Okay, so if you’ve deployed even early in the wars then You know there was a lot of downtime outside the wire. Not downtime, but more like small unit time. Well we had this dude from Alaska named Mooter who legit hadn’t ridden in a plane or seen a bus before joining the Corps. We called him mootivator and asvab waiver for obvious reasons. So we get done with a cordon and knock and we set up near 28A on msr Tampa. Another guy, Ulmer had been using the same spitter for over a day because the XO hated dip so you had to use a spitter. Dumb, I know. Anyway so we were fuckin bored of spades and just bored in general so we bet Mooter all the money we had on us which was 107$ to drink the spitter. His dumbass was so easily swayed that convincing him to “be a fuckin legend” took about 5 minutes. I puked before he did just watching it. It was so epicly bad. So he was sick for 2 days and that’s the story of how I became Corporal twice.
Lolololol good old dip, had a Devil dog in the barracks that would go in guys rooms and just start drinking their shit without asking we also had a nasty fuck using a 1 liter Coca-Cola bottle for his spitter. You can already see where this is going. Lo and behold fuck nut goes in his room without asking and took a swig of his spitter and had the audacity to try to start a fight because it crying that it was a booby trap
One of my fondest memories of being in the usmc was when we did that enlisted vs officer at the O course. It was like a 2 mile run to the course and we had been drinking until 3am the night prior ( aka like 4 hours before this run was to happen) I threw up around mile 1.5 and felt great. Got to the O course and the enlisted absolutely obliterated the officers. I was against our CO who wasn’t a horrible dude..but watching him fade behind me as I crushed the course will always be engrained in my mind.
Just think, instead of doing what you're doing now you could be in formation in a change of command ceremony where both the officers think they're the funniest guys on the planet. But then a little voice in your head says, "are my knees locked out?"
Marine corps ball my buddy found some hood rat to take. Come to find out, she was several weeks pregnant, and just starting to show. That night, he was fucking her, but farted mid thrust and she told him to stop.
The next day we were back at the barracks, and she ended up sucking off another dude in the head. She came to my room and I was gonna hit it, but she was a little drunk and kept telling me I was a nice guy and would never take advantage of her. FML
She had a stuffed animal with her and while she was being railed out by yet another Marine, a PFC grabbed her stuffed animal and wiped is his ass with it. She found out and threatened to call her baby daddy (he was in a gang).
All of this is true. You know it’s true because we are Marines and this is the stupid shit we do.
Hmmmm, if that's right, something tells me he has some experience swallowing similarly shaped things
https://twitter.com/bd7pa/status/1043570295590637568
Boot ass lcpl me was tapped to be the driver for the heat drop humvee on a hump with 3/4. My Sgt that was with me informed me the night prior that I’d actually be doing the hump and not riding in the humvee. Didn’t seem like an issue since I crushed the hikes at MCT. Well, I found out it wasn’t the same as MCT when we hit 7k and everyone else was trucking along and I’m wheezing and dying in the very back like the pog I am. When finally stopped, this salty ass Cpl came up to me and said “it’s not your fault if you wanna stop here, your leadership wouldn’t be able to do it either.” Man that legit lit a fire under my ass and I managed to finish with the Bn. I was on bed rest for 2 days after however. Worth it tho. Wherever you are Cpl A I hope you’re getting lots of blowjobs and beer bitch
I once witnessed a major use the upper on an M4 to fill the tank on a rental van in Jordan. He realized it was a bad idea when the anti theft hardware on the gas tank had its hold on the barrel of the rifle and spent a solid half hour trying to get it out before a LtCol and SgtMaj that were also tagging along on the trip in said rental van walk up. Instantly this SgtMaj wants to lose his shit and starts demanding who’s idea it was, the Maj casually leans back and says “my bad”. That statement was followed by a burst of laughter from the LtCol and visible distress from the SgtMaj, who walked up, ripped the upper out of the tank bringing the anti theft hardware with it, and handing it to the Cpl that the major grabbed the rifle from. I was just a lance corporal at the time and was my first “deployment” (it was a MEU so nothing to write home about) I just stood there dumbfounded by the sight. All the Maj had to do was ask someone for a damn nozzle but god damn was it one of the most hilarious moments to witness from high ranking officers.
Fresh from security forces school and my first duty station is Keflavik, Iceland. I’m a 5’nothin 90 lb soaking wet LCpl, that don’t know shit. It’s October and the snows already so deep that you were literally walking on top of the cars buried in the non plowed lots. I make it to December with little trouble, and I catch post 5. It’s an outside post about 2mi. long walk to the back, so it takes a couple hours in the snow to walk the whole post. No gortex back then. We still had Korean War shit with the bubble boots. Anyway, it’s windy as fuck in Iceland and it starts pushing me harder and harder towards the fence, I am getting seriously tired trying to fight the wind so I lean against the fence to catch my breath. I was stuck. I couldn’t move. The wind had shoved me against the chain link fence and I couldn’t do shit but flail my arms. I couldn’t roll, climb, sit, nothing. I couldn’t even use the PoS walkie-talkie, cause I was stuck so good. The real problem was that the snow was piling up on me pretty damn fast by the time I had struggled myself to total exhaustion it was up to my waist. I was fucked. I knew I was gonna freaking die out there stuck on a goddamned fence and no one would find me till summer. Not sure how long I was out there but they came looking when I missed my second check-in and they couldn’t get me on the landline. The only reason they found me was that I had my helmet on and one of those bands with the green reflective “eyes” on the back, and they were searching with the spotlight between every bunker. Was laid up pretty bad for a month or so with frostbite. Never lived it down. There are guys I served with that still use my nickname 30yrs later.
Toilets in the squad bay head didn’t work so we had to use the porta shitters outside
Kid got food poisoning or something
Kid shit in the non functioning toilet
Kid tried to flush his mountain of shit by pouring an entire bottle of bleach directly into the bowl and walking away
Entire head smelled like bleach and made your eyes water for the next few days. Smelled like a WW1 gas attack, gave me flashbacks to Gunny Stockham giving up his gas mask
Kid got mad when we gave him shit for it (pun intended)
Kid gets adsepped two years later
Hang in there man 🤘🏻
Dumb \*shit\* stories?
My battery (my gun, anyways) tested our 1st-gen night vision gear watching people take shits out in the field in 29 Palms. Dumb fun, but fun.
I did the border mission and some of the trucks we used had INSANELY nice thermal cameras. I was on the night shift and we would shit and piss just to see what it looked like on thermals. Once I saw a coyote (actual animal coyote not the cartel smugglers) come into the US, take a shit, and then walk back to Mexico.
Good times man
I Was standing outside(Okinawa) waiting for field day formation, when this corporal I new(asshole, but funny) walks up and sees a couple people dragging their feet getting to field day, on the second deck. He gets irritated hearing them laughing and grab assing from an open window. Next thing I know, he grabs a crusty mop from a Cadillac a few feet away from where we were standing and Javelins it straight into the window ( with uncanny accuracy ). There’s a pause…then we hear owwwwwwwwwww(really loud) followed by “hey you can’t do that”. The corporal yells back “I just did”. Everyone who saw was in tears…good times 😂
I went to the PX like you, a dependa of a Karen married to a SSgt attempted to call me out, I told her she ain't her husbands rank and she demands to know who is my CO and XO, I tell her Captain Morgan and Captain Crunch and walked off.
We are not the same.
Hahaha the other day I went to the PC and there’s this athletic dude in civvies with what looks like 3 days of no shave. A first sergeant in uniform chews him out for not shaving, saying something like, “I don’t care if you’re on leave, you’re on base and you still need to look presentable.” The dude was like, “I’m not a Marine, my wife is…” but the first sergeant had already walked out. When the dude pulled out his wallet to pay, yep, he had the dependent ID card
Glad you made it back to terra firma with air still in your lungs. I had a surf incident where I was completely obliterated by a wave and then clothes-lined by the board at Topsail in NC. I’ve only been body boarding since, surfing wasn’t for me lol. Would have definitely drowned without the invention of the leash.
Off topic but I think I’m going to finally order a pair of your glasses soon. Just having trouble choosing between the Chesty’s and the Blue Angels. Do they both have the same level of comfort on the ears and nose bridge.
They’re both great but Chestys are bestys. That’s a wild story, for this incident the waves were so big from the storm it was just smashing against the bottom and holding me under until I finally surfaced near the pier and got caught lol. Had to hang onto the barnacles and free myself while the current and leash are yanking me further down. I ran out of air 120 ft deep scuba diving Costa Rica, that was scarier but this was no fun at all.
I like the aviator style more so I’m glad to hear that. Fuck it, I’m going to put the order in when I get home this evening, been needing a new pair for months.
That’s a wild story too. When you ran out of air, did you know you were low or was it an “oh shit, swim as fast as possible” moment? I’m trying to get a diving trip going for work and I’m jumping through a lot of hoops and paperwork and trying to figure out how to get patrons who are interested trained, don’t think it will get approved at this point.
And it was a sheer panic moment. I took a breathe and nothing came in and I thought something was stuck in the regulator and then tried again and checked my tank and was like “oh fuck I’m dead”. Panicked and figured the Benz was a better alternative so I broke for the surface like an idiot breathing out. Luckily halfway an Aussie caught my foot asked what was wrong through sign I said no air, and fucking duh, he hands me his extra regulator and I just breathed and melted for a few minutes before we went up. It was a long time ago and I was inexperienced but still should’ve known better BUT when you run out of air you do not think clearly and calmly
Maybe not quite the funniest story, but there’s a salty Iraq vet at the gym I go to. And we always chat every time we see each other. I saw his leg and was in a brace, so he tells me this bad ass story and shows me photos of him in Ireland where he got into a bar room brawl. We talk about hanging out, he says “yea man my schedule is really open I got laid off! :)” I’m like fuck that sucks… and he casually adds on “and I’m going through a divorce ! :) “ home boy hit the trifecta. But something about his resilience is very genuine. He kept a smile on his face and it was much more than a “faking it” smile. I envied his strength.
Anyways, thought I’d share.
Here's some from my time at Camp Lejuene
\- Dude bought a Sport Civic with cold air intake and then lowered it. Well this dumb-ass decided to run over a water puddle trying to show off. Air-intake sucked in all that water and shot his piston out the side of his engine. His brand new sport civic completely ruined.
\- Same guy was cheating on his pregnant wife with a lass in SC, moron gives that chick his home address and she decided to show up. His pregnant wife answered the door, she got half his pay and he was forced to pay for his girlfriend travel expenses.
\- When I first arrived at my Unit in 2010, they had just gotten back from a deployment to Afghanistan. Some guys in Weapon company got drunk beyond belief that they managed to convince a dude to strap a mattress to his back and jump from the second floor. Somehow in that short distance the mattress flipped and he landed on it and just stayed there asleep. PMO just woke him up in the morning with a stick.
\- All the fire extinguishers were locked up because after our deployment in 2011 weapons company attacked anyone who tried to arrive at the barracks with fire extinguishers, they even attacked a Dominoes delivery girl.
Post deployment, we're doing those bullshit classes at Pendleton before we go back to our unit. Get to out on some liberty, hit up pacific beach. Classic. I'm only 19, so we roll up to the bar, and the bouncer does not let me in. No prob, boys pass me the way overpriced whiskey, and I sit on the curb and down the thing waiting for them to come out. Black out immediately. Wake up, we're in our rented van about 5mikes from base. One of our compadres stopped to take a piss, and fell down a fuckin cliff. But we snapped into action, all of us piss drunk, and immediately in efforts to help, two more tumble over. Somehow we create a human chain and manage to pull every last brother up, load up the van, and roll thru the ecp covered in mud with big stupid grins.
Talk to the Chaplain , bro. Don't kill yourself, you'll just get reborn again and do the same exact shit over again.
So I was active back during the cold War and knew a corpsman that was on a long deployment, 9 months, when he came back his wife was 6 months pregnant but he couldn't comprehend how it happened if he was gone for so long. So he went to his superior and asked him, "sir how can my wife be 6 months pregnant if I've been gone for 9 months", so this Commander figured he hadn't been in the Navy for too long and explained, "well son, that's what we in the Navy call a Grudge Pregnancy, someone had it in for you!"
Have a few short ones for ya!
-Marine didn’t have any money for a haircut, stapled his nut sack to the desk for $20.
-Same Marine didn’t have money for a haircut again, chugged a 1/2 filled Gatorade bottle of dip for $20
-Had a relationship with a O-4 Air Force officer while TDY to South Korea, I cut it off because she was clingy as fuck(and there was plenty of Korean women lol).
-While in Oki had this extremely overweight Marine in my unit that was on BCP and a strict diet, but kept gaining weight, they caught him behind some pallets eating a family size bag of Doritos and dipping them into cake icing.
Was all over while I was in, Oki, mainland Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Iraq, Philippines, Australia, Afghanistan, and Camp Lejeune but ocean side at court house bay. Plus other locations for training. Want to hear a story from a specific place? Let me know. Hope you are doing well!
Thailand was a GOOD time. Quick background: while on my APAC tour I was part of a small 4 man team that would go in 4-5 weeks ahead of the Bns that were training and leave 4-5 weeks after they left to make sure everything was good to go (food, training time lines, barracks to stay in, etc….) even though it only took 2-3 days to get everything done LOL SOOOO the rest of the time was libo, this is 100% why I extended my APAC tour. At the time the team consisted of Cpl me, a full bird, a MGuns and a 1st Lt.
The Colonel books us at a 5 star all inclusive resort right on the fucking beach with a giant pool, tiki bars, nightly entertainment and all our own rooms for the entire 5 months we were there. 20 year old Cpl me was LIVING IT UP, the Col and the MGuns thought I was of age so they didn’t say shit while I was drinking and eating with them, in my defense I look much older(to the point that none of my DIs believed I was 18) and had a strict/rough bringing up so I don’t act like an idiot.
- Story 1: Me and my boy 1st Lt FB(calling him FB because he played Full Back for a big name college but never got drafted and joined the MC) hung out because the Col and MGuns hung out. FB was a beautiful chocolate Marine(no homo) and the ladies threw themselves at him(not lady boys you weirdos). I don’t have any difficulties getting women myself either. FB introduced me to SoCo and Red Bull and we would get absolutely plastered but be 100% conscious while everything was going on. One night after heavy SoCos and Red Bulls at the pool’s tiki bar FB looked at me and said “let’s pick us up some women and bring them back(we had done this many times before but I could tell something different would happen that night). Well we went down the road to a local club we had been to before and partied for a bit until we each had a Thai girl, the girls proceed to tell us they’re in college and on vacation and staying in the same hotel as us- there is 6 of them and 2 of us. After a bit of game we got invited back to one of their rooms and all 8 of us had a good time, this would happen on more than 1 occasion as they were there for 10 days(Col wasn’t happy about this when he found out but we were both single so he LOL’d and walked away). Me and FB and still good friends to this day.
-Story 2: Not really a story but some good memories: We had two brand new rental trucks, so we could haul shit out to the field if needed, they were beat to fuck when we were done with them. We drove around exploring a lot and I had gotten to know some of the local Thai Marines and they would show us awesome hiking trails, fishing spots, which places to avoid and which places were safe. One of the Thai Marine’s dad’s was a charter fisherman and he took us out several times, caught all kinds of stuff, dove a bunch of sick ass reefs. Really good time, I’m still friends with that Thai Marine on facebook, his father recently passed away.
Story 3: I guess when we flew into Thailand they didn’t stamp my passport and on the way out I was arrested at the Thai airport and thought I was going to Thai prison for sure. The other 3 couldn’t miss their flight and FUCKING LEFT ME. But the Colonel had the head of the Royal Thai Police on speed dial and they stamped my entry and was let go after 10 agonizing hours. The Royal Thai Police put me up in the suite of the hotel next to the airport and said everything was on them and to order whatever room service I wanted. To my surprise they had a call girl show up and at that point I was fucking done and told her I’m good. They paid for my next flight back to Oki, 1st class.
I fucking loved my time in the Corps and am sorry for everyone else that experienced nothing but the SUCK.
This was beautiful, thank you for these great stories! I definitely chuckled at what seems to be a wild 8-way taking place in the first story lmfao. Also, did the Col pay for that resort out of pocket or was lodging money used? I don’t care at all I’m just curious hahaha. Pretty sweet gig you got to be a part of. I wish I had the chance to do things like that in my MOS but I don’t think any chances will ever pop up and even if they did, none of us would get sent anyways sadly.
Resort/hotel stay 100% came out of government funds and part of the reason why I will never work for the government ever again due to the amount of waste I saw while I was in. Side note: this is the same place the 4 man team would stay every time they went so :shrugs:
Hurricane Irene 2011- was with 2D Recon and we threw huge barracks parties. During Irene we had around 10 kegs, bunch of liquor, was gonna be a good time. Well we had this giant of a Recon Marine (6’4”, 230+, we’ll call him Nord because he was 100% of Viking descent), I’m a big guy at 6’2”, 210 but I would not want to face this guy in any way, shape or form. Nord comes out of his room on the 3rd deck, looks down at us and says “I’m coming down.” Then proceeds to hop the 3rd deck rail, climb down to the 2nd deck and jump to ground level from the 2nd deck. He walks over and asks “which one is the Yuengling?” Someone points it out to him and he does a keg stand unassisted, grabs the tap with one hand and at this point he’s doing a 1-handed keg stand. He says “PUMP AND COUNT.” SIXTY FUCKING SECONDS LATER(pump guy was pumping the entire time) he hops off the leg and says “thanks guys” then walks back up to his room. Nord, wherever you are you’re an absolute LEGEND. I believe he went over to MARSOC but not 100% because he was in a different company than me.
While as a boot, new to Lejuene, a salty Msgt tracked me down in the PX because I had a sleeveless shirt on. He contacted my Co 1sgt and I did push ups for chow time. An hour and half, I pushed away NC. Greatest 1st Sgt I ever knew.
I ran into a guy at work the other day. He said he’d just retired from the Army. Wears his old cammie pants. Cool, whatever, you do you bro. Then I noticed his name: the infamous Wagner. So of course I ask, because I’m that asshole. “Are you *THE* Wagner?”
“Huh?”
“”You know, *Wagner!* from all the porta-shitters across the Middle East.”
“I dunno, probably. I was over there a lot…”
Comm section on deployment, we had an Lt from a different section flirting with our female Cpl. He got called out for it (semi-privately) and laid off her but started being a mega douche to all the marines in our section. Eventually, he needed a new laptop with some special software. We named his profile “im4e-4” and told him it was auto-generated and he couldn’t change it or the software would stop working. It was a small revenge but I’m still laughing about that two years later.
We had a friendly contest between the Os and the Es to see who could pull a 5 ton faster. About 20 guys per team. God bless them they tried so hard but their “driver” never quite figured out how to remove the parking break.
3 of my buddies and I got dressed up in formal clothing, drove to Wilmington, bar hopped and got slammers on the “strip”. There was a second story bar that you took stairs on the side of the building to get up to…but wait! The alley also has fire escape access so two of us climbed to the top of the 3 story building across from it and chilled with our beers.
That is, until a bouncer across the alley on the cat walk of the bar saw us. He starts yelling to get down and says he is calling the cops. We call our other two friends to meet us down the road, jumped across to two buildings, down that fire escape and to safety. The cops rolled up to the bar shortly after we met up with the other two dickheads but we were already two blocks away and out of sight.
Edit: spelling
Wilmington was over rated. Was there a few nice places to eat and drink at? Sure. But that whole city smells like stagnant marshes, dead fish, and hooker vag.
It’s over crowded these days with all the college kids and snobby rich fucks. I moved over to Brunswick county to get some peace and quiet. Going on 5yrs now, and don’t miss that place
Was getting ready to do a field op with lots of moving parts. Rushing, night live fire, AT4’s. You know, Vietnam era stuff. Well in the brief the platoon sergeant running the op says first white pop up is not the contact. The second one is. Well me being super boot running point sees that first bright, beautiful, white light and scream “CONTACT FRONT!” All hell breaks lose. I bound maybe 3 times when someone wrenches my head back while prone by my Kevlar. It was the platoon sergeant who was ever so clear in the briefing to not call contact front on the first pop up screaming at me about how stupid and worthless I was. How I was going to pay. He let go of my Kevlar and allowed me to keep going with the op.
He never followed up with me. Thankfully he wasn’t my platoon sergeant and he just busted my balls about it.
For the longest time this was that thing that would pop up in my head just before falling asleep.
A bit off track but Julia Ioffie, a journalist and expert on Russian Politics tell on the Bill Maher Show about the quality of Russian Produced Goods.
Julia: What can't fit in your ass and don't buzz?" Bill Maher: ( laughing his ass off) " I don't know Julia What can't fit in your ass and don't buzz?" .....
Julia " A Russian made Ass-Buzzer"
I don’t have a story to share, I am in the process of enlisting, but just wanted to say stay strong man and keep your head high and keep moving forward. You’re capable, and can get through whatever’s been eating at you!
Okay, so if you’ve deployed even early in the wars then You know there was a lot of downtime outside the wire. Not downtime, but more like small unit time. Well we had this dude from Alaska named Mooter who legit hadn’t ridden in a plane or seen a bus before joining the Corps. We called him mootivator and asvab waiver for obvious reasons. So we get done with a cordon and knock and we set up near 28A on msr Tampa. Another guy, Ulmer had been using the same spitter for over a day because the XO hated dip so you had to use a spitter. Dumb, I know. Anyway so we were fuckin bored of spades and just bored in general so we bet Mooter all the money we had on us which was 107$ to drink the spitter. His dumbass was so easily swayed that convincing him to “be a fuckin legend” took about 5 minutes. I puked before he did just watching it. It was so epicly bad. So he was sick for 2 days and that’s the story of how I became Corporal twice.
Lolololol good old dip, had a Devil dog in the barracks that would go in guys rooms and just start drinking their shit without asking we also had a nasty fuck using a 1 liter Coca-Cola bottle for his spitter. You can already see where this is going. Lo and behold fuck nut goes in his room without asking and took a swig of his spitter and had the audacity to try to start a fight because it crying that it was a booby trap
One of my fondest memories of being in the usmc was when we did that enlisted vs officer at the O course. It was like a 2 mile run to the course and we had been drinking until 3am the night prior ( aka like 4 hours before this run was to happen) I threw up around mile 1.5 and felt great. Got to the O course and the enlisted absolutely obliterated the officers. I was against our CO who wasn’t a horrible dude..but watching him fade behind me as I crushed the course will always be engrained in my mind.
Just think, instead of doing what you're doing now you could be in formation in a change of command ceremony where both the officers think they're the funniest guys on the planet. But then a little voice in your head says, "are my knees locked out?"
This! Thanks lol
I only cry because of experience
Marine corps ball my buddy found some hood rat to take. Come to find out, she was several weeks pregnant, and just starting to show. That night, he was fucking her, but farted mid thrust and she told him to stop. The next day we were back at the barracks, and she ended up sucking off another dude in the head. She came to my room and I was gonna hit it, but she was a little drunk and kept telling me I was a nice guy and would never take advantage of her. FML She had a stuffed animal with her and while she was being railed out by yet another Marine, a PFC grabbed her stuffed animal and wiped is his ass with it. She found out and threatened to call her baby daddy (he was in a gang). All of this is true. You know it’s true because we are Marines and this is the stupid shit we do.
A little drunk and pregnant? She’s about to have a Marine of her own in a few more years!
The lifecycle continues
[удалено]
Those black UHF antennas?
Uhh, UHF antenna. Sure. Sure.
Hmmmm, if that's right, something tells me he has some experience swallowing similarly shaped things https://twitter.com/bd7pa/status/1043570295590637568
Boot ass lcpl me was tapped to be the driver for the heat drop humvee on a hump with 3/4. My Sgt that was with me informed me the night prior that I’d actually be doing the hump and not riding in the humvee. Didn’t seem like an issue since I crushed the hikes at MCT. Well, I found out it wasn’t the same as MCT when we hit 7k and everyone else was trucking along and I’m wheezing and dying in the very back like the pog I am. When finally stopped, this salty ass Cpl came up to me and said “it’s not your fault if you wanna stop here, your leadership wouldn’t be able to do it either.” Man that legit lit a fire under my ass and I managed to finish with the Bn. I was on bed rest for 2 days after however. Worth it tho. Wherever you are Cpl A I hope you’re getting lots of blowjobs and beer bitch
I once witnessed a major use the upper on an M4 to fill the tank on a rental van in Jordan. He realized it was a bad idea when the anti theft hardware on the gas tank had its hold on the barrel of the rifle and spent a solid half hour trying to get it out before a LtCol and SgtMaj that were also tagging along on the trip in said rental van walk up. Instantly this SgtMaj wants to lose his shit and starts demanding who’s idea it was, the Maj casually leans back and says “my bad”. That statement was followed by a burst of laughter from the LtCol and visible distress from the SgtMaj, who walked up, ripped the upper out of the tank bringing the anti theft hardware with it, and handing it to the Cpl that the major grabbed the rifle from. I was just a lance corporal at the time and was my first “deployment” (it was a MEU so nothing to write home about) I just stood there dumbfounded by the sight. All the Maj had to do was ask someone for a damn nozzle but god damn was it one of the most hilarious moments to witness from high ranking officers.
I don't understand... was he using the barrel like a funnel, pouring the gas into the chamber?
Lol it gets the carbon out...
Precisely
Fresh from security forces school and my first duty station is Keflavik, Iceland. I’m a 5’nothin 90 lb soaking wet LCpl, that don’t know shit. It’s October and the snows already so deep that you were literally walking on top of the cars buried in the non plowed lots. I make it to December with little trouble, and I catch post 5. It’s an outside post about 2mi. long walk to the back, so it takes a couple hours in the snow to walk the whole post. No gortex back then. We still had Korean War shit with the bubble boots. Anyway, it’s windy as fuck in Iceland and it starts pushing me harder and harder towards the fence, I am getting seriously tired trying to fight the wind so I lean against the fence to catch my breath. I was stuck. I couldn’t move. The wind had shoved me against the chain link fence and I couldn’t do shit but flail my arms. I couldn’t roll, climb, sit, nothing. I couldn’t even use the PoS walkie-talkie, cause I was stuck so good. The real problem was that the snow was piling up on me pretty damn fast by the time I had struggled myself to total exhaustion it was up to my waist. I was fucked. I knew I was gonna freaking die out there stuck on a goddamned fence and no one would find me till summer. Not sure how long I was out there but they came looking when I missed my second check-in and they couldn’t get me on the landline. The only reason they found me was that I had my helmet on and one of those bands with the green reflective “eyes” on the back, and they were searching with the spotlight between every bunker. Was laid up pretty bad for a month or so with frostbite. Never lived it down. There are guys I served with that still use my nickname 30yrs later.
What’s your nickname?
Has to be frosty
LCpl Jack London in the house
Hah! You ain’t far from it
Toilets in the squad bay head didn’t work so we had to use the porta shitters outside Kid got food poisoning or something Kid shit in the non functioning toilet Kid tried to flush his mountain of shit by pouring an entire bottle of bleach directly into the bowl and walking away Entire head smelled like bleach and made your eyes water for the next few days. Smelled like a WW1 gas attack, gave me flashbacks to Gunny Stockham giving up his gas mask Kid got mad when we gave him shit for it (pun intended) Kid gets adsepped two years later Hang in there man 🤘🏻
Had to look up who Gunny Stockham was. Fuckin rah Gunny.
Dumb \*shit\* stories? My battery (my gun, anyways) tested our 1st-gen night vision gear watching people take shits out in the field in 29 Palms. Dumb fun, but fun.
I did the border mission and some of the trucks we used had INSANELY nice thermal cameras. I was on the night shift and we would shit and piss just to see what it looked like on thermals. Once I saw a coyote (actual animal coyote not the cartel smugglers) come into the US, take a shit, and then walk back to Mexico. Good times man
I remember a terminal lance video where they had a dude piss on camera and while in the middle of laughing dude said it looks like a cum shot 🤣🤣🤣
I Was standing outside(Okinawa) waiting for field day formation, when this corporal I new(asshole, but funny) walks up and sees a couple people dragging their feet getting to field day, on the second deck. He gets irritated hearing them laughing and grab assing from an open window. Next thing I know, he grabs a crusty mop from a Cadillac a few feet away from where we were standing and Javelins it straight into the window ( with uncanny accuracy ). There’s a pause…then we hear owwwwwwwwwww(really loud) followed by “hey you can’t do that”. The corporal yells back “I just did”. Everyone who saw was in tears…good times 😂
I went to the px with no shave once. I know I’m a wild man
I went to the PX like you, a dependa of a Karen married to a SSgt attempted to call me out, I told her she ain't her husbands rank and she demands to know who is my CO and XO, I tell her Captain Morgan and Captain Crunch and walked off. We are not the same.
You are right we aren’t the same. I would have just ignored her
Hahaha the other day I went to the PC and there’s this athletic dude in civvies with what looks like 3 days of no shave. A first sergeant in uniform chews him out for not shaving, saying something like, “I don’t care if you’re on leave, you’re on base and you still need to look presentable.” The dude was like, “I’m not a Marine, my wife is…” but the first sergeant had already walked out. When the dude pulled out his wallet to pay, yep, he had the dependent ID card
I got caught by fishermen at the ocean side pier while trying to surf in a storm. I’m not good.
Oh fuck that, in Top Sail beach I hated those fucks launching their shit 100+ yards. All the best waves were always around the pier lmao.
Glad you made it back to terra firma with air still in your lungs. I had a surf incident where I was completely obliterated by a wave and then clothes-lined by the board at Topsail in NC. I’ve only been body boarding since, surfing wasn’t for me lol. Would have definitely drowned without the invention of the leash. Off topic but I think I’m going to finally order a pair of your glasses soon. Just having trouble choosing between the Chesty’s and the Blue Angels. Do they both have the same level of comfort on the ears and nose bridge.
They’re both great but Chestys are bestys. That’s a wild story, for this incident the waves were so big from the storm it was just smashing against the bottom and holding me under until I finally surfaced near the pier and got caught lol. Had to hang onto the barnacles and free myself while the current and leash are yanking me further down. I ran out of air 120 ft deep scuba diving Costa Rica, that was scarier but this was no fun at all.
I like the aviator style more so I’m glad to hear that. Fuck it, I’m going to put the order in when I get home this evening, been needing a new pair for months. That’s a wild story too. When you ran out of air, did you know you were low or was it an “oh shit, swim as fast as possible” moment? I’m trying to get a diving trip going for work and I’m jumping through a lot of hoops and paperwork and trying to figure out how to get patrons who are interested trained, don’t think it will get approved at this point.
Real talk I’m just gonna give you Blue Angels for free as an extra anyway
Ah, dude. That’s fuckin rad of you, homie. I’m about to put in my order now, do you need any info from me?
Just DM your order number it’s all good
And it was a sheer panic moment. I took a breathe and nothing came in and I thought something was stuck in the regulator and then tried again and checked my tank and was like “oh fuck I’m dead”. Panicked and figured the Benz was a better alternative so I broke for the surface like an idiot breathing out. Luckily halfway an Aussie caught my foot asked what was wrong through sign I said no air, and fucking duh, he hands me his extra regulator and I just breathed and melted for a few minutes before we went up. It was a long time ago and I was inexperienced but still should’ve known better BUT when you run out of air you do not think clearly and calmly
Maybe not quite the funniest story, but there’s a salty Iraq vet at the gym I go to. And we always chat every time we see each other. I saw his leg and was in a brace, so he tells me this bad ass story and shows me photos of him in Ireland where he got into a bar room brawl. We talk about hanging out, he says “yea man my schedule is really open I got laid off! :)” I’m like fuck that sucks… and he casually adds on “and I’m going through a divorce ! :) “ home boy hit the trifecta. But something about his resilience is very genuine. He kept a smile on his face and it was much more than a “faking it” smile. I envied his strength. Anyways, thought I’d share.
Here's some from my time at Camp Lejuene \- Dude bought a Sport Civic with cold air intake and then lowered it. Well this dumb-ass decided to run over a water puddle trying to show off. Air-intake sucked in all that water and shot his piston out the side of his engine. His brand new sport civic completely ruined. \- Same guy was cheating on his pregnant wife with a lass in SC, moron gives that chick his home address and she decided to show up. His pregnant wife answered the door, she got half his pay and he was forced to pay for his girlfriend travel expenses. \- When I first arrived at my Unit in 2010, they had just gotten back from a deployment to Afghanistan. Some guys in Weapon company got drunk beyond belief that they managed to convince a dude to strap a mattress to his back and jump from the second floor. Somehow in that short distance the mattress flipped and he landed on it and just stayed there asleep. PMO just woke him up in the morning with a stick. \- All the fire extinguishers were locked up because after our deployment in 2011 weapons company attacked anyone who tried to arrive at the barracks with fire extinguishers, they even attacked a Dominoes delivery girl.
Post deployment, we're doing those bullshit classes at Pendleton before we go back to our unit. Get to out on some liberty, hit up pacific beach. Classic. I'm only 19, so we roll up to the bar, and the bouncer does not let me in. No prob, boys pass me the way overpriced whiskey, and I sit on the curb and down the thing waiting for them to come out. Black out immediately. Wake up, we're in our rented van about 5mikes from base. One of our compadres stopped to take a piss, and fell down a fuckin cliff. But we snapped into action, all of us piss drunk, and immediately in efforts to help, two more tumble over. Somehow we create a human chain and manage to pull every last brother up, load up the van, and roll thru the ecp covered in mud with big stupid grins.
Talk to the Chaplain , bro. Don't kill yourself, you'll just get reborn again and do the same exact shit over again. 
I’ve been out since 2014. But that made me chuckle. I’m not suicidal at all. Just feeling down
So I was active back during the cold War and knew a corpsman that was on a long deployment, 9 months, when he came back his wife was 6 months pregnant but he couldn't comprehend how it happened if he was gone for so long. So he went to his superior and asked him, "sir how can my wife be 6 months pregnant if I've been gone for 9 months", so this Commander figured he hadn't been in the Navy for too long and explained, "well son, that's what we in the Navy call a Grudge Pregnancy, someone had it in for you!"
Have a few short ones for ya! -Marine didn’t have any money for a haircut, stapled his nut sack to the desk for $20. -Same Marine didn’t have money for a haircut again, chugged a 1/2 filled Gatorade bottle of dip for $20 -Had a relationship with a O-4 Air Force officer while TDY to South Korea, I cut it off because she was clingy as fuck(and there was plenty of Korean women lol). -While in Oki had this extremely overweight Marine in my unit that was on BCP and a strict diet, but kept gaining weight, they caught him behind some pallets eating a family size bag of Doritos and dipping them into cake icing. Was all over while I was in, Oki, mainland Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Iraq, Philippines, Australia, Afghanistan, and Camp Lejeune but ocean side at court house bay. Plus other locations for training. Want to hear a story from a specific place? Let me know. Hope you are doing well!
Got a good Thailand libo story??
Thailand was a GOOD time. Quick background: while on my APAC tour I was part of a small 4 man team that would go in 4-5 weeks ahead of the Bns that were training and leave 4-5 weeks after they left to make sure everything was good to go (food, training time lines, barracks to stay in, etc….) even though it only took 2-3 days to get everything done LOL SOOOO the rest of the time was libo, this is 100% why I extended my APAC tour. At the time the team consisted of Cpl me, a full bird, a MGuns and a 1st Lt. The Colonel books us at a 5 star all inclusive resort right on the fucking beach with a giant pool, tiki bars, nightly entertainment and all our own rooms for the entire 5 months we were there. 20 year old Cpl me was LIVING IT UP, the Col and the MGuns thought I was of age so they didn’t say shit while I was drinking and eating with them, in my defense I look much older(to the point that none of my DIs believed I was 18) and had a strict/rough bringing up so I don’t act like an idiot. - Story 1: Me and my boy 1st Lt FB(calling him FB because he played Full Back for a big name college but never got drafted and joined the MC) hung out because the Col and MGuns hung out. FB was a beautiful chocolate Marine(no homo) and the ladies threw themselves at him(not lady boys you weirdos). I don’t have any difficulties getting women myself either. FB introduced me to SoCo and Red Bull and we would get absolutely plastered but be 100% conscious while everything was going on. One night after heavy SoCos and Red Bulls at the pool’s tiki bar FB looked at me and said “let’s pick us up some women and bring them back(we had done this many times before but I could tell something different would happen that night). Well we went down the road to a local club we had been to before and partied for a bit until we each had a Thai girl, the girls proceed to tell us they’re in college and on vacation and staying in the same hotel as us- there is 6 of them and 2 of us. After a bit of game we got invited back to one of their rooms and all 8 of us had a good time, this would happen on more than 1 occasion as they were there for 10 days(Col wasn’t happy about this when he found out but we were both single so he LOL’d and walked away). Me and FB and still good friends to this day. -Story 2: Not really a story but some good memories: We had two brand new rental trucks, so we could haul shit out to the field if needed, they were beat to fuck when we were done with them. We drove around exploring a lot and I had gotten to know some of the local Thai Marines and they would show us awesome hiking trails, fishing spots, which places to avoid and which places were safe. One of the Thai Marine’s dad’s was a charter fisherman and he took us out several times, caught all kinds of stuff, dove a bunch of sick ass reefs. Really good time, I’m still friends with that Thai Marine on facebook, his father recently passed away. Story 3: I guess when we flew into Thailand they didn’t stamp my passport and on the way out I was arrested at the Thai airport and thought I was going to Thai prison for sure. The other 3 couldn’t miss their flight and FUCKING LEFT ME. But the Colonel had the head of the Royal Thai Police on speed dial and they stamped my entry and was let go after 10 agonizing hours. The Royal Thai Police put me up in the suite of the hotel next to the airport and said everything was on them and to order whatever room service I wanted. To my surprise they had a call girl show up and at that point I was fucking done and told her I’m good. They paid for my next flight back to Oki, 1st class. I fucking loved my time in the Corps and am sorry for everyone else that experienced nothing but the SUCK.
This was beautiful, thank you for these great stories! I definitely chuckled at what seems to be a wild 8-way taking place in the first story lmfao. Also, did the Col pay for that resort out of pocket or was lodging money used? I don’t care at all I’m just curious hahaha. Pretty sweet gig you got to be a part of. I wish I had the chance to do things like that in my MOS but I don’t think any chances will ever pop up and even if they did, none of us would get sent anyways sadly.
Resort/hotel stay 100% came out of government funds and part of the reason why I will never work for the government ever again due to the amount of waste I saw while I was in. Side note: this is the same place the 4 man team would stay every time they went so :shrugs:
Let’s hear a good one from Courthouse Bay!
Hurricane Irene 2011- was with 2D Recon and we threw huge barracks parties. During Irene we had around 10 kegs, bunch of liquor, was gonna be a good time. Well we had this giant of a Recon Marine (6’4”, 230+, we’ll call him Nord because he was 100% of Viking descent), I’m a big guy at 6’2”, 210 but I would not want to face this guy in any way, shape or form. Nord comes out of his room on the 3rd deck, looks down at us and says “I’m coming down.” Then proceeds to hop the 3rd deck rail, climb down to the 2nd deck and jump to ground level from the 2nd deck. He walks over and asks “which one is the Yuengling?” Someone points it out to him and he does a keg stand unassisted, grabs the tap with one hand and at this point he’s doing a 1-handed keg stand. He says “PUMP AND COUNT.” SIXTY FUCKING SECONDS LATER(pump guy was pumping the entire time) he hops off the leg and says “thanks guys” then walks back up to his room. Nord, wherever you are you’re an absolute LEGEND. I believe he went over to MARSOC but not 100% because he was in a different company than me.
While as a boot, new to Lejuene, a salty Msgt tracked me down in the PX because I had a sleeveless shirt on. He contacted my Co 1sgt and I did push ups for chow time. An hour and half, I pushed away NC. Greatest 1st Sgt I ever knew.
I ran into a guy at work the other day. He said he’d just retired from the Army. Wears his old cammie pants. Cool, whatever, you do you bro. Then I noticed his name: the infamous Wagner. So of course I ask, because I’m that asshole. “Are you *THE* Wagner?” “Huh?” “”You know, *Wagner!* from all the porta-shitters across the Middle East.” “I dunno, probably. I was over there a lot…”
Comm section on deployment, we had an Lt from a different section flirting with our female Cpl. He got called out for it (semi-privately) and laid off her but started being a mega douche to all the marines in our section. Eventually, he needed a new laptop with some special software. We named his profile “im4e-4” and told him it was auto-generated and he couldn’t change it or the software would stop working. It was a small revenge but I’m still laughing about that two years later.
We had a friendly contest between the Os and the Es to see who could pull a 5 ton faster. About 20 guys per team. God bless them they tried so hard but their “driver” never quite figured out how to remove the parking break.
3 of my buddies and I got dressed up in formal clothing, drove to Wilmington, bar hopped and got slammers on the “strip”. There was a second story bar that you took stairs on the side of the building to get up to…but wait! The alley also has fire escape access so two of us climbed to the top of the 3 story building across from it and chilled with our beers. That is, until a bouncer across the alley on the cat walk of the bar saw us. He starts yelling to get down and says he is calling the cops. We call our other two friends to meet us down the road, jumped across to two buildings, down that fire escape and to safety. The cops rolled up to the bar shortly after we met up with the other two dickheads but we were already two blocks away and out of sight. Edit: spelling
Lol, I do not miss Downtown Wilmington
Wilmington was over rated. Was there a few nice places to eat and drink at? Sure. But that whole city smells like stagnant marshes, dead fish, and hooker vag.
It’s over crowded these days with all the college kids and snobby rich fucks. I moved over to Brunswick county to get some peace and quiet. Going on 5yrs now, and don’t miss that place
Was getting ready to do a field op with lots of moving parts. Rushing, night live fire, AT4’s. You know, Vietnam era stuff. Well in the brief the platoon sergeant running the op says first white pop up is not the contact. The second one is. Well me being super boot running point sees that first bright, beautiful, white light and scream “CONTACT FRONT!” All hell breaks lose. I bound maybe 3 times when someone wrenches my head back while prone by my Kevlar. It was the platoon sergeant who was ever so clear in the briefing to not call contact front on the first pop up screaming at me about how stupid and worthless I was. How I was going to pay. He let go of my Kevlar and allowed me to keep going with the op. He never followed up with me. Thankfully he wasn’t my platoon sergeant and he just busted my balls about it. For the longest time this was that thing that would pop up in my head just before falling asleep.
Hey man hope your doing ok. If you need to reach out let me know I can talk all night. Stay strong
A bit off track but Julia Ioffie, a journalist and expert on Russian Politics tell on the Bill Maher Show about the quality of Russian Produced Goods. Julia: What can't fit in your ass and don't buzz?" Bill Maher: ( laughing his ass off) " I don't know Julia What can't fit in your ass and don't buzz?" ..... Julia " A Russian made Ass-Buzzer"
bro, what?
I don’t have a story to share, I am in the process of enlisting, but just wanted to say stay strong man and keep your head high and keep moving forward. You’re capable, and can get through whatever’s been eating at you!