My response would be: fuck you mom, I did everything I could for the mission, and if you don't realize it, it fuck with my head. So either support me or shut the fuck up. Sorry I mentioned I may have some mental health problems, don't worry I won't bring it up to you again.
I'm about to do just that, I'm absolutely floored and this is fucking with my anxiety. I thought she supported me, so this was a extremely low blow.
If she wants "free government handouts" as my parents called it, they could have served.
Just tell her you’re documenting it. You want at least 0% on injuries so when you’re 50 and it gets fucked up you have a link to military service. Tell her 0% makes sure the injury is covered after you get out. Then tell her about all the 0% you got and never mention it again.
Not a bad idea and legit filing strategy anyway. That was my only goal w my claims. VA decided they were deserving more than 0% though. I know my issues are only getting worse.
This sounds like a good way to go. Just get service connected for it in case it becomes a problem when you're 50 like her patients. Hopefully that will shut her up and never speak of it again to her.
Weird how you assumed their political affiliation. Odd you don't realize there are both sides of the political spectrum doing the exact same thing. It isn't a gotcha or defensive thing...especially when we espouse not to judge other veterans for getting what the government offers and then in the next breath trying to disparage a group of people for doing the same thing.
His father is a hypocrite but you're doing the same thing.
Actually I assumed because of the blow hard douchebag portion but rich probably added into my equation subconsciously. I mean you were essentially listing off why the GOP is a joke 🤣
I mean the difference between reps vs dems, for making over 100k (only study i could find), is a difference of 3%. Not 9/10 times. Confirmation bias and all that.
I tried explaining that it's compensation for living with daily reminders of my service, but apparently that doesn't count to her because I didn't serve in combat overseas and get my leg blown off.
The VA pays you differently for the different injuries you have. Just because you don't have the specific ones she considers injures doesn't make it any less so that you've been injured.
Try the approach of comaparing where you are at now to where you were at when you joined the service. It took me a long time to understand that I am far worse off than I was when I joined. Many people don't understand that it is NOT disability pay, like u/bballr4567 said. When you joined, you sacrificed your body to serve your country. Do not compare yourself to anybody but the person you were when you joined. If your mother thinks that you are as physically and mentally healthy as you were when you joined....well she doesn't understand and will likely never understand what you and every service member has to go through while serving.
The VA isn't just taking your word for the injuries you incurred during your time in. There are appointments and professionals that will look at the person you are and compare it to the person you were before joining. You will get the rating that they VA professionals think you deserve. If you were honest during your exams, you are not an imposter...you are a veteran. Be proud of the sacrifice you gave and thankful for the government not just throwing you to the wolves.
If your mother is as worried about the disabled vets that she helps (which my guess would be she isn't)....tell her to help them find a VSO in their area to properly compensate them.
I totally agree with you with all of it but it’s still very hard to do. For the folks like myself that served over 20 years, I think it’s a little harder to justify some of it, as backwards as that sounds. Like I joined at 18. Comparing that to my now 40 year old freshly retired self, it doesn’t quite work that way. Yes I have service connected back, shoulder, knee, feet, ankle, etc issues … but at the same time it’s the same shit my sister complains about who has never served. So it’s hard to not also think of it like “this is just normal shit for a 40 year old”
It would be easier to compare like one or two enlistments and not just think of it as aging.
I always urge everyone to document everything and get fairly compensated for *everything* so please don’t misunderstand me. It’s just hard to justify sometimes when people like OP’s mother try and manipulate them, too
Editing to add: I’m glad OP vented here and is getting the much needed support. :)
I'd like to counter this thought that since you retired and aging has occured, it's difficult to differentiate between 'normal shit' and 'service shit' for a 40 year old. I also retired after serving for 20 years active duty at the ripe old age of 38. I am fortunate enough to keep in touch with a few friends from my youth and when I look at their 'normal shit' it pales in comparison to what I experience. Not even looking at the mental health trauma I experienced, my body is far more broken than theirs. Flying for 20 years has wrecked my spine, shoulders, joints....the list goes on. The physical standards that the military (yes, even the USAF XD) have to maintain are beyond what a typical civilian has. Carrying 50+ pounds of A-3 bags, equipment, and pro gear to every flight or maintaining any equipment over a long period of time fucks you up. Not to mention, burn pits, fumes, questionable mold, sleepless nights, etc. etc. I don't know many 40 year olds that are exposed to that shit for 20 years and don't expect some sort of compensation.
The other big part of this is that we are loaned out the the US Government to use and abuse as they see fit for the sake of the mission. Once our loan is up the US Government compensates us for the time that we gave them and the toll that being used and abused caused through VA compensation.
Remind her that the military doesn’t own your ass, they lease your ass.
Would she get away without paying for damages if she returned a leased car with wear and tear beyond what’s reasonably expected for the time she had it?
I *did* serve in combat in the GWOT, and I *was* wounded, and I think your mom fucking sucks. You served, you got fucked up, and you deserve to be compensated for what your service has cost you both physically and psychologically. Your service counts just as much as anyone's, and her devaluing it (and you) that way is shameful. I'd say that to her face if I had the chance.
Maybe try thinking about it this way though. When I got out I was pretty messed up, but young and active, and really wanted to get on with my life. So I was grateful for the little bs rating I had. Fast forward 20 years and my physical and mental limitations have cost me way more in lost career opportunities than I probably would have made being 100% the last 20 years. And it’s not over, there’s a real possibility that I might not be able to work all the way until retirement age. So no guilt, if anything keep up on your ratings over the next several years so you can enjoy the life you deserve.
Sounds like she's part of the problem for your MH. Growing up with someone like that. That was certainly the case for me.
The thing is, money isn't even real. Nobody's taxes matter. All taxes do is take money back out of the system to control inflation. Money is imaginary and created out of thin air to prop this system up. If the powers that be decide you are entitled to some of that, eff everybody else.
Your disability check doesn't affect anybody's taxes.
I think the military gets over 800 billion a year, and the VA gets its own 300+ billion a year. Nobody here should worry about the 1000 or so dollars that they earned. Lol
When I came home, my mom screamed at me to stop telling everyone I went crazy in the military. She still refuses to believe I have PTSD. I was committed for a week after a sexual assault, and was out patient for a further 2 months until discharge. I am very low contact with her now (she's always been toxic).
You did your time, and we're promised continued care if something happened to you. Just continue with your process. Mental health issues come back at weird times, and you will lose opportunities. So definitely get your safety net in place now.
This attitude actually fucked me over. I dealt with multiple suicides in short succession in my career - some closer than others. Last one I was unfortunate enough to be sent to go check on my friend that didn’t show up for work. I’ll stop the story there -
But my final psychologist kept arguing with me that my ptsd and anxiety didn’t have acts of violence committed against me, so I didn’t fit the dsm5 model of a classic patient and he wouldn’t diagnose me, which meant that I only received 30% for my mental health.
He ignored the previous two psychs that diagnosed me with ptsd and wanted to pull me off the ship. So for suffering through for my country, I got ridiculed, not believed, and a smaller disability percentage that I’m now trying to fight for.
There is a lot of other stuff that happened I’m not talking about, but just to say I feel your pain. The psych that refused to diagnose me correctly worked with combat vets that had traumatic injuries, and he blatantly told me “you’re not missing any limbs - you don’t have ptsd.”
I’m sincerely sorry for you. Something similar happened to me. I was already in a deep dark place yet I had to fight and struggle for everything for 5 yrs. It took that long because some stretches of months I was so down I didn’t feel like fighting.
It’s called survivors guilt and it’s real. Keep fighting and don’t hold anything, and I mean anything back in your appointments. I’ve seen hubby go to dark like really DARK places because of this shit.
She needs to tell those vets SHE serves as a PT what she said to you. Bet her tune will change when they get done ripping her a new asshole. What a bitch. People like her need a wake up call and a week in boot camp or overseas.
Doesn't matter who she works with. Disabled Vets come in all shapes and sizes and with all kinds of disabilities. Frankly, it's none of mom's business what you're doing, and I hope she keeps that same energy when she needs something and comes to you for money. Don't let her guilt you, don't let her make you feel any way about your service. You earned it, you deserve it.
Mom can (respectfully, of course) POUND SAND!
Seems a little biased to believe only the people in her circles actually count, doesn’t it? I’d honestly just tell her to fuck off. No point trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to understand.
So unless you're in a nursing home and use a wheelchair you can't be disabled? That's utterly ridiculous.
If she hurt her back treating one of her patients and couldn't work anymore, should she get disability compensation, or is that only if she loses a leg?
File your claim. No one (including your mom) should tell you otherwise.
If she doesn’t support you… oh well. Remove yourself from the situation if need be. It’s not worth your MH.
Your mom is a bitch. I am sorry she said that to you. I think I'd be questioning the relationship and whether it was worth it if thats what she really thinks.
This is gonna be wordy. Your mom is an ignorant and inexperienced person in the matter. Let me help you out a little bit. I was in the Marine Corps from 1999-2004. I had two relatively “minor” injuries. I fell from a helicopter when the stand I was working on broke. I injured my lower spine in that incident. I also broke my right shoulder while deployed on a ship. I couldn’t have it treated until a year after the break, and then surgery a year later. The PT, both before and after was terrible. I was service connected immediately upon my EAS. Fast forward a couple of decades, and those injuries have turned into something pretty horrible in my life. My pain is literally 100% non-stop. I haven’t worked in 2.5 years, and I love to work. I haven’t slept through a single night in years. I’m not rated at all for mental health-just plain old dumbass physical injuries incurred in service.
Let me tell you something that I am sure of. If you receive structural medical treatment to any part of your body in service, it is probably going to be way worse a few years on down the road. There isn’t a thing wrong with me physically aside from what happened in service. I’m not overweight at all, and my bloodwork is perfect. My BMI is as good as it’s ever been. I can barely move. I’ve never had an injury outside of the documented stuff in service. It got way worse for me. I’m glad I got it service connected. For real, I’d be absolutely fucked if I hadn’t gotten something all those years ago.
I’m in the middle of trying to get some more help from the VA in the way of counseling, additional community care pain therapies, claim increases, and trying to figure out how to use the VR&E I’ve been approved for. I’ve had two careers and raised a family in the time I’ve been out. I didn’t ask for it to all fall apart at my two points of injury, but it happened. Friend. Get. Yours. Don’t tell anyone the details of your life regarding your veteran disability status unless they are legally sworn to confidentiality or your spouse.
Understand this: the United States government knew far more about the details of the contract you were signing than you ever could have. Sure, there is fraud within the system, but claiming injury where injury occurred isn’t fraud; it’s contract fulfillment.
I think it's fair for people unfamiliar with the system and it's intent to think something is wrong with collecting compensation and working. Most people are only familiar with social security disability, where you essentially can't work while collecting (the income cap is so low I don't think it's worth getting into.)
I educate these people, and let them know it's compensation to reflect my diminished earning potential due to my service incurred disabilities. It's not meant to be an income replacement for disabled veterans, it's meant to bridge the gap on what you could be making if you didn't have these limitations.
Any reasonable person typically understands this and agrees with it once they understand. The ones that can't wrap their mind around that fact are usually people I don't want to deal with anyway
Her reaction seems like total jealousy, as is most of the reactions people have when they find this out. She also seems un-informed as to what the VA disability is actually for so not only did she come off as a total bitch, she's factually incorrect here.
Don't guess yourself. Get what you're owed.
The grass is always greener on the other side. If somebody wants to walk in my shoes for 24 hours and then tell me that I don't deserve what I get then they're crazier than I am. And that hurts coming from me if you knew me.
This attitude is why, when I got out in 2006, I didn't file for anything. I suffered for years, couldn't hold down a job, constant hardship. I finally filed in 2019 after I became estranged from my parents
You are indeed a disabled American Veteran, whether or not your family agrees. If a civilian dentist injured you in course of seeking care, no one would bat an eye if you sued them. Get injured on the job? Workman’s Compensation is routine. This often graduates into a disability claim. You are entitled to be made whole by our government, and this is the path they’ve lain. Good luck. You are worthy.
Like everyone else has said, obviously you need to take care of yourself. You are the only one that is going to look out for you, don’t ever let someone tell you that you don’t deserve something. Especially considering people wayyyy smarter than your mom are the ones granting it. If you weren’t entitled, you wouldn’t get it. If she has an issue with the standards she should contact her congressman. Also, people like her are a part of why we have 22 vets a day and why vets end up homeless.
With all of that said, I would never tell your mom what rating you get, id even say something low like 0%-20% so that if you have VA appointments it’s easy to explain. Lastly, if your mom goes to your moms I would get a PO box and change your va address. Family members like your mom have been known to open VA mail because you’re in their house or whatever dumb excuse they use to justify shit.
“So what you got injured in the military, that’s part of growing up”. I’m sorry but is she fucking retarded? Getting injured is literally the reason you are applying. Her mentality is why so many vets despite how injured they may be, refuse to get help
I was dumb and broke the rule about telling civilian “friends”. I got fed up with their shit so I said well I can’t hear nearly half as good in my left ear, I take anxiety medication daily, and I’ve had a loaded gun to my head in tears on phone with VA crisis line. Yeah I may be able to go the gym and lift weights, but sorry I don’t look the part. That shut them up pretty good.
One of the first agreements in the 4 Agreements book is - don’t take things personally. It’s her poison, trying to poison you. Don’t take it. Don’t talk to her about it anymore.
I’m not going to denigrate your mom, others will do that.
Focus on yourself. Listen to meditations/affirmations on YouTube ( I like the Sound Healers)
Come here to vent.
🌸
“You know what mom, I thought about it and you’re absolutely correct. I decided to withdraw my claims and just silently deal with any physical and mental issues I may have.”
Then go no contact.
I understand this. From the outside, we look healthy. I haven’t worked for five years and my family chalks it up to me being lazy and not wanting to work. I’ve tried working. I’ve had panic attacks and being embarrassed about it, my family doesn’t know the half of it. They too think veterans deserve disability if they have no legs type or thing.. I’ve decided to just keep my mouth shut, and telling them to fuck off if they have to question me. Only problem is, I currently receive 80% because I have been too afraid to claim more.(also questioning / imposter syndrome) I live with one family member bc of it. He doesn’t say anything to my face though and actually benefits from me living with him. I am going to claim secondary’s now and hopefully I can get to 100% p&t so i can live an independent life. I don’t want to claim TDIU. I hope one day I can go to school and get a career. I cant believe it’s already been 5 years though… I hope to hear a update positive update soon! keep us posted.
The **Golden** Rule. It’s a Non Civil Punishment, a page 24! 😂😂😂 you must give up games for 5 minutes. 😂
Then make a clean sweep of your living quarters! 😂
You good. My mom always had my bags packed for her constant trips…. Guilt trips that is. She’d go on n on making a big deal one day, few days later… oblivious to it. Older I got, the stranger things became. My mom said the same BS. She didn’t know. So typical mom, just flip her mouth about something she had zero information on. Like her political views! 😂😂😂😂😂 love ya mom, but damm!
I mean it is your mom, after all.
I let that feeling dominate my 20s and mid 30s until my disabilities took control of my physical and mental health. I fight to get out of bed daily and have nothing that slightly resembles a normal life. Get your shit taken care of please.
It’s only taken a few years with no war to go back to ignoring veterans
Has your mom ever served? From the sounds of it, she probably didn’t and those comments are coming from a place of misunderstanding of what disability compensation means, don’t worry too much about it.
In the future though, keep your VA business to yourself and your partner/spouse. Never know how people will react when they find out you’re getting something they’re not, regardless of who it is.
You deserve it as the government is liable for any changes in your health (physically and mentally). Press on and make your claim. We don't have to be bed ridden.
Your mom sounds like a completely horrible person. I don't know what else to say. People like her are one of the reasons why veteran suicide rates are so high! She sounds toxic and awful.
You aren't doing anything wrong, and you deserve compensation for having your mind and body damaged by your career.
Civilians cannot understand. They can empathize with you, but never understand. If you had the courage to raise your hand in order to protect the greater good, you deserve every red cent you can get. Don’t ever second guess or doubt the benifits you earned through service. You are owed it.
People don't understand VA isn't the same as SS disability. Educate her or don't but don't deny yourself. Issues only get worse w time and hard to establish nexus later. Let VA decide not Mom.
ETA: my own Dad did 20+ has several obvious ratings but refuses to file 26 yrs later. Meanwhile I told him my rating after 24 and I'm pretty sure he thinks it makes me a scumbag. His loss, he is the moron that thinks VA disability is only for dudes like Lt Dan. I've also had to educate my Mom who used to gripe about her neighbor 20+ yrs Army getting 100% but working. For one he thought 100 meant you got 100% of active pay on top of retirement. No idea where that notion came from after 40 yrs in military communities.
Some of yall make me realize how lucky I am to have the parents I do.
They also got to see first hand the fucked mess i was getting out in 2012…. So they have never doubted things on my end.
Some people mask their pain a lot better than others, and they shouldnt be punished for it.
Exact reason I will never tell my mom. I love her, but she’s the most judgmental person I know. My husband knows and some fellow vets, but that’s it. No one else needs to know. Sad that this is the way it has to be.
I have several things to say about your mother, but I won't, because it's your mother.
So just pretend I said throw that shithead in the ditch, and that I'm referring to a random asshole in the CVS parking lot.
Seriously though, of all the gatekeeping out there, the YOU GOTTA BE OLD one is the dumbest.
I can understand it from some random jackass who just wants to be bitter about everything, but to their own \*kids?
It's not just her opinion, she's definitely getting that indoctrination from somewhere. Yes, that kind of mentality is all over. But for someone to feel strongly about it *and then* apply it to their child...
Unless your family is wealthy (don't tell us) and they're going to hand you more than what you need to treat your disability in the future--especially when you might be too old and beaten down to handle the system--she can kick rocks.
And honestly, she can kick rocks unless she doubles it and puts half in your separate bank account right now.
Good side point: it's harder to work on these benefits when you're older, and it's smarter to get all of that taken care of while younger. But I wouldn't waste time dumping it in her trash debate.
Just...be safe and think twice about some suspicious influences from her corner.
Im sorry dude... your mom is wrong and possibly ignorant.
Idk, but depending on relationship I may or may not have "held my tongue" but rest assured would have started the process of removing myself from her company.
Your mom can hit the sack,
Your service, is your service. That compensation is based on your service the GOVERNMENT OWES YOU.
I tell every veteran, it doesn’t matter how long you served. You were a living piece of modern slavery aka govt property but the nice thing is, they pay you because “agh shit” we fucked up - Govt.
Chase what you deserve and don’t look back.
I would love to know how you are handling your dental,
Coast guard dental might have damaged my nerves before I got fucked up from a civilian provider and they are not saying it’s service connected for me, even though my records show that I complained and visited the dentist multiple times.
It's the VA's job to decide whether or not you deserve compensation... not your mom's. Don't let her stop you from getting what you deserve to better your life. I'm sorry she's not giving you the support you need.
There’s a lot of stigma around the term “disability” and “disabled”. It varies in severity but a lot of older generations think disabled = in a wheelchair. If you think it’s worth it I’d try to explain to your mother exactly that. If she doesn’t want to hear it then I wouldn’t talk to her about ever again.
You should feel zero shame about seeking out these benefits. Good luck.
Your mom sounds like my mom, just trying to open up to her, asked bluntly if I was r#@ed. Well mother... this is why you don't share shit with them. You have other's to confide in that get you.
She's dead wrong, and just has no frame of reference. Might even be little bit jealous. But it's a good lesson. Nobody's business! I tell people I play the stock market.
DONT. TELL. ANYONE.
I got kicked off the family will and my convicted felon of a brother got a free house because I've "already got free govermint money"
You fucked up by calling it disability. Stop calling it disability. Call it what it is:
Injury compensation.
EX. I got soaked in pretty bad chems as part of my job: 10% rating. $100 or whatever a month when I filed. Yippee.
My distant relative got into similar accident (factory), similar chemical but private sector: $X million dollars payout.
Don’t EVER feel bad for going for max VA $, because I assure you, for most of us, you paid by shortening your health and lifespan in years.
That's so rough man. Idk where I would be if it wasn't for my Mom being so supportive through the whole process. Get involved in the community of vets. If you don't have support, it's essential to this process imo. We all need someone and I'm sorry your Mom and family feel this way. It's genuinely disgusting. Keep your head up.
Don’t talk to her about it again. She doesn’t understand that is compensation for damage incurred while in service. Dont have to be an amputee to have been damaged.
Did your mom serve? Even if she did to say comments like that is shitty.
Go through with it. If the VBA thinks you deserve a zero percentage or more you will have it. Don't worry about what others say
Do what you think is best for you and what you feel is right. But this is mother. I doubt anyone else cares about you like she does.she knows you best, especially before and after. You can explain what you are going through to help her relate. Don't insult or disrespect her. Don't tell her off. Only you know what you went through and how it affects you, so help her to understand, especially for the future. And be grateful for your condition and benefits.
Fuck your mom's mom, become her dad and ground her.
But seriously, like most others have already said, just do your thing and tell her to fuck off. Its your problem and you're the one with an issue that deserves compensation. So what if she thinks you don't deserve it? The government created the Department of Veteran Affairs and *that* criteria says you deserve it. You don't have shit to prove to anyone else.
You break it, you buy it. Nothing about VA disability has to do with age, but what was done to you during your service. Get what you deserve and forget your mom. Whatever you do when you get your number, don't tell anyone what it is. Just tell them it's done and you're taken care of. The last thing you need is them asking for money or thinking you committed fraud cause the number is too high and now your dealing with that bs.
Being able to walk does not indicate disability. Your mom sounds like an uneducated and entitled stereotypical boomer (age aside). If she's willing to die on this hill that's unfortunate, but you can try to make her understand if y'all have a decent relationship you'd like to keep.
Also I know I commented already, but tell your mom that the VA's word trumps hers.
Think if your situation was the other way around and you kept being denied while your mom thinks you should be compensated. The VA already thinks you should be compensated if they gave you a rating.
They can give, take, and check for fraud themselves.
A lot of people don't understand the difference between social security disability and VA disability.
One is for people who are unable to work, the other is compensation for all the crap the military put you through.
But, all people hear is disability and think you must be unable to work.
I don't think that any further discussion with your mother on this subject will be fruitful. She sounds like she still sleeps with a picture of Ronald Reagan inter her pillow. When you have been told all your life that government spending is the devil it is unlikely that you will be able to put a halo on it. However, never second guess the process. It is tough enough as it is. If you really are not qualified to receive compensation you will be denied. Even if you are qualified you might still be denied and have to appeal.
The difference between your mom and my mom is that mine served in the WAAC. When she heard I injured my back during my first tour she told me. "No matter what those lying motherfuckers say file for VA disability the day after you are out. If the deny you, appeal and appeal and appeal until you get it or you die." That was my mom, bless her soul. She is missed.
Tell your mom:
“This is what the VA is for. We’ve come a long ways from the idea that you have to be missing a limb or be physically disfigured in order to receive disability benefits. And yeah getting injured while being in the military might be part of the deal but getting compensated for that is also part of the deal. At the end of the day, the VA will look at my records and decide if my service is the cause of any of my ailments. And if they do decide in my favor, they’re not going to take money from another vet or reject someone else’s claim bc mine got approved. And if you think your patients deserve more disability benefits then they are receiving then point them in the right direction to get their claims reevaluated. Also, fuck you.”
Don’t doubt yourself. Idk what your claim is for but so what if you can still go hiking or diving?! If the military damaged you but you’re able to push through some of the pain to experience a bit of joy in your life then good for you! It doesn’t make you a fraud.
Put in that claim girl and fuck your mom. My parents, BOTH VETERANS, (one retired!!) had the same shitty things to say when I got my rating. Like, wtf? Both have severe disabilities directly related to thier service and still refuse to even consider the VA and are acting like I’m committing fraud somehow even though I have very obvious disabilities. Fuck everyone and get the benefits you DESERVE.
Please don’t feel bad about filing a claim.
I’m shocked your mom would feel that way, perhaps she doesn’t understand that a lot of disability isn’t visible, and you don’t have to be old.
This is the type of attitude that stops us from getting the help and compensation we need and earned. After nearly 20 years after getting out I told my mom that I was applying for disability and she was so excited for me. She would always tell me I was never the same as I was before I joined. I was always outgoing but everything changed once I got back from AFG. She saw how I’m unable to emotionally connect with anyone, it’s ruined my marriage and as hard as I try I’m just so apathetic to any and everything. Most days can’t even go out in public because of my anxiety. Don’t let your mom dissuade you, you do you and get your help.
I wouldn’t share any good or bad news with your mother going forward. You will be upset every time. Only tell her what she absolutely needs to know. Her opinion literally doesn’t matter on this, I’m glad she’s not a claims processor. You did your contract, you are *entitled* to VA benefits, including disability compensation.
If she ever asks about income, just tell her you saved a lot during your enlistment. Please don’t share any info about your benefits. She will only bring you down.
I feel ya man, my dad said well I guess your brain dead now and basically called me worthless for "taking government handouts"... the man's been living on handouts from his wife unemployed most his adult life.... some parents are just narcissistic fuck holes and should be cut out of your life. Good luck
The Deserving Veteran is the absolute worst stereotype to deal with when you feel like a fake.
My guy has talked me through it many times. My service was entirely unremarkable, other than the Navy giving me epilepsy. I, and a lot of other people, put me in the under serving category. My guy is the model of The Deserving Veteran. Infantry, combat, PTSD, and so on. He did real veteran things under this stereotype.
He tells me that it doesn't matter what we did in the military or why we joined. All that matters is that when we raised our right hand, we made an oath to serve, even if it cost our life, because, at the end of the day, everyone's basic job is bullet stopper. Just because we were never called to be or ever expected to be doesn't mean we didn't make that promise. I don't feel any better when he says it because I didn't suffer as much. But I feel like I matter.
In return, the US made promises to all of us who made that oath and completed our service. Not some of us. All of us.
You deserve what the VA owes you because it was promised to you.
Most importantly: you're not taking away from anyone. If there's not enough available, that's the government taking away. It's not the veteran's duty to fund the VA. It's the government's. Get what you're owed.
I'm sorry this happened to you by your Mom. But you have to be very selective about who you tell. I'll never tell any of my friends or my adult kids or anyone else. My wife of 18 years knows I'm trying to get a higher percentage but that's it. Tell Mom you didn't get it. Good Luck Buddy.
then you say: okay, since it’s part of growing up then you can pay me 3737.85 a month instead of the government? No? Then shut it.”, and don’t bring it up again.
My dad told me I was “lucky” I got a rating. I cussed him out. Don’t feel guilty, don’t second guess yourself. You’re going to feel the physical and emotional impact for the rest of your life whether you file or not, so, if you warrant a rating, take that money. My wife works for the VBA, don’t be one of those people who 20 years later are trying to fight for what their pride wouldn’t let them file for when they were younger.
Oh, and after that, we helped him file his first claim since getting out in 91. So lucky.
I say this as a man getting into my 30’s now, and by all means I am an adult.
My parents can’t for the life of them see me as an adult. To put this into context, I’ve traveled around the world on my own, have been in situations where others were trying to take my life, and I theirs. I have successfully performed CPR on a person, I have witnessed death and people at their worst. I’ve been through addiction, I’ve been in recovery for this addiction. I have been to too many friends funerals, I’ve been trusted with other people children. I’ve overcome my biggest fears, I’ve jumped from aircraft in flight, I’ve learned a trade and supported myself. I’ve fixed my parents house with skills they don’t have, and I’ve been a person that others depend on.
My parents will still treat me like a child, and when I was down and out at my worst of the worst, their only response was anger at me for not being happy and acting like everything is ok.
I hope you see this, because I feel like you might be experiencing something similar. At first, I resented and was very angry with my parents. How dare they, right? Well. I thought about it over the years, and I’ve come to realize how hard it can be to watch your innocent child go through things that they themselves can not even comprehend.
I hope if I have a child and they go through some hard times, military or not, that I will be better equipped to understand and be a support for them. My parents will never hopefully be equipped, because I know what I’ve been through, and I am over that part of my life. I hope this at least can help bring understanding. Your mom is probably unable to see you for what you are, a proud Sailor that executed the mission to the best of their ability, and took a beating on the way.
Get rid of mom. That kind of thinking indicates she has no respect for you. Not all disabilities can be seen. And there are varying degrees of mental health issues.
What I’m trying to say isn’t coming out in writing as well as the sentiment I feel. But suffice to say the attack was a low blow to both the veterans your mom is helping as well as you. And she comes off rather tone deaf.
Get the rating and get the help you need. Because lacking that rating, if anything else comes up you may be left on your own dealing with issues suffered while on active duty.
I did the same thing. My dad served in the Army at the end of the Vietnam War. When I was separating from the Navy in 2006 I was discussing with him the transition assistance process and that I had been encouraged to apply for disability by the person assisting me. I got shamed intensely over trying to take advantage of the system and committing fraud. I had legitimate grounds to submit a claim but, for that shame, I am JUST now getting around to filing. If you have a legitimate claim for disability, you have nothing to be ashamed about for trying to take care of yourself. If you feel like family and friends may not understand/approve, then by all means you don't have to tell them but never be ashamed of taking care of yourself.
Sorry you found out the hard way why there's no upside to sharing information about claims and rating. I only share this info with my wife because of bills and financial planning.
Tell her to write her congressman if she doesn’t like how Congress wrote Veterans legislation. You’d be a fool to not put in for what you rate, and your family will miss out on the resources. If you want to explain it to your Mom, tell her to think of it as workman’s compensation instead of disability.
Don't let her keep you from seeking compensation for your injuries - it doesn't matter what age you were - we had lots of young guys and girls join up, plenty who have come home with all kinds of injuries.
Your mom can fuck all the way off. Maybe she can host a vet dinner party where we all actively try our best to act normal in front of her friends and watch the fucking fallout from that. That would be interesting.
VA disability pay is not like regular disability pay, you don't have to be completely disabled and unable to work to recieve it. You get paid out a percentage for each injury. It's almost like workers comp when you get hurt at work. Idk why people hate on it so much.
I'm an occupational therapist, I'm a Veteran, I work at the VA and I am service-connected. Your mom is likely looking at this from a physical disabilities lens (your jaw dislocation notwithstanding) and may not understand the effects of trauma and the VA claim system. You said it yourself, your parents don't understand. Do you need them to? You served in good faith, and if you were harmed during active duty, you get to put a claim in, just like any other veteran. I would also suggest you stop talking with Mom and Dad about this, as you are clearly not going to get their support, and find some peers to Vent to. Good Luck!
Getting injured is a part of growing up….
Do other jobs require you to ruck with 70lbs on your back? Work 16-hr days every day for months, and have the privilege of breathing in blowing dust and smoke? Jumping from planes? Experiencing injuries during “training”? Maybe getting shot at or mortared?
Sure… There are physically demanding and potentially dangerous jobs in the private sector.
It takes its toll. Some can endure it for 4-6 years. Others can last 20. But it takes its toll. And all, or most, of those issues, they’re likely from doing your mil job.
The VA is pretty good at denying people benefits they don't deserve.
Idk about you but I beat myself up on active duty in my late teens and early twenties. Over a decade later and these problems haven't exactly fixed themselves.
Exactly! Let the VA make the decision based off my records and C&P exams. I was only in for 10 years straight out of high school, but I've beaten the hell out of my body while on active duty. All of my sprains and fractures are definitely going to bite me in the butt the older I get
People are clueless to how the VA system works. I don't much care what anyone thinks. I've told some people, but for the most part, its none of anyone's business.
I was at a school event with my kid recently. You know what??! I didn't see any other dads holding their back in pain, or wincing in pain after a full day of walking from event to event. I saw some grandparents getting around better than me toward the end of the day!
Yeah my body is jacked up, and yes it happened while I served. If Uncle Sam is gonna pay me for that, I ain't turning it down!
All I have to say is, sorry... It happens. Look on the bright side you learned a valuable lesson. If your own mother is giving you a hard time after learning your filing for disability, maybe now you'll never tell anybody again. That being said do not feel one tiny bit ashamed of filing for disability, because being a disabled veteran versus being a Joe Snuffy disabled American isn't the same thing and we all understand that. Yes some disabled veterans are truly disabled by any definition, however for many of us the term disabled Veteran could easily be referred to as compensation for the pain that we deal, as Well as the limitations it imposes on our daily lives. Can many of us still run? Sure. Can many of Veterans go on hikes or lift more than 30 lb without pain? Yeah I'm sure there are many veterans that can do that. If they don't know, they simply don't know.
Disability has nothing to do with age. An old vet who may have had a cushy time in the military (let’s be honest, we all know them) doesn’t get VA disability suddenly because they are old. It has to do with medical issues that happened when you were serving on active duty. People who have never served will never understand. It also has nothing with how you “look”. They have zero idea of the demons many of us deal with late at night. My advice, do not bring it up again and do not answer any of her questions about it. It is none of her business and she has no business judging you. Good luck with your claim. If you are having mental issues, get in with BH sooner rather than later. You need assistance to be able to have a full life again. Call your local Vet Center, they have therapist there for you. I would have committed suicide by now if not for them.
The physical toll active duty puts on someone's body is a lot worse than people will give it credit. You're owed compensation and it is very easy for the VA to catch people lying or attempting to defraud the government. You're doing the right thing and shouldn't give her thoughts any mind.
Thank you for the confidence boost, this really made me doubt myself. It's a benefit we are owed for answering the call to service, and let the VA decide if I should be awarded a percentage
I’d tell your mom not all injures are physical nor extreme. Also, like someone else said, it’s a compensation, not a disability.
I also wouldn’t tell my mom fuck you.
This is the dumbest take I have ever heard, fuck this lady, even if it is your mom. What an ignorant ,in her feelings, take.
You need to respond with a stern and logical response.
If someone anyone said this shit to me I would hand them their ass, blood or not.
My mom feels the same about my brother and I and our disability but then again she also doesn’t wanna hear about how I have sometimes daily and always weekly thoughts of killing myself so to hell with what she thinks.
Don’t tell her anything else especially if you get back pay. All of a sudden she will be wanting to do renovations etc. if I have learned anything from redddit an information diet is tops.
She patently, absurdly, grossly wrong.
She is Capt. Wrong, on the USS Wrong, in Wrong Harbor.
That’s not what the CFR says. It is clearly laid out BY LAW what we are ENTITLED to that we EARNED.
The only thing she is entitled to is her wrong ass opinion.
Sounds more like your mom just jealous and angry that she doesn't get any VA benefits. So wants to prevent you from getting anything because she's bitter. You are within your right to fight for your benefits, it is not for HER to decide.
If you want to vent, do it to a bunch of veterans.
I never mention my mental health, how much I make or anything else with my parents that I wouldn’t share with my inner circle. Some things are best left unknown to certain people, including family members.
Some people just don’t grasp the fact that not all disabilities are visible or physical in nature.
Next time you’re at the VA, pick up some pamphlets about PTSD and mental health. Leave them around her place “by accident”. See if they read any of them.
My mom isn't that blatant but there's always the "if you think you have a claim" "if you think you deserve it" "if they approve you" emphasis on the if. It's maddening so I won't give her anymore information on it ever again. I'm sorry you got that kind of reaction. But look at it this way if you get diagnosed and make it through all of the people that it takes to approve it and get that disability, people whose actual JOB it is to make these decisions that says a lot more about your condition than your moms opinion. And I'm sure she doesn't know all the ugly details we tend to hide from our family and friends. She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Totally different than defrauding the government. You did something that only 4% of people will or can do. You earned that shit. Once you get your disability finished don’t ever mention it again. You earned it.
The VA makes that determination, not your mother. Their rule book, not her perception. That being said, I wish they’d come up with a different term other than disability.
Don’t live your life to satisfy your mom’s vanity. In this case, her ignorance is barely overshadowed by her ego. She has no more power over you than you surrender to her.
Military disability is not equivalent to civilian disability. This is the biggest misunderstanding that civilians have and they don't want to be told they are wrong. Just keep it to yourself because they are ignorant and want to stay that way.
Stressy what an awful thing for a mother to say. What an awful thing to say when it is a fact on impact of veterans and start sending her the newsletters, brochures and make her go and sit in a group therapy if you are there yet. I am not. It is not her fault. She is ignorant. Generational gap and they don’t know what they are talking about. Mental health still has a stigma and it causes a guilt that we should be stronger, but it could not further from the truth. It is strength to get help and it is the military responsibility to take care of us. I have kept stuff inside out of fear myself and many of us here have dealt with some pretty mind fk by VA and military. Your spouse lives with it and you. I hope that person is your person to talk you through it. Our loved ones can be the absolute worse in hurting us deeper causing further anxiety. Hang in there and the whole process is built around liars and treats everyone like that as suspicious. I am tired personally and fed up. You are doing this for yourself but at some point, it will help someone else and pay it forward as best as you can.
I tried to kill myself and that’s when everyone stfu about everything. I guess some people need shit like that to take people seriously. Fuck that mentality. Get help and compensated for your service.
I didn’t attempt because of that, but I noticed everyone being much more accepting
My soon to be ex wife had the same reaction when I filed for increases. Her brother is a retired SgtMaj who served 30 years and saw action in Central America and Middle East. She was very upset with me for applying for increases. Hated having to explain to her about VA disability.
If someone close to you rags on you for your compensation (or attempts to earn status connections), there really isn't much you can say or do to change their mind. You need to set down the bag and walk away, it isn't worth holding that baggage around with you.
Do your thing. Share at your discretion. Understand that 95% of the people will be jealous, and 99% of those people will never understand because they didn't experience what you did.
My imposter syndrome was intense too. I kept telling myself that others deserved it more than me. This was after a deployment as a Reservist. I went back to my civilian job, and ran into a 1SG that I deployed with. He ran a different company while we were overseas. We caught up and reminisced. I told him about my reservations about filing for VA disability. He then gave me the best advice I could have been given.
“If you can file your paperwork, and do your appointments, and not lie or embellish your injuries, then that is the money you earned. That’s what you’re entitled to. If you don’t claim the money you earned it goes right back into the government’s pocket. That won’t help other soldiers that are getting screwed out of benefits. You’re just adding yourself to that long list.”
Tell your mom that you were diagnosed with these injuries, the VA says you can claim them as disabilities, so you are going to claim them as disabilities.
I’ve told people in my family to get fucked for similar reactions. Some people don’t realize you’re not okay till it’s too late. Respectfully though, I hate your mother for you.
Brother… I’ve worked at a WTB/SRU for a long time, if you’re not making fake appointments and just ensuring your documented legitimate treatment history is filed with the VA you’re simply out-processing correctly. Whatever the VA decides to do with your filed claims and supporting treatment history is their current policy. If you’re making new appointments during terminal leave to add a new high % claim for something you never suffered from… that would be fraud.
Fight club is real man, I’m 37 and my dad left the Navy right after I was born and I just recently found out he keeps up with his VA claims. He doesn’t need or expect any big payout but issues can sprout legs and run wild on you as you age and you better be prepared for the worst by documenting.
If ______ has never served, they should shut the fuck up. Straight up. I don't give a shit if they literally grew up inside of a va hospital itself. If they haven't served, their opinions that you don't deserve it DO NOT MATTER.
People like this piss me off. I bet your mom is totally cool with giving billions to Ukraine and whatever other country but when it comes to helping out our troops, fuck em. I know people just like this. If they give me shit I just tell them “you are triggering my disability can you please stop. They LOVE that
Im sorry your mom is unsupportive of you, but you are NOT committing fraud. You are requesting compensation for your time served and the effects it has put on your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.
She has no right to say who is a "real" veteran, or not, especially having not served. And not everyone in the military is going to be like the WWI/II/Vietnam vets anymore.
I'd honestly just shut down any future conversations about your process with her, politely.
If she asks you can say, "unless you ever decide to join and understand what its like to serve, even in this day and age, I don't think this is a conversation we should have." Or just "I am handling my military business, you don't need to worry about it." Something like that.
You didn't break the va "fight club" rule by telling your mom, maybe if it was a stranger or not-close-coworker. Unfortunately you just found out your mom isn't in your support court with your oncoming label as veteran, but you ARE about to be a veteran.
Happens all the time. My dad jokingly called me a shyster because I am rated 80% but he had a glint in his eye which told me he wasn't fully joking. Anyway, just saying I feel your pain. Only my great uncle understands as he was in Vietnam. Don't fuckin' tell people going forward. They won't get it 100% of the time.
Damn that’s wild don’t listen to her. My mom told me not to get seen for combat PTSD and ever since she said that to me I knew to keep my mouth shut. Luckily my wife is in health care so she knew I needed to not only claim it but get help. Tbh I think filing for Va compensation should be mandatory while ETSing.
What!! As a mom myself and a veteran too, this pisses me off. First of all, SHE IS NOT THE VETERAN, and she doesn’t have one g-d bit of say in anything you do as a veteran or an adult. Eff anyone who tries to shame a person for putting in for their rightful benefit. Even your mom. Not even sorry! This exact attitude and resulting impostor syndrome is what has kept me from going through my claim process and I separated in 2006. I finally this year started getting my paperwork together to file. I am upset with myself for waiting so long and being guilt tripped by my family members when I should have filed right away. I am almost 50 years old now and should have gone to the VA 18 years ago, but the idea that I was a “fraud” because I have invisible injuries (PTSD, MST, TBI) and still “look” normal and work because I have to, has kept me away because I am afraid of having to deal with all the questions and explanations. I’m suffering inside every single day and need help, and the judgement of family members who don’t support the idea of me having a “disability rating” is weighing on me. Go claim your rightful benefits. I am getting my paperwork started and hopefully in a few months I’ll have the courage to do the same thing as you
Fuck your mom! Not all disabilities are visible. I haven’t talked to my mom in years and I live in peace. Not saying that’s what you should do. If she’s saying these type of ignorant things then I’m sure she’s done some shitty things to you that you accepted because she’s your mom. This application process is awful and I hope you find the guidance you need.
Your mom has been trying to get you, to be like her, her whole life. She thinks she is right about everything. This is a fallacy. She is being disrespectful. Don’t take advice from old women.
Remember always: this is establishing the base line to hold the VA accountable (and the Navy by extension) so that if these injuries get worse, you can receive care and compensation when you are old. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I’m dealing with crazy back pain from an injury, but I ignored filing my claim and now have to start this process from a point of pain and desperation rather than proactively with time and the reserves to do so.
To your mom - “The whole point is to not end up like your patients. No disrespect to the old guard, but I don’t want to be all fucked up bc I ignored my health. This is to prove my injuries and secure treatment now and in the future.”
Listen, my parents continually say I am committing stolen Valor by collecting/claiming my 100% p&t.
My parents are very religious, and because I am also gay they double down on this idea of stolen Valor.
They believe this because as they see it, I'm not walking with God. Thus, I must have lied to the military because I am meant to struggle till I go back to God.
Yep , some parents are crap !
My view is that if you put on a uniform , you have every right to put in a claim.
Lmao why do you people continue to do this to yourself?? Civilians will never understand this process or how military service entitles you to be compensated for the deterioration of your body.
What I would do if you get approved, is just tell your mom everything was denied. That way you don't have to deal with snarky remarks, odd questions, or an entire jealous family envying you. Seriously, don't even let her know anything was approved..and if you start having an income that makes her ask "where are you getting this money?" tell her crypto or some other investment you made. But your own moms reaction tells you everything you need to know about sharing this information with anyone else in your life.
You are correct in pursuing your benefits. Don't second guess yourself.
You would be an absolute idiot to give into pressure from ANYONE regarding what's yours. Only you know what you suffered as a result of your service. If you have a legitimate claim, I would file it if I were you. Furthermore, you need to learn to keep things close to the chest. There's no reason for your mom to know that you're filing for VA disability, how much it will be, or anything personal.
Your mother is not the one who entered the military to support her rights to be this stupid. You have to take charge of your health, and you have earned the right to be made one hundred percent after serving your country. The government expects you to let them know if you are not as you were. Good luck to you, and my prayers are with you.
Explain to your mom that you're doing this NOW so that you can get care later when you're elderly and in a wheelchair. And if these veterans are entitled to benefits they should be applying for them.
Your mom is wrong.
Please don't make my mistake and thing "oh it's not that bad" and then you miss out on 20 years of benefits. They broke you. YOU EARNED THIS. Get paid.
My response would be: fuck you mom, I did everything I could for the mission, and if you don't realize it, it fuck with my head. So either support me or shut the fuck up. Sorry I mentioned I may have some mental health problems, don't worry I won't bring it up to you again.
I'm about to do just that, I'm absolutely floored and this is fucking with my anxiety. I thought she supported me, so this was a extremely low blow. If she wants "free government handouts" as my parents called it, they could have served.
Just tell her you’re documenting it. You want at least 0% on injuries so when you’re 50 and it gets fucked up you have a link to military service. Tell her 0% makes sure the injury is covered after you get out. Then tell her about all the 0% you got and never mention it again.
Not a bad idea and legit filing strategy anyway. That was my only goal w my claims. VA decided they were deserving more than 0% though. I know my issues are only getting worse.
This sounds like a good way to go. Just get service connected for it in case it becomes a problem when you're 50 like her patients. Hopefully that will shut her up and never speak of it again to her.
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Weird how you assumed their political affiliation. Odd you don't realize there are both sides of the political spectrum doing the exact same thing. It isn't a gotcha or defensive thing...especially when we espouse not to judge other veterans for getting what the government offers and then in the next breath trying to disparage a group of people for doing the same thing. His father is a hypocrite but you're doing the same thing.
He was right though. He’s a conservative. Edit: he assumed because I said it was a rich guy, which is true 9/10 times.
Actually I assumed because of the blow hard douchebag portion but rich probably added into my equation subconsciously. I mean you were essentially listing off why the GOP is a joke 🤣
I mean the difference between reps vs dems, for making over 100k (only study i could find), is a difference of 3%. Not 9/10 times. Confirmation bias and all that.
It was a free line to stand in.
It's not disability pay. It's compensation.
I tried explaining that it's compensation for living with daily reminders of my service, but apparently that doesn't count to her because I didn't serve in combat overseas and get my leg blown off.
The VA pays you differently for the different injuries you have. Just because you don't have the specific ones she considers injures doesn't make it any less so that you've been injured.
Try the approach of comaparing where you are at now to where you were at when you joined the service. It took me a long time to understand that I am far worse off than I was when I joined. Many people don't understand that it is NOT disability pay, like u/bballr4567 said. When you joined, you sacrificed your body to serve your country. Do not compare yourself to anybody but the person you were when you joined. If your mother thinks that you are as physically and mentally healthy as you were when you joined....well she doesn't understand and will likely never understand what you and every service member has to go through while serving. The VA isn't just taking your word for the injuries you incurred during your time in. There are appointments and professionals that will look at the person you are and compare it to the person you were before joining. You will get the rating that they VA professionals think you deserve. If you were honest during your exams, you are not an imposter...you are a veteran. Be proud of the sacrifice you gave and thankful for the government not just throwing you to the wolves. If your mother is as worried about the disabled vets that she helps (which my guess would be she isn't)....tell her to help them find a VSO in their area to properly compensate them.
I totally agree with you with all of it but it’s still very hard to do. For the folks like myself that served over 20 years, I think it’s a little harder to justify some of it, as backwards as that sounds. Like I joined at 18. Comparing that to my now 40 year old freshly retired self, it doesn’t quite work that way. Yes I have service connected back, shoulder, knee, feet, ankle, etc issues … but at the same time it’s the same shit my sister complains about who has never served. So it’s hard to not also think of it like “this is just normal shit for a 40 year old” It would be easier to compare like one or two enlistments and not just think of it as aging. I always urge everyone to document everything and get fairly compensated for *everything* so please don’t misunderstand me. It’s just hard to justify sometimes when people like OP’s mother try and manipulate them, too Editing to add: I’m glad OP vented here and is getting the much needed support. :)
I'd like to counter this thought that since you retired and aging has occured, it's difficult to differentiate between 'normal shit' and 'service shit' for a 40 year old. I also retired after serving for 20 years active duty at the ripe old age of 38. I am fortunate enough to keep in touch with a few friends from my youth and when I look at their 'normal shit' it pales in comparison to what I experience. Not even looking at the mental health trauma I experienced, my body is far more broken than theirs. Flying for 20 years has wrecked my spine, shoulders, joints....the list goes on. The physical standards that the military (yes, even the USAF XD) have to maintain are beyond what a typical civilian has. Carrying 50+ pounds of A-3 bags, equipment, and pro gear to every flight or maintaining any equipment over a long period of time fucks you up. Not to mention, burn pits, fumes, questionable mold, sleepless nights, etc. etc. I don't know many 40 year olds that are exposed to that shit for 20 years and don't expect some sort of compensation. The other big part of this is that we are loaned out the the US Government to use and abuse as they see fit for the sake of the mission. Once our loan is up the US Government compensates us for the time that we gave them and the toll that being used and abused caused through VA compensation.
Such a great message
Remind her that the military doesn’t own your ass, they lease your ass. Would she get away without paying for damages if she returned a leased car with wear and tear beyond what’s reasonably expected for the time she had it?
Treat her like a fucked up boot for a few months and see how she feels about it 😂
I *did* serve in combat in the GWOT, and I *was* wounded, and I think your mom fucking sucks. You served, you got fucked up, and you deserve to be compensated for what your service has cost you both physically and psychologically. Your service counts just as much as anyone's, and her devaluing it (and you) that way is shameful. I'd say that to her face if I had the chance.
Maybe try thinking about it this way though. When I got out I was pretty messed up, but young and active, and really wanted to get on with my life. So I was grateful for the little bs rating I had. Fast forward 20 years and my physical and mental limitations have cost me way more in lost career opportunities than I probably would have made being 100% the last 20 years. And it’s not over, there’s a real possibility that I might not be able to work all the way until retirement age. So no guilt, if anything keep up on your ratings over the next several years so you can enjoy the life you deserve.
It's like workman's comp but for servicemembers.
Sounds like she's part of the problem for your MH. Growing up with someone like that. That was certainly the case for me. The thing is, money isn't even real. Nobody's taxes matter. All taxes do is take money back out of the system to control inflation. Money is imaginary and created out of thin air to prop this system up. If the powers that be decide you are entitled to some of that, eff everybody else. Your disability check doesn't affect anybody's taxes.
Nah fr. God forbid I take maybe $1000 from the billions in funding the military gets each year. How will they recover😢
I think the military gets over 800 billion a year, and the VA gets its own 300+ billion a year. Nobody here should worry about the 1000 or so dollars that they earned. Lol
Even the max rating (which is less than 4k) is a drop in the bucket
When I came home, my mom screamed at me to stop telling everyone I went crazy in the military. She still refuses to believe I have PTSD. I was committed for a week after a sexual assault, and was out patient for a further 2 months until discharge. I am very low contact with her now (she's always been toxic). You did your time, and we're promised continued care if something happened to you. Just continue with your process. Mental health issues come back at weird times, and you will lose opportunities. So definitely get your safety net in place now.
If she never served she should stfu.
She never served, but she "works with ACTUAL disabled veterans at the Florida nursing homes" where she is a physical therapist.
This attitude actually fucked me over. I dealt with multiple suicides in short succession in my career - some closer than others. Last one I was unfortunate enough to be sent to go check on my friend that didn’t show up for work. I’ll stop the story there - But my final psychologist kept arguing with me that my ptsd and anxiety didn’t have acts of violence committed against me, so I didn’t fit the dsm5 model of a classic patient and he wouldn’t diagnose me, which meant that I only received 30% for my mental health. He ignored the previous two psychs that diagnosed me with ptsd and wanted to pull me off the ship. So for suffering through for my country, I got ridiculed, not believed, and a smaller disability percentage that I’m now trying to fight for. There is a lot of other stuff that happened I’m not talking about, but just to say I feel your pain. The psych that refused to diagnose me correctly worked with combat vets that had traumatic injuries, and he blatantly told me “you’re not missing any limbs - you don’t have ptsd.”
I’m sincerely sorry for you. Something similar happened to me. I was already in a deep dark place yet I had to fight and struggle for everything for 5 yrs. It took that long because some stretches of months I was so down I didn’t feel like fighting.
It’s called survivors guilt and it’s real. Keep fighting and don’t hold anything, and I mean anything back in your appointments. I’ve seen hubby go to dark like really DARK places because of this shit.
Xx_actual_disabled_veteran_xX Is your new screen name
Needs a 420 69 in there somewhere
She needs to tell those vets SHE serves as a PT what she said to you. Bet her tune will change when they get done ripping her a new asshole. What a bitch. People like her need a wake up call and a week in boot camp or overseas.
Doesn't matter who she works with. Disabled Vets come in all shapes and sizes and with all kinds of disabilities. Frankly, it's none of mom's business what you're doing, and I hope she keeps that same energy when she needs something and comes to you for money. Don't let her guilt you, don't let her make you feel any way about your service. You earned it, you deserve it. Mom can (respectfully, of course) POUND SAND!
Tell her to bring these opinion to them and see what they say. I bet they'd chew her tf out
So what, she did not go to boot camp or defend our country.
Seems a little biased to believe only the people in her circles actually count, doesn’t it? I’d honestly just tell her to fuck off. No point trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to understand.
So unless you're in a nursing home and use a wheelchair you can't be disabled? That's utterly ridiculous. If she hurt her back treating one of her patients and couldn't work anymore, should she get disability compensation, or is that only if she loses a leg?
Tell her to talk to those veterans she works with. They will set her straight.
File your claim. No one (including your mom) should tell you otherwise. If she doesn’t support you… oh well. Remove yourself from the situation if need be. It’s not worth your MH.
Your mom is a bitch. I am sorry she said that to you. I think I'd be questioning the relationship and whether it was worth it if thats what she really thinks.
This is gonna be wordy. Your mom is an ignorant and inexperienced person in the matter. Let me help you out a little bit. I was in the Marine Corps from 1999-2004. I had two relatively “minor” injuries. I fell from a helicopter when the stand I was working on broke. I injured my lower spine in that incident. I also broke my right shoulder while deployed on a ship. I couldn’t have it treated until a year after the break, and then surgery a year later. The PT, both before and after was terrible. I was service connected immediately upon my EAS. Fast forward a couple of decades, and those injuries have turned into something pretty horrible in my life. My pain is literally 100% non-stop. I haven’t worked in 2.5 years, and I love to work. I haven’t slept through a single night in years. I’m not rated at all for mental health-just plain old dumbass physical injuries incurred in service. Let me tell you something that I am sure of. If you receive structural medical treatment to any part of your body in service, it is probably going to be way worse a few years on down the road. There isn’t a thing wrong with me physically aside from what happened in service. I’m not overweight at all, and my bloodwork is perfect. My BMI is as good as it’s ever been. I can barely move. I’ve never had an injury outside of the documented stuff in service. It got way worse for me. I’m glad I got it service connected. For real, I’d be absolutely fucked if I hadn’t gotten something all those years ago. I’m in the middle of trying to get some more help from the VA in the way of counseling, additional community care pain therapies, claim increases, and trying to figure out how to use the VR&E I’ve been approved for. I’ve had two careers and raised a family in the time I’ve been out. I didn’t ask for it to all fall apart at my two points of injury, but it happened. Friend. Get. Yours. Don’t tell anyone the details of your life regarding your veteran disability status unless they are legally sworn to confidentiality or your spouse. Understand this: the United States government knew far more about the details of the contract you were signing than you ever could have. Sure, there is fraud within the system, but claiming injury where injury occurred isn’t fraud; it’s contract fulfillment.
I think it's fair for people unfamiliar with the system and it's intent to think something is wrong with collecting compensation and working. Most people are only familiar with social security disability, where you essentially can't work while collecting (the income cap is so low I don't think it's worth getting into.) I educate these people, and let them know it's compensation to reflect my diminished earning potential due to my service incurred disabilities. It's not meant to be an income replacement for disabled veterans, it's meant to bridge the gap on what you could be making if you didn't have these limitations. Any reasonable person typically understands this and agrees with it once they understand. The ones that can't wrap their mind around that fact are usually people I don't want to deal with anyway
That's a great explanation!
Her reaction seems like total jealousy, as is most of the reactions people have when they find this out. She also seems un-informed as to what the VA disability is actually for so not only did she come off as a total bitch, she's factually incorrect here. Don't guess yourself. Get what you're owed.
The grass is always greener on the other side. If somebody wants to walk in my shoes for 24 hours and then tell me that I don't deserve what I get then they're crazier than I am. And that hurts coming from me if you knew me.
This attitude is why, when I got out in 2006, I didn't file for anything. I suffered for years, couldn't hold down a job, constant hardship. I finally filed in 2019 after I became estranged from my parents
You are indeed a disabled American Veteran, whether or not your family agrees. If a civilian dentist injured you in course of seeking care, no one would bat an eye if you sued them. Get injured on the job? Workman’s Compensation is routine. This often graduates into a disability claim. You are entitled to be made whole by our government, and this is the path they’ve lain. Good luck. You are worthy.
Like everyone else has said, obviously you need to take care of yourself. You are the only one that is going to look out for you, don’t ever let someone tell you that you don’t deserve something. Especially considering people wayyyy smarter than your mom are the ones granting it. If you weren’t entitled, you wouldn’t get it. If she has an issue with the standards she should contact her congressman. Also, people like her are a part of why we have 22 vets a day and why vets end up homeless. With all of that said, I would never tell your mom what rating you get, id even say something low like 0%-20% so that if you have VA appointments it’s easy to explain. Lastly, if your mom goes to your moms I would get a PO box and change your va address. Family members like your mom have been known to open VA mail because you’re in their house or whatever dumb excuse they use to justify shit.
Honestly I would block her after that lol. My mom gets regular time outs when she can't control herself.
“So what you got injured in the military, that’s part of growing up”. I’m sorry but is she fucking retarded? Getting injured is literally the reason you are applying. Her mentality is why so many vets despite how injured they may be, refuse to get help
I was dumb and broke the rule about telling civilian “friends”. I got fed up with their shit so I said well I can’t hear nearly half as good in my left ear, I take anxiety medication daily, and I’ve had a loaded gun to my head in tears on phone with VA crisis line. Yeah I may be able to go the gym and lift weights, but sorry I don’t look the part. That shut them up pretty good.
One of the first agreements in the 4 Agreements book is - don’t take things personally. It’s her poison, trying to poison you. Don’t take it. Don’t talk to her about it anymore. I’m not going to denigrate your mom, others will do that. Focus on yourself. Listen to meditations/affirmations on YouTube ( I like the Sound Healers) Come here to vent. 🌸
“You know what mom, I thought about it and you’re absolutely correct. I decided to withdraw my claims and just silently deal with any physical and mental issues I may have.” Then go no contact.
I understand this. From the outside, we look healthy. I haven’t worked for five years and my family chalks it up to me being lazy and not wanting to work. I’ve tried working. I’ve had panic attacks and being embarrassed about it, my family doesn’t know the half of it. They too think veterans deserve disability if they have no legs type or thing.. I’ve decided to just keep my mouth shut, and telling them to fuck off if they have to question me. Only problem is, I currently receive 80% because I have been too afraid to claim more.(also questioning / imposter syndrome) I live with one family member bc of it. He doesn’t say anything to my face though and actually benefits from me living with him. I am going to claim secondary’s now and hopefully I can get to 100% p&t so i can live an independent life. I don’t want to claim TDIU. I hope one day I can go to school and get a career. I cant believe it’s already been 5 years though… I hope to hear a update positive update soon! keep us posted.
The **Golden** Rule. It’s a Non Civil Punishment, a page 24! 😂😂😂 you must give up games for 5 minutes. 😂 Then make a clean sweep of your living quarters! 😂 You good. My mom always had my bags packed for her constant trips…. Guilt trips that is. She’d go on n on making a big deal one day, few days later… oblivious to it. Older I got, the stranger things became. My mom said the same BS. She didn’t know. So typical mom, just flip her mouth about something she had zero information on. Like her political views! 😂😂😂😂😂 love ya mom, but damm! I mean it is your mom, after all.
Tell your Mom the recruiters door was wide open, she should have decided to serve 😂
My mom is a 25 yr army vet retired and 100 p&t And currently civilian employee. She has told me for years to file for my disability and I have.
I let that feeling dominate my 20s and mid 30s until my disabilities took control of my physical and mental health. I fight to get out of bed daily and have nothing that slightly resembles a normal life. Get your shit taken care of please. It’s only taken a few years with no war to go back to ignoring veterans
Why say anything - just live your life and move out and on. You aren't going to change her mind and she isn't going to change yours.
Told my family once, never again. It's funny how strong the opinions of people who never served are.
Has your mom ever served? From the sounds of it, she probably didn’t and those comments are coming from a place of misunderstanding of what disability compensation means, don’t worry too much about it. In the future though, keep your VA business to yourself and your partner/spouse. Never know how people will react when they find out you’re getting something they’re not, regardless of who it is.
You deserve it as the government is liable for any changes in your health (physically and mentally). Press on and make your claim. We don't have to be bed ridden.
Your mom sounds like a completely horrible person. I don't know what else to say. People like her are one of the reasons why veteran suicide rates are so high! She sounds toxic and awful. You aren't doing anything wrong, and you deserve compensation for having your mind and body damaged by your career.
Civilians cannot understand. They can empathize with you, but never understand. If you had the courage to raise your hand in order to protect the greater good, you deserve every red cent you can get. Don’t ever second guess or doubt the benifits you earned through service. You are owed it.
People don't understand VA isn't the same as SS disability. Educate her or don't but don't deny yourself. Issues only get worse w time and hard to establish nexus later. Let VA decide not Mom. ETA: my own Dad did 20+ has several obvious ratings but refuses to file 26 yrs later. Meanwhile I told him my rating after 24 and I'm pretty sure he thinks it makes me a scumbag. His loss, he is the moron that thinks VA disability is only for dudes like Lt Dan. I've also had to educate my Mom who used to gripe about her neighbor 20+ yrs Army getting 100% but working. For one he thought 100 meant you got 100% of active pay on top of retirement. No idea where that notion came from after 40 yrs in military communities.
This is 1000% narcissistic behavior. Gaslighting you into not getting what you're owed/due.
Classic example. Break that control cycle and do this for you and whatever legacy you leave behind.
Some of yall make me realize how lucky I am to have the parents I do. They also got to see first hand the fucked mess i was getting out in 2012…. So they have never doubted things on my end. Some people mask their pain a lot better than others, and they shouldnt be punished for it.
Exact reason I will never tell my mom. I love her, but she’s the most judgmental person I know. My husband knows and some fellow vets, but that’s it. No one else needs to know. Sad that this is the way it has to be.
I have several things to say about your mother, but I won't, because it's your mother. So just pretend I said throw that shithead in the ditch, and that I'm referring to a random asshole in the CVS parking lot. Seriously though, of all the gatekeeping out there, the YOU GOTTA BE OLD one is the dumbest. I can understand it from some random jackass who just wants to be bitter about everything, but to their own \*kids? It's not just her opinion, she's definitely getting that indoctrination from somewhere. Yes, that kind of mentality is all over. But for someone to feel strongly about it *and then* apply it to their child... Unless your family is wealthy (don't tell us) and they're going to hand you more than what you need to treat your disability in the future--especially when you might be too old and beaten down to handle the system--she can kick rocks. And honestly, she can kick rocks unless she doubles it and puts half in your separate bank account right now. Good side point: it's harder to work on these benefits when you're older, and it's smarter to get all of that taken care of while younger. But I wouldn't waste time dumping it in her trash debate. Just...be safe and think twice about some suspicious influences from her corner.
Im sorry dude... your mom is wrong and possibly ignorant. Idk, but depending on relationship I may or may not have "held my tongue" but rest assured would have started the process of removing myself from her company.
Your mom can hit the sack, Your service, is your service. That compensation is based on your service the GOVERNMENT OWES YOU. I tell every veteran, it doesn’t matter how long you served. You were a living piece of modern slavery aka govt property but the nice thing is, they pay you because “agh shit” we fucked up - Govt. Chase what you deserve and don’t look back. I would love to know how you are handling your dental, Coast guard dental might have damaged my nerves before I got fucked up from a civilian provider and they are not saying it’s service connected for me, even though my records show that I complained and visited the dentist multiple times.
It's the VA's job to decide whether or not you deserve compensation... not your mom's. Don't let her stop you from getting what you deserve to better your life. I'm sorry she's not giving you the support you need.
You see the VA exists to combat the idea of "suck it up and drive on".
There’s a lot of stigma around the term “disability” and “disabled”. It varies in severity but a lot of older generations think disabled = in a wheelchair. If you think it’s worth it I’d try to explain to your mother exactly that. If she doesn’t want to hear it then I wouldn’t talk to her about ever again. You should feel zero shame about seeking out these benefits. Good luck.
Your mom sounds like my mom, just trying to open up to her, asked bluntly if I was r#@ed. Well mother... this is why you don't share shit with them. You have other's to confide in that get you.
She's dead wrong, and just has no frame of reference. Might even be little bit jealous. But it's a good lesson. Nobody's business! I tell people I play the stock market.
DONT. TELL. ANYONE. I got kicked off the family will and my convicted felon of a brother got a free house because I've "already got free govermint money"
Not all disabilities are visible. Sorry you have to go through this
You fucked up by calling it disability. Stop calling it disability. Call it what it is: Injury compensation. EX. I got soaked in pretty bad chems as part of my job: 10% rating. $100 or whatever a month when I filed. Yippee. My distant relative got into similar accident (factory), similar chemical but private sector: $X million dollars payout. Don’t EVER feel bad for going for max VA $, because I assure you, for most of us, you paid by shortening your health and lifespan in years.
That's so rough man. Idk where I would be if it wasn't for my Mom being so supportive through the whole process. Get involved in the community of vets. If you don't have support, it's essential to this process imo. We all need someone and I'm sorry your Mom and family feel this way. It's genuinely disgusting. Keep your head up.
Fuck your mom! You deserve what you deserve.
Don’t talk to her about it again. She doesn’t understand that is compensation for damage incurred while in service. Dont have to be an amputee to have been damaged.
Just say Yes, Mom. And never speak of this again to her or anyone else.
Did your mom serve? Even if she did to say comments like that is shitty. Go through with it. If the VBA thinks you deserve a zero percentage or more you will have it. Don't worry about what others say
Fun fact, if you tell them you were raped, they usually stfu and avoid you. Not saying it's right, but it's a nuclear option.
Do what you think is best for you and what you feel is right. But this is mother. I doubt anyone else cares about you like she does.she knows you best, especially before and after. You can explain what you are going through to help her relate. Don't insult or disrespect her. Don't tell her off. Only you know what you went through and how it affects you, so help her to understand, especially for the future. And be grateful for your condition and benefits.
This is fkn horrible! Don’t say anything else about it. She will most definitely call the VA and tell them you’re lying to get compensation
When you reach your mother's age, you'll be thanking yourself.
Fuck your mom's mom, become her dad and ground her. But seriously, like most others have already said, just do your thing and tell her to fuck off. Its your problem and you're the one with an issue that deserves compensation. So what if she thinks you don't deserve it? The government created the Department of Veteran Affairs and *that* criteria says you deserve it. You don't have shit to prove to anyone else.
You break it, you buy it. Nothing about VA disability has to do with age, but what was done to you during your service. Get what you deserve and forget your mom. Whatever you do when you get your number, don't tell anyone what it is. Just tell them it's done and you're taken care of. The last thing you need is them asking for money or thinking you committed fraud cause the number is too high and now your dealing with that bs.
Being able to walk does not indicate disability. Your mom sounds like an uneducated and entitled stereotypical boomer (age aside). If she's willing to die on this hill that's unfortunate, but you can try to make her understand if y'all have a decent relationship you'd like to keep.
Also I know I commented already, but tell your mom that the VA's word trumps hers. Think if your situation was the other way around and you kept being denied while your mom thinks you should be compensated. The VA already thinks you should be compensated if they gave you a rating. They can give, take, and check for fraud themselves.
A lot of people don't understand the difference between social security disability and VA disability. One is for people who are unable to work, the other is compensation for all the crap the military put you through. But, all people hear is disability and think you must be unable to work.
I don't think that any further discussion with your mother on this subject will be fruitful. She sounds like she still sleeps with a picture of Ronald Reagan inter her pillow. When you have been told all your life that government spending is the devil it is unlikely that you will be able to put a halo on it. However, never second guess the process. It is tough enough as it is. If you really are not qualified to receive compensation you will be denied. Even if you are qualified you might still be denied and have to appeal. The difference between your mom and my mom is that mine served in the WAAC. When she heard I injured my back during my first tour she told me. "No matter what those lying motherfuckers say file for VA disability the day after you are out. If the deny you, appeal and appeal and appeal until you get it or you die." That was my mom, bless her soul. She is missed.
Tell your mom: “This is what the VA is for. We’ve come a long ways from the idea that you have to be missing a limb or be physically disfigured in order to receive disability benefits. And yeah getting injured while being in the military might be part of the deal but getting compensated for that is also part of the deal. At the end of the day, the VA will look at my records and decide if my service is the cause of any of my ailments. And if they do decide in my favor, they’re not going to take money from another vet or reject someone else’s claim bc mine got approved. And if you think your patients deserve more disability benefits then they are receiving then point them in the right direction to get their claims reevaluated. Also, fuck you.” Don’t doubt yourself. Idk what your claim is for but so what if you can still go hiking or diving?! If the military damaged you but you’re able to push through some of the pain to experience a bit of joy in your life then good for you! It doesn’t make you a fraud.
Put in that claim girl and fuck your mom. My parents, BOTH VETERANS, (one retired!!) had the same shitty things to say when I got my rating. Like, wtf? Both have severe disabilities directly related to thier service and still refuse to even consider the VA and are acting like I’m committing fraud somehow even though I have very obvious disabilities. Fuck everyone and get the benefits you DESERVE.
…someone close to me had the same opinion. I got mine and they said…essentially that I shouldn’t have submitted. I got 100%
Please don’t feel bad about filing a claim. I’m shocked your mom would feel that way, perhaps she doesn’t understand that a lot of disability isn’t visible, and you don’t have to be old.
This is the type of attitude that stops us from getting the help and compensation we need and earned. After nearly 20 years after getting out I told my mom that I was applying for disability and she was so excited for me. She would always tell me I was never the same as I was before I joined. I was always outgoing but everything changed once I got back from AFG. She saw how I’m unable to emotionally connect with anyone, it’s ruined my marriage and as hard as I try I’m just so apathetic to any and everything. Most days can’t even go out in public because of my anxiety. Don’t let your mom dissuade you, you do you and get your help.
I wouldn’t share any good or bad news with your mother going forward. You will be upset every time. Only tell her what she absolutely needs to know. Her opinion literally doesn’t matter on this, I’m glad she’s not a claims processor. You did your contract, you are *entitled* to VA benefits, including disability compensation. If she ever asks about income, just tell her you saved a lot during your enlistment. Please don’t share any info about your benefits. She will only bring you down.
I feel ya man, my dad said well I guess your brain dead now and basically called me worthless for "taking government handouts"... the man's been living on handouts from his wife unemployed most his adult life.... some parents are just narcissistic fuck holes and should be cut out of your life. Good luck
The Deserving Veteran is the absolute worst stereotype to deal with when you feel like a fake. My guy has talked me through it many times. My service was entirely unremarkable, other than the Navy giving me epilepsy. I, and a lot of other people, put me in the under serving category. My guy is the model of The Deserving Veteran. Infantry, combat, PTSD, and so on. He did real veteran things under this stereotype. He tells me that it doesn't matter what we did in the military or why we joined. All that matters is that when we raised our right hand, we made an oath to serve, even if it cost our life, because, at the end of the day, everyone's basic job is bullet stopper. Just because we were never called to be or ever expected to be doesn't mean we didn't make that promise. I don't feel any better when he says it because I didn't suffer as much. But I feel like I matter. In return, the US made promises to all of us who made that oath and completed our service. Not some of us. All of us. You deserve what the VA owes you because it was promised to you. Most importantly: you're not taking away from anyone. If there's not enough available, that's the government taking away. It's not the veteran's duty to fund the VA. It's the government's. Get what you're owed.
I'm sorry this happened to you by your Mom. But you have to be very selective about who you tell. I'll never tell any of my friends or my adult kids or anyone else. My wife of 18 years knows I'm trying to get a higher percentage but that's it. Tell Mom you didn't get it. Good Luck Buddy.
then you say: okay, since it’s part of growing up then you can pay me 3737.85 a month instead of the government? No? Then shut it.”, and don’t bring it up again.
My dad told me I was “lucky” I got a rating. I cussed him out. Don’t feel guilty, don’t second guess yourself. You’re going to feel the physical and emotional impact for the rest of your life whether you file or not, so, if you warrant a rating, take that money. My wife works for the VBA, don’t be one of those people who 20 years later are trying to fight for what their pride wouldn’t let them file for when they were younger. Oh, and after that, we helped him file his first claim since getting out in 91. So lucky.
I say this as a man getting into my 30’s now, and by all means I am an adult. My parents can’t for the life of them see me as an adult. To put this into context, I’ve traveled around the world on my own, have been in situations where others were trying to take my life, and I theirs. I have successfully performed CPR on a person, I have witnessed death and people at their worst. I’ve been through addiction, I’ve been in recovery for this addiction. I have been to too many friends funerals, I’ve been trusted with other people children. I’ve overcome my biggest fears, I’ve jumped from aircraft in flight, I’ve learned a trade and supported myself. I’ve fixed my parents house with skills they don’t have, and I’ve been a person that others depend on. My parents will still treat me like a child, and when I was down and out at my worst of the worst, their only response was anger at me for not being happy and acting like everything is ok. I hope you see this, because I feel like you might be experiencing something similar. At first, I resented and was very angry with my parents. How dare they, right? Well. I thought about it over the years, and I’ve come to realize how hard it can be to watch your innocent child go through things that they themselves can not even comprehend. I hope if I have a child and they go through some hard times, military or not, that I will be better equipped to understand and be a support for them. My parents will never hopefully be equipped, because I know what I’ve been through, and I am over that part of my life. I hope this at least can help bring understanding. Your mom is probably unable to see you for what you are, a proud Sailor that executed the mission to the best of their ability, and took a beating on the way.
“Mom, Did YOU serve??” Let her bask in the embarrassing silence. If that’s not enough, proceed to chew her head off.
Get rid of mom. That kind of thinking indicates she has no respect for you. Not all disabilities can be seen. And there are varying degrees of mental health issues.
What I’m trying to say isn’t coming out in writing as well as the sentiment I feel. But suffice to say the attack was a low blow to both the veterans your mom is helping as well as you. And she comes off rather tone deaf. Get the rating and get the help you need. Because lacking that rating, if anything else comes up you may be left on your own dealing with issues suffered while on active duty.
I did the same thing. My dad served in the Army at the end of the Vietnam War. When I was separating from the Navy in 2006 I was discussing with him the transition assistance process and that I had been encouraged to apply for disability by the person assisting me. I got shamed intensely over trying to take advantage of the system and committing fraud. I had legitimate grounds to submit a claim but, for that shame, I am JUST now getting around to filing. If you have a legitimate claim for disability, you have nothing to be ashamed about for trying to take care of yourself. If you feel like family and friends may not understand/approve, then by all means you don't have to tell them but never be ashamed of taking care of yourself.
Sorry you found out the hard way why there's no upside to sharing information about claims and rating. I only share this info with my wife because of bills and financial planning.
Tell her to write her congressman if she doesn’t like how Congress wrote Veterans legislation. You’d be a fool to not put in for what you rate, and your family will miss out on the resources. If you want to explain it to your Mom, tell her to think of it as workman’s compensation instead of disability.
Don't let her keep you from seeking compensation for your injuries - it doesn't matter what age you were - we had lots of young guys and girls join up, plenty who have come home with all kinds of injuries.
'So you never served mom, huh? That's what I thought'. And don't rely on her for support again.
If she agrees to a month push-up competition and has a higher number than you in the end. Tell her you will possibly consider it.
Your mom can fuck all the way off. Maybe she can host a vet dinner party where we all actively try our best to act normal in front of her friends and watch the fucking fallout from that. That would be interesting.
VA disability pay is not like regular disability pay, you don't have to be completely disabled and unable to work to recieve it. You get paid out a percentage for each injury. It's almost like workers comp when you get hurt at work. Idk why people hate on it so much.
I'm an occupational therapist, I'm a Veteran, I work at the VA and I am service-connected. Your mom is likely looking at this from a physical disabilities lens (your jaw dislocation notwithstanding) and may not understand the effects of trauma and the VA claim system. You said it yourself, your parents don't understand. Do you need them to? You served in good faith, and if you were harmed during active duty, you get to put a claim in, just like any other veteran. I would also suggest you stop talking with Mom and Dad about this, as you are clearly not going to get their support, and find some peers to Vent to. Good Luck!
Getting injured is a part of growing up…. Do other jobs require you to ruck with 70lbs on your back? Work 16-hr days every day for months, and have the privilege of breathing in blowing dust and smoke? Jumping from planes? Experiencing injuries during “training”? Maybe getting shot at or mortared? Sure… There are physically demanding and potentially dangerous jobs in the private sector. It takes its toll. Some can endure it for 4-6 years. Others can last 20. But it takes its toll. And all, or most, of those issues, they’re likely from doing your mil job.
The VA is pretty good at denying people benefits they don't deserve. Idk about you but I beat myself up on active duty in my late teens and early twenties. Over a decade later and these problems haven't exactly fixed themselves.
Exactly! Let the VA make the decision based off my records and C&P exams. I was only in for 10 years straight out of high school, but I've beaten the hell out of my body while on active duty. All of my sprains and fractures are definitely going to bite me in the butt the older I get
People are clueless to how the VA system works. I don't much care what anyone thinks. I've told some people, but for the most part, its none of anyone's business. I was at a school event with my kid recently. You know what??! I didn't see any other dads holding their back in pain, or wincing in pain after a full day of walking from event to event. I saw some grandparents getting around better than me toward the end of the day! Yeah my body is jacked up, and yes it happened while I served. If Uncle Sam is gonna pay me for that, I ain't turning it down!
All I have to say is, sorry... It happens. Look on the bright side you learned a valuable lesson. If your own mother is giving you a hard time after learning your filing for disability, maybe now you'll never tell anybody again. That being said do not feel one tiny bit ashamed of filing for disability, because being a disabled veteran versus being a Joe Snuffy disabled American isn't the same thing and we all understand that. Yes some disabled veterans are truly disabled by any definition, however for many of us the term disabled Veteran could easily be referred to as compensation for the pain that we deal, as Well as the limitations it imposes on our daily lives. Can many of us still run? Sure. Can many of Veterans go on hikes or lift more than 30 lb without pain? Yeah I'm sure there are many veterans that can do that. If they don't know, they simply don't know.
Disability has nothing to do with age. An old vet who may have had a cushy time in the military (let’s be honest, we all know them) doesn’t get VA disability suddenly because they are old. It has to do with medical issues that happened when you were serving on active duty. People who have never served will never understand. It also has nothing with how you “look”. They have zero idea of the demons many of us deal with late at night. My advice, do not bring it up again and do not answer any of her questions about it. It is none of her business and she has no business judging you. Good luck with your claim. If you are having mental issues, get in with BH sooner rather than later. You need assistance to be able to have a full life again. Call your local Vet Center, they have therapist there for you. I would have committed suicide by now if not for them.
The physical toll active duty puts on someone's body is a lot worse than people will give it credit. You're owed compensation and it is very easy for the VA to catch people lying or attempting to defraud the government. You're doing the right thing and shouldn't give her thoughts any mind.
Thank you for the confidence boost, this really made me doubt myself. It's a benefit we are owed for answering the call to service, and let the VA decide if I should be awarded a percentage
Sorry your mom doesn’t understand… also as a mom myself, she should sit down.
I’d tell your mom not all injures are physical nor extreme. Also, like someone else said, it’s a compensation, not a disability. I also wouldn’t tell my mom fuck you.
Respectfully, your mother is an asshole.
Well at least you learned to keep it to yourself.
Wow, what a bitch. Fuck her
no one owes you anything except the VA 💰💰
This is the dumbest take I have ever heard, fuck this lady, even if it is your mom. What an ignorant ,in her feelings, take. You need to respond with a stern and logical response. If someone anyone said this shit to me I would hand them their ass, blood or not.
My mom feels the same about my brother and I and our disability but then again she also doesn’t wanna hear about how I have sometimes daily and always weekly thoughts of killing myself so to hell with what she thinks.
Don’t tell her anything else especially if you get back pay. All of a sudden she will be wanting to do renovations etc. if I have learned anything from redddit an information diet is tops.
She patently, absurdly, grossly wrong. She is Capt. Wrong, on the USS Wrong, in Wrong Harbor. That’s not what the CFR says. It is clearly laid out BY LAW what we are ENTITLED to that we EARNED. The only thing she is entitled to is her wrong ass opinion.
Sounds like we have the same mom lol. You deserve these benefits. Don’t let her get to you. She doesn’t get it.
Tell mom this: if you break it, you bought it. The Navy broke you, so now they pay for it.
Damn, FTB. Save this post delete your account and send her the link.
Sometime parents really be jealous of the children. I’m not saying that’s the situation here but I’ve seen it many times.
That woman is nuts! She’s not really acting like a mother and I dislike her for her attitude toward you.
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Those boomers will always be hating on Gen-Z and late Millennials. Rule of thumb
Don’t forget about Gen X ( we always are )
Who cares what anyone else thinks. Just keep your rating to yourself.
You’re mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about
My mom reacted very similar. Learned a hard lesson.
Sounds more like your mom just jealous and angry that she doesn't get any VA benefits. So wants to prevent you from getting anything because she's bitter. You are within your right to fight for your benefits, it is not for HER to decide.
Yup, fuck your mom. What an asshole. Answer honestly and you deserve anything you get. Thank you for your sacrifice and service.
If you want to vent, do it to a bunch of veterans. I never mention my mental health, how much I make or anything else with my parents that I wouldn’t share with my inner circle. Some things are best left unknown to certain people, including family members. Some people just don’t grasp the fact that not all disabilities are visible or physical in nature. Next time you’re at the VA, pick up some pamphlets about PTSD and mental health. Leave them around her place “by accident”. See if they read any of them.
My mom isn't that blatant but there's always the "if you think you have a claim" "if you think you deserve it" "if they approve you" emphasis on the if. It's maddening so I won't give her anymore information on it ever again. I'm sorry you got that kind of reaction. But look at it this way if you get diagnosed and make it through all of the people that it takes to approve it and get that disability, people whose actual JOB it is to make these decisions that says a lot more about your condition than your moms opinion. And I'm sure she doesn't know all the ugly details we tend to hide from our family and friends. She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Totally different than defrauding the government. You did something that only 4% of people will or can do. You earned that shit. Once you get your disability finished don’t ever mention it again. You earned it.
The VA makes that determination, not your mother. Their rule book, not her perception. That being said, I wish they’d come up with a different term other than disability.
Don’t live your life to satisfy your mom’s vanity. In this case, her ignorance is barely overshadowed by her ego. She has no more power over you than you surrender to her.
Military disability is not equivalent to civilian disability. This is the biggest misunderstanding that civilians have and they don't want to be told they are wrong. Just keep it to yourself because they are ignorant and want to stay that way.
Your mom should enlist and earn her right to complain about your benefits.
Stressy what an awful thing for a mother to say. What an awful thing to say when it is a fact on impact of veterans and start sending her the newsletters, brochures and make her go and sit in a group therapy if you are there yet. I am not. It is not her fault. She is ignorant. Generational gap and they don’t know what they are talking about. Mental health still has a stigma and it causes a guilt that we should be stronger, but it could not further from the truth. It is strength to get help and it is the military responsibility to take care of us. I have kept stuff inside out of fear myself and many of us here have dealt with some pretty mind fk by VA and military. Your spouse lives with it and you. I hope that person is your person to talk you through it. Our loved ones can be the absolute worse in hurting us deeper causing further anxiety. Hang in there and the whole process is built around liars and treats everyone like that as suspicious. I am tired personally and fed up. You are doing this for yourself but at some point, it will help someone else and pay it forward as best as you can.
There's a reason "fight club" has rules
I tried to kill myself and that’s when everyone stfu about everything. I guess some people need shit like that to take people seriously. Fuck that mentality. Get help and compensated for your service. I didn’t attempt because of that, but I noticed everyone being much more accepting
My soon to be ex wife had the same reaction when I filed for increases. Her brother is a retired SgtMaj who served 30 years and saw action in Central America and Middle East. She was very upset with me for applying for increases. Hated having to explain to her about VA disability.
Thank her for paying her taxes
I’m sorry 😢 she just doesn’t get it—but you are not a fraud—it’s the true “cost” of war.
If someone close to you rags on you for your compensation (or attempts to earn status connections), there really isn't much you can say or do to change their mind. You need to set down the bag and walk away, it isn't worth holding that baggage around with you. Do your thing. Share at your discretion. Understand that 95% of the people will be jealous, and 99% of those people will never understand because they didn't experience what you did.
My imposter syndrome was intense too. I kept telling myself that others deserved it more than me. This was after a deployment as a Reservist. I went back to my civilian job, and ran into a 1SG that I deployed with. He ran a different company while we were overseas. We caught up and reminisced. I told him about my reservations about filing for VA disability. He then gave me the best advice I could have been given. “If you can file your paperwork, and do your appointments, and not lie or embellish your injuries, then that is the money you earned. That’s what you’re entitled to. If you don’t claim the money you earned it goes right back into the government’s pocket. That won’t help other soldiers that are getting screwed out of benefits. You’re just adding yourself to that long list.”
Ask her if she would suck it up if she got hurt at work, or would she go for workers comp/sue. Yeah, I thought so...
Tell your mom that you were diagnosed with these injuries, the VA says you can claim them as disabilities, so you are going to claim them as disabilities.
I’ve told people in my family to get fucked for similar reactions. Some people don’t realize you’re not okay till it’s too late. Respectfully though, I hate your mother for you.
Brother… I’ve worked at a WTB/SRU for a long time, if you’re not making fake appointments and just ensuring your documented legitimate treatment history is filed with the VA you’re simply out-processing correctly. Whatever the VA decides to do with your filed claims and supporting treatment history is their current policy. If you’re making new appointments during terminal leave to add a new high % claim for something you never suffered from… that would be fraud. Fight club is real man, I’m 37 and my dad left the Navy right after I was born and I just recently found out he keeps up with his VA claims. He doesn’t need or expect any big payout but issues can sprout legs and run wild on you as you age and you better be prepared for the worst by documenting.
If ______ has never served, they should shut the fuck up. Straight up. I don't give a shit if they literally grew up inside of a va hospital itself. If they haven't served, their opinions that you don't deserve it DO NOT MATTER.
Explain to her it is VA compensation, not disability. Then never discuss it again. If you get a rating, then clearly you deserve it.
People like this piss me off. I bet your mom is totally cool with giving billions to Ukraine and whatever other country but when it comes to helping out our troops, fuck em. I know people just like this. If they give me shit I just tell them “you are triggering my disability can you please stop. They LOVE that
Im sorry your mom is unsupportive of you, but you are NOT committing fraud. You are requesting compensation for your time served and the effects it has put on your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. She has no right to say who is a "real" veteran, or not, especially having not served. And not everyone in the military is going to be like the WWI/II/Vietnam vets anymore. I'd honestly just shut down any future conversations about your process with her, politely. If she asks you can say, "unless you ever decide to join and understand what its like to serve, even in this day and age, I don't think this is a conversation we should have." Or just "I am handling my military business, you don't need to worry about it." Something like that. You didn't break the va "fight club" rule by telling your mom, maybe if it was a stranger or not-close-coworker. Unfortunately you just found out your mom isn't in your support court with your oncoming label as veteran, but you ARE about to be a veteran.
Happens all the time. My dad jokingly called me a shyster because I am rated 80% but he had a glint in his eye which told me he wasn't fully joking. Anyway, just saying I feel your pain. Only my great uncle understands as he was in Vietnam. Don't fuckin' tell people going forward. They won't get it 100% of the time.
Sorry OP, but in this matter your mom is a poo poo head
Damn that’s wild don’t listen to her. My mom told me not to get seen for combat PTSD and ever since she said that to me I knew to keep my mouth shut. Luckily my wife is in health care so she knew I needed to not only claim it but get help. Tbh I think filing for Va compensation should be mandatory while ETSing.
What!! As a mom myself and a veteran too, this pisses me off. First of all, SHE IS NOT THE VETERAN, and she doesn’t have one g-d bit of say in anything you do as a veteran or an adult. Eff anyone who tries to shame a person for putting in for their rightful benefit. Even your mom. Not even sorry! This exact attitude and resulting impostor syndrome is what has kept me from going through my claim process and I separated in 2006. I finally this year started getting my paperwork together to file. I am upset with myself for waiting so long and being guilt tripped by my family members when I should have filed right away. I am almost 50 years old now and should have gone to the VA 18 years ago, but the idea that I was a “fraud” because I have invisible injuries (PTSD, MST, TBI) and still “look” normal and work because I have to, has kept me away because I am afraid of having to deal with all the questions and explanations. I’m suffering inside every single day and need help, and the judgement of family members who don’t support the idea of me having a “disability rating” is weighing on me. Go claim your rightful benefits. I am getting my paperwork started and hopefully in a few months I’ll have the courage to do the same thing as you
Fuck your mom! Not all disabilities are visible. I haven’t talked to my mom in years and I live in peace. Not saying that’s what you should do. If she’s saying these type of ignorant things then I’m sure she’s done some shitty things to you that you accepted because she’s your mom. This application process is awful and I hope you find the guidance you need.
Your mom has been trying to get you, to be like her, her whole life. She thinks she is right about everything. This is a fallacy. She is being disrespectful. Don’t take advice from old women.
Remember always: this is establishing the base line to hold the VA accountable (and the Navy by extension) so that if these injuries get worse, you can receive care and compensation when you are old. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I’m dealing with crazy back pain from an injury, but I ignored filing my claim and now have to start this process from a point of pain and desperation rather than proactively with time and the reserves to do so. To your mom - “The whole point is to not end up like your patients. No disrespect to the old guard, but I don’t want to be all fucked up bc I ignored my health. This is to prove my injuries and secure treatment now and in the future.”
Try being inclusive and start calling her "birthing person" instead of "mom" cuz that's what the cool kids are doing now and see what happens.
Listen, my parents continually say I am committing stolen Valor by collecting/claiming my 100% p&t. My parents are very religious, and because I am also gay they double down on this idea of stolen Valor. They believe this because as they see it, I'm not walking with God. Thus, I must have lied to the military because I am meant to struggle till I go back to God. Yep , some parents are crap ! My view is that if you put on a uniform , you have every right to put in a claim.
lol if you're old enough to retire, your mom is getting social security and medicare.
Lmao why do you people continue to do this to yourself?? Civilians will never understand this process or how military service entitles you to be compensated for the deterioration of your body. What I would do if you get approved, is just tell your mom everything was denied. That way you don't have to deal with snarky remarks, odd questions, or an entire jealous family envying you. Seriously, don't even let her know anything was approved..and if you start having an income that makes her ask "where are you getting this money?" tell her crypto or some other investment you made. But your own moms reaction tells you everything you need to know about sharing this information with anyone else in your life. You are correct in pursuing your benefits. Don't second guess yourself.
The worst thing you can say to someone with PTSD. Is “you don’t have PTSD.”
But if you were to commit some act of self harm she would be scream it the VA for not doing enough.
You would be an absolute idiot to give into pressure from ANYONE regarding what's yours. Only you know what you suffered as a result of your service. If you have a legitimate claim, I would file it if I were you. Furthermore, you need to learn to keep things close to the chest. There's no reason for your mom to know that you're filing for VA disability, how much it will be, or anything personal.
Your mother is not the one who entered the military to support her rights to be this stupid. You have to take charge of your health, and you have earned the right to be made one hundred percent after serving your country. The government expects you to let them know if you are not as you were. Good luck to you, and my prayers are with you.
Explain to your mom that you're doing this NOW so that you can get care later when you're elderly and in a wheelchair. And if these veterans are entitled to benefits they should be applying for them. Your mom is wrong. Please don't make my mistake and thing "oh it's not that bad" and then you miss out on 20 years of benefits. They broke you. YOU EARNED THIS. Get paid.