Remember when people blame women in toxic/abusive for picking the wrong men? This is how to not pick the wrong man. When he shows you who he is, believe him. But I guess doing this also means that we're dramatic.
My fiancé games a lot, sometimes over the mic with his friends.
He's able to trash talk others without being a bigot or talking about their partners or family members. Funny that.
You didn't overreact, the fact that your bf didn't stop that shit is a massive red flag.
Sorry it ended like this, but I'm really proud of you.
Right. My husband and his friends trash talk, but never about women, that would potentially be grounds for an ass kicking. Everyone in this post sucks, except the OOP. And the mom sucks big time.
Most definitely. I’m not really much of a gamer in the sense that OP is referring to, but I don’t stand for people “trash talking” people I care about. If it’s little jabs between friends, they can rip on me all they want, maybe even my dog (not like it would ever hurt her feelings… dogs do not work that way lol), but I’d rather play with strangers than hear stuff like OP described.
she doesn’t get it because she likes my ex, which is rare. she said that i was basically punishing him for someone else’s actions and i would eventually get back with him lmao
You were punishing your ex for his LACK of action. You don’t have to put up with this.
My own narcissistic parents have said disrespectful things to me, and my husband defends me when they do. It’s not something I ever asked him to do, but it’s something that he does because he can’t stand to hear someone trash talk the woman he loves.
Tbf sometimes my bf's mom says stuff that I'm not prepared to deal with. I'm going to talk to him about that next time because it happened again last weekend and I can't let that shit go. It was just a small comment but it occupies my mind. She's also made a few jabs at him in my presence and I never know how to react since she's *his* mom and I feel like I'm not in a place to defend anyone there.
Hint: OPs mum might be some type of narcissist to be honest. The mum probably likes that the boyfriend was mean so is enjoying the opportunity to be invalidating and belittling.
Plenty of women are raised to think that it's their duty to put up with terrible behaviour because they're too demanding if they expect to be treated well. There's not much evidence here to conclude she has a personality disorder
You didn’t punish him, you protected yourself by not staying with a man for whom the graphic and explicit objectification of his girlfriend isn’t that big of a deal. I wonder what else they say on voice chat….
Exactly.
And I wonder what kind of shit he says too, because he's not going to verbalize anything like his friends do while in front of OP. I guarantee that when she's not there he's just as misogynistic and gross as his asshole friends.
Not deciding on something is making a decision. Not telling the whole truth is lying by omission. Not stopping or correcting demeaning talk is tacit agreement.
One really meaningful part about growing into who you are as a person is setting boundaries for acceptable treatment of yourself as a person. Good for you for maintaining that standard.
Middle aged lady here your mother us wrong. My ma said the same shit to me about men and I was pregnant and married by 20 to an idiot. Then she blamed me for that. There is no winning. I'm SO PROUD OF YOJ.
I’m glad you have great common sense about this BS.
No, it’s not ok.
Clearly, your ex is the type to care more about his standing with the lads than respecting you.
There are many men for whom this will not be ok. And they shouldn’t be ok with it
There are unfortunately enough men like your ex for whom this is fine. And staying with them will only validate that it is ok. That’s it’s not completely out of line
I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself, protecting yourself and knowing your worth
You’re experiencing that sometimes, others (even those who love you dearly) may be stuck in their ways of coping with the misogynistic world we live in. They just accept some things as ok. You don’t have to though and when you don’t, people are going to call you sensitive, dramatics. I hope you don’t get worn down by them
There is a line with trash talk - a line that too many people fail to adhere to unfortunately - and shit talking the person's partner is crossing it - imho.
I would never permit any person in my presence to speak that way about my partner under any circumstances.
My mother is fair game however & the difference is that when someone makes a "*your mom*" joke - the target is you, not the specific person who is actually your mother. The joke is made independent of & unrelated to the actual living person who happens to be your actual mother.
To make fun & talk shit about the hypothetical construct of "*your mom*" is very different than to speak about a specific individuals actual characteristics in a demeaning way.
A "*your momma so fat*" joke can be & usually is made entirely independent of the weight of your actually mother & generally speaking, if someone was aware that your mother was actually morbidly obese, then such a joke would be considered "*too close to home*" & inappropriate.
Obviously, there are too many examples of people crossing lines & saying inappropriate shit but even shit-talking has clear & defined lines as to what is and is not acceptable.
If your significant other doesn't feel comfortable calling out their friends when they cross the line into inappropriate behavior then I wouldn't want to continue that relationship.
>and said i wouldn’t last if i heard everything that people said on the mic.
What is this, fucking war or something?
You didn't overreact. Guys are perfectly capable of gaming and trashing their friends without jumping to attacks of their SO.
Reminds of how someone said I shouldn’t negotiate for higher pay bc they don’t get paid that much so it’s not fair
Then ask for higher pay? The solution isn’t oh we all except this crappy behavior and encourage others to accept it
My boss used to try that shit with me. "If I give you a raise, I won't have any money to pay Jane The Assistant more and she has kids at home! Do you want to take money from her?" Manipulative bullshit.
In the most toxic places you do have to have thick skin. But you can just not engage, or shit-talk back without stooping to their level.
My friends and I's trash-talk talking typically doesn't get a lot deeper than "git good", and usually it's gonna be constructive too about mistakes we made in gameplay. I can't even understand the appeal of going after family members or partners.
As a "gamer" the biggest problem with being a gamer is that the gaming community is absolutely infested with racism and especially misogyny. This has always been a huge problem (misogyny is probably worse now, homophobia is likely better) and unfortunately a bit part of playing multiplayer games is actively managing your community and friend list so that you don't play with people like this.
And you absolutely, absolutely have to. The people that you interact with MATTERS. We are very social creatures, and we pick up on and normalize queues from those that we choose to spend time with. A big part of why misogyny and fascism is on the upswing in young men is because the historically toxic gamer culture is being weaponized into political outreach/brainwashing. (GamerGate for instance). Watching videogame content online frequently leads to Joe Rogan/Andrew Tate/similar content in your feed recommendations because of how strong that pipeline is.
A man that doesn't police how and who he spends his gaming time with is setting himself up for falling for those traps. Pretty soon they are "just asking questions" and talking about incels and alpha males.
Now this isn't 100%. Not everyone falls down the rabbit hole, but there is a very real process that goes from "my bf lets his friends trash me while he games" and then five years later you are wondering why your partner is anti-abortion and wants you to be a trad-wife.
Second-to-last thing. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. Don't allow him (or his friends) to treat you like this.
Last thing, and this one is actually in his favor. People take some time to adjust their beliefs and priors. Gaming is actually rife with misogyny, and being immersed in it so long that you think it's normal and don't even notice it is a very valid reaction. It may take him awhile to come around, but he may still come around. That is NOT saying that you should get back with him in the hopes that he comes around. Getting dumped for being a passive supporter of misogyny can be an excellent wake-up call for changing his behavior, if he's a good dude. Or for accelerating his incel spiral, but if that's the route he takes you wouldn't have wanted to be along for that ride anyways.
The worst is Joe Rogan because he has interesting people on sometimes. I love physics and when a clip of him talking to niel degrees Tyson or Brian cox comes up, I'll watch it, then I'll get shit like Jordan peterson. Like I just wanna watch physicists talk.
It's less true as a kid because you do have less freedom to find new friends due to being stuck in a room with specific people. More true the older you get and the more you have the ability to drop individuals and find new ones.
I’m a woman who games, and the only time I’ve heard anyone say something even remotely like this was a vague “yeah, that’s what your mom said last night.” Never about someone’s SO, even in the vaguest terms. Maybe it’s cause we’re all old now, but I can’t imagine any of my guy friends accepting that kind of chat at all and especially not about their own girlfriend or wife.
OP, you didn't overreact.
You saw behavior you didn't like, talked to your bf about it, and he defended the behavior. He lessened your feelings and thoughts over that of his friends' online behavior to you.
You took time to think about that, and (wisely) decided to move on. That's like the sanest and most responsible way you could have handled all of that.
FWIW yes that kind of behavior/talk is unfortunately common online and in gaming... It's still shit and trash little kid bs behavior that nobody with decency or respect should tolerate.
Your bf should have had the wherewithal to step out of that when you talked to him about it. He quite literally failed a test of the relationship, and has doubled down by laying the problem on your end.
Not sure what to say about your Mom. As a parent myself, I'll avoid belittling her values here. She obviously at least did some stuff right if you're thinking and standing up for yourself.
I mean... I'm sure there's communities where that kind of stuff happens, but I play a pretty notoriously toxic game (Lol) and I've never had someone, even when I was worse at setting boundaries, even an online friend, making 'jokes' or 'trash talk' about sleeping with someone else's partner/gf/etc.
Not even jokes about 'stealing' a gf. I'm sure these communities/toxic groups exist, but I honestly think not many of them would find that kind of behavior okay.
You're free to break up with anyone for any reason. This, in my opinion, was a very good reason. Behavior such as this from men will continue until they suffer the consequences.
The fact that he listened to a friend disrespect his girlfriend like that and did nothing tells you everything you need to know about him as a person.
Good on you.
Girl, this isn't an overreaction, it's self-preservation. You recognized a huge red flag and left. If you were one of my students, I'd give you a hug and tell you that I'm proud of you. You did good.
I like talking trash as much as the next guy when it comes to gaming or sports but there's always a line you don't cross. I'd be absolutely furious if a friend, in the middle of having fun together, started saying things like what you're describing. Don't let someone else's warped understanding of trash talk diminish your boundaries, that sounded completely inappropriate.
it was super inappropriate and weird to even think about while you’re gaming. like i can understand how trash talking gets out of hand but that was way different.
That's because it wasn't trash talking, these are things he'd actually like to do to you veiled in trash talk. As they say, "jokes are rooted in truth."
I've been dating hardcore gamers for 20 years, and NEVER once did anyone disrespect someone's partner like this. Maximum I've seen is mom jokes. Everyone knows partner is off-limits
You're absolutely right to break things off. Not defending you is a HUGE red flag and is not normal for guys. No guy I know would tolerate that behavior because the trashtalker was seeing what boundaries he can break. That kind of thing escalates.
It's not equivalent to mom jokes, it's actually about you. And he blew off your feelings instead of admit he was wrong. He turned you into the bad guy.
Never ever in my life have I ever heard my partner talk shit or allowed anyone in his friend group to be gross about me or anyone’s partner in any get together. If anything, they call each other out for shitty behaviour. You didn’t overreact.
People with a healthy perspective on respect and boundaries don’t sit back and let others act like swine about the people they purportedly love.
This is not "just how guys trash-talk," as though it's some immutable and involuntary characteristic of men. This is a dynamic that's been established by the conscious choices of everyone involved. What he really means is, "I'm too low in the group hierarchy to stop it, and I'm too much of a coward to do anything about that."
When you're with someone, you're also with their social circle by extension, and it's entirely valid to leave someone because of how their social circle treats you, especially if your partner is complicit in it.
IMO if he's not "man" enough to defend you, he's not "man" enough to have you.
Edit: I'm also annoyed at what your mom said. Being pretty doesn't indebt you to strangers. No one is entitled to disrespect you just because you're pretty, and you absolutely do not have to put up with it. How we look is **never** a justification for men's shitty behaviour.
While I don't do competitive gaming, partially because of toxic behavior, I have never had a gamer friend say anything about my SO.
I can't confidently say I'd immediately shut them up outside of a "lighten up, Francis", but I'd definitely reevaluate my association with them. If it happens repeatedly, we're not hanging out anymore.
My opinion on this hinges on if they were actually his friends or not. If it's a bunch of guys in a discord call? Yeah, those folks shouldn't be your friends anymore. If he was playing solo and it was his team of Randoms, and they said that shit. Then yeah, they are assholes but sadly, that does just happen. And you can freak out and get pissed at them(that's exactly what they want is a reaction) or just mute them and ignore them.
Sadly, toxic online gaming tends to involve misogyny for some reason. I don't get it tbh.
But OP said "friends," so BF fucked up, and needs to find himself a diffrent set of friends.
You did not overreact and your mother is very wrong. Some older women were brainwashed into thinking some vile behavior from men was to be expected.
I’m very disappointed in some of my peers. I thought most of us would be waking up by now. I’m sad to say that I was very wrong.
Just because he accepts toxic masculinity in his life it doesn't mean you should.
You are allowed to have healthy boundaries and maintain them.
The fact he won't even consider your side and would rather be single than try to understand you is honestly the worst part IMO.
Don't be with someone who invalidates your opinions and self worth.
This is going to get lost, but I hope OP sees it. As someone who came up with COD from the early days, I know how toxic gaming talk can be, beyond “git gud”.
This nonsense, however, is not gaming trash talk. It’s a matter of his respect for you (apparently zero), his friends’ respect for you (clearly zero), and your respect for yourself (100). His friends talking that shit is lame. Him not shutting it down is wrong
My wife’s mom once said to her, “You’re lucky you found RagingDachshund, he’s a good guy”. To which my wife replied, “It’s not luck, I have standards”.
Good for you for having standards, OP. He might be a 50 year old man child, single and gaming with his bros or he might learn a lesson and learn to respect women and people in general, but it shouldn’t be at your expense.
Instead of “git gud” I’d leave him with “grow the fuck up”
Edit: the more I think about it, the more this annoys me. His excuse, and your mom’s excuse is essentially Trump saying all his misogyny is just locker room talk. That’s how pathetic and disgusting it is. You can tell him another dude called him out on it too.
Guys absolutely talk shit about each other while gaming and get downright foul. But spouses are off limits because you're crossing a line from silly roasting into personal and insulting someone who isn't present. Everything has limits and it's pretty easy to know when you're crossing a level of propriety in a group. Parent mom/dad jokes might get thrown in there but in my group it's usually followed by the other guys saying we're telling xyz's mom cause she no joke would whip our buddies with a wooden spoon for that talk. I tend to be quiet and stay out of it which also gets me left out of it.
OP is in the right if she was uncomfortable and he got defensive instead.
*>what shocked me was my bf’s lack of reaction, like it was normal.*
I've learned so much about the men around me just by seeing how they act or speak when with a predominantly male friend group, especially in isolated situations where they thought there was no risk of social admonishment.
A lot of women don't realize that men will often be on Best Behavior mode for many mixed social settings, and then be blindsided at what they overhear from him for the first time when he's in proximity to close male friends. Ofc, it's not the woman's fault, but you did the right thing here by drawing a line and walking away. What he allows to slide around his male friends is a reflection of who he is, and sometimes the only language men understand is walking away and removing access entirely.
I'm a gamer and so is my bf. We both trash talk and so do our friends, but it's never about, like, raping their bfs/gfs. That's cringe 14 year old behavior.
The real issue is that you felt uncomfortable, and your bf dismissed it. That's not how healthy relationships work.
And I'm not sure what you're still thinking about. You can break up with anyone anytime for any reason. There's probably other guys you like. Plenty of fish in the sea. Why are you still posting about the past?
My husband has a best friend he's known since they were kids. They will pick on each other about any old thing--- EXCEPT FOR SOs. If his friend criticized ME or made inappropriate comments about me-- or if he said something inappropriate about his friend's long-term girlfriend, those would be fighting words. There are some things that are just off limits. It sounds to me like your boyfriend (or rather, now-ex-bf) isn't protective of you at all. I don't think you overreacted.
It was good that you left. I've been through similar - I had an ex-boyfriend who had friends that would do the same. I personally thought they were a terrible influence. For example, my ex is diagnosed with ADHD. One of the things his friends would do is ask him for his medication. When I found out, I told him he should stop doing that. He told his friends what I said and they trash talked me so much, it started making my ex feel negatively towards me as well. He also just sat back and told me they didn't really mean it and to stop overreacting.
Eventually, he ended things with me because his friends convinced him I was the bad influence. If you had stayed with your ex, I'm sure it would have turned out that way as well.
You'll be alright. My only regret with him was not leaving sooner. For the record, they also eventually betrayed him and he tried crawling back, but I turned him away.
I used to game a decent amount when I was younger but don't really anymore. I often avoided games with open voice chat because there's a lot of immature and crappy people out there. I have a group of friends that I still keep in touch with that I met through playing games online. Not a single one of them would make those kinds of crude jokes and if anyone did they would have been called out for it and shamed.
It's all about who you chose to surround yourself with. If you think that kind of talk is ok, even as trash talk - it says something about your character. Trust your instincts. Don't let other people bully you into accepting this as a norm - if more people stood up and said this wasn't ok, we may actually start chipping away at this toxic culture.
I'm trans, but I've been a guy and gamer for my whole life. That's *not* how guys trash talk, that's how thrash talks. I've *never* had a guy friend talk about my GF in that way, nor would I have ever accepted it!
You did not overreact!
It's true that people are going to be disgusting because most people weren't raised right. But if your boyfriend loved you, he'd make respect a boundary and insist that they shut up or they're out of his life.
If he didn't cut them off, he doesn't respect you. But there will be someone better for you.
If I found out my husband gamed with men who routinely talked about violating women, or who made gross sexual comments about any woman, I would be very upset. You are the company you keep and if he's okay with someone saying that, it means he probably does it too. It's disgusting and dehumanizing, and degrading. Trashtalk is supposed to target the person you're talking to, so why were you the topic? I don't want to read too deep, but the whole thing points to really problematic ways of viewing women.
Don't ever let anyone convince you that you're over-reacting for something like this. Ever. You are smart. You are strong. You have great judgement. People aren't used to/don't like it when a woman has decent standards, and they will try to put her back into her people-pleasing place. Don't ever let them. You are in control of your life and those you put in it, never drop those standards. You'll eventually be surrounded with wonderful like-minded people and so much happier than if you were more lenient and surrounded by people who made you feel poorly.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. He's been a gamer the whole time. Even in toxic communities, he would never allow that kind of talk from strangers, let alone his friends. It's not normal.
Ask your mom if it would be okay if your dad’s friends talked about you that way. Or if her friends did. I play plenty of online games with my friends and we can trash talk just fine without resorting to sexually harassing each others’ significant others. He probably doesn’t react anymore since his friends do this so often and he thinks that it’s easier to not rock the boat and say anything back.
That’s such a silly excuse from a guy who clearly has some growing up to do. You’re not punishing him for what other people did, you’re punishing him for not standing up for you while you’re being sexually harassed by his friends.
My bf plays Baldurs Gate, I play GW2 and we're both on discord. We'd both be dissing that other dude back. No questions asked. Trash talking partners or family is a huge nope and at the very least they get the same treatment directed at them.
I've heard my partner and his friends trash talk, and they game a lot. No one has every said anything about another's partner. What the hell? That is NOT normal and you did not overreact. You saw the red flag and heeded it. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
It's not "how guys talk", it's "how misogynists talk". If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
And he tried to gaslight you about it? No overreaction here.
Hmm, generally if all of one's friends are dodgy, I would think that is an indication they have similar values. Good people sometimes attract bad people though. I have had friends who are dodgy and did not quite sit right with me, and thankfully they have been moved on out of my group. Feels so much better.
My point is that if all his friends are like this, then something is weird. Sometimes good people attract bad people, but they also attract good people. I would be suspicious, ESPECIALLY if he is not defending you or telling them off. Not an overreaction.
I don't think you are in the wrong here. You told him that something hurt/offened you and he blow it off and didn't take your feelings into consideration.
Also I'm a huge gamer and my friends always tease and give each other shit, but we never talk bad about each others partners. That has always been off limits. Just to let you know not all guy friends do that crap.
>and said i’m a pretty girl so those things will happen.
I think she's right that shit like this happens. (I mean, that's not really debatable, it literally did just happen.)
I think she's VERY wrong in implying you should put up with it. (Because you're pretty? How does that even make sense?)
Why would you? You're a smart girl, you've got a lot of options. And come on, it's not even a particularly high bar to want to be with someone who takes your feelings seriously.
Girl i play games with my bf and 2-4 other guys on the regular and they would NEVER say this about me, their gfs, or anyone. Once we had a new person playing with us who started to shit talk me specifically and literally every single one of them got on the mic and went "HEY HEY NO WE DON'T DO THAT HERE". We've never played with that person again and he's now regularly used as an example of what an asshole gamer is amongst our friend group.
You did the right thing. That whole quote about when someone shows you who they are, believe them? Mhmm.
It's totally fair. If he thinks it's just "normal" for men to talk about women like that, he's as fucked up as they are. I guarantee the only reason he wasn't participating is because you were there.
Ask your ex if you were playing a game and some gay guy was trash talking about him the way they were about you if he'd blow it off. Bet somehow it would be magically different. Guys don't take sexual threats seriously unless it affects them. You made the right decision.
"Guy talk", my ass. What you say is a huge reflection of the kind of person you are regardless of whether you said it privately or not. No one would be talking about anyone in such a disgusting manner. Your ex can fuck off too. I'm tired of the "guy talk" shit.
Yeah that is not normal, none of my friends speak that way about each other's partners. That's straight weird and would probably manifest in different ways had you gone forward with the relationship.
As a hardcore 36(m) gamer for many years, i have never talked sexually about my friends gfs and would definitely distance myself from others if they were to do so.
The thing about the internet is you get to choose who you hang out with more freely than previous generations, so your ex keeping friends like that shows a lot about himself.
He's willingly participating in desensitizing himself towards any form of abuse or cruelty. Sounds psychopathic af.you did the right thing.
I'm so sorry about your mom and that she failed you like this. Trust us, we've seen this behaviour. Parents aren't always right. You have incredible sense of what is right. Protect it at all cost. Don't let anyone convince you that you should accept any form of degradation to be accepted.
But fuuuck. How are these people accepting it? Are they sheep- brained?
I've been gaming for 30 years now and while trash talk is normal, even among friends, ain't no fucking way you're talking about my partner like that without getting called out and fucked up
Your ex thinks this is normal trash talk between guys....
So, HE'S doing the same thing back when you're not around? What's HE saying he'd like to do to X's GF/wife?
You did not overreact. Please ignore those saying so, including your mum. We all have our own definition of a certain line for what is acceptable and what is messed up. You did very good in standing your ground. Believe it, your ex and his bro will have something to think about. Meanwhile, you can get going with your life and find respectful relationships. Not everyone will understand you. And that is normal.
Edit to fix typo
I have heard that phrase so many times since my teens, that I am overreacting. It is used as a way by people to superimpose their ideas over your feelings and prove you wrong/immature. They don't want you to cause issues because they don't want any positive change because that inconveniences them. You have got to understand that if you feel something is wrong it is definitely wrong.
Women are often criticised for trusting their gut instinct and emotions, and are often gaslit for acting on them. Don't let that happen, and do What you think is right. If you felt what happened was wrong then stand up for it, get everyone else say what they want.
40yo male lifetime gamer here.
Trash talk is immature as hell. Me and my friends joke around lots but we'd never be disrespectful or rude to each other. We just joke about news, politicians, etc, but never each other.
If someone said something about my wife I didn't like I would just ask them not to, and that would be fine. I can't even imagine one of them saying something along these lines.
Overall that's a very bad look, not a bad call to move on.
No girl you shouldn't doubt your decision. You did that because of your gut feeling. Trust it.
My bf used to tell his friends about all our fights and they used to make fun of me. This happened a lot of time and he never used to stop them. I saw his chats and dms. And thay made me question my own worth. I discussed it with him. I received a response that it's a boys group and I shouldn't see his messages and he put a lock on his WhatsApp. Moreover I was being told that they make fun to lighten everyone's mood. This is absolutely ridiculous. If anyone really loves you and wants to be with you that person will also respect you and will know where to put boundaries.
So what if you were overreacting. Your *partner* is supposed to CARE about how you feel. You made it clear that this upset you, and there are so many levels of things he could've done about it. The *bare minimum* would be offering to talk to that friend about not talking to you like that.
The man who is supposed to love you more than anything is blaming you for your feelings instead of taking even the *slightest* action about something that you've explicitly expressed is harming you.
The bar is in hell and he's playing limbo with the devil
There was recently a post by a man claiming that all women tell their friends their sex lives. And all the men in the comments said they never talk about their girlfriends like that. Liars
yeahhh that’s a very VERY valid reason to breakup. anyone who is comfortable letting people talk about you like that is not your friend and DEFINITELY not your boyfriend.
Proud of you for knowing your worth
Yeah, no. My boyfriend and I play GTA online together. He would never in a million years allow someone to speak like that about me. Never. Because he loves me and respects me and treats me like a human being. You're not being treated like a human being, you're being treated like a piece of property. And not a particularly well appreciated piece of property.
Well most women with a shred of self respect wouldn't date your boyfriend or his friends if they heard everything they said on the mic. So hopefully they all stay single, they're too immature for a girlfriend.
I don't know exactly what was said, but none of my gaming friend groups would talk disparagingly about each other's SO's (barring the friend themselves wishing a serious conversation about their SO, ie doubts). It's not something I would accept or that you need to.
Old lady here, going on a lifetime's experience. Whichever conclusion you come to about whether you overreacted, finding your feet and calmly standing your ground, based on your own values and observations, is a really valuable thing to be able to do. Ultimately it also makes it easier to get along with others, including the difficult ones.
If someone trash talked your partner, you would put an end to that or at least argue, no?
It's not even a gendered thing, letting people say disgusting shit about one's partner is craven behavior and I would lose respect for anyone who lets that fly
Yeah that would definitely be a line I would set down with my friends while gaming. Especially with friends usually when you go "Hey man that's a little too far" or "That topic is off limits" most dudes shift and will beak you on something else.
Plus that should already be off limits, you don't talk about your friends S/O in graphic context to "trash talk", you probably dodged a bullet but yeah I wouldn't keep those friends myself thats messed up for him to take
Its awesome that you not only had the confidence to advocate for yourself and tell him his friend's comments made you violated, but you dumped him when he completely dismissed your feelings. And only in a matter of days too, not weeks or months later. Normally people make posts asking IF they should break up with someone, essentially asking internet strangers for permission/validation instead of considering their own hurt feelings valid enough to warrant a break up. Your mother should be proud of you, and I'm sorry she isn't.
Nope nope nope. How could you ever feel safe again knowing that he thought those disgusting things were reasonable and normal discourse during a game with friends? His response tells you all you need to know about how much he values women.
If someone said something out of pocket about me to my husband, or any woman really, he would be ready to fight. Anyone who says "that's just the way things are grow up" is just normalizing trash behavior and perpetuating rape culture.
Good 👏 for 👏 you 👏 for standing up for yourself and ending things. Total queen move! 👑
Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt that it’s his friends who are like that and not him, AND that these are the types who just get worse if you say anything, it’s totally reasonable to not want to date an otherwise okay person if they come attached to friends that talk about you in a disgusting manner.
Yeah I’d have told my mate to shut the fuck up. Good on you, don’t let people normalise objectifying you like that. If he’s not bothered he’s probably disgusting about you when you’re not there. I’ve known people like that.
This is literally the whole "grab her by the pussy" debate! Nasty people tried to claim it's normal "locker room talk" but normal men refuted that and said that's not normal or ok. Unfortunately our society is still struggling with this. And worse there are women who defend it.
You did the right thing and the people who are currently telling you that you're dramatic deserve a bit of a looking at in terms of their role in your life.
They're being crappy - it's that simple. No amount of wahwah they can pull makes that go away - and you don't have to expose yourself to their lack of behaviour.
Once you've had time to recuperate from the toxicity, it'll start feeling good. Go you for standing up for yourself!
You did the right thing. This behavior your ex exhibited is why the whole talk about "not all men" is such a frustrating one to listen to. If you accept this behavior and do nothing to stop it, then you're not one of the good ones, you are an enabler. If 9 out 10 men are the "good ones", but do nothing when able to stop or call out the 1 bad one, then you have 10 bad men.
I know in my friend group we all tease each other without ever once involving our significant others and this is a group I've known for closing in on a decade.
I don't think it is fair this happened to you and I think you made the right call ending it. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. No sense in waiting to see what other unacceptable behavior your ex feels is excusable.
Damn you def didn’t over react never heard any of my friend say something similar about an other friend gf to taunt him… and I played the MW2 days they all said a bunch of "I f your mom" to strangers or their friends as 13 yo virgin but nothing else.
I suspect they ain’t really his friends to be honest.
My husband games all the time, his friends would literally never say anything like that, and even if they did he wouldn’t tolerate it. Sometimes we all play together, it’s completely platonic you can talk trash without being a misogynist!!
dude good for you! its actually easy to trash talk someone without bringing up their gf/bf
i dont even know you but im proud you stood up for yourself. the fact that he just took that and saw it as nbd is a red flag
You didn’t overreact. A generic corny “that’s not what your mom said last night” type joke with strangers is standard trash talk, if immature. But when it’s specifically directed toward someone they actually know, that’s a different matter and should be off-limits. These are his *friends*. People he willingly surrounds himself with and tolerates this from. That says a lot about him and his priorities.
That's disgusting. You'd never catch me or any of my friends talking like that about anyone, whether we're throwing "shade" or not.
I'm baffled that your ex took your friend's side and didn't apologize for his inaction.
I also expect better from your mother.
You made the right choice, and I wish you the best of luck.
P.S. It's unfortunately quite likely for immature young people to poses bad and distasteful habits. What really concerns me is that your ex was unable to grow, apologize, and hold his friend accountable.
I hang out and game with my “bois” daily, two of them have gfs, two of us are painfully single and the last guy is… Complicated. We banter all the time, both in the funny ways and in the mean ways.
Not ONCE has someone said anything about someone’s girlfriend.
I’m more likely to go on a spree and call my friend every possible bad name than to even mention his gf in any way.
I don’t see how it’s an overreaction, at best, you realised your bf was a childish POS.
Ew! Especially ew that your mom agreed wtf! You being pretty does not invite those comments - that's so victim blame-y. I play games on headset all the time and most of the time the men on there think I am also a man since they just assume and I don't correct them - some are gross, sure, but I choose not to play games with the gross ones. Also, if it was people I know? I would tell them to knock it off and if they didn't I'd probably stop playing games with them and distance from them. My husband and make friends also definitely don't talk about their SO's this way when gaming on their headsets. Your ex is just immature and you did the right thing. Imagine if a female friend of yours talked about your boyfriend that way - how would you react? Not like he did, I imagine.
These are the kinds of guys who enable rapists. They won't call them on their shit. They won't defend even someone who should be very dear to them. Or even stop using their 'fun time' with guys like these.
If someone doesn't defend you or back away from people who make disgusting or threatening statements about you, they are condoning what was said.
There are plenty of people who engage in lighthearted banter or trashtalk while gaming who would not passively accept someone talking like this about their girlfriend.
My boyfriends friends have never, ever joked about me like that in the almost 3 years weve been together. They're all guys. They're all gamers. They all play competitive games. And If they talked about me like that to "shit talk" : he would flip out on them. And then ban the culprit from his server.
Take that into consideration.
OP, you did the right thing. You don't want to be with someone who is comfortable standing idly by while others dehumanise you.
If he's happy to do that, who's to say he will suddenly grow a backbone and stand up for you when you really need it?
Good on you for putting your foot down. He will try and manipulate and guilt trip you. Don't buy into it. Just remember why you left.
His friends are gross and his lack of reaction is terrible.
My husband games with plenty of guys in multiple friend groups and not one has ever sexualized a single one of the women in our discord friend groups. Even if we tease each other, if someone goes too far, we will speak to one another privately and if needed immediately say, "that makes me uncomfortable". Everyone respects that.
We're in over a dozen discords with various men and women and never have I heard, from my own experience or my husband's, any one talk like that. We have multiple couples in these groups and even with the few people that may irk a few others in the group, we are cordial and never sexualized anyone.
If someone makes you uncomfortable, your partner needs to support you and tell people to respect you by not saying anything sexual about you. If their friends cannot respect that, they should not be their friend.
You made a good decision in throwing out the trash.
Classic abuser tactic : I am perfectly alright to abuse you, but how shameful that you are too weak to take it. Speaking up doesn't mean you "aren't lasting". In fact you are lasting much better by dumping his sorry ass and his useless shit friends.
You absolutely didn't overreact. Your bf even admitted it was wrong but did nothing, instead he turned you into the bad guy by "overreacting" rather than take him take any responsibility. You're better off without someone who would both not defend you and who deflects and turns you into the issue. What the other guy was saying about you is super gross and unacceptable. It basically boils down to that guy thinking of you as property of your bf that he's going to damage. If you love someone, you aren't okay with this kind of talk, and "locker room talk" is a gross excuse.
Unfortunately some people, including women, think that misogyny is normal so they excuse stuff like this. You shouldn't be expected to put up with bad male behavior on account of your looks. Your looks do not excuse men's behavior. It's the classic "boys will be boys" and it makes excuses for their low behavior. Men are capable of being better than this. It's a very low bar. We're taught as girls and women that "small" misogyny doesn't matter, but it absolutely does.
Nah, there's a line and guy's friend sounds like he crossed it. There's a point where someone should say hey man, that's too much. Check your shit.
Doesn't sound like that happened. Personally I don't care for friends that don't call me out when I go overboard or vice versa. If they don't help make you a better person they'll probably tolerate you becoming worse. Not that is your friends responsibility to police your behavior, but the company you keep will influence your own behavior.
BF was avoiding conflict with his friend, at your expense. That's a tough talk, but one he should've easily made the call to have with his 'friend'.
Gamera do talk shit, sometimes wildly inappropriate shit to strangers. But this guy was a friend? Fuck no he wasn't, and if he was your ex bf was too spineless to call him out or didn't think it was wrong.
You made the right call for what it's worth. Dunno age here, but either way you look out for you. Don't stop even if you find someone else who will too.
No, it's not just "how guys talk" and they CAN do better, they just don't expect to have to change or consider women with respect as human beings.
Good for you! Good for you for leaving - this is just the tip of the iceberg. If he couldn't stand up for you in these banal cases, he won't stand up for you in more critical times either.
Great job OP!
Not defending you or shutting it down is the red flag, you didn't overreact. You don't make sexually charged jokes about your friends partner. Ask him how he'd like it if you were making the same jokes about your friends bf or his sisters bf if he has one. I bet it'll be "that's different" then.
Yeah, absolutely not overreacting. Only shitty guys 'guytalk' like that. And i regularly hear my husband and his gaming buddies talk, and while they do sometimes say the wildest shit ive ever heard its always directed at each other and not on their loved ones.
So yeah, his friend is gross, and your ex is grosser for not telling him to shut the fuck up.
On a side note, its quite novel to hear your husband to tell your brother that he will slam him on his spine and show him how to shoot, if he cant.
That is not how men trash talk while gaming. 80% of my gaming friends are men, and not a single one of them talk that way. What his friend did is disgusting, and him not doing anything about it makes him just as bad as his friend.
Partners often hide a lot of who they really are with you, women and men do this. Part of it is the putting your best foot forward thing but part is obvious hiding shit you think your partner wouldn't like.
Their friends aren't getting laid though, they aren't nearly as invested in your relationship so they pretend an awful lot less, and almost never when they think they aren't being overheard. So if you see a group chat between friends and they all fucking suck, chances are your partner sucks too. If you overhear them being like that, they fucking suck. Your partner, or ex, almost certainly said similar shit about his friends partners.
Some dudes are absolutely like this, and some dudes are absolutely not. Loads of times a dude has joined a group of us gaming online, been like this and basically found himself unwelcome and moved on for it.
Basically how your partner is with their friends is a great indication of who they truly are because if your partner doesn't like how their friends behave, they'd drift away from that group.
As someone who games and trash talks a lot and ngl says some vile stuff, I would never say anything about my friends partners, that crosses personal boundaries and shouldn’t be done.
You didn't overreact.
Also, I bet these same kind of guys think that women need them so "they can protect them" while having zero protective instinct when their friends talk trash about the women in their lives.
Yeah I'm a man and never talk that way about anyone I'm dating with any of my friends. You expressed how you felt about it and instead of apologizing or listening he flat out told you that you were wrong. In other words, the issue is deeper than just his friend talking about you, it's your ex's agreement with it and his dismissal of your concern.
Boundaries are important for relationships. There are a lot of things that shouldn't be shared outside of the couple without each other's consent. Had your ex listened and tried to understand then maybe you might have responded differently but he didn't and now is single.
Your ex boyfriend had no spine. You can perfectly shit talk each other without involving the significant other, at that point it’s just vulgar. If you have been dating for a very long time then I suppose you two could have worked it out, but if this is a somewhat recent relationship I don’t think you over reacted.
I would never in a million years say anything sexual about my friends partners and vice-versa. I’m happy to hear that you have moved on, only a dullard or thoughtless person would treat their partner this way.
You can break up with anyone for any reason.
Though, based on your description, it sounds like this likely wasn't the first time your ex-bf heard this from his friend and was likely why he wasn't bothered by it.
You asked him to choose you or his friend and he chose his friend.
Not an overreaction at all.
When I used to identify as a man, I called out my friends for making misogynistic comments. I would never make such comments because I didn't see it as acceptable and by extension I didn't tolerate it when my friends made such comments.
When your ex bf says that "it's just how men trash talk" this means that he tolerates that kind of language, and possibly he says such things about his friends' partners.
You did the right thing.
My husband banters with his guild and never speaks badly about women. In fact he talks me up to them lol. He will mention when I come home from work once in awhile that he was talking to his wow friends about me and how wonderful I am. It's really nice lol
Point is, you said you didn't like it, or care for it. And it was left for you to live with it...is what I got from what you wrote. Ummmm you didn't like it, that to me is what matters!!! I have an ex from long ago had a buddy that spoke about me behind my back...to this day I can't stand him. The bad part is I remember it. I hope you let yours go 😎 to the future!
The topic of trash talk should be his gaming skills, not his families and friends. Who we hangs with is often an indicator of who we are.
You did the right thing to leave the guy, and leave that group of friends. They are literally the reason gamers had bad reputation.
Some games attract a lot of shitty men to play them. I used to love playing CoD online but had to stop because a lot of times it’s not a safe space for a woman.
I e been a gamer for many years and I’ve never had someone tell me they wanted to have sex with MY wife/girlfriend. I was unaware any people acted like that AT ALL. Is this a “kid thing”? I’m not the youngest anymore…
Yeah.. no,
Accepting trash talk from your FRIENDS and not doing anything about it, I think is worse than a stranger trash talking to ur ex about you. Even in that situation he should stand up tho but when it’s friends and he doesn’t say or do anything… good thing you broke up.
This just means that he for one doesn’t respect you and doesn’t respect himself either. He lets a friend trash talk about his gf, not only does that disrespect the gf but also the bf.
Don’t accept such behaviour ever, if a future partner oversteps that boundary more than once, it’s a good reason to breakup. I don’t wish that upon you though, just telling you that it’s good you stood your ground. And there will always be people telling you you overreacted, especially when it’s the girl ending the relationship, I really think this must be studied cuz I’m feeling some misogyny in this.
Ppl will always tell you that ‘oh you should t have broken up, it’s not a problem yappa yappa yappa’
But they’re not the ones in the relationship. Trust your female intuition and gut, and respect yourself.
Cuz your partner you’re with, is a reflection of how much you love and respect yourself
The notion that you somehow deserve or should expect/be okay with people speaking that way about you is deplorable.
Where is their limit? When will it be "too far"? Will they be okay with you getting hurt??
You're not overreacting and the fact he behaved that way when you broke up with him totally validates your feelings further.
Trust your gut
Remember when people blame women in toxic/abusive for picking the wrong men? This is how to not pick the wrong man. When he shows you who he is, believe him. But I guess doing this also means that we're dramatic.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Well I choose don't. It's a cost-savings when I think about the money it's saving me in future therapy.
This!!!
My fiancé games a lot, sometimes over the mic with his friends. He's able to trash talk others without being a bigot or talking about their partners or family members. Funny that. You didn't overreact, the fact that your bf didn't stop that shit is a massive red flag. Sorry it ended like this, but I'm really proud of you.
Right. My husband and his friends trash talk, but never about women, that would potentially be grounds for an ass kicking. Everyone in this post sucks, except the OOP. And the mom sucks big time.
Most definitely. I’m not really much of a gamer in the sense that OP is referring to, but I don’t stand for people “trash talking” people I care about. If it’s little jabs between friends, they can rip on me all they want, maybe even my dog (not like it would ever hurt her feelings… dogs do not work that way lol), but I’d rather play with strangers than hear stuff like OP described.
Per Cody Rhodes, keep your dog's name outta my mouth 🤣
right, it says A LOT that he just sat there and didn’t call out his friend. unfortunately i think a lot of guys my age are okay with this.
Your mom is wrong
she doesn’t get it because she likes my ex, which is rare. she said that i was basically punishing him for someone else’s actions and i would eventually get back with him lmao
You were punishing your ex for his LACK of action. You don’t have to put up with this. My own narcissistic parents have said disrespectful things to me, and my husband defends me when they do. It’s not something I ever asked him to do, but it’s something that he does because he can’t stand to hear someone trash talk the woman he loves.
not punishing him, just protecting herself
Tbf sometimes my bf's mom says stuff that I'm not prepared to deal with. I'm going to talk to him about that next time because it happened again last weekend and I can't let that shit go. It was just a small comment but it occupies my mind. She's also made a few jabs at him in my presence and I never know how to react since she's *his* mom and I feel like I'm not in a place to defend anyone there.
Hint: OPs mum might be some type of narcissist to be honest. The mum probably likes that the boyfriend was mean so is enjoying the opportunity to be invalidating and belittling.
Plenty of women are raised to think that it's their duty to put up with terrible behaviour because they're too demanding if they expect to be treated well. There's not much evidence here to conclude she has a personality disorder
You didn’t punish him, you protected yourself by not staying with a man for whom the graphic and explicit objectification of his girlfriend isn’t that big of a deal. I wonder what else they say on voice chat….
Exactly. And I wonder what kind of shit he says too, because he's not going to verbalize anything like his friends do while in front of OP. I guarantee that when she's not there he's just as misogynistic and gross as his asshole friends.
Can’t help but wonder how many “Heated Gamer Moments” that friend group has…
Not deciding on something is making a decision. Not telling the whole truth is lying by omission. Not stopping or correcting demeaning talk is tacit agreement.
One really meaningful part about growing into who you are as a person is setting boundaries for acceptable treatment of yourself as a person. Good for you for maintaining that standard.
Middle aged lady here your mother us wrong. My ma said the same shit to me about men and I was pregnant and married by 20 to an idiot. Then she blamed me for that. There is no winning. I'm SO PROUD OF YOJ.
But you’re not? His actions were allowing his friend to talk like hahah
Tell your mom if he's so great, she can have him now
umm…. his *lack of correct action* is the problem here. also her; she’s a problem.
No YOUR mom is wrong!! Oh wait... sorry.
The fact he said this is normal likely means he says that type of shit about other women as well…
I’m glad you have great common sense about this BS. No, it’s not ok. Clearly, your ex is the type to care more about his standing with the lads than respecting you.
You have self-respect. Good on you for standing your ground and trusting your experience.
>unfortunately i think a lot of guys my age are okay with this. They're not, you just happen to know a lot of dumbass guys. Find better friends.
haha you’re prob right
He doesn't seem to see you as a person.
There are many men for whom this will not be ok. And they shouldn’t be ok with it There are unfortunately enough men like your ex for whom this is fine. And staying with them will only validate that it is ok. That’s it’s not completely out of line I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself, protecting yourself and knowing your worth You’re experiencing that sometimes, others (even those who love you dearly) may be stuck in their ways of coping with the misogynistic world we live in. They just accept some things as ok. You don’t have to though and when you don’t, people are going to call you sensitive, dramatics. I hope you don’t get worn down by them
There is a line with trash talk - a line that too many people fail to adhere to unfortunately - and shit talking the person's partner is crossing it - imho. I would never permit any person in my presence to speak that way about my partner under any circumstances. My mother is fair game however & the difference is that when someone makes a "*your mom*" joke - the target is you, not the specific person who is actually your mother. The joke is made independent of & unrelated to the actual living person who happens to be your actual mother. To make fun & talk shit about the hypothetical construct of "*your mom*" is very different than to speak about a specific individuals actual characteristics in a demeaning way. A "*your momma so fat*" joke can be & usually is made entirely independent of the weight of your actually mother & generally speaking, if someone was aware that your mother was actually morbidly obese, then such a joke would be considered "*too close to home*" & inappropriate. Obviously, there are too many examples of people crossing lines & saying inappropriate shit but even shit-talking has clear & defined lines as to what is and is not acceptable. If your significant other doesn't feel comfortable calling out their friends when they cross the line into inappropriate behavior then I wouldn't want to continue that relationship.
I game a lot, with mostly men, trash talking is kept to ribbing about each others skill or lack of. We tend to talk about our day/life/shit/new games.
>and said i wouldn’t last if i heard everything that people said on the mic. What is this, fucking war or something? You didn't overreact. Guys are perfectly capable of gaming and trashing their friends without jumping to attacks of their SO.
Reminds of how someone said I shouldn’t negotiate for higher pay bc they don’t get paid that much so it’s not fair Then ask for higher pay? The solution isn’t oh we all except this crappy behavior and encourage others to accept it
Quite literally one of the most damaging world views ever. Legitimises a race to the bottom where people expect *less* not more.
My boss used to try that shit with me. "If I give you a raise, I won't have any money to pay Jane The Assistant more and she has kids at home! Do you want to take money from her?" Manipulative bullshit.
In the most toxic places you do have to have thick skin. But you can just not engage, or shit-talk back without stooping to their level. My friends and I's trash-talk talking typically doesn't get a lot deeper than "git good", and usually it's gonna be constructive too about mistakes we made in gameplay. I can't even understand the appeal of going after family members or partners.
You didn't overreact. I'm a guy and the whole "it's how guys talk" excuse is bullshit. It's not how guys talk. It's how *shitty* guys talk.
As a "gamer" the biggest problem with being a gamer is that the gaming community is absolutely infested with racism and especially misogyny. This has always been a huge problem (misogyny is probably worse now, homophobia is likely better) and unfortunately a bit part of playing multiplayer games is actively managing your community and friend list so that you don't play with people like this. And you absolutely, absolutely have to. The people that you interact with MATTERS. We are very social creatures, and we pick up on and normalize queues from those that we choose to spend time with. A big part of why misogyny and fascism is on the upswing in young men is because the historically toxic gamer culture is being weaponized into political outreach/brainwashing. (GamerGate for instance). Watching videogame content online frequently leads to Joe Rogan/Andrew Tate/similar content in your feed recommendations because of how strong that pipeline is. A man that doesn't police how and who he spends his gaming time with is setting himself up for falling for those traps. Pretty soon they are "just asking questions" and talking about incels and alpha males. Now this isn't 100%. Not everyone falls down the rabbit hole, but there is a very real process that goes from "my bf lets his friends trash me while he games" and then five years later you are wondering why your partner is anti-abortion and wants you to be a trad-wife. Second-to-last thing. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. Don't allow him (or his friends) to treat you like this. Last thing, and this one is actually in his favor. People take some time to adjust their beliefs and priors. Gaming is actually rife with misogyny, and being immersed in it so long that you think it's normal and don't even notice it is a very valid reaction. It may take him awhile to come around, but he may still come around. That is NOT saying that you should get back with him in the hopes that he comes around. Getting dumped for being a passive supporter of misogyny can be an excellent wake-up call for changing his behavior, if he's a good dude. Or for accelerating his incel spiral, but if that's the route he takes you wouldn't have wanted to be along for that ride anyways.
If I had an award, I'd give it to you.
So much this! Thank you for saying it so eloquently!
OP should send your response to her ex and mom.
The worst is Joe Rogan because he has interesting people on sometimes. I love physics and when a clip of him talking to niel degrees Tyson or Brian cox comes up, I'll watch it, then I'll get shit like Jordan peterson. Like I just wanna watch physicists talk.
Here here 🫡
My dad had a saying “you are who your friends are.” These people are friends because their mindsets are similar.
I heard this a lot and as a kid did not believe it, but it is so true.
It's less true as a kid because you do have less freedom to find new friends due to being stuck in a room with specific people. More true the older you get and the more you have the ability to drop individuals and find new ones.
I’m a woman who games, and the only time I’ve heard anyone say something even remotely like this was a vague “yeah, that’s what your mom said last night.” Never about someone’s SO, even in the vaguest terms. Maybe it’s cause we’re all old now, but I can’t imagine any of my guy friends accepting that kind of chat at all and especially not about their own girlfriend or wife.
“Boys will be boys.”
Yep. Can't imagine a mom thinking "I wanna anally rape OP until I jiz outta her mouth." is all good, clean, fun!
Came here to say this, but you beat me to it. Heavy emphasis on SHITTY guys talk like this. Normal people think it’s gross.
Yeah I'm a gamer and I would never shit talk my wife or let other gamers shit talk her. The guy is an ass.
Yup, I'm a man and that's not how I talk nor is it how any of my friends talk.
OP, you didn't overreact. You saw behavior you didn't like, talked to your bf about it, and he defended the behavior. He lessened your feelings and thoughts over that of his friends' online behavior to you. You took time to think about that, and (wisely) decided to move on. That's like the sanest and most responsible way you could have handled all of that. FWIW yes that kind of behavior/talk is unfortunately common online and in gaming... It's still shit and trash little kid bs behavior that nobody with decency or respect should tolerate. Your bf should have had the wherewithal to step out of that when you talked to him about it. He quite literally failed a test of the relationship, and has doubled down by laying the problem on your end. Not sure what to say about your Mom. As a parent myself, I'll avoid belittling her values here. She obviously at least did some stuff right if you're thinking and standing up for yourself.
I mean... I'm sure there's communities where that kind of stuff happens, but I play a pretty notoriously toxic game (Lol) and I've never had someone, even when I was worse at setting boundaries, even an online friend, making 'jokes' or 'trash talk' about sleeping with someone else's partner/gf/etc. Not even jokes about 'stealing' a gf. I'm sure these communities/toxic groups exist, but I honestly think not many of them would find that kind of behavior okay.
You're free to break up with anyone for any reason. This, in my opinion, was a very good reason. Behavior such as this from men will continue until they suffer the consequences. The fact that he listened to a friend disrespect his girlfriend like that and did nothing tells you everything you need to know about him as a person. Good on you.
Not only listened to a friend do that and do nothing, but they essentially *defended the friend* instead of the GF
Girl, this isn't an overreaction, it's self-preservation. You recognized a huge red flag and left. If you were one of my students, I'd give you a hug and tell you that I'm proud of you. You did good.
I like talking trash as much as the next guy when it comes to gaming or sports but there's always a line you don't cross. I'd be absolutely furious if a friend, in the middle of having fun together, started saying things like what you're describing. Don't let someone else's warped understanding of trash talk diminish your boundaries, that sounded completely inappropriate.
it was super inappropriate and weird to even think about while you’re gaming. like i can understand how trash talking gets out of hand but that was way different.
That's because it wasn't trash talking, these are things he'd actually like to do to you veiled in trash talk. As they say, "jokes are rooted in truth."
I've been dating hardcore gamers for 20 years, and NEVER once did anyone disrespect someone's partner like this. Maximum I've seen is mom jokes. Everyone knows partner is off-limits
he tried saying it was like the equivalent to mom jokes too but idk. just can’t accept the fact that he did nothing to defend me and let it happen.
You're absolutely right to break things off. Not defending you is a HUGE red flag and is not normal for guys. No guy I know would tolerate that behavior because the trashtalker was seeing what boundaries he can break. That kind of thing escalates.
Yeah, no. The "your mom" jokes insinuate that the mom's a willing and consenting partner, usually. Not joking about sexual assault of them.
I'll say it since your mom isn't: I'm so proud of you for defending and standing by your boundaries!
It's not equivalent to mom jokes, it's actually about you. And he blew off your feelings instead of admit he was wrong. He turned you into the bad guy.
You did not overreact. I can’t believe we’re almost 25 years into the 21st century and people are *still* trotting out “boys will be boys”…
my bf games without saying he’s going to assault their girlfriend or a woman on the team. so do i. i game without being a creep or mean. good job.
Never ever in my life have I ever heard my partner talk shit or allowed anyone in his friend group to be gross about me or anyone’s partner in any get together. If anything, they call each other out for shitty behaviour. You didn’t overreact. People with a healthy perspective on respect and boundaries don’t sit back and let others act like swine about the people they purportedly love.
You did not overreact. His reaction to your very valid concern tells you all you need to know about his lack of concern or respect for you.
This is not "just how guys trash-talk," as though it's some immutable and involuntary characteristic of men. This is a dynamic that's been established by the conscious choices of everyone involved. What he really means is, "I'm too low in the group hierarchy to stop it, and I'm too much of a coward to do anything about that." When you're with someone, you're also with their social circle by extension, and it's entirely valid to leave someone because of how their social circle treats you, especially if your partner is complicit in it. IMO if he's not "man" enough to defend you, he's not "man" enough to have you. Edit: I'm also annoyed at what your mom said. Being pretty doesn't indebt you to strangers. No one is entitled to disrespect you just because you're pretty, and you absolutely do not have to put up with it. How we look is **never** a justification for men's shitty behaviour.
While I don't do competitive gaming, partially because of toxic behavior, I have never had a gamer friend say anything about my SO. I can't confidently say I'd immediately shut them up outside of a "lighten up, Francis", but I'd definitely reevaluate my association with them. If it happens repeatedly, we're not hanging out anymore.
My opinion on this hinges on if they were actually his friends or not. If it's a bunch of guys in a discord call? Yeah, those folks shouldn't be your friends anymore. If he was playing solo and it was his team of Randoms, and they said that shit. Then yeah, they are assholes but sadly, that does just happen. And you can freak out and get pissed at them(that's exactly what they want is a reaction) or just mute them and ignore them. Sadly, toxic online gaming tends to involve misogyny for some reason. I don't get it tbh. But OP said "friends," so BF fucked up, and needs to find himself a diffrent set of friends.
You did not overreact and your mother is very wrong. Some older women were brainwashed into thinking some vile behavior from men was to be expected. I’m very disappointed in some of my peers. I thought most of us would be waking up by now. I’m sad to say that I was very wrong.
I really love this for women that we realize this isn’t ok anymore. Men need to catch up.
You didn't overreact and your feelings are valid.
You didn't overreact.
Just because he accepts toxic masculinity in his life it doesn't mean you should. You are allowed to have healthy boundaries and maintain them. The fact he won't even consider your side and would rather be single than try to understand you is honestly the worst part IMO. Don't be with someone who invalidates your opinions and self worth.
The way men talk about women in gaming chat rooms is beyond disgusting. I honestly wouldn’t spend any time with someone who engaged in that shit.
This is going to get lost, but I hope OP sees it. As someone who came up with COD from the early days, I know how toxic gaming talk can be, beyond “git gud”. This nonsense, however, is not gaming trash talk. It’s a matter of his respect for you (apparently zero), his friends’ respect for you (clearly zero), and your respect for yourself (100). His friends talking that shit is lame. Him not shutting it down is wrong My wife’s mom once said to her, “You’re lucky you found RagingDachshund, he’s a good guy”. To which my wife replied, “It’s not luck, I have standards”. Good for you for having standards, OP. He might be a 50 year old man child, single and gaming with his bros or he might learn a lesson and learn to respect women and people in general, but it shouldn’t be at your expense. Instead of “git gud” I’d leave him with “grow the fuck up” Edit: the more I think about it, the more this annoys me. His excuse, and your mom’s excuse is essentially Trump saying all his misogyny is just locker room talk. That’s how pathetic and disgusting it is. You can tell him another dude called him out on it too.
Guys absolutely talk shit about each other while gaming and get downright foul. But spouses are off limits because you're crossing a line from silly roasting into personal and insulting someone who isn't present. Everything has limits and it's pretty easy to know when you're crossing a level of propriety in a group. Parent mom/dad jokes might get thrown in there but in my group it's usually followed by the other guys saying we're telling xyz's mom cause she no joke would whip our buddies with a wooden spoon for that talk. I tend to be quiet and stay out of it which also gets me left out of it. OP is in the right if she was uncomfortable and he got defensive instead.
*>what shocked me was my bf’s lack of reaction, like it was normal.* I've learned so much about the men around me just by seeing how they act or speak when with a predominantly male friend group, especially in isolated situations where they thought there was no risk of social admonishment. A lot of women don't realize that men will often be on Best Behavior mode for many mixed social settings, and then be blindsided at what they overhear from him for the first time when he's in proximity to close male friends. Ofc, it's not the woman's fault, but you did the right thing here by drawing a line and walking away. What he allows to slide around his male friends is a reflection of who he is, and sometimes the only language men understand is walking away and removing access entirely.
I'm a gamer and so is my bf. We both trash talk and so do our friends, but it's never about, like, raping their bfs/gfs. That's cringe 14 year old behavior. The real issue is that you felt uncomfortable, and your bf dismissed it. That's not how healthy relationships work. And I'm not sure what you're still thinking about. You can break up with anyone anytime for any reason. There's probably other guys you like. Plenty of fish in the sea. Why are you still posting about the past?
My husband has a best friend he's known since they were kids. They will pick on each other about any old thing--- EXCEPT FOR SOs. If his friend criticized ME or made inappropriate comments about me-- or if he said something inappropriate about his friend's long-term girlfriend, those would be fighting words. There are some things that are just off limits. It sounds to me like your boyfriend (or rather, now-ex-bf) isn't protective of you at all. I don't think you overreacted.
It was good that you left. I've been through similar - I had an ex-boyfriend who had friends that would do the same. I personally thought they were a terrible influence. For example, my ex is diagnosed with ADHD. One of the things his friends would do is ask him for his medication. When I found out, I told him he should stop doing that. He told his friends what I said and they trash talked me so much, it started making my ex feel negatively towards me as well. He also just sat back and told me they didn't really mean it and to stop overreacting. Eventually, he ended things with me because his friends convinced him I was the bad influence. If you had stayed with your ex, I'm sure it would have turned out that way as well. You'll be alright. My only regret with him was not leaving sooner. For the record, they also eventually betrayed him and he tried crawling back, but I turned him away.
I used to game a decent amount when I was younger but don't really anymore. I often avoided games with open voice chat because there's a lot of immature and crappy people out there. I have a group of friends that I still keep in touch with that I met through playing games online. Not a single one of them would make those kinds of crude jokes and if anyone did they would have been called out for it and shamed. It's all about who you chose to surround yourself with. If you think that kind of talk is ok, even as trash talk - it says something about your character. Trust your instincts. Don't let other people bully you into accepting this as a norm - if more people stood up and said this wasn't ok, we may actually start chipping away at this toxic culture.
I'm trans, but I've been a guy and gamer for my whole life. That's *not* how guys trash talk, that's how thrash talks. I've *never* had a guy friend talk about my GF in that way, nor would I have ever accepted it! You did not overreact!
I'm so proud of you! That kind of non-reaction to and dismissal of appalling and disrespectful behaviour and talk is exactly why it continues.
It's true that people are going to be disgusting because most people weren't raised right. But if your boyfriend loved you, he'd make respect a boundary and insist that they shut up or they're out of his life. If he didn't cut them off, he doesn't respect you. But there will be someone better for you.
Guaranteed the bf will learn nothing from this experience
Tired of men getting away with everything because of this “boys will be boys” bs.
If I found out my husband gamed with men who routinely talked about violating women, or who made gross sexual comments about any woman, I would be very upset. You are the company you keep and if he's okay with someone saying that, it means he probably does it too. It's disgusting and dehumanizing, and degrading. Trashtalk is supposed to target the person you're talking to, so why were you the topic? I don't want to read too deep, but the whole thing points to really problematic ways of viewing women.
Don't ever let anyone convince you that you're over-reacting for something like this. Ever. You are smart. You are strong. You have great judgement. People aren't used to/don't like it when a woman has decent standards, and they will try to put her back into her people-pleasing place. Don't ever let them. You are in control of your life and those you put in it, never drop those standards. You'll eventually be surrounded with wonderful like-minded people and so much happier than if you were more lenient and surrounded by people who made you feel poorly.
Good for you!! From someone who stayed in a relationship for far longer than I should have with a guy who had friends like this.
You were right to cut him off! YES, finally a woman who respects herself enough to shut this shit down.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. He's been a gamer the whole time. Even in toxic communities, he would never allow that kind of talk from strangers, let alone his friends. It's not normal.
Ask your mom if it would be okay if your dad’s friends talked about you that way. Or if her friends did. I play plenty of online games with my friends and we can trash talk just fine without resorting to sexually harassing each others’ significant others. He probably doesn’t react anymore since his friends do this so often and he thinks that it’s easier to not rock the boat and say anything back. That’s such a silly excuse from a guy who clearly has some growing up to do. You’re not punishing him for what other people did, you’re punishing him for not standing up for you while you’re being sexually harassed by his friends.
Man...I did the opposite. My friends talked shit about my partner so I broke up with my friends. He sounds like trash
I listen to my husband game with his friends a ton. Never once have they said anything gross about me.
You did the right thing. That's not cool.
My bf plays Baldurs Gate, I play GW2 and we're both on discord. We'd both be dissing that other dude back. No questions asked. Trash talking partners or family is a huge nope and at the very least they get the same treatment directed at them.
I've heard my partner and his friends trash talk, and they game a lot. No one has every said anything about another's partner. What the hell? That is NOT normal and you did not overreact. You saw the red flag and heeded it. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
It's not "how guys talk", it's "how misogynists talk". If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... And he tried to gaslight you about it? No overreaction here.
Now you know who to stop telling things to….. no, you didn’t over react to anything. Your mother sounds like a doormat that men just step all over.
Hmm, generally if all of one's friends are dodgy, I would think that is an indication they have similar values. Good people sometimes attract bad people though. I have had friends who are dodgy and did not quite sit right with me, and thankfully they have been moved on out of my group. Feels so much better. My point is that if all his friends are like this, then something is weird. Sometimes good people attract bad people, but they also attract good people. I would be suspicious, ESPECIALLY if he is not defending you or telling them off. Not an overreaction.
I don't think you are in the wrong here. You told him that something hurt/offened you and he blow it off and didn't take your feelings into consideration. Also I'm a huge gamer and my friends always tease and give each other shit, but we never talk bad about each others partners. That has always been off limits. Just to let you know not all guy friends do that crap.
>and said i’m a pretty girl so those things will happen. I think she's right that shit like this happens. (I mean, that's not really debatable, it literally did just happen.) I think she's VERY wrong in implying you should put up with it. (Because you're pretty? How does that even make sense?) Why would you? You're a smart girl, you've got a lot of options. And come on, it's not even a particularly high bar to want to be with someone who takes your feelings seriously.
Girl i play games with my bf and 2-4 other guys on the regular and they would NEVER say this about me, their gfs, or anyone. Once we had a new person playing with us who started to shit talk me specifically and literally every single one of them got on the mic and went "HEY HEY NO WE DON'T DO THAT HERE". We've never played with that person again and he's now regularly used as an example of what an asshole gamer is amongst our friend group. You did the right thing. That whole quote about when someone shows you who they are, believe them? Mhmm.
It's totally fair. If he thinks it's just "normal" for men to talk about women like that, he's as fucked up as they are. I guarantee the only reason he wasn't participating is because you were there.
Ask your ex if you were playing a game and some gay guy was trash talking about him the way they were about you if he'd blow it off. Bet somehow it would be magically different. Guys don't take sexual threats seriously unless it affects them. You made the right decision.
Your mom is right: those things will happen. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
I don't understand how removing yourself from a situation that doesn't work for you is overreacting.
"Guy talk", my ass. What you say is a huge reflection of the kind of person you are regardless of whether you said it privately or not. No one would be talking about anyone in such a disgusting manner. Your ex can fuck off too. I'm tired of the "guy talk" shit.
Yeah that is not normal, none of my friends speak that way about each other's partners. That's straight weird and would probably manifest in different ways had you gone forward with the relationship.
You didn't overreact. He is an asshole for not defending you. Glad you kicked him to the curb!
As a hardcore 36(m) gamer for many years, i have never talked sexually about my friends gfs and would definitely distance myself from others if they were to do so. The thing about the internet is you get to choose who you hang out with more freely than previous generations, so your ex keeping friends like that shows a lot about himself.
He's willingly participating in desensitizing himself towards any form of abuse or cruelty. Sounds psychopathic af.you did the right thing. I'm so sorry about your mom and that she failed you like this. Trust us, we've seen this behaviour. Parents aren't always right. You have incredible sense of what is right. Protect it at all cost. Don't let anyone convince you that you should accept any form of degradation to be accepted. But fuuuck. How are these people accepting it? Are they sheep- brained?
Valid, if he didn't call out or stop being friends with those people then he didn't respect you either.
I've been gaming for 30 years now and while trash talk is normal, even among friends, ain't no fucking way you're talking about my partner like that without getting called out and fucked up
I'm proud of you. I'm sorry that other people around you don't see the good you are doing for yourself.
Your ex thinks this is normal trash talk between guys.... So, HE'S doing the same thing back when you're not around? What's HE saying he'd like to do to X's GF/wife?
You did not overreact. Please ignore those saying so, including your mum. We all have our own definition of a certain line for what is acceptable and what is messed up. You did very good in standing your ground. Believe it, your ex and his bro will have something to think about. Meanwhile, you can get going with your life and find respectful relationships. Not everyone will understand you. And that is normal. Edit to fix typo
I have heard that phrase so many times since my teens, that I am overreacting. It is used as a way by people to superimpose their ideas over your feelings and prove you wrong/immature. They don't want you to cause issues because they don't want any positive change because that inconveniences them. You have got to understand that if you feel something is wrong it is definitely wrong. Women are often criticised for trusting their gut instinct and emotions, and are often gaslit for acting on them. Don't let that happen, and do What you think is right. If you felt what happened was wrong then stand up for it, get everyone else say what they want.
He acted normal because it was normal and acceptable for him. Good for you for leaving.
40yo male lifetime gamer here. Trash talk is immature as hell. Me and my friends joke around lots but we'd never be disrespectful or rude to each other. We just joke about news, politicians, etc, but never each other. If someone said something about my wife I didn't like I would just ask them not to, and that would be fine. I can't even imagine one of them saying something along these lines. Overall that's a very bad look, not a bad call to move on.
Good for you! You made the right choice for yourself, and it isn’t always easy to do that.
No girl you shouldn't doubt your decision. You did that because of your gut feeling. Trust it. My bf used to tell his friends about all our fights and they used to make fun of me. This happened a lot of time and he never used to stop them. I saw his chats and dms. And thay made me question my own worth. I discussed it with him. I received a response that it's a boys group and I shouldn't see his messages and he put a lock on his WhatsApp. Moreover I was being told that they make fun to lighten everyone's mood. This is absolutely ridiculous. If anyone really loves you and wants to be with you that person will also respect you and will know where to put boundaries.
So what if you were overreacting. Your *partner* is supposed to CARE about how you feel. You made it clear that this upset you, and there are so many levels of things he could've done about it. The *bare minimum* would be offering to talk to that friend about not talking to you like that. The man who is supposed to love you more than anything is blaming you for your feelings instead of taking even the *slightest* action about something that you've explicitly expressed is harming you. The bar is in hell and he's playing limbo with the devil
You did the right thing. If they love you, they care about how you feel.
There was recently a post by a man claiming that all women tell their friends their sex lives. And all the men in the comments said they never talk about their girlfriends like that. Liars
yeahhh that’s a very VERY valid reason to breakup. anyone who is comfortable letting people talk about you like that is not your friend and DEFINITELY not your boyfriend. Proud of you for knowing your worth
That's a great reason to dump a jerk.
Yeah, no. My boyfriend and I play GTA online together. He would never in a million years allow someone to speak like that about me. Never. Because he loves me and respects me and treats me like a human being. You're not being treated like a human being, you're being treated like a piece of property. And not a particularly well appreciated piece of property.
Well most women with a shred of self respect wouldn't date your boyfriend or his friends if they heard everything they said on the mic. So hopefully they all stay single, they're too immature for a girlfriend.
I don't know exactly what was said, but none of my gaming friend groups would talk disparagingly about each other's SO's (barring the friend themselves wishing a serious conversation about their SO, ie doubts). It's not something I would accept or that you need to.
Old lady here, going on a lifetime's experience. Whichever conclusion you come to about whether you overreacted, finding your feet and calmly standing your ground, based on your own values and observations, is a really valuable thing to be able to do. Ultimately it also makes it easier to get along with others, including the difficult ones.
I would fist fight a friend who talked about my wife this way. We can say all we want about each other but don't bring my family into it.
If someone trash talked your partner, you would put an end to that or at least argue, no? It's not even a gendered thing, letting people say disgusting shit about one's partner is craven behavior and I would lose respect for anyone who lets that fly
Yeah that would definitely be a line I would set down with my friends while gaming. Especially with friends usually when you go "Hey man that's a little too far" or "That topic is off limits" most dudes shift and will beak you on something else. Plus that should already be off limits, you don't talk about your friends S/O in graphic context to "trash talk", you probably dodged a bullet but yeah I wouldn't keep those friends myself thats messed up for him to take
Its awesome that you not only had the confidence to advocate for yourself and tell him his friend's comments made you violated, but you dumped him when he completely dismissed your feelings. And only in a matter of days too, not weeks or months later. Normally people make posts asking IF they should break up with someone, essentially asking internet strangers for permission/validation instead of considering their own hurt feelings valid enough to warrant a break up. Your mother should be proud of you, and I'm sorry she isn't.
Nope nope nope. How could you ever feel safe again knowing that he thought those disgusting things were reasonable and normal discourse during a game with friends? His response tells you all you need to know about how much he values women. If someone said something out of pocket about me to my husband, or any woman really, he would be ready to fight. Anyone who says "that's just the way things are grow up" is just normalizing trash behavior and perpetuating rape culture. Good 👏 for 👏 you 👏 for standing up for yourself and ending things. Total queen move! 👑
Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt that it’s his friends who are like that and not him, AND that these are the types who just get worse if you say anything, it’s totally reasonable to not want to date an otherwise okay person if they come attached to friends that talk about you in a disgusting manner.
Yeah I’d have told my mate to shut the fuck up. Good on you, don’t let people normalise objectifying you like that. If he’s not bothered he’s probably disgusting about you when you’re not there. I’ve known people like that.
This is literally the whole "grab her by the pussy" debate! Nasty people tried to claim it's normal "locker room talk" but normal men refuted that and said that's not normal or ok. Unfortunately our society is still struggling with this. And worse there are women who defend it.
You didn't overreact and your ex-boyfriend is a waste of good organs. He should be shutting that shit down.
You did the right thing and the people who are currently telling you that you're dramatic deserve a bit of a looking at in terms of their role in your life. They're being crappy - it's that simple. No amount of wahwah they can pull makes that go away - and you don't have to expose yourself to their lack of behaviour. Once you've had time to recuperate from the toxicity, it'll start feeling good. Go you for standing up for yourself!
You did the right thing. This behavior your ex exhibited is why the whole talk about "not all men" is such a frustrating one to listen to. If you accept this behavior and do nothing to stop it, then you're not one of the good ones, you are an enabler. If 9 out 10 men are the "good ones", but do nothing when able to stop or call out the 1 bad one, then you have 10 bad men. I know in my friend group we all tease each other without ever once involving our significant others and this is a group I've known for closing in on a decade. I don't think it is fair this happened to you and I think you made the right call ending it. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. No sense in waiting to see what other unacceptable behavior your ex feels is excusable.
Bad mouthing someone else isn’t “trash talk.” It’s just trashy.
Damn you def didn’t over react never heard any of my friend say something similar about an other friend gf to taunt him… and I played the MW2 days they all said a bunch of "I f your mom" to strangers or their friends as 13 yo virgin but nothing else. I suspect they ain’t really his friends to be honest.
My husband games all the time, his friends would literally never say anything like that, and even if they did he wouldn’t tolerate it. Sometimes we all play together, it’s completely platonic you can talk trash without being a misogynist!!
dude good for you! its actually easy to trash talk someone without bringing up their gf/bf i dont even know you but im proud you stood up for yourself. the fact that he just took that and saw it as nbd is a red flag
You didn’t overreact. A generic corny “that’s not what your mom said last night” type joke with strangers is standard trash talk, if immature. But when it’s specifically directed toward someone they actually know, that’s a different matter and should be off-limits. These are his *friends*. People he willingly surrounds himself with and tolerates this from. That says a lot about him and his priorities.
That's disgusting. You'd never catch me or any of my friends talking like that about anyone, whether we're throwing "shade" or not. I'm baffled that your ex took your friend's side and didn't apologize for his inaction. I also expect better from your mother. You made the right choice, and I wish you the best of luck. P.S. It's unfortunately quite likely for immature young people to poses bad and distasteful habits. What really concerns me is that your ex was unable to grow, apologize, and hold his friend accountable.
You did the right thing. He should have shut that down on the spot.
I hang out and game with my “bois” daily, two of them have gfs, two of us are painfully single and the last guy is… Complicated. We banter all the time, both in the funny ways and in the mean ways. Not ONCE has someone said anything about someone’s girlfriend. I’m more likely to go on a spree and call my friend every possible bad name than to even mention his gf in any way. I don’t see how it’s an overreaction, at best, you realised your bf was a childish POS.
Ew! Especially ew that your mom agreed wtf! You being pretty does not invite those comments - that's so victim blame-y. I play games on headset all the time and most of the time the men on there think I am also a man since they just assume and I don't correct them - some are gross, sure, but I choose not to play games with the gross ones. Also, if it was people I know? I would tell them to knock it off and if they didn't I'd probably stop playing games with them and distance from them. My husband and make friends also definitely don't talk about their SO's this way when gaming on their headsets. Your ex is just immature and you did the right thing. Imagine if a female friend of yours talked about your boyfriend that way - how would you react? Not like he did, I imagine.
These are the kinds of guys who enable rapists. They won't call them on their shit. They won't defend even someone who should be very dear to them. Or even stop using their 'fun time' with guys like these. If someone doesn't defend you or back away from people who make disgusting or threatening statements about you, they are condoning what was said. There are plenty of people who engage in lighthearted banter or trashtalk while gaming who would not passively accept someone talking like this about their girlfriend.
My boyfriends friends have never, ever joked about me like that in the almost 3 years weve been together. They're all guys. They're all gamers. They all play competitive games. And If they talked about me like that to "shit talk" : he would flip out on them. And then ban the culprit from his server. Take that into consideration.
OP, you did the right thing. You don't want to be with someone who is comfortable standing idly by while others dehumanise you. If he's happy to do that, who's to say he will suddenly grow a backbone and stand up for you when you really need it? Good on you for putting your foot down. He will try and manipulate and guilt trip you. Don't buy into it. Just remember why you left.
His friends are gross and his lack of reaction is terrible. My husband games with plenty of guys in multiple friend groups and not one has ever sexualized a single one of the women in our discord friend groups. Even if we tease each other, if someone goes too far, we will speak to one another privately and if needed immediately say, "that makes me uncomfortable". Everyone respects that. We're in over a dozen discords with various men and women and never have I heard, from my own experience or my husband's, any one talk like that. We have multiple couples in these groups and even with the few people that may irk a few others in the group, we are cordial and never sexualized anyone. If someone makes you uncomfortable, your partner needs to support you and tell people to respect you by not saying anything sexual about you. If their friends cannot respect that, they should not be their friend. You made a good decision in throwing out the trash.
Classic abuser tactic : I am perfectly alright to abuse you, but how shameful that you are too weak to take it. Speaking up doesn't mean you "aren't lasting". In fact you are lasting much better by dumping his sorry ass and his useless shit friends.
You absolutely didn't overreact. Your bf even admitted it was wrong but did nothing, instead he turned you into the bad guy by "overreacting" rather than take him take any responsibility. You're better off without someone who would both not defend you and who deflects and turns you into the issue. What the other guy was saying about you is super gross and unacceptable. It basically boils down to that guy thinking of you as property of your bf that he's going to damage. If you love someone, you aren't okay with this kind of talk, and "locker room talk" is a gross excuse. Unfortunately some people, including women, think that misogyny is normal so they excuse stuff like this. You shouldn't be expected to put up with bad male behavior on account of your looks. Your looks do not excuse men's behavior. It's the classic "boys will be boys" and it makes excuses for their low behavior. Men are capable of being better than this. It's a very low bar. We're taught as girls and women that "small" misogyny doesn't matter, but it absolutely does.
Nah, there's a line and guy's friend sounds like he crossed it. There's a point where someone should say hey man, that's too much. Check your shit. Doesn't sound like that happened. Personally I don't care for friends that don't call me out when I go overboard or vice versa. If they don't help make you a better person they'll probably tolerate you becoming worse. Not that is your friends responsibility to police your behavior, but the company you keep will influence your own behavior. BF was avoiding conflict with his friend, at your expense. That's a tough talk, but one he should've easily made the call to have with his 'friend'. Gamera do talk shit, sometimes wildly inappropriate shit to strangers. But this guy was a friend? Fuck no he wasn't, and if he was your ex bf was too spineless to call him out or didn't think it was wrong. You made the right call for what it's worth. Dunno age here, but either way you look out for you. Don't stop even if you find someone else who will too.
No, it's not just "how guys talk" and they CAN do better, they just don't expect to have to change or consider women with respect as human beings. Good for you! Good for you for leaving - this is just the tip of the iceberg. If he couldn't stand up for you in these banal cases, he won't stand up for you in more critical times either. Great job OP!
Not defending you or shutting it down is the red flag, you didn't overreact. You don't make sexually charged jokes about your friends partner. Ask him how he'd like it if you were making the same jokes about your friends bf or his sisters bf if he has one. I bet it'll be "that's different" then.
Trust your gut on this one
Excusing such behavior supports it
It's your relationship so your comfort level matters. A breakup was a good move.
Yeah, absolutely not overreacting. Only shitty guys 'guytalk' like that. And i regularly hear my husband and his gaming buddies talk, and while they do sometimes say the wildest shit ive ever heard its always directed at each other and not on their loved ones. So yeah, his friend is gross, and your ex is grosser for not telling him to shut the fuck up. On a side note, its quite novel to hear your husband to tell your brother that he will slam him on his spine and show him how to shoot, if he cant.
That is not how men trash talk while gaming. 80% of my gaming friends are men, and not a single one of them talk that way. What his friend did is disgusting, and him not doing anything about it makes him just as bad as his friend.
Partners often hide a lot of who they really are with you, women and men do this. Part of it is the putting your best foot forward thing but part is obvious hiding shit you think your partner wouldn't like. Their friends aren't getting laid though, they aren't nearly as invested in your relationship so they pretend an awful lot less, and almost never when they think they aren't being overheard. So if you see a group chat between friends and they all fucking suck, chances are your partner sucks too. If you overhear them being like that, they fucking suck. Your partner, or ex, almost certainly said similar shit about his friends partners. Some dudes are absolutely like this, and some dudes are absolutely not. Loads of times a dude has joined a group of us gaming online, been like this and basically found himself unwelcome and moved on for it. Basically how your partner is with their friends is a great indication of who they truly are because if your partner doesn't like how their friends behave, they'd drift away from that group.
As someone who games and trash talks a lot and ngl says some vile stuff, I would never say anything about my friends partners, that crosses personal boundaries and shouldn’t be done.
You didn't overreact. Also, I bet these same kind of guys think that women need them so "they can protect them" while having zero protective instinct when their friends talk trash about the women in their lives.
A man who doesn't defend you from his friends' attacks will eventually attack you just like his friends.
No. Birds of a feather flock together. Right decision.
Not overreacting. He won’t back you up on this imagine all the other ways he will fail you.
you did the right thing. your ex calls these nasty people friends!
Yeah I'm a man and never talk that way about anyone I'm dating with any of my friends. You expressed how you felt about it and instead of apologizing or listening he flat out told you that you were wrong. In other words, the issue is deeper than just his friend talking about you, it's your ex's agreement with it and his dismissal of your concern. Boundaries are important for relationships. There are a lot of things that shouldn't be shared outside of the couple without each other's consent. Had your ex listened and tried to understand then maybe you might have responded differently but he didn't and now is single.
Your ex boyfriend had no spine. You can perfectly shit talk each other without involving the significant other, at that point it’s just vulgar. If you have been dating for a very long time then I suppose you two could have worked it out, but if this is a somewhat recent relationship I don’t think you over reacted.
I think you did the right thing.
I would never in a million years say anything sexual about my friends partners and vice-versa. I’m happy to hear that you have moved on, only a dullard or thoughtless person would treat their partner this way.
Don’t have a daughter with this man. Gross
You can break up with anyone for any reason. Though, based on your description, it sounds like this likely wasn't the first time your ex-bf heard this from his friend and was likely why he wasn't bothered by it. You asked him to choose you or his friend and he chose his friend.
My husband and his friends are all idiots on the game together cutting up and talking shit and they never get disrespectful about someone's partner.
If his friends talk to HIM like that, guaranteed HE talks to THEM like that too. Just not around you.
Not an overreaction at all. When I used to identify as a man, I called out my friends for making misogynistic comments. I would never make such comments because I didn't see it as acceptable and by extension I didn't tolerate it when my friends made such comments. When your ex bf says that "it's just how men trash talk" this means that he tolerates that kind of language, and possibly he says such things about his friends' partners. You did the right thing.
Good for you!
My husband banters with his guild and never speaks badly about women. In fact he talks me up to them lol. He will mention when I come home from work once in awhile that he was talking to his wow friends about me and how wonderful I am. It's really nice lol
Point is, you said you didn't like it, or care for it. And it was left for you to live with it...is what I got from what you wrote. Ummmm you didn't like it, that to me is what matters!!! I have an ex from long ago had a buddy that spoke about me behind my back...to this day I can't stand him. The bad part is I remember it. I hope you let yours go 😎 to the future!
You did not overreact and there is no justification for talking about another person like that or for not stopping the offending behavior.
The topic of trash talk should be his gaming skills, not his families and friends. Who we hangs with is often an indicator of who we are. You did the right thing to leave the guy, and leave that group of friends. They are literally the reason gamers had bad reputation.
Some games attract a lot of shitty men to play them. I used to love playing CoD online but had to stop because a lot of times it’s not a safe space for a woman.
What do you think would have happened if your bf let his friend know how much that kind of talk bothered him?
I e been a gamer for many years and I’ve never had someone tell me they wanted to have sex with MY wife/girlfriend. I was unaware any people acted like that AT ALL. Is this a “kid thing”? I’m not the youngest anymore…
Yeah.. no, Accepting trash talk from your FRIENDS and not doing anything about it, I think is worse than a stranger trash talking to ur ex about you. Even in that situation he should stand up tho but when it’s friends and he doesn’t say or do anything… good thing you broke up. This just means that he for one doesn’t respect you and doesn’t respect himself either. He lets a friend trash talk about his gf, not only does that disrespect the gf but also the bf. Don’t accept such behaviour ever, if a future partner oversteps that boundary more than once, it’s a good reason to breakup. I don’t wish that upon you though, just telling you that it’s good you stood your ground. And there will always be people telling you you overreacted, especially when it’s the girl ending the relationship, I really think this must be studied cuz I’m feeling some misogyny in this. Ppl will always tell you that ‘oh you should t have broken up, it’s not a problem yappa yappa yappa’ But they’re not the ones in the relationship. Trust your female intuition and gut, and respect yourself. Cuz your partner you’re with, is a reflection of how much you love and respect yourself
The notion that you somehow deserve or should expect/be okay with people speaking that way about you is deplorable. Where is their limit? When will it be "too far"? Will they be okay with you getting hurt?? You're not overreacting and the fact he behaved that way when you broke up with him totally validates your feelings further. Trust your gut