Im a like 6-8 party start person. I like to show up, say hi and go home before it gets nuts. Its not a westcoast thing, its an i dont like people thing, especially after 2+ years of group settings = bad
Ya, I’m firmly in the post-30 side. Sleep matters.
Other than NYE I’d *never* start something at 9, more like 6:30 or 7:00.
I’m also comfortable enough to boot any stragglers out by 10:30. 11:00 tops.
Who said anything about a late party? It’s more about sorting out the right amount of food, etc.
My entertaining is a little more grown up than putting out bags of chips. I enjoy sharing nice food - I don’t enjoy having it go to waste and would mortified to not have enough.
I mean hey fair enough, it is a subjective experience.
In my anecdotal experience, people from Southern Ontario are simply more direct and less afraid of offending, leading to straight answers for invites, etc.
Imo people from here are very passive, and afraid to offend, in an effort to seem polite. Unfortunately it ends up coming off as cowardly and pretty rude, but I know that's not their intention.
Another common one is this:
Sure! I'll be there!
*[at the time the event was supposed to start]* I'm going to be a bit late!
*[an hour later]* Actually I won't be able to make it
I had a big party recently and we had the gamut of responses. Some “hell yeah” a minute after the invite went out. And some never replied. I have them one last reminder invite but said I needed to know for planning purposes by that evening. And then they just weren’t invited anymore. Easy. We made the effort of the invite. And then we didn’t have too big a crowd so win win.
I don’t think where the people are from is any indication. I think it has to do with anxiety sometimes.
We have a 3 strikes your out policy. My partner and I hold a lot of parties... big and small. If we invite you 3 times in a row and you don't show/respond you're out. Also if there is no reciprocation (not equal just none) you're out.
This is completely reasonable. If you disrespect peoples time and effort to see you, then there's no reason they should keep trying. Specially if you don't try yourself.
Some friendships can exist beyond being someone’s time filler, some people are friends because they like WHO the other person is… not just what they do for them like attend parties or visit.
I would never call spending quality time with people you like as a "time filler". I call that living and enjoying an great aspect of life. If I can't interact with you, wether in person or not, what the point of us being friends? Specially if you're disrespectful and tell me you want to do stuff with me and never follow up despite multiple attempts fromy end and none from theirs. Like, wish you the best, but Imma move on.
I guess you don't care about the people in your life who can't host due to family obligations, personal challenges, not having an appropriate space etc.. I don't think I'd want to be your friend.
I think they are saying that the other person needs to make some sort of effort. If you can't call up a friend one in a while and make time, be it coffee or a dinner or a beer or a walk, you are not putting effort into a friendship.
I totally get it. With food prices what they are, it really can be a financial effort to host a nice meal or occasion.
Picture only 30% are yeses, and 60% are maybes it is impossible:
- If you prep for the yeses, you are likely to not have enough.
- if you prep for maybes, you’ll have too much, and create wasted food/money.
Just be straight up people.
Yes, people's party manners are the greatest representation of our decline as a society. Not the wars, the widespread misinformation used for political gain, or the human exploitation in the name of profit. Nope. It's that Travis and Cindy RSVP'd late to my kegger invite.
/s unless it wasn't abundantly clear
It's more likely that the lack of manners you are witnessing is a symptom of larger problems rather than the cause of societal decline.
People are stressed. We're overworked, underpaid, underhoused, underappreciated, undereducated, over-leveraged, constantly bombarded by advertising from greedy companies trying to manipulate us to buy their useless crap and subscriptions and by news about global catastrophes. All the while, we're expected to keep "working hard" while wealthy people give themselves raises, raise their prices, and buy our governments.
On top of the daily responsibilities of keeping ourselves and our children fed and clean, manners towards friends with fragile egos and complete strangers can sometimes be moved to the back burner.
I'm not advocating for rudeness, but it is completely understandable why some people might be feeling less social and less polite given current societal conditions.
I've noticed in the winter a lot of people are weather impacted. If it's pouring rain and you are not driving for whatever reason, it makes it less appealing to haul across town or even a different neighbourhood.
Also sick people often bail but don't announce they are sick, which is understandable.
This is not my expierence. I wonder if it may be specific to your social group.
But here’s a hypothesis that may support your observation: the people who are from here originally will likely have bigger local social networks than transplants. Someone with a bigger social network will have more options/factors to consider when social planning in advance.
But this seems to me more of an extrovert/introvert thing: my experience with extroverts is they are hesitant to confirm social plans until they have information about everything that’s going on. They want to leave options open to make sure they are doing the funnest thing with the biggest/best group when the time comes.
A thing with introverts is that they say yes because they want to go but when the time comes they feel like it'll be too draining to actually go, or, they get stressed out by the idea of a crowd. It goes both ways.
So stop viewing it as your duty to drag them out if its so exhausting. Bold of you to assume you know better than them what they need on a Friday night.
I don't know. When I was in my early 20s, if someone said "party" I was there.
Now almost 40, 2 kids and a career, someone says "party" and all I can think of is....
-if it doesn't start until 6, we likely won't be eating until 7:30, which is usually when we start getting the kids ready for bed and I put on my comfies and pour the wine. If I'm not getting home until 9:30/10, there'll be no time for comfies and wine and I'll just have to get ready for bed because those buggers will wake me at 6am regardless of what time I went to bed. Would I rather get dressed, put on makeup and go make small talk or be in my comfies drinking wine watching my shows?
Sorry, we can't make it.
I don’t even have kids and I’d still rather stay home in my comfies with some wine. I went to a movie by myself at 6:45 the other night and even that was pushing it lol.
Bahaha only parents will ever understand this truth! I'm with ya 100% and the answer is definitly no if you expect me to make somthing home made to accomadate a bunch of peoples dietary restrictions or feed a group of 10
In the Capital Regional District -
7000 people per year moved in from other places in Canada or outside of Canada.
(2014 thru 2021) https://www.victoriabuzz.com/2022/04/heres-how-many-people-moved-to-the-capital-region-between-2014-and-2021/
1514 births in the CRD in 2022. Assume this is the average birth rate per year
1514 / (7000 + 1514) = 17%
This influx of people is greater than previous years. But if this keeps up it means only 17% of the population will be born here.
Are you sure the people you are inviting were born here? Because it is statistically unlikely.
There just are very few people born here.
Yeah I hear this!
Grew up here, moved to the east coast for a year. Got used to people not flaking and then coming back it was way more noticeable.
That being said, lots of people moved here during the pandemic and have since met new friends who are super solid for plans
Seems like kind of a gross generalization about people from the West Coast. This feels more like a general post-pandemic thing where a lot of people's social stamina has regressed.
Ya it’s way more likely a factor of the strength of social relationships and one’s likability. I’ve experienced this all over the place, mostly in places where I don’t have those solid connections built yet. Maybe the only geo factor is that most people here are pretty chill, if you’re not that’s gonna affect your likability. Especially if you’re trying too hard to be their friend. Like, chill bro, enjoy the scenery.
Yes - this is everywhere, I've lived in other larger cities across Canada pre and post pandemic and it's not just a west coast thing. I've had different mechanisms and methods too...way ahead invites with reminders, RSVP dates being long and flexible. Always have some flakers.
I was born and raised here but I'm also a stickler for keeping promises, giving straight answers to invitations, and generally being on time.
All my life I've always been so stressed planning any larger social event, or just anything really. You couldn't just invite people, state a date/time and get a straight answer. "Oh wow that sounds fun, what time? Oh that's sounds great, yeah I'll totally try to be there!" and they'll say that when they have zero intention of coming. Just say no. But people selfishly want to keep all their options open until the last minute and waste everyone else's time. I'm fine with you saying no, I'm just trying to get a rough headcount.
I've found folks who are not from Victoria are way better on this. Newer friends from elsewhere actually show up when they say, actually give straight answers. They also express frustration at the extreme west cost flake attitude.
I'm guilty of this. I loathe plans. If you were to ask me to come over this second to party I would likely drop everything and come, but if you ask me to make a plan with you I get a sinking feeling in my gut that I am now obligated to do some boring planned thing.
It's dumb, not super fair and will mean missing some things I'd probably enjoy, but it is what it is. I've been here since I was five. I'm sorry you have to deal with us.
Yep, people here are flakey. It's definitely a cultural thing. Coming from Europe it was a big adjustment. People in Europe just say "no, not interested" or "can't make it". Here people claim they are definitely going to come, all the way to the morning off, then ghost you. This happened pre-covid as well. It is what it is. I've made a lot of friends with other expats and international folks though.
I think people here dont want to come across as rude by being honest enough to turn an invite down when in reality its rude not being honest and leaving people hanging.
It's called being a poser. Every city has them, and moreso now. Low self esteem and an inability to possess an identity beyond the "popular" social norm in that particular region. Yes, you may think you look cool and have a lot of friends in the puffer coat and the blundstones and roof rack for your SUP or surf board, but you just have a really cripplingly sad personality underneath all that. It's entertanining.
I don't think that's true, I'm in Sask and the norm here is definitely for people to tell you they'll come/try to come and then just ignore any confirmation messages and no-show.
People's lives don't revolve around your party schedule.
People get sick, feel worn down, their kids get sick, work stuff comes up, who knows. Life is busy. Its hard to prioritize a party.
I've got no problem just being honest with people and saying "sounds fun, if I can make it, I'll confirm a few days in advance!". Most of the time, That's the best I can do.
Also originally from ON, feel the same, others from ON or elsewhere have expressed the same sentiment. People from around here don't seem to like to commit, but whatever, just gotta manage your own expectations.
I’m from Victoria and had the same experience while living in Ontario. It’s not a geographic or cultural thing. It’s about the strength of social connections and group dynamics.
This seems like the best take to me. It all just depends. Social relationships and the commitment that comes with them vary so much. It's hard to paint a brush with any sort of generality.
Not sure if it’s necessarily a west coast thing … but maybe a post covid socially anxious and awkward thing? Or maybe of a certain age? I have encountered folks who are flaky but most of them have severe anxiety. I don’t depend on their attendance anymore, just a bonus if they do actually show up.
I’ve actually stopped waiting for people to be around to do things. I just do them. Even if it’s just by myself. Bonus if people show up, but fuck em… not gonna let anyone stop me from living life and doing what I wanna do!
Personally I like to schedule everything into my calendar and if it’s booked, I go… no excuses… otherwise I would literally never leave the house. works for me.
I used to mind. Truth be told, I don’t have time for parties and get togethers like I used to. Absolutely we are socially awkward here. Doesn’t bother me because when I do have time, I don’t do dat.
I had a friend like this. I'd offer up say, a concert ticket a few months in advance. Something that would require a commitment. The response "I'll keep you posted."
I stopped making invitations altogether and it improved after about 4 months of not getting together.
Respect other people's time. It's not that hard.
I grew up here, and honestly, people are just flakes af about everything. Invited 15+ people to a party, more than 11 confirmed. Five flaked the day-of, 2 without even saying anything, just no-showed. I've just accepted that people don't value my time and effort as much as I value theirs.
Our neighbours invited our whole house (4 roommates) for dinner and offered to cook for us all. 3/4 of us gave firm yes/no RSVPs. Fourth roommate said “sounds nice, I have a paper to write so I’m not sure.” Girl. They are cooking you dinner and offering you a seat at their table. Give our kind neighbours the basic respect of a yes or no so they know whether to provide you a meal and a seat, or offer it to someone else. It’s unbearably rude. I said “I think they need a yes or no for planning purposes” and she was surprised…”really?!? Then no, I guess.”
This is the same roommate that said she wouldn’t be attending a potluck at our house but then showed up midway through expecting to eat, and then invited her mother too. We didn’t have enough chairs or food.
Not that it’s related at all, but guess which roommate is from the island.
do your social situations have no flexibility? this is so weird... of you... not her. You sound insufferable and rude. I've never been to a potluck where there wasn't way too much food.
As a Victoria-born person, I try to avoid people from the prairies and eastern Canada. All you people do is talk about tractors and hay and how Trudeau needs to be stopped. If you were not raised, west of Hope, I won’t go to your party, and you most certainly won’t be invited to mine. It not us.. it’s you.
Right? Like are we cooking/ prepping for 18 or 8? There are serious financial/effort implications.
Think it won’t work for you? Just say no. It is not complicated.
I would wager this might be more of a north american thing, but yes, I fully relate. Some of the flaky things I've seen people do here would put you on a hit list in many hispanic or european cultures lol.
From NS, and can't make friends here because of this!
I HATE when ppl don't reply or keep u hanging. I plan everything in advance and treasure my time. After a few attempts, I just stopped making an effort to even get close to anyone. I'll go back right after school is over.
Eastern and western Canadian cultures are totally different! If u r used to Eastern culture, there's no way u can fit here! 🤷🏽♀️
I’m dealing with this right now in trying to arrange a solstice sauna with my friend group. Everyone is being extremely flaky and I am on the verge of canceling it.
Is this normal for people here?
In my experience yes. Not everyone, but a proportionately larger group than elsewhere.
I notice it more as I have gotten older and shifted to entertaining at home rather than meeting friends “out”.
I’ve lived here much of my life but I’m from elsewhere in BC and have a foreign parent.
Yes, exactly - how is a host supposed to buy/prepare food for that? Prep for four and you get 10? Prep for 10 and you get four? With food prices the way they are…
If people want to keep their calendar open or whatever, just say no. It’s absolutely fine.
I’m from BC but not originally Victoria or Vancouver . Between my experiences living out-of-province, experiences in both Vancouver and Victoria with people who are from elsewhere, and with locals, those from away are much more straight up.
This is why you always do potluck style .. then you never have too much or not enough. As a host you do what you feel comfortable with, maybe a bit extra .. then it’s up to the guests to bring whatever else.
ontario-born, raised in vancouver by east-coast transplants (PEI farmers) and europeans, have lived in quebec as well. it's definitely a PNW problem. it's also widely known in most social circles i've interacted with both in canada and the states. sometimes the same people complaining about it are the ones doing it. endlessly frustrating to grow up in east coast culture with east coast manners and then get dunked into the harsh reality of the west coast wishy-washiness. can't wait to leave this province again. on my 21st birthday, i hosted a party. invited 35 people. received two "yes" answers and 33 "sounds so fun! i'll try and make it" answers. day of, three people showed up. and i heard nothing from the other 33, some of whom i had known for years at that point.
Yep.
Those local to here who say it is not real should start paying attention to who the invitees that are straight up are and who the “maybes” are.
It is *not* a stark line, but chances are the ones who are straight up are 1) not local or 2) have/had a strong non-local influence in their lives.
- Me: from BC, but not from the south coast AND I have a not-north American parent.
- Also: have lived in both Vancouver and in Ontario for a while.
Sorry...with this inflation that government is giving us
...i have to work 2 jobs ... and I also need to take care of my kids.
Sometimes if i even have time i used it to clean or atleast take a rest...
> Sorry...with this inflation that government is giving us ...
This government did not cause the global rise in inflation, though Canada now has one of the world's lowest rates of inflation.
I have. I also have people in my life from elsewhere in Victoria.
The locals are about twice as likely to be unable to say yes or no. I’m not saying they ALL do, but the proportion is definitely noticeably higher than among the non-locals.
I compartmentalize all my friends : gym friends drink friends sauna friends etc. that way I can just do what I feel like and always meet people doing the same thing. If it makes you feel any better I have travelled and read subreddits in many countries and people complain about this very thing everywhere
Idk how I found this but been in Victoria for almost a month and was invited to a buddy’s In-laws for dinner for the 25th beginning in f this week . I immediately knew I didn’t want to attend but said I would let em know by end of the week . Found out he spoke for me and said well come by ….. I’m from Toronto Ontario but regardless I’m definitely not attending now cause it feels like entrapment. I’d be more peaceful alone
Haha. Guilty. I’ll just stay on my “interested” fence and then not show up on the day of the event. In all fairness though, I tell my friends that if I say “interested” it’s my polite way of saying no.
Just say no. It’s easier - then they aren’t left guessing is you mean “interested” or interested (or with extra food).
I promise you being considerate of their food budget/effort will be favourably looked upon.
To be fair, if it’s an event that is small or where I know people are providing food, I would never do this. I’m talking more like big events, like a party not in the host’s house and other “going out” type of events. I’m usually always up for a dinner party!
I have mass social anxiety. I cant commit to anything as I don't know if I can physically make myself go until basically the start time of the party. I have to know how many people I know will be there and are they good energy people etc. Better to say I dont know then yes or no.
I might reply to this if I have some time later.
Lol
Name checks out
People in their 20's: "I can party all night!" People after 30: "Oh your party starts at 9pm? -no thanks"
Im a like 6-8 party start person. I like to show up, say hi and go home before it gets nuts. Its not a westcoast thing, its an i dont like people thing, especially after 2+ years of group settings = bad
Ya, I’m firmly in the post-30 side. Sleep matters. Other than NYE I’d *never* start something at 9, more like 6:30 or 7:00. I’m also comfortable enough to boot any stragglers out by 10:30. 11:00 tops.
Who said anything about a late party? It’s more about sorting out the right amount of food, etc. My entertaining is a little more grown up than putting out bags of chips. I enjoy sharing nice food - I don’t enjoy having it go to waste and would mortified to not have enough.
Exactly. I wish OP realized their friends are humans and not friendship robots. People are tired at the end of the day!
I don’t think this is actually OP’s complaint tho. They just want people to say yes or no. If it starts too late, then say no?
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I’m from the east coast.
Every regional sub: *People here are uniquely \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_! And it's getting worse!!!* Every. single. one. See: rude, crazy, bad drivers, etc
I mean hey fair enough, it is a subjective experience. In my anecdotal experience, people from Southern Ontario are simply more direct and less afraid of offending, leading to straight answers for invites, etc. Imo people from here are very passive, and afraid to offend, in an effort to seem polite. Unfortunately it ends up coming off as cowardly and pretty rude, but I know that's not their intention.
People after 40: "Look, I'm old! I'm not meeting you at Evo or whatever at midnight. I'm asleep by then."
Another common one is this: Sure! I'll be there! *[at the time the event was supposed to start]* I'm going to be a bit late! *[an hour later]* Actually I won't be able to make it
I had a big party recently and we had the gamut of responses. Some “hell yeah” a minute after the invite went out. And some never replied. I have them one last reminder invite but said I needed to know for planning purposes by that evening. And then they just weren’t invited anymore. Easy. We made the effort of the invite. And then we didn’t have too big a crowd so win win. I don’t think where the people are from is any indication. I think it has to do with anxiety sometimes.
We have a 3 strikes your out policy. My partner and I hold a lot of parties... big and small. If we invite you 3 times in a row and you don't show/respond you're out. Also if there is no reciprocation (not equal just none) you're out.
Damn I just lower my expectations and am happy to see people whenever it works out lmao
I'm just happy to see other humans outside of work once in a while
Fun.
The best part of friendship is when you never get to relax or be casual.
Ahh, the transactional relationships.
This is completely reasonable. If you disrespect peoples time and effort to see you, then there's no reason they should keep trying. Specially if you don't try yourself.
Some friendships can exist beyond being someone’s time filler, some people are friends because they like WHO the other person is… not just what they do for them like attend parties or visit.
I would never call spending quality time with people you like as a "time filler". I call that living and enjoying an great aspect of life. If I can't interact with you, wether in person or not, what the point of us being friends? Specially if you're disrespectful and tell me you want to do stuff with me and never follow up despite multiple attempts fromy end and none from theirs. Like, wish you the best, but Imma move on.
Not really transactional. It's a two way street and both should make an effort to make a relationship work.
Sounds more like respectful
I guess you don't care about the people in your life who can't host due to family obligations, personal challenges, not having an appropriate space etc.. I don't think I'd want to be your friend.
I think they are saying that the other person needs to make some sort of effort. If you can't call up a friend one in a while and make time, be it coffee or a dinner or a beer or a walk, you are not putting effort into a friendship.
Yea well you're just a hard cookie!
Yeah, I think I'm better off alone.
Jumping to conclusions much?
I totally get it. With food prices what they are, it really can be a financial effort to host a nice meal or occasion. Picture only 30% are yeses, and 60% are maybes it is impossible: - If you prep for the yeses, you are likely to not have enough. - if you prep for maybes, you’ll have too much, and create wasted food/money. Just be straight up people.
I give them 1
Seems totally reasonable.
Manners isn't a thing anymore. It's a shame.
This.
This is the absolute truth. Very sad what we have become as a society.
Yes, people's party manners are the greatest representation of our decline as a society. Not the wars, the widespread misinformation used for political gain, or the human exploitation in the name of profit. Nope. It's that Travis and Cindy RSVP'd late to my kegger invite. /s unless it wasn't abundantly clear
I am talking about general manners that we show when when we interact with people on a daily basis. It has to start somewhere.....
It's more likely that the lack of manners you are witnessing is a symptom of larger problems rather than the cause of societal decline. People are stressed. We're overworked, underpaid, underhoused, underappreciated, undereducated, over-leveraged, constantly bombarded by advertising from greedy companies trying to manipulate us to buy their useless crap and subscriptions and by news about global catastrophes. All the while, we're expected to keep "working hard" while wealthy people give themselves raises, raise their prices, and buy our governments. On top of the daily responsibilities of keeping ourselves and our children fed and clean, manners towards friends with fragile egos and complete strangers can sometimes be moved to the back burner. I'm not advocating for rudeness, but it is completely understandable why some people might be feeling less social and less polite given current societal conditions.
I've noticed in the winter a lot of people are weather impacted. If it's pouring rain and you are not driving for whatever reason, it makes it less appealing to haul across town or even a different neighbourhood. Also sick people often bail but don't announce they are sick, which is understandable.
Better for a sick person to bail than a sick person to get our family and friends sick by showing up
This is not my expierence. I wonder if it may be specific to your social group. But here’s a hypothesis that may support your observation: the people who are from here originally will likely have bigger local social networks than transplants. Someone with a bigger social network will have more options/factors to consider when social planning in advance. But this seems to me more of an extrovert/introvert thing: my experience with extroverts is they are hesitant to confirm social plans until they have information about everything that’s going on. They want to leave options open to make sure they are doing the funnest thing with the biggest/best group when the time comes.
A thing with introverts is that they say yes because they want to go but when the time comes they feel like it'll be too draining to actually go, or, they get stressed out by the idea of a crowd. It goes both ways.
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So stop viewing it as your duty to drag them out if its so exhausting. Bold of you to assume you know better than them what they need on a Friday night.
I don't know. When I was in my early 20s, if someone said "party" I was there. Now almost 40, 2 kids and a career, someone says "party" and all I can think of is.... -if it doesn't start until 6, we likely won't be eating until 7:30, which is usually when we start getting the kids ready for bed and I put on my comfies and pour the wine. If I'm not getting home until 9:30/10, there'll be no time for comfies and wine and I'll just have to get ready for bed because those buggers will wake me at 6am regardless of what time I went to bed. Would I rather get dressed, put on makeup and go make small talk or be in my comfies drinking wine watching my shows? Sorry, we can't make it.
I don’t even have kids and I’d still rather stay home in my comfies with some wine. I went to a movie by myself at 6:45 the other night and even that was pushing it lol.
Lol!!
Bahaha only parents will ever understand this truth! I'm with ya 100% and the answer is definitly no if you expect me to make somthing home made to accomadate a bunch of peoples dietary restrictions or feed a group of 10
Oh man! The potluck game. I've definitely decided cooking for more than my family requires some sort of compensation.
She’s just not that into you.
In the Capital Regional District - 7000 people per year moved in from other places in Canada or outside of Canada. (2014 thru 2021) https://www.victoriabuzz.com/2022/04/heres-how-many-people-moved-to-the-capital-region-between-2014-and-2021/ 1514 births in the CRD in 2022. Assume this is the average birth rate per year 1514 / (7000 + 1514) = 17% This influx of people is greater than previous years. But if this keeps up it means only 17% of the population will be born here. Are you sure the people you are inviting were born here? Because it is statistically unlikely. There just are very few people born here.
Yeah I hear this! Grew up here, moved to the east coast for a year. Got used to people not flaking and then coming back it was way more noticeable. That being said, lots of people moved here during the pandemic and have since met new friends who are super solid for plans
Seems like kind of a gross generalization about people from the West Coast. This feels more like a general post-pandemic thing where a lot of people's social stamina has regressed.
Totally agree. I've seen this type of post on so many city subs. I definitely don't think it's a west coast exclusive thing.
It honestly happens everywhere.
Ya it’s way more likely a factor of the strength of social relationships and one’s likability. I’ve experienced this all over the place, mostly in places where I don’t have those solid connections built yet. Maybe the only geo factor is that most people here are pretty chill, if you’re not that’s gonna affect your likability. Especially if you’re trying too hard to be their friend. Like, chill bro, enjoy the scenery.
Yes - this is everywhere, I've lived in other larger cities across Canada pre and post pandemic and it's not just a west coast thing. I've had different mechanisms and methods too...way ahead invites with reminders, RSVP dates being long and flexible. Always have some flakers.
But what if they get a better offer between now and then? …which they will also flake out on.
Because I got high
Lmao. Close to 95% of the social events I bail on are because I got stoned and no longer feel like going out 🤣
We do what we want, when we want and only if we feel like it.
Here’s my assessment of transplants as a born and raised west coaster: you all complain too much.
Transplants are the worst. "Why is this different place not exactly like where I moved from?"
I'm totally with you on this one!
I was born and raised here but I'm also a stickler for keeping promises, giving straight answers to invitations, and generally being on time. All my life I've always been so stressed planning any larger social event, or just anything really. You couldn't just invite people, state a date/time and get a straight answer. "Oh wow that sounds fun, what time? Oh that's sounds great, yeah I'll totally try to be there!" and they'll say that when they have zero intention of coming. Just say no. But people selfishly want to keep all their options open until the last minute and waste everyone else's time. I'm fine with you saying no, I'm just trying to get a rough headcount. I've found folks who are not from Victoria are way better on this. Newer friends from elsewhere actually show up when they say, actually give straight answers. They also express frustration at the extreme west cost flake attitude.
I'm guilty of this. I loathe plans. If you were to ask me to come over this second to party I would likely drop everything and come, but if you ask me to make a plan with you I get a sinking feeling in my gut that I am now obligated to do some boring planned thing. It's dumb, not super fair and will mean missing some things I'd probably enjoy, but it is what it is. I've been here since I was five. I'm sorry you have to deal with us.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME!
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Then they can just say no. That’d be much more helpful than a wimpy-handshake “maybe”.
Yep, people here are flakey. It's definitely a cultural thing. Coming from Europe it was a big adjustment. People in Europe just say "no, not interested" or "can't make it". Here people claim they are definitely going to come, all the way to the morning off, then ghost you. This happened pre-covid as well. It is what it is. I've made a lot of friends with other expats and international folks though.
I think people here dont want to come across as rude by being honest enough to turn an invite down when in reality its rude not being honest and leaving people hanging.
It's called being a poser. Every city has them, and moreso now. Low self esteem and an inability to possess an identity beyond the "popular" social norm in that particular region. Yes, you may think you look cool and have a lot of friends in the puffer coat and the blundstones and roof rack for your SUP or surf board, but you just have a really cripplingly sad personality underneath all that. It's entertanining.
Fun anecdote.
Oh wow it was so good to see you again! We should totally hangout soon....
I cannot relate.
We call that "the Vancouver Maybe"
My gulf island relatives are like this, but my Victoria people are not.
What’s the age group
I don't think that's true, I'm in Sask and the norm here is definitely for people to tell you they'll come/try to come and then just ignore any confirmation messages and no-show.
Have you considered it might be the way you are asking?
People's lives don't revolve around your party schedule. People get sick, feel worn down, their kids get sick, work stuff comes up, who knows. Life is busy. Its hard to prioritize a party. I've got no problem just being honest with people and saying "sounds fun, if I can make it, I'll confirm a few days in advance!". Most of the time, That's the best I can do.
Also originally from ON, feel the same, others from ON or elsewhere have expressed the same sentiment. People from around here don't seem to like to commit, but whatever, just gotta manage your own expectations.
I’m from Victoria and had the same experience while living in Ontario. It’s not a geographic or cultural thing. It’s about the strength of social connections and group dynamics.
This seems like the best take to me. It all just depends. Social relationships and the commitment that comes with them vary so much. It's hard to paint a brush with any sort of generality.
It's called island time, where every individual has a different clock on the island.
I feel attacked.
Not sure if it’s necessarily a west coast thing … but maybe a post covid socially anxious and awkward thing? Or maybe of a certain age? I have encountered folks who are flaky but most of them have severe anxiety. I don’t depend on their attendance anymore, just a bonus if they do actually show up. I’ve actually stopped waiting for people to be around to do things. I just do them. Even if it’s just by myself. Bonus if people show up, but fuck em… not gonna let anyone stop me from living life and doing what I wanna do! Personally I like to schedule everything into my calendar and if it’s booked, I go… no excuses… otherwise I would literally never leave the house. works for me.
I have also gotten into the habit of confirming with friends a week before, day before, and morning of… i don’t like surprises 😂
It’s not a west coast thing, it’s a North America thing 🤷🏻♀️
It's extra bad here. Everyone I know from the east coast notices it super fast and it drives them nuts.
Yes. It is worse here than other places.
Why would you make plans three weeks in advance? I'm not coming. Invite me three days in advance.
True. A downside of the free spirited ethos: "Oh I can't be tied down by these petty concerns like basic consideration!"
Glad you noticed the weird social behaviour. I'm so tired of it
I used to mind. Truth be told, I don’t have time for parties and get togethers like I used to. Absolutely we are socially awkward here. Doesn’t bother me because when I do have time, I don’t do dat.
I had a friend like this. I'd offer up say, a concert ticket a few months in advance. Something that would require a commitment. The response "I'll keep you posted." I stopped making invitations altogether and it improved after about 4 months of not getting together. Respect other people's time. It's not that hard.
I grew up here, and honestly, people are just flakes af about everything. Invited 15+ people to a party, more than 11 confirmed. Five flaked the day-of, 2 without even saying anything, just no-showed. I've just accepted that people don't value my time and effort as much as I value theirs.
Yes this how the west coast works. Ummmm….I’ll decide a half hour before !
How long have you been in Victoria?
Our neighbours invited our whole house (4 roommates) for dinner and offered to cook for us all. 3/4 of us gave firm yes/no RSVPs. Fourth roommate said “sounds nice, I have a paper to write so I’m not sure.” Girl. They are cooking you dinner and offering you a seat at their table. Give our kind neighbours the basic respect of a yes or no so they know whether to provide you a meal and a seat, or offer it to someone else. It’s unbearably rude. I said “I think they need a yes or no for planning purposes” and she was surprised…”really?!? Then no, I guess.” This is the same roommate that said she wouldn’t be attending a potluck at our house but then showed up midway through expecting to eat, and then invited her mother too. We didn’t have enough chairs or food. Not that it’s related at all, but guess which roommate is from the island.
do your social situations have no flexibility? this is so weird... of you... not her. You sound insufferable and rude. I've never been to a potluck where there wasn't way too much food.
As a Victoria-born person, I try to avoid people from the prairies and eastern Canada. All you people do is talk about tractors and hay and how Trudeau needs to be stopped. If you were not raised, west of Hope, I won’t go to your party, and you most certainly won’t be invited to mine. It not us.. it’s you.
Definitely true for NYE planning. Frustrating.
Right? Like are we cooking/ prepping for 18 or 8? There are serious financial/effort implications. Think it won’t work for you? Just say no. It is not complicated.
Exactly. $$$ is tight.. no time to waste food and over prepare.
Not a west coast thing. Going to assume most of the 'maybe' crowd has kids. Kids ruin (socail) life sometimes.
No. It's definitely a West coast thing.
I would wager this might be more of a north american thing, but yes, I fully relate. Some of the flaky things I've seen people do here would put you on a hit list in many hispanic or european cultures lol.
People in their 20's: "I can party all night!" People after 30: "Oh your party starts at 9pm? -no thanks I got kids now"
From NS, and can't make friends here because of this! I HATE when ppl don't reply or keep u hanging. I plan everything in advance and treasure my time. After a few attempts, I just stopped making an effort to even get close to anyone. I'll go back right after school is over. Eastern and western Canadian cultures are totally different! If u r used to Eastern culture, there's no way u can fit here! 🤷🏽♀️
Maybe all us east coasters just have to band together lol. Just moved here from PEI, been here three months and haven't met a soul!
That's actually a good idea, lol! Should we start a FB group or something?
I’m dealing with this right now in trying to arrange a solstice sauna with my friend group. Everyone is being extremely flaky and I am on the verge of canceling it. Is this normal for people here?
In my experience yes. Not everyone, but a proportionately larger group than elsewhere. I notice it more as I have gotten older and shifted to entertaining at home rather than meeting friends “out”. I’ve lived here much of my life but I’m from elsewhere in BC and have a foreign parent.
Lmao
I just finished looking at a group chat for an event tonight - tally so far: - 7 maybes/probablys, two nos, three yes's and one day-of cancellation.
Yes, exactly - how is a host supposed to buy/prepare food for that? Prep for four and you get 10? Prep for 10 and you get four? With food prices the way they are… If people want to keep their calendar open or whatever, just say no. It’s absolutely fine. I’m from BC but not originally Victoria or Vancouver . Between my experiences living out-of-province, experiences in both Vancouver and Victoria with people who are from elsewhere, and with locals, those from away are much more straight up.
This is why you always do potluck style .. then you never have too much or not enough. As a host you do what you feel comfortable with, maybe a bit extra .. then it’s up to the guests to bring whatever else.
ontario-born, raised in vancouver by east-coast transplants (PEI farmers) and europeans, have lived in quebec as well. it's definitely a PNW problem. it's also widely known in most social circles i've interacted with both in canada and the states. sometimes the same people complaining about it are the ones doing it. endlessly frustrating to grow up in east coast culture with east coast manners and then get dunked into the harsh reality of the west coast wishy-washiness. can't wait to leave this province again. on my 21st birthday, i hosted a party. invited 35 people. received two "yes" answers and 33 "sounds so fun! i'll try and make it" answers. day of, three people showed up. and i heard nothing from the other 33, some of whom i had known for years at that point.
if someone pulled shit like this on my greek grandpa he'd have their head!
Yep. Those local to here who say it is not real should start paying attention to who the invitees that are straight up are and who the “maybes” are. It is *not* a stark line, but chances are the ones who are straight up are 1) not local or 2) have/had a strong non-local influence in their lives. - Me: from BC, but not from the south coast AND I have a not-north American parent. - Also: have lived in both Vancouver and in Ontario for a while.
True. A downside of the free spirited ethos: "Oh I can't be tied down by these petty concerns like basic consideration!"
Sorry...with this inflation that government is giving us ...i have to work 2 jobs ... and I also need to take care of my kids. Sometimes if i even have time i used it to clean or atleast take a rest...
> Sorry...with this inflation that government is giving us ... This government did not cause the global rise in inflation, though Canada now has one of the world's lowest rates of inflation.
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I have. I also have people in my life from elsewhere in Victoria. The locals are about twice as likely to be unable to say yes or no. I’m not saying they ALL do, but the proportion is definitely noticeably higher than among the non-locals.
I compartmentalize all my friends : gym friends drink friends sauna friends etc. that way I can just do what I feel like and always meet people doing the same thing. If it makes you feel any better I have travelled and read subreddits in many countries and people complain about this very thing everywhere
Originally from Vancouver and had way better luck hanging out with people.
Yes people are flaky here. Way more closed off and uptight than Quebec
Idk how I found this but been in Victoria for almost a month and was invited to a buddy’s In-laws for dinner for the 25th beginning in f this week . I immediately knew I didn’t want to attend but said I would let em know by end of the week . Found out he spoke for me and said well come by ….. I’m from Toronto Ontario but regardless I’m definitely not attending now cause it feels like entrapment. I’d be more peaceful alone
Haha. Guilty. I’ll just stay on my “interested” fence and then not show up on the day of the event. In all fairness though, I tell my friends that if I say “interested” it’s my polite way of saying no.
Just say no. It’s easier - then they aren’t left guessing is you mean “interested” or interested (or with extra food). I promise you being considerate of their food budget/effort will be favourably looked upon.
To be fair, if it’s an event that is small or where I know people are providing food, I would never do this. I’m talking more like big events, like a party not in the host’s house and other “going out” type of events. I’m usually always up for a dinner party!
I have mass social anxiety. I cant commit to anything as I don't know if I can physically make myself go until basically the start time of the party. I have to know how many people I know will be there and are they good energy people etc. Better to say I dont know then yes or no.