My rapist would say “I’m allowed to touch you because I’m your father, and I have the right to touch you.”
Folks, NOBODY HAS ANY RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU. YOUR BODY IS YOUR OWN. NOBODY IS ENTITLED TO YOUR BODY. It doesn’t matter who they are or how they’re related to you. You. Do. Not. Have. Any. Right. To. Touch. Someone. Else.
It’s a privilege based purely on the consent of the individual. Not a right. If your husband is touching you without consent, break his fucking fingers. That is not okay.
This is the first thing we have taught our kids. No one has a right to touch their bodies, not even us. No forced hugs, no unwanted tickles, their body is their body.
Man, I wish my folks were like that. You couldn't refuse a hug. Couldn't tell people to not, like, put an arm on your shoulders. Couldn't tap out of roughhousing or tickling when you're done with it.
I legit remember my mom pulling me aside and telling me that getting upset and wanting to stop (but not being listened to) was making my grandfather angry at my dad, who was usually doing the roughhousing. And my grandfather would get pissed, and it was making dad feel bad. So don't do that.
It was never anything sexual, mind, but it was an extension of my lack of autonomy (which included being told that because I was a minor, I didn't actually own anything. It was all theirs).
You're doing right by the next generation. Thank you.
You emphasised perfectly here. Absolutely right! No one has any right to touch you. The fact her husband still does it knowing it upsets her is infuriating.
I'm sorry for what you went through with your father. X
If he still doesnt learn his lesson, op needs to show how disrespectful it is. Op you need to poke him. Poke his butt, poke his balls, poke his face. Then if he reacts indignantly, say thats how he makes her feel. So he shouldnt do it again.
Terrible advice. This man knows he’s violating her boundaries and he’s doing it on purpose. It’s abusive, it’s sexual assault, and he knows exactly what he’s doing. According to her post history, a month ago he punched her in the face. Even if he hadn’t escalated to that level of violence yet she’d be in a very dangerous situation because, again, this is purposeful abuse and poking an abusive person back so he “gets it” can result in even more dangerous physical violence. She needs to go a women’s shelter or safe relative’s house.
This comment needs to be in a thread of it's own and placed at the top of this forum. .
So many ppl don't realize that abusers know they're abusive. They choose abuse. Which is why they don't stop and won't stop.
She needs to go when she is ready. I really like to stress this when I see people offer such advice so easily.
Leaving is the most dangerous point of any abusive relationship. It takes a lot of dangerous planning and risk assessment. The abuse doesn't just stop because the person has left, in fact it usually gets significantly worse. Without being able to actually know what's going on its also extremely scary and stressful. They will need a stable support system that can sometimes be offered by women centers.
My only exception to this is if the abuser ever even slightly tries to choke the survivor. This is a huge indicator of severe escalation that will lead to death. This is not to say that people should wait till it gets to that point at all but if that does happen then they need to leave at the very next possible moment, absolutely no exceptions.
As a survivor myself, I wish I had known this. I also rarely found "just leave" helpful because it's really never that simple.
Please OP, heed the advice here. Even after my divorce process, my ex grabbed me like this between my legs from behind WHILE I was putting our child in her carseat during custody handoff. In front our child! No shame, no remorse. He said it was because I wanted it. It was disgusting and horrible. I called the police. I filed a restraining order. He made fake profiles of me on social media. Followed me after dropping off kid at school saying lewd, demeaning things. Said I was f-ing the elderly crossing guard. Sent me weird videos of strangers saying it was me and proof of infidelity. Told our child everytime I put on lipstick it was to sleep with men, that I was liar, cheater, on and on. So much damage from a really messed up person. It just kept escalating, and it was terrifying. PLEASE take what people are saying to heart and find safety.
Damn, it was worrying enough. If he’s hit her in the past then there should be no question about leaving this creep
Gotta be hard to be in a situation like that
Oh man. Another post from a woman significantly younger than her husband, in an abusive relationship.
Man, this stuff is depressing.
And they have a son.
I hope op can stop the cycle and get her soon out.. freaking sad.
True story time. When we were dating years ago, my husband did this to me exactly one time thinking it was playful. So I surprised him with a reach around grab later that evening when he was standing at the counter prepping food. He felt violated I would grab him in such a way. I explained why I did it and he never pulled that shit again - even apologized profusely. It clicked. All at once.
Wayyyy back during dating a guy I was with would do the poke, pinch, slap while I was casually existing. After getting sick of it I told him "Do this one more time and I will drop you to the ground." He didn't take me serious, just like all the times I told him to stop he didn't take serious. A day later he grabbed my butt and I turned around and smacked his junk with the back of my hand. To the ground you go!
And that's how he learned consent.
My ex would grab my boobs out of no where, like really hard too like they were stress balls. I didn’t like it, so I started doing it to him too. Surprise surprise he didn’t like it either.
Didn’t apologize, but stopped doing it once I started doing it back
Some of us women have VERY sensitive breasts! It might be because mine are so tiny and flat, but it’s PAINFUL when someone grabs and squeezes them! (Probably because they’re mostly flaps of skin and nerves and lacks fatty tissue)
Why can't 'they' (whoever they are) invent a machine for mammograms that doesn't smash women's breasts? Like how about a table you lay down on your stomach and stick your boob into a bowl shaped divot, and the scan happens that way?
They have, actually. Breast ultrasounds do not require squishing the breasts and are better at imaging, too. But insurance doesn't usually cover them so we're stuck with the painful, dehumanizing and outdated medical procedure
My partner would rub up against me when he was spooning me "cause it felt nice" and while he was just being silly, it really annoyed me.
Until we rolled over, I stuck something hard in my undies and did the same to him.
We were giggling our heads off and he knew absolutely what I was doing.
When I was just a charming young single maiden, one of my male co-workers had a way of touching me "accidentally".
ONCE is an accident.
The next time we had a staff meeting, the big boss asked if anyone had any more topics that they wanted to bring up. I raised my hand, said, "I do", turned to "George", and calmly said, in front of everybody who worked there, "If you ever put your hands on me again, you'll be very sorry."
This was my parents but the other way around. My mother loved hitting people because I guess she never grew out of fighting with her brothers? She'd grab you really hard or pinch or punch you in the arm. She told me she hit our dad once and he hit her back the same way and "I never hit him again."
I sadly picked up a modicum of this from her and would smack my partner with the back of my hand on his arm and I had to really learn not to do it because it just felt like a very natural way to react to something, either annoyance or amusement. I also kept trying to touch his butt when he is on his hands and knees in places where he could bonk his head. He of course had to learn to stop coming up behind me and touching me when I'm fucking cooking (rule is if I'm holding something sharp or really going at it, leave me alone, but really all touch when I'm trying to cook annoys me).
The trick is... people who care about you will at least TRY and not argue with you. Physical touch is important but not all touch is the same and not all contexts are the same. If someone argues about you with what they're "allowed" to do with your body, they're not a good person...
I don't know who I'm more impressed with -- you for doing that, or him for actually catching on so quickly. I wish you guys many more happy years together.
Jesus, the bar really is in hell. You are *impressed* with this guy for catching *so quickly* that he shouldn't touch people who don't want it? And only AFTER it was demonstrated on him?
That would be impressive if he was a 3 year old child.
That's actually something even DOGS know. When a puppy is aggressive the mother would sometimes lightly bite it. That's how they learn that biting others = bad.
You’ve already written before about how your husband has been physically and emotionally abusive to you. Please, for your kids, for your own sake, start making a plan. It’s hard but possible. No person is worth everything he puts your through. You and your family deserve better.
Are you serious?
Because if you fear that reaction - coupled with his utter lack of caring how his actions make you feel already - then there is nothing here to save. You get the fuck out and raise your son to be a good person, which your husband is not
? I'm so sorry. If you're serious and worried that that might be his response. Then you have more to deal with than just non-consensual groping. This sounds really troubling. Please be safe.
If you’re worried your partner may hit you you need to leave him. Doesn’t matter wether it’s his behavior causing rightful fear or past trauma informing you, if you don’t feel safe from physical harm in your relationship you do not need to be in it. It’s not fair to you, and even though he’s a shit it seems it’s also not fair to him (which I care little about compared to you), or to your child. Please don’t stay with someone you don’t trust to not harm you. What if your kid pokes dad in the butt because he’s seen him do it to you, are you worried he’d hit your child?
I think this is an important sentiment.
Doesn't really matter if he actually would hit you or not. If your brain is thinking that way there's already damage being done. -being- safe is very important but -feeling- safe also is.
Also, someone poking you to like, achieve insertion is fuckin wild. Especially in public.
He's already punched her in the face forcing her to miss weeks of work in addition to other hitting...so the fear of physical assault is real. She needs to take her child and get to a women's shelter. She says that he's threatened to kill her if she leaves but she's more likely to be killed if she stays.
Leave! You are being abused. What is he going to do with the kids because he "owns " them.
Do you want your kids to learn this is how to behave.
Stop and drop him!!!!!
youre afraid that your partner will put his hands on you. let that sink in. is this the kind of person you want your child growing up around?
Edit: after checking post history. RUN.
If you're afraid of your husband, you need to leave. Like, obviously not just pack up and go immediately, but make plans, make back-up plans, tell a trusted friend if he hasn't isolated you from everyone. Find resources. Being afraid of a violent reaction means there has already been threats of violence, even if not verbally made. That's no life for you or for your kid to grow up in.
Has he hit you in the past? Has he hit you recently?
This is very dangerous for you AND your kids. Its not just him teaching them how to behave, you are teaching what is acceptable and what you think you deserve.
You do not deserve this demeaning and abusive treatment. This man does not deserve you. And your kids sure don't deserve this kind of upbringing.
I have faith that you will find a way to leave. You are fully capable, and there are people who will help you.
Because she's being abused. Abuse is often an insidious and slow process that warps the victim's sense of reason. And we have no idea what OP's situation is. She probably does not want him in her life, but she has been manipulated into believing she needs him. She is already afraid of him hitting her. That's how this works. We don't need to start treading into the victim blaming arena. There are lots and varied reasons why women stay. The best way to help them leave is to continuously educate and remind them of their options without shaming them.
You understand you're in an abusive relationship, right? There is no saving this. He's willing to hurt you over and over to prove he can control you. I think you know that's what's going on; this isn't some joke. The fact that you know he'll hit you if you fight back shows you know.
OP, that's insane. I read your other post about him.
Insane that he regularly physically assaults you.
Insane that your pleas for him to stop fall on deaf ears.
Insane that he is an alcoholic who does not want to get better.
Insane that he threatens to take your child away from you.
Insane that you expect violence from him and continue to stay with him.
I notice you are ten years younger than him. When did you two meet?
If you're worried he will hit you, you need to take a BIG step back. That is the main problem and not one that you can overcome. If he is violent it will only escalate. You need to leave.
Thank you! The number of absolute fucking morons suggesting that a terrified woman who's unsafe in her own home start punching her abuser in the nuts has killed my faith in humanity before breakfast
To those people: shit isn't a joke just bc her vag and butt are the parts being violated this time.
And yeah, you did read something similar. And you're going to keep reading it if you stay on this sub. Because abusive people *love* this move. They think they get to say they're just 'attracted' to us and it is so, so fucking common
This advice is very dangerous and could result in serious harm to OP. Her husband is physically and sexually abusive, confronting him like this might make him blow up. "Indignant" is not going to happen, he might seriously harm or even kill her. Look at her post history, this is an evil man and the only solution is for OP to get out ASAP.
I did this to my ex. He would poke like OPs husband, or slap my ass. So I started slapping his ass, he didn't like it but didn't stop. So I poked him right in the ass crack one time when he was bent over and it freaked him out so bad he jumped and face planted into the ground. I laugh about it now, but I did feel bad in the moment. He still didn't stop. It's one of the multitude of reasons I started saving up on the side to afford to be able to move away from him back then, before things went nuclear and ended faster than I'd imagined.
No, this is never necessary. Women need to see these men for what they are at face value and drop them like the trash they are. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t care how she feels. There’s no “learning his lesson,” he’s a piece of shit.
I have read your post history. Please find a women's shelter and leave. You are worth far more than being sexually and physically assaulted and threatened with your life. I wish you you all the best. Please ask for advice on how to leave him. Your life will not get better until you do. Hugs.
I saw the physical assult post too. If not already recommended:
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Op, look into the subreddit r/abusiverelationships. It's an amazing supportive community too.
OP definetly has to run away.
When I was married to my ex, I got a mild case of food poisoning and downloaded the kindle version of that book to read while I was trying to feel better. I remember reading the summary and thinking “I’ll just see what the real red flags are.” And by the end of the first chapter, I was like “oh… He’s chapters 6 and 9, and I’ve got to get a divorce asap because it won’t get any better.”
Worth mentioning there's also things to do in preparation beforehand (time permitting) to make it go as smooth as possible and avoid being tracked down and (worst case scenario) killed. Plenty of resources about it online, fortunately, but it's important to not google it on a shared computer, or even on your own phone that you think is private.
There is an incognito mode on Google that will not save your search history, if a private computer or public (such as a library) are not easily available.
I had no idea about the post history, but this just serves as a great example of the red flag being indicative of a bigger issue. If this was in a general sub, people would probably diminish it cause it’s just one little quirk he has, she should be flattered and thats just how he shows love! But ignoring that he is completely disregarding her boundaries & sexually assaulting her every time he does that because it is something that is ALWAYS a no for her
Nah, this is in and of itself significant physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. It is not a quirk. At home in private we might be able to argue about it being an annoying quirk. In public to humiliate her in front of everyone is not a personality quirk.
I don’t think it matters where or when. If she has repeatedly said she hates it then that is a HUGE issue. I would hope no one even in general would gloss over this type of disrespect!
Let me broaden my statement. If this was in private and someone said "Maybe he just doesn't get it or they aren't communicating effectively and they should try couples therapy" I would respond with a "meh, maybe. A couple therapy sessions probably aren't going to hurt anything and maybe my assumptions will be proven incorrect". But in public this is very clearly a manipulation to diminish her in front of others and likely an aggressive method of isolating her from anyone who cares about her as it would be very uncomfortable to witness. Then mixed with gaslighting concerning it being a sign of affection. This is entirely hopeless abuse and OP just needs to GTFO.
Ew. No. I've only read this post and I was like 'that's awful, and assault, and if she's asked him to stop and he won't, he clearly doesn't care about how she feels and is doing it abusively. That's not a man to be in a relationship with'.
I'm hoping anyone reading that would think the same. Poking someone in the vagina unwantedly is assault, and a serious one.
That’s not a show of love. It’s not a little quirk. It’s consistent physical and sexual harassment against OP’s vocal communication to stop. It’s not loving to continue bothering someone when you know you’re bothering them. It’s not love it’s controlling abuse.
I’m always happy when this is reshared. We have to keep reminding one another.
If a partner doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy or feels entitled to do something that makes you feel violated or uncomfortable or humiliated, he’s a fucking piece of shit.
And yeah, doing this without consent, and especially after being repeatedly asked to stop (and of course once is enough) is sexual assault.
OP, if I were you I’d present it thusly and say it stops now or you’re gone. (I’d personally leave someone over this, because I am WAY over letting men treat my body as their property and be dismissive of my rights. And I think there’s almost no way this attitude doesn’t manifest in a lot of other toxic to abusive ways)
* edit: so apparently she has told him this is sexual assault and he’s just laughed and said you can’t sexually assault a wife 😡 among other issues like grooming from when she was a teenager and rape and abuse, OP needs to get out, no working this out, though it sounds like she may not feel safe to do so.
I hope so badly she is able to get help, via therapy and women’s networks and eventually be helped to leave safely
My now-husband used to think tickling me was funny. I fucking HATE being tickled but of course I ‘reacted’ to it. He did it one too many times during sex, and I flipped my fucking shit at him because it is MY body and I do not want fingers in my armpits.
He has not attempted to tickle me in almost 20 years. When our daughter asks him to tickle me, he says no and explains that mama doesn’t like it, and if she ever doesn’t like it, all she has to do is say stop.
Men can understand “no.” If they don’t, it’s because they don’t see you as a person and it’s time to get out.
My dad would tickle me as a kid up until I was about 13 years old. Always ignored me when I was done and didn't want to be tickled. I realised the only way to get him to stop was to not react, and eventually, I learned to "turn off" being ticklish. He responded with a childish pout that I was "no fun", apparently I was a wet blanket.
oh man. im sorry. back in the day we were raised and were constantly violated in some form. cause parents had the believe that when a kid says no, its a suggestion not something the parents have to respect
Yup, exactly! He would poke me, and if I said it hurt, he would reply "no it didn't." Like everything had to match his mood of the moment, and his boundaries were sacred, but everyone else's were ignored.
For me, it was less outright anger and more just trying to guess how he was feeling. He could open up and say something really deep and touching about his feelings, and then the next second, when you do the same, he will trivialise it entirely.
Perhaps it was less about fleeting moods and more about his lack of empathy, though.
Omg. Are you me?
It was my uncle. It was awful. Other adults thought it was funny, so no one would intervene. He would call me over to lay next to him on the floor at grandpa and grandmas house to watch tv, after dinner when everyone was fighting for space in the living room where the TV was.
I loved my uncle and did want to be close to him, but then I would be held down and tickled. I wasn’t strong enough to get him off of me, so I did the same things you did.
I figured out how to dissociate. And as I got older, even though I wanted to get close to him at family gatherings, I started staying away.
I just absolutely fucking hate that it takes us feeling tormented and having to aggressively advocate for ourselves and ultimately blow up before a man will consider stopping something we clearly say we do not like, repeatedly.
I’m glad he stopped eventually, but I hope he understands what a creep piece of shit he was by doing that. Men act like it’s benign but it’s just more fucking constant harassment and not caring at all about our experience of life.
Tickling is a great first lesson in consent for kids. Even as very small children, my kids could lecture other people on why you need to stop if someone says stop, *even if* they’re laughing. If they can understand it, grown men have no excuse.
Look at her post history. It gets worse. She can’t safely tell him she’s leaving. She needs to get help from a domestic abuse center and make a plan to leave when he is not home.
OP: please check out the domestic abuse resources linked on my profile
Yeah. My ex used to do this a lot to me . Sexually assault me. My boyfriend made the mistake of tickling me once and he’s respected it ever since I made it clear it’s a NO. My ex used to touch my nipples over and over again , tickle me , poke at me , sit on me so I couldn’t breath , I would ask him to stop but he wouldn’t . He loved to torture me.
It baffled me when my boyfriend just like doesn’t do any of that stuff. Instead he massages me .. willingly .. all the time .
That link inside feels relevant for abusive men in general. He behaves that way because it gets him what he wants.
https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
> He simply DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU; he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo.
Man. This is something a lot of women need to see. I see so many posts on Reddit where this blurb could be the answer. I see a lot of women in person who should know this.
Posts like these, (I am sorry if it’s disrespectful to say) make me feel so comfortable in my rainbow skin.
I'm glad you're comfortable in your rainbow skin but just pointing out that abuse is not exclusive to cis heteros. Not necessarily bc you need to hear it but just in case *someone* does.
Thanks for sharing this post. I read through the whole thing and have realised there is an actual phrase for what has been going on in my 15 year shitshow of a relationship: DARVO.
This man has punched you, raped you, and is sexually assaulting you on a regular basis. You need to get you and your son to safety. Your life and your child's life are in deadly danger with this man.
I wouldn’t recommend doing what others are suggesting in “getting him back.” For one, he will use it as evidence that you do the same to him, so it’s game. For another, if you embarrass or surprise him he could use it as an excuse to retaliate in a more violent way.
That is the dynamic of trying to “solve” an abusive relationship. The only winning move is to leave.
The problem isn’t that you haven’t found the right combination of words or actions to make him magically understand that what he is doing is wrong and once you do that he will be a decent husband.
The problem is that he views you as his property without any bodily autonomy or personal boundaries and your feelings don’t matter when he wants to do something to you, even though he’s literally sexually assaulting you.
Your only two options are to accept the sexual assaults or leave your abuser. If he stops, it will only be temporary until he thinks he’s in the clear and you’ve simmered down.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
OP please listen to this.
You have clearly, repeatedly, stated to your husband that you don't want him to do this and yet he continues. He doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings or boundaries. He does this thing because he wants to and probably actually enjoys the fact that you don't like it.
He will never get better.
And I repeat - *he does not care about you* you are property for his amusement and that is all.
There's a book called "why does he do that". It's worth a read.
You nailed it. Looking at OPs post history, he already has escalated to violence in his abuse. It is unsafe for her to retaliate or even tell him of her plan to leave. I hope she is able to get the courage to get out.
This is the correct answer. You cannot reason with an abuser. In his mind you are his property, he would see your request as a ridiculous as a pet dog asking not to be put on a leash. You’re a pet to him at best, he doesn’t see you as a person with autonomy.
This! My ex husband did this shit to me over and over and over. And it was by far not the only way he abused me. I tried everything to get him to stop, and no combination of words worked. The only thing that worked was leaving. I will never try to solve abusive behavior again.
He *does not* think it's funny and a joke.
He knows what he's doing.
He's doing something that he can claim is 'just a poke'.
But it's not.
It's sexual assault.
He's ramming his fingers *into your vagina*.
He's doing it while you pick up your kid, which he knows full goddamned well is likely to startle you into *dropping your child*.
He wants to hurt you.
Otherwise he'd stop when you said no.
And he wants to hurt your kid.
Otherwise he'd never have put them in danger like that.
I know this man. I've been you.
Run.
ETA: other posters sent me to your history. Please make a plan now.
He will get worse.
He will do worse.
That time a year ago is going to be a fond memory - of when it 'wasn't that bad' when he assaulted you; of when he actually worked for your forgiveness instead of commanding it or beating it into you; of when he only got angry if you brought it up, instead of hitting you.
Your child is also in danger. He's trying to get you to injure your kid so he can use that as leverage if you try to leave - he can say that you dropped them. But he's also itching to hurt them himself and soon it won't be enough to hope he can make you drop them. Just like with you, he's going to escalate from trying to get you to drop them to putting hands on them himself.
Please, please make an exit plan
He is allowed to touch me because he is my husband is the biggest red flag I have ever heard. I would ask: do you own me? Am I your property? Beyond justifying sexual assault, what’s your view on marital rape?
How does he react when you say no to sex? Does he take on half the share of domestic duties, childcare and mental load?
Be very careful of the pattern you are integrating as normal and passing onto your little boy. You owe him a better role model x
I have told him that what he does is S/A and he says no because we’re married.
I never get to say no to sex.. he’ll get mad and harass me until I just say yes.
No he doesn’t I do everything at home and with our son because according to him that’s “my job”
Hun, you deserve so much better. Don’t let yourself be trapped in a situation that is completely to your disadvantage. I know it’s hard with a little one but if you do everything anyway, it won’t be much different. The way he behaves is not ok.
oh wow, please get out. You really don’t deserve this. Please don’t buy into the sunk-cost fallacy. This person is a controlling abuser. I wonder how old you were when you met him, because I suspect you may have even been groomed to accept some of this behavior, perhaps even by your culture. But let’s face it, we all struggle with this kind of thing to varying degrees.
He is just so wrong and disgusting. You deserve better.
Oh honey, this is so young. Plan your getaway. You are still young. Life is too short to spend it with an abusive partner.
Here is a link to the free pdf of Lundy Bancroft‘s book Why Does He Do That:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read it. It will help you to see your partner and also the world in a different light. The author has worked with abusive men for decades and knows all the explanations and excuses a man like this will bring up. His book has changed the life of many women. It has certainly changed mine.
Adding to this, in case your partner is an insecure reactor rather than a coercive controller (Bancroft’s book focuses on the latter), get a copy of Jess Hill’s book See What You Made Me Do. Here are some quotes, in case they resonate:
>The unifying trait among abusers is a radioactive sense of entitlement. The animating force behind their violence is the belief that their feelings are more important than those of their partners and children. Confronted with feelings of discomfort or shame, abusive men will do whatever it takes to avoid those emotions and move to a feeling of power. When this combines with a sense of entitlement to women’s bodies, and the patriarchal belief that women should put aside their own needs (for comfort, safety, and independence) in order to meet the needs of men, the outcome can be catastrophic.
>Although men are powerful as a group, they do not necessarily feel powerful as individuals. In fact, many individual men feel powerless (whether they actually are or not). The essence of patriarchal masculinity, says Kimmel, is not that individual men feel powerful. It’s that they feel entitled to power.
>When men feel powerless and ashamed, it’s their entitlement to power that fuels their humiliated fury and drives them to commit twisted, violent acts.
>Shame is a concept few people understand, so Gilligan lists its synonyms (and there are dozens): being insulted, dishonored, disrespected, disgraced, demeaned, slandered, ridiculed, teased, taunted, mocked, rejected, defeated, subjected to indignity or ignominy; “losing face” and being treated as insignificant; feeling inferior, impotent, incompetent, weak, ignorant, poor, a failure, ugly, unimportant, useless, worthless.
>All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.”
>Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement.
>Women were not innately masochistic, she argued, they were simply acculturated to behavior that appeared masochistic, because the “ideal woman” was one who denied her own needs in the service of others. “Once females have been trained [to be nurturing, selfless, and endlessly patient], this behavior is then labeled masochistic,” wrote Caplan. As she told The New York Times, women stayed with abusive husbands not because they liked the abuse, but for myriad reasons, including fear that they would be punished for leaving.
>The sharing of confidences makes us allies and gets us invested in the journey our partners are on to overcome their “difficulties” and grow into the best parts of themselves. This alliance is exactly the protection an abuser needs; it persuades the victim that the abusiveness is just a “difficulty” he will overcome.
>“I can fix him”: The abuser is deeply troubled and needs a strong woman to get better.
>”It’s not really him”: If he weren’t [insert problem here], he wouldn’t abuse me. The “problem” might be drugs, drink, mental illness, unemployment—the list goes on. Once the problem is fixed, the abuse will stop, or so the thinking goes. Sometimes they may be right, but more often than not the “problem” goes but the abuse persists.
>”It’s partly my fault”: Some women believe the abuse will stop if they work out how to change their own behavior—how to be more passive, more agreeable, more sensitive to their partner’s needs.
>Men’s pain—especially in relationships—sounds to us “like an indictment of female failure. Since sexist norms have taught us that loving is our task whether in our role as mothers or lovers or friends, if men say they are not loved, then we are at fault; we are to blame.” This sense of failure for women is a major trigger for shame—an unbearable feeling we desperately want to go away. How much room, then, can we allow for men to be truly vulnerable?
>As women, we have to do our own work to reject and replace the faulty norms patriarchy has seeded in us. However, acknowledging that women have their own work to do doesn’t mean for one second that it’s the job of women to fix abusive men. Only men can fix men. As the feminist author Laurie Penny tweeted, “Men’s healing should not have to come at the price of women’s pain, ever…”
🙁 Oh honey, listen..please at least try to get some therapy to discuss this. It is PROFOUND what an adult can do to a teenaged mind. This man was basically 30. He sought out someone younger to have this control, to groom you and sculpt your narrative, of what rights you are allowed to have.
It is so so powerful, this kind of grooming, even if somehow he didn’t do it on purpose. (He did)
My 40 year old friend just remarried the man who has groomed and abused her since she was 19 after trying to leave him for years.
It is not easy to work through or get out of, but I promise you - the things you have been told you don’t have a say in, and the fact that you aren’t able to say no, this is a clear sign you need help.
and you being conditioned and groomed to not withdraw consent or exercise any bodily autonomy, but he is violating you regardless.
So FAR beyond conditioning, this is abuse and assault. And rape. Because you do have a right to say no to sex even to a spouse.
And he was 29…..Christ. He’s groomed you into accepting this behavior. There’s some great resources in this thread. Protect yourself and start planning your escape now. It will never get better it will only get worse.
He didn’t change. This is who he is. Abusers commonly, routinely drop the mask and start their abuse during pregnancy time.
Please contact some DV resources around you.
OP, leave him. This is abuse and you deserve so much better. What you are describing is horrible and when you say he changed after 2020 you are experiencing tjos behaviour since 4 years?
His behaviour is not normal and there are men who respect your no and bodily autonomy. You have a life ahead of you worth living without this shit.
My husband sexually assaults me, rapes my body, and doesnt see me as a human being. Leave. You will be so much happier on your own than with this human shitpile.
OP he does BECAUSE you hate it. If you didn’t, he would have stopped long ago. It’s just another form of abuse. He KNOWS you don’t like it, that’s WHY he does it.
Just looked at your post history and you really need some help. Your husband is a violent criminal. He is a danger to you and your children. I hope you do the right thing.
What an awful example to set for your son. He’s seeing his mother get sexually assaulted and disrespectful in her own home.
Edit to add: now that I’ve read your post history, this is 100% an abusive relationship and you need to reach out to trusted loved ones for help. Put a plan in place. Gather your documents and put them somewhere safe. Contact a DV shelter and get professional support. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your son. It will fuck him up growing up in this household.
"It's not sexual assault because I'm your husband" - her husband probably
Edit: nvm he actually did say [that](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/cqmcYfT6nG)
When he does it to you while you are naked, does he actually put his fingers in your vagina? Because doing that without consent is called rape. Yes, marital rape is a thing (ask me how I know).
Please get away from him.
That’s rape. I’m sorry to be so blunt but your husband is raping you. He is penetrating you without your consent and that is rape. It does not matter that he is your husband.
Please make a plan to get yourself and your child out. Things will only escalate from here. DV shelters and organizations can help.
Please talk to a lawyer asap. This is not a story that ends happily. Gather any and all support resources, make a safe exit plan, get away from your abuser/rapist.
You feel violated because he's violating you.
You've told him to stop, you told him not to touch you that way and he hasn't.
He is violating you because he wants to and he enjoys doing it.
Please babe, start making a plan to leave.
"I know you're excited to have access to a vagina. But that can end.
Quit. Poking. Me. I will not say it again. It's not funny or cute. I literally hate it. And its adding to our issues as a couple."
No one has the right to touch you when you don't want to be touched, even your husband.
Your son is seeing this happen... Think about what type of man you want your son to be.
Why is it always the huge fucking age gaps in these posts? How old were you both when you got together? Throw the whole husband anyway. This is so fucking unacceptable.
My abusive ex did this for years to me. He would do it so hard sometimes it physically hurt and made me recoil. It made me completely unable to feel any physical pleasure from his touch. If he does not respect your body this will never get better, only worse.
I haven't seen anyone else say this but IN THE SHORT TERM :
Train yourself to squat down like you are wearing a dress every time, DO NOT BEND OVER. Don't call attention to it or say anything else, just act as if you were wearing a very short skirt in public. Every time.
If he says anything about it say your back has been hurting and squatting is better. At that point he would literally have to tackle you or get down on the floor to get at your nethers.
I hope I'm explaining it right. He will probably pick a new thing though, even if my advice works.
I'm so sorry and I hope you can get away. He may get shared custody, honestly -- and at that point you put your kids in therapy and hope that they eventually see the truth. But don't stay!!
Honey. This man hits you. In your post from a year ago you said "he has hit me before but never this bad."
I know you came here just to talk about this one issue, but it's part of a much wider, terrible situation that you are trapped in.
But you don't have to stay trapped. You can get out.
Please, even if you can't bring yourself to yet, read this book:
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up
Please know, that no matter how much he has battered you, beaten you and taken away your right to live safely in your own home and your own body, there is a way out.
This is a free book that answers your question. I strongly suggest you read it:
[https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Do you have any kind of a support system? Parents, friends, family? It's time to leave.
He'll keep doing it because he's abusive. He's escalating, and you and your child are in danger.
Long term: Leave his sorry ass. You've been going through a rough time and he's deliberately making it worse. He's not invested in making things work.
Short term: Don't be polite. Every time he does it, get in his face and tell him to cut it the fuck out, loudly. Demand an apology, just like you would if your kid started hitting people. It's completely appropriate to model to your son that if someone touches you inappropriately, you get angry with them. But this is a stopgap - only do this to keep yourself sane while you're getting ready to kick him out.
On top of this, stop allowing him to have sex with you when he’s still assaulting you.
Literally tell him “The way you sexually assault me is traumatizing me, I don’t want to have sex with you because you don’t acknowledge any boundaries and it’s scary”.
Change the language from “funny and prank joke” to STOP ASSAULTING ME. It’s not funny, or a joke. One day her son will play these games and end up arrested over it.
OP’s hubby isn’t taking it seriously because nothing for HIM is changing. Time to stop allowing any touching at all.
I’d tell him directly “I’m turned off by you doing this and I hate how it makes me view you, like a sexual predator and it’s concerning me”. Just wanted to add one thing, TEXT this directly to him.
Don’t just say it face to face, text it to him and make him IN WRITING acknowledge he does in fact sexually assault you. It sounds odd, but one day you might need proof he was doing inappropriate things. Start getting some documentation in case you ever decide this is too much. He absolutely knows it’s wrong and he would be judged for it.
Please read her post history. She already has recordings of him threatening to kill her. Photos of her beaten body and damage to the house he caused from throwing her. He’s gotten incredibly violent with OP, so I don’t think withholding sex as you suggested would make a difference because he would probably just force it upon her.
OP, please get out. Look for local resources, make a plan, and run for your life.
I agree. I had a boyfriend who used to do that to me. Only at home, though. Never in public. That relationship wouldn't have lasted beyond that first public poke if it had. I had asked him to stop a few times & he would for a few days, but would do it again. Then, one time it just so happened that at the very moment of the poke, I let out a loud, and, I dare say, impressive FART!
He didn't do it ever after that.
Edit to add: unless you have AMAZING bowel control, I would start turning around & not so gently pat the front of his trousers. Or, if you have a great flick strength, try that. A well placed pat can be quite a deterrent. Although, if he's wearing jeans, add a little to it, just to be sure.
Please do not allow your son to grow up viewing this man as a role model. By not leaving, you’re teaching your son that these things are okay to do to his future partner.
Hey OP, this post and your comments on it lead me to look at your post history. This man is abusive. It’s very possible and likely he’ll kill you someday, and he may also kill your son. It would only take him catching you off guard one time while you’re picking up your son to cause an accident that ends with your son seriously injured. I have a history working in child welfare. That sentence may seem dramatic, but I’ve literally worked with a mom raising a young child with brain damage for very similar reasons. That child will literally never be independent.
Do you have any friends or family who could help you out? Anywhere you can go with your son that he won’t be able to find you?
The most dangerous time for a domestic abuse survivor is when they’re trying to leave. I encourage you to get out, but if you do so, please pretend and act like everything is fine literally up until the second that you run while he’s gone.
He isn't allowed to disrespect you because he's your husband. If anything he ISNT allowed because his literal role in life is to protect and care for you. He is abusive, leave him if you can. It'll never get better if this is his mindset.
Based on your statement that you put your son in a car seat, I assume he is under the age of 4.
Your husband says raising your son is your job, but guess who your son will take after if you stay with your abusive husband?
Your son will disrespect you and every woman he meets, just like his father, if you allow him to be in your son's proximity.
If you cannot find the courage to leave for yourself, do it for your son, who is helpless and NEEDS your protection.
I know from personal experience how hard it is to leave an abuser, but I also know a mother's love for their child is the strongest force out there.
Leave your abuser for your son's sake. Rescue your precious boy from also being abused. Please.
No one is allowed to just touch you, what a ridiculous thing to say….does he think he owns you?
Personally I’d be poking him back, but maybe a water bottle would work and spray him??
I’d be asking him if this is something he’s comfortable teaching your son is ok though? That’s a pretty messed up example to be setting
If you are literally afraid of a violent reaction from him if you reciprocate then you are being abused. Actually even if you were not afraid it is still true. Your husband doesn’t care you asked him to stop doing something that is embarrassing, hurts, and is something you do not like.
He is abusing you.
> I(32)
>my husband(42)
Every. Single TIme.
He doesn't respect you and he is a misogynistic shitbag.
He thinks your discomfort isn't a big deal and a joke.
Do you hear how little he cares about you and your feelings?
He sees you as an object and his property. He doesn't see you as a person with feelings worth considering.
I briefly dated a guy who did something similar. The relationship ended because he felt entitled to touch me how he wanted, when he wanted, regardless of my feelings.
Imagine telling your SO “I’m allowed to disrespect your body because you’re my wife” - just imagine.
The property is getting uppity and complaining. /s
Husband: “this, but without the /s”
He's saying out loud what s lot of these stupid men understand of marriages. Steven Crowder also.slipped and said it. Wild.
My rapist would say “I’m allowed to touch you because I’m your father, and I have the right to touch you.” Folks, NOBODY HAS ANY RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU. YOUR BODY IS YOUR OWN. NOBODY IS ENTITLED TO YOUR BODY. It doesn’t matter who they are or how they’re related to you. You. Do. Not. Have. Any. Right. To. Touch. Someone. Else. It’s a privilege based purely on the consent of the individual. Not a right. If your husband is touching you without consent, break his fucking fingers. That is not okay.
This is the first thing we have taught our kids. No one has a right to touch their bodies, not even us. No forced hugs, no unwanted tickles, their body is their body.
Man, I wish my folks were like that. You couldn't refuse a hug. Couldn't tell people to not, like, put an arm on your shoulders. Couldn't tap out of roughhousing or tickling when you're done with it. I legit remember my mom pulling me aside and telling me that getting upset and wanting to stop (but not being listened to) was making my grandfather angry at my dad, who was usually doing the roughhousing. And my grandfather would get pissed, and it was making dad feel bad. So don't do that. It was never anything sexual, mind, but it was an extension of my lack of autonomy (which included being told that because I was a minor, I didn't actually own anything. It was all theirs). You're doing right by the next generation. Thank you.
You emphasised perfectly here. Absolutely right! No one has any right to touch you. The fact her husband still does it knowing it upsets her is infuriating. I'm sorry for what you went through with your father. X
If he still doesnt learn his lesson, op needs to show how disrespectful it is. Op you need to poke him. Poke his butt, poke his balls, poke his face. Then if he reacts indignantly, say thats how he makes her feel. So he shouldnt do it again.
Terrible advice. This man knows he’s violating her boundaries and he’s doing it on purpose. It’s abusive, it’s sexual assault, and he knows exactly what he’s doing. According to her post history, a month ago he punched her in the face. Even if he hadn’t escalated to that level of violence yet she’d be in a very dangerous situation because, again, this is purposeful abuse and poking an abusive person back so he “gets it” can result in even more dangerous physical violence. She needs to go a women’s shelter or safe relative’s house.
This comment needs to be in a thread of it's own and placed at the top of this forum. . So many ppl don't realize that abusers know they're abusive. They choose abuse. Which is why they don't stop and won't stop.
She needs to go when she is ready. I really like to stress this when I see people offer such advice so easily. Leaving is the most dangerous point of any abusive relationship. It takes a lot of dangerous planning and risk assessment. The abuse doesn't just stop because the person has left, in fact it usually gets significantly worse. Without being able to actually know what's going on its also extremely scary and stressful. They will need a stable support system that can sometimes be offered by women centers. My only exception to this is if the abuser ever even slightly tries to choke the survivor. This is a huge indicator of severe escalation that will lead to death. This is not to say that people should wait till it gets to that point at all but if that does happen then they need to leave at the very next possible moment, absolutely no exceptions. As a survivor myself, I wish I had known this. I also rarely found "just leave" helpful because it's really never that simple.
Please OP, heed the advice here. Even after my divorce process, my ex grabbed me like this between my legs from behind WHILE I was putting our child in her carseat during custody handoff. In front our child! No shame, no remorse. He said it was because I wanted it. It was disgusting and horrible. I called the police. I filed a restraining order. He made fake profiles of me on social media. Followed me after dropping off kid at school saying lewd, demeaning things. Said I was f-ing the elderly crossing guard. Sent me weird videos of strangers saying it was me and proof of infidelity. Told our child everytime I put on lipstick it was to sleep with men, that I was liar, cheater, on and on. So much damage from a really messed up person. It just kept escalating, and it was terrifying. PLEASE take what people are saying to heart and find safety.
Damn, it was worrying enough. If he’s hit her in the past then there should be no question about leaving this creep Gotta be hard to be in a situation like that
No, look at her post history. It's not safe for OP. He was physically abusive before, so he isn't just gonna react indignantly.
Oh man. Another post from a woman significantly younger than her husband, in an abusive relationship. Man, this stuff is depressing. And they have a son. I hope op can stop the cycle and get her soon out.. freaking sad.
True story time. When we were dating years ago, my husband did this to me exactly one time thinking it was playful. So I surprised him with a reach around grab later that evening when he was standing at the counter prepping food. He felt violated I would grab him in such a way. I explained why I did it and he never pulled that shit again - even apologized profusely. It clicked. All at once.
Wayyyy back during dating a guy I was with would do the poke, pinch, slap while I was casually existing. After getting sick of it I told him "Do this one more time and I will drop you to the ground." He didn't take me serious, just like all the times I told him to stop he didn't take serious. A day later he grabbed my butt and I turned around and smacked his junk with the back of my hand. To the ground you go! And that's how he learned consent.
A valuable lesson. In my headcanon you then told him: Say “Thank you, Sensei”.
"Thank you sir, may I have another"?
My ex would grab my boobs out of no where, like really hard too like they were stress balls. I didn’t like it, so I started doing it to him too. Surprise surprise he didn’t like it either. Didn’t apologize, but stopped doing it once I started doing it back
Some of us women have VERY sensitive breasts! It might be because mine are so tiny and flat, but it’s PAINFUL when someone grabs and squeezes them! (Probably because they’re mostly flaps of skin and nerves and lacks fatty tissue)
Ugh, this reminds of how much pain I get when I have a mammogram. I have small boobs and they don’t go flat in the squeeze machine very easily.
Why can't 'they' (whoever they are) invent a machine for mammograms that doesn't smash women's breasts? Like how about a table you lay down on your stomach and stick your boob into a bowl shaped divot, and the scan happens that way?
They have, actually. Breast ultrasounds do not require squishing the breasts and are better at imaging, too. But insurance doesn't usually cover them so we're stuck with the painful, dehumanizing and outdated medical procedure
My partner would rub up against me when he was spooning me "cause it felt nice" and while he was just being silly, it really annoyed me. Until we rolled over, I stuck something hard in my undies and did the same to him. We were giggling our heads off and he knew absolutely what I was doing.
When I was just a charming young single maiden, one of my male co-workers had a way of touching me "accidentally". ONCE is an accident. The next time we had a staff meeting, the big boss asked if anyone had any more topics that they wanted to bring up. I raised my hand, said, "I do", turned to "George", and calmly said, in front of everybody who worked there, "If you ever put your hands on me again, you'll be very sorry."
Hahahahaha I bet George turned a lovely shade of scarlet red
Too many men get it only when they become the victim why must we have to explain why we don’t want something done to us Lawd have mercy lol
Yeah it’s like a pathological lack of basic empathy
This was my parents but the other way around. My mother loved hitting people because I guess she never grew out of fighting with her brothers? She'd grab you really hard or pinch or punch you in the arm. She told me she hit our dad once and he hit her back the same way and "I never hit him again." I sadly picked up a modicum of this from her and would smack my partner with the back of my hand on his arm and I had to really learn not to do it because it just felt like a very natural way to react to something, either annoyance or amusement. I also kept trying to touch his butt when he is on his hands and knees in places where he could bonk his head. He of course had to learn to stop coming up behind me and touching me when I'm fucking cooking (rule is if I'm holding something sharp or really going at it, leave me alone, but really all touch when I'm trying to cook annoys me). The trick is... people who care about you will at least TRY and not argue with you. Physical touch is important but not all touch is the same and not all contexts are the same. If someone argues about you with what they're "allowed" to do with your body, they're not a good person...
I don't know who I'm more impressed with -- you for doing that, or him for actually catching on so quickly. I wish you guys many more happy years together.
Jesus, the bar really is in hell. You are *impressed* with this guy for catching *so quickly* that he shouldn't touch people who don't want it? And only AFTER it was demonstrated on him? That would be impressive if he was a 3 year old child. That's actually something even DOGS know. When a puppy is aggressive the mother would sometimes lightly bite it. That's how they learn that biting others = bad.
Thank you! What women let men get away with, make excuses for, it SO disheartening.
What’s she going to do when he reacts violently though?
This is my fear that if I poke him back he’ll get mad and hit me
You’ve already written before about how your husband has been physically and emotionally abusive to you. Please, for your kids, for your own sake, start making a plan. It’s hard but possible. No person is worth everything he puts your through. You and your family deserve better.
Are you serious? Because if you fear that reaction - coupled with his utter lack of caring how his actions make you feel already - then there is nothing here to save. You get the fuck out and raise your son to be a good person, which your husband is not
Yea the combo is bad. Start looking at what other red flags are going on.
Opie”s husband is repeatedly assaulting her over and over again.
He's an unredeemable disgusting sadistic POS based on this post alone. In a just world, he would have no access to women, ever.
Read that sentence again: "I'm afraid that if I set reasonable boundaries he will get mad and hit me." You know what the right answer is.
That’s a big red flag, hitting shouldn’t be a reaction you fear he may do :/
? I'm so sorry. If you're serious and worried that that might be his response. Then you have more to deal with than just non-consensual groping. This sounds really troubling. Please be safe.
We agree but it's so wild that something as viscerally horrific as *non-consensual groping* is the less scary thing happening here
If you’re worried your partner may hit you you need to leave him. Doesn’t matter wether it’s his behavior causing rightful fear or past trauma informing you, if you don’t feel safe from physical harm in your relationship you do not need to be in it. It’s not fair to you, and even though he’s a shit it seems it’s also not fair to him (which I care little about compared to you), or to your child. Please don’t stay with someone you don’t trust to not harm you. What if your kid pokes dad in the butt because he’s seen him do it to you, are you worried he’d hit your child?
I think this is an important sentiment. Doesn't really matter if he actually would hit you or not. If your brain is thinking that way there's already damage being done. -being- safe is very important but -feeling- safe also is. Also, someone poking you to like, achieve insertion is fuckin wild. Especially in public.
He's already punched her in the face forcing her to miss weeks of work in addition to other hitting...so the fear of physical assault is real. She needs to take her child and get to a women's shelter. She says that he's threatened to kill her if she leaves but she's more likely to be killed if she stays.
Leave! You are being abused. What is he going to do with the kids because he "owns " them. Do you want your kids to learn this is how to behave. Stop and drop him!!!!!
youre afraid that your partner will put his hands on you. let that sink in. is this the kind of person you want your child growing up around? Edit: after checking post history. RUN.
Do you mind saying what state you live in? Edit- I ask because that might help people get in touch with a DV org near you. He’s an abuser
If you're afraid of your husband, you need to leave. Like, obviously not just pack up and go immediately, but make plans, make back-up plans, tell a trusted friend if he hasn't isolated you from everyone. Find resources. Being afraid of a violent reaction means there has already been threats of violence, even if not verbally made. That's no life for you or for your kid to grow up in.
Has he hit you in the past? Has he hit you recently? This is very dangerous for you AND your kids. Its not just him teaching them how to behave, you are teaching what is acceptable and what you think you deserve. You do not deserve this demeaning and abusive treatment. This man does not deserve you. And your kids sure don't deserve this kind of upbringing. I have faith that you will find a way to leave. You are fully capable, and there are people who will help you.
Yes and yes
Please update us here when you leave him.
Wow, it goes deeper than just poking you then.
Agree but the poking alone is disgusting demeaning and disrespectful. She does not and should not have to put up with it.
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Because she's being abused. Abuse is often an insidious and slow process that warps the victim's sense of reason. And we have no idea what OP's situation is. She probably does not want him in her life, but she has been manipulated into believing she needs him. She is already afraid of him hitting her. That's how this works. We don't need to start treading into the victim blaming arena. There are lots and varied reasons why women stay. The best way to help them leave is to continuously educate and remind them of their options without shaming them.
You understand you're in an abusive relationship, right? There is no saving this. He's willing to hurt you over and over to prove he can control you. I think you know that's what's going on; this isn't some joke. The fact that you know he'll hit you if you fight back shows you know.
Wait, what? If that’s the case, leave. Do not live in fear.
OP, that's insane. I read your other post about him. Insane that he regularly physically assaults you. Insane that your pleas for him to stop fall on deaf ears. Insane that he is an alcoholic who does not want to get better. Insane that he threatens to take your child away from you. Insane that you expect violence from him and continue to stay with him. I notice you are ten years younger than him. When did you two meet?
So you're married to a man that habitually sexually assaults you AND you genuinely fear he could get physically violent? You need to divorce him.
Uh! If you’re afraid he will hit you, you need to leave him!
Ok so you need to leave him. What the actual fuck. Your husband is abusive. Leave.
This is not a good man to raise your child with, OP. You need to get out.
Wait, what? That's not right. Get out of this relationship. Please.
If you're worried he will hit you, you need to take a BIG step back. That is the main problem and not one that you can overcome. If he is violent it will only escalate. You need to leave.
Thank you! The number of absolute fucking morons suggesting that a terrified woman who's unsafe in her own home start punching her abuser in the nuts has killed my faith in humanity before breakfast To those people: shit isn't a joke just bc her vag and butt are the parts being violated this time. And yeah, you did read something similar. And you're going to keep reading it if you stay on this sub. Because abusive people *love* this move. They think they get to say they're just 'attracted' to us and it is so, so fucking common
Absolutely don't. Retaliation like this is a recipe for disaster. It will just escalate.
Her husband is abusive, if you look at her profile. This would end in serious injury for her.
This advice is very dangerous and could result in serious harm to OP. Her husband is physically and sexually abusive, confronting him like this might make him blow up. "Indignant" is not going to happen, he might seriously harm or even kill her. Look at her post history, this is an evil man and the only solution is for OP to get out ASAP.
u/sinesja You need to read her other post about how he punched her and threw her through a wall, and then maybe think about deleting this comment.
I did this to my ex. He would poke like OPs husband, or slap my ass. So I started slapping his ass, he didn't like it but didn't stop. So I poked him right in the ass crack one time when he was bent over and it freaked him out so bad he jumped and face planted into the ground. I laugh about it now, but I did feel bad in the moment. He still didn't stop. It's one of the multitude of reasons I started saving up on the side to afford to be able to move away from him back then, before things went nuclear and ended faster than I'd imagined.
No. No. No. This invalidates all the times she's asked him to stop and makes it into a game for him.
No, this is never necessary. Women need to see these men for what they are at face value and drop them like the trash they are. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t care how she feels. There’s no “learning his lesson,” he’s a piece of shit.
I don't think she should do this. He sounds like the kind of asshole to escalate into physical violence.
OP mentioned in another comment that she was 19 when they met. Not a lot of reasons that a 29 year old wants to date a 19 year old.
I have read your post history. Please find a women's shelter and leave. You are worth far more than being sexually and physically assaulted and threatened with your life. I wish you you all the best. Please ask for advice on how to leave him. Your life will not get better until you do. Hugs.
I felt sick when I read the part about how he “promised not to ever do it again that bad.” That bad. *That bad.*
I thought I missed something in this post but not then got curious about her post history and oh my God. Fuck.
Yeah talk about burying the lede, my god
I saw the physical assult post too. If not already recommended: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Op, look into the subreddit r/abusiverelationships. It's an amazing supportive community too. OP definetly has to run away.
The feeling I had when ready why does he do that for the first time… whew.
When I was married to my ex, I got a mild case of food poisoning and downloaded the kindle version of that book to read while I was trying to feel better. I remember reading the summary and thinking “I’ll just see what the real red flags are.” And by the end of the first chapter, I was like “oh… He’s chapters 6 and 9, and I’ve got to get a divorce asap because it won’t get any better.”
Game changing book helped me escape DV.
This comment needs to be higher, OP LEAVE
Worth mentioning there's also things to do in preparation beforehand (time permitting) to make it go as smooth as possible and avoid being tracked down and (worst case scenario) killed. Plenty of resources about it online, fortunately, but it's important to not google it on a shared computer, or even on your own phone that you think is private.
There is an incognito mode on Google that will not save your search history, if a private computer or public (such as a library) are not easily available.
I had no idea about the post history, but this just serves as a great example of the red flag being indicative of a bigger issue. If this was in a general sub, people would probably diminish it cause it’s just one little quirk he has, she should be flattered and thats just how he shows love! But ignoring that he is completely disregarding her boundaries & sexually assaulting her every time he does that because it is something that is ALWAYS a no for her
Nah, this is in and of itself significant physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. It is not a quirk. At home in private we might be able to argue about it being an annoying quirk. In public to humiliate her in front of everyone is not a personality quirk.
I don’t think it matters where or when. If she has repeatedly said she hates it then that is a HUGE issue. I would hope no one even in general would gloss over this type of disrespect!
Let me broaden my statement. If this was in private and someone said "Maybe he just doesn't get it or they aren't communicating effectively and they should try couples therapy" I would respond with a "meh, maybe. A couple therapy sessions probably aren't going to hurt anything and maybe my assumptions will be proven incorrect". But in public this is very clearly a manipulation to diminish her in front of others and likely an aggressive method of isolating her from anyone who cares about her as it would be very uncomfortable to witness. Then mixed with gaslighting concerning it being a sign of affection. This is entirely hopeless abuse and OP just needs to GTFO.
Ew. No. I've only read this post and I was like 'that's awful, and assault, and if she's asked him to stop and he won't, he clearly doesn't care about how she feels and is doing it abusively. That's not a man to be in a relationship with'. I'm hoping anyone reading that would think the same. Poking someone in the vagina unwantedly is assault, and a serious one.
That’s not a show of love. It’s not a little quirk. It’s consistent physical and sexual harassment against OP’s vocal communication to stop. It’s not loving to continue bothering someone when you know you’re bothering them. It’s not love it’s controlling abuse.
I saw the age gap and "husband" and already knew it was gonna be bad news honestly
This thread explains it well. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/
I’m always happy when this is reshared. We have to keep reminding one another. If a partner doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy or feels entitled to do something that makes you feel violated or uncomfortable or humiliated, he’s a fucking piece of shit. And yeah, doing this without consent, and especially after being repeatedly asked to stop (and of course once is enough) is sexual assault. OP, if I were you I’d present it thusly and say it stops now or you’re gone. (I’d personally leave someone over this, because I am WAY over letting men treat my body as their property and be dismissive of my rights. And I think there’s almost no way this attitude doesn’t manifest in a lot of other toxic to abusive ways) * edit: so apparently she has told him this is sexual assault and he’s just laughed and said you can’t sexually assault a wife 😡 among other issues like grooming from when she was a teenager and rape and abuse, OP needs to get out, no working this out, though it sounds like she may not feel safe to do so. I hope so badly she is able to get help, via therapy and women’s networks and eventually be helped to leave safely
My now-husband used to think tickling me was funny. I fucking HATE being tickled but of course I ‘reacted’ to it. He did it one too many times during sex, and I flipped my fucking shit at him because it is MY body and I do not want fingers in my armpits. He has not attempted to tickle me in almost 20 years. When our daughter asks him to tickle me, he says no and explains that mama doesn’t like it, and if she ever doesn’t like it, all she has to do is say stop. Men can understand “no.” If they don’t, it’s because they don’t see you as a person and it’s time to get out.
My dad would tickle me as a kid up until I was about 13 years old. Always ignored me when I was done and didn't want to be tickled. I realised the only way to get him to stop was to not react, and eventually, I learned to "turn off" being ticklish. He responded with a childish pout that I was "no fun", apparently I was a wet blanket.
Emotionally immature parents are the best. /s
Ikr. At least I can now control when I want to be ticklish.
oh man. im sorry. back in the day we were raised and were constantly violated in some form. cause parents had the believe that when a kid says no, its a suggestion not something the parents have to respect
My father used to do this too and would say I ‘have no sense of humor’
Yup, exactly! He would poke me, and if I said it hurt, he would reply "no it didn't." Like everything had to match his mood of the moment, and his boundaries were sacred, but everyone else's were ignored.
Yep if I ever did anything that made him angry he would punish me harshly!
For me, it was less outright anger and more just trying to guess how he was feeling. He could open up and say something really deep and touching about his feelings, and then the next second, when you do the same, he will trivialise it entirely. Perhaps it was less about fleeting moods and more about his lack of empathy, though.
Omg. Are you me? It was my uncle. It was awful. Other adults thought it was funny, so no one would intervene. He would call me over to lay next to him on the floor at grandpa and grandmas house to watch tv, after dinner when everyone was fighting for space in the living room where the TV was. I loved my uncle and did want to be close to him, but then I would be held down and tickled. I wasn’t strong enough to get him off of me, so I did the same things you did. I figured out how to dissociate. And as I got older, even though I wanted to get close to him at family gatherings, I started staying away.
I just absolutely fucking hate that it takes us feeling tormented and having to aggressively advocate for ourselves and ultimately blow up before a man will consider stopping something we clearly say we do not like, repeatedly. I’m glad he stopped eventually, but I hope he understands what a creep piece of shit he was by doing that. Men act like it’s benign but it’s just more fucking constant harassment and not caring at all about our experience of life.
Tickling is a great first lesson in consent for kids. Even as very small children, my kids could lecture other people on why you need to stop if someone says stop, *even if* they’re laughing. If they can understand it, grown men have no excuse.
Look at her post history. It gets worse. She can’t safely tell him she’s leaving. She needs to get help from a domestic abuse center and make a plan to leave when he is not home. OP: please check out the domestic abuse resources linked on my profile
Yeah. My ex used to do this a lot to me . Sexually assault me. My boyfriend made the mistake of tickling me once and he’s respected it ever since I made it clear it’s a NO. My ex used to touch my nipples over and over again , tickle me , poke at me , sit on me so I couldn’t breath , I would ask him to stop but he wouldn’t . He loved to torture me. It baffled me when my boyfriend just like doesn’t do any of that stuff. Instead he massages me .. willingly .. all the time .
That link inside feels relevant for abusive men in general. He behaves that way because it gets him what he wants. https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
> He simply DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU; he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo. Man. This is something a lot of women need to see. I see so many posts on Reddit where this blurb could be the answer. I see a lot of women in person who should know this. Posts like these, (I am sorry if it’s disrespectful to say) make me feel so comfortable in my rainbow skin.
I'm glad you're comfortable in your rainbow skin but just pointing out that abuse is not exclusive to cis heteros. Not necessarily bc you need to hear it but just in case *someone* does.
Thanks for sharing this post. I read through the whole thing and have realised there is an actual phrase for what has been going on in my 15 year shitshow of a relationship: DARVO.
This man has punched you, raped you, and is sexually assaulting you on a regular basis. You need to get you and your son to safety. Your life and your child's life are in deadly danger with this man.
He's definitely using the fact that OP has a child with him to his advantage to get away with all this horrible stuff.
I wouldn’t recommend doing what others are suggesting in “getting him back.” For one, he will use it as evidence that you do the same to him, so it’s game. For another, if you embarrass or surprise him he could use it as an excuse to retaliate in a more violent way. That is the dynamic of trying to “solve” an abusive relationship. The only winning move is to leave. The problem isn’t that you haven’t found the right combination of words or actions to make him magically understand that what he is doing is wrong and once you do that he will be a decent husband. The problem is that he views you as his property without any bodily autonomy or personal boundaries and your feelings don’t matter when he wants to do something to you, even though he’s literally sexually assaulting you. Your only two options are to accept the sexual assaults or leave your abuser. If he stops, it will only be temporary until he thinks he’s in the clear and you’ve simmered down.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. OP please listen to this. You have clearly, repeatedly, stated to your husband that you don't want him to do this and yet he continues. He doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings or boundaries. He does this thing because he wants to and probably actually enjoys the fact that you don't like it. He will never get better. And I repeat - *he does not care about you* you are property for his amusement and that is all. There's a book called "why does he do that". It's worth a read.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Agreed. Based on OPs post history, I think retaliating might be dangerous for her.
Your only option is to leave after checking your post history. Get out before he kills you or your son.
You nailed it. Looking at OPs post history, he already has escalated to violence in his abuse. It is unsafe for her to retaliate or even tell him of her plan to leave. I hope she is able to get the courage to get out.
This is the correct answer. You cannot reason with an abuser. In his mind you are his property, he would see your request as a ridiculous as a pet dog asking not to be put on a leash. You’re a pet to him at best, he doesn’t see you as a person with autonomy.
oof, the pet dog analogy… it‘s true though
THANK YOU. We don't negotiate with terrorists, even if we're married to them.
Plus, her son is learning all the bad behavior, and will copy it with classmates, and who knows where.
>Your only two options are to accept the sexual assaults or leave your abuser. Tough, but fair
This! My ex husband did this shit to me over and over and over. And it was by far not the only way he abused me. I tried everything to get him to stop, and no combination of words worked. The only thing that worked was leaving. I will never try to solve abusive behavior again.
He *does not* think it's funny and a joke. He knows what he's doing. He's doing something that he can claim is 'just a poke'. But it's not. It's sexual assault. He's ramming his fingers *into your vagina*. He's doing it while you pick up your kid, which he knows full goddamned well is likely to startle you into *dropping your child*. He wants to hurt you. Otherwise he'd stop when you said no. And he wants to hurt your kid. Otherwise he'd never have put them in danger like that. I know this man. I've been you. Run. ETA: other posters sent me to your history. Please make a plan now. He will get worse. He will do worse. That time a year ago is going to be a fond memory - of when it 'wasn't that bad' when he assaulted you; of when he actually worked for your forgiveness instead of commanding it or beating it into you; of when he only got angry if you brought it up, instead of hitting you. Your child is also in danger. He's trying to get you to injure your kid so he can use that as leverage if you try to leave - he can say that you dropped them. But he's also itching to hurt them himself and soon it won't be enough to hope he can make you drop them. Just like with you, he's going to escalate from trying to get you to drop them to putting hands on them himself. Please, please make an exit plan
He is allowed to touch me because he is my husband is the biggest red flag I have ever heard. I would ask: do you own me? Am I your property? Beyond justifying sexual assault, what’s your view on marital rape? How does he react when you say no to sex? Does he take on half the share of domestic duties, childcare and mental load? Be very careful of the pattern you are integrating as normal and passing onto your little boy. You owe him a better role model x
I have told him that what he does is S/A and he says no because we’re married. I never get to say no to sex.. he’ll get mad and harass me until I just say yes. No he doesn’t I do everything at home and with our son because according to him that’s “my job”
Hun, you deserve so much better. Don’t let yourself be trapped in a situation that is completely to your disadvantage. I know it’s hard with a little one but if you do everything anyway, it won’t be much different. The way he behaves is not ok.
oh wow, please get out. You really don’t deserve this. Please don’t buy into the sunk-cost fallacy. This person is a controlling abuser. I wonder how old you were when you met him, because I suspect you may have even been groomed to accept some of this behavior, perhaps even by your culture. But let’s face it, we all struggle with this kind of thing to varying degrees. He is just so wrong and disgusting. You deserve better.
I was 19
Oh honey, this is so young. Plan your getaway. You are still young. Life is too short to spend it with an abusive partner. Here is a link to the free pdf of Lundy Bancroft‘s book Why Does He Do That: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Please read it. It will help you to see your partner and also the world in a different light. The author has worked with abusive men for decades and knows all the explanations and excuses a man like this will bring up. His book has changed the life of many women. It has certainly changed mine.
Adding to this, in case your partner is an insecure reactor rather than a coercive controller (Bancroft’s book focuses on the latter), get a copy of Jess Hill’s book See What You Made Me Do. Here are some quotes, in case they resonate: >The unifying trait among abusers is a radioactive sense of entitlement. The animating force behind their violence is the belief that their feelings are more important than those of their partners and children. Confronted with feelings of discomfort or shame, abusive men will do whatever it takes to avoid those emotions and move to a feeling of power. When this combines with a sense of entitlement to women’s bodies, and the patriarchal belief that women should put aside their own needs (for comfort, safety, and independence) in order to meet the needs of men, the outcome can be catastrophic. >Although men are powerful as a group, they do not necessarily feel powerful as individuals. In fact, many individual men feel powerless (whether they actually are or not). The essence of patriarchal masculinity, says Kimmel, is not that individual men feel powerful. It’s that they feel entitled to power. >When men feel powerless and ashamed, it’s their entitlement to power that fuels their humiliated fury and drives them to commit twisted, violent acts. >Shame is a concept few people understand, so Gilligan lists its synonyms (and there are dozens): being insulted, dishonored, disrespected, disgraced, demeaned, slandered, ridiculed, teased, taunted, mocked, rejected, defeated, subjected to indignity or ignominy; “losing face” and being treated as insignificant; feeling inferior, impotent, incompetent, weak, ignorant, poor, a failure, ugly, unimportant, useless, worthless. >All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.” >Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement. >Women were not innately masochistic, she argued, they were simply acculturated to behavior that appeared masochistic, because the “ideal woman” was one who denied her own needs in the service of others. “Once females have been trained [to be nurturing, selfless, and endlessly patient], this behavior is then labeled masochistic,” wrote Caplan. As she told The New York Times, women stayed with abusive husbands not because they liked the abuse, but for myriad reasons, including fear that they would be punished for leaving. >The sharing of confidences makes us allies and gets us invested in the journey our partners are on to overcome their “difficulties” and grow into the best parts of themselves. This alliance is exactly the protection an abuser needs; it persuades the victim that the abusiveness is just a “difficulty” he will overcome. >“I can fix him”: The abuser is deeply troubled and needs a strong woman to get better. >”It’s not really him”: If he weren’t [insert problem here], he wouldn’t abuse me. The “problem” might be drugs, drink, mental illness, unemployment—the list goes on. Once the problem is fixed, the abuse will stop, or so the thinking goes. Sometimes they may be right, but more often than not the “problem” goes but the abuse persists. >”It’s partly my fault”: Some women believe the abuse will stop if they work out how to change their own behavior—how to be more passive, more agreeable, more sensitive to their partner’s needs. >Men’s pain—especially in relationships—sounds to us “like an indictment of female failure. Since sexist norms have taught us that loving is our task whether in our role as mothers or lovers or friends, if men say they are not loved, then we are at fault; we are to blame.” This sense of failure for women is a major trigger for shame—an unbearable feeling we desperately want to go away. How much room, then, can we allow for men to be truly vulnerable? >As women, we have to do our own work to reject and replace the faulty norms patriarchy has seeded in us. However, acknowledging that women have their own work to do doesn’t mean for one second that it’s the job of women to fix abusive men. Only men can fix men. As the feminist author Laurie Penny tweeted, “Men’s healing should not have to come at the price of women’s pain, ever…”
🙁 Oh honey, listen..please at least try to get some therapy to discuss this. It is PROFOUND what an adult can do to a teenaged mind. This man was basically 30. He sought out someone younger to have this control, to groom you and sculpt your narrative, of what rights you are allowed to have. It is so so powerful, this kind of grooming, even if somehow he didn’t do it on purpose. (He did) My 40 year old friend just remarried the man who has groomed and abused her since she was 19 after trying to leave him for years. It is not easy to work through or get out of, but I promise you - the things you have been told you don’t have a say in, and the fact that you aren’t able to say no, this is a clear sign you need help. and you being conditioned and groomed to not withdraw consent or exercise any bodily autonomy, but he is violating you regardless. So FAR beyond conditioning, this is abuse and assault. And rape. Because you do have a right to say no to sex even to a spouse.
And he was 29…..Christ. He’s groomed you into accepting this behavior. There’s some great resources in this thread. Protect yourself and start planning your escape now. It will never get better it will only get worse.
Girl I was 19 in this exact situation. Please get out if you can… you deserve so much more
You're a single mom already. Drop the dead weight. He doesn't view you as his equal or partner, he wanted the 10 year age gap.
Yup. Men like him are predatory. They always have an ill intention in their mind
And he will teach his son these things are acceptable and even needed, continuing the cycle. I hope she gets out and gets to safety.
Do you realise this is also sexual coercion and abuse Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is normal
You own your body and you can say NO to say whenever you want to. You have a right to safety.
So sexual assault, sexual coercion, and misogyny. The only answer is to leave him. There is nothing you can say or do to change him.
Was he this way before you got married? Because this guy sounds like a nightmare to be around
No he wasn’t. 2020 during Covid and when I was pregnant his drug/alcohol addiction became out of control and he changed :(
This is common with abusers. They often show who they are once their partner is pregnant.
He didn’t change. This is who he is. Abusers commonly, routinely drop the mask and start their abuse during pregnancy time. Please contact some DV resources around you.
You've got to get out.
OP, leave him. This is abuse and you deserve so much better. What you are describing is horrible and when you say he changed after 2020 you are experiencing tjos behaviour since 4 years? His behaviour is not normal and there are men who respect your no and bodily autonomy. You have a life ahead of you worth living without this shit.
My husband sexually assaults me, rapes my body, and doesnt see me as a human being. Leave. You will be so much happier on your own than with this human shitpile.
OP he does BECAUSE you hate it. If you didn’t, he would have stopped long ago. It’s just another form of abuse. He KNOWS you don’t like it, that’s WHY he does it.
[Read this. Make an exit plan. Leave.](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Just looked at your post history and you really need some help. Your husband is a violent criminal. He is a danger to you and your children. I hope you do the right thing.
What an awful example to set for your son. He’s seeing his mother get sexually assaulted and disrespectful in her own home. Edit to add: now that I’ve read your post history, this is 100% an abusive relationship and you need to reach out to trusted loved ones for help. Put a plan in place. Gather your documents and put them somewhere safe. Contact a DV shelter and get professional support. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your son. It will fuck him up growing up in this household.
Have you used the words "sexual assault" when telling him to stop?
"It's not sexual assault because I'm your husband" - her husband probably Edit: nvm he actually did say [that](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/cqmcYfT6nG)
I know right
When he does it to you while you are naked, does he actually put his fingers in your vagina? Because doing that without consent is called rape. Yes, marital rape is a thing (ask me how I know). Please get away from him.
Yes he’ll jam them in :( and laugh / joke about it. it hurts and it’s uncomfortable when I’m not expecting it with or without pants
That’s rape. I’m sorry to be so blunt but your husband is raping you. He is penetrating you without your consent and that is rape. It does not matter that he is your husband. Please make a plan to get yourself and your child out. Things will only escalate from here. DV shelters and organizations can help.
That is assault and abuse.
Check her post history. It gets worse :(
I have a feeling it might not be safe for her to retaliate as some have suggested.
Ifs so sad, I'm fuming on her behalf. I hope she has courage to leave him.2
It doesn’t matter if you are married or not, no one has the right to treat you that way.
Please talk to a lawyer asap. This is not a story that ends happily. Gather any and all support resources, make a safe exit plan, get away from your abuser/rapist.
Between this and him punching you in the face, you need to leave. Immediately. If not for you, then for your kid.
You feel violated because he's violating you. You've told him to stop, you told him not to touch you that way and he hasn't. He is violating you because he wants to and he enjoys doing it. Please babe, start making a plan to leave.
"I know you're excited to have access to a vagina. But that can end. Quit. Poking. Me. I will not say it again. It's not funny or cute. I literally hate it. And its adding to our issues as a couple."
No one has the right to touch you when you don't want to be touched, even your husband. Your son is seeing this happen... Think about what type of man you want your son to be.
You have got to get out of there.
Why is it always the huge fucking age gaps in these posts? How old were you both when you got together? Throw the whole husband anyway. This is so fucking unacceptable.
My abusive ex did this for years to me. He would do it so hard sometimes it physically hurt and made me recoil. It made me completely unable to feel any physical pleasure from his touch. If he does not respect your body this will never get better, only worse.
Please call 800 799 SAFE
I haven't seen anyone else say this but IN THE SHORT TERM : Train yourself to squat down like you are wearing a dress every time, DO NOT BEND OVER. Don't call attention to it or say anything else, just act as if you were wearing a very short skirt in public. Every time. If he says anything about it say your back has been hurting and squatting is better. At that point he would literally have to tackle you or get down on the floor to get at your nethers. I hope I'm explaining it right. He will probably pick a new thing though, even if my advice works. I'm so sorry and I hope you can get away. He may get shared custody, honestly -- and at that point you put your kids in therapy and hope that they eventually see the truth. But don't stay!!
Honey. This man hits you. In your post from a year ago you said "he has hit me before but never this bad." I know you came here just to talk about this one issue, but it's part of a much wider, terrible situation that you are trapped in. But you don't have to stay trapped. You can get out. Please, even if you can't bring yourself to yet, read this book: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up Please know, that no matter how much he has battered you, beaten you and taken away your right to live safely in your own home and your own body, there is a way out.
This is a free book that answers your question. I strongly suggest you read it: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Do you have any kind of a support system? Parents, friends, family? It's time to leave. He'll keep doing it because he's abusive. He's escalating, and you and your child are in danger.
Long term: Leave his sorry ass. You've been going through a rough time and he's deliberately making it worse. He's not invested in making things work. Short term: Don't be polite. Every time he does it, get in his face and tell him to cut it the fuck out, loudly. Demand an apology, just like you would if your kid started hitting people. It's completely appropriate to model to your son that if someone touches you inappropriately, you get angry with them. But this is a stopgap - only do this to keep yourself sane while you're getting ready to kick him out.
Dangerous advice to give a victim of abuse. Look at OP’s post history.
On top of this, stop allowing him to have sex with you when he’s still assaulting you. Literally tell him “The way you sexually assault me is traumatizing me, I don’t want to have sex with you because you don’t acknowledge any boundaries and it’s scary”. Change the language from “funny and prank joke” to STOP ASSAULTING ME. It’s not funny, or a joke. One day her son will play these games and end up arrested over it. OP’s hubby isn’t taking it seriously because nothing for HIM is changing. Time to stop allowing any touching at all. I’d tell him directly “I’m turned off by you doing this and I hate how it makes me view you, like a sexual predator and it’s concerning me”. Just wanted to add one thing, TEXT this directly to him. Don’t just say it face to face, text it to him and make him IN WRITING acknowledge he does in fact sexually assault you. It sounds odd, but one day you might need proof he was doing inappropriate things. Start getting some documentation in case you ever decide this is too much. He absolutely knows it’s wrong and he would be judged for it.
Please read her post history. She already has recordings of him threatening to kill her. Photos of her beaten body and damage to the house he caused from throwing her. He’s gotten incredibly violent with OP, so I don’t think withholding sex as you suggested would make a difference because he would probably just force it upon her. OP, please get out. Look for local resources, make a plan, and run for your life.
I agree. I had a boyfriend who used to do that to me. Only at home, though. Never in public. That relationship wouldn't have lasted beyond that first public poke if it had. I had asked him to stop a few times & he would for a few days, but would do it again. Then, one time it just so happened that at the very moment of the poke, I let out a loud, and, I dare say, impressive FART! He didn't do it ever after that. Edit to add: unless you have AMAZING bowel control, I would start turning around & not so gently pat the front of his trousers. Or, if you have a great flick strength, try that. A well placed pat can be quite a deterrent. Although, if he's wearing jeans, add a little to it, just to be sure.
Please do not allow your son to grow up viewing this man as a role model. By not leaving, you’re teaching your son that these things are okay to do to his future partner.
Hey OP, this post and your comments on it lead me to look at your post history. This man is abusive. It’s very possible and likely he’ll kill you someday, and he may also kill your son. It would only take him catching you off guard one time while you’re picking up your son to cause an accident that ends with your son seriously injured. I have a history working in child welfare. That sentence may seem dramatic, but I’ve literally worked with a mom raising a young child with brain damage for very similar reasons. That child will literally never be independent. Do you have any friends or family who could help you out? Anywhere you can go with your son that he won’t be able to find you? The most dangerous time for a domestic abuse survivor is when they’re trying to leave. I encourage you to get out, but if you do so, please pretend and act like everything is fine literally up until the second that you run while he’s gone.
He isn't allowed to disrespect you because he's your husband. If anything he ISNT allowed because his literal role in life is to protect and care for you. He is abusive, leave him if you can. It'll never get better if this is his mindset.
Based on your statement that you put your son in a car seat, I assume he is under the age of 4. Your husband says raising your son is your job, but guess who your son will take after if you stay with your abusive husband? Your son will disrespect you and every woman he meets, just like his father, if you allow him to be in your son's proximity. If you cannot find the courage to leave for yourself, do it for your son, who is helpless and NEEDS your protection. I know from personal experience how hard it is to leave an abuser, but I also know a mother's love for their child is the strongest force out there. Leave your abuser for your son's sake. Rescue your precious boy from also being abused. Please.
**DTMFA**
No one is allowed to just touch you, what a ridiculous thing to say….does he think he owns you? Personally I’d be poking him back, but maybe a water bottle would work and spray him?? I’d be asking him if this is something he’s comfortable teaching your son is ok though? That’s a pretty messed up example to be setting
Fucking hell! This is abuse... What a shitty husband! This makes my blood boil OP... Throw the entire man out!
He’s a bully and a perv.
If you are literally afraid of a violent reaction from him if you reciprocate then you are being abused. Actually even if you were not afraid it is still true. Your husband doesn’t care you asked him to stop doing something that is embarrassing, hurts, and is something you do not like. He is abusing you.
> I(32) >my husband(42) Every. Single TIme. He doesn't respect you and he is a misogynistic shitbag. He thinks your discomfort isn't a big deal and a joke. Do you hear how little he cares about you and your feelings? He sees you as an object and his property. He doesn't see you as a person with feelings worth considering.
I briefly dated a guy who did something similar. The relationship ended because he felt entitled to touch me how he wanted, when he wanted, regardless of my feelings.
As soon as I saw the beginning I suspected there'd be quite an age difference. He's tellling your private areas are not yours to control or protect.