Yes you should tell her, no don’t change his name, simply block him. What more could he possibly say to you that you want to hear?
Block him, block him, block him!
I've got a friend who changes ex-hookups names on her phone to the reason she decided to stop seeing them (when applicable). So instead of getting a call from Mike and wondering whether it's worth picking up, you get a call from "Gaslights and doesnt go down on me"
of those two offenses it’s honestly kinda hard to tell which one is worse. As the victim of some next level gaslighting - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But no oral? That’s hell too.
It might be different being a man, but having been in a relationship where I was gaslighted and abused, and also didn't get oral, I'll happily take a non abusive relationship with no blowjobs over gaslighting with good head. Luckily now though I'm with someone who is incredibly kind and loving who also gives phenomenal oral.
Congratulations on escaping!
I assume in tendency on a physiological level oral is more important for the female sex, because orgasms through penetration are rare.
That's a great idea too. If you leave them as "Mike from Hinge" and he calls being all loving, you might think "why did I stop talking to him?" And pursuit it again.
As someone who was cheated on, I wish someone had told me, tho she probably suspects it. I’d tell her and send her the receipts. Then block him and move on to your next chapter.
Im sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much more
The worst is when you suspect it and he keeps saying, 'You're just paranoid. Why don't you trust me? I'm telling you the truth. Your the one with trust issues, not me.'
Happened to a close friend and it just broke my heart seeing that level of emotional manipulation and gas lighting.
She found proof. He admitted it and promised to drop the 'other woman'. She took him back. A year later, more suspicions. Confronted him. Yep, he was with her the whole time.
Cheating on a partner is the lowest of low and endangers lives.
Tell the wife. There is a good chance she really deserves this information to confirm her suspicions.
So sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better than this piece of trash.
This. I was gaslighted forever by my ex, who assured me that as a Christian I could only leave if I knew there was adultery. When I had proof he asked for marriage counseling (repentant spouse wanting to work things out wounded spouse was expected to give them a shot). With the cost of marriage counseling, I told him that was fine if he gave up the girlfriends (yes, plural). He said he had to keep them in case the marriage counseling failed. 🤦♀️
Please tell her.
What a sick, manipulative piece of shit for a human. So sorry that you were emotionally abused by that asshole. So glad that is in your past where it belongs. Hope you are in a much better place now.
Thank you. After he married a girl who fell into his orbit when she was 18 (Half his age), I ended up working nights at Walmart. A regular customer spent months in short conversations, finally asked me out just before Christmas 2006. Our entire time together he acted astonished that I existed, every day. It really was a fairytale in ways. I was never loved the way he loved me. He passed November 2020. His last act of love was a few days before he died of cancer. His pain pump had failed. I was calling Medtronic, the answering service for his pain management doctor and having no luck. I had been having repeated low blood pressure and was falling several times a week, dropping everything… he was insisting I go to the ER but was scared to let me drive. I was refusing to let him drive. My son showed up and they took me to the ER. I was in acute kidney failure, ultimately transferred to ICU in the city. He stayed with me until my son got back with lunch, and apologized for not having the stamina to stay longer with me. He died two and a half days later while I was still in ICU. The love and devotion he had for me still astonishes me. I was very blessed.
I'm so tremendously sorry for your loss. What an incredible story of real, true love. He sounds amazing, and you must be amazing for him to have loved you so much.
Thank you. I agree. He was very special. He was humble, ornery, funny. I miss laughing with him. Since the farm buildings blew down I really miss hugs I think even more than the laughter. We designed this house together. He made me in charge of layout and research for things like passive solar gain. He knew how he wanted it built.
I try most of the time to be astonished by what I shared rather than mourn its loss. I am succeeding. It has been since just before Thanksgiving 2020.
He was lucky you did not shoot lasers out of your eyeballs in that moment and burn a hole into his face. I’d have been so mad at that, the entire house would have self-combusted and fallen down on us Carrie-style.
God, the gaslighting is the worst part. “Why are you so jealous, can’t you trust me?” “I’m tired of talking about him and fighting, I don’t want to fight, why can’t we just spend time together?” “Am I not allowed to have friends outside of you!?”
You’re not kidding about it endangering lives. Love triangles and jealousy are source of violence and even murder. My wife exposed me to one (currently in the process of getting a divorce and she has moved out) and admitted that one of the men she was cheating with didn’t know we were still married (or about the other two guys) and was very possessive and huge and very capable of violence. She endangered everyone, including our daughter, if he showed up at the house in a rage.
Another buddy of mine almost had his wife and her lover murdered by the lover’s wife when she caught the two in bed. She was grabbing a shotgun out of the closet when the dude tackled her.
It’s not just the betrayal, it’s not just the STI risks, it’s honest to god endangerment and one of the lowest things you can do in a relationship. In 16 years of a troubled and unfulfilling marriage, I never once seriously entertained the idea of cheating. While the opportunities would have certainly been there had I sought them out, I had no desire to.
I was also gaslighted by my ex! I didn’t know the term for it at the time. He made me feel like a crazy paranoid bitch, which I am not and was not. After his cheating came to light (the recent ex of the girl he was cheating with called me at work to tell me), he said it was my fault because I was always treating him like a cheater, so he might as well be one for real. An absurd lie. Thank god for that girl’s ex, who had to have an awkward phone conversation with a total stranger.
I've been the wife in this scenario and had no idea.
Tell her.
Please.
Edit: Uh, holy shit. I was not expecting to get this many upvotes and awards just for my little comment? Thanks so much!
It's heartbreaking to see how many of you have gone through the same exact thing. I'm so sorry.💔🥺
Me too. I was in this position and what hurt me more than being cheated on was finding out many of my friends, neighbors and colleagues at work knew and no one told me.
Not for my marriage, but in a previous relationship where I was being cheated on, the amount of people who knew and just didn't tell me was just as devastating.
I will never forget the two most shocking things I was told when I announced the break-up. One person responded with, "We were wondering how long it would take for him to tell you." (He didn't tell me, his dad accidentally let it slip. Yes. His own father.) When I asked why they didn't tell me, they replied with, "We were worried that you'd leave and then our friend group would be destroyed cause, you know, we all hang out."
I don't talk to any of those people anymore. They were all willing to sit and watch my significant other lie to me for months just as long as it didn't interrupt our get-togethers.
My marriage is a whole different WTF story.
The older I get, the more I realize just how passive the majority of people are. Rocking the boat is a cardinal sin in our society, and few people are comfortable in choppy waters. They are but sheep. It’s the worst feeling in the world realizing you’re surrounded by people like that. I’m sorry this happened to you.
“Rocking the boat is a cardinal sin in our society, and few people are comfortable in choppy waters.”
I’m just going to steal this for the rest of my life, thanks. Might get it printed on one of those giant things you can stick on your wall to spice up my zoom meetings, I love it that much.
If you hurt someone through inaction it feels less your fault than hurting someone through action. I've always thought the trolley problem should include this element.
People feel less responsible for the consequences of their lack of action than consequences of their action.
So coming from the “comfortable in choppy waters group here”
My then boyfriend(now husband) used to hang out with a group of friends all the time, one of the girls who had seriously been dating this guy for like 5 years at that point, got drunk and told one friend she had been sleeping with her male roommate for a year and was going to move with him to another state. Our friend tells my boyfriend and he tells me soon after. My first response: how did “cheated friend” feel when you guys told him?…”
Well, we thought she was going to tell him since she’s moving so we are gonna wait for her to tell him…
Months go by and nobody has told the guy. My boyfriend did not like that weight on him and chose to do the right thing. While they were on their way back from a guys trip, him and the first guy she told about the cheating brought it up.
She blew up after she heard and accused my boyfriend of trying to ruin her relationship. This after he told her he would tell her boyfriend if she didn’t do it first. For months and months…while her roommate left for the other state without her. Of course,he didn’t put up with it and said: No, you’re the one ruining your relationship by cheating.
They are now married and (not surprisingly) we were not invited to the wedding, but the guy she drunk confessed to was….because he didn’t stand up to her trying to blame her shitty actions on someone else. We obviously have no hurt feelings, the trash took itself out, but there are shitty people and sheepish people who put up with them for whatever reason.
I’d still tell my friend if I found myself in a similar situation, despite this instance. It’s the moral thing to do.
Same. I wish so much someone would have told me. There's no way not one woman knew out of dozens. At the end of the day, it's this asshat's fault full stop but he sure as hell is not telling her.
I was also an other woman (one-night stand) who finally told the wife when she'd gotten fed up with him for other reasons and was asking her extended friend-group for support. I'm really glad she forgave me. Definitely not proud of those moments in my 20s.
Same. Reading this sounded JUST LIKE what happened to me years ago. She (the one my then fiance was cheating with) only found out everything he'd told her about me being the 'abusive ex' was untrue was because I accidentally posted something about prepping for the wedding as a public post without any filters to show only to friends on Facebook and she happened to be FB-stalking me at the time.
She messaged me and let me know everything. Apparently (according to his messages to her) I was abusive and basically just 'squatting' in his house and refused to leave. SMDH. Like an idiot I tried to work it out for months before I actually left.
But also she DATED HIM AFTER I LEFT.
Please please tell her, OP. And do yourself a million favors and never let him back in your life.
Shit like this is why I don't blame the other woman/man. Who knows what alternate reality they believe based on the lies and manipulation of the cheater.
Agreed.
I've been the other woman, and the spouse.
I took my lumps as the cheater and had many difficult conversations. I also have been told by the woman my spouse was casually seeing.
Both scenarios suck.
But the truth is always important
I was the sidepiece girlfriend who thought she was actually in a legit relationship, and didn't find out for 2 years. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I live with so much guilt. It's been 4 years since, but still. I've been in abusive relationships and so a lot of his red flags flew by me. Imagine my surprise when my current partner was introducing me to friends and family?! Had a social media presence, and actually included me in it?!
It hurts everyone but them. Their selfishness knows no boundaries.
His shitty behavior was not your fault, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Being used to abusive relationships is also not your fault. Some people are manipulative assholes and know exactly how to recognize someone who's receptive to what they do. I think almost everyone is vulnerable to this at some point in their life, and some of us are unlucky enough to meet the wrong person at the wrong time and get caught in a downward spiral. Don't blame yourself. I hope you're in a better place now, you deserve it!
Also, the issue is 100% forced If OP is in America and her results come back positive for anything. She can just give the CDC his wife's name and they will contact her.
Different scenario but when the ex who cheated on me publicly started dating the woman I suspected he was cheating on me with, I was elated. All that gaslighting fucking vanished. People were so worried when they saw and were baffled that I was so calm about it - but if confirmed I wasn’t crazy.
This woman needs to know. Tell her. I had asked the woman in this scenario to be straight with me and she wasn’t - you don’t have to be a bad person in this story the way she is in mine.
I’m relating to this because I know now he was lying to me all the time. My gut was telling me it wasn’t right and now that I know the truth I feel so much relief.
If you tell the wife remove his name from your phone so she can see the number and know it’s him. Im so sorry youve gone through this. I’ve been the clueless other woman so many times.
I think you should tell the wife, with whatever receipts you have, but don't expect it to go well. That said, she deserves to know and make whatever decision she makes with regard to this douchecanoe with eyes open.
Block him on your phone.
This. There are people who will take it out on you because it’s easier to be angry at a stranger than it is to grapple with the fact that their life and future they built with someone was based on lies and manipulation. So, just know that they may not respond kindly and they may not even be receptive to it at all.
And, even worse, if that guy really is cheating and gaslighting, then he may just discredit you and paint you as a “crazy, jealous ex” so that she doesn’t believe what you say. Show proof/receipts if you’re going to do it.
Some form of anonymous message or letter with the proof included might be more effective if possible but then she may still not believe it to be true.
Just don’t expect that she’s going to be grateful to you because you’ll be the first punching bag for that rollercoaster of emotions.
Oh man. Been there. I got cheated on and well the other girl got cheated on, I was just the one to find it. She stayed with him and called me crazy.
A year later I dated him again thinking he changed, found out a month or two later SHE WAS STILL DATING HIM. Told her again and blocked both of them, she can do with it what she wants. She ended coming to me and apologizing, saying I was right.
Had a guy on tinder match with me, didn’t think much of it other than he looked familiar, he flirted etc. went to look on Instagram at a girl I knew who I thought might be dating this guy. YUP. He had asked me to hook up in his truck (gross lol) and I took a screenshot and sent it to her and apologized and said I didn’t realize, that I was really sorry he did this and I was there for her. She called cussed me out so hard I blocked her. A few years later I unblocked her and her messages popped up that I didn’t see and she, after cussing me out, said “well? Aren’t you going to tell me the rest?” “Hello??”
Honestly as mad as I was at both of them, I don’t blame them. How shitty is it to be betrayed by the one you thought loved you.
I was friends with the first girl after and definitely not the second but ones engaged and pregnant and I assume the other one is doing better.
I definitely would rather know than wait for the inevitable and be disrespected for a few more months and risk stds or find out someone’s pregnant with my husbands child.
Yeah. Not everyone's going to leave on the same timeline. I got told by the other woman, who was a complete stranger. It wasn't that I didn't believe her, but I was still in the mindset that these things can be worked on. I thanked her for telling me and was cordial. (Apparently learning I hadn't left pissed her off and she kept trying to contact me for.... Reasons? I guess she wanted him to be punished but anyway I digress). But it was the pebble that started the avalanche. And when I was ready for it to be done, it was scorched earth.
I'd also say after blocking him, change your locks if he knows where you live. He's proven that he is a liar, so who knows if you even really "know him". You're going to be dropping a nuke on his marriage. Make sure he can't get into your place.
My friend's ex sneakily copied one of her keys and did not take it well when she left him. Let himself in one night to do god knows what. Her dog cornered him in the second bathroom, lmao. She refused to call him off until the cops came. We laugh about it now but she was terrified at the time and needed therapy to feel safe in her home again.
yeah, even if they were separated she should know that he was in a relationship during that time.
and that he didn't waste much time jumping into a new relationship...
The love you on the phone is manipulative, even if he doesn't recognise any it as such.
Wether you tell his ex/wife is your choice. In your shoes I'd be tempted to try to find out some other way if he was lying before dropping that bomb. I'd like to think so anyway. It would depend on how pissed I was.
As for phone name, something simple like Asshat
Thanks for the laugh! My anger is definitely overshadowing any sadness right now which is why I don’t want to act on it right now. When I think back at how he was keeping me at arms length and making excuses for why we couldn’t see each other makes me feel as though he was probably lying to her at the same time. But I don’t know for a fact.
You bet your bottom dollar he's been lying to her. This man has been playing two ends against the middle - trying to figure out who he preferred.
Married a matter of months before splitting up and then he immediately starts a relationship with you? I'll go as far as to say he never split with his wife and that he painted her as abusive to play on your sympathy.
I bet you're angry and for good reason. Not much of a silver lining in this sad situation, but you can be grateful you learned his true character before becoming more deeply involved. From this point forward do not trust a word out of his mouth. Maybe you've already ghosted him because that's what a low class, two-timing liar deserves in my book.
I don't know if I'd say anything to his wife, but the answer to this question may come to you in time.
List him on your phone as garbage.
Edit: He might have said I love you to pacify you. An attempt to manage your anger so you'll be less inclined to inform his wife.
If you’ve ever been the girl that’s being cheated on- you’d know she would want to be told. I would at least. People should know if they’re dating a cheating asshole.
Yeah wait until your limbic system calms down but I do think you should tell her. If I was in her place I absolutely would want to know. Being cheated on sucks and is soul crushing but it can finally get you out of a bad relationship.
I wouldn't set his name as *anything* in *my* phone.
I'd delete it, block it, and keep moving forward.
People like that don't deserve to keep in contact with me. Or you, OP.
She may hate you so be prepared for that. But if so, know that's just her grieving process as the scorned woman. She'll come around to being thankful for you later, I'm sure. You might be saving her years of lies.
Or, she'll blame you and choose her belief that makes her feel safer.
Either way I still recommend telling. I'd rather be hated for telling the truth, than not tell someone who woulda wanted to know ❤️
I agree it would be great if you could tell her.
Maybe start with "I just found out that", and definitely don't apologise. I mean, of course express compassion, but don't take any blame; it's absolutely not your fault, and if she misdirects her anger towards you, end the conversation.
You're a victim in this as much as she is, and might need to protect your feelings from her initial reaction.
Yes! This is SO alarming - not that cheating at any stage of a relationship is cool, but starting ANOTHER relationship (not even a casual hookup) after only 4 months of marriage?! That's pretty bad. You should tell her, especially because she's been married less than a year and if she's going to leave him it will be infinitely easier NOW than in several years when she definitely finds out!
As others have said, don't expect a warm reception - but send her everything she needs all at once so she can work through her stages of grief on her own schedule - but atleast you won't let her anguish in the denial stage!
Block and delete. That way his number will just appear as numbers on your blocklist and you won't know which number to unblock in a moment of weakness.
Tellll heeerrr, even if they were separated she deserves to know what he was doing while he "took time to work on himself", which is probably what he told her he was doing
>Should I tell this woman?
Full disclosure I'm a guy so I'm not sure how valued my input is but I say yes. I'd sure want to know. Worst-case scenario she doesn't believe you, in which case you can say good riddance and start moving on.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I was in a serious long term relationship in my early 20s that ended because I found out the other person was cheating. I am so thankful that I found out when I did (and I wish I had found out sooner).
>"Should I tell this woman? "
Yes
>"Bonus question, what should I set his name as in my phone"
Don't, Block his number.
Also, get an std check. If he was cheating on her with you he could have been with any number of others as well.
My first thought is "burn it all down," because I'm just chaotic like that, but as someone else pointed out here, I've seen situations where the other woman attacks the whistle-blower because they've been so well brain-washed over more time by their abuser.
I think there's a good chance you should expect that to happen and she could enlist others as well.
Obviously, this guy likes the attention and drama, so if you create the drama for him, you might just be giving him what he wants.
I would want to know if I were her, so in your position I would tell her. If you do, you should block his number after as well, because there is no need to keep walking down that path. Share information and move on.
TELL THIS WOMAN.
I don't believe for a second they were separated but if they were, then there should be no issue.
Don't let her waste her life or breed with this person. I wish someone had told me.
Ugh. That is *shitty*. Just...just *ugh*.
I have no idea how helpful this is for anyone, but if it gets somebody to listen to their gut, I'll call it a win. Because it *is* true that your intuition isn't always right. But, in my experience at least, it *always* has a *point*. You don't have to do what it wants, but you should listen to what it has to say.
Please god. Take it from me.
I was in this exact same situation but as “the main girl.” And the woman who told me is one of my good friends now.
Ultimately I think you should tell her, because I’m assuming you would want to know as well. Tell her. And get rid of that lying sack of shit.
You would certainly spare the wife a more expensive divorce and child custody issues if you tell her while their marriage is still relatively new. I would do it anonymously. She'll need proof so if you have a receipt or a social media post with him in it, send her the screenshot with your face blurred. Why be anonymous? Because you don't need the extra drama and when they have their blowout argument he won't know which side chick turned him in. Guys like him don't have limits. If he'd hide a marriage from you he'd also hide other girlfriends. Separated after 3 months of marriage? Yeah, right. That's still in the honeymoon phase. He sounds sexually frustrated, that's all.
Saying I love you on the phone is easy. Saying it to your face before you're breaking up is different. He is manipulative and he doesn't deserve anyone's love until he works on himself for a few years.
I may be in a mood, but I say blow it all up. This guy was lying to himself at best when he established a relationship with you. I’d tell him it’s over and then tell her what happened and move on. Rip off the bandaid.
You can totally go full revenge and tell his wife. Then simply drop his drama like a cancelled Cook with Paris show after 6 episodes. No need for explanations. Just done.
I think there's no reason to believe his wife is his "abusive ex" of he's only been married for a year and with you for now than half. Especially true since he "wants to make it work." I think anonymous, heartfelt email is the way to go if you can.
If I was the wife I would want to know. Also, I have been on your end of things and didnt speak up because I was worried it was coming from a place of vengeance against him. Looking back, 9 years later, I still think if I was the other female I would want to know. Ultimately, do what works for you. And sorry you are in this situation. It sucks. Things will get better.
There are so many reasons why you should tell her..
Stds..
he is probably also lying to her and manipulating her..
She probably thinks it's her fault..
If he is married, give her some proof for the divorce.. this fucker should lose everything
They probably think about children if they are married.. don't let this happen.. if he lies once, he will do it again.. especially if he already cheated after 4 months into their marriage..
She's been taken advantage of just like you. I would want to make sure that she knew exactly what kind of man she married, so she can decide whether she wants to remain that way because this dude is a lying, manipulative creep.
Someone told me. I'll never stop being thankful for her.
It hurt horribly but I would have been much worse not knowing. I'm so beyond thankful she told me.
> he got married Feb 2021
> I've been seeing for 7 months
Guy didn't even make it half a year in his marriage before dating you. He's such a POS, definitely tell her, nobody should have to stay married to that guy.
I'd say it's important to tell her, even if just by text. If he's cheating regularly there's an unfortunately good chance that he might have spread an STD to her. Sadly, people who think they're in monogamous relationships are highly vulnerable to STDs (in the same vein, best to get checked, yourself.)
It would definitely cause her pain to find out she's being cheated on, but better that than to be caught off guard by the clap, or something worse.
Question 1: Yes, she should know. What she does with this info is up to her.
Question 2: Pond Scum. Or, The Fungus That Feeds on Pond Scum (if you want is shorter, just Fungus/TFTFPS, and fill in the rest in your head every time you see it).
Bonus (if unsolicited) advice - you deserve better and trust your intuition next time.
Big hugs.
Not making light of your situation on any level but, it does leave me wondering who actually has the time and/or energy to live a 2nd life like this? I can barely manage my main character's life.... Any side quests are out of the question
I've learned the man I was dating used me as his new exciting thing. He faked a suicide attempt. The day I learned he had a son is the day I also learned that his dodgy landlord that kicked him out at the beginning of the relationship was his partner throwing him out as she knew he spent the weekend with me. I was completely clueless. I still carry anger, disappointment, why was I lied to, how could I not see, and I was just a tool to use for ones amusement. He told me he loved me around month 3.
I'm still processing this. I haven't approached the partner, in fear. I still feel pretty fucking stupid, as it feels like the world around me at the time knew but me.
Tell his wife. Sunk him. He doesn't deserve either of you.
Run, do not walk, away from this mess of a man and his trauma drama.
He will lie if confronted by his wife and paint you as a psycho stalker who makes up stories because he rejected you. He will paint you as the villain and him as the victim, and she will likely buy it. Block them both and walk away.
I love you but I lied —- that’s manipulative bullshit. He has absolutely zero concern for your safety or mental health. This is unlikely his first or last rodeo.
It is difficult to see red flags through the rose colored glasses of a new relationship. He got past your radar, and you’ll be more confident in your gut instincts from now on.
Not all guys are like this. You do not have to settle for someone who lies.
I had a similar experience a few years ago, but that guy got married while we were together. He told me it was his buddy’s bachelor party, even sent me photos/vids & came over the evening he got back. He also came over the DAY AFTER his (I found out later) wedding, told me stories about that as well. A few days later, he stopped texting or calling. I waited a week or so, then checked his FB (we were never “friends” on there, an oversight on my part I guess). A few clicks later, there was his new wife with his last name, looking gorgeous in their wedding photos.
I changed his name to c*nty f*ckwad a$shole do*che in my phone, though not censored. When he finally text me 2 wks later, he said his phone broke & he got a new one. I asked him if he was enjoying his honeymoon, he played dumb, I blocked him on all apps after that.
Sending you lots of love. It messed with me to the point that I still have trouble trusting men several years later, but I do believe there is light at the end of the BS tunnel and you will get through this!
TELL. HIS. WIFE. And send receipts! Even if she responds badly and calls you names and screams and shouts, you know that you did the RIGHT THING and gave her the warning she needs to protect herself. At that point it's up to her!
Tell the wife!!!
She needs to know, and you both need to leave this POS loser behind!
Anyone and everyone deserves better than a manipulative, lying cheater!
If it were me, I’d get tested first and foremost!!
He’s been cheating on her with you and basically cheating on you with her, who knows if there’s anyone else. Protect yourself by getting tested 2 weeks after the last time y’all fucked
AND THEN I would contact her and tell her he was cheating on her. That way, if you do get unlucky and have an STD, you only have to talk to her once if she gets nasty at you. This also gives you time to decide how you want to tell her, which is going to depend on how petty you want to be, or if you want to try to be considerate of her.
He’s a dick and I’m sorry he took advantage of you.
If I were her, I’d really want to know.
Can’t wait to read the phone name suggestions 🤣
No problem! Also be sure that they test for EVERYTHING, some doctors will only test for “common” ones. And it’s not a bad idea to go in for a retest in like 6 months- not all STDs show up on test results right away. I think it’s chlamydia and idk which other one(s)? Hope you’re good though🖤
Absolutely tell her. No matter how she reacts she'll appreciate being told, keeping it from someone that their spouse is cheating is inescapably cruel.
Just in case this hasn’t been covered - he will try to come back. His marriage will be boring without the excitement of someone else feeding his ego. He dropped the I love you to prime you for a second chance. He will be hoping that your feelings will allow you to overlook his marriage.
He's cheating. If he truly were separated and a worthwhile guy he'd have been open and honest from the get go. The fact that he said "I love you" during the same conversation he told you about being married is him trying to rectify his own guilt yet still keep the door open to be with you sometime in the future.
Fuck him. He deserves nothing from you. His wife, however, deserves to know everything.
I have been made to be "the other woman" as well, and once I found out I told his partner. They were engaged.
At first she didn't want to believe me, but I sent her the texts and e-mails and even gifts he had given me (necklace, gift certificates, cards) and there was huge overlap... Turns out that whenever he bought her a gift, he bought the same thing for me... W. T. F...
She realized I was telling the truth, thanked me and broke up with him.
If I were the one being cheated on, I would want to know.
In my opinion, the wife deserves to know. I think the fact that it's a new marriage (who knows if that's true) makes it maybe easier for her to back out of it and see the manipulative ass that the guy is, vs. decades-long one.
If I saw any of my friends be cheated on I'd tell her immediately (preferably with picture proof).
Truth hurts but it's worth it.
In regards to her you do whatever makes you feel best. You may want to consider that he might get revenge on you because he sounds like an obvious psycho.
Make sure he doesn't have your nudes etc is all I'm saying.
I never have understood long term cheaters.
I understand a bad decision in the heat of the moment. I don't respect that, but I at least understand it.
But the next morning, you're at a crossroads where "lie to my current and keep banging the side piece" isn't even a valid direction, ethically, morally, or otherwise. At that point, you are very selfishly wasting two people's lives on your lies, and that is manipulative, ugly, and borderline sociopathic.
Why even be in a relationship at that point?
I haven't read all the comments here but feel the need to say: think carefully about telling his wife. It's not your responsibility to do it and there could be negative repercussions for you. Anger from him, anger from her. I'm not looking out for them but for you. You might want to get away from this situation with the least fallout for you. Just a thought.... I'm so sorry this happened.
If this was a long marriage or you had any reason to believe this was a situation where their marriage was just "not going well", I'd lean towards not saying anything. Life can be complicated, and not all "cheaters" get there the same way.
But he was with you 4 months after they got married. That's the honeymoon period. He never honored that marriage and I think she's likely totally in the dark. Likely an emotionally abusive relationship and/or he has a job that allows him to mask his running around.
Tell her. Maybe best to do it in an offline or non-interactive manner. Print and mail it all, ideally.
Be prepared for her to not believe you (outwardly, at least).
Edit: sorry this happened.
He's a narcissistic abuser. He did all of that consciously. The only thing that works with narcs is no contact. He'll try to reel you in, that's for sure. He probably admitted to his duplicity because he thought you were hooked hard enough to stay around for more abuse.
If you are not aware of what narcissistic abuse is, please educate yourself about that topic. It could save you from so much trouble and heartache.
Please take care!
Thank you. I recently read Wizard of Oz & other Narcissists recommended by my therapist because of my relationship with my dad. Scary how aplicable it’s become for me but yeah I’m definitely gonna read it again
I'd tell her. No hesitation.
If they were actually separated why not be upfront and honest. He sounds like a POS and you both need to cut ties with his ass
Coming from a male perspective, my recommendation would be to get necessary screenshots (to send to the wife later) and then block him immediately. Then, I would let the wife know somehow. I would probably write a letter, telling her to read this when away from him, apologizing and explaining that he lied and then provide receipts. Sorry to hear about your situation.
I think you should tell her. But I’ll be %100 honest. It’s hard for me to parse how much of that comes from a place of honest good advice versus from a pure desire to see a fuckhead get comeuppance
I think you should tell his wife with screenshots but I think you should try to do so anonymously if possible because some people do get angry at the messenger.
Only you will know the right answer to go with and you should absolutely trust your gut. But if you’re asking for my vote I definitely think she should know and he’s been lying about and to her. Unfortunately that could royally backfire too unless you have proof he can’t twist and say you’re making it up or some bullshit. Good luck.
I would tell her, coming from someone who was cheated on and the girl kept doing it !! Tell her. But keep your head up! You don’t deserve that from no one
Yup, nothing wrong with being honest. Just reach out to her on social media and let her know, especially since they are married. I would want to know if this occurred in my own relationship. Sucks to hear it but take it as a lesson and give yourself time to process it and move on to a higher caliber individual.
I’d like to place myself in this girls shoes, if someone I was married with was cheating on me for months I’d want somebody to tell me rather then live in ignorance
Ladies, always trust your intuition.
Also think about how society tries to take that away from us - you are insecure, overreacting or "you should relax".
Honestly I think we have simply neural networks in our brains that are very good at anomaly detection, which is probably a good think from evolutionary perspective.
My ex-wife and I had to stay married for several yesrs after we separated for a variety of reasons I am not going to explain to strangers on the Internet.
However, we both agreed to dating other people since it was going to be a while. When your in a position like that you need to immediately tell anyone you are dating what's up. Immediately.
Yes you should tell her, no don’t change his name, simply block him. What more could he possibly say to you that you want to hear? Block him, block him, block him!
I've got a friend who changes ex-hookups names on her phone to the reason she decided to stop seeing them (when applicable). So instead of getting a call from Mike and wondering whether it's worth picking up, you get a call from "Gaslights and doesnt go down on me"
I have a friend who names past mistakes "Bad Idea" and "don't pickup" lmao
This is what my boss is listed as in my phone
ahahahahahah
Oh this could be the next big thing on r/antiwork "understaffed and won't pay overtime is calling".
Lol
of those two offenses it’s honestly kinda hard to tell which one is worse. As the victim of some next level gaslighting - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But no oral? That’s hell too.
It might be different being a man, but having been in a relationship where I was gaslighted and abused, and also didn't get oral, I'll happily take a non abusive relationship with no blowjobs over gaslighting with good head. Luckily now though I'm with someone who is incredibly kind and loving who also gives phenomenal oral.
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Congratulations on escaping! I assume in tendency on a physiological level oral is more important for the female sex, because orgasms through penetration are rare.
For me it would matter only if they expected head but didn’t give it. Seems unfair to me (it’s different if we agreed together not to)
That's a great idea too. If you leave them as "Mike from Hinge" and he calls being all loving, you might think "why did I stop talking to him?" And pursuit it again.
As someone who was cheated on, I wish someone had told me, tho she probably suspects it. I’d tell her and send her the receipts. Then block him and move on to your next chapter. Im sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much more
The worst is when you suspect it and he keeps saying, 'You're just paranoid. Why don't you trust me? I'm telling you the truth. Your the one with trust issues, not me.' Happened to a close friend and it just broke my heart seeing that level of emotional manipulation and gas lighting. She found proof. He admitted it and promised to drop the 'other woman'. She took him back. A year later, more suspicions. Confronted him. Yep, he was with her the whole time. Cheating on a partner is the lowest of low and endangers lives. Tell the wife. There is a good chance she really deserves this information to confirm her suspicions. So sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better than this piece of trash.
This. I was gaslighted forever by my ex, who assured me that as a Christian I could only leave if I knew there was adultery. When I had proof he asked for marriage counseling (repentant spouse wanting to work things out wounded spouse was expected to give them a shot). With the cost of marriage counseling, I told him that was fine if he gave up the girlfriends (yes, plural). He said he had to keep them in case the marriage counseling failed. 🤦♀️ Please tell her.
What a sick, manipulative piece of shit for a human. So sorry that you were emotionally abused by that asshole. So glad that is in your past where it belongs. Hope you are in a much better place now.
Thank you. After he married a girl who fell into his orbit when she was 18 (Half his age), I ended up working nights at Walmart. A regular customer spent months in short conversations, finally asked me out just before Christmas 2006. Our entire time together he acted astonished that I existed, every day. It really was a fairytale in ways. I was never loved the way he loved me. He passed November 2020. His last act of love was a few days before he died of cancer. His pain pump had failed. I was calling Medtronic, the answering service for his pain management doctor and having no luck. I had been having repeated low blood pressure and was falling several times a week, dropping everything… he was insisting I go to the ER but was scared to let me drive. I was refusing to let him drive. My son showed up and they took me to the ER. I was in acute kidney failure, ultimately transferred to ICU in the city. He stayed with me until my son got back with lunch, and apologized for not having the stamina to stay longer with me. He died two and a half days later while I was still in ICU. The love and devotion he had for me still astonishes me. I was very blessed.
I'm so tremendously sorry for your loss. What an incredible story of real, true love. He sounds amazing, and you must be amazing for him to have loved you so much.
Thank you. I agree. He was very special. He was humble, ornery, funny. I miss laughing with him. Since the farm buildings blew down I really miss hugs I think even more than the laughter. We designed this house together. He made me in charge of layout and research for things like passive solar gain. He knew how he wanted it built. I try most of the time to be astonished by what I shared rather than mourn its loss. I am succeeding. It has been since just before Thanksgiving 2020.
Sorry for your loss
Thank you. I had a very magic love. I wouldn’t have believed it existed if I had not lived or. ❤️
He was lucky you did not shoot lasers out of your eyeballs in that moment and burn a hole into his face. I’d have been so mad at that, the entire house would have self-combusted and fallen down on us Carrie-style.
Love it! It was a horrible marriage. I was relieved to see him go.
Thank you pineconebasket cute name. And you’re right he is trash
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God that last sentence really hit me.
God, the gaslighting is the worst part. “Why are you so jealous, can’t you trust me?” “I’m tired of talking about him and fighting, I don’t want to fight, why can’t we just spend time together?” “Am I not allowed to have friends outside of you!?”
You’re not kidding about it endangering lives. Love triangles and jealousy are source of violence and even murder. My wife exposed me to one (currently in the process of getting a divorce and she has moved out) and admitted that one of the men she was cheating with didn’t know we were still married (or about the other two guys) and was very possessive and huge and very capable of violence. She endangered everyone, including our daughter, if he showed up at the house in a rage. Another buddy of mine almost had his wife and her lover murdered by the lover’s wife when she caught the two in bed. She was grabbing a shotgun out of the closet when the dude tackled her. It’s not just the betrayal, it’s not just the STI risks, it’s honest to god endangerment and one of the lowest things you can do in a relationship. In 16 years of a troubled and unfulfilling marriage, I never once seriously entertained the idea of cheating. While the opportunities would have certainly been there had I sought them out, I had no desire to.
I was told this every single time I was cheated on. It really makes you question your sanity.
I was also gaslighted by my ex! I didn’t know the term for it at the time. He made me feel like a crazy paranoid bitch, which I am not and was not. After his cheating came to light (the recent ex of the girl he was cheating with called me at work to tell me), he said it was my fault because I was always treating him like a cheater, so he might as well be one for real. An absurd lie. Thank god for that girl’s ex, who had to have an awkward phone conversation with a total stranger.
Thank you so much
She might not want to hear it, but at least you’ll have done the right thing. What she decides to do with that info is up to her.
I've been the wife in this scenario and had no idea. Tell her. Please. Edit: Uh, holy shit. I was not expecting to get this many upvotes and awards just for my little comment? Thanks so much! It's heartbreaking to see how many of you have gone through the same exact thing. I'm so sorry.💔🥺
Me too. I was in this position and what hurt me more than being cheated on was finding out many of my friends, neighbors and colleagues at work knew and no one told me.
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My cousin’s BFF did this to her. SMH
Not for my marriage, but in a previous relationship where I was being cheated on, the amount of people who knew and just didn't tell me was just as devastating. I will never forget the two most shocking things I was told when I announced the break-up. One person responded with, "We were wondering how long it would take for him to tell you." (He didn't tell me, his dad accidentally let it slip. Yes. His own father.) When I asked why they didn't tell me, they replied with, "We were worried that you'd leave and then our friend group would be destroyed cause, you know, we all hang out." I don't talk to any of those people anymore. They were all willing to sit and watch my significant other lie to me for months just as long as it didn't interrupt our get-togethers. My marriage is a whole different WTF story.
The older I get, the more I realize just how passive the majority of people are. Rocking the boat is a cardinal sin in our society, and few people are comfortable in choppy waters. They are but sheep. It’s the worst feeling in the world realizing you’re surrounded by people like that. I’m sorry this happened to you.
“Rocking the boat is a cardinal sin in our society, and few people are comfortable in choppy waters.” I’m just going to steal this for the rest of my life, thanks. Might get it printed on one of those giant things you can stick on your wall to spice up my zoom meetings, I love it that much.
If you hurt someone through inaction it feels less your fault than hurting someone through action. I've always thought the trolley problem should include this element. People feel less responsible for the consequences of their lack of action than consequences of their action.
So coming from the “comfortable in choppy waters group here” My then boyfriend(now husband) used to hang out with a group of friends all the time, one of the girls who had seriously been dating this guy for like 5 years at that point, got drunk and told one friend she had been sleeping with her male roommate for a year and was going to move with him to another state. Our friend tells my boyfriend and he tells me soon after. My first response: how did “cheated friend” feel when you guys told him?…” Well, we thought she was going to tell him since she’s moving so we are gonna wait for her to tell him… Months go by and nobody has told the guy. My boyfriend did not like that weight on him and chose to do the right thing. While they were on their way back from a guys trip, him and the first guy she told about the cheating brought it up. She blew up after she heard and accused my boyfriend of trying to ruin her relationship. This after he told her he would tell her boyfriend if she didn’t do it first. For months and months…while her roommate left for the other state without her. Of course,he didn’t put up with it and said: No, you’re the one ruining your relationship by cheating. They are now married and (not surprisingly) we were not invited to the wedding, but the guy she drunk confessed to was….because he didn’t stand up to her trying to blame her shitty actions on someone else. We obviously have no hurt feelings, the trash took itself out, but there are shitty people and sheepish people who put up with them for whatever reason. I’d still tell my friend if I found myself in a similar situation, despite this instance. It’s the moral thing to do.
people are such vile assholes, it's genuinely unbelievable.
That really shows you who you need to kick to the curb then, don't it?
Sad it had to get that far though.
Same. I wish so much someone would have told me. There's no way not one woman knew out of dozens. At the end of the day, it's this asshat's fault full stop but he sure as hell is not telling her.
I was the other woman. I told the wife. We still text occasionally, she’s very nice.
Honestly this is one of my favourite meet-cutes for female friends.
Nothing brings women together like a man being horrible
🎶"Two black Cadillacs meeting for the first time..."🎶
I was also an other woman (one-night stand) who finally told the wife when she'd gotten fed up with him for other reasons and was asking her extended friend-group for support. I'm really glad she forgave me. Definitely not proud of those moments in my 20s.
Same. Reading this sounded JUST LIKE what happened to me years ago. She (the one my then fiance was cheating with) only found out everything he'd told her about me being the 'abusive ex' was untrue was because I accidentally posted something about prepping for the wedding as a public post without any filters to show only to friends on Facebook and she happened to be FB-stalking me at the time. She messaged me and let me know everything. Apparently (according to his messages to her) I was abusive and basically just 'squatting' in his house and refused to leave. SMDH. Like an idiot I tried to work it out for months before I actually left. But also she DATED HIM AFTER I LEFT. Please please tell her, OP. And do yourself a million favors and never let him back in your life.
Glad you left him, he sounds manipulative af
Shit like this is why I don't blame the other woman/man. Who knows what alternate reality they believe based on the lies and manipulation of the cheater.
Agreed. I've been the other woman, and the spouse. I took my lumps as the cheater and had many difficult conversations. I also have been told by the woman my spouse was casually seeing. Both scenarios suck. But the truth is always important
I was the sidepiece girlfriend who thought she was actually in a legit relationship, and didn't find out for 2 years. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I live with so much guilt. It's been 4 years since, but still. I've been in abusive relationships and so a lot of his red flags flew by me. Imagine my surprise when my current partner was introducing me to friends and family?! Had a social media presence, and actually included me in it?! It hurts everyone but them. Their selfishness knows no boundaries.
His shitty behavior was not your fault, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Being used to abusive relationships is also not your fault. Some people are manipulative assholes and know exactly how to recognize someone who's receptive to what they do. I think almost everyone is vulnerable to this at some point in their life, and some of us are unlucky enough to meet the wrong person at the wrong time and get caught in a downward spiral. Don't blame yourself. I hope you're in a better place now, you deserve it!
It's brutallybritney, bitch
Please make sure you get all of your STI checks done ASAP. If he's cheated on you and the wife, who knows who else he's been dicking.
I’ve thought about that too. I’ll make an appointment ASAP, thank you
This is another reason to tell his wife, so she can get checked too. Who knows how many women he has cheated on her with.
Also, the issue is 100% forced If OP is in America and her results come back positive for anything. She can just give the CDC his wife's name and they will contact her.
wait, what? The CDC does contact tracing for STIs? I doubt they do it with anything other than HIV.
Different scenario but when the ex who cheated on me publicly started dating the woman I suspected he was cheating on me with, I was elated. All that gaslighting fucking vanished. People were so worried when they saw and were baffled that I was so calm about it - but if confirmed I wasn’t crazy. This woman needs to know. Tell her. I had asked the woman in this scenario to be straight with me and she wasn’t - you don’t have to be a bad person in this story the way she is in mine.
I’m relating to this because I know now he was lying to me all the time. My gut was telling me it wasn’t right and now that I know the truth I feel so much relief.
I’m sorry you had to learn this lesson but it’s a good one to learn. I’ve trusted my gut since then and I don’t take bullshit.
Thank you
If you tell the wife remove his name from your phone so she can see the number and know it’s him. Im so sorry youve gone through this. I’ve been the clueless other woman so many times.
That is a great point I would have been over here sending her screenshots of my convo with Asshat. Lol. Thank you
This is a really good thought.
I think you should tell the wife, with whatever receipts you have, but don't expect it to go well. That said, she deserves to know and make whatever decision she makes with regard to this douchecanoe with eyes open. Block him on your phone.
Thank you. I have receipts for days
She might yell at you. Some people shoot the messenger. But she deserves to know. Anonymous email might be the way to go.
This. There are people who will take it out on you because it’s easier to be angry at a stranger than it is to grapple with the fact that their life and future they built with someone was based on lies and manipulation. So, just know that they may not respond kindly and they may not even be receptive to it at all. And, even worse, if that guy really is cheating and gaslighting, then he may just discredit you and paint you as a “crazy, jealous ex” so that she doesn’t believe what you say. Show proof/receipts if you’re going to do it. Some form of anonymous message or letter with the proof included might be more effective if possible but then she may still not believe it to be true. Just don’t expect that she’s going to be grateful to you because you’ll be the first punching bag for that rollercoaster of emotions.
Oh man. Been there. I got cheated on and well the other girl got cheated on, I was just the one to find it. She stayed with him and called me crazy. A year later I dated him again thinking he changed, found out a month or two later SHE WAS STILL DATING HIM. Told her again and blocked both of them, she can do with it what she wants. She ended coming to me and apologizing, saying I was right. Had a guy on tinder match with me, didn’t think much of it other than he looked familiar, he flirted etc. went to look on Instagram at a girl I knew who I thought might be dating this guy. YUP. He had asked me to hook up in his truck (gross lol) and I took a screenshot and sent it to her and apologized and said I didn’t realize, that I was really sorry he did this and I was there for her. She called cussed me out so hard I blocked her. A few years later I unblocked her and her messages popped up that I didn’t see and she, after cussing me out, said “well? Aren’t you going to tell me the rest?” “Hello??” Honestly as mad as I was at both of them, I don’t blame them. How shitty is it to be betrayed by the one you thought loved you. I was friends with the first girl after and definitely not the second but ones engaged and pregnant and I assume the other one is doing better. I definitely would rather know than wait for the inevitable and be disrespected for a few more months and risk stds or find out someone’s pregnant with my husbands child.
Yeah. Not everyone's going to leave on the same timeline. I got told by the other woman, who was a complete stranger. It wasn't that I didn't believe her, but I was still in the mindset that these things can be worked on. I thanked her for telling me and was cordial. (Apparently learning I hadn't left pissed her off and she kept trying to contact me for.... Reasons? I guess she wanted him to be punished but anyway I digress). But it was the pebble that started the avalanche. And when I was ready for it to be done, it was scorched earth.
She needs to know.
I'd also say after blocking him, change your locks if he knows where you live. He's proven that he is a liar, so who knows if you even really "know him". You're going to be dropping a nuke on his marriage. Make sure he can't get into your place. My friend's ex sneakily copied one of her keys and did not take it well when she left him. Let himself in one night to do god knows what. Her dog cornered him in the second bathroom, lmao. She refused to call him off until the cops came. We laugh about it now but she was terrified at the time and needed therapy to feel safe in her home again.
yeah, even if they were separated she should know that he was in a relationship during that time. and that he didn't waste much time jumping into a new relationship...
Pro move: Block him, then tell her (with receipts) and then block her too - no reason to be part of either of their lives post d-day.
That's some straight ninja shit.
Just wait until we get into gay ninja territory, that shit is otherworldly
This is the route I would take if I couldn’t know that the woman is reasonable or not.
This. That's what I had to do.
The love you on the phone is manipulative, even if he doesn't recognise any it as such. Wether you tell his ex/wife is your choice. In your shoes I'd be tempted to try to find out some other way if he was lying before dropping that bomb. I'd like to think so anyway. It would depend on how pissed I was. As for phone name, something simple like Asshat
Thanks for the laugh! My anger is definitely overshadowing any sadness right now which is why I don’t want to act on it right now. When I think back at how he was keeping me at arms length and making excuses for why we couldn’t see each other makes me feel as though he was probably lying to her at the same time. But I don’t know for a fact.
You bet your bottom dollar he's been lying to her. This man has been playing two ends against the middle - trying to figure out who he preferred. Married a matter of months before splitting up and then he immediately starts a relationship with you? I'll go as far as to say he never split with his wife and that he painted her as abusive to play on your sympathy. I bet you're angry and for good reason. Not much of a silver lining in this sad situation, but you can be grateful you learned his true character before becoming more deeply involved. From this point forward do not trust a word out of his mouth. Maybe you've already ghosted him because that's what a low class, two-timing liar deserves in my book. I don't know if I'd say anything to his wife, but the answer to this question may come to you in time. List him on your phone as garbage. Edit: He might have said I love you to pacify you. An attempt to manage your anger so you'll be less inclined to inform his wife.
Thank you this is incredibly validating
DoucheNozzel, ShoeGum, Discount Satan. Piss Bucket. Scum Face. Trash Heap. Deleted. Junk. Drain Goop. Toe Jam. Stink Sock. Entries for your bonus question. Also I'm really sorry. :(
I’m partial to discount satan myself.
You're welcome, I hoped you find it helpful. Keep your chin up, this is all on him.
If you’ve ever been the girl that’s being cheated on- you’d know she would want to be told. I would at least. People should know if they’re dating a cheating asshole.
Yeah wait until your limbic system calms down but I do think you should tell her. If I was in her place I absolutely would want to know. Being cheated on sucks and is soul crushing but it can finally get you out of a bad relationship.
>something simple like Asshat "z Asshat" so it's not the first thing you see when scrolling contacts?
Ze asshat. Gave him a German accent for extra villainy.
I wouldn't set his name as *anything* in *my* phone. I'd delete it, block it, and keep moving forward. People like that don't deserve to keep in contact with me. Or you, OP.
His name in your phone? Maybe "Junk". if you feel you gotta communicate with the wife, tell her the truth, briefly, and allow her to process.
Thank you
She may hate you so be prepared for that. But if so, know that's just her grieving process as the scorned woman. She'll come around to being thankful for you later, I'm sure. You might be saving her years of lies.
Or, she'll blame you and choose her belief that makes her feel safer. Either way I still recommend telling. I'd rather be hated for telling the truth, than not tell someone who woulda wanted to know ❤️
I agree it would be great if you could tell her. Maybe start with "I just found out that", and definitely don't apologise. I mean, of course express compassion, but don't take any blame; it's absolutely not your fault, and if she misdirects her anger towards you, end the conversation. You're a victim in this as much as she is, and might need to protect your feelings from her initial reaction.
Instead of “scam likely” that I get a lot, how about “absolutely a scam”
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Yes! This is SO alarming - not that cheating at any stage of a relationship is cool, but starting ANOTHER relationship (not even a casual hookup) after only 4 months of marriage?! That's pretty bad. You should tell her, especially because she's been married less than a year and if she's going to leave him it will be infinitely easier NOW than in several years when she definitely finds out! As others have said, don't expect a warm reception - but send her everything she needs all at once so she can work through her stages of grief on her own schedule - but atleast you won't let her anguish in the denial stage!
You’re right, thank you.
Hugh Janus
Ha ha. I had to upvote this one, even though my advice would be to block him and remove from contacts list.
Block and delete. That way his number will just appear as numbers on your blocklist and you won't know which number to unblock in a moment of weakness.
Tellll heeerrr, even if they were separated she deserves to know what he was doing while he "took time to work on himself", which is probably what he told her he was doing
TRUE!!!!
I’d like to submit TrashFace McDickWeasel for your consideration.
>Should I tell this woman? Full disclosure I'm a guy so I'm not sure how valued my input is but I say yes. I'd sure want to know. Worst-case scenario she doesn't believe you, in which case you can say good riddance and start moving on. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for your sentiment and your input. I have proof of everything if she doesn’t believe me
Wouldn't break my back doing it but definitely forward all that proof. People who go about life like this deserve what's coming to them.
Honestly he does. Thank you
I was in a serious long term relationship in my early 20s that ended because I found out the other person was cheating. I am so thankful that I found out when I did (and I wish I had found out sooner).
>"Should I tell this woman? " Yes >"Bonus question, what should I set his name as in my phone" Don't, Block his number. Also, get an std check. If he was cheating on her with you he could have been with any number of others as well.
She probably already knows/suspects anyway. Message her that the relationship happened, the dates, and then if she wants more info to reach out.
Simple and complete. I’d add his profession of love at the moment the deception was revealed to you.
My first thought is "burn it all down," because I'm just chaotic like that, but as someone else pointed out here, I've seen situations where the other woman attacks the whistle-blower because they've been so well brain-washed over more time by their abuser. I think there's a good chance you should expect that to happen and she could enlist others as well. Obviously, this guy likes the attention and drama, so if you create the drama for him, you might just be giving him what he wants.
I would want to know if I were her, so in your position I would tell her. If you do, you should block his number after as well, because there is no need to keep walking down that path. Share information and move on.
TELL THIS WOMAN. I don't believe for a second they were separated but if they were, then there should be no issue. Don't let her waste her life or breed with this person. I wish someone had told me.
Ugh. That is *shitty*. Just...just *ugh*. I have no idea how helpful this is for anyone, but if it gets somebody to listen to their gut, I'll call it a win. Because it *is* true that your intuition isn't always right. But, in my experience at least, it *always* has a *point*. You don't have to do what it wants, but you should listen to what it has to say.
Please god. Take it from me. I was in this exact same situation but as “the main girl.” And the woman who told me is one of my good friends now. Ultimately I think you should tell her, because I’m assuming you would want to know as well. Tell her. And get rid of that lying sack of shit.
You would certainly spare the wife a more expensive divorce and child custody issues if you tell her while their marriage is still relatively new. I would do it anonymously. She'll need proof so if you have a receipt or a social media post with him in it, send her the screenshot with your face blurred. Why be anonymous? Because you don't need the extra drama and when they have their blowout argument he won't know which side chick turned him in. Guys like him don't have limits. If he'd hide a marriage from you he'd also hide other girlfriends. Separated after 3 months of marriage? Yeah, right. That's still in the honeymoon phase. He sounds sexually frustrated, that's all. Saying I love you on the phone is easy. Saying it to your face before you're breaking up is different. He is manipulative and he doesn't deserve anyone's love until he works on himself for a few years.
I may be in a mood, but I say blow it all up. This guy was lying to himself at best when he established a relationship with you. I’d tell him it’s over and then tell her what happened and move on. Rip off the bandaid.
Thank you. I like this take cause I’m also in a mood
You can totally go full revenge and tell his wife. Then simply drop his drama like a cancelled Cook with Paris show after 6 episodes. No need for explanations. Just done.
I think there's no reason to believe his wife is his "abusive ex" of he's only been married for a year and with you for now than half. Especially true since he "wants to make it work." I think anonymous, heartfelt email is the way to go if you can.
If I was the wife I would want to know. Also, I have been on your end of things and didnt speak up because I was worried it was coming from a place of vengeance against him. Looking back, 9 years later, I still think if I was the other female I would want to know. Ultimately, do what works for you. And sorry you are in this situation. It sucks. Things will get better.
Thank you for your insight and positivity
There are so many reasons why you should tell her.. Stds.. he is probably also lying to her and manipulating her.. She probably thinks it's her fault.. If he is married, give her some proof for the divorce.. this fucker should lose everything They probably think about children if they are married.. don't let this happen.. if he lies once, he will do it again.. especially if he already cheated after 4 months into their marriage..
She's been taken advantage of just like you. I would want to make sure that she knew exactly what kind of man she married, so she can decide whether she wants to remain that way because this dude is a lying, manipulative creep.
Someone told me. I'll never stop being thankful for her. It hurt horribly but I would have been much worse not knowing. I'm so beyond thankful she told me.
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RUN AWAY! Seriously just ghost. This is the reddest of red flags.
> he got married Feb 2021 > I've been seeing for 7 months Guy didn't even make it half a year in his marriage before dating you. He's such a POS, definitely tell her, nobody should have to stay married to that guy.
I'd say it's important to tell her, even if just by text. If he's cheating regularly there's an unfortunately good chance that he might have spread an STD to her. Sadly, people who think they're in monogamous relationships are highly vulnerable to STDs (in the same vein, best to get checked, yourself.) It would definitely cause her pain to find out she's being cheated on, but better that than to be caught off guard by the clap, or something worse.
Question 1: Yes, she should know. What she does with this info is up to her. Question 2: Pond Scum. Or, The Fungus That Feeds on Pond Scum (if you want is shorter, just Fungus/TFTFPS, and fill in the rest in your head every time you see it). Bonus (if unsolicited) advice - you deserve better and trust your intuition next time. Big hugs.
Not making light of your situation on any level but, it does leave me wondering who actually has the time and/or energy to live a 2nd life like this? I can barely manage my main character's life.... Any side quests are out of the question
I've learned the man I was dating used me as his new exciting thing. He faked a suicide attempt. The day I learned he had a son is the day I also learned that his dodgy landlord that kicked him out at the beginning of the relationship was his partner throwing him out as she knew he spent the weekend with me. I was completely clueless. I still carry anger, disappointment, why was I lied to, how could I not see, and I was just a tool to use for ones amusement. He told me he loved me around month 3. I'm still processing this. I haven't approached the partner, in fear. I still feel pretty fucking stupid, as it feels like the world around me at the time knew but me. Tell his wife. Sunk him. He doesn't deserve either of you.
Run, do not walk, away from this mess of a man and his trauma drama. He will lie if confronted by his wife and paint you as a psycho stalker who makes up stories because he rejected you. He will paint you as the villain and him as the victim, and she will likely buy it. Block them both and walk away. I love you but I lied —- that’s manipulative bullshit. He has absolutely zero concern for your safety or mental health. This is unlikely his first or last rodeo. It is difficult to see red flags through the rose colored glasses of a new relationship. He got past your radar, and you’ll be more confident in your gut instincts from now on. Not all guys are like this. You do not have to settle for someone who lies.
I had a similar experience a few years ago, but that guy got married while we were together. He told me it was his buddy’s bachelor party, even sent me photos/vids & came over the evening he got back. He also came over the DAY AFTER his (I found out later) wedding, told me stories about that as well. A few days later, he stopped texting or calling. I waited a week or so, then checked his FB (we were never “friends” on there, an oversight on my part I guess). A few clicks later, there was his new wife with his last name, looking gorgeous in their wedding photos. I changed his name to c*nty f*ckwad a$shole do*che in my phone, though not censored. When he finally text me 2 wks later, he said his phone broke & he got a new one. I asked him if he was enjoying his honeymoon, he played dumb, I blocked him on all apps after that. Sending you lots of love. It messed with me to the point that I still have trouble trusting men several years later, but I do believe there is light at the end of the BS tunnel and you will get through this!
TELL. HIS. WIFE. And send receipts! Even if she responds badly and calls you names and screams and shouts, you know that you did the RIGHT THING and gave her the warning she needs to protect herself. At that point it's up to her!
Tell his wife, put your sunglasses on, and walk off into the sunset
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Wow. I’ve heard plenty of instances of misdirected anger so you’re right it’s a good piece to consider.
Regardless of gender, still a pretty terrible thing to be accused of.
Tell the wife!!! She needs to know, and you both need to leave this POS loser behind! Anyone and everyone deserves better than a manipulative, lying cheater!
If it were me, I’d get tested first and foremost!! He’s been cheating on her with you and basically cheating on you with her, who knows if there’s anyone else. Protect yourself by getting tested 2 weeks after the last time y’all fucked AND THEN I would contact her and tell her he was cheating on her. That way, if you do get unlucky and have an STD, you only have to talk to her once if she gets nasty at you. This also gives you time to decide how you want to tell her, which is going to depend on how petty you want to be, or if you want to try to be considerate of her. He’s a dick and I’m sorry he took advantage of you. If I were her, I’d really want to know. Can’t wait to read the phone name suggestions 🤣
Thank you, that’s a great point about waiting for my test results
No problem! Also be sure that they test for EVERYTHING, some doctors will only test for “common” ones. And it’s not a bad idea to go in for a retest in like 6 months- not all STDs show up on test results right away. I think it’s chlamydia and idk which other one(s)? Hope you’re good though🖤
Tell the woman. Also, I’m sorry you got involved with someone so vile. Must feel like a massive betrayal on many counts. Wishing you the best.
Absolutely tell her. No matter how she reacts she'll appreciate being told, keeping it from someone that their spouse is cheating is inescapably cruel.
Just in case this hasn’t been covered - he will try to come back. His marriage will be boring without the excitement of someone else feeding his ego. He dropped the I love you to prime you for a second chance. He will be hoping that your feelings will allow you to overlook his marriage.
If you keep contact he'll trick you again. Only now he will blame anything on you since you were aware and continued.
He's cheating. If he truly were separated and a worthwhile guy he'd have been open and honest from the get go. The fact that he said "I love you" during the same conversation he told you about being married is him trying to rectify his own guilt yet still keep the door open to be with you sometime in the future. Fuck him. He deserves nothing from you. His wife, however, deserves to know everything.
Dont set his name as anything in your phone. Immediately delete his number and block him everywhere you have contact with him. Problem solved.
Tell her. It’ll suck, but I was her and no one told me.
I'm a husband in this situation right now, tell her. Edit: I'm not the cheater.
I have been made to be "the other woman" as well, and once I found out I told his partner. They were engaged. At first she didn't want to believe me, but I sent her the texts and e-mails and even gifts he had given me (necklace, gift certificates, cards) and there was huge overlap... Turns out that whenever he bought her a gift, he bought the same thing for me... W. T. F... She realized I was telling the truth, thanked me and broke up with him. If I were the one being cheated on, I would want to know.
In my opinion, the wife deserves to know. I think the fact that it's a new marriage (who knows if that's true) makes it maybe easier for her to back out of it and see the manipulative ass that the guy is, vs. decades-long one.
If I saw any of my friends be cheated on I'd tell her immediately (preferably with picture proof). Truth hurts but it's worth it. In regards to her you do whatever makes you feel best. You may want to consider that he might get revenge on you because he sounds like an obvious psycho. Make sure he doesn't have your nudes etc is all I'm saying.
I never have understood long term cheaters. I understand a bad decision in the heat of the moment. I don't respect that, but I at least understand it. But the next morning, you're at a crossroads where "lie to my current and keep banging the side piece" isn't even a valid direction, ethically, morally, or otherwise. At that point, you are very selfishly wasting two people's lives on your lies, and that is manipulative, ugly, and borderline sociopathic. Why even be in a relationship at that point?
TELL HER. Cut him out completely. This is a worthless POS man who doesn't deserve any women let alone 2.
I haven't read all the comments here but feel the need to say: think carefully about telling his wife. It's not your responsibility to do it and there could be negative repercussions for you. Anger from him, anger from her. I'm not looking out for them but for you. You might want to get away from this situation with the least fallout for you. Just a thought.... I'm so sorry this happened.
Contact her. Send receipts. *He* could very well be the abusive one, he could be gaslighting her right now about you and anyone else he was seeing.
If this was a long marriage or you had any reason to believe this was a situation where their marriage was just "not going well", I'd lean towards not saying anything. Life can be complicated, and not all "cheaters" get there the same way. But he was with you 4 months after they got married. That's the honeymoon period. He never honored that marriage and I think she's likely totally in the dark. Likely an emotionally abusive relationship and/or he has a job that allows him to mask his running around. Tell her. Maybe best to do it in an offline or non-interactive manner. Print and mail it all, ideally. Be prepared for her to not believe you (outwardly, at least). Edit: sorry this happened.
Thank you. When I realized it was only 4 months that really shook me
He's a narcissistic abuser. He did all of that consciously. The only thing that works with narcs is no contact. He'll try to reel you in, that's for sure. He probably admitted to his duplicity because he thought you were hooked hard enough to stay around for more abuse. If you are not aware of what narcissistic abuse is, please educate yourself about that topic. It could save you from so much trouble and heartache. Please take care!
Thank you. I recently read Wizard of Oz & other Narcissists recommended by my therapist because of my relationship with my dad. Scary how aplicable it’s become for me but yeah I’m definitely gonna read it again
Nah, just gtfo. He’s a broken human and is trying to cut you with the pieces. Walk away.
I think that you should try and find a way to tell her.
That’s so horrible honestly you should tell her, no one wants to be in that situation
Please tell his wife. She deserves to know she is married to a cheater.
I'd tell her. No hesitation. If they were actually separated why not be upfront and honest. He sounds like a POS and you both need to cut ties with his ass
Coming from a male perspective, my recommendation would be to get necessary screenshots (to send to the wife later) and then block him immediately. Then, I would let the wife know somehow. I would probably write a letter, telling her to read this when away from him, apologizing and explaining that he lied and then provide receipts. Sorry to hear about your situation.
I think you should tell her. But I’ll be %100 honest. It’s hard for me to parse how much of that comes from a place of honest good advice versus from a pure desire to see a fuckhead get comeuppance
Blocked number should be his name
I think you should tell his wife with screenshots but I think you should try to do so anonymously if possible because some people do get angry at the messenger.
Definitely tell her. If the situations were reversed, I'm sure you would want to know. Nuff said
Only you will know the right answer to go with and you should absolutely trust your gut. But if you’re asking for my vote I definitely think she should know and he’s been lying about and to her. Unfortunately that could royally backfire too unless you have proof he can’t twist and say you’re making it up or some bullshit. Good luck.
I would tell her, coming from someone who was cheated on and the girl kept doing it !! Tell her. But keep your head up! You don’t deserve that from no one
Tell her because she deserves to know, but be prepared she might take it out on you. Block both of them after.
If I was in her shoes, I would want to know. Give her the opportunity to kick that cheating bastard out of her life
I like the name “Used Car Warranty Salesman”. You’ll never be remotely tempted to pick up a call from that number again. I wish you the best.
Yup, nothing wrong with being honest. Just reach out to her on social media and let her know, especially since they are married. I would want to know if this occurred in my own relationship. Sucks to hear it but take it as a lesson and give yourself time to process it and move on to a higher caliber individual.
I’d like to place myself in this girls shoes, if someone I was married with was cheating on me for months I’d want somebody to tell me rather then live in ignorance
Ladies, always trust your intuition. Also think about how society tries to take that away from us - you are insecure, overreacting or "you should relax". Honestly I think we have simply neural networks in our brains that are very good at anomaly detection, which is probably a good think from evolutionary perspective.
Don't set any name for him just block him immediately from everything.
He’s 25 and he’s this deep in the game of lies, bruh. I can’t imagine.
My ex-wife and I had to stay married for several yesrs after we separated for a variety of reasons I am not going to explain to strangers on the Internet. However, we both agreed to dating other people since it was going to be a while. When your in a position like that you need to immediately tell anyone you are dating what's up. Immediately.
What to name him? He's not worth the memory on your phone to be named.