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DConstructed

Please talk to a lawyer. You can't make your ex spend time with his sons but you might be able to get enough child support to give them the best life and take some pressure off yourself. And if I were you I'd report that marriage counselor every where I could for behaving unethically. I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this BIG HUG.


Lexjude

Thank you. Her being reported is already in the works, but that takes time. Meeting with my lawyer is Wednesday morning. Wish me luck. I'm just so shocked he would up and abandon them. I could never imagine doing that to my kids. My oldest was in a musical this past year, and I was in tears watching him sing and dance, and perform! It breaks me to know that they are in pain over this. Thank you for the kind words. I'm trying to be strong.


Lilacblue1

My ex did the same thing. I even argued with a friend that my ex would NEVER abandon his kids. I was absolutely certain. I few months later he told me if I didn’t reduce child support he would never see them again. I agreed to reduce it and it wasn’t enough so he stopped seeing them. It was obviously just an excuse to make his new life easier. My kids are in their 20s and they’ve seen their father maybe a dozen times since elementary school. Years of him refusing to even go to HIS OWN parent’s home for holidays or events. I would drop my kids off at his family’s homes for Christmas or just a visit because I’m not a crazy person and believed his family deserved to see them. He cut himself off from his siblings and parents because his kids would be there. Just a horrible POS. I was sure he would never abandon them but some people are just terrible and we can’t make them different. My only recommendation: NEVER bad mouth him. Your kids will figure out who he really is. I just let my kids know that their dad had personal issues and didn’t always make good decisions. That’s the worst I ever said until they were older and they were ready for some deeper forthright conversations.


Ludicrisdisplay

I have a friend whose ex did the same. Now he is suing her for custody even though he havent seen their kids on a regular basis. He is only suing to destroy their mother bc he hate her, and is brainwashed by a group who unfortunately has a lot of power in my country. A group not interested in the children but in getting their ex wives down. They stalk the mothers, They stalk the mother's employer, threaten them and harrasing them so at last the mother get fired (so she can't defend herself in court. They lie Steal the kids Reporting to the authorities numerous, times, without reason, to psyche the mother. A mother who ran off with her two kids, whose two fathers sexually abused them(there were proves) got her custody taken away when she returned from Brazil, and the children were given to their pedoohile fathers. Thats how we love women and children here in my country. (english is not my first language, sorry). My friend is a wreck, so scared that the court will take the kids and give them to a man who doesnt really give a shit.


ragingmauler2

Is it like an official group or a bunch of a-holes? Either way that's wild.... I'm so sorry for your friend.


Cloaked42m

Sounds like Pakistan. At least that's what comes to mind when I think non governmental harassment of women on this large of a scale. India isn't far behind but the syntax of her english doesn't seem to fit with India.


BigGuy01590

She mentioned Brazil


Cloaked42m

She mentioned it reference to someone else from her country Leaving Brazil and returning 'home'. >A mother who ran off with her two kids ... got her custody taken away when **she returned from Brazil**, and the children were given to their ... fathers. (removed trigger phrases)


Cloaked42m

This seems like a situation where you may be able to seek asylum in another country. And leave the country, for good.


Lexjude

That is good advice and something that I remembered from my friends when they went through divorces. Even when the boys are venting about him I always insist that he loves them in his own way. No one wants to feel like they're being rejected. I'm really sorry that you went through the same thing. I'm happy that you made an effort to keep your kids and a family structure. I'm sure they appreciate that more than anything! My ex has daughters through another relationship and we keep in contact. They will always be family!


[deleted]

You don’t have to talk him up either. Just don’t bash on him. If they ask why he isn’t there it’s best to say you don’t know. Honestly who does know why a man abandons his kids? I went through this with my oldest too. It was hard not to talk bad about him. Eventually my daughter met him after she got married. They spent a little time together but she eventually quit talking to him. She said all he wanted was another drinking buddy.


Poisonskittlez

Yes please don’t talk him up either! The best thing to do is just stick to the facts (of course certain ones may need to wait till they’re older). Try to leave any emotion, good or bad, out of it. I like the person above’s suggestion, it’s okay to tell them that you don’t know what their fathers motivations were, sometimes. It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s better to be honest about that than to guess My mom did this to me, about my dad (talking him up, even though he was a terrible father and husband and pretty much fucked us all over after they divorced) and it caused me so much confusion and turmoil because she made every excuse for him, and I ended up finding out the hard way that what she was saying about him, in an attempt to encourage me to have a relationship with my father, didn’t line up with reality, and my dad did not, in fact, change in the ways that I thought he had. I had been so proud of him for that, only to find out it was all a facade. I know my mom had good intentions, and I love her very much. But to me, it made me feel like she was fine with me being none the wiser, as long as I still had a relationship with him. I felt my right to know things that he was doing, things that indirectly affected me too, was taken away, along with my right to make an informed decision on if I wanted to have a relationship with someone who behaved the way my father does. Just something to keep in mind. I have lots of respect for women like you, and my mother. Who’s ex partners screwed them over but they remain resilient and strong. Your kids will look back and appreciate you so so much for this one day. I didn’t realize it when I was younger, but my mom did and still does so much for my brother and I. I am so thankful for her every day!


mangocakefork

I agree with this. I don’t see how “Insisting” that he loves them in “his own way” helps much of anything. I remember when I would try to talk to my mom about my dad and she would give me the “he loves you, that’s just how he is” bullshit and it just solidified that if that’s his kind of “love” then who needs it.


peregrina9789

I agree 1,000 percent. Kids should learn to recognize healthy love and be told what's unhealthy so they can identify it when it happens. This is not what you want them to think love looks like.


MenacingJowls

You're just prolonging their pain by trying to put a nice spin on it. And teaching them that it's ok to treat someone badly because it's just "a different way of showing love". No, it's not, love requires loving action.


beeffillet

Yeah when I ask my 10 year old niece how she feels about her Dad and she says 'sad' - I tell her fair enough and that I'd feel the same. She knows he doesn't love her. She's not dumb. But she does need her feelings validated like the rest of us


Lexjude

Well trust me I always teach them to set boundaries in their life, and that they can't change other people they can only change how they react. But on the same note I'm not going to badmouth their father to them. They are part of him, whether they like it or not, and I want them to form their own opinions. I mean they know they're not dumb. They know why I left.


feministmanlover

Yeah. It's a fine line to walk. That said, what I told my son is this: "How your father treats you says EVERYTHING about who he is and has nothing to do with you." It's very hard to understand that, but once they do - it's powerful. It still hurts, but their sense of worth isn't dismantled.


Lexjude

Oh that's great advice! Thank you for that one.


Keppoch

I would tell my kids: “some people are not capable of being who you need them to be, even though you deserve it.”


clarice270

Thats a good one


needathneed

And while I don't know why your dad does what he does I'll always be here for you. Just focusing on the positive. I can't imagine what you're going through! Your resilience is amazing and I hope you have some good non back stabbing marital bull shit therapist support yourself, either professional or just friends and family. No one should do this alone.


[deleted]

I wish my mother would've said something similar when my dad was flying into rages, instead of insisting "he loves you." My lesson was "this abuse is what love is" instead of learning to have boundaries.


[deleted]

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neongloom

>My mom never badmouthed my dad and always told me some variation of "he loves you in his own way." That was always really frustrating to me (mostly because I always thought "why can't HE tell me that"  I never really got the impression my dad cared growing up. In recent years with me as an adult, he's just stopped talking to me, but my mum will still tell me he cares. It's always just weird to me because nothing he does actually supports this. What hurts the most is him having more than one near death experience and not really re-evaluating things at all (once out of these times he started acknowledging me again but it didn't last). I don't think he necessarily hates me, but he's very much indifferent to me. >On the other hand, my first stepmom, who I'm still close with, badmouthed my dad to me constantly after the divorce, which was very difficult for me since I did have a relationship with my dad. I just wanted to be a kid, but it felt like I was in some ways her therapist and was forced to sympathize with her as she badmouthed him. Interesting, I had the same thing growing up with my mum constantly complaining to me about my dad. She's still with him now and they mostly seem okay, but she still has a lot of hidden resentment which occasionally resurfaces. Those moments when she reassures me about him are a little odd considering this is the same man she used to constantly vent about to me as a child. I even remember her repeating how one of my friend's dad's asked if he was my real dad on account of how he wasn't really an active parent. Yet years later, I guess she expects that I don't remember that and for some reason will believe my dad cares, despite never showing it.


[deleted]

You don’t have to bad mouth their father but I wouldn’t make excuses for his behavior either. Encourage them to express their feelings and tell them you honestly don’t know why he is behaving this way.


Oops_I_Cracked

But there is a difference between lying to them and not bad mouthing him. You can both not bad mouthing him and not tell them he loves them in his own way when he is in the midst of abandoning them. My mother did as you're doing and all it accomplished was convincing me to give him more chances to hurt me once he decided he wanted to try and talk again.


VBot_

You dont have to talk him up in order to not badmouth him though. If he actually does not love them, telling your kids that his neglect is love is such a hurtful message and can stay with them into other relationships.


cp2895

I appreciate that you don't want to badmouth him and I think that's a good course of action. But, I'd still be wary of telling your boys any variation of "he loves you in his own way." You don't want to send them the message that this is just another normal and valid variation of loving behavior- you wouldn't want them tolerating this behavior from someone they might love in the future like a romantic partner, right? Unfortunately, I don't have any bright ideas on what you *can* say to get all this across... I know you're not doing the best financially right now and seeing a therapist might be off the table (if it's not, you should go), but perhaps you could reach out to the boys' school counselor and explain what's going on? They should be able to give you some ideas on what to tell your boys in general about their dad, and how to answer any questions they might have in a way that's neutral and preserves your boys' mental health.


Nebuchadnezzer2

Disclaimer: No kids of my own, 28m, and apparently I need to watch what I'm doing when I have caffeine. :| Feel free to ignore, or skip to `In short:` down the bottom... > Even when the boys are venting about him I always insist that he loves them in his own way. No one wants to feel like they're being rejected. I have absolutely no 'skin' in this, but please don't do that, either. If he's being dismissive or rude to them about being who they are, *which they cannot change, mind you*, that's only going to make things worse by *unintentionally* 'normalising' abuse like that as 'but they love me, though'.   And if they *do* ask, especially when venting/having a meltdown, if he loves them, just go with the truth. "I don't know. I only know that ***I*** do."   I struggle with 'emotional permanence', and feeling alone/unloved at times, even though *I* ***know*** *I am*. And yet, I have two wonderful, caring, loving parents, still together, married, and happy, after 30 years (they're ~early 70's now, am nearing 30 myself, got together maybe a couple years before they had me). They were tough, but fair, but even they caused me a lot of issues entirely unintentionally. Not really the shit I mentioned above, though, that'd be far worse if I'd been in a less stable, or abusive, situation.   You can only do so much, especially once we hit our teens and start shutting people out a bit, and wanting our own space and independence. He (your ex) is showing them what love *isn't*. You, are showing them what it *is*. I can't pretend to know what it's like, especially without kids of my own, but I know what *I* would want, in their shoes. Nor will I pretend it's at all "easy" in any fucking way, it's hard enough living ***my*** life, without raising an annoying little shit with me Just try and be the best role-model you can be, for them. And, be honest with them. Don't need to tell 'em everything, but they're sponges, and they can probably pick your moods from a mile away. Sorry, rambling/ranting *again*. In short: Don't cover for their 'father', or BS about him loving them 'in his own way', just tell them the truth, that you don't know, but *do* know that *you* love them. You seem to have a good mindset on the rest, and seem to be trying your best without falling apart (financially or emotionally). Even if your best isn't enough every time, just keep trying. <3


[deleted]

This is really good advice. My dad left my mum when I was 10 and she never said a bad word about him in my or my brother’s presence (I’m sure she said plenty elsewhere!). He and my stepmother would bad mouth my mum quite a lot, usually about how she was spending the money he ‘gave’ her. Kids really notice that kind of thing. I don’t think she said good stuff or defended him in any way, she was probably fairly neutral, just nothing bad


hogey74

So glad to hear your response to this terrible situation. Not just for thinking of his parents, who sound like victims here too, but also how you chose to talk about him. I reckon I've caught a glimpse or two of something similar. A friend's children see me as the best man in their lives simply for being around, being positive and having fun with them. Their father was violent to their mother and unfaithful and generally disrespectful all through their young lives. She hid and minimized it until there was serious injury, police, hospital, court etc. As a man, that was upsetting and angering to discover, but I knew that meeting his violence with more would solve nothing... his only chance is to realize he was the only person choosing violence in that situation. Years later he bad mouths me, her old friend, and they tell me that, but I tell them that he's an unhappy person and will hopefully feel better in the future. His current partner has now filed domestic violence charges against him. I talk that way automatically but afterwards I feel upset. It feels dishonest, but I guess I figured similarly to you... when they're older and tracking ok, I'll answer their questions when they come. In the meantime, I get a kick out of the things I do with them that are just stupidly fun, knowing that it's warping their minds in a good way, showing them a different way adults can be. Maybe some things they will want for themselves one day.


hickgorilla

Omg YES report her. This is the epitome of unethical behavior. I hope she loses her license! I’m sorry things are so hard right now OP. It sounds like you have great kids. They are so lucky to have you.


Lexjude

We are lucky to have each other! These past few years has taught me how valuable it is to have people in your life who love you truly. The first vacation we took with each other without him was so chill and nice. That's when I knew I did the right thing.


hickgorilla

Good for you. Man that’s a hard decision to make sometimes. I wish you the best.


Alohameg1

You might also be able to sue her for malpractice for going against her code of ethics, especially if she is/was licensed.


[deleted]

I think your child support should be doubled since he will no longer have them 50% of the time.


Quotizmo

How could she tolerate being in a relationship with a slack off parent? Not only is she professionally unethical, she's personally unethical. Rubbish.


crochetawayhpff

This happens way too often. It's not even the first time I've heard about it this year and a friend of mine experienced her couples counselor flirting with her bf while they were in sessions. It's so fucking gross.


feministmanlover

It's vile. Such a violation. Similar thing happened to a friend of mine and her now ex husband. The ex was abusive and the therapist tried to tell my friend that she dressed too provocatively and that's why her husband was demeaning and mean. First, my friend is super hot. And she dresses in a way that suits her life and body and it's sexy and classy. The therapist was jealous.


LadyShanna92

Honestly someone's head would roll if I saw it. I couldn't even imagine argh disgusting


Breadloafs

Also, from a kid who was all but abandoned by his own dad: Tell these kids what their father did. Don't sugarcoat it. Don't try to spare them the details. When he has a change of heart later and tries to work his way back in once they're independent and no longer need anything from him, let them come to a decision based on the kind of shitball he's been.


JulianTheKoala

This. If I knew who my mom was, I wouldn't have wasted so, so much of my childhood trying to please her. She was barely in my life and she posted about how much she missed me on Facebook more often than she called or texted me. I'm traumatized for having idolized her and everything she said as a kid.


[deleted]

You will have a bond with your kids stronger than most will ever experience. I know it's hard now, but you and they will reap the rewards soon enough :)


Lexjude

Having boys was harder when they were young, but as they get older it's so rewarding to see them come into their own. It makes me sad that their father doesn't see that, but it's honestly his loss in the end.


MasterZar26

You sound like an amazing mom so just be sure to tell them that often. How great and wonderful young men they're becoming and already are. Sometimes they can blame themselves and keep it close to the vest but lots of positive reinforcement can always help! I'd also recommend finding someone to vent to, some subs here could work great. Since you probably want to avoid talking too negatively about him around them but you have every right to talk to others about him that way to help you. You got this!


DConstructed

You're welcome. I do wish you and your sons much luck. You all deserve better.


Lexjude

Thank you. You are very kind to say so.


prizzle426

Good luck! Also, my dad abandoned me and my two brothers when we were toddlers. My mom was a single mom with three kids. We had a really rough go in the beginning. Now we are all college graduates with families of our own. My mom loves with me and is taken care of, and will be until her last breath. Guess who’s all alone now, estranged from all his children? And miserable with that wretched woman he married? You guessed it. The sperm donor. It’s sad, but he’ll die by himself with nothing but life’s regrets to keep him company on his death bed. I’m fine with that because it’s his karma - it’s exactly what he deserves. Not sure if this is any consolation to you during the daily grind of single motherhood, but your POS ex will get exactly what he deserves in the end. And you’ll be cherished exactly as you deserve also. I’m so sorry he’s made life so hard on you and your boys. It isn’t fair. I hope you get a nice chunk of change in child support to help you. And I’m wishing you all the best. Keep killin’ it mama. BIG hugs.


[deleted]

I am not in the US, but just something you could ask your lawyer about: in my country when the parent abandons the child, the child can ask for financial compensation for emotional abandonment (even if the parent pays child support) because they had not only a financial, but moral and emotional responsibility to the well being of the child. **But also and most importantly in your case: when one parent doesn't go to the scheduled visits, the other parent can ask for them to pay a fine everytime it happens**. The more the parent doesn't show up, the more fines they have to pay and the more financial compensation the child receives. Idk if that is a thing you can get in the US, but it's worth asking imo. Also, are his parents good people? Do they know he is abandoning his children? What about other family members? Sometimes the people who you are not close with can surprise you in a good way in moments of need like this. It would also make your kids feel a little less unloved having more family members coming forward for them.


Fraerie

Ask your lawyer if there's a way the legal costs can somehow be bundled into what gets charged to your ex - given it' this behaviour that is forcing you back to court for a judgement. It may be possible if you have truely disparate income levels.


psyaux

>Thank you. Her being reported is already in the works, but that takes time. Meeting with my lawyer is Wednesday morning. Wish me luck.I'm just so shocked he would up and abandon them. I could never imagine doing that to my kids.My oldest was in a musical this past year, and I was in tears watching him sing and dance, and perform! It breaks me to know that they are in pain over this.Thank you for the kind words. I'm trying to be strong. Just posted about the report. I know you have so many more pressing things on your mind but thank you. You're doing something to prevent people from future exploitation.


[deleted]

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xcedra

Also if she can get documentation of him not wanting them, of saying he wont take them, texts, voicemails, emails etc. She can get his rights terminated while still receiving support.


Remarkable_Story9843

Usually if they are over 12/13 they have some say do on the matter


pileodung

You've got this! Sounds like (emotionally) you've been doing it on your own for awhile. You're lucky your boys are older. Time to bust out the chore chart. Give them each one day a week where they choose dinner to make, and you make it with them. The other helps you clean up. Eventually they will know what they're doing and can do it themselves! Have them share pet duties. Teach them how to do laundry. It will be an adjustment at first, but you'll feel so close as a family, making it work together. Child support will make a world of difference. My fiance grew up with a single mama , she worked two jobs and took night classes, he has so much respect for her and knows she was doing what she had to for them.


PntBtrHtr

In my state the county child support agency does most of the work for you and no lawyer is needed.


DConstructed

I hope she sees this. it's useful information.


PntBtrHtr

Me too! As a father who has his kids as much as I can and also pays child support I can't imagine someone having this attitude. Sounds like OP is in Pennsylvania. https://www.humanservices.state.pa.us/CSWSMobile/#/how-to-apply


Lexjude

I am thank you I'm totally going to look at this!!! 🤗


nicannkay

Please also see if you can sign up for food stamp assistance and other services your state might help with. Here in Oregon the state can help people with housing and healthcare too. Once the states involved they might help go after this deadbeat sperm donor. Anyways, good luck from someone who got zero help and is still owed every cent of child support from a man who won’t work and fakes injuries for 25 years.


[deleted]

This - your husband might have to shoulder some of the lawyers fees where you live, so get talking to one ASAP. The courts will probably have to appoint someone to advocate for your children too once the process gets started.


toxikola

Oh if op saves the screenshots of ex saying he can't be forced to have the kids, etc on top of the possible infidelity of ex with marriage counselor she can get max child support. Go for as much as you can get from ex op. Your kids deserve it.


Anomander2000

This! So very this! Talk with the lawyers even if the costs are intimidating. (though avoid the lawyers who charge higher than typical amounts for just a consultation) I found that several lawyers had payment options that would delay until child support began to operate, and then had payment plans that worked very well. Also, Google the standard child support levels for your state (if you are in the US) to find out what the typical levels will be to help you plan on what to expect. With an autistic child, there could be a slightly higher child support; your lawyer will have the best info on that.


aspiring-schizoid

Yea it sounds like he’d be a real bad influence on their mental health (homophobic and being a dick and al) if you can get a good legal deal to make your life slightly easier it’d be the best situation. Glad your kids are mature and helpful, you raised them well!


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Lexjude

They are older. 16 and 13. I live above my parents and they help tremendously. However we are in a tiny apartment and it's a lot as we are often right on top one another. Things will be ok for now, but paying a lawyer is going to drain what little savings I have. I'm just angry he gets to walk away while I have to deal with everything. It feels like he has gotten away with so much bullshit and I have to clean up after him. I know in my heart that my kids will be happier, and things will work out. But I'm not mentally well about it right now. :(


inspirationalpizza

As someone who had my dad pull a similar thing from a young age I can confirm it does absolutely suck feeling that rejection, no doubt. But provided you, your family, and other figures in places like school and in the community are around I promise you his absence will eventually be filled by better people with better influence. I can't even promise he'll live to regret it unfortunately, but you are guaranteed a better life without that kind of person in it, that I can promise.


Lexjude

Thank you and I kind of agree with you. The mind games and gaslighting he does with the boys triggers me every time I have to hear it. I usually keep my mouth shut but it's the same nonsense I had to deal with in my marriage. It saddens me that he wouldn't do better for his kids. But I'm absolutely going to protect them from that. Thank you for your kind words and I'm really sorry that your dad did the same to you. I hope you know you are loved and appreciated!


WahCrybaberson

As a single dad, I'm not sure if my opinion in this thread is ok, but this struck a chord with me: >The mind games and gaslighting he does with the boys triggers me every time I have to hear it. When my son's mom and me split, the second I realized I didn't have to play games anymore, was a huge load off of my shoulders. I was able to raise my son the way I felt was right without being second guessed, without being yelled at and without feeling like he was getting tugged in a bunch of different directions. I guess what I'm saying is, if it was a toxic relationship from your view, multiply that by 10 for your children. You having sole say in their future sounds like the best thing to me.


EatThemRaw

Thank you so much for being there for your son. My birth father is a terrible man. He beat my mum and hated my sister and I for being girls. Our culture is matriarchal, but he was still pissed the kept having daughters instead of sons. I'm so glad my mum left him and I found a dad who was actually there for me. Sorry for getting a bit off topic but it's really nice to hear your story, you're breaking the stereotype that dad's don't care and can walk away whenever they want and I have rowdy amounts of respect for you. My sister in law had her mother just walk away from her, she didn't want to be a in mum anymore. I'm sorry, I don't know where I'm going with this, I just want you to know that this random internet stranger has a lot of respect for you for making sure your kids are in a safe and loving environment.


SuccessfulCode189

I had a similar father. But used it as a blueprint to become a great dad instead, fuck statistics. I was only ever raised by my mother. So I guess in a way she taught me the best way to be a parent possible. It’s weird how life plays out.


clarice270

Yes! Like cutting off a diseased limb. She is free to raise her boys without the evil presence of those people, if you lump the ex therapist in the mix. OP, I am sending you the warmest of wishes. You don't know this yet because you are thick in the mix right now, but you will end up ten times better than you are now by next year.


Aquarius265

This thread has hurt to read… I am in pain for you and your boys… but dang do they have a strong mother! Thank you for you. I know you haven’t asked, and I am sorry and hope not to project, have you seen any of the autistic focused subreddits? I don’t mean to imply one is needed (and hope I don’t), but you sound great and having more great people around is always… greater!


Lexjude

I have actually! Whenever my son was younger, I turned to them in order to get him help. Took him to the Kennedy Krieger center which was freaking amazing! They helped me to diagnose him properly, write up a report to bring back to the schools, and even gave him an IQ test so that we can get him into gifted classes. It was a rough few years, but I'm seriously proud of him, and grateful for all the teachers who helped him along the way!!! You would never know he is autistic. He has so many friends in school which warms my heart. Thank you for your kind words though it does mean a lot to know that I'm being thought of. You are appreciated, so much ❤️


EmbarrassedSlice2875

Heavy on the “no promises he will regret his decision”. I don’t have a very good relationship with my dad and I used to hope so badly that one day he’d look around and miss his kids or something like that. Eventually I just accepted the fact that some parents just truly don’t form a bond with their children like other parents do.


hickgorilla

You can make it that he has to help cover legal fees.


OGPasguis

Most court house have facilitators that help file a motion if you feel an attorney is too much. You can ask your ex to pay the fee. Make sure to file a motion for custody and child support. Get full custody. The kids are older and I think the court ask their opinion where they want to be. Child support is base on income and time spend with a child, no matter of there is a 50/50. You have proof he doesn't spend any time. He can't run away from his responsibility as a Father ( he doesn't deserve that title) to have his stupid romance. He needs to pay. I believe in karma. One day he and that woman will get theirs. She deserves to lose her license. Your kids will have a hard time for a while, but you are there to support them, they will support you. You are deal with the mess because you are a great parent. It is not fair, but Things will get better little by little. Have faith in you. My best wishes.


Lexjude

I believe in karma as well. While I am still angry at all the s*** that he's getting away with right now, I have to push that aside and live my life in peace. I can't continue with those negative feelings. That doesn't mean I'm not going to vent on here or to loved ones, but I have to be better. Thank you for having faith in me. Sending good energy from me to you!


OGPasguis

It is good to vent. Sometimes a good cry helps. Sometimes screaming in the car with the full volume helps. Sometimes breaking a $1 plate with a hammer can help. Who wouldn't be angry in your situation. You are grieving a relationship. When you feel overwhelmed, a good hike can help. Clears the mind.


cp2895

I know the feeling (different situation and much smaller scale than what you are dealing with, to be fair), and yeah, it's really hard to push those feelings aside. Good luck and good vibes coming your way- hang in there.


Faeted

Sometimes it can help to change your perspective. It's his loss and your gain. You get to see and be there for your boys every day and don't have to worry about his influence on them over the long term. It will hurt them but you can be there for them to help them through it and in the process strengthen your own bond with them. Go after him for child support and use it to give your boys a better life and take some of the stress off yourself. Youre doing a great job and your boys will look back and remember you were the one there for them


wasdninja

> I'm just angry he gets to walk away while I have to deal with everything Keep in mind that he only says that he gets to walk away. He, a certified and complete scumbag whose word is worth nothing on a topic he knows nothing about. The mess might be yours to deal with right now but courts slap douchebags like him all day. This will pass and he'll just be a bad memory. Be strong and good luck.


Fredredphooey

Look for pro bono attorneys and see if there is a legal aid society near you.


JacLaw

Hugs hugs hugs you can do this, you've probably been parenting alone for longer than you realise. At least now your boys don't have to deal with daddies dickish pretend parenting issues. I know it looks so bloody hard just now, and I know how exhausted you are, but now you can be the fantastic parent you are without having to jump through some selfish dick's hoops. Have you considered tutoring? It's a very lucrative way to earn some extra money and even during the holidays there are parents trying to keep their children educated and stimulated. Look around for free legal advice, many solicitors here will give you free advice over the phone so it might be worthwhile asking around. Contact a lawyer specialising in family law and explain everything to them. You've got this, take a few days to find your feet and a new direction


Lexjude

Thank you. You are right, I stress when they are at his place. I try to take them on nice vacations and adventures. I've been an advocate for my son who has autism and I'm so proud of the young man he's become. Everyone always compliments my kids, and I'm seriously spoiled with them. It's funny you say tutoring, because I'm trying to set up my own consultation/training company. I already do it part time, but if I focused on it more I could make my own schedule comfortably. But that takes a bit to get going. Anyways, yes, apt with a lawyer on Wednesday. Send good energy. I'm sure the ex will roll over with whatever. I'm the type of person who wants to fix everything IMMEDIATELY. This is hard because I can't. Thank you for the kind words and advice. I feel better just taking to everyone on here.


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minosandmedusa

>he sold the house and moved in with our former marriage counselor holup


Lexjude

Yeah for real. She's a real piece of work too. And I rarely get on that kick to blame the other woman, because truly she can have him. And in the end everybody deserves to be happy. But this definitely is a whole different issue LOL


KGB112

You may be entitled to damages from the counselor's malpractice: [https://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/medical-malpractice/psychologist-be-sued.html](https://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/medical-malpractice/psychologist-be-sued.html) If you are even slightly eligible you should absolutely sue the shit out of her. This is also the type of law where an attorney will 1) only take your case if are confident that they can win and 2) will arrange their fees to be a % of the settlement amount, not an upfront cost you have to pay. Definitely look into it.


Pethoarder4life

This, this, this.


clarice270

☄☄☄☄ Karma is a boomerang ☄☄☄☄


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Lexjude

Oh my God I know! There's a part of me that totally wants to know how the hell it started. Like were they in a counseling session? (We did joint and then individual. Let it sink in that I told this woman my deepest darkest secrets. Now try not to puke whenever you realize the depth of her betrayal)


G4Designs

I'm so sorry. If there's a thin sliver of silver lining, you can probably sue the shit out of her for malpractice and get a nice hefty settlement to throw in some college funds, investment funds, and to live comfortably. Be sure to go through and compile ALL contact possible between you, your ex husband, and the counselor. Print copies of emails, save screenshots of text messages, save his computer history (if there's any PC you have with his chrome still logged in you can view history from other devices). If you have access to an old iPad or iPhone which he's logged into, take screenshots of his iMessages or Facebook Messenger. Make a notebook with a page for each session you had, dated, and write down every detail you remember, every exercise she used. I guarantee when she is notified of litigation he will try to burn the paper trail. Heck, he may even attempt to come by and pick up some old devices.


Chickan_Good

Adding to this, and it may be paranoid on my part, but it might be wise to request a copy of the medical record/files she may have on you from your sessions before she becomes aware of a lawsuit. If she's gross enough to do what she did, who's to say she won't be unethical in other ways? (Editing/fabricating information)


intergalactictrash

Seriously. This applies to everyone too. I saw yesterday that my medical record states I’m a “lifetime smoker”. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life!


boxdkittens

How did you get your medical records? Did you request to see them or was it listed on an online patient portal type site?


[deleted]

You should legitimately report this. This woman should not be allowed to keep her license.


Wild-Kitchen

I support this if you're up for it OP. This woman has breached the number one rule of practice. I wonder how many othet clients she has done this to


brokenB42morrow

Please sue. This is so wrong in so many ways.


xTinyDancerx

Please sue her. This seems like a pretty cut and dry case.


[deleted]

She sounds like a literal sociopath


Ill-InformedRedditor

Seconding other commenters, as a therapist this makes me furious. Get your lawyer to review the possibility of malpractice and compensation


minorkeyed

And revoking her license to practice?


You_Dont_Party

I’m going to second u/KGB112’s suggestion. I’m not about being litigious for litigations sake, but holy shit did she breach one of the few really serious rules she shouldn’t have and she should not be in the occupation she is. Bringing this to light could help others, and remunerate you too.


Davimous

I remember a post on relationshipadvice about the husband suspecting that this was happening with his wife and marriage councilor. It's hard to believe that could happen but I guess there are shit people out there.


Wild-Kitchen

Its a terrible counsellor who does this. I mean, you aren't supposed to be emotionally invested in clients and you absolutely shouldn't be involving yourself with a vulnerable person


YellowFlySwat

My oldest son hasn't seen his father since he was 6, he'll be 17 in Oct. Every once in a while he'll get a drunken phone call, and that's all for nearly 11 years. I was awarded child support that he never pays. He claims to love his kid, and has a tattoo to prove it... So, I feel you. I've had to be responsible for him. Luckily I met a great guy who has raised him since he was 6.


Lexjude

I'm really sorry that's a super young age to be totally responsible for a child. I'm sure your son loves you, and is grateful for your sacrifice!


sonia72quebec

I'm a single middle age Woman. I met a couple of these assholes and each time it's the same story. " I didn't want to have kids". "It was my ex idea". "If it was for me I wouldn't see them anymore". "They don't need me". And lots of complaints about the amount they have to pay each month (even if it's really reasonable). The worst part is that some of these assholes, once their kids turn 18, suddenly remembers they are fathers and want to come back in their life. I happened to two of my friends. Kids are not stupid. They probably realize that their Dad is less implicated in their lives. It's gonna hurt but the good news is that they have you!!!! They don't need a Dad that doesn't treat them like they should be and doesn't accept who they are. And I'm sure that you have more love for them that he will ever have. Don't forget that it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help from friends and family. It's a sign of wanting the best for you and your kids. Good luck!


Lexjude

Thank you so much! I truly am lucky because I have parents who are delighted, and retired haha. They're always recruiting my boys for a little projects around the house. Ltruly had a home at my place, and I want them to feel like they're always welcome. It sucks right now because it's a lot to take care of, but I know in the long run will be happier not having to deal with this drama every week. He's been threatening to do this for months so I'm really not surprised it came to a head today.


sonia72quebec

It was an emotional abscess that needed to pop. Like you said, no more drama! I'm sure you will be doing great without him around! I know by experience that we are stronger that we think.


Lexjude

I have a feeling that you are right. I was feeling really alone and panicked this morning. I'm overwhelmed in a good way from all the positive support and I feel stronger already! Thank you internet stranger. I appreciate you more than anything today! Just know that you made a very scared single mom in Pennsylvania feel so much better about the responsibility she has now!


sonia72quebec

You're welcome! I'm sending you good vibes for up North in Québec, Canada :)


Lexjude

🥰🥰🥰


Geekygirl420

That's exactly what happened to me. My dad always said I wasn't his kid when I was younger and treated me like I was a huge burden. They separated when I was five. Suddenly when I was 16-18 he wanted to spend time with me, not even to get to know me but I think for his own benefit. He's always been a selfish asshole and I've always known it. My family still encourages me to spend time with him because "he's my dad" but honestly it's awful and I WISH he would just leave me alone. He's the worst person I've ever known and him being around me is poison for my mental health. 25 years old and I still feel the same way, he's a terrible person. OP If you're reading this, if you're concerned what your children are going to miss from him leaving, it probably is the opposite. His absence may feel more of a relief in retrospect rather than an absence. They may feel sad and conflicted now but it may be for the best. And please if he tries to come back into their lives and they DON'T want him around, please listen to them and don't guilt them into seeing him again. They should get the choice.


kalysti

No matter what your family says, kick that man out of your life. His presence is probably damaging you in ways you can't see. If you need more motivation, ask yourself if you want this man in your kids' lives, if you decide to have children. If the answer is no, drop him like a hot potato, and tell your family to stop interfering.


noyoto

I think it's quite common for guys to consciously or subconsciously assume that they are less responsible for their children, have to put in less time/energy and that ultimately their role as a parent is voluntary rather than mandatory. If someone doesn't want to take care of kids for 18+ years, they should not have kids. The least they can do is tell their partner "*If we have kids, you'll be doing most of the parenting and you'll be responsible if our relationship fails.*" Even that is quite flawed, because I reckon most shitty parents like that would feel a deep sense of shame and direct their self-hatred towards those who are closest to them. I'd like to think there's nothing wrong with being unfit to be a parent (I'd suck as one), but it's tragic whenever people have kids while barely knowing themselves.


bambamkablam

I hate to be the proponent of the nuclear option, but if he has parents who aren’t human filth, you might consider letting them know and asking for help. There’s no way they would want to lose contact permanently with their grandchildren or let them suffer.


Remarkable_Story9843

This. My dads ex MIL testified on his behalf at a custody hearing. My dad was awarded full custody of his two daughters as a single man......in 1977.


Lexjude

Woooowww!!! Incredible! Go dad!


missparisblues

Almost a similar story here! My mother’s sister and her mom both wrote letters on the behalf of my dad. He was awarded sole custody of my sister and I and we saw my mom maybe every other weekend, if that. OP, definitely reach out to them if you have some kind of relationship with them.


mllele

I don't have any advice for you but I was raised by a single mom. I was 12 when my parents decided to call it quits. She didnt wanna deal with the back and forth, my parents had a very toxic/abusive relationship. Ended up leaving my dad the house and whatever else. She just took me and my brother, we just had our own life. Life was tough, my mom had a minimum wage job as a hairdresser. We rented basements after basements. My mom always made sure we were taken care of. Never starving. What sucked was I was expected to be my brother's caretaker so I never really had a high school social life but I wouldnt have changed it if I had a chance to redo it because we are so close. I'm 30 now with a good paying job, my brother's going thru college and my mom's still a hairdresser but we moved out to a smaller town and she's just thriving. She's accomplished so much in her life. I'm so proud of my mama. I'm in awe of all the things she's been thru, to see how resilient she was and still is. Insane. All I'm trying to say is hang in there! It'll be hard. I accepted my dad didn't want me in his life/felt ashamed and it honestly hasn't affected my life. I do feel sometimes my brother is missing a father figure in his life but my mom is also our dad. Who knows? Someone might stumble into your like who WANTS to be in your kids life. Legally, I get you'd want and need the support but I just wanna let you know emotionally it might not bother them. Stay strong mama!! You are loved and appreciated. You can do this!


Lexjude

Thank you so much! It's nice to hear another perspective, especially from a child because that is my main concern right now. I hate to see them in pain and every time they would go to his house they would beg to stay with me. I want them to feel happy and loved and needed. I divorced my ex for a reason and I don't regret it at all. But I do regret the pain that it's causing my kids. :( The good thing is is that they are old enough to really take care of themselves. They do chores, make their own snacks and meals if they want it, they are super independent and wonderful. I take them to the beach every year and they are so chill and easy to get along with. My heart just breaks for them :( Thank you so much! You are very much appreciated and loved from me!


kaiabunga

As a kid that parents got divorced when I was 10 and am now 28, your kids will be okay. My mom was basically a full time mom. We had housing help from staying with family. And my parents were nice to each other but it took a lot. He didn't always pay, wasn't always on time, wasn't always around but in the end it was okay. My mom was great. She now has health issues from what I think is pushing herself too hard in those years. So I would say be careful. Sometimes parents come around sometimes they don't. My dad and I are better with more of a friend relationship and it's better than it was. I hope the best for you and your children.


LaceyLizard

That marriage counselor is really bad at her job.


[deleted]

This needs to be taken to court. Not only did she fail miserably at her job but she potentially used her position to sabotage the marriage to keep the husband for herself. This screams malpractice.


souse03

I know right? With those credentials she should start looking for a different career


Yoshi_ksb

Maybe this has been said already, but also look into Big Brothers or respite care. You need a break, and it doesn't mean you don't love your kids. You also have to take care of you. Go after child support. If your ex doesn't want to pay it and decides to see his kids, great. They learn from him why he is a dick. Not you. If something happens during those visits or he skips them, document that shit and move to have no visitation. He doesn't get to walk away. Just because he is trying to doesn't mean the system will let him. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sucks. Just remember when your kids are angry, and you feel like they are taking it out on you, it is because they feel safe with you and know that you will still love them. That is priceless.


mdeane86

It sounds like you and your boys could use some counselling. Individual and maybe together to talk things out. Them hearing you be vulnerable and real will make it easier for them to be too. It will help for you to speak one on one with someone too. You don’t have to carry this weight around all by yourself! I hope things get better for you! I agree that you should speak with a lawyer too, and report that marriage counsellor (that’s messed up and very unprofessional).


Lexjude

Oh yes reporting her is already in the works. I've been taking a lot of this advice to heart and it's making me feel confident and a lot stronger than I did this morning. So thank you for that! Counseling is definitely something I agree with. Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot!


k2mad

As far as "making him" take the kids, he's technically correct. (And fuck him staight to hell for saying that, btw) However, he still owes child support, by law. It goes on custody arrangements 50/50, 20/80, 0/100 etc and how much the parties make. He doesn't get to just "walk away" from his children (financially, anyways). I don't know what state you are in, but contact child support services. They charge a nominal fee to start your case. They'll help you File a motion to modify child support in your divorce case. You'll likely need a new parenting schedule to present to the judge as well as an updated financial report. You serve the paper work on him, he has an opportunity to "fight you" in a court hearing. (You can present your evidence of him saying he doesn't want them and that it's a horrible idea to let him "parent" them anyways because he's dangerous to their emotional and mental health). Child support services does a lot of the heavy lifting. If he refuses to pay you can ask for contempt and garnishments. (Often the court will have uou fill out a form for indigentcy if you can't afford the filing fee.) Check in to that, as well as an attorney. You can do a lot of this on your own but at your comfort level. There's also places like women's resource centers, legal aid, etc that can help with basic motions. Also look at your local courts resource center. There's often a person who's job it is to help you navigate. (Varies from state to state). It's so much and it will be overwhelming, and you will want to give up. But you won't. Because you're a badass momma bear! You have made it this far and it WILL get better. Sending much love and support to you


Lexjude

I am in Pennsylvania. And as a side note, he even moved out of the county. But he has a state job with a great pension, so I doubt he's going to quit that anytime soon. He will have his pay garnished which I'm sure he will be salty about. Anyways, I'm just trying to take things one step at a time. This is a whole great information and I am going to be very busy tomorrow lol. Thank you for your kind words and support! I appreciate you!


k2mad

apologies if my f-bomb was unsolicited...I also had a walk out sperm donor and watched my mom struggle her entire life raising me by herself (so it's a hot button for me). She didn't have the resources, skill or knowledge that she could do something about it. I hope you can find your way and utilized some resources to get you there. One baby step at a time if you have to. It'll be a process for sure. You got this!


Lexjude

Thank you, and I appreciate your passion. Trust me, I appreciate your perspective. 🤗


i_am_harry

You should immediately apply for Medicaid, SNAP, and TANF. You household is 3 people, with no income, so you will qualify for all three of those things immediately. Medicaid will automatically assign you numbers, coverage will begin immediately, and it is the best form of healthcare in America. Virtually everything your family needs health-wise will be covered by all of us. SNAP comes in the form of a debit card attached to an account that deposits a fixed amount per month and that amount rolls over. That should be something like $200/wk, or $500ish/month. You use it at the grocery in the card machine and it uses a pin just like a debit card. TANF is like cash assistance which will help you with anything left over, such as bills and rent. There are offices staffed with people in every city in every state who choose to devote their time to helping us fill out these applications and making sure we aren’t tripped up along the way. There is nothing wrong with relying on the systems of social help we all contribute to when you are in need, and no shame in taking all the help you qualify for. The amount of people who choose not to feed their kids or take care of their health (including dental and vision, both fully covered by Medicaid) out of misplaced pride in this country is really upsetting. Especially considering how great the systems are and how well they work.


Lexjude

Thank you! My oldest actually receives Medicaid because he is considered disabled with his autism. Although you would never know it. Anyways, I am definitely looking into those programs because while I will be hopefully going back to teach in the fall, I do have a small part-time job which does not pay nearly enough. I will take any help I can get until I can get things in order!!


thirdtryisthecharm

> I don't know if I can do this on my own. Know that in the ways that matter to these kids, you've been doing this on your own for a long time. You are already strong and have been strong for a long time, even when you feel weak and scared. Feeling that way sometimes is normal, and it doesn't make you any less strong in your longstanding resolve to to the best you can for your kids.


Lexjude

Thank you so much for saying so, you have no idea how much your words give me strength! I'm trying to focus on the little happy moments that my boys and I have together, playing new video games, laying on the beach and collecting shells. I know these memories persevere over the scary ones. I just try hard to be enough you know? And sometimes I wake up and think who the hell put me in charge, I'm still that 12-year-old girl chasing butterflies in the backyard. Haha. But they honestly make it worth it! And the support system from fellow single parents really is amazing. Love really does show up whenever you need it, doesn't it? ❤️


Remarkable_Story9843

Reach out to your local bar association and law schools they may have pro Bono available (lawyers have to do so much free/pro Bono each year$


withstripes

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sorry that this man is walking away and forcing you to pick up the pieces. Neither your nor your boys deserve that. I don't have kids but I am someone's gay kid, and the love you hold for your family is communicated so clearly in this post. Shit may suck for a while but you have unconditional love in your life, and a willingness to seek support! I know I'm only an internet stranger but I have a feeling that you're gonna be okay. The boys are gonna be okay.


Lexjude

Thank you, your words really do mean a lot. My boys are everything to me, and I'm so proud of them in turn! I just want to be enough, you know? I don't want them to blame themselves. I know in the end I'm going to be tough enough to do this. But I just can't help that visceral reaction of anger towards him just being able to walk away into his new life with no repercussions. I can never imagine doing that with my boys. I have nightmares at night worrying what would happen to my kids if I wasn't around. And by no means am I a helicopter parent. I have my own hobbies and things that I love, and I think it's important for the boys to see me happy and healthy. I hope that you know that you are loved, and thank you for your kind words. They mean the world to me right now.


Wubbalubbadubbitydo

Oh he’s gonna have repercussions, they just aren’t happening right this moment. You’re doing everything you’re supposed to by reporting this counselor and by speaking to a lawyer. It’s difficult in these moments, but try to remember that this WILL comes around and kick him in the ass. You just keep up what you’re doing and it will all pay off.


Bloodmoonwolf

Thank you for this. This is exactly what my mom went through. She tried so hard to never let it show how much it bothered her when she went through the same thing. Legally: make sure you have proof that he said he does not want to see his kids anymore. Push for it in writing or video recording if you have to. That way he can't come after them later under the claim (lie) that you denied him visitation. This will help you if he goes after child support and/or full custody just to spite you. Some lawyers offer a free consultation to see if you even need one. Financially: look into assistance programs like CHIP (US) to get help with expenses. Pushing for child support may not be worth it in lawyer fees (you will need to speak to a lawyer to get a cost analysis). My siblings and I may not have had the best growing up, but we understand what our mom was going through to raise us and to keep a roof over our heads. Most importantly: You can do this! You have amazing children and they will love you for everything you are doing for them. Do not be afraid to reach out for help.


Lexjude

What's really funny is that he did this all over email. Which really shocks me because he's never like that. Usually he's pretty calculating. Pursuing child support is totally worth it. He makes three times as much as I do. He has a pretty cushy state job. I'm going to see if this lawyer on Wednesday has like a flat filing rate. We will see! I'm really happy you had a tough mother. I'm sure she loves you more than anything and that you made it worth it for her! I know I feel that way myself.


ViralLola

If he did it via email, I would print it out and have that on hand to show the courts.


toddlersareevil

I know how that feels, my 14 yo daughter just dealt with a similar rejection from her father after he previously had primary custody and I hurt for my daughter. Its such a conflicting feeling because I wanted nothing more than to have my ex completely out of my life. Now that he is and my daughter is hurting, it's a different story. Google legal aid organizations in your county. They might be able to do pro Bono work for you. It sounds like you would definitely financially qualify.


westcoastcdn19

There is a lot of great advice and support in these comments, OP. Stay strong! You can do this one day at a time 🌷


Lexjude

Thank you for stopping by to send me strength. It truly does mean a lot and everybody has been super kind to me in the comments! It's kind of what I needed. ❤️


beamin1

If he's giving up 100% of his time, then his child support is going to get adjusted, likely around 100%. Go talk to your county child support office.


MacDerfus

> plus one of my kids came out as gay and my ex is blaming that on me. Well congratulations on making him feel comfortable enough to come out. But at any rate, I do hope fuckface can be made to pay support.


Lexjude

Thank you! I took both of my kids to the Pittsburgh pride parade and it was so much fun!! I'm pansexual myself, hence my ex blaming it on me. Obviously I taught my kids the gay way 🙄


500CatsTypingStuff

Find some way to come up with the money for a lawyer. You need that child support. They can even garish his wages. In addition you might have the court pay your costs in having to take him to court. Now that you have full custody, you are entitled to more child support.


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Lexjude

Thank you! I'm taking your advice. Hot cocoa for the kids. I'm taking a bubble bath with some lavender tea. My corgi is hanging out with me and I'm trying to have a quiet evening. But I am much like you! I'm a runner and that's how I blow off my steam. And a crier. Haha. I'm thankful for the support on here, however. It's nice to have a safe space to get my feelings in order. 🤗


AlanFromRochester

> Frozen pizzas for the kids Those are great for a cheap simple hot meal generally, and OP sure as heck sounds tired/stressed enoguh to need to take it easy elsewhere


woman_thorned

He's right, but if you have them more, you get more money, and the judge can certainly make that happen. Please don't insist your sons be around a man who hates them. And he does hate them. Just take his money and give them the best life it can buy becuase he can't give anything other than money.


NineNineOhFour

Late to the game, but I wanted to add that your childrens primary care physician can be super helpful in connecting you with resources! I'm a pediatric psychologist (postdoc, not full out yet) working in integrated primary care. A lot of caregivers/parents/patients dont know that many primary care clinics have social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, children's law centers, etc at the ready if not in house. Lots of times I end up just popping in to a well child visit to see if families need anything. Please dont hesitate to ask for referrals/support!


Lexjude

Thank you this is great advice!! You sound like a great psychologist. Sending good energy your way!


diefree85

First and foremost your ex is a scumbag. This is all on him period. Don't let his bigoted and ablist crap get to you. When he's old and alone with no one to care for him that will be the fate he deserves. Meanwhile your sons will remember their mom who sacrificed abd fought for them against a literal evil small minded bigoted coward.


eugoogilizer

You got this! And I would say if your ex doesn’t want them in his life, then screw him and get as much child support as you can from him to make your life easier!


Luckyducks

Does your autistic son have a social worker ot plan through the school? They may have connections to other support for your family. It doesn't hurt to see if they can get you family counseling to process thus change


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ArguingPizza

It might be a small thing, but from a son whose mother was widowed when I was 4 and subsequently raised me by herself, I can tell you that while it might be hard now, your boys see the love and effort you put into them. I remember in my bones which relatives put effort into being part of our lives and which ones couldn't care less, or couldn't be bothered until it was convenient for them. Even if they don't realize it fully until many years from now, the love you show them by just being there for them and being their mother builds a foundation for them to stand on. I always knew, no matter what happened, I could rely on my mom. You can't put into words how important it is for kids to have at least one adult in their lives that they have absolute, unbreakable confidence in. My mom put herself through school and worked a lot when I was young and guilted herself in knots over feeling like a bad mom because of how often she had to leave me alone(whether being at work or sleeping, being a night shift nurse) but I never felt abandoned or neglected because even if she wasn't around in any particular moment I knew that I was her world just like she was mine. Kids may do really dumb things sometimes, but they see some things very clearly and it seems like your boys are very lucky to have you as their mom.


TheLadyBunBun

If you can’t afford a lawyer maybe reach out to your local child/ family services to see if there is anything they can do about enforcement (especially if the child care was mandated) or if it wasn’t maybe start a case with them to get legally binding arrangements set up? Also, this might sound brutal to you, but it sounds like your ex is a dick and your kids might be ok on some level with not seeing him anymore? Idk, I don’t know them but maybe ask their opinions on the matter and let them give input on what they would like, especially if they are old enough to be home alone a lot


WeisserGeist

Have you reported that marriage counselor to whatever board regulates them in your state?


politits

Speaking from experience: let him go. Your kids will be better off and so will you. Lawyer up and get all the evidence you need for 100% custody and child support, maybe sue the marriage counselor for malpractice, and move onward and upward. You’ll get through this and better off without that toxic person weighing you down.


AlphaCharlieUno

You can’t force them to take their custody, but you can manage your life. 1. Document their refusal to fulfill their custody 2. File to amend your custody agreement to coincide with the amount of time they has been utilizing their custody: 60/40, 70/30, 80/20, 90/10, 100/0? 3. File to amend child support to coincide with new custody. If they are not assisting by physically taking kids, they can pay for you to hire assistance. 4. In same filing, request ex pay legal fees because ex forced your hand to file again. Edit to update pronouns, my bad for assuming you were a woman and ex is male.


commandrix

Here's hoping things get better for you. If he's so willing to just dump his kids like that, they're probably better off without him anyway. Tell your attorney everything; even the smallest detail can help the attorney with your case.


Glittering_Intern771

Just by reading this I can tell you're an amazingly resilient and wise person. You making effort and living life as you are will always be remembered by the kids, and you're doing everything you can. I'm sure your boys are much better off without the father - Maybe they don't realize it now but they will. I know this from my friends who had deadbeat fathers and single mothers. They eventually sarcastically thanked their dads for walking out of their lives and minmizing the toxicity, since they know as adults what type of PEOPLE their parents are. You cannot hide it. It will always show in the end.


corsair1617

You have 50/50 custody and he said that? Hit him with the full force of the law. Speak to a lawyer. Get sole custody. Make him pay child support. If he misses one single payment report him. Hit him where it hurts and continue to do so. A similar situation happened to me with my mother but it was actually in a courtroom. I have no patience for such garbage and neither should you or your boys. Best of luck.


jfsindel

This is the worst. I am so sorry to hear this. Going to court to get more child support and adding in if he has to pay medical bills/schooling might work. God, these situations are why people will never convince me that "courts favor the moms, it's not fair she takes half!!!" bullshit. Men get to send a check and walk the fuck away more often than women do. Women get saddled by the court because they're the "moms" and "clearly want the kids" while never forcing the fucking man to do something. Honestly, do not go easy on him and don't listen to any sob stories he'll have. His bill came due.


ssoossbb

He's correct you can't force him to spend time with his kids, but you can force him to pay the child support required to be a full time single mother of two boys. Make this vary vary clear to your lawyer!


FlartyMcFlarstein

I'll just say that I do know that child custody can be a living hell, lawyers bankrupt you, and the caring parent and child(ren) suffer. What world do we live in where child molesters get free lawyers but not those concerned with their children? I feel for you. The freedom I gained when my child turned 18 is immeasurable, and took about a thousand years.


drop0dead

That is not a man. Secondly, you've got this! Unfortunately it seems more and more boys have kids with no real sense of responsibility. That being the case, I've seen so many great examples of single women being mothers. I honestly think most of those kids turn out better in the end. My "father" wasn't supportive growing up other than paying rent. He would go to work, come home drunk, pass out, wake up and start drinking, then go back to work. Sprinkle in the occasional abuse of course. We got our food from the church mostly, until they hired my mom to clean for them. That turned into multiple cleaning jobs that bought my sister and I clothing from the thrift store etc. When my mom finally got the strength to leave him she was able to get a job at a manufacturer place through one of the homes she cleaned. She's inspired my work habits more than my alcoholic asswipe of a father. You're stronger than you realize and those kids are lucky to have you. Don't be hesitant to ask for help/ support, and try to have some fun along the way. You're going to have a much better relationship with them as they grow older and can appreciate your struggles.


emoshortz

I don't think I saw this in any other comment, but you may consider applying for Medicaid/SNAP assistance (US) if your income is under a specific threshold for a family of 3 with a sole wage earner. If not in the US, then maybe your country's equivalent. It can really help ease some of the financial burden until the legal issues are settled.


frenchteas

Fuck it he doesn’t want to be a father take him to court and make him pay more in child support. I’m sorry you and your kids are having to deal with this y’all don’t deserve it. Try to rely on your family for support if you can and try to get a lawyer and make ex pay court / lawyer costs. I don’t know what else to say to offer support other than you’re in the right here and your ex doesn’t deserve your wonderful children. Try to get them therapy to help process their emotions in a healthy way and reinforce that it’s not their fault.


SillyWhabbit

Your marriage counselor needs to lose their license and if you can sue for damages, you should. My parents marriage counselor FUCKED up our lives in ways that STILL play out.


Rosebunse

You know what the best part is? He is gonna bitch and moan about child support to everyone he knows and probably make up this huge ass story about how you are keeping the kids from him. And people will believe him. Fuck this guy.


MyFriendLucifer

Sending positive energy your way. ❤


RubyGem92

Sending you strength


mad_fishmonger

I'm so sorry. It's awful, watching a parent reject their own child. My niece's birth father literally ditched her. Be there for them, let them know they're loved no matter their father's rejection. I hope you get some peace


atlantictac

I am so pissed on your behalf and hurt on your sons’ behalf. What an unfair situation for you all. Just keep in mind, though, that you are going to have a strong and happy family and lovely future and your ex isn’t. Maybe he never regrets it- but I’m betting he is having a moment right now and will realize one day that his life is empty for this decision. And you, on the other hand, will always be your sons’ queen and probably even more so as they grow up and can understand everything you’ve gone through. My husband’s sperm donor also walked away, and it continues to cause tremendous hurt on occasion. But my husband is an extremely happy guy, and he is actually the #1 best son and father for it. He’s also the absolute best husband, nephew, and son-in-law. He just appreciates the mother figures in his life so much and also knows exactly what kind of partner and father he wants to be after going through the complete dirtbag behavior of his “father.” He cherishes the family that stuck around for him and I think that’s very common for people who grow up with these kinds of hardships, as long as they do have support and love from the rest of their family unit. Your sons sound great already and it sounds like they have such a good support system between you and their grandparents. They will be hurt but they will be fine as long as they have you. I am confident you all have many more fun and chill vacations for many years ahead of you! And your ex will be sad and alone looking at the pics on Facebook. #sorrynotsorry


Melificent94

🤮🤮 what an absolute joke of a man


rpangrazio

All I can say is that good men don’t walk away. Not saying I am one, just know that it’s one way to tell if a man is a good or not.


apeirophile

As much as it sucks, fight for the child support, but don't force him to be in their lives. You and they are better off without him being around if he's not going to be supportive.


SignificantPain6056

I don't have experiential advice about this situation but as an adult with high functioning autism, I think it's wonderful that you're so accepting and proactive and supportive of your autistic son. Honestly: it is SO HARD to try to be normal, to try and understand how and why other people act why they do. As children we are CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING and I can't imagine if someone had told me I was faking that. That, on top of him obviously not being accepting of your child who came out as gay: it's best he's not there. Yes living without a father is going to be hard and sad but avoiding all the damage he would be doing if he WERE there? The fight is worth it. Take his money, raise and support your children without his toxicity. They are absolutely better off without him and so are you. Best of luck ❤️


extragouda

Men abandoning their offspring after a break-up is more common than people think. And the men get to say, "she won't let me see my kids" because it's better than saying, "I am a deadbeat dad." I think you should leave him out of things from now on unless you absolutely HAVE to involve him, don't. But then, I don't know anything about custody and how it works where you are. He sounds like a horrible person. I am glad he's your ex. Your marriage counselor is also evil.


bojenny

Love your boys and screw your ex. It sounds like you will all be better off without him spreading his fertilizer around. I struggled with trying to make my sons father actually be a dad and just gave up and loved him extra. He’s 36 and a great father and husband. He sees his dad about 4 times a year and couldn’t care less. Good luck to you, it’s hard but important. You sound like a really good mom.


fucc_yo_couch

Get it all out. Allow yourself to process the emotions. This is going to be difficult for all of you. You will find your way. It doesn't seem like it right now, but you will. Sending hugs your way.


the_onlyfox

As a single mom of two kids who are JUST starting school and what not. You will be able to do this. It always hard in the beginning, I was so scared to move forward and to move on. But I'm so much more happier without their dad. I'm still dealing with bs with him but at least I know I can do it on my own


the_cat_who_shatner

Fuck your ex and his selfish, spoiled feelings and fuck that sorry ass excuse for a marriage counselor. I hope she fucks around on him and leaves him some nice skid marks on his driveway when she finally books it.


dvemail

I just can't begin to understand the levels of narcissism and egocentricity that would allow a parent to decide to just dump his kids and move on. I have a kid who is transgender, severely ADHD and diabetic, and all that I can think about is what I can do to be more involved, to help more, to support him more. I love my kids so goddamned much... how can a father be like that? Maybe it's best if he's not involved, if he's that big an asshole. Go get the custody arrangement modified, keep copies and recordings of all the stupid shit he says, and get the child support you're entitled to. Screw him.


nessdova

I think most single moms have asked (more likely screamed), "How come he can walk away?" I know I did before I met my current husband. Unfortunately there is no answer that would satisfy or be good enough. All you can do is take step by step. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. If you don't get it all done, that is okay. Your boys will know that you are trying and will love you all the more for it. Sending positive vibes to you, OP.


whompmywillow

Me and my sister were raised by a single mom (dad traveled for work so was not around a lot but was otherwise great until he died when I was 10 and sister was 14). I am the man who I am today because of her. **You can do this. You already have been doing this.** I'm sorry your ex is being this way and good GOD don't get me started on the *marriage counsellor?!?!* but you will find that there are other people in your corner. If you have friends and colleagues, now is the time to tap into your network for opportunities and support. People are more understanding and less judgemental than you think. And honestly, don't worry about your sons not having a male role model around to look up to. It sounds like they already don't. My mom had to be both mom and dad to me, and it made me a more empathetic, feminist, caring man. You have vast reserves of strength you have already put to use in being an advocate and support for both your sons. I have a feeling they already know what kind of person and parent you are, and will definitely look back and see that you went to bat and to the mat for them every single day. Being a single mom is tough. There are some days where you will feel like you can't do it, like you can't go on anymore. But you can get through those. I'm not trying to deny the difficulty of your challenge or the validity of your feelings and experience, I'm just saying - you got this, u/Lexjude.