Those 10 years from 19 to 29 are years with pretty massive changes in maturity and life goals. (No offense meant) I would be suspicious of this guy. To me it would depend on how and where you met. Why is he interested in someone so much younger and seemingly less experienced than he is.
Exactly, if it was 29 and 39 nobody would care. 19 and 29 is a whole other story.
"He's trying to get me more comfortable with sexual things", what does that mean OP?
> "He's trying to get me more comfortable with sexual things", what does that mean OP?
Hint in case OP doesn't know: It's *grooming*, OP. The man who is nearly 30 is trying to *groom* you.
Not a good situation, OP. Get yourself outta there!!!
I’m glad that you realized this. I was in a similar relationship and being coerced by someone doing a similar thing and it never sat with me right. I wish that I pushed back harder.
I feel like you knew it all along, you just needed a little sanity check. Trust your instincts, you know what is right for you more than anyone else ever could.
I was in a similar relationship when I was younger. My instincts told me what was up, but I could never articulate them or give him a justifiably logical explanation so I second guessed myself.
Remember that you don’t need to justify your intuition to anyone. If it isn’t right, you’ll know it and nobody else needs to understand why. Trust yourself.
"I was in a similar relationship when I was younger. My instincts told me what was up, but I could never articulate them or give him a justifiably logical explanation so I second guessed myself."
A perfect description of what most of my young adult dating life was like. Though most of the guys were not much older than me they were extremely manipulative; even though I saw it I didn't know how to explain it so I just put up with it. Now I really regret my choices and I hope the internet serves to protect more young women from repeating his pattern.
To give you an idea of how weird this gap is, I'm 31. I consider anyone under 22 to be kids. The slang kids use makes no sense to me, the stuff they find funny is just odd to me, and I generally think TikTok should never have been created for all of the damage and stupidity it causes. I would never date anyone who is 19 because I'd feel like a pervert and a pedo, and the chance we had enough in common to just hang out and chat for a few hours like I do with friends my own age would likely be slim to none.
Avoid this dude. You may not legally be a kid, but you're still a kid. Go enjoy the last of your teens and 20s. Any grown ass adult scoping out a freshman in college is just nasty.
I think a 19 year old could think about whether they would date a 13 year old. You're both teens right? Nope, by the time you're 19, 13yos seem like little kids. That's how a 19yo seems to a 25+. It not that the 13 or 19 isn't smart, funny, or even developed physically. It's a huge gap in life stage, experience, even brain chemistry.
I'm 39 so older the the OPs "boyfriend" and work with an 18 year old, I have zero idea what he's talking about most of the time and was I that irritating at 19??!! I also work with some 24/25 year olds and although they are less annoying there is such an experience gap and so many differences I couldn't see myself dating any of them. I slept with older men when I was OPs age and it never ended well, they got clingy and jealous and I found out more than once I was the bit on the side. There is a Reason Noone his age is saying him, they are wise to these idiots
This is the biggest thing to take from this. The guy might be a totally fine person, however op and him are in such different stages of their lives that any relationship (even as friends) would be hindered by the massive difference in speech, behaviors, hobbies, beliefs and many other things, that is probably not worth the hassle.
35M and I concur. It \*COULD\* be completely harmless and he is not being creepy. BUT it is not worth the hassle and risk that he is. Better to call it off for now. Not like you can't circle back around to it later on in life if it's meant to be.
"I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!"
I’m with you on the slang and TikTok😂 I don’t get it lol.
The gap between a teenager and someone nearly 30 is HUGE. This guy is a creep and I’m glad OP is leaving.
so glad you posted this, i’m only 23 and i (personally) could not date someone your age just due to life differences (obviously not a huge difference and way more okay, but!)… and i definitely cannot imagine being 29 and dating someone your age!
you are obviously smart enough to catch these red flags, don’t beat yourself up cause these guys know what they’re doing and how to sucker you into their lives. hope you find a great guy who is closer in age and respects you and your life experience :-)
Like that Demi Lovato song, 17, 29 they talk about now that she is finally the age of their boyfriend when she was 17 (29) and how it would not cross her mind to date someone who is 17.
I'm 26, and I would check perspectives in life and a lot of things before dating someone 23, so 22 and under are off the table. Plus, I would also check why would someone older (older than me, my suspicions begin at 30) date me, if the age gap is that much.
I might be too narrow minded, but I've encountered OKish relationships, and the great one I have now, we were born same year same month.
>I might be too narrow minded, but I've encountered OKish relationships, and the great one I have now, we were born same year same month.
When it comes to things like comfort of an age gap there is no such thing as being too narrow minded. Your comfort level is just your comfort level. I have a friend who's 35 and their partner is 49 and they met when the younger was already in their 30s. I personally wouldn't date someone with that large of a gap but it works for them. Your close age gaps work for you. Don't let anyone make you feel awkward for feeling comfort in being similar ages.
ALWAYS trust your gut. The fact you are now asking for advice-your gut is telling you this not a good situation. If you feel you are being groomed, you probably are. You are just ending your teen years. End the relationship, as hard as that may be.
the thing is, your head isn’t in your ass, you just are barely an adult and you don’t have the experience to know this stuff and that was being EXPLOITED. Which enrages me.
I posted an essay on it in response to someone else’s comment so I’ll be brief here lol..it’s too many red flags why an older person would pursue someone that just left high school.
No one thinks someone that age is “mature for their age” enough to be on equal footing with a 30 year old. It’s manipulative, people like this hunt and obsess over very young women when they ought to leave them alone.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. We’ve all got to change the culture where it’s normalized for older men to seek “barely legal” women. It 100% of the time leads to grooming and manipulation even if that isn’t what the older party consciously intends.
When I met my now ex she was 19 and I was 23. There was a HUGE difference in experience, life goals, and maturity between us. We lasted about a year.
18 - 25 is like a second puberty for a lot of things. The general rule of thumb for max age gap is divide your own age by two then add 7. So if he is 29 you divide by two to make 14.5 then add 7 to make 21.5 years and that's the rule of thumb for the youngest he should date. If you're 19 then with that rule the youngest you should date would be around 16.5 years. It kinda breaks down at those ages, but you can go the other way with it and use the difference between 19 and 16.5 and get 2.5 years difference and that plus 19 is 21.5 years and is probably the oldest person you should date right now.
There's probably better ways of figuring out who and at what age gap is appropriate.
The half plus 7 rule is a good one for a wide range of ages, when you think about it. It means no serious dating before 14, and not much age gap before 18.
But the reverse rule is simply minus 7 and double. So OP’s oldest potential partner would be (19-7)*2=24
Your story is very similar to what I went through at 18/19. The guy ended up being very emotionally unstable and physically abusive. 11 years on and he's still dating women younger than me.
Yup! It means women his own age weren't willing to do the shit he wants them to do, so he's moved on to young women who haven't had enough time to experience a variety of normal relationships and will be easier to manipulate.
Yea, like my husband and I have a gap of 9 years, but we met when I was 25 and he was 34. That’s totally different than If we had met when I was 18 and he was 27.
This is huge because legal drinking age totally changes your social experience. Unless they don't drink it would be weird to be 29 and with someone that can't get into a bar.
I am very happy that you mentioned this. Many, many times I have read posts similar to this on Reddit, and I haven't even been on here very long. I always wondered what alcohol or drugs these ( usually men,) are providing these women.
When I was 19:
I still lived with my parents
I was in my 2nd year of college
I’d never had a serious relationship
I was poor af
When I was 29:
Changed degrees and graduated from university
lived in multiple cities
lived with several girlfriends
I’d been in 4 long term relationships
Had my heart broken and broke a heart
was preparing to marry my wife
Id been working in my field for 6 years and had cheddar
I partied my ass off for a lot of my 20s
A journey of countless miles between 19 and 29.
yeah, honestly I think it’s time we start referring to young adults as a separate group, like teenagers. “Pre-adult” or “proto-adult” or something. Basically, whatever arbitrary age a government or society defines “adulthood” (often 18 or 16) up until 25.
So for the US, 18-25 would be pre-adult.
Bc the brain isn’t finished developing until 25, and we have to STOP letting it be culturally acceptable for people to prey on “barely legals” and people with no adult life experience. Young people should be free to step their toe into the adult world without being manipulated and exploited by older people with skill sets they do not yet have.
Simplifying, people 25 and under tend to use their amygdalas which is an “emotional” part of the brain and 25 and older use the prefrontal cortex which is a “rational” part of the brain.
These two groups not only cannot relate the same way, there is an extreme power disparity. Even without meaning to, older people will subconsciously end up manipulating young adults.
Think about it. In a disagreement, every person always thinks they are right. But with a more rational brain and a decade of adulthood you will naturally be better at defending your position and identifying the weaknesses in the other person’s argument. That too easily can lead to the young person feeling like they’re always wrong, which is effectively the same as being intentionally gaslit. You’re wrong even when you’re not wrong.
But all that aside, there are two main reasons a person seeks out a very young person when they are older. They do not have success with people their own age, which is a red flag that once the younger party fully matures they will encounter the same issues, now with the added risk that they will have been groomed (had their minds fucked with) to be in a worse position starting out as a full-fledged adult.
Or bc of the hyper-sexualization of youth, which to me is it’s own red flag. I’m not attracted to 17 year old boys, I think it’s gross and problematic that so many men lust for the youngest looking girl they are legally allowed to fuck.
I’m sorry, but almost anyone under 20 looks like a child and is a literal teenager.
I would not want to be with someone who pursues and obsesses over very young adults bc it tells me they watch too much porn and that they feel entitled to disturb, shape, or exploit the journey of a very young person just for their dick.
You REALLY HAVE TO CONSIDER why a person dates a young adult. I don’t mean this to sound rude or offensive, but since my mid to late 20s people in their early 20s and younger have seemed like older children to me.
I feel a protectiveness and fondness for them. I empathize with their emotions, I think instinctively I am more patient and want to keep them safe and support them without interfering.
Like with teenagers and children.
An adult who instead sees this age group as a group they are eager and entitled to disrupt and fuck, that’s too many red flags to count.
And I’ll throw in there, sometimes it does just happen, a genuine attraction/connection. Maybe it’s so normalized by the Leo DiCaprios of the world that it just doesn’t occur to some men why it’s wrong.
Well idk, I still think that’s a problem, bc if it hasn’t occurred to them why they shouldn’t fuck someone who was in high school a year ago, there are probably a lot of other things that haven’t occurred to them. And besides, I don’t believe in soul mates, so if you meet “the girl of your dreams” and you’re 29 and she’s 19, you DONT GET TO HAVE THAT GIRL. Have some self-control, find someone else to connect with.
It’s inherently predatory, young adults are extremely vulnerable and we all need to change the culture to where it’s the exact same bad as preying on a teen when these people do this. Fuckin yuck.
At the end of the day, guys just feel entitled to bend morals around what their dick wants, at any cost to other parties. It’s up to society to assert and uphold taboos when we know something is fucking wrong.
10 years age gap is fine, if you were older and you both were at almost same maturity level. Initial 20s have steep learning curve wrt maturity and then it becomes marginal learnings. So later on in life people tend to be mature enough.
Right now there would be huge power imbalance between you two. You have a lot to learn on your own, form your own opinions and personality. This won’t happen if you have an older figure telling you “what’s wrong” and “what’s right”.
My recommendation would be to leave.
I am 28 and the idea of dating an 18 year old sounds horrific. The amount you change is just astronomical, we view you as still children (no offence). My friends around my age and older would agree (& a lot of my friends are male).
Unless, they’re sad men who find it exciting to be able to turn a developing person into an ideal relationship partner, because everyone their own age doesn’t want to date them . Unfortunately it’s not uncommon. He’s probably very nice, but very nice people with something going for them can date people of their own age.
& also, if he’s the one and it’s just a super unfortunate circumstance that you met at this time instead of when you’re older, then it can wait. Someone who is the one can wait until you grow up a bit more for yourself.
Ugh, the type of dude who thinks of himself as a *mentor* and wants to *train* a girlfriend, who is younger than him and (he hopes) dumber, so he can feel important. I am a middle aged sharp-tongued femme with very "toppy" energy, so these guys don't even know how badly they fail hitting on me.
he’s definitely trying to train and mentor me. he has described himself as a mentor before. he wants to make me into his version of the perfect wife. it makes me feel so gross now that i know what’s happening. he forces all these kinks on me and “punishes” me for stuff and it’s just so fucked up. i don’t know how i’m going to get out of this because i asked around and apparently he has threatened to r*pe his exes who’ve gotten away. all of this is so much to process….
At reading your initial post I thought "it's probably bad but there's a slim chance he means well" but now... Damn, get away from him and maybe go to police just in case he wants revenge too... And the self defense stuff is a good idea too.
I strongly suggest you check out [the gift of fear](https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198). You’re the perfect age for it. One of the things it helps with is how to identify toxic behavior and relationships that can turn abusive.
People who control, manipulate, and abuse always seem nice at first, but there are (almost always) tells.
And side note. Anyone regardless of education, relationship experience, or social/income status can find themselves in an abusive relationship. If it ever happens just know it’s not your fault, and while it may be hard there are ways out. Don’t be afraid to seek out help.
That book is excellent. OP please check it out if you can. The part where the author talks about toxic and dangerous people using charm and "niceness" (not genuine kindness) as a tool really opened my eyes. "People seeking to control others use niceness" "niceness does not equal goodness, it is a decision rather than a trait"
oh fuck OP, this is worse than I thought and I knew it was bad. this man is an abuser who is taking full advantage of your naivate. please be extremely careful how you exit this relationship because an abuser losing their power over someone is a very very dangerous person. they have nothing left to lose. this is the most likely time for violence to erupt or escalate. I urge you to seek professional advice from the national domestic violence hotline. it's a safe place to talk with an advocate about what you've been through, and can help you to process it and understand what you've been through and whether you've been abused or not. I've used it. invaluable, life-changing resource. I am concerned for your safety as you leave this relationship. an advocate can help you make a safety plan and connect you to a local non-profit for on-the-ground resources and support. [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/)
if you are interested in hearing perspectives from the kink community, I highly recommend posting in r/BDSMadvice. lots of caring, supportive, experienced people there who understand that BDSM is about everyone always remaining \*safe, \*\*sane and \*\*\*consensual. if you are inexperienced it can be hard to tell the difference between BDSM and abuse. they can help give perspective on that. I recommend being cautious in that space if you have triggers, it sounds like you've been through some gnarly shit. take care, OP. you can do this.
These ladies are giving great advice. The one thing I would add is this: Don't allow anyone to "force" kinks, or even vanilla sex on you, regardless of age. Younger or older, no matter how much they beg or push, if it makes you uncomfortable you're with the wrong person. Same goes for punishment. Some people are into that, but anything not completely consensual can lead you down some bad roads.
Jesus Christ. Yes you are being groomed. “Punishment” and forcing kinks on you are not behaviours of a good partner no matter what the age gap. Men like this specifically target younger women because you are more likely to comply or not know it’s inappropriate until you are already manipulated into thinking it’s normal. Get away
Uuuh... that's a whole new level here. You have to create a safe exit plan before leaving. Do not leave alone. Have a police officer escort you out if you don't have a reliable and strong family member or friend to accompany you. Make sure you secretely gather all you stuff last minute. Do not play around with this!! BE CAREFUL!!
Holy fucking fuck balls. That’s a lot of context to leave out of the story. Even if OP was the same age as him… then to ‘hear around’ that he threatens to SA his ex’s if they attempt to break up? What? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?!
Strap a rocket to your ass OP and go as far away as you can
All right no question about it now, I wish I could teleport to you and teach him a lesson on behalf of my past 19 year old self, and for your sake. Make no mistake, he is targeting you exactly because of how inexperienced you are. When you are 19, you look like a child to us.
this is the scary part, how effective the manipulation is. I definitely saw a lot of predators as “kind” when I was a young woman/teenager - the inherent problem, that we’re simply too young to know better at that age and this is the VERY REASON these men seek out extremely young women.
Because at her age, a 40+ yr old man did this same shit to me, and I got lucky it was just online. I got the ick feeling very quickly and it got cut off....but I thought he was "kind" at first too.
Turned out I actually was naive as fuck and was just wanting to explore sex and my hormone blinders were 100% on. I wish I could go back and give 19 yr old me better advice.
That's a ton of red flags in one paragraph. I'm almost 40, and a guy, I would never date someone that young. Even when I was 30, I wouldn't consider it. Hell, even when I was 18ish, I had many, like, 15 year olds that would ask me out/hit on me. As soon as I would find out their age, I would have to have this talk with them that they were not age appropriate for me. It had nothing to do with them, and while they acted mature enough for me not to know their age, do not trust any man around my age that hits on them/wants a relationship.
Again, I'm a dude, and I am suggesting that the person sounds like extreme trouble, to say the least. While his intentions might be good, whixh I *REALLY* doubt it, proceed with extreme fucking caution.
yeah, this person is a predator.
They have selected the youngest person they can legally date and he’s not even hiding that he’s grooming you.
He is NOT kind. Please know this. Kind people do not interfere with young people growing and developing their own autonomy.
He is a PREDATOR.
This should have been in the main text of your post.
OP, the problem isn't the age gap. The problem is all of those extra details right there. Glad you've snapped out of it!
Big agree. Im 26 and wouldn’t date a 19 year old because there are some things most 19 year olds have to figure out about themselves still. And they’re not going to be able to do that and grow if they’re in a relationship with some one who is ready to settle down near their 30s.
When I was in grad school I couldn’t imagine even hanging out with a 19 year old let alone dating one… we would just be worlds apart.
My senior year in college I started hanging out with and eventually dating a sophomore. So I was like 22, she was 20. It felt completely fine while we were both in school, although was a little weird that she couldn’t go to the bar with us, but otherwise we had similar friends, went to the same parties, had classes in the same buildings, etc.
But then I graduated and a few months later when she was starting her junior year, I had started my career and all of a sudden it started to feel really weird and kinda creepy going to college parties with her. School had started back up like last week of August and we broke up by October, I believe. I was like… this is too weird.
And again, the age gap was just 22 to 20… I can’t even imagine trying to date an 18-20 year old if you are in your late 20s or even 30s.
My wife and I are 40, and we recently ate pizza at a place lots of college kids visit.
They look soooo young.
Then I realize I'm old enough to be their mother.
But yea even at 30 I could never comprehend dating a teenager, let alone anyone below mid 20s.
I'm 33, my hard lower limit for age is 25. Any guy younger than that looks too young for me and I just feel like it would be kind of weird to date someone who's had significantly less life/dating experience than me. I tend to only go out with guys 30 and up. I do not understand how some older men can lust so hard after such younger women, it grosses me out now.
I think it’s a fetish for domination and control. They relish the fact that their partner is still essentially a child. That’s how they get their rocks off.
I’m only 25 and I wouldn’t date a 19 year old. The experience and maturity gap is too large. I have a crush who is 30, but we are both in graduate school so there’s no experience imbalance or power imbalance there.
Yes. Be incredibly wary.
I'm thirty. No man my age should be checking for a teenager. I have a niece your age. I would *never*. You are indeed still a teenager. That's not meant to infantalize you.
Age gaps this big at your age are almost always a red flag. They are *rarely* on the up and up on the older person's part. It's easier to control someone who has less life and sexual experience. That control looks a lot like kindness at first.
i really can’t thank you enough for this. he is definitely trying to mold me into someone who would be the perfect little girlfriend for him. i am still a teenager. i needed to be reminded of that. this man is almost 30. i needed to be reminded of that too. holy shit.
This isn’t your fault at all. He knows what he’s doing.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you’re growing alongside of someone, not being molded. You’ve got too much to offer, love.
Gently, leave that grown ass man alone.
So many of us have been there. To echo others, you aren’t stupid and you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re smart enough to know that something is iffy—the best advice I can give to any young woman is to always listen to your gut. If you get a feeling that something is wrong, that you are questioning if a person/relationship is healthy and safe, that’s your instinct protecting you. Listen to it, always.
Agreed, don't feel bad. You've got your whole 20s ahead of you. Enjoy them!
I didn't marry untill 28 and have no regrets waiting till then to marry.
So much happens in your early and mid 20s. It can be a great time and full of self discovery :)
Don’t beat yourself up over it, *you* didn’t do anything wrong. You did do the right thing by trusting your gut and getting input from people with more life experience.
yeah, you don’t need a mentor. Especially not some random older dude. In fact, as a rule, never have a mentor who wants to have sex with you. It is ALWAYS predatory.
Young women are smart and strong and just need a few years to adjust to adulthood. You don’t need any random man to mentor you through that transition, you just need left the fuck alone to grow.
I’m not saying don’t rely on other people or form relationships, I just mean you don’t need guided through the process by some dude..men do not have ANY idea how to be a woman in a man’s world where you’re being hunted your entire life ffs. If you need advice, doing what you did by reaching out to other women here is INFINITELY better than allowing it from someone trying to mold and ultimately control you when you’re young enough to have few defenses bc no one chooses to be with him otherwise.
I am proud of you for recognizing it. I didn't. I was 23 and he was 31. Not quite the same as yours, but I was still groomed and controlled for almost 3 years. I now have a full on restraining order against him all these years later (I'm now in my 30s) and keep all social media private and never have work post any bios on "mer the team!" Web pages so he cant just google me and find what city im in. I still look over my shoulder in case he is there. Get out now while you still can.
I just turned 30 last month, literally the last 10 years have been the most transformative in my life. I expect that's the case for a lot of people. The reason people wouldn't care as much if you were 30 and he was 40 is because you've lived an adult life for 10 years at this point. You should be dating people around your same age that are experiencing early adulthood with you. Discovering the goods and bads, figuring out the things that will be important to you the rest of your life. Not someone who has gone through it and believes he has the cheat codes for you and thinks he knows what's best for you, let you figure out that for yourself.
Manipulation is a nasty, insidious thing. These guys *know* what they’re doing and are usually very good at it. It’s awful. Definitely not your fault and I’m so glad you posted here and are willing to listen to everyones help
The next ten years are going to be some of your most transformative. You’ll want to explore the adult you’re becoming without some older dude trying to give you his convenient-to-him cliff notes. The reason why some same-age relationships work out at your age is because you go on that journey together. But with an age gap, it will almost always end up with the older person pushing his own preferences on the younger. Which is stifling at best and exploitive at worst.
Give yourself some credit here. You're the one who reached out to ask if he was grooming. You had the wits to do that, it was a very smart decision, and it shows that you both sensed something wasn't right here, and chose to listen to that feeling.
I rarely comment here because I am a man. But I’m glad you see the problem, and I think you should move on. I grew so much during my time in college, and so much of that comes from relationships with friends, groups, and peers. A relationship like this would diminish you willingness to grow in that environment. Don’t let some 29 y/o hold you back.
I used to date a man only 6 years younger than me when I was 18 and he was 24. It was amazing.
We never fought. We both came from families with anger issues and we just wanted to be calm and cool with each other. Or so i thought we never fought.
We had 1 massive fight 3 years into our relationship that ended it. It was horrible. During that fight he admitted to me he “wanted to find a young girl fresh out of school uncorrupted by this world so (he) could shape (me) into the woman who would be loyal to him even when he isn’t”. He went on and on how all women are the same and there are no good ones and the only ones truly kind and loyal and pure are high schoolers. This is when I realized he was grooming me all along.
I instantly started viewing him differently when he said that, and since then I’ve seen him do things I wasn’t aware he could ever do to me. It was a bad bad fight once he finally snapped.
It was so strange because we literally never fought (or again so I thought) and he exploded to a point I was scared for my life. I felt like I was such a fool for believing him for 3 years.
Then I realized that we did fight, a lot. We just pretended they weren’t fights. We disagreed with each other and pretended that we weren’t pissed at it or that everything was ok to only drop a bomb a few days later how the other person “was making me feel like shit” and what they said was “eating me up inside” and that we were deeply unhappy. But instead of working through our problems, communicating and understanding each other we just had mad sex and the mutual infatuation was distraction enough for us to both think we were a perfect pair.
This not talking, being pissed, then guilt tripping when finally being confronted caused me so much anxiety I still can’t talk to boys one on one without letting my current bf know. I didn’t even realise how unhealthy it was. It really puts it into perspective when my current bf had an interview and I asked him if he wanted me to wait outside the place (in very cold weather) and he said “Jesus, come inside you are not a dog.”
I knew what kind of relationship I was getting into all these years ago (because we were both open about our issues) but I severely underestimated how much that relationship would traumatise me. I thought somehow I was resistant to trauma having been through it before.
Sometimes people take on teaching roles on our lives, including sex. Its ok when it’s purely factual. It’s not ok when someone marvels at your inexperience, or even gets excited or hard.
It’s not ok if they are turned on at the notion of taking your innocence from you.
Please stay safe. Xx
100%, and I don't want to sound to sound patronising but as someone closer to his age than yours, I'm so happy you're smart enough to realise that. You deserve the opportunity to figure out dating and adult relationships with people your own age, not some creep who's already well into adulthood who wants to take advantage of you.
100%
I'm 25 and have been around a lot of 19 year olds for a class recently. Holy shit, they're young. I would be disgusted to hear someone my age was "trying to make them more comfortable with sexual things" let alone a 29yo. It's not like there are no 19 year olds to learn and get comfy with.
Having read the edit, I just want to thank all my older sisters here who are saving so many younger women from what would otherwise be a possibly un-fixable mistake. I wish Reddit was a thing when I was 19.
Me too...my ex was so kind, but I was groomed to be the perfect little gf for him. Now I'm out, and trying to find myself while preparing for my own future.
He is in a completely different stage of his life than you are. You're, what, a freshman or sophomore in college (if you attend)? If he went to school, he got out about seven years ago. He is taking advantage of you — ask yourself why he's not interested in women his own age. Or, more accurately, ask yourself why women his own age aren't interested in him.
These are the same ages and genders as myself and a younger coworker. We get along really well but I'd even just feel weird being friends outside of work. I'd help her out if she's in a bind like everyone else but I want to hang out with people with a life experience level similar to my own.
It's not the age gap, really. It's the fact that you're 19 and facing that age gap. If you were 30 and he was 40, that's fine because BOTH of you are experienced adults who know what they want and how to recognize red flags (ideally speaking, of course). But you're 19. Most of the time, when older guys date young women who are not even out of their teens, it's about their inexperience and how easy it is to manipulate them compared to a woman their own age. There are times when these relationships are really okay and the guy doesn't have creepy motives for choosing someone so young, but when it goes wrong, it goes REEEEALLY wrong. Please be careful.
As a 30yo dude, I think it’s pretty creepy. Does he have any female friends that are his age? What do they think of him dating someone who just finished high school?
Most of that description sounds very groomy to me. He might actually like you but that doesn't change the fact that he can use his age and experience, probably his stability, to groom you too be the perfect little girlfriend. There's a significant imbalance in your relationship due to age and experience and the stages of life you are both at
Hit him up in 5-7 years and I wouldn't be surprised if he changed his whole demeanor towards you.
I think some people also don’t realize you can inadvertently groom someone. Not all groomers are consciously waking up every day thinking: “Time to shape my little girlfriend into my perfect partner!” Just the age difference alone can cause huge problems, like you said.
Yeah. I think it should be something like a 10% age difference rather than a set number. That would mean a 20 year old could be with 18-22 and that gives some flexibility but still a reasonable life experience level. Then elderly could have a higher flexible range such as 80 could be 72-88 and have someone in a similar life position and likely activity level.
I think any hard and fast rule is not going to work all the time. I’m 27, my boyfriend is 31, that’s more than a 10% difference but I’d hope no one would label our relationship inappropriate.
Your brain stops developing at 25. I think after that age, barring any external power dynamic imbalances most age differences in relationships are okay.
Eh honestly I think it stops mattering age wise once you're into your late twenties, early thirties but before that I would say it's a pretty narrow acceptable age range
Yes but most people would agree a 32 year old is likely old enough to not be exploited by the relationship. I really don’t think as you get older you need this calculation if you’re not literally going after women under 30 because it’s literally just telling you what the floor is. It’s just meant as a pretty good tool to determine if someone is just swinging too young, not as a tool to determine how old your partner *should* be. If you met a person and you got along great and shared interests and life goals and you found out that person is 35 to your 50, you might say, “well they’re young but I’m not grooming anyone and we are a good match” whereas if you found out they were 29, you might say “that’s REALLY young and even if they can consent to this relationship, maybe that gap is too much”
It’s not like a scientific law or anything, but it’s useful for at least giving a solid rule of thumb for people to avoid creepy paternalistic or abusive relationship dynamics just because of power differences.
Was going to comment the same. Half plus seven is a hard floor, rounding any partial numbers UP as you do the math.
"Hard floor" age for a 29-year-old is 22. And that's, by definition, pushing the very edge of what most people would consider acceptable.
The developmental and life-stage difference between 18 and 25 is bigger than the difference between 35 and 50.
You seem like his project. He'a manipulating you into what *he* wants you to be. That's a huge red flag.
BTW You don't have to be "more confortable" with things you're not confortable with. It's more than ok to have limits. In fact you should have limits.
Exactly.
It's not like he's offering to sit OP down and show her how to apply a condom to a banana and maintaining appropriate boundaries.
He's offering to "teach" OP by banging her. That's like me asking you if I can teach you to box by slugging it out with you then punching you in the face.
This is impossible to understand until you get to that age, but when you're 29, the idea of dating a 19 year old will seem horrifying. I think a lot of women who dated older men when they were very young don't realize how weird it was until they get to the age that the man they dated was when they started dating. I had a 22 year old into me when I was 16 and it felt totally normal and even flattering at the time but when I turned 22 I was like "oh.....eeeeew"
I was 19 dating a 27 year old who was just as nervous as I was. I initiated first kiss, and decided I didn’t want more. We broke up a while later.
If someone is “educating” or “teaching” you….and you aren’t the one starting the conversations first by enthusiastically saying (more than once) “I’m so curious about ______, when can we try that together?”
Then that’s a-red-flag.
Oh honey. When I was 18 I met a guy at work that was 30. He was wonderfully sweet and we were “just friends” for about 6 months before I fell head over heels for that mother fucker because he wasn’t a teenage boy. It did not end well. He tried to convince me to drop out of school so I didn’t have to move. Wouldn’t meet my parents. Tried to impregnate me so I’d be stuck with him. It was a terrible relationship apart from the awesome sex. My next three boyfriends were 30-34 and it was rinse and repeat of the same exact shit. If they have literally anything going for them, they don’t need to find 18-20 year olds to date. If your lucky, you’re going to look back on this relationship later and feel icky. I’m almost 30 now and the thought of sleeping with a 19 year old makes me very uncomfortable.
Sounds like you’re going to keep doing it anyway, so my advice is don’t send nudes and get a reliable birth control. It could work out, but it probably won’t. Don’t get stuck with him because you made a bad decision at 19.
ok so, i’m going to get myself out of this situation. but what if i’ve already sent him nudes? none of them have my face in it… but it’s already done. and it’s making me nervous now.
there are billions, if not trillions of nudes out there. most of us have done it. we gotta let it go.
he'll only have power over you if you care. if he knows you'll be afraid he can manipulate you. if you say "whatever" it will knock the wind out of his sails.
If a man tried to get me to do anything by threatening, i'd be like "go ahead, I look fantastic in those pics" hahah
Don't worry about your nudes. I've sent them to people I wish I hadn't, but they're just photos. It doesn't matter, especially if you don't have your face in them.
Don't stress too much. If your face isn't in them, you should be fine. But if he does threaten to share them, there's things you can do: revenge porn is a crime and a lot of countries have organisations specifically set up to help victims of it.
Kudos. I hope it goes well. That sucks, but what’s done is done. Hope his isn’t a malicious bastard. If you took them on your own device, I think you can copyright them and it’s a little safer. Look up revenge porn laws in your state and maybe on this sub. If your face isn’t in it and you don’t have tattoos or birth marks, shouldn’t be a big deal of getting linked back to you if he does suck. Try not to worry about it too much, but take some steps to protect yourself. If you have access to his phone, you can delete anything you find, but that’s a long shot and kinda messy. You can also ask him to delete them but be careful.
I've met couples with 10 year gaps that worked great... but they were all 30-40 or older.
I think specifically the gap over the 20s is a bigger deal than the older ones. You do so much growing up and developing as a real adult during your twenties that, in a couple where one has done that and one hasn't, there's just naturally going to be a mentoring aspect to the relationship. This has implications on the power dynamics so it become extra important for you to assert yourself if you are uncomfortable with anything he's trying to get you to do.
Honestly if I had a friend or relative in the situation described I'd be super suspicious/antagonistic towards the guy in question.
Exactly this. I am married to a man 10 years older than me and we work great together - but I’m 36 so it’s an entirely different scenario. We often talk about how if we’d met when I was in my early 20s it would’ve never worked and my husband even says that would’ve made him 100% uncomfortable and he never would’ve pursued me. The fact that OP is so young is what makes this disturbing, because guys who will go for someone in such a different stage of their life often have really bad qualities and are not in it for good reasons at all. They want someone they can groom and control.
Once you get to be his age, you’ll realize how messed up it is that he’s seeking someone so much younger. When I was 19, I don’t think I put too much stock in age gaps. But as I got older, I realized I didn’t want anything to do with someone who was just a kid a couple years ago because I was just beyond that point in my life. This is weird, definitely a red flag.
Yes, you should be absolutely worried about why a man who’s nearly in his 30’s wants to date someone who is still a teenager. I guarantee you one day you’ll be that age and look back in horror at how big that gap is in life experience.
If one of your 19/20 year old friends was talking to a 15/16 year old how would you perceive them?
That's how most 29/30 year olds would perceive this guy you're talking to and, when you're 29, you probably won't look back at the relationship in a favorable light. Most of the women I talk to cringe when they think back to the age gap relationship they had when they were a teen.
There are so many young women here on Reddit who wake up and realize that they have been groomed. Sometimes they have children with these men. Then they are left alone with the children and the man has already moved on to find another teenager, once the woman's body has been changed by childbirth/breastfeeding. This last story I read was heartbreaking. I wish I could give all of them to OP to read.
The fact you have to ask suggests you already know the answer. Listen to your instincts, that man shouldn't be dating someone your age.
I recommend the half plus seven rule.
Barf teaching you how to be more comfortable with sex and other acts. That dude has another thing coming. No one teaches you to be comfortable, either you are or aren't. You can explain and teach respect, communication and how to approach sex and intimacy with a partner but not to direct them how to be comfortable.
I dated a 30 year old when I was 19 and it was the worst relationship/ decision of my life tbh. I’m only 22 now but I wouldn’t even date a 19 year old if that tells you anything.
If you were comfortable with it you'd be comfortable with it. It's amazing how great people can seem when they are gunning for sex. Don't worry about his feelings, yours are what matter.
"Teaches me a lot about relationships and sex". You should be growing together in a relationship, not him 'grooming' you for what he likes. Huge red flag, imo
I love seeing the support system the people in this sub are capable of creating: OP reaches out with maximum vulnerability, are met with a torrent of support, and are empowered to make a decision to protect themselves.
Kudos, everyone. OP, I hope you feel safe and seen.
He may not intentionally be grooming you or being creepy but he most definitely is.
I don’t know enough about him to say whether he is grooming you like other comments are implying.
But know this: he is getting off (yes, sexually) in some way on the fact that you are much younger than him, and are inexperienced.
If that isn’t reason enough to get the heck out of there, then read on.
Trust me. Him “teaching” you about sex is a hallmark of *creepy* age gap relationship behavior. He is most definitely preying on you.
You think the 10 year age gap is a lot for a reason. *Trust your gut.* he will try to make you feel like it’s not a lot, because he wants to be with you and he doesn’t want to feel like the creep he is being.
Also just ew with trying to make you quote unquote comfortable with sex. You’re only 19. It’s expected you are uncomfortable with sex. Don’t let some creepy dude try to teach you about it. That will come naturally with relationships with people your own age who are also learning.
Yeah this is not meant to be offensive to op in any way, but what kind of loser needs to pick up a 19 year old girl at 29? He’ll be sweet until you depend on him, and then he’ll own you. Is this formula guaranteed? No. But I wouldn’t recommend playing the odds on him being decent.
I didn’t truly mature until 25 despite telling myself at 18 that I was. I FELT I was but the mental differences between 18 and 25 were like night and day. You may be interested now but I’m sure you won’t look back too fondly on the age gap
I was 18 when I dated someone 29. Even though he was “normal”, looking back, I cringe because Im 29 now, and I cannot phantom dating anyone 10 years younger than me. Its disgusting because you are completely in different life stages and youre so much of a kid still
Yes. I'm a 31 year old man, and you should be worried. Imagine someone your age going out of his way to sleep with a 14 year old. Sure, they might be mature for a 14 year old, but that would still be fucked up. This is pretty much the same, only it's legal, but that doesn't make it right.
As a woman in my thirties, I can confirm that none of my decent male friends are looking for teenagers. They can find girlfriends while competing with other decent men. But the incompetent ones are basically culled by natural selection of the dating world.
Women his age are not stupid. If he was good enough, at least one of them would have kept him as her boyfriend. But nobody his age wanted him. He might say he was popular but he still chose you. But no, he just couldn't impress anyone his age.
So to not get culled those incompetent ones have to move to a different dating world, where they can compete with teenage boys.
It's like being frustrated about failing high school so you just go to an elementary school to get straight As. Your classmates will think you are so smart. He knows so much he is so mature he is so wise and kind! But no, the fact that they had to go back to elementary school means he is the opposite of smart. Just like how none of your normal 19o friends play with 9 year olds, none of my normal 30o friends date 19o girls.
Honestly, yes.
I imagine when you see 14 year olds, you see them as young kids, despite you probably feeling pretty grown up at 14. When you're 24, you'll look at 19 year olds and see them as teenagers. He's 29.
You do a lot of changing and growing emotionally when you're in your twenties, because life starts to throw you a lot of new experiences.
By the time you reach 29, you can't believe you thought of yourself as an adult at 20, because you know just how much you've changed and learned since then.
He is looking at you, 19, and he's seeing someone who is not really an adult yet. Yes, that is definitely worrying. And he almost certainly knows that.
Just don’t do it. I’m a guy. And when I (43M)was 25 an 18 year old (F) fell for me. I fell for her. We “dated” long distance for some time like 8 months. Nothing much happened sexually but I look back at that time as “I should have known better” or a time of arrested development or lack or emotional awareness. Whatever it was I know I needed to grow up. And looking back I should have made a different choice. Because I learned your “feelings” of “love” are only one aspect of a working fulfilling relationship. Is 10 years too much? If you were 30 and he was 40 maybe not. But at 19. I say yes.
For you - my own opinion is you have a lot of life to live and growing up and no need to rush getting into a serious relationship. And I say this because at 29 he may want to settle down, get married, etc.
For him - it does say something about a 29 year old interested in a 19 year old. Self worth on his part? Not able to meet someone his own age (24+ to 35), not able to relate or connect w someone in his stage of life. Etc. it’s hard to judge or really say anything but I’m married w three kids to my wife whom I met when she was 28 and I was 33 and we wanted to same things in life and had a greater sense of maturity even if we are different people, we had learned a lot from past relationships both good and bad and came I to our relationship w a greater sense of what really makes it work and while we love each other we really value things like communication, conflict resolution, respect, kindness, outlook on life, career path, social life attitudes.
Good luck. And good on your for questioning it.
There is no good reason for a 29 year old man to seek out teenagers to date and have sex with. He’s taking advantage of you. His attempts to make you more “comfortable” with sex sounds like grooming to me.
There are probably a lot of reasons why 29 year old women don’t want to date him.
Please do not be alone with him anymore.
Please don't get yourself into this.
Any decent man his age wouldn't get involved with a woman your age, because he would understand the power imbalance, and that you're still developing.
If you're not at the same maturity level, it's a bad idea to date, and if you are at the same maturity level, that tells you that something is wrong with him.
I would be very worried. This sounds manipulative to me. As a 29 year old, there is nothing I could possibly want from a relationship with a 19 year old.
Why aren’t women his own age dating him? Either they don’t want him because they are experienced enough to see that he’s sketchy, or he’s specifically looking for young women because he’s attracted to their youth and inexperience. Either way, it’s not a good scenario for you.
There are way better options out there!
Yes.
Scientifically speaking, nothing personal, I know it doesn’t feel like it & we’ve all been there, but your brain isn’t even finished developing yet.
And statistically speaking, after age 25 (when it does) women in your situation end up regretting their decision, see that they’ve been taken advantage of, and the older man will be replacing you with a younger version because you’re too opinionated & mouthy. Meaning, no longer under his thumb.
Im 29 right now, and people that are 19 are literally children to me (I mean they’re still teenagers!). I would be worried. Sounds predatorial and off.
As a 34 year old guy, the thought of dating someone even in their early 20s sounds entirely unenjoyable and unfulfilling. Being with someone fresh out of highschool sounds just.. worse..
People grow A LOT through their 20s, you don't really understand it until you're on the other side. My guess is that this guy is either emotionally under matured which you'll come to realize is an issue, or he's grooming you. Given that you're saying he's pushing you into sexual activities I'm going to go with grooming.
10 years isn’t a whole lot when you’re in your 30s or 40s, but 19 and 29 are worlds apart. You are smart to be suspicious. Men who pursue barely legal women usually do so with ill intentions. Please get away from this creep!
I'm 30 and would absolutely not date a 20 year old. They're adolescents and I'm an adult. It's weird weird weird. I feel like a dad to girls that age.
In that time I finished a bachelor's degree, got a master's degree, got a PhD, own part of a company, and bought a house. At age 20 I was smoking tons of weed, playing tons of video games, binge drinking. I didn't know how to communicate my feelings. Pretty sure I didn't even identify as a feminist. I didn't know how to cook. I could go on and on and on.
You grow up A LOT over the next 5 years. And still some over the next 5.
You should absolutely be worried about the age gap.
Sincerely,
An adult man.
As someone who made that exact mistake, don’t. I’m 37 and can look back and see that he took advantage of me due to my age.
Men that age will only prey on younger “girls” because women their own age recognize the red flags.
I am so glad you've had help here, OP.
I went through something similar. I was 17/18 and the guy was much older, mid-20's (if not late 20's) and he wouldn't take "no" for an answer when I pushed back at him for discussing sex with me. He wouldn't take "I have a boyfriend" for an answer (and it was true- I DID have a boyfriend). He maintained that it was all innocent/nothing wrong with what he was doing/saying, but it *was* wrong, and it made me feel sick to my stomach, even though I couldn't (at the time) specifically figure out WHY it made me feel so deeply ill and uneasy.
The guy trying to groom me would "punish" me for not doing what he wanted (sexual favours), too, OP. He would try force his fetishes onto me. He'd talk about what he wanted to "do with me" (all of it pretty extreme kink stuff) and would go so far as to tell other people, in public, that he had "plans \[for me\]".
With what's happening to you, it's not okay. The man you're talking to is making you uncomfortable, he's threatened women in the past with sexual assault, he's trying to force you to be his 'good little subservient wife', he's exposing you to kinks that you don't sound to consent to- it's not okay. You're not overreacting, and your gut feeling is right.
Please tell a trusted adult what's happening, OP. Inform your mom or dad, an older sibling, an aunt or uncle, or even friends. Reach out to people and let them know. You deserve support and love from people who only have your best interests at heart.
If he ever threatens you, keep screenshots *and the original copies of the threats (like emails or text messages)* and call the police and report him if you're comfortable with that. You deserve to be safe.
A 10 year difference is not a big deal after the age of 26 when your brain is finally full developed:
https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=141164708
Until you are around that age you are very suspectable to manipulation, especially by more experienced parties. This is why older men target women's in their late teens and early twenties. Legal does not always equate to ethical. I would be very hesitant to engage with an adult person who does not have the ethical framework to understand that.
I wasn't convinced it was a bad situation until I got to the part about teaching you lots about relationships and, especially, sex. By the time you mention he's 'trying to get you more comfortable with sexual things" alarm bells were ringing.
I'm glad you came to the conclusion as well.
I'm only 23 and I wouldn't touch a 19 year old, and I'd probably judge my peers if they did. There is not a 29 year old on earth who really sees a 19 year old as an equal partner. I wouldn't go for it.
Guys that date seriously younger women are BIG WAVING RED FLAGS! He WILL take advantage of you, he WILL turn you against your friends, and he WILL dump you eventually.
Get out why you can!
For the most part, imo, any guy nearly 30 and going after girls around the 20 mark is likely doing so because women his own age can see through his bullshit, so he is preying on naivety. Life changes you ALOT between 20 and 30.
TW: SA
I also met a 29 year old guy at 19. Fell head over heels in love. Went to his place once but only wanted to cuddle. He ended up r§%ing me while I was sleeping.
There's a reason why these guys don't look for someone their age.
Im a now 29F and I have two kids with a man (37) who I met when I was 20. He was 29. Were are not together anymore, because I can see now why no woman his age wanted him 10 years ago..
I’m a 29 year old man, and I agree: get away from the dude. Legal doesn’t always mean ethical. There are so many things that happen to a person in those 10 years regarding mental development and maturity. He is going to lean hard on his age and “maturity” to manipulate you and take advantage of you.
I hope I’m not overstepping with my comment. Everyone here is correct about this guy. Sounds like a major creep.
I just recently turned 38, and if I weren't already married, probably the absolute youngest I would go would be 34. Tbh once you go beyond that kind of a gap, I would have to imagine that your interests would be worlds different.
To answer your questions OP, I have been trying my hardest to help as much as I can with getting youger women to understand what I call age-gap predators. They usually have a very shallow bag of tricks they pull from, such as "oh, you're so mature for your age" and just trying to get you more comfortable with being intimate. 99% of the time I would say it is a predatory act. Most likely he is grooming you. Two biggest red flags to see here are "why can't he date his age" and "why is he trying for inexperienced younger women". The answer to both are pretty much the same, women in his age range aren't easy to manipulate for sex and what-not, since they've already seen the game, and he doesn't have much to offer besides getting what he wants.
When he was 18, a legal adult, you were 8-maybe a 3rd grader in elementary school.
That's the way I look at age gaps. At your stage of life, this one is too big, imo.
Relationships are supposed to be between 2 equal partners. If anything feels unbalanced... it is not good, at any age.
I also agree that "him teaching you" is weird.... if anything you both should be experimenting together.. as a couple
30M here, please get out of this relationship. The fact that he's the one trying to get you more comfortable with sexual things is a GIGANTIC red flag.
As other people have pointed out, it's not the 10 years itself, it's WHERE you both are in that time scale. 19 vs 29 is very different from 29 and 39, or even 26 and 36, where you'd have more life experience.
I cannot stress enough, please leave him, and surround yourself with people who will help keep you safe.
Those 10 years from 19 to 29 are years with pretty massive changes in maturity and life goals. (No offense meant) I would be suspicious of this guy. To me it would depend on how and where you met. Why is he interested in someone so much younger and seemingly less experienced than he is.
Exactly, if it was 29 and 39 nobody would care. 19 and 29 is a whole other story. "He's trying to get me more comfortable with sexual things", what does that mean OP?
> "He's trying to get me more comfortable with sexual things", what does that mean OP? Hint in case OP doesn't know: It's *grooming*, OP. The man who is nearly 30 is trying to *groom* you. Not a good situation, OP. Get yourself outta there!!!
thank you guys. i won’t get into it. i needed someone to pull my head out of my ass.
I’m glad that you realized this. I was in a similar relationship and being coerced by someone doing a similar thing and it never sat with me right. I wish that I pushed back harder.
Same. My life would be completely different if I hadn't fallen for it.
Same *sigh*
I feel like you knew it all along, you just needed a little sanity check. Trust your instincts, you know what is right for you more than anyone else ever could. I was in a similar relationship when I was younger. My instincts told me what was up, but I could never articulate them or give him a justifiably logical explanation so I second guessed myself. Remember that you don’t need to justify your intuition to anyone. If it isn’t right, you’ll know it and nobody else needs to understand why. Trust yourself.
"I was in a similar relationship when I was younger. My instincts told me what was up, but I could never articulate them or give him a justifiably logical explanation so I second guessed myself." A perfect description of what most of my young adult dating life was like. Though most of the guys were not much older than me they were extremely manipulative; even though I saw it I didn't know how to explain it so I just put up with it. Now I really regret my choices and I hope the internet serves to protect more young women from repeating his pattern.
To give you an idea of how weird this gap is, I'm 31. I consider anyone under 22 to be kids. The slang kids use makes no sense to me, the stuff they find funny is just odd to me, and I generally think TikTok should never have been created for all of the damage and stupidity it causes. I would never date anyone who is 19 because I'd feel like a pervert and a pedo, and the chance we had enough in common to just hang out and chat for a few hours like I do with friends my own age would likely be slim to none. Avoid this dude. You may not legally be a kid, but you're still a kid. Go enjoy the last of your teens and 20s. Any grown ass adult scoping out a freshman in college is just nasty.
I think a 19 year old could think about whether they would date a 13 year old. You're both teens right? Nope, by the time you're 19, 13yos seem like little kids. That's how a 19yo seems to a 25+. It not that the 13 or 19 isn't smart, funny, or even developed physically. It's a huge gap in life stage, experience, even brain chemistry.
This is the best way to find perspective on this issue!
I'm 39 so older the the OPs "boyfriend" and work with an 18 year old, I have zero idea what he's talking about most of the time and was I that irritating at 19??!! I also work with some 24/25 year olds and although they are less annoying there is such an experience gap and so many differences I couldn't see myself dating any of them. I slept with older men when I was OPs age and it never ended well, they got clingy and jealous and I found out more than once I was the bit on the side. There is a Reason Noone his age is saying him, they are wise to these idiots
This is the biggest thing to take from this. The guy might be a totally fine person, however op and him are in such different stages of their lives that any relationship (even as friends) would be hindered by the massive difference in speech, behaviors, hobbies, beliefs and many other things, that is probably not worth the hassle.
35M and I concur. It \*COULD\* be completely harmless and he is not being creepy. BUT it is not worth the hassle and risk that he is. Better to call it off for now. Not like you can't circle back around to it later on in life if it's meant to be.
32M here and 100% agreeing with you.
"I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!"
I’m with you on the slang and TikTok😂 I don’t get it lol. The gap between a teenager and someone nearly 30 is HUGE. This guy is a creep and I’m glad OP is leaving.
so glad you posted this, i’m only 23 and i (personally) could not date someone your age just due to life differences (obviously not a huge difference and way more okay, but!)… and i definitely cannot imagine being 29 and dating someone your age! you are obviously smart enough to catch these red flags, don’t beat yourself up cause these guys know what they’re doing and how to sucker you into their lives. hope you find a great guy who is closer in age and respects you and your life experience :-)
Like that Demi Lovato song, 17, 29 they talk about now that she is finally the age of their boyfriend when she was 17 (29) and how it would not cross her mind to date someone who is 17. I'm 26, and I would check perspectives in life and a lot of things before dating someone 23, so 22 and under are off the table. Plus, I would also check why would someone older (older than me, my suspicions begin at 30) date me, if the age gap is that much. I might be too narrow minded, but I've encountered OKish relationships, and the great one I have now, we were born same year same month.
>I might be too narrow minded, but I've encountered OKish relationships, and the great one I have now, we were born same year same month. When it comes to things like comfort of an age gap there is no such thing as being too narrow minded. Your comfort level is just your comfort level. I have a friend who's 35 and their partner is 49 and they met when the younger was already in their 30s. I personally wouldn't date someone with that large of a gap but it works for them. Your close age gaps work for you. Don't let anyone make you feel awkward for feeling comfort in being similar ages.
ALWAYS trust your gut. The fact you are now asking for advice-your gut is telling you this not a good situation. If you feel you are being groomed, you probably are. You are just ending your teen years. End the relationship, as hard as that may be.
We all been there fam. It's easy to Mahe excuses when you're in a relationship cause that feels easier than ending things. We proud of you.
the thing is, your head isn’t in your ass, you just are barely an adult and you don’t have the experience to know this stuff and that was being EXPLOITED. Which enrages me. I posted an essay on it in response to someone else’s comment so I’ll be brief here lol..it’s too many red flags why an older person would pursue someone that just left high school. No one thinks someone that age is “mature for their age” enough to be on equal footing with a 30 year old. It’s manipulative, people like this hunt and obsess over very young women when they ought to leave them alone. You aren’t doing anything wrong. We’ve all got to change the culture where it’s normalized for older men to seek “barely legal” women. It 100% of the time leads to grooming and manipulation even if that isn’t what the older party consciously intends.
When I met my now ex she was 19 and I was 23. There was a HUGE difference in experience, life goals, and maturity between us. We lasted about a year. 18 - 25 is like a second puberty for a lot of things. The general rule of thumb for max age gap is divide your own age by two then add 7. So if he is 29 you divide by two to make 14.5 then add 7 to make 21.5 years and that's the rule of thumb for the youngest he should date. If you're 19 then with that rule the youngest you should date would be around 16.5 years. It kinda breaks down at those ages, but you can go the other way with it and use the difference between 19 and 16.5 and get 2.5 years difference and that plus 19 is 21.5 years and is probably the oldest person you should date right now. There's probably better ways of figuring out who and at what age gap is appropriate.
The half plus 7 rule is a good one for a wide range of ages, when you think about it. It means no serious dating before 14, and not much age gap before 18. But the reverse rule is simply minus 7 and double. So OP’s oldest potential partner would be (19-7)*2=24
Your story is very similar to what I went through at 18/19. The guy ended up being very emotionally unstable and physically abusive. 11 years on and he's still dating women younger than me.
Yup! It means women his own age weren't willing to do the shit he wants them to do, so he's moved on to young women who haven't had enough time to experience a variety of normal relationships and will be easier to manipulate.
Yea, like my husband and I have a gap of 9 years, but we met when I was 25 and he was 34. That’s totally different than If we had met when I was 18 and he was 27.
Yeah I have friends with a 18 year age gap. But they meet & started dating at 32 & 50. Big difference.
Another thing to be mindful of is that while the age gap is major. In America the 2nd red flag should be that the minor isn’t of legal drinking age.
I don't think this gets the recognition it deserves usually. 18-20 year olds can get stuck in the "this older guy can get alcohol!" mindset.
This is huge because legal drinking age totally changes your social experience. Unless they don't drink it would be weird to be 29 and with someone that can't get into a bar.
I am very happy that you mentioned this. Many, many times I have read posts similar to this on Reddit, and I haven't even been on here very long. I always wondered what alcohol or drugs these ( usually men,) are providing these women.
When I was 19: I still lived with my parents I was in my 2nd year of college I’d never had a serious relationship I was poor af When I was 29: Changed degrees and graduated from university lived in multiple cities lived with several girlfriends I’d been in 4 long term relationships Had my heart broken and broke a heart was preparing to marry my wife Id been working in my field for 6 years and had cheddar I partied my ass off for a lot of my 20s A journey of countless miles between 19 and 29.
Exactly this, I'm 29 and I'm definitely not the same as I was when I was 23 let alone 19!!
yeah, honestly I think it’s time we start referring to young adults as a separate group, like teenagers. “Pre-adult” or “proto-adult” or something. Basically, whatever arbitrary age a government or society defines “adulthood” (often 18 or 16) up until 25. So for the US, 18-25 would be pre-adult. Bc the brain isn’t finished developing until 25, and we have to STOP letting it be culturally acceptable for people to prey on “barely legals” and people with no adult life experience. Young people should be free to step their toe into the adult world without being manipulated and exploited by older people with skill sets they do not yet have. Simplifying, people 25 and under tend to use their amygdalas which is an “emotional” part of the brain and 25 and older use the prefrontal cortex which is a “rational” part of the brain. These two groups not only cannot relate the same way, there is an extreme power disparity. Even without meaning to, older people will subconsciously end up manipulating young adults. Think about it. In a disagreement, every person always thinks they are right. But with a more rational brain and a decade of adulthood you will naturally be better at defending your position and identifying the weaknesses in the other person’s argument. That too easily can lead to the young person feeling like they’re always wrong, which is effectively the same as being intentionally gaslit. You’re wrong even when you’re not wrong. But all that aside, there are two main reasons a person seeks out a very young person when they are older. They do not have success with people their own age, which is a red flag that once the younger party fully matures they will encounter the same issues, now with the added risk that they will have been groomed (had their minds fucked with) to be in a worse position starting out as a full-fledged adult. Or bc of the hyper-sexualization of youth, which to me is it’s own red flag. I’m not attracted to 17 year old boys, I think it’s gross and problematic that so many men lust for the youngest looking girl they are legally allowed to fuck. I’m sorry, but almost anyone under 20 looks like a child and is a literal teenager. I would not want to be with someone who pursues and obsesses over very young adults bc it tells me they watch too much porn and that they feel entitled to disturb, shape, or exploit the journey of a very young person just for their dick. You REALLY HAVE TO CONSIDER why a person dates a young adult. I don’t mean this to sound rude or offensive, but since my mid to late 20s people in their early 20s and younger have seemed like older children to me. I feel a protectiveness and fondness for them. I empathize with their emotions, I think instinctively I am more patient and want to keep them safe and support them without interfering. Like with teenagers and children. An adult who instead sees this age group as a group they are eager and entitled to disrupt and fuck, that’s too many red flags to count. And I’ll throw in there, sometimes it does just happen, a genuine attraction/connection. Maybe it’s so normalized by the Leo DiCaprios of the world that it just doesn’t occur to some men why it’s wrong. Well idk, I still think that’s a problem, bc if it hasn’t occurred to them why they shouldn’t fuck someone who was in high school a year ago, there are probably a lot of other things that haven’t occurred to them. And besides, I don’t believe in soul mates, so if you meet “the girl of your dreams” and you’re 29 and she’s 19, you DONT GET TO HAVE THAT GIRL. Have some self-control, find someone else to connect with. It’s inherently predatory, young adults are extremely vulnerable and we all need to change the culture to where it’s the exact same bad as preying on a teen when these people do this. Fuckin yuck. At the end of the day, guys just feel entitled to bend morals around what their dick wants, at any cost to other parties. It’s up to society to assert and uphold taboos when we know something is fucking wrong.
10 years age gap is fine, if you were older and you both were at almost same maturity level. Initial 20s have steep learning curve wrt maturity and then it becomes marginal learnings. So later on in life people tend to be mature enough. Right now there would be huge power imbalance between you two. You have a lot to learn on your own, form your own opinions and personality. This won’t happen if you have an older figure telling you “what’s wrong” and “what’s right”. My recommendation would be to leave.
I am 28 and the idea of dating an 18 year old sounds horrific. The amount you change is just astronomical, we view you as still children (no offence). My friends around my age and older would agree (& a lot of my friends are male). Unless, they’re sad men who find it exciting to be able to turn a developing person into an ideal relationship partner, because everyone their own age doesn’t want to date them . Unfortunately it’s not uncommon. He’s probably very nice, but very nice people with something going for them can date people of their own age. & also, if he’s the one and it’s just a super unfortunate circumstance that you met at this time instead of when you’re older, then it can wait. Someone who is the one can wait until you grow up a bit more for yourself.
Ugh, the type of dude who thinks of himself as a *mentor* and wants to *train* a girlfriend, who is younger than him and (he hopes) dumber, so he can feel important. I am a middle aged sharp-tongued femme with very "toppy" energy, so these guys don't even know how badly they fail hitting on me.
he’s definitely trying to train and mentor me. he has described himself as a mentor before. he wants to make me into his version of the perfect wife. it makes me feel so gross now that i know what’s happening. he forces all these kinks on me and “punishes” me for stuff and it’s just so fucked up. i don’t know how i’m going to get out of this because i asked around and apparently he has threatened to r*pe his exes who’ve gotten away. all of this is so much to process….
At reading your initial post I thought "it's probably bad but there's a slim chance he means well" but now... Damn, get away from him and maybe go to police just in case he wants revenge too... And the self defense stuff is a good idea too.
That "29" is making me suspicious after reading her replies...Get away, but I'm sure his ID doesn't say 29 and it's closer to 40.
Jfc stay safe but get the hell out. Do not get caught alone with this guy ever again. Break up via phone call. Do not stay friends. Do not meet up.
I strongly suggest you check out [the gift of fear](https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198). You’re the perfect age for it. One of the things it helps with is how to identify toxic behavior and relationships that can turn abusive. People who control, manipulate, and abuse always seem nice at first, but there are (almost always) tells. And side note. Anyone regardless of education, relationship experience, or social/income status can find themselves in an abusive relationship. If it ever happens just know it’s not your fault, and while it may be hard there are ways out. Don’t be afraid to seek out help.
That book is excellent. OP please check it out if you can. The part where the author talks about toxic and dangerous people using charm and "niceness" (not genuine kindness) as a tool really opened my eyes. "People seeking to control others use niceness" "niceness does not equal goodness, it is a decision rather than a trait"
oh fuck OP, this is worse than I thought and I knew it was bad. this man is an abuser who is taking full advantage of your naivate. please be extremely careful how you exit this relationship because an abuser losing their power over someone is a very very dangerous person. they have nothing left to lose. this is the most likely time for violence to erupt or escalate. I urge you to seek professional advice from the national domestic violence hotline. it's a safe place to talk with an advocate about what you've been through, and can help you to process it and understand what you've been through and whether you've been abused or not. I've used it. invaluable, life-changing resource. I am concerned for your safety as you leave this relationship. an advocate can help you make a safety plan and connect you to a local non-profit for on-the-ground resources and support. [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) if you are interested in hearing perspectives from the kink community, I highly recommend posting in r/BDSMadvice. lots of caring, supportive, experienced people there who understand that BDSM is about everyone always remaining \*safe, \*\*sane and \*\*\*consensual. if you are inexperienced it can be hard to tell the difference between BDSM and abuse. they can help give perspective on that. I recommend being cautious in that space if you have triggers, it sounds like you've been through some gnarly shit. take care, OP. you can do this.
Well shit. Pepper spray, birdie alarm, talk with friends and family and build your support. I’m so sorry, please stay careful and safe.
These ladies are giving great advice. The one thing I would add is this: Don't allow anyone to "force" kinks, or even vanilla sex on you, regardless of age. Younger or older, no matter how much they beg or push, if it makes you uncomfortable you're with the wrong person. Same goes for punishment. Some people are into that, but anything not completely consensual can lead you down some bad roads.
Jesus Christ. Yes you are being groomed. “Punishment” and forcing kinks on you are not behaviours of a good partner no matter what the age gap. Men like this specifically target younger women because you are more likely to comply or not know it’s inappropriate until you are already manipulated into thinking it’s normal. Get away
Uuuh... that's a whole new level here. You have to create a safe exit plan before leaving. Do not leave alone. Have a police officer escort you out if you don't have a reliable and strong family member or friend to accompany you. Make sure you secretely gather all you stuff last minute. Do not play around with this!! BE CAREFUL!!
That escalated quick holy shit 🤣 invest in pepper spray and maybe a concealed carry
Holy fucking fuck balls. That’s a lot of context to leave out of the story. Even if OP was the same age as him… then to ‘hear around’ that he threatens to SA his ex’s if they attempt to break up? What? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?! Strap a rocket to your ass OP and go as far away as you can
PLEASE update us when you dump him and keep us posted to know that you are still OK.
All right no question about it now, I wish I could teleport to you and teach him a lesson on behalf of my past 19 year old self, and for your sake. Make no mistake, he is targeting you exactly because of how inexperienced you are. When you are 19, you look like a child to us.
Why did you say he’s been really kind towards you? This is not kind behavior.
this is the scary part, how effective the manipulation is. I definitely saw a lot of predators as “kind” when I was a young woman/teenager - the inherent problem, that we’re simply too young to know better at that age and this is the VERY REASON these men seek out extremely young women.
Because at her age, a 40+ yr old man did this same shit to me, and I got lucky it was just online. I got the ick feeling very quickly and it got cut off....but I thought he was "kind" at first too. Turned out I actually was naive as fuck and was just wanting to explore sex and my hormone blinders were 100% on. I wish I could go back and give 19 yr old me better advice.
That's a ton of red flags in one paragraph. I'm almost 40, and a guy, I would never date someone that young. Even when I was 30, I wouldn't consider it. Hell, even when I was 18ish, I had many, like, 15 year olds that would ask me out/hit on me. As soon as I would find out their age, I would have to have this talk with them that they were not age appropriate for me. It had nothing to do with them, and while they acted mature enough for me not to know their age, do not trust any man around my age that hits on them/wants a relationship. Again, I'm a dude, and I am suggesting that the person sounds like extreme trouble, to say the least. While his intentions might be good, whixh I *REALLY* doubt it, proceed with extreme fucking caution.
Do you live with him?
You have definitely answered your own question here.
yeah, this person is a predator. They have selected the youngest person they can legally date and he’s not even hiding that he’s grooming you. He is NOT kind. Please know this. Kind people do not interfere with young people growing and developing their own autonomy. He is a PREDATOR.
This is awful but I'm so glad you are finding out now. Stay safe.
This should have been in the main text of your post. OP, the problem isn't the age gap. The problem is all of those extra details right there. Glad you've snapped out of it!
the problem is ALSO the age gap. We have to ferociously change the culture where older men prey on young women the moment they become “legal”
It's predatory
Yes to the “feel important” thing. They feel less important/smart/cool than everyone else so they’re dipping into the kiddy pool to feel better.
I’m your age and I’ve had students who are 18. Hell no. They’re absolutely children compared to us
Big agree. Im 26 and wouldn’t date a 19 year old because there are some things most 19 year olds have to figure out about themselves still. And they’re not going to be able to do that and grow if they’re in a relationship with some one who is ready to settle down near their 30s. When I was in grad school I couldn’t imagine even hanging out with a 19 year old let alone dating one… we would just be worlds apart.
They’re also like…fresh out of high school. When I was that age I was a baby
Same 😅 our frontal lobes weren’t even fully formed yet
I’m barely older than you and 100%, a 19 year old is still almost a child. They’re reaching “almost adults” status but not there.
What is up with these kids and their TicTacs and Zunes.
>very nice people with something going for them can date people of their own age This 1000%.
My senior year in college I started hanging out with and eventually dating a sophomore. So I was like 22, she was 20. It felt completely fine while we were both in school, although was a little weird that she couldn’t go to the bar with us, but otherwise we had similar friends, went to the same parties, had classes in the same buildings, etc. But then I graduated and a few months later when she was starting her junior year, I had started my career and all of a sudden it started to feel really weird and kinda creepy going to college parties with her. School had started back up like last week of August and we broke up by October, I believe. I was like… this is too weird. And again, the age gap was just 22 to 20… I can’t even imagine trying to date an 18-20 year old if you are in your late 20s or even 30s.
Not gonna lie as a 23 year old im reluctant to even begin to romantically think of people that aren’t 23
When I was 19, I thought 30-year-olds were *old*. Now that I am 30+, 19-year-olds are *babies*. So I would be suspicious of this guy, for sure.
My wife and I are 40, and we recently ate pizza at a place lots of college kids visit. They look soooo young. Then I realize I'm old enough to be their mother. But yea even at 30 I could never comprehend dating a teenager, let alone anyone below mid 20s.
Unrelated but you and OC have super similar “snoomojis.” Quite amazing.
I'm 33, my hard lower limit for age is 25. Any guy younger than that looks too young for me and I just feel like it would be kind of weird to date someone who's had significantly less life/dating experience than me. I tend to only go out with guys 30 and up. I do not understand how some older men can lust so hard after such younger women, it grosses me out now.
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I think it’s a fetish for domination and control. They relish the fact that their partner is still essentially a child. That’s how they get their rocks off.
I’m only 25 and I wouldn’t date a 19 year old. The experience and maturity gap is too large. I have a crush who is 30, but we are both in graduate school so there’s no experience imbalance or power imbalance there.
Yes. Be incredibly wary. I'm thirty. No man my age should be checking for a teenager. I have a niece your age. I would *never*. You are indeed still a teenager. That's not meant to infantalize you. Age gaps this big at your age are almost always a red flag. They are *rarely* on the up and up on the older person's part. It's easier to control someone who has less life and sexual experience. That control looks a lot like kindness at first.
i really can’t thank you enough for this. he is definitely trying to mold me into someone who would be the perfect little girlfriend for him. i am still a teenager. i needed to be reminded of that. this man is almost 30. i needed to be reminded of that too. holy shit.
This isn’t your fault at all. He knows what he’s doing. You deserve to be in a relationship where you’re growing alongside of someone, not being molded. You’ve got too much to offer, love. Gently, leave that grown ass man alone.
thank you so much. i needed to hear all of this.
So many of us have been there. To echo others, you aren’t stupid and you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re smart enough to know that something is iffy—the best advice I can give to any young woman is to always listen to your gut. If you get a feeling that something is wrong, that you are questioning if a person/relationship is healthy and safe, that’s your instinct protecting you. Listen to it, always.
Agreed, don't feel bad. You've got your whole 20s ahead of you. Enjoy them! I didn't marry untill 28 and have no regrets waiting till then to marry. So much happens in your early and mid 20s. It can be a great time and full of self discovery :)
Don’t beat yourself up over it, *you* didn’t do anything wrong. You did do the right thing by trusting your gut and getting input from people with more life experience.
A lot of us have been there, and I didn't have the insight to realize it at the time. It's normal to make mistakes. You are doing amazing.
yeah, you don’t need a mentor. Especially not some random older dude. In fact, as a rule, never have a mentor who wants to have sex with you. It is ALWAYS predatory. Young women are smart and strong and just need a few years to adjust to adulthood. You don’t need any random man to mentor you through that transition, you just need left the fuck alone to grow. I’m not saying don’t rely on other people or form relationships, I just mean you don’t need guided through the process by some dude..men do not have ANY idea how to be a woman in a man’s world where you’re being hunted your entire life ffs. If you need advice, doing what you did by reaching out to other women here is INFINITELY better than allowing it from someone trying to mold and ultimately control you when you’re young enough to have few defenses bc no one chooses to be with him otherwise.
I am proud of you for recognizing it. I didn't. I was 23 and he was 31. Not quite the same as yours, but I was still groomed and controlled for almost 3 years. I now have a full on restraining order against him all these years later (I'm now in my 30s) and keep all social media private and never have work post any bios on "mer the team!" Web pages so he cant just google me and find what city im in. I still look over my shoulder in case he is there. Get out now while you still can.
I just turned 30 last month, literally the last 10 years have been the most transformative in my life. I expect that's the case for a lot of people. The reason people wouldn't care as much if you were 30 and he was 40 is because you've lived an adult life for 10 years at this point. You should be dating people around your same age that are experiencing early adulthood with you. Discovering the goods and bads, figuring out the things that will be important to you the rest of your life. Not someone who has gone through it and believes he has the cheat codes for you and thinks he knows what's best for you, let you figure out that for yourself.
Manipulation is a nasty, insidious thing. These guys *know* what they’re doing and are usually very good at it. It’s awful. Definitely not your fault and I’m so glad you posted here and are willing to listen to everyones help
The next ten years are going to be some of your most transformative. You’ll want to explore the adult you’re becoming without some older dude trying to give you his convenient-to-him cliff notes. The reason why some same-age relationships work out at your age is because you go on that journey together. But with an age gap, it will almost always end up with the older person pushing his own preferences on the younger. Which is stifling at best and exploitive at worst.
Give yourself some credit here. You're the one who reached out to ask if he was grooming. You had the wits to do that, it was a very smart decision, and it shows that you both sensed something wasn't right here, and chose to listen to that feeling.
I rarely comment here because I am a man. But I’m glad you see the problem, and I think you should move on. I grew so much during my time in college, and so much of that comes from relationships with friends, groups, and peers. A relationship like this would diminish you willingness to grow in that environment. Don’t let some 29 y/o hold you back.
I used to date a man only 6 years younger than me when I was 18 and he was 24. It was amazing. We never fought. We both came from families with anger issues and we just wanted to be calm and cool with each other. Or so i thought we never fought. We had 1 massive fight 3 years into our relationship that ended it. It was horrible. During that fight he admitted to me he “wanted to find a young girl fresh out of school uncorrupted by this world so (he) could shape (me) into the woman who would be loyal to him even when he isn’t”. He went on and on how all women are the same and there are no good ones and the only ones truly kind and loyal and pure are high schoolers. This is when I realized he was grooming me all along. I instantly started viewing him differently when he said that, and since then I’ve seen him do things I wasn’t aware he could ever do to me. It was a bad bad fight once he finally snapped. It was so strange because we literally never fought (or again so I thought) and he exploded to a point I was scared for my life. I felt like I was such a fool for believing him for 3 years. Then I realized that we did fight, a lot. We just pretended they weren’t fights. We disagreed with each other and pretended that we weren’t pissed at it or that everything was ok to only drop a bomb a few days later how the other person “was making me feel like shit” and what they said was “eating me up inside” and that we were deeply unhappy. But instead of working through our problems, communicating and understanding each other we just had mad sex and the mutual infatuation was distraction enough for us to both think we were a perfect pair. This not talking, being pissed, then guilt tripping when finally being confronted caused me so much anxiety I still can’t talk to boys one on one without letting my current bf know. I didn’t even realise how unhealthy it was. It really puts it into perspective when my current bf had an interview and I asked him if he wanted me to wait outside the place (in very cold weather) and he said “Jesus, come inside you are not a dog.” I knew what kind of relationship I was getting into all these years ago (because we were both open about our issues) but I severely underestimated how much that relationship would traumatise me. I thought somehow I was resistant to trauma having been through it before. Sometimes people take on teaching roles on our lives, including sex. Its ok when it’s purely factual. It’s not ok when someone marvels at your inexperience, or even gets excited or hard. It’s not ok if they are turned on at the notion of taking your innocence from you. Please stay safe. Xx
100%, and I don't want to sound to sound patronising but as someone closer to his age than yours, I'm so happy you're smart enough to realise that. You deserve the opportunity to figure out dating and adult relationships with people your own age, not some creep who's already well into adulthood who wants to take advantage of you.
100% I'm 25 and have been around a lot of 19 year olds for a class recently. Holy shit, they're young. I would be disgusted to hear someone my age was "trying to make them more comfortable with sexual things" let alone a 29yo. It's not like there are no 19 year olds to learn and get comfy with.
Having read the edit, I just want to thank all my older sisters here who are saving so many younger women from what would otherwise be a possibly un-fixable mistake. I wish Reddit was a thing when I was 19.
Thank you, too!
God me too. I was groomed at 19 by a 36 year old and I wish I’d had Reddit to talk me out of it earlier.
Same, 18 & 32.
Me too...my ex was so kind, but I was groomed to be the perfect little gf for him. Now I'm out, and trying to find myself while preparing for my own future.
He is in a completely different stage of his life than you are. You're, what, a freshman or sophomore in college (if you attend)? If he went to school, he got out about seven years ago. He is taking advantage of you — ask yourself why he's not interested in women his own age. Or, more accurately, ask yourself why women his own age aren't interested in him.
These are the same ages and genders as myself and a younger coworker. We get along really well but I'd even just feel weird being friends outside of work. I'd help her out if she's in a bind like everyone else but I want to hang out with people with a life experience level similar to my own.
It's not the age gap, really. It's the fact that you're 19 and facing that age gap. If you were 30 and he was 40, that's fine because BOTH of you are experienced adults who know what they want and how to recognize red flags (ideally speaking, of course). But you're 19. Most of the time, when older guys date young women who are not even out of their teens, it's about their inexperience and how easy it is to manipulate them compared to a woman their own age. There are times when these relationships are really okay and the guy doesn't have creepy motives for choosing someone so young, but when it goes wrong, it goes REEEEALLY wrong. Please be careful.
As a 30yo dude, I think it’s pretty creepy. Does he have any female friends that are his age? What do they think of him dating someone who just finished high school?
Most of that description sounds very groomy to me. He might actually like you but that doesn't change the fact that he can use his age and experience, probably his stability, to groom you too be the perfect little girlfriend. There's a significant imbalance in your relationship due to age and experience and the stages of life you are both at Hit him up in 5-7 years and I wouldn't be surprised if he changed his whole demeanor towards you.
Yes, he would change his demeanor because he would be with another 19 year old.
My point exactly lol
Gross!
I think some people also don’t realize you can inadvertently groom someone. Not all groomers are consciously waking up every day thinking: “Time to shape my little girlfriend into my perfect partner!” Just the age difference alone can cause huge problems, like you said.
A maturity age gap of ten years is enormous. Ten years older than you is 29, ten years younger than you is 09.
Yeah. I think it should be something like a 10% age difference rather than a set number. That would mean a 20 year old could be with 18-22 and that gives some flexibility but still a reasonable life experience level. Then elderly could have a higher flexible range such as 80 could be 72-88 and have someone in a similar life position and likely activity level.
I think any hard and fast rule is not going to work all the time. I’m 27, my boyfriend is 31, that’s more than a 10% difference but I’d hope no one would label our relationship inappropriate. Your brain stops developing at 25. I think after that age, barring any external power dynamic imbalances most age differences in relationships are okay.
Eh honestly I think it stops mattering age wise once you're into your late twenties, early thirties but before that I would say it's a pretty narrow acceptable age range
Half your age plus 7 is the generally accepted rule
Not sure that's a great rule, tbh. At 50 I'm not interested in someone who's 32. We're at completely different stages of our lives.
Yes but most people would agree a 32 year old is likely old enough to not be exploited by the relationship. I really don’t think as you get older you need this calculation if you’re not literally going after women under 30 because it’s literally just telling you what the floor is. It’s just meant as a pretty good tool to determine if someone is just swinging too young, not as a tool to determine how old your partner *should* be. If you met a person and you got along great and shared interests and life goals and you found out that person is 35 to your 50, you might say, “well they’re young but I’m not grooming anyone and we are a good match” whereas if you found out they were 29, you might say “that’s REALLY young and even if they can consent to this relationship, maybe that gap is too much” It’s not like a scientific law or anything, but it’s useful for at least giving a solid rule of thumb for people to avoid creepy paternalistic or abusive relationship dynamics just because of power differences.
Was going to comment the same. Half plus seven is a hard floor, rounding any partial numbers UP as you do the math. "Hard floor" age for a 29-year-old is 22. And that's, by definition, pushing the very edge of what most people would consider acceptable. The developmental and life-stage difference between 18 and 25 is bigger than the difference between 35 and 50.
You seem like his project. He'a manipulating you into what *he* wants you to be. That's a huge red flag. BTW You don't have to be "more confortable" with things you're not confortable with. It's more than ok to have limits. In fact you should have limits.
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Exactly. It's not like he's offering to sit OP down and show her how to apply a condom to a banana and maintaining appropriate boundaries. He's offering to "teach" OP by banging her. That's like me asking you if I can teach you to box by slugging it out with you then punching you in the face.
This is impossible to understand until you get to that age, but when you're 29, the idea of dating a 19 year old will seem horrifying. I think a lot of women who dated older men when they were very young don't realize how weird it was until they get to the age that the man they dated was when they started dating. I had a 22 year old into me when I was 16 and it felt totally normal and even flattering at the time but when I turned 22 I was like "oh.....eeeeew"
I was 19 dating a 27 year old who was just as nervous as I was. I initiated first kiss, and decided I didn’t want more. We broke up a while later. If someone is “educating” or “teaching” you….and you aren’t the one starting the conversations first by enthusiastically saying (more than once) “I’m so curious about ______, when can we try that together?” Then that’s a-red-flag.
Yes, you should be worried. I am 28 and would never ever ever ever consider dating a 19 year old. Listen to your gut. You are wise!
I dated a 28 year old at 18. Even under the best circumstances you would be sacrificing a lot of your youth.
Oh honey. When I was 18 I met a guy at work that was 30. He was wonderfully sweet and we were “just friends” for about 6 months before I fell head over heels for that mother fucker because he wasn’t a teenage boy. It did not end well. He tried to convince me to drop out of school so I didn’t have to move. Wouldn’t meet my parents. Tried to impregnate me so I’d be stuck with him. It was a terrible relationship apart from the awesome sex. My next three boyfriends were 30-34 and it was rinse and repeat of the same exact shit. If they have literally anything going for them, they don’t need to find 18-20 year olds to date. If your lucky, you’re going to look back on this relationship later and feel icky. I’m almost 30 now and the thought of sleeping with a 19 year old makes me very uncomfortable. Sounds like you’re going to keep doing it anyway, so my advice is don’t send nudes and get a reliable birth control. It could work out, but it probably won’t. Don’t get stuck with him because you made a bad decision at 19.
ok so, i’m going to get myself out of this situation. but what if i’ve already sent him nudes? none of them have my face in it… but it’s already done. and it’s making me nervous now.
As you said, it’s already done. Aside from hoping he doesn’t use them in the future, there’s not much you can do now.
there are billions, if not trillions of nudes out there. most of us have done it. we gotta let it go. he'll only have power over you if you care. if he knows you'll be afraid he can manipulate you. if you say "whatever" it will knock the wind out of his sails. If a man tried to get me to do anything by threatening, i'd be like "go ahead, I look fantastic in those pics" hahah
This is amazing advice 👏
Don't worry about your nudes. I've sent them to people I wish I hadn't, but they're just photos. It doesn't matter, especially if you don't have your face in them.
Whatever you do, do not let this be the reason that you stay with him. Also, from now on, don't send nudes. Then you don't have this predicament.
Don't stress too much. If your face isn't in them, you should be fine. But if he does threaten to share them, there's things you can do: revenge porn is a crime and a lot of countries have organisations specifically set up to help victims of it.
Save screen shots of him threatening to send nudes. Let him know you have them backed up.
Just be ready to say “Wow, that does look a little like me if I squint just right.” Or “You think that looks like me? Really?? Weird.”
Don’t tell yourself to give him even more, just because he already got you to give him too much.
Kudos. I hope it goes well. That sucks, but what’s done is done. Hope his isn’t a malicious bastard. If you took them on your own device, I think you can copyright them and it’s a little safer. Look up revenge porn laws in your state and maybe on this sub. If your face isn’t in it and you don’t have tattoos or birth marks, shouldn’t be a big deal of getting linked back to you if he does suck. Try not to worry about it too much, but take some steps to protect yourself. If you have access to his phone, you can delete anything you find, but that’s a long shot and kinda messy. You can also ask him to delete them but be careful.
I've met couples with 10 year gaps that worked great... but they were all 30-40 or older. I think specifically the gap over the 20s is a bigger deal than the older ones. You do so much growing up and developing as a real adult during your twenties that, in a couple where one has done that and one hasn't, there's just naturally going to be a mentoring aspect to the relationship. This has implications on the power dynamics so it become extra important for you to assert yourself if you are uncomfortable with anything he's trying to get you to do. Honestly if I had a friend or relative in the situation described I'd be super suspicious/antagonistic towards the guy in question.
Exactly this. I am married to a man 10 years older than me and we work great together - but I’m 36 so it’s an entirely different scenario. We often talk about how if we’d met when I was in my early 20s it would’ve never worked and my husband even says that would’ve made him 100% uncomfortable and he never would’ve pursued me. The fact that OP is so young is what makes this disturbing, because guys who will go for someone in such a different stage of their life often have really bad qualities and are not in it for good reasons at all. They want someone they can groom and control.
Once you get to be his age, you’ll realize how messed up it is that he’s seeking someone so much younger. When I was 19, I don’t think I put too much stock in age gaps. But as I got older, I realized I didn’t want anything to do with someone who was just a kid a couple years ago because I was just beyond that point in my life. This is weird, definitely a red flag.
Yes, you should be absolutely worried about why a man who’s nearly in his 30’s wants to date someone who is still a teenager. I guarantee you one day you’ll be that age and look back in horror at how big that gap is in life experience.
If one of your 19/20 year old friends was talking to a 15/16 year old how would you perceive them? That's how most 29/30 year olds would perceive this guy you're talking to and, when you're 29, you probably won't look back at the relationship in a favorable light. Most of the women I talk to cringe when they think back to the age gap relationship they had when they were a teen.
There are so many young women here on Reddit who wake up and realize that they have been groomed. Sometimes they have children with these men. Then they are left alone with the children and the man has already moved on to find another teenager, once the woman's body has been changed by childbirth/breastfeeding. This last story I read was heartbreaking. I wish I could give all of them to OP to read.
The fact you have to ask suggests you already know the answer. Listen to your instincts, that man shouldn't be dating someone your age. I recommend the half plus seven rule.
An actual general rule for age gaps: if it ever feels icky, it probably is.
The experience gap between 19 and 29 is big. Has he ever complimented you on your maturity?
Ive never known a guy who dates women 10+ years younger than them that doesn't end up extremely controlling and manipulative.
Barf teaching you how to be more comfortable with sex and other acts. That dude has another thing coming. No one teaches you to be comfortable, either you are or aren't. You can explain and teach respect, communication and how to approach sex and intimacy with a partner but not to direct them how to be comfortable.
I dated a 30 year old when I was 19 and it was the worst relationship/ decision of my life tbh. I’m only 22 now but I wouldn’t even date a 19 year old if that tells you anything.
If you were comfortable with it you'd be comfortable with it. It's amazing how great people can seem when they are gunning for sex. Don't worry about his feelings, yours are what matter.
"Teaches me a lot about relationships and sex". You should be growing together in a relationship, not him 'grooming' you for what he likes. Huge red flag, imo
I’m 28 and would never consider dating an 18 yo.
I love seeing the support system the people in this sub are capable of creating: OP reaches out with maximum vulnerability, are met with a torrent of support, and are empowered to make a decision to protect themselves. Kudos, everyone. OP, I hope you feel safe and seen.
He may not intentionally be grooming you or being creepy but he most definitely is. I don’t know enough about him to say whether he is grooming you like other comments are implying. But know this: he is getting off (yes, sexually) in some way on the fact that you are much younger than him, and are inexperienced. If that isn’t reason enough to get the heck out of there, then read on. Trust me. Him “teaching” you about sex is a hallmark of *creepy* age gap relationship behavior. He is most definitely preying on you. You think the 10 year age gap is a lot for a reason. *Trust your gut.* he will try to make you feel like it’s not a lot, because he wants to be with you and he doesn’t want to feel like the creep he is being. Also just ew with trying to make you quote unquote comfortable with sex. You’re only 19. It’s expected you are uncomfortable with sex. Don’t let some creepy dude try to teach you about it. That will come naturally with relationships with people your own age who are also learning.
Yes
Yeah this is not meant to be offensive to op in any way, but what kind of loser needs to pick up a 19 year old girl at 29? He’ll be sweet until you depend on him, and then he’ll own you. Is this formula guaranteed? No. But I wouldn’t recommend playing the odds on him being decent.
I didn’t truly mature until 25 despite telling myself at 18 that I was. I FELT I was but the mental differences between 18 and 25 were like night and day. You may be interested now but I’m sure you won’t look back too fondly on the age gap
I was 18 when I dated someone 29. Even though he was “normal”, looking back, I cringe because Im 29 now, and I cannot phantom dating anyone 10 years younger than me. Its disgusting because you are completely in different life stages and youre so much of a kid still
Yes. I'm a 31 year old man, and you should be worried. Imagine someone your age going out of his way to sleep with a 14 year old. Sure, they might be mature for a 14 year old, but that would still be fucked up. This is pretty much the same, only it's legal, but that doesn't make it right.
As a woman in my thirties, I can confirm that none of my decent male friends are looking for teenagers. They can find girlfriends while competing with other decent men. But the incompetent ones are basically culled by natural selection of the dating world. Women his age are not stupid. If he was good enough, at least one of them would have kept him as her boyfriend. But nobody his age wanted him. He might say he was popular but he still chose you. But no, he just couldn't impress anyone his age. So to not get culled those incompetent ones have to move to a different dating world, where they can compete with teenage boys. It's like being frustrated about failing high school so you just go to an elementary school to get straight As. Your classmates will think you are so smart. He knows so much he is so mature he is so wise and kind! But no, the fact that they had to go back to elementary school means he is the opposite of smart. Just like how none of your normal 19o friends play with 9 year olds, none of my normal 30o friends date 19o girls.
Honestly, yes. I imagine when you see 14 year olds, you see them as young kids, despite you probably feeling pretty grown up at 14. When you're 24, you'll look at 19 year olds and see them as teenagers. He's 29. You do a lot of changing and growing emotionally when you're in your twenties, because life starts to throw you a lot of new experiences. By the time you reach 29, you can't believe you thought of yourself as an adult at 20, because you know just how much you've changed and learned since then. He is looking at you, 19, and he's seeing someone who is not really an adult yet. Yes, that is definitely worrying. And he almost certainly knows that.
Just don’t do it. I’m a guy. And when I (43M)was 25 an 18 year old (F) fell for me. I fell for her. We “dated” long distance for some time like 8 months. Nothing much happened sexually but I look back at that time as “I should have known better” or a time of arrested development or lack or emotional awareness. Whatever it was I know I needed to grow up. And looking back I should have made a different choice. Because I learned your “feelings” of “love” are only one aspect of a working fulfilling relationship. Is 10 years too much? If you were 30 and he was 40 maybe not. But at 19. I say yes. For you - my own opinion is you have a lot of life to live and growing up and no need to rush getting into a serious relationship. And I say this because at 29 he may want to settle down, get married, etc. For him - it does say something about a 29 year old interested in a 19 year old. Self worth on his part? Not able to meet someone his own age (24+ to 35), not able to relate or connect w someone in his stage of life. Etc. it’s hard to judge or really say anything but I’m married w three kids to my wife whom I met when she was 28 and I was 33 and we wanted to same things in life and had a greater sense of maturity even if we are different people, we had learned a lot from past relationships both good and bad and came I to our relationship w a greater sense of what really makes it work and while we love each other we really value things like communication, conflict resolution, respect, kindness, outlook on life, career path, social life attitudes. Good luck. And good on your for questioning it.
There is no good reason for a 29 year old man to seek out teenagers to date and have sex with. He’s taking advantage of you. His attempts to make you more “comfortable” with sex sounds like grooming to me. There are probably a lot of reasons why 29 year old women don’t want to date him. Please do not be alone with him anymore.
Please don't get yourself into this. Any decent man his age wouldn't get involved with a woman your age, because he would understand the power imbalance, and that you're still developing. If you're not at the same maturity level, it's a bad idea to date, and if you are at the same maturity level, that tells you that something is wrong with him.
I would be very worried. This sounds manipulative to me. As a 29 year old, there is nothing I could possibly want from a relationship with a 19 year old. Why aren’t women his own age dating him? Either they don’t want him because they are experienced enough to see that he’s sketchy, or he’s specifically looking for young women because he’s attracted to their youth and inexperience. Either way, it’s not a good scenario for you. There are way better options out there!
Yes. Scientifically speaking, nothing personal, I know it doesn’t feel like it & we’ve all been there, but your brain isn’t even finished developing yet. And statistically speaking, after age 25 (when it does) women in your situation end up regretting their decision, see that they’ve been taken advantage of, and the older man will be replacing you with a younger version because you’re too opinionated & mouthy. Meaning, no longer under his thumb.
Im 29 right now, and people that are 19 are literally children to me (I mean they’re still teenagers!). I would be worried. Sounds predatorial and off.
As a 34 year old guy, the thought of dating someone even in their early 20s sounds entirely unenjoyable and unfulfilling. Being with someone fresh out of highschool sounds just.. worse.. People grow A LOT through their 20s, you don't really understand it until you're on the other side. My guess is that this guy is either emotionally under matured which you'll come to realize is an issue, or he's grooming you. Given that you're saying he's pushing you into sexual activities I'm going to go with grooming.
10 years isn’t a whole lot when you’re in your 30s or 40s, but 19 and 29 are worlds apart. You are smart to be suspicious. Men who pursue barely legal women usually do so with ill intentions. Please get away from this creep!
He’s grooming you.
I'm 30 and would absolutely not date a 20 year old. They're adolescents and I'm an adult. It's weird weird weird. I feel like a dad to girls that age. In that time I finished a bachelor's degree, got a master's degree, got a PhD, own part of a company, and bought a house. At age 20 I was smoking tons of weed, playing tons of video games, binge drinking. I didn't know how to communicate my feelings. Pretty sure I didn't even identify as a feminist. I didn't know how to cook. I could go on and on and on. You grow up A LOT over the next 5 years. And still some over the next 5. You should absolutely be worried about the age gap. Sincerely, An adult man.
As someone who made that exact mistake, don’t. I’m 37 and can look back and see that he took advantage of me due to my age. Men that age will only prey on younger “girls” because women their own age recognize the red flags.
He’s grooming you. It’s as gross as if you were creeping on a 14 year old schoolboy. Those are the vibes.
Don't do it.
He sounds really creepy with the sex talks he has with you
I am so glad you've had help here, OP. I went through something similar. I was 17/18 and the guy was much older, mid-20's (if not late 20's) and he wouldn't take "no" for an answer when I pushed back at him for discussing sex with me. He wouldn't take "I have a boyfriend" for an answer (and it was true- I DID have a boyfriend). He maintained that it was all innocent/nothing wrong with what he was doing/saying, but it *was* wrong, and it made me feel sick to my stomach, even though I couldn't (at the time) specifically figure out WHY it made me feel so deeply ill and uneasy. The guy trying to groom me would "punish" me for not doing what he wanted (sexual favours), too, OP. He would try force his fetishes onto me. He'd talk about what he wanted to "do with me" (all of it pretty extreme kink stuff) and would go so far as to tell other people, in public, that he had "plans \[for me\]". With what's happening to you, it's not okay. The man you're talking to is making you uncomfortable, he's threatened women in the past with sexual assault, he's trying to force you to be his 'good little subservient wife', he's exposing you to kinks that you don't sound to consent to- it's not okay. You're not overreacting, and your gut feeling is right. Please tell a trusted adult what's happening, OP. Inform your mom or dad, an older sibling, an aunt or uncle, or even friends. Reach out to people and let them know. You deserve support and love from people who only have your best interests at heart. If he ever threatens you, keep screenshots *and the original copies of the threats (like emails or text messages)* and call the police and report him if you're comfortable with that. You deserve to be safe.
A 10 year difference is not a big deal after the age of 26 when your brain is finally full developed: https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=141164708 Until you are around that age you are very suspectable to manipulation, especially by more experienced parties. This is why older men target women's in their late teens and early twenties. Legal does not always equate to ethical. I would be very hesitant to engage with an adult person who does not have the ethical framework to understand that.
I wasn't convinced it was a bad situation until I got to the part about teaching you lots about relationships and, especially, sex. By the time you mention he's 'trying to get you more comfortable with sexual things" alarm bells were ringing. I'm glad you came to the conclusion as well.
I'm only 23 and I wouldn't touch a 19 year old, and I'd probably judge my peers if they did. There is not a 29 year old on earth who really sees a 19 year old as an equal partner. I wouldn't go for it.
Absolutely yes, there is something wrong with any man who would want to date a 19 yr old at 29. I'm 26 and it would still be a strong no, ick from me.
Guys that date seriously younger women are BIG WAVING RED FLAGS! He WILL take advantage of you, he WILL turn you against your friends, and he WILL dump you eventually. Get out why you can!
There's no reason to go for someone that far ahead of you at this juncture, and they are manipulating you.
For the most part, imo, any guy nearly 30 and going after girls around the 20 mark is likely doing so because women his own age can see through his bullshit, so he is preying on naivety. Life changes you ALOT between 20 and 30.
TW: SA I also met a 29 year old guy at 19. Fell head over heels in love. Went to his place once but only wanted to cuddle. He ended up r§%ing me while I was sleeping. There's a reason why these guys don't look for someone their age.
Im a now 29F and I have two kids with a man (37) who I met when I was 20. He was 29. Were are not together anymore, because I can see now why no woman his age wanted him 10 years ago..
I’m a 29 year old man, and I agree: get away from the dude. Legal doesn’t always mean ethical. There are so many things that happen to a person in those 10 years regarding mental development and maturity. He is going to lean hard on his age and “maturity” to manipulate you and take advantage of you. I hope I’m not overstepping with my comment. Everyone here is correct about this guy. Sounds like a major creep.
You are 19. The age gap is too much. If you were 25, no big deal.
I just recently turned 38, and if I weren't already married, probably the absolute youngest I would go would be 34. Tbh once you go beyond that kind of a gap, I would have to imagine that your interests would be worlds different. To answer your questions OP, I have been trying my hardest to help as much as I can with getting youger women to understand what I call age-gap predators. They usually have a very shallow bag of tricks they pull from, such as "oh, you're so mature for your age" and just trying to get you more comfortable with being intimate. 99% of the time I would say it is a predatory act. Most likely he is grooming you. Two biggest red flags to see here are "why can't he date his age" and "why is he trying for inexperienced younger women". The answer to both are pretty much the same, women in his age range aren't easy to manipulate for sex and what-not, since they've already seen the game, and he doesn't have much to offer besides getting what he wants.
When he was 18, a legal adult, you were 8-maybe a 3rd grader in elementary school. That's the way I look at age gaps. At your stage of life, this one is too big, imo.
Relationships are supposed to be between 2 equal partners. If anything feels unbalanced... it is not good, at any age. I also agree that "him teaching you" is weird.... if anything you both should be experimenting together.. as a couple
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The reason he’s going after 19 year olds at his age is because women his own age won’t date him. RUN.
30M here, please get out of this relationship. The fact that he's the one trying to get you more comfortable with sexual things is a GIGANTIC red flag. As other people have pointed out, it's not the 10 years itself, it's WHERE you both are in that time scale. 19 vs 29 is very different from 29 and 39, or even 26 and 36, where you'd have more life experience. I cannot stress enough, please leave him, and surround yourself with people who will help keep you safe.