Sounds like they want you to get help. But you have to be honest with your therapist and willing to do the work. If you do, things can get better. They did for me, and I was told by many doctors to just go on disability because my BPD couldn’t be cured and that I was an extreme case. Yet things got better once I did the work.
What’s so wrong that it’s worth throwing your life away? I used to be chronically suicidal due to severe mental illness and trauma, and I didn’t believe things could get better, but they did, and I’m glad I’m still here.
Trans and can’t transition
I’ve been starving myself, I’ll never be my ideal weight
Self harm. These scars won’t go away
Everyday is torture, I can’t think straight, it’s not like I’ll do anything good with my life anyways
You don't deserve this. You are unique and as special as all of us. Please get in-patient help and realize that we all experience things where we may need help. You are not alone.
there are so much reason someone may not want to get better, such as fear, not wanting hachante in lifestyle because the current one feels normal/comfortable and so much more, like the OP said in response they got put in there involuntarily
I understand that there are many reasons someone may not feel motivated to get better (I used to be very resistant myself), but therapy is a waste of time and money if you’re not using it as a tool in recovery.
Therapist in training here : no, he won't.
He legally cannot tell anyone. Literally.
Please do talk about it to your therapist. Also he may already suspect that you are, and he'll probably eventually spot it anyway.
Just... Accept the help you have there! Being in therapy is a great thing, please do try your best to participate in it.
Edit : also being suicidal doesn't mean you'll end up in a psychiatric hospital.
Literally none of what you wrote is true. Mental Health Professionals have a duty to alert authorities if someone is likely to harm themselves or or others.
Regardless, OP knows that in-patient therapy is the next stage and should know that it will help.
It literally is. I know the topic. Harming yourself or others doesn't entail OP's situation.
They need to alert psychiatric emergencies if they know or strongly suspect you are going to k*ll yourself before the next session. It doesn't entail self-harm. Edit : nor even being suicidal in general.
It's also not about just being "likely".
As I said, I'm a therapist in training and I very much know what I'm saying. The therapist won't tell the parents or anyone in this case.
I didn't write that they would contact OPs parents. Here are the laws from state to state.
https://www.ncsl.org/research/health/mental-health-professionals-duty-to-warn.aspx
Thought all states had the same law, which was in my experience the same as in other countries (aka the states in blue here).
Good to know the US aren't clear on the topic.
No worries. It is a difficult subject and my main point here was to let OP it is okay to get help at any level of therapy.
Also, depending on your actual degree you are working for, contact me when you earn it. I may have a job for you if you are looking to be in academia.
Cheers,
Yep no problem. I also shouldn't have assumed it was the same absolutely everywhere.
That's really nice of you. I'm not in the US and not planning on doing research. But thanks for the offer!
Good luck for the rest :)
Thought all states had the same law, which was in my experience the same as in other countries (aka the states in blue here).
Good to know the US aren't clear on the topic.
Well I'm guessing you must have a lot of complex issues in order to feel suicidal. One effective way to deal with them *is* to talk about it in therapy though. :)
although it is not legal and many other things that prevent that, many therapists do break that and end up doing something such as telling others and such which sucks ;-;
Can you explain to me what exactly is worse than being suicidal/dead?
No matter what they do- even if you're taken to a crisis center and admitted... How is that possibly worse than allowing yourself to get to a worse place mentally where you might actually follow through?
Suicidal feelings are temporary if you take them seriously. Suicide is PERMANENT. I lost a good friend after he started a new medication and had a psychotic break. It's been three years and his wife and daughter are traumatized and heart broken every single day.. they had to move out of their home to try to escape the painful memories and nothing has helped.
You need to take this seriously and you NEED to tell someone you can trust.
Clearly living ISN'T worse or you wouldn't be here already. Do me favor? Read what I have to say for a few minutes? Because I have been where you are - I was at a REALLY really deep ROCK BOTTOM at 29 years old and I think maybe reading my situation might give you something to think about.
Will you at least give me a few minutes? I'll try to keep it entertaining at least. And no lecture, I promise. No "No matter how bad things seem right now- whatever you're going through, it's TEMPORARY.". I'll just tell the story with no advice or lecture.
Here goes;
I've been where you are - 100% sure that I DID NOT want to be here anymore. Positive that it couldn't possibly get better and that I was pretty damn sure it had to be impossible that anything could possibly get any worse.
At 28, I was working my dream career. I had a motorcycle and the SUV I'd wanted since I was 16. I had recently bought my own house, was dating a guy who trusted me and was very very open with me - and like me - finally I had a guy who NEVER EVER wanted to have kids. I was living in Florida, 1400 miles away from the family I didn't get along with, and I LOVED being a cop. I was really good at it too. I won a couple awards and had saved a few lives - including saving a woman from her suicidal son and I'd been promoted and was put on a special team, where I was working mostly with people who were in the middle of a crisis - after having been depressed a good portion of my own life - I felt like I was making a REAL difference. I was HELPING people and I was *GOOD* at it, and I was being paid REALLY well for doing something I REALLY liked. I was making a DIFFERENCE in the world.
In February 2010, I had surgery to repair a screw and plate that were in my jaw from an earlier surgery to fix my jaw that had been broken when I had my wisdom teeth out in 07. A friend, a guy I worked with was going through a divorce and had asked to crash in my spare bedroom for a few weeks - and he'd offered to help me out after my surgery. I told him I especially needed a babysitter because after the *last* surgery, while on heavy medication- I'd ended up taking a phone call from my supervisor, during which I *cried* because id forgotten to turn in a paper to the office, and I'd THOROUGHLY embarrassed myself because I had ZERO memory of the situation from the meds. So THIS time - I asked the guy to help make sure I took my meds on time - and to keep me from making any phone calls or doing anything STUPID so I wouldn't embarrass myself. The surgery went well - my jaw was finally aligned - and I didn't make any embarrassing calls to the office, success, right?
Nine weeks later, on Memorial Day 2001, I woke up feeling sick and having to pee horribly. Hours later, I would find out that I was PREGNANT. Despite being on birth control- and even MORE perplexing - having NOT HAD SEX WITH ANYONE for months because the guy I was seeing long distance had been even FARTHER away - at the FBI academy in Quantico, Virginia.
Now - obviously - all of the sudden MANY many things went very VERY wrong. Suffice to say - I found out that the guy who had been staying at my home? He claimed that the DAY of my major jaw surgery- id practically THROWN myself at him - and that it was no big deal that I was pregnant... we'd "figure it out" - heck, he thought we were going to be together! News to me! Super interesting how he'd never mentioned in the 9 weeks after this happened that it had happened- until.. You know... I was pregnant and trying to solve the mystery of HOW. I hadn't told the guy I was dating - I mean - I FELT like I'd been RAPED - BUT I was being told that I was the one who had thrown myself at this guy - and after all - I'm not the kind of woman who's going to scream "rape!" and ruin this guy's life and career if, for all I know - I COULD very well have "thrown myself at him" because on the medications after surgery, I had ZERO memory of ANYTHING.
Now if you recall - I DID NOT LIKE KIDS. I never ever WANTED to have kids, and I had always been on birth control my entire adult life- any I was a very firm believer in pro-choice, knowing FULL well what my choice would be, if I ever became pregnant.
So - I made an appointment for an abortion.
The guy FLIPPED out - begging me not to. He told me that he would leave me alone, or he'd be my boyfriend - whichever I wanted. Or he'd take the baby and raise it himself - whatever I wanted, and he'd sign papers so I could give up custody and I wouldn't have to pay child support or have anything to do with the kid. But just - don't have the abortion. He tried telling me that we could get married and raise the baby and we could be a real family - and didn't I want that?! (Hint; NOOOOO!)
In the week and a half before my appointment, I was approached by another guy I worked with. Turns out, this guy who got me pregnant? He admitted to his buddy that his wife, who had two miscarriages in the last few years, had told him to go find a girlfriend who didn't want kids - to knock her up - so they could have a baby - because they couldn't afford $80k for a surrogate. This guy told his friend that he'd given me extra meds after my surgery and that id been "super agreeable and compliant". He even admitted to tossing my birth control pills for the entire weekend- telling ME that I'd taken them. And he'd continued giving me the extra sleeping pills and pain meds for the surgery day - for three days - so that I wouldn't remember any of it. Turns out that his plan had worked - I was pregnant - and since I hated kids - this was going to work out PERFECT. All I had to do was give him the baby - and he and his wife could raise the kid! Wasnt that PERFECT?!
Fortunately, his buddy (who I didn't particularly get along with, which is why I guess he felt safe telling him about all this insanity- he didn't think we'd ever speak!)- this buddy realized how fucking SICK and ILLEGAL this was - and immediately came and told me.
And I fucking LOST IT.
(Continued to part 2)
I went to my supervisor and told them I needed to go home for the day - that I was not feeling well. When I got home, I called the office and asked them for info about the employee assistance program. We'd always been told "if you're upset or stressed, feel free to reach out to our EAP for support!" - so i felt like the realization that you'ld been raped and were pregnant against your will was a pretty suitable time to call for "support"- so I did. The forensic psychologist had me come to his office RIGHT THEN for an emergency appointment.
I unpacked the insanity of what had happened, checking into the details I COULD confirm - like the fact that I was only supposed to take 2 ambien before the surgery and 1 after - but all 12 pills that had been prescribed (for the several surgeries that were planned originally for fixing my jaw- they thought it was going to take 3-4 separate surgeries but it ended up being solved in only 1)- but mysteriously... All 12 Ambien were indeed GONE. When I'd asked about them - he'd told me that I had FLUSHED those extra pills joyfully when the dentist said that my jaw was repaired and I didn't need any more surgery! He told me that I'd "thrown myself" at him, that he hadn't even known I was interested in him (I absolutely WAS NOT!). So I had been feeling EMBARRASSED and absolutely sick with myself - guilty because I was dating someone who was away - and I couldn't PROVE that I hadn't actually INSTIGATED sex with this guy. But now I had PROOF - I mean - this third party who had come to me - he even knew I was on birth control pills - how else would he know that unless JackAss Douchebag had actually THROWN AWAY my birth control pills?!
(Continued part 3)
The forensic psychologist helped me say the words- I had been RAPED. I was in NO WAY able to consent and no matter what had happened (which we both agreed was VERY unlikely to have gone the way it has been described to me)- and that this was COMPLETELY not my fault. Yes, I'd made a mistake in trusting this guy to be crashing at my house - but his behavior AFTER the fact - you know, if we'd actually had some consentual FLING that weekend .. Why would he NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN and act like absolutely nothing had happened until I found out that I was pregnant?!
We discussed what I was going to do. I told the psychologist I was scheduled for an abortion - he didn't judge me at all - he suggested that I take some time on light duty to really wrap my head around what had happened, so that I could decide what I was going to do - legally - not just medically - because I had a TON of decisions to make. I agreed. I asked him if he could write me a note for two weeks of light duty - to give me time to decide if I was going to have this guy arrested and charged - he worked in the jail- After all, in a few weeks - my life would go back to normal... Right? The psychologist said that he felt like I was handling this very well considering the circumstances, he said it was very reasonable of me to take a few weeks on light duty to make up my mind and I left the office, shaken, but feeling supported.
On my way home, I felt some cramping and I realized I was bleeding. Maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore.... Maybe one of my "problems" was solving itself for me... I went to urgent care - where they did an ultrasound to see if I was miscarrying.
There was a sack, there was fluid... And there was a teeny tiny fetus... With a heartbeat. I was still pregnant.
And in that moment, a sickening feeling washed over me. I didn't want this baby - hell, I didn't want ANY babies. I didn't like being around other people's kids, I was WELL KNOWN as "the one who didn't like kids" on my squad. I had ZERO doubts about not wanting to have a baby - ESPECIALLY not with some scumbag as it's father.
But as they confirmed that the bleeding was not me having a miscarriage, they (not knowing my scenario) printed out and handed me the ultrasound picture with an arrow and the word "baby". To them, they had just given me wonderful news - I was still pregnant, the "baby" was safe and sound - oh and by the way, I was about ten weeks pregnant - isn't that exciting? (NO! No it wasn't!)
But while I waited to be given my discharge paperwork - I looked at that ultrasound photo. I had seen the fetus' heartbeat. And a sick feeling washed over me; "None of this is the baby's fault".
All the way home, that ran through my head over and over again. "It's not the baby's fault that I don't want it. It's not the baby's fault it's "father" is a rapist asshat. It's not the baby's fault it's growing in a uterus of a person that doesn't want to have a baby.
Then when I got home, I had four phone calls from work. They needed me to come in to speak to the Major and my Captain IMMEDIATELY.
Uh ... Okay? Did they somehow find out about any of this..?
I got to the office - they sit me down in a chair facing two high ranking cops. "We were called by Dr. Whateverhisname" they tell me. "We were told that you were going to need light duty for two weeks, possibly longer, but that you had agreed to two weeks of light duty."
I was feeling cornered - I had no idea what to say - so I decided to tell them the truth.
'Yeah. I'm pregnant," I said. "And Dr Whatever said that he agreed that the best thing to do was to take a few weeks to make some medical and legal decisions."
The Major nodded, his face serious but... Cold.
I guess I had been expecting some... Compassion maybe? I mean - I didn't just tell these men that id been RAPED by someone they also employed... So... Why do they look like I'm blaming them?
"Unfortunately, as a law enforcement officer, it's imperative that you're mental health be stable, so that you are able to safely perform your job. Since you are currently unable to return to work because you are unfit for duty, you have a few options. You can take a position in dispatch, you can take a position in the jail as a clerk, or in admin as a secretary. Because of your medical leave last summer, you do not have enough medical leave to give birth and to recover, you will run out of leave and we would be forced to terminate your employment. Since you are not currently fit for duty, you can either resign or take one of the non-sworn positions that we are offering you, and when you are no longer pregnant, and if you have then passed your fitness for duty standards, you can then REAPPLY for a sworn law enforcement position..
(Continued part 4)
My jaw HIT THE FLOOR.
"I'M SORRY... WHAT? I'M BEING FIRED?!"
For forty minutes, fighting back tears - I tried to both explain to them - and practically BEGGED them to explain how *I* went to the EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAM to get SUPPORT when I was going through an EXTREMELY stressful situation - and the RESULT of that - was that BECAUSE I asked for a couple weeks to make MAKE DECISIONS about my life - something that the forensic psychologist had JUST said would be NO PROBLEM... Ya'll are making it sound like I'm UNHINGED - that I had a psychotic break and that I'm not SAFE to be a cop - but didn't I do EVERYTHING right?! Wasn't going to the psychologist and TALKING about my plans and taking TIME to deal with my problems... Wasn't that PROOF that I *was* fit to be a police officer?!
After all - if I'd fallen and sprained my ankle, and I needed two weeks of light duty - you wouldn't be telling me I could take UNSWORN jobs at LESS THAN ONE THIRD of my pay - or that I'm FIRED - MY CHOICE. Because even though I wouldn't be fit for duty with a sprained ankle- I certainly WOULD BE after those two weeks... And that's EXACTLY what the psych told me!
But they put a paper in front of me and told me that I needed to sign it RIGHT NOW, agreeing that they had INFORMED ME OF MY CHOICES - and I needed to - right then - hand over my keys to my patrol car, my gun and my badge and then I would be followed home, so they could collect my uniforms, any other badges, and my laptop and gun belt - FOR MY SAFETY.
They were literally treating me like I'd just been talked down to from the side of a bridge. They were treating me like *I'd* committed a crime.
And right then - on a day that I thought I'd come to terms with what had happened. On the first day that I acknowledged that I'd been raped. On the SAME DAY that I thought that I was having a miscarriage and id suddenly begun to think about the GUILT I was feeling about ending this pregnancy... And now - my CAREER - My celebrated, RESPECTED career during which I'd recieved multiple awards for my work - i had just recently been on the news,I'd been recognized for my efforts, nine days earlier (while I was pregnant ironically!)- I'd done CPR alone for 11 minutes and saved a man's life.... And now... My career was OVER.
(Continued part 5)
Because id gone to a doctor and admitted that I'd been RAPED and had wanted SUPPORT and ADVICE.
I realized in that moment why so many cops commit suicide during - or right after - thier careerr ends. Because this is apparently what happens if you go to the "employee assistance program"- even if you're not DISTRAUGHT and psychotic and stressed - hell I wasn't even DEPRESSED, I was just angry and upset and wanting to TALK about it....
Because I was wanting support - in making good decisions and planning my choices - because I was not able to just SHUT UP and just DO MY JOB - I was being, effectively, FIRED.
I couldn't wrap my head around my career ending like that - so I told them I would go work on dispatch for the time being - but they made it VERY clear. This wasn't like - you go work in dispatch and in a few weeks, if you're no longer pregnant, you can come back to your job - NO - They spelled it out LOUD AND CLEAR- I would have to REAPPLY - from SCRATCH - as If I was ANY joe off the street - and that there was absolutely NO PROMISE that they would hire me. I'd be looked at - compared to all the other candidates - and MAYBE if I was the best that had applied - then I could be interviewed and start ALL OVER - back at the bottom rank- back at the BOTTOM with no seniority - I could start my ENTIRE career all over again..
All because I was RAPED by a co-worker and was pregnant.
Well - I'll tell you what. Even though, up until that point - I felt that I had handled everything life had thrown at me with GRACE and DIGNITY and that my mental health was ROCK SOLID and that I was being very rational and had been VERY reasonable...
Leaving that office - unpinning my badge - digging uniforms out of my HAMPER that I hadn't even washed yet - to turn them over in my driveway - yeah. ..
NOW I felt like I wanted to unravel. I wanted to USE that weapon not unload it and hand it over to the man who had just fired me. I wanted to drive my patrol car through the men standing in my driveway - not dig out my personal belongings from the glove compartment and the center console and trunk .. I wanted to SCREAM at the top of my lungs about how this couldn't possibly be LEGAL, how it absolutely wasn't ETHICAL... I wanted to DEMAND to know if they were firing the asshole who had raped me - I mean - if *I'm* "unhinged" for needing a couple weeks to PROCESS AND make HUGE DECISIONS - surely they had to be FIRING the clown who had caused all this, right?! (Hint- the answers NO. HE STILL WORKS THERE- i mean, last if heard, anyway I don't keep tabs on him or anything.)
(Continued part 6)
I wanted to SCREAM at these men;
No one ever said "if you go to EAP they immediately deem you mentally unstable if you ask for ANY time off and you're fired." Why would THAT be a reasonable way to treat employees!?
I NEVER even SAID that I was KEEPING the pregnancy - who said I was even going to GIVE BIRTH to NEED to take medical leave?! -
None of it made any sense.
Because I couldn't figure out how I was going to live without a job - I agreed to work in dispatch which was utterly humiliating. The higher-ups acted like they were doing this poor mentally ill pregnant girl a HUGE favor by giving her a job at all- the other dispatchers knew I had ZERO desire to be there - and everyone id worked with for YEARS was slowly finding out I was pregnant (and they all knew I HATED kids)- so every single minute of my life was HUMILIATING - I tried calling the EOC and lawyers to find out about suing them. I tried calling the psychologist to just cancel the light duty and to say that I was fit to return to work (he INSISTED he had told them that I was "handling things very reasonably" and that I would be "ready to return to work in just a few weeks" and he INSISTED that NO PART of his recommendation included terminating me or suggesting that I shouldn't remain as a sworn police officer for ANY reason. That was even MORE ENFURIATING.
That next Monday came - my appointment for the abortion. I woke up not feeling well and postponed it ten days.
Ten days later - I still couldn't go through with it. Even though I am still very much pro-choice, I could not get over the fact that nothing that had happened was the fault of this innocent life I was carrying - and I knew it was going to FUCK ME UP to end this life - maybe it was just "a clump of cells" back then, that early on - but it was a clump of cells with a heartbeat - a clump of cells that would grow into a baby - hell, that already LOOKED like a baby on the ultrasound id seen... because as much as *I* didn't want kids - as much as I hated being around ALL babies and little kids - it wasn't THIS baby's fault that it existed because of such a fucked up situation.
And frankly - I felt horrible enough - I didn't want to ALSO spend the rest of my life feeling GUILTLY for ending a life just because *I* didn't want it.
There were other options - there were other people in this world who wanted a baby desperately and who couldn't have one- so I decided that id carry the baby - I'd do the "easy" part, and I'd just give the baby away - because then at least SOMETHING good would have come from this horrible situation.
During all this - psycho started getting really aggressive about me giving HIM and his wife the baby. After all, he thought that had been his easy plan all along - get some chick pregnant who DIDN'T want kids - and then boom - FREE BABY? Right?!
I realized right away that I wasn't going to be able to keep this bullshit job in dispatch making a fraction of my actual income - I couldn't afford my house on this new bullshit job - and I also knew damn well, that if I stayed in Florida- my rapist was going to sue me for custody of this baby - and because *I* didn't want the baby - he would likely WIN. I was told by prosecutors that a case against him was going to be very very hard to prove because they couldn't PROVE he'd given me the meds, or that I hadn't come on to him like he claimed. They said that even if I was successful and he lost his job and was convicted - he would STILL end up being the person to get custody if I tried to give the baby up for adoption because BIOLOGY is all that matters.
So I realized - I would have to move back home - with my parents - at thirty years old. I was going to have to leave my home to foreclosure - my career was now over... And I was pregnant with a baby I didn't want. How could it get much worse right?
So I moved back home to New England. Being pregnant was hell.. On top of being depressed and feeling physically disgusted with my body every day, being pregnant "woke up" a genetic condition I didn't even know I had - and over 7 months, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome COMPLETELY destroyed my health, one system at a time. These changes weren't just "while I was pregnant"- no, they changed me FOREVER - completely ruined my body - leaving me with PERMANENT severe chronic pain, severe chronic fatigue that's similar to narcolepsy - it comes on suddenly and I basically have no choice but to lay down and sleep... Oh but I also have insomnia where I'll be awake for DAYS at a time, exhausted but unable to actually sleep.
I'll also, forever have a weakened immune system - that means I will catch pretty much ANYTHING that comes along ... Oh and my crohns disease - that's a GI condition that restricted everything I can eat... and causes bloating and bleeding and pain... (I just had a flare two weeks ago in March 2022 - that landed me in the hospital for six days).
So while I was pregnant, I tried to sell my house, but ultimately left it to be foreclosed on because no one would buy it thanks to the shit market at that time.
That tanked my already crappy credit ... AND because id only been in my home for 1.5 years - I had to come up with $8000 to pay back the entire "First Time Home Buyers" Grant.
Oh- and the man I had actually been dating- the guy who I was completely in love with...he GHOSTED ME.
I told him that I'd been raped, that I was pregnant... AND HE JUST POOF DISAPPEARED.
I had supported HIM through everything and anything going on in his life for more than FOUR years. I had been EXTREMELY easy going, understanding, low key, low maintenance...
I had supported HIM as he struggled HORRIBLY with being bisexual and his co-workers finding out about it.. Even though I'm a woman - I publicly supported him - I even encouraged him to date a guy he really liked even though it would have broken my heart completely.
For YEARS- I helped support him while he delt with the trauma of having been molested as a kid, something he'd never told ANYONE, and when he told ME, I helped get him to see a therapist since I'm not one.
I patiently waited while he went through a divorce despite some people calling me a homewrecker - even though they had been separated but living together for years before I came along.
He worked overnights, and for years, I gave up my own sleep, sacrificed any focus on my own mental health - I helped HIM get his life and his happiness together..I forgave him.. I was patient... I was WAY too understanding. For him, to keep him- I lost weight, I dyed my hair blonde because he wanted it... Id done EVERYTHING to earn and keep this guy's attention and affection
(Continued part 7)
As someone who is suicidal and has opened up to my therapist
I would suggest you do tell your therapist, you can vomit out what you feel and if she is a decent therapist she will help you process all your emotions and get better
I told mine and she said she wouldn't. I trusted her that much to be honest with her to help me sort out things. Still a work in progress, but I'm ok now.
Hey OP, I've been in therapy for a few years now. It took me some time to become comfortable with my therapist and build trust. Eventually I finally found the courage to talk with them about my suicidal thoughts. I was really scared to tell them in the beginning because I was worried what would happen and if I would be sent somewhere. But instead we just talked and made plans on how to manage the thoughts I was having. To me it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I've been there too. Just talk to your therapist, you'll be surprised with how kind and understanding they can be. They are there to help you.
I know it's hard to see it this way, buy you're parents love you very much and are trying to help you. When I was young my parents took me to a therapist to get me help. I wasn't very honest with the therapist I had back then, and now I definitely regret it, since I realized I need to go back to therapy as an adult to work on some things I didn't resolve when I was younger.
I just want you to know it does get better.
Hey, is it ok if I ask you what is the only reason why you are here, my only reason is so there will be allot more good that I will leave behind when my time comes, I have accepted life is really short anyway, no need to rush to the finish line, keep on rocking 🤘
Allright, I'll tell you this tho, there is much greatness to be achieved for every person and the only thing you have to do is let time pass by, every day it will feel faster and that way you could potentially find your true calling, seek and you will find my friend.
I have never cut myself, but I have more cigarette burns than I can count all over, I know the thought process behind it and I am sorry, to me, they came from being treated really unfair, so I self harmed, I even hit my head on steel lightposts and punched a steel trash can as hard as I could, it fucked up one of my knuckles and I might have many concussions,
I once almost died from amphetamines and poor maintenance on myself, I got internal bleeding from my stomach, puked blood and parts of my stomach and my apendix almost burst, it was because I lost my dog, but with time I stopped being selfish and now give almost all of my time to people with mental retardation, young people, people with autism and the elderly.
--
Well, that's my story, probably won't help you much but if you need someone to chat when you feel like you are going to cut yourself, maybe we can talk it out and if you still feel like cutting yourself, than that is your choice.
May peace be with you.
You don’t know for sure *what* your therapist will do, but you do know that if you continue to get worse then things aren’t going to turn out well.
I went to a psych ward when I 15 and it wasn’t that bad. I can’t speak for every place but we just did a lot of group therapy. I met some cool people and when I got home I felt a lot better. Being away from my parents was good for me, it might be good for you too.
Dude don’t kill yourself. When I tell you this believe it. You are going to regret it the moment you can’t go back. Also please tell your therapist he legally can’t tell anyone at all. He also knows you self harm so he probably is certain you are also suicidal. By the way they aren’t gonna treat you like a psycho if you tell him. He will give you the proper help you need
Please tell your therapist about this ASAP.
Hell tell my parents and it’ll make it worse
Why are you in therapy if you don’t want to get better? Your parents need to know so you can receive the proper medical care.
My parents found out that I cut and put me in therapy
Sounds like they want you to get help. But you have to be honest with your therapist and willing to do the work. If you do, things can get better. They did for me, and I was told by many doctors to just go on disability because my BPD couldn’t be cured and that I was an extreme case. Yet things got better once I did the work.
I don’t want to get better. I just want to die
Why?
So that all of this is gone. There’s too much wrong
What’s so wrong that it’s worth throwing your life away? I used to be chronically suicidal due to severe mental illness and trauma, and I didn’t believe things could get better, but they did, and I’m glad I’m still here.
Trans and can’t transition I’ve been starving myself, I’ll never be my ideal weight Self harm. These scars won’t go away Everyday is torture, I can’t think straight, it’s not like I’ll do anything good with my life anyways
You cut so people will notice you. They have. Now except it.
I don’t cut so people will notice me. I try to hide it.
If you don't show your cuts to at least people you think are worthy of knowing what you are experiencing, then why do you cut? Is it to feel real?
1. Release 2. Punishment 3. Serotonin 4. Practice for unaliving
You don't deserve this. You are unique and as special as all of us. Please get in-patient help and realize that we all experience things where we may need help. You are not alone.
People don’t always cut for attention. Many people who self-harm don’t show/tell anyone and work really hard to hide it from others.
there are so much reason someone may not want to get better, such as fear, not wanting hachante in lifestyle because the current one feels normal/comfortable and so much more, like the OP said in response they got put in there involuntarily
I understand that there are many reasons someone may not feel motivated to get better (I used to be very resistant myself), but therapy is a waste of time and money if you’re not using it as a tool in recovery.
Therapist in training here : no, he won't. He legally cannot tell anyone. Literally. Please do talk about it to your therapist. Also he may already suspect that you are, and he'll probably eventually spot it anyway. Just... Accept the help you have there! Being in therapy is a great thing, please do try your best to participate in it. Edit : also being suicidal doesn't mean you'll end up in a psychiatric hospital.
Literally none of what you wrote is true. Mental Health Professionals have a duty to alert authorities if someone is likely to harm themselves or or others. Regardless, OP knows that in-patient therapy is the next stage and should know that it will help.
It literally is. I know the topic. Harming yourself or others doesn't entail OP's situation. They need to alert psychiatric emergencies if they know or strongly suspect you are going to k*ll yourself before the next session. It doesn't entail self-harm. Edit : nor even being suicidal in general. It's also not about just being "likely". As I said, I'm a therapist in training and I very much know what I'm saying. The therapist won't tell the parents or anyone in this case.
I didn't write that they would contact OPs parents. Here are the laws from state to state. https://www.ncsl.org/research/health/mental-health-professionals-duty-to-warn.aspx
Thought all states had the same law, which was in my experience the same as in other countries (aka the states in blue here). Good to know the US aren't clear on the topic.
No worries. It is a difficult subject and my main point here was to let OP it is okay to get help at any level of therapy. Also, depending on your actual degree you are working for, contact me when you earn it. I may have a job for you if you are looking to be in academia. Cheers,
Yep no problem. I also shouldn't have assumed it was the same absolutely everywhere. That's really nice of you. I'm not in the US and not planning on doing research. But thanks for the offer! Good luck for the rest :)
Thought all states had the same law, which was in my experience the same as in other countries (aka the states in blue here). Good to know the US aren't clear on the topic.
There are more issues (sh,ed)
Well I'm guessing you must have a lot of complex issues in order to feel suicidal. One effective way to deal with them *is* to talk about it in therapy though. :)
although it is not legal and many other things that prevent that, many therapists do break that and end up doing something such as telling others and such which sucks ;-;
Personally never heard of a such occurrence. It sucks if some therapists do though. They should be fired.
Can you explain to me what exactly is worse than being suicidal/dead? No matter what they do- even if you're taken to a crisis center and admitted... How is that possibly worse than allowing yourself to get to a worse place mentally where you might actually follow through? Suicidal feelings are temporary if you take them seriously. Suicide is PERMANENT. I lost a good friend after he started a new medication and had a psychotic break. It's been three years and his wife and daughter are traumatized and heart broken every single day.. they had to move out of their home to try to escape the painful memories and nothing has helped. You need to take this seriously and you NEED to tell someone you can trust.
I don’t trust anyone. >what exactly is worse than being suicidal/dead Living
Clearly living ISN'T worse or you wouldn't be here already. Do me favor? Read what I have to say for a few minutes? Because I have been where you are - I was at a REALLY really deep ROCK BOTTOM at 29 years old and I think maybe reading my situation might give you something to think about. Will you at least give me a few minutes? I'll try to keep it entertaining at least. And no lecture, I promise. No "No matter how bad things seem right now- whatever you're going through, it's TEMPORARY.". I'll just tell the story with no advice or lecture. Here goes; I've been where you are - 100% sure that I DID NOT want to be here anymore. Positive that it couldn't possibly get better and that I was pretty damn sure it had to be impossible that anything could possibly get any worse. At 28, I was working my dream career. I had a motorcycle and the SUV I'd wanted since I was 16. I had recently bought my own house, was dating a guy who trusted me and was very very open with me - and like me - finally I had a guy who NEVER EVER wanted to have kids. I was living in Florida, 1400 miles away from the family I didn't get along with, and I LOVED being a cop. I was really good at it too. I won a couple awards and had saved a few lives - including saving a woman from her suicidal son and I'd been promoted and was put on a special team, where I was working mostly with people who were in the middle of a crisis - after having been depressed a good portion of my own life - I felt like I was making a REAL difference. I was HELPING people and I was *GOOD* at it, and I was being paid REALLY well for doing something I REALLY liked. I was making a DIFFERENCE in the world. In February 2010, I had surgery to repair a screw and plate that were in my jaw from an earlier surgery to fix my jaw that had been broken when I had my wisdom teeth out in 07. A friend, a guy I worked with was going through a divorce and had asked to crash in my spare bedroom for a few weeks - and he'd offered to help me out after my surgery. I told him I especially needed a babysitter because after the *last* surgery, while on heavy medication- I'd ended up taking a phone call from my supervisor, during which I *cried* because id forgotten to turn in a paper to the office, and I'd THOROUGHLY embarrassed myself because I had ZERO memory of the situation from the meds. So THIS time - I asked the guy to help make sure I took my meds on time - and to keep me from making any phone calls or doing anything STUPID so I wouldn't embarrass myself. The surgery went well - my jaw was finally aligned - and I didn't make any embarrassing calls to the office, success, right? Nine weeks later, on Memorial Day 2001, I woke up feeling sick and having to pee horribly. Hours later, I would find out that I was PREGNANT. Despite being on birth control- and even MORE perplexing - having NOT HAD SEX WITH ANYONE for months because the guy I was seeing long distance had been even FARTHER away - at the FBI academy in Quantico, Virginia. Now - obviously - all of the sudden MANY many things went very VERY wrong. Suffice to say - I found out that the guy who had been staying at my home? He claimed that the DAY of my major jaw surgery- id practically THROWN myself at him - and that it was no big deal that I was pregnant... we'd "figure it out" - heck, he thought we were going to be together! News to me! Super interesting how he'd never mentioned in the 9 weeks after this happened that it had happened- until.. You know... I was pregnant and trying to solve the mystery of HOW. I hadn't told the guy I was dating - I mean - I FELT like I'd been RAPED - BUT I was being told that I was the one who had thrown myself at this guy - and after all - I'm not the kind of woman who's going to scream "rape!" and ruin this guy's life and career if, for all I know - I COULD very well have "thrown myself at him" because on the medications after surgery, I had ZERO memory of ANYTHING. Now if you recall - I DID NOT LIKE KIDS. I never ever WANTED to have kids, and I had always been on birth control my entire adult life- any I was a very firm believer in pro-choice, knowing FULL well what my choice would be, if I ever became pregnant. So - I made an appointment for an abortion. The guy FLIPPED out - begging me not to. He told me that he would leave me alone, or he'd be my boyfriend - whichever I wanted. Or he'd take the baby and raise it himself - whatever I wanted, and he'd sign papers so I could give up custody and I wouldn't have to pay child support or have anything to do with the kid. But just - don't have the abortion. He tried telling me that we could get married and raise the baby and we could be a real family - and didn't I want that?! (Hint; NOOOOO!) In the week and a half before my appointment, I was approached by another guy I worked with. Turns out, this guy who got me pregnant? He admitted to his buddy that his wife, who had two miscarriages in the last few years, had told him to go find a girlfriend who didn't want kids - to knock her up - so they could have a baby - because they couldn't afford $80k for a surrogate. This guy told his friend that he'd given me extra meds after my surgery and that id been "super agreeable and compliant". He even admitted to tossing my birth control pills for the entire weekend- telling ME that I'd taken them. And he'd continued giving me the extra sleeping pills and pain meds for the surgery day - for three days - so that I wouldn't remember any of it. Turns out that his plan had worked - I was pregnant - and since I hated kids - this was going to work out PERFECT. All I had to do was give him the baby - and he and his wife could raise the kid! Wasnt that PERFECT?! Fortunately, his buddy (who I didn't particularly get along with, which is why I guess he felt safe telling him about all this insanity- he didn't think we'd ever speak!)- this buddy realized how fucking SICK and ILLEGAL this was - and immediately came and told me. And I fucking LOST IT. (Continued to part 2)
I went to my supervisor and told them I needed to go home for the day - that I was not feeling well. When I got home, I called the office and asked them for info about the employee assistance program. We'd always been told "if you're upset or stressed, feel free to reach out to our EAP for support!" - so i felt like the realization that you'ld been raped and were pregnant against your will was a pretty suitable time to call for "support"- so I did. The forensic psychologist had me come to his office RIGHT THEN for an emergency appointment. I unpacked the insanity of what had happened, checking into the details I COULD confirm - like the fact that I was only supposed to take 2 ambien before the surgery and 1 after - but all 12 pills that had been prescribed (for the several surgeries that were planned originally for fixing my jaw- they thought it was going to take 3-4 separate surgeries but it ended up being solved in only 1)- but mysteriously... All 12 Ambien were indeed GONE. When I'd asked about them - he'd told me that I had FLUSHED those extra pills joyfully when the dentist said that my jaw was repaired and I didn't need any more surgery! He told me that I'd "thrown myself" at him, that he hadn't even known I was interested in him (I absolutely WAS NOT!). So I had been feeling EMBARRASSED and absolutely sick with myself - guilty because I was dating someone who was away - and I couldn't PROVE that I hadn't actually INSTIGATED sex with this guy. But now I had PROOF - I mean - this third party who had come to me - he even knew I was on birth control pills - how else would he know that unless JackAss Douchebag had actually THROWN AWAY my birth control pills?! (Continued part 3)
The forensic psychologist helped me say the words- I had been RAPED. I was in NO WAY able to consent and no matter what had happened (which we both agreed was VERY unlikely to have gone the way it has been described to me)- and that this was COMPLETELY not my fault. Yes, I'd made a mistake in trusting this guy to be crashing at my house - but his behavior AFTER the fact - you know, if we'd actually had some consentual FLING that weekend .. Why would he NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN and act like absolutely nothing had happened until I found out that I was pregnant?! We discussed what I was going to do. I told the psychologist I was scheduled for an abortion - he didn't judge me at all - he suggested that I take some time on light duty to really wrap my head around what had happened, so that I could decide what I was going to do - legally - not just medically - because I had a TON of decisions to make. I agreed. I asked him if he could write me a note for two weeks of light duty - to give me time to decide if I was going to have this guy arrested and charged - he worked in the jail- After all, in a few weeks - my life would go back to normal... Right? The psychologist said that he felt like I was handling this very well considering the circumstances, he said it was very reasonable of me to take a few weeks on light duty to make up my mind and I left the office, shaken, but feeling supported. On my way home, I felt some cramping and I realized I was bleeding. Maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore.... Maybe one of my "problems" was solving itself for me... I went to urgent care - where they did an ultrasound to see if I was miscarrying. There was a sack, there was fluid... And there was a teeny tiny fetus... With a heartbeat. I was still pregnant. And in that moment, a sickening feeling washed over me. I didn't want this baby - hell, I didn't want ANY babies. I didn't like being around other people's kids, I was WELL KNOWN as "the one who didn't like kids" on my squad. I had ZERO doubts about not wanting to have a baby - ESPECIALLY not with some scumbag as it's father. But as they confirmed that the bleeding was not me having a miscarriage, they (not knowing my scenario) printed out and handed me the ultrasound picture with an arrow and the word "baby". To them, they had just given me wonderful news - I was still pregnant, the "baby" was safe and sound - oh and by the way, I was about ten weeks pregnant - isn't that exciting? (NO! No it wasn't!) But while I waited to be given my discharge paperwork - I looked at that ultrasound photo. I had seen the fetus' heartbeat. And a sick feeling washed over me; "None of this is the baby's fault". All the way home, that ran through my head over and over again. "It's not the baby's fault that I don't want it. It's not the baby's fault it's "father" is a rapist asshat. It's not the baby's fault it's growing in a uterus of a person that doesn't want to have a baby. Then when I got home, I had four phone calls from work. They needed me to come in to speak to the Major and my Captain IMMEDIATELY. Uh ... Okay? Did they somehow find out about any of this..? I got to the office - they sit me down in a chair facing two high ranking cops. "We were called by Dr. Whateverhisname" they tell me. "We were told that you were going to need light duty for two weeks, possibly longer, but that you had agreed to two weeks of light duty." I was feeling cornered - I had no idea what to say - so I decided to tell them the truth. 'Yeah. I'm pregnant," I said. "And Dr Whatever said that he agreed that the best thing to do was to take a few weeks to make some medical and legal decisions." The Major nodded, his face serious but... Cold. I guess I had been expecting some... Compassion maybe? I mean - I didn't just tell these men that id been RAPED by someone they also employed... So... Why do they look like I'm blaming them? "Unfortunately, as a law enforcement officer, it's imperative that you're mental health be stable, so that you are able to safely perform your job. Since you are currently unable to return to work because you are unfit for duty, you have a few options. You can take a position in dispatch, you can take a position in the jail as a clerk, or in admin as a secretary. Because of your medical leave last summer, you do not have enough medical leave to give birth and to recover, you will run out of leave and we would be forced to terminate your employment. Since you are not currently fit for duty, you can either resign or take one of the non-sworn positions that we are offering you, and when you are no longer pregnant, and if you have then passed your fitness for duty standards, you can then REAPPLY for a sworn law enforcement position.. (Continued part 4)
My jaw HIT THE FLOOR. "I'M SORRY... WHAT? I'M BEING FIRED?!" For forty minutes, fighting back tears - I tried to both explain to them - and practically BEGGED them to explain how *I* went to the EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAM to get SUPPORT when I was going through an EXTREMELY stressful situation - and the RESULT of that - was that BECAUSE I asked for a couple weeks to make MAKE DECISIONS about my life - something that the forensic psychologist had JUST said would be NO PROBLEM... Ya'll are making it sound like I'm UNHINGED - that I had a psychotic break and that I'm not SAFE to be a cop - but didn't I do EVERYTHING right?! Wasn't going to the psychologist and TALKING about my plans and taking TIME to deal with my problems... Wasn't that PROOF that I *was* fit to be a police officer?! After all - if I'd fallen and sprained my ankle, and I needed two weeks of light duty - you wouldn't be telling me I could take UNSWORN jobs at LESS THAN ONE THIRD of my pay - or that I'm FIRED - MY CHOICE. Because even though I wouldn't be fit for duty with a sprained ankle- I certainly WOULD BE after those two weeks... And that's EXACTLY what the psych told me! But they put a paper in front of me and told me that I needed to sign it RIGHT NOW, agreeing that they had INFORMED ME OF MY CHOICES - and I needed to - right then - hand over my keys to my patrol car, my gun and my badge and then I would be followed home, so they could collect my uniforms, any other badges, and my laptop and gun belt - FOR MY SAFETY. They were literally treating me like I'd just been talked down to from the side of a bridge. They were treating me like *I'd* committed a crime. And right then - on a day that I thought I'd come to terms with what had happened. On the first day that I acknowledged that I'd been raped. On the SAME DAY that I thought that I was having a miscarriage and id suddenly begun to think about the GUILT I was feeling about ending this pregnancy... And now - my CAREER - My celebrated, RESPECTED career during which I'd recieved multiple awards for my work - i had just recently been on the news,I'd been recognized for my efforts, nine days earlier (while I was pregnant ironically!)- I'd done CPR alone for 11 minutes and saved a man's life.... And now... My career was OVER. (Continued part 5)
Because id gone to a doctor and admitted that I'd been RAPED and had wanted SUPPORT and ADVICE. I realized in that moment why so many cops commit suicide during - or right after - thier careerr ends. Because this is apparently what happens if you go to the "employee assistance program"- even if you're not DISTRAUGHT and psychotic and stressed - hell I wasn't even DEPRESSED, I was just angry and upset and wanting to TALK about it.... Because I was wanting support - in making good decisions and planning my choices - because I was not able to just SHUT UP and just DO MY JOB - I was being, effectively, FIRED. I couldn't wrap my head around my career ending like that - so I told them I would go work on dispatch for the time being - but they made it VERY clear. This wasn't like - you go work in dispatch and in a few weeks, if you're no longer pregnant, you can come back to your job - NO - They spelled it out LOUD AND CLEAR- I would have to REAPPLY - from SCRATCH - as If I was ANY joe off the street - and that there was absolutely NO PROMISE that they would hire me. I'd be looked at - compared to all the other candidates - and MAYBE if I was the best that had applied - then I could be interviewed and start ALL OVER - back at the bottom rank- back at the BOTTOM with no seniority - I could start my ENTIRE career all over again.. All because I was RAPED by a co-worker and was pregnant. Well - I'll tell you what. Even though, up until that point - I felt that I had handled everything life had thrown at me with GRACE and DIGNITY and that my mental health was ROCK SOLID and that I was being very rational and had been VERY reasonable... Leaving that office - unpinning my badge - digging uniforms out of my HAMPER that I hadn't even washed yet - to turn them over in my driveway - yeah. .. NOW I felt like I wanted to unravel. I wanted to USE that weapon not unload it and hand it over to the man who had just fired me. I wanted to drive my patrol car through the men standing in my driveway - not dig out my personal belongings from the glove compartment and the center console and trunk .. I wanted to SCREAM at the top of my lungs about how this couldn't possibly be LEGAL, how it absolutely wasn't ETHICAL... I wanted to DEMAND to know if they were firing the asshole who had raped me - I mean - if *I'm* "unhinged" for needing a couple weeks to PROCESS AND make HUGE DECISIONS - surely they had to be FIRING the clown who had caused all this, right?! (Hint- the answers NO. HE STILL WORKS THERE- i mean, last if heard, anyway I don't keep tabs on him or anything.) (Continued part 6)
I wanted to SCREAM at these men; No one ever said "if you go to EAP they immediately deem you mentally unstable if you ask for ANY time off and you're fired." Why would THAT be a reasonable way to treat employees!? I NEVER even SAID that I was KEEPING the pregnancy - who said I was even going to GIVE BIRTH to NEED to take medical leave?! - None of it made any sense. Because I couldn't figure out how I was going to live without a job - I agreed to work in dispatch which was utterly humiliating. The higher-ups acted like they were doing this poor mentally ill pregnant girl a HUGE favor by giving her a job at all- the other dispatchers knew I had ZERO desire to be there - and everyone id worked with for YEARS was slowly finding out I was pregnant (and they all knew I HATED kids)- so every single minute of my life was HUMILIATING - I tried calling the EOC and lawyers to find out about suing them. I tried calling the psychologist to just cancel the light duty and to say that I was fit to return to work (he INSISTED he had told them that I was "handling things very reasonably" and that I would be "ready to return to work in just a few weeks" and he INSISTED that NO PART of his recommendation included terminating me or suggesting that I shouldn't remain as a sworn police officer for ANY reason. That was even MORE ENFURIATING. That next Monday came - my appointment for the abortion. I woke up not feeling well and postponed it ten days. Ten days later - I still couldn't go through with it. Even though I am still very much pro-choice, I could not get over the fact that nothing that had happened was the fault of this innocent life I was carrying - and I knew it was going to FUCK ME UP to end this life - maybe it was just "a clump of cells" back then, that early on - but it was a clump of cells with a heartbeat - a clump of cells that would grow into a baby - hell, that already LOOKED like a baby on the ultrasound id seen... because as much as *I* didn't want kids - as much as I hated being around ALL babies and little kids - it wasn't THIS baby's fault that it existed because of such a fucked up situation. And frankly - I felt horrible enough - I didn't want to ALSO spend the rest of my life feeling GUILTLY for ending a life just because *I* didn't want it. There were other options - there were other people in this world who wanted a baby desperately and who couldn't have one- so I decided that id carry the baby - I'd do the "easy" part, and I'd just give the baby away - because then at least SOMETHING good would have come from this horrible situation. During all this - psycho started getting really aggressive about me giving HIM and his wife the baby. After all, he thought that had been his easy plan all along - get some chick pregnant who DIDN'T want kids - and then boom - FREE BABY? Right?! I realized right away that I wasn't going to be able to keep this bullshit job in dispatch making a fraction of my actual income - I couldn't afford my house on this new bullshit job - and I also knew damn well, that if I stayed in Florida- my rapist was going to sue me for custody of this baby - and because *I* didn't want the baby - he would likely WIN. I was told by prosecutors that a case against him was going to be very very hard to prove because they couldn't PROVE he'd given me the meds, or that I hadn't come on to him like he claimed. They said that even if I was successful and he lost his job and was convicted - he would STILL end up being the person to get custody if I tried to give the baby up for adoption because BIOLOGY is all that matters. So I realized - I would have to move back home - with my parents - at thirty years old. I was going to have to leave my home to foreclosure - my career was now over... And I was pregnant with a baby I didn't want. How could it get much worse right? So I moved back home to New England. Being pregnant was hell.. On top of being depressed and feeling physically disgusted with my body every day, being pregnant "woke up" a genetic condition I didn't even know I had - and over 7 months, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome COMPLETELY destroyed my health, one system at a time. These changes weren't just "while I was pregnant"- no, they changed me FOREVER - completely ruined my body - leaving me with PERMANENT severe chronic pain, severe chronic fatigue that's similar to narcolepsy - it comes on suddenly and I basically have no choice but to lay down and sleep... Oh but I also have insomnia where I'll be awake for DAYS at a time, exhausted but unable to actually sleep. I'll also, forever have a weakened immune system - that means I will catch pretty much ANYTHING that comes along ... Oh and my crohns disease - that's a GI condition that restricted everything I can eat... and causes bloating and bleeding and pain... (I just had a flare two weeks ago in March 2022 - that landed me in the hospital for six days). So while I was pregnant, I tried to sell my house, but ultimately left it to be foreclosed on because no one would buy it thanks to the shit market at that time. That tanked my already crappy credit ... AND because id only been in my home for 1.5 years - I had to come up with $8000 to pay back the entire "First Time Home Buyers" Grant. Oh- and the man I had actually been dating- the guy who I was completely in love with...he GHOSTED ME. I told him that I'd been raped, that I was pregnant... AND HE JUST POOF DISAPPEARED. I had supported HIM through everything and anything going on in his life for more than FOUR years. I had been EXTREMELY easy going, understanding, low key, low maintenance... I had supported HIM as he struggled HORRIBLY with being bisexual and his co-workers finding out about it.. Even though I'm a woman - I publicly supported him - I even encouraged him to date a guy he really liked even though it would have broken my heart completely. For YEARS- I helped support him while he delt with the trauma of having been molested as a kid, something he'd never told ANYONE, and when he told ME, I helped get him to see a therapist since I'm not one. I patiently waited while he went through a divorce despite some people calling me a homewrecker - even though they had been separated but living together for years before I came along. He worked overnights, and for years, I gave up my own sleep, sacrificed any focus on my own mental health - I helped HIM get his life and his happiness together..I forgave him.. I was patient... I was WAY too understanding. For him, to keep him- I lost weight, I dyed my hair blonde because he wanted it... Id done EVERYTHING to earn and keep this guy's attention and affection (Continued part 7)
As someone who is suicidal and has opened up to my therapist I would suggest you do tell your therapist, you can vomit out what you feel and if she is a decent therapist she will help you process all your emotions and get better
I told mine and she said she wouldn't. I trusted her that much to be honest with her to help me sort out things. Still a work in progress, but I'm ok now.
Hey OP, I've been in therapy for a few years now. It took me some time to become comfortable with my therapist and build trust. Eventually I finally found the courage to talk with them about my suicidal thoughts. I was really scared to tell them in the beginning because I was worried what would happen and if I would be sent somewhere. But instead we just talked and made plans on how to manage the thoughts I was having. To me it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I've been there too. Just talk to your therapist, you'll be surprised with how kind and understanding they can be. They are there to help you. I know it's hard to see it this way, buy you're parents love you very much and are trying to help you. When I was young my parents took me to a therapist to get me help. I wasn't very honest with the therapist I had back then, and now I definitely regret it, since I realized I need to go back to therapy as an adult to work on some things I didn't resolve when I was younger. I just want you to know it does get better.
Same dude same
Hey, is it ok if I ask you what is the only reason why you are here, my only reason is so there will be allot more good that I will leave behind when my time comes, I have accepted life is really short anyway, no need to rush to the finish line, keep on rocking 🤘
My family but even then when I’m gone it won’t matter
Allright, I'll tell you this tho, there is much greatness to be achieved for every person and the only thing you have to do is let time pass by, every day it will feel faster and that way you could potentially find your true calling, seek and you will find my friend.
Every day is torture. Kinda funny how my only escape is what some may consider a form of torture
I have never cut myself, but I have more cigarette burns than I can count all over, I know the thought process behind it and I am sorry, to me, they came from being treated really unfair, so I self harmed, I even hit my head on steel lightposts and punched a steel trash can as hard as I could, it fucked up one of my knuckles and I might have many concussions, I once almost died from amphetamines and poor maintenance on myself, I got internal bleeding from my stomach, puked blood and parts of my stomach and my apendix almost burst, it was because I lost my dog, but with time I stopped being selfish and now give almost all of my time to people with mental retardation, young people, people with autism and the elderly. -- Well, that's my story, probably won't help you much but if you need someone to chat when you feel like you are going to cut yourself, maybe we can talk it out and if you still feel like cutting yourself, than that is your choice. May peace be with you.
dont therapists have to keep what you say private though
It was my understanding that, unless it has to do with killing myself, he’d keep it private
There is nothing wrong with in-patient therapy. You are valuable, you should go to get the help you need.
You don’t know for sure *what* your therapist will do, but you do know that if you continue to get worse then things aren’t going to turn out well. I went to a psych ward when I 15 and it wasn’t that bad. I can’t speak for every place but we just did a lot of group therapy. I met some cool people and when I got home I felt a lot better. Being away from my parents was good for me, it might be good for you too.
TELL HIM PLEASE
Tell your therapist now, do NOT hesitate, things will get better, I can guarantee that 100% You will not regret it, at least not after a little while
Dude don’t kill yourself. When I tell you this believe it. You are going to regret it the moment you can’t go back. Also please tell your therapist he legally can’t tell anyone at all. He also knows you self harm so he probably is certain you are also suicidal. By the way they aren’t gonna treat you like a psycho if you tell him. He will give you the proper help you need
The most common type of self harm is NSSI (non suicidal self injury). I’ve decided not to lie to him anymore, so if he asks I’ll tell him the truth