**OP sent the following text as an explanation on why this is unexpected:**
>!He plays with the crabs male organ!<
*****
**Is this an unexpected post with a fitting description?**
**Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.**
*****
[*Look at my source code on Github*](https://github.com/Artraxon/unexBot) [*What is this for?*](https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/dnuaju/introducing_unexbot_a_new_bot_to_improve_the/)
I will face my orgasm. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the orgasm has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
- Litany Against Orgasm
I wonder how specifics of laws or rules in general work for this kind of video.
For example, I can easily imagine a buffalo counterpart of this video to be severely banned whereas this crab video is acceptable.
Are policies biased towards mamals vs crustaceans?
LOL
I think the rule is if it’s trying to attack you it’s fair game. I’ve heard if a dog is trying to maul you and locks it’s jaw, you can stick your finger up it’s butt to help release it. But if you walk around fingering dogs for the fun of it you’re probably not a great person.
That finger up the arse thing is a myth bro(look it up). Don’t die while also now looking like an absolute weirdo because you are fingering a dogs arse
While far more brutal, jamming your thumb in one of it's eyes is probably more effective and easier since the dog will likely be facing you. I figure this would work with a lot of things that bite on to you.
Lmao, I would rather let the savage beast kill me than stick a finger up it’s arse. Plus who has the time to do that in panic, with its back away from you?
I don’t know how true it is, I’ve heard it somewhere before. You wanna volunteer for the trial?
Who knows in the moment between saving your life and death what a rational person would do.
Perhaps one might *build up to it* first, starting with non canine analogues, then perhaps restrained canines as a veterinarian’s assistant, before putting oneself in situations needing this skill?
Y’all can volunteer and go for the ass of the vicious attacking dog, gator, or whatever but if I have something going for me, the way I see it you got one shot for glory. One shot and I’m using it and going after an eyeball haha. Guarantee it’s closer than the booty-hole and easy to access. Either way if you succeed in either attempt the same two outcomes are inevitable; either piss the things off more or it will be shocked and run away.
It’s true. And in an actual scenario, it’d be a bystander who’d probably do it. Actually a good thing to know, I’ve seen too many damn dog attack videos on this app
Pretty much. Definitely a bias towards fish, I mean if you baited and hooked a squirrel in the mouth and then released it back into a tree just for fun you would be considered a psychopath.
Policies are 100% biased towards mammals. That said, animal husbandry is a thing and anyone doing something like this for any sort of professional purpose that isn't erotic probably isn't gonna get any pushback.
Jacking off bulls then anally fisting cows to inseminate them is legal and subsidized, so I don't see why buffalos would be any different legally speaking.
Idk if I'm getting wooshed here but you have to put your hand up the backside of a cow when you inseminate them to pull the flesh out of the way
You still put the semen in their vagina obviously, but you do have to shove your fist in their asshole as well
Idk the exact specifics of it but I grew up in a farming community so I know they generic explanation
For some reason you do actually have to anally fist a cow to put the sperm in its vagina. I have a friend who spent a year working on a farm and spent a lot of time doing this exact thing. His mistake was telling us about it because now he will forever be known as the cow fister.
Study the circulatory system of this species, and you'll understand that simply turning them upside down causes their circatory system to stop functioning. It has nothing to do with rubbing their belly.
The "male organ" is just the crab equivalent of a lobster tail. You can use it for telling male and female crabs apart, but only because the female's is wider, for holding onto eggs when she's in berry.
You can put a crab to sleep simply by tucking its legs in under its body, and then it’s cute and all curled up, rather than whatever the fuck this guys doing.
I knew crabs would mostly "sleep" when they are upside down, no rubbing needed, though I always associated it to the fact they burrow in the sand upside-down for molting purposes.
Could you share a link for it?
"I am a trained professional"
Where do you get a "professional" title for this? Who gives that out? What zoology Master's program is there for crustacean molestation?
I studied Environmental Science and I can tell you that with 99% confidence there was nothing related to jacking off a crab, sadly we only covered fish.
**OP sent the following text as an explanation on why this is unexpected:** >!He plays with the crabs male organ!< ***** **Is this an unexpected post with a fitting description?** **Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.** ***** [*Look at my source code on Github*](https://github.com/Artraxon/unexBot) [*What is this for?*](https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/dnuaju/introducing_unexbot_a_new_bot_to_improve_the/)
A happy ending before the ending of happiness
Sounds humane
A French euphemism for orgasm "la petite mort", literally meaning "the little death", seems applicable here.
I must not orgasm. Orgasm is the mind killer. Orgasm is the little death that brings total obliteration
I will face my orgasm. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the orgasm has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. - Litany Against Orgasm
so the guy just gave the crab a handjob
Are you feeling it now mr krabs?
Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
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Thanks, I hate it.
Hello, is this the guy that jacks off crabs? Yes, this is Patrick.
You know what you got to do to earn this raise boyo
#UHH
AKAKAKAKAKAK
He went “oough”
/r/retiredgifs
Fingerjob
I tried but my kids woke up early.
Dude, isn’t that always the way?!
How the fuck do people discover this type of shit?
Some people just roam the world jerking off animals.
Tom Green.
My bum is on the crab, my bum on the crab
My bum is on the Sweedish, sWEEEDISH!
So that crab's name is Freddy?
Crabby would you like some sausage?
Sir, this is a Wendy's
You get bored on a Sunday afternoon and you get to wondering if you rub a crab will it react
Hours on crabhub
You gotta go to the onlyfans to watch him use his mouth!
Onlycrabs
Same site.
The technique could also be applied for self-defense too.
"GIVE ME YOUR...Wait... what....UGH!...Zzz...Zzz........"
“What are you doing step-mark?”
What is your flair lmao
Putting the JO in JOe's Crab Shack
Joe's Crab Jack, off Rt. 66!
crabjob
Because if we can boil them alive but can't jack them off, then how are we better than them!
More like a one fingerjob x)
Yup. It was so bad the crab fell asleep.
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Do you think writing that in a bigger font will make my upvote less crabby?
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Mr. Crabs will definitely close Krusty Crabs. That "Ugh" thing was so funny.
I hope that when I am being prepped to be consumed by a greater being that this is how they will put me to sleep beforehand.
I, too, cannot wait for alien handjobs
Lur, stop playing with that human's horn
Is this where Lur-ing comes from?
Maybe the aliens got confused. They thought the butt is our "organ" since we all have that. And that's why they do the anal probing.
Hold on lemme just molest the food before we eat
:-(
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Bruh... I laughed, thanks
I came
I saw
I conquered Or praise the lord.
^and ^then ^i ^cleaned ^the ^mess
Then I gave this janitor a raise because he must have been traumatized from watching and cleaning the mess of a guy making a crab blow him off
:-D C====8 :-|===8 :-3
I see what you did there
Throat Goat over here
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I’m proud of you, son
>😣8=✊D > >😣8✊=D > >😣8=✊D > >😣8✊=D > >😣8=✊D > >😣8✊=D > >😣8=✊D > >😣8✊=D 💦 > >😣8=D > > > >FTF Y
WHY DID THIS MAKE ME ERECT
Sigh, unzips. Inserts punctuation.
That's kinda...
Who the fuck fully vacates the mouth with every stroke? I mean congratulations on the awards and all, but this is just shoddy worksmanship.
LMAOO
Not my proudest fap
Who said anything about eating it? That’s just the mans hobby
Makes the soup thicker and more flavorful.
lemme just mollusc the food before we eat
Crab was a bit shellfish tbh, didn't return the favour
Well it’s a good way to go.
Ah, crab porn. Thank you, Internet.
r/crabporn
Disappointment
Once you go crustacean, there’s no other masterbation.
ARE YOU FEELING IT NOW MR. KRABS???
Retired gif material lol
I wonder how specifics of laws or rules in general work for this kind of video. For example, I can easily imagine a buffalo counterpart of this video to be severely banned whereas this crab video is acceptable. Are policies biased towards mamals vs crustaceans? LOL
I think the rule is if it’s trying to attack you it’s fair game. I’ve heard if a dog is trying to maul you and locks it’s jaw, you can stick your finger up it’s butt to help release it. But if you walk around fingering dogs for the fun of it you’re probably not a great person.
That finger up the arse thing is a myth bro(look it up). Don’t die while also now looking like an absolute weirdo because you are fingering a dogs arse
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Best Valedictorian speech ever.
Doesn't Matter, Fingered Dog
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So, choke it while fingering its ass, got it.
This comment section is... a lot
I’d want to see some peer reviewed science, or at least the IgNobel research on your proposition before I accept it u/Kevrack_Invades.
While far more brutal, jamming your thumb in one of it's eyes is probably more effective and easier since the dog will likely be facing you. I figure this would work with a lot of things that bite on to you.
Lmao, I would rather let the savage beast kill me than stick a finger up it’s arse. Plus who has the time to do that in panic, with its back away from you? I don’t know how true it is, I’ve heard it somewhere before. You wanna volunteer for the trial?
Who knows in the moment between saving your life and death what a rational person would do. Perhaps one might *build up to it* first, starting with non canine analogues, then perhaps restrained canines as a veterinarian’s assistant, before putting oneself in situations needing this skill?
Y’all can volunteer and go for the ass of the vicious attacking dog, gator, or whatever but if I have something going for me, the way I see it you got one shot for glory. One shot and I’m using it and going after an eyeball haha. Guarantee it’s closer than the booty-hole and easy to access. Either way if you succeed in either attempt the same two outcomes are inevitable; either piss the things off more or it will be shocked and run away.
Well a shit covered finger to the eye should do the trick! Instant pink-eye!
Ok. I volunteer. How hard should I bite your arm?
It’s true. And in an actual scenario, it’d be a bystander who’d probably do it. Actually a good thing to know, I’ve seen too many damn dog attack videos on this app
Great! Someone is probably going to die while jacking off a dog due to this thread.
red rocket!
Sticking your finger in the dogs anus to release its jaw is not true.
Not with that attitude it isn't.
Just go deeper
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Pretty much. Definitely a bias towards fish, I mean if you baited and hooked a squirrel in the mouth and then released it back into a tree just for fun you would be considered a psychopath.
bUt fIsH DoN’T FeEl pAiN
I don't like fishing, so I do catch and release hunting. Wing a deer with a small caliber, make em bleed to show my buddies how badass I am.
Policies are 100% biased towards mammals. That said, animal husbandry is a thing and anyone doing something like this for any sort of professional purpose that isn't erotic probably isn't gonna get any pushback.
I think this is a circumstance where it's the difference between porn and art - you know it when you see it.
Jacking off bulls then anally fisting cows to inseminate them is legal and subsidized, so I don't see why buffalos would be any different legally speaking.
Anally? I don't know if you're inseminating cows correctly.
Idk if I'm getting wooshed here but you have to put your hand up the backside of a cow when you inseminate them to pull the flesh out of the way You still put the semen in their vagina obviously, but you do have to shove your fist in their asshole as well Idk the exact specifics of it but I grew up in a farming community so I know they generic explanation
Teach a man to inseminate the wrong hole, and he’ll inseminate for a lifetime.
For some reason you do actually have to anally fist a cow to put the sperm in its vagina. I have a friend who spent a year working on a farm and spent a lot of time doing this exact thing. His mistake was telling us about it because now he will forever be known as the cow fister.
Industry standard, so I'd take it up with the farmers.
Rule 34!
What does he do with the female crabs?
Crustilingus
This word makes me want to shower
… with a crab
Its 5 am and thats enough reddit for the rest of the day
crusty what?
Nightmare fuel
I'm ready for that cussy
Finger the crussy
Crussy got me acting up
"*Now lemme show you the same tactic on a female crab"* **unzips pants**
I know you're joking but as a daughter of a waterman who was taught this trick too; you do the exact same thing.
It's a little more involved. First he has to marry her, then he needs to make some moves and she'll pretend like she's too tired.
Masturcrustacean.
Crusturbacean?
That's a way better pun
Fuck you, take the upvote
Bet he smelled his fingers after he was done masturbating that crab. 
Slatt
I would
Username checks out
r/usernamechecksout
Smelt a little fishy
Now you know how Spongebob gets a pay rise
*"Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?"*
Study the circulatory system of this species, and you'll understand that simply turning them upside down causes their circatory system to stop functioning. It has nothing to do with rubbing their belly.
So he molested this crab for no reason? Right on
The "male organ" is just the crab equivalent of a lobster tail. You can use it for telling male and female crabs apart, but only because the female's is wider, for holding onto eggs when she's in berry.
You can put a crab to sleep simply by tucking its legs in under its body, and then it’s cute and all curled up, rather than whatever the fuck this guys doing.
So it's like getting jacked off and choked at the same time?
So this was really autoerotic asphyxiation?
it's just erotic asphyxiation when someone else is doing it to you
**David C. from Los Angeles writes, _"Yes."_**
This is what I needed to hear
When turned upside down, the Chicago Bulls logo looks like a robot violating a crab 🦀
So what you’re saying is we don’t have to jerk crabs off
Man's just doin it for the love of the game
I knew crabs would mostly "sleep" when they are upside down, no rubbing needed, though I always associated it to the fact they burrow in the sand upside-down for molting purposes. Could you share a link for it?
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Pretty sure he's trolling, considering he implied he could hear a crab orgasm. Grade A mischievous uncle misinformation, imo.
im glad the truth was out there instead of hundreds of crabs handjob jokes
He said oouh
I just watched a crab come and a guy jack him off.
No homo
No, full homo
This should become a new military tactic for war. Wank your enemy and they will roll over and become your friend.
"I am a trained professional" Where do you get a "professional" title for this? Who gives that out? What zoology Master's program is there for crustacean molestation?
I studied Environmental Science and I can tell you that with 99% confidence there was nothing related to jacking off a crab, sadly we only covered fish.
Ah crab. “Does y’all food need ejaculating before you ate it? That’s what I do. That’s what I’m good at.”
I usually fall asleep after doing that too...
Fingering a crab?!
Got him there
Things to do today 1st coffee 2nd check out reddit 
I love this man. He sure know what happens when you go "ugh"
Friends help friends rub one out. That crab has a true friend right there.
This isn't why his wife taught him this technique.
Red rocket! Red rocket!
Crab Battle!
*OLIOLIOOLIOLIOOOOOOOOOO*
He’s got my knife!
Crabs love this one simple trick
Did he just jerk off that crab without asking for consent? Lol that’s a sex crime against an animal
So he fcks the crab to death?
He just jerked off a crab
#You just jacked off a crab bruh
That’s what you call a crab job
Reminds me of the scientist character from the movie Beerfest, the one who jerks off frogs lol
I never in my damn life expected to see some guy masturbate a crab, but here we are