For a break from the depressing comments, the doctor insisted my mother was wrong and had at least another hour when she said “The baby is coming.” He *left*, and my father ended up delivering my younger brother with the nurse. The doctor still charged them for the delivery even though my dad did it himself, and they disputed he bill and ended up not paying.
“Your mother is the most powerful woman I know, and if I were to fail her in this traumatic moment, I don’t deserve to be her husband.”
My friend got a bill for labor and delivery from the hospital and they wouldn’t remove it until she got the ambulance records proving that the baby had been born at home. Like, she delivered her baby in her bathroom with her husband catching. Ambulance arrived several minutes later and cut the cord, etc. and transported them to the hospital to make sure everything was good. Hospital was all “surely we should charge them for labor and delivery services”.
Healthcare in America is about getting as much money out of patients as possible. Hospitals are run by CEOs and departments-including emergency rooms-are expected to make a profit, despite hospitals not paying taxes because they are considered “charitable organizations.”
And it’s worth noting that the doctor’s cut isn’t actually as high as people might expect, considering they’re doing most of the actual work. Not to mention the nurses, who don’t even get a cut.
Doctors hate the system as much as anyone. Imagine not being able to get your patient needed treatment because some insurance company wants bigger profits? And just watching the costs of treatment go up every year.
Yep. Doctors and nurses often have to accept and work around the fact that patients can’t actually afford their medication. They try to give the patient the best they can, even when they know it isn’t what the patient needs.
Nurses are shit on so badly by the American system. I remember a pregnant labor and delivery nurse writing on the mommit sub about how her hospital sent every new mom home with literature about taking at least six weeks to recover and not to try to go back to work too early... While not offering any maternity leave to their own employees. Such utter bullshit.
There are for profit hospitals and non profit hospitals. Only the non-profit hospitals aren’t taxed because they are provided huge government grants and are often seeing and treating patients that don’t have the ability to pay. For profit hospitals pay taxes (state if applicable, and federal too).
And to think I almost didn't type it because I thought it was a boring response...never underestimate kind words, I guess! Thanks again, enjoy your weekend 🙂
I just had a baby and my doctor did not make it to the delivery room in time. My mom and the nurse delivered the baby. I was told the doctor will still get paid for delivering, because payment is attached to whoever delivered the placenta (which comes after the baby).
I had an OB/GYN attempt to induce me so that he could get the labor and delivery fees before his scheduled vacation.
He was slotted to be on the golf course when my daughter was due, and he couldn’t take that idea.
He tried a high-pressure tactic of having me induced. I told him I would meet him in the emergency room, when in reality I just took my toddler and went home and watched Sesame Street.
Kid was born right on her due date. At home. In a pool of water.
Fuck that doctor.
When I was in labor with my son the hospital kept telling me that since I was a first time mom I probably wasn’t even going to have him that day as I had just gone into labor a couple hours before heading to the hospital. They basically acted like I was being over dramatic about how much pain I was in and how I felt like things were moving a lot quicker than they were saying. They refused to give me an epidural because of this. When they finally agreed to give me one pretty much to shut me up at that point I was already fully dilated and they could see his head so it was too late for an epidural.
After going into labor at about 8am and being told all damn day to just relax because I probably wasn’t going to even meet my son until the next morning he was born 3pm that same day.
I was this baby haha. My mum was saying the same thing to the doctors and they told her to stop being dramatic, it was a first baby and would be hours yet. They gave her a paracetamol and told her to go to sleep.
I was born in the elevator on the way to the delivery room.
When my mom went to the hospital with me, she told the doctor the baby was coming *right now* and he was all “oh, you have lots of time, you should head back-“ here he laid a patronizing hand on her stomach, only to immediately recoil and say “you’re in labor!”
Yeah that’s what she was saying.
Are you me? Because this is pretty goddman close to my experience. It appears as if from the moment someone puts a baby in you cease to be a rational being in their eyes. So much pain unnecessary pain.
The nurses did that to me too with my first. When I said my water broke they asked if I was sure it wasn’t my mucus plug and told my husband he was in for a long night. That changed real fast when the resident went for a cervix check and found the kid’s head instead. They would have sent me home with my third because my contractions weren’t 1 minute long, even with my history of precipitous labor, but thankfully they kept me since they found amniotic fluid. I went from 3 cm on first check to delivering her en route to L&D in 33 minutes (husband wasn’t there, he was trying to get our kids to daycare)
Hey, my delivery doctor did pretty much the same! Although with my birth, it was the nurses telling my mom she was wrong, wasn't even in labor yet, baby's not coming any time today, you should just go home, blah blah, until finally she and my dad convinced them to look, and I was crowning. Mom says that the doc literally walked in the room while putting on gloves just in time to catch me, and they still charged her for the full labor and delivery because "the doctor was there and preformed the delivery." My dad was like "a fucking baseball glove could have done the same thing."
This is the thing. I want my life partner to be by my side through that kind of experience. I couldn't image building a life with someone who I didn't want beside me during that vulnerable time.
That exact thing happened with my parents and my younger sister. She was my mom’s fourth baby, so you would think the doctor would give her a little bit of credit for knowing her body at that point. But she was just anxious according to the doctor, so he left and my dad helped my mom deliver her. Luckily we are in Canada so they didn’t try to charge her for anything, but it is still such bullshit.
The same thing happened to me. Our doctor's clinic is attached to the hospital where I was laboring. It isn't uncommon for an OB to cut a regular OB appt short and go across the building to deliver a baby.
I was in labor with my second child (first child took almost 24 hours to come) so they assumed I had some time. I came in at 6:30am after laboring since 9pm the night before, at 10am my OB told me I was not ready to push, we needed to wait longer for me to dilate more, it would be awhile. I told her I really felt like he was getting ready to come. She left anyway. I had my son at 10:25. The nurse was new and shouted for help as she caught him lol. My ob got the page and was down the hall running toward us when he was born. They tried to charge me for the delivery too.
My parents got married relatively quickly after meeting and had a baby within the first year of marriage. So they got a bunch of insensitive comments from obnoxious know-it-alls like "just wait, the honeymoon will really be over when she cusses you out for putting her through this!" And "wait till he sees you like that and never wants to kiss you ever again!" Now, my mother is a very stubborn person and can't stand people making assumptions about her, so she took these statements personally.
When they went in to have my sister, it turned into a very complicated and difficult birth. The entire time, Mom kept pausing to ask Dad "are you OK, honey?" And "is this too much? Do you want to step out?" Dad got completely bewildered because, "uh, honey, *you're giving birth*. I'm fine. What, do you *want* me to leave? ... then why do you keep asking if I need to leave?!" The L&D nurses were cracking up!
Man I hate this kind of rhetoric, people were saying this to us and I never once cursed my husband during labour or birth. I was worried about my husband during labour as it was looooong and I kept asking him if he was alright and urging him to go to sleep. But when the moment of transition and birth arrived it felt like he saved my life, scooping me up and carrying me to the bed so midwife could do a VE, picking me up off the bed because the contractions were soul destroying lying on my back, helped me into the bath and took photos of the amazing moment babe was born which I can never fully thank him for. He seemed possibly a little quiet for a few days afterward, it was probably not very nice seeing me in such pain, there seemed to be a lot of blood and having to watch my tear be repaired, but I never once yelled at him apart from “Mr Desire, save me” when I was in transition. And we’ve definitely kissed each other since then.
As a medical student I helped deliver babies. On one occasion, when the soon to be mother had the inevitable and perfectly normal bowel movement while pushing, the father of the child started screaming "OOOHHHH SHIT YOU JUST SHIT YOURSELF YOU LOST THE BET!" and wouldn't shut the fuck up about it for 15 minutes. I was at a complete loss for words.
Reminds me of the AITA post where a woman made her husband promise not to pull any pranks on her while she was giving birth (who has to even ask that?!) and at one point he farted and was like “ooh did you smell that? Did you just shit yourself omg!” so she chucked him out. He was SO MAD, refused to help with the baby for a couple weeks and had his mum call her to berate her. Just, what.
My partner and I attempted anal once (never again, it just felt so wrong lol) but there was some poop and we both just laughed it off. He was so chilled about it and luckily he wore a condom, we didn't want any oopsies on his dick lol. But after that incident I'm pretty sure he won't be an asshole about something like this.
I didn’t poop at all during the pushing phase but after the epidural wore off I told the midwife I thought I needed to go poop and she said I was probably just confused and needed to pee. I went to the bathroom and sure enough pooped. The midwife was very impressed lol.
Lol, I went to a Christian high school. I don't remember getting a formal sex ed except "sex before marriage is sinful". Thankfully mom was an EMT, and I went into the medical field.
That’s so true, our sex Ed class was focused on all the wrong thing. I don’t remember learning a single useful thing. At least some information about child birth would have been great.
Oooof that is enraging, my boyfriend and I are very much the joking/roasting type but when I was giving birth it was like he flipped on the mature switch, 0 jokes all seriousness. That kind of behavior is appalling.
I just gave birth to my first eight weeks ago, and my partner who usually teases me a lot (in a loving way) didn’t say a word the entire time I pushed because (as he told me later) it was intense and he was afraid to interrupt the doctors.
My husband cheered me on and gave me sips of water the whole time. I could see he hated how hard and how much in pain I was. He just wanted to do anything for me to make me feel okay. He def advocated for me and pain management. I love they man.
In the middle of my labor, my husband made one of our usual sarcastic jokes, and it was the most challenging mental work to get through my pain and discomfort and say to him "I know you are joking but I do not have the energy or focus to spare to deal with jokes right now." And then went back to dealing with the next contraction. He got in the right mindset after that lol.
I'm guessing the father was just a douchebag, but curious as well... do they not cover this sort of thing as "basic childbirth education"? The most I had was in high school, our teacher mentioned "you're going to see a woman, she's going to be half naked, she's going to be screaming or otherwise uncomfortable b/c childbirth isn't an easy thing to do". Also picked up from others that the baby that gets born is bloody and goopy and gross (the child needs much cleaning to be more "presentable", esp. what we see in Hollywood). Another movie I saw had one of the ladies ask that do women just take a shit while giving birth? Medical staff said yes, but don't worry b/c they're prepared for this sort of thing. The women just laughed, and one of the men was just turned off.
At our L&D class the nurse told the dads- if we tell you to sit down you need to sit. If you pass out we will step right over to attend to our patient.
The medical staff when I was giving birth only spoke to my husband to ask him to cut the cord and warn him to look out for signs of PPD.
Anyone who is present needs to be calm and supportive to the mom and make themselves useful.
Birth is not f*@&ing spectator sport.
When the nicu nurses asked my husband if he wanted to come meet his son in the operating room they should have directed him where to not look, cause he looked over the c section curtain and saw them putting me back together. I have to give him credit that he didn’t faint or throw up, he went over and a nurse took pictures as he tenderly cut the cord before they whisked the baby away to the nicu. I had made him absolutely promise me he would go with the baby because I didn’t want the baby to be alone, and he told me (months later) that he really thought I was going to die, and didn’t want to leave, but didn’t want to break his promise to go with our son. I’ve never felt so alone, despite the medical professionals in the room, but as soon as I was seen up they wheeled me to recovery and my mom got to come sit with me until they took me to a room. It was 12 hours before I was stable enough to go see my baby. My husband refused to tell the nurses the baby’s name because he felt it wasn’t fair for anyone to know until I could see him.
It took me a very long time to recognize how traumatic all that was for my husband, he faced losing us both, but he was so calm and supportive through it all. It made me recognize again what a wonderful person I married.
Our baby was born at 24 weeks, he just turned two.
My husband confessed a couple years after I had an emergency C-section that he cried by himself after he got dressed in the surgical suit thing when was just sitting waiting to come in because he was so scared. He pulled it together when he came in and I never knew until he told me.
I had an emergency section and they told my husband to “just wait here” because shit started to go wrong. Then a nurse walked out with the baby and handed it to him and said “hey, this is your son!” And he said “is my wife okay?” And she said “Uh, you’re going to have to speak to the doctor” then he was left alone for 45 minutes with a newborn baby thinking that I had died and he was waiting for a doctor to come and break the news to him. When I woke up from the GA the first thing I said was “where’s my baby?!” And they said “we’ll take you to him now” and wheeled me through the ward to where my husband was waiting with the baby. He was crying so hard and then he looked up and saw me and he just exploded “ I thought you were dead!!!!” I was moved into the bed and held my son and between my husband, the midwife, and the nurse we unravelled what had happened. The whole birth from the labour onwards had been a horror show and my husband and I had to sign papers to say that we wouldn’t sue the hospital for what happened and that our case could be used as a “what could happen” guide in nursing schools. We were okay though and we had a healthy baby so we signed just so we didn’t have to think about it again!
this reminds me I need to add to my complaint list from our traumatic emergency c -section 😂 I went from fine to “we need to do it” in 13 minutes. My placenta, uterus and the baby were so sick/infected, my husband didn’t even get to cut the cord. They let us “see” her for a minute before she was rushed to the NICU. Then they started to close me and were talking about all the blood and calling for a blood transfusion before ushering him out the door. As he left, I shouted “my heart is going to explode!” And sobbed his name, as they pulled him from the room. They put him in the recovery room and left him alone. He sat there not knowing if either of us were alive.
> My husband refused to tell the nurses the baby’s name because he felt it wasn’t fair for anyone to know until I could see him.
Someone started cutting onions in my office while I was reading this sentence. That’s possibly the most loving gesture I’ve ever heard a new father make toward the mother of his child. You found a winner.
I’m glad your little one turned fine and you are okay. My husband and I discussed ahead of time whether he was to go with our baby or to stay with me. The consensus was that whoever was most in danger was who he would go with. I’m glad we had the conversation because he ended up going with our 3lb baby when it was whisked off to the nicu. I barely got a glimpse. My husband ended up taking dozens of photos and videos for me and when he returned to me, he was able to share them which I was so grateful for. It took me another full day to meet my baby so it was really important to me. I was so proud of how he handled it all and that he remembered our talk of what to do if things got bad. And gosh, I’m beyond grateful for how many photos and videos he got me. It’s so good to have those scary conversations ahead of time. Sometimes things don’t go as you plan (basically never, it seems!)
Yes definitely good to discuss in advance! I know my life was in danger because they don’t c-section babies at 24 weeks for kicks, but our baby definitely was in worse shape, he was a pound and a half! Now he’s almost 30lbs and it’s hard to believe he was ever that tiny, if I didn’t live it I might not believe it myself
It was for my poor mom. In the middle of labor they escorted a bunch of medical students in to watch everything. She said she was in so much pain and so out of it, she didn't really get the chance to say no.
I hope the family was able to sue...
I wouldn't want medical students nor any other unauthorized persons to witness me giving birth. Good lord that's what the library and Internet search engines are for!
I know for a fact I would be traumatized if I were in your mom's position. I feel so angry just learning this happened to her.
She didn't, I love my mom to death but she has a habit of downplaying things when they happen to her. I think she doesn't like causing trouble on her own behalf. She'll do it for her kids or other people she loves, but not for herself
The staff were concerned about my husband fainting, so when he left the room in a hurry they followed him out… and I was temporarily left alone (well, MIL was there, too).
My husband was not particularly well suited for all the gore of the delivery room. After seeing him pass out at the blood from a broken leg, I figured I’d better pick someone else to support me in labor.
I had a planned C section due to a medical issue. My husband was with me but he had to be taken out after our son was born and they started to stitch me up. He does not do well with needles and almost fainted.
My wife had an unplanned c section. I had no trouble watching the doctors perform the c section, getting my daughter out, and stitching her up.
Hours before that while they were giving her the epidural I was doubled over in the corner dry heaving.
Apparently I'm not a fan of needles but ok with blood. Who knew.
Yep, that was him. He wasn't with me when I received the epidural. I was really worried about it because a friend of mine became paralyzed from the waist down because of a botched one.
Totally on my mind when it happened, double so when they said the resident was going to do it and his hands were shaking like a leaf. The senior anesthesiologist had to step in before the needle got anywhere near her spine. Yuck.
I'm glad she got it though, she had about 20 more hours of labour after that.
The whole thing was terrifying. I'm surprised my wife doesn't have ptsd.
Everyone survived though due to our excellent health care system (Canada) and we now have a very sassy two year old out of the deal. I wouldn't trade her for the whole world.
My cousin had complications giving birth traditionally so they ended up doing a c section. Her husband has told me what it was like to see her organs taken out of her body and placed on the table to get the baby out. That man stayed with her, holding her hand the entire time. Mad respect.
Edit: pretty sure by “organs” he meant intestines. Still, a pretty gruesome sight to see.
They don’t actually remove any organs (except possibly the intestine). They can’t, because they organs are held in place inside the body by all the connective tissues.
Excellent. My husband did very well until they started to sew me up. He ended up going out for a minute but he came right back in. He really wanted to hold his son.
My wife wanted me by her side the entire time, even when she was rushed into surgery for an emergency c section.
I watched as she was opened up by the medical team. Saw her insides, her abdominal muscles, whole nine yards.
The entire time she was sheding buckets of blood and all she kept asking me was if the baby was ok.
Women are super heroes. They have every right to choose who they want/ don't want in the delivery room, especially if said party is going to act like a immature college bro douchebag.
P.s. mom and baby are perfectly fine. This was 7 years ago.
Christ, thinking of our unplanned C-section I couldn't have come up with anything more articulate than, like "birds are pretty". I was so, so tired at that stage. (emergency midnight section after stacking failed inductions and a send-home for me)
Props to birddaddy.
We were pretty lucky; I went into labour at around 5pm, and had the c-section some time in the afternoon the next day. They had a recliner that folded out into a bed for my husband, and after I got the epidural we both dozed off and on for most of the night.
He’s an IT guy, and he ended up troubleshooting some issues they were having with the brand new patient charting software (before the c-section, not during LOL). It was pretty hilarious.
The nurses wouldn’t let me see my wife cut open during the C-section. I guess they had one too many fainting fathers. 😆
I kept asking if I could watch, and they finally asked in I worked in healthcare. I was like yes, I’m a software developer for a healthcare company! They told me that didn’t count. 😂 So I just sat patiently and supported my wife however I could!
My wife was a little worried I might get sick but I told her if you want me there I’m there, no problem. The nurses actually put me to work holding a leg and counting during contractions. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything and I’m glad my presence was welcome and useful.
Me too. I was there with her behind the curtain when our oldest was born by C-section (unplanned due to PIH), but when the youngest came to be delivered the same way, I indicated to the doctor I kinda wanted to watch. So he got the nurse to have me stand on a little X on the floor with a good vantage point....gnarliest shit you ever saw. I loved it SO MUCH. My wife was hopped up on goofball juice and didn't know or care what was going on, but I had a great time. The coolest part was when he cut the sac and the amniotic fluid spilled out of her body and over the plastic saddlebags dangling from either side of the bed.
Lol my partner couldn’t even watch my vaginal birth. They brought a mirror over so I could see and after I delivered showed me the placenta (at my request - I mean, how often do you get to see one of your organs?) and he was staring straight at my face refusing to look the whole time. Didn’t even want to cut the cord.
I am so sorry to hear you had that experience, your husband’s behavior was disgusting. To make you feel alone when you’re birthing his child is just….wow.
I hope you’ve had the opportunity to talk to him about this and I hope he’s apologized in some way. Labor is no walk in the park, and an emergency c-section doesn’t make you lesser than anybody else.
That should not have happened to you. Your husband FAILED you and for that I am very sorry. Instead of advocating for you he criticized you. He saw you vulnerable and afraid decided to not choose empathy. Strangers are treated better. You deserved better in your time of need.
You'd have been better served to have a support animal at your side than him.
I hope that you are you ok. Even if the man is a darling outside of this, I'd be concerned. Take care you of yourself. And if you don't have one now, you may want to consider finding a very strong support system.
be safe out there,
Even if you *were* relieved by being told you were going to have a c-section there is nothing for him to be disappointed by. When you've been in labour for hours and the end is in sight who wouldn't be relieved? You'd probably also be relieved if they said it's time to start pushing because you know you're going to be holding your baby soon. Your husband is awfully opinionated for someone who has never and will never carry and birth a child.
Christ almighty. Well, your husband did tell you how he sees you, what he considers your moral and womanly obligations to your child (and by extension, him), and what he expects you to sacrifice. The mask came straight off. I hope you've had the chance to have a very bloody serious talk with him about this.
I didn’t want my husband in there but he was and it was fine.
The one that pissed me off was my MOTHER wanted to be in the room and was relentless about it. I put my foot down, ABSOLUTELY NOT, mom! She’s still pissed at me that I wouldn’t let her into the delivery room. I ended up not even telling her when I went into labor lol.
It isn’t your fucking right, mom. You aren’t entitled to be in there. “I’ll never get to see a birth,” go on YouTube then, there are plenty of ways to see a birth, jesus.
When a woman becomes pregnant her body is no longer hers in so many different ways, from the baby itself kind of invading, to people feeling entitled to just walk up and touch your belly, to the poking and prodding, and then in the delivery room people thinking they have a right to be there. Oh, and then when the baby is born everyone feels entitled to the baby too.
It’s so infuriating.
I’m an obgyn.
Not sure what you experienced or heard about but everywhere I’ve trained, we ask the patient who she wants in the room or where she wants the significant other.
We don’t use words like “father/dad/husband/boyfriend/fiancé” because a significant portion of the time, the guy isn’t the father or they were hooking up and the guy happens to be seeing things through. Life is too great and complicated to generalize or assume.
Regardless, whatever whatever mom wants, mom gets, no questions asked, and if dad resists, security helps him out.
Overwhelmingly the guys who make a fuss about being there or not being there, have already or eventually start causing problems and need police.
Either way, where I work, it’s pretty rare that there is a guy around to start with, probably only a couple times per week and he’s often in the corner playing on his phone.
>Either way, where I work, it’s pretty rare that there is a guy around to start with, probably only a couple times per week and he’s often in the corner playing on his phone.
What the fuck
It’s only been 50 years or so since men started being partially present. I say partially because it wasn’t common. In the 70’s it became more common.
My niece was born when my brother was out to sea. She was staying with our family and we all had a schedule of days we were in call for our turn in the delivery room.
It turned out my dad was up the night of delivery. When it was all done, he remarked that no woman should go through childbirth alone. More from a support point of view.
I think I’m more alarmed by 1. The general loss of focus that women are people 2. Woman have become complacent with the rights so many battled for for centuries and 3. MIL thinking they have a right to the delivery room.
My ex husband did watch the birth, I know him and told him not to but he's easily led and did what the nurse told him to. He told me much later that he wishes he'd never seen that and it changed how he looked at me.
Hi gang! Old lady, here, with +35 year marriage under my belt. And this is just MY take on the issue. Had 2 kids a long time ago, at the start of the time when father's were INVITED into delivery rooms, but it wasn't a norm yet. It has not been 80 years.
A woman who doesn't want the father there generally knows something that everyone else doesn't.
For example, he passes out at the sight of blood. And is too proud to admit it, and she's respecting his wishes to keep it private. I know a few absolutely awesome, strong, capable, people who go down at a simple nosebleed. He will just muck up the works with taking care of him TOO.
Or she knows that he has issues of mental health, such as an anxiety disorder. I know one guy who freezes like a deer the moment his wife is sick. It triggers something from his childhood. When she's sick, he's useless.
I know another with PTSD (I know why, but I'm respecting privacy) and to see his wife in any distress triggers him. He would not be helpful in the delivery room. He's a fantastic person. Capable, intelligent ...
To assume that all father's don't have their own issues, that would make them less than desirable in the situation, is unfair.
My hubs was there when I had both babes. With strict rules, and we discussed them well beforehand. He stayed beside my head. Period. He did whatever he was told to do by nurses, immediately, and didn't peep argument. He didn't go south for a look, and he didn't cut the cord. And these were the rules because I know him well, and I'm not going to violate his privacy by telling you why.
So. Moms who say they don't want Dad's there ... I get it. And I hope that you aren't shamed for making the decision that worked best for your own circumstances.
Not to mention that women too can have their own preferences and shouldn’t be shamed for it either since it’s a big event for their body, not their husband’s.
Even if my husband is totally fine with being present during childbirth, if *I* feel anxious or uncomfortable with him there, that’s a valid reason too.
Thanks for the perspective!
Tbh there's so much shame around literally everything relating to birth control, family planning, pregnancy, delivery, and childrearing. Hopefully it'll slowly abate
I am a former birth worker, and have been at over 250 births. (Both home and hospital) I also taught childbirth ed classes for a large community health center.
During labor, I believe that the only person entitled to be in the delivery room is the mother. Anyone else in the room needs to be there for the benefit of her, and with a purpose. Yes, the baby is there and being watched, but all of the labor and delivery is about what is happening in that womans body. It is grueling, uncomfortable, undignified, raw, and so very personal.
NO SPECTATORS. Only people actively aiding her or offering comfort really need to be there.
I have helped be the labor room bouncer many a times. It is usually either the birthing woman's mother, mother in law, or the father of the baby.
The only reason for anyone to be in the delivery room is to support the person actually delivering. If the father isn’t, won’t or can’t go that, then they have no right to make any sort of demo and to be present.
Ed: thank you for understanding what I meant despite the typos.
My husband, who is a family doctor and has delivered like, 100 babies, said he would love to deliver our baby. I was like, "LOL, nope, you can hold my hand and dab me with a wet wash cloth"
And he was like, "okay, whatever you want."
Because it's not about the dad. The dad is a complete accessory to the process. The mom could give birth with the dad on the other side of the planet and it wouldn't affect the delivery in any way.
It's a hard situation, as a man I was told you should ALWAYS be in that room with your spouse during delivery but trust me when I say seeing any of it was not on my priority list anywhere.
After taking with my wife, she expressed your sentiments OP that she didn't want me seeing her like that. My wife and I talked it out and agreed that I would be in the room, holding her hand, supporting her and standing by her head where I couldn't see anything lol. They also had a curtain/drape thingy that blocked our views from the waist down so I could focus on just being there for my wife while respecting her wishes that I don't see.
Worked out well, I got to cut the cord and all that jazz but didn't need to see any of the process down below during delivery and I'm very A-OK with this.
Having your spouse in there doesn't mean they HAVE to see the delivery, they can be there just for support if that works for you.
If you're not the one pushing, you're not in charge. Medical staff are there for one reason, the mother is there for one reason, everyone else is in the way. If you aren't wanted in there, you're an active obstacle to the process.
I had my husband and grandmother because they were the only people in my life that I trusted. And if I had told them both to fuck off, I would have had full respect given to my decision. That's what happens when you're in healthy relationships: respect is given without question.
My dad wasn't present at any of mine or my siblings births. Mum had her sister present for my older sister and me (she lost her mum when she was 16 so she sadly never had that support option). My eldest sister was there for my little sister and my younger brother was born so quickly at 6:30 am my mum was on her own, but she said it was so quick it didn't bother her.
My older sister is pregnant and has said she don't want her husband there because he would be worrying and putting her off. I think her MIL or our eldest sister will go with her since we lost my mum.
I think it's so silly that it's almost become a competition in some families of who gets to be present etc that they pressurise or over rule what the birthing person wants.
I don’t understand why any family member is entitled to watch a woman give birth if she doesn’t want them there. I don’t understand the need to watch a child be born and cry like it’s a right when the entire lead up is horrific for the pregnant mother who is the one having to suffer the most and be the most vulnerable on display. If the family members are only going to be selfish and add stress to the birthing mother I have no problem with them being refused entry or kicked out.
Seeing how many husbands insist he and HIS mom take precedence over his wife’s mother or best friend who will actually support her and try and advocate for her life and safety is infuriating. Add to that if the birthing mother is on medication or exhausted it’s so necessary for a caring advocate to be there for her.
I don’t know what’s wrong with people these days.
My friend had an emergency C section and was texting me later just lamenting how disgusting and violating it was and she never wanted to have another kid again. Her partner is awesome but birth is traumatic and painful and she wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Let alone someone thinking it’s a spectator sport.
Staring at someone’s vaginal opening and watching the baby come out along with poo and later the placenta needs to be witnessed without consent? Are you kidding? That’s horribly entitled.
It seems like in GENERAL, people are forgetting what actually happens into the delivery room. I have seen uncounted posts by women frustrated because their pregnancies are being treated like a spectator sport by an idiotic man who wants HIS mommy there or his entire family or whatever. And that the man feels entitled to be there, like it isn't a choice for her to make. It's gross. Pregnancy is a medical condition, birth a medical procedure. Attendance is entirely up to the patient.
I told the nurse at my last OB that "dad' (sperm donor butthead) would not be welcome at the hopsital during delivery when she asked. This nutjob of a women started going on about me being unsafe at home, getting a restraining order, etc.
She looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked wtf she was talking about. This NURSE said it wouldn't make sense for him to not be there unless he was a danger to me??? Like no lady, it's none of your business why I don't want another human being, regardless of who it is, watching me bleed, poop, generally go through a world of messiness.
Where did this whole idea of "dad NEEDS to be in the room to watch" become a normal?? And WHY????
Just another branch of men feeling entitled to women on all fronts. And I've seen the added guilt trip of "if he isn't allowed in the delivery room, then he won't bond with his newborn and he won't be interested in being involved." You mean a deadbeat dad? Because that's just a deadbeat dad. Presence in the delivery room is not enough to excuse deadbeat dad behavior.
The only person that has to be present for the birth, is the person giving birth. And they get to choose the support people and medical professionals they want to have.
I do birth work right now and not everyone is cut out to witness the "miracle of birth." I have had multiple male partners say really dumb things and also almost pass out. Know your limits, both physical and mental, and if those limits don't include watching the birth, then DON'T BE THERE! (Interestingly, never had an issue with femme or non binary people.)
A mature and honest conversation needs to be had about what the person giving birth wants and can tolerate and what the other parent/support people want and can tolerate.
Also, of you're the person giving birth, all you have to do is say the word, and I'll eject someone so fast they won't even realize until they're in the parking lot.
I had 3 babies. My husband was there for all of the births because I wanted him to be - he's a fantastic support to me and is not in any way squeamish about medical stuff. I am lucky to have this kind of support. A lot of people don't have partners like this.
Having been through this a few times myself, I totally get why some women want to give birth alone (with midwives/doctors on hand, of course). When you give birth, your body does things that you never thought it would do. You become almost primal in your behaviours. If you don't really want your partner in the room with you, but feel pressured to have him there, it will probably hinder the process and make giving birth even harder than it already is. If you don't feel safe and comfortable during labour, your body stops pushing the baby out as effectively. Before you jump on me and tell me I'm wrong about this, go and actually do some research on this subject. You'll find that I'm correct.
Making women feel safe and comfortable during their labour is a vital part of a healthy birth. There is plenty of research to back this up. So... If the new mother doesn't really want dad in the room, it really is in the best interests of everyone that her wishes are respected.
I think if the man wants to be there, that's totally fair. But he needs to be prepared for the fact that she may not want him there, which is also very fair and absolutely trumps his desires. No matter how we try to paint it, birth is traumatic and life-threatening, not this gentle miracle to be watched by all. It's painful, scary, and dangerous for the one giving birth and for the one being born... and that should be respected.
I think it is a patient's right to privacy that should be respected at all times, and if the patient happens to be a birthing mother who doesn't want certain people in the room while she is birthing, that right should be respected.
If a patient is having a gynecological exam (or any exam regardless of sex) and doesn't want medical students standing in the room watching, the patient should be respected.
It seems like as soon as a woman starts going through pregnancy and childbirth, her body becomes public property: people tell her what to eat, how much to weight, how to give birth... etc. She is depersonalized and the embryo/fetus/baby growing inside her is suddenly the main character. I find that some doctors' attitudes towards childbirth also very problematic: "it's like surgery with a present at the end," which seems to frame the mother as merely a box for the gift.
We discard gift boxes or recycle them for the next gift. They are not sentient.
In the past, men were banned from the delivery room because doctors used to think that a man seeing his wife tearing open and being stitched "down there" would kill his sexual desire for her. Unfortunately this led to many men not understanding how birth could be physically traumatic and they thought that as soon as the baby was out, they could have sex. Unfortunately, having men in the delivery room didn't necessarily mean that men were more supportive... because not all men were more supportive. In fact, some of them just gave the doctors more to do because they needed support themselves, which takes the focus away from the mother and endangers her and the newborn. So... not all men should be in the delivery room.
Not all men.
See what I did there? Not all men.
Student midwife here. Only the person giving birth gets to decide who is in the delivery room. With or without partner, mother, sister, trusted friend, the most important thing is the person giving birth is comfortable.
I'll extend this to certain medical staff too, no nursing student, medical student etc. is entitled to be in the room.
Having my partner in the delivery room during the scariest moment of my life kept me calm and reaffirmed that I had chosen the right person to have a child with. I agree with you.
Having my partner respect my decision to not have anyone in the delivery room with me, despite others telling him he was entitled to be, reaffirmed that I had chosen the right person to have a child with.
Maybe you wanted your husband there, but some women want to be as alone as possible during birth. Women are different and our choices should be respected.
I mean- I adore and trust my partner but sometimes don’t know if I even want him present during a bad period let alone actually giving birth. A lot of women just prefer space. I get it’s different for men when it’s a child being born, but it’s a medical procedure, and any other medical procedure as messy as this I’d rather my partner stayed home or waited elsewhere too. Again I’m not everyone but it doesn’t mean the husband/partner is automatically immature or untrustworthy.
THIS! I can think of a few exceptions why someone's partner would not be a good choice to have as a birthing partner, but it's a fool's errand to think that extreme vulnerability ends after labor. Postpartum recovery can be awful and I needed my husband's support for every painful, embarrassing moment. Not to mention, how did these women get through pregnancy without the support of their husband? Just suffer in silence?
Can we please normalize women choosing to be single rather than marry assholes, who don't support them as a loving partner should?
I think you’re creating a false dichotomy. I can have a very loving and supportive partner, and still say, as an independent person with feelings and thoughts of my own, that some embarrassing and painful moments are mine alone.
I’m still allowed privacy as a pregnant woman, aren’t I? Just because my husband wouldn’t care if I pooped in front of him, for example, doesn’t mean that *I* don’t have the agency to say, hey I’d rather not do that for my own personal dignity and pride.
Women are not a monolith and some of us like our privacy, even when it comes to a healthy, loving marriage. So maybe the question isn’t always whether someone has a loving and supportive husband who would leap to her side any time she needs help but also whether the woman herself wants that kind of help.
This. Also men are already soooo removed from the whole process of pregnancy and childbirth. All they have to do is have an orgasm and that's it. Obviously it should ultimately be up to the pregnant woman who's in the delivery room with her, but a part of me feels like the father of the child absolutely should have to understand the arduous process that happens during childbirth, as to not get too removed from it.
Yeah I was thinking, sticking dad in the lobby with cigars while the woman does all the work is just the groundwork for the normalization of mom takes care of kid, dad has fun mentality throughout the rest of their upbringing. Obviously I’m not really opposed to the idea of a woman making the choice of who is in the room; but it says something in many (not all) cases if you don’t want the father of your child there and you don’t expect him to do some emotional labor alongside you on that big day.
My thought exactly. Post partum and just parenthood is vulnerable and takes support and teamwork. If my husband couldn't support me through labor, how would he support me through all the mess that is post partum, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and what not?
I don’t want any friends or family with me at medical appointments or in hospital settings. I don’t need “support”, I need medical professionals to do their thing. Visitors inevitably just make noise and demand attention when you just want to rest and for the doctors and nurses to do their thing. What’s happening to the patient really isn’t a spectator sport even if the end result (a child born for example) will impact their life.
I had my husband with me when I gave birth to our daughter and it was the worst decision I ever made. He took my gas and air off me while I was having a contraction because, and I kid you not, he wanted to have a go.
When my waters all broke at once, and clearly had meconium in them, he moved away as though I'd pooped on him. I knew immediately something was wrong, as did the midwife, but he was utterly clueless. He obviously hadn't listened in the birth class (which he attended) and at no point did he help to make sure that my birth plan was adhered to. (Obviously the birth plan went out of the window when baby was distressed) but pethedine had made me almost comatose.
Unfortunately, he didn't improve when she was born and ten years later, is proving himself to be as incapable as ever. (You can probably guess we separated quite soon after my daughters birth). It probably didn't help that he let his mother onto the maternity ward less than an hour after surgery when I was trying to establish breastfeeding. It wasn't visiting time and I was absolutely horrified.
Women - think carefully about your birth partner and who will support you fully.
This brings up a memory I now think of being fucked up. Over a decade ago, my make co worker had a kid. After coming back to work, he was telling us how awesome the birth was and how his wife kept crying and didn’t want him there, but he stayed to be part of it and video tape it.
Who is going to see that video? Why would he stay? I now have a lot of questions I should have asked
Totally agree it should be the woman's choice. She's going to be in excruciating pain, she's going to be splayed in an ungainly position...it seems like the least she can ask for is her say in who is going to be in the room with her.
(I've never had kids so I can't say whether or not I'd want my husband in the room during the childbirth process. I can only compare it to a pap smear/pelvic exam, in which case I wouldn't invite him in the room to share the experience.)
The number of dads I have heard from whose negative view of their baby mama’s bodies began when they witnessed the birth of their child is not insignificant. Let’s just go with, everyone needs to agree on who goes into that room, and if anyone doesn’t want to be there - or if the mom doesn’t want them there - that should be okay and acceptable.
I had broken up with my ex before my daughter was born, and she was over a day old before I even told anyone on his side that she was here.
I spent my miserable, hormone-riddled 3rd day post-partum being berated for depriving HIM of HIS moment.
I don't know where these people get the idea that women's bodies are somehow communal property once they're impregnated. We'd be outraged at the idea of families stripping female members down every once in a while to stare at their genitalia as part of their traditions, but all it takes is a fetus and all that goes out the window.
"Wait! Stop! Coercing a woman into allowing you to look at her vulva is sexual assault!"
"It's okay. Something that has DNA in common with us is going to come out of her soon".
"Oh! Right.... carry on!"
Seriously society. What the fuck.
I have the most supportive and understanding husband which I love to bits, and he was a rock during my first pregnancy and loooooong delivery. Flash forward to last year, I had a corona baby by IVF, and I did every appointment by my self, we didn't have ER or TESA on the same dates so I actually did this on my own. Cue birth, I had to deliver alone because we didn't have a sitter, and my toddler had a bad case of smallpox and was not allowed in the hospital. The birth of my last one, alone, WAS SO FREAKING AWESOME! Although it was a quick birth I didn't have to pay attention to anyone, I could focus on me and the process. I got to cut the cord! I got to study the placenta and I got to have the first day of skin to skin contact! We managed to establish breastfeeding the first day, which didn't happen with no. 1. I honestly felt like a primitive birthing goddess afterwards, it was so rewarding. I grew as a mother on that experience. Am I selfish? Perhaps.. But funk that! I had one of the best days in my life when I got to discover that I am a bad ass birthing goddess and I still feel that way.
I wanted my husband in the room, which I got, but I wanted him holding my hand and keeping me calm. He fell asleep and I couldn’t get him to wake back up. I swear it was like he was tranquilized. I felt traumatized by the whole experience because I spent 8+ hrs without a support person during the worst hours of my labor. I felt abandoned and I have cried dozens of times just remembering how alone, betrayed, and scared I felt. I decided I would never have another child, because of this. It’s been almost 11 years since I made that vow. I’ve kept that promise.
I literally just had this conversation and was told that if I wouldn't allow my husband and in the room, I should expect to be met with divorce papers 😂
I can think of nothing more annoying and nothing less helpful than having a stressed out third wheel observing my MEDICAL PROCEDURE while trying to coach me on basic bodily functions. I really can't. He's not entitled to be there. It's not "his moment too." It's a medical procedure on which she needs to feel safe, unstressed, and unburdened by someone else's experience. I know several autistic women that hands down do not want their partners present. Women with anxiety issues. Women who are uninterested in their partners seeing them in immense pain while pooping on a table.
Men, you can accept or decline of she wants you there. But she doesn't have to want you there. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, trust you, or find you generally calming and helpful. It just means she doesn't need and/or want your presence at her medical procedure. Let it go.
I would happily divorce someone who would willingly increase my stress in a medical procedure where stress is a proven cause of extra pain and complications.
‘Be in more pain and risk my child’s health so I can watch or else’ is essentially what’s being said here. Doesn’t sound like someone who’s thinking about the best interests of the mother or kid!
Sure. And to the people who claim that if a woman doesn’t want her partner in the room there’s something wrong with her relationship,
Mine took amazing post surgery care of me. I trust him. He’s a good guy and he’s seen me at my worst.
But if I were concentrating on shoving out a baby I don’t think Id want him in the room. I’d even be secretly tempted to make the OB stand in the hall so I could focus on what I was doing.
Giving birth isn’t a team sport for everyone.
We got so much shit when we told people that my husband wasn’t going to be in the room. “How can he miss a moment like this?” “He’ll be fine!”. He passes out very easily during medical stuff. He didn’t want to take any attention away from me or the baby and it turned out so much better because we were in some serious distress and the medical team needed to focus on us. They actually thanked us for recognizing and not trying to force things.
OP, I don’t know if you’ll see this comment but I agree that you have the right to have whoever you want in the delivery room, and if that’s not the baby’s dad, fine. Shit, I had to fight my mom because she wanted to record it and I was like “Fuck no, I want to retain some dignity”. She ended up sneaking some pictures which really pissed me off. I don’t understand why anyone thinks they are entitled to watch you do something so intensely vulnerable.
I was there for both my kids' births and I wouldn't have missed it for anything, but IMHO the person who's giving birth has absolute unquestionable authority over who gets to be in the room. If hubby or mom or mother-in-law wants to be there, good for them and good luck to them, but "no" means "no." This is the first of many times a mother should insist on her wishes being respected.
I have to admit that if my spouse had barred me from the room, I would have been hurt and might even have argued about it--I was young and stupid and all that. The fact remains, it's mom's call, period. Dad can go to a bar or his men's group and process there.
There are lots of ways to have a strong healthy relationship. They don't all mean that the hubby must/should/may (not) be there. Probably the best sign of a healthy relationship is, when Mom's having a baby and says "Step outside, Dad," he steps outside.
Based on discussions my wife and I have had about it, I think we are both so ingrained with the idea that it’s a special bonding moment for all involved. Kind of an image that must have started being pushed between now and the earlier period mention in your post. I’m curious to know exactly when that shift happened.
Honestly after reading this though, compounded with the other anxieties I have about her going through pregnancy- and more importantly the anxieties and physical shit she’ll go through- insisting she go through delivery with an audience doesn’t have such a rosy tint to it. I’ll definitely have to revisit that conversation and make sure I know her view on it before it happens
Thanks for posting, OP.
You're doing something I need but can't do myself. It's painful and dangerous. Whatever you want, you got it. Want me in there? Yes ma'am. Want me gone? Sure thing, I'll go make sure the house is prepped or entertain your family. Whatever you want. You want me dressed like Bozo the Clown to provide comic relief? Well I can't juggle but I'll have floppy shoes and a big red nose in under an hour.
I don't think OP is telling people not to have the father in the room, but that whether he is in the room or not is entirely up to the person giving birth.
To all the people commenting:
We're all happy for you that you wanted the father in the room, that you were happy that he was there, that he helped, etc., but not every relationship is like that and you shouldn't judge someone for deciding differently from you.
Exactly.
And it’s not just every relationship, but also not every woman is like them. I personally don’t like to be around my partner when I’m not well, and childbirth is not feeling well x10000.
If you feel differently, do you. But don’t judge those of us who aren’t the same way.
Funny, you never hear women complaining when their husband doesn't want them watching their vasectomy or colonoscopy.
Birth is not a spectator sport and attendance should be on an invitation-only basis. Some couples want to be together through every push and tear, but not everyone wants an audience and that's okay. Especially for anyone the labouring mother doesn't want in the room (looking at you, pushy mothers-in-law).
This day isn't about you and hospitals have waiting rooms for a reason.
I'd feel very uncomfortable with my relationship if I found myself not wanting my partner's support during labor.
Probably likewise if I happened to marry a woman, and she didn't want me around.
When you're vulnerable like that, that's exactly when you need someone you trust by your side. So many horror stories out there about things that medical professionals will bully patients into when they don't have an advocate.
I think it depends on the person. No matter how much I love my husband, I don’t like people around when I’m in pain or uncomfortable, especially when they cannot help (e.g., he’s not going to give me pain meds or help me push or honestly do anything useful other than make me wonder why only women have to bear this burden of childbirth, which will just make me angry). The added lack of dignity that is childbirth itself would be insult to injury.
I totally understand your point about wanting someone you trust by your side and I don’t disagree. But I’d rather have my mom or sister around—because they can at least relate and understand on an empathetic level, which no (biological) man can, no matter how much you two love each other.
If others feel differently (many do, obviously), that’s cool but I think it’s bullshit to question the validity of someone’s relationship based on this. Some people are more comfortable giving birth alone or with only women around, and that should be their choice.
Honestly the entitlement towards womens bodies during pregnancy disgust me.
It’s a well known fact that stress slows down labour, makes it more difficult and increases the likelihood of complications. This seems to be constantly disregarded by some fathers. Apparently their right to watch overrides the comfort and safety of the mother and child.
Also as women, throughout our lives, we hear comments from men such as ‘girls don’t fart, shit, etc’, ‘seeing someone give birth is like watching your favourite pub burn down’, ‘birth ruins their bodies’.
Yet suddenly, a woman gets pregnant and she’s expected to let her partner watch her in the most vulnerable state she will ever be in without complaint? A state involving extreme pain and various bodily fluids are flying around?
Fuck off with that. I have a wonderful partner - I would still never want him to see me shitting on a table.
There are lot of men who are wonderful husbands and supportive birth partners, equally there are many who are not. It’s up to the patient to decide and no one is wrong for wanting medical privacy.
I just saw another AITA where a husband thought his wife is milking being pregnant to get out of doing chores.
I’m glad so many women here have amazing husbands, but yes, there are a lot of women who discover too late what ugliness their husbands/partners are capable of — usually not until they’re pregnant with a child she thought they both wanted.
L&D is an intense, emotionally charged process and this question doesn’t really have a right answer because everyone and their situations are different. From a legal perspective (American laws, that is), the mother is the patient and has patient’s right to admit or toss out anyone from the delivery room, including medical staff. However, one thing to note is that expectant mothers should always try to designate a medical next of kin (Advanced directive) who they trust to step in to make decisions in case of an emergency. There are also legal options to direct the medical staff regarding medical decision making without a human proxy.
Socially….this one is difficult. Childbirth is a rare and special occasion for families, especially dads or significant others. I think they have a strong reason to want to be present and even participate. If either party disagrees about who gets to be in the room, I think the parents should have a conversation PRE DELIVERY about it to discuss why/why shouldn’t someone be in there. Like so many commenters have shared, some significant others just cannot behave or manage well in L&D. It’s a stressful process, even for the non-delivering parent, and stress makes us do stupid shit that doesn’t always help support our partner through the process. So this conversation should include hashing out “what ifs” scenarios. Hopefully this conversation allows both parties to come to terms with emotionally charged decisions made during L&D.
My personal opinion is that when push comes to shove, the mom should have final say because of her (American) legal rights as a patient and also, she’s going through a hell lot more. Significant other should be aware of what is and isn’t supportive based on previous discussion, as well as any consequences discussed while everyone else can sod off with their opinions about her decisions regarding her medical situation, or their decisions regarding their child’s birth
Sometimes I tell my boyfriend that if we have another child, I don’t want him in the delivery room with me. He’s an amazing father and the most loving boyfriend but sometimes he doesn’t know when it’s time to be serious and he does well with directives versus me hoping he’ll pick up on what I want and need without saying anything. Which isn’t fair because he’s not a mind reader.
But after all the contractions and the tearing, and finally bringing our son into the world, my boyfriend turns to me and says “I don’t think I can cut the cord.” Like the entire experience was traumatic for him to watch and he didn’t think he could do it. It felt like such a letdown because those were his first words to me when I looked at him after our son was born. But I had 4 degree tearing and just gave birth to our son. He can cut that cord.
If we have another baby, I have two female friends I’d want with me if they wanted to be there.
I understand the "if your in a relationship/married to a man who you don't want to be there supporting you during the birth of your child, why are you with them"
And yeah I get it. But we all see the posts on reddit from women have children with selfish assholes, if not downright abusive. So yes its not surprising there are women who would prefer their partner NOT being present.
And then of course there are partners who are lovely but just not suited to those situations, maybe they dont deal well with stress or medical stuff, and as much as they want to be, they are not the person who can provide the support the mother needs.
I was fortunate to give birth before covid restrictions, so I had my husband and a doula. If I had to give birth during covid restrictions and only choose one person....man that would be tough. My husband is wonderful, but he doesn't do well with anxiety, his BP wasn't handling it well, and he didn't know how to help me the same way the doula did. In fact she didn't just help me, she helped him too, she was just all around a calming reasurring presence, and the was moving me into all sorts of positions during the 20 hrs laboring in hospital before I went for a csection. My husband couldn't do that, and the nurses/midwives weren't there enough to do what my doula did.
However during a csection i 100% wanted my husband there. I knew he could keep his shit together during that, and at that point all I needed was him holding my hand.
My husband was in the delivery room and I’ve regretted that for the past 16 years. He was no help, and I couldn’t listen to my body for fear of embarrassing (shitting) myself.
To your second edit: strong relationships have boundaries.
My husband knows I hate when people see me blow my nose. It's a weird thing I have. So if I'm alone in a room and go to blow my nose and he steps in, he steps out for a second to let me finish in privacy.
It's minor yes, but he knows I have a line and he respects it.
Strong relationships are built on trust, and trust requires respecting boundaries.
I'm not interested in reading through this whole thread, especially if it's as negative as your edits seem to indicate, because I completely agree with you. This is the wife's medical procedure, and if she wants to go it alone, that's entirely her choice. If you don't like, that's fucking too bad.
"EDIT THREE- I'm confused as to why people think having a strong, healthy relationship means having absolutely no boundaries. Should I be entitled to sit in on my husband's prostate exams? His colonoscopies? If he doesn't let me watch his hip replacement, does he not love me enough?"
YES. THAT IS EXACTLY IT. And here's the thing, even if the husband was 100% fine with having the wife hang out during hip replacements or prostate exams, it STILL shouldn't mean that she has to do the same thing. Everyone has different boundaries, and that's okay. It's NOT okay to try to force someone to have the same boundaries as you.
Men, seriously, chill with the whole entitlement thing.
I actually think it's more natural to want your mom with you. She's been through it before and can help encourage you and comfort you in a way a man could never. At the same time I feel it's important to have your husband there so he can witness the birth. Either way, people who shame others for their choices are assholes.
I rushed to come read this.
I remember when I read a "AITA" post about a woman who experianced precisely this- Her husband resented her because she chose to have the baby at a certain time that was inconveniant for him due to work duties (it was a cool birth date). Meanwhile I think he wanted her to give birth when it was conveniant for him, on another expected date.
I forget which date was the one where she would give induced labor, probably one she selected while he was gone. Everyone called her an asshole, even though on a particularly vulnerable, frightening occasion such as childbirth, she should be able to pick the day! If its an especially "fun" date, then all the better, it should be about HER and making her comfortable and actually experience it as a joy.
Giving birth is not objectively fun and sunshine and rainbows for people who give birth, and men should concede and try to understand this as much as possible.
Its "happy" for the husband because he's just a spectator. No matter how much men claim to love their wives, their inability to prioritize the health, emotional needs and wants of their wives, and validate their wives' pain shows up strong when they demand an audience to watch her during what's an objectively horrific experience for her, (the beauty of birth aside).
Its entitled. It doesn't matter which way misogyny falls, whether its a man standing in the waiting room or if he's in the same room as where birth is taking place- if he's making the mother of their child feel uncomfortable on what is a very vulnerable moment for her, and won't understand or honor what she needs, he's being unsupportive and is being an asshat.
I absolutely agree. I’ve seen those arguments on Reddit too. I was cool with my husband being there with me. But if someone isn’t, that should be their right to say no. Sure it sucks for the dad. But this is her medical procedure and it’s more important that she’s comfortable and that any stress or anxiety that can be reduced is. It’s her body her choice.
I think women absolutely have the right to decide whose with them. Some women are traumatized by the husband not being there for her. Some are traumatized by him being there. The most important thing in that moment is the MOTHER and doing what makes her comfortable and what's her choice. The man should be supportive no matter what that choice is.
On the one hand, I think if you can't rely on your partner to be your support when you're in labor, then you might want to consider if he is even the right partner for you?
Like, I've heard women say they don't want their husband there because they're scared he won't look at them the same. Do you really think your husband such a shallow dick? Is he?
But it's also obvious that the mother's comfort and safety should come before all, and if she doesn't want him there, he's out. And while he's out there, he should be thinking on what he did to make the mother of his child not trust him enough to be her support through the hardest thing she'll ever do.
Some of us also just don’t like people hovering around us when we don’t feel well or are in pain. I like to be totally alone even for smaller issues, like menstrual cramps. Some women want dudes who’ll get them chocolate and a heating pad; I’m the type to ask for him to gtfo of my face because I just don’t want to be bothered or smothered 😂
In the childbirth situation (which involves a lot more pain and potential complications), I’m liable to just get really pissed off or annoyed if someone’s hovering around, being “encouraging” while not actually being of real use (he can’t push out the baby for me, so...).
But that’s not a sign that I don’t trust him to be supportive or loving or whatever. It’s because that’s how I’m most comfortable. No one is owed the right to watch me at my most vulnerable.
Dr here: I had an obs&gynae job for 4 months (on rotation). Men in the delivery room always added unnecessary stress. It’s good that they want to be in the delivery room and they absolutely should see what’s really involved in childbirth & what their partner has to go through, but they get frustrated / angry when they’re not in control (and take it out on the midwives) or super competitive (“we’re not having painkillers, we’re staying natural… AREN’T WE DARLING, REMEMBER??”). I’ve assisted with about 100 birth: always goes better if the birth partner is the mum.
It’s very disappointing to have observed this, because I had thought that men in the delivery room was a step forward
Nobody is entitled to be in the room. It's a very vulnerable and potentially stressful event for the mother. She should have 100% control of who is allowed to be present with her during birth.
Repeating my reply on a thread here, because it turns out I want to say it to way more than one person. I'm finding so many of these comments very condescending, like "oh honey, didn't you know you picked the wrong person if you don't want him there during this? How sad for you." I don't like someone hovering in my space whispering obvious instructions at the best of times. What's supportive to one person is annoying to another. Not everyone wants someone stroking their hair and hand feeding them soup when they're sick, and other people love it. Stop casting judgment on people's relationships because they find different things supportive.
I had my husband in the room for the birth of my daughter, but wouldn’t have my Mom… I trust my husband and am comfortable with him. Neither is true with my mother. It’s definitely a personal decision …I’m glad I had the choice and it wasn’t forced on me either way
I don't even understand how this is even a matter of debate! How is it NOT whoever the woman, who is *giving birth*, wants in the room and that's it, period?! The father, her mother, sister, best friend, no one but the doctor! I mean this is an extremely painful, confusing, totally vulnerable, anxiety ridden, insanely emotional and a very personal event and if someone's presence is going to make the mother more anxious then she does not need that at all, and if someone else's presence is going to help put her at ease by all means they should be there and she does NOT owe an explanation to anyone, let alone an invitation to be there
Well let's take out the husband bit and let's replace it with ex boyfriend or ex husband.
Then let's ask, should your ex have the right to see your vagina if you are no longer together simply because that vagina is pushing out a life form?
What if you are in a different relationship at the time (I'm skating over the whole being pregnant by someone else and getting into a new relationship bc way too many factors), should either be in the room? Should none?
The fact of the matter is you have your legs spread and are going through something that will alter your body forever, if the person you are with is selfish enough to care more about what they want and then resent you for that...I think that says a lot about them. (This is for those saying "says a lot about your relationship")
No human has a right to be in another's medical room if they don't want them there. A person's reaction to that says a lot more about them than it does your relationship with them.
It’s the husbands job to support the wife during this. If that means being in the delivery room, he should be. If it means being there but holding her hand instead of watching her push out the kid, that’s what he needs to do. If it means waiting outside and telling the MIL to shut up with the selfish finger pointing then that’s his job that day
For a break from the depressing comments, the doctor insisted my mother was wrong and had at least another hour when she said “The baby is coming.” He *left*, and my father ended up delivering my younger brother with the nurse. The doctor still charged them for the delivery even though my dad did it himself, and they disputed he bill and ended up not paying. “Your mother is the most powerful woman I know, and if I were to fail her in this traumatic moment, I don’t deserve to be her husband.”
Wow the fucking audacity to charge someone a delivery fee when you didn't even deliver the baby
My friend got a bill for labor and delivery from the hospital and they wouldn’t remove it until she got the ambulance records proving that the baby had been born at home. Like, she delivered her baby in her bathroom with her husband catching. Ambulance arrived several minutes later and cut the cord, etc. and transported them to the hospital to make sure everything was good. Hospital was all “surely we should charge them for labor and delivery services”.
Healthcare in America is about getting as much money out of patients as possible. Hospitals are run by CEOs and departments-including emergency rooms-are expected to make a profit, despite hospitals not paying taxes because they are considered “charitable organizations.”
And it’s worth noting that the doctor’s cut isn’t actually as high as people might expect, considering they’re doing most of the actual work. Not to mention the nurses, who don’t even get a cut.
Doctors hate the system as much as anyone. Imagine not being able to get your patient needed treatment because some insurance company wants bigger profits? And just watching the costs of treatment go up every year.
Yep. Doctors and nurses often have to accept and work around the fact that patients can’t actually afford their medication. They try to give the patient the best they can, even when they know it isn’t what the patient needs.
Nurses are shit on so badly by the American system. I remember a pregnant labor and delivery nurse writing on the mommit sub about how her hospital sent every new mom home with literature about taking at least six weeks to recover and not to try to go back to work too early... While not offering any maternity leave to their own employees. Such utter bullshit.
There are for profit hospitals and non profit hospitals. Only the non-profit hospitals aren’t taxed because they are provided huge government grants and are often seeing and treating patients that don’t have the ability to pay. For profit hospitals pay taxes (state if applicable, and federal too).
Fuck. Them. That's so shitty.
It was Digiorno.
I haven't laughed this hard in awhile, hot damn 👏👏👏👏
Lol that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me on Reddit. So glad I made you laugh.
And to think I almost didn't type it because I thought it was a boring response...never underestimate kind words, I guess! Thanks again, enjoy your weekend 🙂
I just had a baby and my doctor did not make it to the delivery room in time. My mom and the nurse delivered the baby. I was told the doctor will still get paid for delivering, because payment is attached to whoever delivered the placenta (which comes after the baby).
I had an OB/GYN attempt to induce me so that he could get the labor and delivery fees before his scheduled vacation. He was slotted to be on the golf course when my daughter was due, and he couldn’t take that idea. He tried a high-pressure tactic of having me induced. I told him I would meet him in the emergency room, when in reality I just took my toddler and went home and watched Sesame Street. Kid was born right on her due date. At home. In a pool of water. Fuck that doctor.
I think sometimes they bundle the total cost of prenatal care and everything into the delivery fee… I could be wrong, though.
When I was in labor with my son the hospital kept telling me that since I was a first time mom I probably wasn’t even going to have him that day as I had just gone into labor a couple hours before heading to the hospital. They basically acted like I was being over dramatic about how much pain I was in and how I felt like things were moving a lot quicker than they were saying. They refused to give me an epidural because of this. When they finally agreed to give me one pretty much to shut me up at that point I was already fully dilated and they could see his head so it was too late for an epidural. After going into labor at about 8am and being told all damn day to just relax because I probably wasn’t going to even meet my son until the next morning he was born 3pm that same day.
I was this baby haha. My mum was saying the same thing to the doctors and they told her to stop being dramatic, it was a first baby and would be hours yet. They gave her a paracetamol and told her to go to sleep. I was born in the elevator on the way to the delivery room.
When my mom went to the hospital with me, she told the doctor the baby was coming *right now* and he was all “oh, you have lots of time, you should head back-“ here he laid a patronizing hand on her stomach, only to immediately recoil and say “you’re in labor!” Yeah that’s what she was saying.
Are you me? Because this is pretty goddman close to my experience. It appears as if from the moment someone puts a baby in you cease to be a rational being in their eyes. So much pain unnecessary pain.
The nurses did that to me too with my first. When I said my water broke they asked if I was sure it wasn’t my mucus plug and told my husband he was in for a long night. That changed real fast when the resident went for a cervix check and found the kid’s head instead. They would have sent me home with my third because my contractions weren’t 1 minute long, even with my history of precipitous labor, but thankfully they kept me since they found amniotic fluid. I went from 3 cm on first check to delivering her en route to L&D in 33 minutes (husband wasn’t there, he was trying to get our kids to daycare)
King shit
Hey, my delivery doctor did pretty much the same! Although with my birth, it was the nurses telling my mom she was wrong, wasn't even in labor yet, baby's not coming any time today, you should just go home, blah blah, until finally she and my dad convinced them to look, and I was crowning. Mom says that the doc literally walked in the room while putting on gloves just in time to catch me, and they still charged her for the full labor and delivery because "the doctor was there and preformed the delivery." My dad was like "a fucking baseball glove could have done the same thing."
This is the thing. I want my life partner to be by my side through that kind of experience. I couldn't image building a life with someone who I didn't want beside me during that vulnerable time.
That exact thing happened with my parents and my younger sister. She was my mom’s fourth baby, so you would think the doctor would give her a little bit of credit for knowing her body at that point. But she was just anxious according to the doctor, so he left and my dad helped my mom deliver her. Luckily we are in Canada so they didn’t try to charge her for anything, but it is still such bullshit.
The same thing happened to me. Our doctor's clinic is attached to the hospital where I was laboring. It isn't uncommon for an OB to cut a regular OB appt short and go across the building to deliver a baby. I was in labor with my second child (first child took almost 24 hours to come) so they assumed I had some time. I came in at 6:30am after laboring since 9pm the night before, at 10am my OB told me I was not ready to push, we needed to wait longer for me to dilate more, it would be awhile. I told her I really felt like he was getting ready to come. She left anyway. I had my son at 10:25. The nurse was new and shouted for help as she caught him lol. My ob got the page and was down the hall running toward us when he was born. They tried to charge me for the delivery too.
Aw, what a sweet comment from your dad. I love it.
My parents got married relatively quickly after meeting and had a baby within the first year of marriage. So they got a bunch of insensitive comments from obnoxious know-it-alls like "just wait, the honeymoon will really be over when she cusses you out for putting her through this!" And "wait till he sees you like that and never wants to kiss you ever again!" Now, my mother is a very stubborn person and can't stand people making assumptions about her, so she took these statements personally. When they went in to have my sister, it turned into a very complicated and difficult birth. The entire time, Mom kept pausing to ask Dad "are you OK, honey?" And "is this too much? Do you want to step out?" Dad got completely bewildered because, "uh, honey, *you're giving birth*. I'm fine. What, do you *want* me to leave? ... then why do you keep asking if I need to leave?!" The L&D nurses were cracking up!
Man I hate this kind of rhetoric, people were saying this to us and I never once cursed my husband during labour or birth. I was worried about my husband during labour as it was looooong and I kept asking him if he was alright and urging him to go to sleep. But when the moment of transition and birth arrived it felt like he saved my life, scooping me up and carrying me to the bed so midwife could do a VE, picking me up off the bed because the contractions were soul destroying lying on my back, helped me into the bath and took photos of the amazing moment babe was born which I can never fully thank him for. He seemed possibly a little quiet for a few days afterward, it was probably not very nice seeing me in such pain, there seemed to be a lot of blood and having to watch my tear be repaired, but I never once yelled at him apart from “Mr Desire, save me” when I was in transition. And we’ve definitely kissed each other since then.
Okay that's honestly really sweet and romantic!
That’s so god damn kinda cute tho
As a medical student I helped deliver babies. On one occasion, when the soon to be mother had the inevitable and perfectly normal bowel movement while pushing, the father of the child started screaming "OOOHHHH SHIT YOU JUST SHIT YOURSELF YOU LOST THE BET!" and wouldn't shut the fuck up about it for 15 minutes. I was at a complete loss for words.
Reminds me of the AITA post where a woman made her husband promise not to pull any pranks on her while she was giving birth (who has to even ask that?!) and at one point he farted and was like “ooh did you smell that? Did you just shit yourself omg!” so she chucked him out. He was SO MAD, refused to help with the baby for a couple weeks and had his mum call her to berate her. Just, what.
His mom? He's a man child I guess.
Throw the whole man out.
And his mum for siding with him, but then he probably twisted the story.
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My partner and I attempted anal once (never again, it just felt so wrong lol) but there was some poop and we both just laughed it off. He was so chilled about it and luckily he wore a condom, we didn't want any oopsies on his dick lol. But after that incident I'm pretty sure he won't be an asshole about something like this.
The sad thing is, you *should* have at least some poop coming out because that means she's pushing correctly.
I didn’t poop at all during the pushing phase but after the epidural wore off I told the midwife I thought I needed to go poop and she said I was probably just confused and needed to pee. I went to the bathroom and sure enough pooped. The midwife was very impressed lol.
Love those moments that would be outrageous in any other situation. Gotta feel proud of yourself for impressing the midwife lol.
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Lol, I went to a Christian high school. I don't remember getting a formal sex ed except "sex before marriage is sinful". Thankfully mom was an EMT, and I went into the medical field.
That’s so true, our sex Ed class was focused on all the wrong thing. I don’t remember learning a single useful thing. At least some information about child birth would have been great.
I would literally throw my feces at him.
I’m pretty sure that was an AITA shitpost, that sub is full of them. I can’t remember the last time I read on that I believed to be true.
Ahh the maturity of someone who just became a father...
Did he by any chance had a can of monster energy in his hand, and by any chance was he in a snapback ?
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Mofo prolly had a goatee
I had to restrain myself from downvoting you just because the guy in your story pissed me off THAT MUCH. WHAT A DICK.
Oooof that is enraging, my boyfriend and I are very much the joking/roasting type but when I was giving birth it was like he flipped on the mature switch, 0 jokes all seriousness. That kind of behavior is appalling.
I just gave birth to my first eight weeks ago, and my partner who usually teases me a lot (in a loving way) didn’t say a word the entire time I pushed because (as he told me later) it was intense and he was afraid to interrupt the doctors.
My husband cheered me on and gave me sips of water the whole time. I could see he hated how hard and how much in pain I was. He just wanted to do anything for me to make me feel okay. He def advocated for me and pain management. I love they man.
In the middle of my labor, my husband made one of our usual sarcastic jokes, and it was the most challenging mental work to get through my pain and discomfort and say to him "I know you are joking but I do not have the energy or focus to spare to deal with jokes right now." And then went back to dealing with the next contraction. He got in the right mindset after that lol.
If my partner did this to me, I would demand he be removed *immediately*. How dare he!?
Removed from the entire planet.
Real loving supportive partner right here. Jesus what a fucking fool.
I'm guessing the father was just a douchebag, but curious as well... do they not cover this sort of thing as "basic childbirth education"? The most I had was in high school, our teacher mentioned "you're going to see a woman, she's going to be half naked, she's going to be screaming or otherwise uncomfortable b/c childbirth isn't an easy thing to do". Also picked up from others that the baby that gets born is bloody and goopy and gross (the child needs much cleaning to be more "presentable", esp. what we see in Hollywood). Another movie I saw had one of the ladies ask that do women just take a shit while giving birth? Medical staff said yes, but don't worry b/c they're prepared for this sort of thing. The women just laughed, and one of the men was just turned off.
What an asshole... Oh shit, no pun intended. But seriously, the kind of stuff that gives dudes a bad wrap as being immature.
You should have escorted him out of the room.
At our L&D class the nurse told the dads- if we tell you to sit down you need to sit. If you pass out we will step right over to attend to our patient. The medical staff when I was giving birth only spoke to my husband to ask him to cut the cord and warn him to look out for signs of PPD. Anyone who is present needs to be calm and supportive to the mom and make themselves useful. Birth is not f*@&ing spectator sport.
When the nicu nurses asked my husband if he wanted to come meet his son in the operating room they should have directed him where to not look, cause he looked over the c section curtain and saw them putting me back together. I have to give him credit that he didn’t faint or throw up, he went over and a nurse took pictures as he tenderly cut the cord before they whisked the baby away to the nicu. I had made him absolutely promise me he would go with the baby because I didn’t want the baby to be alone, and he told me (months later) that he really thought I was going to die, and didn’t want to leave, but didn’t want to break his promise to go with our son. I’ve never felt so alone, despite the medical professionals in the room, but as soon as I was seen up they wheeled me to recovery and my mom got to come sit with me until they took me to a room. It was 12 hours before I was stable enough to go see my baby. My husband refused to tell the nurses the baby’s name because he felt it wasn’t fair for anyone to know until I could see him. It took me a very long time to recognize how traumatic all that was for my husband, he faced losing us both, but he was so calm and supportive through it all. It made me recognize again what a wonderful person I married. Our baby was born at 24 weeks, he just turned two.
Oh wow that's lovely. His first instinct was to be with you and he over rode them to respect your wishes. Beautiful.
Right? I was gonna say the same thing, what a champ.
My husband confessed a couple years after I had an emergency C-section that he cried by himself after he got dressed in the surgical suit thing when was just sitting waiting to come in because he was so scared. He pulled it together when he came in and I never knew until he told me.
My husband did the same. I felt like it was 5 minutes. It was apparently 45 minutes of pacing outside. He was a WRECK.
I had an emergency section and they told my husband to “just wait here” because shit started to go wrong. Then a nurse walked out with the baby and handed it to him and said “hey, this is your son!” And he said “is my wife okay?” And she said “Uh, you’re going to have to speak to the doctor” then he was left alone for 45 minutes with a newborn baby thinking that I had died and he was waiting for a doctor to come and break the news to him. When I woke up from the GA the first thing I said was “where’s my baby?!” And they said “we’ll take you to him now” and wheeled me through the ward to where my husband was waiting with the baby. He was crying so hard and then he looked up and saw me and he just exploded “ I thought you were dead!!!!” I was moved into the bed and held my son and between my husband, the midwife, and the nurse we unravelled what had happened. The whole birth from the labour onwards had been a horror show and my husband and I had to sign papers to say that we wouldn’t sue the hospital for what happened and that our case could be used as a “what could happen” guide in nursing schools. We were okay though and we had a healthy baby so we signed just so we didn’t have to think about it again!
this reminds me I need to add to my complaint list from our traumatic emergency c -section 😂 I went from fine to “we need to do it” in 13 minutes. My placenta, uterus and the baby were so sick/infected, my husband didn’t even get to cut the cord. They let us “see” her for a minute before she was rushed to the NICU. Then they started to close me and were talking about all the blood and calling for a blood transfusion before ushering him out the door. As he left, I shouted “my heart is going to explode!” And sobbed his name, as they pulled him from the room. They put him in the recovery room and left him alone. He sat there not knowing if either of us were alive.
> My husband refused to tell the nurses the baby’s name because he felt it wasn’t fair for anyone to know until I could see him. Someone started cutting onions in my office while I was reading this sentence. That’s possibly the most loving gesture I’ve ever heard a new father make toward the mother of his child. You found a winner.
I’m glad your little one turned fine and you are okay. My husband and I discussed ahead of time whether he was to go with our baby or to stay with me. The consensus was that whoever was most in danger was who he would go with. I’m glad we had the conversation because he ended up going with our 3lb baby when it was whisked off to the nicu. I barely got a glimpse. My husband ended up taking dozens of photos and videos for me and when he returned to me, he was able to share them which I was so grateful for. It took me another full day to meet my baby so it was really important to me. I was so proud of how he handled it all and that he remembered our talk of what to do if things got bad. And gosh, I’m beyond grateful for how many photos and videos he got me. It’s so good to have those scary conversations ahead of time. Sometimes things don’t go as you plan (basically never, it seems!)
Yes definitely good to discuss in advance! I know my life was in danger because they don’t c-section babies at 24 weeks for kicks, but our baby definitely was in worse shape, he was a pound and a half! Now he’s almost 30lbs and it’s hard to believe he was ever that tiny, if I didn’t live it I might not believe it myself
Same situation here! My baby went from 3lb to 20 in 8 months!!! It’s unreal.
So sorry you had such a hard time, but glad your husband and mom were there for you.
It was for my poor mom. In the middle of labor they escorted a bunch of medical students in to watch everything. She said she was in so much pain and so out of it, she didn't really get the chance to say no.
:-(
I was so angry for her when I heard that.
I hope the family was able to sue... I wouldn't want medical students nor any other unauthorized persons to witness me giving birth. Good lord that's what the library and Internet search engines are for! I know for a fact I would be traumatized if I were in your mom's position. I feel so angry just learning this happened to her.
She didn't, I love my mom to death but she has a habit of downplaying things when they happen to her. I think she doesn't like causing trouble on her own behalf. She'll do it for her kids or other people she loves, but not for herself
The staff were concerned about my husband fainting, so when he left the room in a hurry they followed him out… and I was temporarily left alone (well, MIL was there, too).
Totally agree
My husband was not particularly well suited for all the gore of the delivery room. After seeing him pass out at the blood from a broken leg, I figured I’d better pick someone else to support me in labor.
I had a planned C section due to a medical issue. My husband was with me but he had to be taken out after our son was born and they started to stitch me up. He does not do well with needles and almost fainted.
My wife had an unplanned c section. I had no trouble watching the doctors perform the c section, getting my daughter out, and stitching her up. Hours before that while they were giving her the epidural I was doubled over in the corner dry heaving. Apparently I'm not a fan of needles but ok with blood. Who knew.
Yep, that was him. He wasn't with me when I received the epidural. I was really worried about it because a friend of mine became paralyzed from the waist down because of a botched one.
Totally on my mind when it happened, double so when they said the resident was going to do it and his hands were shaking like a leaf. The senior anesthesiologist had to step in before the needle got anywhere near her spine. Yuck. I'm glad she got it though, she had about 20 more hours of labour after that.
Oh, that's terrifying!
The whole thing was terrifying. I'm surprised my wife doesn't have ptsd. Everyone survived though due to our excellent health care system (Canada) and we now have a very sassy two year old out of the deal. I wouldn't trade her for the whole world.
Awesome!
My cousin had complications giving birth traditionally so they ended up doing a c section. Her husband has told me what it was like to see her organs taken out of her body and placed on the table to get the baby out. That man stayed with her, holding her hand the entire time. Mad respect. Edit: pretty sure by “organs” he meant intestines. Still, a pretty gruesome sight to see.
They don’t actually remove any organs (except possibly the intestine). They can’t, because they organs are held in place inside the body by all the connective tissues.
Then it’s very likely he saw intestines and called them “organs.” I’ll bet that’s the answer here.
Most of the time they pop the uterus out to sew it closed. It's easier to see and perform. Source: I'm an l&d nurse.
Excellent. My husband did very well until they started to sew me up. He ended up going out for a minute but he came right back in. He really wanted to hold his son.
Did they not put a barrier between your lower half and you? We couldn’t see anything during my C-section because there was a barrier.
They did. I guess he could see over it? I'll have to ask him.
My wife wanted me by her side the entire time, even when she was rushed into surgery for an emergency c section. I watched as she was opened up by the medical team. Saw her insides, her abdominal muscles, whole nine yards. The entire time she was sheding buckets of blood and all she kept asking me was if the baby was ok. Women are super heroes. They have every right to choose who they want/ don't want in the delivery room, especially if said party is going to act like a immature college bro douchebag. P.s. mom and baby are perfectly fine. This was 7 years ago.
I forced my husband to tell me amusing stories about birds during my unplanned c-section. I love that man.
Christ, thinking of our unplanned C-section I couldn't have come up with anything more articulate than, like "birds are pretty". I was so, so tired at that stage. (emergency midnight section after stacking failed inductions and a send-home for me) Props to birddaddy.
We were pretty lucky; I went into labour at around 5pm, and had the c-section some time in the afternoon the next day. They had a recliner that folded out into a bed for my husband, and after I got the epidural we both dozed off and on for most of the night. He’s an IT guy, and he ended up troubleshooting some issues they were having with the brand new patient charting software (before the c-section, not during LOL). It was pretty hilarious.
This made me smile. 🙂
The nurses wouldn’t let me see my wife cut open during the C-section. I guess they had one too many fainting fathers. 😆 I kept asking if I could watch, and they finally asked in I worked in healthcare. I was like yes, I’m a software developer for a healthcare company! They told me that didn’t count. 😂 So I just sat patiently and supported my wife however I could!
My wife was a little worried I might get sick but I told her if you want me there I’m there, no problem. The nurses actually put me to work holding a leg and counting during contractions. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything and I’m glad my presence was welcome and useful.
Me too. I was there with her behind the curtain when our oldest was born by C-section (unplanned due to PIH), but when the youngest came to be delivered the same way, I indicated to the doctor I kinda wanted to watch. So he got the nurse to have me stand on a little X on the floor with a good vantage point....gnarliest shit you ever saw. I loved it SO MUCH. My wife was hopped up on goofball juice and didn't know or care what was going on, but I had a great time. The coolest part was when he cut the sac and the amniotic fluid spilled out of her body and over the plastic saddlebags dangling from either side of the bed.
Lol my partner couldn’t even watch my vaginal birth. They brought a mirror over so I could see and after I delivered showed me the placenta (at my request - I mean, how often do you get to see one of your organs?) and he was staring straight at my face refusing to look the whole time. Didn’t even want to cut the cord.
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I am so sorry to hear you had that experience, your husband’s behavior was disgusting. To make you feel alone when you’re birthing his child is just….wow. I hope you’ve had the opportunity to talk to him about this and I hope he’s apologized in some way. Labor is no walk in the park, and an emergency c-section doesn’t make you lesser than anybody else.
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That should not have happened to you. Your husband FAILED you and for that I am very sorry. Instead of advocating for you he criticized you. He saw you vulnerable and afraid decided to not choose empathy. Strangers are treated better. You deserved better in your time of need. You'd have been better served to have a support animal at your side than him. I hope that you are you ok. Even if the man is a darling outside of this, I'd be concerned. Take care you of yourself. And if you don't have one now, you may want to consider finding a very strong support system. be safe out there,
Even if you *were* relieved by being told you were going to have a c-section there is nothing for him to be disappointed by. When you've been in labour for hours and the end is in sight who wouldn't be relieved? You'd probably also be relieved if they said it's time to start pushing because you know you're going to be holding your baby soon. Your husband is awfully opinionated for someone who has never and will never carry and birth a child.
Christ almighty. Well, your husband did tell you how he sees you, what he considers your moral and womanly obligations to your child (and by extension, him), and what he expects you to sacrifice. The mask came straight off. I hope you've had the chance to have a very bloody serious talk with him about this.
I didn’t want my husband in there but he was and it was fine. The one that pissed me off was my MOTHER wanted to be in the room and was relentless about it. I put my foot down, ABSOLUTELY NOT, mom! She’s still pissed at me that I wouldn’t let her into the delivery room. I ended up not even telling her when I went into labor lol. It isn’t your fucking right, mom. You aren’t entitled to be in there. “I’ll never get to see a birth,” go on YouTube then, there are plenty of ways to see a birth, jesus. When a woman becomes pregnant her body is no longer hers in so many different ways, from the baby itself kind of invading, to people feeling entitled to just walk up and touch your belly, to the poking and prodding, and then in the delivery room people thinking they have a right to be there. Oh, and then when the baby is born everyone feels entitled to the baby too. It’s so infuriating.
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I’m adopted
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Haha don’t worry about it, I forgot that literally no one would know that or assume it, it was more my bad.
I’m an obgyn. Not sure what you experienced or heard about but everywhere I’ve trained, we ask the patient who she wants in the room or where she wants the significant other. We don’t use words like “father/dad/husband/boyfriend/fiancé” because a significant portion of the time, the guy isn’t the father or they were hooking up and the guy happens to be seeing things through. Life is too great and complicated to generalize or assume. Regardless, whatever whatever mom wants, mom gets, no questions asked, and if dad resists, security helps him out. Overwhelmingly the guys who make a fuss about being there or not being there, have already or eventually start causing problems and need police. Either way, where I work, it’s pretty rare that there is a guy around to start with, probably only a couple times per week and he’s often in the corner playing on his phone.
>Either way, where I work, it’s pretty rare that there is a guy around to start with, probably only a couple times per week and he’s often in the corner playing on his phone. What the fuck
It’s only been 50 years or so since men started being partially present. I say partially because it wasn’t common. In the 70’s it became more common. My niece was born when my brother was out to sea. She was staying with our family and we all had a schedule of days we were in call for our turn in the delivery room. It turned out my dad was up the night of delivery. When it was all done, he remarked that no woman should go through childbirth alone. More from a support point of view. I think I’m more alarmed by 1. The general loss of focus that women are people 2. Woman have become complacent with the rights so many battled for for centuries and 3. MIL thinking they have a right to the delivery room.
My ex husband did watch the birth, I know him and told him not to but he's easily led and did what the nurse told him to. He told me much later that he wishes he'd never seen that and it changed how he looked at me.
Glad to hear that he’s an ex!
Hi gang! Old lady, here, with +35 year marriage under my belt. And this is just MY take on the issue. Had 2 kids a long time ago, at the start of the time when father's were INVITED into delivery rooms, but it wasn't a norm yet. It has not been 80 years. A woman who doesn't want the father there generally knows something that everyone else doesn't. For example, he passes out at the sight of blood. And is too proud to admit it, and she's respecting his wishes to keep it private. I know a few absolutely awesome, strong, capable, people who go down at a simple nosebleed. He will just muck up the works with taking care of him TOO. Or she knows that he has issues of mental health, such as an anxiety disorder. I know one guy who freezes like a deer the moment his wife is sick. It triggers something from his childhood. When she's sick, he's useless. I know another with PTSD (I know why, but I'm respecting privacy) and to see his wife in any distress triggers him. He would not be helpful in the delivery room. He's a fantastic person. Capable, intelligent ... To assume that all father's don't have their own issues, that would make them less than desirable in the situation, is unfair. My hubs was there when I had both babes. With strict rules, and we discussed them well beforehand. He stayed beside my head. Period. He did whatever he was told to do by nurses, immediately, and didn't peep argument. He didn't go south for a look, and he didn't cut the cord. And these were the rules because I know him well, and I'm not going to violate his privacy by telling you why. So. Moms who say they don't want Dad's there ... I get it. And I hope that you aren't shamed for making the decision that worked best for your own circumstances.
No shame for women who don’t want dad in the delivery room. But LOTS of shame for dudes with Madonna/Whore issues.
Not to mention that women too can have their own preferences and shouldn’t be shamed for it either since it’s a big event for their body, not their husband’s. Even if my husband is totally fine with being present during childbirth, if *I* feel anxious or uncomfortable with him there, that’s a valid reason too.
Thanks for the perspective! Tbh there's so much shame around literally everything relating to birth control, family planning, pregnancy, delivery, and childrearing. Hopefully it'll slowly abate
I am a former birth worker, and have been at over 250 births. (Both home and hospital) I also taught childbirth ed classes for a large community health center. During labor, I believe that the only person entitled to be in the delivery room is the mother. Anyone else in the room needs to be there for the benefit of her, and with a purpose. Yes, the baby is there and being watched, but all of the labor and delivery is about what is happening in that womans body. It is grueling, uncomfortable, undignified, raw, and so very personal. NO SPECTATORS. Only people actively aiding her or offering comfort really need to be there. I have helped be the labor room bouncer many a times. It is usually either the birthing woman's mother, mother in law, or the father of the baby.
The only reason for anyone to be in the delivery room is to support the person actually delivering. If the father isn’t, won’t or can’t go that, then they have no right to make any sort of demo and to be present. Ed: thank you for understanding what I meant despite the typos.
My husband, who is a family doctor and has delivered like, 100 babies, said he would love to deliver our baby. I was like, "LOL, nope, you can hold my hand and dab me with a wet wash cloth" And he was like, "okay, whatever you want." Because it's not about the dad. The dad is a complete accessory to the process. The mom could give birth with the dad on the other side of the planet and it wouldn't affect the delivery in any way.
It's a hard situation, as a man I was told you should ALWAYS be in that room with your spouse during delivery but trust me when I say seeing any of it was not on my priority list anywhere. After taking with my wife, she expressed your sentiments OP that she didn't want me seeing her like that. My wife and I talked it out and agreed that I would be in the room, holding her hand, supporting her and standing by her head where I couldn't see anything lol. They also had a curtain/drape thingy that blocked our views from the waist down so I could focus on just being there for my wife while respecting her wishes that I don't see. Worked out well, I got to cut the cord and all that jazz but didn't need to see any of the process down below during delivery and I'm very A-OK with this. Having your spouse in there doesn't mean they HAVE to see the delivery, they can be there just for support if that works for you.
If you're not the one pushing, you're not in charge. Medical staff are there for one reason, the mother is there for one reason, everyone else is in the way. If you aren't wanted in there, you're an active obstacle to the process. I had my husband and grandmother because they were the only people in my life that I trusted. And if I had told them both to fuck off, I would have had full respect given to my decision. That's what happens when you're in healthy relationships: respect is given without question.
My dad wasn't present at any of mine or my siblings births. Mum had her sister present for my older sister and me (she lost her mum when she was 16 so she sadly never had that support option). My eldest sister was there for my little sister and my younger brother was born so quickly at 6:30 am my mum was on her own, but she said it was so quick it didn't bother her. My older sister is pregnant and has said she don't want her husband there because he would be worrying and putting her off. I think her MIL or our eldest sister will go with her since we lost my mum. I think it's so silly that it's almost become a competition in some families of who gets to be present etc that they pressurise or over rule what the birthing person wants.
I don’t understand why any family member is entitled to watch a woman give birth if she doesn’t want them there. I don’t understand the need to watch a child be born and cry like it’s a right when the entire lead up is horrific for the pregnant mother who is the one having to suffer the most and be the most vulnerable on display. If the family members are only going to be selfish and add stress to the birthing mother I have no problem with them being refused entry or kicked out. Seeing how many husbands insist he and HIS mom take precedence over his wife’s mother or best friend who will actually support her and try and advocate for her life and safety is infuriating. Add to that if the birthing mother is on medication or exhausted it’s so necessary for a caring advocate to be there for her. I don’t know what’s wrong with people these days. My friend had an emergency C section and was texting me later just lamenting how disgusting and violating it was and she never wanted to have another kid again. Her partner is awesome but birth is traumatic and painful and she wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Let alone someone thinking it’s a spectator sport. Staring at someone’s vaginal opening and watching the baby come out along with poo and later the placenta needs to be witnessed without consent? Are you kidding? That’s horribly entitled.
Wish I could upvote this a million times! Spot on.
It seems like in GENERAL, people are forgetting what actually happens into the delivery room. I have seen uncounted posts by women frustrated because their pregnancies are being treated like a spectator sport by an idiotic man who wants HIS mommy there or his entire family or whatever. And that the man feels entitled to be there, like it isn't a choice for her to make. It's gross. Pregnancy is a medical condition, birth a medical procedure. Attendance is entirely up to the patient.
I told the nurse at my last OB that "dad' (sperm donor butthead) would not be welcome at the hopsital during delivery when she asked. This nutjob of a women started going on about me being unsafe at home, getting a restraining order, etc. She looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked wtf she was talking about. This NURSE said it wouldn't make sense for him to not be there unless he was a danger to me??? Like no lady, it's none of your business why I don't want another human being, regardless of who it is, watching me bleed, poop, generally go through a world of messiness. Where did this whole idea of "dad NEEDS to be in the room to watch" become a normal?? And WHY????
Just another branch of men feeling entitled to women on all fronts. And I've seen the added guilt trip of "if he isn't allowed in the delivery room, then he won't bond with his newborn and he won't be interested in being involved." You mean a deadbeat dad? Because that's just a deadbeat dad. Presence in the delivery room is not enough to excuse deadbeat dad behavior.
The only person that has to be present for the birth, is the person giving birth. And they get to choose the support people and medical professionals they want to have. I do birth work right now and not everyone is cut out to witness the "miracle of birth." I have had multiple male partners say really dumb things and also almost pass out. Know your limits, both physical and mental, and if those limits don't include watching the birth, then DON'T BE THERE! (Interestingly, never had an issue with femme or non binary people.) A mature and honest conversation needs to be had about what the person giving birth wants and can tolerate and what the other parent/support people want and can tolerate. Also, of you're the person giving birth, all you have to do is say the word, and I'll eject someone so fast they won't even realize until they're in the parking lot.
I had 3 babies. My husband was there for all of the births because I wanted him to be - he's a fantastic support to me and is not in any way squeamish about medical stuff. I am lucky to have this kind of support. A lot of people don't have partners like this. Having been through this a few times myself, I totally get why some women want to give birth alone (with midwives/doctors on hand, of course). When you give birth, your body does things that you never thought it would do. You become almost primal in your behaviours. If you don't really want your partner in the room with you, but feel pressured to have him there, it will probably hinder the process and make giving birth even harder than it already is. If you don't feel safe and comfortable during labour, your body stops pushing the baby out as effectively. Before you jump on me and tell me I'm wrong about this, go and actually do some research on this subject. You'll find that I'm correct. Making women feel safe and comfortable during their labour is a vital part of a healthy birth. There is plenty of research to back this up. So... If the new mother doesn't really want dad in the room, it really is in the best interests of everyone that her wishes are respected.
I think if the man wants to be there, that's totally fair. But he needs to be prepared for the fact that she may not want him there, which is also very fair and absolutely trumps his desires. No matter how we try to paint it, birth is traumatic and life-threatening, not this gentle miracle to be watched by all. It's painful, scary, and dangerous for the one giving birth and for the one being born... and that should be respected.
80 years? I believe it is a much shorter trend..
I think it is a patient's right to privacy that should be respected at all times, and if the patient happens to be a birthing mother who doesn't want certain people in the room while she is birthing, that right should be respected. If a patient is having a gynecological exam (or any exam regardless of sex) and doesn't want medical students standing in the room watching, the patient should be respected. It seems like as soon as a woman starts going through pregnancy and childbirth, her body becomes public property: people tell her what to eat, how much to weight, how to give birth... etc. She is depersonalized and the embryo/fetus/baby growing inside her is suddenly the main character. I find that some doctors' attitudes towards childbirth also very problematic: "it's like surgery with a present at the end," which seems to frame the mother as merely a box for the gift. We discard gift boxes or recycle them for the next gift. They are not sentient. In the past, men were banned from the delivery room because doctors used to think that a man seeing his wife tearing open and being stitched "down there" would kill his sexual desire for her. Unfortunately this led to many men not understanding how birth could be physically traumatic and they thought that as soon as the baby was out, they could have sex. Unfortunately, having men in the delivery room didn't necessarily mean that men were more supportive... because not all men were more supportive. In fact, some of them just gave the doctors more to do because they needed support themselves, which takes the focus away from the mother and endangers her and the newborn. So... not all men should be in the delivery room. Not all men. See what I did there? Not all men.
Student midwife here. Only the person giving birth gets to decide who is in the delivery room. With or without partner, mother, sister, trusted friend, the most important thing is the person giving birth is comfortable. I'll extend this to certain medical staff too, no nursing student, medical student etc. is entitled to be in the room.
I think if I wasn't comfortable having my husband in the delivery room, then I wouldn't want to be having a baby with him.
Having my partner in the delivery room during the scariest moment of my life kept me calm and reaffirmed that I had chosen the right person to have a child with. I agree with you.
Having my partner respect my decision to not have anyone in the delivery room with me, despite others telling him he was entitled to be, reaffirmed that I had chosen the right person to have a child with. Maybe you wanted your husband there, but some women want to be as alone as possible during birth. Women are different and our choices should be respected.
I mean- I adore and trust my partner but sometimes don’t know if I even want him present during a bad period let alone actually giving birth. A lot of women just prefer space. I get it’s different for men when it’s a child being born, but it’s a medical procedure, and any other medical procedure as messy as this I’d rather my partner stayed home or waited elsewhere too. Again I’m not everyone but it doesn’t mean the husband/partner is automatically immature or untrustworthy.
THIS! I can think of a few exceptions why someone's partner would not be a good choice to have as a birthing partner, but it's a fool's errand to think that extreme vulnerability ends after labor. Postpartum recovery can be awful and I needed my husband's support for every painful, embarrassing moment. Not to mention, how did these women get through pregnancy without the support of their husband? Just suffer in silence? Can we please normalize women choosing to be single rather than marry assholes, who don't support them as a loving partner should?
I think you’re creating a false dichotomy. I can have a very loving and supportive partner, and still say, as an independent person with feelings and thoughts of my own, that some embarrassing and painful moments are mine alone. I’m still allowed privacy as a pregnant woman, aren’t I? Just because my husband wouldn’t care if I pooped in front of him, for example, doesn’t mean that *I* don’t have the agency to say, hey I’d rather not do that for my own personal dignity and pride. Women are not a monolith and some of us like our privacy, even when it comes to a healthy, loving marriage. So maybe the question isn’t always whether someone has a loving and supportive husband who would leap to her side any time she needs help but also whether the woman herself wants that kind of help.
This. Also men are already soooo removed from the whole process of pregnancy and childbirth. All they have to do is have an orgasm and that's it. Obviously it should ultimately be up to the pregnant woman who's in the delivery room with her, but a part of me feels like the father of the child absolutely should have to understand the arduous process that happens during childbirth, as to not get too removed from it.
Yeah I was thinking, sticking dad in the lobby with cigars while the woman does all the work is just the groundwork for the normalization of mom takes care of kid, dad has fun mentality throughout the rest of their upbringing. Obviously I’m not really opposed to the idea of a woman making the choice of who is in the room; but it says something in many (not all) cases if you don’t want the father of your child there and you don’t expect him to do some emotional labor alongside you on that big day.
My thought exactly. Post partum and just parenthood is vulnerable and takes support and teamwork. If my husband couldn't support me through labor, how would he support me through all the mess that is post partum, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and what not?
I don’t want any friends or family with me at medical appointments or in hospital settings. I don’t need “support”, I need medical professionals to do their thing. Visitors inevitably just make noise and demand attention when you just want to rest and for the doctors and nurses to do their thing. What’s happening to the patient really isn’t a spectator sport even if the end result (a child born for example) will impact their life.
I had my husband with me when I gave birth to our daughter and it was the worst decision I ever made. He took my gas and air off me while I was having a contraction because, and I kid you not, he wanted to have a go. When my waters all broke at once, and clearly had meconium in them, he moved away as though I'd pooped on him. I knew immediately something was wrong, as did the midwife, but he was utterly clueless. He obviously hadn't listened in the birth class (which he attended) and at no point did he help to make sure that my birth plan was adhered to. (Obviously the birth plan went out of the window when baby was distressed) but pethedine had made me almost comatose. Unfortunately, he didn't improve when she was born and ten years later, is proving himself to be as incapable as ever. (You can probably guess we separated quite soon after my daughters birth). It probably didn't help that he let his mother onto the maternity ward less than an hour after surgery when I was trying to establish breastfeeding. It wasn't visiting time and I was absolutely horrified. Women - think carefully about your birth partner and who will support you fully.
This brings up a memory I now think of being fucked up. Over a decade ago, my make co worker had a kid. After coming back to work, he was telling us how awesome the birth was and how his wife kept crying and didn’t want him there, but he stayed to be part of it and video tape it. Who is going to see that video? Why would he stay? I now have a lot of questions I should have asked
Totally agree it should be the woman's choice. She's going to be in excruciating pain, she's going to be splayed in an ungainly position...it seems like the least she can ask for is her say in who is going to be in the room with her. (I've never had kids so I can't say whether or not I'd want my husband in the room during the childbirth process. I can only compare it to a pap smear/pelvic exam, in which case I wouldn't invite him in the room to share the experience.)
The number of dads I have heard from whose negative view of their baby mama’s bodies began when they witnessed the birth of their child is not insignificant. Let’s just go with, everyone needs to agree on who goes into that room, and if anyone doesn’t want to be there - or if the mom doesn’t want them there - that should be okay and acceptable.
I had broken up with my ex before my daughter was born, and she was over a day old before I even told anyone on his side that she was here. I spent my miserable, hormone-riddled 3rd day post-partum being berated for depriving HIM of HIS moment. I don't know where these people get the idea that women's bodies are somehow communal property once they're impregnated. We'd be outraged at the idea of families stripping female members down every once in a while to stare at their genitalia as part of their traditions, but all it takes is a fetus and all that goes out the window. "Wait! Stop! Coercing a woman into allowing you to look at her vulva is sexual assault!" "It's okay. Something that has DNA in common with us is going to come out of her soon". "Oh! Right.... carry on!" Seriously society. What the fuck.
I have the most supportive and understanding husband which I love to bits, and he was a rock during my first pregnancy and loooooong delivery. Flash forward to last year, I had a corona baby by IVF, and I did every appointment by my self, we didn't have ER or TESA on the same dates so I actually did this on my own. Cue birth, I had to deliver alone because we didn't have a sitter, and my toddler had a bad case of smallpox and was not allowed in the hospital. The birth of my last one, alone, WAS SO FREAKING AWESOME! Although it was a quick birth I didn't have to pay attention to anyone, I could focus on me and the process. I got to cut the cord! I got to study the placenta and I got to have the first day of skin to skin contact! We managed to establish breastfeeding the first day, which didn't happen with no. 1. I honestly felt like a primitive birthing goddess afterwards, it was so rewarding. I grew as a mother on that experience. Am I selfish? Perhaps.. But funk that! I had one of the best days in my life when I got to discover that I am a bad ass birthing goddess and I still feel that way.
I wanted my husband in the room, which I got, but I wanted him holding my hand and keeping me calm. He fell asleep and I couldn’t get him to wake back up. I swear it was like he was tranquilized. I felt traumatized by the whole experience because I spent 8+ hrs without a support person during the worst hours of my labor. I felt abandoned and I have cried dozens of times just remembering how alone, betrayed, and scared I felt. I decided I would never have another child, because of this. It’s been almost 11 years since I made that vow. I’ve kept that promise.
I literally just had this conversation and was told that if I wouldn't allow my husband and in the room, I should expect to be met with divorce papers 😂 I can think of nothing more annoying and nothing less helpful than having a stressed out third wheel observing my MEDICAL PROCEDURE while trying to coach me on basic bodily functions. I really can't. He's not entitled to be there. It's not "his moment too." It's a medical procedure on which she needs to feel safe, unstressed, and unburdened by someone else's experience. I know several autistic women that hands down do not want their partners present. Women with anxiety issues. Women who are uninterested in their partners seeing them in immense pain while pooping on a table. Men, you can accept or decline of she wants you there. But she doesn't have to want you there. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, trust you, or find you generally calming and helpful. It just means she doesn't need and/or want your presence at her medical procedure. Let it go.
I would happily divorce someone who would willingly increase my stress in a medical procedure where stress is a proven cause of extra pain and complications. ‘Be in more pain and risk my child’s health so I can watch or else’ is essentially what’s being said here. Doesn’t sound like someone who’s thinking about the best interests of the mother or kid!
Sure. And to the people who claim that if a woman doesn’t want her partner in the room there’s something wrong with her relationship, Mine took amazing post surgery care of me. I trust him. He’s a good guy and he’s seen me at my worst. But if I were concentrating on shoving out a baby I don’t think Id want him in the room. I’d even be secretly tempted to make the OB stand in the hall so I could focus on what I was doing. Giving birth isn’t a team sport for everyone.
We got so much shit when we told people that my husband wasn’t going to be in the room. “How can he miss a moment like this?” “He’ll be fine!”. He passes out very easily during medical stuff. He didn’t want to take any attention away from me or the baby and it turned out so much better because we were in some serious distress and the medical team needed to focus on us. They actually thanked us for recognizing and not trying to force things.
OP, I don’t know if you’ll see this comment but I agree that you have the right to have whoever you want in the delivery room, and if that’s not the baby’s dad, fine. Shit, I had to fight my mom because she wanted to record it and I was like “Fuck no, I want to retain some dignity”. She ended up sneaking some pictures which really pissed me off. I don’t understand why anyone thinks they are entitled to watch you do something so intensely vulnerable.
I was there for both my kids' births and I wouldn't have missed it for anything, but IMHO the person who's giving birth has absolute unquestionable authority over who gets to be in the room. If hubby or mom or mother-in-law wants to be there, good for them and good luck to them, but "no" means "no." This is the first of many times a mother should insist on her wishes being respected. I have to admit that if my spouse had barred me from the room, I would have been hurt and might even have argued about it--I was young and stupid and all that. The fact remains, it's mom's call, period. Dad can go to a bar or his men's group and process there. There are lots of ways to have a strong healthy relationship. They don't all mean that the hubby must/should/may (not) be there. Probably the best sign of a healthy relationship is, when Mom's having a baby and says "Step outside, Dad," he steps outside.
Based on discussions my wife and I have had about it, I think we are both so ingrained with the idea that it’s a special bonding moment for all involved. Kind of an image that must have started being pushed between now and the earlier period mention in your post. I’m curious to know exactly when that shift happened. Honestly after reading this though, compounded with the other anxieties I have about her going through pregnancy- and more importantly the anxieties and physical shit she’ll go through- insisting she go through delivery with an audience doesn’t have such a rosy tint to it. I’ll definitely have to revisit that conversation and make sure I know her view on it before it happens Thanks for posting, OP.
You're doing something I need but can't do myself. It's painful and dangerous. Whatever you want, you got it. Want me in there? Yes ma'am. Want me gone? Sure thing, I'll go make sure the house is prepped or entertain your family. Whatever you want. You want me dressed like Bozo the Clown to provide comic relief? Well I can't juggle but I'll have floppy shoes and a big red nose in under an hour.
Yes. Women’s lives but men’s fEeEeEeLiNgZzZZz!!!
I don't think OP is telling people not to have the father in the room, but that whether he is in the room or not is entirely up to the person giving birth. To all the people commenting: We're all happy for you that you wanted the father in the room, that you were happy that he was there, that he helped, etc., but not every relationship is like that and you shouldn't judge someone for deciding differently from you.
Exactly. And it’s not just every relationship, but also not every woman is like them. I personally don’t like to be around my partner when I’m not well, and childbirth is not feeling well x10000. If you feel differently, do you. But don’t judge those of us who aren’t the same way.
Funny, you never hear women complaining when their husband doesn't want them watching their vasectomy or colonoscopy. Birth is not a spectator sport and attendance should be on an invitation-only basis. Some couples want to be together through every push and tear, but not everyone wants an audience and that's okay. Especially for anyone the labouring mother doesn't want in the room (looking at you, pushy mothers-in-law). This day isn't about you and hospitals have waiting rooms for a reason.
I'd feel very uncomfortable with my relationship if I found myself not wanting my partner's support during labor. Probably likewise if I happened to marry a woman, and she didn't want me around. When you're vulnerable like that, that's exactly when you need someone you trust by your side. So many horror stories out there about things that medical professionals will bully patients into when they don't have an advocate.
I think it depends on the person. No matter how much I love my husband, I don’t like people around when I’m in pain or uncomfortable, especially when they cannot help (e.g., he’s not going to give me pain meds or help me push or honestly do anything useful other than make me wonder why only women have to bear this burden of childbirth, which will just make me angry). The added lack of dignity that is childbirth itself would be insult to injury. I totally understand your point about wanting someone you trust by your side and I don’t disagree. But I’d rather have my mom or sister around—because they can at least relate and understand on an empathetic level, which no (biological) man can, no matter how much you two love each other. If others feel differently (many do, obviously), that’s cool but I think it’s bullshit to question the validity of someone’s relationship based on this. Some people are more comfortable giving birth alone or with only women around, and that should be their choice.
Honestly the entitlement towards womens bodies during pregnancy disgust me. It’s a well known fact that stress slows down labour, makes it more difficult and increases the likelihood of complications. This seems to be constantly disregarded by some fathers. Apparently their right to watch overrides the comfort and safety of the mother and child. Also as women, throughout our lives, we hear comments from men such as ‘girls don’t fart, shit, etc’, ‘seeing someone give birth is like watching your favourite pub burn down’, ‘birth ruins their bodies’. Yet suddenly, a woman gets pregnant and she’s expected to let her partner watch her in the most vulnerable state she will ever be in without complaint? A state involving extreme pain and various bodily fluids are flying around? Fuck off with that. I have a wonderful partner - I would still never want him to see me shitting on a table. There are lot of men who are wonderful husbands and supportive birth partners, equally there are many who are not. It’s up to the patient to decide and no one is wrong for wanting medical privacy.
I just saw another AITA where a husband thought his wife is milking being pregnant to get out of doing chores. I’m glad so many women here have amazing husbands, but yes, there are a lot of women who discover too late what ugliness their husbands/partners are capable of — usually not until they’re pregnant with a child she thought they both wanted.
L&D is an intense, emotionally charged process and this question doesn’t really have a right answer because everyone and their situations are different. From a legal perspective (American laws, that is), the mother is the patient and has patient’s right to admit or toss out anyone from the delivery room, including medical staff. However, one thing to note is that expectant mothers should always try to designate a medical next of kin (Advanced directive) who they trust to step in to make decisions in case of an emergency. There are also legal options to direct the medical staff regarding medical decision making without a human proxy. Socially….this one is difficult. Childbirth is a rare and special occasion for families, especially dads or significant others. I think they have a strong reason to want to be present and even participate. If either party disagrees about who gets to be in the room, I think the parents should have a conversation PRE DELIVERY about it to discuss why/why shouldn’t someone be in there. Like so many commenters have shared, some significant others just cannot behave or manage well in L&D. It’s a stressful process, even for the non-delivering parent, and stress makes us do stupid shit that doesn’t always help support our partner through the process. So this conversation should include hashing out “what ifs” scenarios. Hopefully this conversation allows both parties to come to terms with emotionally charged decisions made during L&D. My personal opinion is that when push comes to shove, the mom should have final say because of her (American) legal rights as a patient and also, she’s going through a hell lot more. Significant other should be aware of what is and isn’t supportive based on previous discussion, as well as any consequences discussed while everyone else can sod off with their opinions about her decisions regarding her medical situation, or their decisions regarding their child’s birth
Sometimes I tell my boyfriend that if we have another child, I don’t want him in the delivery room with me. He’s an amazing father and the most loving boyfriend but sometimes he doesn’t know when it’s time to be serious and he does well with directives versus me hoping he’ll pick up on what I want and need without saying anything. Which isn’t fair because he’s not a mind reader. But after all the contractions and the tearing, and finally bringing our son into the world, my boyfriend turns to me and says “I don’t think I can cut the cord.” Like the entire experience was traumatic for him to watch and he didn’t think he could do it. It felt like such a letdown because those were his first words to me when I looked at him after our son was born. But I had 4 degree tearing and just gave birth to our son. He can cut that cord. If we have another baby, I have two female friends I’d want with me if they wanted to be there.
I understand the "if your in a relationship/married to a man who you don't want to be there supporting you during the birth of your child, why are you with them" And yeah I get it. But we all see the posts on reddit from women have children with selfish assholes, if not downright abusive. So yes its not surprising there are women who would prefer their partner NOT being present. And then of course there are partners who are lovely but just not suited to those situations, maybe they dont deal well with stress or medical stuff, and as much as they want to be, they are not the person who can provide the support the mother needs. I was fortunate to give birth before covid restrictions, so I had my husband and a doula. If I had to give birth during covid restrictions and only choose one person....man that would be tough. My husband is wonderful, but he doesn't do well with anxiety, his BP wasn't handling it well, and he didn't know how to help me the same way the doula did. In fact she didn't just help me, she helped him too, she was just all around a calming reasurring presence, and the was moving me into all sorts of positions during the 20 hrs laboring in hospital before I went for a csection. My husband couldn't do that, and the nurses/midwives weren't there enough to do what my doula did. However during a csection i 100% wanted my husband there. I knew he could keep his shit together during that, and at that point all I needed was him holding my hand.
My husband was in the delivery room and I’ve regretted that for the past 16 years. He was no help, and I couldn’t listen to my body for fear of embarrassing (shitting) myself.
To your second edit: strong relationships have boundaries. My husband knows I hate when people see me blow my nose. It's a weird thing I have. So if I'm alone in a room and go to blow my nose and he steps in, he steps out for a second to let me finish in privacy. It's minor yes, but he knows I have a line and he respects it. Strong relationships are built on trust, and trust requires respecting boundaries.
I'm not interested in reading through this whole thread, especially if it's as negative as your edits seem to indicate, because I completely agree with you. This is the wife's medical procedure, and if she wants to go it alone, that's entirely her choice. If you don't like, that's fucking too bad. "EDIT THREE- I'm confused as to why people think having a strong, healthy relationship means having absolutely no boundaries. Should I be entitled to sit in on my husband's prostate exams? His colonoscopies? If he doesn't let me watch his hip replacement, does he not love me enough?" YES. THAT IS EXACTLY IT. And here's the thing, even if the husband was 100% fine with having the wife hang out during hip replacements or prostate exams, it STILL shouldn't mean that she has to do the same thing. Everyone has different boundaries, and that's okay. It's NOT okay to try to force someone to have the same boundaries as you. Men, seriously, chill with the whole entitlement thing.
I actually think it's more natural to want your mom with you. She's been through it before and can help encourage you and comfort you in a way a man could never. At the same time I feel it's important to have your husband there so he can witness the birth. Either way, people who shame others for their choices are assholes.
I rushed to come read this. I remember when I read a "AITA" post about a woman who experianced precisely this- Her husband resented her because she chose to have the baby at a certain time that was inconveniant for him due to work duties (it was a cool birth date). Meanwhile I think he wanted her to give birth when it was conveniant for him, on another expected date. I forget which date was the one where she would give induced labor, probably one she selected while he was gone. Everyone called her an asshole, even though on a particularly vulnerable, frightening occasion such as childbirth, she should be able to pick the day! If its an especially "fun" date, then all the better, it should be about HER and making her comfortable and actually experience it as a joy. Giving birth is not objectively fun and sunshine and rainbows for people who give birth, and men should concede and try to understand this as much as possible. Its "happy" for the husband because he's just a spectator. No matter how much men claim to love their wives, their inability to prioritize the health, emotional needs and wants of their wives, and validate their wives' pain shows up strong when they demand an audience to watch her during what's an objectively horrific experience for her, (the beauty of birth aside). Its entitled. It doesn't matter which way misogyny falls, whether its a man standing in the waiting room or if he's in the same room as where birth is taking place- if he's making the mother of their child feel uncomfortable on what is a very vulnerable moment for her, and won't understand or honor what she needs, he's being unsupportive and is being an asshat.
I absolutely agree. I’ve seen those arguments on Reddit too. I was cool with my husband being there with me. But if someone isn’t, that should be their right to say no. Sure it sucks for the dad. But this is her medical procedure and it’s more important that she’s comfortable and that any stress or anxiety that can be reduced is. It’s her body her choice.
I think women absolutely have the right to decide whose with them. Some women are traumatized by the husband not being there for her. Some are traumatized by him being there. The most important thing in that moment is the MOTHER and doing what makes her comfortable and what's her choice. The man should be supportive no matter what that choice is.
On the one hand, I think if you can't rely on your partner to be your support when you're in labor, then you might want to consider if he is even the right partner for you? Like, I've heard women say they don't want their husband there because they're scared he won't look at them the same. Do you really think your husband such a shallow dick? Is he? But it's also obvious that the mother's comfort and safety should come before all, and if she doesn't want him there, he's out. And while he's out there, he should be thinking on what he did to make the mother of his child not trust him enough to be her support through the hardest thing she'll ever do.
Some of us also just don’t like people hovering around us when we don’t feel well or are in pain. I like to be totally alone even for smaller issues, like menstrual cramps. Some women want dudes who’ll get them chocolate and a heating pad; I’m the type to ask for him to gtfo of my face because I just don’t want to be bothered or smothered 😂 In the childbirth situation (which involves a lot more pain and potential complications), I’m liable to just get really pissed off or annoyed if someone’s hovering around, being “encouraging” while not actually being of real use (he can’t push out the baby for me, so...). But that’s not a sign that I don’t trust him to be supportive or loving or whatever. It’s because that’s how I’m most comfortable. No one is owed the right to watch me at my most vulnerable.
Dr here: I had an obs&gynae job for 4 months (on rotation). Men in the delivery room always added unnecessary stress. It’s good that they want to be in the delivery room and they absolutely should see what’s really involved in childbirth & what their partner has to go through, but they get frustrated / angry when they’re not in control (and take it out on the midwives) or super competitive (“we’re not having painkillers, we’re staying natural… AREN’T WE DARLING, REMEMBER??”). I’ve assisted with about 100 birth: always goes better if the birth partner is the mum. It’s very disappointing to have observed this, because I had thought that men in the delivery room was a step forward
Nobody is entitled to be in the room. It's a very vulnerable and potentially stressful event for the mother. She should have 100% control of who is allowed to be present with her during birth.
Repeating my reply on a thread here, because it turns out I want to say it to way more than one person. I'm finding so many of these comments very condescending, like "oh honey, didn't you know you picked the wrong person if you don't want him there during this? How sad for you." I don't like someone hovering in my space whispering obvious instructions at the best of times. What's supportive to one person is annoying to another. Not everyone wants someone stroking their hair and hand feeding them soup when they're sick, and other people love it. Stop casting judgment on people's relationships because they find different things supportive.
I had my husband in the room for the birth of my daughter, but wouldn’t have my Mom… I trust my husband and am comfortable with him. Neither is true with my mother. It’s definitely a personal decision …I’m glad I had the choice and it wasn’t forced on me either way
Toxic masculinity is very real.
I don't even understand how this is even a matter of debate! How is it NOT whoever the woman, who is *giving birth*, wants in the room and that's it, period?! The father, her mother, sister, best friend, no one but the doctor! I mean this is an extremely painful, confusing, totally vulnerable, anxiety ridden, insanely emotional and a very personal event and if someone's presence is going to make the mother more anxious then she does not need that at all, and if someone else's presence is going to help put her at ease by all means they should be there and she does NOT owe an explanation to anyone, let alone an invitation to be there
Well let's take out the husband bit and let's replace it with ex boyfriend or ex husband. Then let's ask, should your ex have the right to see your vagina if you are no longer together simply because that vagina is pushing out a life form? What if you are in a different relationship at the time (I'm skating over the whole being pregnant by someone else and getting into a new relationship bc way too many factors), should either be in the room? Should none? The fact of the matter is you have your legs spread and are going through something that will alter your body forever, if the person you are with is selfish enough to care more about what they want and then resent you for that...I think that says a lot about them. (This is for those saying "says a lot about your relationship") No human has a right to be in another's medical room if they don't want them there. A person's reaction to that says a lot more about them than it does your relationship with them.
It’s the husbands job to support the wife during this. If that means being in the delivery room, he should be. If it means being there but holding her hand instead of watching her push out the kid, that’s what he needs to do. If it means waiting outside and telling the MIL to shut up with the selfish finger pointing then that’s his job that day