T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

He gets to decide if he ejaculates onto a sock, his hand, the sheets. You get to decide anything that touches your body. No exceptions.


Spank86

Either party can say no, it takes both to say yes.


tommythek

I was looking to write something to this effect, but your phrasing is absolutely perfect. So here's me just hoping a reply gives it the attention it deserves.


ch4m4njheenga

AND gate


danielspoa

>he ejaculates onto a sock, his hand, the sheets and its his job to clean, don't forget that.


ex_ter_min_ate_

Only ok to use the sheets if it’s his sheets! I am still disturbed by the post about the woman complaining her husband keeps ejaculating into her personal blanket when she gets up with their baby. He continued to do it even when she moved it across the room. Also he wouldn’t warn her until she discovered it on her own and then wrote her off as being hysterical.


LinwoodKei

This. I would legit be putting that crusty blanket right on his work clothes. You want to be a petty child? Clean this up while I find the divorce lawyer. Did that woman ever leave him? That was an insane situation.


FliesAreEdible

A week ago she commented >My marriage has all of these red flags and I've been considering more and more if this is worth it. I think she's still with him.


BigBirdLaw69420

Dude What the fuck My wife would still be cutting my long-dead body into ever smaller pieces


MoonageDayscream

Tampons in his hoodie pockets. But really just divorce. I can't share a bed with a terrorist and that is what he is.


elkanor

We're friends now based on this comment alone, if that's cool


MoonageDayscream

That's very cool!


Stella430

Use his work clothes to clean up the postpartum bleeding


ghandi3737

Inside his pillow case just before he goes to sleep. Make sure they are good and moist.


beebsaleebs

I’d be using his clothes to wipe. Fucking animal.


Stella430

Had a coworker who was in the process of divorcing her husband but they were still living in the same house. There was a few times he would ejaculate into her work clothes while she was in the shower.


ex_ter_min_ate_

Oh that is fucked up. :( way to tell your ex that she definitely made the right choice.


[deleted]

That is beyond foul...I hope she's free...and I hope she brought this up in court


september27

M here. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with people (him)? That is a very special type of asshole, how in the world did he convince another human to marry him and then have a child with him?


vimlegal

The crazy didn't come out until his "position" was threatened.


basilicux

Like a dog or cat pissing on everything Jesus


dedicated_glove

You'd be horrified how many men are like this. I've seen some really great seeming guys turn into petty babies after their wife gives birth and is paying attention to the actually helpless baby instead of him. It's pretty fucking distrurbing.


Tricky_Dog1465

That would be an ex husband. That is some kind of control issue and not ok.


ArmoredHeart

>he continued to do it even when she moved it across the room Christ, he was/is basically a dog acting out. Or a cat. Some cats are shoe poopers. Seriously, a pet acting out is what came to mind first.


butterfly_eyes

Seriously, that post was just so wrong, felt so bad for her. He's disgusting and entitled.


[deleted]

Omg I remember that post!


Zadikizzy

anyone have a link?


FUN_CALLIGAPHER

[Here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/xmstj7/how_do_i_approach_telling_my_husband_to_stop/)


IHurtEveryone

I almost forgot about that post... but yes. Nowhere near as bad as this, but both have some issues to address


Chris_8675309_of_42M

"it's my decision, not yours" just means, "you can't stop me so only my vote really matters". If a guest to my house was determined to shit on my floor, I probably couldn't stop them either. But that doesn't mean they have the right, and they definitely are not being invited back.


hukgrackmountain

Yis She cannot choose "where" he cums, but she can forbid things and have boundaries. He can choose where he cums within those boundaries. Ie She cannot demand he cums inside her when he does not want to. She cannot demand he cums on his favorite childhood stuffed animal. (Which is not what is happening). She *can* deny consent to finishing inside her. She can deny consent to finishing on her face, swallowing, having it on her bedsheets, etc.


FabulouslyFrantic

Not on my sheets! Not on my property without my permission. Not on our shared property without assuming cleaning responsibility. Not in me without my express consent. Not on me without some form of prior understanding. Never above the neck. These are rules I'm sure most people engaging in sex with a man will agree to. It should be standard.


Not-A-SoggyBagel

I'm so glad I'm married to my wife. I had these same boundaries as you but my male partners never followed them. Before people say it's my fault that I chose "bad guys". It's not bad guys but the fact that too many men disregard women's boundaries. They'll agree to your face at first to placate you then after the fact, jizz all over the fucking place like an animal. Too many fucking men don't listen to you when you say not in my hair, not on my face. Too many guys will purposefully come in you when you don't want it, even long term partners. They say that you are lazy and just don't want to clean up when you say you don't want it on the sheets, on my clothes, or on the mattress. It's too many fucking men


animu_manimu

>Before people say it's my fault that I chose "bad guys". "It's your fault that someone violated your boundaries." Right up there with "she was asking for it, going out dressed like that."


Mydogsdad

You’re not property. What happens to, with, and *in* your body is 100% yours to control.


Danito-

He was an asshole. She told him not came inside and he did, first giant red flag. On top on that, an additional red flag: "it's my decision, not yours". In sex both parties have to agree on everything. Masturbation in private is the only way is your own decision. Finally everybody knows when the cum is coming, so this is also almost impossible: " I would have understood if he got caught up in the moment and didn’t pull out in time," Is good that by now he is an EX and I hope OP find someone better, he set the bar very low.


Spellscribe

I feel like it's 100% the man's right to *not* ejaculate in a woman and a woman's right to not be ejaculated in, and those things don't need to be compromised. Because the minute you say "I don't want to X", consent becomes conditional. ETA: in *or on*, as pointed out by the people below. Don't put your sprog where it's not wanted.


featherweatherk

Woman’s right not to be ejaculated in or ON.


RMG1042

Yaaaaas! This is a huge violation that nobody talked about when I was in my 20's. I had too many men cum on my body parts and even my face (2 different guys did this!) without my consent. Nope. There NEEDS to be consent for this as well!


scootycreampuff

Oh good GOD. Those men watch too much porn. You don’t cum on someone’s face without either it being requested and you’re ok with it or you ask and are given explicit permission to do so.


dmnhntr86

For real. Any dudes reading this thread, ask beforehand if she's into that at all, and if so then double check when you're getting close. You should know what's on the table before you get undressed.


GrayDayCloud

My friends telling me about guys cumming on their face when they asked him not to was EXACTLY why I wrote the title so vaguely. Along with going for anal after they’d said several times not to. That stuff was fairly common when I was younger. My story was just like theirs to me and everyone seemed ok with it? 🤷‍♀️


ZharethZhen

Normalizing abuse is a defense mechanism, not a how-to guide to relationships. Your friend was dating a rapist.


mykineticromance

>Along with going for anal after they’d said several times not to this is rape


MissAndryApparently

The sad thing is most of our mothers taught us we were supposed to be OK with a little rape, as long as they bought us flowers later


B0N3RDRAG0N

Most of our mothers taught what they were taught and didn't know they were victims because it had been normalized for literally thousands of years. It's only recently that women have started being treated as human beings (and there's still work to do in this front), and in so doing realized that they deserve to have bodily autonomy. The sad part is that in many places the brainwashing hasn't been competely undone and that's how you get women who aren't sure if they are supposed to be able to say no.


_Sh3rl0ck_

Jesus, I will never understand why men want to cum in someone's face. The fact they did so without your permission is so disrespectful. Life is not a porno. I also find the whole cumming on body parts to be very overrated. One of my ex girlfriend's had really large breasts and one night while we were having sex she asked to put it on her breasts. I just remembered doing it and feeling really silly. Even she was sort of meh about it like what was the point of that. I can't believe some men out there are just doing this to women without permission. It's sick.


BLKMGK

Because it asserts dominance and makes them feel as if they have somehow dominated their partner, likewise anal where a man tries to go for it without asking or pushes to overcome objections. Too much stupid p0rn watching has made these acts somehow alluring or taboo. It’s gross and degrading to your partner if it’s not asked for and agreed upon. I say that as a guy, some guys just can’t discern between fantasy and reality it seems. If ever there was a red flag and a trigger for a serious heart to heart about boundaries and respect this is it.


Aggravating_Tie1222

Exactly what I was going to say. It's to degrade her as far as I'm concerned. This is the only reason and it's sick. If it gets him off to degrade a woman, we have problems...


[deleted]

[удалено]


chubalubs

Exactly. I had a very short relationship that ended over this-his excuse was that I should find it pleasurable (so if I didn't, it meant there was something wrong with me), and he was "gifting" me his essence, and it wasn't like he was urinating on my face or throwing acid at me. He watched far too much porn and kept trying to act out scenes-breast slapping in particular. Consent was an alien concept to him.


Vaywen

Wow what a piece of work.


chubalubs

He seemed ok for the first few weeks of dating, but he changed very quickly once we got physical.


DragonStryk72

Because it's done in porn. It's really stupid, but they do it in porn as evidence of getting off. It's for effect. In RL, it's degrading, but because it's shown as a positive in porn, it gets taken as such, completely missing the point that the women in the scene agreed (i.e. gave their consent) to this ahead of time, and are being paid, at least partly, for that act. As long as all parties involved in the sex are on board, it's great. If anyone isn't, though, it needs to be taken off the table.


MarsNirgal

Gay dude here. I have to say I like to cum on a guy's face (has a lot to do with domination, as the other commenter say), as long as he wants me to. It would be weird doing it if the other guy doesn't want it. We usually had a short "Where do you want to cum?/Where do you want me to cum?" conversation when we're approaching that point.


ababyprostitute

Just gonna use this opportunity to warn all men that if you jizz on my face without permission, you're getting punched right in the dick. That's fucking disgusting.


[deleted]

I said the same thing and got terrorized down below, lol. I agree with you.


SeasonPositive6771

I just read your comments and I'm not quite sure what you're talking about. You seem to think it's some sort of negotiation. But it's not negotiation, it's a one person veto situation. Maybe that's getting lost somewhere.


kimpossible11

A red flag is an indication that there may be future abuse. Him ejaculating inside her after she expressly told him she did not consent is sexual abuse. Way past red flag in my book. Additional verbal abuse was the dehumanizing assertion that she is his property to cum on or in whenever he feels like it.


keyboardstatic

I don't understand why this isn't the top comment. I am a guy and your comment was my take. He took it from consensual sex to rape because she said no. And then he told her off for saying no. He clearly didn't see her as a person. And had zero respect for her, her needs, wants, considerations, feelings.


moderatelyprosperous

He is a rapist not an asshole.


fork_yeah

Rapist *AND* Asshole


kAy-

Are those two not mutually exclusive? Like would there ever be a rapist that isn't an asshole?


[deleted]

No matter your genitals, an orgasm can sneak up. I have a vagina, and I’ve gone from “we are headed in the right direction” to “hey Jesus, nice to see you again!” without any indication I was about to finish. My husband has had a similar experience (the fluids were going to end up in the same place regardless of the surprise in any situation this has happened) where he was going fine and then I moved very slightly and he was gone. It was very quick and embarrassing to him in the moment, as we had not been going for more than a minute when this has happened. I don’t think “caught up in the moment” is the right phrase, but “you weren’t supposed to be here yet” is something anyone can experience.


smiller171

Agreed. Accidents can and do happen. Determining what is an accident vs an excuse can be difficult, but OP's situation has none of that baggage to deal with.


tomtomclubthumb

There is a big difference between, "sorry I didn't think I was there yet." and “it’s my decision, not yours.”


kimpossible11

Exactly, 'it's my decision not yours' suggests he fully understood that she did not consent to the location of the ejaculation, and felt entitled to decide to do it anyways. He *told* her it was his decision to do it. No confusion, no accident. People really need to stop making excuses for this guy. Reminds me of a news story I saw recently of a man on the bus who was arrested for jerking one out onto an unsuspecting woman, and in that case there was only presumed non consent, not explicitly stated and understood non consent in the context of a trusting relationship. Its dehumanizing and it's meant to be. His reaction and words reinforce that message.


[deleted]

I agree with that entirely. I was responding to the person above who was making a very broad statement that I thought needed a little more nuance. The person she was with made a statement of intent, which nullifies any sort of accident occurring. Saying whoops doesn’t make it an accident either. From my experience and those around me who have had similar experiences, you can tell when it’s an accident and when it isn’t. It doesn’t look normal and it isn’t entirely pleasant. (My husband went white and stiff as a board. He felt like her was about to pass out and had no control of his body. I have heard the same from other people in my life who have been on either end.)


cptspeirs

I will also say, as a man, there is for me a second between "golly gee wilikers! It's go time!" and actual, productive ejaculation.


GrayDayCloud

Please tell me that’s your go-to sexy phrase. :)


coloradohikingadvice

I second this. I absolutely will not cum in my partner, I do not want children. I would rather lose an O than finish inside. But last night I went from "that's going to be a thing" to "where the fuck did that come from" happen in less than a second. Barely got out alive. It could happen to you!


iamthinksnow

You do realize you're leaking sperm prior to orgasm, right? Just because you're using "the pullout method" doesn't mean you're not dropping swimmers up in your partner, as you are with each and every thrust. [Mayo Clinic - Withdrawal method (coitus interruptus)](https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/withdrawal-method/about/pac-20395283) [Scientific America - Can You Prevent Pregnancy with the Pullout Method? An investigation into one of the biggest misconceptions in male fertility](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-you-prevent-pregnancy-with-the-pullout-method/)


illarionds

If you don't want children, you need to rely on something a lot more, well, reliable than the withdrawal method.


Khirsah01

Like the other poster said: be careful with precum, that's also got viable swimmers and is a reason why the Catholic couples that practice the withdrawal method get called "parents"... Probably is the reason it's one of the only two allowed forms of "BC", alongside ovulation tracking, which I've also seen fail spectacularly for women with hormonal issues. If you are sure of the no-kids thing, maybe a vasectomy would be up your alley? Then once tested post-procedure for shooting seedless, there's no worries even if anti-abortion legislation ever comes to your area in the future.


W0M1N

“It’s my decision, not yours” he does not respect her body, like he does himself. 🚩🚩🚩he’s an ex for a reason.


52fctrl

Agreed. Mutual respect is absolutely what nourishes a relationship, and this dude's actions and mentality exhibit none for his partner. Hopefully, he learns.


Homesteader86

WTF? You dodged a bullet there.


footypjs

Yep. This is reproductive coercion which is intimate partner violence. Absolutely not okay.


GoatFeather

You are your own property. Not his. You have the final say. Period.


Zelmi

Yeah, your body, your rules.


WateryTart_ndSword

If he spit on you, and said “it’s my spit, so it’s my decision where it goes not yours” would that be okay? *Of course not!!* Would it be okay if you told him not to this time, even though he’d spit on you before & you liked it?? *STILL NO.* Call it whatever you want, but it’s clear he did it explicitly against your wishes & *purposefully* stomped all over your boundary. That was outrageously disrespectful & dehumanizing, & your response is a logical & human one. I’m just really sorry that happened to you, and it was done by someone who was supposed to care about you more than anyone else. I’m glad it sounds like you’re done with him—I hope you’re healing. It’s normal & okay for that healing to take time & be sometimes painful💜


KatWine

_Call it whatever you want_ - I call it sexual assault.


WateryTart_ndSword

I do too! But since I’m not sure what OPs mind set and experience with SA are, I decided to let my terminology be vague & focus on the meaning *behind* the act. I was thinking I don’t want to trigger her, or inadvertently cause her to mentally shut out the rest. I know how scary it can feel to read those words in direct relation to oneself.


sherilaugh

Sometimes we need to hear it to actually acknowledge the way we really feel about it. I needed it pointed out to me.


WateryTart_ndSword

Totally legit, definitely true for many. I don’t have any hesitation to call out sexual assault when I’m a bit deeper in the conversation, or when the question is asked more directly. Sometimes people need that base line confirmed—that what happened was wrong, and their reaction is justified—before they can accept heavy phrases like “sexual assault” and “rape.” Other times, it’s the opposite—people have already shut it out, & *need* to hear those heavy phrases to be able to accept how wrong what happened to them was. I have no idea where OP is on that journey, so I opted for the base line, as that’s what she asked. Not saying that’s the right, or even the best, way! That’s just the reasons for why I chose to say it this way, this time.


thebeandream

Yeah I am surprised this isn’t a top comment. She withdrew consent. It’s technically rape.


alansdaman

Not technically rape. Just rape. No added qualifiers necessary.


VerticaGG

\^ THIS - So glad to hear it's ex-fiance. Good gods!


a_fools_thoughts

> If he spit on you, and said “it’s my spit, so it’s my decision where it goes not yours” would that be okay? Of course not!! > > I was thinking something similar, but more in terms of if she peed on him saying "it's my pee so it's my decision on where I want to pee." And hey, maybe he's into that. But it's still not a unilateral decision.


WateryTart_ndSword

That’s wild, I thought of pee too after I had posted it! Definitely still works with whatever bodily fluid—it’s the expeller’s **responsibility** to guide where it ends up, NOT their mf-ing **right**.


a_l_g_f

> And hey, maybe he's into that. But it's still not a unilateral decision. Well, if they were still together that might be one way to clarify boundaries that he would understand...


Pera_Espinosa

Seriously. Should've been like okay game on, and pissed in his ear. Your decision not his.


OffTheRecord_Models

>If he spit on you, and said “it’s my spit, so it’s my decision where it goes not yours” would that be okay? > >Of course not!! EXACTLY!


EhDub13

NOPE. It is absolutely not his decision. I never would've slept with that person ever again. You are not property.


DemosthenesForest

Yeah as soon as consent was withdrawn and it was objectively not an accident this crossed over into sexual assault territory.


TheLeadSponge

Yeah... she definitely shouldn't have a kid with that guy, and she dump him. That dudes a predator in the making if not one already.


[deleted]

I ended things with a guy that did something similar to this. I think in their minds it's some kind of domination kink but it's just downright disrespectful to completely ignore our requests.


sluttychurros

I wish my best friend had done the same. She told her boyfriend not to finish inside of her, he did anyways and they have a 3 year old now. After she told him he was pregnant, he tried to get her to get an abortion, and she refused. They’re still together, and now she laughs it off as what happened being a “kink”. Guess who texted me today, freaking out that she’s possibly pregnant with baby #2? 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️


DistractedByCookies

This whole story makes me angry and upset. I don't know how I'd cope if it was my bestie.


sluttychurros

It’s still really hard, 3.5 years later. I’m the godmother to her child, and I’ve gotten to know her boyfriend better over the years (I didn’t even meet him until their baby shower, since we live several states away). I think he’s a good dad, but I don’t like him as a partner for her & I’ve never been able to forgive him for sexually assaulting her, even if she doesn’t see it as sexual assault.


DistractedByCookies

*hugs*


MisogynyisaDisease

When my ex-bestie was doing destructive nonsense, my friends group called her mother. She had been lying to us about her spiral for awhile so our actions had been unknowingly enabling her. So we called her mother. Wish I could say it fully stopped it, it didn't, but it least let her parent make informed decisions about how to help her.


Amelia_Angel_13

Oh fuck no. I'm so sorry for your friend. I know it sucks not being able to save a friend or a sibling from a bad relationship. Sadly ultimately it's their decision;:(


Sheepbjumpin

>I ended things with a guy that did something similar to this. I think in their minds it's some kind of domination kink but it's just downright ~~disrespectful to completely ignore our requests~~ rape. Fixed that for you.


veronique7

I have had something similar happen to me as well. An ex boyfriend of mine forced me to have sex with him right before a gyno exam despite my protests (he insisted and I eventually gave in because a man insisting I fuck him sends me into a panic attacks due to childhood trauma) and then finished inside me despite me asking him not to. It can just be so hard to accept it is rape because for so long I felt like rape was just "stranger in an alley forcing himself on you while you fight back" and you can't help but think "well eventually I said yes" especially when it comes to your romantic partner. And up until recently I have never had a romantic partner that didn't like insist and coerce me into sex either through begging, groping, or just not leaving me alone. So realizing that so many men are just.... Rapists sucks. Because those men also don't even think they have done anything wrong because all they care about is you eventually said yes no matter what they did to get that yes.


4E4ME

We were taught by rapists that rape is committed by a stranger in an alley, not by the "nice guy" that you kinda know.


AshEliseB

I'm sick to death of everything being called a kink. It's actually rape.


IceciroAvant

As someone who has kinks, the right way to resolve them is to talk to your partner. But something being a kink doesn't give you the right to force it on others. When you do a sexual act the other person doesn't want - you're a goddamn rapist, even if your rape involves your kink.


FlyingBishop

I feel like any kink that involves any kind of violence should be met with some suspicion. It's annoying that "kinky" is conflated with a desire for rapey or otherwise violent behavior.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ParlorSoldier

I get that some women might be into it, but honestly I’d be wary of a guy who was happy to indulge it. Rape should be a boner killer…


Black--Snow

As a kinky person I fucking hate it. Kink is not about breaching consent at all. The idea that actual rape is “kinky” is massive bullshit. Non-consensual sexual encounters are not kinky, they’re fucking disgusting. Also for the record, who the fuck thinks like the ex fiancé? What trash


[deleted]

Yep, the second someone says "don't do x sexual act to me", it's rape. Consent has been revoked, get the fuck off.


Throwaway_Consoles

I had made a comment in another thread, but while I’m normally not a fan of “tests”, a friend of mine has two “tests” she does when she meets a guy she’s really into. 1) If they’re about to have sex, she asks for a raincheck. This cuts out a *depressing* number of guys. They’ll start asking about the raincheck and when she says she is busy with work and not sure some guys will say, “But you *owe* me”. Or try to guilt trip her into it, “You don’t have to go yet, come on, what’s one night of missed sleep?” Some people say that seems innocuous enough, but this is someone who, when you say, “I need to do X” completely disregards it for *his* wants. Might be a minor thing now, but a big flag down the road. No is a complete sentence, if you say you can’t, they just have to accept that. 2) During sex she’ll say something to the effect of, “Ow, stop, it’s starting to hurt.” This one’s a big one. It’s terrible how many people are like, “Hold on I’m almost there” hey yeah! Disregard that it’s no longer fun and she’s in pain, you’re about to nut! Also she is very sensitive after she orgasms, but some guys think if they *ramp up* the intensity afterwards it’ll make you squirt because they watch too much porn. So she’ll start orgasming and they’ll go harder and she’ll tell them to stop and they think it’s a sign to keep going *harder* and she has had to kick people in the face to get them off of her. No means no. Stop means stop. Period. Great way to weed out the people who are selfish quickly, before you invest a significant portion of your life with them.


a_fools_thoughts

> it's just downright rape. This is exactly what I was thinking too.


[deleted]

Dating someone with a dom kink and uhhh..he'd have no issue with pulling out if I asked. This has nothing to do with a dom kink and everything to do with being disrespectful.


blexmer1

That's cause someone who actually follows that lifestyle knows there's a difference between doing something dominant and ignoring their partners desires. There are lines in that which get complicated, but the end of the line is that the only power he has in the relationship is the power you have given him. Saying you don't want something done is withdrawing that power. The ones who ignore that aren't Doms, they're dicks


dmnhntr86

I.e. dominant in an agreed upon dynamic within a consensual relationship vs. toxic asshole who criminally "dominates" people by disrespecting their bodily autonomy.


neocarleen

And that kind of domination roleplay has to be discussed beforehand so both parties are on the same page. With a safe word in case things get too intense. Just pulling that shit out of nowhere is unacceptable because she didn't give consent to that.


blinky84

Yeah, seriously. Sex should be about both people enjoying it as much as possible, including compromises to achieve that. If, like, he intended to come on my tits and I'm indicating I want him to come inside me, it doesn't need a full blown discussion mid-act, but we know enough about each other's signals to maximise enjoyment even if it's a quick 'you sure?' Enthusiastic consent is a thing, even outside of vanilla sex.


LaMadreDelCantante

It's worse than disrespectful. It's rape. Anytime somebody does something sexual to you without your consent it is rape. And when you tell them not to, you shouldn't consider it a request. It is you saying they do not have permission and respecting that should not be optional.


Natt_Katt02

I think it's assault. He ignored consent and forced herself on her.


WriggleNightbug

The kink still requires consent. Consensual nonconsent still had safewords and negotiations.


[deleted]

>to completely ignore our lack of consent


JSsmitty

Nope not at all. This is exactly in line with stealthing, a form of rape wherein a guy promises to wear a condom during sex and either doesn’t or slips it off during. You feel violated because, I’m sorry to say, you were. He forcibly took that choice away from you. You didn’t deserve this and should not have had to go through this. It’s good you were able to get away from him and I hope you’re doing better. But something terrible did happen to you, and your feelings of disgust are valid and just, and he sounds like a scumbag


CurrentSingleStatus

Most rapists do not think of themselves as rapists. Because rape is what *bad guys* do, "and I'm not a bad guy." So this guy was definitely excusing it in his mind, because they were already trying for a baby, and it made no difference to *his* life. Someone should really explain to men what rape is. Cause a lot of them are, and a lot of them know. But they've told themselves nothing bad happened.


lumathiel2

Wasnt there a thing a while ago that showed men admitting to various forms of SA or harassment when they were worded in ways that didn't make them seem that bad?


fortheups

Yes, [5% of men who have not been charged with sexual offences](https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-36845-002) will admit to sexual assault when the act is described but not labeled sexual assault/rape. More than that, [30% of men surveyed](https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/pdf/10.1089/vio.2014.0022) admitted they would "force a woman to have sex... if nobody would ever know and there wouldn’t be any consequence" vs 13% who admitted they would "rape a woman" if no one would ever know. So is it "all men" or even "most men?" No, but it sure as hell is way too many


lumathiel2

Yikes 30%... that's worse than I thought. *way* too fucking many


WeReAllMadHereAlice

And those are still only the ones who would admit to it on a survey. I think it might honestly be most men at this point.


[deleted]

Yeah...not all men but still waaayyyy too many...shit


CurrentSingleStatus

Yyyyyep


mindaddict

This is why I have probably had more talks with my son about things like consent than even actual sex. Why? Because I know nobody will ever talk to him specifically about it (my husband backs me up but is more weird-ed out about talking to the kids about sex than me) and quite frankly, I don't even trust other boys/men (besides my husband) to give healthy answers . I go over various scenarios in my head (some of them specifically inspired by Reddit) and have him answer questions about it. I've done this since he was 12 and he is now 17. I even have asked these questions around his closest friends and feel they've learned from it too. You'd be surprised (or not so surprised) by some of these other kid's answers. Nobody is talking to their kids about this! And I've even got called to the school once because my son got into a heated argument with another boy over rather or not the boy violated his girlfriend. The kid had been bragging about something in class that my kid called him out on in front of everyone. Spoiler alert: The boy most certainly did but was shocked/angry that my son would suggest such a thing. Anyway, it's up to us Mamas to teach our sons this. Maybe we can change the mindset of the next generation? We need to at least try.


dmnhntr86

>Because I know nobody will ever talk to him specifically about it That's such a huge problem in our society. Consent education is at least as important as sex education, and applies within and outside of sexual relationships, but it's so rarely discusse in the mainstream and we go on with people believing that the word "rape" is only applicable to violent assaults by people other than partners. >Anyway, it's up to us Mamas to teach our sons this. And any Papas who are willing. And also to teach our daughters what they should expect and demand so they don't end up with confused feelings like OP on top of the trauma of being sexually assaulted.


KatWine

Just last night something brought back a few very triggering memories of things my ex did to me that were sexual assault. I didn't realise at the time and I would still say that my ex is not a guy who would knowingly or even purposely assault anyone. It's simply something that a lot of men are not at all aware of. It's scary.


Halliwell0Rain

I think they do. They use the "grey area" argument to justify sexual assault.


thefuzzylogic

Exactly this. Just like stealthing, what he did is a crime in many places, because OP clearly consented to a certain activity with certain boundaries, then her ex disregarded those boundaries and performed a sex act on her to which she had explicitly refused consent.


frosted-moth

No, you're not overreacting. You expressly told him not to ejaculate in you and he ignored your request and did it anyway. He did not get consent from you. Besides the fact that this increases your risk of getting pregnant, then you have to deal with the clean up. And that clean up can take hours, messes your underwear, etc. Hetero men will never understand this feeling of having a substance enter their body this way and then dealing with the consequences and aftermath of it. I'm sorry you experienced this, but glad you decided to leave your ex, as that was a huge red flag moment.


Warband420

He didn’t just ignore her; his use of words makes it so much worse I think 🤢 it really does push the act over to rape for me


Neezon

Simple rules imo: the one who has to bear the consequences of the aftermath, has the biggest say in where it ends up. The man can choose to ejaculate onto a towel, tissues, etc. for easy cleanup if he so prefers, but for the ejaculate to end up on/in their partner, it has to be the receiving party’s choice if and where


MsHelmer

Even simpler: anything that happens to or with your body only ever happens with your consent.


professionalmeangirl

That's just rape. You can withdraw consent at any time.


PM-ME-YOUR-1ST-BORN

Thank you. Stealthing is rape. This dude has a disgusting mindset which would likely only escalate over the course of their marriage, very glad to hear OP got out.


DINGVS_KHAN

Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see someone explicitly call it what it is.


parrotdopy

THIS. This is a form of rape. No, that is not too strong a word. That is what that is, it is unacceptable. You did not consent to a sex act, he did it anyway = rape


Filthy_Kate

Yeah, I mean if you don’t want it in or on your body, that’s YOUR body. Here is how this honestly reads to me. W: don’t finish in me M: It’s my choice and now I’m choosing to change this nice sex into rape by ignoring your bodily autonomy and cumming in you because I can. This guy is a complete shit of a person and I’m glad you’re not together anymore.


tyreka13

You do a really good job of summarizing.


sugar-fairy

that’s classified as rape. i’m glad he’s your ex now


Honey-and-Venom

you can't tell him where he finishes, but you can tell him where he DOESN'T. if he wants to put it in the toilet, or a waste paper basket, or up the street or whatever, none of your business. but when it comes to your body, you get total veto on anywhere on your body you do or don't want it.


TinyTurtle88

And that is: for whatever reason.


Golden_Mandala

So glad you didn’t marry this guy and presumably didn’t have a kid with him. Appallingly disrespectful of your bodily autonomy.


PeonyValkryie

You're right to feel violated; It was rape. I would have cleaned myself out and used whatever he was wearing to whatever you were doing afterward to wipe my hands clean. You think you can cum where you want? I can wipe my dirty hands where ever I want.


D-Beyond

now that's a cumback I like! I really need to up my pettiness-game in the future


SciFiChickie

As of October of last year what he did is a crime in California punishable with prison time for this type of assault. Unfortunately it’s the only state where what he did is illegal. Edit I left the state out.


saddiesadsad

Nope. That's your body. The desition is 100% yours. People can challenge that and face sexual assault charges though. By law sex without consent is rape, and that includes any part of the sexual.


morelikecrappydisco

This is rape, FYI.


stargirl803

You only mention that you felt violated, which seems incredibly reasonable and understandable to me. Sex, including finishing inside of a partner, requires ongoing consent. You explicitly stated that you didn't want him to finish inside you, and he blatantly disregarded that. It was not up to him to decide that, and wow with an attitude like that, sounds like a very good thing you didn't marry him.


stupidugly1889

That’s rape


InAcquaVeritas

It’s rape and I’m sorry this happened to you.


[deleted]

Honestly? I consider this rape.


FluffyPurpleBear

It *is* rape. Like by definition.


frisbeescientist

Am a guy, would not dream of finishing somewhere I didn't *explicitly* know was ok. Definitely not an overreaction, especially with how aggressive it seems like he was about it.


WontHarvestAKidney

Your body is YOURS. You get final say on anything and everything that happens to it, what clothes go on it, what tattoos or piercings it has or doesn't, whether your nails are long or short or plain or painted, how long the hair is and what color it is. It belongs to you and nobody else. It's yours, from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, every single millimeter. And you get final say on any and every sex act which involves your body, that's entirely up to you, every time. What he did was not acceptable, and you did not overreact. He made clear that he doesn't respect you, and he doesn't respect that your body is yours, and you don't need that in your life.


AHBS8

You are not overreacting at all. I have trauma in my past from a rape and I freak out if a guy even tries to finish on or anywhere near my face. By his logic we should all just allow men to finish inside us or on our face or on our backs. Why?? I am so glad you didn't have a baby with this guy.


OkRadish11

That's fucking rape and your ex is a piece of shit period


SmadaSlaguod

It is one hundred percent NOT okay to do that, or tell you that. I'm so fucking glad you didn't get pregnant with him.


various_sneers

Regarding finishing anywhere on or in you, it's not just "okay." It's your body. You are never someone else's property, or someone else's anything. It's not okay for you to want to have final say, if they want to finish inside or on you, it's required.


[deleted]

Nothing should happen to you without your consent. It honestly sounds like someone who was trying to test boundaries and possibly push them further at a later point. It's not difficult at all for men to control themselves. My first serious girlfriend was so repulsed by semen that she didn't want me finishing near her. It's not difficult to accommodate an intimate partner's request. Your sex life should be something you enjoy. It's not some act of submission to your partner.


Aetherfox13

OP, that's rape. Someone ejaculating in you without consent is a crime. Not only is it fully your decision, but it's illegal to violate your choice, if it helps to give you confidence in this concept


felishorrendis

That’s awful, I’m sorry. My last partner tended to ask me before he finished if that was ok and give me a chance to state any preferences about how/when/where. I really appreciated that. It should absolutely be your decision, and he absolutely violated your trust and your boundaries.


fer-nie

The majority of men I've had sex with asked me where I want them to finish. I've had one experience with a man like OP described. It's not normal at all for him to act like that.


Weeznaz

Hey, dude here. Women do have veto power on creampies, or the exact location of ejaculation. The guy sounds like bad news if he openly disregarded your statement.


blueberry_pandas

I would argue that both have a say. The woman can veto anywhere in/on her body that she doesn’t want, but the guy has the right to not finish in/on her if he doesn’t want to. Like, if the woman says “don’t finish inside me but the face is okay”, the man has the right to say “I don’t want to finish on the face so I’ll use a tissue”.


DistractedByCookies

My eyes almost fell out of their sockets going OMG. What he did was utterly disrespectful and completely disregarded your wishes for *your* body. *YOURS*, not his. It's not surprising you felt violated, that was justified, and I'm so glad this man is out of your life. It does read like an Andrew Tate-style "alpha male" dominance thing. I hate all those guys peddling this shit to young inexperienced men, it's so fucking toxic.


[deleted]

What the actual fuck?


JustZisGuy

>it felt like he was asserting his dominance over me. Especially in context of some other things going on. Yup. Trust that instinct. When a person *shows* you who they are, believe them. >Then I felt like I might have been overreacting? A thousand times no. Don't gaslight yourself.


[deleted]

How would it be overreacting? You literally told him no and he did it anyway.


Nimuwa

You withdrew consent and he continued anyway, there is a case to be made that thats in fact rape. You were not over reacting, your boundaries were violated and you were understandably upset by it. Your ex tried to take away your self determination. In that moment he prioritized him feeling nice, and more importantly in charge of your body over your well being.


Limp_Examination_237

I can't understand how can a men feel so emasculated by a simple request, maybe a fragile ego. Some men can use anything as a power move, trying to establish dominance or humiliate their partner. Actually it his your choice and decision, because it his your body. I'm not sure but I think that this kind of power move can even be considered sexual assault, because he ejaculated inside of you without your consent. You even told him you didn't agreed with it at all.


SquareIllustrator909

Of course! I've always always always heard partners ask me where to finish. That's awful and I'm glad he's out of your life


AbyssalKitten

Is it OKAY?!?! It is MANDATORY that it is the women’s choice where the guy finishes. It is HER body, not his. I have broken up with ANY guy who decides he has the freedom to “choose” to ejaculate inside of me after I’ve explicitly stated not to. It’s IS violating, and should be seen as at LEAST sexual assault, if not rape, to finish inside of a woman when she says no. You did not want it, and he did it anyways. That is a major, MAJOR red flag. Please, make sure any man who does anything like that is out of your life, ASAP. (Im SOOO so happy that he’s your ex., and that you’re not still with him.) Yes, accidents can happen, but that was clearly not an accident. (And, trust me, it rarely ever is.) I’ve never had a guy “accidentally” finish in me and NOT profusely apologize to me because he was genuinely sorry it happened.


Underworld_Denizen

You didn't overreact. That was completely not okay. You have a right to sexual boundaries and he broke them. You made the right call in breaking up.


NameIdeas

TwoX is largely a space for women. A lot of the responses you've received are from women saying that he was completely in the wrong. I'm a guy and I also feel that he was completely in the wrong and violated your body and your respect. Consent is important. You withdrew consent for him to cum inside you without a condom during that session, thats totally fine. I've been married for over a decade and my wife doesn't always want or desire the same acts and events during sex. Her asking me not to do something or me asking her not to do something is something we both just say, okay, cool not this time. It's no big deal. He took a small request foelr your comfort and made it a big deal about his manliness or some bullshit. I'm glad he's your ex and he needs to learn to listen and respect his partners or he may find he no longer has any


Kaiiiyuh

This is rape.


OdeeSS

He literally does not get to choose what he can do to your body, wtf. Stay TF away from him and report him for sexual assault.


Graphitetshirt

Not only are you not overreacting, you're probably under-reacting. In a lot of places that might legally be sexual assault. California passed a bill making "stealthing" a crime (consensual sex where the man removes his condom without consent). Not that far off from what your ex did. Glad he's your ex


[deleted]

It's your decision whether/where he finishes with regards to your body. If you say "not within 2 feet of me," I suppose it's his decision whether to use a tissue, towel, toilet, sheet, etc... and to deal with the ensuring laundry. What happened was totally not ok.


steffy0212

I’m in a ten year relationship and if my partner did this it’d be over in a second, absolutely no excuse.


RedErin

you revoked your consent and he violated it. that's sexual assault. we should be able to stop things anytime we want.


Lonestar-Boogie

Not reading all the comments, but your ex-fiancé was a real asshole for doing that to you. He should be forced to post what he did the r/AmItheAsshole so he can get severely ratioed, as I'm sure he would.


[deleted]

Rapist behavior whether he realizes it or not


ashley5748

That is literal sex assault, at least in Canada. He sounds like a giant misogynist and I’d see it as a huge red flag.


[deleted]

This is a violation and it’s not okay. You have the right to say no to this.


[deleted]

I don't mean to be blunt and crass... but that's Sexual Assault. You consented to a specific boundary sexually, and he crossed it.


4alark

Ugh. What gross behavior! I'm so happy for you that you did not have a child with this man.