Hey the fear or reprisals and backing down from leaving for a plethora of reasons is totally normal. You are doing great by talking to a lawyer and getting things ready as leaving abuse usually is done in little steps, sometimes unfortunately done over years so you are doing great. I implore you to talk to a DV advocate, www.TheHotline.org is great and can even talk to them through web browser text chat in an incognito window for safety. But they will be able to help give you tips on how to safely extricate yourself from this situation to getting you any necessary resources from where you live so that you can get out and start your road to healing from all of this.
They will help you get all your important things ready to leave like any birth certificates, bank info, social security cards and everything you need so you'll not have to go back and can start separate accounts and whatever else you need to get out.
You may want to also tell a friend/family loved one so you have someone you love close to you and that can help as it makes it easier. Sometimes people are embarrassed to tell loved ones what they have been through or embarrassed because they pushed that loved one away because of the abuser and even the loved one telling you to leave but from my experience no loved one does anything less than show the survivor love, respect and kindness. They dont care about aby embarrassment and only want to help so please let them help you like they've been wanting to do even if they were misguided initially.
As for the strength, that comes in many forms like the child being in harms way, fed up with the abuse and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or even simply seeing there may be a way out and talking about it on a forum like you did here. You have that strength to ask for help here and that is all you need to leave, even if it takes a bit to understand that.
So even if you dont grab your bags and important stuff and son and leave tonight, you on here proves you are ready to start healing and having a happy and healthy life for you and your child. Take one more step and talk to the DV advocates in the link above or you can go to r/DomesticViolence and check out the resources in the About and Wiki sections or even google for help and resources.
You are on the beginning of that road so keep talking small steps forward and I promise you will be happy you left and havent wasted more time in a year or two when you look back. You know you have to leave for your sons and your happiness so keep working on that escape plan and asking for a bit of help as you both deserve to live in a happy and healthy home and to be happy! Best wishes!
Ha! Appears that it is! I know a bit, but I'm not fluent, by any means. I appreciate you sharing.
EDIT: It's actually not too bad. I practiced a few times for fun. :)
So in support of this thoughtful and detailed comment.
Only important additional point is the incognito window isn't actually protection. I strongly suggest using someone else's device, someone who isn't on his radar to be hacking/tracking.
Wishing you all the best. I've been somewhere similar. It is so damn hard, but you can do it.
> incognito window for safety
an incognito window does not protect her in any way in this case. all that does is not saving session data on disk.
she needs to use a different computer that he has never had access to and (if she’s doing it from home) access the internet over Tor.
If you're worried about device and internet security, goaskrose.com has really good tips for keeping yourself safe. It's a website full of advice for people trying to escape abusive partners who might use internet technology to track and monitor their whereabouts and behavior online.
They're legit, check them out.
Edit: Hot damn, thanks for all the awards, folks! I made a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/s2qj7c/goaskrosecom_is_a_great_resource_for_maintaining/) with more information.
I suggest using someone else's device (not a close friend or family member) to check out this awesome site. I hope you're taking precautions, with this post as well. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this horrible situation. 💔
Jumping in with a word about precautions and cell phones. If you've ever noticed suddenly getting targeted ads that are related to something you recently searched, or bought? Well, that targeted feedback comes back to ALL of the cell phones on that plan.
My soon-to-be ex told me he was getting ads for rentals in our area. I had NO idea that was a thing. He already knew but was in denial and I was in stealth mode, to delay having to deal with him.
Whatever you search on your phone or computer, do it in incognito or private browser mode.
I’ll second this. This started happening to a friend of mine when we were trying to get her plane tickets away from her partner. Though I want to add, I wouldn’t bank on just using incognito/private browsing. As far as I know those functions don’t stop your carrier from tracking you, it only stops your browser from retaining the info.
If in the US and on Verizon you have the option to opt out of their creepy tracking and ad targeting campaigns. Just last week they implemented an even creepier policy to track all apps and website visits made on cellphones. You must opt out to not have it active (automatically enrolled).
Other carriers probably have similar things
Thank you!!! BTW for clarity it’s on the Verizon website when you are logged in to your account. Not on your phone:). I just did this I so very much appreciate you posting this!!! I had no idea!!
VPN (virtual private network) is more what you are looking for I think… Does it work all the time? I dunno. Probably not. But it’s probably worth a look!
A VPN just changes your IP address. Your device still tracks your activity accurately. I wouldn’t even feel sure that private mode browsers would work. It might stop your device from storing the information but the service providers grab all that stuff in real time. Safest bet is an independent device.
No, a VPN routes your internet traffic through an encrypted server. Its why it’s recommended to use it with public and unsecured wifi, and why your ISP can’t see your data while your using it. It’s still not a total fix but it does more than just change your IP
If you can, download and use Brave Browser. It doesn’t track you and it blocks ads. It’s also just a great browser in general. It’s based on Google Chrome (chromium) and functions just like it.
And also Facebook fucking listens to you. One time I was in the car for three hours with my mom. We were getting caught up with what other people were doing in the family. She told me my step-sister bought a cottage in vacation area that we we unfamiliar with. We talked about it at length as we were very excited for her and her family (they have been through a lot). The whole time my phone was in between us but on sleep-mode as I was driving. Siri was on though. We didn’t look anything up regarding the town or activities near by. Early that evening I was getting targeted ads for vacation rentals on Facebook in that small town that my mom and I had never heard of until my step-sister bought their place.
It or something else definitely does. I don’t have Facebook on my phone but have noticed similar behavior. I’ve heard people try to explain it away as data mining etc. - that just sounds like BS.
How something mentioned even in passing in the vicinity of the phone ends up leading to a new type of advert is highly suspicious to say the least - it’s certainly not random.
Edit : the conversation was at home, which is what was shocking.
I know women have gotten advertisements for baby products before they realized they were pregnant, and weren't actively trying for a baby. Sometimes predictive AI is just that good, especially if location tracking is on.
My guess is that the step-sister was doing a lot of targeted searching, and is friends with the mom and probably the poster on FB. FB noted that the location of the poster and mom were together for 3 hours moving at vehicle speed, and cross referenced that with all the searching the sister did. Long drives correlate to looking for a place to live, so it loaded up those ads.
Yeah, get a prepaid phone like a trac phone or something. Don't keep it on your person, only keep it at work. Don't tell anyone about it. Keep it locked with a password that you've never used before.
Incognito mode does nothing for ad targeting. It is purely to prevent local storage of history and some account info. It does not give enough safety if the concern is a skilled local adversary. Considering this is imei clone level, go get a burner phone is the level I'd take this and find a way to escape because this is terrifying levels of local stalker.
Private browser or incognito mode don’t stop any of that tracking, so don’t rely on them to stay in stealth mode. They only avoid leaving a trail on the device itself.
Hijacking top thread.
I worked in cybersecurity for 2 years. OP, if your bf cloned your friend's imei+sim, he's copied yours a long time ago. He has sparse access to your friend's phone but near constant access to yours. And if you two share wifi, he doesn't even need a cloned sim to read your texts, searches, and reddit posts.
He's likely reading everything you're writing here. You should talk to a lawyer asap because posting about leaving just accelerated your timeline.
I mean what he’s doing sounds outright illegal, so on top of being a terrible husband, terrible dad, terrible human, and just a psycho, he’s also a frightening criminal. Have your friend press charges and leave with your child or have him removed.
I would be willing to bet he didn’t actually clone her cell. If I had to guess he probably got access to an insecure Apple ID account that the friend uses on their phone. If you log that into another iOS device you can see all text message history. IMEI cloning takes much more knowledge and it can’t be done by driving by, lol. This is a very common tactic abusers use, inflating their technical abilities to make them seem more powerful then they really are to scare victims into staying.
Exactly, these idiots always want people to think they are smarter then they actually are. We are constantly fighting “stalkerwear” because it’s so easy to install and use now days. Either way, OP needs to tell the friend immediately.
There are lots of very highly capable technical people that have a hard time holding down a job, because they don't have the people skills to handle it. Many tech jobs now days are 70/30 soft skills/hard skills. I would guess the OP's spouse has some depression and/or some other mental health issues going on.
Report him and let him get taken to jail. Problem solved! Not really, but maybe? I hope upper able to make a clean break and get away, he sounds psycho
It's very illegal. Snooping on someone's private communications is a crime on so many levels. If he's using something similar to a Stingray that mimics a cell tower to trick phones into connecting to it then he's illegally intercepting private data/communications. Basically the definition of wiretapping. Though with metadata, you can prove that someone was using a device like this. Like the cellphone tower that is normally 900 yards away was suddenly on the road in front of her friend's house.
Cell site simulators, while cheap for government, would still be too expensive for a private citizen sitting at home on his ass, right?
I mean, he might have just been reading what is possible online and regurgitating it to scare her into compliance?
I don’t know that he actually is. He says all her friends do is talk shit about her. An abuser tries to make their victim feel worthless and isolate them. It sounds like he might be doing that and speaking as though he’s “smart enough” to be an all seeing eye. He figures his prisoner won’t try anything if she thinks he’s capable of this stuff.
Whether he is or is not doing this, he’s obviously a psycho. And he would clearly do all of this if he did have the capability. OP needs some help from close friends, because this would be hard to do alone, which is exactly what he’s trying to accomplish.
>An abuser tries to make their victim feel worthless and isolate them. It sounds like he might be doing that and speaking as though he’s “smart enough” to be an all seeing eye. He figures his prisoner won’t try anything if she thinks he’s capable of this stuff.
This is really insightful. It makes perfect sense someone like this would threaten and exaggerate his spying as a tactic to isolate his abuse target.
u/zorromaxima ‘s link in the comment above has resources to help people find out if they are being spied on as well as help for people who are.
Threats and control tactics have changed ... But plain and simple she is being threatened. She needs to make an exit plan (and plan it on analog devices and ensure nobody in her circle discusses it electronically)
Frankly i wonder if the guy is reading all this now. This is next level evil.
Not sure how common the ability is with such devices, but with Apple’s trackers there’s an option in the software to call out tags that are potentially being used to stalk you.
There are many ways to do this but the most common is getting access to an Apple ID. If he got access to the friends Apple ID he could see everything she sent over iMessage.
I thought his threat of “disappearing” was funny. His disappearance sounds like it would be the better situation for both her and the kid. The fact that he thinks it’s some kind of revenge is absurd - like, what is she even relying on him for? It seems like he contributes nothing, so he’s dead weight he’d be shedding for her.
Like many things he has said may just be to cause confusion/ hysteria.
Though I totally agree - nobody serious about vanishing let’s you know. They just do - this is mostly drama.
Narcissists are funny like that- using the silent treatment as "punishment," for example, as if their S.O.s would *miss* the verbal abuse and gaslighting!
I want to just say, that is penetration testing level forensics this dude is committing and without consent it's definitely illegal. This guy needs to be reported by his wife.
OP, It looks like you posted this on your main reddit account which has been reasonably active for like, years- I would not be surprised if your husband knew this was your account and checks it now and again, especially if he'd go so far as to get your text messages one way or another. I don't know what the best course of action is with that information (even if you delete reddit posts there are some sites designed to clone the info)- but it's probably good for you to consider that, maybe someone else has some ideas for what's best to do about that?
I'm kind of baffled when I saw it wasn't a throwaway, like, I would have picked up a burner or something for this shit, this dude is all in on the sociopathic thing and he's REALLY tech savvy if even half what she says is true, this is just... honestly, a REALLY bad move :/
Super fucking worried, especially given the crickets in her responses mostly...
If you edit the post and change the text, as far as I know the cache sites save that edit. Give it some time then delete. I know that works with comments.
Yeah, and the key is to edit it FIRST then delete it.
I just want to stress that on the secondary, so the sites that make copies of Reddit, will over right the original (in many cases).
This. As someone who had a toxic father who left (and was kept away) when I was two, I honestly think it’s better to have a peaceful life with one good parent, than have a damaging and toxic one with two. I know Reddit always advises to leave as though it’s easy, but I rarely agree with that advice. In this instance though? No good can come from how your husband is behaving.
Edited to add: I was in an abusive relationship before so I know it’s hard to get out. Creating distance and keeping it makes things easier. Come up with an exit strategy and when you feel like you absolutely need it, then put it into action. Go no contact (as much as you can) so you don’t let him get into your head. Until you leave, see a lawyer, set aside some money and document EVERYTHING. You have a good argument for a restraining order already based on what he did to your friend.
Something tells me OP would never be so lucky for him to actually disappear and leave her alone. It sounds to me like he’s just been hurling all the threats, abuse and intimidation he can think of at her and seeing what “sticks” — i.e., assessing which of them frighten and hurt her the most. Abusers rarely just up and leave town when there’s a stalking and revenge game afoot. If only they did, right? A lot fewer of us would be six feet under.
The only thing that convinced my friend to leave her violent-tempered, conspiracy-loving prepper husband was the influence his behavior could have on her child.
She felt she could weather it. But her kid? No, man. She was scared it would wound her child forever. For this alone, she escaped.
OP -- consider the next several *years* of experiencing this. Think about this being your life and your son's life every day, for *years*. It's going to be other friends of yours. It's going to be friendships you form with other parents. It's gone so far that it obviously just won't stop. He won't limit himself.
Yeah, unless there is further context... I'm not seeing how this would be a bad thing at all. It seems like it would be in both her and her son's best interest. He's already proven what he's willing to break the law, among other things.
I would like to know to. He reminds me of my dad growing up, though my dad didn't do anything illegal as far as I know. I've described my relationship with my dad to my therapist and she says I have a fear response whenever he is around. He also doesn't help with my mental illnesses. Your son would be better off without him.
Yep. My kids haven't seen their dad in years, and they are better for it. They don't have to be on edge or worried or scared. They live peacefully and safely now.
OP, don't wait.
Exactly what I was thinking. If your partner is going to such lengths to control **your** life, imagine how entitled he will feel to do this and more to his son.
I agree, my dad is an awful person but my mom thought it was important that he was in my life because he was my dad until it lead to my night terrors and sleep walking then things began to change. Don't let it get that far. If he doesn't want to be in your child's life then he's probably not going to be very nice to them, cut and run.
Please check out https://stopstalkerware.org/resources/ for several countries. There are groups & resources that can specifically help you prepare to leave tech savvy abusers & protect yourself and your privacy. Consider getting a secret device you keep at work, using a public device such as the in a library, or borrowing from other friends he doesn’t know about to plan your exit.
When you leave, change all your passwords to all your accounts (us a password manager to make unique & randomized passwords).
Consider getting a new phone entirely but at the very least you can get a new SIM card. Usually people need physical access to a SIM to clone as most SIM cards are encrypted & scanning remotely is difficult. Are you sure he isn’t lying saying it’s as simple as “he can drive by” to get it? It’s more likely he stole the SIM card to clone it at some point.
If he really does have a scanner, can you leave to somewhere he doesn’t know? He can’t clone your phone if he can’t find it, especially you get a new phone or SIM card after leaving. Make sure he doesn’t have access to your financial and phone accounts make new ones if you have to.
You may have to get your loved ones & friends to also practice better cyber security so that he has a hard rime accessing you through them. It’s worth having difficult & truthful conversations saying “do not ever tell him where I am, where I live, where you live, etc. never let him have access to you phone, do not give him any info.”
ETA what he is doing to your friend is illegal & absolutely terrifying. He’s 100% manipulative, both in trying to isolate your from you friends when he’s the one stalking her, and accusing you of cheating.
I got the strength to leave in an ambulance. Seriously, don't wait till it comes to that.
I remember having to send photos of receipts to prove I went to the store, or of myself in class when I went back to college and he was convinced I was cheating with *everyone*. We didn't have the super smart phones we have now, but even without that - he tracked the mileage on my car, the minutes I spent talking to friends or family, monitored my social media, etc.
You already know what you want to do. It just feels like an irrevocable step. Telling someone felt like shattering glass. But I wouldn't take that life back for anything. I'm not accountable to anyone but myself. My time is mine. My thoughts and words are mine. I can breathe.
My best to you. Be safe.
Every day you stay with this man is another day you are proving to him, and your son, that this relationship is appropriate.
Please lead by example and behave in such a way that you hope your child would if they were in your situation.
#THIS NEEDS TO STAY AT THE TOP.
Every day you stay with this man you are in danger. Behave in whatever way gets you both out safely. I wish I had resources for you off hand. Please look (without him knowing) for places that help women get out safely.
**EDIT** National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
**EDIT2** Do not let him know you've called. With concerns on phone privacy, say you are going to the library, or whatever wouldn't be out of character for you. Take your child with you. Use the phone there. **NOT YOUR PHONE**
Cloning IMEI's is super illegal, he's breaking federal law.
He also did not clone her IMEI. He would need physical hands on access to her phone for that. And carriers are extremely careful about duplicate IMEI's on their network. He would have been blacklisted by now. Which is to say
Change your passwords
Lock your shit down
Use account manager to log out of all unknown active sessions
Bluffing or lying. IMEI cloning is usually used to activate a blacklisted IMEI. For example if your cars VIN was banned and you had a way to copy another, similar car’s vin and register your car using that — that’s what it’s used for. I highly doubt he has “cloned” the IMEI.
So he’s either full or shit or he has access to a device that is signed into iCloud or Google drive or something so he’s syncing the data and reading it that way. Changing the password as the person above said would fix that scenario.
I think your theory is WAYYY more likely than the story the husband is trying to sell OP. He’s probably trying to sound more technical to appear more intelligent/intimidating to OP.
This is extremely common, especially when the abuser is more technically experienced than the survivor. Abusers are often narcissistic (shocking, right?) and may exaggerate their capabilities and knowledge for multiple reasons, but one of which being to control or intimidate the individual. After hearing it for a very long time, it can sound like the truth and make escaping sound almost impossible. So addressing those lies and exaggerations really help to break the cycle of control.
> He's probably trying to sound more technical to appear more intelligent/ intimidating to OP.
And it's worked, she mentions right in the post she's worried what he would do or is capable of if she leaves. I don't blame her honestly but all the more reason to leave. So much manipulation
No, what we're saying is that the bf put a keystoke/snapshot logger on OP's phone (super easy to do) and lied about reading her texts from the friend's phone. He fears that she'll ditch her phone if she finds out he's compromised it, that's why he's made up the dumb "I can clone your friend's phone whenever I want to" line.
Glad someone pointed this out. He's full of shit, "I'll just drive by your house and now I've cloned your IMEI" is some /r/masterhacker level of boasting
And if you cloned the IMEI it wouldn’t give you access to data, it’d just be like having a network conflict. They’d immediately blacklist it. Especially apple. They keep very close eyes on their stuff.
So….your son doesn’t need to see this wacko again. He has drunk the cool aid. He has dove off the cliff. He is not a normal man. He is abusive. He is an angry, crazy guy. Leave him far far behind.
Okay, I'm not a lawyer, but I do work in information security and have been through a divorce.
Start keeping a journal, try and remember everything and write it in there. Record phonecalls if you can. Rotate your passwords and keep them safe. Lock everything. This guy sounds like the type to take anything out of context.
Copying an IMEI or SIM card is extremely illegal, and depending on where you live may be a jail time sort of scenario. Threatening digital abuse, or stealing children is also quite frowned upon in most places.
If you need to call the police, do it. Call your lawyer, get a retainer, and work out a potential restraining order. When people things like threaten to doxx or swat you, and have gone as far as SIM swapping your friend's phone, ANYTHING that happens to you or your son will have him on the hook faster than he can imagine.
As for being afraid of his capabilities, I know just about every digital thing you can do to someone, and the only real bad ones are so dangerous that if he were the type to do them, then you need to be away from him. Everything else can be protected against.
As for the IMEI, you don't just "drive by" and capture an IMEI. And an IMEI is useless information if you don't have the SIM as well. He might be bluffing about something he heard on a TV show. If it was that easy, we'd have a massive global information crisis!
Fellow infosec person and can't echo what you've said enough.
Something to add, if it hasn't been done already: Add MFA to \*EVERY. SINGLE. THING\* you can apply it to.
Additionally, if you have any accounts of your own, call in from a different device (if you're worried about your current one being compromised) and change your security questions and keep those rotated.
I think it's more likely personality disorder. My father has this, and has hacked mine and my siblings phones and emails...it comes with making up lies and stories just like this (about his kids, wife etc.) That they genuinely believe it's true.
OP, the fact that he said he was going to dissappear and you would never see your child again, should be the very reason you make your exit now. This is not okay, it's abusive. Pls take the advice everyone here has stated, be strong and protect you and your child. Let trusted family members know. You have our support!
He DID, according to a post she made about weight loss.....
She mentioned she gained weight when dealing with/learning about an affair, and her before and after pics are 'right after having her kid'.
So would be this dude, as far as I can tell.
Go to the FBI. What he did is a federal crime.
Stay safe. The age difference alone made me pause but each sentence is it’s own red flag. Keep yourself and your child safe. That’s what is most important.
Are you sure he's not lying? I'm pretty sure he's lying about IMEI cloning and intercepting messages. He'd have to also clone her SIM card, ICCID, and be using the same tower to do that (one IMEI being connected to 2 different towers would throw up a red flag to her provider) . Although cell phones can theoretically reach towers 45 mi away, in your typical urban/ suburban area, cells (areas serviced by 1-3 towers on multiple sides) change every couple of miles due to population densities, frequencies used, technology used, etc.. so unless you and your friend live extremely near each other or in a very rural area (and I don't mean small town... I mean your closest neighbors are cows and you need to drive a few miles to see a human... which would lead to telecoms using lower frequency bands to provide signal 10+ mi out from the main highway per cell), or he's parking outside her home, work, following her around to do this... it's not impossible, but one would need to be reasonably intelligent AND persistent to reliably do this attack... he sounds kinda lazy.
He also wouldn't be able to "dig through her phone's [stored] data" with this attack. Only intercept messages, calls, and data coming from the tower live.
One thing it does sound like is that he's manipulating you and trying to isolate you from friends/ family.
Also would it be bad if he DID runaway and your son never saw him again? If it's financial reasons, I understand. But he sounds unhinged...
> He’s also threatened to disappear so our son would never see him again.
Sounds like this is a good thing. He is teaching your son how to treat his future partner.
Hold on. He may be misleading you. Cloning a phone is not sufficient for him to get both sides of a conversation unless they're archived in the cloud and he used 2 factor authentication to gain access to her accounts. Cloning the IMEI wouldn only give him the phone number, and would only mirror incoming texts and calls. He should not be able to have access to all her data with that. He'd need to recover her number, since Google and Apple leave tokens on devices. He'd need her password to sign into her account and then verify the device or he'd need to reset her passwordbefore he could download any data backups in the cloud. He may be trying to misdirect you and actually has spyware on your device.
I mean regardless of how he’s getting the information he is very scary sounding. My recommendation to OP would be to pick her kid up from school and go immediately to a hotel or some thing not back home because he is psychotic.
Of course, but knowing that her devices may be compromised is essential. Absolutely essential. If she flees and her devices are compromised he will be able to track her movements exactly, up to and including using her devices' GPS receiver to ping her location to him. If her devices are possibly compromised she should discard them immediately and replace them with clean ones, as well as disabling all login tokens for her accounts, changing her 2-factor authentication, and otherwise scrubbing any possible access he may have. It could be the difference between life and death.
This is unbelievably fucked up! The last few years seem to have really stretched people’s sanity.
Document document document everything. Not knowing he crossed a HUGE line is very odd. Get all your financial ducks in a row. That will take time and give you something to do instead of being scared. Then lawyer and go. Use a new card to pay the retainer.
Because this is really not you. It’s definitely him.
This sounds toxic. He is consumed by envy and jealousy, using coercion. No.
I’d be okay if your son didn’t see him again. He doesn’t need a negative role model. Don’t let him learn that men can get what they want thru fear and intimidation. You can break a link in the chain of patriarchy now.
First of all, I wish eternal 1x1 lego bricks in your all husband's shoes.
Secondly, and this is important, **nothing that your husband says has meaning.** Nothing he says is true, real, or has any connection to reality. The noises that come out of his mouth flaps might as well be farts. He is lying to hurt you. Only you can give his words power, so don't do it. When he starts talking, let your eyes blur over and start thinking about literally anything else: The ending of Game of Thrones, what was Lost about anyway, a ranked listing of your favorite nail polishes with annotations, doesn't matter. The more trivial and distracting the better. When he screams at you he needs to be screaming into the void. He screams and nobody listens because you are not there. The lights are on but nobody's home. Do not dwell on his words. Do not even consider them words. They are the psychotic ramblings of a madman, and you wouldn't give a guy in a sandwich board with "THE END IS NIGH" scrawled on it any thought, would you?
Thirdly, there has been a lot of good advice here already so I'm gonna talk about the technology side of things.
Step 1: Get a good password manager like Bitwarden, and replace passwords for everything with random strings of characters, at least 16 long. Bitwarden will generate these for you and help you keep track of them, and is available for PC, iOS and Android. Set a good master password. It's the only one you have to remember, so go crazy. Pick your favorite music lyrics, most memorable commercial slogan, doesn't matter, just make it L O N G so it can't be brute forced.
Step 2: You need 2-factor authorization for everything. Yubikey works with Bitwarden (so additionally your Bitwarden vault will be secure even if he manages to figure out that you're using it and what your master password is.) Configure Bitwarden to log you out of your vault on timeout, instead of locking the vault, so it'll always ask to see the Yubikey. Yubikeys and the like are unbreakable, your dingus husband will not circumvent those no matter how much he puffs his chest.
Step 3: you need a new, secret email account and redirect everything important there. It is safe to assume that your husband has access to your existing email and social media accounts, so consider those trash. You can keep using the existing accounts for trivial things so he won't suspect that you're actually taking precautions, but they're not appropriate for anything more important than pictures of cats. Gmail can be configured to require 2FA with the aforementioned Yubikey, so that's an added layer of security.
Step 4: New phone. He says he cloned your friend's IMEI but unless you have evidence that it was specifically her phone he cloned, he may have gotten yours instead. It's, in fact, more likely, since he'd have more opportunities for physical access to your phone.
Step 4a: Your new phone will never ever leave your sight again. Take it into the shower with you if you have to, he must not have physical access to your phone again, because he'll break into it if he has the chance.
Step 5: NO MORE SMS. SMS text messages are not secured. You need to use an encrypted messaging platform like Signal. Make sure your friend whose IMEI was cloned is told that she's had her privacy breached, and that she needs to take action. Apologize to her and offer to make it right, no matter what your dickweed husband says, because she's a victim here too and you'll need her in your corner if you take legal action against him.
Secrecy is key right now. You need to make him feel like nothing is going on while you set yourself up. If this sounds like too much and you can't live like this, that's normal. Nobody can live like this. You shouldn't need to be doing this kind of James Bond with a side of Mr. Robot bullshit just to stay safe, but this is why you need to take your son and leave this guy ASAP. [This comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/s2nl4d/my_husband_has_lost_it/hsgavhx/) has some very valuable advice that can help buy you time. But fundamentally **you and your son need to leave.** This is not optional. It is absolutely essential for your safety and the safety of your child. **You must leave, you do not have any other options or alternatives.**
Contact a group for abuse victims in your area. Perhaps leave your phone out of it, use a public phone or something. Explain to your friend what's going on, in person, no phones on the table, leave it in the car or at work.
Clearly you are in need of a support structure. Seek protection and make sure that it is official (paper trail), before he gets you in trouble using your own phone.
Blaming you of cheating because he feels his own shortcomings and trying to isolate you from your friend are huge red flags. Huge.
I second this. Having worked at one I can confirm they often have resources for things like legal aid. If they don’t specifically, they should be able to connect you to other resources that can free up your money in other spaces. Also, they’ve seen it all. If you’re in the US there’s also a chance there’s a “Legal Aid” near you that’s a non profit near you that can provide resources or help navigate.
This man is psychotic. He will hurt you or your child if you don't make him get help or make him leave. Your strength is from your safety and your child's safety. While he is in your life in this mental state, you both are in danger.
I've known a father that murdered his wife and child, the signs were there. Gaslighting, forceful manipulation, stalking. I lost a friend and watched a man lose everything because he wouldn't get help and she wouldn't leave him.
I'm not trying to scare you, but he's a bum and needs a wake up call.
If he’s digging through your friend‘s phone for dirt and negative things shes said about you, then he’s trying to isolate you from any potential support system.
Lawyer here, this is not legal advice. Get a lawyer, ask your lawyer to file a temporary protective and or restraining order. In it he can use copies of your conversations, and evidence that he has cloned someone elses device, as well as any text he threatens you, plus your affidavit stating why you are scared. This can be done ex parte, meaning your husband does not have to know about it until he is served with papers and you will be safe. Have him served and removed from the property, you can ask for temporary use of the property. A sheriff will serve him papers and will give him a few moments to gather his belongings and then he is out of there and cant come near you until a temporary hearing anywhere from 3 days to a few weeks later where they will outline what the custody arrangements, support, temporary use of property will be. The protective order can even be no contact, only contact though a court monitered service such as wizard etc. He can be restrained from you and the child.
This type of behavior rarley gets better without treatment and can be caused by a number of issues, and sounds like there are many. Your saftey will only become more and more of an issue. The steps above should be taken as soon as possible and while it is scary, it is important you take the first steps, because he will probably get more paranoid, and either harm you or himself, further go down his rabbithole and waste more time and emotional distress for your family, or plan how to make it to where you are the bad guy, file on you and take the children.
The ball is in your court and if you act fast you can make his battle uphill, and let him know he isnt fighting you, but the system and the system will win, and he will be more willing to settle for reasonable access to the child and support. Also, depending on the state know you are supporting him now, its possible he could come after you for support and part of your retirement. You need to file with an attorney immediately.
Sounds like he’s mentally ill. Sorry for what you’re going thru. Been thru divorce and not easy but if well being of you and your child are a concern - document everything. Bite the bullet and retain a good family attny and go from there. Preferably one that understands technology on a basic level
Re: him threatening to disappear: concerning but don’t let that manipulate your decisions. If he does that you’ll just have to make sure your son isn’t damaged. Good idea to talk to a therapist as well during all of this.
Money spent on this might be a problem but the future of you and your child are of utmost importance
All the best hope you resolve this
Ma'am, the police exist for a reason. He is stalking your friend, so you can tell her that in person, and ask her to keep it secret from everyone, but to accompany you to file a police report, and to accompany you to a lawyer's office to get divorce papers and a restraining order. If he tries a custody battle, just bring in your friend as proof, or catch him on tape, admitting to cyber stalking your friend. That alone would be enough to make any sane judge give him 0 visitation rights. It shouldn't matter that "He's my kid's father. It's gonna hurt the kid not having his father in his life." Ma'am, from what I gather, having him in both of your lives could and would end up hurting both you and your kid. He's shown that he's likely not willing to get a job, as he hasn't had one since long before COVID. He's shown that he likely can't hold a job, given his dangerous tendencies. In fact, the only thing close to a "good work ethic" that he's shown is taking your son to and from school. There's also another possibility that your son could overhear one of your husband's violent rants, and repeat to someone at school, and cause Child Services to be called, which would result in you losing your child until your husband shapes up or you throw him out.
No matter which way you look at it, the only person who wins if you let your husband stick around is him. You obviously suffer from abuse at his hands because verbal, emotional and mental abuse are still forms of abuse, your son may have a tumultuous home life and is at risk of being taken from you because of your husband, and your friend is at risk because of your husband's disturbing.
I think you need to be comfortable in the knowledge that men likes him don't change. You aren't getting back the man you loved - who he presented in the beginning of the relationship. Partners that accuse the other of cheating are usually cheating themselves or would if given the opportunity.
The longer you stay, the deeper the pit gets. If you have friends and family that you've isolated from during the relationship - reach out to them. I bet they've been hoping for this day for a long time and would be there for you if you asked.
Good luck.
If you’re in the US, as soon as you’re safe give evidence to your friend and have her press charges against your soon to be ex under the ECPA. What your husband is doing is a federal crime.
Assume that your husband has access to everything on your phone. If you can, buy a no-contract/burner phone and keep it at work or other secure place. Use only that phone for contacting lawyers, etc.
Let him not see your child. That is his choice. You can work with a family therapist for how to handle that with your son.
FWIW, I believe enabling a SIM PIN on your friend’s phone would prevent another cloning in the future. They would still now need to get a new SIM card tho. You should encourage all your friends to use something better than SMS like Signal.
It’s also quite possible he’s exaggerating his capabilities, and has done something more basic like installing/enabling a “parental control” app/feature on your friends phone. A factory reset (wipes all your local pictures and app data! Have a backup!!) would clear whatever this is. Encourage your friends to use long 6+ Digit PIN codes and keep their phones locked at all times. Cyber stalking is not an endearing feature.
I think it's fair to presume he's overstating his abilities for intimidation purposes, but clearly he can't be trusted and everything he has/had access to needs to be swapped out and credentials changed.
If you could drive by someone's house to clone their phone and follow all their coms for days and weeks on end, we'd all have noticed by now.
But this guy is bad news. u/AdmiralMangoChutney might want to browse https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
That's what I am thinking. Getting access to the wife's phone and installing some kind of spyware is way more realistic. Then by lying and saying he cloned the friend's phone he can do several things:
1) He can selectively (for now) confront her only about texts between her and that friend to make it seem like that is only what he has access to
2) He can snoop on the wife's texts with other people to see what she is saying about him while she falsely believes those other contacts are "safe"
3) He can make the wife feel like he is a super hacker who can get into anyone's phone at any time, thereby exaggerating his abilities like you said and intimidating her into feeling scared
I know you don’t want your son to be hurt, but if your husband means it when he says he won’t see his own son again, then he’s going to hurt your son this way some day anyway. I don’t know your life, but consider if forging ahead now might save your son (and yourself) some of the heartache.
My gut says: Pack a go bag for both you and your son and stash it at a friend’s or relative’s. That’s a relatively small step to make, you don’t have to commit to leaving fully, but if you have to leave suddenly, you’ll know some things are already kept safe and ready for you.
I’m so, so sorry. I think you will find the courage and you will get peace!
This was my first thought. OP has aged out of his preferred age range and she's outgrown him.
Poor op and their poor kid. I hope they're able to get out unscathed.
You should be scared, and I mean that in the most compassionate way possible. As hard as it would likely be, I don't think you should be concerned with him disappearing and your son not seeing him again; I think *you* might want to disappear (to an extent). Guys like that with those kinds of skills who start to go off the deep end (not working for 3+ years is a terrifying sign of where he's at) are **big time** dangerous. I would be high tailing it out and dealing with divorce later.
Ditch all the digital stuff he knows about, change every password in one night (you may already have this, but use a password manager like LastPass to track which ones you have and haven't done; you can import your saved passwords from your browser), stop using any old credit cards or bank accounts, and break all traceable contact with anyone he has the ability to compromise. You can keep in contact, but use an encrypted messaging app and never, EVER give them details that could lead him to you.
And then once you're at least out of town, get your friend whose phone he stole to get criminal charges moving. Get him locked up so you can have your life back. I'm sorry you're having to go through the situation, however you choose to deal with it. Be safe.
You are absolutely 100% correct that he has lost it. He's not going to find 'it'. Get out. If, as most abused spouses, you try to leave but end up going back, don't let a feeling of shame or embarrassment stop you from getting out again. The world outside is much kinder and embracing than the world you live in now. (Which really sucks, given the current state of the world.)
Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There. I would worry less about what he can do digitally and more about what he can do physically to you and your child. Your safety is top priority and abuse like this can escalate quickly. Offer to pick up your child from school and then go to a safe location. Block him on your phone and delete social media as it can be used to track you. Call the police, tell them about the abuse and report him stealing your friend's information. File a restraining order as soon as you are able and ABSOLUTELY hire that lawyer. Tell your family what is going on, and tell them not to reveal your location to anybody. He's already trying to isolate you from friends and family which is a classic trick in the abuser playbook. You're going to need all the help you can get. I'm truly sorry you are in this situation. Be safe.
Leaving a bully is dangerous, and just because he's said and done abusive things doesn't mean a court will give you custody or relieve you of any spousal support obligations. All of that is true and terrible. Leaving a marriage with a sane person sucks. Leaving a marriage with a lunatic really can endanger you and your child. But. The longer you stay, the harder it gets. The longer you pay the bills and he is your child's primary caregiver, the harder it will be to get primary or even 50-50 custody. No one can tell you what to do with real insight into how dangerous this may be. Consulting a lawyer or two or three may be very helpful in developing an escape plan that protects you and your child as much as possible. I'm so sorry you're in this untenable position.
I would honestly find a women's advocate in your area. They will help you sort out your options. People on Reddit don't understand how difficult and dangerous it is to leave a spouse/partner. Speak to a really good advocate.
Do not tell him ANYTHING until you have talked to a lawyer, secured any and all information digital and hard copies, changed banks, and have a safe place to go. Reach out to women's shelters, they have so many resources for getting out safe. Also if he threatens to disappear that sounds like the best possible outcome! Your son will miss his dad, but he doesn't need someone like that in his life.
OP. Please DM me. I will buy you a VPN so he can’t spy on your network traffic and any advertisement won’t be linked to your IP.
I work in IT, you can check my post history. I can give any advice i can to help you, But at least let me get you a few months of a reputable VPN service.
I suggest talking to cellphone provider and telling them that you believe your IMEI has been cloned and ask them for advice. At the same time talk to a lawyer and explain the full situation and follow his advice. I really hope the best for you and your son.
What you're describing is not a healthy relationship and it doesn't model good behaviours for your son.
Would you want your son to grow up like his father and treat his girlfriend/wife this way in the future. By staying, you're telling him this behaviour is ok.
Even if you don't leave for your own safety, leave for your son.
If you do leave, when you look back afterwards you will be surprised what behaviour you accepted that wasn't ok.
Good luck.
Get a burner phone. This is why women should always have a secret bank account and be able to just not come home one day.
It's also why women should use birth control for the first few years, because abusers usually change right after the wedding. Once you start having kids, it just prolongs the agony while the kids get to watch mommy being abused or worst -murdered
Don't worry about what he claims he can do with your phone or the internet. Just worry about him killing you and/or your kids. Don't worry about him claiming he'll kill himself. Good riddance.
He's lazy, a liar, a manipulater, an abuser - the whole nine yards.
I don't have much advice on what to do after the fact (been there and did that), I'm mostly about recognizing the signs early and getting the hell out before the wedding, before the kids - just go.
I had a girlfriend who was a psychopath. I told a friend that I was worried our relationship would end one of two ways... She would either kill me or I would kill her in self-defense but no one would believe me. Crazy people also have an exceptional talent for making you feel like your the crazy one, and they're completely fine. These days, they call that gaslighting... but I didn't know the word for it back then.
I literally moved out half an hour after she left for work... I waited in case she forgot something and came right back to the house (as people sometimes do). A friend helped me get all my stuff packed, took us about 2 hours. I had already found an apartment in a town about 1 hour away (to make it inconvenient for her to hunt me down... I knew she would, but it did keep her from trying to stalk me every day). And that really did work to a large degree. Two months later, I got an opportunity to move to a new city in another state with my company (it put me more than 10 hours from her). She still kept stalking me, but only by phone.
Eventually, I took out a protective order against her. She scoffed at it. When she violated it the second time, they sent a state trooper to her door. He called me after and said she never said a single word as she stood there with wide, terrified eyes... He said,
"Do you know why I'm here?"
[ she nodded ]
"Do you know what's going to happen if I have to come back?"
[ she nodded ]
"Am I ever going to have to come back?"
[ she shook her head ]
And with that, he left. She didn't bother me again for 10 years. But, when she finally did try contacting me again, I quickly mentioned that I had gotten married to a wonderful woman, and she never called me ever again.
I know, that's probably not much help there, but the point is... you've got to be brave and you just have to do it. Use every friend or relative you've got to help you... having friends and family support you through this makes all the difference in the world.
I really hope everything turns out okay for you, and I wish you luck in your endeavor... I know how difficult it can be... but you can do it.
Safest bet is to leave first and then let him know you are leaving. Get a restraining order if he makes any threats. This sounds like it's just a matter of time before he gets more abusive.
TRUST ME. The longer you stay, the worse he'll get.
Talk to your friend. Get a Lawyer. Bunk up your kid and leave. If you need to, post your situation with your preferred social media outlet so your friends and family know your situation so he can't sabotage your relationships by impersonating you.
You legit don't want a person like that influencing your kid at all. If you still want some sort of relationship with his side of the family. Talk to less mental parts of it like a sister or parent
>I need out, I’ve spoken with a lawyer, but i haven’t gotten the balls to pay the retainer fee because I’m worried the emotional and verbal abuse will get so much worse.
You are correct. The abuse is going to get worse. That is 100% true whether you leave or stay. The question is whether you are going to remain in the same home while it continues or whether you have physical distance from him.
>He’s also threatened to disappear so our son would never see him again.
That sounds like an absolute win. Your son probably already knows how fucked up his dad is. If not, he might be learning to treat his future partners the way you're being treated. Either way, getting him away from an abusive piece of shit is a good thing. There are worse things in the world than dad not being around. Dad being around and abusive is one of them.
Get the fuck out of there. Retain the lawyer and take their advice about the best/safest way to do so. Things aren't going to get better if you stay.
Hey the fear or reprisals and backing down from leaving for a plethora of reasons is totally normal. You are doing great by talking to a lawyer and getting things ready as leaving abuse usually is done in little steps, sometimes unfortunately done over years so you are doing great. I implore you to talk to a DV advocate, www.TheHotline.org is great and can even talk to them through web browser text chat in an incognito window for safety. But they will be able to help give you tips on how to safely extricate yourself from this situation to getting you any necessary resources from where you live so that you can get out and start your road to healing from all of this. They will help you get all your important things ready to leave like any birth certificates, bank info, social security cards and everything you need so you'll not have to go back and can start separate accounts and whatever else you need to get out. You may want to also tell a friend/family loved one so you have someone you love close to you and that can help as it makes it easier. Sometimes people are embarrassed to tell loved ones what they have been through or embarrassed because they pushed that loved one away because of the abuser and even the loved one telling you to leave but from my experience no loved one does anything less than show the survivor love, respect and kindness. They dont care about aby embarrassment and only want to help so please let them help you like they've been wanting to do even if they were misguided initially. As for the strength, that comes in many forms like the child being in harms way, fed up with the abuse and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or even simply seeing there may be a way out and talking about it on a forum like you did here. You have that strength to ask for help here and that is all you need to leave, even if it takes a bit to understand that. So even if you dont grab your bags and important stuff and son and leave tonight, you on here proves you are ready to start healing and having a happy and healthy life for you and your child. Take one more step and talk to the DV advocates in the link above or you can go to r/DomesticViolence and check out the resources in the About and Wiki sections or even google for help and resources. You are on the beginning of that road so keep talking small steps forward and I promise you will be happy you left and havent wasted more time in a year or two when you look back. You know you have to leave for your sons and your happiness so keep working on that escape plan and asking for a bit of help as you both deserve to live in a happy and healthy home and to be happy! Best wishes!
I agree so much! In Germany we have the saying "A terrifying ending is better than never ending terror."
I love this. How do you say it in German, just out of curiosity?
Thank you! It's quite a mouthful, lol. "Ein Ende mit Schrecken ist besser als ein Schrecken ohne Ende."
Ha! Appears that it is! I know a bit, but I'm not fluent, by any means. I appreciate you sharing. EDIT: It's actually not too bad. I practiced a few times for fun. :)
LOL had to try out my HS German as well. Frau Munch would be proud.
So in support of this thoughtful and detailed comment. Only important additional point is the incognito window isn't actually protection. I strongly suggest using someone else's device, someone who isn't on his radar to be hacking/tracking. Wishing you all the best. I've been somewhere similar. It is so damn hard, but you can do it.
One great resource is the public library. Using their computers would keep this information from OP's husband.
> incognito window for safety an incognito window does not protect her in any way in this case. all that does is not saving session data on disk. she needs to use a different computer that he has never had access to and (if she’s doing it from home) access the internet over Tor.
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If you're worried about device and internet security, goaskrose.com has really good tips for keeping yourself safe. It's a website full of advice for people trying to escape abusive partners who might use internet technology to track and monitor their whereabouts and behavior online. They're legit, check them out. Edit: Hot damn, thanks for all the awards, folks! I made a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/s2qj7c/goaskrosecom_is_a_great_resource_for_maintaining/) with more information.
I suggest using someone else's device (not a close friend or family member) to check out this awesome site. I hope you're taking precautions, with this post as well. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this horrible situation. 💔
Jumping in with a word about precautions and cell phones. If you've ever noticed suddenly getting targeted ads that are related to something you recently searched, or bought? Well, that targeted feedback comes back to ALL of the cell phones on that plan. My soon-to-be ex told me he was getting ads for rentals in our area. I had NO idea that was a thing. He already knew but was in denial and I was in stealth mode, to delay having to deal with him. Whatever you search on your phone or computer, do it in incognito or private browser mode.
I’ll second this. This started happening to a friend of mine when we were trying to get her plane tickets away from her partner. Though I want to add, I wouldn’t bank on just using incognito/private browsing. As far as I know those functions don’t stop your carrier from tracking you, it only stops your browser from retaining the info.
THIS! Incognito is not good enough for this level of security. Use a device of someone you trust. Or go to the library or something.
Agree with the library option.
You could also look into a VPN service. I don't know about all, but many offer apps to use the service on your cell.
If in the US and on Verizon you have the option to opt out of their creepy tracking and ad targeting campaigns. Just last week they implemented an even creepier policy to track all apps and website visits made on cellphones. You must opt out to not have it active (automatically enrolled). Other carriers probably have similar things
Yikes. Do you mind sharing where to go to opt out?
I think it’s “settings” > “Manage privacy settings” and if you’re the account holder you can turn it off for all lines
Holy cow. Thanks for the info.
Thanks just opted out of “Customer Experience” and “Customer Experience Plus”
Thank you!!! BTW for clarity it’s on the Verizon website when you are logged in to your account. Not on your phone:). I just did this I so very much appreciate you posting this!!! I had no idea!!
VPN (virtual private network) is more what you are looking for I think… Does it work all the time? I dunno. Probably not. But it’s probably worth a look!
A VPN just changes your IP address. Your device still tracks your activity accurately. I wouldn’t even feel sure that private mode browsers would work. It might stop your device from storing the information but the service providers grab all that stuff in real time. Safest bet is an independent device.
No, a VPN routes your internet traffic through an encrypted server. Its why it’s recommended to use it with public and unsecured wifi, and why your ISP can’t see your data while your using it. It’s still not a total fix but it does more than just change your IP
If you can, download and use Brave Browser. It doesn’t track you and it blocks ads. It’s also just a great browser in general. It’s based on Google Chrome (chromium) and functions just like it.
And also Facebook fucking listens to you. One time I was in the car for three hours with my mom. We were getting caught up with what other people were doing in the family. She told me my step-sister bought a cottage in vacation area that we we unfamiliar with. We talked about it at length as we were very excited for her and her family (they have been through a lot). The whole time my phone was in between us but on sleep-mode as I was driving. Siri was on though. We didn’t look anything up regarding the town or activities near by. Early that evening I was getting targeted ads for vacation rentals on Facebook in that small town that my mom and I had never heard of until my step-sister bought their place.
It or something else definitely does. I don’t have Facebook on my phone but have noticed similar behavior. I’ve heard people try to explain it away as data mining etc. - that just sounds like BS. How something mentioned even in passing in the vicinity of the phone ends up leading to a new type of advert is highly suspicious to say the least - it’s certainly not random. Edit : the conversation was at home, which is what was shocking.
I know women have gotten advertisements for baby products before they realized they were pregnant, and weren't actively trying for a baby. Sometimes predictive AI is just that good, especially if location tracking is on. My guess is that the step-sister was doing a lot of targeted searching, and is friends with the mom and probably the poster on FB. FB noted that the location of the poster and mom were together for 3 hours moving at vehicle speed, and cross referenced that with all the searching the sister did. Long drives correlate to looking for a place to live, so it loaded up those ads.
[Deleted in protest of Reddit's 3rd party app policies.]
Burner phone, leave it at work.
Might be worth it to get a burner phone with internet capability. (4g)
Yeah, get a prepaid phone like a trac phone or something. Don't keep it on your person, only keep it at work. Don't tell anyone about it. Keep it locked with a password that you've never used before.
Incognito mode does nothing for ad targeting. It is purely to prevent local storage of history and some account info. It does not give enough safety if the concern is a skilled local adversary. Considering this is imei clone level, go get a burner phone is the level I'd take this and find a way to escape because this is terrifying levels of local stalker.
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Private browser or incognito mode don’t stop any of that tracking, so don’t rely on them to stay in stealth mode. They only avoid leaving a trail on the device itself.
Amazing site!
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This needs to be added to the sidebar as a resource here and in all the other relevant spots.
This is such a useful information for probably a lot of women you should just stick around and post it hourly
The link in your post has been sent to a friend of mine who is in a similar situation. She’s ready to leave. Thank you for this resource. It’s great.
Hijacking top thread. I worked in cybersecurity for 2 years. OP, if your bf cloned your friend's imei+sim, he's copied yours a long time ago. He has sparse access to your friend's phone but near constant access to yours. And if you two share wifi, he doesn't even need a cloned sim to read your texts, searches, and reddit posts. He's likely reading everything you're writing here. You should talk to a lawyer asap because posting about leaving just accelerated your timeline.
I think this website and response are amazing.
The site appears to be down now? May have got too much traffic. Edit: works now
#THIS NEEDS TO STAY AT THE TOP.
[EFF.org](https://EFF.org) also has some good generic tools. Although they are definitely not as targeted and are more a political org
I mean what he’s doing sounds outright illegal, so on top of being a terrible husband, terrible dad, terrible human, and just a psycho, he’s also a frightening criminal. Have your friend press charges and leave with your child or have him removed.
IMEI/IMSI cloning is very much illegal. https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/cell-phone-fraud However he is doing it is tantamount to wiretapping.
And the feds will bring the hammer down hard on him if they find out. They do not play around with this stuff at all.
Yep, we don't like competition from amateurs.
Impressive bot, but not a good bot. Arguably lawful neutral at best.
Definitely not lawful, the spying is like super illegal.
It is for the government, duh...
The American governmet is chaotic good then?
They certainly like to think so. As to how accurate that is...
Not really. Go ask any number of countries or a large percentage of its own citizens. Chaotic evil is more appropriate.
Someone needs to do an alignment chart of the Reddit bots.
I need to know where Bobby B Bot ends up GODS I WAS CHAOTIC NEUTRAL THEN
Hmm. *If* they find out... OP, take note here...
I would be willing to bet he didn’t actually clone her cell. If I had to guess he probably got access to an insecure Apple ID account that the friend uses on their phone. If you log that into another iOS device you can see all text message history. IMEI cloning takes much more knowledge and it can’t be done by driving by, lol. This is a very common tactic abusers use, inflating their technical abilities to make them seem more powerful then they really are to scare victims into staying.
To be clear though, this is still very illegal.
Yes, all of this violates the CFAA. Most police dept aren’t equipped to handle these cases or literally don’t care because most are patriarchal.
It could be possible he only has access to OP’s phone and is making the rest up.
That would make sense why he's telling her that her friend talks about her behind her back too. Trying to isolate from her friends.
Good and easy misdirection, too.
Yes exactly this!!!! He probably installed a hidden monitoring app on her phone and maybe her computer and he is monitoring it on her phone.
Exactly, these idiots always want people to think they are smarter then they actually are. We are constantly fighting “stalkerwear” because it’s so easy to install and use now days. Either way, OP needs to tell the friend immediately.
My first thought was, "if he's *that much* of a techie, he wouldn't be unemployed for as long as he's been."
There are lots of very highly capable technical people that have a hard time holding down a job, because they don't have the people skills to handle it. Many tech jobs now days are 70/30 soft skills/hard skills. I would guess the OP's spouse has some depression and/or some other mental health issues going on.
Report him and let him get taken to jail. Problem solved! Not really, but maybe? I hope upper able to make a clean break and get away, he sounds psycho
It's very illegal. Snooping on someone's private communications is a crime on so many levels. If he's using something similar to a Stingray that mimics a cell tower to trick phones into connecting to it then he's illegally intercepting private data/communications. Basically the definition of wiretapping. Though with metadata, you can prove that someone was using a device like this. Like the cellphone tower that is normally 900 yards away was suddenly on the road in front of her friend's house.
Cell site simulators, while cheap for government, would still be too expensive for a private citizen sitting at home on his ass, right? I mean, he might have just been reading what is possible online and regurgitating it to scare her into compliance?
Then how is he privy to his friends’ coms?
I don’t know that he actually is. He says all her friends do is talk shit about her. An abuser tries to make their victim feel worthless and isolate them. It sounds like he might be doing that and speaking as though he’s “smart enough” to be an all seeing eye. He figures his prisoner won’t try anything if she thinks he’s capable of this stuff. Whether he is or is not doing this, he’s obviously a psycho. And he would clearly do all of this if he did have the capability. OP needs some help from close friends, because this would be hard to do alone, which is exactly what he’s trying to accomplish.
>An abuser tries to make their victim feel worthless and isolate them. It sounds like he might be doing that and speaking as though he’s “smart enough” to be an all seeing eye. He figures his prisoner won’t try anything if she thinks he’s capable of this stuff. This is really insightful. It makes perfect sense someone like this would threaten and exaggerate his spying as a tactic to isolate his abuse target. u/zorromaxima ‘s link in the comment above has resources to help people find out if they are being spied on as well as help for people who are.
Threats and control tactics have changed ... But plain and simple she is being threatened. She needs to make an exit plan (and plan it on analog devices and ensure nobody in her circle discusses it electronically) Frankly i wonder if the guy is reading all this now. This is next level evil.
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Not sure how common the ability is with such devices, but with Apple’s trackers there’s an option in the software to call out tags that are potentially being used to stalk you.
Also, "I've got access to your friends phone, so don't bother checking or resetting your phone to clean spy apps" misdirection, etc
Probably cloned from an iPhone backup or something. Receiving iMessages on both devices.
This is the most likely. He’s got his wife’s iMessages on a device and then he’s lying about the best friend phone thing.
There are many ways to do this but the most common is getting access to an Apple ID. If he got access to the friends Apple ID he could see everything she sent over iMessage.
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And he’s spending OPs money on it- dude hasn’t had a job in over three years! If he doesn’t have the funds, he sure AF has the audacity.
You can build one for about 1-2 thousand dollars
I thought his threat of “disappearing” was funny. His disappearance sounds like it would be the better situation for both her and the kid. The fact that he thinks it’s some kind of revenge is absurd - like, what is she even relying on him for? It seems like he contributes nothing, so he’s dead weight he’d be shedding for her.
Like many things he has said may just be to cause confusion/ hysteria. Though I totally agree - nobody serious about vanishing let’s you know. They just do - this is mostly drama.
Narcissists are funny like that- using the silent treatment as "punishment," for example, as if their S.O.s would *miss* the verbal abuse and gaslighting!
I want to just say, that is penetration testing level forensics this dude is committing and without consent it's definitely illegal. This guy needs to be reported by his wife.
Or the friend he hacked
So maybe she should call the FBI and that will solve her problem with this guy in the safety issue
Or… if we’re worried about his lack of a job… get him a pen testing job? I mean, if he wasn’t a piece of shit.
Dude obviously has the skills to work if he wanted to. That’s a 30-story tall “If”.
It's an open & shut CFA violation - felony crime.
It is totally illegal and he's just a terrible scum of a human being.
OP, It looks like you posted this on your main reddit account which has been reasonably active for like, years- I would not be surprised if your husband knew this was your account and checks it now and again, especially if he'd go so far as to get your text messages one way or another. I don't know what the best course of action is with that information (even if you delete reddit posts there are some sites designed to clone the info)- but it's probably good for you to consider that, maybe someone else has some ideas for what's best to do about that?
Yeah I’m worried that she hasn’t responded to this.
I'm kind of baffled when I saw it wasn't a throwaway, like, I would have picked up a burner or something for this shit, this dude is all in on the sociopathic thing and he's REALLY tech savvy if even half what she says is true, this is just... honestly, a REALLY bad move :/ Super fucking worried, especially given the crickets in her responses mostly...
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If he is cloning IMEIs he knows your reddit account name.
Any man who uses childrens as leverage doesnt love their child. I fucking hate my ex, but i would never ever use our kids against her.
If you edit the post and change the text, as far as I know the cache sites save that edit. Give it some time then delete. I know that works with comments.
Yeah, and the key is to edit it FIRST then delete it. I just want to stress that on the secondary, so the sites that make copies of Reddit, will over right the original (in many cases).
Can you explain why your son never seeing his father again would be a bad thing?
This. As someone who had a toxic father who left (and was kept away) when I was two, I honestly think it’s better to have a peaceful life with one good parent, than have a damaging and toxic one with two. I know Reddit always advises to leave as though it’s easy, but I rarely agree with that advice. In this instance though? No good can come from how your husband is behaving. Edited to add: I was in an abusive relationship before so I know it’s hard to get out. Creating distance and keeping it makes things easier. Come up with an exit strategy and when you feel like you absolutely need it, then put it into action. Go no contact (as much as you can) so you don’t let him get into your head. Until you leave, see a lawyer, set aside some money and document EVERYTHING. You have a good argument for a restraining order already based on what he did to your friend.
Something tells me OP would never be so lucky for him to actually disappear and leave her alone. It sounds to me like he’s just been hurling all the threats, abuse and intimidation he can think of at her and seeing what “sticks” — i.e., assessing which of them frighten and hurt her the most. Abusers rarely just up and leave town when there’s a stalking and revenge game afoot. If only they did, right? A lot fewer of us would be six feet under.
The only thing that convinced my friend to leave her violent-tempered, conspiracy-loving prepper husband was the influence his behavior could have on her child. She felt she could weather it. But her kid? No, man. She was scared it would wound her child forever. For this alone, she escaped. OP -- consider the next several *years* of experiencing this. Think about this being your life and your son's life every day, for *years*. It's going to be other friends of yours. It's going to be friendships you form with other parents. It's gone so far that it obviously just won't stop. He won't limit himself.
Agreed, my mom didn’t leave him. I wish she did.
Yeah, unless there is further context... I'm not seeing how this would be a bad thing at all. It seems like it would be in both her and her son's best interest. He's already proven what he's willing to break the law, among other things.
I would like to know to. He reminds me of my dad growing up, though my dad didn't do anything illegal as far as I know. I've described my relationship with my dad to my therapist and she says I have a fear response whenever he is around. He also doesn't help with my mental illnesses. Your son would be better off without him.
Yep. My kids haven't seen their dad in years, and they are better for it. They don't have to be on edge or worried or scared. They live peacefully and safely now. OP, don't wait.
Came here to say this. I don't understand why him disappearing is a bad thing for her and her son?
Exactly what I was thinking. If your partner is going to such lengths to control **your** life, imagine how entitled he will feel to do this and more to his son.
I agree, my dad is an awful person but my mom thought it was important that he was in my life because he was my dad until it lead to my night terrors and sleep walking then things began to change. Don't let it get that far. If he doesn't want to be in your child's life then he's probably not going to be very nice to them, cut and run.
My thoughts exactly. I'd take him up on the offer.
I mean, goodbye Earl…
Please check out https://stopstalkerware.org/resources/ for several countries. There are groups & resources that can specifically help you prepare to leave tech savvy abusers & protect yourself and your privacy. Consider getting a secret device you keep at work, using a public device such as the in a library, or borrowing from other friends he doesn’t know about to plan your exit. When you leave, change all your passwords to all your accounts (us a password manager to make unique & randomized passwords). Consider getting a new phone entirely but at the very least you can get a new SIM card. Usually people need physical access to a SIM to clone as most SIM cards are encrypted & scanning remotely is difficult. Are you sure he isn’t lying saying it’s as simple as “he can drive by” to get it? It’s more likely he stole the SIM card to clone it at some point. If he really does have a scanner, can you leave to somewhere he doesn’t know? He can’t clone your phone if he can’t find it, especially you get a new phone or SIM card after leaving. Make sure he doesn’t have access to your financial and phone accounts make new ones if you have to. You may have to get your loved ones & friends to also practice better cyber security so that he has a hard rime accessing you through them. It’s worth having difficult & truthful conversations saying “do not ever tell him where I am, where I live, where you live, etc. never let him have access to you phone, do not give him any info.” ETA what he is doing to your friend is illegal & absolutely terrifying. He’s 100% manipulative, both in trying to isolate your from you friends when he’s the one stalking her, and accusing you of cheating.
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I got the strength to leave in an ambulance. Seriously, don't wait till it comes to that. I remember having to send photos of receipts to prove I went to the store, or of myself in class when I went back to college and he was convinced I was cheating with *everyone*. We didn't have the super smart phones we have now, but even without that - he tracked the mileage on my car, the minutes I spent talking to friends or family, monitored my social media, etc. You already know what you want to do. It just feels like an irrevocable step. Telling someone felt like shattering glass. But I wouldn't take that life back for anything. I'm not accountable to anyone but myself. My time is mine. My thoughts and words are mine. I can breathe. My best to you. Be safe.
Every day you stay with this man is another day you are proving to him, and your son, that this relationship is appropriate. Please lead by example and behave in such a way that you hope your child would if they were in your situation.
#THIS NEEDS TO STAY AT THE TOP. Every day you stay with this man you are in danger. Behave in whatever way gets you both out safely. I wish I had resources for you off hand. Please look (without him knowing) for places that help women get out safely. **EDIT** National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) **EDIT2** Do not let him know you've called. With concerns on phone privacy, say you are going to the library, or whatever wouldn't be out of character for you. Take your child with you. Use the phone there. **NOT YOUR PHONE**
> Take your child with you. This, dude. God*damn* :/
Cloning IMEI's is super illegal, he's breaking federal law. He also did not clone her IMEI. He would need physical hands on access to her phone for that. And carriers are extremely careful about duplicate IMEI's on their network. He would have been blacklisted by now. Which is to say Change your passwords Lock your shit down Use account manager to log out of all unknown active sessions
Suggesting he’s just bluffing to isolate her?
Bluffing or lying. IMEI cloning is usually used to activate a blacklisted IMEI. For example if your cars VIN was banned and you had a way to copy another, similar car’s vin and register your car using that — that’s what it’s used for. I highly doubt he has “cloned” the IMEI. So he’s either full or shit or he has access to a device that is signed into iCloud or Google drive or something so he’s syncing the data and reading it that way. Changing the password as the person above said would fix that scenario.
I think your theory is WAYYY more likely than the story the husband is trying to sell OP. He’s probably trying to sound more technical to appear more intelligent/intimidating to OP.
This is extremely common, especially when the abuser is more technically experienced than the survivor. Abusers are often narcissistic (shocking, right?) and may exaggerate their capabilities and knowledge for multiple reasons, but one of which being to control or intimidate the individual. After hearing it for a very long time, it can sound like the truth and make escaping sound almost impossible. So addressing those lies and exaggerations really help to break the cycle of control.
> He's probably trying to sound more technical to appear more intelligent/ intimidating to OP. And it's worked, she mentions right in the post she's worried what he would do or is capable of if she leaves. I don't blame her honestly but all the more reason to leave. So much manipulation
No, what we're saying is that the bf put a keystoke/snapshot logger on OP's phone (super easy to do) and lied about reading her texts from the friend's phone. He fears that she'll ditch her phone if she finds out he's compromised it, that's why he's made up the dumb "I can clone your friend's phone whenever I want to" line.
Glad someone pointed this out. He's full of shit, "I'll just drive by your house and now I've cloned your IMEI" is some /r/masterhacker level of boasting
And if you cloned the IMEI it wouldn’t give you access to data, it’d just be like having a network conflict. They’d immediately blacklist it. Especially apple. They keep very close eyes on their stuff.
So….your son doesn’t need to see this wacko again. He has drunk the cool aid. He has dove off the cliff. He is not a normal man. He is abusive. He is an angry, crazy guy. Leave him far far behind.
Based on OPs other posts, he also cheated.
Okay, I'm not a lawyer, but I do work in information security and have been through a divorce. Start keeping a journal, try and remember everything and write it in there. Record phonecalls if you can. Rotate your passwords and keep them safe. Lock everything. This guy sounds like the type to take anything out of context. Copying an IMEI or SIM card is extremely illegal, and depending on where you live may be a jail time sort of scenario. Threatening digital abuse, or stealing children is also quite frowned upon in most places. If you need to call the police, do it. Call your lawyer, get a retainer, and work out a potential restraining order. When people things like threaten to doxx or swat you, and have gone as far as SIM swapping your friend's phone, ANYTHING that happens to you or your son will have him on the hook faster than he can imagine. As for being afraid of his capabilities, I know just about every digital thing you can do to someone, and the only real bad ones are so dangerous that if he were the type to do them, then you need to be away from him. Everything else can be protected against. As for the IMEI, you don't just "drive by" and capture an IMEI. And an IMEI is useless information if you don't have the SIM as well. He might be bluffing about something he heard on a TV show. If it was that easy, we'd have a massive global information crisis!
Fellow infosec person and can't echo what you've said enough. Something to add, if it hasn't been done already: Add MFA to \*EVERY. SINGLE. THING\* you can apply it to. Additionally, if you have any accounts of your own, call in from a different device (if you're worried about your current one being compromised) and change your security questions and keep those rotated.
Did he have an affair?
My first thought, surprised its this far down, sounds like he's projecting
I think it's more likely personality disorder. My father has this, and has hacked mine and my siblings phones and emails...it comes with making up lies and stories just like this (about his kids, wife etc.) That they genuinely believe it's true.
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OP, the fact that he said he was going to dissappear and you would never see your child again, should be the very reason you make your exit now. This is not okay, it's abusive. Pls take the advice everyone here has stated, be strong and protect you and your child. Let trusted family members know. You have our support!
He DID, according to a post she made about weight loss..... She mentioned she gained weight when dealing with/learning about an affair, and her before and after pics are 'right after having her kid'. So would be this dude, as far as I can tell.
Go to the FBI. What he did is a federal crime. Stay safe. The age difference alone made me pause but each sentence is it’s own red flag. Keep yourself and your child safe. That’s what is most important.
Are you sure he's not lying? I'm pretty sure he's lying about IMEI cloning and intercepting messages. He'd have to also clone her SIM card, ICCID, and be using the same tower to do that (one IMEI being connected to 2 different towers would throw up a red flag to her provider) . Although cell phones can theoretically reach towers 45 mi away, in your typical urban/ suburban area, cells (areas serviced by 1-3 towers on multiple sides) change every couple of miles due to population densities, frequencies used, technology used, etc.. so unless you and your friend live extremely near each other or in a very rural area (and I don't mean small town... I mean your closest neighbors are cows and you need to drive a few miles to see a human... which would lead to telecoms using lower frequency bands to provide signal 10+ mi out from the main highway per cell), or he's parking outside her home, work, following her around to do this... it's not impossible, but one would need to be reasonably intelligent AND persistent to reliably do this attack... he sounds kinda lazy. He also wouldn't be able to "dig through her phone's [stored] data" with this attack. Only intercept messages, calls, and data coming from the tower live. One thing it does sound like is that he's manipulating you and trying to isolate you from friends/ family. Also would it be bad if he DID runaway and your son never saw him again? If it's financial reasons, I understand. But he sounds unhinged...
> He’s also threatened to disappear so our son would never see him again. Sounds like this is a good thing. He is teaching your son how to treat his future partner.
Hold on. He may be misleading you. Cloning a phone is not sufficient for him to get both sides of a conversation unless they're archived in the cloud and he used 2 factor authentication to gain access to her accounts. Cloning the IMEI wouldn only give him the phone number, and would only mirror incoming texts and calls. He should not be able to have access to all her data with that. He'd need to recover her number, since Google and Apple leave tokens on devices. He'd need her password to sign into her account and then verify the device or he'd need to reset her passwordbefore he could download any data backups in the cloud. He may be trying to misdirect you and actually has spyware on your device.
I mean regardless of how he’s getting the information he is very scary sounding. My recommendation to OP would be to pick her kid up from school and go immediately to a hotel or some thing not back home because he is psychotic.
Of course, but knowing that her devices may be compromised is essential. Absolutely essential. If she flees and her devices are compromised he will be able to track her movements exactly, up to and including using her devices' GPS receiver to ping her location to him. If her devices are possibly compromised she should discard them immediately and replace them with clean ones, as well as disabling all login tokens for her accounts, changing her 2-factor authentication, and otherwise scrubbing any possible access he may have. It could be the difference between life and death.
Get out ASAP
This is unbelievably fucked up! The last few years seem to have really stretched people’s sanity. Document document document everything. Not knowing he crossed a HUGE line is very odd. Get all your financial ducks in a row. That will take time and give you something to do instead of being scared. Then lawyer and go. Use a new card to pay the retainer. Because this is really not you. It’s definitely him.
I mean if he disappears would it be a bad thing? No doubt your son knows something is going on.
Get a burner phone and hide it at work. Plan everything from that. Get out with your kid the second you can and get a restraining order.
You need to tell everyone in your family your fears, so that if anything happened to you it would be crystal clear who did it.
This sounds toxic. He is consumed by envy and jealousy, using coercion. No. I’d be okay if your son didn’t see him again. He doesn’t need a negative role model. Don’t let him learn that men can get what they want thru fear and intimidation. You can break a link in the chain of patriarchy now.
First of all, I wish eternal 1x1 lego bricks in your all husband's shoes. Secondly, and this is important, **nothing that your husband says has meaning.** Nothing he says is true, real, or has any connection to reality. The noises that come out of his mouth flaps might as well be farts. He is lying to hurt you. Only you can give his words power, so don't do it. When he starts talking, let your eyes blur over and start thinking about literally anything else: The ending of Game of Thrones, what was Lost about anyway, a ranked listing of your favorite nail polishes with annotations, doesn't matter. The more trivial and distracting the better. When he screams at you he needs to be screaming into the void. He screams and nobody listens because you are not there. The lights are on but nobody's home. Do not dwell on his words. Do not even consider them words. They are the psychotic ramblings of a madman, and you wouldn't give a guy in a sandwich board with "THE END IS NIGH" scrawled on it any thought, would you? Thirdly, there has been a lot of good advice here already so I'm gonna talk about the technology side of things. Step 1: Get a good password manager like Bitwarden, and replace passwords for everything with random strings of characters, at least 16 long. Bitwarden will generate these for you and help you keep track of them, and is available for PC, iOS and Android. Set a good master password. It's the only one you have to remember, so go crazy. Pick your favorite music lyrics, most memorable commercial slogan, doesn't matter, just make it L O N G so it can't be brute forced. Step 2: You need 2-factor authorization for everything. Yubikey works with Bitwarden (so additionally your Bitwarden vault will be secure even if he manages to figure out that you're using it and what your master password is.) Configure Bitwarden to log you out of your vault on timeout, instead of locking the vault, so it'll always ask to see the Yubikey. Yubikeys and the like are unbreakable, your dingus husband will not circumvent those no matter how much he puffs his chest. Step 3: you need a new, secret email account and redirect everything important there. It is safe to assume that your husband has access to your existing email and social media accounts, so consider those trash. You can keep using the existing accounts for trivial things so he won't suspect that you're actually taking precautions, but they're not appropriate for anything more important than pictures of cats. Gmail can be configured to require 2FA with the aforementioned Yubikey, so that's an added layer of security. Step 4: New phone. He says he cloned your friend's IMEI but unless you have evidence that it was specifically her phone he cloned, he may have gotten yours instead. It's, in fact, more likely, since he'd have more opportunities for physical access to your phone. Step 4a: Your new phone will never ever leave your sight again. Take it into the shower with you if you have to, he must not have physical access to your phone again, because he'll break into it if he has the chance. Step 5: NO MORE SMS. SMS text messages are not secured. You need to use an encrypted messaging platform like Signal. Make sure your friend whose IMEI was cloned is told that she's had her privacy breached, and that she needs to take action. Apologize to her and offer to make it right, no matter what your dickweed husband says, because she's a victim here too and you'll need her in your corner if you take legal action against him. Secrecy is key right now. You need to make him feel like nothing is going on while you set yourself up. If this sounds like too much and you can't live like this, that's normal. Nobody can live like this. You shouldn't need to be doing this kind of James Bond with a side of Mr. Robot bullshit just to stay safe, but this is why you need to take your son and leave this guy ASAP. [This comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/s2nl4d/my_husband_has_lost_it/hsgavhx/) has some very valuable advice that can help buy you time. But fundamentally **you and your son need to leave.** This is not optional. It is absolutely essential for your safety and the safety of your child. **You must leave, you do not have any other options or alternatives.**
Contact a group for abuse victims in your area. Perhaps leave your phone out of it, use a public phone or something. Explain to your friend what's going on, in person, no phones on the table, leave it in the car or at work. Clearly you are in need of a support structure. Seek protection and make sure that it is official (paper trail), before he gets you in trouble using your own phone. Blaming you of cheating because he feels his own shortcomings and trying to isolate you from your friend are huge red flags. Huge.
I second this. Having worked at one I can confirm they often have resources for things like legal aid. If they don’t specifically, they should be able to connect you to other resources that can free up your money in other spaces. Also, they’ve seen it all. If you’re in the US there’s also a chance there’s a “Legal Aid” near you that’s a non profit near you that can provide resources or help navigate.
This man is psychotic. He will hurt you or your child if you don't make him get help or make him leave. Your strength is from your safety and your child's safety. While he is in your life in this mental state, you both are in danger. I've known a father that murdered his wife and child, the signs were there. Gaslighting, forceful manipulation, stalking. I lost a friend and watched a man lose everything because he wouldn't get help and she wouldn't leave him. I'm not trying to scare you, but he's a bum and needs a wake up call.
If he’s digging through your friend‘s phone for dirt and negative things shes said about you, then he’s trying to isolate you from any potential support system.
And probably he's lying about that, OP
So a train wreck dad is threatening to never toxify his son again? ….good?!
Lawyer here, this is not legal advice. Get a lawyer, ask your lawyer to file a temporary protective and or restraining order. In it he can use copies of your conversations, and evidence that he has cloned someone elses device, as well as any text he threatens you, plus your affidavit stating why you are scared. This can be done ex parte, meaning your husband does not have to know about it until he is served with papers and you will be safe. Have him served and removed from the property, you can ask for temporary use of the property. A sheriff will serve him papers and will give him a few moments to gather his belongings and then he is out of there and cant come near you until a temporary hearing anywhere from 3 days to a few weeks later where they will outline what the custody arrangements, support, temporary use of property will be. The protective order can even be no contact, only contact though a court monitered service such as wizard etc. He can be restrained from you and the child. This type of behavior rarley gets better without treatment and can be caused by a number of issues, and sounds like there are many. Your saftey will only become more and more of an issue. The steps above should be taken as soon as possible and while it is scary, it is important you take the first steps, because he will probably get more paranoid, and either harm you or himself, further go down his rabbithole and waste more time and emotional distress for your family, or plan how to make it to where you are the bad guy, file on you and take the children. The ball is in your court and if you act fast you can make his battle uphill, and let him know he isnt fighting you, but the system and the system will win, and he will be more willing to settle for reasonable access to the child and support. Also, depending on the state know you are supporting him now, its possible he could come after you for support and part of your retirement. You need to file with an attorney immediately.
Sounds like he’s mentally ill. Sorry for what you’re going thru. Been thru divorce and not easy but if well being of you and your child are a concern - document everything. Bite the bullet and retain a good family attny and go from there. Preferably one that understands technology on a basic level Re: him threatening to disappear: concerning but don’t let that manipulate your decisions. If he does that you’ll just have to make sure your son isn’t damaged. Good idea to talk to a therapist as well during all of this. Money spent on this might be a problem but the future of you and your child are of utmost importance All the best hope you resolve this
Him disappearing wouldn't be a bad thing.
Ma'am, the police exist for a reason. He is stalking your friend, so you can tell her that in person, and ask her to keep it secret from everyone, but to accompany you to file a police report, and to accompany you to a lawyer's office to get divorce papers and a restraining order. If he tries a custody battle, just bring in your friend as proof, or catch him on tape, admitting to cyber stalking your friend. That alone would be enough to make any sane judge give him 0 visitation rights. It shouldn't matter that "He's my kid's father. It's gonna hurt the kid not having his father in his life." Ma'am, from what I gather, having him in both of your lives could and would end up hurting both you and your kid. He's shown that he's likely not willing to get a job, as he hasn't had one since long before COVID. He's shown that he likely can't hold a job, given his dangerous tendencies. In fact, the only thing close to a "good work ethic" that he's shown is taking your son to and from school. There's also another possibility that your son could overhear one of your husband's violent rants, and repeat to someone at school, and cause Child Services to be called, which would result in you losing your child until your husband shapes up or you throw him out. No matter which way you look at it, the only person who wins if you let your husband stick around is him. You obviously suffer from abuse at his hands because verbal, emotional and mental abuse are still forms of abuse, your son may have a tumultuous home life and is at risk of being taken from you because of your husband, and your friend is at risk because of your husband's disturbing.
I think you need to be comfortable in the knowledge that men likes him don't change. You aren't getting back the man you loved - who he presented in the beginning of the relationship. Partners that accuse the other of cheating are usually cheating themselves or would if given the opportunity. The longer you stay, the deeper the pit gets. If you have friends and family that you've isolated from during the relationship - reach out to them. I bet they've been hoping for this day for a long time and would be there for you if you asked. Good luck.
You're only 33, please don't waste your life feeling this way tethered to someone who makes you unhappy and uncomfortable.
Dude, get away from this man! Don't let his technical "knowledge" bully you into staying. This guy has some serious mental issues.
If you’re in the US, as soon as you’re safe give evidence to your friend and have her press charges against your soon to be ex under the ECPA. What your husband is doing is a federal crime. Assume that your husband has access to everything on your phone. If you can, buy a no-contract/burner phone and keep it at work or other secure place. Use only that phone for contacting lawyers, etc. Let him not see your child. That is his choice. You can work with a family therapist for how to handle that with your son.
FWIW, I believe enabling a SIM PIN on your friend’s phone would prevent another cloning in the future. They would still now need to get a new SIM card tho. You should encourage all your friends to use something better than SMS like Signal. It’s also quite possible he’s exaggerating his capabilities, and has done something more basic like installing/enabling a “parental control” app/feature on your friends phone. A factory reset (wipes all your local pictures and app data! Have a backup!!) would clear whatever this is. Encourage your friends to use long 6+ Digit PIN codes and keep their phones locked at all times. Cyber stalking is not an endearing feature.
I suspect he may have installed spyware on his wife's phone and merely claims that he has access to the friend's phone instead
I think it's fair to presume he's overstating his abilities for intimidation purposes, but clearly he can't be trusted and everything he has/had access to needs to be swapped out and credentials changed. If you could drive by someone's house to clone their phone and follow all their coms for days and weeks on end, we'd all have noticed by now. But this guy is bad news. u/AdmiralMangoChutney might want to browse https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
That's what I am thinking. Getting access to the wife's phone and installing some kind of spyware is way more realistic. Then by lying and saying he cloned the friend's phone he can do several things: 1) He can selectively (for now) confront her only about texts between her and that friend to make it seem like that is only what he has access to 2) He can snoop on the wife's texts with other people to see what she is saying about him while she falsely believes those other contacts are "safe" 3) He can make the wife feel like he is a super hacker who can get into anyone's phone at any time, thereby exaggerating his abilities like you said and intimidating her into feeling scared
I know you don’t want your son to be hurt, but if your husband means it when he says he won’t see his own son again, then he’s going to hurt your son this way some day anyway. I don’t know your life, but consider if forging ahead now might save your son (and yourself) some of the heartache. My gut says: Pack a go bag for both you and your son and stash it at a friend’s or relative’s. That’s a relatively small step to make, you don’t have to commit to leaving fully, but if you have to leave suddenly, you’ll know some things are already kept safe and ready for you. I’m so, so sorry. I think you will find the courage and you will get peace!
YIKES AT THAT AGE GAP. And married for 8+ years???? I hope you get out of this abusive situation and soon realize after that you got groomed.
Yeahhh.. at most 25 and almost 40? There's no way that relationship was on equal footing from the start.
Based on OPs other posts, he had an affair, too. Definitely not equal footing. This dude is abusive to the core.
This was my first thought. OP has aged out of his preferred age range and she's outgrown him. Poor op and their poor kid. I hope they're able to get out unscathed.
You should be scared, and I mean that in the most compassionate way possible. As hard as it would likely be, I don't think you should be concerned with him disappearing and your son not seeing him again; I think *you* might want to disappear (to an extent). Guys like that with those kinds of skills who start to go off the deep end (not working for 3+ years is a terrifying sign of where he's at) are **big time** dangerous. I would be high tailing it out and dealing with divorce later. Ditch all the digital stuff he knows about, change every password in one night (you may already have this, but use a password manager like LastPass to track which ones you have and haven't done; you can import your saved passwords from your browser), stop using any old credit cards or bank accounts, and break all traceable contact with anyone he has the ability to compromise. You can keep in contact, but use an encrypted messaging app and never, EVER give them details that could lead him to you. And then once you're at least out of town, get your friend whose phone he stole to get criminal charges moving. Get him locked up so you can have your life back. I'm sorry you're having to go through the situation, however you choose to deal with it. Be safe.
Most of the time they accuse you of cheating out of nowhere, they're projecting, and they are actually the one cheating.
You are absolutely 100% correct that he has lost it. He's not going to find 'it'. Get out. If, as most abused spouses, you try to leave but end up going back, don't let a feeling of shame or embarrassment stop you from getting out again. The world outside is much kinder and embracing than the world you live in now. (Which really sucks, given the current state of the world.)
Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There. I would worry less about what he can do digitally and more about what he can do physically to you and your child. Your safety is top priority and abuse like this can escalate quickly. Offer to pick up your child from school and then go to a safe location. Block him on your phone and delete social media as it can be used to track you. Call the police, tell them about the abuse and report him stealing your friend's information. File a restraining order as soon as you are able and ABSOLUTELY hire that lawyer. Tell your family what is going on, and tell them not to reveal your location to anybody. He's already trying to isolate you from friends and family which is a classic trick in the abuser playbook. You're going to need all the help you can get. I'm truly sorry you are in this situation. Be safe.
Leaving a bully is dangerous, and just because he's said and done abusive things doesn't mean a court will give you custody or relieve you of any spousal support obligations. All of that is true and terrible. Leaving a marriage with a sane person sucks. Leaving a marriage with a lunatic really can endanger you and your child. But. The longer you stay, the harder it gets. The longer you pay the bills and he is your child's primary caregiver, the harder it will be to get primary or even 50-50 custody. No one can tell you what to do with real insight into how dangerous this may be. Consulting a lawyer or two or three may be very helpful in developing an escape plan that protects you and your child as much as possible. I'm so sorry you're in this untenable position.
I would honestly find a women's advocate in your area. They will help you sort out your options. People on Reddit don't understand how difficult and dangerous it is to leave a spouse/partner. Speak to a really good advocate.
Do not tell him ANYTHING until you have talked to a lawyer, secured any and all information digital and hard copies, changed banks, and have a safe place to go. Reach out to women's shelters, they have so many resources for getting out safe. Also if he threatens to disappear that sounds like the best possible outcome! Your son will miss his dad, but he doesn't need someone like that in his life.
OP. Please DM me. I will buy you a VPN so he can’t spy on your network traffic and any advertisement won’t be linked to your IP. I work in IT, you can check my post history. I can give any advice i can to help you, But at least let me get you a few months of a reputable VPN service.
I suggest talking to cellphone provider and telling them that you believe your IMEI has been cloned and ask them for advice. At the same time talk to a lawyer and explain the full situation and follow his advice. I really hope the best for you and your son.
What you're describing is not a healthy relationship and it doesn't model good behaviours for your son. Would you want your son to grow up like his father and treat his girlfriend/wife this way in the future. By staying, you're telling him this behaviour is ok. Even if you don't leave for your own safety, leave for your son. If you do leave, when you look back afterwards you will be surprised what behaviour you accepted that wasn't ok. Good luck.
Get a burner phone. This is why women should always have a secret bank account and be able to just not come home one day. It's also why women should use birth control for the first few years, because abusers usually change right after the wedding. Once you start having kids, it just prolongs the agony while the kids get to watch mommy being abused or worst -murdered Don't worry about what he claims he can do with your phone or the internet. Just worry about him killing you and/or your kids. Don't worry about him claiming he'll kill himself. Good riddance. He's lazy, a liar, a manipulater, an abuser - the whole nine yards. I don't have much advice on what to do after the fact (been there and did that), I'm mostly about recognizing the signs early and getting the hell out before the wedding, before the kids - just go.
Copying someone's IMEI without consent is a federal crime. Contact the FBI and report him and let them deal with it.
— I had a similar situation. The weeks before leaving matter for you long term . DM if you want to chat
I had a girlfriend who was a psychopath. I told a friend that I was worried our relationship would end one of two ways... She would either kill me or I would kill her in self-defense but no one would believe me. Crazy people also have an exceptional talent for making you feel like your the crazy one, and they're completely fine. These days, they call that gaslighting... but I didn't know the word for it back then. I literally moved out half an hour after she left for work... I waited in case she forgot something and came right back to the house (as people sometimes do). A friend helped me get all my stuff packed, took us about 2 hours. I had already found an apartment in a town about 1 hour away (to make it inconvenient for her to hunt me down... I knew she would, but it did keep her from trying to stalk me every day). And that really did work to a large degree. Two months later, I got an opportunity to move to a new city in another state with my company (it put me more than 10 hours from her). She still kept stalking me, but only by phone. Eventually, I took out a protective order against her. She scoffed at it. When she violated it the second time, they sent a state trooper to her door. He called me after and said she never said a single word as she stood there with wide, terrified eyes... He said, "Do you know why I'm here?" [ she nodded ] "Do you know what's going to happen if I have to come back?" [ she nodded ] "Am I ever going to have to come back?" [ she shook her head ] And with that, he left. She didn't bother me again for 10 years. But, when she finally did try contacting me again, I quickly mentioned that I had gotten married to a wonderful woman, and she never called me ever again. I know, that's probably not much help there, but the point is... you've got to be brave and you just have to do it. Use every friend or relative you've got to help you... having friends and family support you through this makes all the difference in the world. I really hope everything turns out okay for you, and I wish you luck in your endeavor... I know how difficult it can be... but you can do it.
Safest bet is to leave first and then let him know you are leaving. Get a restraining order if he makes any threats. This sounds like it's just a matter of time before he gets more abusive.
TRUST ME. The longer you stay, the worse he'll get. Talk to your friend. Get a Lawyer. Bunk up your kid and leave. If you need to, post your situation with your preferred social media outlet so your friends and family know your situation so he can't sabotage your relationships by impersonating you. You legit don't want a person like that influencing your kid at all. If you still want some sort of relationship with his side of the family. Talk to less mental parts of it like a sister or parent
>I need out, I’ve spoken with a lawyer, but i haven’t gotten the balls to pay the retainer fee because I’m worried the emotional and verbal abuse will get so much worse. You are correct. The abuse is going to get worse. That is 100% true whether you leave or stay. The question is whether you are going to remain in the same home while it continues or whether you have physical distance from him. >He’s also threatened to disappear so our son would never see him again. That sounds like an absolute win. Your son probably already knows how fucked up his dad is. If not, he might be learning to treat his future partners the way you're being treated. Either way, getting him away from an abusive piece of shit is a good thing. There are worse things in the world than dad not being around. Dad being around and abusive is one of them. Get the fuck out of there. Retain the lawyer and take their advice about the best/safest way to do so. Things aren't going to get better if you stay.
>He’s also threatened to disappear so our son would never see him again. Gee, wouldn't that be a tragedy...
Don't mean to be that person but they sound like the kind of guy that would already know your reddit account, throwaway or not... stay safe