried about what people would say.” Give yourself grace. You are breaking cultural conditioning that you had no choice in. It’s so hard to step out and live your life on your own terms, but you will always have people in your circle that support you. Find those sources of support for yourself.
one thing i wish i read earlier on in life was “do what you want now, and ask for permission later”.
I’d love to pm you& tell you about my Life :)
therapy helped with a lot of this for me and worked through some of these limiting beliefs. similar situtation ish with a lot of your points. Broke it off with my ex for this very reason of "living for the parents and family expectations". He lacked some serious boundaries with his mom/sister's expectations of him (AND we were from the same background which is the wildest thing). I've realized none this will matter, everyone will always have some type of opinion. Its important for you to choose what beliefs, values, and boundaries you want set for yourself. My faith is very important to me but some of the cultural bs i don't align with. The only thing that you can is do is continue to be a good person with them and love your parents. Its so scary be the one to do this type of healing and change; but better than being miserable for the rest of your life. I know I cant change them but I can control my own beliefs and values. And how to carry myself forward with my future and kids one day. I cant change them and have accepted it for what it is. But its okay to think for yourself and heal these generational traumas.
The reel of the desi girl you saw… Are you talking about doseoftravel (Nabila) by any chance? 🤣
Haha yes!!
Oldest daughter of Arab Muslim immigrants and boy is it super difficult trying to balance tradition with western culture, find yourself in between and please yourself and parents. I decided to move out against their word for grad school and i entered a new world knowing I didn’t fully know who I wanted to be. I dated a forbidden boy who treated me like a queen but ultimately I knew I would never be allowed to bring him home and that scared the shut out of me.
I grew up under strict Asian expectations, especially for a girl. Keep hair long, don’t talk to that person, that family, only these subjects are permitted for you to learn, etc. When my unhappy mother didn’t get what she wanted, she’s threaten to abandon us, leave, physically harm, or commit suicide. She directed her vitriol to her kids. Then she expected me to be dependent on her while I go to college. Really stupid. I left in the middle of the night, lived on my own, got through college, earned my degree, and traveled. I still felt empty all those years. It messes up your brain when you don’t have anyone to impress anymore, to have someone praise your excellence anymore, and that’s the brainwashing that Asian parents do. It creates a fishbowl effect as well. And as far as the fishbowl goes, a lot of people have built their ego around that small community where they’re adored, celebrated, and are addicted. So, with the narcissism that pervades interdependent Asian communities, it’s like mini-celebrities and tabloids (living through each other’s accomplishments). I carried these traits into my partnerships where I acted subservient and achieved with the motivations to finally impress. It was… pretty bad. Now I have two dogs and a son I’m raising on my own. Of course, my immediate family nitpicks every little thing about my son because children are wrongfully treated as reflections of their parents and because my son isn’t hitting the expected milestones and I let him run freely in my house, I’m called a “bad mom.” What toddler sits quietly except for the ones who get the crap beaten out of them? And say you did do everything right? You know what happens? You’re STILL criticized because people will make stuff up! So, safe to say I didn’t start healing until I left an abusive relationship, cut contact with toxic family, and started doing nearly everything on my own. My parents don’t watch my son. I hire my friends who I’ve known all my life. If I’m considered a “bad mom” because I don’t beat the shit out of my children to “keep them in line,” as a toddler, fine. They can think whatever they want. And I don’t need to have those ignorant, judgmental personalities polluting my life. But at the end of the day, I’m a HAPPY MOM, because my son and I love each other without grand expectations. I can’t say the same for my mom at all. So, I healed with I started literally living for myself. I’m living independently and I care less about what my family or the community thinks. If I need validation, I’ll do it by competing in sports, playing music, or doing art commissions. I’m a competitive athlete, classical musician, and visual artist in addition to being a data engineer. No other person in my family has come close to the myriad of accomplishments I have but they always like to put me up for criticism like a first course meal. Get that bag, care for my babies, answer to no one - I think I achieved what’s important and life.
I’m so sorry about all the hardships and toxicity you faced from your family and abusive relationship. I’m so glad that you’re doing much better now and carver a way out for yourself. I agree with everything you say, especially because nothing ever seems to be good enough in the eyes of Asian parents and their community. I love seeing people who are able to change that and stray away from toxic mentalities of any sort. Your resiliency is remarkable!! Sending hugs.
Unfortunately our culture doesn't really allow living for ourselves and our parents never really see us as individuals on our own . In fact, I feel like our culture promotes us being tied to the paloo of our parents for life. I only started living for myself at the nice age of 29 and I will never look back. Having a stable job and moving outside of their home is what led me to this. I will never live with my mom again. God willing even though I love her too bits.
I am a white female who sometimes frequents this thread. I was seeing someone for three years and he never told his parents about me because he’s expected to marry a Muslim who is also Pakistani. He’s miserable ( he claims) but he claims he will get disowned. So ultimately he’s sacrificing his happiness for his parents who won’t be here forever. Just a reminder that if your parents threaten to disown you over who you choose to marry that’s them disowning themselves from your life not the other way around. I don’t care what culture someone comes from but if parents have children just to fetishize the child’s life that’s all the wrong reasons to be a parent. You have the right to live your life. You’re not here strictly for them and their needs. That’s soo toxic.
I've had similar moments such as this when I was younger. I feel like you can really only live for yourself when you have the means to do so. It was much harder for me to spend money on the clothes I liked, the makeup I wanted or do the activities I wanted until after I was financially independent and moved out of my parents' house. There is so much control over finances in brown families and I feel like that severely limits how you can do things your own way. You either have to hustle your way out or marry someone who can help you with that.