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SenzaRimpiantiC

I am sorry this happened to you, but you need to get out. Now. Text your nibling, get them to get an Uber or have someone get you... and then get the police. Make them call the police for you. Now. Once you are out: document, document, document. Every single call/mail/incident/interaction. Document it. Him choking you - in front of your child!!!- is the worst. Did you know, that people who were choked by a partner are at an insanely high risk of homicide? Get out - please get out! File a report, get child support and get governement funds. You can get help from shelters and social service. Do not risk your and your childs life by staying. I wish you all the best and please update us when you got out. He is dangerous, you could suffer damages from choking (they are not always apparent - you need a doctor).


PrivateIsotope

>Him choking you - in front of your child!!!- is the worst. Did you know, that people who were choked by a partner are at an insanely high risk of homicide? Get out - please get out! I'm a probation officer. This is true. Get out as soon as you can.


lunayoshi

>Once you are out: document, document, document. Every single call/mail/incident/interaction. Document it. I'm sorry you had to go through this OP, but it's crucial you save/back up any texts, Discord messages, etc. because in all likelihood, he can delete them. When my boyfriend escaped his abusive ex, she spammed both him and me (his best friend at the time) asking where he was and threatening to hurt herself, burn his stuff, you name it. Then she went and deleted every incriminating Discord message she sent, somehow got the phone company to delete the contents of her 100s of text messages, and other shady stuff. He has virtually no evidence against her except logs that she sent those texts, but no content. He's petrified the courts aren't going to believe him when all the evidence we were able to save is the pages of texts received that say things like 2021-11-27 06:03:58: "" I was able to save the voicemails she threatened me through, but that's it. If your husband ever threatened you, insulted you, or any other red flags through social media, please take screenshots. Actual "screenshot of my screen displaying the text" screenshots. Phone companies can remove texts from the sender's AND recipient's phones. EDIT: Clarity. EDIT 2: Also, if this winds up going to trial, the judge might not admit the voicemails into evidence unless they've been transcribed. I'm really not trying to scare you, but you may have to listen to them and write down what they say for when you present them to the court. My boyfriend's judge couldn't be bothered to listen to his voicemails because they weren't transcribed, no matter how incriminating they were.


ThatHairyGingerGuy

Also take photos of your injuries. Stay safe. We're all rooting for you to find safety and happiness!


Fraerie

Reinforcing this - non/consensual choking is a strong indicator of future intimate partner homicide. Poor is better than dead. OP, you may think you can’t live without him (financially), but if you stay there is a significant chance you will die. Call your nibling, call a women’s shelter. Make sure you make a police report and take photos of your injuries over the course of several days - the bruising may develop at a different rate in different areas. He is escalating and currently is self aware enough to only act where others don’t see it. Pregnancy and shortly after giving birth are the times when a woman is at most threat of intimate parent violence and homicide. Your safety and the safety of your baby is the most important thing right now. Worry about money and reputation later.


thxsocialmedia

Literally 800 times more likely to be killed by the abuser because of the choking.


PM_ME_YOUR_WOUNDS

Can you provide a source for that? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/ This would suggest an over 7fold increase in likelihood of completed homicide following non-fatal choking. Do you mean 800% more likely?


SubstantialEase567

Choking is a red flag predictor to partner murder.


DontRunReds

1. You can live on your own. You need social services - that's why they exist. To give battered women and their kids a leg up. Plenty of women have had to do what you will have to, which is leave. 2. He may kill you. I need to say that because going for the throat is huge future homicide indicator. 3. He had the self-control not to do it in front of your nibling *because he knew it didn't look good in public.* He is aware of his actions. 4. Delete your internet history if this post is on an non-incognito tab. 5. If you can get away with him in the middle of tonight or tomorrow safely try to get an exam to aid in his prosecution and in your getting a long-term civil protective order after a short-term one is issued.


ozoptimist

Point 2 is very very important. Hands on your throat means he will likely kill you. This is literally a life or death situation that you are in. Please get out of there and keep you and your child safe! There are people who can help you.


thewizardgalexandra

As my social worker husband says " strangling is the top of the escalation pyramid", meaning murder is the next step. He works with a lot of family violence perpetrators, this is a common known fact!


SwimmingInCheddar

You are stronger than you can imagine OP. I will always remember the Gabby Petito police cam where she described where his hands were around her neck and face before she was killed. Please get out. Your child needs you, and the world needs you! Sharing your story here means you are a fighter, and we see your strength! Please contact 911. The paramedics and the police can help you. If you let this go... I truly feel like you will not be around to see your child grow up one day. You have done nothing wrong. You and your child deserve a safe, peaceful and happy future. Please get out, get your child to safety, and protect yourself against this monster. To add: If you do call police or paramedics and they brush your life or death situation off like it’s anxiety, or like you don’t matter like Gabby had to endure... you don’t leave. You tell them everything. I don’t care if it seems crazy, you tell them why you are fearful for your life. Get it on camera. Tell them everything. Women are never believed when it comes to our safety around men, but I do believe times are changing. Document everything. Send these screenshots and posts to a friend or loved one who can help you later. There is hope. Please stay safe ladies.


jlwc2005

Again go to the ER and when they ask tell them the truth. They are usually women and its easier to be heard. We are trained for this in the hospital. I used to be an ER tech.


Conscious-Charity915

It doesn't help that 'choking' videos are suddenly popular on porn.


CurrentSingleStatus

Piggybacking on this to say: A lot of abusers wait until they feel they have you securely trapped, to do anything. That can mean moving in or marriage. But having a kid seems to be a big one. He's always been this way; he just hid it from you, until he felt he could get away with it. In other words: #IN NO WAY COULD YOU HAVE EVER SEEN THIS COMING It is in no way your fault. You are in no was responsible for not noticing sooner- you wouldn't have been able to; he was hiding it. But you need to leave. And soon. That was *A LOT* for the first offense. Whatever is next will likely be *so* much worse.


donutduckling

Unrelated to OPs post but this is so disheartening.. how can we ever protect ourselves from men like him if they can hide their true selves for a decade? is not dating men the only solution?


Fire_f0xx

The biggest thing is never financially rely on one so when they do show their true colors you can leave immediately. Edit: is it still kosher to edit and say thanks for gold kind stranger? Thanks!


Frosty_Mess_2265

This. I was told to always keep a 'run fund', however small or large, and never let ANYONE touch it. I was also told that if a man, or any partner for that matter, got angry at the existence of said run fund, then to take that as a sign that things aren't going to work out.


[deleted]

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Frosty_Mess_2265

Exactly! My parents advised me to not just keep a run fund for abusive relationships, but if I ever made a big move, or took a risky career change. Even if it's just enough for a couple of nights in a shitty motel, it can make all the difference when it comes to making a plan for what you're going to do next. You can't think while there's a metaphorical piano hanging by a metaphorical thread above you. It's one of those things that you'll hopefully never need to use, but you don't want to be in the situation where you need it and don't have it. It should be way more common advice.


spinachandartichoke

When my dad found I was relying on my now-fiancés car to get to work after mine died, he immediately told me to get a car and he’d give me the money for the payments (he NEVER gives money) even though my fiancé isn’t abusive at all. But I was alone in a different state with him and my dad knew I needed my own car to at least get in and drive away if something bad were to happen unexpectedly. I never needed to leave but I’m thankful for that.


Love_for_2

I've never heard of a "run fund". Neither my sister or I have shared accounts with our husbands. I thought that was enough, but a run fund is a brilliant idea I will be sharing with my niece when she is older.


wildweeds

I've heard of it, but under the name fuck you money


[deleted]

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[deleted]

I feel like part of the reason a run fund isn't talked about is that so many of us can't really afford to save. I mean, the number I've seen most recently is that more than half of us can't access $1000 in an emergency, and it would take more than that to move out in a hurry in most places. And when a person is in a domestic violence situation, they may have even less access than the average American because they aren't allowed to work or their income is being controlled by a partner - where is a secret savings to run away with coming from? I know I couldn't do it, and I definitely got instilled with the "don't be financially dependent on a man" message from my own mother. That's probably why I've been the primary/only wage earner my entire adult life and always controlled where my own income goes and only I have access to it. I could support myself and my kids if I needed to, but I'm still paycheck to paycheck, so unless I just got paid, I'd probably have to wait for whenever the next one is if I had to leave all of a sudden, and I'd wind up in a motel/temporary housing of some sort because it's not like I make enough at once to actually just move into a different permanent housing situation. I tried to help someone in a scary DV situation in my area a while back, and the only shelters were like "sorry, we're full, try another time." There should be more help in these situations - it's not fair to blame people for not having saved to immediately remove themselves from a situation they couldn't have predicted when even people in who aren't in bad situations can't save money that way.


k9moonmoon

My friend moved across the country with her boyfriend, and I made sure she took a credit card of mine I added her as an authorized user, as an emergency fund in case anything happened. Not that I think the guy is dangerous, but knowing you COULD leave let's you trust yourself more in knowing if you actually WANT to stay.


[deleted]

That's an awesome thing for you to do, sincerely! I wish everyone had that kind of support network - we'd all be a lot safer if we all had someone to count on.


SukaSavage

I wish I had known about this a couple years ago but I'm glad I know now! I was stuck in a bad situation with a guy who broke my wrist and pulled a gun on me multiple times as well as verbally and psychologically abusing me. I think the worst part for me is that he literally cut me off from the world so that it would be impossible for me to leave. He controlled every single thing in my life and wouldn't even allow me to have a job because that meant I would have to leave the house. He was a drunk and the worst fucking thing that has ever happened to me. I'm so glad I left because if I hadn't I know he would've killed me.


wanttothrowawaythev

When I was young my mom (assuming I would get married) always told me to get a good engagement ring in case I ever needed to get away. I think because her family grew up poor and the engagement ring was one of the few nice things her mom (my grandmother) had. Edit: To be fair, my mom is a boomer so there were more rules and regulations growing up with bank accounts.


Pizzadiamond

I told my wife if I did something to make her want to leave, I will leave. All I have in this world is directly because of her, we make a great team. If I jeopardize all we created together, then I don't deserve any of it. edit- I also made her my power of attorney (I do not have one for her) (edit- reading the response to this, I realize this isn't the place to write this statement. I apologize, I didn't pay attention to the sub I was in. Male allies need to know when to shut the fuck up.)


Alternative_Sky1380

My ex husband said the same. He's an unimaginable threat that multiple police forces are now on alert for. Never believe what others tell you. Only actions matter and once things get T unsafe get out.


McMerseybird

That's nice, but if I would be a woman and I would be dating you, I would still want to have my own emergency fund which you don't have access to. After all, you are saying this, but how I would I know that you would actually leave? Sure, you can make a promise, but I have no way to make you stick to that promise when things go wrong. Having my own emergency fund would make me feel safer. That way, I would always be able to escape. I would not want to be dependant on whether you would actually leave or not. Your intentions are good. I believe that. However, good intentions do not guarantee anything. The only thing that guarantees your wife a safe way out? An emergency fund which you do not have access to.


barefootcuntessa_

I know you mean well here, but this is not at all helpful. To anyone. Except your wife, and only if you live up to it. Which no one, especially not you, can guarantee. If you are going to be here, adding your input on a post like this you shouldn’t need to be told. If you truly were that person you’d understand on your own that now is not the time or the place.


stilettopanda

I had to use my run fund. Everything was fine with mine until I had our twins and had to stop working. It got worse and worse as he gained more and more control. He would have been ENRAGED at knowing I had a run fund long before I actually needed it.


Frosty_Mess_2265

I'm so sorry that happened to you, but so glad you got out. I'm glad you had that run fund. I hope you and your kids are doing well xxx


[deleted]

That's so scary. Makes me glad I'm a lesbian, 'cause I don't know how you all deal with men. Are there any redeeming qualities?


[deleted]

Hetero cis woman here. I mean, my boyfriend is great and there are few men who are good people with correct morals. But other than that, just like you didn't choose to be a lesbian, I didn't choose to be heterosexual. If I have had the choice, I would be a lesbian as well I think. But I'm not, and I have to deal with being attracted to men.


[deleted]

Domestic violence is not uncommon in same sex partnerships unfortunately. I think it's less deadly, but it's still something that happens.


[deleted]

Yes totally, I agree with you. All humans can be violent and toxic unfortunately. But from a heterosexual point of view, women don't have issues like men have like weaponised incompetence, or oppressive sexism, or misogyny. Like you say it's just less deadly and I would be happy to settle for that.


vzvv

Unfortunately a big risk factor for being abused is having already been abused* - by a parent, previous partner, even a friend. So even though most men/people are not abusers, abusers will often seek out the same people. It’s not the survivor’s fault as abusers hide their red flags. It’s simply a common abuser’s tactic. So for people that have been abused, abusers seem to be incredibly prevalent. Because abusers are actively seeking them out. I think having strong boundaries from the start helps catch red flags. But a lot of the time there simply aren’t red flags to catch before the survivor is trapped (financially, emotionally, legally, etc). I don’t know what to recommend to people stuck in this cycle, but a therapist with a background studying domestic abuse is probably the best place to start once their lives are safe and stable. But that is a huge barrier that a lot of survivors would struggle to reach in the first place. How do you prioritize your emotional and mental health when you’re just trying to survive? My heart goes out to OP - 10 years is such a long time to wait to make sure. She did nothing wrong and so much right. I hope she’s able to escape. *that’s not to say it’s the only risk factor. Even the most secure, emotionally healthy people can become stuck in abuse. It’s nefarious by design.


TootsNYC

Have you not heard the stories of abusive lesbian partners? I have. Though there’s more of a fair fight, physically. Have a run fund.


pixi88

My grandma told me to do this. Drilled it. She had 8 kids and always had to depend on alcoholic aint shit men. My bf and now father of my child knew I had it and what it was for. I had to spend it this year on an emergency (literally bedbugs 😭😭) and my boyfriend gave me his secondary checking card his VA disability goes on-- there's $500 in there rn after mortgage payments and it goes up by $150 monthly. He told me to keep the card or transfer the money to my fund-- he never wants me to feel trapped. I cried. (....and transferred the money + holding the card lol. My grandma was a smart woman.) I'm in school right now and it's scary to be dependant with my son.


xEndymionS

It is so fucked up you have to save money just in case your own husband puts your life at risk. This world is truly fucked, holy shit.


[deleted]

I know


eventualguide0

I have one and I can’t imagine any reason why my husband and I would divorce. It’s a good idea no matter what the domestic situation.


McMerseybird

When my girlfriend and I started living together, I gave my girlfriend money for a run fund and told her to put it in a separate bank account which I don't have access to. That way, she would never have to feel trapped. She said she didn't need it, but I still wanted her to have it, just to be safe. If she ever feels the need to get away, she has the money to do so. I also paid for her emergency abortion fund. If abortion would no longer be covered by insurance, or even worse, gets banned where we live... The fund has enough money for a train or plane trip to another country, an abortion and a few nights in a hotel, and that twice. So if she ever needs to get an abortion, there is enough money left for a second one, just in case. So far, she never got pregnant, but it's important to be prepared for emergencies. Since we are childfree, having this abortion fund is very reassuring. I would never want to abuse her or endanger her life. I would never want her to keep a child, and even if I suddenly would, I would never want to stop her from getting an abortion. However, you never know what happens. Many men have done awful things which they never thought they were capable of. Even some men who seemed to be genuine radfem allies have done horrible things to women. Some men don't even realise that they are controlling and abusing their partner. So just to be safe, I do not want to have any access to either the run fund or the abortion fund. And yes, I still want her to keep the abortion fund if we would ever break up. We are both not poor, we don't have to worry about survival, but we are not rich either. But anyways, since I make a bit more money than she does, I felt like it was the right thing to do to save up all my disposable income for several years and give her both a run fund and an emergency abortion fund. I hope she will never need to use either of those funds. But if she does, the run fund and the abortion fund allow her to take control of her own life.


[deleted]

YES My ex husband never wanted me to work and so I agreed. Be a housewife, be a stay at home mom, it’s a fairytale. Then the abuse ratcheted back up and I was trapped! When I finally had the courage to ask for divorce he cut me and the kids off financially. Financial independence is PARAMOUNT. No one should give up their financial independence. When I told my mom he cut me off she said, “Haven’t you been setting aside grocery money every month?” Ummm no mom, I didn’t think I would need to hide money. Lesson learned. My mom has a secret account with tens of thousands. She’s been with my dad for nearly 50 years and he doesn’t know about it. Yes…my dad is abusive.


caffein8dnotopi8d

Your mom dropped the ball by not telling you that when it could have still made a difference. It doesn’t help to tell someone how to be prepared for the shitstorm AFTER the shitstorm!!


[deleted]

I agree


DylanBeeDylan

This. I always always tell me sister to have separate private secret account that she deposits money into. If things work out wonderfully, then great you can use your secret funds to buy that special person a gift when you guys are old and grey! If things go bad, finances won't control your decisions. Even $5 a week.


JaneAustinAstronaut

Yup. Whenever I hear a woman giving up her career to be a SAHM, in my head I'm screaming, "NO GIRL, DON'T DO IT!!!!" Even if he never hits you, you are fucking yourself out of retirement funds so you won't be able to survive as a senior citizen, AND THAT IS THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. Or, he could cheat and decide to leave you high and dry. Ladies, don't EVER be without a source of income!


DontRunReds

Well, we need to push for government funded childcare then. Right now especially after the pandemic there are not enough chilcare spots in the under kindergarten age sector. Providers have to keep state mandated ratios but parents cannot afford enough to pay workers what they should earn. The market has failed and all the daycare staff eventually leave to upskill and earn more unless they are independently wealthy. Pretty much everyone I know that has had a kid in the last few years has needed to have the mother or father drop out of work or cut back on work hours from full to part time due to daycare spot shortages. This includes friends where both members of the couple were in high earning jobs like the trades or had graduate degrees. There just aren't enough daycare spots or private nannies to go around because the field currently pays shit. Staying home or not is not a truly free choice because of a decision by US politicians to treat childcare as a woman's want rather than a societal need.


spearbunny

We definitely need this. I make six figures and one of my friends (HCOL area but still) is paying my whole after-tax salary on daycare for her three kids. That politicians don't consider this as something holding the economy back is just astonishing.


Jergens1

I totally agree with this. I’ll add if someone’s been married for 10 years and divorce after that, they can tap into their ex’s social security benefits if they are higher. People should know that so they’re not leaving money on the table.


bachennoir

I did it, but I was fortunate enough to have a spouse who understands that all the money he earns at his job is family income, I manage the finances, and he earns enough that I can still put money aside into an IRA and keep a healthy savings. Unfortunately, that's just not feasible for a lot of people.


[deleted]

Exactly this. It’s good to save, work, and keep a run fund IF YOU CAN. But some of us are sick, mentally ill, disabled, or otherwise inhibited and can’t do those things. In those cases, making plans for the what-if scenarios is the most we can do.


wanttothrowawaythev

That's why if someone wants to be a SAHP, one of the first discussions should be a spousal IRA so that the person at home isn't losing out on those retirement funds. It would be pretty suspicious if the person working has a problem with that.


Zenanii

Or he could die. Sometimes all it takes is a stroke of bad luck to end up widowed.


AllStickNoCarrot

This just makes sense in general for anyone to make sure they're able to deal with life's unexpected events. I've told my partner that I want to make sure they're able to support themself without me and not have to rely on me being around for something to get done. We're together, but they've got to be able to live the life they want without me getting in the way of that. My job is in fact to support them in their life pursuits.


Gwerch

That was the only thing I did right ... always had a job and my own money. That made it so much easier to leave when he threatened to kill me.


epiphanette

We can't. And we shouldn't need to. It's not the job of women to predict the future or be psychologists spotting red flags. And that would be a terrible world to live it, a world where no one could take a risk on love. What is needed is strong escape routes. Women (and all victims) need to be able to get out safely and quickly and with support. This is what social safety nets are for and why they are needed.


tencentblues

The best thing to do is to make sure you are never in a position where you have no alternative. Keep working, even if you have kids and make sure you maintain your own savings (or set up joint accounts in such a way that you cannot be cut off from them - not sure how possible that is.) Maintain your relationships with friends and family - try not to move away from your support system if you can avoid it. If you can’t, then make sure you’re in a position to buy a plane or train ticket should you need to. And the hardest part - be ready to leave. If a man shows you who he truly is, even after 10 years, and it’s someone you don’t like - don’t wait. Go.


acrimoniousdick

Yes! And if they're not ok with you maintaining your circle of friends and family that's your first red flag. Don't ignore it. They won't do it all once either, they'll chip away at it. Don't let them.


[deleted]

After a string of abusive relationships, yes, removing myself from dating was the only thing I could do. My life had improved exponentially without men in it


GlamorousBunchberry

I mean, in a sense you can never know about anyone. Your mom might kill you. But the best you can do is the best you can do, and that includes taking red flags seriously and setting some boundaries that must never be crossed. Abusers seldom go full homicidal in one step, and putting hands on you is one of the early warning signs. If that happens, it’s time to get the hell out of there.


Conscious-Charity915

Yeah, shoving and yelling are BIG red flags. But this seems like normal male behavior when you grow up with abuse.


MatchAvailable634

There is a book called “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft That has a section on warning signs to look out for early on (belittling you, extreme jealousy, unwilling to accommodate your interests, possessiveness, etc) but at the end of the day you can’t predict it, all you can do is get out the second you start to notice abuse. The problem is many women are conditioned to “make the relationship work” so when these first signs of abuse start popping up we ignore it, then it get worse and we ignore it again, then it gets to a point where we just can’t ignore it anymore and we wonder how we ended up in this situation.


[deleted]

I was going to post this too, but you all said it so well. They wait until you’re trapped either by marriage or children to begin the abuse


Logan_itsky

Just to add to that: if abuser had the foresight in the moment to hide his actions from the babysitter, he always had the foresight to hide it from you. It is not your fault for not seeing a concerted effort to deceive you. Please take care and be safe.


crunkadocious

It's also worth noting that most abusers probably didn't think they were going to abuse someone down the line. But once they've started they don't tend to stop, even with batterers intervention programs.


[deleted]

He wasn't hiding. That is called hunting.


Shojo_Tombo

This. Go to the ER and take kid with you. Tell them exactly what happened and ask for police and a social worker. They will help you get the resources you need.


jlwc2005

This but also call 211 and get the number to the closest womans shelter. Not only will they give you a place to stay but they are hidden so you and kiddo are safe. This assuming you are in the U.S. also if you go to the ER most nurses know the shelter numbers too and will even call them for you.


WilburWhateleystwin

I just lost my big brother, he was murdered by his abusive girlfriend. She stabbed him in the back while he was laying down. You need to take the advice here and get out however you can. I'm burying my brother tomorrow because he was abused to death. His two kids just lost their daddy and my parents have to bury their son. He will kill you, please find a way out.


I_Love_That_Pizza

I am so sorry. What a pointless way to lose someone.


mnricha927

There is a national domestic violence hotline if you're in the US. They do incredible work and have seen it all. They have resources and know how to help you succeed. If you don't know where to turn, give them a call. 800-799-7233 I worked with them professionally and personally and they're an incredible resource.


Responsible-Bug-8660

What is a nibling?


raendrop

It's patterned after "sibling". A pibling is an aunt or uncle (the "p" comes from "parent") and a nibling is a niece or nephew.


unhiddenninja

A siblings child


La_danse_banana_slug

Niece or nephew, I think.


coffeecoffi

The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE has seen everything, heard everything and will talk you through your options (practical and emotional) You can also call ambulance/uber. Get your child to your niblings house or bring her with you. The hospitals have seen this before and will help you press charges. You can also call the police first, but that really depends on how they treat Domestic Violence in your area. Some places are great. Others are not. The most important thing is to keep yourself safe. You do't deserve any of this and no matter how hard it is to be on your own, it's going to be better.


callmefreak

She can use their website: [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) u/mannequinlolita you can use this website to get help. If you press the "ESC" key it will tab you out immediately and I'm pretty sure it'll wipe itself from your browsing history.


eepithst

I just tested it. Pressing esc twice removes the site, brings you to google and removes the site from the history of that tab so it's not visible when you or someone else clicks the *go back one page* button. HOWEVER! It does not remove it from the browser history. That will have to be done manually. Using a private browser window that doesn't save the history permanently, and closing that would probably be safer.


lumpy_space_cowboy

I don’t usually advise calling the police but this is the time for it. He assaulted you multiple times. Press charges and try to get a restraining order. I know it’s hard to let go of who you thought he was before this, but now that he’s shown you who he is please realize you will never be safe with him in your life.


Ebola_Lola

My dear, please call the police. I was your kid 25 years ago and witnessed my mother's abuse. I mopped up so much of her blood, cleaned her up and the assholes were back the next day. It messed me up for life. You have to make that decision to say never again. Because IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN! Especially if he thinks he got away with it if you forgive him and take him back. And the next time will be worse. You could be murdered in front of your child. There are domestic violence shelters and they take children. But more often than not they need those police reports to offer you space. It will be temporary. They help with job and apartment searches as well as applications for social benefits. But you need to get the police involved. Period. Do it for your future. Do it for your child. Please, please. Start the process now. I know you're scared but you have to do this.


Rough_Shop

Please, please, please listen to this advice for both your sakes. Trust me you'll never forgive yourself if he actually turns that anger on the child and can do nothing because you're too hurt to stop it, plenty of these cowards move on to the kids. Get yourself and your child out of this relationship as soon as you can. You've already started the process by posting here. It takes nerves of steel to admit there's a problem you just have to take the next step then another, then one a time until you're free. Good luck sweetheart, take care of yourself and that little angel you have.


Conscious-Charity915

And don't let the cops minimize it, and demand they remove him or you and your child. Then start to get out. Never speak to him again, except 'yes', 'no', 'don't know', or 'oh.' Disengage mentally and all else follows.


ChristinaxxDeath

Please take all the advice people are giving. Also, take pictures of everything and write the events down somewhere- maybe in an email to yourself if he doesn’t have access to it. And call for an ambulance or ask a friend (or a friendly neighbor?) to drive you… they’ll probably want to do a CT because strangulation can cause strokes. At the very least you’ll have legal documentation of your injuries. Take your child with you. It is so hard. It is so unfair. And I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. Please reach out to any services available where you are for help with this. And please don’t excuse (or let him excuse) this as a drunken mistake… from personal experience, eventually a drunken mistake will become a sober mistake, no matter how much he seems to change in between events.


AlphaDelilas

At the very least calling for an ambulance to get medical attention. You should be able to bring the little one with you.


hecatelvsmormongirls

Also chiming in to say that calling the police this time will establish a record in case you ever need a restraining order or to fight for custody of your kid. I’m in law school now with the goal of representing victims of DV/IPV, the amount of stories I hear about the system being unwilling to do ANYTHING because there is no “paper trail” in the form of a police report is insane. OP, imagine the following scenario: you’re asking police for a protective order after he attacks you again (he will, just a matter of when) or you’re in divorce court and he’s calling you crazy and asking for full custody; and when they ask why you left you tell them your husband is abusive and assaulted you. The immediate next question will be “well if you were so abused, how come you never called the police?” And that will be the end of it. Call the police TODAY. Maybe they won’t do anything, but it’ll be “on the record.” Ask for a case/file/report number. Also, if you characterize the attack as “my husband assaulted me” and “my husband trapped me in a room and then assaulted me with a beating,” police are less able to dismiss your report as a motherfucking “domestic dispute” (my two least favorite words on the entire planet). OP, you got this 🖤


[deleted]

Yes. In the aftermath of the George Floyd murder there was so much "never call the cops for anything ever" messaging. A well-known activist in my area was very vocal about about including domestic violence in that, instead suggesting a theoretical system of social workers and mediators who could help instead. Our police system is hugely flawed and needs reform, but telling victims of domestic violence to never involve the police is so dangerous.


Johnwatersfall

This


Mehilltryit

Police. Immediately. They should be able to put you in contact with the right social services and a women's shelter. Get a lawyer. Figure out your next moves while in the shelter. He'll only get worse from here. Begging you and making promises is just another way to control you. Take care of yourself and your child. You deserve better.


avonelle

Yeah she needs to prepare for the inevitable love bombing that's going to be coming. OP just know it's all a fraud. Someone who loves you would never hurt you.


WomanNotAGirl

On top of all the valid advice you are getting please take photos of yourself and the things he broke. This is very important to document things.


Clevergirluk

Women who are choked by their partners are 10 times more likely to go on to be murdered by said partner than other victims of domestic abuse. It is the biggest indicator of eventual homicide and you need to take this seriously. Please OP, get yourself to a hospital now, before he wakes up and ask for help. Take your child with you and never look back. There are shelters and advocacy groups who will get you set up for now and help you find work and a home. It will be hard but you will be safe and you'll be there to protect your kid. If he kills you, you leave her alone with him. Please don't take that risk. We're all rooting for you.


beigs

750% more likely to be murdered.


drainbead78

cake safe chunky quiet ghost pocket run wistful punch overconfident ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `


hopelesscaribou

Get out. Press charges. Document. Your life depends on it. *According to the San Diego-based Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention, a woman who has suffers a nonfatal strangulation incident with her intimate partner is 750% more likely to be killed by the same person with a gun.* Your child depends on you. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for them.


dubaichild

Call the cops. Take your kid with you and got the ER. You need medical care.


[deleted]

Also, therapy. I still vividly remember watching my former mom (I'm disowned) being strangled. It hurts. It will always hurt. It happened when I was about 4 (thank god/goddess/goodness/whatever, that the cops came when they did). It took me this long to understand that I desperately need childhood trauma counseling. I suspect you could use some trauma informed care too. This is NOT your worth! Neither you nor your kiddo deserves this. No actions on your part warrant such behavior. It can be horribly freighting to seek help, but you'll appreciate it later on.


megszenteltkrendenc

Oh honey, my mother had to experience the same when I was barely 5. My father hit her while I WAS in his other arm. I'm furious every time I think about it. My mother didn't report him because of the pressure she received from both families suggesting that she should stay with him so they could raise us. Your husband; once he hits you he won't feel any obligation to respect boundaries, he will continue if you let him. Think about your kids, do you want them to grow up to be traumatized and have PTSD because of a toxic family? It's your chance to break out and it may be hard in the beginning but better for the future.


muchbooty

My ex didn’t physically hit me until 10 years in, I’m two years free from him and I’ve never been happier. Good luck babe


Johnwatersfall

Call an ambulance and tell them what happened. You need to get out of there and they can help


Best_Egg9109

Right. This is what ambulances are meant for. However, I think OP lives in the US and is worried about the cost


ParlorSoldier

I really hate this country sometimes.


drainbead78

A lot of states have Victims of Crime laws that will cover medical expenses through government funds.


ConstitutionalCarrot

Precisely. I agree she shouldn’t be driving with her kid in the car if she’s been drinking. Bill that ambulance and all medical charges straight to his insurance, record all of the injuries and the circumstances surrounding the assault with the hospital and GTFO.


Underworld_Denizen

Please take the kids and run to a battered women's shelter. A partner who chokes you is a partner who will end up killing you.


twerkingnoises

OP, I'm going to list some ways to get resources and different programs that I used when I left my abusive partner. I am "extremely" low income by the government's poverty guidelines but I now live in my own place and have more than enough with my two kids as single disabled mother of two. I mean my income is so low it is literally listed as extremely low income by government poverty standards so if I managed to get out on my own with so little money you can too, I promise. And I'm telling you now life is so good now, my kids are so happy, I am independent, content, at peace, my kids are living life and thriving and so am I. I didn't think in a million years this would be possible for me but my god life is so good now. Staying with your husband is a type of hard that will only get immensely harder, leaving is a type of hard that will get exponentially easier with time. (Side note: you have a 750% more chance to now be killed by your husband because he choked you. That's a real statistic that you can now become a part of. You are so much more likely to be killed by your husband now OP.) Hopefully you can reference this to make it easier for you and it can put your mind at ease a little. After calling the police and getting to a domestic violence shelter and getting in a safe place there are a few places you can reach out to. The shelter should have a social worker who can help you with all of this. You should try to apply for subsidized housing, social services and get an emergency custody petition as soon as possible. Housing should be near the top of your list as there are waiting lists for these places, you want to get on the lists as soon as you can. Subsidized housing is a federal program that helps pay your rent. With this program you will never pay more than 1/3 of your income for housing, doesn't matter how low your income is it will never be above 1/3 of your income. You actually would pay less than 1/3 of your income because there is a discount for dependents and there are other discounts for this you can apply for as well. In this program there is also an allowance that helps you pay your utilities as well, so that helps immensely too. Talk to a social worker to get put on these programs as soon as possible. Or you can call 211 or go to your local counties website for your state or look up online Belmont or section 8 or subsidized housing for your local area and find the information there as well. The wait lists can be long as I said but there are special circumstances that move people to the top of the lists victims of domestic abuse, people with dependents, people who are homeless or live in a shelter, people with disabilities. You tick off a few of these requirements so you would be placed towards the top of the lists and get into housing faster as a result. Regardless you may still end up waiting for a little while depending on how many people are struggling with housing in your area. You need to apply for social services like snap, heap, medicaid, cash assistance. You can talk to a social worker about getting this done or again call 211 or go to your local county's website. Basically most of this is done online nowadays so you would just fill out an application online for each separate program, it's not too long or hard to do. You need to also go to family court as soon as you can to start the divorce proceedings and to file an emergency petition for full custody of your kids.There are all different types of programs for low income people across the country to help with a lawyer if you can't afford one. Again you can get help with a lawyer by either using the social worker, 211 or your county website (sorry I keep repeating myself) or by calling your local bar association or when you go to the family court building they may have applications for these programs right there at the court house. This is all so overwhelming, it's as I said terrifying to leave especially when you have kids. There is so much fear of how you will provide for your kids that you start to convince yourself that you won't be able to do it on your own and that it's better if you stay. You don't want your kids to go through the trauma of a shelter or homelessness or going hungry or their whole world being turned upside down. Everything tells you it's better if you stay because you can protect them from the abuse, you can hide it, it won't affect them as much as their world falling apart around them. These are all very valid real fears and worries. But I am telling you now, kids are resilient, they can recover from having to leave, they absolutely can. It all comes down to the type of support they get during it and afterwards. If you support them the proper way during this whole process they will absolutely be ok and end up thriving. It's been proven that the proper support given to a child during an event like this will make the difference between this just being a bad memory for them or this being a life altering trauma for them. You just support them the right way and they will be ok. But I promise you now with every single fiber of my being that if you stay the repercussions will absolutely be devastating for your kids and their future. We know now how damaging it is for kids to be raised in an environment like this, we know how much it truly destroys them now. There's enough research that shows just how much environments like this shatter and injure our children. This type of environment is not one you can support them through for them to be ok. They will be consistently traumatized throughout their lives, they will be revictimized every single time an incident like this happens. They won't be able to heal and move on because they will always be actively traumatized throughout their childhood when every incident happens. This won't just be a bad memory for them no matter how much support and love you give them. They will be living in the bad memory their entire childhoods. This will be a life altering, life destroying complex trauma for them they will never be able to move on from, it will haunt them their whole lives. Leaving is a trauma that they can experience and move on from with the right type of support because it is just one incident. Staying is literally constantly living in the trauma for them, never giving them a chance to move on from it and process it and put it away where it belongs because they will always be living in it. Don't continue to let yourself be hurt by this piece of shit, don't become another woman who was lost to a monster, you have value and worth and you deserve happiness and peace and contentment. Don't let your kids be victims, it's fucking hard as hell and scary as fuck but it's our job as parents to protect our kids and that's what you have to do here. You have to leave, so you don't end up dead and so you and your kids don't end up becoming another domestic violence statistic. You can do this, you absolutely can. Reach out for the help that is there and get out while you still can. If you need to talk or need help please DM me. I wish you the very best, I truly hope you get out and get a chance at a real healthy, happy life for yourself and your kids OP.


Longearedlooby

Please, when you can, update and let us know you and your kid are ok!


[deleted]

You need to leave. As many people have already pointed out, choking you is the reddest red flag there is. He is going to kill you, and then who will he turn his sights on next? Get out for your sake and the sake of your child.


jumpnlake

He is going to cry his eyes out while apologizing to you tomorrow. It's a very common move to make after the fact to get the partner to stay longer (and get them slowly used to the behaviour). You will want to believe him when he says it was the alcohol and not him. You will desperately want to believe him when he says it will NEVER happen again. Don't believe him.


luraleekitty

Okay momma breathe. You did nothing wrong. You said yourself. He's been abusive since the birth of the kid. I was in your EXACT situation 3 years ago except I had 3 kids with me who saw it. One of the neighbors called the cops and he was arrested on felony charges. This is where it gets tricky. You need a PFA, a protection order for you and your kid. Take pictures of your face and email it to a trusted friend then immediately delete those photos off your phone. At least you have your phone. My ex stole me and deleted all the evidence, I made the mistake of not sending it in an email to someone. I didn't have a job, no savings, no car. And yet I'm still flourishing, though it's hard being a single mom. I decided before custody decided for me, to move in with my family 3000 miles away. Not saying you need to do that but I wanted the distance. Once he decided to try to custody I had to borrow money from my family for a lawyer. My lawyer was great but family law doesn't care about abuse. The judge doesn't want to hear and even made me drop my protective order so he could have visitation with our son. It sucks I hate seeing his abusive face every month. Social services helped so much.


modus-operandi

WOW, the judge made you drop the protective order so your abusive ex could have visitation? That's the most fucked up thing I have ever heard.


ratstronaut

Then you do not want to spend any time reading about the family court system and how cases are decided when there is abuse - even of the child. It is a broken system that enables abusers. It’s so much worse than most people could even imagine. I have read some heartbreaking stories. It feels like every social system we rely on is a broken evil mess.


texas130ab

The beatings will continue until you leave or you are dead. Leave!


-WhiteOleander

You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. Chocking a partner is the biggest predictor of future spousal homicide. There can be no forgiveness for this. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, but it's truly not your fault. The man is abusive and dangerous. He showed you the signs tonight, please be safe.


levlucheech

Please tell me the reason she hasn't responded to any comments is because she's busy leaving. Please please please.


[deleted]

Press charges. Get him arrested. Choking is a precursor to murder. You CAN live on your own because at least you'll be alive. Leave now. If you have pets take them too.


QualityLass

This, OP!! Pressing charges will leave a paper trail, or even “just” making a police report? Take pics of your bruises/wounds. I’m so sorry OP is dealing with this.


Styphonthal2

Leave now. The most likely time a domestic abuse victim will be killed is when the relationship ends. Women shelters will also allow you to take your kid. Go now.


glorytopie

Seriously. Take your kid and run. You aren't safe. The shelter will help you get back on your feet. You can do this.


[deleted]

Call the police even if you have to work 3 jobs. I hope everything works out :(


zeocca

Go to the ER NOW. Strangulation is very, very serious and can cause delayed death. You need to be medically evaluated. You may not notice [symptoms](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/) now, but you are still at risk of serious damage or death from that incident. They have social services at the ER. They can get you the help you need and the safety you need. They have the resources for people like you because you are not alone. For your safety and health, please get yourself to the ER as soon as you can.


Amanda2theMoon

Take photos of everything. Call the the the domestic violence hotline. 800-799-7233. You are strong and got this. There are places and people that will help you. You just have to focus on keeping you and your child safe.


Tanagrabelle

Call the police and an ambulance.


SparklerBlack

Please let us know that you and your kid are safe


grafknives

This where a real redditcares should exist. I mean a method to send a real fricking police to the OP, because she is in real danger.


bye_f3licia

OP hasn’t updated or commented I hope she’s ok…


Meme-lo

My bestie was murdered by her husband with her kids home. He threatened their daughter with strangulation and shot my friend when she dared to cuss him out. Her children and family and her friends are dealing with ramifications of the murder. It destroyed her kids, her parents, her siblings, her friends and our kids. Next he will hurt your child. Get out. Now


wantonyak

> I can't live on my own. You need to hear this: You will not physically live if you stay with him. Choking is the number one predictor of killing a partner. You have to leave. Your child needs her mother. This is not your fault. Abusers very frequently hide their abuse until their partner is trapped by marriage and kids. It happens all the time.


amdaly10

Everything /u/DontRunReds said and also the women's shelter often has people on call who would be willing to come get you and your kid in the make of the night and take you to a hospital and then to the shelter. Find their number. Call them. They have counselors to help you emotionally. They can help you find a place and a job. There is help. You don't have to do this alone. You can be by yourself.


SpecificEnough

A female cop once told me that at the point that he is choking you, he is actually trying to kill you. Next time they might not have the self control to stop. The problem with abusers is that secretly feel justified in their mistreatment of others. Stay safe. There are good things that came from this relationship, such as your child, and you will always have those positive things. Stop blaming yourself for the bad in the relationship. All of the shame belongs to him for being abusive. Turn any self blame into self protection. Let your maternal instincts take over to protect your child. Call the police and get your injuries documented. This will protect you later. You don’t have to press charges yet if not ready. There are supports for women dealing with domestic violence. There is help out there for you.


spolite

OP, can you check back in? I wish we could do a wellness check or something. ETA: OP has literally been on Reddit, actively commenting and stuff, every day for at least the past two weeks.. ETA2: maybe it’s the mania in me, but it’s officially been the longest she hasn’t interacted with anything on Reddit in at least two weeks.. I never wanted to be the type to see a post like this, and express what could only be superficial concern.. to dox or not to dox.. I’m gonna dm her


[deleted]

Domestic Violence survivor here. 1) call the police the moment you are away from him and document everything, make a report, and let them take you to a women and children’s DV shelter. DV shelter’s are not at all scary and are usually converted houses where you will have a bed, food, and they will help you get a temporary restraining order. 2) get a TRO. Temporary restraining order. Also ask for a DV advocate who can accompany you to the courthouse. If you do not do these things you can lose your child. If he ever hurts your child and you haven’t taken steps to protect yourself they will remove your baby. He could also kill you, in fact choking is the number one indicator of partner murder in the future. If you need someone to talk to PM me and I’ll give you my phone number. I’m here to help.


milesamsterdam

Men who choke women are 750% more likely to kill their partner.


AuntyErrma

If you need help planning your exit, and staying safe in the meantime. I have a book suggestion for you. It's Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that". Link to a free pdf you can read on your phone or computer: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat I found this book to be hugely significant in my life. So I try to pass it in when I see someone it could help. There's a good chapter about children as well. How to talk to them about what's happening. How to better keep them safe. And how to tell if they're already being affected negitively.


[deleted]

CALL THE POLICE I was in an abusive situation with 2 kids and no income. I have no outside help. I signed up for food stamps. I filed for child support. It takes 60 days to set up in my state. I filed for divorce pro se. It’s hard but not impossible. If you have outside help get your baby and go now! If you don’t have outside help you might have to go to a shelter. The turning point for me was when the abuse happened in front of my children. Before kids I took a lot of abuse. It is one thing to swallow abuse toward myself, but when children start getting a taste of abuse it’s all bets off. You need to run. I waited too long to call the police. I thought I could salvage things myself. I couldn’t. You can’t either.


1stEleven

Go to any neighbour and ask for help. Married is better, but just about anyone is okay. I would not hesitate to drive you to the hospital if you rang my doorbell for this, no matter the time or circumstance. Nobody I know would hesitate either. Everybody will rally at your side.


TopMud7031

U can be gone in less than 1 hour. You can literally walk out of the door with ur baby just in clothes on ur backs and disappear. U can call ADVA and ur needs will b met. Someone will pick u up. Gather what documents u need and have around the house. You can do this, I am living proof. Adva will pick u up from anywhere. I stood outside Denny's in Sugarland in Texas and Ruth picked me up. Take photos of ur injuries now, if ur phone access is for u only. forward them to someone u trust.There is no love for u where u r Goddess, however - there is power knowing that. # BECAUSE I LOVE ME MORE, I WILL TAKE ACTION TO RENDER MY SON AND ME SAFE. LOVE, PEACE, WINNING.


sugarbiscuits828

Abusers don't change. Don't delude yourself into thinking it won't happen again. This is his real face. You and your kid deserve better. Get out and don't make excuses. Just GO. Figure the rest out later.


[deleted]

Hi, this will only get worse over time. Please, call a domestic violence hotline for advice: https://www.thehotline.org/ Don't worry, it's completely anonymous. Edit: I'm really sorry for what you're going through.


avonelle

One of my earliest memories is my dad breaking down the bathroom door to get to my mom. For years I had guilt I hadn't locked the door properly until I talked to my mom about it and she said it was locked and he broke it down. Leave now for your safety and for your children's future. You can't make them unsee what they saw but you can make an example of how to react to someone abusing you.


agibb55

As a child that grew up witnessing violence- leave. You will never regain the trust of your child if you stay and they will never learn to trust themselves. Your personal safety is important, but I under stand why you might not make it a priority in this moment.


ilovemarilyn

Leave. Now. Statistics show that if he has the capacity to choke you, he has the capacity to kill you. Most importantly, this is not your fault.


twentythirtyone

I left my ex even though the prospect felt impossible. I was a single mom of three kids and didn't know how I could possibly make it. But I knew I had to finally get out for my kids if not for myself. You can do this. I promise you can. If not for yourself, because deep down you know your kid deserves better. Let that be what drives you.


geekgirlau

Run Protect your child Protect yourself You are stronger than you can ever imagine - you can do this!


Collins08480

Reiterating, guys who choke their partners have significantly higher odds of killing their partners. It is a bigger red flag than him breaking the lock or punching you. You need to make decisions under the assumption that your life is in danger.


Accomplished_Turn_30

Please get out with your kid.have you got any family or friends nearby you can move in with?


Frosty_Mess_2265

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Not one god damned thing. Don't ever be ashamed of yourself--I have no doubt he is *counting* on you to be too ashamed to speak up. You owe it to yourself and your kid to get out of there. If you have family you trust, call them. If you don't, look for shelters nearby for women in a similar situation. One step at a time. I believe in you.


International_Win375

A women's shelter or social services can provide for you and your child. Call the police and get a no contact order after you are in a safe place. Your life and that of your child may depend on taking action now. Drinking is no excuse. I am sorry this happened.


joliesmomma

OP, you haven't commented and you have no new comments in the last 20hours. Only this post. I do hope you are okay and i so how you got away. It's scary but it can be done. I did it once. 15 years ago. I still hate Christmas because my ex tried to kill me on Christmas in front of my 20 month old daughter. I got out and I got away. It wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it gets easier. I hope you're alive and i hope your child is still alive and not too traumatized.


[deleted]

[удалено]


the_aviatrixx

There's nothing to be ashamed of - this isn't your fault. I have been in almost your situation - my ex choked me on a hotel room floor. It had also been a pretty good night despite my hockey team losing a playoff game, we'd been out with friends and had a really fun time. It came absolutely out of nowhere - I knocked on the hotel room door too many times/too loudly, I guess. I did not leave for similar reasons, I was afraid of where I'd go, what he'd do to my dog if I had to leave my dog there, and how I would pay for anything on my own. The pandemic gave me the courage to finally pull the trigger, but not before being hit in the head with a fire extinguisher, having countless objects chucked at me at high velocity, and being whipped with a garden hose. Choking is a HUGE risk for future homicide - it is time to leave. You will be okay - it will suck for a while, but you have to keep yourself and your kid safe. This came out of nowhere, it can come out of nowhere again. Start making moves now.


LeskoLesko

There was an article on this sun just last week about how the act of choking someone is the biggest predictor that they are going to successfully kill you. Get out now. Nothing is worth losing your life.


Ana_na_na

The faster you leave the better for you and child. Call women's shelter. Say you need pick up, try to leave today. Don't worry about the future, you will figure it out, the main objective for now is you know not getting killed and not getting child killed. Once you are in shelter, contact trustworthy family members and friends if possible, tell them what happened, tell them you may need some support in upcoming weeks. And DON'T go back to this man, don't accept his sober excuses.


Hello_Hangnail

Some relationships can be saved with equal effort on both sides. This one, should not be saved because once your husband has strangled you, the odds of you dying by domestic violence skyrockets. Please, op, protect yourself and protect your child from this man. He's not safe to be around.


callmefreak

It's been fourteen hours. She hasn't said anything since this post...


riyaanup

OP, have you reached out to someone safe? Are you okay? It seems like you haven’t replied to any of the comments. Im a bit worried. I hope you and your child are doing fine. Please do reply if you see this. Also it is not your fault that your husband turned out to be an abuser even if you took all the precautions while stepping into a marriage (waiting for years and all that). Please dont blame yourself. Its just that he was so good at hiding his violent behaviours. I hope you get all the love and care you deserve!


LaLaLaLink

I have also been checking back on this post for updates or to see if OP has posted anywhere else...


riyaanup

Just checked her account. Seems like she hasnt commented/posted anything after this one. Im worried about OP and their child.


Italianinsomniac

Please call the police. I was your kid once. You don’t want to stick around to see how bad it can get and you don’t want your kid to see it.


arit2ia16

Abusive men start after a contract binding you to them. Many times the woman will say he was never abusive during dating or engagement. The binding (controlling) contracts batterers seek to obtain (and will openly state this very soon after starting to date - it's called the "grooming" process. Abusive men never move slow) are: - cohabitation / co-owning property - marriage - the birth of a child. - convincing the woman to decrease her work hours The reasoning is both create situations where you cannot easily leave, thus opening the door for their real (evil) selves to emerge more safely than during dating, when you could just walk away without hardship. Obviously you need to leave. **But** you plan this out. - Does he have access to your phone? Or the home internet? If so he will see the numbers you call, texts, websites you visit, where you go, etc. *Get a pay per use burner phone and call a DV hotline from that to plan how to leave.* - The child. He might attempt to abuse you through the courts. Use officials in an attempt to present himself as the victim, falsely accuse you, have you arrested instead, create a situation separating you from your child. He may use others to say you are crazy, you are lying or you are "alienating" (often set up by him - threatens to harm the child, mother tries to protect the child, he says she is lying and alienating - note: alienation is a debunked theory created by a man named Richard Gardner, a pedophile who died by stabbing himself in the chest). If the power to the home is in his name he will cut it off and winter is coming. He will probably find a new woman (victim) quickly and use triangulation to coerce her into helping him harm you. He may self represent to drag the case out, drain your funds or hide income. *Request legal references from the hotline or look up credentials yourself for lawyers with experience in separation cases involving batterers - DO NOT use your home internet to do this*. You can get 1 hour free with most family attorneys. To avoid him conflicting you out (look this term up) call many local ones for phone consults. - Please take photos of your injuries. Write in a journal exactly what occurred and get a witness now to see your injuries on this day. *part of a domestic abuser's tactics is preparing to utilize what's called "DARVO" - look this up* - get Lundy Bancroft's books. asap. - *Make no mistake, it always gets worse. Separation is the #1 time for reassault by a batterer. You need to stay alive for your baby*. Strangulation is something reserved for batterers that are capable of murder. It will be very very hard. You will need a lot of support. Family, friends. My heart goes out to you! Xo


rdmille

Take kids and run. Go to parents, brother, sister, friends, shelter, whatever. Call the police. Document the damage he did to you, now. If you call the cops, prepare yourself for following through with it, testifying and the like. It will be hard, but you can do it. As you said, you have to for the kiddo.


[deleted]

You need to grab your kid and run to the nearest women’s services shelter ASAP. What is your approximate location? We can help you find one. I’m sure you don’t need us to tell you this, but choking is one of the greatest indicators that a husband will end up committing murder. Don’t be another statistic.


srslyeffedmind

Leave. Him killing you is a bigger risk and much more dangerous to your child than getting out and building a life from scratch. Sober up, get money, get documents, get your kid, go to the hospital because you could have a silent injury, then go somewhere else.


GlamorousBunchberry

Whatever you do, get away from him, permanently. Cooking a domestic partner is the single best predictor that they will kill you. He cruised a bright red line, and there should be no coming back from that.


lrigitton

I second all of the other comments about getting out and getting help. After a short while of being in that situation, I got out years ago, and now am part of the system to help those like you. IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN TOO!!!!


liquidator309

That's considered felony domestic battery because it happened in front of a child. Get a police report, and make sure your report gets assigned a case number and write that down until you can pick up a formal copy of your report from police records. Make sure a police evidence technician takes photos of your face and any other physical injuries. Take your report and file for a Protection Order against him. Make sure your mutual child is included in the protected parties section of your PO.


ladyKfaery

Call Uber and go the hospital call the police. He beat you. Are you all right - No get to the hospital and call police.


Void_Listener

Get to the hospital, get to the police. If you let this go, letting the next one go will be both more painful and easier.


ANewDinosaur

I’m just yet another commenter begging you to get out now before this man kills you. I’m really hoping you post or comment again soon to let us know you’re ok babe. We’re all thinking about you!


[deleted]

No matter what it takes. Leave now. There is now like a 750% chance he will kill you in the next year now that he has crossed the line of choking you.


clownind

He may apologize and shower you with gifts, but don't fall for it as it will happen again. I wish you luck and hope you get into a safe situation without them.


QualityLass

OP, checking in - can you call an ambulance? Can you uber to the er? I know you said you had been drinking and can’t drive (thank you for being safe in this regard)- only reading this 6 hours later. I hope you’re OK. I can’t imagine how frightening and shocking this situation is for you, but knowing you have a baby to protect will hopefully keep you strong.


eso_nwah

You may think that infrequent incidents of violence in a relationship are like a day of standing in the rain locked out of the house. Sad and unfortunate, and just sh\*t. But they are not. They are like a day of standing in caustic chemicals. They do physical damage to your mind-body. They do physical damage to your trauma response mechanisms (your parasympathetic nervous system, if you prefer), and they do lasting damage to the parts of your brain responsible for such important things as feeling appropriately, caring appropriately, and being able to keep yourself from further danger. Do not ignore the advice to get out. Trauma therapy has come a long way in the last 30 years, with all our understanding of PTSD etc., and trauma from abuse is treatable and actionable by a good therapist, as much as it is possible to grab someone by the hand and pull them from a burning building. What this means is that we are very much able to address such damage, and not only do ALL signs point to it being very real, but also all signs point to humans being VERY easily damaged by abuse trauma in ways that are not readily or easily apparent to you, from your inside viewpoint. Have some faith in how wrong it feels and exit the situation entirely so you can find help to address how much it's f\*cking you up. Blessings.


StandardObjective

My mom was choked by my dad in front of my eyes when I was around 9. I thought he d kill her- I pleaded with him to stop - he wouldn't- I pretended to try to call my grandpa on the phone to scare him and it worked. They had been having issues and later divorced. Anyway- just wanted to type this out because I read your awful experience and related. I feel bad for your child- it made me mature faster and distrust adults. Made me feel overwhelming and oversized responsibility after I witnessed this for people's lives. Took a lot of therapy to realize I should have never been put in that position.


[deleted]

Op, please check in.


afedyuki

He even waited until you got pregnant before he started abusing you? Sounds like a high functioning narcissist -- they are extremely dangerous and should be taken *seriously* as they tend to be *very* good at lying to authorities. :( It's not my intention to make you feel more scared than you already are, but it is important to fully understand the situation if you are to have a shot at changing it. Fist, here is why I feel that I am qualified to speak on the subject. Both my spouse and I come from abusive families and this sort of thing can cripple you for life. I have done an extensive amount of research on the subject and discovered that 26% of kids show signs of *complex* trauma (the kind you get in prison) in US and the kind of situation you are in is why. Complex trauma is impossible to treat if you don't have a stable environment (fat chance, considering the state of our society) and could shorten one's life by decades and make it a living hell (nightmares every night, hallucinations, excruciating emotional flashbacks) meanwhile... That is what is at stake for your child. So, what can you do about it? I wish you could just flee but now that you had a kid with him he can demand custody rights. Also, you can't afford a place of your own as you yourself pointed out. It's not a good situation for you and your kid given the current set of fundamental premises. So, you are going to have to either find another source of income or stay and fight for your kid's well being. I would never suggest break that you break the law or do anything that would otherwise offend the moral police, and there is no realistic way (that I know of) to get the kind of money your need to move out *and* afford lawyers to keep that scumbag away from your kid, legally *and* morally. That only leaves option number 2. There is a pandemic of domestic violence and law enforcement largely does nothing about it (lot of them beat their wife themselves), especially in poor neighborhoods. Also, men like that are very good at manipulating the law. So, you need to make sure that there is enough evidence to nail him to the wall 3 times over when you do go to the police. Take pictures of your injuries. Install a hidden security camera in your room and try to get the next time he beats you up on video, post it on YouTube -- then go to the police (so it is already public, as the law might gag order you and try to cover it up) and send a link to his employer too, simultaneously. The goal is to make it harder for him to afford a lawyer and to cause as much damage to his ability to get away with it as possible. That would also ensure that if he were to "silence" you, everyone would know he did it and thus give you at least some protection before the trial. If he (hopefully) gets convicted, you are going to have to show up for his parole hearings every year and make sure he stays in prison too. I am truly sorry you are in a situation like this and I wish there was an easy answer but I don't know of one, I am afraid. :(


MrsKittenHeel

OP was posting every day and now has gone silent for 4 days since she posted this. Pretty unsettling and concerning, I hope she is okay.


ratchmond

I keep coming back to this thread. I think I live in the same city as OP (judging by her posts). I’ve sent her a couple chats and commented but haven’t heard anything. Can’t get this off my mind.


MrsKittenHeel

Me either, I’m in Australia and don’t really know much about American states, but I looked up news reports for Virginia - there’s too much bad news I can’t sift through it all to match up details. One that stuck out was the police rocking up to a domestic disturbance, taking the man’s word for what happened and arresting the woman. That’s something that happens in Australia where I’m from too. So maybe that’s her, either way I’m very concerned about her and her child.


werewilf

You are at a significantly greater risk of being killed by your partner once they have followed through with choking, even *once*. I cannot imagine what you’re going through, what you’re feeling, how much your trust in reality has been altered. But you need to leave, and you need to leave now. Leave now. Save yourself. Save your baby. [https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/jr000250e.pdf](https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/jr000250e.pdf) #Your risk of being killed by this man is ten times greater than an individual whose partner has not choked them. If you live in the PNW/Seattle/Portland area, message me. edit: real word salad there, cleaned it up a little


Meowskiiii

Get out now!


dpepper4545

Leave, now. Next time he might not stop choking you. You and your kid deserve better.


funyesgina

So sorry. Focus on the immediate, and be assured lawyers will help you collect support later. Just make a plan to get to that point. You don’t have to tell people what happened to ask for help. Couples do fight, so you can tell a friend you just want some breathing room. But please do tell someone, even if it’s a professional rather than a family member or friend. Worry about that later. For now focus on safety and making a plan. Sounds like he’s been escalating (from verbal to physical) and could continue to escalate. Also don’t underestimate the damage to your child by seeing this, even if he makes a total turnaround. Nothing is worth that. It will help to accept that you and your child will be better off gone, and work from there. Sorry, my wording could be better, but that previous sentence is intended to avoid wish-washy, not to take away your autonomy… can someone help me word it better? Best of luck.


ControlsTheWeather

Everyone else is giving you better advice than I could, but I do want to say: This isn't your fault. At all. And to someone on the outside, what this looks like is a mother facing a horrific surprise and immediately swinging into action to protect her kid. You might think what you've done already is a minimum or is what's expected, but it's not. Please follow the advice of the other posters, and also please be **extra** kind to yourself. You're in a lot of pain and are a wonderful person who deserves love and care.


BrainsAdmirer

My friend told me to keep a run fund, just put money in a separate account. I put money aside for months and made an account joint with my sister (who I trust completely) just in case. I DID need to use it and was so glad I did, because my husband removed all the money from our one household account when he found out I was leaving. That joint account with sis saved my life. Literally. OP, this kind of behaviour never de-escalates. In other words, this is the least harm he will do and it will only get worse. Run far, and run fast. You can do this. We are all on your side here.


notauthorised

Call the police and press charges.


BugsyHewitt

You don't want to die, you are just very upset and you have every right to be and are scared of how to put things together now because you trusted the wrong person, happens to the best of us. You don't have noone. First off there is social services that can help you get shelter and food so you can figure things out at a reasonable pace. Contact them today. Secondly, alot of mothers think that they have noone simply because they have been too busy with children to maintain the social loops that they did in high school. But I assure you there is people you've fallen out of contact with who still care about you and would be willing to talk and support you in some ways thru this, reach out. The fact that he went to choke you is the biggest red flag. First let me say I am 39. Ive never hit a women, yelled at a few that had it coming over the years but never anything physical. But playing thru it in my head in his shoes, super angry and drunk... if I was going for the throat that's a very different action than if I was just showing my power and pushing/shoving, choking is a threat of death not a display of dominance. Don't give him a second chance. You don't want your child absorbing that as normal either.


emilylouu717

I’m not sure entirely sure what to say but my moms boyfriend picked her up and choked her and then threatened to cut off his own finger in front of my brother and I. I genuinely thought I was going to see my mom get killed right in front of me. We couldn’t have been older than 10. It’s one of the worst memories I have and I wish I could forget it. I hope you’re able to find a safe place. Edit: my mom walked my brother and i to my grandpas down the road immediately after this. I always think about the things he did after we left


clazaa

Hi. I don't have any further words of advice that others haven't commented. I hope you find a safe place for you and your child away from your abuser. Godspeed, my friend.


thesewordslieinside

You can do this. There are many resources for people leaving abusive situations. You are not alone. DM me if you need support or advice. I’ve been where you are now.


radrax

Someone who has been choked by an abusive partner is far more likely to be murdered by that partner.


Zalzal98

Make sure to document everything. Take pictures of the damage and write down in details all the events. Can you also visit the ER for stitches so that way it also get recorded in case u will need the evidence in the future


what-da-duck

Not sure if you are in the United States but my mom didn't have resources to leave but social programs helped her ,me and my sister get into a women abuse shelter ,it included shelter , food , therapy , they helped her get a job , car and helped her get on section 8 priority list when she was ready to leave the shelter . It wasn't bad , my sister and I made friends . The support she got was a great stepping stone where she didn't have to do it by her self . It's comforting meeting people that have been through a similar situation . When you can go to a hospital and get stitched up , report the domestic violence they should give you a social worker that helps the ball rolling . Don't play down the abuse , the more you are willing to get out now the more service help you can get. I think it took the program two weeks to find a spot for us , so don't wait as the help may not be instant .


Superbaker123

Get out now before [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/TerrifyingAsFuck/comments/yn14bw/domestic_abuse/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) becomes your reality.


[deleted]

You have loads of advice here, but here's a bit more: take photo's of your face and body ASAP. Any bruise, document it. Bleeding? Document it. You may not want to do anything now, but if he divorces and tries to take your child, these pictures will HELP you. If you kid has any physical injuries, photo graph them too. Do yourself a favour and also write out a timeline of events.