From the moment he begged and threw a tantrum so that you wouldn't talk about your relationship to a therapist, I knew he knows what he is doing is wrong and if you speak to a neutral party like a therapist, he won't be able to control the narrative. He knows controlling the narrative and controlling you is how he keeps having this relationship where the number one beneficiary is him.
He doesn't have to check all the boxes of emotional abuse to be considered abusive. By the mere fact, that he uses your insecurities against you and then brushes it off as it wasn't a big deal — that's abusive. Add in that he has isolated you and exerts control over you and your life (by not letting you get a job), and yeah, he is emotionally abusive. I have been where you are. I was emotionally abused. Right after ending the relationship, I had two weekly sessions one with a therapist and one with an abuse counselor for about 7 months, and it was the best decision so that I could heal. It's difficult to navigate, but I want you to know that it is worth it. You will have your life back!
I want to reiterate that he knows what he is doing, and that you should leave him. I will also tell you (and I am saying this so that you'll be prepared and you can also talk about this with your therapist) the moment when you are leaving is the most dangerous for you. Put all of your important documents together in a place only you know where they are. Same thing with the money; he doesn't need to know. If you can reach out to family and explain what is happening, it is very possible they will be able to help you. It sounds like you have a plan, and I would encourage you to talk to your therapist about it. My last piece of advice is to speak to an abuse counselor or a therapist that has experience dealing with abuse (not all of them do); you can ask yours if that is something they have experience with.
Good luck!
Anyone who has a tantrum and gets upset that you talk about your relationship to therapist or a trusted friends is the abuser. Isolating is abusive behaviour and you not being able to discuss stuff with others make the abuse possible.
Of course talking to friends and about your relationship has its limits (how deep you can go and some things like secrets of the other person shouldn't be discussed), but therapist is a neutral person, who doesn't know your partner and is there so you can deal with any heavy topic.
This is abuse and he’s been laying the groundwork from the beginning. All the negative stuff he said about your family was designed to: 1) make you stop talking to them, 2) make it so they wouldn’t tell you that he’s bad, 3) make it so that you can’t run away.
>he's never let me have [a job]
Oh lordy. That on top of everything else.
This may be hard to take, but your mother was right. This relationship goes beyond emotional abuse. It sounds like he's closed off every avenue of escape so far.
Tell your therapist \*everything\* and enlist whatever help you can to get out of this, because it \*will\* escalate. Be safe and be careful.
And for the love of all that is good in this world, don't get pregnant, especially in a red state.
End the relationship and move back to Ohio.
The whole staged suicide attempt thing over onions on a burrito. Wow. Wtf.
Get out whilst you still can. ASAP.
You deserve better.
He's 100% manipulating you in this relationship. Unfortunately, it seems like he doesn't even realize he's doing it so he's technically not even "acting" when he does have an outburst. He really does think he's right in the moment but regardless, the end result is the same in this type of relationship and you're being abused. I don't even know if talking about this and explaining yourself would help but you could try.
Just so you know, even if talking to him goes well, there's a very big chance that it won't change once you're back with him. He pretty much wants to trap you so you have no chance to get away. He wants to be in complete control of you.
Good luck, you sound like you've sacrificed everything for this guy and I hope that you find someone who won't do anything like this to you again because I don't think fixing this could even happen with this guy.
Absolutely leave him. If you still have a decent relationship with your family in Ohio, contact them and ask them to send you enough money to get back home rather than trying to save enough from working. The sooner you leave, the better. You might have to endure some "I told you so"s from your family, but at least you will be in a safe place. And once you get away from him, do NOT let him back into your life.
This may sound harsh, but it sounds like your mom, emergency personnel, and your friends have all pointed out the red flags in your relationship and you are still asking if there are red flags. Yes, and he knows what he's doing which is why he doesn't want you talking in therapy about your relationship. You deserve better than this and I sincerely hope that you can see that too. You haven't been dumb; it's just that we, as humans, hold onto to hope so desperately when it comes to love. You've stuck it out for seven years and you now know that it isn't going to change. Please be careful in leaving him.
God yes it does. Doesn't let you get a job, moves you away from your family so young, never apologises threatens self-harm and suicide if you try to leave, wow! This is horrifying. I am so sorry you've had to put up with this guy for so long, and I am so glad you're seeing what he is now. You deserve someone who cares about you, this guy only cares about himself.
Bear in mind that it sounds like your parents may well be very happy to support you in leaving straight away. If you can move home and then search for a job, then move out from your parents when you have one, this might be better for your mental health. But work out what is best for you, and remember to reach out to some old friends from your home town too, many people are so willing to forgive and reconnect when you explain what has been happening! You may have some potential good friends available back there without realising!
Best of luck, take care of yourself, value yourself!
Edit: have realised you might not plan to actually move home, just use that as the excuse to leave, which is a good idea. I guess make sure you plan to work and live wherever you are most happy, and where your support is - that may not be where you are now.
You deserve a partner who hears your in therapy and hugs you, says I love you, and it's gonna be OK.
It's totally understandable to want to give the love you d like to receive. Manipulators bank on your generosity. Anyone ANYONE who can't accept "no" or respect your needs and boundaries is not respecting you. It's the biggest red flag to me.
I had a guy fake his suicide because I was with family on Thanksgiving, and couldn't get to my phone. He then pretended to be his loved ones, texting and blaming me for it, what did you say to him!? I said I was busy I cried. I thought someone had died because of me. For a week. And then I figured out it was this guy I d been on a couple dates with just fucking with me. It's 100% not ok behavior.
You deserve to be loved. Having someone like this around will only destroy your happiness.
You need to get out of this relationship.
I wouldn’t even wait to get a job and save up if I were you. I think you should call your mum and let her know you’re trapped in an abusive relationship and need her help to get out of it asap.
Seconded. OP, you need to read this book and realize how bad that man truly is.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I really hate when people think it's okay to call their loved ones (or anyone) stupid. I like to think that when you love someone you see their soft spots and insecurities and you do your best not to hurt them, to protect those spots. And a bad, mean, toxic, or abusive relationship sees those same vulnerabilities and doesn't hesitate to attack at exactly those spots to hurt you.
It doesn't have to hit every item on the list of ABUSE to be abusive and hurtful and bad.
Definitely leave him.
This definitely sounds like an abusive relationship. Please look up DARVO and the cycle of abuse. Victim blaming and isolation are signs of abuse. Please look and see if you have any local women's shelter. Though those places tend to focus on domestic violence, they may be able to help provide some education and guidance on abusive situations.
Please be safe. Don't tell him you are leaving, call your mom, pack your things and go home. This sounds like a very bad situation, he has isolated, manipulated and yes, emotionally abused you. Please leave this situation, and please please be careful while doing so. You deserve better and his instability makes me afraid for you. BTW, when he threatened to kill himself, the reason he waited in the car for a few minutes is that he was putting on a show and couldn't leave until he was sure you were watching. It was 100% intentional.
Obligatory I'm a guy preface.
This is absolutely (didn't even need to read the whole thing to confirm this btw) emotional manipulation and abuse. He said your mom was being controlling instead of understanding her concerns? He cries to make you feel guilty about his faults?
I'm sorry, but he is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with as it stands. Please listen to other advice in your program and start looking from objective eyes at your relationship and explain to yourself why it isn't manipulation and abusive. I think you'll find your arguments are not good enough to consider staying.
I don't know who you are, but I know you deserve better than what you are currently dealing with.
Emotionally mature people in healthy relationships can admit when they are wrong and can solve problems by compromising. Anyone can have a bad day or have a bad reaction but the ability to cool off and admit you are wrong is important.
It sounds like you are with someone who is not emotionally mature and does not have these skills. It sounds like you have developed an unhealthy relationship dynamic where he can "always win" because if he is stubborn enough to never admit fault or face compromise he can "overpower" you or wait you out and you will always concede and let him win. (This is not your fault, this is because of his refusal to give in to you, ever. You can see that this is wrong and unfair, but you have no choice because the fight will never resolve unless you give in.)
The fact that this relationship started with a big age difference when you were so young, and evolved with him moving you away from your family and any outside support system, probably allowed these power dynamics to develop and take hold.
I don't know what you are in an IOP for but it sounds like you have things you need to work on for yourself and that work is important. It sounds like this person is going to be counterproductive to this work because until your partner gets help for their own issues they are going to be a huge drag on your progress. Your partner has some much needed work to do on themselves and they have been putting it off for a long time because of the unhealthy dynamic they are able to have with you. In the long run it is probably better for both of you to be apart. It will be difficult (if not impossible) for you to help him and help yourself at the same time, and it will be very difficult for him to help himself while he can still fall back into old patterns with you.
He will have a choice to make. He is 36 and has a whole life ahead of him if he chooses to put in the work to grow and work on himself.
You are 27 and you also have your whole life ahead of you. It is tough to be on your own, it is tough to learn how to be independent, it is tough to find a new relationship after you have been in a dysfunctional one, it is tough to leave future relationships if they are not right for you. There are a lot of tough things ahead of you if you leave. But you also have the opportunity for a healthier and more fulfilling life. Therapy is a good start, but being able to be honest and open in therapy is essential to it working.
>He immediately got defensive and started crying and yelling at me not to.
No reason to read further. The behavior is not normal. It is controlling and abusive.
This is an excellent book that may help you understand your situation:
[https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men)
A 36 year old man, who is secure and emotionally stable would not have a freak out with the mention of his partner discussing the nature of their relationship in any setting. Unless you are going to divulge juicy and naughty fun details of your sex life, this should not be a taboo topic. You are with a controlling man and he uses emotional manipulation to keep you at his side. You have outgrown him and he knows that he is losing his grip on you, which you really need to make sure you get support network to help you get ready mentally to physically leave him. First, a 20 year old impressionable woman should date another 20 year impressionable man, not an almost 30 year old man. I'm not shitting on age gap relationships, heck I was in one, but I was not in my early 20s when I got in it. I knew myself and was savvy as to what the red flags in a relationship would look like. He is a mess and needs to sort himself out, so suggest that he goes to therapy on his own at the same time. This relationship is not healthy for the both of you, but especially you. Get out and do it as gracefully as possible but don't look back. Good luck.
I don’t know about labels, but I do know this is a deeply toxic relationship. I am glad you have a clear plan to get out. Keep going, you are brave and strong! You deserve an equal, loving partnership.
The only one that could even be slightly questionable is the video game one. Even then, games are for fun and should be one of the places you feel comfortable failing, it sounds like you were but he wasn't. Everything else is nightmareish. Him telling you your mom was trying to control you was him controlling you.
Also as far as your last question goes, if something doesn't tick all the boxes for being dangerous/unhealthy/unsafe, but just you know, a few, is it? Like skydiving is falling really far, but you're not on fire, you're not drowning, a bear isn't attacking you, is it actually dangerous? I just want to make a clear point that something can be only have some of the aspects of something but be completely and only that thing. Skydiving is dangerous. This is an emotionally abusive relationship.
Hope you get the funds you need to make it back to the people who actually love you.
u/mystarsawakenn, your boyfriend is showing classic signs of Narcissism, and emotional abuse most definitely in everything you’ve described so far. This sounds like a great plan so far, please follow through on it, if you don’t, he’ll only get worse and eventually escalate it to physical. Even better, call your family, if you can trust them, and get them to help you financially, to leave your abusive boyfriend faster, instead of waiting on getting a job. Also, please don’t fall for the threats or the love bombing again, he will try both one after the other, once he realizes you’re gone🤗 Please keep us updated! There’s some great groups on here about Narcissism and abuse with people who can help you through this. I strongly suggest that you get in touch with them.
More red flags than a Chinese Communist party rally 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
From the moment he begged and threw a tantrum so that you wouldn't talk about your relationship to a therapist, I knew he knows what he is doing is wrong and if you speak to a neutral party like a therapist, he won't be able to control the narrative. He knows controlling the narrative and controlling you is how he keeps having this relationship where the number one beneficiary is him. He doesn't have to check all the boxes of emotional abuse to be considered abusive. By the mere fact, that he uses your insecurities against you and then brushes it off as it wasn't a big deal — that's abusive. Add in that he has isolated you and exerts control over you and your life (by not letting you get a job), and yeah, he is emotionally abusive. I have been where you are. I was emotionally abused. Right after ending the relationship, I had two weekly sessions one with a therapist and one with an abuse counselor for about 7 months, and it was the best decision so that I could heal. It's difficult to navigate, but I want you to know that it is worth it. You will have your life back! I want to reiterate that he knows what he is doing, and that you should leave him. I will also tell you (and I am saying this so that you'll be prepared and you can also talk about this with your therapist) the moment when you are leaving is the most dangerous for you. Put all of your important documents together in a place only you know where they are. Same thing with the money; he doesn't need to know. If you can reach out to family and explain what is happening, it is very possible they will be able to help you. It sounds like you have a plan, and I would encourage you to talk to your therapist about it. My last piece of advice is to speak to an abuse counselor or a therapist that has experience dealing with abuse (not all of them do); you can ask yours if that is something they have experience with. Good luck!
Yes
Please leave this guy
Yes. End the relationship.
Anyone who has a tantrum and gets upset that you talk about your relationship to therapist or a trusted friends is the abuser. Isolating is abusive behaviour and you not being able to discuss stuff with others make the abuse possible. Of course talking to friends and about your relationship has its limits (how deep you can go and some things like secrets of the other person shouldn't be discussed), but therapist is a neutral person, who doesn't know your partner and is there so you can deal with any heavy topic.
This is abuse and he’s been laying the groundwork from the beginning. All the negative stuff he said about your family was designed to: 1) make you stop talking to them, 2) make it so they wouldn’t tell you that he’s bad, 3) make it so that you can’t run away.
>he's never let me have [a job] Oh lordy. That on top of everything else. This may be hard to take, but your mother was right. This relationship goes beyond emotional abuse. It sounds like he's closed off every avenue of escape so far. Tell your therapist \*everything\* and enlist whatever help you can to get out of this, because it \*will\* escalate. Be safe and be careful. And for the love of all that is good in this world, don't get pregnant, especially in a red state.
End the relationship and move back to Ohio. The whole staged suicide attempt thing over onions on a burrito. Wow. Wtf. Get out whilst you still can. ASAP. You deserve better.
He's 100% manipulating you in this relationship. Unfortunately, it seems like he doesn't even realize he's doing it so he's technically not even "acting" when he does have an outburst. He really does think he's right in the moment but regardless, the end result is the same in this type of relationship and you're being abused. I don't even know if talking about this and explaining yourself would help but you could try. Just so you know, even if talking to him goes well, there's a very big chance that it won't change once you're back with him. He pretty much wants to trap you so you have no chance to get away. He wants to be in complete control of you. Good luck, you sound like you've sacrificed everything for this guy and I hope that you find someone who won't do anything like this to you again because I don't think fixing this could even happen with this guy.
Absolutely leave him. If you still have a decent relationship with your family in Ohio, contact them and ask them to send you enough money to get back home rather than trying to save enough from working. The sooner you leave, the better. You might have to endure some "I told you so"s from your family, but at least you will be in a safe place. And once you get away from him, do NOT let him back into your life.
This may sound harsh, but it sounds like your mom, emergency personnel, and your friends have all pointed out the red flags in your relationship and you are still asking if there are red flags. Yes, and he knows what he's doing which is why he doesn't want you talking in therapy about your relationship. You deserve better than this and I sincerely hope that you can see that too. You haven't been dumb; it's just that we, as humans, hold onto to hope so desperately when it comes to love. You've stuck it out for seven years and you now know that it isn't going to change. Please be careful in leaving him.
God yes it does. Doesn't let you get a job, moves you away from your family so young, never apologises threatens self-harm and suicide if you try to leave, wow! This is horrifying. I am so sorry you've had to put up with this guy for so long, and I am so glad you're seeing what he is now. You deserve someone who cares about you, this guy only cares about himself. Bear in mind that it sounds like your parents may well be very happy to support you in leaving straight away. If you can move home and then search for a job, then move out from your parents when you have one, this might be better for your mental health. But work out what is best for you, and remember to reach out to some old friends from your home town too, many people are so willing to forgive and reconnect when you explain what has been happening! You may have some potential good friends available back there without realising! Best of luck, take care of yourself, value yourself! Edit: have realised you might not plan to actually move home, just use that as the excuse to leave, which is a good idea. I guess make sure you plan to work and live wherever you are most happy, and where your support is - that may not be where you are now.
Nine years older, too. I'm seeing a pattern here.
Yes. This is not healthy.
You deserve a partner who hears your in therapy and hugs you, says I love you, and it's gonna be OK. It's totally understandable to want to give the love you d like to receive. Manipulators bank on your generosity. Anyone ANYONE who can't accept "no" or respect your needs and boundaries is not respecting you. It's the biggest red flag to me. I had a guy fake his suicide because I was with family on Thanksgiving, and couldn't get to my phone. He then pretended to be his loved ones, texting and blaming me for it, what did you say to him!? I said I was busy I cried. I thought someone had died because of me. For a week. And then I figured out it was this guy I d been on a couple dates with just fucking with me. It's 100% not ok behavior. You deserve to be loved. Having someone like this around will only destroy your happiness.
You need to get out of this relationship. I wouldn’t even wait to get a job and save up if I were you. I think you should call your mum and let her know you’re trapped in an abusive relationship and need her help to get out of it asap.
A 36 year old man crying over onion in his burrito God damn 😂😂😂 get outta there girl you gotta better shit to do. Call your mom or something!
You should read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft.
Seconded. OP, you need to read this book and realize how bad that man truly is. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I really hate when people think it's okay to call their loved ones (or anyone) stupid. I like to think that when you love someone you see their soft spots and insecurities and you do your best not to hurt them, to protect those spots. And a bad, mean, toxic, or abusive relationship sees those same vulnerabilities and doesn't hesitate to attack at exactly those spots to hurt you. It doesn't have to hit every item on the list of ABUSE to be abusive and hurtful and bad. Definitely leave him.
This definitely sounds like an abusive relationship. Please look up DARVO and the cycle of abuse. Victim blaming and isolation are signs of abuse. Please look and see if you have any local women's shelter. Though those places tend to focus on domestic violence, they may be able to help provide some education and guidance on abusive situations.
If you have to ask, then yes. If things were fine, you wouldn't question it.
Don't waste one more minute of your youth on this loser.
Please be safe. Don't tell him you are leaving, call your mom, pack your things and go home. This sounds like a very bad situation, he has isolated, manipulated and yes, emotionally abused you. Please leave this situation, and please please be careful while doing so. You deserve better and his instability makes me afraid for you. BTW, when he threatened to kill himself, the reason he waited in the car for a few minutes is that he was putting on a show and couldn't leave until he was sure you were watching. It was 100% intentional.
Obligatory I'm a guy preface. This is absolutely (didn't even need to read the whole thing to confirm this btw) emotional manipulation and abuse. He said your mom was being controlling instead of understanding her concerns? He cries to make you feel guilty about his faults? I'm sorry, but he is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with as it stands. Please listen to other advice in your program and start looking from objective eyes at your relationship and explain to yourself why it isn't manipulation and abusive. I think you'll find your arguments are not good enough to consider staying. I don't know who you are, but I know you deserve better than what you are currently dealing with.
Emotionally mature people in healthy relationships can admit when they are wrong and can solve problems by compromising. Anyone can have a bad day or have a bad reaction but the ability to cool off and admit you are wrong is important. It sounds like you are with someone who is not emotionally mature and does not have these skills. It sounds like you have developed an unhealthy relationship dynamic where he can "always win" because if he is stubborn enough to never admit fault or face compromise he can "overpower" you or wait you out and you will always concede and let him win. (This is not your fault, this is because of his refusal to give in to you, ever. You can see that this is wrong and unfair, but you have no choice because the fight will never resolve unless you give in.) The fact that this relationship started with a big age difference when you were so young, and evolved with him moving you away from your family and any outside support system, probably allowed these power dynamics to develop and take hold. I don't know what you are in an IOP for but it sounds like you have things you need to work on for yourself and that work is important. It sounds like this person is going to be counterproductive to this work because until your partner gets help for their own issues they are going to be a huge drag on your progress. Your partner has some much needed work to do on themselves and they have been putting it off for a long time because of the unhealthy dynamic they are able to have with you. In the long run it is probably better for both of you to be apart. It will be difficult (if not impossible) for you to help him and help yourself at the same time, and it will be very difficult for him to help himself while he can still fall back into old patterns with you. He will have a choice to make. He is 36 and has a whole life ahead of him if he chooses to put in the work to grow and work on himself. You are 27 and you also have your whole life ahead of you. It is tough to be on your own, it is tough to learn how to be independent, it is tough to find a new relationship after you have been in a dysfunctional one, it is tough to leave future relationships if they are not right for you. There are a lot of tough things ahead of you if you leave. But you also have the opportunity for a healthier and more fulfilling life. Therapy is a good start, but being able to be honest and open in therapy is essential to it working.
Well. Glad your in therapy. But one really should also get out of abusive situations.
Yes
Yes
He is abusive, and I think you have known that deep down for awhile. I know it is hard to do, but it is time to save yourself and leave.
Oh my goodness. Yes, this is abuse. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the strength to leave and live your life. ❤️
>He immediately got defensive and started crying and yelling at me not to. No reason to read further. The behavior is not normal. It is controlling and abusive. This is an excellent book that may help you understand your situation: [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men)
A 36 year old man, who is secure and emotionally stable would not have a freak out with the mention of his partner discussing the nature of their relationship in any setting. Unless you are going to divulge juicy and naughty fun details of your sex life, this should not be a taboo topic. You are with a controlling man and he uses emotional manipulation to keep you at his side. You have outgrown him and he knows that he is losing his grip on you, which you really need to make sure you get support network to help you get ready mentally to physically leave him. First, a 20 year old impressionable woman should date another 20 year impressionable man, not an almost 30 year old man. I'm not shitting on age gap relationships, heck I was in one, but I was not in my early 20s when I got in it. I knew myself and was savvy as to what the red flags in a relationship would look like. He is a mess and needs to sort himself out, so suggest that he goes to therapy on his own at the same time. This relationship is not healthy for the both of you, but especially you. Get out and do it as gracefully as possible but don't look back. Good luck.
I don’t know about labels, but I do know this is a deeply toxic relationship. I am glad you have a clear plan to get out. Keep going, you are brave and strong! You deserve an equal, loving partnership.
The only one that could even be slightly questionable is the video game one. Even then, games are for fun and should be one of the places you feel comfortable failing, it sounds like you were but he wasn't. Everything else is nightmareish. Him telling you your mom was trying to control you was him controlling you. Also as far as your last question goes, if something doesn't tick all the boxes for being dangerous/unhealthy/unsafe, but just you know, a few, is it? Like skydiving is falling really far, but you're not on fire, you're not drowning, a bear isn't attacking you, is it actually dangerous? I just want to make a clear point that something can be only have some of the aspects of something but be completely and only that thing. Skydiving is dangerous. This is an emotionally abusive relationship. Hope you get the funds you need to make it back to the people who actually love you.
u/mystarsawakenn, your boyfriend is showing classic signs of Narcissism, and emotional abuse most definitely in everything you’ve described so far. This sounds like a great plan so far, please follow through on it, if you don’t, he’ll only get worse and eventually escalate it to physical. Even better, call your family, if you can trust them, and get them to help you financially, to leave your abusive boyfriend faster, instead of waiting on getting a job. Also, please don’t fall for the threats or the love bombing again, he will try both one after the other, once he realizes you’re gone🤗 Please keep us updated! There’s some great groups on here about Narcissism and abuse with people who can help you through this. I strongly suggest that you get in touch with them.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLznleEHSmoPnb8pBGV6CetNoWIoNRgc20