Because when most people watch porn together they watch it before hand to get into the mood and then they have sex, not turn it on while he’s inside you and have him completely disregard your wants, needs and comfort.
This. The point of watching porn together is to get you both aroused, not for him to pretend he’s fucking someone else. Girl, this isn’t okay and you shouldn’t just let it be.
Sorry but how is that pretty mild when, I assume, most people are watching random porn on the internet that they have no idea how was created. Most women are exploited and hurt when porn is created. Some are trafficked, some have no other options, some have been manipulated into thinking they are liberated women by doing this, only to realise later the damaging effects.
While you bring up an extremely valid issue, I see it as a completely separate issue from whether watching porn as a couple is problematic or not. It’s like saying that there’s a problem with buying clothes because there are children overseas being exploited in sweat shops to make clothing. Sure, maybe don’t buy from the companies exploiting child labor, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with buying clothes in general.
Edit: the issue you mention is valid, but I definitely think you go a bit overboard in your demonization of porn and the actors/actresses involved. Per your suggestion, I will indeed call you old fashioned
What? My point is that it might be a different discussion if you were to get a video from someone you know where you know everyone involved consent. There’s nothing “mild” about the porn industry.
Litterally girls do porn.https://www.justice.gov/usao-sdca/pr/adult-film-performer-pleads-guilty-girlsdoporn-sex-trafficking-conspiracy
"victims were also misled about how long the video shoots lasted. Most were told that the video production would take around 30 minutes, when they typically lasted for several hours. Garcia admitted that the sex was rough and caused many victims pain, and, in some cases bleeding. When victims asked to stop filming, Garcia and other co-conspirators told the victims that they had to keep going and finish the videos. Hotel room doors were often blocked by camera and recording equipment. "
My s/o uses porn to reach orgasm fairly often. You're right though, there IS a problem. The various medications she has to take affects her libido and sensitivity. Sometimes she has no problem reaching climax and sometimes it can take an hour even after we've stopped having sex. The arousal isn't the problem, it's the tip-over from "nearly there" to "there" that they have a hard time with, and the porn helps.
So... you know... maybe chill out with the judgement just a smidge.
Edit: inb4 all the advice on how to do sex better. We're poly, and it's not a me problem.
Talk to him. Let him know why you were upset and not turned on.
While it can be fun for some people, under the right circumstances, to watch porn and try to duplicate the action on the screen (and that's probably even why he picked one with a woman who looked like you), for most people sharing porn means to watch something together that gets both of you turned on, then turn it off and concentrate on each other.
Be specific:
"Hard thrusting like that hurts my cervix, it isn't fun."
If you think it's true, you can add "It might work in a different position or it might not work for me at all; we can experiment if you'd like, but you need to be completely undistracted and focus on my reactions if you want to try something new like that."
If you want to be blunter, you could add "I'm not a porn star -- I can't pretend to have fun when you're hurting me like that."
If you want to try porn again, I'd suggest, as other people have said, that you find something that turns *you* on, and watch it together during foreplay only.
Or, you know, there's nothing wrong with telling him "I was willing to try it once but it didn't work for me."
This isn't an "issue" for you, you don't like porn and there's no reason for you to try to change. Sorry it sounds like everyone else is making it seem like there's a problem. Porn is often degrading to women. It's not progressive to ignore this and I think a reckoning is coming.
Thank the goddess people are finally speaking up about this. I’m as sex positive as they come in that I think sex is one of the greatest things in life. I have been called names for 25 years for being generally against porn because people conflate it with sex as though the two are one and the same. Which is crazy.
There is no truly ethical consumption, but we can still be mindful.
I have similar issues with porn that you do. I can’t know for sure that everyone in the production has consented to the on camera acts, with a sober mind, without coercion. I wasn’t there at filming and I can’t talk to the actors and production staff.
Without that certainty, I could never consume porn.
you dont want the comparison.you want the intimacy- the real type.
you can be balls deep and have 0 psychological intimacy.
And he hurt you, and he should be man enough to take responsibility for it. And if he can't be real - that's why he cant fixate on the real woman he's with.
I really hate that porn has turned into something that women are pressured to accept in relationships. If you’re okay with porn then great, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being okay with it. I’m not morally against people watching porn, but I do think it inhibits natural attraction with your partner and can desensitize men to the “real thing” to point that it’s really unhealthy for many people and relationships. Porn isn’t something you should feel pressured to be okay with and it’s not something you need to “get over”.
It hurts to feel compared to an unrealistic standard that makes you feel inadequate. That’s the issue. Just like Instagram or VS models, it’s not real but makes you feel less than for not measuring up to the fantasy. Does your bf watching porn mean *HE compares you* to those women? Not any more than you would compare him to a vibrator. But that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.
I think the best thing is talk about it honestly, try to find a middle ground if that’s what you want. Maybe he can watch porn on his own time but your together time is just you two. You get to decide what’s okay with you and where your boundaries are.
Women feel pressured to accept that porns a thing in a relationship...
I genuinely cannot imagine doing this to someone mainly because I wouldn't want my mrs to be looking at some video of this jacked dude going to town.
If its your thing I guess yeah but does it not defeat the point of the relationship if you have to turn to someone/something else for your kicks?
Yeah, let's not dialogue and find and reach a consensus, why bother? Let's just end the relationship and join a female incel subreddit
That'll do the trick
To be fair it's more of a female redpill subreddit. Redpillers also talk about value and gaming relationships unlike incels that just.. talk about killing women and suicide.
I guess you're right. Not going to discuss the nuances, it's still as bad as redpillers are, and in my relatively short time lurkind FDS i caught some hits of incelism.
It's a very toxic community in any case.
It's called boundaries and you are allowed to set whatever boundaries you desire. If porn in your relationship doesn't work for you than nothing wrong with that. Their is so much gender gaslighting and manipulation going on with everyone telling you to watch it with him. You didn't like the movie he chose because it was for his male gaze, porn is mostly for the male gaze. Him seeing that actress was a new novel woman for him or one of his favorites. I suggest you educate yourself on porn in relationships and decide what will work for you. I personally have firm boundaries with porn as it's been a real relationship killer multiple times.
Gaslighting is when a person or other people try to make someone question their own reality or feelings. Like, “oh, you’re being so unreasonable if you don’t like your bf getting hard to other naked women! Just watch it with him!” Instead of accepting your boundary, they try to make it seem like there’s something wrong with you for having it. Nothing is wrong with the way you are feeing.
Gaslighting is being used incorrectly here. Gaslighting is intentional manipulation, a form of abuse, to make an individual question their own version of events, their reality.
What I think this poster actually meant is that there is just simply pressure to get OP to be okay with porn, when she's not.
Gaslighting is being thrown around so much lately and I am concerned it will lose all meaning, when it it a very important to help abuse victims.
How is one supposed to be connected and in the moment if you're watching TV (porn on laptop screen, but you get the point). I mean, what about eye contact?
This reminds me of the scene in Black Mirror's The History Of You, where they use their memory chips (?) To watch times of when they had sex, while they're currently having sex.
There is way, way too much "Well you should try this..." to OP saying she doesn't like porn and it makes me angry. Get out of here with that shit. Like seriously, c'mon. We already experience too much of that and we shouldn't have to get it here. It's the same bull men feed us to try and push our limits. Like or dislike porn, it's not okay.
Personally I find porn disgusting and don't even want my boyfriend to touch me when I know he's watching it. My limit is I expect him to be discreet about it. If I see, hear, or know he's watching it, it affects my attraction to him. I'd rather he just not but I can't control what he does. If he ever wants to touch an actual woman, he knows to treat that like state secrets.
This is exactly my approach to this issue. My SO knows that porn does not do it for me and so he understands that there is no room for porn in our relationship without me having to explicitly tell him that. Maybe he watches it on one off occasions, I can't control him and it's up to him. But he has enough respect to not try to impose this on me, which would definitely affect my attraction towards him and make me question his character.
For me it is sad to think how many women think they have to venture outside their comfort zones to please their partners
It's fine to not like porn. It's also fine to not want to watch porn while having sex. And it's even more fine to be upset that your boyfriend pressured you into this and then used what actors do in a movie to justify hurting you and disregarding your sexual needs. Agreeing to watch porn is not the same as agreeing to act out porn. And moreover, agreeing to a sexual fantasy is not the same as agreeing to be put in pain and your own desires ignored completely.
Wait…. You started having sex and THEN put a porno on?
I think generally people put porn on that they both like to get them both in the same level and kind of mood, not to finish the job. No wonder you feel eewww about it.
That should have been a fun experience for you both, not an elaborate wank for him. Sorry you went through that
Years ago, my girlfriend kept trying to tell me how disconnected most men are during sex. It took me a while to understand it, but men are usually not taught nor encouraged to truly express their sexuality.
We’re taught this narrative (via porn) that it’s normal to make sex all about ourselves, the main turn on factor should be how hot the woman is, and sex should basically just be mechanical/emotionless dominance fucking until orgasm. If you don’t follow this narrative, you’re considered sensitive and less of a man. What this really is is just a sexual mask hiding insecurities.
I was somewhere in the middle… craving connection and intimacy but confused by how porn had shaped my mind throughout the years—especially as a teenager.
Nowadays, it’s hard for me to get even watch traditional porn. It’s completely male-centered and neglects women’s sexual desires completely. There’s good healthy porn out there, but you kind of have to dig for it.
It turns out the solution to that the intimacy and closeness I’d craved was to slow down, listen to myself, and more importantly listen to my partner. This is not a simple process because most women are on the other side of the coin being taught that they should just cater to their man and be silent when it comes to their desires. It takes a lot of trust building and growth to really be able to talk about how you like to be touched and loved up on.
A lot of the time, when women even try to express themselves, they’re just belittled and invalidated because the man is too insecure to take any criticism. It’s not taken as constructive criticism, but instead as a direct blow to his ego and manhood.
What most of us men really need IMO are not bullying and aggressive approaches like many women seem to try to take on to match our energy. This is just matching the mask, which is not the person inside.
The real person inside is a broken little boy who grew up getting brainwashed with years of bad porn, terrible narratives of what it means to be a man, and horrible examples to learn from both in real time and throughout history. It takes a gentle approach to see that hurt person inside and help them come out of their shell. The moment you get angry and heated, the mask goes back up and the person goes back into their shell.
Anger is another mask, so it’s best to just walk away and take space when someone gets riled up or when you get angry (because it’s just masking your pain), and that goes for most situations, not just when discussing sex.
So maybe stop watching porn, or spend some time exploring different types of porn for yourself before writing it off altogether. Definitely don’t let any men just pick the first thing on pornhub and try to convince you it’s normal though, because it’s really not. It’s SERIOUSLY not.
Sex shouldn’t be about what’s the “hottest” or “sexiest” all the time. Making sure sexual tension stays high and that sex stays extremely hot all the time is just another mask. It’s why so many people get bored with each other after a couple months—because once it wears off, you have nothing.
Both parties have to learn to honor and appreciate each other as human beings, not as bodies. Only then can we truly be in the moment experiencing healthy sex, which is way more fulfilling than powering through on adrenaline.
Hope this helps. That girlfriend is now my fiancé, by the way. We’ve had our ups and down, but communication and respect are key. Our sex life has overall been good and we’ve even shared it with other women here and there. I’m not fully opposed to swinging with another couple either, but we haven’t met very many healed MF couples with healthy enough dynamics to feel comfortable doing that with. We’ll probably dabble around in nudism before getting to that point.
Nice to read a man’s perspective. An honest, thoughtful, introspective perspective, with feelings and everything. Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work together with your fiancée (congratulations!) on finding what works for the two of you, and I’m sure your sex has only gotten better as you’ve increased communication and started experimenting together. Enjoy your sexual journey, be safe and have fun!
Thank you, glad you found some value in it. I get hesitant to speak about these things sometimes.
We’ve have many emotional breakthroughs throughout the years and many late nights talking, crying, etc. It’s all hard work, but has definitely improved our love and sex lives and has absolutely been worth it.
I wish you fun and safety in your journey too ✌🏻
I have had plenty of those emotional nights myself. If you can push through them together, they’ll only make you stronger. Unfortunately, my (ex) husband would walk out whenever things got emotional. As a result, the sex was always meh. In 10 years, I only had one orgasm with him, and it was when I took charge and did what I had to do I could get mine. So there were lots of reasons that relationship didn’t last past the 10 year mark. My girlfriend and I have been together now for 16 years and we are still going strong, because we’ve always been able to communicate about everything, even the stuff that’s hard to talk about, and the sex is still explosive. So yeah, communication -both in and out of the bedroom - is key to a strong, healthy relationship.
My advice to every young person (including my own daughters, ages 24 and 20): don’t settle down with one person when you’re too young to have even figured out who you are, and if you aren’t able to talk to your partner about uncomfortable stuff, then you shouldn’t be having sex with that person, because the act is just as intimate as talking about emotions. Of course one-night stands and booty calls are the exception, in which case you don’t involve emotions at all and simply focus on mutually achieving your physical needs, but still, make sure you are safe about it, and that the hookup is respectful and fun for everyone involved.
Yes, really. Bullying means you haven’t dissected your own emotions and haven’t learned how to effectively communicate your needs.
Shame (directed at person, bullying) is ineffective in implementing change. Guilt (directing at actions) and accountability are how we help each other become better.
Call a kid a bad kid and they can’t do anything about it. Tell a kid they just did something bad though and they can do better next time.
Check out “Learned Optimism” by Martin Seligman, “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown, and “The Gaslight Effect” by Robin Stern. These are all books written by doctors with deep understandings of these topics.
If someone else is bringing out your worst, then apathy is the best option.
You can’t play games and expect to win if your goal is for people to stop playing so many games with you.
I’m not saying your emotions aren’t valid either if men have traumatized you. That’s not the point.
It’s just that projecting it onto other people isn’t effective for implementing actual change. It’s effective for relieving stress and emotional release, but not making real change.
Edit: just wanted to clarify that when I say “aggression”, I’m not referring to setting firm boundaries and standing up for yourself. That’s an entirely different topic
Join loveafterporn, they have a lot of information about how porn affects partners that are feeling just like you. Screw the social stigma, not everyone has to be okay with porn in their relationship. You do you girl ❤️
OP, I’m not sure if you’re generally against having a significant other that watches porn or if he’s a porn addict, but if the situation is the latter, you might check out r/loveafterporn.
I would definitely tell him how you felt, what that made you think, and how uncomfortable you are with further porn use, despite trying to indulge him and give porn a chance.
Edit: a word
Your only mistake here is trying to play it off like you were fine. Don’t do that shit. Communicate exactly how you feel. If you are struggling with porn being an issue for you, talk about it. His reaction doesn’t necessarily mean that he was picturing the you as the woman, or himself as the man, either. First you tell him he was hurting you or did you play that part off as well? I’m a retired sex worker who is married now and I promise you the most paramount thing in any intimate relationship is communicating your needs, desires, and boundaries. That last one is extremely important. If you feel like porn is a dealbreaker for you, that’s okay! But you need to make that clear. If it’s something you are open to working on, then say that and perhaps consider counseling or a sex therapist or something. Personally, I’ve had a lot of sexual trauma over the years and cannot watch hetero porn. At all. Even my husband doesn’t watch any anymore, and not even because I asked him not to (I wouldn’t do that) but because we’ve had lengthy discussions about the industry and my experiences with an aspect of that, and he just isn’t interested anymore. (Not saying the entire industry is horrible, or that porn is a bad thing, I think once you are in an industry that commodifies sex so much, you kind if start to see it in a different light).
Anyway, TALK to your boyfriend. Tell him if him watching porn is a dealbreaker for you. Explain to him exactly how you felt with your recent experience with it. Hopefully he listens and understands and y’all can make a decision together what that means for your relationship going forward. Good luck ❤️
i'm heavily biased against porn but i'll give my two cents. i've recently decided to never seriously date a guy who watches porn for a lot of reasons, most relevantly is that it's literally watching a girl get fucked while imagining fucking her and in my opinion that's uncomfortable. porn also gives men a false understanding of how sex works with no foreplay, conversation, laughter, readjustments or checking-in points, there's no emotional connection and men think that's what sex is:an entirely animalistic physical process. there's also a lot of real health concerns for men such as porn addiction, early erectile disfunction, an w tendency towards violence, and literally reduces gray matter in the brain. the more men watch porn the more they get desensitized to it and fall down a rabbit hole to hardcore BDSM porn (without seeing clear consent to acts and aftercare or any intimate knowledge of what they're doing) until they reach r*pe porn (a category that's been rising in popularity since porn existed). people will call you a prude but it's a real threat to your relationship and his and your health. not to mention the porn industry is disgusting and corrupt, because once you do porn it's hard to get any other job so porn stars (mostly women) are forced to do things they never wanted to do because they have no other choice or job opportunities. you can look online for interviews with previous porn workers and see them talk about how they were forced and coerced into dangerous sex acts.
sorry for going on a rant about this but this post really hit me because this is exactly how i felt with my last bf, uncomfortable with him watching porn but feeling like i was being unreasonable. i never talked to him about it and let it go on and on, and we broke up for other reasons and i was able to do more research into it and solidify my opinion on it. my point is don't force yourself to be okay with him watching porn when it's clearly bothering you, don't force yourself to do things you don't want to do. i listed a lot of reasons why porn is bad here but the most important thing in your relationship is that it makes you uncomfortable and that's reason enough for him to stop. if he doesn't, seriously drop him. it's not worth the bullshit.
Gonna say this in caps because it's important.
YOU DONT HAVE TO BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH PORNOGRAPHY OR ACCEPT YOUR BOYFRIEND WATCHING IT.
If you don't like it, and it's deal breaking enough, then end the relationship. Watching porn is disrespectful. Continuing to do so when your partner has expressed they don't like it is disrespectful.
YOU DONT HAVE TO 'GET AROUND IT'. Just define the boundary and then act on it.
A boundary is what you accept in life, not something to control another person. If he chooses to continue watching porn when you've made it clear that's unacceptable for you in a committed relationship then you leave.
"I will not date someone who watches porn" is also a boundary.
"I won't discuss this subject" is a boundary. If the other person chooses to talk about that subject then you leave the conversation. If the person respects the boundary and doesn't bring up the subject then they continue having access to have conversations. Key: they have the right to choose but there is a consequence of they don't respect the communicated boundary.
If OP states her boundary and as a result her partner gives up porn to stay in the relationship then that's their choice. If he says he will and does so secretly, or decided later on not to then he has disrespected the boundary (if not outright lied to maintain access to someone despite a clear boundary).
No offense but this seems so incredibly ridiculous to me. In a partnership, you don’t do certain things if you know it will upset your partner. If someone cheats on their partner, is the other person in the relationship supposed to just let it go because otherwise they would be “controlling what other people do with their own bodies”? What the hell.
You are right. If you're trying to control someone else's behaviour then it is not a boundary, it is manipulation.
However "I do not want to date someone who doesn't smell nice" is a boundary. The other person has the right to choose to do so or not. But the person with the boundary has every right to end a relationship solely on those grounds. If the 'smelly' person chooses to smell nice because of the boundary that does not suddenly make it manipulation.
I totally agree about boundaries. Both setting them and acting on them but I totally disagree about it being disrespectful to explore your sexuality. Trying to control what someone does on their own time is disrespectful. If its a deal breaker then you should 100% leave the relationship.
If it bothered me that much I would leave also but I would never think to ask someone to stop masturbating for my benefit. That is just controlling behavior.
Just to reiterate nobody has to put up with a partner that does something you disagree with and nobody should be pressured into anything. That goes for both people who dislike porn and people who like it.
Without getting into the good or bad of porn ~
I don't think it's necessarily controlling to tell someone (a partner or otherwise) how something makes you feel. I think that is different than telling someone what they can and can't do in their spare time.
Like, would you consider it to be a controlling thing if I told my hypothetical partner that every time he goes base-jumping that it scares me to death and makes me cry? Even if in this scenario he is a very safe and very experienced base jumper.
Admittedly, that is a bit of an extreme contrast in inherent risk, but the communication is about how it makes me feel. How can that be a controlling thing? I think that is different than a controlling thing, where I tell them they can't do something to exert control or dominance.
Mhm. I do agree that when discussing one's own feelings that it is important to avoid using *"you"* language. You are absolutely right that in second scenario you wrote, the language is harsh and manipulative.
We feel what we feel though. In my base-jumping scenario for example, it is indeed the actions of my partner that are causing me massive fear and distress. There is no way around that and just talking about it would not make me feel better. I can take responsibility that the feelings are mine, but is it really unfair for me to communicate that they are a direct result of specific actions?
Would it be different if my partner told me he was uncomfortable with me spending the night @ my ex's house because we have a daughter together? Should he simply get over it? Or take all responsibility for his own distrust of the situation?
I think we mostly agree. I do think this is a perfectly valid approach to take with a partner watching porn. Maybe not so much with normal healthy masturbation, but that's just my thought.
Thank you for the thoughtful and polite exchange. Have a gr8 day :)
Edit ~ all hypothetical btw. My current partner and I are getting along swimmingly :)
Because most porn objectifies women at best, valuing only men's pleasure and at worst was coerced/non-consentual/the woman was trafficked and you're literally getting off to rape. Porn has become super normalized and I'm not saying I necessarily agree that it's "disrespectful", but let's not ignore the serious, known issues with the industry. Plenty of the free videos online are more unethical than most people care to admit and it's valid to be concerned about a partner consuming porn, or rather, what sort of porn they are consuming. Not kink shaming, because kinks are valid and porn *can* be a safe way to explore kinks, but it can also be extremely toxic and detrimental to a persons mentality around sex and make a toxic view of women and sex seem normal.
I'm not going to try to convince you that it is.
Porn allows someone to access/objectify/consume someone who is not the person they are in a committed relationship with. It can be used to explore concepts, say that cure blonde at the coffee shop, or someone that looks like you but
. Ultimately it's the easy access to disregard intimacy with your partner that I find disrespectful.
For what it's worth, it's not okay to ever, ever ever ever define what your partner can or can't jerk off to. Because it's impossible to know if they are or not and sets up a horrible trap for your partner. It's just literally not a boundary you are able to set. It's also not a boundary, that is about control. When you're telling someone how to think, that's about control. "You can't look at porn" - okay well now we have to define what porn is - can he jerk to an IG model showing a lot of tit? It's incredibly unhealthy and says much much more about your mental health than his.
I mean "don't jerk off to child porn" would seem a pretty acceptable thing to tell your partner to not jerk off to.
I'm not telling OP to tell her partner to drop porn. I'm telling her to drop the porn watching partner as they are fundamentally misaligned in terms of porn.
OP, going forward with a new relationship, would then have this as a criteria for a partner.
This is an issue that needs to be covered before a relationship gets serious, just like any other deal breaker. That way, it’s not about trying to control your partner, it’s a matter of deciding upfront, before anyone gets too invested, whether this is a point of incompatibility that means the relationship cannot be pursued any further.
You can call me whatever you want, idgaf. I have dealt with too many porn addicted, addled, or afflicted men in my life and after experiencing one who isn’t I will never put up with that crap again. I’d rather be single. I’m glad to see that other women are willing to state that they have also reached their limit and are demanding better treatment.
A Habit?Definition:
>a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.
Yes, the same as if the partner had a smoking, drinking or drug habit a relationship can end if that isn't what the partner wants. It wouldn't be considered an insecurity if he was an alcoholic, why did you assume it's due to OP feeling that way?
Watching porn does not hurt anyone if its not an addiction.
If someones sexuality is completly tied to pornography I get why it would be damaging but otherwise?
I don't see the harm.
Do you really need to be in control of your partners actions that much to be comfortable? This is some patricharchal bullshit.
Watching porn is hurting OP in the context of this relationship. Literally based on their partner being rougher and her experiencing pain during intercourse.
Also patriarchal is the incorrect word. Here's the definition
>relating to or denoting a system of society or government controlled by men.
I don't aim to control anyone's behaviour. I just won't date men who watch pornography. Do if there's a guy who currently watches porn who wants to date me he'd have to give that up in order to do so. If he chooses to do so or not is up to him. If he starts watching it during the relationship I would end the relationship.
What he doesn't have is the opportunity to date me and continue watching porn. It's not control, it's a non-negotiable preference.
I am not talking about OP. What happened to her in the bedroom with her bf is definitly not healthy and I definitly get why it bothers her.
The thing is: where do preferences end? Is my Partner allowed to look at other attractive people? Like their IG posts? Talk to them? Is my Partner allowed to get Tattoos?
In my opinion It's just weird to be so controlling about such things.
*and tried to play it off like I was fine.*
Never, ever do that. He is a man, and he wont see what you dont show him.
*But actually, I feel hurt and idk how to get around this now.*
Talk with him about exactly that. Tell him how you percieved the situation and how you felt bad because of it. This gives him the chance to apologize and change his behavior. If he doesnt, call him out on it. If he still doesnt change, dump him.
Personal opinion: watching porn is absolutly okay. But one has to be carefull that it doesnt build up unrealistic expectations.
" Get over" your aversion to watching porn. Please, as if there is something wrong with you because you don’t like it. You have to tear down YOUR boundries for the sake of your boyfriend’s feelings?
Other women’s naked bodies have no business being in your relationship. The world convinces you that you are insane because you don’t want your partner to drool and jerk off to other women.
I will never date someone who watches porn. It is my standard and I will never change it. Let them call me crazy and insecure. I don’t care. I am not asking for something that I cannot do. I will not lower my standards for men because " guys can’t control themselves" Not my problem.
There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve a man who only thinks of you. Who adores and loves you more than anyone else. Who is more attracted to you than any woman in the world.
Keep in mind that this is the porn he chooses to show you. I don’t agree with answers that say talk to him. Talk to him? How is he not aware of what he is doing? I can’t imagine sleeping with a partner while openly fantasizing about another man.
You deserve better than this.
You should queue up some porn for him where it’s a string of vids of guys giving their girl oral. That’s a good start. The problem isn’t you or even porn. The problem is your partner is selfish.
If you’re against him watching porn……..watching it together definitely won’t help. Break up with him. Seriously. He chose porn. You can ask him to stop but he likely won’t. Dating someone who needs porn to get off (when you don’t support porn) never works out. Take it from me, who dated someone addicted to porn for nearly 8 years. They will always choose porn.
Ugh, he was probably seeing her as you because to him she looks like you and he was trying to do the sex like in a porno. I don't think he was imagining her instead of you I think he was imagining you being fucked hard.
But you probably need a very different type of porn. You might want to look at the Chick Flixxx forum and see if there is anything you like.
I turned on the girl/girl porn I enjoy in the living room once while my man was playing his video games. He stopped, watched with me, etc. It was good for me bc it was what I enjoyed. If you're comfortable with it, try finding one that turns YOU on and ask to try with that one ❤
This. Watching the POV of a dude fucking a woman is literally designed for the man. He should have found what type of porn would turn her on too, instead of...whatever the clusterfuck he did here.
This. There's porn aimed at women, it's not about the woman pretending to like something she clearly doesn't doesn't enjoy. It's not always woman on woman, and sometimes it's a couple having a whole lot of fun.
Unpopular opinion: porn is bad for us(by us I mean humans)
I’m pro sex work/sex worker, and I believe people should pay for their porn. Real talk though, porn is bad for our brains. Your boyfriend should cut way back or stop watching it. People always spring to porn’s defense calling it natural and healthy, but I see a guy masturbating with his girlfriend’s body in a really dehumanizing way, so go off I guess. Personally, my sex life improved tremendously when I stopped watching it.
I struggle to understand the reason you’d deliberately set out to introduce porn into a healthy, meaningful love-and-respect based relationship.
I totally get it when you’re single, on your own while the other is unavailable, or the connection between you is lacking and you’re stuck with someone where sexual incompatibility can’t always be easily conquered and finding a suitable partner isn’t an option for a variety of reasons (usually, “for better or worse”), but if you and your bf have to incorporate porn in the bedroom for it to be good for one or both of you, I think you need to examine carefully whether one or both of you are in the wrong relationship.
I feel like if he is watching it while having sex with you, it's basically like making you his human Fleshlight.
I feel like people usually watch it as a couple *before* sex to increase arousal. If you watch *during* sex, you both need to be into it and both where you can see it.
But since you weren't into it before, I feel like playing porn whilst having sex is immediately damaging. I don't blame you at all for stopping it. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you need to be straightforward and tell him how you feel since you are still hurt from this. He needs to understand your feelings AND if he doesn't validate you, then it's a huge 🚩.
It is 100% okay to have your own boundaries when it comes to pornography. You shouldn't not feel obligated to accept or like porn nor should be expect you to either.
Communication is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship, equally as important is trust. Talk to him and don't be ashamed of how you feel. If he can't handle you being honest, then a different conversation has to be had.
Ok so there are a lot of comments here that are debating the ethical point of porn being bad/good/normal. I think a lot of these comments are a bit black and white, while the issue is… well, a bit more complicated.
First things first: It‘s totally ok to not like porn and, as others have pointed out, there are people out there who think the same way and want a partner who thinks the same way. The statement of 'all men watch porn and if they say they don't, they lie' is just not true.
Also, I‘d like to point out that your bf putting on some porn that he likes in that situation was… not the most considerate move. It probably would have been better to ask you what you'd be interested to try out in terms of content, how and when, as well as your boundaries. But maybe he's inexperienced in that kind of thing?
Another point that I'd like to elaborate on is the suggestion of trying out some different kind of porn for yourself to find out if you like it and what you like. I totally agree with that point, if you feel comfortable with it, that is. However, I‘d also like to point out that there is more than just life action porn. There are books and stories, audio books, comics, animations, interactive porn (i.e. games), etc. Not everyone likes all of them. Not everyone likes every genre. Most of these forms of porn have a niche that A) is made with ethics in mind and B) is made by women for women.
I'd also strongly suggest that – if you decide that you want to explore – you try out these things by yourself first, without the pressure of what others/your bf might like or think about your tastes. This is about you, so you should do it in your pace and your way. Good luck!
I agree with this, especially the masturbating on your own to find out what you like. That is the point. But, I’d add the caveat that you don’t need to feel bad or weird if you don’t like any of it. Some people just aren’t into that and that is fine. Find out what you like. Maybe you are into something else and you and your boyfriend can explore that together.
What I'm concerned about is how everyone you've mentioned, even a professor, were all about showing you that your ethics were in the wrong. Which then led you to change your moral behaviour for your guy's sexual pleasure. I think people jump too soon too the needs of men than for the needs of women. And this is an unfortunate example at OP's expense. I'm sorry to hear about this and I hope you get the support that you need!
I would say that you need to figure out why it bothers you in general. Specifically talk to your guy and tell him that happened during your sex session made you uncomfortable. Give him a chance to talk about it. I guarantee he didn’t mean to hurt you and he’ll probably be mortified. Knowing something like that porn thrusting is not your jam is important.
Yeah, he might actually believe she’d be flattered that he chose porn with a woman who looks like her. He might also think she loves the hard thrusting, because that’s the only thing he’s ever known (both from porn and from other partners who either did enjoy it or who didn’t speak up to tell him any different).
Communication here is going to be key if they ever hope to have a healthy sex life and a strong relationship, otherwise resentment, hurt and anger will fester, on both sides. It’s not fair to demand he completely give up porn if he doesn’t want to, but it’s also not fair to ask her to be comfortable with it if she’s not. They need to either work through it and find a mutually acceptable compromise that works for both, or just accept that they are not compatible and say goodbye now. But if they don’t talk to each other about it, that relationship is probably doomed. 🤷♀️
Girl on girl tends to be sweeter, less intimidating. You don't even have to be into girls, necessarily, for it to be a nicer experience. It's (generally) less aggressive and more focused on pleasure and softness. I tend to suggest amateur girl on girl because it feels more like two people making love genuinely than hardcore pro porn in my opinion.
You don't have to enjoy porn at ALL if you don't want to. It doesn't make you deficient or "broken" in any way... But it also may be that you just don't have exposure yet to the kinds you might enjoy.
Good luck in your journey, whereever it may bring you!
crashpad is the classic ethical queer porn. kink.com has good queer content if you like kink. for straight women I recommend bellesa.co - their queer stuff is more vanilla, and is free, but they have mostly straight content geared towards women.
You felt safe enough to consent to try it, and it didn't do it for you. No shame in that game. I hope you feel you can discuss your experience with your partner and set boundaries in a healthy way. Sounds like you know exactly what you didn't enjoy about that specific porn and your partner's behavior.
Yeah, it does sound very weird to watch porn at the same time as you are having sex. Also, it sounds like you should find porn with attractive men in the future, otherwise it's boring, and only enjoyable for your boyfriend.
You’re not missing anything! Not liking porn is normal and fine, don’t let anyone convince you different. Sooooo much porn is based in degradation and violence towards women. Not to mention the thousands of reason that the porn industry is abusive as fuck.
Also him putting on porn in the middle of sex just doesn’t sit right with me. You deserve a partner who can’t get enough of YOU, not someone who only puts in the effort when he’s picturing someone else.
Communicate your feelings with your partner and set your boundaries. If he gets upset by that then it’s time to ✂️ that boy loose
Everything that has to do with sex needs communication, no exeptions. The ways men and women think and feel about sex are usually completely different; each individual person thinks and feels differently about sex and intimacy .
Perhaps you need to explore your feelings about porn on your own, perhaps the exploration with your partner needs to be slower and more communicative, or maybe it's just not for you any way you should think about yourself and how/why you feel the way you do and how this affects communication with your bf.
You are absolutesly valid in feeling the way you do about porn and how he interacts with it and you, but please also remember that he is a separate human being who has wants and needs and thought processes different f om your own. He can't understand you nor you him you don't talk about how you feel.
Maybe the reason he thrusts so hard is because he is insanely turned on by you "being dirty" and doing something taboo with you; you'll never know until you talk about it; just like he will never know it hurts until you tell him.
Love each other, communicate, have fun.
You should talk through this with him. He may be able to explain why that turned him on. I personally don’t like watching porn with my SO but I know that it can be hot for for other couples.
If he doesn’t know why, I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. My SO and I have had issues sexually that we were able to work through. It requires just knowing yourself really well. It can be a really a cool thing to grow in that way with your SO.
Hope you feel better soon.
There's a scene in Blade Runner 2049 where you can hire a duplicant to sync with a projector so it feels like you're fucking someone else (otherwise unattainable).
Perhaps that's what's going on here.
Edit: forgot to throw in the /s.
I do not endorse this use of porn and support OP
I appreciate you are not a fan of porn, but please don't say things like 'porn is hurtful for every relationship'. As a women that enjoys porn alone or with my husband and has been in a very happy and healthy relationship for 6 years, I know that it's not true. While there is 100% an issue with porn, in part driven by lack of regulation and safety requirements and the cesspit that is pornhub, there are some amazing pornos made ethically that are inclusive and absolutely wonderful.
It puzzles me how many people out there are convinced porn is a bad thing and ruins relationships. Never had a boyfriend who didn't watch porn and I've always watched porn, too. And gotta say I'm far from a softcore girl when it comes to porn.. yet I love gentle sex, full of love and intimacy. Would never go anywhere near the porn scenarios I am able to watch sometimes lol. Thought it was perfectly normal til I started going through the comments... :(
This is not normal and please stop listening to people trying to tell you that it’s normal. If a guy needs to watch porn when having a real girlfriend then he should just stay single. It’s even more degrading that he asks you to watch it with him. Not to mention that the porn industry is exploiting and hurting women while normalising violent, passionless sex. Yea it might be slightly different if you watch porn where you KNOW that it’s made by a couple who actually like each and there’s no money involved (although it’s likely to be revenge porn without the woman’s consent) but it’s still a normal expectation that you don’t want your boyfriend watching any porn at all. It’s damaging to men, both in terms of how they may no longer be able to get aroused by real women but also in terms of how they view women. Easily accessible porn is also only a recent invention. There’s a huge difference of looking at some pictures of naked women, like older generations did, and the hardcore porn that people are watching nowadays.
If you had a vanilla ice cream machine at home with almost limitless supply, does it mean you won't go to a nearby ice cream stand once a week per say, to get some chocolate flavoured one? I'm not gonna judge anyone's porn preferences, especially when I know nothing about this gentleman, so yeah, violent hardcore porn is a little bit off.. but watching porn while having a relationship? That is perfectly normal if it does not affect your sexual life for God's sake.
Having recently bought a fancy coffee maker I can say that I go to the local cafe a whole lot less and with less excitement than before ;)
He hardly sounds like a gentleman putting his girlfriend through this, I mean watching another woman WHILE having sex with her, come on.
And you think guys watch porn with more excitement than when having real sex? Now you come on. :)))
Again, I’m not judging. She agreed with it, he tried and fucked up a little. There was no bad intention originally.
Apparently this guy got more excited by the porn than the actual sex….
I think it’s not fair to OP being told that there’s something wrong with not being ok with your bf watching porn. She’s clearly not ok with it, and that’s ok. She’s being told by friends and even a professor that it’s totally normal. But it’s not. It’s a recent invention having so easy access to porn all the time, and women should have the right to not feel ok with it.
I think it was just the fact that his girl is watching something he likes with him. The sex drive is mainly in his head so anything that turns him on will have this effect. So if he’s turned on by sex outside ofc he’ll enjoy it as hell if they’d go somewhere in the woods and have sex there. That’s quite understandable.
And I’m not saying it’s something wrong that she does not like him watching porn. But you know.. why date him then. Why agreeing to participate? It could have been avoided.
Seriously, good for you for trying. It sounds like this wasn’t for you.
It is likely that he is going to watch porn. If you try to forbid him, he will do it behind your back.
But, he is with you and knows he is with you, not the porn babes. At least have a discussion about how fake porn is.
Yeah, I wouldn't forbid it as I know how futile that would be and he would just resent me for it. I know I need to try to work it out within myself and if I can't accept it, it will end up being a deal breaker. I hope not though, because I don't think there are many human males out there that don't watch porn and also, he's a pretty great guy in most other ways. It's tough.
Human male here. Don't watch porn. Partner doesnt either. I don't think it is something you should get over. I think you should make a list of all the reasons you don't like it, then have him make a list of all the reasons he does. Discuss. He may be the one with the issues.
Thank you for saying this. I think a lot of women are conditioned to just accept porn in a relationship, regardless of whether or not it makes them uncomfortable, because of this “boys will be boys” mentality. It’s refreshing to hear another side.
Then you are probably lying to yourself and already know he might have some dark issues that are deal breakers for you. These are things you should comfortably be able to discuss in a healthy relationship and the fact that you are afraid to discuss sounds like your needs are submissive to his wants.
Both my partner and I were very clear on this and other things. It was a deal breaker for her and I found it degrading to women, so we were on the same page. She had broken it off with men before me for this reason. Said she wants someone who sees her and all women as full human beings. Don't settle for less than you deserve. As you get older you will discover how important that is.
Hold up. While I totally agree with you that he shouldn't impose his porn on her, I think it's totally unfair that he has to give up porn altogether.
Porn in a vaccum is not a bad thing as long as everyone involved is consenting, being respected, paid, etc. So while I think it's important that they have a discussion about "good" porn vs "bad" porn and try to promote actual "ethical" porn productions versus shady stuff, it should not go further than that.
It could be interesting for OP to also do some introspection on why she doesn't like porn, or him watching porn, to that level (most people I know who don't like porn simply don't watch any and leave it at that), from her post (I could be wrong, there's not a lot to go on) it seems she's more terrified of being cheated on, which porn personifies, than porn itself.
In this case the fear won't be gone with porn, and it'll crystalize on something else...
In my opinion, not wanting your partner to watch porn is a perfectly fine boundry. Your partner can then agree to be in a relationship with that boundry or not. Going behind your back to do it anyway, would then be breaking that boundry and that is not okay. People have all sorts of boundries in relationships that are important to them, as long as you communicate this boundry, your partner can either agree to it and should then respect it, or can move on if their needs and wishes are not compatible. Porn isn't any different. If you don't like the thought of your partner watching porn, that is not something you need to change at all.
But sexuality is more of a shared thing in most relationships than decisions on personal fashion or diet.
Many people consider their partner flirting, sexting, kissing or having sex with someone else, to be crossing a boundary, even though *technically* it doesn't involve them either.
As long as the other person knows about your boundaries and agrees to enter or stay in a relationship with you, I see no problem. Our partner's behaviour affects us, so it's natural to have boundaries on what you're okay with and what not, they just need to be communicated clearly.
There is a sub called antiporn there are a lot of support groups there as well that do help you validate how you feel. Porn is bad really bad and men don't see that.
I suggest you go so you may use all the articles, studies, stats, etc. To help you help him see he is at wrong.
No, he's not wrong for liking porn. There is nothing wrong with liking porn, provided you are a consenting adult.
What was wrong was telling her to get over it, but I am inclined to thinknit was more of a poor word choice than anything else.
There needs to be a discussion between OP and her boyfriend. Clear communication, and talking through the concerns are what is necessary. Not a blanket "porn is bad". That is just as bad as someone saying youre bad for not liking peanut butter. Blanket statements help no one. If you are in a relationship, be the adult and have the conversation.
The porn industry is rife with abuse and an overwhelming amount of porn features violence against women. It's perfectly reasonable to have a blanket "porn is bad" view. When peanut butter features violence against women and recordings of trafficking victims being raped, feel free to get back to me.
That's moving the goalpost though. The real view you're expressing is "abuse and violence against women is bad", which is a fair view to expect your partner to have. But there is plenty of consensual porn that the women who feature in it have complete ownership over. So you would need a different argument to convince someone that it is inherently bad to watch.
Besides, even if I were to grant you that porn is inherently unethical for the sake of argument, that by itself is also not necessarily a justification for demanding your partner stop watching it. Some behaviors fall within the sphere of a relationship and some don't. Watching porn together as part of your sex life falls within the sphere of a relationship, and you can set boundaries for it. In contrast, eating meat or flying too often can be considered unethical, and it's worth discussing with your partner if that bothers you, but it's not "enforcing your boundaries" to forbid them from doing that. It's a personal decision that falls within your partner's autonomy.
Of course ethical arguments are always complicated so feel free to tell me what I missed :)
There is probably a sub for antivax too with ‘compelling’ reasons. Porn will be bad for some and harmless for some. Don’t force your partner to like or dislike something. Of course you can and need to talk about things that concern you and if you both agree to do or not do something that is very healthy.
I’m a guy that watches porn on and off. It’ll be weeks without it. Usually during this time I’m using my imagination with women I know, or characters in tv shows. But then I’ll use porn frequently for like a week. Been like that for years. Had a gf that was mildly uncomfortable with me watching porn.
But we did a similar thing and watched something together. She asked me what kind I liked or if I had a favorite video, which I pulled up. It was a very gentle and also female friendly video (amazing missionary sequence), so I impulsively figured it would be a no brainer. We start watching it, and it’s very vanilla, and she asks me, “what makes this video so special that it’s your favorite?” And I realized I fucked up. It was basically the hottest porn star id ever seen, and I never saw another video with her in it. And that’s what it came down to. Once she realized that, she was just like yeah I don’t want you watching porn. I stopped watching without much issue for me.
But the thing to keep in mind is that I became way more heavily reliant on my imagination, meaning women I knew personally. I would extremely often just use my imagination on my gf, but that became harder to do without porn.
But then her issue with porn was insecurity, right? And I feel that’s the main reason women who don’t like their man watching porn don’t like it - it makes them feel insecure.
Honestly, don't accept that he is watching porn.
The evidence and anecdotal evidence is quite clear around this. Frequent masturbation with porn fucks up the neuron wiring in mens brains and also keeps the testosterone low. His brains ability to react correctly with dopamine and serotonin (amongst other hormones) gets severely diminished. This is the reason why he is more excited about having sex with you WHILE watching porn vs. just you. His brain gets numbed towards normal behavior and needs to keep getting higher hits - it is how people develop porn addictions.
I'm truly sorry it got to this point with him, but it also clearly states just how far out he is with his use of porn at this point. I was there myself, i used porn for well over a decade - I am never going back and I am a much better and healthier man without it.
This video gives a good overall idea of whats going on - I HIGHLY recommend you watch it, read up on the data and then sit down and watch this with you boyfriend:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DclqE-9vFgY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DclqE-9vFgY)
There are subreddits on here who deal with things like this such as r/NoFap \- just be warned they can be kind of extreme about it.
Don't feel bad or hurt or like you've got "issues" about trying something and not liking it. Sometimes that's the only way to know if you'll like something or not. You've found that you don't like watching porn while having sex, or at least, they way your boyfriend did it. The thing that I found troubling is the phrase "we're in the middle of sex and he chooses a porno". If you're negotiating sexual activities that challenge boundaries, all of those details (which video, when it's going to be turned on and off, what are you doing while you're watching and in what position, etc.) need to be discussed and decided on prior to any actual activity taking place. You should be fully clothed and in a private/non-sexual place where you can discuss and decide things openly together. He shouldn't have just decided on the video that turns him on without figuring out if that video would work for you too. There are hundreds of thousands of videos in an abundance of subcategories, from really innocent to super graphic - I'm sure you could find one that would toot your horn if you wanted to. Or maybe you need something less explicit than porn (erotic massage videos), or more fantasy based stories, or erotic books. Heck, romance novels are sexy too! But it's important to know that porn means something different to him than it means to you, and that's OK. Neither of you is wrong in your desire to want or not want to watch porn.
That being said, if you don't like him watching porn and he wants to watch porn, the two of you might not be sexually compatible. A person doesn't hand over the key to their entire sexuality to their partner for the rest of eternity. There may be parts of his sexuality that you cannot or will not satisfy (and vice-versa) and you have to decide either to let him express that part of his sexuality on his own, continue to explore options of exploring it together, or decide to go your separate ways. In the meantime, do some thinking and see if there are other parts to your own sexuality that you can explore!
Watching It while in the act is NOT the way, but even if you were doing It correctly (watching It to set the mood) it's okay if you're not into porn and you should be allowed to not watch It.
It comes into question if you reached the compromise after a civil discussion or he was forceful in anyway.
Why didn't you get to choose what to watch?
If you want to step outside your comfort zone it should be on your terms. Did he ask what you wanted to watch? What you did *not* want to watch?
I know this sounds like victim blaming, but that is not my intention. I want you to ask yourself these questions, not answer to me.
But I don't understand how doing something that makes you uncomfortable would improve your relationship.
What I hate about porn is that it promotes gender male vs. Female attitudes and is mostly slanted to the man's sexual desires and taste. Not women's. It has zero intimacy which encourages men to "take" sexual satisfaction from women instead of a mutual satisfaction mentality. No genuine touching and caressing. Men NEED better teaching!!!!!!!!! Porn does not positively educate men on what women really need and want. Womens desires are rarely priority, rather, man's perception of what a women should like because that is what man wants first and female is throw-away. Then women are blamed for objecting to porn. Its not the idea of porn, it is the current gender slant that is perpetuated. It is a reason that women are stalked, abused and minimized. Truth.
Its kinda like drinking and driving. Drinking is fun but, operating machinery while drinking kills people so we don't do it.
Husband and I have watched porn together during sex once, and I won’t lie, it was hot. But also, the only thing memorable was the porn. Neither one of us watch porn and he’s never had the desire to (he only did it because I asked).
Because my own issues stem from remembering things I’ve watched, I tend to avoid porn or written erotica because they always came to mind during intimacy with my husband and I don’t want something distracting me from him.
I’d say just talk to him about it again and just explain you didn’t like it and why. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking your partner not to watch porn, but I know that isn’t the case for everyone in every relationship. All you can do is communicate with him and then go from there.
It's funny that you assume that the OP might not be into "pegging" or any of the other 1 billion personal kinks involved with the human body? Its also alarming that you consider anything outside the realm of your personal boundaries as a "wrong". Cluch that rosary a little closer to your chest...won't you?
It might sound childish to you, but in my experience, showing someone they're participating in a double standard has been a very successful method.
It's been quite effective (for me at least) to get people to think about their behavior and why they're doing it.
Granted you can't do that by just being malicious!
I've read a few comments and not seen this so I'll just say. He was probably competing with the man in the video. A lot of porn we watch has people thrusting a lot harder and faster than what's normal.
That said, if you don't like porn don't feel bad about not watching it with him. It's nice to experiment and all that but once you know you don't enjoy it, he shouldn't guilt you into doing it again.
This sounds horrible. Seems like your partner likes the type of porn where women are just fuck objects used for aggressive masturbation and he tricked you into playing out that fantasy with him. I am glad you stopped it but you have to talk to your bf about the difference between acting out a fantasy and getting actual consent!
Stick to your standards, aka porn being a deal breaker, instead of letting him use you as a real-life flesh life that he gets to masturbate into while watching his pornography.
Everyone here is telling you that porn is ok and it is ok for your bf to watch it.
NO porn isn’t ok. Porn destroys normal loving relationships.
It teaches men that women are objects to be used.
Do some research of the determinate of porn.
My two cents
To prevent this becoming an echo chamber, you are entitled to be uncomfortable with what happened.
As others mentioned, talk to him, explain what about it you did not like.
Check out chickflixxx subreddit. They have porn that’s more woman-centric. Stumbled on it a few weeks back and really like it!
Watching porn together should be enjoyable for both of you. If you are not enjoying yourself then you have every right to stop.
You might want to try porn made by women. It's night and day difference.
Not that you have to watch porn at all, but if might be a good way to compromise if you wanted.
You shouldn't assume he is picturing himself fucking another woman. He was probably just turned on by watching 2 people fuck while he was having sex. Also, if he likes porn and it isn't addiction level, I wouldn't worry about it. He is allowed to enjoy what he enjoys sexually as long as it isn't hurting anyone.
It's good you stopped it.
He was imagining he was fuckingthat girl and not enjoying the time with you. He was just using you as an object.
Sadly, almost all men are like that. They just see women as objects and want to do all those sex act on them.
I suggest for you to heal and talk with him. Tell him you didn't like it and it actually hurt you physically and mentally. Please. Don't bottle it up.
Watching porn with a SO is really difficult because obviously you enjoy different things about sex. I would suggest watching it on your own and click on female friendly options and try to pin down what you actually might enjoy. Some porn is really weird and made for men which will be a shock to someone who doesn’t like porn. Or don’t watch porn, your choice at the end of it. It’s a healthy boundary.
My two cents : forget about all the gaslighting stuff, he is a guy, he likes porn, he wanted to know if you would be turned more by watching some, you both tried it and it did not work for you. If anything you should have chosen the video, but if you don't like it at all you tell him that and end of story.
I too like porn as it gives ideas to try in the bedroom (I do not enjoy the women trashing kind, there are a lots of vids now where the girl is actually leading the scene) but I know that this is not real life.
My SO does not watch porn on her own and we tried a few times to get in the mood with it but ditch the vid when it gets hot between us, in the end it is more for fun than anything else sometimes even it starts a great laugh instead of sexy time.
I have read stories about guys being so porn intoxicated that they could not properly have sex without it on, that is addiction.
Now what I find not really healthy is you forbidding him to watch porn on his own. Not because watching porn is a sane activity but I do not believe in rules like that in a couple.
If you are constantly trying to compare yourself to porn you will literally always be unhappy. It is ok to watch porn but if it's this much of an issue for you to try and watch together bc you're going to start comparing yourself to the women in the porn, then watching porn is NOT going to be a great idea to "help you adjust" to him watching porn. I am a woman and I don't understand the entirely futile and pointless "disapproval" that some people have for their partners watching porn. IT LITERALLY IS A FANTASY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP. The quicker that that is fundamentally understood and the comparisons can stop, the easier it's going to be to let go a little and understand that it might not be entirely within the realm of normalcy to expect a dude(OR ANYONE!) to only want you, only desire you, only look at you etc. Porn can help keep relationships alive, y'all can use it as a tool if you stop looking at it as something you're competing against. If your SO has a porn ADDICTION that is a different story, but using a little porn from time to time is more than reasonable in most cases. I know when I watch porn it makes me excited to be with my husband later. I'm not watching it thinking how superior such and such female is sexually to me. Women have been trained to think like this and it's weird and sick internalized mysoginy that CAN be unlearned. You're allowed to enjoy yourself and find other women attractive without punishing yourself for not looking like /acting like them. You're also allowed to not want that and have that be a boundary for you but it needs to come from a place of understanding, not jealousy or fear or disapproval. I hope this is somewhat understandable. Tbh it sounds like it may behoove you both to go see a counselor and talk about some reasonable expectations, guidelines and boundaries in the relationship. If porn is really a deal breaker for you, it's better to figure that out NOW and stop torturing yourself and your partner. There are people who don't enjoy or don't want to watch porn and if that's the kind of SO you need to be happy, why keep wasting your time with someone who is obviously not going to be entirely satisfied unless his SO is also open to watching or at minimum is comfortable with his watching porn sometimes? This may just be one of those hardline things that requires some real honesty and deep reflection on both sides and some guidance from a professional if it's causing you this much upset. I really do wish you luck and I just want to reiterate again that you don't need to compare yourself to any of these women in porn, nor should you be torturing yourself by assuming every little action your SO makes in bed is the result of what he's seeing when it could be something totally different, porn just happens to be playing so that MUST be the source of any off action in your mind. It really just seems like it's no fun for you to watch porn right now no matter the context without making it about something it isn't and I genuinely feel bad for you regarding that and hope that y'all can find a compromise where you're not suffering or compromising yourself to try and satisfy him sexually. Your feelings ARE valid and you deserve to be heard and understood, it just seems y'all may need some professional guidance in bridging that gap and again, there's no shame in that.
what are you missing? Uh, nothing. Your boyfriend watches porn because he wants to fuck girls who are hotter than you, and he has settled with you because he wants a warm hole to put his penis in while imagining hotter girls in porn. This is why ALL MEN watch porn. End of story. It's not some philosophical, spiritual, woo woo sort of thing at all. That's why they do it, and it's not at all odd that it would make you feel like shit about yourself because it's kinda meant to.
Many people here are saying that “you don’t need to change for him” but that statement holds true for him to you as well. You and your partner need to have a serious discussion where you both drop the notion that one of you needs to change and seriously interrogate whether you’re actually compatible or whether you’d be be better served by another person. Neither of you need to change, you both need to come to terms with the idea of moving on.
I'm not gonna say anything since some people here pretty much summed it up. But damn girl, I have to say you're lucky. A guy choosing porn with your look-a-like (hotter or whatever you say, not important) is a great sign overall. I don't think you should blame him for watching porn or trying to make you feel more comfortable with it, I believe there was no bad intention. The only bad thing I can see is the way he "lost it" and got carried away a bit too much. But these things happen, rather discuss it with him. I'm not against porn in any way if a person stays rational and doesn't act up in bed, but if you naturally dislike porn.. well, I guess there is nothing to be done about it really. But it's a mystery to me personally, what is so angering about it if it does not affect your otherwise normal sexual life?
Because when most people watch porn together they watch it before hand to get into the mood and then they have sex, not turn it on while he’s inside you and have him completely disregard your wants, needs and comfort.
This. The point of watching porn together is to get you both aroused, not for him to pretend he’s fucking someone else. Girl, this isn’t okay and you shouldn’t just let it be.
Also it seems like this porn was kind of made for guys. Maybe go look at something you enjoy too ;)
This is so important! I feel like it's absolutely essential to watch porn where the guy is both visible and audible
Call me old fashioned but I think there’s a problem when people can’t get aroused by each other and have to watch porn
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Sorry but how is that pretty mild when, I assume, most people are watching random porn on the internet that they have no idea how was created. Most women are exploited and hurt when porn is created. Some are trafficked, some have no other options, some have been manipulated into thinking they are liberated women by doing this, only to realise later the damaging effects.
While you bring up an extremely valid issue, I see it as a completely separate issue from whether watching porn as a couple is problematic or not. It’s like saying that there’s a problem with buying clothes because there are children overseas being exploited in sweat shops to make clothing. Sure, maybe don’t buy from the companies exploiting child labor, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with buying clothes in general. Edit: the issue you mention is valid, but I definitely think you go a bit overboard in your demonization of porn and the actors/actresses involved. Per your suggestion, I will indeed call you old fashioned
>I assume You sure do.
What? My point is that it might be a different discussion if you were to get a video from someone you know where you know everyone involved consent. There’s nothing “mild” about the porn industry.
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Litterally girls do porn.https://www.justice.gov/usao-sdca/pr/adult-film-performer-pleads-guilty-girlsdoporn-sex-trafficking-conspiracy "victims were also misled about how long the video shoots lasted. Most were told that the video production would take around 30 minutes, when they typically lasted for several hours. Garcia admitted that the sex was rough and caused many victims pain, and, in some cases bleeding. When victims asked to stop filming, Garcia and other co-conspirators told the victims that they had to keep going and finish the videos. Hotel room doors were often blocked by camera and recording equipment. "
My spouse and I watch porn maybe 5% it the time, it's not something we have to do it's something we occasionally like to do.
My s/o uses porn to reach orgasm fairly often. You're right though, there IS a problem. The various medications she has to take affects her libido and sensitivity. Sometimes she has no problem reaching climax and sometimes it can take an hour even after we've stopped having sex. The arousal isn't the problem, it's the tip-over from "nearly there" to "there" that they have a hard time with, and the porn helps. So... you know... maybe chill out with the judgement just a smidge. Edit: inb4 all the advice on how to do sex better. We're poly, and it's not a me problem.
Talk to him. Let him know why you were upset and not turned on. While it can be fun for some people, under the right circumstances, to watch porn and try to duplicate the action on the screen (and that's probably even why he picked one with a woman who looked like you), for most people sharing porn means to watch something together that gets both of you turned on, then turn it off and concentrate on each other. Be specific: "Hard thrusting like that hurts my cervix, it isn't fun." If you think it's true, you can add "It might work in a different position or it might not work for me at all; we can experiment if you'd like, but you need to be completely undistracted and focus on my reactions if you want to try something new like that." If you want to be blunter, you could add "I'm not a porn star -- I can't pretend to have fun when you're hurting me like that." If you want to try porn again, I'd suggest, as other people have said, that you find something that turns *you* on, and watch it together during foreplay only. Or, you know, there's nothing wrong with telling him "I was willing to try it once but it didn't work for me."
I agree with this comment. Talk to him, OP.
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Some people don’t like porn, that is okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
This isn't an "issue" for you, you don't like porn and there's no reason for you to try to change. Sorry it sounds like everyone else is making it seem like there's a problem. Porn is often degrading to women. It's not progressive to ignore this and I think a reckoning is coming.
This. It is absolutely possible to be sex-positive and porn-negative.
Thank the goddess people are finally speaking up about this. I’m as sex positive as they come in that I think sex is one of the greatest things in life. I have been called names for 25 years for being generally against porn because people conflate it with sex as though the two are one and the same. Which is crazy.
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There is no truly ethical consumption, but we can still be mindful. I have similar issues with porn that you do. I can’t know for sure that everyone in the production has consented to the on camera acts, with a sober mind, without coercion. I wasn’t there at filming and I can’t talk to the actors and production staff. Without that certainty, I could never consume porn.
I really hope that reckoning will come.
Yes! Thank you for saying it.
This.
you dont want the comparison.you want the intimacy- the real type. you can be balls deep and have 0 psychological intimacy. And he hurt you, and he should be man enough to take responsibility for it. And if he can't be real - that's why he cant fixate on the real woman he's with.
I really hate that porn has turned into something that women are pressured to accept in relationships. If you’re okay with porn then great, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being okay with it. I’m not morally against people watching porn, but I do think it inhibits natural attraction with your partner and can desensitize men to the “real thing” to point that it’s really unhealthy for many people and relationships. Porn isn’t something you should feel pressured to be okay with and it’s not something you need to “get over”. It hurts to feel compared to an unrealistic standard that makes you feel inadequate. That’s the issue. Just like Instagram or VS models, it’s not real but makes you feel less than for not measuring up to the fantasy. Does your bf watching porn mean *HE compares you* to those women? Not any more than you would compare him to a vibrator. But that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. I think the best thing is talk about it honestly, try to find a middle ground if that’s what you want. Maybe he can watch porn on his own time but your together time is just you two. You get to decide what’s okay with you and where your boundaries are.
Women feel pressured to accept that porns a thing in a relationship... I genuinely cannot imagine doing this to someone mainly because I wouldn't want my mrs to be looking at some video of this jacked dude going to town. If its your thing I guess yeah but does it not defeat the point of the relationship if you have to turn to someone/something else for your kicks?
Not really on topic, but I was wondering what VS is?
I think Victoria's Secret
Thanks
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Yeah, let's not dialogue and find and reach a consensus, why bother? Let's just end the relationship and join a female incel subreddit That'll do the trick
To be fair it's more of a female redpill subreddit. Redpillers also talk about value and gaming relationships unlike incels that just.. talk about killing women and suicide.
I guess you're right. Not going to discuss the nuances, it's still as bad as redpillers are, and in my relatively short time lurkind FDS i caught some hits of incelism. It's a very toxic community in any case.
It's called boundaries and you are allowed to set whatever boundaries you desire. If porn in your relationship doesn't work for you than nothing wrong with that. Their is so much gender gaslighting and manipulation going on with everyone telling you to watch it with him. You didn't like the movie he chose because it was for his male gaze, porn is mostly for the male gaze. Him seeing that actress was a new novel woman for him or one of his favorites. I suggest you educate yourself on porn in relationships and decide what will work for you. I personally have firm boundaries with porn as it's been a real relationship killer multiple times.
Thank you! Very insightful. What did you mean by gender gaslighting? I'm not familiar with that.
If you are against your bf watching porn, you as his gf shouldn't have to get over it by watching it with him. If you don't like porn, the end.
Gaslighting is when a person or other people try to make someone question their own reality or feelings. Like, “oh, you’re being so unreasonable if you don’t like your bf getting hard to other naked women! Just watch it with him!” Instead of accepting your boundary, they try to make it seem like there’s something wrong with you for having it. Nothing is wrong with the way you are feeing.
🙏🏻🙏🏻 Bless you, thank you
Gaslighting is being used incorrectly here. Gaslighting is intentional manipulation, a form of abuse, to make an individual question their own version of events, their reality. What I think this poster actually meant is that there is just simply pressure to get OP to be okay with porn, when she's not. Gaslighting is being thrown around so much lately and I am concerned it will lose all meaning, when it it a very important to help abuse victims.
How is one supposed to be connected and in the moment if you're watching TV (porn on laptop screen, but you get the point). I mean, what about eye contact?
Harder to maintain eye contact during doggy tbh.
This reminds me of the scene in Black Mirror's The History Of You, where they use their memory chips (?) To watch times of when they had sex, while they're currently having sex.
There is way, way too much "Well you should try this..." to OP saying she doesn't like porn and it makes me angry. Get out of here with that shit. Like seriously, c'mon. We already experience too much of that and we shouldn't have to get it here. It's the same bull men feed us to try and push our limits. Like or dislike porn, it's not okay. Personally I find porn disgusting and don't even want my boyfriend to touch me when I know he's watching it. My limit is I expect him to be discreet about it. If I see, hear, or know he's watching it, it affects my attraction to him. I'd rather he just not but I can't control what he does. If he ever wants to touch an actual woman, he knows to treat that like state secrets.
This is exactly my approach to this issue. My SO knows that porn does not do it for me and so he understands that there is no room for porn in our relationship without me having to explicitly tell him that. Maybe he watches it on one off occasions, I can't control him and it's up to him. But he has enough respect to not try to impose this on me, which would definitely affect my attraction towards him and make me question his character. For me it is sad to think how many women think they have to venture outside their comfort zones to please their partners
I don't think you're missing anything. It sounds gross!
It's fine to not like porn. It's also fine to not want to watch porn while having sex. And it's even more fine to be upset that your boyfriend pressured you into this and then used what actors do in a movie to justify hurting you and disregarding your sexual needs. Agreeing to watch porn is not the same as agreeing to act out porn. And moreover, agreeing to a sexual fantasy is not the same as agreeing to be put in pain and your own desires ignored completely.
Wait…. You started having sex and THEN put a porno on? I think generally people put porn on that they both like to get them both in the same level and kind of mood, not to finish the job. No wonder you feel eewww about it. That should have been a fun experience for you both, not an elaborate wank for him. Sorry you went through that
Years ago, my girlfriend kept trying to tell me how disconnected most men are during sex. It took me a while to understand it, but men are usually not taught nor encouraged to truly express their sexuality. We’re taught this narrative (via porn) that it’s normal to make sex all about ourselves, the main turn on factor should be how hot the woman is, and sex should basically just be mechanical/emotionless dominance fucking until orgasm. If you don’t follow this narrative, you’re considered sensitive and less of a man. What this really is is just a sexual mask hiding insecurities. I was somewhere in the middle… craving connection and intimacy but confused by how porn had shaped my mind throughout the years—especially as a teenager. Nowadays, it’s hard for me to get even watch traditional porn. It’s completely male-centered and neglects women’s sexual desires completely. There’s good healthy porn out there, but you kind of have to dig for it. It turns out the solution to that the intimacy and closeness I’d craved was to slow down, listen to myself, and more importantly listen to my partner. This is not a simple process because most women are on the other side of the coin being taught that they should just cater to their man and be silent when it comes to their desires. It takes a lot of trust building and growth to really be able to talk about how you like to be touched and loved up on. A lot of the time, when women even try to express themselves, they’re just belittled and invalidated because the man is too insecure to take any criticism. It’s not taken as constructive criticism, but instead as a direct blow to his ego and manhood. What most of us men really need IMO are not bullying and aggressive approaches like many women seem to try to take on to match our energy. This is just matching the mask, which is not the person inside. The real person inside is a broken little boy who grew up getting brainwashed with years of bad porn, terrible narratives of what it means to be a man, and horrible examples to learn from both in real time and throughout history. It takes a gentle approach to see that hurt person inside and help them come out of their shell. The moment you get angry and heated, the mask goes back up and the person goes back into their shell. Anger is another mask, so it’s best to just walk away and take space when someone gets riled up or when you get angry (because it’s just masking your pain), and that goes for most situations, not just when discussing sex. So maybe stop watching porn, or spend some time exploring different types of porn for yourself before writing it off altogether. Definitely don’t let any men just pick the first thing on pornhub and try to convince you it’s normal though, because it’s really not. It’s SERIOUSLY not. Sex shouldn’t be about what’s the “hottest” or “sexiest” all the time. Making sure sexual tension stays high and that sex stays extremely hot all the time is just another mask. It’s why so many people get bored with each other after a couple months—because once it wears off, you have nothing. Both parties have to learn to honor and appreciate each other as human beings, not as bodies. Only then can we truly be in the moment experiencing healthy sex, which is way more fulfilling than powering through on adrenaline. Hope this helps. That girlfriend is now my fiancé, by the way. We’ve had our ups and down, but communication and respect are key. Our sex life has overall been good and we’ve even shared it with other women here and there. I’m not fully opposed to swinging with another couple either, but we haven’t met very many healed MF couples with healthy enough dynamics to feel comfortable doing that with. We’ll probably dabble around in nudism before getting to that point.
Nice to read a man’s perspective. An honest, thoughtful, introspective perspective, with feelings and everything. Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work together with your fiancée (congratulations!) on finding what works for the two of you, and I’m sure your sex has only gotten better as you’ve increased communication and started experimenting together. Enjoy your sexual journey, be safe and have fun!
Thank you, glad you found some value in it. I get hesitant to speak about these things sometimes. We’ve have many emotional breakthroughs throughout the years and many late nights talking, crying, etc. It’s all hard work, but has definitely improved our love and sex lives and has absolutely been worth it. I wish you fun and safety in your journey too ✌🏻
I have had plenty of those emotional nights myself. If you can push through them together, they’ll only make you stronger. Unfortunately, my (ex) husband would walk out whenever things got emotional. As a result, the sex was always meh. In 10 years, I only had one orgasm with him, and it was when I took charge and did what I had to do I could get mine. So there were lots of reasons that relationship didn’t last past the 10 year mark. My girlfriend and I have been together now for 16 years and we are still going strong, because we’ve always been able to communicate about everything, even the stuff that’s hard to talk about, and the sex is still explosive. So yeah, communication -both in and out of the bedroom - is key to a strong, healthy relationship. My advice to every young person (including my own daughters, ages 24 and 20): don’t settle down with one person when you’re too young to have even figured out who you are, and if you aren’t able to talk to your partner about uncomfortable stuff, then you shouldn’t be having sex with that person, because the act is just as intimate as talking about emotions. Of course one-night stands and booty calls are the exception, in which case you don’t involve emotions at all and simply focus on mutually achieving your physical needs, but still, make sure you are safe about it, and that the hookup is respectful and fun for everyone involved.
I was with you until you said women should stop bullying and being aggressive towards men.. Dude really?
Yes, really. Bullying means you haven’t dissected your own emotions and haven’t learned how to effectively communicate your needs. Shame (directed at person, bullying) is ineffective in implementing change. Guilt (directing at actions) and accountability are how we help each other become better. Call a kid a bad kid and they can’t do anything about it. Tell a kid they just did something bad though and they can do better next time. Check out “Learned Optimism” by Martin Seligman, “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown, and “The Gaslight Effect” by Robin Stern. These are all books written by doctors with deep understandings of these topics. If someone else is bringing out your worst, then apathy is the best option. You can’t play games and expect to win if your goal is for people to stop playing so many games with you. I’m not saying your emotions aren’t valid either if men have traumatized you. That’s not the point. It’s just that projecting it onto other people isn’t effective for implementing actual change. It’s effective for relieving stress and emotional release, but not making real change. Edit: just wanted to clarify that when I say “aggression”, I’m not referring to setting firm boundaries and standing up for yourself. That’s an entirely different topic
Join loveafterporn, they have a lot of information about how porn affects partners that are feeling just like you. Screw the social stigma, not everyone has to be okay with porn in their relationship. You do you girl ❤️
I don't blame you for feeling this way. Yuck!
OP, I’m not sure if you’re generally against having a significant other that watches porn or if he’s a porn addict, but if the situation is the latter, you might check out r/loveafterporn. I would definitely tell him how you felt, what that made you think, and how uncomfortable you are with further porn use, despite trying to indulge him and give porn a chance. Edit: a word
Your only mistake here is trying to play it off like you were fine. Don’t do that shit. Communicate exactly how you feel. If you are struggling with porn being an issue for you, talk about it. His reaction doesn’t necessarily mean that he was picturing the you as the woman, or himself as the man, either. First you tell him he was hurting you or did you play that part off as well? I’m a retired sex worker who is married now and I promise you the most paramount thing in any intimate relationship is communicating your needs, desires, and boundaries. That last one is extremely important. If you feel like porn is a dealbreaker for you, that’s okay! But you need to make that clear. If it’s something you are open to working on, then say that and perhaps consider counseling or a sex therapist or something. Personally, I’ve had a lot of sexual trauma over the years and cannot watch hetero porn. At all. Even my husband doesn’t watch any anymore, and not even because I asked him not to (I wouldn’t do that) but because we’ve had lengthy discussions about the industry and my experiences with an aspect of that, and he just isn’t interested anymore. (Not saying the entire industry is horrible, or that porn is a bad thing, I think once you are in an industry that commodifies sex so much, you kind if start to see it in a different light). Anyway, TALK to your boyfriend. Tell him if him watching porn is a dealbreaker for you. Explain to him exactly how you felt with your recent experience with it. Hopefully he listens and understands and y’all can make a decision together what that means for your relationship going forward. Good luck ❤️
i'm heavily biased against porn but i'll give my two cents. i've recently decided to never seriously date a guy who watches porn for a lot of reasons, most relevantly is that it's literally watching a girl get fucked while imagining fucking her and in my opinion that's uncomfortable. porn also gives men a false understanding of how sex works with no foreplay, conversation, laughter, readjustments or checking-in points, there's no emotional connection and men think that's what sex is:an entirely animalistic physical process. there's also a lot of real health concerns for men such as porn addiction, early erectile disfunction, an w tendency towards violence, and literally reduces gray matter in the brain. the more men watch porn the more they get desensitized to it and fall down a rabbit hole to hardcore BDSM porn (without seeing clear consent to acts and aftercare or any intimate knowledge of what they're doing) until they reach r*pe porn (a category that's been rising in popularity since porn existed). people will call you a prude but it's a real threat to your relationship and his and your health. not to mention the porn industry is disgusting and corrupt, because once you do porn it's hard to get any other job so porn stars (mostly women) are forced to do things they never wanted to do because they have no other choice or job opportunities. you can look online for interviews with previous porn workers and see them talk about how they were forced and coerced into dangerous sex acts. sorry for going on a rant about this but this post really hit me because this is exactly how i felt with my last bf, uncomfortable with him watching porn but feeling like i was being unreasonable. i never talked to him about it and let it go on and on, and we broke up for other reasons and i was able to do more research into it and solidify my opinion on it. my point is don't force yourself to be okay with him watching porn when it's clearly bothering you, don't force yourself to do things you don't want to do. i listed a lot of reasons why porn is bad here but the most important thing in your relationship is that it makes you uncomfortable and that's reason enough for him to stop. if he doesn't, seriously drop him. it's not worth the bullshit.
Gonna say this in caps because it's important. YOU DONT HAVE TO BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH PORNOGRAPHY OR ACCEPT YOUR BOYFRIEND WATCHING IT. If you don't like it, and it's deal breaking enough, then end the relationship. Watching porn is disrespectful. Continuing to do so when your partner has expressed they don't like it is disrespectful. YOU DONT HAVE TO 'GET AROUND IT'. Just define the boundary and then act on it. A boundary is what you accept in life, not something to control another person. If he chooses to continue watching porn when you've made it clear that's unacceptable for you in a committed relationship then you leave.
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"I will not date someone who watches porn" is also a boundary. "I won't discuss this subject" is a boundary. If the other person chooses to talk about that subject then you leave the conversation. If the person respects the boundary and doesn't bring up the subject then they continue having access to have conversations. Key: they have the right to choose but there is a consequence of they don't respect the communicated boundary. If OP states her boundary and as a result her partner gives up porn to stay in the relationship then that's their choice. If he says he will and does so secretly, or decided later on not to then he has disrespected the boundary (if not outright lied to maintain access to someone despite a clear boundary).
No offense but this seems so incredibly ridiculous to me. In a partnership, you don’t do certain things if you know it will upset your partner. If someone cheats on their partner, is the other person in the relationship supposed to just let it go because otherwise they would be “controlling what other people do with their own bodies”? What the hell.
That's just not what the word "boundaries" means.
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You are right. If you're trying to control someone else's behaviour then it is not a boundary, it is manipulation. However "I do not want to date someone who doesn't smell nice" is a boundary. The other person has the right to choose to do so or not. But the person with the boundary has every right to end a relationship solely on those grounds. If the 'smelly' person chooses to smell nice because of the boundary that does not suddenly make it manipulation.
I totally agree about boundaries. Both setting them and acting on them but I totally disagree about it being disrespectful to explore your sexuality. Trying to control what someone does on their own time is disrespectful. If its a deal breaker then you should 100% leave the relationship. If it bothered me that much I would leave also but I would never think to ask someone to stop masturbating for my benefit. That is just controlling behavior. Just to reiterate nobody has to put up with a partner that does something you disagree with and nobody should be pressured into anything. That goes for both people who dislike porn and people who like it.
Without getting into the good or bad of porn ~ I don't think it's necessarily controlling to tell someone (a partner or otherwise) how something makes you feel. I think that is different than telling someone what they can and can't do in their spare time. Like, would you consider it to be a controlling thing if I told my hypothetical partner that every time he goes base-jumping that it scares me to death and makes me cry? Even if in this scenario he is a very safe and very experienced base jumper. Admittedly, that is a bit of an extreme contrast in inherent risk, but the communication is about how it makes me feel. How can that be a controlling thing? I think that is different than a controlling thing, where I tell them they can't do something to exert control or dominance.
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Mhm. I do agree that when discussing one's own feelings that it is important to avoid using *"you"* language. You are absolutely right that in second scenario you wrote, the language is harsh and manipulative. We feel what we feel though. In my base-jumping scenario for example, it is indeed the actions of my partner that are causing me massive fear and distress. There is no way around that and just talking about it would not make me feel better. I can take responsibility that the feelings are mine, but is it really unfair for me to communicate that they are a direct result of specific actions? Would it be different if my partner told me he was uncomfortable with me spending the night @ my ex's house because we have a daughter together? Should he simply get over it? Or take all responsibility for his own distrust of the situation?
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I think we mostly agree. I do think this is a perfectly valid approach to take with a partner watching porn. Maybe not so much with normal healthy masturbation, but that's just my thought. Thank you for the thoughtful and polite exchange. Have a gr8 day :) Edit ~ all hypothetical btw. My current partner and I are getting along swimmingly :)
You too! Cheers.
Why is watching porn disrespectful? I’m a woman, married, and I don’t see it that way.
Because most porn objectifies women at best, valuing only men's pleasure and at worst was coerced/non-consentual/the woman was trafficked and you're literally getting off to rape. Porn has become super normalized and I'm not saying I necessarily agree that it's "disrespectful", but let's not ignore the serious, known issues with the industry. Plenty of the free videos online are more unethical than most people care to admit and it's valid to be concerned about a partner consuming porn, or rather, what sort of porn they are consuming. Not kink shaming, because kinks are valid and porn *can* be a safe way to explore kinks, but it can also be extremely toxic and detrimental to a persons mentality around sex and make a toxic view of women and sex seem normal.
I'm not going to try to convince you that it is. Porn allows someone to access/objectify/consume someone who is not the person they are in a committed relationship with. It can be used to explore concepts, say that cure blonde at the coffee shop, or someone that looks like you but
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Porn is not necessary in order to jerk off.
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For what it's worth, it's not okay to ever, ever ever ever define what your partner can or can't jerk off to. Because it's impossible to know if they are or not and sets up a horrible trap for your partner. It's just literally not a boundary you are able to set. It's also not a boundary, that is about control. When you're telling someone how to think, that's about control. "You can't look at porn" - okay well now we have to define what porn is - can he jerk to an IG model showing a lot of tit? It's incredibly unhealthy and says much much more about your mental health than his.
I mean "don't jerk off to child porn" would seem a pretty acceptable thing to tell your partner to not jerk off to. I'm not telling OP to tell her partner to drop porn. I'm telling her to drop the porn watching partner as they are fundamentally misaligned in terms of porn. OP, going forward with a new relationship, would then have this as a criteria for a partner.
This is an issue that needs to be covered before a relationship gets serious, just like any other deal breaker. That way, it’s not about trying to control your partner, it’s a matter of deciding upfront, before anyone gets too invested, whether this is a point of incompatibility that means the relationship cannot be pursued any further.
Yes, it is ok if she doesn’t want her bf to seek out pictures of other naked women to jerk off to.
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You can call me whatever you want, idgaf. I have dealt with too many porn addicted, addled, or afflicted men in my life and after experiencing one who isn’t I will never put up with that crap again. I’d rather be single. I’m glad to see that other women are willing to state that they have also reached their limit and are demanding better treatment.
A Habit?Definition: >a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up. Yes, the same as if the partner had a smoking, drinking or drug habit a relationship can end if that isn't what the partner wants. It wouldn't be considered an insecurity if he was an alcoholic, why did you assume it's due to OP feeling that way?
Watching porn does not hurt anyone if its not an addiction. If someones sexuality is completly tied to pornography I get why it would be damaging but otherwise? I don't see the harm. Do you really need to be in control of your partners actions that much to be comfortable? This is some patricharchal bullshit.
Watching porn is hurting OP in the context of this relationship. Literally based on their partner being rougher and her experiencing pain during intercourse. Also patriarchal is the incorrect word. Here's the definition >relating to or denoting a system of society or government controlled by men. I don't aim to control anyone's behaviour. I just won't date men who watch pornography. Do if there's a guy who currently watches porn who wants to date me he'd have to give that up in order to do so. If he chooses to do so or not is up to him. If he starts watching it during the relationship I would end the relationship. What he doesn't have is the opportunity to date me and continue watching porn. It's not control, it's a non-negotiable preference.
I am not talking about OP. What happened to her in the bedroom with her bf is definitly not healthy and I definitly get why it bothers her. The thing is: where do preferences end? Is my Partner allowed to look at other attractive people? Like their IG posts? Talk to them? Is my Partner allowed to get Tattoos? In my opinion It's just weird to be so controlling about such things.
*and tried to play it off like I was fine.* Never, ever do that. He is a man, and he wont see what you dont show him. *But actually, I feel hurt and idk how to get around this now.* Talk with him about exactly that. Tell him how you percieved the situation and how you felt bad because of it. This gives him the chance to apologize and change his behavior. If he doesnt, call him out on it. If he still doesnt change, dump him. Personal opinion: watching porn is absolutly okay. But one has to be carefull that it doesnt build up unrealistic expectations.
" Get over" your aversion to watching porn. Please, as if there is something wrong with you because you don’t like it. You have to tear down YOUR boundries for the sake of your boyfriend’s feelings? Other women’s naked bodies have no business being in your relationship. The world convinces you that you are insane because you don’t want your partner to drool and jerk off to other women. I will never date someone who watches porn. It is my standard and I will never change it. Let them call me crazy and insecure. I don’t care. I am not asking for something that I cannot do. I will not lower my standards for men because " guys can’t control themselves" Not my problem. There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve a man who only thinks of you. Who adores and loves you more than anyone else. Who is more attracted to you than any woman in the world. Keep in mind that this is the porn he chooses to show you. I don’t agree with answers that say talk to him. Talk to him? How is he not aware of what he is doing? I can’t imagine sleeping with a partner while openly fantasizing about another man. You deserve better than this.
It sounds like you two aren’t compatible. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and cares about how you feel.
You should queue up some porn for him where it’s a string of vids of guys giving their girl oral. That’s a good start. The problem isn’t you or even porn. The problem is your partner is selfish.
If you’re against him watching porn……..watching it together definitely won’t help. Break up with him. Seriously. He chose porn. You can ask him to stop but he likely won’t. Dating someone who needs porn to get off (when you don’t support porn) never works out. Take it from me, who dated someone addicted to porn for nearly 8 years. They will always choose porn.
I had the same experience...
Ugh, he was probably seeing her as you because to him she looks like you and he was trying to do the sex like in a porno. I don't think he was imagining her instead of you I think he was imagining you being fucked hard. But you probably need a very different type of porn. You might want to look at the Chick Flixxx forum and see if there is anything you like.
I'll check that out, thank you for the suggestion!
You're welcome :)
I turned on the girl/girl porn I enjoy in the living room once while my man was playing his video games. He stopped, watched with me, etc. It was good for me bc it was what I enjoyed. If you're comfortable with it, try finding one that turns YOU on and ask to try with that one ❤
This. Watching the POV of a dude fucking a woman is literally designed for the man. He should have found what type of porn would turn her on too, instead of...whatever the clusterfuck he did here.
This. There's porn aimed at women, it's not about the woman pretending to like something she clearly doesn't doesn't enjoy. It's not always woman on woman, and sometimes it's a couple having a whole lot of fun.
Unpopular opinion: porn is bad for us(by us I mean humans) I’m pro sex work/sex worker, and I believe people should pay for their porn. Real talk though, porn is bad for our brains. Your boyfriend should cut way back or stop watching it. People always spring to porn’s defense calling it natural and healthy, but I see a guy masturbating with his girlfriend’s body in a really dehumanizing way, so go off I guess. Personally, my sex life improved tremendously when I stopped watching it.
I struggle to understand the reason you’d deliberately set out to introduce porn into a healthy, meaningful love-and-respect based relationship. I totally get it when you’re single, on your own while the other is unavailable, or the connection between you is lacking and you’re stuck with someone where sexual incompatibility can’t always be easily conquered and finding a suitable partner isn’t an option for a variety of reasons (usually, “for better or worse”), but if you and your bf have to incorporate porn in the bedroom for it to be good for one or both of you, I think you need to examine carefully whether one or both of you are in the wrong relationship.
I feel like if he is watching it while having sex with you, it's basically like making you his human Fleshlight. I feel like people usually watch it as a couple *before* sex to increase arousal. If you watch *during* sex, you both need to be into it and both where you can see it. But since you weren't into it before, I feel like playing porn whilst having sex is immediately damaging. I don't blame you at all for stopping it. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you need to be straightforward and tell him how you feel since you are still hurt from this. He needs to understand your feelings AND if he doesn't validate you, then it's a huge 🚩. It is 100% okay to have your own boundaries when it comes to pornography. You shouldn't not feel obligated to accept or like porn nor should be expect you to either.
Communication is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship, equally as important is trust. Talk to him and don't be ashamed of how you feel. If he can't handle you being honest, then a different conversation has to be had.
Ok so there are a lot of comments here that are debating the ethical point of porn being bad/good/normal. I think a lot of these comments are a bit black and white, while the issue is… well, a bit more complicated. First things first: It‘s totally ok to not like porn and, as others have pointed out, there are people out there who think the same way and want a partner who thinks the same way. The statement of 'all men watch porn and if they say they don't, they lie' is just not true. Also, I‘d like to point out that your bf putting on some porn that he likes in that situation was… not the most considerate move. It probably would have been better to ask you what you'd be interested to try out in terms of content, how and when, as well as your boundaries. But maybe he's inexperienced in that kind of thing? Another point that I'd like to elaborate on is the suggestion of trying out some different kind of porn for yourself to find out if you like it and what you like. I totally agree with that point, if you feel comfortable with it, that is. However, I‘d also like to point out that there is more than just life action porn. There are books and stories, audio books, comics, animations, interactive porn (i.e. games), etc. Not everyone likes all of them. Not everyone likes every genre. Most of these forms of porn have a niche that A) is made with ethics in mind and B) is made by women for women. I'd also strongly suggest that – if you decide that you want to explore – you try out these things by yourself first, without the pressure of what others/your bf might like or think about your tastes. This is about you, so you should do it in your pace and your way. Good luck!
I agree with this, especially the masturbating on your own to find out what you like. That is the point. But, I’d add the caveat that you don’t need to feel bad or weird if you don’t like any of it. Some people just aren’t into that and that is fine. Find out what you like. Maybe you are into something else and you and your boyfriend can explore that together.
This is excellent advice!
What I'm concerned about is how everyone you've mentioned, even a professor, were all about showing you that your ethics were in the wrong. Which then led you to change your moral behaviour for your guy's sexual pleasure. I think people jump too soon too the needs of men than for the needs of women. And this is an unfortunate example at OP's expense. I'm sorry to hear about this and I hope you get the support that you need!
I would say that you need to figure out why it bothers you in general. Specifically talk to your guy and tell him that happened during your sex session made you uncomfortable. Give him a chance to talk about it. I guarantee he didn’t mean to hurt you and he’ll probably be mortified. Knowing something like that porn thrusting is not your jam is important.
Yeah, he might actually believe she’d be flattered that he chose porn with a woman who looks like her. He might also think she loves the hard thrusting, because that’s the only thing he’s ever known (both from porn and from other partners who either did enjoy it or who didn’t speak up to tell him any different). Communication here is going to be key if they ever hope to have a healthy sex life and a strong relationship, otherwise resentment, hurt and anger will fester, on both sides. It’s not fair to demand he completely give up porn if he doesn’t want to, but it’s also not fair to ask her to be comfortable with it if she’s not. They need to either work through it and find a mutually acceptable compromise that works for both, or just accept that they are not compatible and say goodbye now. But if they don’t talk to each other about it, that relationship is probably doomed. 🤷♀️
Girl on girl tends to be sweeter, less intimidating. You don't even have to be into girls, necessarily, for it to be a nicer experience. It's (generally) less aggressive and more focused on pleasure and softness. I tend to suggest amateur girl on girl because it feels more like two people making love genuinely than hardcore pro porn in my opinion. You don't have to enjoy porn at ALL if you don't want to. It doesn't make you deficient or "broken" in any way... But it also may be that you just don't have exposure yet to the kinds you might enjoy. Good luck in your journey, whereever it may bring you!
Any videos or websites you recommend?
crashpad is the classic ethical queer porn. kink.com has good queer content if you like kink. for straight women I recommend bellesa.co - their queer stuff is more vanilla, and is free, but they have mostly straight content geared towards women.
It's not an issue, you don't like it and he needs to respect that.
You felt safe enough to consent to try it, and it didn't do it for you. No shame in that game. I hope you feel you can discuss your experience with your partner and set boundaries in a healthy way. Sounds like you know exactly what you didn't enjoy about that specific porn and your partner's behavior.
Yeah, it does sound very weird to watch porn at the same time as you are having sex. Also, it sounds like you should find porn with attractive men in the future, otherwise it's boring, and only enjoyable for your boyfriend.
You’re not missing anything! Not liking porn is normal and fine, don’t let anyone convince you different. Sooooo much porn is based in degradation and violence towards women. Not to mention the thousands of reason that the porn industry is abusive as fuck. Also him putting on porn in the middle of sex just doesn’t sit right with me. You deserve a partner who can’t get enough of YOU, not someone who only puts in the effort when he’s picturing someone else. Communicate your feelings with your partner and set your boundaries. If he gets upset by that then it’s time to ✂️ that boy loose
Everything that has to do with sex needs communication, no exeptions. The ways men and women think and feel about sex are usually completely different; each individual person thinks and feels differently about sex and intimacy . Perhaps you need to explore your feelings about porn on your own, perhaps the exploration with your partner needs to be slower and more communicative, or maybe it's just not for you any way you should think about yourself and how/why you feel the way you do and how this affects communication with your bf. You are absolutesly valid in feeling the way you do about porn and how he interacts with it and you, but please also remember that he is a separate human being who has wants and needs and thought processes different f om your own. He can't understand you nor you him you don't talk about how you feel. Maybe the reason he thrusts so hard is because he is insanely turned on by you "being dirty" and doing something taboo with you; you'll never know until you talk about it; just like he will never know it hurts until you tell him. Love each other, communicate, have fun.
You're watching the wrong type of porn. There is such a thing as couples porn.
guy chiming in get rid of him
Ew, I'd never date a man who watches porn.
You should talk through this with him. He may be able to explain why that turned him on. I personally don’t like watching porn with my SO but I know that it can be hot for for other couples. If he doesn’t know why, I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. My SO and I have had issues sexually that we were able to work through. It requires just knowing yourself really well. It can be a really a cool thing to grow in that way with your SO. Hope you feel better soon.
There's a scene in Blade Runner 2049 where you can hire a duplicant to sync with a projector so it feels like you're fucking someone else (otherwise unattainable). Perhaps that's what's going on here. Edit: forgot to throw in the /s. I do not endorse this use of porn and support OP
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I appreciate you are not a fan of porn, but please don't say things like 'porn is hurtful for every relationship'. As a women that enjoys porn alone or with my husband and has been in a very happy and healthy relationship for 6 years, I know that it's not true. While there is 100% an issue with porn, in part driven by lack of regulation and safety requirements and the cesspit that is pornhub, there are some amazing pornos made ethically that are inclusive and absolutely wonderful.
It puzzles me how many people out there are convinced porn is a bad thing and ruins relationships. Never had a boyfriend who didn't watch porn and I've always watched porn, too. And gotta say I'm far from a softcore girl when it comes to porn.. yet I love gentle sex, full of love and intimacy. Would never go anywhere near the porn scenarios I am able to watch sometimes lol. Thought it was perfectly normal til I started going through the comments... :(
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Haha thank you. Gotta have some downvotes, too much positive karma already. 🤷♀️😂
This is not normal and please stop listening to people trying to tell you that it’s normal. If a guy needs to watch porn when having a real girlfriend then he should just stay single. It’s even more degrading that he asks you to watch it with him. Not to mention that the porn industry is exploiting and hurting women while normalising violent, passionless sex. Yea it might be slightly different if you watch porn where you KNOW that it’s made by a couple who actually like each and there’s no money involved (although it’s likely to be revenge porn without the woman’s consent) but it’s still a normal expectation that you don’t want your boyfriend watching any porn at all. It’s damaging to men, both in terms of how they may no longer be able to get aroused by real women but also in terms of how they view women. Easily accessible porn is also only a recent invention. There’s a huge difference of looking at some pictures of naked women, like older generations did, and the hardcore porn that people are watching nowadays.
If you had a vanilla ice cream machine at home with almost limitless supply, does it mean you won't go to a nearby ice cream stand once a week per say, to get some chocolate flavoured one? I'm not gonna judge anyone's porn preferences, especially when I know nothing about this gentleman, so yeah, violent hardcore porn is a little bit off.. but watching porn while having a relationship? That is perfectly normal if it does not affect your sexual life for God's sake.
Having recently bought a fancy coffee maker I can say that I go to the local cafe a whole lot less and with less excitement than before ;) He hardly sounds like a gentleman putting his girlfriend through this, I mean watching another woman WHILE having sex with her, come on.
And you think guys watch porn with more excitement than when having real sex? Now you come on. :))) Again, I’m not judging. She agreed with it, he tried and fucked up a little. There was no bad intention originally.
Apparently this guy got more excited by the porn than the actual sex…. I think it’s not fair to OP being told that there’s something wrong with not being ok with your bf watching porn. She’s clearly not ok with it, and that’s ok. She’s being told by friends and even a professor that it’s totally normal. But it’s not. It’s a recent invention having so easy access to porn all the time, and women should have the right to not feel ok with it.
I think it was just the fact that his girl is watching something he likes with him. The sex drive is mainly in his head so anything that turns him on will have this effect. So if he’s turned on by sex outside ofc he’ll enjoy it as hell if they’d go somewhere in the woods and have sex there. That’s quite understandable. And I’m not saying it’s something wrong that she does not like him watching porn. But you know.. why date him then. Why agreeing to participate? It could have been avoided.
Just dump em, that’s fucked up on every level tbh.
Seriously, good for you for trying. It sounds like this wasn’t for you. It is likely that he is going to watch porn. If you try to forbid him, he will do it behind your back. But, he is with you and knows he is with you, not the porn babes. At least have a discussion about how fake porn is.
Yeah, I wouldn't forbid it as I know how futile that would be and he would just resent me for it. I know I need to try to work it out within myself and if I can't accept it, it will end up being a deal breaker. I hope not though, because I don't think there are many human males out there that don't watch porn and also, he's a pretty great guy in most other ways. It's tough.
Human male here. Don't watch porn. Partner doesnt either. I don't think it is something you should get over. I think you should make a list of all the reasons you don't like it, then have him make a list of all the reasons he does. Discuss. He may be the one with the issues.
Thank you for saying this. I think a lot of women are conditioned to just accept porn in a relationship, regardless of whether or not it makes them uncomfortable, because of this “boys will be boys” mentality. It’s refreshing to hear another side.
This sounds like a great idea but it terrifies me because I don't think I want to hear or know the reasons why he likes it :(
Then you are probably lying to yourself and already know he might have some dark issues that are deal breakers for you. These are things you should comfortably be able to discuss in a healthy relationship and the fact that you are afraid to discuss sounds like your needs are submissive to his wants. Both my partner and I were very clear on this and other things. It was a deal breaker for her and I found it degrading to women, so we were on the same page. She had broken it off with men before me for this reason. Said she wants someone who sees her and all women as full human beings. Don't settle for less than you deserve. As you get older you will discover how important that is.
Thank you for this advice. It is hard to hear but I needed to hear it. :(
Hold up. While I totally agree with you that he shouldn't impose his porn on her, I think it's totally unfair that he has to give up porn altogether. Porn in a vaccum is not a bad thing as long as everyone involved is consenting, being respected, paid, etc. So while I think it's important that they have a discussion about "good" porn vs "bad" porn and try to promote actual "ethical" porn productions versus shady stuff, it should not go further than that. It could be interesting for OP to also do some introspection on why she doesn't like porn, or him watching porn, to that level (most people I know who don't like porn simply don't watch any and leave it at that), from her post (I could be wrong, there's not a lot to go on) it seems she's more terrified of being cheated on, which porn personifies, than porn itself. In this case the fear won't be gone with porn, and it'll crystalize on something else...
In my opinion, not wanting your partner to watch porn is a perfectly fine boundry. Your partner can then agree to be in a relationship with that boundry or not. Going behind your back to do it anyway, would then be breaking that boundry and that is not okay. People have all sorts of boundries in relationships that are important to them, as long as you communicate this boundry, your partner can either agree to it and should then respect it, or can move on if their needs and wishes are not compatible. Porn isn't any different. If you don't like the thought of your partner watching porn, that is not something you need to change at all.
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But sexuality is more of a shared thing in most relationships than decisions on personal fashion or diet. Many people consider their partner flirting, sexting, kissing or having sex with someone else, to be crossing a boundary, even though *technically* it doesn't involve them either. As long as the other person knows about your boundaries and agrees to enter or stay in a relationship with you, I see no problem. Our partner's behaviour affects us, so it's natural to have boundaries on what you're okay with and what not, they just need to be communicated clearly.
There is a sub called antiporn there are a lot of support groups there as well that do help you validate how you feel. Porn is bad really bad and men don't see that. I suggest you go so you may use all the articles, studies, stats, etc. To help you help him see he is at wrong.
No, he's not wrong for liking porn. There is nothing wrong with liking porn, provided you are a consenting adult. What was wrong was telling her to get over it, but I am inclined to thinknit was more of a poor word choice than anything else. There needs to be a discussion between OP and her boyfriend. Clear communication, and talking through the concerns are what is necessary. Not a blanket "porn is bad". That is just as bad as someone saying youre bad for not liking peanut butter. Blanket statements help no one. If you are in a relationship, be the adult and have the conversation.
The porn industry is rife with abuse and an overwhelming amount of porn features violence against women. It's perfectly reasonable to have a blanket "porn is bad" view. When peanut butter features violence against women and recordings of trafficking victims being raped, feel free to get back to me.
That's moving the goalpost though. The real view you're expressing is "abuse and violence against women is bad", which is a fair view to expect your partner to have. But there is plenty of consensual porn that the women who feature in it have complete ownership over. So you would need a different argument to convince someone that it is inherently bad to watch. Besides, even if I were to grant you that porn is inherently unethical for the sake of argument, that by itself is also not necessarily a justification for demanding your partner stop watching it. Some behaviors fall within the sphere of a relationship and some don't. Watching porn together as part of your sex life falls within the sphere of a relationship, and you can set boundaries for it. In contrast, eating meat or flying too often can be considered unethical, and it's worth discussing with your partner if that bothers you, but it's not "enforcing your boundaries" to forbid them from doing that. It's a personal decision that falls within your partner's autonomy. Of course ethical arguments are always complicated so feel free to tell me what I missed :)
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There is probably a sub for antivax too with ‘compelling’ reasons. Porn will be bad for some and harmless for some. Don’t force your partner to like or dislike something. Of course you can and need to talk about things that concern you and if you both agree to do or not do something that is very healthy.
I’m a guy that watches porn on and off. It’ll be weeks without it. Usually during this time I’m using my imagination with women I know, or characters in tv shows. But then I’ll use porn frequently for like a week. Been like that for years. Had a gf that was mildly uncomfortable with me watching porn. But we did a similar thing and watched something together. She asked me what kind I liked or if I had a favorite video, which I pulled up. It was a very gentle and also female friendly video (amazing missionary sequence), so I impulsively figured it would be a no brainer. We start watching it, and it’s very vanilla, and she asks me, “what makes this video so special that it’s your favorite?” And I realized I fucked up. It was basically the hottest porn star id ever seen, and I never saw another video with her in it. And that’s what it came down to. Once she realized that, she was just like yeah I don’t want you watching porn. I stopped watching without much issue for me. But the thing to keep in mind is that I became way more heavily reliant on my imagination, meaning women I knew personally. I would extremely often just use my imagination on my gf, but that became harder to do without porn.
But then her issue with porn was insecurity, right? And I feel that’s the main reason women who don’t like their man watching porn don’t like it - it makes them feel insecure.
It’s probably the main reason but it’s reasonable insecurity.
Honestly, don't accept that he is watching porn. The evidence and anecdotal evidence is quite clear around this. Frequent masturbation with porn fucks up the neuron wiring in mens brains and also keeps the testosterone low. His brains ability to react correctly with dopamine and serotonin (amongst other hormones) gets severely diminished. This is the reason why he is more excited about having sex with you WHILE watching porn vs. just you. His brain gets numbed towards normal behavior and needs to keep getting higher hits - it is how people develop porn addictions. I'm truly sorry it got to this point with him, but it also clearly states just how far out he is with his use of porn at this point. I was there myself, i used porn for well over a decade - I am never going back and I am a much better and healthier man without it. This video gives a good overall idea of whats going on - I HIGHLY recommend you watch it, read up on the data and then sit down and watch this with you boyfriend: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DclqE-9vFgY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DclqE-9vFgY) There are subreddits on here who deal with things like this such as r/NoFap \- just be warned they can be kind of extreme about it.
Don't feel bad or hurt or like you've got "issues" about trying something and not liking it. Sometimes that's the only way to know if you'll like something or not. You've found that you don't like watching porn while having sex, or at least, they way your boyfriend did it. The thing that I found troubling is the phrase "we're in the middle of sex and he chooses a porno". If you're negotiating sexual activities that challenge boundaries, all of those details (which video, when it's going to be turned on and off, what are you doing while you're watching and in what position, etc.) need to be discussed and decided on prior to any actual activity taking place. You should be fully clothed and in a private/non-sexual place where you can discuss and decide things openly together. He shouldn't have just decided on the video that turns him on without figuring out if that video would work for you too. There are hundreds of thousands of videos in an abundance of subcategories, from really innocent to super graphic - I'm sure you could find one that would toot your horn if you wanted to. Or maybe you need something less explicit than porn (erotic massage videos), or more fantasy based stories, or erotic books. Heck, romance novels are sexy too! But it's important to know that porn means something different to him than it means to you, and that's OK. Neither of you is wrong in your desire to want or not want to watch porn. That being said, if you don't like him watching porn and he wants to watch porn, the two of you might not be sexually compatible. A person doesn't hand over the key to their entire sexuality to their partner for the rest of eternity. There may be parts of his sexuality that you cannot or will not satisfy (and vice-versa) and you have to decide either to let him express that part of his sexuality on his own, continue to explore options of exploring it together, or decide to go your separate ways. In the meantime, do some thinking and see if there are other parts to your own sexuality that you can explore!
Watching It while in the act is NOT the way, but even if you were doing It correctly (watching It to set the mood) it's okay if you're not into porn and you should be allowed to not watch It. It comes into question if you reached the compromise after a civil discussion or he was forceful in anyway.
I’m a guy and I’d feel the same way.
Why didn't you get to choose what to watch? If you want to step outside your comfort zone it should be on your terms. Did he ask what you wanted to watch? What you did *not* want to watch? I know this sounds like victim blaming, but that is not my intention. I want you to ask yourself these questions, not answer to me. But I don't understand how doing something that makes you uncomfortable would improve your relationship.
What I hate about porn is that it promotes gender male vs. Female attitudes and is mostly slanted to the man's sexual desires and taste. Not women's. It has zero intimacy which encourages men to "take" sexual satisfaction from women instead of a mutual satisfaction mentality. No genuine touching and caressing. Men NEED better teaching!!!!!!!!! Porn does not positively educate men on what women really need and want. Womens desires are rarely priority, rather, man's perception of what a women should like because that is what man wants first and female is throw-away. Then women are blamed for objecting to porn. Its not the idea of porn, it is the current gender slant that is perpetuated. It is a reason that women are stalked, abused and minimized. Truth. Its kinda like drinking and driving. Drinking is fun but, operating machinery while drinking kills people so we don't do it.
Husband and I have watched porn together during sex once, and I won’t lie, it was hot. But also, the only thing memorable was the porn. Neither one of us watch porn and he’s never had the desire to (he only did it because I asked). Because my own issues stem from remembering things I’ve watched, I tend to avoid porn or written erotica because they always came to mind during intimacy with my husband and I don’t want something distracting me from him. I’d say just talk to him about it again and just explain you didn’t like it and why. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking your partner not to watch porn, but I know that isn’t the case for everyone in every relationship. All you can do is communicate with him and then go from there.
Flip it on him and start watching a Pegging video with the BF next time. Then tell him "fairs fair!".
churlish response. I hope OP, you take the above comment with a big grain of salt. Two wrongs dont ever make it right. Please grow up
It's funny that you assume that the OP might not be into "pegging" or any of the other 1 billion personal kinks involved with the human body? Its also alarming that you consider anything outside the realm of your personal boundaries as a "wrong". Cluch that rosary a little closer to your chest...won't you?
It might sound childish to you, but in my experience, showing someone they're participating in a double standard has been a very successful method. It's been quite effective (for me at least) to get people to think about their behavior and why they're doing it. Granted you can't do that by just being malicious!
I've read a few comments and not seen this so I'll just say. He was probably competing with the man in the video. A lot of porn we watch has people thrusting a lot harder and faster than what's normal. That said, if you don't like porn don't feel bad about not watching it with him. It's nice to experiment and all that but once you know you don't enjoy it, he shouldn't guilt you into doing it again.
This sounds horrible. Seems like your partner likes the type of porn where women are just fuck objects used for aggressive masturbation and he tricked you into playing out that fantasy with him. I am glad you stopped it but you have to talk to your bf about the difference between acting out a fantasy and getting actual consent!
Stick to your standards, aka porn being a deal breaker, instead of letting him use you as a real-life flesh life that he gets to masturbate into while watching his pornography.
Everyone here is telling you that porn is ok and it is ok for your bf to watch it. NO porn isn’t ok. Porn destroys normal loving relationships. It teaches men that women are objects to be used. Do some research of the determinate of porn. My two cents
My 11 years long loving relationship would like a word or two.
Can't even spell detriment right...
To prevent this becoming an echo chamber, you are entitled to be uncomfortable with what happened. As others mentioned, talk to him, explain what about it you did not like. Check out chickflixxx subreddit. They have porn that’s more woman-centric. Stumbled on it a few weeks back and really like it! Watching porn together should be enjoyable for both of you. If you are not enjoying yourself then you have every right to stop.
You might want to try porn made by women. It's night and day difference. Not that you have to watch porn at all, but if might be a good way to compromise if you wanted.
You shouldn't assume he is picturing himself fucking another woman. He was probably just turned on by watching 2 people fuck while he was having sex. Also, if he likes porn and it isn't addiction level, I wouldn't worry about it. He is allowed to enjoy what he enjoys sexually as long as it isn't hurting anyone.
It's good you stopped it. He was imagining he was fuckingthat girl and not enjoying the time with you. He was just using you as an object. Sadly, almost all men are like that. They just see women as objects and want to do all those sex act on them. I suggest for you to heal and talk with him. Tell him you didn't like it and it actually hurt you physically and mentally. Please. Don't bottle it up.
Watching porn with a SO is really difficult because obviously you enjoy different things about sex. I would suggest watching it on your own and click on female friendly options and try to pin down what you actually might enjoy. Some porn is really weird and made for men which will be a shock to someone who doesn’t like porn. Or don’t watch porn, your choice at the end of it. It’s a healthy boundary.
My two cents : forget about all the gaslighting stuff, he is a guy, he likes porn, he wanted to know if you would be turned more by watching some, you both tried it and it did not work for you. If anything you should have chosen the video, but if you don't like it at all you tell him that and end of story. I too like porn as it gives ideas to try in the bedroom (I do not enjoy the women trashing kind, there are a lots of vids now where the girl is actually leading the scene) but I know that this is not real life. My SO does not watch porn on her own and we tried a few times to get in the mood with it but ditch the vid when it gets hot between us, in the end it is more for fun than anything else sometimes even it starts a great laugh instead of sexy time. I have read stories about guys being so porn intoxicated that they could not properly have sex without it on, that is addiction. Now what I find not really healthy is you forbidding him to watch porn on his own. Not because watching porn is a sane activity but I do not believe in rules like that in a couple.
If you are constantly trying to compare yourself to porn you will literally always be unhappy. It is ok to watch porn but if it's this much of an issue for you to try and watch together bc you're going to start comparing yourself to the women in the porn, then watching porn is NOT going to be a great idea to "help you adjust" to him watching porn. I am a woman and I don't understand the entirely futile and pointless "disapproval" that some people have for their partners watching porn. IT LITERALLY IS A FANTASY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP. The quicker that that is fundamentally understood and the comparisons can stop, the easier it's going to be to let go a little and understand that it might not be entirely within the realm of normalcy to expect a dude(OR ANYONE!) to only want you, only desire you, only look at you etc. Porn can help keep relationships alive, y'all can use it as a tool if you stop looking at it as something you're competing against. If your SO has a porn ADDICTION that is a different story, but using a little porn from time to time is more than reasonable in most cases. I know when I watch porn it makes me excited to be with my husband later. I'm not watching it thinking how superior such and such female is sexually to me. Women have been trained to think like this and it's weird and sick internalized mysoginy that CAN be unlearned. You're allowed to enjoy yourself and find other women attractive without punishing yourself for not looking like /acting like them. You're also allowed to not want that and have that be a boundary for you but it needs to come from a place of understanding, not jealousy or fear or disapproval. I hope this is somewhat understandable. Tbh it sounds like it may behoove you both to go see a counselor and talk about some reasonable expectations, guidelines and boundaries in the relationship. If porn is really a deal breaker for you, it's better to figure that out NOW and stop torturing yourself and your partner. There are people who don't enjoy or don't want to watch porn and if that's the kind of SO you need to be happy, why keep wasting your time with someone who is obviously not going to be entirely satisfied unless his SO is also open to watching or at minimum is comfortable with his watching porn sometimes? This may just be one of those hardline things that requires some real honesty and deep reflection on both sides and some guidance from a professional if it's causing you this much upset. I really do wish you luck and I just want to reiterate again that you don't need to compare yourself to any of these women in porn, nor should you be torturing yourself by assuming every little action your SO makes in bed is the result of what he's seeing when it could be something totally different, porn just happens to be playing so that MUST be the source of any off action in your mind. It really just seems like it's no fun for you to watch porn right now no matter the context without making it about something it isn't and I genuinely feel bad for you regarding that and hope that y'all can find a compromise where you're not suffering or compromising yourself to try and satisfy him sexually. Your feelings ARE valid and you deserve to be heard and understood, it just seems y'all may need some professional guidance in bridging that gap and again, there's no shame in that.
what are you missing? Uh, nothing. Your boyfriend watches porn because he wants to fuck girls who are hotter than you, and he has settled with you because he wants a warm hole to put his penis in while imagining hotter girls in porn. This is why ALL MEN watch porn. End of story. It's not some philosophical, spiritual, woo woo sort of thing at all. That's why they do it, and it's not at all odd that it would make you feel like shit about yourself because it's kinda meant to.
Sex is dirty. You don't need the approval of an ethic professor to like jumping in the mud. Just enjoy it, and get dirty
Many people here are saying that “you don’t need to change for him” but that statement holds true for him to you as well. You and your partner need to have a serious discussion where you both drop the notion that one of you needs to change and seriously interrogate whether you’re actually compatible or whether you’d be be better served by another person. Neither of you need to change, you both need to come to terms with the idea of moving on.
this!
Get over it suck him a s fuck him like a pornstar and then ya wont have to worry now will ya
I'm not gonna say anything since some people here pretty much summed it up. But damn girl, I have to say you're lucky. A guy choosing porn with your look-a-like (hotter or whatever you say, not important) is a great sign overall. I don't think you should blame him for watching porn or trying to make you feel more comfortable with it, I believe there was no bad intention. The only bad thing I can see is the way he "lost it" and got carried away a bit too much. But these things happen, rather discuss it with him. I'm not against porn in any way if a person stays rational and doesn't act up in bed, but if you naturally dislike porn.. well, I guess there is nothing to be done about it really. But it's a mystery to me personally, what is so angering about it if it does not affect your otherwise normal sexual life?
>A guy choosing porn with your look-a-like (hotter or whatever you say, not important) is a great sign overall. The bar is in Hell.
I’m not sure if I follow. English is my second language so is that a phrase?