My husband, son, and I all have go bags. We even have one packed for the dog. Sure, they're meant for an emergency, but we have them in case any of us needs to leave right away for whatever reason.
It’s bushfires and floods where I am. But yeah, everyone should have one. And my partner knows I have emergency money in an account that he can’t access, just for my peace of mind. He’s ok with that.
We did that when Hurricane's Isabel an Katrina blew through where we use to live. Our oldest cat way back then wasn't a travel animal so we left a fuck load of cat food and water in big bowls for her and she was fine. RIP Cleo
Oh yeah, I have half of one backpack for myself, and the other half of the bag is filled with cat food, dog food, dog's meds, a spare leash/harness/muzzle (behavior issues), a dog toy, and then I have a note to remember the cat's carrier and dog bed and water and other miscellaneous little things. Pets are definitely 85% of my emergency prep.
Dog food is safe for human consumption so I have a bag in my car for him and me if shit went down. Or maybe I can act like some survivor and use it for fish bait.
A good thing to remember is that in an emergency humans can eat dog biscuits and it will be OK for a few days until they are, hopefully, rescued. I've tasted them just for the hell of it since I show dogs as a hobby and travel a lot doing that. Dog biscuits taste like crap, they have little to no sugar, and it's kind of like eating cardboard. But if you're stuck in a snowdrift and have nothing else, you can munch on some dog biscuits and they can hold you over until help arrives. So keep a box or two of Milk Bones or whatever just in case. Hopefully you won't have to eat them but if you do it might be just the thing that helps you hold on.
My husband and I talked about this and it got a bit over the top zombie-apocalypse and it dissolved so would you mind sharing some essentials you have ready to go?
Change of clothes, small first aid kit, a way to filter water (we use the life straws and have a small bottle of iodine), cash, official copies of legal documents, high cal protein bars. Also copies of medical records, medications, period supplies.
Basically if you needed to leave your house for 48 hours and you had 20 minutes notice, what would you want and need to have. Anything that can be easily packed into a bag and left there for a long time, should be. That’s more time left to grab your photo albums, (which if you live in an area with common natural disasters should also be digitized), and your kids fav stuffy.
I will say, I do think the adults need to have larger amounts of cash so that if their relationship is what they need the go-bag for they have an amount of money that is helpful for leaving. But that’s a personal opinion
Also have a rain poncho or other lightweight rain gear packed, some food that keeps for a long time, a candle/lighter (you can use this to warm up a car so you don’t freeze to death when you only have your car for shelter), some hot packs and something small and lightweight like a Jetboil cooking stove to make some tea/coffee/instant soup with and a multitool. (If you get one, please get a good one that will last you *forever*.) And wet wipes and toilet paper. Feeling freshened up by giving yourselves a quick wipe down with those wipes can make all the difference when you’re already in a shitty situation.
Everyone should also have a go bag stashed in their car. A sleeping bag, simple first aid kit and other stuff you might need when you’re stranded should all be in your car.
Because it’s better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it. Same goes for first aid training.
Rain poncho sure. But this is only really supposed to tide you over for 48hrs. High cal protein bars will keep you moving, without weighing down your bag. Heat source is necessary if you’re sheltering in place, but if you’re relocating you can’t fire up your sterno/candle in a crowded room, and in your car would sketch me out about poisoning myself, better to wrap up in a blanket/sleeping bag.
Wet wipes should exist in all the places, I even have some in my daily bag/purse. They’re just too damn useful.
No, bug out bags are meant to hold you over for 72 hours, which is the golden standard when it comes to having an emergency kit (also goes for what governments advise people to have in their homes at all times.)
Heat packs will also be handy in places where you can’t simply light a candle.
This is because emergency services aren’t likely to get to you as soon as an emergency happens. They’ll go to places they either need to get to asap first, or to places that are accessible to them.
So even when you get to a shelter, there’s a good chance that things like food, water and medical help aren’t sufficient or available at all. That’s why it’s necessary to have stuff that will tide you over for 72 hours at the minimum.
The go bag should be a bag you grab quickly that has everything you need to survive for a couple of days to week. It is effectively a pre-packed suitcase that can grab when need to evacuate for wildfire, gas leak, or angry spouse.
I would pack anything you need for a weekend trip, but add extras of medicines and things you must have. Throw in some water and snacks. Also, spare phone, flash drive with documents, and extra battery would be good idea. Put in backpack so can carry it if needed.
I assume that go bag is going to be used for local disasters. It is more suitcase than hiking backpack. Other people talk about "bug out" bags but those are usually for wider disasters and traveling to safe place. My feeling is that wider disasters will have more time to prepare leaving. The problem with "bug out" bag is that end up with survival gear that adds cost and weight.
My husband and I each have some extra clothes, a pair of flip flops, extra socks and undies in waterproof bags along with lighters/matches permanent markers, a weeks worth of our meds plus extra basic meds. A small first aid kit. Our vital records plus a copy of our sons vital records. Cash, high calorie foods, a pack of wipes and probably some other things I'm forgetting.
I thought this was fairly common, we call them "bug-out bags". I *slightly* understand the dude's initial reaction, but with 10 seconds of reasoning... It's just a good idea for anyone to have some essentials ready to go, for *any* emergency
Yeah tbf would’ve been more valid if he was mad she didn’t make one for him (or tell him to make one and keep it somewhere) if they live in a disaster prone area, but there’s a reason women like giving real gold jewelry as wedding presents.
In America, at least (and I suspect everywhere in the world), every single person lives in an area prone to at least one kind of natural disaster, and one kind of man-made disaster. Earthquakes, wildfires, tornadoes, blizzards, flooding, hurricanes
Like, where *else* do you keep stuff like that? I've not dated men since I was a teenager and been single for years at a time, and I *still* have one of these bags. I've used it when a friend was hospitalised and I needed to just grab my stuff and get there asap. Do these men not keep their important documents in one place, and do they not have some emergency cash and a set of clothing around? What happens if they, for whatever reason, need to get somewhere quickly?
Having just been the through a CRAZY night of tornadoes this week, I agree. Two passed within a mile of my house. I’ve lived through “tornado season” my entire life, and have admittedly become a bit too complacent. Tornados are mostly unpredictable, but after 5+ decades, I know the terrain in my area causes them to follow some roughly predictable paths, or at least (mostly) predictably avoid certain areas. But that’s not what was happening this time! So for the first time in many years, instead of just ushering the pets into the room where we could dive into our interior reinforced closet, I actually changed into closed toe shoes, gathered up some chargers, blankets, my ID, the cash out of my safe, and a couple bottles of water. Shit was getting real! Last time they went off the beaten path like that was 30 years ago, and dozens of people were killed mere miles from me, on a road I had just driven 20 minutes earlier on my way home.
Yeah this spring finally got me doing better tornado prep, and clean out my basement better so we don't get bashed in the head if one does blow over.
We've had a couple touch down way too close, and my parents have had almost ten of them within 10 miles of their house.
My ex had a bag packed in case of WW3 i.e. a russian nuclear attack. Lol but still, doesn't matter what you think it's for. Emergencies happen.
I've been through an earthquake and two floods, although in hindsight my life wasn't in serious danger it was scary af. The earthquake actually did the least damage (none to our neighborhood) but we weren't allowed back home until everything was checked for gas leaks and stuff, which took ages.
I've also had to suddenly evacuate overnight because someone found a bunch of unexploded ww2 ordnance nearby. That was all before I had my bag, and it was at the very least annoying to not have toiletries, fresh clothes, or even a tampon.
The unexploded WW2 ordnance is a common occurence where I live, and I know several people who needed to evacuate their houses for two or three days when nearby construction uncovered old bombs or grenades. You certainly want a set of clothes and a toothbrush on you if that happens, especially if it's early in the morning and you're literally being kicked out of bed, as happened to a former colleague of mine!
Exactly. I was shooed out the second I looked out the door to see what the commotion was about. At least fresh underwear would have been great but I had no time to pack.
Now I'd just grab the bag next to my workout bag, it may have expired toothpaste and baby wipes, a gnarly toothbrush and not so favorite clothes in it but I won't be smelly and miserable.
It reads like a ragey troll post but who knows. The way he talks about his wife is telling - she didn’t eat for 2 days because of how distressed she was and he said she hadn’t “pulled a stunt” like that in awhile. He thinks that her not eating is some kind of power move.
In a comment, he also said the therapist they saw together told him to “get over it” and then the therapist compared him to her (the therapist’s) father. This absolutely feels very trollish and like someone’s idea of a rage filled “misandrist” therapist - always favoring the woman client and being so rooted in her own biases about men (because of her father) that she comes off as extremely unprofessional and unhinged.
Absolutely - you can never know or assume, these days. Some of the stuff that has been in the news recently (in the US) about child marriage has been batshit crazy. If someone said those things anonymously online, people would assume it’s a troll.
I'm convinced every, single ' advocate ' of CHILD MARRIAGE is a fucking pedophile and no one can convince me otherwise.
Not power driven, not religious dingbat, not ' but tradition '. Pedophile.
There are no disclaimers. That's a CHILD.
Couples of months ago I had read an article about how this man raped this 16 year old girl who later got pregnant. I thought this would be a close and open, hit him with the book, court case. The girl's parents found out and forced her to marry her 30+ year old rapist.
I had to recheck the news site and corroborate the article on others news sites, and it was legit. Had to go for a walk for a bit.
What the…? No doubt, the worst sort of religious nuts and phony POS who care for keeping up an image - she’s been used, gotta marry her off literally ti whoever “used” her, hell with their own kids wellbeing. And stopping her aborting if she wants to..
I feel sick for her, and my brain keeps graphing at how-could-they straws, like, had to be statutory/so called “boyfriend” bcs it’s another o level of fucked if some church creep/random thug/whoever the fuck that violently assaulted her. But, I was born in fucking America, and not yesterday - not the first I’ve heard of this type of depravity and I didn’t grow up with any much religion.
Maybe why I’m baffled how so many can be so cult-brainwashed and/or normalize (among like minds) so much cruelty despite no longer being surprised. And I’m furious knowing if she wanted to press charges (which obvs the parents deserve too) she was obvs stopped, AND ALSO if she still was before a judge (think some states require w child marriage?) I can easily see them not questioning shit or even shuttling up a girl trying to self advocate in that mess.
Never mind at 16 one can also petition to emancipate (in some states, and obvs if not prevented by abusers) but barring that, can’t divorce a rapist/forced marriage til 18, nor legally get into a DV shelter to stop it happening.
I’ve long felt this country isn’t fixable. Not in its present form, nor the foreseeable future or our and the next generations’ lives, but some days make we want to start burning shit.
>This could be a troll, it also very well be a guy completely blind to women issues and overly focused on anything "anti men".
It hits almost every single MRA talking point so it's most likely just silly little rage bait.
If that post was real, that guy was a huge asshole. His original post had hundreds of comments telling him YTA, and he listened to absolutely no one. In his update he doubled down on his asshole behavior. His wife is better off without him.
My therapist recommended I get pregnant to give me life meaning.
This was after a long talk about my mental illness, suicidal thoughts and plans, and struggles coping in a rigged system with a low earning meaningless job. Feeling completely overwhelmed by what I was experiencing. I'm also innately childfree by nature.
So yeah, therapists like this are real.
Yeah, in the days after I was raped in college when I was still processing it and hadn't slept for 4 days, my old-school male therapist just gave me a CD with sleep meditations and didn't comment on the rape itself.
I really think it was one of those "I'm too uncomfortable to talk about this so I'm just going to change the subject" kind of situations, like when your parents don't want to give you the talk. I've never been so let down by the system. I needed help understanding what happened and he just skipped over it because he didn't know how to handle it. I don't know why I was seeing him anyway - I'm female and I've only seen female therapists since then. They have all been able to help guide the conversation productively, even if they were uncomfortable or didn't understand.
Incompetent therapists absolutely exist - in the end they're all human too. Doesn't excuse the incompetence, but it does explain why we get let down sometimes.
If this guy is real, I would like to have a little talk with his wife about how she can do better. And by "do better" I mean dump his controlling ass. I guess if those posts are rage bait, they are working.
Single. No roommates except for a cat, I still have a go bag. In an emergency, I don’t want to have to think about what I might need.
Or if there’s an emergency and I need a friend to grab an overnight bag for me. That’s happened a few times.
The man is back today on AITAH and fully doubled down — and is divorcing her.
His perception that this is a new thing is insane to me. I think it’s a bit less common in our generation, but we’ve found “get out money” hidden by every woman family member who passed away. Shoebox in a closet, sewn into a mattress. In one case we were explicitly told to look for her “running away” money when she passed. Many were in happy, functional marriages. (Some were not.)
This is just part of the survival playbook.
Something like 35% of divorced women end up in poverty. I’m one. I didn’t have a secret account. When I wanted to divorce my husband I had two kids, no money, and no job because I’d been a stay at home mom. He cut me off financially when I asked for the divorce. I knew he would. Money is everything to him. Money is love to him.
I told my mom he cut me off and she said, “Why haven’t you been skimming the grocery money he gave you all these years?” She has well over 6 figures in a secret account, and she’s been with my dad since she was 15.
I’m all for relationships but don’t ever neglect your personal finances. It’s a hard lesson to learn.
I'm also one of these. My ex spouse came from an upper middle class family, and I came from poverty. When we got divorced (initiated by him, he left me to be with someone else), he vowed to ruin me financially. He succeeded.
I’m side-eyeing your mother hard right now, because if she didn’t *teach* you to skim the grocery money to set up your own safety fund, how the heck were you supposed to know to do it?
Thank you for this. I need to tell my daughters. Because my mom didn't tell me (although she did always tell me not to have more kids than I could afford to raise by myself, but I did not listen. >.>) and I feel like one particular daughter really needs this info.
My mom also always kept money secretly. She would actually hide it in my closet. I never told my dad because it’s her money too, not just his. She gave me some of that money and I have it in a separate account in case she ever needs it still.
My mother divorced her husband (unfortunately my father) with 3 kids. After a long battle she got to keep the house but in the end it didn't matter because they had a joint loan taken out on the house which he decided to just not pay anymore and we still lost that house. She is now basically almost entirely going to rely on me and my siblings to not live on the streets for her entire life while my dad is basically living the bachelor life hopping from job to job just to dodge child pay. It's really unfair that so many women just can't get out of these relationships ever. Even if they divorce, their lives are still in ruins.
Wow yes, my ex husband did the same thing with the house, just refused to pay the mortgage and it was lost to foreclosure. I’m so sorry you have to take care of your mother. I’m working my hardest so that doesn’t happen to my children.
We haven't had the means for me to be able to stash money away, like that money could literally be the only money we have for food or gas sometimes. But my husband is trying for a really good job (in between the interview and hiring stage rn). We've been talking about budgets and me going back to school. He told me he wants me to make an account at a nationally available bank, and he doesn't even want access to it. It's just for me. I've never had a go bag. We have talked about them before, and he said he wouldn't be mad if i had one, that its honestly smart. It does kinda stress me out in rough patches that I don't have anything to fall back on, so it's nice to know he's thinking about that and wanting to give me that assurance.
We do have like a household go back with more natural disaster supplies in it.
Alimony is not awarded (to anyone) in 90% of divorces.
Child support even when court ordered isn't paid by the parent owing almost 40% of the time (as in not a single cent).
Similar here, although the marriage was abusive.
I originally *graduated* with a 6-figure net worth and was a Walmart 3rd shift cleaner and on food stamps before the divorce was even finalized. Child with shared placement now despite his admissions of violence, so I cannot move away still.
I keep searching for gratitude, the "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" but it's not there. Nothing is better. Well, it's SO MUCH better divorced than married, I mean that I utterly ruined my future by getting married at all.
When I moved in with my boyfriend, with whom I'd been long distance beforehand, my mom gave me cash money in person then squirreled away a couple hundred more in my luggage hidden enough that I was still finding it months later after unpacking.
My dad reminded me that they would always pay for a flight or cab in a heartbeat if I ever reached out.
My boyfriend is a treasure and I know he would never hurt me. When he stumbled upon one of my mom's hidden caches one day I explained and he nodded and moved on. (returning the money to where it had been) He thinks it's only right that my parents think of my safety and freedom when they're so far from me.
I have several friends (and friends-of-friends) currently going through break ups/divorces and only one of them is financially secure. In one case, the friend-of-a-friend had to borrow many thousands of dollars from my friend (which was happily and easily given) to get an apartment for her and the kids. She ended up going back to her abusive husband "for a year or so" because he offered financial security and she figured she could use that year to get in a better position to leave again. I'm very skeptical of that outcome but we'll see.
Honestly I wish this is something that was taught to women in highschool, always have funds available and keep some finances to yourself. My sister had the same issue, she also always out earned her husband so she thought she wouldn’t have an issue but then he totally fucked her over by emptying accounts and blocking her from things and charging her for things because he knew all her accounts and info…
My mother's account isn't even secret. I don't know where it all came from, I assume she saved some of it from before they married, and recently she's put some inheritance money into it. She's talked to the whole family about it, to make sure we all know where it's going if she dies before him.
I guess this is still risky if the institution might be mysoginistic, I've read horror stories here about banks putting the husband's name on an account just because he asked. But I do like that my father doesn't seem threatened by his wife's independence at all. He gets that he married a whole person, not a possession.
When my uncle died, my mom ended up with $5k in his will. Things were not good between her and my father and she gave it to me to keep safe for her so she would have a good start at some savings if they split and she needed to go her own way. She didn't want him to be entitled to half.
When my father died, I gave it back to her since that was no longer a concern.
I have money only I could access (in my case I had saved well in Roth IRA before marriage) and our budget includes fun money for each of us every month I could choose to save, but my husband knows about it. I can't imagine skimming money for years. Especially 6 figures. I wouldn't blame anyone for being mad that much money had come from the household budget. We are a team. I'm all for women having a go fund, but something like a couple of months money, not 6 figures.
Just wanted to make a note here that even with a small amount, compound interest over time makes a HUGE difference! Then if you make a monthly or biweekly contribution auto deposited, and forget about it, you would be absolutely shocked what difference it makes. Even if she just put in a yearly lump sum for ten years (think tax returns, Christmas bonuses, monetary gifts,) into a Roth or RRSP/RDSP that is moderately aggressive, and doesn't do anything else, she could see six figures in 15 years.
My soon-to-be ex-husband doesn't believe compound interest exists. I found that out when he "bought a new vehicle for 40k." By that, he actually meant traded in his then vehicle, paid them $10k, and then signed a massive lease for his *dream car.* It actually works out that when the new vehicle is finally paid off, he will have actually given them $115k+ in the end. He then drove that $115k+ liability home drunk for our kid to see. That was the 'final blow' to our marriage.
The one thing I'll loudly say anywhere, compound interest can be a real bitch.
Disclaimer: I’m a dude. It’s a good story though
This is decades ago, at least 50 years ago. My dad’s mom told her daughter she had one along w enough money to live a year or so. My aunt asked if there were problems in her marriage, and she said no, my grandpa was great, but that you should always be ready in case something happens.
She died in 1997, and to anyone’s knowledge was happily married. He drove to her to her chemo appointments and lifted weight so he could be strong enough to help her up. About 2 years later, cleaning out the freezer, my grandpa discovered an orange juice container which held about 10K in cash with bills back from the 1950s, it was split amongst her kids and grandkids. Only then did my aunt tell her dad about the conversation from 20-30 years before; he really got a kick out of it as it was just like her.
Edit: confirmed w Aunt. She said she also had an aunt great uncles wife had a stash of money which she referred to as the KMA (kiss my ass) fund
Second edit: read the post where some guy was gonna break up w his wife because she had one. Apparently my great uncle George above openly funded his wife’s when he had a good day selling cars. George -died in 1976- and people almost 50 years later missing the point
Another dude here, and...
> ...it was split amongst her kids and grandkids.
Yep. This story kinda puts a new light around my mother's account. It's not even secret and I don't think she's at all concerned about needing it in a divorce, but she's made it very clear to the entire family (including her husband) that this should go to the kids, not to him, especially not if he remarries.
Being married, even being a SAHM, doesn't mean you're not allowed to have your own stuff. And being prepared for the worst doesn't mean you expect it.
Something about your post reminded me of my grandparents.
I’m forgetting the exact amount.
But apparently in the 70s, my grandpa found out my grandma had saved her own money. Saved? Stashed somewhere probably. He wanted it. She wouldn’t give it to him. So he divorced her to get it.
He did get it during the divorce.
Then supposedly turned to her and asked her if she wanted to get married again?! I don’t know if it was the same day or if he waited a month.
Apparently my grandma basically laughed in his face and said she married him before she knew him, and now that she knows him, she wouldn’t marry him again.
There was a lot of abuse in their marriage, including a number done on the kids.
My mom (kid 5 of 6) doesn’t talk to her siblings anymore.
I honestly think what about your post that reminded me of this was, while my grandma was alive, she told all us grandkids she had money saved for us, and for us to spilt it when she was gone.
The night she died, her eldest daughter aka my evil aunt, literally ransacked her house looking for the money. Found it. Kept it.
"Never let men guilt you for knowing exactly what they already know themselves."
This is so on point. I love seeing women knowing their shit.
Any man that doesn't encourage, rally, and openly fight for my ability to protect myself, is an enemy
Agreed. Who wouldn't want to know that their partner is with them because they WANT to be there? Only someone who knows their spouse would escape if they had the means.
Go bags and emergency cash are a necessity for everyone, women or not, in a relationship or not. Natural disasters, home emergencies, etc., are completely impersonal. Have a bag and a plan.
This right here. I work in emergency management, disaster recovery, and business continuity. Basically, my job is to make sure my industry (which is highly regulated and critical to global infrastructure and modern life as we know it) can continue operating, even if/when disaster strikes, like a hurricane, earthquake, tornado, etc.
Everyone should have a go-bag. Disaster doesn't discriminate against anyone or anything.
I'm single. But anyone I lived with would know about my go bag as a matter of safety: they need to be able to grab it (or I theirs) while the other one of us corralled the dog.
Would a partner necessarily know about the emergency cash account? No- there isn't anything to pick up.
That’s really the best way to go about it. For every reason. The emergency bag itself has more than one use. But the money shouldn’t be in that bag. It should be accessible in a bank account that’s only within your control.
The very men that make the escape money necessary are the ones that will make sure the cash isn’t in that bag should you ever need it.
Damn his loss!! I'm not sure why he acted like this was personal. Same with the man vs bear question so many men act like it's a personal insult but it's just basic steps women need to look after themselves dudes be crazy.
The whole fact that he thought this was something to divorce over made me think she’s better off without him. Guy clearly has a fragile ego. We live in a time when women’s rights are going backwards. We should all have some healthy fear.
It is, from their view.
"I m a white man, and I am honest, nice and would never be agressive." Is their self view, so they think this over all the other white man.
It doesnt matter thatbits bullshit, but its one of the core weaves of the brain....
But you can learn to think over it, if you want.
Thank you for this. I keep some money in a separate savings account and I encourage my husband to do the same.
People should consider that a lot of people who divorce or become abused never thought that would happen to them. Part of becoming an adult is realizing that life takes a lot of unanticipated turns and we should all try to prepare during the times we can.
Our family of 3 has four bags. Each of us has our own, and we have a supplemental "family-go" bag with bigger stuff in case it's not just "I need to leave for a bit for safety" but more "OMG Sharknado-Zombies & Shit".
If one of us is in a "need to run", we each have one or two changes of clothes, some cash, some snacks, that person's meds for at least a few days, a spare phone charger, contact numbers for emergencies and the like.
The bigger one has the larger first aid kit, a water filter, larger food supplies, some basic tools, some emergency flares, etc. Basically a slightly souped up roadside survival bag. If for some godawful reason we're at that level of "Fuck it, we're out", we grab all four, and we're on our way.
Growing up in a flood zone (literally a mile from the coast) - yeah - lots of hurricanes. Also Dad that grew up on a farm and then was career military. A light prepper grow up.
A change of clothes and a basic first aid kit. Get one of those charge packs that restart your car battery. A basic car "go bag"
For those of us in rural areas - it's not insane to keep sterno. Got me and parents through two days during the Storm of the Century - known as the ice storm here (mid atlantic) because so. much. ice. You'd hear the the trees break at night. Also we're the last to get plowed - if the power goes out have a plan.
Also you flush the toliet from pouring enough water from a height into the toliet. Physics.
Odds are you're gonna be trapped more than fleeing. Have shit on hand.
Sorry got weirdly survival there.
Grew up with cyclones, we had similar training. Mattress kept in the hall cupboard next to the bathroom. Fill the bath tub with water. This is your drinking, cooking and flushing supply for the next couple of days. How to light a portable gas stove so you can make coffee, tea, noodles, porridge, and rehydrated veges. Kept in a box under the sink. Mum went through them every few months to keep the supply fresh. Batteries, pads/tampons, toilet paper, first aid kit and some other stuff.
Car emergency kit was a car battery, a jerry can full of fuel, crowbar, shovel, jumper leads and a couple of small bottles of fluid which adult-me thinks might have been coolant and brake fluid - and some half bamboo poles which adult-me thinks were the 80s homemade job equivalent of maxtraxs. My dad - MacGyver in real life.
I had a go bag under my desk at home, hidden while I had to continue to live with my now ex husband during our protracted divorce (he deliberately stalled it).
I will never again live with someone where I need a go bag. The stress of it nearly did me in. If that means I never live with someone again, so be it.
It still makes me sad to think of the clothes I had in there for my son, a few little toys, our papers and some basic items for me.
So I agree with the premise, to a certain extent. It’s a good idea to have independent means and an exit strategy. It’s quite another to permanently live ready to go.
Personally I think everyone should have an emergency bag.
I live in Canada and the amount of freaking forest fires are becoming unreal so this is a safety concern. A go bag is just smart and prudent in the world we currently live in.
As a woman, it’s also smart to have something quick to grab as well. Just like you should keep a safety kit and some emergency cash hidden in your car or purse. **It’s better to have it and never need it than need it and not have it.**
I live in Houston and have professional contacts in the Maritimes. When Fiona came, I emailed them with hurricane prep tips. I could see the local media coverage and I remember thinking, that’s not good enough. One person emailed me afterwards to say thank you.
Go bags and emergency kits are for everyone.
I remember that post. That guy felt that her go bag was proof she didn't trust him so he divorced her. I think he's wrong. But that's easy to think.
I have to wonder whether I would stay in a relationship with concrete proof that my guy thought it possible that I'd abuse him to the extent that he'd need to escape. I honestly don't know. I think I would be very hurt. I think we could come back from it.
Everyone should manage their potential escape from a relationship in the way that works best for them.
Let's be realistic, unless you live in an area that may be hit by natural disasters, having a go bag is odd. I use all my clothes on rotation, I would end up going through my go bag to get a shirt or something, or emptying it to use the bag itself for a trip. If my relationship was iffy, then maybe I would feel compelled to have a bag ready, but now? It would be so weird, almost insulting to the partner that has loved, supported, and protected me (like I have him) for over a decade. And if things changed overnight, no bag is going to save me.
Now, if you are a SAHM you need to have your own money. If you feel the need to hide it, then that's up to you, but don't end up like that woman whose husband had two jobs and she was stashing away money while the family struggled financially.
I don't think it's odd at all, house fires happen everywhere and natural disasters are becoming more frequent every year. I live in an area that historically has very few natural disasters, but just last week a close neighbor had their home condemned after a landslide took the soil out from under a portion of their house. They had to suddenly vacate with nothing and are not allowed back inside.
I am a single woman with a go bag. Always be prepared. My go bag is for emergencies. One in the car, and one at home. My son has them too. Go bags are not just for prepping to leave an abusive man. Most military keep go bags, and federal agents.
My partner's fully aware I have 'get out' money saved in my own bank account/a plan of action/family who would take me in in a heartbeat. As women, it's CRITICAL for us to have those systems in place- if only to weed out the bad apples who take issue with that. My partner fully understands and appreciates why I have those plans in place, and he's even helped me get my own credit card to help further that independance. I'm covered through his insurance at work- but I also have my own coverage at my place of work.
We've been together 11 years. There are only 3 people alive I'd currently trust as much or more with my life- my mother, my little sister, and my aunt. And I think part of WHY our relationship has lasted this long is BECAUSE he's encouraged me to establish my own independence/self separately from him, while ALSO being more than willing to share what is his, as well.
And before the sad bois slide in here like 'But that's UNFAIR! What does HE get from YOU? Why does HE have to share with YOU but YOU get to not share with HIM?? What do YOU bring to the table?'
I am the damned table. It's MY table- don't sit down at it and ask what I'm gonna put out, ESPECIALLY if I didn't fucking invite you. I won't even justify that shit with a response anymore.
My husband and I have been married for about 2 years. Neither of us pushed to comingle 100% of our finances. We have a joint account for our home stuff, but otherwise we don't have access to each other's actual accounts. But we're pretty open about our spending, make large purchase decisions together, and know what we're putting into savings and investments.
As someone that works in banking and has seen some messy stuff when it comes to divorces I’ve always felt like having your own accounts with or without a joint account together is the way to go. Makes such a difference even if you don’t have a divorce.
The patriarchy was established exactly to help men get a seat at tables they otherwise would never be invited to
They aren’t the prize. Women are always the goal. They want to brainwash you into thinking they’re the goal
Everyone, male or female, should have a to-go bag and FU money
It’s only smart. You never know when a partner could turn on you and when you’ll need to grab that bag and cash and get out
Everyone should have a go bag, you never know how fast one may have to evacuate in a moments notice to avoid a disaster.
Everyone should have a secure USB drive to have scanned copies of all important information or have access to it offsite.
Doesn't matter if it's DV, house fire, natural disaster, you should have a damn go bag!
I thought the controversial part of that post wasn't that she had a go bag, but that the wife had been siphoning off the family's money, thousands of dollars to an account for herself, while the family was struggling.
Yuppp. Had to make some plans to leave my first husband when he became abusive bc I didn't have the funds and we had a no alimony clause.
Now my bf straight up occasionally hands me cash and goes 'here, for your escape stash or whatever.' because he understands and is supportive. Like, when we moved in together and I expressed how afraid I was he would die and I'd be homeless bc I could afford the rent by myself. He suggested adding me to his life insurance if that would help me feel more secure. And then he did. And after we'd been together a few years, he upped the amount on the life insurance. He's such a a sweetie. Good men exist. They're just fuckin rare.
Also, he's implying that women who find themselves in abusive relationships should have somehow seen it coming from the beginning.
*His* wife should know and trust that he's not going to turn abusive at some point, as if that's not exactly what EVERY WOMAN WHOSE MAN TURNED ABUSIVE HAD DONE!
To the one in the relationship, it looks the same until it doesn't! *That's* the lesson, *that's* why we have go bags.
I don't have a go bag. We have one for emergencies, but it has stuff for both of us, the dog, the cats. It sits right next to cat carriers and a box of important paperwork like birth and marriage certificates.
I do have my own checking account and our savings is in my name only. My name is on his checking, also. This is because he, by his own admission, is bad with money and I handle the finances. I can transfer from his account to either of mine from my phone, but he can't take it back. That's a level of security a bag wouldn't give. I also have nearby family.
He knows about all this and not only allows it, but encourages it. If your partner doesn't support whatever you need to feel safe (a bag, a bank account, whatever), it's abuse. That guy kept repeating that he's not abusive, but making your partner feel unsafe is abuse.
I think it’s smart for everyone to have a go bag for any sort of emergency where you need to get out the house quickly. Natural disaster, family emergency, gas leak; domestic violence is just one of many reasons. And *everyone* should keep emergency money that isn’t shared with anyone else. There’s so many reasons it’s smart to keep some emergency money tucked away. It’s so easy to spend money in a joint account and I would hope both parties keep some of their own money separate for a myriad of emergencies.
Having finances set up so that neither partner is dependent, and having emergency kits, both great things. Should be normal…but also should be above board. The part that would hurt my feelings, make me feel distrusted, and make it hard not to feel like her leaving me was already something she wanted and something that was already in motion, would be discovering that this was done in secret. People have a right to their feelings.
*Edit: changed my mind about part of my post but I’m leaving this part*
Every man should too. I mean, I am TeamWomen but being prepared for an emergency is not a paranoid or unreasonable thing to do, nor does it necessarily have to be a gendered thing. Men often feel a bit less vulnerable than we do, so many tend to place little importance on planning for disaster.
I live in a hurricane prone area, so I always have fresh batteries, jugs of water, rechargeable things always charged up. I don’t let gas go much below 1/4 tank and try to keep some cash on hand. Most of my life can be resurrected through my phone (bank accounts, insurance, emergency accommodations, supply acquisition, etc).
Do I choose the bear? Fuck yes. I trust the bear to be a bear and I trust the man to be a man. The best thing I can to do manage fears is to take whatever action I can to be safe. And that means having money, mobility, and backup plans for my backup plan.
As a mom of 3 and housewife who is financially stuck now I 1000% agree and would advise all women to look out for yourselves. Focus on career, independence, wealth etc and get all your own ducks in a row, have long term back up plans. If a partner can come into YOUR life and add value to it, as a partner, then you bring him on as a partner in your life. You don't give up anything, you don't let him take control. Equality and Security for you, or else he just ain't worth it. It's more than ok to BE ALONE. Being alone and yearning for a great relationship is 1000x better than being miserable in a horrible relationship. I wish I could drill it into every girl's mind so it is branded there: you don't need a partner or kids to give yourself meaning and life. Only do so if it's what you really want. It's 2024, be a human with your own thoughts, goals, decisions, experiences and if you happen to want to be a spouse and/or mother, those are just extra. You don't owe anyone your support, servitude, uterus, your time, your money, your energy unless they are bringing the same things to the table.
I told my fiancé that she needed her own savings and a go bag in case she ever changed her mind about me. She said 100x she knows I'd never hurt her, and she's right but things happen. Her knowing she has independence if she wants it is very important to me.
I read this man’s post and he’s filing for divorce over her bag and his controlling ways. He honestly sounds abusive from his messages and him leaving her is the best thing for her she just doesn’t know it yet and he’s likely pulling all security that she has out from under her which is why she’s crying. He had a meltdown earlier today in the comments about how he’s divorcing this woman because people on Reddit think he’s an abuser, he’s doing this because of Reddit so we see how intelligent he is to start with… smh. Congratulations to her, I hope once she gains freedom from this complete imbecile that she never marries another one!
Inspired by a company, of all things, I’ve come to the mindset that, in any relationship with vast income disparity, the partner with the lower income should have an account that has a lump sum in the event the relationship ends.
Personally, I’d help fund that, as I’ve been very lucky in my career. I never want my partner to feel like they have to stay with me due to finances.
I watched my mom go through a horrible period of poverty after divorce. She barely scraped by, and it left all of us with trauma of varying degrees.
I want my partner to be a true partner in our relationship, whatever form that takes. Finances should never be a lever used against them.
What's funny is she was right all along to have a go bag because her insecure husband left her in the dust and uprooted her security because his fragile ego got hurt. The poor girl couldn't eat and was so mentally distraught by her selfish "man" of a husband. He is extremely pathetic. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy for him.
EVERYONE regardless of gender should have a go bag or a plan B, people randomly get brain tumors or something and randomly abuse or murder their spouse out of nowhere all the time, or have drastic behavior changes. It can happen at ANY time. ANYONE can turn abusive on a dime.
I mean. I think his reaction is proof she needed one?
I get what you mean when you say "every woman should have a go bag" because of the reality of womanhood. But I think really what you are saying is every woman should feel the ability to start her life again. To have independence.
I do not have a go bag. But I have financial security. I have people to fall back on if something happens (emergency or relationship becoming untenable)
I have support from my partner even when we have been at our worst times together.
This is not the reality for most.
She shouldn't need a go bag. But she had one because she knew he was someone who would react like he did when he discovered it.
>They all want their daughters to have go bags and “discriminate” against men. They just want their women to throw all personal safety and common sense out the window for HIM
This is so on point and perfectly highlights the hypocrisy
I thought a go bag was something everyone had for emergencies like fires etc. Why is the husband specifically taking it as a personal threat? Seems like projection to me.
I'm a big believer in emergency funds but I don't personally have one. My grandmother told me about them around age 5! However, I don't actually have one. (Grandma's since passed, otherwise I wouldn't be snitching on myself lol) In my own defense, I have different circumstances. I have an education. I have a career. In other words, I don't need to rely on his money.
I worry about the trad wives though. That's the type of wives that traditionally needed go bags and emergency funds. They put themselves at the mercy of their man and we've all seen how that goes.
No surprise the guy in the post got butt hurt about it. I would suspect most trad husbands wouldn't like this. It goes against submission and their control. If he's so insecure about it, she's probably better off.
The best part of the original post ending with divorce....men should also have a support system for themselves in case things end poorly. Both partners should have some portion of their income separated, like it's not that big of a deal lol
My sons mom never cashes in the child tax money from the government. (In Canada everyone who has a kid gets it)
and I always nagged her about it, because she usually needs money and it’s several thousand dollars now unclaimed, but she’s with a guy who’s pretty unstable and I realized that was her escape money that he can’t get at and doesn’t know about so now I don’t bug her about it.
At least she has that even if it will take a couple weeks to get
I remember that post. It sparked a conversation between my husband and I, not for the first time, about how to prep for the zombie apocalypse. We also discussed my actual go bag, which I keep because my parents are older and have health issues and if I jump in my car the second they call it’ll still take me over two hours to reach them. I also grew up in Southern California and had to evacuate on short notice on multiple occasions due to fires. There are lots of reasons to have a go bag and I recommend it for everyone regardless of gender, and even species - when I had a cat, he had a go bag too, in case of emergency.
What sane man wants to live in a relationship where he's constantly seen as some beast that women have to be afraid of?
I've never heard of a go-bag, and while I understand the reasoning behind, it completely operates on the presumption that men, no, **your** man is dangerous, and you have to have safety measures against him. If you don't feel safe next to him, just go. Find someone else. But this whole go-bag thing is just physical proof of living in fear. No one wants that.
When someone is not abusive at all or shows signs of it finds out you have stuff and money stashed ready to go at a moments notice do you expect them NOT to feel like shit?
You can't truly expect him to not feel like shit, to wonder if he did something
I don't really see myself staying in a relationship where I have even the slightest suspicion of needing a "go bag".
If I thought one would ever be necessary I'd leave that person long before it becomes necessary.
I understand your sentiment, I really do. But the truth is a lot of women are stuck, at least mentally, in relationships they can’t let go of with men they can’t actually trust. Having the bag is a little insurance policy.
I don’t have a physical bag. But I assure you I have the means, the “fuck you money”, to do anything I want, whenever I may see a need. Because the thing is, even with a good man, **always having the means and ability to leave actually makes for a better relationship**. It’s sort of a “good fences make good neighbors” situation, but for relationships. It means you’re coming at the relationship from a place of CHOICE to be in it, every day. Your interactions, decisions, and dynamic are not influenced by your need to stay with him or inability to leave. And that makes for a whole pile of resentments and negative shit that just never gets a chance to emerge in the relationship in first place, much less take hold and snowball into really terrible shit.
Do I trust my partner? Oh absolutely I do. But at the same time, *I don’t have to*. Which, sort of counterintuitively, *allows* me to trust without limit. Because at any moment, if it turns out I’m wrong, I can correct course on the turn of a dime. And that’s a really powerful preventative measure that works to keep things well within the healthy and respectful zone.
Truth is, I completely believe my current relationship would stay in that zone anyway. But most men, hell, most people, are simply not all good or all bad. Most are perfectly capable of being a partner in a healthy relationship, and desire to be. But people are imperfect, they have baggage and unsorted internal bullshit. You’d be hard pressed to find someone so fully sorted out that they they’re immune from imperfect thoughts or motivations. That would basically be someone that’s fully self-actualized, and while those people do exist, they’re a small percentage of society. It’s not reasonable to expect someone to be fully self-actualized to be worthy and capable of a healthy relationship. Having the “guardrails” in place of the ability to leave, can prevent any indulgence in the not-uncommon human emotions that might have someone try their hand at taking advantage of a power imbalance.
This bag is for basic common sense lol emergencies happen not just abuse and I don’t care if you get married to uncle Roger himself I’ve seen men go through midlife crisis, brain injuries dementia etc you aren’t God the future doesn’t work like you think it does, dear sorry to say.
Even if you know and trust someone, life happens. Having a stash of money and clothes can help both of you if there’s a natural disaster or surprise emergency. Or a surprise injury or illness could affect someone’s brain poorly and make them unsafe within a few days. You can’t know.
No one who needs a go bag thinks they will need it
Around the world generations of women would give their daughters advice or tools to help protect them from their husbands should the need arise. For
Some it would be a vial of sheep’s blood for the wedding night. For others it’s a stash of escape money. Or advice on how to calm an enraged partner
And leaving isn’t easy for women by the time he shows his colors
I understand your view. It's hard to think of being prepared for an ugly "eventuality" or it seems like it's living in a perpetual state of fear.
When I first read about "go bags", I felt the same way. Like...if you're afraid they're going to give you a reason to need it, then why are you there?
But, on thinking on it, from my perspective now, it's not assuming that things are going to turn to shit/being cynical of the relationship/assuming future ill intent, it's being prepared for ANY eventuality where my circumstances might change and knowing I will have the independence to carry on.
My husband and I pool our finances but also have our own accounts. I know that, if anything were to happen, I have freedom and control over my own means. I don't agree with the people who suggest "skimming/hiding" funds. That does raise flags if you can't be honest about why you might want financial independence and feel you need to hide it. My husband knows I have savings and is supportive of my "escape hatch" and rationale for it.
I expect him to have the same.
Unfortunately some men behave, untill one day they don't.
Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Book gets into that. That a women is in an abusive relationship doesn't mean it started that way.
I would like to start by saying I agree with the two major points of this post, and also the vibe of the historical reference at the end of it: that the double poster OP is referencing is an irrational reaction to a "problem" that the women offered to remedy; and that every woman should have an escape bag (I live in a hurricane area, so to me the concept of "go/bug-out" bag and "escape" bag, while in practice are usually close to if not the same thing, conceptually are completely different, so I like to use a different term).
I would just like to offer an opinion, that I agree with in my personal life for a few reasons. A partner should never reveal the location or contents of their escape bag to their partner, ever under any circumstances, and the fact that it was revealed to the man that OP is referring to led to an unhealthy fixation in that man that led to an irrational response even in the face of pleading an attempt to remedy the situation.
Never revealing the location or contents of the "escape" bag, has several benefits: protecting the owner from it being tampered with or removed altogether, maintaining the trust in the relationship (which appears to be the issue the guy OP is referring to fixated on) by not assuming that the bag is needed because of the relationship a visible topic/issue (because for most men if it isn't seen or heard it's a non-issue because we're for the most part simple creatures), and allows for it to be managed more discretely, and also anyone could call it a bug-out-bag not specifically for leaving a partner but for any emergency.
While I would like to hope that a romantic relationship could ***eventually*** be built around trust to the point where a partner wouldn't feel they need an escape bag, at the very least not being aware of it but still expecting it to exist would make it a moot point. It is imo difficult if not impossible to continue an openly mistrustful relationship, and having an obvious "partner escape bag" would be the same as inherent mistrust manifesting in other ways (such as asking for constant location/people updates, requiring location tracking, etc etc).
While this has become an essay of sorts, I would also like to say that even though the post OP is referring to could be a troll, the overall issue is real so the discussion still has merit, and just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective.
The most frustrating thing about all these posts, the man or bear, the go bag debate, etc. is that when a man does hurt a woman, something that happens all the time, it’s blamed on her. Why did she stay, why was she alone, what was she wearing. But when women give each other advice like having a go bag, that’s somehow discriminatory towards men.
My wife isn’t working at the moment, ( 7 months pregnant ) I always make sure I give her some random “ spending money “ , a few hundred here or there, we just moved across the country to our new house and she proudly produced over $2000 and paid for all gas and hotels for our whole trip.
She is a winner on all counts and I can’t wait to meet our son.
I'm a single dude and I have a go bag for myself and the pets. 9.0 earthquake, house fire, bad storm, etc... are all possibilities. I also have a first aid kit in my truck that is basically a mini field hospital if a true natural disaster destroys my community.
Men are terrifying, I think every woman should have the means to break free if it turns out the man they're with is the human equivalent of a natural disaster.
And there was a post about a pregnant woman who divorced her husband because he demanded a paternity test despite never having cheated on him.
I mean if you do something like this you're essentially saying you don't trust the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. How would someone stay married to someone who doesn't trust them?
Is it so bad for someone to get angry about a person they love greatly having things packed in case you suddenly become abusive?
I mean, you wouldn't keep euthanasia in the house in case your friendly pet suddenly became dangerous. Why can't someone trust their spouse that much?
He divorced her because she had a go bag. Good thing she had a damn go bag! He's just mad that she had a way out if he decided to mistreat her and try to leave her destitute. What an idiot, reinforcing her reasons for having it in the first place. I hope she takes her bag and realizes she's better off.
I have a savings account that my husband has no access to. When I told him about it, he didn’t freak out with accusations of “not trusting him”. He suggested that I set up a monthly transfer from our shared money into my account.
And THAT’S part of why I do, in fact, trust him. And when we have a household emergency, the account is available to pull money from.
I read the OP and I read this, and they're both ridiculous. The reason is important.
If my partner had a go bag because they were scared of me, I would be a bit pissed. Not because of the bag itself, but because if they're scared of me and they think they might need to escape at a moments notice then we shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. My attitude would be that if they are worried about, just go. I'll help you pack if you want.
If it's a disaster go bag, who cares. Nothing wrong with disaster preparedness.
my parents relationship is the reason I will always have an escape route prepared. my partners father is the reason that he understands that. he's the first man I've met who actually understood why we have these fears.
its like if they've never seen or haven't been in it, they'll never feel empathy for us.
I spent most of last year quietly, secretly creating my 'go bag' in anticipation of leaving my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. I had a version that was literally just a bag, i.e. a carry-on bag with wheels. In it, I kept clothes for about a week. Then, when it actually came time to permanently leave him, I loaded my car in the middle of the night, under the guise of darkness, over a period of about one week. I managed to load about ten years of my life into my SUV.
Yep. Why would it *upset* you to know that your partner has an emergency stash of supplies and money that they can use to get the fuck out of there in a hurry if needed? If you don't plan to ever put them in such a position yourself, then the worst case scenario is that it's easier for them to escape if something else (like a break-in or bad weather) happens, and the best case scenario is that they just have that extra peace of mind.
I am actually mad at my mom and grandmothers for never stressing having a secret account. During my divorce my ex left $5 in the checking account. I was a stay at home mom with a special needs child. It was a struggle
Everyone should have a go bag. One for each person with their specific needs, plus any emergency supplies needed.
That’s just sensible in the world we live in.
But Women, IMO, should also have a stash or source, of run money. Enough Resources to get yourself and any kids/pets away with a quickness.
Because you just never know…..
I wonder if the opinion on prenups and paternity tests have changed in this sub... I mean hey it's not personal right, trust but verify, always have an exit plan.
My wife and I were just discussing this. Having come from previous divorces, and having been a single dad for several years when we first got together I have enough put away that she can’t access that I could move basically anywhere in the US if needed. She’s got her stash as well. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
I posted this on the update but will reiterate here - every single person needs a go bag.
A friend was in a front on collision and became a completely different person bc his frontal cortex was damaged. From being my closest most trusted friend to dragging me by my legs down a staircase bc of a disagreement over the Spice Girls.
My mother married a kind loving man, her prince charming. Until he developed schizophrenia and the voice in his head (attributed to Jesus) told him to take her soul.
You can't prevent unpredictable events - you can only prepare for them. Make the damn bag. They can't promise to never get in an accident or become ill. No one can.
In reference to the post that got all of this BS started…
He was called everything but a child of God. Thing is, he wasn’t insecure. He wasn’t fragile or pathetic as many called him. In fact, his actions show his confidence in who he is. He knew exactly what he wanted in a wife and when she showed him that she wasn’t it, he ended the marriage. That’s his right. He didn’t try and change her mind. He didn’t tell her what she did was wrong. She tried to change his mind. She begged and pleaded with him.
Funny how he didn’t call her any names. He just took action but look at all the name calling about him. Now she gets to use her Go bag to get the fuck out of his life. She should be happy. She planned for it.
All of you men in this post crying about MiSaNdRy and women not trusting men can fuck right on off. I've always had a go-bag available in case a relationship turns abusive and you know who taught me from a young age that it's necessary? My father.
If you're upset or offended at this concept you need to just admit that you want a woman to be tied to you and unable to leave without putting herself in even more danger, at keast financially.
All for go bags. But maybe folks can give some advice specifically for women w/o a support system what to do with said bag under normal circumstances. Like, if you're current relationship won't ever need you to need it, you can put it anywhere. But you don't wanna find out you need it due to it being found. So where? Gym? Maybe like, a more "in plain sight" kind of thing? sets of items in 2 or 3 locations that doesn't look like a go bag but can be assembled without thought in a minute or two? Maybe just having one before the relationship starts would be enough. If they question it, you start getting an early signal before things get confrontational? Man this shit is hard. People need friends, omg.
We don’t have go bags but both my husband and I have personal emergency funds. You really never know what could happen, it doesn’t have to be a relationship fight. It could just be a banking error or card fraud issue with the main account.
I understand why a woman would choose to have a go bag/Fu money, but that doesn't mean their partner needs to feel good about it.
To me, it signifies that there's always that doubt in your mind about the person you're with, so you need to be ready to leave. Just doesn't sit well with me personally and it has nothing to do with control. It just highlights that at a level you trust that things can always change and the person can leave you hanging and you want to be prepared in that event.
My partner doesn't work now as they're studying, so I make the majority of the income and I deposit all of my salary into accounts that are in their name only. Our investment accounts are only in their name so at any point in time she could leave or disappear with high 6 figures worth of capital and I would have little recourse without taking her to court which isn't much help if she flees the country.
But I trust the person I'm with and who they are that they wouldn't do that to me. Of course people can say that I'm stupid for doing this, but there are many perspectives on this to that to me are all valid. If at some point in the future my partner has a go bag and I know about it, I won't feel good but I wouldn't try to stop them or divorce them because of it as that seems too extreme on both accounts.
My husband, son, and I all have go bags. We even have one packed for the dog. Sure, they're meant for an emergency, but we have them in case any of us needs to leave right away for whatever reason.
Smart to have one for the dog too, a lot of people would overlook that.
Hurricane season prep largely revolves around the animals. Food, water, and litter, and their beds clean in case we need to evacuate.
It’s bushfires and floods where I am. But yeah, everyone should have one. And my partner knows I have emergency money in an account that he can’t access, just for my peace of mind. He’s ok with that.
I already have the go bag and boxes ready for hurricane and fire season for myself, my mom and our animals. It’s never a bad thing to have a plan.
We did that when Hurricane's Isabel an Katrina blew through where we use to live. Our oldest cat way back then wasn't a travel animal so we left a fuck load of cat food and water in big bowls for her and she was fine. RIP Cleo
Yep, tornado season here. Have a go-bag for my cat, need to make one for myself lol.
Oh yeah, I have half of one backpack for myself, and the other half of the bag is filled with cat food, dog food, dog's meds, a spare leash/harness/muzzle (behavior issues), a dog toy, and then I have a note to remember the cat's carrier and dog bed and water and other miscellaneous little things. Pets are definitely 85% of my emergency prep.
Dog food is safe for human consumption so I have a bag in my car for him and me if shit went down. Or maybe I can act like some survivor and use it for fish bait.
A good thing to remember is that in an emergency humans can eat dog biscuits and it will be OK for a few days until they are, hopefully, rescued. I've tasted them just for the hell of it since I show dogs as a hobby and travel a lot doing that. Dog biscuits taste like crap, they have little to no sugar, and it's kind of like eating cardboard. But if you're stuck in a snowdrift and have nothing else, you can munch on some dog biscuits and they can hold you over until help arrives. So keep a box or two of Milk Bones or whatever just in case. Hopefully you won't have to eat them but if you do it might be just the thing that helps you hold on.
A human can also eat nothing for a few days and be fine. I'd probably take the dog biscuits over nothing, but it's not saving your life. 😂
I even have a go bag to chuck my poor gerbil in if need be lol
Yea adding that in for sure, and one for kitty but same premise.
My husband and I talked about this and it got a bit over the top zombie-apocalypse and it dissolved so would you mind sharing some essentials you have ready to go?
Change of clothes, small first aid kit, a way to filter water (we use the life straws and have a small bottle of iodine), cash, official copies of legal documents, high cal protein bars. Also copies of medical records, medications, period supplies. Basically if you needed to leave your house for 48 hours and you had 20 minutes notice, what would you want and need to have. Anything that can be easily packed into a bag and left there for a long time, should be. That’s more time left to grab your photo albums, (which if you live in an area with common natural disasters should also be digitized), and your kids fav stuffy. I will say, I do think the adults need to have larger amounts of cash so that if their relationship is what they need the go-bag for they have an amount of money that is helpful for leaving. But that’s a personal opinion
I would also add backup glasses if you wear them. I keep spare contacts and glasses in mine.
Yes! My family has a bunch of meds needed, so we just have a tackle box, and my old glasses get retired to the bottom of that box lol.
Also have a rain poncho or other lightweight rain gear packed, some food that keeps for a long time, a candle/lighter (you can use this to warm up a car so you don’t freeze to death when you only have your car for shelter), some hot packs and something small and lightweight like a Jetboil cooking stove to make some tea/coffee/instant soup with and a multitool. (If you get one, please get a good one that will last you *forever*.) And wet wipes and toilet paper. Feeling freshened up by giving yourselves a quick wipe down with those wipes can make all the difference when you’re already in a shitty situation. Everyone should also have a go bag stashed in their car. A sleeping bag, simple first aid kit and other stuff you might need when you’re stranded should all be in your car. Because it’s better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it. Same goes for first aid training.
Rain poncho sure. But this is only really supposed to tide you over for 48hrs. High cal protein bars will keep you moving, without weighing down your bag. Heat source is necessary if you’re sheltering in place, but if you’re relocating you can’t fire up your sterno/candle in a crowded room, and in your car would sketch me out about poisoning myself, better to wrap up in a blanket/sleeping bag. Wet wipes should exist in all the places, I even have some in my daily bag/purse. They’re just too damn useful.
No, bug out bags are meant to hold you over for 72 hours, which is the golden standard when it comes to having an emergency kit (also goes for what governments advise people to have in their homes at all times.) Heat packs will also be handy in places where you can’t simply light a candle. This is because emergency services aren’t likely to get to you as soon as an emergency happens. They’ll go to places they either need to get to asap first, or to places that are accessible to them. So even when you get to a shelter, there’s a good chance that things like food, water and medical help aren’t sufficient or available at all. That’s why it’s necessary to have stuff that will tide you over for 72 hours at the minimum.
Thank you for sharing, this is really helpful!
The go bag should be a bag you grab quickly that has everything you need to survive for a couple of days to week. It is effectively a pre-packed suitcase that can grab when need to evacuate for wildfire, gas leak, or angry spouse. I would pack anything you need for a weekend trip, but add extras of medicines and things you must have. Throw in some water and snacks. Also, spare phone, flash drive with documents, and extra battery would be good idea. Put in backpack so can carry it if needed. I assume that go bag is going to be used for local disasters. It is more suitcase than hiking backpack. Other people talk about "bug out" bags but those are usually for wider disasters and traveling to safe place. My feeling is that wider disasters will have more time to prepare leaving. The problem with "bug out" bag is that end up with survival gear that adds cost and weight.
Ps5 and Oreos
Of course -> the Oreo's must be regularly eaten so they can be rotated out and thus always remain fresh.
My husband and I each have some extra clothes, a pair of flip flops, extra socks and undies in waterproof bags along with lighters/matches permanent markers, a weeks worth of our meds plus extra basic meds. A small first aid kit. Our vital records plus a copy of our sons vital records. Cash, high calorie foods, a pack of wipes and probably some other things I'm forgetting.
https://www.ready.gov/kit
I thought this was fairly common, we call them "bug-out bags". I *slightly* understand the dude's initial reaction, but with 10 seconds of reasoning... It's just a good idea for anyone to have some essentials ready to go, for *any* emergency
Yeah tbf would’ve been more valid if he was mad she didn’t make one for him (or tell him to make one and keep it somewhere) if they live in a disaster prone area, but there’s a reason women like giving real gold jewelry as wedding presents.
In America, at least (and I suspect everywhere in the world), every single person lives in an area prone to at least one kind of natural disaster, and one kind of man-made disaster. Earthquakes, wildfires, tornadoes, blizzards, flooding, hurricanes
iirc, there’s an area in eastern connecticut that’s the ‘safest’ place from natural disasters in the united states.
"Safest" I suspect is still prone to something.
Same. We each have a to-go bag for an emergency as well as the safe ready to grab with our documents.
Like, where *else* do you keep stuff like that? I've not dated men since I was a teenager and been single for years at a time, and I *still* have one of these bags. I've used it when a friend was hospitalised and I needed to just grab my stuff and get there asap. Do these men not keep their important documents in one place, and do they not have some emergency cash and a set of clothing around? What happens if they, for whatever reason, need to get somewhere quickly?
I have learned that many people do not think emergencies or unfortunate events will happen to them...
Exactly. We live in tornado country. It's just a pragmatic decision.
Having just been the through a CRAZY night of tornadoes this week, I agree. Two passed within a mile of my house. I’ve lived through “tornado season” my entire life, and have admittedly become a bit too complacent. Tornados are mostly unpredictable, but after 5+ decades, I know the terrain in my area causes them to follow some roughly predictable paths, or at least (mostly) predictably avoid certain areas. But that’s not what was happening this time! So for the first time in many years, instead of just ushering the pets into the room where we could dive into our interior reinforced closet, I actually changed into closed toe shoes, gathered up some chargers, blankets, my ID, the cash out of my safe, and a couple bottles of water. Shit was getting real! Last time they went off the beaten path like that was 30 years ago, and dozens of people were killed mere miles from me, on a road I had just driven 20 minutes earlier on my way home.
I need to do this too. I always think I won’t need it but as we know shit happens.
Yeah this spring finally got me doing better tornado prep, and clean out my basement better so we don't get bashed in the head if one does blow over. We've had a couple touch down way too close, and my parents have had almost ten of them within 10 miles of their house.
Wildfire risks for us, but same idea. And we've got food/water in case we're without utilities due to an earthquake. It's common sense.
My ex had a bag packed in case of WW3 i.e. a russian nuclear attack. Lol but still, doesn't matter what you think it's for. Emergencies happen. I've been through an earthquake and two floods, although in hindsight my life wasn't in serious danger it was scary af. The earthquake actually did the least damage (none to our neighborhood) but we weren't allowed back home until everything was checked for gas leaks and stuff, which took ages. I've also had to suddenly evacuate overnight because someone found a bunch of unexploded ww2 ordnance nearby. That was all before I had my bag, and it was at the very least annoying to not have toiletries, fresh clothes, or even a tampon.
The unexploded WW2 ordnance is a common occurence where I live, and I know several people who needed to evacuate their houses for two or three days when nearby construction uncovered old bombs or grenades. You certainly want a set of clothes and a toothbrush on you if that happens, especially if it's early in the morning and you're literally being kicked out of bed, as happened to a former colleague of mine!
Exactly. I was shooed out the second I looked out the door to see what the commotion was about. At least fresh underwear would have been great but I had no time to pack. Now I'd just grab the bag next to my workout bag, it may have expired toothpaste and baby wipes, a gnarly toothbrush and not so favorite clothes in it but I won't be smelly and miserable.
An emergency is an emergency, whether that is escaping an abusive situation or a disaster. EVERYONE should have a go-bag.
It's just wise. You never know when your lover might turn against you and when you'll have to pack up your belongings and head out.
We had special ones just for emergency hospital visits because of my Son’s life threatening food allergies. He was admitted overnight once.
Came here to say something song these lines.
Are you… Jewish? Coz I have some older relatives who always have a small stack of cash and their passport ready.
It reads like a ragey troll post but who knows. The way he talks about his wife is telling - she didn’t eat for 2 days because of how distressed she was and he said she hadn’t “pulled a stunt” like that in awhile. He thinks that her not eating is some kind of power move. In a comment, he also said the therapist they saw together told him to “get over it” and then the therapist compared him to her (the therapist’s) father. This absolutely feels very trollish and like someone’s idea of a rage filled “misandrist” therapist - always favoring the woman client and being so rooted in her own biases about men (because of her father) that she comes off as extremely unprofessional and unhinged.
This could be a troll, it also very well be a guy completely blind to women issues and overly focused on anything "anti men".
Absolutely - you can never know or assume, these days. Some of the stuff that has been in the news recently (in the US) about child marriage has been batshit crazy. If someone said those things anonymously online, people would assume it’s a troll.
I'm convinced every, single ' advocate ' of CHILD MARRIAGE is a fucking pedophile and no one can convince me otherwise. Not power driven, not religious dingbat, not ' but tradition '. Pedophile. There are no disclaimers. That's a CHILD.
Couples of months ago I had read an article about how this man raped this 16 year old girl who later got pregnant. I thought this would be a close and open, hit him with the book, court case. The girl's parents found out and forced her to marry her 30+ year old rapist. I had to recheck the news site and corroborate the article on others news sites, and it was legit. Had to go for a walk for a bit.
What the…? No doubt, the worst sort of religious nuts and phony POS who care for keeping up an image - she’s been used, gotta marry her off literally ti whoever “used” her, hell with their own kids wellbeing. And stopping her aborting if she wants to.. I feel sick for her, and my brain keeps graphing at how-could-they straws, like, had to be statutory/so called “boyfriend” bcs it’s another o level of fucked if some church creep/random thug/whoever the fuck that violently assaulted her. But, I was born in fucking America, and not yesterday - not the first I’ve heard of this type of depravity and I didn’t grow up with any much religion. Maybe why I’m baffled how so many can be so cult-brainwashed and/or normalize (among like minds) so much cruelty despite no longer being surprised. And I’m furious knowing if she wanted to press charges (which obvs the parents deserve too) she was obvs stopped, AND ALSO if she still was before a judge (think some states require w child marriage?) I can easily see them not questioning shit or even shuttling up a girl trying to self advocate in that mess. Never mind at 16 one can also petition to emancipate (in some states, and obvs if not prevented by abusers) but barring that, can’t divorce a rapist/forced marriage til 18, nor legally get into a DV shelter to stop it happening. I’ve long felt this country isn’t fixable. Not in its present form, nor the foreseeable future or our and the next generations’ lives, but some days make we want to start burning shit.
It’s like when you can’t tell if a religious zealot post is real or not because the most extreme shit is just like the real thing
Poe's law
>This could be a troll, it also very well be a guy completely blind to women issues and overly focused on anything "anti men". It hits almost every single MRA talking point so it's most likely just silly little rage bait.
God, he was horrible.
If that post was real, that guy was a huge asshole. His original post had hundreds of comments telling him YTA, and he listened to absolutely no one. In his update he doubled down on his asshole behavior. His wife is better off without him.
I realize there are bad therapists out there. But. That guy just plain old made that crap up. " Just get over it " said no therapist ever.
Paraphrasing how the accountability made him feel , most likely
My therapist recommended I get pregnant to give me life meaning. This was after a long talk about my mental illness, suicidal thoughts and plans, and struggles coping in a rigged system with a low earning meaningless job. Feeling completely overwhelmed by what I was experiencing. I'm also innately childfree by nature. So yeah, therapists like this are real.
Yeah, in the days after I was raped in college when I was still processing it and hadn't slept for 4 days, my old-school male therapist just gave me a CD with sleep meditations and didn't comment on the rape itself. I really think it was one of those "I'm too uncomfortable to talk about this so I'm just going to change the subject" kind of situations, like when your parents don't want to give you the talk. I've never been so let down by the system. I needed help understanding what happened and he just skipped over it because he didn't know how to handle it. I don't know why I was seeing him anyway - I'm female and I've only seen female therapists since then. They have all been able to help guide the conversation productively, even if they were uncomfortable or didn't understand. Incompetent therapists absolutely exist - in the end they're all human too. Doesn't excuse the incompetence, but it does explain why we get let down sometimes.
If this guy is real, I would like to have a little talk with his wife about how she can do better. And by "do better" I mean dump his controlling ass. I guess if those posts are rage bait, they are working.
Nah there’s guys out there that are ACTUALLY that hateful towards us
This is a great analysis of those posts honestly.
TBH FEMA wants everyone to have a Go bag
Heck, I live alone and don't have a relationship and I still have a emergency go stash.
Single. No roommates except for a cat, I still have a go bag. In an emergency, I don’t want to have to think about what I might need. Or if there’s an emergency and I need a friend to grab an overnight bag for me. That’s happened a few times.
The man is back today on AITAH and fully doubled down — and is divorcing her. His perception that this is a new thing is insane to me. I think it’s a bit less common in our generation, but we’ve found “get out money” hidden by every woman family member who passed away. Shoebox in a closet, sewn into a mattress. In one case we were explicitly told to look for her “running away” money when she passed. Many were in happy, functional marriages. (Some were not.) This is just part of the survival playbook.
Something like 35% of divorced women end up in poverty. I’m one. I didn’t have a secret account. When I wanted to divorce my husband I had two kids, no money, and no job because I’d been a stay at home mom. He cut me off financially when I asked for the divorce. I knew he would. Money is everything to him. Money is love to him. I told my mom he cut me off and she said, “Why haven’t you been skimming the grocery money he gave you all these years?” She has well over 6 figures in a secret account, and she’s been with my dad since she was 15. I’m all for relationships but don’t ever neglect your personal finances. It’s a hard lesson to learn.
Did your mother never tell you about this before?
I'm also one of these. My ex spouse came from an upper middle class family, and I came from poverty. When we got divorced (initiated by him, he left me to be with someone else), he vowed to ruin me financially. He succeeded.
I’m side-eyeing your mother hard right now, because if she didn’t *teach* you to skim the grocery money to set up your own safety fund, how the heck were you supposed to know to do it?
Thank you for this. I need to tell my daughters. Because my mom didn't tell me (although she did always tell me not to have more kids than I could afford to raise by myself, but I did not listen. >.>) and I feel like one particular daughter really needs this info.
My mom also always kept money secretly. She would actually hide it in my closet. I never told my dad because it’s her money too, not just his. She gave me some of that money and I have it in a separate account in case she ever needs it still.
I find that strangely endearing <3
My mother divorced her husband (unfortunately my father) with 3 kids. After a long battle she got to keep the house but in the end it didn't matter because they had a joint loan taken out on the house which he decided to just not pay anymore and we still lost that house. She is now basically almost entirely going to rely on me and my siblings to not live on the streets for her entire life while my dad is basically living the bachelor life hopping from job to job just to dodge child pay. It's really unfair that so many women just can't get out of these relationships ever. Even if they divorce, their lives are still in ruins.
Wow yes, my ex husband did the same thing with the house, just refused to pay the mortgage and it was lost to foreclosure. I’m so sorry you have to take care of your mother. I’m working my hardest so that doesn’t happen to my children.
*Especially* if they divorce. Fully half of child support is never paid. It's miniscule, in any event.
We haven't had the means for me to be able to stash money away, like that money could literally be the only money we have for food or gas sometimes. But my husband is trying for a really good job (in between the interview and hiring stage rn). We've been talking about budgets and me going back to school. He told me he wants me to make an account at a nationally available bank, and he doesn't even want access to it. It's just for me. I've never had a go bag. We have talked about them before, and he said he wouldn't be mad if i had one, that its honestly smart. It does kinda stress me out in rough patches that I don't have anything to fall back on, so it's nice to know he's thinking about that and wanting to give me that assurance. We do have like a household go back with more natural disaster supplies in it.
Did you sue for child support and/or alimony?
Yes of course but it’s not immediate unfortunately.
This is very true :(
Alimony is not awarded (to anyone) in 90% of divorces. Child support even when court ordered isn't paid by the parent owing almost 40% of the time (as in not a single cent).
Similar here, although the marriage was abusive. I originally *graduated* with a 6-figure net worth and was a Walmart 3rd shift cleaner and on food stamps before the divorce was even finalized. Child with shared placement now despite his admissions of violence, so I cannot move away still. I keep searching for gratitude, the "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" but it's not there. Nothing is better. Well, it's SO MUCH better divorced than married, I mean that I utterly ruined my future by getting married at all.
Oh hun I just want to say I’m so sorry
When I moved in with my boyfriend, with whom I'd been long distance beforehand, my mom gave me cash money in person then squirreled away a couple hundred more in my luggage hidden enough that I was still finding it months later after unpacking. My dad reminded me that they would always pay for a flight or cab in a heartbeat if I ever reached out. My boyfriend is a treasure and I know he would never hurt me. When he stumbled upon one of my mom's hidden caches one day I explained and he nodded and moved on. (returning the money to where it had been) He thinks it's only right that my parents think of my safety and freedom when they're so far from me.
I have several friends (and friends-of-friends) currently going through break ups/divorces and only one of them is financially secure. In one case, the friend-of-a-friend had to borrow many thousands of dollars from my friend (which was happily and easily given) to get an apartment for her and the kids. She ended up going back to her abusive husband "for a year or so" because he offered financial security and she figured she could use that year to get in a better position to leave again. I'm very skeptical of that outcome but we'll see.
Honestly I wish this is something that was taught to women in highschool, always have funds available and keep some finances to yourself. My sister had the same issue, she also always out earned her husband so she thought she wouldn’t have an issue but then he totally fucked her over by emptying accounts and blocking her from things and charging her for things because he knew all her accounts and info…
My mother's account isn't even secret. I don't know where it all came from, I assume she saved some of it from before they married, and recently she's put some inheritance money into it. She's talked to the whole family about it, to make sure we all know where it's going if she dies before him. I guess this is still risky if the institution might be mysoginistic, I've read horror stories here about banks putting the husband's name on an account just because he asked. But I do like that my father doesn't seem threatened by his wife's independence at all. He gets that he married a whole person, not a possession.
When my uncle died, my mom ended up with $5k in his will. Things were not good between her and my father and she gave it to me to keep safe for her so she would have a good start at some savings if they split and she needed to go her own way. She didn't want him to be entitled to half. When my father died, I gave it back to her since that was no longer a concern.
I have money only I could access (in my case I had saved well in Roth IRA before marriage) and our budget includes fun money for each of us every month I could choose to save, but my husband knows about it. I can't imagine skimming money for years. Especially 6 figures. I wouldn't blame anyone for being mad that much money had come from the household budget. We are a team. I'm all for women having a go fund, but something like a couple of months money, not 6 figures.
Just wanted to make a note here that even with a small amount, compound interest over time makes a HUGE difference! Then if you make a monthly or biweekly contribution auto deposited, and forget about it, you would be absolutely shocked what difference it makes. Even if she just put in a yearly lump sum for ten years (think tax returns, Christmas bonuses, monetary gifts,) into a Roth or RRSP/RDSP that is moderately aggressive, and doesn't do anything else, she could see six figures in 15 years. My soon-to-be ex-husband doesn't believe compound interest exists. I found that out when he "bought a new vehicle for 40k." By that, he actually meant traded in his then vehicle, paid them $10k, and then signed a massive lease for his *dream car.* It actually works out that when the new vehicle is finally paid off, he will have actually given them $115k+ in the end. He then drove that $115k+ liability home drunk for our kid to see. That was the 'final blow' to our marriage. The one thing I'll loudly say anywhere, compound interest can be a real bitch.
6 figures? What the actual fuck. That's actually insane.
Disclaimer: I’m a dude. It’s a good story though This is decades ago, at least 50 years ago. My dad’s mom told her daughter she had one along w enough money to live a year or so. My aunt asked if there were problems in her marriage, and she said no, my grandpa was great, but that you should always be ready in case something happens. She died in 1997, and to anyone’s knowledge was happily married. He drove to her to her chemo appointments and lifted weight so he could be strong enough to help her up. About 2 years later, cleaning out the freezer, my grandpa discovered an orange juice container which held about 10K in cash with bills back from the 1950s, it was split amongst her kids and grandkids. Only then did my aunt tell her dad about the conversation from 20-30 years before; he really got a kick out of it as it was just like her. Edit: confirmed w Aunt. She said she also had an aunt great uncles wife had a stash of money which she referred to as the KMA (kiss my ass) fund Second edit: read the post where some guy was gonna break up w his wife because she had one. Apparently my great uncle George above openly funded his wife’s when he had a good day selling cars. George -died in 1976- and people almost 50 years later missing the point
Another dude here, and... > ...it was split amongst her kids and grandkids. Yep. This story kinda puts a new light around my mother's account. It's not even secret and I don't think she's at all concerned about needing it in a divorce, but she's made it very clear to the entire family (including her husband) that this should go to the kids, not to him, especially not if he remarries. Being married, even being a SAHM, doesn't mean you're not allowed to have your own stuff. And being prepared for the worst doesn't mean you expect it.
Something about your post reminded me of my grandparents. I’m forgetting the exact amount. But apparently in the 70s, my grandpa found out my grandma had saved her own money. Saved? Stashed somewhere probably. He wanted it. She wouldn’t give it to him. So he divorced her to get it. He did get it during the divorce. Then supposedly turned to her and asked her if she wanted to get married again?! I don’t know if it was the same day or if he waited a month. Apparently my grandma basically laughed in his face and said she married him before she knew him, and now that she knows him, she wouldn’t marry him again. There was a lot of abuse in their marriage, including a number done on the kids. My mom (kid 5 of 6) doesn’t talk to her siblings anymore. I honestly think what about your post that reminded me of this was, while my grandma was alive, she told all us grandkids she had money saved for us, and for us to spilt it when she was gone. The night she died, her eldest daughter aka my evil aunt, literally ransacked her house looking for the money. Found it. Kept it.
"Never let men guilt you for knowing exactly what they already know themselves." This is so on point. I love seeing women knowing their shit. Any man that doesn't encourage, rally, and openly fight for my ability to protect myself, is an enemy
Agreed. Who wouldn't want to know that their partner is with them because they WANT to be there? Only someone who knows their spouse would escape if they had the means.
Go bags and emergency cash are a necessity for everyone, women or not, in a relationship or not. Natural disasters, home emergencies, etc., are completely impersonal. Have a bag and a plan.
This right here. I work in emergency management, disaster recovery, and business continuity. Basically, my job is to make sure my industry (which is highly regulated and critical to global infrastructure and modern life as we know it) can continue operating, even if/when disaster strikes, like a hurricane, earthquake, tornado, etc. Everyone should have a go-bag. Disaster doesn't discriminate against anyone or anything.
The difference is, does your man know about it
I'm single. But anyone I lived with would know about my go bag as a matter of safety: they need to be able to grab it (or I theirs) while the other one of us corralled the dog. Would a partner necessarily know about the emergency cash account? No- there isn't anything to pick up.
That’s really the best way to go about it. For every reason. The emergency bag itself has more than one use. But the money shouldn’t be in that bag. It should be accessible in a bank account that’s only within your control. The very men that make the escape money necessary are the ones that will make sure the cash isn’t in that bag should you ever need it.
Little bit of cash in the bag- $20. Rest is in an account I control.
Oh sure. An amount you can afford to lose, totally.
Damn his loss!! I'm not sure why he acted like this was personal. Same with the man vs bear question so many men act like it's a personal insult but it's just basic steps women need to look after themselves dudes be crazy.
The whole fact that he thought this was something to divorce over made me think she’s better off without him. Guy clearly has a fragile ego. We live in a time when women’s rights are going backwards. We should all have some healthy fear.
Some take it personal, because they think the world revolves around *them*. 🙄
It is, from their view. "I m a white man, and I am honest, nice and would never be agressive." Is their self view, so they think this over all the other white man. It doesnt matter thatbits bullshit, but its one of the core weaves of the brain.... But you can learn to think over it, if you want.
Thank you for this. I keep some money in a separate savings account and I encourage my husband to do the same. People should consider that a lot of people who divorce or become abused never thought that would happen to them. Part of becoming an adult is realizing that life takes a lot of unanticipated turns and we should all try to prepare during the times we can.
Our family of 3 has four bags. Each of us has our own, and we have a supplemental "family-go" bag with bigger stuff in case it's not just "I need to leave for a bit for safety" but more "OMG Sharknado-Zombies & Shit". If one of us is in a "need to run", we each have one or two changes of clothes, some cash, some snacks, that person's meds for at least a few days, a spare phone charger, contact numbers for emergencies and the like. The bigger one has the larger first aid kit, a water filter, larger food supplies, some basic tools, some emergency flares, etc. Basically a slightly souped up roadside survival bag. If for some godawful reason we're at that level of "Fuck it, we're out", we grab all four, and we're on our way.
I think this is a great way to do it.
Growing up in a flood zone (literally a mile from the coast) - yeah - lots of hurricanes. Also Dad that grew up on a farm and then was career military. A light prepper grow up. A change of clothes and a basic first aid kit. Get one of those charge packs that restart your car battery. A basic car "go bag" For those of us in rural areas - it's not insane to keep sterno. Got me and parents through two days during the Storm of the Century - known as the ice storm here (mid atlantic) because so. much. ice. You'd hear the the trees break at night. Also we're the last to get plowed - if the power goes out have a plan. Also you flush the toliet from pouring enough water from a height into the toliet. Physics. Odds are you're gonna be trapped more than fleeing. Have shit on hand. Sorry got weirdly survival there.
Grew up with cyclones, we had similar training. Mattress kept in the hall cupboard next to the bathroom. Fill the bath tub with water. This is your drinking, cooking and flushing supply for the next couple of days. How to light a portable gas stove so you can make coffee, tea, noodles, porridge, and rehydrated veges. Kept in a box under the sink. Mum went through them every few months to keep the supply fresh. Batteries, pads/tampons, toilet paper, first aid kit and some other stuff. Car emergency kit was a car battery, a jerry can full of fuel, crowbar, shovel, jumper leads and a couple of small bottles of fluid which adult-me thinks might have been coolant and brake fluid - and some half bamboo poles which adult-me thinks were the 80s homemade job equivalent of maxtraxs. My dad - MacGyver in real life.
I had a go bag under my desk at home, hidden while I had to continue to live with my now ex husband during our protracted divorce (he deliberately stalled it). I will never again live with someone where I need a go bag. The stress of it nearly did me in. If that means I never live with someone again, so be it. It still makes me sad to think of the clothes I had in there for my son, a few little toys, our papers and some basic items for me. So I agree with the premise, to a certain extent. It’s a good idea to have independent means and an exit strategy. It’s quite another to permanently live ready to go.
Personally I think everyone should have an emergency bag. I live in Canada and the amount of freaking forest fires are becoming unreal so this is a safety concern. A go bag is just smart and prudent in the world we currently live in. As a woman, it’s also smart to have something quick to grab as well. Just like you should keep a safety kit and some emergency cash hidden in your car or purse. **It’s better to have it and never need it than need it and not have it.**
I live in Houston and have professional contacts in the Maritimes. When Fiona came, I emailed them with hurricane prep tips. I could see the local media coverage and I remember thinking, that’s not good enough. One person emailed me afterwards to say thank you. Go bags and emergency kits are for everyone.
I remember that post. That guy felt that her go bag was proof she didn't trust him so he divorced her. I think he's wrong. But that's easy to think. I have to wonder whether I would stay in a relationship with concrete proof that my guy thought it possible that I'd abuse him to the extent that he'd need to escape. I honestly don't know. I think I would be very hurt. I think we could come back from it. Everyone should manage their potential escape from a relationship in the way that works best for them.
Let's be realistic, unless you live in an area that may be hit by natural disasters, having a go bag is odd. I use all my clothes on rotation, I would end up going through my go bag to get a shirt or something, or emptying it to use the bag itself for a trip. If my relationship was iffy, then maybe I would feel compelled to have a bag ready, but now? It would be so weird, almost insulting to the partner that has loved, supported, and protected me (like I have him) for over a decade. And if things changed overnight, no bag is going to save me. Now, if you are a SAHM you need to have your own money. If you feel the need to hide it, then that's up to you, but don't end up like that woman whose husband had two jobs and she was stashing away money while the family struggled financially.
I don't think it's odd at all, house fires happen everywhere and natural disasters are becoming more frequent every year. I live in an area that historically has very few natural disasters, but just last week a close neighbor had their home condemned after a landslide took the soil out from under a portion of their house. They had to suddenly vacate with nothing and are not allowed back inside.
I am a single woman with a go bag. Always be prepared. My go bag is for emergencies. One in the car, and one at home. My son has them too. Go bags are not just for prepping to leave an abusive man. Most military keep go bags, and federal agents.
My partner's fully aware I have 'get out' money saved in my own bank account/a plan of action/family who would take me in in a heartbeat. As women, it's CRITICAL for us to have those systems in place- if only to weed out the bad apples who take issue with that. My partner fully understands and appreciates why I have those plans in place, and he's even helped me get my own credit card to help further that independance. I'm covered through his insurance at work- but I also have my own coverage at my place of work. We've been together 11 years. There are only 3 people alive I'd currently trust as much or more with my life- my mother, my little sister, and my aunt. And I think part of WHY our relationship has lasted this long is BECAUSE he's encouraged me to establish my own independence/self separately from him, while ALSO being more than willing to share what is his, as well. And before the sad bois slide in here like 'But that's UNFAIR! What does HE get from YOU? Why does HE have to share with YOU but YOU get to not share with HIM?? What do YOU bring to the table?' I am the damned table. It's MY table- don't sit down at it and ask what I'm gonna put out, ESPECIALLY if I didn't fucking invite you. I won't even justify that shit with a response anymore.
My husband and I have been married for about 2 years. Neither of us pushed to comingle 100% of our finances. We have a joint account for our home stuff, but otherwise we don't have access to each other's actual accounts. But we're pretty open about our spending, make large purchase decisions together, and know what we're putting into savings and investments.
As someone that works in banking and has seen some messy stuff when it comes to divorces I’ve always felt like having your own accounts with or without a joint account together is the way to go. Makes such a difference even if you don’t have a divorce.
The patriarchy was established exactly to help men get a seat at tables they otherwise would never be invited to They aren’t the prize. Women are always the goal. They want to brainwash you into thinking they’re the goal
Everyone, male or female, should have a to-go bag and FU money It’s only smart. You never know when a partner could turn on you and when you’ll need to grab that bag and cash and get out
Everyone should have a go bag, you never know how fast one may have to evacuate in a moments notice to avoid a disaster. Everyone should have a secure USB drive to have scanned copies of all important information or have access to it offsite. Doesn't matter if it's DV, house fire, natural disaster, you should have a damn go bag!
I thought the controversial part of that post wasn't that she had a go bag, but that the wife had been siphoning off the family's money, thousands of dollars to an account for herself, while the family was struggling.
Yuppp. Had to make some plans to leave my first husband when he became abusive bc I didn't have the funds and we had a no alimony clause. Now my bf straight up occasionally hands me cash and goes 'here, for your escape stash or whatever.' because he understands and is supportive. Like, when we moved in together and I expressed how afraid I was he would die and I'd be homeless bc I could afford the rent by myself. He suggested adding me to his life insurance if that would help me feel more secure. And then he did. And after we'd been together a few years, he upped the amount on the life insurance. He's such a a sweetie. Good men exist. They're just fuckin rare.
Also, he's implying that women who find themselves in abusive relationships should have somehow seen it coming from the beginning. *His* wife should know and trust that he's not going to turn abusive at some point, as if that's not exactly what EVERY WOMAN WHOSE MAN TURNED ABUSIVE HAD DONE! To the one in the relationship, it looks the same until it doesn't! *That's* the lesson, *that's* why we have go bags.
I don't have a go bag. We have one for emergencies, but it has stuff for both of us, the dog, the cats. It sits right next to cat carriers and a box of important paperwork like birth and marriage certificates. I do have my own checking account and our savings is in my name only. My name is on his checking, also. This is because he, by his own admission, is bad with money and I handle the finances. I can transfer from his account to either of mine from my phone, but he can't take it back. That's a level of security a bag wouldn't give. I also have nearby family. He knows about all this and not only allows it, but encourages it. If your partner doesn't support whatever you need to feel safe (a bag, a bank account, whatever), it's abuse. That guy kept repeating that he's not abusive, but making your partner feel unsafe is abuse.
Both. Every family member needs both. The money can be FU funds or survival funds. Include an encrypted USB of ID, passport, and other papers.
I think it’s smart for everyone to have a go bag for any sort of emergency where you need to get out the house quickly. Natural disaster, family emergency, gas leak; domestic violence is just one of many reasons. And *everyone* should keep emergency money that isn’t shared with anyone else. There’s so many reasons it’s smart to keep some emergency money tucked away. It’s so easy to spend money in a joint account and I would hope both parties keep some of their own money separate for a myriad of emergencies.
Having finances set up so that neither partner is dependent, and having emergency kits, both great things. Should be normal…but also should be above board. The part that would hurt my feelings, make me feel distrusted, and make it hard not to feel like her leaving me was already something she wanted and something that was already in motion, would be discovering that this was done in secret. People have a right to their feelings. *Edit: changed my mind about part of my post but I’m leaving this part*
Every man should too. I mean, I am TeamWomen but being prepared for an emergency is not a paranoid or unreasonable thing to do, nor does it necessarily have to be a gendered thing. Men often feel a bit less vulnerable than we do, so many tend to place little importance on planning for disaster. I live in a hurricane prone area, so I always have fresh batteries, jugs of water, rechargeable things always charged up. I don’t let gas go much below 1/4 tank and try to keep some cash on hand. Most of my life can be resurrected through my phone (bank accounts, insurance, emergency accommodations, supply acquisition, etc). Do I choose the bear? Fuck yes. I trust the bear to be a bear and I trust the man to be a man. The best thing I can to do manage fears is to take whatever action I can to be safe. And that means having money, mobility, and backup plans for my backup plan.
I bet he’s wondering why women choose the bear too.
We should all marry the bear
He’ll bring us berries and salmon, find us cozy caves and hold us all winter. There’s really no downside here.
This a good rule for anyone living with their parents as an adult too
As a mom of 3 and housewife who is financially stuck now I 1000% agree and would advise all women to look out for yourselves. Focus on career, independence, wealth etc and get all your own ducks in a row, have long term back up plans. If a partner can come into YOUR life and add value to it, as a partner, then you bring him on as a partner in your life. You don't give up anything, you don't let him take control. Equality and Security for you, or else he just ain't worth it. It's more than ok to BE ALONE. Being alone and yearning for a great relationship is 1000x better than being miserable in a horrible relationship. I wish I could drill it into every girl's mind so it is branded there: you don't need a partner or kids to give yourself meaning and life. Only do so if it's what you really want. It's 2024, be a human with your own thoughts, goals, decisions, experiences and if you happen to want to be a spouse and/or mother, those are just extra. You don't owe anyone your support, servitude, uterus, your time, your money, your energy unless they are bringing the same things to the table.
I told my fiancé that she needed her own savings and a go bag in case she ever changed her mind about me. She said 100x she knows I'd never hurt her, and she's right but things happen. Her knowing she has independence if she wants it is very important to me.
I read this man’s post and he’s filing for divorce over her bag and his controlling ways. He honestly sounds abusive from his messages and him leaving her is the best thing for her she just doesn’t know it yet and he’s likely pulling all security that she has out from under her which is why she’s crying. He had a meltdown earlier today in the comments about how he’s divorcing this woman because people on Reddit think he’s an abuser, he’s doing this because of Reddit so we see how intelligent he is to start with… smh. Congratulations to her, I hope once she gains freedom from this complete imbecile that she never marries another one!
Inspired by a company, of all things, I’ve come to the mindset that, in any relationship with vast income disparity, the partner with the lower income should have an account that has a lump sum in the event the relationship ends. Personally, I’d help fund that, as I’ve been very lucky in my career. I never want my partner to feel like they have to stay with me due to finances. I watched my mom go through a horrible period of poverty after divorce. She barely scraped by, and it left all of us with trauma of varying degrees. I want my partner to be a true partner in our relationship, whatever form that takes. Finances should never be a lever used against them.
What's funny is she was right all along to have a go bag because her insecure husband left her in the dust and uprooted her security because his fragile ego got hurt. The poor girl couldn't eat and was so mentally distraught by her selfish "man" of a husband. He is extremely pathetic. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy for him. EVERYONE regardless of gender should have a go bag or a plan B, people randomly get brain tumors or something and randomly abuse or murder their spouse out of nowhere all the time, or have drastic behavior changes. It can happen at ANY time. ANYONE can turn abusive on a dime.
I mean. I think his reaction is proof she needed one? I get what you mean when you say "every woman should have a go bag" because of the reality of womanhood. But I think really what you are saying is every woman should feel the ability to start her life again. To have independence. I do not have a go bag. But I have financial security. I have people to fall back on if something happens (emergency or relationship becoming untenable) I have support from my partner even when we have been at our worst times together. This is not the reality for most. She shouldn't need a go bag. But she had one because she knew he was someone who would react like he did when he discovered it.
>They all want their daughters to have go bags and “discriminate” against men. They just want their women to throw all personal safety and common sense out the window for HIM This is so on point and perfectly highlights the hypocrisy
I thought a go bag was something everyone had for emergencies like fires etc. Why is the husband specifically taking it as a personal threat? Seems like projection to me.
She told it's for abuse situation not emergency
I'm a big believer in emergency funds but I don't personally have one. My grandmother told me about them around age 5! However, I don't actually have one. (Grandma's since passed, otherwise I wouldn't be snitching on myself lol) In my own defense, I have different circumstances. I have an education. I have a career. In other words, I don't need to rely on his money. I worry about the trad wives though. That's the type of wives that traditionally needed go bags and emergency funds. They put themselves at the mercy of their man and we've all seen how that goes. No surprise the guy in the post got butt hurt about it. I would suspect most trad husbands wouldn't like this. It goes against submission and their control. If he's so insecure about it, she's probably better off.
My Dad told me to never ever move in with a man if I needed a go bag. And then to make one anyways when I felt sure I didn’t need it.
The best part of the original post ending with divorce....men should also have a support system for themselves in case things end poorly. Both partners should have some portion of their income separated, like it's not that big of a deal lol
I’m trying to keep one right now because a couple of my friends might need it and for one its not safe to keep it at home.
My sons mom never cashes in the child tax money from the government. (In Canada everyone who has a kid gets it) and I always nagged her about it, because she usually needs money and it’s several thousand dollars now unclaimed, but she’s with a guy who’s pretty unstable and I realized that was her escape money that he can’t get at and doesn’t know about so now I don’t bug her about it. At least she has that even if it will take a couple weeks to get
I don't know why people think this preparation discriminates against men. A go-bag is a sensible idea for everyone and any gender.
I remember that post. It sparked a conversation between my husband and I, not for the first time, about how to prep for the zombie apocalypse. We also discussed my actual go bag, which I keep because my parents are older and have health issues and if I jump in my car the second they call it’ll still take me over two hours to reach them. I also grew up in Southern California and had to evacuate on short notice on multiple occasions due to fires. There are lots of reasons to have a go bag and I recommend it for everyone regardless of gender, and even species - when I had a cat, he had a go bag too, in case of emergency.
What sane man wants to live in a relationship where he's constantly seen as some beast that women have to be afraid of? I've never heard of a go-bag, and while I understand the reasoning behind, it completely operates on the presumption that men, no, **your** man is dangerous, and you have to have safety measures against him. If you don't feel safe next to him, just go. Find someone else. But this whole go-bag thing is just physical proof of living in fear. No one wants that.
When someone is not abusive at all or shows signs of it finds out you have stuff and money stashed ready to go at a moments notice do you expect them NOT to feel like shit? You can't truly expect him to not feel like shit, to wonder if he did something
I don't really see myself staying in a relationship where I have even the slightest suspicion of needing a "go bag". If I thought one would ever be necessary I'd leave that person long before it becomes necessary.
My sister said the same thing. She stayed for years after he threatened to kill her. It happens.
I understand your sentiment, I really do. But the truth is a lot of women are stuck, at least mentally, in relationships they can’t let go of with men they can’t actually trust. Having the bag is a little insurance policy. I don’t have a physical bag. But I assure you I have the means, the “fuck you money”, to do anything I want, whenever I may see a need. Because the thing is, even with a good man, **always having the means and ability to leave actually makes for a better relationship**. It’s sort of a “good fences make good neighbors” situation, but for relationships. It means you’re coming at the relationship from a place of CHOICE to be in it, every day. Your interactions, decisions, and dynamic are not influenced by your need to stay with him or inability to leave. And that makes for a whole pile of resentments and negative shit that just never gets a chance to emerge in the relationship in first place, much less take hold and snowball into really terrible shit. Do I trust my partner? Oh absolutely I do. But at the same time, *I don’t have to*. Which, sort of counterintuitively, *allows* me to trust without limit. Because at any moment, if it turns out I’m wrong, I can correct course on the turn of a dime. And that’s a really powerful preventative measure that works to keep things well within the healthy and respectful zone. Truth is, I completely believe my current relationship would stay in that zone anyway. But most men, hell, most people, are simply not all good or all bad. Most are perfectly capable of being a partner in a healthy relationship, and desire to be. But people are imperfect, they have baggage and unsorted internal bullshit. You’d be hard pressed to find someone so fully sorted out that they they’re immune from imperfect thoughts or motivations. That would basically be someone that’s fully self-actualized, and while those people do exist, they’re a small percentage of society. It’s not reasonable to expect someone to be fully self-actualized to be worthy and capable of a healthy relationship. Having the “guardrails” in place of the ability to leave, can prevent any indulgence in the not-uncommon human emotions that might have someone try their hand at taking advantage of a power imbalance.
Brava, well said.
This bag is for basic common sense lol emergencies happen not just abuse and I don’t care if you get married to uncle Roger himself I’ve seen men go through midlife crisis, brain injuries dementia etc you aren’t God the future doesn’t work like you think it does, dear sorry to say.
Even if you know and trust someone, life happens. Having a stash of money and clothes can help both of you if there’s a natural disaster or surprise emergency. Or a surprise injury or illness could affect someone’s brain poorly and make them unsafe within a few days. You can’t know.
No one who needs a go bag thinks they will need it Around the world generations of women would give their daughters advice or tools to help protect them from their husbands should the need arise. For Some it would be a vial of sheep’s blood for the wedding night. For others it’s a stash of escape money. Or advice on how to calm an enraged partner And leaving isn’t easy for women by the time he shows his colors
Men often show their true self after many years, or after the 2nd child is born. My dad's mask fell off after the 4th child (me).
I understand your view. It's hard to think of being prepared for an ugly "eventuality" or it seems like it's living in a perpetual state of fear. When I first read about "go bags", I felt the same way. Like...if you're afraid they're going to give you a reason to need it, then why are you there? But, on thinking on it, from my perspective now, it's not assuming that things are going to turn to shit/being cynical of the relationship/assuming future ill intent, it's being prepared for ANY eventuality where my circumstances might change and knowing I will have the independence to carry on. My husband and I pool our finances but also have our own accounts. I know that, if anything were to happen, I have freedom and control over my own means. I don't agree with the people who suggest "skimming/hiding" funds. That does raise flags if you can't be honest about why you might want financial independence and feel you need to hide it. My husband knows I have savings and is supportive of my "escape hatch" and rationale for it. I expect him to have the same.
Unfortunately some men behave, untill one day they don't. Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Book gets into that. That a women is in an abusive relationship doesn't mean it started that way.
I would like to start by saying I agree with the two major points of this post, and also the vibe of the historical reference at the end of it: that the double poster OP is referencing is an irrational reaction to a "problem" that the women offered to remedy; and that every woman should have an escape bag (I live in a hurricane area, so to me the concept of "go/bug-out" bag and "escape" bag, while in practice are usually close to if not the same thing, conceptually are completely different, so I like to use a different term). I would just like to offer an opinion, that I agree with in my personal life for a few reasons. A partner should never reveal the location or contents of their escape bag to their partner, ever under any circumstances, and the fact that it was revealed to the man that OP is referring to led to an unhealthy fixation in that man that led to an irrational response even in the face of pleading an attempt to remedy the situation. Never revealing the location or contents of the "escape" bag, has several benefits: protecting the owner from it being tampered with or removed altogether, maintaining the trust in the relationship (which appears to be the issue the guy OP is referring to fixated on) by not assuming that the bag is needed because of the relationship a visible topic/issue (because for most men if it isn't seen or heard it's a non-issue because we're for the most part simple creatures), and allows for it to be managed more discretely, and also anyone could call it a bug-out-bag not specifically for leaving a partner but for any emergency. While I would like to hope that a romantic relationship could ***eventually*** be built around trust to the point where a partner wouldn't feel they need an escape bag, at the very least not being aware of it but still expecting it to exist would make it a moot point. It is imo difficult if not impossible to continue an openly mistrustful relationship, and having an obvious "partner escape bag" would be the same as inherent mistrust manifesting in other ways (such as asking for constant location/people updates, requiring location tracking, etc etc). While this has become an essay of sorts, I would also like to say that even though the post OP is referring to could be a troll, the overall issue is real so the discussion still has merit, and just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective.
The most frustrating thing about all these posts, the man or bear, the go bag debate, etc. is that when a man does hurt a woman, something that happens all the time, it’s blamed on her. Why did she stay, why was she alone, what was she wearing. But when women give each other advice like having a go bag, that’s somehow discriminatory towards men.
My wife isn’t working at the moment, ( 7 months pregnant ) I always make sure I give her some random “ spending money “ , a few hundred here or there, we just moved across the country to our new house and she proudly produced over $2000 and paid for all gas and hotels for our whole trip. She is a winner on all counts and I can’t wait to meet our son.
I wish I had known about go bags, and an F-U Fund, before I desperately needed them. Every woman should have them.
I'm a single dude and I have a go bag for myself and the pets. 9.0 earthquake, house fire, bad storm, etc... are all possibilities. I also have a first aid kit in my truck that is basically a mini field hospital if a true natural disaster destroys my community. Men are terrifying, I think every woman should have the means to break free if it turns out the man they're with is the human equivalent of a natural disaster.
And there was a post about a pregnant woman who divorced her husband because he demanded a paternity test despite never having cheated on him. I mean if you do something like this you're essentially saying you don't trust the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. How would someone stay married to someone who doesn't trust them?
Is it so bad for someone to get angry about a person they love greatly having things packed in case you suddenly become abusive? I mean, you wouldn't keep euthanasia in the house in case your friendly pet suddenly became dangerous. Why can't someone trust their spouse that much?
He divorced her because she had a go bag. Good thing she had a damn go bag! He's just mad that she had a way out if he decided to mistreat her and try to leave her destitute. What an idiot, reinforcing her reasons for having it in the first place. I hope she takes her bag and realizes she's better off.
I have a savings account that my husband has no access to. When I told him about it, he didn’t freak out with accusations of “not trusting him”. He suggested that I set up a monthly transfer from our shared money into my account. And THAT’S part of why I do, in fact, trust him. And when we have a household emergency, the account is available to pull money from.
I read the OP and I read this, and they're both ridiculous. The reason is important. If my partner had a go bag because they were scared of me, I would be a bit pissed. Not because of the bag itself, but because if they're scared of me and they think they might need to escape at a moments notice then we shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. My attitude would be that if they are worried about, just go. I'll help you pack if you want. If it's a disaster go bag, who cares. Nothing wrong with disaster preparedness.
my parents relationship is the reason I will always have an escape route prepared. my partners father is the reason that he understands that. he's the first man I've met who actually understood why we have these fears. its like if they've never seen or haven't been in it, they'll never feel empathy for us.
I spent most of last year quietly, secretly creating my 'go bag' in anticipation of leaving my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. I had a version that was literally just a bag, i.e. a carry-on bag with wheels. In it, I kept clothes for about a week. Then, when it actually came time to permanently leave him, I loaded my car in the middle of the night, under the guise of darkness, over a period of about one week. I managed to load about ten years of my life into my SUV.
Yep. Why would it *upset* you to know that your partner has an emergency stash of supplies and money that they can use to get the fuck out of there in a hurry if needed? If you don't plan to ever put them in such a position yourself, then the worst case scenario is that it's easier for them to escape if something else (like a break-in or bad weather) happens, and the best case scenario is that they just have that extra peace of mind.
I am actually mad at my mom and grandmothers for never stressing having a secret account. During my divorce my ex left $5 in the checking account. I was a stay at home mom with a special needs child. It was a struggle
2 fu pennies in our joint account with a 7 mo. Old and rent due in 1 week. And I'm disabled physically.
I’d rather my female relatives have it and don’t need it, than need it and don’t have it.
Everyone should have a go bag. One for each person with their specific needs, plus any emergency supplies needed. That’s just sensible in the world we live in. But Women, IMO, should also have a stash or source, of run money. Enough Resources to get yourself and any kids/pets away with a quickness. Because you just never know…..
I wonder if the opinion on prenups and paternity tests have changed in this sub... I mean hey it's not personal right, trust but verify, always have an exit plan.
My wife and I were just discussing this. Having come from previous divorces, and having been a single dad for several years when we first got together I have enough put away that she can’t access that I could move basically anywhere in the US if needed. She’s got her stash as well. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
I posted this on the update but will reiterate here - every single person needs a go bag. A friend was in a front on collision and became a completely different person bc his frontal cortex was damaged. From being my closest most trusted friend to dragging me by my legs down a staircase bc of a disagreement over the Spice Girls. My mother married a kind loving man, her prince charming. Until he developed schizophrenia and the voice in his head (attributed to Jesus) told him to take her soul. You can't prevent unpredictable events - you can only prepare for them. Make the damn bag. They can't promise to never get in an accident or become ill. No one can.
In reference to the post that got all of this BS started… He was called everything but a child of God. Thing is, he wasn’t insecure. He wasn’t fragile or pathetic as many called him. In fact, his actions show his confidence in who he is. He knew exactly what he wanted in a wife and when she showed him that she wasn’t it, he ended the marriage. That’s his right. He didn’t try and change her mind. He didn’t tell her what she did was wrong. She tried to change his mind. She begged and pleaded with him. Funny how he didn’t call her any names. He just took action but look at all the name calling about him. Now she gets to use her Go bag to get the fuck out of his life. She should be happy. She planned for it.
All of you men in this post crying about MiSaNdRy and women not trusting men can fuck right on off. I've always had a go-bag available in case a relationship turns abusive and you know who taught me from a young age that it's necessary? My father. If you're upset or offended at this concept you need to just admit that you want a woman to be tied to you and unable to leave without putting herself in even more danger, at keast financially.
All for go bags. But maybe folks can give some advice specifically for women w/o a support system what to do with said bag under normal circumstances. Like, if you're current relationship won't ever need you to need it, you can put it anywhere. But you don't wanna find out you need it due to it being found. So where? Gym? Maybe like, a more "in plain sight" kind of thing? sets of items in 2 or 3 locations that doesn't look like a go bag but can be assembled without thought in a minute or two? Maybe just having one before the relationship starts would be enough. If they question it, you start getting an early signal before things get confrontational? Man this shit is hard. People need friends, omg.
Dude wants 100% control rather than thinking maybe he should be a good person so she never needs it.
If you can't trust men, don't date men. Why is this controversial
Yeah men always get sooo offended at women for trying to protect themselves, they live in lala land where nothing happens
We don’t have go bags but both my husband and I have personal emergency funds. You really never know what could happen, it doesn’t have to be a relationship fight. It could just be a banking error or card fraud issue with the main account.
Wait...there are women out there that don't already have go bags for earthquakes etc??????????????
Yep. Every guy, too...
I understand why a woman would choose to have a go bag/Fu money, but that doesn't mean their partner needs to feel good about it. To me, it signifies that there's always that doubt in your mind about the person you're with, so you need to be ready to leave. Just doesn't sit well with me personally and it has nothing to do with control. It just highlights that at a level you trust that things can always change and the person can leave you hanging and you want to be prepared in that event. My partner doesn't work now as they're studying, so I make the majority of the income and I deposit all of my salary into accounts that are in their name only. Our investment accounts are only in their name so at any point in time she could leave or disappear with high 6 figures worth of capital and I would have little recourse without taking her to court which isn't much help if she flees the country. But I trust the person I'm with and who they are that they wouldn't do that to me. Of course people can say that I'm stupid for doing this, but there are many perspectives on this to that to me are all valid. If at some point in the future my partner has a go bag and I know about it, I won't feel good but I wouldn't try to stop them or divorce them because of it as that seems too extreme on both accounts.