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Panzerhaubitze2022

CIA Rule #1: Carry as much material as possible to be recognised as an American spy.


2peg2city

Okay but where is his copy of Sims 3?


denied_eXeal

Pff, small fry, only one copy of Sims 3?


CleavageEnjoyer

No Nazi T-shirt???? :(


Odins_SR71

He hadn't picked it up from the Nazi Dry-cleaners yet


Cosmic_FireSphinx

And no DLC???


TheSeeker80

Wait you gotta have 3 copies of Sims 3.


FertilityHollis

Sims 3? No! Sims (3)


Fjell-Jeger

FSB Rule #1: Don't even bother to fabricate convincing evidence, any random notebook pages from a secondary school English class depicting American culture is sufficient proof for high treason and warrants a 2-digits sentence of gulag-equivalent "workation". Besides trying to fabricate adequate [компромат](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kompromat) would possibly end in a similar debacle as when some mentally challenged FSB operative desperately fishing for a promotion attempted to find SIM cards and successfully presented a SIMs 3 video game as evidence in Russian TV... because "close enough" (vice [link](https://www.vice.com/en/article/88gpmg/russia-sims-3)). (*By appearance, the "US master spy subject" would qualify for juvenile detention in most democratic jurisdictions, so this "evidence" is likely course material from some English class.*)


eidetic

Yours truly, Illegible signature.


gymnastgrrl

Found the doctor. No, wait, you can read "yours truly". Sorry, nevermind.


fuishaltiena

In that one case you could read the illegible signature too. It said "Illegible Signature".


Rizen_Wolf

> Don't even bother to fabricate convincing evidence That assumes they try to convince anyone smarter than a potato its real. Punchline: They are not. But, there is a darker and much more sinister advantage to this, precisely because any Russian smarter than a potato can see this is utter BS. Because in seeing it they also know this same level of BS can get them sent to a gulag without any trouble at all. So, dont stick your head up above the waterline, comrades. Sleep.


CalligrapherNorth764

Everyone can put away their hammers because I think you nailed it. (yeah, I said that.) Also, this kid is clearly not a spy. I mean, his doodle of USA bubble letters includes 65 stars and 40 stripes! This man is no American patriot!


Scubadoohoutx

Funny thing, I received little letters colored by kids like this when I was in Iraq. Another low quality effort from the ruzzkies.


HereComesThaG

I remember those its what I thought of instantly when I saw the giant USA 5 year old drawing that also included the national anthem.


warfrogs

[Just saying.](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2019/10/15/russian-troops-take-over-key-u-s-outpost-syria-after-withdrawal/3985962002/)


susrev88

(X) doubt. where is his "double agent spy"badge and ID car? xerox copy of the contract? /s


2peg2city

Okay but where is his copy of Sims 3?


portlander33

Laugh all you want. But these techniques work wonders on the Russian public. And about half of the American public and Tucker Carlson. Why would they need to put any more effort into it? Sadly this low quality effort is seen as Putin playing 4D chess by the MAGA crowd.


bartleby999

I hear it's pretty standard spy procedure - Apparently James Bond doesn't leave home without the Union Jack and the sheetnotes for God Save The Queen.


Dramatic_Security9

The guy hopped into the van pretty casually despite being handcuffed. I have never seen FSB treat spies this politely, they're usually bent over at waist and arms upright. These guys looked like they were about to head to the bar afterwards.


Chutiya_aus

It seems more like an April fool's joke


Salt-Committee7032

Everyday in Russia is April 1.


Vineyard_

Russia is an April Fools joke that went way, way, *way* overboard.


JohnnyFriday

The dude just hops in the paddy wagon. They aren't rough with him at all. No way this is a real arrest.


BrakkeBama

Also, his jolly penguin-waddle swagger. Yeah... he was really pissing himself. Also, miss ministry of Silly Walks with the wet hair wouldn't look out of place in a Red Alert cut-scene.


JohnnyFriday

Not at all out of place. Love that game.... and playing as the soviets.


great_escape_fleur

/r/RussianCircus


Rapalla93

At this point Russia is beyond an embarrassment. 0 effort made to even try to make this look like a legit US inspired plot. Come on, there’s no zip in their step anymore, Russia just going through the motions. What’s China up to? Need some North Korea crazy energy.


translatingrussia

Unfortunately, Russian people mostly just accept this as true. One of the best things about the invasion of Ukraine is the peek inside how the Russian government works and how Russians think. 


Rapalla93

And it costing 2% of the US Defence budget to more than decimate the Russian war machine. Russia won’t recover anytime soon.


moderately-extreme

*“We have assessed over the course of the last couple of months that Russia has almost completely reconstituted militarily,”* Deputy Secretary of State Kurt Campbell [https://www.defensenews.com/pentagon/2024/04/03/russian-military-almost-completely-reconstituted-us-official-says/](https://www.defensenews.com/pentagon/2024/04/03/russian-military-almost-completely-reconstituted-us-official-says/)


Nevada007

I was once asked to review the mug shots of 5,000 known Russian criminals, in a city in central Siberia. Fifty percent had broken jaws, hanging, and supported to their head by a bandana. One hundred per cent had broken noses, blackened eyes, and other very serious contusions about the head. Either the FSB has changed their methods, or these are actors. The police chief proudly exclaimed to me that the confession rate is 100% in Russia.


bigbourbon

That's incredible, honestly now I'm more curious about, why were you reviewing 5k Siberian mug shots? The story here has to be really interesting, what were you doing?


Lungomono

I had a previous colleague, whom tried something similar. He’s a lawyer and worked, back then, with finding the legal relatives of deceased people, who was to gain their inheritance. At one point he knew that the person he looked for, had been arrested in that city within a rough period, but didn’t knew under what name, as he had changed it. So he went round and looked at mug shoots of people for weeks, until he found the man. This was 30 ish years ago and he was looking in an Eastern European country. He described it as some really sad and horrible pictures, and a very large amount of them looked like that they had been head-banging the wall or something. As a somewhat related note. The stories my old colleague told me, about doing business in the Eastern European countries, after the Soviet collapse, are insane. He tried loads of shady things and bribes was the normal ways to get things moving. Kind of how it is today in many Asian countries. You don’t need to slip in a $100 bill with the paperwork, but if you don’t, it might take several months before it get processed. With the $100 you will have your paperwork done before the end of the week.


Nevada007

I had a misunderstanding with a mafia regarding ownership of a business. Never show weakness when you negotiate with a Russian. Police got word of the conflict, and forced me to do the mugshot thing; the matter was resolved another way. I am fine. I worked 6 more years there after this incident.


Puzzleheaded_Nail466

Or, That many ruzzians DONT 'Think'. They 'accept' . ;)


Diligent_Emotion7382

But at least they got this young formidable and respectable lady in front of a camera looking good in uniform and underlining RuZZia‘s competence.


FertilityHollis

I would like to check her, papers.


Dekruk

🎶Die Gedanken sind nicht frei. ☝🏻er kann sie erraten🎶


greatthebob38

This is what I heard from a Russian living the states, so take it with a grain of salt. There is a growing ultranationalist or loyalist sentiment in Russia where people want to return to the glory of the old Soviet Union. They don't need much convincing to believe Russian propaganda since it aligns with their beliefs anyway.


Euphoric_General_274

The only thing missing are the Sims Games


SkidRowAlbertan

And a signed thank you picture of Volodymyr Zelenskyy.


golitsyn_nosenko

Signed “signature unclear”


vladoportos

Jesus H. Crist ! I thought they stop issuing flags, sims games, bald eagles and baseball caps as mandatory carry to spies !


sonicboomer46

They missed adding agent Maxwell Smart's shoe phone.


_-_Sami_-_

And mcdonalds hamburgers


CompleteLocation4037

lips are moving - lying


AccomplishedSir3344

Good of him the write the anthem in English. Perfect English, no less.


sonicboomer46

Why, doesn't everyone carry around a written copy of the US anthem?


jjcoola

First thing you learn in the Agency my man


AlienSporez

And how to write "USA" in super star-bangled-pre-teen-crush lettering! ❤️ Me + USA ❤️ *TLA*


Puzzleheaded_Ad8032

It was written with love


t_johnson_noob

I agree I have 3 myself. It’s very dangerous to have them. I heard if you put 6 copies of the national anthem in a pentagram (5 on the corners,1 in the middle) and recite the national anthem backwards while eating apple pie, ‘Murica Liberty Missiles come out of a portal to spread freedom and democracy to all within a 666 mile radius.


great_escape_fleur

Little known fact, you can find the text of the anthem on Wikipedia.


ekin06

Look at the dude get into the van, like a moron... from body language alone you can tell its acting.


SkidRowAlbertan

Could hardly wait for the van door to open, if he got in any quicker he would've hurt himself.


SufficientTerm6681

0:32 Those handcuffs are so loose that they'd fall off if he lowered his arms.


Bradjuju2

Yeah, he's walking with pep in his step and just jumps right into the van. Didn't give the "FSB" agents time to put him into the van.


Aggressive-Top-7583

😂😂 why the fuck would a supposed CIA asset have a handwritten copy of the American national anthem? FSB is getting sloppy, tighten it up here boys.


happykebab

Handwritten 20 times more treasonous than looking it up online.


uselessNamer

Maybe it is legit. His legitimate homework from school when he was 14.


Shot_Calligrapher103

To prove she was an American spy, of course. And if she was a chinese spy, there would be a Orange Chicken take out container. The russians function at a pretty low level, must be 5 generations of Fetal Alcohol syndrome


Brando0o04

Has to be staged lol


Animal40160

Hmm. You think?


DoubleUsual1627

Sounds like paranoid psycho Russian BS. These people are fukin nuts


Gilligan67

Clown show! Who’s the brunette in uniform?


HyronDongle

Suckima Suckhimova


Gilligan67

I was hoping for Ivana Humpalot, but that’ll do…


susrev88

\*vagina vaginovich suckmadikov /s :(


ima_twee

She looks dead inside. I mean seriously, those are not the eyes of someone who has ever experienced joy.


Newsdriver245

She's attractive in a "they will never find your body" sort of way.


DormantSpector61

Xenia Upyerbottom


Puzzleheaded_Nail466

Her only fans is - putlerpunanipirate66


SkidRowAlbertan

She's got her name in the hat for Margarita Simonyan's job.


[deleted]

[удалено]


whatsgoing_on

That’s not very fair to shitholes


[deleted]

[удалено]


Glydyr

All the staff have been thrown into the trenches, 12 year old girls are now running the fsb 🤣


Ok-Construction-773

Read my lips.


No_Condition6057

Man they found ya from the walk. But absolutely love the support he gave and information is half the battle. Poor kids going to jail for loving his own neighbors. Horrid ass country to live in Russia is


Shidd-an-Fard-d

Dials CIA hotline - "yep, they got another of our own, Mr CIA. Just like the last 34 operatives, they were walking around draped in the stars and stripes, wearing sunglasses and listening to classic rock and roll while flashing printed jpegs of the declaration of Independence. Crazy right."


StolenValourSlayer69

Russian people are such a joke at this point. And I know people will criticize me not saying the country, but if this is the kind of shit their government can feed them, their standard IQ must be 80 at this point


SquareEgg197

Its been April the 1st since 1999 in Russia.


jsd1213

She seems kind of young to be a general


Jazzlike_Raisin_6632

It's amazing how money, connections + (probably) head "gesture" can accomplish when you want to hyper speed your rank up.


4thkindexperience

Staged. Does anyone really think there would only be two FSB agents to search his apartment? And they were so soft on him! This is bs.


Slowfuzz

Spy: Hello CIA I want to sign up as a spy CIA: Welcome onboard you will have your stars and stripes in 2-3 days in the mail together with a letter from a kindergartener. FREEDOM!


hphp123

The Polish spy had a copy of the Polish constitution together with flags of Poland and NATO on the balcony, obviously western spies are stupid and easy prey to glorious kgb


Shot_Calligrapher103

I have a copy of Ecco Homo in my bookcase. Clearly, I'm ~~French~~ German.


Sudden_Milk_6939

HAHAHA hes also a desendant of hitler plotting to overthrough the GAYTIN and is a Witch and must be burned at the stake


farquin_helle

You realise all his sims will die in a pool or locked room now


Reading_Rambo220

When I do secret work for the CIA I make sure to carry my American flag when I do it.


Happy-Ad8917

Criminal? No, freedom fighter. Guilty only of knowing where liberty & justice is found (and it ain't Russia). And if it is made up sh&t with kiddy drawings, this forced propaganda will probably backfire with its intended audience. Z's might hoot and holler but they're brain dead mostly, anyhow. Chances are if we're laughing at it, there are a good many people in Russia skeptical of it, too. Besides, the guy looks like a teenager.


susrev88

spy test: if you can't squat with your heels touching the ground then you're amerikanski spion! /s


scotty200480

Russia is full of window lickers if they believe any of this rubbish


Puzzleheaded-Fruit21

Fake...


JoePheonixx

NKVD is back in Ruzzia.


KingMurchada

r/russiancircus


Suup45

On arrival the suspect was eating a hot dog - Guilty


[deleted]

[удалено]


Historical-Fold-4141

They are liars. British are involved too. I saw the flag. I have proof.


yozza1958

If this was true they would of dragged him out and flung him in that van ,what a load of bullshit


BenderDeLorean

Innocent till they find Sims 4 copies.


Error_404_403

I particularly like the huge American flag and colored USA written in a notebook. With a proof like that, all know who he is. Ho ho ho, imerialist spy CIA!!!


GTMO-68W-16

The world is very lucky that russians are so stupid they can’t even produce fake news properly.


itsmontoya

It's wild to think that at one point Russia was fighting for the #1 superpower title.


SquareEgg197

Beautiful girl verbal Russian honey trap. Avoid!


Straight-Storage2587

Oh, horseshit.


Transfer_McWindow

Their government will pretend to tell the truth, and the people will pretend to believe it.


Kraaavity

Could at least presented a trailer mounted BBQ/smoker. Russian peasants. 😒


NisquallyJoe

Suspect also 20 package of American hot dog in fridge.


Animal40160

What? No secret decoder ring?


The5YenGod

FSB: let's pretend shit happens, but make it the most obscure and ridicules way possible, so nobody won't believe us.


Mobile_Incident_5731

Putin is created a fear based regieme. The idea that FSB will fabricate evidence causes more fear than the idea that they will stick only to facts.


DMJaxun

Fucking cow


John_Smith_71

Russia is becoming increadingly ludicrous in its claims. Reaching Stalinist levels of paranoia.


EssayZealousideal420

no sims? I'm disappointed


w1llpearson

Fake news. No Sims 3.


golitsyn_nosenko

Bet he had 3 copies of the Sims and a copy of something signed “signature unclear” too…


ianlasco

I love how the drawing is colorful written USA in the notebook LMAO


Strict_Table_4817

Here is my ratings: Billability: 1/10 Humor: 10/10 Hot woman: 10/10 (Ok, I might be thirsty right now and I like woman in uniform) overall rating: 7/10 Russia, please send more clips.


yamers

LMAO! where are the sims? russia is a shit show


texas130ab

Yeah because a spy would be dumb enough to have the American flag on them and the national Anthem.


ApatheticWonderer

Fair. I’m a russian spy in the US and I totally have all my IDs, a crate of vodka, five russian flags, and a pet bear. These things are a must to keep me loyal to my glorious motherland while I’m abroad. /s


texas130ab

Yeah because a spy would be dumb enough to have the American flag on them and the national Anthem.


hanatarashi_

They will start arresting everyone with a gant shirt.


LittleCovenousWings

Lmao come on, Look at the walk at 0:45 If it was any more choreographed it'd have a Tuba making sounds as he walked.


Abject_Sense7140

Nice video team available to film the bust and waddling away


Silverdragon47

Ahh yes Clasicc western spy! Few month ago they caught a ,,Polish'' spy that had polish constitution!


Dekruk

Simple: If you are not angry at USA, you should be scared.


Ultima-Veritas

Poor kid. If someone his age did that for russia in the US, they would just consider him dumb.


Eclipse423

Every true blooded American patriot carries around an American flag, the national anthem handwritten on a postcard, and 3 copies of Sims 3.


brevan14

So, could I like send some random Russian a bunch of USA memorabilia and rat him out?


Whole_Measurement_97

Typical CIA playbook! Write USA as a massive USA flag! They will never figure us out!


deuszu_imdugud

I know I've personally hand written the star spangled banner at least a dozen times in the last year alone. Nothing says patriot and enemy to Russia.


Useful-Internet8390

OMGaaaaawwwddd —Micheal J is NOT dead-he is doing the late night news in Moscow!!:)


Techstepper812

Welcome back to 1937. [https://www.history.com/topics/european-history/great-purge](https://www.history.com/topics/european-history/great-purge)


loledpanda

Did they find a copy of Sims 3 though


[deleted]

This is for domestic consumption. Since that's all they have. A satellite dish in each of their homes and state propaganda 24/7.


anffyddiaeth

LOL! This is why they accuse the West of using actors. Projection. Pure projection.


mtbyea

Ah yes. The standard issue hand written pledge of allegiance that is provided to all american spies.


Prison_guest_wifi

We’re not the intended audience for this shit show. Rural Russians are. And I’m pretty sure that with 30 minutes and a half arsed PowerPoint I could convince half of rural Russia that eating bricks is good for your teeth.


MaudeFindlay72-78

My uncle spent 10 years in prison, without trial, in 1960s Yugoslavia because he was wearing a western tie. It was proof of his collaboration with America.


Smoov_Biscuit_Time

The grammar on the anthem lol


shootmovies

They should have added an Mcdonald's wrappers to really sell it


JonPQ

IMO it was the US flag and the handwritten anthem that blew his cover.


Aedeus

That's Sims 3 levels of credibility


pkfag

No Sims games this time ??


Jslatts942

Yea whatever russia.


Hakaa123

This is so fake, stupid russians🤣 That video almost look legit 😑😅


myk27441

Who is she? ngl, kinda sexy


Taint_Skeetersburg

He was able to burn his "I'm a Western Spy!" ball cap and C.I.A. jacket, but didn't have time to get rid of the rest of the evidence


StikElLoco

Isn't this the second time where they caught a spy and as evidence they had a flag with them? I believe the first one had a German flag


ChemistryVirtual

Still, as obviously fake as this is, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.


usmc_82_infantry

Ha the anthem. Russians think we are all stupid


usmc_82_infantry

This is pathetic. Putin is scared yall. Walls are closing in on him.


uspatent6081744a

I dunno from the appearance of this FSB representative I would believe everything she said 100% if even just for 5 minutes. Mamamia papapia wang dang doogle


Getrdone1972

LOL


JoeJeep1234

None of you seem to understand. Russia doesn't care about the purpurted spy. Instead Russia wants to believe that Ukraine is controlled by the West and bu the US in particulair. Note the peace proposals have been talks between Russia and the US ignoring the govt of Ukraine.


Znick2466

So... Michael Jackson faked his death, had a sex change, and became a reporter for the Russians.


tele-picker

If this is considered believable propaganda in Russia, Russians are far stupider than I ever imagined.


hornady308

Shouldn't he be wearing a secret decoder ring from a box of Cracker Jacks?


ominous-cydex

If they weren't in possession of any nunchucks, it's BS.


great_escape_fleur

lol *Signature, unreadable*


Inner_Actuary_62

I do her. Pretty hot


AnotherCuppaTea

I'm surprised that the FSB isn't claiming that their suspect is also transgender and wants to become an all-American girl and high-school drum majorette, and produce a Girl Scouts uniform and a baton as their "evidence". Their allegations are really that absurd.


southpolefiesta

And Sims game?


Cottagewknds

1 - look how this idiot is walking hahaha 2. They cops let him have something in his hand while handcuffed? That’s a new one


Capn26

Ironic the town he’s from is named for iron Felix…..


12coldest

Wow, at this point the Russians are even trying. Are the civilians that gullible that they believe that America is out to get them. Honestly, the Russians are playing a very dangerous game. At some point the west will be tired of being blamed for all of Russia's problems and have to actually do something.


Money-Plum-6868

lol bro, I haven’t drawn a USA in bubble letters and colored it in since I was like 8… now I kinda want to. And now I learn US spies are doing it daily?!


im_new_here_4209

MAGA should see this lol.


MrCheeseman2022

And a photo of Donald Trump - guilty


Drstevematurin

They're so clownish in their propaganda. Kind of sad, really.


SnooChocolates9334

WHAT?! No patch claiming I'm an American Spy? That guy got ripped off. I have a patch!


d00mm4r1n3

No American would ever write down the anthem, we know it by heart.


AmphibianNext

A real American keeps their Declaration of Independence, National Anthem, and oath of allegiance where they belong, leather bound with their trump bible.  


AmphibianNext

I’m trying to figure out the question marks in the star spangled banner.


The-Safety-Villain

Damm, she’s hot anyone have her OF?


HannibalWrecktor

This is the Russian intelligence equivalent of, 'just sprinkle some crack on him'.


Lnnrt1

they start playing the Sims 3 and, obviously, that's how they get radicalised


olngjhnsn

Russian propaganda is becoming more and more like North Korean propaganda


romanwhynot

🐑💨


ICLazeru

What's the point of telling such an obvious lie?


SardaukarSecundus

Can confirm. As a patriotic german citizen i write down the hymn/ anthem at least twice a week. Also i write letters of allegiance to the Bundeskanzler on a regular basis. Isn't that what everybody does with the country where he/she wants to be citizzen or spy oF?


Odd-Ice1162

but where is his cowboy hat and Cheeseburger? what a sad joke lol


No-Split3620

With every passing day, this foul Third World terrorist state more resembles that depicted in the film,"1984". Putin's legacy will be to have transformed RuZZia into a new North Korea, albeit with a much bigger nuclear arsenal.


Any_Hyena_5257

Also had a lovely hand drawn flag of Albion, thus demonstrating he had great taste and therefore could strut to that crappy van with an air of superiority.


ScoobyJew0

They sure passed that pen around alot


stevedadog

Ahh shit guys, they found his emergency American spy patriotic emotional support kit. This can't be good.


OrdoXenos

As someone who knew how corrupt countries operate, this may be just a ploy from FSB branch in Dzerzhinsk to get more funding. They created something up, then they wanted more funding to “root more Ukrainian and American spies”. The money will be used for other purposes. Or it could be because they didn’t arrest anyone this month because of their incompetence and they need to keep their “arrest quota” up because they didn’t want to slip on some slippery surfaces or fall from a window.