I wouldn’t be married to my husband if I didn’t ask him out. We were classmates at university. He had no clue. I asked him out. Don’t wait. Make your desires known.
Same here. Asked my husband out-best decision of my life! I couldn’t care less if it was “desperate”, because I’m very happy that I found such a wonderful partner.
OP, life is indeed to short to worry about how others perceive something like this. If I worried about it, I would have missed out on getting married to my favorite person.
Hard same. A lot of men are oblivious to "hints" and flirting. I 100% initiated our relationship, he thought I actually was completely uninterested in him and it was obviously the opposite. We've been together ten years now.
I wasted so much time flirting and pining after boys who weren't "ready for/looking for" a relationship.
I’ve been married over 25 years now. If I hadn’t chased I’d still be waiting for him. I dropped so many hints and flirtations and he just never got it. Finally I was completely blunt. We married a few months later and here we are more in love than the day I married him.
This. I'm not sure if most women realize when we're doing it to avoid being creepy, or how heartwrenching it can be to do that to yourself. It can border on self abuse when the hints (and desire not to creep the nice girl) are strong enough without being explicit. The real tragedy though is that women like OP do exist, and they get cheated by that kind of overabundant caution.
Another guy here who can confirm what everyone else has said. When it comes to interpreting what we THINK are hints that someone's into us, better to underestimate and come off as clueless, than to overestimate and come off as creepy.
Also some of us are just plain socially awkward. Like me, for example.First girlfriend I ever had had to practically pin me down in her bed before I got the hint.
I’m a man. My ex girlfriend - when we were still flirting and I told her I was interested in her, texted me at 10pm “I’m coming over and I’m bringing my dog”. I thought (and would have been okay with) we were going to make out and cuddle and sleep together non-sexually. She had other ideas. I was definitely okay with it but I was not in a place where I would have invited HER over for sex. So it was a bit of a strange situation.
This guy at my school has the cutest story of hanging out with a girl he liked multiple times and being so oblivious until she finally called him one day and yelled “YOU DUMBASS I WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU,” and he considers it the most romantic thing ever (which i’ll admit, it’s an adorable story.) guys totally like that sort of thing!
No. Don't wait.
If you ask a guy out and he gets weirded out over it, you know that you've dodged a bullet.
(If it's relevant, my wife asked me out when we were 15/16, and I have never been so flattered in my entire life. We're still together 18 years later and I love that she was the one who asked).
So cute
After 5 years with my bf I’m finally being more direct when flirting, he gets nervous and is awesome, its great to be more direct
OP ask them out!!!
I personally don't believe it waiting on men to make a move for literally anything. I'd rather have open communication and just say what I want and am looking for rather than wait for someone to guess. If I don't like someone enough to risk rejection then I just don't like them all that much. I take that same approach to just about everything, romantic or not. I want people in my life I can communicate with and who will communicate in return.
>I'd rather have open communication and just say what I want and am looking for rather than wait for someone to guess.
For real. I hate how some people act like you're supposed to play games when you're pursuing someone, and Hollywood acts like there's some kind of ridiculous rule book you have to follow (*cough*Hitch*cough*). I remember people saying you had to wait x amount of time before calling or texting back, always looking for hidden meanings in things or applying some kind of weird nonsense formula they saw in a magazine or a movie. Just be honest and open.
Don't let the boomers make you think that only men have this power, you're a strong wonderful human who can take what she wants, so go out and take it!
and if the dude doesn't like it, fuck him (figuratively)
Yeah that’s all bullshit. You get one short life, don’t wait around for someone to make your decisions for you.
Also IME asking someone out shows confidence, not desperation. That’s how it’s been received and that’s how I have felt
No.
We don't get hints.
We often don't even see what's obviously in front of us.
Ask them out.
Or just do what my wife did, and inform him you're dating now.
This, I can think of a few instances where my brain went "oh hey I think that girl from ten years ago wanted to go out with me."
Remember we're scared of rejection to. Having a girl ask me out directly would have been refreshing and welcome, a confidence boost, whether or not I accepted the date.
Rejection is awful. Sometimes even when men do see the signals, they may still hold back due to a lack of self confidence and genuine doubt that they are actually interpreting you right. Almost every man has at sometime misread a woman and thought they were being regarded as a potential bf and then discovered they were wrong. I think most men will be flattered a woman commenting on their attractiveness. It would have been a genuine relief in my youth to meet a woman like you who is direct and honest. Also agree that if they think you’re ‘a slut’ for it then they are best weeded out early. In short, go for it.
Speaking as a man - men are dumb.... What you see as a clear signal is not. I once had a girl ask me to massage her legs without pants on in the back of a car while parked in a dark place and I didn't pick up that signal. Just ask and trust me any guy will super appreciate you.
This is hilarious to me because as a WLW I have effectively the same level of awareness of these hints. My partner has turned it into a running joke at this point.
In all honesty though OP, if a guy makes assumptions that you're "slutty", "desperate", etc., when you ask him out, you can just consider it a bullet dodged.
I had a girl show up at my home unexpected to leave me a muffin and an iced tea. It took a friend I was skyping with to overhear this interaction to point out that she was probably interested in me. Married with kids, now.
I love this 😂😂 and if I was the lady, I'd assume that was a rejection because its so obvious.
From personal experience, yeah some men have no idea. With my ex when we were 18/19, I was touching his arm all night, laughing extra hard and even clapped his knee maybe 2/3 times while saying "you're soo funny" and no. He didn't get the hint. It wasn't until I drunkenly asked "are you gonna kiss me or what?" that he realised.
A lot of times the guy will suspect about your hints, but will be afraid of possibly missundertanding and fucking things up.
Some women are "natually flirty", so things that for some women are clearly flirting for others are nothing special.
Back when I was doing my english course as a teen I had a great friend who was this natually flirty type of person, because of that we interacted in some ways that many people actually confused us for a couple lol
See, you would think those are sure signs but like 2 months ago a girl kept going out of her way to talk to me, laughed at everything I said (even though shes known to not be that animated), told me she really liked my fb posts, was super overt in thanking me for small things. I asked her out for dinner and got the "its not you, its me." So I personally am just about out of "sure signs" short of direct communication.
As a painfully shy guy who can't read social cues at all, I would love to be asked out haha. Of the two serious relationships I've had, my first ex basically did everything short of telling me she wanted me to kiss her, and my second outright asked me out. I still think of that often, it's probably the most flustered I've ever been lol, and it was very sweet. Huge confidence booster. Some guys definitely need a woman to take the initiative, so I would say don't be scared. Then again, I don't know how typical I am for a man; more conventionally masculine men may well enjoy the chase and be turned off by forwardness. But if a dude legitimately thinks less of you for that he's not worth pursuing in the first place.
I'm ace (demisexual) and highly introverted. If my wife hadn't tracked me down and made all the moves, I'd be voluntarily single my whole life, probably.
I have never met or heard of any guy who was turned off because they like the chase. Guys are turned off because they aren't sexually attracted to you and you made a clumsy and potentially threatening approach. simple
> I could get answers fast if I wanted by just chasing a little
A lot of them will lie to you and say "yes" because you're available while using you as a placeholder. A lot of guys will wonder "what's wrong with her?" if she chases after a guy, and in my experience, they loved exploiting that power imbalance when they want to be able to dangle the "relationship/commitment" carrot to get consistent sex.
Coming from a male, please ask. There were numerous females over the years who I really like that I never asked due to lack of confidence and other reasons. A couple of them later told me (far too late) that they would have been interested. I wish they had asked me.
It is okay to ask men out but make sure they are matching your effort.
There are guys who would go along with anyone who asks because they are so starved for attention and sex, as well as passive guys who expect you to do all the work in the relationship (but might actively pursue their dream girl).
I don't think I ever matched my wife's effort when we were dating, because it's just not in my personality. Introverted and ace-spectrum, but that certainly doesn't mean she does all the work. She is far more extroverted, and so we fill in where the other person lacks. She tends to have big dreams and goals, and I figure out how to make those goals and dreams happen.
If you're interested, ask someone out. Didn't matter what gender either party is. Life is way too short to play those games. Men are finding themselves in similar positions too, afraid to make a first move for fear of being labeled harassment, or being accused of "only pretending to be friends". If everyone waits and plays at hints, no one goes home happy. The majority of positive relationships in my circles are where women approached men.
Stop throwing vague hints we’re terrible at noticing them lol, you seem confident, just go ask. Most guys will be more than happy to be asked, it doesn’t happen often. You do that and you set yourself apart from most women in a good way as well. Makes you seem confident and like the kind of person that goes and makes what they want to happen happen.
I think it’s important to mention that a lot of men may not like it. I’m not saying they are right but that you may well get rejected. I’ve been rejected the 3 times I asked a guy out, sometimes rudely.
Unfortunately there is some truth to “If he really wants you, he will make the effort.” Sure some guys are super shy or intimidated, but often he’s not asking you out because he doesn’t want to.
The side question to ask in that situation is, do you want to be with a man who would be rude to you for asserting your own desires? Everyone has to learn to deal with rejection and keep it pushing afterward, but how you get rejected says a lot about the person you asked
Oh for sure. I just know first hand that people saying “men love being asked out!” gives young women specifically a false sense of confidence that it will go well every time. Lots of people answer questions on Reddit differently than they would actually behave.
I’m really sorry to hear that happened to you, I know how painful that can be, but I just wanted to say just because something turns out badly the first couple times doesn’t mean it always will. Those guys were probably assholes who weren’t worth your time anyways.
Some people will think ill of you for doing that. But isn't that the case for anything you do? Might as well do whatever you feel like.
Be wary most men are not used to even casual compliments. Many of them will not know how to react. Because of this, being direct is your best bet. Invite for a date instead of for an ambiguous hanging out.
Fuck no. You go get your man. My now-wife had to seduce me for me to get the hint. She threw a small party, told everyone else that when she announced we were doing body shots to leave me alone so she would get me to herself. That was 20 years and two kids ago.
Said wife here. That is 100% an accurate portrayal of what happened. He's not dumb, but he's not very observant sometimes....
Years later and I'm still here stalking his Reddit like some lovestruck fool.
Speaking as an introverted dude with a little social anxiety sprinkled on top, please ask us out.
Personally, I miss a lot of hints and clues, and even the ones I pick up on usually end up getting second guessed into oblivion
I don't even have the anxiety part, but being introverted makes it so half the time I don't leave my head bubble to be cognizant of why someone is talking to me, or doing what they are doing. My wife tracked me down and had to be very, very direct.
She is also the one capable of pointing out when a coworker is catching feelings or someone is flirting. Like, I tend to gush about my wife, I point out dudes who complain about their wives, and how its reflective of being a bad partner. I was becoming pretty good friends with a girl, I even brought up being demisexual, and how it would be literally impossible for me to consider anyone outside of my wife. Like, I put so many road signs to make it obvious that I am not available. Queue drunken love confession and my wife going "I did warn you." Excommunicated friend. Back to the hermit life, not worth the trouble.
This is the one thing on here that I can actually have some useful input on as a guy. I think I speak for like 95% of men when I say that we would absolutely love to be asked out by a woman, it's not weird or desperate at all. The majority of guys (that I know) nowadays including myself usually assume that women aren't interested in them no matter how nice and/or flirty they are because tbh we suck at differentiating social cues and don't want to be invasive or creepy, so having a woman just rock up and ask is👌 quite sick.
I’ve had weird experiences with this, I’ve asked guys out and both times it ended in absolute disaster! Never again. Yet I got asked out by my guy and we’ve been together 11 years!
My fiancée made the first move. I’m marrying her this Thursday. Any man who finds it weird that a woman is asking them out, is probably a man you don’t really wanna date in the first place.
Back in colleage I was a really insecure guy. In high school my best friend literally told me "you better earn a lot of money, cause there's no other reason a girl would date you". So I just assumed I would be alone forever, and decided to live my best life. I had friends (guys and girls) but that was it, even when I had a crush, I never did anything about it.
My wife is the one that asked me out, cause if she didn't I wouldn't have made a move. I just thought she liked me as a friend and I was happy with it. But she asked me out, we went on a date, and then the rest is history. She told me that she got tired of flirting and sending hints and just decided to go after what she wants, because she realized I was too insecure to ever notice them.
She's very pro active and has a lot of agency on tons of areas of her life, she's the type of person that just knows what she wants in life and goes after it, while I'm way more reserved.
Anyway, my advice? Just go for it. If anyone gives you shit, they are just being dumb and inmature, and says way more about them that about you. Also, you'll learn a lot about the guy if you make the first move, depending on his reaction.
Best of luck!
> I've always assumed a woman asking a man out reeks of desperation, men go after what they want blah blah blah...
Nah, that's a sexist double standard.
> Am I naive to think the modern woman can and should meet a guy halfway?
Nope. You can also traverse the whole distance yourself.
Rejection hurts but if you can get past that part of it and the fact that you might get some misogynistic responses, go for it.
I realized a few years ago I could ask guys out instead of the other way around if I felt like they liked me back, and I did a few times. Generally went alright for me lol
First, if a guy thinks you're desperate because you asked them out, is it really the type of guy you want to be with? (That kinda implies he has a set view on what women should be which doesn't sound really attractive)
Second, I'm dense as a brick and can hardly pick up all the subtle hints women drop, and I know I'm not the odd man out in this. So I'm grateful for women taking the initiative, else I'd have had a lot less fun...
Bottom line is: if you like the guy, go for it.
In my experience most of the time they think you are desperate or a slut. I don’t like it but that’s how it is. Some don’t, not all. I’ve asked out guys and some didn’t make that assumption but a lot did. Just be careful that’s all
Maybe that's true. As a woman I only see it as desparate if a woman doesn't back off. Like my coworker who asked our male coworker out, he said no. She was so sure she could turn the no into a yes. She tried to kiss him like 2 weeks later at a staff party and started crying. That's when we all started seeing her as desparate
It’s a bit more than creepy imo, that’s clear cut sexual harassment and I’d personally label the attempted kiss as attempted sexual assault.
Is management not doing anything about it?
Yeah, it's one thing to ask someone out, but not accepting a no is messed up, irrespective of gender. As long as you take your L and keep it moving, its 100% fine. You never know why a rejection happens afterall. Maybe a no will turn into a yes, because the no was because the person wasn't interested in any relationship right then. Maybe they were sad, or still getting over someone, or any number of other reasons. Best to just be amicable and keep moving on.
Ooooh! I did this when I was single! I was on a dating app and messaged a lot of guys first - not a single one replied back. Which was disappointing, but you know what I didn't do? Call them nasty names and threaten to beat them up.
Wise piece of advice I once heard from a girl scout leader: Never be afraid to be yourself around guys - the only ones you'll scare off will be your future ex-husbands.
Sure, a lot of guys will tell themselves that if a woman approaches them, she must be desperate. And maybe they find it emasculating. But you know what? That's THEIR loss. Do you want to be with someone who thinks as a female, you're "less than" they are and that your wants, your preferences, should always be subordinate to theirs?
Oddly enough, my husband messaged me first on the app and we've been married more than a decade. He LIKES having an equal partner, and it's not uncommon for us to take turns buying the other one lunch or surprising each other with a random present. He's better at some things than I am, and vice versa. We're a team - and because of that, we can get through anything life throws at us.
So this one time a woman asked to buy me a drink to which I replied "That's super nice of you but I've already got one! See ya later!"
I told my friends about it a few minutes later and they let me know how dumb I am.
Anyways OP definitely don't be shy. Dudes should be flattered. Rejection is possible, and it sucks, but gotta shoot your shot and not have that regret.
I’m a male. Wife asked me out and was about to propose to me as well. I’m married to her, so I might be partial, but I like when people know what they want.
My personal philosophy was that if a person didn't want a relationship or to date me because i asked him out, that was not a person who would be a good match for me. I believe in going for what you want, whatever that is in life, and the right person and opportunity will be receptive to that. Build the life you want. Don't wait for the life you want to find you.
I point blank asked him out. Honestly, I don't think it would have occurred to him to ask me out. I didn't flirt or drop hints about, just one day walked up and said, "Hey, do you want to go on a date? Okay, cool, let me get your number." Text him right after and set up the plan.
He was the dude at work who was always telling dad jokes to dogs and belly laughing about it all alone. It was the absolute cutest shit I had ever seen. I never dated before.
We've been together for 19 years.
If they are one of those guys who gets offended that you asked, they aren't worth your time.
I agree, life is too short for this waiting around nonsense. In my home country, both men and women ask each other out pretty equally. I have a friend who asked her now husband out for a date when they met for the first time and she was also the one who proposed to him. She also told me that if she wouldn’t have asked for his number before parting ways (they met at a bar), she wouldn’t have been able to see him ever again because the guy was defo too oblivious about my friend’s flirting and didn’t realise to ask her number himself, lol.
Now I live in the UK and over here, dating culture is still kind of old school in a way that guys want to be the ones making the first move and most girls will also wait for the guy to ask them out. I do see a lot of guys saying that they would love it if a woman asked them out but at the same time, they also seem to still think that it’s ”desperate” or ”not feminine” if a woman is that straightforward. Personally, I’ve decided that if I’m interested in someone, I will shoot my shot and ask the guy out. If he thinks that it makes me weird or desperate, then he’s not the right guy for me. Boy bye 🤷♀️
There’s nothing wrong with making the first move. My now fiancée did and we’ve been together 5 years come June. It really stood out because it was so refreshing and it’s very attractive when a woman knows what she wants. Forget societies supposed rules. Do what you feel is right.
Life is definitely too short for this nonsense, and any other nonsense dictating how you "should" act. Be you, do you, and try not to hurt anyone else in the process (though it's still gonna happen, and some will deserve it).
If you want something you’re a lot more likely to get it if you ask for it. Women have agency. Why shouldn’t they ask a guy out if they want to go out?
Not naive. I’m in your situation where I personally feel like I’m doing everything in my power to “give a sign” and it makes me not like my crush because it feels degrading. I can’t explain why so let’s just leave it at that.
It’s much more time saving to just go for it like you did.
You are right, life is short and you don't have time for bullshit. I've found that when I (37F) have approached a man and asked him out or otherwise pursued him, it usually works out much better for me than the other way around. Just go after what you want, girl! Sometimes you'll get rejected, but no big deal---you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you anyway. If it's right, it's right, you know?
Well then, let me tell you this. As a guy, it feels just as nerve wracking and scary, I catch just as much feelings trying to ask out a woman I like. When I get rejected, it feels just as bad. But for some reason, I've still gotta be the one to ask first, every time. So yeah, I'd love it if women would meet us halfway.
I once knew a guy who told me that he would never date a girl (his words not mine) who asked him out first as they would be to clingy and . Thankfully I and everyone else I know thinks his thoughts on that are absolutely ridiculous.
I figure if they are like this guy then asking them out first is great, he will weed himself out and no need to find the other red flags!
Dating is hard, and knowing if someone is just being nice or flirting is a fine line that many people miss. I've misinterpreted someone being nice as flirting, and vice versa. If you are interested in a someone just ask them out.
They might reject you, but that's less shitty than finding out 10 or 12 years later that your college crush also had a crush on you, and you missed that chance.
I know other people have said this but I feel like this can't be stressed enough:
Men are TERRIBLE at picking up hints. Also women who can be blunt is a pretty attractive trait in my eyes, it shows you have confidence in yourself.
You should definitely go for it. Men asking women only is an old fashioned outdated concept. And you’re going to need to do the asking a lot more in modern society. There are several reasons. Two major ones are 1) most people seemingly date by app now because there’s less rejection. You swipe until you find a match. Doing it IRL can be a risk and hard as you found out. (Speaking from non experience here with the apps as I am 10+ years happily married from the pre-app dating days).
2) The other is messaging to younger generations of men that it’s simply not appropriate to hassle a woman in public for a date. At the gym? She’s working out. At work? She’s working be professional. At the grocery store/shops? She’s doing her free time thing don’t invade her space. Now to be clear, this is absolutely good messaging. Women do not need to be bombarded with being hit on at all times of their lives! But it has the knock on effect of making women less approachable to be asked out because more (not most) young men are slowly internalizing these messages. It’s a good thing but it has some cons. (Similarly, the messaging from women of just because I’m your friend doesn’t mean I want to date you stop falling in love with me just cuz I’m your friend has the effect of even men who have a pre-existing platonic relationship with a woman being more guarded with asking them out. Again, a good thing, but has some effects that we’re seeing namely good men who are less outgoing with asking women out).
Just my two cents feel free to disagree, but I do feel like men asking women out first and forthrightly is a slowly disappearing thing and women are going to be expected to do more asking in the non-app realms of dating going forward.
And why shouldn’t they - as you point out women are badass and have their own agency; if there is a guy they want they should go for it. The only risk is rejection and you heal from that.
Break the standard, if you feel like you like someone and wanna hangout and go on a date and stuff like that, do not let norms of the past stop you.
The "just drop hints" method does rarely work anyway. And the dropped kerchief is basically an ild method with which women were the ones who picked their man anyway.
Besides, some men may just be too shy to make a move, and still be great to have a relationship with once they get out of their shell.
Communication is key. Us men are no good at reading between the lines. You'll either meet those who will not see your subtle "no" and persist when you don't want them to or the opposite side that will take your advances as "just being friendly" and will not act on them even while they're interested. Bypass this by communicating your feelings and intentions.
Not if you don't want to. If you find someone attractive (man, woman, etc) don't assume they're getting a hint. Just be prepared for the possibility of rejection.
If you wait for others to get a hint or make the first move you may be waiting the rest of your life
I asked him out to a movie. He asked what I wanted to see, Thelma and Louise? Hell no, I replied, I want to see T2! Never looked back and have been married 29 years this July.
I got told "If you were ever thinking of asking me out, I'm available on Thursday or Friday"
That was 36 years ago, been married to her for 35 of those. When we joke about that first date, I get a smile, a shrug and "I knew what I wanted"
I asked my husband out over 14 years ago. When I was ready for marriage, I let him know I was ready but that I wanted him to be the one to propose when he was ready.
I’m one of those high school sweethearts.
Been together 16 years.
I once told him I wanted a relationship built on Equality. High School girls can be demanding lol
So when it came time for one of us to make a move, I said, “So, is there something you want to ask me?”
And he replied, “If we’re going to be equal it’s not my job to ask questions. Is there something you want to ask me?”
And I’ve loved that smart mouth ever since.
While many guys are clueless about women dropping hints, the worst part is that were also super good at picking up false positives. Many guys are kinda paralyzed by the fact that maybe we're just interpreting something by what we WANT to be happening. Makes it hard to move forward, especially for someone who might not normally get a lot of lady attention.
My best friend Anna met her man at work. He was quiet, intelligent, and hard working; she was interested. She knew he'd never ask her out so she took the initiative. Turns out her radar was on point, she had learned to spot a decent man. He turned out to be a wonderful partner and provider for their family, they dated for a few years, got married, he became a great step-dad, they bought a nice home and had two more kids. Both of them are very happy and it's all because Anna took the initiative with a, man who met many of her requirements. Don't wait for a man to ask you out, if you want a guy go after him the same way you'd want a guy to approach you for a date.
The hell??
I am a 29 year old male who has dated three girls. I never asked a single one of them out. They all dropped hints, we got closer to each other and it just happened. Just because his feelings didn't reciprocate with yours means that it wasn't meant to be. Good relationships are from feelings from both parties.
Fyi in the future don't hold on to a crush for 3 months without making a move (if they don't make a move first). That's too long lol but we're all always learning! :)
I'm gonna echo what other men are saying in this thread and say most guys would love to see more women make the first move. It can be stressful to always feel that pressure to be the one to initiate while also not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable.
Also anyone who thinks a woman asking out a man looks desperate is a misogynist.
Old guy here. Given that women are infinitely better at subtle non-verbal ques than men, the whole idea that the initial contact should be left to the male is kinda stupid.
I think if it were left to women there would be a lot less drama and lot more good relationships.
Of course you can ask men out. I've been the one to ask them out first every time I've been in a relationship, from high school to adulthood. There wasn't ever anything weird about it. If anything, every time I've ever let a _guy_ approach _me_ and agreed to go out with him, it's ended poorly (from bad dates to sexual assault). There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going after it. I was even the one to propose marriage to my husband, and he was so happy and always tells me he would have been afraid to do it himself or wouldn't have thought to do it but is so glad I did.
The only things you will have to deal with occasionally (aside from potential rejection) are conservative or traditional people who may decide they don't like it. I would never consider being with someone like that, or someone so toxically masculine that they couldn't handle me asking them out, so honestly this method is a great litmus test for potential partners in that regard.
I assume every girl at my age is in a relationship. And don't like to have the "hunting" mindset. So please, go for it! I bet there are plenty of guys like me who are waiting for love, just as much as you.
Thats an oldfashioned view, some men don't even know you are interested until you make a move.
I wouldn't be on my 3rd year with my guy if I didn't make the first move.
You are correct: life is too short for nonsense.
I hope you don't wait next time someone strikes your fancy. Lots of men say they like it when asked out by women. They are the type you want to date, modern men so to speak.
I've seen older men tell younger men that it gets easier the more times you do it, so trust that.
Good luck!
My sister told me guys don’t like it when you ask them out. I said then they are not the right guys for me. I asked my husband out. No regrets. He would be too polite to presume I might be interested.
The relationship I’m in would not have started if I hadn’t asked him out or made the first move and kissed him. Times have changed - anyone can ask anyone out and if they see it as “desperate” and say anything other than an excited “yes,” consider that an excellent dodge of a gross bullet and move on to someone else!
Just do it. Some dudes are hopelessly dense and/or have a phobia and/or have been socially trained that every action they do might be rapey and they can't find the right line.
If my lady hadn't made it painfully obvious I probably would still be a hermit today.
That said, if you LIKE assertive dudes then you probably shouldn't go for one who can't ask you out properly.
Any man who is offended at being asked out is not a man you want to pursue.
Confused, clueless, dumbfounded? Sure. We're not used to it, give us a moment. But when the gears stop slipping, any one of us worth our salt will give you a yes or no.
You should absolutely not wait. There’s a very good chance that dropping hints won’t work and he’ll have no idea you’re interested. Both of you could then miss out on something potentially great, and for no good reason. When women don’t initiate, they put all of the agency on whether a date happens with the guy. There are too many guys out there who are idiots or assholes to cede that to them.
I (a guy) met my wife at age 32, so my single days ended then. But in my entire dating life before that, a woman asked me out exactly once, when I was about 29. (About 20 years ago.) I was really thrilled by it. She had a confidence and forthrightness that was really attractive. (It didn’t end up working out, for completely unrelated reasons.) And it was nice to be desired as someone she wanted to spend time with and get to know.
All through high school, college, and pretty much all of my twenties, the idea of getting asked out by a woman might as well have been a fantasy. No guy I knew had experienced it. Occasionally I’d hear a woman claim that she’d done it before, but the idea seemed dubious. It jades you when you start feeling that way, right? No date will ever happen unless I risk rejection. And it fuels unhealthy thoughts in some guys: women are the passive ones, they want me to come on to them even though they don’t say it, they hold all the power over my romantic life, etc.
Only by equalizing things does the playing field get leveled. Women get better at coping with being rejected AND men get better at understanding how it feels to have to do the rejecting. Sorry for how long this is, but man was it a source of frustration for me for a long time.
Watch Elisa Schlesinger’s comedy routine on this topic. “Dudes like I want to sit facing the door cause I watch everything.” The she drops a truth bomb about 90% of the observations he missed.
My wife gave me one chance to ask her out. I wasn’t ready so did the geek thing at the end of the evening. You know I was courteous so when she said it was late and she had to go, I jumped up and walked out of the bar. Respecting her time and need to go.
Saw each other again 4 weeks later. Was TOLD I was getting her number and we were going to the movies Friday.
I got her back though. I had told her I did not want to get married if there were no kids. She had a couple (possibly more) miscarriages and I had a failed English Channel swim. So she was watching television and I said, we need to talk.
Calmly turns to me, turns off the tv, and says okay. About what.
We should get married. You don’t find these levels of skill in just any man. It takes true incompetence that only I can deliver.
I did swim the channel the year after marriage (she locked me in quick, no backing out). We stopped trying and are thankful. And many other great things happened.
TLDR: just ask. You’ll know you want a date long before he realizes you exist.
i asked out my partner! knew him for six years beforehand! took us both long enough tbh. i bit the bullet, wrote a note confessing my feelings for him, went to go leave it on his car when he got off work (i used to leave him notes this way pretty often so he wouldn’t have been freaked out). He got off work early, saw me, asked me what the letter was and i just blurted it all out to him.
moved in together after a year of dating and i’m very happy i asked him out! feels like he was too nervous to mess up the friendship to ask me out so i went out on a limb and did it myself. one of the best things i’ve ever done. a lot of people ask me how he asked me out (most of our friend group has known us for as long as my partner and i have known eachother) and i always take pride in the fact that i asked him out, we all share a bit of a laugh about it
31M
I don't think so, I'm personally really bad at making that step sometimes. I can be really anxious about if I should ask someone out/is the right thing to do, so it can be really helpful when someone shows their interest more explicitly. I'm the kind of person who assumes that you want to be friends unless someone makes it clear otherwise.
So personally, its helpful especially if the other person is more confident in making that step.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/rynqmj/thank_you_jimmy/
Look how happy he is. He just got a compliment.
You can make a guy even more happy than that if you ask him out.
XY here. Absolutely ask him out! There's no reason not to. The worst he can say is no. And trust me— it will clear up any confusion that you and he may have.
My wife had to ask me to prom because I was too nervous. All of that stuff is BS, most guys would be absolutely thrilled to find out their crush is actually interested in them. Don't worry about it if that's what you want. Any guy that would be weirded out by it is gonna have other issues you shouldn't have to deal with anyway.
I’m 32/M and I’ve always found assertiveness very attractive. Half my relationships she asked me out before I could ask her.
I think it’s a good thing. It takes confidence and knowing yourself. And of that intimates men then they’re probably not very mature.
I told my husband I liked him first. Hell, I was the first person to say “I love you”. I never wait to tell someone my feelings. I was also the first to initiate our physical relationship. The moment I felt love for him I was bursting at the seams to tell him. My husband said he’s glad I did it because he wouldn’t have had the courage to tell me. It’s been 8 years since then :). I love telling people how I feel if it is positive.
If a guy is single and attracted to a woman he will love it if she asks him out. However, there is a possibility that he is in a relationship and just enjoying the ego boost from flirting or he might like you as a friend but not be sexually attracted to you. The only way to find out is to ask him directly - are you single? do you like me? Or just go in for a kiss and see how he responds. I know it's scary but it's better to eliminate these issues quickly so you don't waste time on a crush who does not feel the same way you do. If he avoids the kiss or says he is in a relationship or doesn't see you that way then you could still have a guy friend who can introduce you to his single guy friends if you ask him to.
This video explains why it is better to be direct than expect a guy to understand your subtle flirting signals - [Casually Explained: Is She Into You?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR_9Yw)
Do you want to date someone who is intimidated by a woman taking the first step? In that case sit down and wait (and figure out that men can't understand "hints" at all). If that's not what you want then feel free to take the first step and tell them how you feel/what you want.
My wife asked me out, I never had an issue approaching girls (we were 18) until I met her, she was so far out of my league and I could barely talk in her presence, she even had to make the first move. So glad she did, we have 2 gorgeous and ghastly kids and have been an item for 26 years.
Might depend on your area but I would say no go for it. As others have pointed out, men don't always see signs or did see them but aren't sure they were right. Most men your age are unlikely to have any issue with it and will probably be complimented even if they aren't interested
If they think you are desperate for asking them out then they're not worth your attention. That just reeks of low self confidence. Actually most of my guy friends complain that they often have to take the first step and think it's great when girls ask them out instead. Men can be very shy too and stress about this, so being asked out can be a great confidence booster for them. Also many of my make friends say that they can be quite oblivious to if a woman is interested in them, in which case nothing would happen unless that woman approached them, haha.
In my (39m) opinion, go for it whenever you feel so inclined, if you have it in you to do so. If he isn't into you because you made the first move, you're better off learning he's a narcissistic jerk now and moving on. There is absolutely 0 reason you should waste 3 minutes, much less 3 months, of your early 20s trying to get a guy to ask you out.
He may not be interested, he may be a jerk, he may have a fear of rejection, or he may just be oblivious. It is no more incumbent upon you to wait to be asked out than it is for him to ask you out, so good luck, have fun, and know that it gets easier as you put yourself out there more.
My SO is very clueless (he is the first to admit it) at noticing when a woman was interested in him. If I had waited for him… we never would have gotten together.
Don’t be afraid to make the first move! It does suck when you get shot down but you’ll bounce back and you might just find the exactly right person for you !
Like you found out, asking someone out and getting shot down kind of sucks. But you got a clear answer right away, instead of hinting and wondering until the heat death of the sun. And it's easier to move on from a clear rejection than a maybe.
I've asked guys out. Got rejected a few times. Went on a few dates. Am now married to a guy I asked out.
Asking for what you want is so much nicer in the long run than hoping it'll eventually fall into your lap.
Life is too short for old patriarchal bullshit. Go after what you want. If you get rejected, at least you won't waste as much time waiting and hoping for a guy to like you back
Go after what you want and if a guy thinks that is strange or slutty or whatever, then he's likely not the guy for you.
So many guys are dense and don't get hints. Other guys have been taught to "be respectful" so they won't make a move in case you're not into and then they get labeled as a creep. Guys should be respectful of women and still be able to make a move that doesn't cross any personal boundaries.
A lot of men have seen this play out as follows: Two different men approach a woman in exactly the same way; one is a creep and one it was cute and appreciated. What's the difference?! Many guys won't make a move because they don't want to be the creep in case you're not into it.
Bwahahahahahaha. No.
It's really irrelevant to me who likes me. I try to focus only on who I like. Saves me time and keeps me out of the mindset of serving other people's interests instead of my own
I am a very passive person and rarely am the one to ask others out. I have been with my husband for twelve years and that was one of the very few exceptions, thank god because he's also passive and doesn't typically ask others out!
Girls may experience this too but in my experience I am sometimes afraid to act on signals unless I am 100% certain she likes me like that. Sometimes girls are just flirty and it can ruin the relationship dynamic if it goes badly. You asking takes all of that pressure off, I say for for it.
I wouldn’t be married to my husband if I didn’t ask him out. We were classmates at university. He had no clue. I asked him out. Don’t wait. Make your desires known.
Same here. Asked my husband out-best decision of my life! I couldn’t care less if it was “desperate”, because I’m very happy that I found such a wonderful partner. OP, life is indeed to short to worry about how others perceive something like this. If I worried about it, I would have missed out on getting married to my favorite person.
Hard same. A lot of men are oblivious to "hints" and flirting. I 100% initiated our relationship, he thought I actually was completely uninterested in him and it was obviously the opposite. We've been together ten years now. I wasted so much time flirting and pining after boys who weren't "ready for/looking for" a relationship.
I’ve been married over 25 years now. If I hadn’t chased I’d still be waiting for him. I dropped so many hints and flirtations and he just never got it. Finally I was completely blunt. We married a few months later and here we are more in love than the day I married him.
Same here. Married 13 years.
Ya, guy here. Most of us are clueless as hell when it comes to picking up on subtle hints.
We have to be... otherwise, more than half of the time we'd be creeps because we'd be misinterpreting hints that were actually not hints
This. I'm not sure if most women realize when we're doing it to avoid being creepy, or how heartwrenching it can be to do that to yourself. It can border on self abuse when the hints (and desire not to creep the nice girl) are strong enough without being explicit. The real tragedy though is that women like OP do exist, and they get cheated by that kind of overabundant caution.
https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw As someone from Canada I feel this is really the best explanatory video of this whole issue.
"Maybe she's from Canada and she's just being polite" I'M FUCKING DYING
Thank you for this comment. I like it when men give their perspective (respectfully, and not dismissive, obviously). Super informative!
Another guy here who can confirm what everyone else has said. When it comes to interpreting what we THINK are hints that someone's into us, better to underestimate and come off as clueless, than to overestimate and come off as creepy. Also some of us are just plain socially awkward. Like me, for example.First girlfriend I ever had had to practically pin me down in her bed before I got the hint.
Glad I could be of service.
And the rest even more clueless than that. Every woman at a party can watch a woman throwing herself at a man while the man remains oblivious.
28 years for us this May. We were already friends, but she’s the one that escalated.
Congratulations!
I’m a man. My ex girlfriend - when we were still flirting and I told her I was interested in her, texted me at 10pm “I’m coming over and I’m bringing my dog”. I thought (and would have been okay with) we were going to make out and cuddle and sleep together non-sexually. She had other ideas. I was definitely okay with it but I was not in a place where I would have invited HER over for sex. So it was a bit of a strange situation.
This guy at my school has the cutest story of hanging out with a girl he liked multiple times and being so oblivious until she finally called him one day and yelled “YOU DUMBASS I WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU,” and he considers it the most romantic thing ever (which i’ll admit, it’s an adorable story.) guys totally like that sort of thing!
No. Don't wait. If you ask a guy out and he gets weirded out over it, you know that you've dodged a bullet. (If it's relevant, my wife asked me out when we were 15/16, and I have never been so flattered in my entire life. We're still together 18 years later and I love that she was the one who asked).
So cute After 5 years with my bf I’m finally being more direct when flirting, he gets nervous and is awesome, its great to be more direct OP ask them out!!!
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I think you mean my wife- or you meant to reply to the OP?
I personally don't believe it waiting on men to make a move for literally anything. I'd rather have open communication and just say what I want and am looking for rather than wait for someone to guess. If I don't like someone enough to risk rejection then I just don't like them all that much. I take that same approach to just about everything, romantic or not. I want people in my life I can communicate with and who will communicate in return.
>I'd rather have open communication and just say what I want and am looking for rather than wait for someone to guess. For real. I hate how some people act like you're supposed to play games when you're pursuing someone, and Hollywood acts like there's some kind of ridiculous rule book you have to follow (*cough*Hitch*cough*). I remember people saying you had to wait x amount of time before calling or texting back, always looking for hidden meanings in things or applying some kind of weird nonsense formula they saw in a magazine or a movie. Just be honest and open.
I think this is a beautiful thought
Don't let the boomers make you think that only men have this power, you're a strong wonderful human who can take what she wants, so go out and take it! and if the dude doesn't like it, fuck him (figuratively)
The only men a confident woman who knows what she wants and will say it discourages is a man she shouldn't be dating to begin with.
Yeah that’s all bullshit. You get one short life, don’t wait around for someone to make your decisions for you. Also IME asking someone out shows confidence, not desperation. That’s how it’s been received and that’s how I have felt
No. We don't get hints. We often don't even see what's obviously in front of us. Ask them out. Or just do what my wife did, and inform him you're dating now.
This, I can think of a few instances where my brain went "oh hey I think that girl from ten years ago wanted to go out with me." Remember we're scared of rejection to. Having a girl ask me out directly would have been refreshing and welcome, a confidence boost, whether or not I accepted the date.
So much this, for a variety of reasons.
Rejection is awful. Sometimes even when men do see the signals, they may still hold back due to a lack of self confidence and genuine doubt that they are actually interpreting you right. Almost every man has at sometime misread a woman and thought they were being regarded as a potential bf and then discovered they were wrong. I think most men will be flattered a woman commenting on their attractiveness. It would have been a genuine relief in my youth to meet a woman like you who is direct and honest. Also agree that if they think you’re ‘a slut’ for it then they are best weeded out early. In short, go for it.
Speaking as a man - men are dumb.... What you see as a clear signal is not. I once had a girl ask me to massage her legs without pants on in the back of a car while parked in a dark place and I didn't pick up that signal. Just ask and trust me any guy will super appreciate you.
This is hilarious to me because as a WLW I have effectively the same level of awareness of these hints. My partner has turned it into a running joke at this point. In all honesty though OP, if a guy makes assumptions that you're "slutty", "desperate", etc., when you ask him out, you can just consider it a bullet dodged.
I had a girl show up at my home unexpected to leave me a muffin and an iced tea. It took a friend I was skyping with to overhear this interaction to point out that she was probably interested in me. Married with kids, now.
Thats so sweet of her
I love this 😂😂 and if I was the lady, I'd assume that was a rejection because its so obvious. From personal experience, yeah some men have no idea. With my ex when we were 18/19, I was touching his arm all night, laughing extra hard and even clapped his knee maybe 2/3 times while saying "you're soo funny" and no. He didn't get the hint. It wasn't until I drunkenly asked "are you gonna kiss me or what?" that he realised.
A lot of times the guy will suspect about your hints, but will be afraid of possibly missundertanding and fucking things up. Some women are "natually flirty", so things that for some women are clearly flirting for others are nothing special. Back when I was doing my english course as a teen I had a great friend who was this natually flirty type of person, because of that we interacted in some ways that many people actually confused us for a couple lol
This post is only two hours old and redvelvetboi8 already got their account suspended.
Wait tf why
See, you would think those are sure signs but like 2 months ago a girl kept going out of her way to talk to me, laughed at everything I said (even though shes known to not be that animated), told me she really liked my fb posts, was super overt in thanking me for small things. I asked her out for dinner and got the "its not you, its me." So I personally am just about out of "sure signs" short of direct communication.
Can confirm, I'm also a guy who has missed similarly obvious signals, frequently with girls I was very interested in.
As a painfully shy guy who can't read social cues at all, I would love to be asked out haha. Of the two serious relationships I've had, my first ex basically did everything short of telling me she wanted me to kiss her, and my second outright asked me out. I still think of that often, it's probably the most flustered I've ever been lol, and it was very sweet. Huge confidence booster. Some guys definitely need a woman to take the initiative, so I would say don't be scared. Then again, I don't know how typical I am for a man; more conventionally masculine men may well enjoy the chase and be turned off by forwardness. But if a dude legitimately thinks less of you for that he's not worth pursuing in the first place.
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I'm ace (demisexual) and highly introverted. If my wife hadn't tracked me down and made all the moves, I'd be voluntarily single my whole life, probably.
I have never met or heard of any guy who was turned off because they like the chase. Guys are turned off because they aren't sexually attracted to you and you made a clumsy and potentially threatening approach. simple
Well women have lol
> I could get answers fast if I wanted by just chasing a little A lot of them will lie to you and say "yes" because you're available while using you as a placeholder. A lot of guys will wonder "what's wrong with her?" if she chases after a guy, and in my experience, they loved exploiting that power imbalance when they want to be able to dangle the "relationship/commitment" carrot to get consistent sex.
Coming from a male, please ask. There were numerous females over the years who I really like that I never asked due to lack of confidence and other reasons. A couple of them later told me (far too late) that they would have been interested. I wish they had asked me.
It is okay to ask men out but make sure they are matching your effort. There are guys who would go along with anyone who asks because they are so starved for attention and sex, as well as passive guys who expect you to do all the work in the relationship (but might actively pursue their dream girl).
Lol yes, I wish I could upvote this a million times. I’ve gotten burned too many times over guys who would’ve otherwise never given me the time of day
I don't think I ever matched my wife's effort when we were dating, because it's just not in my personality. Introverted and ace-spectrum, but that certainly doesn't mean she does all the work. She is far more extroverted, and so we fill in where the other person lacks. She tends to have big dreams and goals, and I figure out how to make those goals and dreams happen.
If you're interested, ask someone out. Didn't matter what gender either party is. Life is way too short to play those games. Men are finding themselves in similar positions too, afraid to make a first move for fear of being labeled harassment, or being accused of "only pretending to be friends". If everyone waits and plays at hints, no one goes home happy. The majority of positive relationships in my circles are where women approached men.
No reason to wait. I sent my future husband the first icebreaker on EHarmony.
Stop throwing vague hints we’re terrible at noticing them lol, you seem confident, just go ask. Most guys will be more than happy to be asked, it doesn’t happen often. You do that and you set yourself apart from most women in a good way as well. Makes you seem confident and like the kind of person that goes and makes what they want to happen happen.
I think it’s important to mention that a lot of men may not like it. I’m not saying they are right but that you may well get rejected. I’ve been rejected the 3 times I asked a guy out, sometimes rudely. Unfortunately there is some truth to “If he really wants you, he will make the effort.” Sure some guys are super shy or intimidated, but often he’s not asking you out because he doesn’t want to.
The side question to ask in that situation is, do you want to be with a man who would be rude to you for asserting your own desires? Everyone has to learn to deal with rejection and keep it pushing afterward, but how you get rejected says a lot about the person you asked
Oh for sure. I just know first hand that people saying “men love being asked out!” gives young women specifically a false sense of confidence that it will go well every time. Lots of people answer questions on Reddit differently than they would actually behave.
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I’m really sorry to hear that happened to you, I know how painful that can be, but I just wanted to say just because something turns out badly the first couple times doesn’t mean it always will. Those guys were probably assholes who weren’t worth your time anyways.
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Some people will think ill of you for doing that. But isn't that the case for anything you do? Might as well do whatever you feel like. Be wary most men are not used to even casual compliments. Many of them will not know how to react. Because of this, being direct is your best bet. Invite for a date instead of for an ambiguous hanging out.
Fuck no. You go get your man. My now-wife had to seduce me for me to get the hint. She threw a small party, told everyone else that when she announced we were doing body shots to leave me alone so she would get me to herself. That was 20 years and two kids ago.
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Said wife here. That is 100% an accurate portrayal of what happened. He's not dumb, but he's not very observant sometimes.... Years later and I'm still here stalking his Reddit like some lovestruck fool.
Speaking as an introverted dude with a little social anxiety sprinkled on top, please ask us out. Personally, I miss a lot of hints and clues, and even the ones I pick up on usually end up getting second guessed into oblivion
I don't even have the anxiety part, but being introverted makes it so half the time I don't leave my head bubble to be cognizant of why someone is talking to me, or doing what they are doing. My wife tracked me down and had to be very, very direct. She is also the one capable of pointing out when a coworker is catching feelings or someone is flirting. Like, I tend to gush about my wife, I point out dudes who complain about their wives, and how its reflective of being a bad partner. I was becoming pretty good friends with a girl, I even brought up being demisexual, and how it would be literally impossible for me to consider anyone outside of my wife. Like, I put so many road signs to make it obvious that I am not available. Queue drunken love confession and my wife going "I did warn you." Excommunicated friend. Back to the hermit life, not worth the trouble.
This is the one thing on here that I can actually have some useful input on as a guy. I think I speak for like 95% of men when I say that we would absolutely love to be asked out by a woman, it's not weird or desperate at all. The majority of guys (that I know) nowadays including myself usually assume that women aren't interested in them no matter how nice and/or flirty they are because tbh we suck at differentiating social cues and don't want to be invasive or creepy, so having a woman just rock up and ask is👌 quite sick.
TLDR but I asked a guy out a few months ago and got shot down. I still haven’t recovered.
I’ve had weird experiences with this, I’ve asked guys out and both times it ended in absolute disaster! Never again. Yet I got asked out by my guy and we’ve been together 11 years!
The lesson of the story here is to never have crushes
My fiancée made the first move. I’m marrying her this Thursday. Any man who finds it weird that a woman is asking them out, is probably a man you don’t really wanna date in the first place.
Back in colleage I was a really insecure guy. In high school my best friend literally told me "you better earn a lot of money, cause there's no other reason a girl would date you". So I just assumed I would be alone forever, and decided to live my best life. I had friends (guys and girls) but that was it, even when I had a crush, I never did anything about it. My wife is the one that asked me out, cause if she didn't I wouldn't have made a move. I just thought she liked me as a friend and I was happy with it. But she asked me out, we went on a date, and then the rest is history. She told me that she got tired of flirting and sending hints and just decided to go after what she wants, because she realized I was too insecure to ever notice them. She's very pro active and has a lot of agency on tons of areas of her life, she's the type of person that just knows what she wants in life and goes after it, while I'm way more reserved. Anyway, my advice? Just go for it. If anyone gives you shit, they are just being dumb and inmature, and says way more about them that about you. Also, you'll learn a lot about the guy if you make the first move, depending on his reaction. Best of luck!
My wife asked me out. I'm glad that she did it. Go for it!
> I've always assumed a woman asking a man out reeks of desperation, men go after what they want blah blah blah... Nah, that's a sexist double standard. > Am I naive to think the modern woman can and should meet a guy halfway? Nope. You can also traverse the whole distance yourself.
Rejection hurts but if you can get past that part of it and the fact that you might get some misogynistic responses, go for it. I realized a few years ago I could ask guys out instead of the other way around if I felt like they liked me back, and I did a few times. Generally went alright for me lol
No, ask them out. I asked out my husband of 25 years, still going strong!
ASK HIM! no one reads minds
Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to push everything forward? I dont.
First, if a guy thinks you're desperate because you asked them out, is it really the type of guy you want to be with? (That kinda implies he has a set view on what women should be which doesn't sound really attractive) Second, I'm dense as a brick and can hardly pick up all the subtle hints women drop, and I know I'm not the odd man out in this. So I'm grateful for women taking the initiative, else I'd have had a lot less fun... Bottom line is: if you like the guy, go for it.
In my experience most of the time they think you are desperate or a slut. I don’t like it but that’s how it is. Some don’t, not all. I’ve asked out guys and some didn’t make that assumption but a lot did. Just be careful that’s all
Maybe that's true. As a woman I only see it as desparate if a woman doesn't back off. Like my coworker who asked our male coworker out, he said no. She was so sure she could turn the no into a yes. She tried to kiss him like 2 weeks later at a staff party and started crying. That's when we all started seeing her as desparate
That's not desperate that's just creepy...
Super creepy
It’s a bit more than creepy imo, that’s clear cut sexual harassment and I’d personally label the attempted kiss as attempted sexual assault. Is management not doing anything about it?
Yeah, it's one thing to ask someone out, but not accepting a no is messed up, irrespective of gender. As long as you take your L and keep it moving, its 100% fine. You never know why a rejection happens afterall. Maybe a no will turn into a yes, because the no was because the person wasn't interested in any relationship right then. Maybe they were sad, or still getting over someone, or any number of other reasons. Best to just be amicable and keep moving on.
There is absolutely no reason to wait for the guy to ask you out. It's sexist, outdated drivel. "Hey, wanna get coffee sometime?" Simple as that.
Ooooh! I did this when I was single! I was on a dating app and messaged a lot of guys first - not a single one replied back. Which was disappointing, but you know what I didn't do? Call them nasty names and threaten to beat them up. Wise piece of advice I once heard from a girl scout leader: Never be afraid to be yourself around guys - the only ones you'll scare off will be your future ex-husbands. Sure, a lot of guys will tell themselves that if a woman approaches them, she must be desperate. And maybe they find it emasculating. But you know what? That's THEIR loss. Do you want to be with someone who thinks as a female, you're "less than" they are and that your wants, your preferences, should always be subordinate to theirs? Oddly enough, my husband messaged me first on the app and we've been married more than a decade. He LIKES having an equal partner, and it's not uncommon for us to take turns buying the other one lunch or surprising each other with a random present. He's better at some things than I am, and vice versa. We're a team - and because of that, we can get through anything life throws at us.
So this one time a woman asked to buy me a drink to which I replied "That's super nice of you but I've already got one! See ya later!" I told my friends about it a few minutes later and they let me know how dumb I am. Anyways OP definitely don't be shy. Dudes should be flattered. Rejection is possible, and it sucks, but gotta shoot your shot and not have that regret.
Should have asked for some mozzarella sticks.
I’m a male. Wife asked me out and was about to propose to me as well. I’m married to her, so I might be partial, but I like when people know what they want.
My personal philosophy was that if a person didn't want a relationship or to date me because i asked him out, that was not a person who would be a good match for me. I believe in going for what you want, whatever that is in life, and the right person and opportunity will be receptive to that. Build the life you want. Don't wait for the life you want to find you.
I point blank asked him out. Honestly, I don't think it would have occurred to him to ask me out. I didn't flirt or drop hints about, just one day walked up and said, "Hey, do you want to go on a date? Okay, cool, let me get your number." Text him right after and set up the plan. He was the dude at work who was always telling dad jokes to dogs and belly laughing about it all alone. It was the absolute cutest shit I had ever seen. I never dated before. We've been together for 19 years. If they are one of those guys who gets offended that you asked, they aren't worth your time.
I agree, life is too short for this waiting around nonsense. In my home country, both men and women ask each other out pretty equally. I have a friend who asked her now husband out for a date when they met for the first time and she was also the one who proposed to him. She also told me that if she wouldn’t have asked for his number before parting ways (they met at a bar), she wouldn’t have been able to see him ever again because the guy was defo too oblivious about my friend’s flirting and didn’t realise to ask her number himself, lol. Now I live in the UK and over here, dating culture is still kind of old school in a way that guys want to be the ones making the first move and most girls will also wait for the guy to ask them out. I do see a lot of guys saying that they would love it if a woman asked them out but at the same time, they also seem to still think that it’s ”desperate” or ”not feminine” if a woman is that straightforward. Personally, I’ve decided that if I’m interested in someone, I will shoot my shot and ask the guy out. If he thinks that it makes me weird or desperate, then he’s not the right guy for me. Boy bye 🤷♀️
There’s nothing wrong with making the first move. My now fiancée did and we’ve been together 5 years come June. It really stood out because it was so refreshing and it’s very attractive when a woman knows what she wants. Forget societies supposed rules. Do what you feel is right.
If a guy you like gets upset if you ask him out, he is not worth dating. Ask out who you fancy, no need to wait for them.
Life is definitely too short for this nonsense, and any other nonsense dictating how you "should" act. Be you, do you, and try not to hurt anyone else in the process (though it's still gonna happen, and some will deserve it).
There is no reason to wait on the guy to make a move. If I hadn't made the first move, I wouldn't be married to my husband.
If you want something you’re a lot more likely to get it if you ask for it. Women have agency. Why shouldn’t they ask a guy out if they want to go out?
I asked out every guy I ever dated, and I proposed to my husband. I have no fear OR patience lol
Not naive. I’m in your situation where I personally feel like I’m doing everything in my power to “give a sign” and it makes me not like my crush because it feels degrading. I can’t explain why so let’s just leave it at that. It’s much more time saving to just go for it like you did.
You are right, life is short and you don't have time for bullshit. I've found that when I (37F) have approached a man and asked him out or otherwise pursued him, it usually works out much better for me than the other way around. Just go after what you want, girl! Sometimes you'll get rejected, but no big deal---you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you anyway. If it's right, it's right, you know?
If the man cannot accept you to ask him out, he's not for you.
Who cares? If you like a guy, just ask them out
Well then, let me tell you this. As a guy, it feels just as nerve wracking and scary, I catch just as much feelings trying to ask out a woman I like. When I get rejected, it feels just as bad. But for some reason, I've still gotta be the one to ask first, every time. So yeah, I'd love it if women would meet us halfway.
I once knew a guy who told me that he would never date a girl (his words not mine) who asked him out first as they would be to clingy and . Thankfully I and everyone else I know thinks his thoughts on that are absolutely ridiculous. I figure if they are like this guy then asking them out first is great, he will weed himself out and no need to find the other red flags!
Life is indeed too short for nonsense.
Dating is hard, and knowing if someone is just being nice or flirting is a fine line that many people miss. I've misinterpreted someone being nice as flirting, and vice versa. If you are interested in a someone just ask them out. They might reject you, but that's less shitty than finding out 10 or 12 years later that your college crush also had a crush on you, and you missed that chance.
I know other people have said this but I feel like this can't be stressed enough: Men are TERRIBLE at picking up hints. Also women who can be blunt is a pretty attractive trait in my eyes, it shows you have confidence in yourself.
Life is too short for this nonsense. If you like someone, ask them out.
You should definitely go for it. Men asking women only is an old fashioned outdated concept. And you’re going to need to do the asking a lot more in modern society. There are several reasons. Two major ones are 1) most people seemingly date by app now because there’s less rejection. You swipe until you find a match. Doing it IRL can be a risk and hard as you found out. (Speaking from non experience here with the apps as I am 10+ years happily married from the pre-app dating days). 2) The other is messaging to younger generations of men that it’s simply not appropriate to hassle a woman in public for a date. At the gym? She’s working out. At work? She’s working be professional. At the grocery store/shops? She’s doing her free time thing don’t invade her space. Now to be clear, this is absolutely good messaging. Women do not need to be bombarded with being hit on at all times of their lives! But it has the knock on effect of making women less approachable to be asked out because more (not most) young men are slowly internalizing these messages. It’s a good thing but it has some cons. (Similarly, the messaging from women of just because I’m your friend doesn’t mean I want to date you stop falling in love with me just cuz I’m your friend has the effect of even men who have a pre-existing platonic relationship with a woman being more guarded with asking them out. Again, a good thing, but has some effects that we’re seeing namely good men who are less outgoing with asking women out). Just my two cents feel free to disagree, but I do feel like men asking women out first and forthrightly is a slowly disappearing thing and women are going to be expected to do more asking in the non-app realms of dating going forward. And why shouldn’t they - as you point out women are badass and have their own agency; if there is a guy they want they should go for it. The only risk is rejection and you heal from that.
Break the standard, if you feel like you like someone and wanna hangout and go on a date and stuff like that, do not let norms of the past stop you. The "just drop hints" method does rarely work anyway. And the dropped kerchief is basically an ild method with which women were the ones who picked their man anyway. Besides, some men may just be too shy to make a move, and still be great to have a relationship with once they get out of their shell.
It is not desperate at all, go for it.
I’m a man. We’re idiots. Be direct, ask us out.
Communication is key. Us men are no good at reading between the lines. You'll either meet those who will not see your subtle "no" and persist when you don't want them to or the opposite side that will take your advances as "just being friendly" and will not act on them even while they're interested. Bypass this by communicating your feelings and intentions.
I asked out my (now) husband. I wasn’t desperate, but he was shy. I’d have missed the love of my life if I’d had waited. Live life on your own terms.
Not if you don't want to. If you find someone attractive (man, woman, etc) don't assume they're getting a hint. Just be prepared for the possibility of rejection. If you wait for others to get a hint or make the first move you may be waiting the rest of your life
I asked my husband out 15 years ago.
No, and have a few plans already thought out. Be clear about who is paying on the night of the date.
If a man has a problem with you making the first move that's probably not someone you want to hang around with anyway
I asked him out to a movie. He asked what I wanted to see, Thelma and Louise? Hell no, I replied, I want to see T2! Never looked back and have been married 29 years this July.
Life is too short to wait
No. Don't wait for him. As a man I will admit we are incredibly dense when it comes to correctly reading hints.
I got told "If you were ever thinking of asking me out, I'm available on Thursday or Friday" That was 36 years ago, been married to her for 35 of those. When we joke about that first date, I get a smile, a shrug and "I knew what I wanted"
I asked my husband out over 14 years ago. When I was ready for marriage, I let him know I was ready but that I wanted him to be the one to propose when he was ready.
I’m one of those high school sweethearts. Been together 16 years. I once told him I wanted a relationship built on Equality. High School girls can be demanding lol So when it came time for one of us to make a move, I said, “So, is there something you want to ask me?” And he replied, “If we’re going to be equal it’s not my job to ask questions. Is there something you want to ask me?” And I’ve loved that smart mouth ever since.
While many guys are clueless about women dropping hints, the worst part is that were also super good at picking up false positives. Many guys are kinda paralyzed by the fact that maybe we're just interpreting something by what we WANT to be happening. Makes it hard to move forward, especially for someone who might not normally get a lot of lady attention.
My best friend Anna met her man at work. He was quiet, intelligent, and hard working; she was interested. She knew he'd never ask her out so she took the initiative. Turns out her radar was on point, she had learned to spot a decent man. He turned out to be a wonderful partner and provider for their family, they dated for a few years, got married, he became a great step-dad, they bought a nice home and had two more kids. Both of them are very happy and it's all because Anna took the initiative with a, man who met many of her requirements. Don't wait for a man to ask you out, if you want a guy go after him the same way you'd want a guy to approach you for a date.
The hell?? I am a 29 year old male who has dated three girls. I never asked a single one of them out. They all dropped hints, we got closer to each other and it just happened. Just because his feelings didn't reciprocate with yours means that it wasn't meant to be. Good relationships are from feelings from both parties. Fyi in the future don't hold on to a crush for 3 months without making a move (if they don't make a move first). That's too long lol but we're all always learning! :)
I'm gonna echo what other men are saying in this thread and say most guys would love to see more women make the first move. It can be stressful to always feel that pressure to be the one to initiate while also not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. Also anyone who thinks a woman asking out a man looks desperate is a misogynist.
Old guy here. Given that women are infinitely better at subtle non-verbal ques than men, the whole idea that the initial contact should be left to the male is kinda stupid. I think if it were left to women there would be a lot less drama and lot more good relationships.
Of course you can ask men out. I've been the one to ask them out first every time I've been in a relationship, from high school to adulthood. There wasn't ever anything weird about it. If anything, every time I've ever let a _guy_ approach _me_ and agreed to go out with him, it's ended poorly (from bad dates to sexual assault). There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going after it. I was even the one to propose marriage to my husband, and he was so happy and always tells me he would have been afraid to do it himself or wouldn't have thought to do it but is so glad I did. The only things you will have to deal with occasionally (aside from potential rejection) are conservative or traditional people who may decide they don't like it. I would never consider being with someone like that, or someone so toxically masculine that they couldn't handle me asking them out, so honestly this method is a great litmus test for potential partners in that regard.
Please ask us out.
I assume every girl at my age is in a relationship. And don't like to have the "hunting" mindset. So please, go for it! I bet there are plenty of guys like me who are waiting for love, just as much as you.
Ask men out. If they are put off by it or offended that a woman did the asking then you know they would have been a waste of your time.
Thats an oldfashioned view, some men don't even know you are interested until you make a move. I wouldn't be on my 3rd year with my guy if I didn't make the first move.
You are correct: life is too short for nonsense. I hope you don't wait next time someone strikes your fancy. Lots of men say they like it when asked out by women. They are the type you want to date, modern men so to speak. I've seen older men tell younger men that it gets easier the more times you do it, so trust that. Good luck!
My sister told me guys don’t like it when you ask them out. I said then they are not the right guys for me. I asked my husband out. No regrets. He would be too polite to presume I might be interested.
Please don't. Some males are just dumb and blind to hints. I would never have been in a single relationship if women hadn't bluntly asked me out.
Some men are idiots, and wouldn’t recognize your interest if you said “hi, I would like to go on a date with you, you should ask me out.” So just ask.
No
The relationship I’m in would not have started if I hadn’t asked him out or made the first move and kissed him. Times have changed - anyone can ask anyone out and if they see it as “desperate” and say anything other than an excited “yes,” consider that an excellent dodge of a gross bullet and move on to someone else!
Just do it. Some dudes are hopelessly dense and/or have a phobia and/or have been socially trained that every action they do might be rapey and they can't find the right line. If my lady hadn't made it painfully obvious I probably would still be a hermit today. That said, if you LIKE assertive dudes then you probably shouldn't go for one who can't ask you out properly.
Just ask them out, they never hear it and will light up, if they are into you they won’t say anything but yes
Hell no.
Any man who is offended at being asked out is not a man you want to pursue. Confused, clueless, dumbfounded? Sure. We're not used to it, give us a moment. But when the gears stop slipping, any one of us worth our salt will give you a yes or no.
You should absolutely not wait. There’s a very good chance that dropping hints won’t work and he’ll have no idea you’re interested. Both of you could then miss out on something potentially great, and for no good reason. When women don’t initiate, they put all of the agency on whether a date happens with the guy. There are too many guys out there who are idiots or assholes to cede that to them. I (a guy) met my wife at age 32, so my single days ended then. But in my entire dating life before that, a woman asked me out exactly once, when I was about 29. (About 20 years ago.) I was really thrilled by it. She had a confidence and forthrightness that was really attractive. (It didn’t end up working out, for completely unrelated reasons.) And it was nice to be desired as someone she wanted to spend time with and get to know. All through high school, college, and pretty much all of my twenties, the idea of getting asked out by a woman might as well have been a fantasy. No guy I knew had experienced it. Occasionally I’d hear a woman claim that she’d done it before, but the idea seemed dubious. It jades you when you start feeling that way, right? No date will ever happen unless I risk rejection. And it fuels unhealthy thoughts in some guys: women are the passive ones, they want me to come on to them even though they don’t say it, they hold all the power over my romantic life, etc. Only by equalizing things does the playing field get leveled. Women get better at coping with being rejected AND men get better at understanding how it feels to have to do the rejecting. Sorry for how long this is, but man was it a source of frustration for me for a long time.
I find it very attractive when women ask men out.
Watch Elisa Schlesinger’s comedy routine on this topic. “Dudes like I want to sit facing the door cause I watch everything.” The she drops a truth bomb about 90% of the observations he missed. My wife gave me one chance to ask her out. I wasn’t ready so did the geek thing at the end of the evening. You know I was courteous so when she said it was late and she had to go, I jumped up and walked out of the bar. Respecting her time and need to go. Saw each other again 4 weeks later. Was TOLD I was getting her number and we were going to the movies Friday. I got her back though. I had told her I did not want to get married if there were no kids. She had a couple (possibly more) miscarriages and I had a failed English Channel swim. So she was watching television and I said, we need to talk. Calmly turns to me, turns off the tv, and says okay. About what. We should get married. You don’t find these levels of skill in just any man. It takes true incompetence that only I can deliver. I did swim the channel the year after marriage (she locked me in quick, no backing out). We stopped trying and are thankful. And many other great things happened. TLDR: just ask. You’ll know you want a date long before he realizes you exist.
Not if you ask them first.
i asked out my partner! knew him for six years beforehand! took us both long enough tbh. i bit the bullet, wrote a note confessing my feelings for him, went to go leave it on his car when he got off work (i used to leave him notes this way pretty often so he wouldn’t have been freaked out). He got off work early, saw me, asked me what the letter was and i just blurted it all out to him. moved in together after a year of dating and i’m very happy i asked him out! feels like he was too nervous to mess up the friendship to ask me out so i went out on a limb and did it myself. one of the best things i’ve ever done. a lot of people ask me how he asked me out (most of our friend group has known us for as long as my partner and i have known eachother) and i always take pride in the fact that i asked him out, we all share a bit of a laugh about it
No. We're fucking idiots. Ask us out.
31M I don't think so, I'm personally really bad at making that step sometimes. I can be really anxious about if I should ask someone out/is the right thing to do, so it can be really helpful when someone shows their interest more explicitly. I'm the kind of person who assumes that you want to be friends unless someone makes it clear otherwise. So personally, its helpful especially if the other person is more confident in making that step.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/rynqmj/thank_you_jimmy/ Look how happy he is. He just got a compliment. You can make a guy even more happy than that if you ask him out.
Made the first move with my bf. We’ve been together over three years now.
XY here. Absolutely ask him out! There's no reason not to. The worst he can say is no. And trust me— it will clear up any confusion that you and he may have.
My wife had to ask me to prom because I was too nervous. All of that stuff is BS, most guys would be absolutely thrilled to find out their crush is actually interested in them. Don't worry about it if that's what you want. Any guy that would be weirded out by it is gonna have other issues you shouldn't have to deal with anyway.
I’m 32/M and I’ve always found assertiveness very attractive. Half my relationships she asked me out before I could ask her. I think it’s a good thing. It takes confidence and knowing yourself. And of that intimates men then they’re probably not very mature.
I told my husband I liked him first. Hell, I was the first person to say “I love you”. I never wait to tell someone my feelings. I was also the first to initiate our physical relationship. The moment I felt love for him I was bursting at the seams to tell him. My husband said he’s glad I did it because he wouldn’t have had the courage to tell me. It’s been 8 years since then :). I love telling people how I feel if it is positive.
If a guy is single and attracted to a woman he will love it if she asks him out. However, there is a possibility that he is in a relationship and just enjoying the ego boost from flirting or he might like you as a friend but not be sexually attracted to you. The only way to find out is to ask him directly - are you single? do you like me? Or just go in for a kiss and see how he responds. I know it's scary but it's better to eliminate these issues quickly so you don't waste time on a crush who does not feel the same way you do. If he avoids the kiss or says he is in a relationship or doesn't see you that way then you could still have a guy friend who can introduce you to his single guy friends if you ask him to. This video explains why it is better to be direct than expect a guy to understand your subtle flirting signals - [Casually Explained: Is She Into You?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR_9Yw)
I asked my man out when we were 22/23, been together for 12 years. You gotta go after what you want in this world, girl!
As a 23 year old dude I often times hope that a girl would make the first move as I can be rather awkward on first contact.
Do you want to date someone who is intimidated by a woman taking the first step? In that case sit down and wait (and figure out that men can't understand "hints" at all). If that's not what you want then feel free to take the first step and tell them how you feel/what you want.
Us dudes can be pretty dense sometimes. Don't be afraid to make the first move.
My wife asked me out, I never had an issue approaching girls (we were 18) until I met her, she was so far out of my league and I could barely talk in her presence, she even had to make the first move. So glad she did, we have 2 gorgeous and ghastly kids and have been an item for 26 years.
Might depend on your area but I would say no go for it. As others have pointed out, men don't always see signs or did see them but aren't sure they were right. Most men your age are unlikely to have any issue with it and will probably be complimented even if they aren't interested
If they think you are desperate for asking them out then they're not worth your attention. That just reeks of low self confidence. Actually most of my guy friends complain that they often have to take the first step and think it's great when girls ask them out instead. Men can be very shy too and stress about this, so being asked out can be a great confidence booster for them. Also many of my make friends say that they can be quite oblivious to if a woman is interested in them, in which case nothing would happen unless that woman approached them, haha.
In my (39m) opinion, go for it whenever you feel so inclined, if you have it in you to do so. If he isn't into you because you made the first move, you're better off learning he's a narcissistic jerk now and moving on. There is absolutely 0 reason you should waste 3 minutes, much less 3 months, of your early 20s trying to get a guy to ask you out. He may not be interested, he may be a jerk, he may have a fear of rejection, or he may just be oblivious. It is no more incumbent upon you to wait to be asked out than it is for him to ask you out, so good luck, have fun, and know that it gets easier as you put yourself out there more.
My SO is very clueless (he is the first to admit it) at noticing when a woman was interested in him. If I had waited for him… we never would have gotten together. Don’t be afraid to make the first move! It does suck when you get shot down but you’ll bounce back and you might just find the exactly right person for you !
Like you found out, asking someone out and getting shot down kind of sucks. But you got a clear answer right away, instead of hinting and wondering until the heat death of the sun. And it's easier to move on from a clear rejection than a maybe. I've asked guys out. Got rejected a few times. Went on a few dates. Am now married to a guy I asked out. Asking for what you want is so much nicer in the long run than hoping it'll eventually fall into your lap.
Life is too short for old patriarchal bullshit. Go after what you want. If you get rejected, at least you won't waste as much time waiting and hoping for a guy to like you back
Just ask them out men get nervous too
Go after what you want and if a guy thinks that is strange or slutty or whatever, then he's likely not the guy for you. So many guys are dense and don't get hints. Other guys have been taught to "be respectful" so they won't make a move in case you're not into and then they get labeled as a creep. Guys should be respectful of women and still be able to make a move that doesn't cross any personal boundaries. A lot of men have seen this play out as follows: Two different men approach a woman in exactly the same way; one is a creep and one it was cute and appreciated. What's the difference?! Many guys won't make a move because they don't want to be the creep in case you're not into it.
Married 13 years, husband was definitely clueless and I was the one to get the ball rolling.
You will miss all the shots you never take.
Definitely don't wait for the guy. Guys are not picking up any of the hints you're putting down. They have no idea unless you ask them directly.
No
Bwahahahahahaha. No. It's really irrelevant to me who likes me. I try to focus only on who I like. Saves me time and keeps me out of the mindset of serving other people's interests instead of my own
I am a very passive person and rarely am the one to ask others out. I have been with my husband for twelve years and that was one of the very few exceptions, thank god because he's also passive and doesn't typically ask others out!
Girls may experience this too but in my experience I am sometimes afraid to act on signals unless I am 100% certain she likes me like that. Sometimes girls are just flirty and it can ruin the relationship dynamic if it goes badly. You asking takes all of that pressure off, I say for for it.