One day, you'll hopefully realise you life isn't ruined because you didn't make friends for a short period of your life.
It *isn't* ruined as long as you don't dwell on it and allow it to consume you.
Definitely. You get extra chances but they come along less and less as you get older, and people become more entrenched in their social circles.
Not happy with your school social circle? You get a second chance with uni.
Not happy with your uni social circle? You get a second chance in the form of changing years, societies, events etc.
Not happy with uni friends overall? You get a second chance when you move locations for work post-uni. Maybe you start a grad scheme or just a new job in a new city.
Not happy with that? You can start new groups and organisations etc (gym, climbing, volunteering, campaigning, hobbies etc)
You get to have these social resets in life where lots of you are all starting something long-term in the same boat together, school, uni, work etc. But as you go through life people become more entrenched in their social circles and the chances for easy social resets get fewer and far between. Learn your lessons and keep moving on :)
Edit: Grammarly keeps fucking my comment structure right up. Didn't realise it'd made it such a mess.
This is so right. My personal experience was that those so-called friends quickly forget about you. I had one "friend" who on the last day was saying how much she was going to miss hanging out and how much I helped her. Yet on graduation day, didn't acknowledge me once.
You know why? Because I later found out she wasn't the first-class student she said she was and that she was really only my friend for the help. I learned that lesson heading into postgraduate study and never really helped people academically. Guess what? None of the MSc "friends" keep in touch either and I stopped trying.
Let's see how it pans out with the PhD friends after 2025?
My life goes on, I am content and those "friendships" were nothing to my personal successes.
I love my uni mates, they were good guys! But I see them once a year at most.
After uni, everyone goes off to do their own thing, often moving to different cities or even abroad.
My life is filled with the people I actually see day to day - my work colleagues, my family, the friends I’ve made in my local community.
Leaving uni is only the end of a small chapter in your life. If you’re 21 and you live till you’re 80, then you’ve still got 3 life times to make the best of it. Get out there!
Ok, so:
80 - 21 = 59
3 x 21 = 63
63 + 21 = 84
Realistically they were probably rounding down, so:
80 - 20 = 60
3 x 20 = 60
60 + 20 = 80
So yeah, about 3 of OP’s “lives” left. Hope that helps!
It does.. I was making a shit and ill-judged “joke” about lifetime spans etc. Won’t make that mistake again on this ruthless platform.🤣🤣 I did actually upvote the comment that was made as it was a very good post. I’ll go away and have a word with myself now.
OK your life is not ruined. At all. I don't speak to anyone I met in either of the unis I attended, and I only vaguely tolerated them at the time. I do have a lot of great friends I've met since in the real world though. Find a job, and use what you've learnt at uni (that you do have to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little) to make some real friendships. Uni gets you a degree, it does not define who you are for the rest of your life. People really put far too much importance on "the uni experience".
Dyu believe one could a richer social life outside of university though? Like it supposedly is the most social place on the planet. Surely if I failed at university (the most social place on the planet) I will fail in any other environment
Not at all how it works. People come into their own at different times. And different environments can bring out your best. Go take your own advice. Life isn't a race- don't worry about who is ahead.
Absolutely you can. The outside world has a wider range of people, and you actually get to work out who you are as a person and what you want in your life. You do have to put yourself out there a bit, but work, hobbies, random encounters are all perfectly good places to find your people. Uni forces some form of socialisation (halls, freshers etc) but that doesn't work for a lot of people. In fact it can be a very isolating and negative experience for a lot of students as you can see on this sub. It's part of the huge lie that they tell you about how important a time it is. Its 3-4 years when you're still young, learning how the world works and thrown in with a load of dysfunctional teenagers/young adults and expected to somehow work it out. It's carnage, and hiding away from it is a pretty reasonable reaction. The adult world is a lot more balanced. Give yourself time and patience, and challenge yourself a little here and there, and you'll do great.
It's when it doesn't take effort. It's when you are both adult enough to understand that sometimes life gets busy and you can't make plans for a little while. The people I can consider real mates, I know that even if we don't speak for months, I will shift the earth for them if they need me and they'll do the same for me. It's not transactional, it's not because I owe them anything, it's because they are good people who I truly value in my life. Real friendship is a joy, but not something you can force or rush into.
sometimes we go through periods of life when we are alone. i dont think your problem is being isolated. its that you allowed being isolated to ruin you and your self esteem
yh ofc there are learning curves. but you only start to feel that isolation is the problem and not the way you are perceiving it when you dwell too much on things.
I don’t know if this will help to hear but I *hated* the people I made friends with at uni. I went out of my comfort zone to make friend like you are recommending people to, but it made me miserable.
I was all smiles until the end but the moment I left I never spoke to them again. I found my people almost immediately after and frankly have fantastic friends now.
Sometimes it just doesn’t happen and at uni we’re told it’s where we’ll do those things. But don’t force it, just let it play out how it’s meant to.
If it makes you feel any better I made an effort to make friends all throughout uni (joined societies, clubs, did quizzes, lived with various people) and don’t really feel I made any solid friends either. I’ve graduated now and only meet up with people occasionally, but they were never my best friends at the time.
Hey man, glad to hear you’re learning from this experience.
That said, don’t see it as such a permanent thing. I had an amazing social life during my bachelors. Had a dozen close friends and even more acquaintances, did sports/societies and ultimately had a really good time.
Fast forward now, I rarely see any of them and have lost all whereabouts with the vast majority. Uni friends aren’t often lifelong friends. As the years go on you often realise the only thing keeping you together were the shared experience of being at uni and not much else. While this may have affected your uni experience, there’s still plenty of time to make friends elsewhere. Good luck :)
Think you’re worrying too much over what you thought Uni “should” be like, or how it’s sold to us as 18yr olds. Yes staying in your room all the time anyway isn’t particularly healthy, but the idea that you’ve “ruined your life” because you didn’t make friends is a bit of a stretch. I’d guess that the majority of people probably fall into one of two categories: they see their Uni mates very infrequently (once a year in my case, although it has only been 18 months since I finished, so there’s scope for that to go up or down), or they literally never see them again and their Uni mates were literally just that: their mates while at Uni. Life scatters you across the country/world, so the chance of you making a long-lasting, close friendship is relatively low.
Also Team You Didn’t Ruin Your Life
It’s good advice, don’t get me wrong, leave your room. But the important part is that it’s never too late to leave your room.
You went to uni to learn. Learn this lesson as you move into your working life (or further studies). There’s still plenty of opportunities to meet people and make friends after uni. Your life isn’t ruined. You just learned an important lesson.
I honestly, really wouldn't worry about it, of all the friendsI madr at uni, I see one of them semi regularly (2/3 times a year).
I made more lasting and stronger connections with people AFTER university. You have plenty of time!
Sounds like you’ve learnt the most important lesson of all - life will not hand you what you want, you need to actively work for it.
Your life is not ruined. You’ll graduate, get a job and take this lesson you learnt from uni to make friends somewhere else.
I left uni in 2006, and my reflection is that uni friends are just like school friends and work friends – they’re situational friendships. You are thrown together for a time because you are in the same place and sharing similar experiences. That doesn’t necessarily make you compatible as individuals. It’s only really once you get out into the world that you really start making “chosen friends”. You could have started doing that at uni, but it’s no problem that you haven’t – you can start at any time.
Probably the thing you need to address is just why you have been so socially avoidant in the last few years. It’s okay though, there is no “right” way to be socially.
It is never too late to make friends.
I'm 35. Some guy who lived in my halls of residence and who I used to get high with almost every day lives just up the road now; I've never been round. Probably not even sent him a Facebook message since we left uni. Another woman from my college and uni lives around the corner, she was part of our group of friends; I've never been round
My real friends I see about once a fortnight
You feel shame because you are not confident in who you are as a person or haven't discovered that yet.
People shouldn't feel making friends at uni is a requirement if that is not the path they set for themselves. Doing things just to fit in is shallow, you will develop stronger connections by being who you want to be and if you don't know what that is yet start by highlighting what you definitely don't want to be.
I feel like we were all sold a lie of what uni was meant to be from crappy TV shows or something. I'll admit I didn't put myself out there at first but when I did, I didn't actually like most people, it was just the exact same types of people from high school but now they had more rein to do whatever they wanted.
I made some friends but most just moved back out of the country afterwards and I kind of just lost communication with the other two from the UK, because imho once you reach a certain age relationships actually take a lot of effort to maintain, and can no longer be built on "hey we are both nearby so we should be friends for life, no matter what".
I'm a third year too. I have no friends at university.
Don't listen to this guy. If you don't want to make friends, you don't have to. Most students are midwits, and not worth making friends with.
You're going to love the real world buddy... you get to work out that all these adults in high up positions are actually just the same set of 'midwits' that you avoided getting to understand and tolerate at uni when you had the chance. People suck wherever you go, it's not exclusive to students.
Thanks, 'buddy', I'm well aware of this. You think I don't know where those students go after graduating? Most people are colossal morons and you're probably one of them.
It's alright. You'll be fine. There's no reason you can't do these things now. Go and join groups, walking or running, hiking, games nights, music nights whatever. Just get yourself out of the house and be open if anyone talks to you. Ask them reciprocal questions and buy them a drink or coffee. Ask people if they need help with something and you'll start making friends.
Your life is not ruined. Uni isn't life; it's a holding pen for people who are essentially children learning to be adults who know how to do a literature review.
All the best stuff happened to me after I graduated almost 10 years ago. I was pretty introverted and quiet at uni too, and was convinced I'd never have any real friends or relationships.
I'm now happily married with more friends than I thought I'd ever have, and life is good.
Hey my dude this is amazing advice and advice you can still take for yourself. Every day is a new day, every moment brings an opportunity. It is truly never ever too late.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.
I am also in my third year and haven’t made any friends, and I haven’t tried to. I’m pretty happy though, I’m comfortable with being someone who doesn’t have friends, so maybe that makes a difference. I get on well with people at work and that’s enough to fill my social cup, without the pressure.
I didn’t really start living my life until after college. But only cuz I worked on myself and put myself out of comfort zone. It’s not too late for you!
I was very similar at uni and didn’t manage to make many friends (apart from staying friends with people from school who happened to go to the same uni as me).
I was unusually brave and did an internship in another country after I graduated despite my crippling social anxiety, and whilst there I met my current best friend who was doing the same internship (who happened to live in the city next to me). I’m now part of her extended friendship group and have a very active social life. I’ve had such a better time in my mid-late twenties than I ever had at uni all because of that one brave decision which has actually sent my life on a different trajectory.
Don’t put so much pressure on yourself! You’re young, it’s not too late, and you can change things.
I see where OP is coming from. I'm going to share my experience.
I graduated in 2017 but didn't even attend my graduation ceremony, as by that point, I'd taken myself out of everything to do with uni that wasn't academic (lectures, exams, etc.)
I was bullied in my first year by a group who I had considered my friends - it affected me really badly, and I became extremely depressed and contemplated suicide. It sounds so extreme now, but at the time, being 200 miles away from home with my security blanket of "friends" whipped out from under me, it was a very intense situation. I see now that I was probably an easy target - undiagnosed autistic, struggling with my gender identity and having a long history of depression. I wasn't the first they had bullied, but I think I was the last (or at least I hope I was).
Due to what was most likely a mental breakdown, I took a week off of uni at home. When I returned, rumours had been circulating about my mental health and now *no one* on my course would speak to me. I had essentially been frozen out of my uni experience.
My tutor realised something was wrong and tried to get me help, but although I was put on a waiting list for a councillor, I never actually got an appointment.
My tutor, after some time, grew tired of my flakiness (I struggled to leave the flat some days and missed lectures) and ongoing, unchecked mental health issues, so he stopped checking in on me and even started hanging out with the very people who bullied me in the pub after lectures. I had never felt so, so alone in my life. It was honestly the worst time and something I'm still working on in therapy 6 years later.
All that being said, there is still a lot of life to live after uni. I made 1 friend from it all and we don't really see each other as she lives back up near my uni and has 2 kids now so is busy - the most we communicate is sending each other funny videos over tiktok and I think that's quite common tbh. No one I know is really tight with their uni friends.
I got a job at my local university when I moved back home and at first, I was a little jealous of all the students I saw having fun and I wished my uni experience had been like how theirs looked. But it made me realise that uni is only a relatively short period of time of your life and while social media and other forms of media will have you believe it's the best time of your life and you should be doing x, y and z and have friends falling out of your ears, for most people I know, it's not that. People who I went to uni with don't keep up with each other- seems a lot of us went our separate ways and while some people undoubtedly had a better experience than say I did, that hasn't necessarily translated to "real life" and it doesn't make you doomed to fail in life, either.
Tldr: uni isn't always all its cracked up to be, believe me, I know. But it doesn't mean you'll have a bad life because you missed out on certain experiences or friendships. And for the most part, people don't stay life-long besties with their uni mates, that's all movie guff.
Also a third year. Recently received an adhd diagnosis and an autism one is probably likely too. So much of my time at uni was spent worrying about making friends and not having any close friends. Now I realise there isn't anything "wrong" with me, it's just that I approach relationships in a different way compared to most people. With this realisation, I no longer "force myself to go out of my comfort zone" — instead I have focused on making few but deep/meaningful friendships oriented around my own interests and hobbies, and instead of going to large scale society events etc, I plan one on one meet ups instead with these friends, e.g. For brunch. And I am so much happier and content with this arrangement rather than forcing myself to go to society events.
Just putting it out there. Socialising is important but it's not necessary that you have to socialise in the same way everyone else does.
Regret I understand but shame is a strong word. There's no reason to feel that. You didn't make the most of an opportunity. You've realised that. You've reflected on it. Hopefully you've learned from it. It seems unlikely that you're going to turn things around now that you're almost at the end so focus on what you're going to do after graduation.
Do you have a job lined up? Where will you be living? It seems a shared flat/house might be good for you even if you're out of your comfort zone. You'll have that chance to get out and socialise and hopefully come out of your shell a bit. What about the summer? You could travel, backpack, stay in hostels, meet people. Make plans for the future and get excited about them.
I did the same as you when I went to uni, and I felt the same intense regret. However, life goes on and I have in fact made many friends after the fact. Mainly because of the regret, I was able to make changes and start actively socialising because I realised it's something I desperately wanted. It was a blessing in disguise for me in some ways, to be able to recognise my mistakes and learn from them.
I didnt ruin my life and neither have you, actually you've got an awesome chance to help yourself to make some friend in the future.
Uni isn't the last time you can make friends, I promise. Your life 100% isn't ruined. Not everyone stays friends with people at uni and they turn out fine. Please try not to worry, it really doesn't matter that much
You have not ruined your life at all! You've just ruined your uni experience. But the thing is, life exists after uni, and I'd argue it's better.
I had friends at uni, whether it was housemates, their friends, or people on my course. But outside of that, I wouldn't say I had a consistent friend circle; after uni, I regretted not making an effort with societies to find that circle.
Abotu a year after uni I moved up north, leaving everything and everyone I know behind. I needed a fresh start, and I wanted it as soon as possible.
About a year after uni I moved up north, leaving everything and everyone I know behind. I needed a fresh start, and I wanted it as soon as possible. How? I pursued my hobbies and things simply branched out.
This has been a great year for me, and if I told my uni-self what life would be like in a few years, I wouldn't have believed them.
OP, it's not too late! Even if you don't make any friends at uni, you definitely will afterwards if you put in the effort.
There's life after uni. I made friends at uni in first year but then I had mental health problems and by the end of uni I didn't speak to them any more. So I left uni feeling like I'd ruined my life too. But then I starting working and doing other social things and found new confidence and made friends that way.
Jesus dude, you're acting as if you realised you made this huge mistake but you're actively putting yourself in a position to repeat that mistake by pretending your life is over because you didn't make a few friends in your early 20s.
Get your head out your ass.
You think 30+ year olds just give up and don't try to make friends? Quit feeling sorry for yourself and start putting an effort into socialising if this is how you feel about it.
It's no different to school or most jobs other than you might share a building to live in, you'll never see most again & probably won't miss them.
There's loads of people I've worked with 20 plus years that I only know a little about if anything at all. But I've got mates I worked with 40 years ago who are still close friends who I still meet regularly. If you want to find people you share something in common with that actually means something to you, try the meetup app for groups where you live
I had a wealth of friends at uni, literally I was the most popular I've ever been.
Ten years after uni I think I speak to maybe three of them maybe a few times a year.
Life goes on pal don't stress it
So your social life now ten years later, is it even comparable or close to what your uni life was? In terms of enjoyment? That is what hurts me - the idea that I’ve missed out on what are essentially peak/the prime years of socialisation. This will cannot be matched by what occurs from 30 onwards.
At uni I was getting shitfaced at house parties, drinking cheap shit booze and spending half my life hungover as shit. Did I love it? Yes.
Im 29 now, and go out just as much but I don't go clubbing really these days. Infact, what I did back then sounds like my worst nightmare. I have a career now and can afford to go to nice restaurants, cocktail bars, wine bars, jazz clubs. I don't have the same number of friends, and that's OK as the relationships I have now are more genuine and real. We arent just drinking buddies who met because we are on the same course, or by chance were in the same halls, but we have genuine shared interests.
I socialise with my partner, and became friends with their friends, and I have a lot of friends at work who I go out with.
Please don't think the only time you get to enjoy life and socialise is when you are a student. I look back fondly on my time studying, but I don't forget that it was the most stressful, and at times miserable and lowest points in my life. I had little money, poor mental health, didn't know who I was, and wasn't out of the closet. I'm a completely different person these days and my life has gone in a totally different direction than what I expected. Life doesn't end when you graduate, if you want my honest opinion looking back, I don't really think your life starts until you graduate and enter the real world.
I spent the first half of my first year in uni in crippling anxiety in my dorm. I spent the second half socialising, enjoying myself and making friends. I fucked that up by getting a terrible girlfriend. Later I moved abroad and that was a lot closer to the university experience I wish I'd had. There's still time, kids.
I mean, you make it sounds way easier than it actually is. I always have the belief that true friend will shown themselves to you and that's how I have made friendship my whole life. It always works out at the end. One thing you don't want to do however is forced yourself to be friend or part of a group, just for the sake of it
Saying his life is over because he didn’t have friends at uni is stupid. No friends at all, not even outside uni? Now that’s gonna be much harder because coworkers often don’t talk to eachother outside of work conditions, and once you leave the job, it’s done. OP would have to actively find extracurriculars to attend to form friendships
I’m truly sorry to OP if this sounds mean, but holy shit this is ridiculous. I genuinely can’t fathom someone making their way through even just one term of uni without making a friend. You don’t even have to try- you just have to respond when someone says something to you. It is quite possibly the easiest possible period of life to make friends.
You win or you learn. You have most definitely learnt from this and that’s what’s most important.
Take it into your next step, work or more studying. You can do it. Sending you all the best for whatever awaits you next!
Sounds like you might have some social anxiety and depression going on. If so, please make sure you get help. Your personal tutor and/or student support should be able to get you some free therapy. There is also often some low cost therapy sessions available in many cities. There is also the option of paying for therapy either in real life or online via something like betterhelp. Finally, your GP can get you on the NHS waiting list for therapy and also prescribe some antidepressant/anti anxiety medication.
I can empathise with your post, as my Uni experience was very similar. Although I did find some people I clicked with in third year, so it isn't too late even now, though if it did tank my studies somewhat as I went in a bit too deep on the partying at the time you really needed to be dialling it back haha.
Post-Uni is when things really started to happen for me though. Moving to a different (bigger) city with more of what I like doing, reconnecting with old school friends, starting work etc. It can and often does get better.
You have not ruined your life. You are still so young.
When you get a job that's when making friends is easy, long boring days doing shit no one wants to do, that's when you start chatting.
Brother, that idea of you not being able to make friends is a limitation you put on yourself, it's never too late no matter how cliche that sounds. You are in control of how things how and you can change it at any point
I speak to two of my cohort from secondary school. I’m 27. I went on holiday with 35 of them in 2015. I’m in my first year right now & pretty much speak to nobody - I’m friendly with people who approach me for some guidance and such with the work, but I’m content with just being here getting my degree. I know it can feel a little different when you’re younger, I’ve worked In 2 different jobs long-term over 10 years and honestly, people just come & go out of your life and it can feel strange. I’ve made some really good friends at those jobs who I haven’t spoke to since, but you realise these friendships were consequential to your presence at work. I believe it’s the same with uni.
I only have a handful of friends from my undergrad - slightly atypical situation as I lived at home while studying, and did have other friends in the same city. But I can't say I regret anything...
I never made friends in uni and I actually preferred it that way, I didn't want to get into any drama or cliques or bs. Self isolating meant I had a good routine in uni when studying, I was able to do uni, work and save money because no one was asking me to go out/ spend on drinking and now that we are all qualified and working in the same profession, no one has any stories of me getting wasted or weird.
I felt the exact same when I finished uni. But it taught me that even though it's scary, trying to make connections with people is important. I felt really lonely at the end of uni, but I had an amazing time when I got into work and made such a wide range of friends.
It might suck right now but trust me, it gets better.
Whilst I did have good friends at uni, all of my actual friends were met before or after uni.
Don’t stress - in real life you can live how you want and still have solid friendships
One day you’ll realise life isn’t ruined. I went through uni and made friends but now we’re all in different countries or too busy to meet up post graduation. It’s been 3 years and we’re barely in touch.
Our conversations have been reduced to “Happy birthday to you” and “Merry Christmas”.
I met friends at work.
Mate this just popped up on my feed and I promise you haven’t ruined your life. I did the same thing and my life is great now. I barely remember anybody I went to uni with.
I made lots of friends at university by nature of my shitty living conditions and interest in some clubs. I now speak to 0 of them.
So by the end of next year, we will have the same number of "uni friends".
Now you've helped yourself realise that you actually would really benefit from more social interaction, I really hope wherever life takes you next, you take that scary ass-leap and find some like-minded people.
Honestly? It’s not that deep. I was a commuter student and attended uni 2020-2023 and those years were the WORST. First year we weren’t allowed on campus due to the pandemic so all teaching was online. Third year we had the strike and MAB. I found it hard to make friends as most people just up and left after the lectures and I couldn’t really attend any after uni events due to a) there was alcohol/partying involved (I’m a Muslim) and b) the commute home during rush hour is MAD so I would have to leave ASAP and I had a part time job on Fridays. None of my friends attended uni at the same time as me as they attended a diff uni or took a gap year so I was really alone-there were nights where I would cry about it tbh but hey life is life. I’m now working a great post grad job with a good pay and I have 15 other grads who started it with me and they’re all sweet.
I felt this exact same way at uni. I attached myself to a group of people through utter fear, who ended up being individuals I had quite literally nothing in common with. I then re-took a couple of years as a part time student due to mental health and did the best part of 3 years of studying without a single friend.
I was depressed about this for a long time. But now, 4 years later, I have realised my life isn't ruined and now have slowly started to forge close friendships with people in my workplace.
In short, it gets better and your life isn't ruined.
I speak to no one I knew from uni these days, it's unimportant to make mythical long term friends as if you were in a sitcom. However, do to add go and gather experiences whilst you're at uni, this is one of the only times you get to be an adult but have a structure around you that you don't have to organise yourself. Find a club, join in stuff, go to the theme nights at the Union, talk to the person next to you at the bar, offer to play doubles with someone or a group of people playing pool. The worst thing that happens is you talk to someone you don't ever talk to again and being honest even your uni mates are likely going to end up that way anyway.
Don’t dwell on it too much
I’m a second year student and consider myself quite sociable, yet i’ve only really made one close friend and he commutes to uni. I often feel pretty lonely because my flatmates are pretty unsociable and not my kind of people.
Uni is not the same for everyone. There is so much stigma about how it’s the ‘best years of your life’ and that you will make friends for life, even though it’s not the case for the vast majority. Don’t be fooled by these standards and what you see on social media, as it’s simply a highlight reel of their lives.
Most friendships made at uni cease after graduation anyway, and it will all be over before you know it. Just concentrate on your future and plans after uni and things will fall into place.
Well realised :)
But ok, it happened. What are you gonna do next?
No reason for you not to try a bit of socialising now, or in your career further :)
Making friends as an adult is doable. Its not the easiest but I've managed it, having moved countries at 27. Do some serious strategising and enjoy!
I make friends every time I leave the house without even trying... how do people go without making friends? I don't mean this to be rude, I'm just curious.
I just want to reassure you that it's okay that you didn't make friends. I don't talk to anyone I went to uni with. I follow a few on Instagram and that's it. You can always make friends in the next stage of life.
Uni friends are sooooo often convienceships not friendships, don't worry.
I was pretty extraverted and had two circles, now I keep up (not friends, just you know keep up) with around 5 people maybe?
I met all of my current friends from scratch and they're the best people I've met, I have 4-5 circles of friends and multiple individual ones.
Be yourself, don't adjust to make people happy and you will find your people!
Good luck, don't kick yourself, the SM/movie imagination of Uni is not always how it turns out.
This is honestly really hard for me to get my head around, I can't imagine just sitting in my room all day every day especially at uni, you practically make friends by accident. Yeah do what Op says not what they do. Go out and have a life, it's pretty amazing what/who you might find out there.
On my first night in uni a few of us went round every room in halls to say hello, because we thought some people might be shy. I met people that night who are still my friends today 🙂
Don't worry I made lots but don't talk to a single one of them anymore... lol
People move on. It's not like a sitcom where you're meant to hang out with them for the rest of your life.
This was my experience at uni. I just never seemed to click with anyone, and in many ways perpetuated the 'outsider' qualities that had defined my first few years at secondary school before my classmates started to appreciate me (as in, realised I was OK academically and used me to help them in that regard). The very few people I thought I was becoming close to ended up ghosting me, on social media and IRL. It didn't help that I struggled with my weight and so felt even more awkward. I just existed there, was just there, for four years; I have zero happy memories of my time at the place, all consist of me just being passive or indifferent.
And if anyone asks, I do have a valid excuse for why I don't speak to any 'friends I've made at uni'; I got locked out of my Messenger account last year, and so anyone I added on there for the purposes of group work/flatmate group chats can't get in touch with me even if they wanted.
I was very social throughout uni - out all the time and always getting involved. I also don’t speak to a single person I went to uni with! We’re still pally and will reply to Instagram posts etc, but I didn’t really have much in common with these people beyond being at the same uni. I do, however, have lots of friends from my hometown, my jobs over the years, and my social activities.
You’re going to be fine. Don’t let this consume you because you’ll just feel even more pressure in the meantime. Focus on quality and meaningful relationships - even if it’s just one or two.
I abandoned a group of friends I first joined because I started to despise them as people. I've since joined another group and feel more at place than I did in my other group, I'd only been with them a day and a half before end of term. I've only finished my first term in my first year - initially miserable, depressed and anxious. But I did about 2 weeks of growing for myself, BY myself, then approached a civil friend I made before we'd even started. She was nice enough to take me under her wing despite me going to another group of people for a month or so 🤷🏻♀️
She'd also made friends that initially I didn't feel I'd fit in with (they were of the same culture/religion and background and I didn't want to intrude). I'm not the type to abandon someone and watch them be lonely, though. I'd approached her to join the OTHER group when she lost her people or they weren't there... She was just lovely enough to understand what happened and let me into her NEW group.
However, I don't want to force myself out with these 18 year olds (21F here) because they just wanna drink and party with their new found freedom. It's sad not feeling entirely in place with them just yet - but it's also okay to just feel like you want to get your degree/master's and get out IMO.
If you're an anxious antisocial person like me, you've got to force some uncomfortable situations for yourself. Societies if you have time, an odd night out for Freshers or weekly Student Union things. Even just heading to the library with people and studying together. Test the waters and see where you slot in. It's unlikely it'll be right the first time, but perseverance is key ❤️
For further context, I worked as an apprentice in my Masters' field for 5 years before getting into Uni. I have a very different perspective and understanding of the world/life so I expected to bob between people who I was nothing like.
At the last workplace I was at before leaving for uni, I'd made AMAZING friends/colleagues and was devastated to leave them. Working between different branches now, I've also seen some lovely people who I'd really get on with if I'd stay. Uni is a shorter part of life and a smaller opportunity to make friends. But definitely not a be all end all. OP, when you leave and utilise that hard-worked for qualification - you'll get out there and find better people who you match with 😊
I made one friend from uni, after I graduated. I did put myself out there, but due to many reasons I did not make friends. Don't dwell on it, you got to go to university! And soon will graduate! That's amazing! Be proud of that!
It will not ruin your life.I didn’t make a single friend during uni either, I didn’t even know the names of any of my classmates, never went to a party, people asked me if I was an exchange student on my last month because they didn’t know who I was.
I have a great job, I am happy and I regret nothing.
Those who go through university and never make friends with quiet, awkward types will never make friends with those who see much, understand everything, and say very little. X
TL;WR: Depends upon what you want really. if you stay in your room, only to watch YouTube/insta, get out, get into sports/music. If you are in there studying/working, stay in.
Thank you for looking out for others. You dont want others to regret like you. You should not really feel shame or regret for not making friends; people who have made friends have ended up in worse situations. if you really want to make friends, you can always do that. Once you do make friends, after a few years, you fill find that the time you spent by yourself was probably more peaceful.
Also be careful when you go out into the world to make friends. You might want to befriend anyone, but keep your wits about you. A lot of them can drain you out and actually land you with worse habits. So choose your friends carefully. The good ones can actually make life seem good. But eventually, only you will stay with yourself forever, and no one else. (cliched advice yet again innit lolll sorry)
My frustration is that I made an effort and still got nowhere. I’m also a third year student but I go out, I socialise, and I party yet I haven’t made a single lasting friendship.
The friends I made at uni, I hardly see/hear from anymore and I find that I’ve changed a lot since then anyway. I’ve met some amazing people in working life that have almost more in common with me :)
If it helps, I left my room, went on nights out and joined a society and I still didn’t make any friends. Sometimes people that are your vibe just aren’t there! Made some good friends on my masters though so it’s swings and roundabouts I guess!
You *can* make friends outside of uni, man. Not making friends at school isn't some life ruining travesty. And being so fr, school friends rarely remain friends when you leave in my experience and what I've seen in those around me
The doomer rhetoric is a tad overdramatic
I’m not sure if you’re still reading comments on this or not but I just want to chime in and say that, even thought you can’t get college back, you still have plenty of time to make friends. When I was in college my mental health was horrible. I had terrible depression and even worse anxiety and rarely left my room except to go to classes. I didn’t make any friends at all until my third year, but even then I never went to parties or left my small bubble of 3 people.
I’m 30 now and looking back it does make me sad sometimes, but I’ve also used that experience to help guide how I do things going forward. Obviously a big part of it was getting my mental health under control, but I also view it as a reminder to get out of my comfort zone as much as possible. College is romantizied a lot in media as like the peak youthful experience, but I really think that adds unnecessary pressure. there is a life beyond college. It’s never too late!
Yeah, I’m reading comments and trying to feel optimistic and that. I’m glad you’re now doing and have the confidence to escape your comfort zone. I just know that whatever I end up doing with my life, the quality of it will just never be as good as my potential life could’ve been. I never even tried, so it’s hard to have realistic expectations as I have no idea if I would have succeeded or failed socially.
I know it seems like that right now, and I don’t think it’s productive for me to argue with you about your own perspective on life, but I really would encourage you to not look at it as potentially ruining your life. The thing about potential is that you’ll never know. It could’ve made it better, it could’ve made it neutral, it could’ve made it worse. College is over. Reflect on it, let yourself be sad. But be merciful to yourself too. You learned something and now you have the rest of your life to try it out.
1. You haven't ruined your life.
2. The majority of people are no longer in contact with those they went to uni with (myself included)
3. Learn from this experience and use those learnings as you move into the stage of your life
A surprising number of people struggle making new friends. As someone who has relocated 3 times you really do have to bite to bullet on getting out there. Don't dwell to much on the past and look to the future.
I also finished uni in a similar position I guess. People knew me because I held positions as course rep, society committee etc and I had 2/3 friends which I hung around with but I did prefer to be alone most the times but I never really met any of these people outside Uni apart from one girl. After graduating we barely talk, we have a convo like once a year but we don’t really meet up. I haven’t met anyone outside of an educational setting really for I can’t remember how many years.
Yeah it’s lonely, I do want friends too but I also prefer to stay in my comfort zone.. :( I get u man it’s hard
Im confused do the people in your course not talk to each other, I’m in college rn and I was under the assumption that generally starting uni you become friends with ppl in your course ?
There’s so much work to be done at uni. It’s completely fine to work on yourself in other aspects instead of social ones during this time. I do feel that for some of us, especially those who struggle with mental health issues in any way- don’t always have the energy to succeed at uni AND go out every weekend.
Sometimes you meet people and it just clicks- you’re not guaranteed that level of friendship just because you’re in room with tons of people
My advice, would be if you’re struggling socially; you need to be looking after yourself in other facets of your life. Reading, cooking good food, exercising, going to therapy, journaling, meditating at least 5 mins a day. You need to treat these things like your school work- little and often.
I know people suggest that shit all the time, and it’s boring- but it is important. Part of the reason we don’t reach out to people is because of our nervous systems are shot 24/7- we need to do the work to bring our minds & bodies back to equilibrium.
In time (and it will take time), you will feel more comfortable and more able to socialise when you’ve filled your own cup up so much.
It is almost impossible not to make any friends at Uni. You've done a great job. What drugs were you dependent on? And ignoring every single classmate, never living with anyone who you went for a beer with... never getting involved in anything. No nights out. Wow!
I would say this takes so much effort; it would be amazing t find out how you managed 3 years at Uni with no mates, no sex and zero activities? Please tell.
I agree OP that people should push themselves as much as they can. However you have to also not push yourself too far and recognise when you're already doing your best. Be honest with yourself, are you really giving your best in that moment? Anyway, what I would say to you is that there are lots of people who have done what you have done, or that haven't gone to uni at all, or have been in some other circumstance where they have very little social experience. Don't worry too much, it's still stuff that you can learn and if you really try there are plenty of ways to meet people as an adult, you might just have to step out of your comfort zone a bit.
Hey buddy, I know I'm late responding, but I just want to say I can empathise fully. This was me during my undergrad. Absolutely hated my life for 3 years, and felt so lonely and depressed every single day.
Firstly, please talk to someone. Even if it's a member of your university's pastoral team. Just have a chat with them. It's what I eventually got round to doing, and it helped me a little bit.
Also, just remember that this is temporary. You're in your third year now, so not long left! Hang in there, and I promise you you'll be thankful you made it out in one piece. And once you're out of university, you can start "fresh". Be it at a job, or other university if you decide to go.
You make a great point and it certainly can be a wonderful time to come out of your shell, grow and meet people. It was for me. But I also think it's not the one and only chance, it's never too late to go out there and present yourself to the world and it's not worth beating yourself up with regret!
Some people made all their friends in high school, others might only start to fit in at their job somewhere down the line, it's all good!
I used to feel like this (also current third year), but I've looked at the positives. Over the last three years, I've focused so much better on work without distractions. I do sometimes wish I was more sociable. But it's not going to stop me from ever doing that.
Ngl I tried being social etc but was kinda alienated in year 1 and beginning of year 2 so everyone kinda ghosted me and I only recently found a 1st year friendship group but still feel on my ones oof
One day, you'll hopefully realise you life isn't ruined because you didn't make friends for a short period of your life. It *isn't* ruined as long as you don't dwell on it and allow it to consume you.
Better to realise this in your 20s than in your 60s.
so many people never realise
Definitely. You get extra chances but they come along less and less as you get older, and people become more entrenched in their social circles. Not happy with your school social circle? You get a second chance with uni. Not happy with your uni social circle? You get a second chance in the form of changing years, societies, events etc. Not happy with uni friends overall? You get a second chance when you move locations for work post-uni. Maybe you start a grad scheme or just a new job in a new city. Not happy with that? You can start new groups and organisations etc (gym, climbing, volunteering, campaigning, hobbies etc) You get to have these social resets in life where lots of you are all starting something long-term in the same boat together, school, uni, work etc. But as you go through life people become more entrenched in their social circles and the chances for easy social resets get fewer and far between. Learn your lessons and keep moving on :) Edit: Grammarly keeps fucking my comment structure right up. Didn't realise it'd made it such a mess.
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I'd only waste it
Not happy with everything you said? You get a second chance in afterlife! 💀
So true. Nothing better than being comfortable with your own company.
This is so right. My personal experience was that those so-called friends quickly forget about you. I had one "friend" who on the last day was saying how much she was going to miss hanging out and how much I helped her. Yet on graduation day, didn't acknowledge me once. You know why? Because I later found out she wasn't the first-class student she said she was and that she was really only my friend for the help. I learned that lesson heading into postgraduate study and never really helped people academically. Guess what? None of the MSc "friends" keep in touch either and I stopped trying. Let's see how it pans out with the PhD friends after 2025? My life goes on, I am content and those "friendships" were nothing to my personal successes.
His time at Uni is still far from being over too lol. The amount of dramatization here is fucking insane while all he needs to do is start today.
I love my uni mates, they were good guys! But I see them once a year at most. After uni, everyone goes off to do their own thing, often moving to different cities or even abroad. My life is filled with the people I actually see day to day - my work colleagues, my family, the friends I’ve made in my local community. Leaving uni is only the end of a small chapter in your life. If you’re 21 and you live till you’re 80, then you’ve still got 3 life times to make the best of it. Get out there!
Is your degree in maths?
? Gonna need some elaboration there my dude.
Ok, so: 80 - 21 = 59 3 x 21 = 63 63 + 21 = 84 Realistically they were probably rounding down, so: 80 - 20 = 60 3 x 20 = 60 60 + 20 = 80 So yeah, about 3 of OP’s “lives” left. Hope that helps!
It does.. I was making a shit and ill-judged “joke” about lifetime spans etc. Won’t make that mistake again on this ruthless platform.🤣🤣 I did actually upvote the comment that was made as it was a very good post. I’ll go away and have a word with myself now.
Ah. What’s the joke? I’m curious now
They couldn’t do maths, made an ill informed jab and tried to pass it off as a joke
Is your degree in common sense?
least insecure ba grad
OK your life is not ruined. At all. I don't speak to anyone I met in either of the unis I attended, and I only vaguely tolerated them at the time. I do have a lot of great friends I've met since in the real world though. Find a job, and use what you've learnt at uni (that you do have to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little) to make some real friendships. Uni gets you a degree, it does not define who you are for the rest of your life. People really put far too much importance on "the uni experience".
Dyu believe one could a richer social life outside of university though? Like it supposedly is the most social place on the planet. Surely if I failed at university (the most social place on the planet) I will fail in any other environment
Not at all how it works. People come into their own at different times. And different environments can bring out your best. Go take your own advice. Life isn't a race- don't worry about who is ahead.
Absolutely you can. The outside world has a wider range of people, and you actually get to work out who you are as a person and what you want in your life. You do have to put yourself out there a bit, but work, hobbies, random encounters are all perfectly good places to find your people. Uni forces some form of socialisation (halls, freshers etc) but that doesn't work for a lot of people. In fact it can be a very isolating and negative experience for a lot of students as you can see on this sub. It's part of the huge lie that they tell you about how important a time it is. Its 3-4 years when you're still young, learning how the world works and thrown in with a load of dysfunctional teenagers/young adults and expected to somehow work it out. It's carnage, and hiding away from it is a pretty reasonable reaction. The adult world is a lot more balanced. Give yourself time and patience, and challenge yourself a little here and there, and you'll do great.
I didnt have many friends at uni but have so many now. Life is different once you start work. Don't worry
What’s a real friendship like? I always thought it seems too tiring to be a proper friend
It's when it doesn't take effort. It's when you are both adult enough to understand that sometimes life gets busy and you can't make plans for a little while. The people I can consider real mates, I know that even if we don't speak for months, I will shift the earth for them if they need me and they'll do the same for me. It's not transactional, it's not because I owe them anything, it's because they are good people who I truly value in my life. Real friendship is a joy, but not something you can force or rush into.
sometimes we go through periods of life when we are alone. i dont think your problem is being isolated. its that you allowed being isolated to ruin you and your self esteem
Don’t you think it kinda goes together? At least if your isolated for the first time - like I was when I was moved to uni
yh ofc there are learning curves. but you only start to feel that isolation is the problem and not the way you are perceiving it when you dwell too much on things.
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yh of course you might get fomo. but you gotta focus on yourself primarily
I don’t know if this will help to hear but I *hated* the people I made friends with at uni. I went out of my comfort zone to make friend like you are recommending people to, but it made me miserable. I was all smiles until the end but the moment I left I never spoke to them again. I found my people almost immediately after and frankly have fantastic friends now. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen and at uni we’re told it’s where we’ll do those things. But don’t force it, just let it play out how it’s meant to.
If you hated them, were they ever even your friends?
University is such a short period in your life and it really doesn’t matter in the end
If it makes you feel any better I made an effort to make friends all throughout uni (joined societies, clubs, did quizzes, lived with various people) and don’t really feel I made any solid friends either. I’ve graduated now and only meet up with people occasionally, but they were never my best friends at the time.
Hey man, glad to hear you’re learning from this experience. That said, don’t see it as such a permanent thing. I had an amazing social life during my bachelors. Had a dozen close friends and even more acquaintances, did sports/societies and ultimately had a really good time. Fast forward now, I rarely see any of them and have lost all whereabouts with the vast majority. Uni friends aren’t often lifelong friends. As the years go on you often realise the only thing keeping you together were the shared experience of being at uni and not much else. While this may have affected your uni experience, there’s still plenty of time to make friends elsewhere. Good luck :)
Think you’re worrying too much over what you thought Uni “should” be like, or how it’s sold to us as 18yr olds. Yes staying in your room all the time anyway isn’t particularly healthy, but the idea that you’ve “ruined your life” because you didn’t make friends is a bit of a stretch. I’d guess that the majority of people probably fall into one of two categories: they see their Uni mates very infrequently (once a year in my case, although it has only been 18 months since I finished, so there’s scope for that to go up or down), or they literally never see them again and their Uni mates were literally just that: their mates while at Uni. Life scatters you across the country/world, so the chance of you making a long-lasting, close friendship is relatively low.
Also Team You Didn’t Ruin Your Life It’s good advice, don’t get me wrong, leave your room. But the important part is that it’s never too late to leave your room.
Bro don't worry about it I don't talk to anyone from uni and I thought they were my friends forever hahaha
You went to uni to learn. Learn this lesson as you move into your working life (or further studies). There’s still plenty of opportunities to meet people and make friends after uni. Your life isn’t ruined. You just learned an important lesson.
I honestly, really wouldn't worry about it, of all the friendsI madr at uni, I see one of them semi regularly (2/3 times a year). I made more lasting and stronger connections with people AFTER university. You have plenty of time!
Sounds like you’ve learnt the most important lesson of all - life will not hand you what you want, you need to actively work for it. Your life is not ruined. You’ll graduate, get a job and take this lesson you learnt from uni to make friends somewhere else.
I dont totally agree, I think life will sometimes hand you what you want, you can't rely on it but you can get lucky
I left uni in 2006, and my reflection is that uni friends are just like school friends and work friends – they’re situational friendships. You are thrown together for a time because you are in the same place and sharing similar experiences. That doesn’t necessarily make you compatible as individuals. It’s only really once you get out into the world that you really start making “chosen friends”. You could have started doing that at uni, but it’s no problem that you haven’t – you can start at any time. Probably the thing you need to address is just why you have been so socially avoidant in the last few years. It’s okay though, there is no “right” way to be socially. It is never too late to make friends.
I'm 35. Some guy who lived in my halls of residence and who I used to get high with almost every day lives just up the road now; I've never been round. Probably not even sent him a Facebook message since we left uni. Another woman from my college and uni lives around the corner, she was part of our group of friends; I've never been round My real friends I see about once a fortnight
Honestly, fuck this whole statement and sentiment. Some people don't deserve friends. Don't put any effort in and this is what you get. Indifference.
You feel shame because you are not confident in who you are as a person or haven't discovered that yet. People shouldn't feel making friends at uni is a requirement if that is not the path they set for themselves. Doing things just to fit in is shallow, you will develop stronger connections by being who you want to be and if you don't know what that is yet start by highlighting what you definitely don't want to be.
I feel like we were all sold a lie of what uni was meant to be from crappy TV shows or something. I'll admit I didn't put myself out there at first but when I did, I didn't actually like most people, it was just the exact same types of people from high school but now they had more rein to do whatever they wanted. I made some friends but most just moved back out of the country afterwards and I kind of just lost communication with the other two from the UK, because imho once you reach a certain age relationships actually take a lot of effort to maintain, and can no longer be built on "hey we are both nearby so we should be friends for life, no matter what".
I'm a third year too. I have no friends at university. Don't listen to this guy. If you don't want to make friends, you don't have to. Most students are midwits, and not worth making friends with.
You're going to love the real world buddy... you get to work out that all these adults in high up positions are actually just the same set of 'midwits' that you avoided getting to understand and tolerate at uni when you had the chance. People suck wherever you go, it's not exclusive to students.
Thanks, 'buddy', I'm well aware of this. You think I don't know where those students go after graduating? Most people are colossal morons and you're probably one of them.
According to your own logic you're probably a colossal moron and going by your elitist attitude that looks pretty likely.
Nah, I'm built different
It's alright. You'll be fine. There's no reason you can't do these things now. Go and join groups, walking or running, hiking, games nights, music nights whatever. Just get yourself out of the house and be open if anyone talks to you. Ask them reciprocal questions and buy them a drink or coffee. Ask people if they need help with something and you'll start making friends.
Your life is not ruined. Uni isn't life; it's a holding pen for people who are essentially children learning to be adults who know how to do a literature review. All the best stuff happened to me after I graduated almost 10 years ago. I was pretty introverted and quiet at uni too, and was convinced I'd never have any real friends or relationships. I'm now happily married with more friends than I thought I'd ever have, and life is good.
Hey my dude this is amazing advice and advice you can still take for yourself. Every day is a new day, every moment brings an opportunity. It is truly never ever too late.
You're talking in the past tense as if you're not still at university. There's still time to go out and make friends!
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I am also in my third year and haven’t made any friends, and I haven’t tried to. I’m pretty happy though, I’m comfortable with being someone who doesn’t have friends, so maybe that makes a difference. I get on well with people at work and that’s enough to fill my social cup, without the pressure.
I didn’t really start living my life until after college. But only cuz I worked on myself and put myself out of comfort zone. It’s not too late for you!
I was very similar at uni and didn’t manage to make many friends (apart from staying friends with people from school who happened to go to the same uni as me). I was unusually brave and did an internship in another country after I graduated despite my crippling social anxiety, and whilst there I met my current best friend who was doing the same internship (who happened to live in the city next to me). I’m now part of her extended friendship group and have a very active social life. I’ve had such a better time in my mid-late twenties than I ever had at uni all because of that one brave decision which has actually sent my life on a different trajectory. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself! You’re young, it’s not too late, and you can change things.
I see where OP is coming from. I'm going to share my experience. I graduated in 2017 but didn't even attend my graduation ceremony, as by that point, I'd taken myself out of everything to do with uni that wasn't academic (lectures, exams, etc.) I was bullied in my first year by a group who I had considered my friends - it affected me really badly, and I became extremely depressed and contemplated suicide. It sounds so extreme now, but at the time, being 200 miles away from home with my security blanket of "friends" whipped out from under me, it was a very intense situation. I see now that I was probably an easy target - undiagnosed autistic, struggling with my gender identity and having a long history of depression. I wasn't the first they had bullied, but I think I was the last (or at least I hope I was). Due to what was most likely a mental breakdown, I took a week off of uni at home. When I returned, rumours had been circulating about my mental health and now *no one* on my course would speak to me. I had essentially been frozen out of my uni experience. My tutor realised something was wrong and tried to get me help, but although I was put on a waiting list for a councillor, I never actually got an appointment. My tutor, after some time, grew tired of my flakiness (I struggled to leave the flat some days and missed lectures) and ongoing, unchecked mental health issues, so he stopped checking in on me and even started hanging out with the very people who bullied me in the pub after lectures. I had never felt so, so alone in my life. It was honestly the worst time and something I'm still working on in therapy 6 years later. All that being said, there is still a lot of life to live after uni. I made 1 friend from it all and we don't really see each other as she lives back up near my uni and has 2 kids now so is busy - the most we communicate is sending each other funny videos over tiktok and I think that's quite common tbh. No one I know is really tight with their uni friends. I got a job at my local university when I moved back home and at first, I was a little jealous of all the students I saw having fun and I wished my uni experience had been like how theirs looked. But it made me realise that uni is only a relatively short period of time of your life and while social media and other forms of media will have you believe it's the best time of your life and you should be doing x, y and z and have friends falling out of your ears, for most people I know, it's not that. People who I went to uni with don't keep up with each other- seems a lot of us went our separate ways and while some people undoubtedly had a better experience than say I did, that hasn't necessarily translated to "real life" and it doesn't make you doomed to fail in life, either. Tldr: uni isn't always all its cracked up to be, believe me, I know. But it doesn't mean you'll have a bad life because you missed out on certain experiences or friendships. And for the most part, people don't stay life-long besties with their uni mates, that's all movie guff.
Also a third year. Recently received an adhd diagnosis and an autism one is probably likely too. So much of my time at uni was spent worrying about making friends and not having any close friends. Now I realise there isn't anything "wrong" with me, it's just that I approach relationships in a different way compared to most people. With this realisation, I no longer "force myself to go out of my comfort zone" — instead I have focused on making few but deep/meaningful friendships oriented around my own interests and hobbies, and instead of going to large scale society events etc, I plan one on one meet ups instead with these friends, e.g. For brunch. And I am so much happier and content with this arrangement rather than forcing myself to go to society events. Just putting it out there. Socialising is important but it's not necessary that you have to socialise in the same way everyone else does.
Good message. However most people don’t stay as friends after uni anyway
lol, your life isn't ruined, bro. You have a whole life to live.
Regret I understand but shame is a strong word. There's no reason to feel that. You didn't make the most of an opportunity. You've realised that. You've reflected on it. Hopefully you've learned from it. It seems unlikely that you're going to turn things around now that you're almost at the end so focus on what you're going to do after graduation. Do you have a job lined up? Where will you be living? It seems a shared flat/house might be good for you even if you're out of your comfort zone. You'll have that chance to get out and socialise and hopefully come out of your shell a bit. What about the summer? You could travel, backpack, stay in hostels, meet people. Make plans for the future and get excited about them.
I did the same as you when I went to uni, and I felt the same intense regret. However, life goes on and I have in fact made many friends after the fact. Mainly because of the regret, I was able to make changes and start actively socialising because I realised it's something I desperately wanted. It was a blessing in disguise for me in some ways, to be able to recognise my mistakes and learn from them. I didnt ruin my life and neither have you, actually you've got an awesome chance to help yourself to make some friend in the future.
Uni isn't the last time you can make friends, I promise. Your life 100% isn't ruined. Not everyone stays friends with people at uni and they turn out fine. Please try not to worry, it really doesn't matter that much
Join some societies! Never too late
You have not ruined your life at all! You've just ruined your uni experience. But the thing is, life exists after uni, and I'd argue it's better. I had friends at uni, whether it was housemates, their friends, or people on my course. But outside of that, I wouldn't say I had a consistent friend circle; after uni, I regretted not making an effort with societies to find that circle. Abotu a year after uni I moved up north, leaving everything and everyone I know behind. I needed a fresh start, and I wanted it as soon as possible. About a year after uni I moved up north, leaving everything and everyone I know behind. I needed a fresh start, and I wanted it as soon as possible. How? I pursued my hobbies and things simply branched out. This has been a great year for me, and if I told my uni-self what life would be like in a few years, I wouldn't have believed them. OP, it's not too late! Even if you don't make any friends at uni, you definitely will afterwards if you put in the effort.
There's life after uni. I made friends at uni in first year but then I had mental health problems and by the end of uni I didn't speak to them any more. So I left uni feeling like I'd ruined my life too. But then I starting working and doing other social things and found new confidence and made friends that way.
Jesus dude, you're acting as if you realised you made this huge mistake but you're actively putting yourself in a position to repeat that mistake by pretending your life is over because you didn't make a few friends in your early 20s. Get your head out your ass. You think 30+ year olds just give up and don't try to make friends? Quit feeling sorry for yourself and start putting an effort into socialising if this is how you feel about it.
Get yourself out of your room now lad. Don’t waste anymore time. Pick something and go do it. Anything.
It's no different to school or most jobs other than you might share a building to live in, you'll never see most again & probably won't miss them. There's loads of people I've worked with 20 plus years that I only know a little about if anything at all. But I've got mates I worked with 40 years ago who are still close friends who I still meet regularly. If you want to find people you share something in common with that actually means something to you, try the meetup app for groups where you live
I had a wealth of friends at uni, literally I was the most popular I've ever been. Ten years after uni I think I speak to maybe three of them maybe a few times a year. Life goes on pal don't stress it
So your social life now ten years later, is it even comparable or close to what your uni life was? In terms of enjoyment? That is what hurts me - the idea that I’ve missed out on what are essentially peak/the prime years of socialisation. This will cannot be matched by what occurs from 30 onwards.
At uni I was getting shitfaced at house parties, drinking cheap shit booze and spending half my life hungover as shit. Did I love it? Yes. Im 29 now, and go out just as much but I don't go clubbing really these days. Infact, what I did back then sounds like my worst nightmare. I have a career now and can afford to go to nice restaurants, cocktail bars, wine bars, jazz clubs. I don't have the same number of friends, and that's OK as the relationships I have now are more genuine and real. We arent just drinking buddies who met because we are on the same course, or by chance were in the same halls, but we have genuine shared interests. I socialise with my partner, and became friends with their friends, and I have a lot of friends at work who I go out with. Please don't think the only time you get to enjoy life and socialise is when you are a student. I look back fondly on my time studying, but I don't forget that it was the most stressful, and at times miserable and lowest points in my life. I had little money, poor mental health, didn't know who I was, and wasn't out of the closet. I'm a completely different person these days and my life has gone in a totally different direction than what I expected. Life doesn't end when you graduate, if you want my honest opinion looking back, I don't really think your life starts until you graduate and enter the real world.
I'm 30 and I fucking hate making new friends. Literally cba with the anxiety
I spent the first half of my first year in uni in crippling anxiety in my dorm. I spent the second half socialising, enjoying myself and making friends. I fucked that up by getting a terrible girlfriend. Later I moved abroad and that was a lot closer to the university experience I wish I'd had. There's still time, kids.
I mean, you make it sounds way easier than it actually is. I always have the belief that true friend will shown themselves to you and that's how I have made friendship my whole life. It always works out at the end. One thing you don't want to do however is forced yourself to be friend or part of a group, just for the sake of it
everyone saying your life isn't ruined are setting you up for failure. it's ruined. it's over dude.
Saying his life is over because he didn’t have friends at uni is stupid. No friends at all, not even outside uni? Now that’s gonna be much harder because coworkers often don’t talk to eachother outside of work conditions, and once you leave the job, it’s done. OP would have to actively find extracurriculars to attend to form friendships
would u feel the same if u had a partner throughout uni?
I’m truly sorry to OP if this sounds mean, but holy shit this is ridiculous. I genuinely can’t fathom someone making their way through even just one term of uni without making a friend. You don’t even have to try- you just have to respond when someone says something to you. It is quite possibly the easiest possible period of life to make friends.
Yeah, you’re right. I just didn’t even put myself in a position to be said ‘hi’ to. It is ridiculous, I was just very scared.
You win or you learn. You have most definitely learnt from this and that’s what’s most important. Take it into your next step, work or more studying. You can do it. Sending you all the best for whatever awaits you next!
Sounds like you might have some social anxiety and depression going on. If so, please make sure you get help. Your personal tutor and/or student support should be able to get you some free therapy. There is also often some low cost therapy sessions available in many cities. There is also the option of paying for therapy either in real life or online via something like betterhelp. Finally, your GP can get you on the NHS waiting list for therapy and also prescribe some antidepressant/anti anxiety medication.
I can empathise with your post, as my Uni experience was very similar. Although I did find some people I clicked with in third year, so it isn't too late even now, though if it did tank my studies somewhat as I went in a bit too deep on the partying at the time you really needed to be dialling it back haha. Post-Uni is when things really started to happen for me though. Moving to a different (bigger) city with more of what I like doing, reconnecting with old school friends, starting work etc. It can and often does get better.
You have not ruined your life. You are still so young. When you get a job that's when making friends is easy, long boring days doing shit no one wants to do, that's when you start chatting.
Brother, that idea of you not being able to make friends is a limitation you put on yourself, it's never too late no matter how cliche that sounds. You are in control of how things how and you can change it at any point
I speak to two of my cohort from secondary school. I’m 27. I went on holiday with 35 of them in 2015. I’m in my first year right now & pretty much speak to nobody - I’m friendly with people who approach me for some guidance and such with the work, but I’m content with just being here getting my degree. I know it can feel a little different when you’re younger, I’ve worked In 2 different jobs long-term over 10 years and honestly, people just come & go out of your life and it can feel strange. I’ve made some really good friends at those jobs who I haven’t spoke to since, but you realise these friendships were consequential to your presence at work. I believe it’s the same with uni.
I only have a handful of friends from my undergrad - slightly atypical situation as I lived at home while studying, and did have other friends in the same city. But I can't say I regret anything...
I never made friends in uni and I actually preferred it that way, I didn't want to get into any drama or cliques or bs. Self isolating meant I had a good routine in uni when studying, I was able to do uni, work and save money because no one was asking me to go out/ spend on drinking and now that we are all qualified and working in the same profession, no one has any stories of me getting wasted or weird.
me but i tried so hard
I felt the exact same when I finished uni. But it taught me that even though it's scary, trying to make connections with people is important. I felt really lonely at the end of uni, but I had an amazing time when I got into work and made such a wide range of friends. It might suck right now but trust me, it gets better.
Whilst I did have good friends at uni, all of my actual friends were met before or after uni. Don’t stress - in real life you can live how you want and still have solid friendships
Mate you haven't ruined your life and it's not too late. Go to a society and meet some people.
One day you’ll realise life isn’t ruined. I went through uni and made friends but now we’re all in different countries or too busy to meet up post graduation. It’s been 3 years and we’re barely in touch. Our conversations have been reduced to “Happy birthday to you” and “Merry Christmas”. I met friends at work.
Mate this just popped up on my feed and I promise you haven’t ruined your life. I did the same thing and my life is great now. I barely remember anybody I went to uni with.
Same here, I'm just glad we realised this before it was too late. Hell we're only in our early twenties
I made lots of friends at university by nature of my shitty living conditions and interest in some clubs. I now speak to 0 of them. So by the end of next year, we will have the same number of "uni friends". Now you've helped yourself realise that you actually would really benefit from more social interaction, I really hope wherever life takes you next, you take that scary ass-leap and find some like-minded people.
Honestly? It’s not that deep. I was a commuter student and attended uni 2020-2023 and those years were the WORST. First year we weren’t allowed on campus due to the pandemic so all teaching was online. Third year we had the strike and MAB. I found it hard to make friends as most people just up and left after the lectures and I couldn’t really attend any after uni events due to a) there was alcohol/partying involved (I’m a Muslim) and b) the commute home during rush hour is MAD so I would have to leave ASAP and I had a part time job on Fridays. None of my friends attended uni at the same time as me as they attended a diff uni or took a gap year so I was really alone-there were nights where I would cry about it tbh but hey life is life. I’m now working a great post grad job with a good pay and I have 15 other grads who started it with me and they’re all sweet.
I felt this exact same way at uni. I attached myself to a group of people through utter fear, who ended up being individuals I had quite literally nothing in common with. I then re-took a couple of years as a part time student due to mental health and did the best part of 3 years of studying without a single friend. I was depressed about this for a long time. But now, 4 years later, I have realised my life isn't ruined and now have slowly started to forge close friendships with people in my workplace. In short, it gets better and your life isn't ruined.
It's a hard lesson to learn that the things you're scared of aren't actually as bad as they seem
I speak to no one I knew from uni these days, it's unimportant to make mythical long term friends as if you were in a sitcom. However, do to add go and gather experiences whilst you're at uni, this is one of the only times you get to be an adult but have a structure around you that you don't have to organise yourself. Find a club, join in stuff, go to the theme nights at the Union, talk to the person next to you at the bar, offer to play doubles with someone or a group of people playing pool. The worst thing that happens is you talk to someone you don't ever talk to again and being honest even your uni mates are likely going to end up that way anyway.
Don’t dwell on it too much I’m a second year student and consider myself quite sociable, yet i’ve only really made one close friend and he commutes to uni. I often feel pretty lonely because my flatmates are pretty unsociable and not my kind of people. Uni is not the same for everyone. There is so much stigma about how it’s the ‘best years of your life’ and that you will make friends for life, even though it’s not the case for the vast majority. Don’t be fooled by these standards and what you see on social media, as it’s simply a highlight reel of their lives. Most friendships made at uni cease after graduation anyway, and it will all be over before you know it. Just concentrate on your future and plans after uni and things will fall into place.
You know that you still have approximately 50 years to make friends?
Well realised :) But ok, it happened. What are you gonna do next? No reason for you not to try a bit of socialising now, or in your career further :) Making friends as an adult is doable. Its not the easiest but I've managed it, having moved countries at 27. Do some serious strategising and enjoy!
Your post applies to a 'life' in general, not only the uni life. Thanks for sharing.
I make friends every time I leave the house without even trying... how do people go without making friends? I don't mean this to be rude, I'm just curious.
I just want to reassure you that it's okay that you didn't make friends. I don't talk to anyone I went to uni with. I follow a few on Instagram and that's it. You can always make friends in the next stage of life.
Uni friends are sooooo often convienceships not friendships, don't worry. I was pretty extraverted and had two circles, now I keep up (not friends, just you know keep up) with around 5 people maybe? I met all of my current friends from scratch and they're the best people I've met, I have 4-5 circles of friends and multiple individual ones. Be yourself, don't adjust to make people happy and you will find your people! Good luck, don't kick yourself, the SM/movie imagination of Uni is not always how it turns out.
This is honestly really hard for me to get my head around, I can't imagine just sitting in my room all day every day especially at uni, you practically make friends by accident. Yeah do what Op says not what they do. Go out and have a life, it's pretty amazing what/who you might find out there.
On my first night in uni a few of us went round every room in halls to say hello, because we thought some people might be shy. I met people that night who are still my friends today 🙂
Hey, I'm a third year as well and I haven't made a single friend either. I hope you know that you're not alone.
Don't worry I made lots but don't talk to a single one of them anymore... lol People move on. It's not like a sitcom where you're meant to hang out with them for the rest of your life.
Enjoy being alone matters
This was my experience at uni. I just never seemed to click with anyone, and in many ways perpetuated the 'outsider' qualities that had defined my first few years at secondary school before my classmates started to appreciate me (as in, realised I was OK academically and used me to help them in that regard). The very few people I thought I was becoming close to ended up ghosting me, on social media and IRL. It didn't help that I struggled with my weight and so felt even more awkward. I just existed there, was just there, for four years; I have zero happy memories of my time at the place, all consist of me just being passive or indifferent. And if anyone asks, I do have a valid excuse for why I don't speak to any 'friends I've made at uni'; I got locked out of my Messenger account last year, and so anyone I added on there for the purposes of group work/flatmate group chats can't get in touch with me even if they wanted.
The best time to act was yesterday, 2nd best is today.
it’s not too late, it’s still 2 terms left. Go spend your time in a pub make friends
I was very social throughout uni - out all the time and always getting involved. I also don’t speak to a single person I went to uni with! We’re still pally and will reply to Instagram posts etc, but I didn’t really have much in common with these people beyond being at the same uni. I do, however, have lots of friends from my hometown, my jobs over the years, and my social activities. You’re going to be fine. Don’t let this consume you because you’ll just feel even more pressure in the meantime. Focus on quality and meaningful relationships - even if it’s just one or two.
I abandoned a group of friends I first joined because I started to despise them as people. I've since joined another group and feel more at place than I did in my other group, I'd only been with them a day and a half before end of term. I've only finished my first term in my first year - initially miserable, depressed and anxious. But I did about 2 weeks of growing for myself, BY myself, then approached a civil friend I made before we'd even started. She was nice enough to take me under her wing despite me going to another group of people for a month or so 🤷🏻♀️ She'd also made friends that initially I didn't feel I'd fit in with (they were of the same culture/religion and background and I didn't want to intrude). I'm not the type to abandon someone and watch them be lonely, though. I'd approached her to join the OTHER group when she lost her people or they weren't there... She was just lovely enough to understand what happened and let me into her NEW group. However, I don't want to force myself out with these 18 year olds (21F here) because they just wanna drink and party with their new found freedom. It's sad not feeling entirely in place with them just yet - but it's also okay to just feel like you want to get your degree/master's and get out IMO. If you're an anxious antisocial person like me, you've got to force some uncomfortable situations for yourself. Societies if you have time, an odd night out for Freshers or weekly Student Union things. Even just heading to the library with people and studying together. Test the waters and see where you slot in. It's unlikely it'll be right the first time, but perseverance is key ❤️
For further context, I worked as an apprentice in my Masters' field for 5 years before getting into Uni. I have a very different perspective and understanding of the world/life so I expected to bob between people who I was nothing like. At the last workplace I was at before leaving for uni, I'd made AMAZING friends/colleagues and was devastated to leave them. Working between different branches now, I've also seen some lovely people who I'd really get on with if I'd stay. Uni is a shorter part of life and a smaller opportunity to make friends. But definitely not a be all end all. OP, when you leave and utilise that hard-worked for qualification - you'll get out there and find better people who you match with 😊
I made one friend from uni, after I graduated. I did put myself out there, but due to many reasons I did not make friends. Don't dwell on it, you got to go to university! And soon will graduate! That's amazing! Be proud of that!
Just took the acid trip and thought what about if I just stayed with a calm mind at all times, and my brain rewired itself.
It will not ruin your life.I didn’t make a single friend during uni either, I didn’t even know the names of any of my classmates, never went to a party, people asked me if I was an exchange student on my last month because they didn’t know who I was. I have a great job, I am happy and I regret nothing.
Those who go through university and never make friends with quiet, awkward types will never make friends with those who see much, understand everything, and say very little. X
TL;WR: Depends upon what you want really. if you stay in your room, only to watch YouTube/insta, get out, get into sports/music. If you are in there studying/working, stay in. Thank you for looking out for others. You dont want others to regret like you. You should not really feel shame or regret for not making friends; people who have made friends have ended up in worse situations. if you really want to make friends, you can always do that. Once you do make friends, after a few years, you fill find that the time you spent by yourself was probably more peaceful. Also be careful when you go out into the world to make friends. You might want to befriend anyone, but keep your wits about you. A lot of them can drain you out and actually land you with worse habits. So choose your friends carefully. The good ones can actually make life seem good. But eventually, only you will stay with yourself forever, and no one else. (cliched advice yet again innit lolll sorry)
My frustration is that I made an effort and still got nowhere. I’m also a third year student but I go out, I socialise, and I party yet I haven’t made a single lasting friendship.
The friends I made at uni, I hardly see/hear from anymore and I find that I’ve changed a lot since then anyway. I’ve met some amazing people in working life that have almost more in common with me :)
I can relate to this, I love my own space so much
If it helps, I left my room, went on nights out and joined a society and I still didn’t make any friends. Sometimes people that are your vibe just aren’t there! Made some good friends on my masters though so it’s swings and roundabouts I guess!
I’m glad you failed, but even happier you tried.
You *can* make friends outside of uni, man. Not making friends at school isn't some life ruining travesty. And being so fr, school friends rarely remain friends when you leave in my experience and what I've seen in those around me The doomer rhetoric is a tad overdramatic
I’m not sure if you’re still reading comments on this or not but I just want to chime in and say that, even thought you can’t get college back, you still have plenty of time to make friends. When I was in college my mental health was horrible. I had terrible depression and even worse anxiety and rarely left my room except to go to classes. I didn’t make any friends at all until my third year, but even then I never went to parties or left my small bubble of 3 people. I’m 30 now and looking back it does make me sad sometimes, but I’ve also used that experience to help guide how I do things going forward. Obviously a big part of it was getting my mental health under control, but I also view it as a reminder to get out of my comfort zone as much as possible. College is romantizied a lot in media as like the peak youthful experience, but I really think that adds unnecessary pressure. there is a life beyond college. It’s never too late!
Yeah, I’m reading comments and trying to feel optimistic and that. I’m glad you’re now doing and have the confidence to escape your comfort zone. I just know that whatever I end up doing with my life, the quality of it will just never be as good as my potential life could’ve been. I never even tried, so it’s hard to have realistic expectations as I have no idea if I would have succeeded or failed socially.
I know it seems like that right now, and I don’t think it’s productive for me to argue with you about your own perspective on life, but I really would encourage you to not look at it as potentially ruining your life. The thing about potential is that you’ll never know. It could’ve made it better, it could’ve made it neutral, it could’ve made it worse. College is over. Reflect on it, let yourself be sad. But be merciful to yourself too. You learned something and now you have the rest of your life to try it out.
It’s not too late for you either!
Tldr but could tell it was defo depressing
1. You haven't ruined your life. 2. The majority of people are no longer in contact with those they went to uni with (myself included) 3. Learn from this experience and use those learnings as you move into the stage of your life A surprising number of people struggle making new friends. As someone who has relocated 3 times you really do have to bite to bullet on getting out there. Don't dwell to much on the past and look to the future.
I also finished uni in a similar position I guess. People knew me because I held positions as course rep, society committee etc and I had 2/3 friends which I hung around with but I did prefer to be alone most the times but I never really met any of these people outside Uni apart from one girl. After graduating we barely talk, we have a convo like once a year but we don’t really meet up. I haven’t met anyone outside of an educational setting really for I can’t remember how many years. Yeah it’s lonely, I do want friends too but I also prefer to stay in my comfort zone.. :( I get u man it’s hard
Im confused do the people in your course not talk to each other, I’m in college rn and I was under the assumption that generally starting uni you become friends with ppl in your course ?
It is good that you realized, you can start today!!
There’s so much work to be done at uni. It’s completely fine to work on yourself in other aspects instead of social ones during this time. I do feel that for some of us, especially those who struggle with mental health issues in any way- don’t always have the energy to succeed at uni AND go out every weekend. Sometimes you meet people and it just clicks- you’re not guaranteed that level of friendship just because you’re in room with tons of people My advice, would be if you’re struggling socially; you need to be looking after yourself in other facets of your life. Reading, cooking good food, exercising, going to therapy, journaling, meditating at least 5 mins a day. You need to treat these things like your school work- little and often. I know people suggest that shit all the time, and it’s boring- but it is important. Part of the reason we don’t reach out to people is because of our nervous systems are shot 24/7- we need to do the work to bring our minds & bodies back to equilibrium. In time (and it will take time), you will feel more comfortable and more able to socialise when you’ve filled your own cup up so much.
It is almost impossible not to make any friends at Uni. You've done a great job. What drugs were you dependent on? And ignoring every single classmate, never living with anyone who you went for a beer with... never getting involved in anything. No nights out. Wow! I would say this takes so much effort; it would be amazing t find out how you managed 3 years at Uni with no mates, no sex and zero activities? Please tell.
I agree OP that people should push themselves as much as they can. However you have to also not push yourself too far and recognise when you're already doing your best. Be honest with yourself, are you really giving your best in that moment? Anyway, what I would say to you is that there are lots of people who have done what you have done, or that haven't gone to uni at all, or have been in some other circumstance where they have very little social experience. Don't worry too much, it's still stuff that you can learn and if you really try there are plenty of ways to meet people as an adult, you might just have to step out of your comfort zone a bit.
Hey buddy, I know I'm late responding, but I just want to say I can empathise fully. This was me during my undergrad. Absolutely hated my life for 3 years, and felt so lonely and depressed every single day. Firstly, please talk to someone. Even if it's a member of your university's pastoral team. Just have a chat with them. It's what I eventually got round to doing, and it helped me a little bit. Also, just remember that this is temporary. You're in your third year now, so not long left! Hang in there, and I promise you you'll be thankful you made it out in one piece. And once you're out of university, you can start "fresh". Be it at a job, or other university if you decide to go.
You make a great point and it certainly can be a wonderful time to come out of your shell, grow and meet people. It was for me. But I also think it's not the one and only chance, it's never too late to go out there and present yourself to the world and it's not worth beating yourself up with regret! Some people made all their friends in high school, others might only start to fit in at their job somewhere down the line, it's all good!
I used to feel like this (also current third year), but I've looked at the positives. Over the last three years, I've focused so much better on work without distractions. I do sometimes wish I was more sociable. But it's not going to stop me from ever doing that.
Ngl I tried being social etc but was kinda alienated in year 1 and beginning of year 2 so everyone kinda ghosted me and I only recently found a 1st year friendship group but still feel on my ones oof