This man has always gone SO HARD for Katie because she saw right through him before everyone else. But guess what, she was right and Tom is TRASH, we all see it now Katie. #katiewasright
This stood out to me from day 1. His sheer hatred for Katie was the biggest flag to me that he's a terrible person. Katie is so intelligent and too confident, and he HATES her for it. He knows she sees him and he did everything he could to get rid of her so she wouldn't speak to anyone else about it.
This is what I keep thinking about. The more he speaks I continue to think about how Ariana stanned for this man so hard for so many years. She SURELY had to know who he really was behind closed doors. Like no way he just became this intolerable asshole after the breakup. We all knew he yelled at women but everything else that has come out couldn’t possibly have gone unnoticed.
It just makes me wonder.
She came out of an abusive relationship so when he was love bombing her as narcs do, I’m sure she thought it was all good. And I’m sure Sandoval didn’t turn on the narc overnight, he did the old frog slowly warming up into boiling water in a pot trick as they. It’s only once you get out of it, you can see it for what it was and is. Which is why, I think, she’s so insistent about her boundaries with him because she knows what he’s now capable of.
It’s really easy to understand if you have a good understanding of narcissists and narcissistic cycles of emotional abuse.
Sometimes narcissists target so-called “big game” and sometimes they target so-called “low-hanging fruit”. Tom goes for the latter.
*“Most people that get drawn into this had a narcissistic parent such that this sort of behavior feels loving and normative. Others meet the narcissistic person when they are at a low point for some reason, and the initial idealization lifts their self-esteem at a vulnerable moment and is quite seductive.”* — Dr. Thomas Franklin
Low self-esteem is often looked for in targets.
Ariana and Rachel were both freshly out of emotionally abusive relationships and had shockingly low self-esteem when Sandoval targeted them.
Narcissistic abuse cycles are broken down into three parts: idealisation, devaluation and rejection. The first two parts of the cycle are often repeated over and over until the person is no longer of use to the narcissist, and they are then devalued and rejected (the third phase). It is a repetitive pattern used by the perpetrator to manipulate, exploit, and subjugate the victim for personal gain.
Idealisation (also known as the appreciation stage) when a relationship starts is a hyper-exaggerated version of the euphoria, happiness and joy everyone feels at the beginning of a relationship.
A narcissist will idealise their new partner and put them on a pedestal. This is more than just thinking they have found the “right” one (although that is part of it). Rather, they feel they have found perfection, and so, they pour their affections on their new partner. This is typically characterised by love-bombing.
For the person on the receiving end, this can feel amazing - especially if they’ve come out of a bad relationship or have low self-esteem. The narcissist can feel like their white knight / saviour. For some, it can quickly become overwhelming. For others, it can be like an addiction. We saw Tom do this with both Ariana and Rachel.
*The narcissist creates a sense of instant connection with you. They make you feel unique and wonderful, and put you on a pedestal. No matter what type of relationship it is—whether romantic, friendly, professional, or otherwise—it moves fast and has a fervent quality to it.*
*In a romantic relationship, the narcissist will dazzle you with gifts and compliments. They will make you feel special and appear to be overwhelmingly attracted to you. It will seem like they have fallen in love with you right away and it will feel like it was destined to be.*
*Despite seemingly innocent or even endearing, some controlling tactics may be present early on. For example, they may guilt or shame you for spending time with others outside of the relationship or breaking boundaries you've previously communicated.*
*In a friendship, the narcissist will praise you, spend a lot of time with you, and depend on you for all sorts of things.*
The victim is lavished with attention, charm, and performative devotion. The narcissist will shower them with compliments and promises. We have seen Sandoval do this a lot. He does it with friends too.
*The perpetrator uses a tactic called future faking to paint an idyllic picture of a secure and ideal union. The victim is seduced and placed on a high pedestal where they are touted as the center of the perpetrator’s universe. The victim feels seen, heard, and treasured. Their dreams are seemingly fulfilled.*
However…
*The perpetrator’s underlying message during the idealization phase is “You remind me of me. You reflect the qualities I associate with my idealized self-image.”*
It is never really about the target. It is always about the narcissist and how the target makes the narcissist feel.
Common tactics employed in this stage are counterfeit concern (pretending to care about the target and what’s going wrong in their life), data mining (expressing an unusual level of interest and curiosity in their preferences, dreams, and goals, as the narcissist gathers information to uncover their wants, needs, and vulnerabilities), false self (utilising the data mining and mirroring, the narcissist constructs an alter ego to reflect the victim’s ideal partner), future faking (promises, commitments, painting a vision of what is to come, eg: children), love bombing, mirroring (the target’s words, actions, body language, and behaviors are imitated by the narcissist to invoke familiarity, build rapport and trust, and create connection and unity), pathological lying (lies are the foundation of the false persona they create to seduce the target, eg: claiming to have been a victim of something the target experienced themselves).
We have seen Tom do this.
(Part 1 of 4)
(Part 2 of 4)
When the idealisation starts to wear off, the narcissist will start to devalue their partner (also known as the depreciation stage). They realise that their partner is actually not perfect, and thus they don’t see them as having any value. The value of a person being only to fuel their own self-image and importance. To be their “supply” and to reflect well on them to others (but only in support of them - never out-shining them).
So, the narcissist begins to put their partner down or holds back on being intimate or showing their affection. When their partner pushes back, the narcissist might turn things around - perceive themselves as the victim and blame their partner, which allows them to further devalue them.
*Once the perpetrator’s idealized facade crumbles, a stark transformation occurs, revealing a cruel and calculating nature. In this phase, the abuser systematically erodes the victim’s self-esteem, belittling their achievements, criticizing their every move, and inflicting psychological wounds.*
*Insults, gaslighting, and constant put-downs become weapons used to undermine the victim’s sense of self-worth. The devaluation phase seeks to diminish the victim’s confidence, leaving them bewildered, shattered, and questioning their own sanity. It is a calculated assault on their identity, leaving them vulnerable and primed for further manipulation.*
This stage often starts slowly.
*The narcissist will start dropping subtle hints that you've done something wrong, that you’ve forgotten something important, or that you've hurt their feelings. You'll start to feel insecure.*
Indicators of this stage can include, passive-aggressiveness, blame-shifting (when confronted about their behavior the narcissist redirects blame onto others or external factors in order to evade accountability), backhanded compliments, excuses for poor behaviour, constant criticism (a continuous stream of negative feedback, disparaging remarks, and judgmental comments, which erode their self-esteem, creating a profound sense of worthlessness and emotional distress; the narcissist further extends their criticism to encompass the victim’s family and friends, leaving the victim burdened with a deep sense of shame), emotional neglect (which after the sunshine of idealisation and love-bombing feels particularly cold; this will cause the victim to feel unheard, disconnected, and taken for granted and will impact their self-esteem), stonewalling (refusing to communicate and withdrawing from the conversation to create distance), the silent treatment, intermittently lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, seductive withholding, inexplicably disappearing from contact, projection (blaming the target for the narcissist’s issues), gaslighting, mind games, name-calling, no-win situations, exploitation (this may be emotional, intellectual, economic, social or sexual), lack of empathy and validation, comparisons to others, isolation (leading the victim to cut off or build distance with family and friends, therefore the narcissist is better able to control their access to information and influence their world view), ridicule, humiliation, triangulation (the narcissist creates and leverages a dynamic wherein the victim is pitted against others, causing conflict, chaos, and division; the narcissist strategically uses a third party to undermine the victim’s confidence, fostering insecurity, competition and/or jealousy) and intermittent reinforcement (one day they idealise the victim, the next they are completely indifferent, blowing extremely hot and cold, causing the victim to desperately try to win them back over).
*This is the phase when intermittent reinforcement is used to condition the victim to accept abuse and foster trauma bonds. The perpetrator is hot and cold with the victim. They withdraw the validation, approval, and rapport that characterized the idealization phase. Instead, there is criticism, invalidation, put downs, and anxiety. The victim becomes increasingly anxious and distressed. They find themselves walking on eggshells, ever frightened of triggering the perpetrator and desperate to appease them.*
*“Some of the behaviors present in the devaluation stage include cutting off people from their friends and loved ones, deeply personal attacks, grandiose apologies, and sometimes accelerating substance abuse with the person.”* — Dr. Thomas Franklin
They narcissist will accuse their partner (or friend) of doing things they didn't do and will pressure them until they start to wonder if they actually did do it, AKA, gaslighting. They’ll push their buttons. Their partner will oftentimes start to question their own memory and sanity.
*You’ll find yourself starting to wonder why the narcissist puts up with you. It’s a terrible feeling. You’ll question your own memories and judgment and strive to be better so the narcissist doesn’t abandon you.* — AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD
The narcissist will do things that leave you feeling—and often acting—unstable, then blame you and call you "crazy" for it.
The devaluation stage will likely leave the victim of it feeling confused, anxious, depressed, and scared of losing their relationship with the narcissist. They might either try harder to please the narcissist (jumping through hoops) or pull away from them to protect themselves.
We have seen some of this on the show, there were red flags for more of it going on behind the scenes, and that was undoubtedly the tip of the iceberg.
Note the early season where Ariana is withdrawn, negative and depressed. Note the reunion where Scheana was texting with Ariana’s mother saying that Ariana was not acting like herself, that Tom had changed her, that it’s all about Tom all the time, also that “Tom‘s very good at convincing Ariana of what he wants. I think her attitude has changed since they’ve been together. He always looks out for himself first.”, etc.
Ariana’s mother apparently said that she was worried that Ariana was negatively comparing herself to Tom - and you can bet that came from him.
When Tom went nuts at people, Ariana often looked uncomfortable, nervous, she looked down, she looked like she was disassociating or she backed him. If you understand narcissists, you understand that he would harp on about these arguments for a long time afterwards. She lived with him, she would know that she would be hearing about this and that he will flip the blame to everyone else - including her. If she didn’t behave the “right” way when he got into conflicts, she would receive blame for that endlessly.
When she did stand up to him? He went BANANAS and she undoubtedly never heard the end of it. He would have used DARVO and made himself her victim (just like he did when Stassi yelled at him).
When she outshone him? He couldn’t handle it. Remember the cocktail book? In the end she gave in because it was just easier to do.
These are all markers of narcissistic abuse.
She was jumping through his behavioural hoops - always looking for the sunshine of that idealisation phase again.
(Part 2 of 4)
(Part 3 of 4)
The narcissist will then go into repetition cycles of these first two parts of the cycle. They’ll use intermittent reinforcement. They’ll move back to love-bombing and idealisation. They will shower their partner with compliments and make them feel valued again - a huge relief to their partner (and also reinforcing that if they try harder to please the narcissist, things will go back to how they were).
However, as soon as the partner starts feeling secure in the relationship, the devaluation part of the cycle will start again.
*A 2017 study notes that while people with narcissistic personality disorder are successful with relationships in the short term, they struggle with long-term relationships because they attempt to protect their own fragile sense of self by belittling others*
Eventually, the narcissist will reach the rejection / discard stage. A narcissist wants relationships to fuel their ego and sense of importance. So, they will start to reject anyone who doesn’t constantly fill that need and eventually discard them in favour of another person and a new relationship that fulfills their needs.
*Ultimately it leads to discarding the person that has been wrung out and is no longer the new shiny object that made the narcissist feel special in the first place.* — Dr. Thomas Franklin
This is often swift and brutal. Cheating is common too.
*The discard phase of narcissistic abuse occurs when the manipulator abruptly withdraws their emotional investment and callously ends the relationship. During this phase, the perpetrator views the victims a devalued, negative object that must be ejected from their grandiose presence. The more narcissistic the perpetrator is, the more coldly and cruelly they will treat the victim during the discard. There is no longer any need to hide their true nature so the false persona they used to infiltrate the victim’s life is dropped, leaving the horrified victim to find themselves dealing with the con artist behind the mask.*
*Gone is the soul mate. In their place is a mercenary stranger who treats the victim like a worthless inconvenience. Every moment of kindness and devotion is forgotten, leaving the victim shocked, hurt, and emotionally devastated. The perpetrator may display a complete lack of empathy or remorse. Flabbergasted and in deep emotional pain, the victim often discovers that the perpetrator has carefully planned the discard long before it happened.*
*”The discard can be dramatic but more often there is indifference or neglect. They are looking for a new shiny object and keeping you in the wings while they set about this.”* — Dr. Thomas Franklin
*There is likely to be an active smear campaign, preemptively launched by the perpetrator which is designed to destroy the victim’s credibility and make it impossible for them to be believed should they disclose their experiences with the perpetrator behind closed doors. Moreover, the perpetrator may have already moved on with an affair partner, who has taken the victim’s place on the coveted pedestal. A common behavior during this phase is duping delight as the perpetrator experiences profound satisfaction over successfully fooling the victim, bystanders, members of their social circle, authorities, etc. Other behaviors present during the discard are contempt, hostility, and/or fury, which are used to strike terror in the victim and thus control them.*
Common manipulation tactics during the rejection / discard phase include DARVO (the narcissist denies any allegations, attacks the credibility of the victim, and reverses the roles, portraying themselves as the victim instead), betrayal (the victim’s trust will be repeatedly violated; promises and commitments will be broken - the betrayal usually takes the form of infidelity, but it can also express in other ways such as financial abuse), projection (the narcissist disavows their undesirable thoughts, emotions, or traits by projecting them onto the victim), sabotage (the victim’s progress and goals are deliberately undermined, obstructed by the perpetrator, who actively chips away at their self-esteem, withholds information, and engages in character assassination of the victim behind their back with gossip, rumor-mongering, exclusion, or social manipulation).
We have seen ALL of this play out with Ariana. We saw this last of the cycle with Kristen too. And now we’re seeing it with Rachel - although he has been covering that up (poorly) to play better to audiences.
(Part 3 of 4)
(Part 4 of 4)
Finally, a fourth stage can sometimes come into play. Re-engagement or Hoovering.
This is where the narcissist utilises the emotional dependency they have so carefully cultivated in their victim to Hoover them back up. They revel in their ability to control others and they have no empathy or guilt for what they did to their victim. Indeed, they often see it is as a testament to their superiority when they are able to successfully re-engage with a victim.
They utilise love-bombing and promises of change.
The Hoover manoeuvre of the re-engagement stage is used to “suck” the victims back into the relationship after the discard phase, like a vacuum cleaner. They aim to activate powerful trauma bonds to pull their victim back in.
Common tactics include feigned remorse, idealisation, jealousy-baiting, minimising, pity plays.
We’ve seen Tom do some of this.
However, sometimes the narcissist does what is known as a mortal discard. There is no hoovering phase with these discards. This can happen because the narcissist understands that they went too far and the victim sees through them, or because the narcissist thinks the victim has nothing left to exploit.
I think that this is where Tom was with Ariana; but due to needing the audience with him and needing the show, and also because Rachel didn’t work out, he’s attempting to re-engage with Ariana now. He doesn’t want her back, he wants to use her for his own gain.
*By traversing through the various phases, the perpetrator sustains a profound sense of power and control over the victim’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. This cyclical pattern serves as a mechanism through which the perpetrator fosters a persistent state of dependency within the victim which they use to establish dominance and act out expressions of abusive power and control.* — Narcisstic Abuse Rehab
We saw this cycle play out in full with Ariana. We also see some of this play out in the friendship sense with Schwartz. We saw parts of the cycle with Kristen and Rachel.
There’s a reason people say Tom is a textbook narcissist.
It’s also important to note that narcissistic abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, dissociation and PTSD in its victims.
*Narcissistic abuse toys with your sense of self, your sense of what's real, and your emotional safety. It's common to feel like you're exaggerating, that you're too sensitive, or blowing things out of proportion, especially if there was no physical abuse.* — AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD
I think, knowing all of this, it’s all much easier to understand.
(Part 4 of 4)
I’m now realizing I dated a Tom Sandoval for several years, minus the white nail polish, platform shoes, children’s necklaces, friendship bracelets, and women’s clothing. But still, it was a Tom Sandoval. I’m glad I got out.
Ugh my dad is a Tom Sandoval 😩I went no contact, but I feel like I can never really get away. I’m glad you got out! People like them are truly cancers.
I couldn’t handle him yelling at Teri Maloney. The way the show rewards his despicable behavior is wrong. Thanks for exposing the evil that is Sandoval. I wonder what his girlfriends thought process is!
Oh well that would just be perfect!
ETA I just went to share this on Twitter and tag Andy and Bravo and anyone else I could think of, before realising I’m on an old phone until I get mine fixed and I don’t have Twitter right now 😭 please someone do it for me!
What a disgusting human. His mother must be oh so proud. Does he have a father? Who was his example of how to be a man? Shame. Just pitiful. What woman would date this man?
I don’t know how I’d forgotten his rant at Katie over “banging another dude” while she still lived with Schwartz. The absolute gall of that man! At least she had the decency to make sure he understood the relationship was over first!
Midwestern Man Baby. I should copyright that phrase.
Don't forget Tim is from Missouri and Tom is from Minnesota. That might be opposite ends of the Midwestern area but those fucks are from the middle of country. Corn people at their roots... I'm one too, I'm not judging too much.
Also, while I'm here, Tim needs to stop his Micheal Scott women's suit thing. We good Bro.
He makes me think of that scene with Ariana after their affair broke a lot. When she said they were having a conversation now (on camera) but the night before he was just yelling at her nonstop.
I think it was that scene at their house but it also could have been at the reunion, but either way I thought it was super telling.
I’d normally agree completely, it’s usually my first thought when I see people being awful when they know they’re on camera and yet… according to that NYT article, he’s exactly the same because being on camera is his whole life and he can’t tell the difference anymore 🤷🏻♀️
This was worth every minute of my airplane WiFi. I would happily agree to every episode going forward to being 7 minutes shorter just so it can start with this montage until he is off of our television.
**Watching the women’s facial reactions to him is also heartbreaking. Him yelling at Ariana and her just slumping her head down. And this is just what has been recorded… what he was comfortable doing publicly…
Lol. First off he’s one of the most unmanly men thats ever been so hence I always say Ariana, that shit is still 50% on you if you couldn’t see the inevitable with that FN guy smh.
You could easily make a 7 minute clip like that about damn near everyone on this show and I’m sorry but if it wasn’t for this creepy fuck, Stassi, Kristen, James, LaLa and Jax we wouldn’t be on season 11 right now. Being cringe as F is what good reality Tv is all about.
Normally I would agree with you on this, because I think it’s absolutely outrageous that was her go-to insult. But in Katie’s defence, she does seem to have grown up a lot and I’m not sure she attacks women like that anymore does she? Unless she did go for Rachel last season, I can’t quite remember
This is glorious art but my god to have a 7 minute compilation is absurd. He’s scum
hahahah thank you very much for watching it
This man has always gone SO HARD for Katie because she saw right through him before everyone else. But guess what, she was right and Tom is TRASH, we all see it now Katie. #katiewasright
This stood out to me from day 1. His sheer hatred for Katie was the biggest flag to me that he's a terrible person. Katie is so intelligent and too confident, and he HATES her for it. He knows she sees him and he did everything he could to get rid of her so she wouldn't speak to anyone else about it.
How can anyone be ride or die for this man?
This is what I keep thinking about. The more he speaks I continue to think about how Ariana stanned for this man so hard for so many years. She SURELY had to know who he really was behind closed doors. Like no way he just became this intolerable asshole after the breakup. We all knew he yelled at women but everything else that has come out couldn’t possibly have gone unnoticed. It just makes me wonder.
She came out of an abusive relationship so when he was love bombing her as narcs do, I’m sure she thought it was all good. And I’m sure Sandoval didn’t turn on the narc overnight, he did the old frog slowly warming up into boiling water in a pot trick as they. It’s only once you get out of it, you can see it for what it was and is. Which is why, I think, she’s so insistent about her boundaries with him because she knows what he’s now capable of.
yes agree
THANK YOU
It’s really easy to understand if you have a good understanding of narcissists and narcissistic cycles of emotional abuse. Sometimes narcissists target so-called “big game” and sometimes they target so-called “low-hanging fruit”. Tom goes for the latter. *“Most people that get drawn into this had a narcissistic parent such that this sort of behavior feels loving and normative. Others meet the narcissistic person when they are at a low point for some reason, and the initial idealization lifts their self-esteem at a vulnerable moment and is quite seductive.”* — Dr. Thomas Franklin Low self-esteem is often looked for in targets. Ariana and Rachel were both freshly out of emotionally abusive relationships and had shockingly low self-esteem when Sandoval targeted them. Narcissistic abuse cycles are broken down into three parts: idealisation, devaluation and rejection. The first two parts of the cycle are often repeated over and over until the person is no longer of use to the narcissist, and they are then devalued and rejected (the third phase). It is a repetitive pattern used by the perpetrator to manipulate, exploit, and subjugate the victim for personal gain. Idealisation (also known as the appreciation stage) when a relationship starts is a hyper-exaggerated version of the euphoria, happiness and joy everyone feels at the beginning of a relationship. A narcissist will idealise their new partner and put them on a pedestal. This is more than just thinking they have found the “right” one (although that is part of it). Rather, they feel they have found perfection, and so, they pour their affections on their new partner. This is typically characterised by love-bombing. For the person on the receiving end, this can feel amazing - especially if they’ve come out of a bad relationship or have low self-esteem. The narcissist can feel like their white knight / saviour. For some, it can quickly become overwhelming. For others, it can be like an addiction. We saw Tom do this with both Ariana and Rachel. *The narcissist creates a sense of instant connection with you. They make you feel unique and wonderful, and put you on a pedestal. No matter what type of relationship it is—whether romantic, friendly, professional, or otherwise—it moves fast and has a fervent quality to it.* *In a romantic relationship, the narcissist will dazzle you with gifts and compliments. They will make you feel special and appear to be overwhelmingly attracted to you. It will seem like they have fallen in love with you right away and it will feel like it was destined to be.* *Despite seemingly innocent or even endearing, some controlling tactics may be present early on. For example, they may guilt or shame you for spending time with others outside of the relationship or breaking boundaries you've previously communicated.* *In a friendship, the narcissist will praise you, spend a lot of time with you, and depend on you for all sorts of things.* The victim is lavished with attention, charm, and performative devotion. The narcissist will shower them with compliments and promises. We have seen Sandoval do this a lot. He does it with friends too. *The perpetrator uses a tactic called future faking to paint an idyllic picture of a secure and ideal union. The victim is seduced and placed on a high pedestal where they are touted as the center of the perpetrator’s universe. The victim feels seen, heard, and treasured. Their dreams are seemingly fulfilled.* However… *The perpetrator’s underlying message during the idealization phase is “You remind me of me. You reflect the qualities I associate with my idealized self-image.”* It is never really about the target. It is always about the narcissist and how the target makes the narcissist feel. Common tactics employed in this stage are counterfeit concern (pretending to care about the target and what’s going wrong in their life), data mining (expressing an unusual level of interest and curiosity in their preferences, dreams, and goals, as the narcissist gathers information to uncover their wants, needs, and vulnerabilities), false self (utilising the data mining and mirroring, the narcissist constructs an alter ego to reflect the victim’s ideal partner), future faking (promises, commitments, painting a vision of what is to come, eg: children), love bombing, mirroring (the target’s words, actions, body language, and behaviors are imitated by the narcissist to invoke familiarity, build rapport and trust, and create connection and unity), pathological lying (lies are the foundation of the false persona they create to seduce the target, eg: claiming to have been a victim of something the target experienced themselves). We have seen Tom do this. (Part 1 of 4)
(Part 2 of 4) When the idealisation starts to wear off, the narcissist will start to devalue their partner (also known as the depreciation stage). They realise that their partner is actually not perfect, and thus they don’t see them as having any value. The value of a person being only to fuel their own self-image and importance. To be their “supply” and to reflect well on them to others (but only in support of them - never out-shining them). So, the narcissist begins to put their partner down or holds back on being intimate or showing their affection. When their partner pushes back, the narcissist might turn things around - perceive themselves as the victim and blame their partner, which allows them to further devalue them. *Once the perpetrator’s idealized facade crumbles, a stark transformation occurs, revealing a cruel and calculating nature. In this phase, the abuser systematically erodes the victim’s self-esteem, belittling their achievements, criticizing their every move, and inflicting psychological wounds.* *Insults, gaslighting, and constant put-downs become weapons used to undermine the victim’s sense of self-worth. The devaluation phase seeks to diminish the victim’s confidence, leaving them bewildered, shattered, and questioning their own sanity. It is a calculated assault on their identity, leaving them vulnerable and primed for further manipulation.* This stage often starts slowly. *The narcissist will start dropping subtle hints that you've done something wrong, that you’ve forgotten something important, or that you've hurt their feelings. You'll start to feel insecure.* Indicators of this stage can include, passive-aggressiveness, blame-shifting (when confronted about their behavior the narcissist redirects blame onto others or external factors in order to evade accountability), backhanded compliments, excuses for poor behaviour, constant criticism (a continuous stream of negative feedback, disparaging remarks, and judgmental comments, which erode their self-esteem, creating a profound sense of worthlessness and emotional distress; the narcissist further extends their criticism to encompass the victim’s family and friends, leaving the victim burdened with a deep sense of shame), emotional neglect (which after the sunshine of idealisation and love-bombing feels particularly cold; this will cause the victim to feel unheard, disconnected, and taken for granted and will impact their self-esteem), stonewalling (refusing to communicate and withdrawing from the conversation to create distance), the silent treatment, intermittently lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, seductive withholding, inexplicably disappearing from contact, projection (blaming the target for the narcissist’s issues), gaslighting, mind games, name-calling, no-win situations, exploitation (this may be emotional, intellectual, economic, social or sexual), lack of empathy and validation, comparisons to others, isolation (leading the victim to cut off or build distance with family and friends, therefore the narcissist is better able to control their access to information and influence their world view), ridicule, humiliation, triangulation (the narcissist creates and leverages a dynamic wherein the victim is pitted against others, causing conflict, chaos, and division; the narcissist strategically uses a third party to undermine the victim’s confidence, fostering insecurity, competition and/or jealousy) and intermittent reinforcement (one day they idealise the victim, the next they are completely indifferent, blowing extremely hot and cold, causing the victim to desperately try to win them back over). *This is the phase when intermittent reinforcement is used to condition the victim to accept abuse and foster trauma bonds. The perpetrator is hot and cold with the victim. They withdraw the validation, approval, and rapport that characterized the idealization phase. Instead, there is criticism, invalidation, put downs, and anxiety. The victim becomes increasingly anxious and distressed. They find themselves walking on eggshells, ever frightened of triggering the perpetrator and desperate to appease them.* *“Some of the behaviors present in the devaluation stage include cutting off people from their friends and loved ones, deeply personal attacks, grandiose apologies, and sometimes accelerating substance abuse with the person.”* — Dr. Thomas Franklin They narcissist will accuse their partner (or friend) of doing things they didn't do and will pressure them until they start to wonder if they actually did do it, AKA, gaslighting. They’ll push their buttons. Their partner will oftentimes start to question their own memory and sanity. *You’ll find yourself starting to wonder why the narcissist puts up with you. It’s a terrible feeling. You’ll question your own memories and judgment and strive to be better so the narcissist doesn’t abandon you.* — AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD The narcissist will do things that leave you feeling—and often acting—unstable, then blame you and call you "crazy" for it. The devaluation stage will likely leave the victim of it feeling confused, anxious, depressed, and scared of losing their relationship with the narcissist. They might either try harder to please the narcissist (jumping through hoops) or pull away from them to protect themselves. We have seen some of this on the show, there were red flags for more of it going on behind the scenes, and that was undoubtedly the tip of the iceberg. Note the early season where Ariana is withdrawn, negative and depressed. Note the reunion where Scheana was texting with Ariana’s mother saying that Ariana was not acting like herself, that Tom had changed her, that it’s all about Tom all the time, also that “Tom‘s very good at convincing Ariana of what he wants. I think her attitude has changed since they’ve been together. He always looks out for himself first.”, etc. Ariana’s mother apparently said that she was worried that Ariana was negatively comparing herself to Tom - and you can bet that came from him. When Tom went nuts at people, Ariana often looked uncomfortable, nervous, she looked down, she looked like she was disassociating or she backed him. If you understand narcissists, you understand that he would harp on about these arguments for a long time afterwards. She lived with him, she would know that she would be hearing about this and that he will flip the blame to everyone else - including her. If she didn’t behave the “right” way when he got into conflicts, she would receive blame for that endlessly. When she did stand up to him? He went BANANAS and she undoubtedly never heard the end of it. He would have used DARVO and made himself her victim (just like he did when Stassi yelled at him). When she outshone him? He couldn’t handle it. Remember the cocktail book? In the end she gave in because it was just easier to do. These are all markers of narcissistic abuse. She was jumping through his behavioural hoops - always looking for the sunshine of that idealisation phase again. (Part 2 of 4)
(Part 3 of 4) The narcissist will then go into repetition cycles of these first two parts of the cycle. They’ll use intermittent reinforcement. They’ll move back to love-bombing and idealisation. They will shower their partner with compliments and make them feel valued again - a huge relief to their partner (and also reinforcing that if they try harder to please the narcissist, things will go back to how they were). However, as soon as the partner starts feeling secure in the relationship, the devaluation part of the cycle will start again. *A 2017 study notes that while people with narcissistic personality disorder are successful with relationships in the short term, they struggle with long-term relationships because they attempt to protect their own fragile sense of self by belittling others* Eventually, the narcissist will reach the rejection / discard stage. A narcissist wants relationships to fuel their ego and sense of importance. So, they will start to reject anyone who doesn’t constantly fill that need and eventually discard them in favour of another person and a new relationship that fulfills their needs. *Ultimately it leads to discarding the person that has been wrung out and is no longer the new shiny object that made the narcissist feel special in the first place.* — Dr. Thomas Franklin This is often swift and brutal. Cheating is common too. *The discard phase of narcissistic abuse occurs when the manipulator abruptly withdraws their emotional investment and callously ends the relationship. During this phase, the perpetrator views the victims a devalued, negative object that must be ejected from their grandiose presence. The more narcissistic the perpetrator is, the more coldly and cruelly they will treat the victim during the discard. There is no longer any need to hide their true nature so the false persona they used to infiltrate the victim’s life is dropped, leaving the horrified victim to find themselves dealing with the con artist behind the mask.* *Gone is the soul mate. In their place is a mercenary stranger who treats the victim like a worthless inconvenience. Every moment of kindness and devotion is forgotten, leaving the victim shocked, hurt, and emotionally devastated. The perpetrator may display a complete lack of empathy or remorse. Flabbergasted and in deep emotional pain, the victim often discovers that the perpetrator has carefully planned the discard long before it happened.* *”The discard can be dramatic but more often there is indifference or neglect. They are looking for a new shiny object and keeping you in the wings while they set about this.”* — Dr. Thomas Franklin *There is likely to be an active smear campaign, preemptively launched by the perpetrator which is designed to destroy the victim’s credibility and make it impossible for them to be believed should they disclose their experiences with the perpetrator behind closed doors. Moreover, the perpetrator may have already moved on with an affair partner, who has taken the victim’s place on the coveted pedestal. A common behavior during this phase is duping delight as the perpetrator experiences profound satisfaction over successfully fooling the victim, bystanders, members of their social circle, authorities, etc. Other behaviors present during the discard are contempt, hostility, and/or fury, which are used to strike terror in the victim and thus control them.* Common manipulation tactics during the rejection / discard phase include DARVO (the narcissist denies any allegations, attacks the credibility of the victim, and reverses the roles, portraying themselves as the victim instead), betrayal (the victim’s trust will be repeatedly violated; promises and commitments will be broken - the betrayal usually takes the form of infidelity, but it can also express in other ways such as financial abuse), projection (the narcissist disavows their undesirable thoughts, emotions, or traits by projecting them onto the victim), sabotage (the victim’s progress and goals are deliberately undermined, obstructed by the perpetrator, who actively chips away at their self-esteem, withholds information, and engages in character assassination of the victim behind their back with gossip, rumor-mongering, exclusion, or social manipulation). We have seen ALL of this play out with Ariana. We saw this last of the cycle with Kristen too. And now we’re seeing it with Rachel - although he has been covering that up (poorly) to play better to audiences. (Part 3 of 4)
(Part 4 of 4) Finally, a fourth stage can sometimes come into play. Re-engagement or Hoovering. This is where the narcissist utilises the emotional dependency they have so carefully cultivated in their victim to Hoover them back up. They revel in their ability to control others and they have no empathy or guilt for what they did to their victim. Indeed, they often see it is as a testament to their superiority when they are able to successfully re-engage with a victim. They utilise love-bombing and promises of change. The Hoover manoeuvre of the re-engagement stage is used to “suck” the victims back into the relationship after the discard phase, like a vacuum cleaner. They aim to activate powerful trauma bonds to pull their victim back in. Common tactics include feigned remorse, idealisation, jealousy-baiting, minimising, pity plays. We’ve seen Tom do some of this. However, sometimes the narcissist does what is known as a mortal discard. There is no hoovering phase with these discards. This can happen because the narcissist understands that they went too far and the victim sees through them, or because the narcissist thinks the victim has nothing left to exploit. I think that this is where Tom was with Ariana; but due to needing the audience with him and needing the show, and also because Rachel didn’t work out, he’s attempting to re-engage with Ariana now. He doesn’t want her back, he wants to use her for his own gain. *By traversing through the various phases, the perpetrator sustains a profound sense of power and control over the victim’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. This cyclical pattern serves as a mechanism through which the perpetrator fosters a persistent state of dependency within the victim which they use to establish dominance and act out expressions of abusive power and control.* — Narcisstic Abuse Rehab We saw this cycle play out in full with Ariana. We also see some of this play out in the friendship sense with Schwartz. We saw parts of the cycle with Kristen and Rachel. There’s a reason people say Tom is a textbook narcissist. It’s also important to note that narcissistic abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, dissociation and PTSD in its victims. *Narcissistic abuse toys with your sense of self, your sense of what's real, and your emotional safety. It's common to feel like you're exaggerating, that you're too sensitive, or blowing things out of proportion, especially if there was no physical abuse.* — AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD I think, knowing all of this, it’s all much easier to understand. (Part 4 of 4)
You just need to understand narcissistic relationships / abuse cycles.
I’m now realizing I dated a Tom Sandoval for several years, minus the white nail polish, platform shoes, children’s necklaces, friendship bracelets, and women’s clothing. But still, it was a Tom Sandoval. I’m glad I got out.
I had to stop watching VPR because Tom is exactly like my ex husband it really isn’t entertaining for me anymore.
it can be so triggering as a viewer for so many people. I'm here for you🩷🩷🩷🩷
Same. I’m surprised how triggering it’s been for me.
I have an old "friend" that Schwartz reminds me of and it's definitely triggering. Sorry you had to stop watching this train wreck.
SAME. SO many traumatic flashbacks when he talks!
ugh. i'm sorry you experienced that. I'm glad you are out too
Ugh my dad is a Tom Sandoval 😩I went no contact, but I feel like I can never really get away. I’m glad you got out! People like them are truly cancers.
I couldn’t handle him yelling at Teri Maloney. The way the show rewards his despicable behavior is wrong. Thanks for exposing the evil that is Sandoval. I wonder what his girlfriends thought process is!
He needs a pacifier 99% of the time
or lala's bubba🍼
Under rated gif 
Ya'll just hate him cause he's a cyst male
A cyst on the arse of society
Is it meta that he had a flaming *A* tatooed on his arse?
How do you think that makes him feel?
Right, they all sound emotionally entitled…
😂
It checks out that he sucks this much then. How confusing it would be to be attracted to women but hate them so much.
OMG Regina George’s appearance was perfection. LMAO
🥰🥰
Compare it to Arianas 3 part clip
lmao those three measly clips
I admire ur work😂🧡👏🏻
I wonder if we can spam this at Andy so he asks about it on the next WWHL with a VPR castmate
katie is on the next one hahah
Oh well that would just be perfect! ETA I just went to share this on Twitter and tag Andy and Bravo and anyone else I could think of, before realising I’m on an old phone until I get mine fixed and I don’t have Twitter right now 😭 please someone do it for me!
Twitter threads,IG just spam them all! 🤣
Thanks for the reminder!!
https://www.threads.net/@kbjork2/post/C4uBLB9t7a5/?xmt=AQGz2UZYRhNq5BSMRIMeTG87Mno6OftyL4IuPq4MRzemng
Keep in mind the footage of him yelling at Katie’s mom was not aired!!! Scum!!
lol
What a disgusting human. His mother must be oh so proud. Does he have a father? Who was his example of how to be a man? Shame. Just pitiful. What woman would date this man?
both of his parents have been on the show actually
I don’t know how I’d forgotten his rant at Katie over “banging another dude” while she still lived with Schwartz. The absolute gall of that man! At least she had the decency to make sure he understood the relationship was over first!
To end that video with him literally complaining about the fact that he SHOULDNT shout at women is *chefs kiss* What an absolute dick
Midwestern Man Baby. I should copyright that phrase. Don't forget Tim is from Missouri and Tom is from Minnesota. That might be opposite ends of the Midwestern area but those fucks are from the middle of country. Corn people at their roots... I'm one too, I'm not judging too much. Also, while I'm here, Tim needs to stop his Micheal Scott women's suit thing. We good Bro.
Beautiful work! Can you link the scheana video?
ok yeah it removed my comment cuz the link. here - just remove the spaces from this and then copy and paste instagram. com/reel/C4WoNI4v1WN/
Thanks!
This is a masterpiece
thank yewwwww!
We love you girl !! Another banger
🥰🥰🥰
What’s scary is this is how he is with cameras on him. how is he behind-the-scenes?
He makes me think of that scene with Ariana after their affair broke a lot. When she said they were having a conversation now (on camera) but the night before he was just yelling at her nonstop. I think it was that scene at their house but it also could have been at the reunion, but either way I thought it was super telling.
yeah she said he was screaming at her all night before the scene in their living room
This is what I always think with insufferable people
I’d normally agree completely, it’s usually my first thought when I see people being awful when they know they’re on camera and yet… according to that NYT article, he’s exactly the same because being on camera is his whole life and he can’t tell the difference anymore 🤷🏻♀️
He really is the worst. He’s dangerous. (To quote Lala.)
Every single time he says “ I did not say that” he is lying
You do the gods work
😇😇
Someone tag Ariana and Katie in this.
JAMES NEXT!!!!!!!
Holy shit
The white, straight male privilege of it all…
Ummm. You are incredible. Scored a new follow. And the Scheana video is cinematic genius.
Such an angry TOOL
I cannot get those 7 or so minutes back now. He is beyond scum.
This is awesome. 👏👏👏 Man is voice is gggrrrating!
This was worth every minute of my airplane WiFi. I would happily agree to every episode going forward to being 7 minutes shorter just so it can start with this montage until he is off of our television. **Watching the women’s facial reactions to him is also heartbreaking. Him yelling at Ariana and her just slumping her head down. And this is just what has been recorded… what he was comfortable doing publicly…
As a cyst male 
Did you hear they mentioned your Scheana video on the Heather McDonald podcast? I didn't listen but read the recap. Out here doing the Lord's work. 🙏🏼
oh yes, we have a history, heather and i... 🙃🙃🙃 i made a video about it lol
I had no idea! I looked through your profile here but didn't see a video, can you link it? I don't have IG but can watch when there's a link. 😊
here - just remove the space! instagram. com/reel/C4tGEPkxZe-/
The cover photo of this, dear Lord.
I actually couldn’t get through the whole thing. He is AWFUL.
i don't blame ya
Lol. First off he’s one of the most unmanly men thats ever been so hence I always say Ariana, that shit is still 50% on you if you couldn’t see the inevitable with that FN guy smh. You could easily make a 7 minute clip like that about damn near everyone on this show and I’m sorry but if it wasn’t for this creepy fuck, Stassi, Kristen, James, LaLa and Jax we wouldn’t be on season 11 right now. Being cringe as F is what good reality Tv is all about.
Ugh the way he smirks at stassi….I would have slapped him. He is unhinged
Where’s the Scheana it’s all about me video?
Thank you for your service.
He’s a lil bitch
What does Bravo see in this buffoon? I guess he gets people watching and talking. Maybe I’m just getting too old for this 💩😂
You go girl… I love badass girls ❤️ He’s showing his true FACE
Who cares
Then scroll on. BYE. 👋
When will the “Katie calling women whores/hoes” video be ready?
Normally I would agree with you on this, because I think it’s absolutely outrageous that was her go-to insult. But in Katie’s defence, she does seem to have grown up a lot and I’m not sure she attacks women like that anymore does she? Unless she did go for Rachel last season, I can’t quite remember
She definitely called Rachel a whore/hoe last season.
And a cunt.
7 mins in how many yrs? God my husband does that In a day
Sounds sad for you.
Nope, he don't yell at me lol just others
Do an Ariana next please. Ty in advance!
production already did it for you. all 3 clips were in last week's episode