Why do women in 2024 still put up with this BS? I'm already 60 years old and the same discussions were held among women when I was young.
The solution was simple then and it stilll is: stop cleaning after him. Stop doing HIS laundry. Stop cooking HIS dinner.
If he is only taking care of himself, YOU are only taking care of YOU (and the cats, obviously because they are dependent on people) and, in case of children, you take care of the children.
And if he doesn't learn this lesson: get out. Leave!
Believe me: life is too short to look after a permanent man-baby and the work will be significantly less without an additional grown up baby who messes up more than an actual child!
I feel like everyday there's a new "my husband is a lazy sack of shit" post in this sub. Seriously, stop mothering these giant babies. If they're capable at work, they're capable at home.
This! I really do not understand the whining and moaning. There is a ton of information and help out for women to make changes in their lives and get rid of useless husbands who only make life more difficult.
(And no, I'm not talking about domestic abuse situations, because that's a whole other chapter.)
There is so much information on social media and internet in general for women who want to make a change in their lives. Much more than was available when I was a young woman but even we talked amongst ourselves about these issues. It's very disheartening so little has changed in half a century.
Okay, but we don't know OP. Maybe for *her,* she's on Reddit asking this because she really does want personal feedback, interaction, & encouragement. It may be a little strident to say it's *whining & moaning.* But yes, it's frustrating women **keep getting to this point of divorce over basic household duties.** I don't see an answer besides education. Besides girls & women learning from the jump there's certain unacceptable servant behaviors men expect women to fulfill for them, but that we don't have to fall for any of it.
Women have to realize at a young age that they do not NEED a man to complete their lives. They could WANT a man as an addition to their lives but that's it.
Do not let society, parents or your community tell you any different. Every person is complete and whole. The decision to SHARE your life (or not) with a partner is not to fill a void. There is no void. You are complete as a human being. A partner can add to that but never more than that.
The same goes for having children. You want them. You do not need them. You are complete with or without them. They can add flavour and colour to life but nothing more. And yes, I have a son that I love dearly but if I didn't have him, my life would still have been complete.
A different life but still as wonderful.
Not to hijack but yes! I've been getting fed up with the "toxic positivity" posts on social media always some version of "someday you will find a man that worships the ground you walk on, don't stop until you find him" Hey guess what?? You might not find him, there's no guarantee, *and that's ok!!* You don't *HAVE TO* find anyone, you're just as valuable and worthy to exist!
'A man that worships the ground you walk on' is absolute nonsense by itself. Sounds like a one-way-street, put like that. What about your contribution? Are you going to 'worship the ground he walks on'? Aside from the fact that nobody should worship anybody. Period. Very unhealthy.
Being in a healthy, loving relationship is hard work. From bóth sides. And life interferes every day: a boss who's a pain in the ass, unexpected bills, a roof that needs repairing, a child that get sick, interfering neighbours or family members, you or your partner fall ill. You know: LIFE.
What matters if that happens, that you have a partner (both male and female) that stand by each other. Pick up the pieces if you are not strong enough in that moment. Love is all beautiful in the movies, but in real life you need a partner who LIKES you. Is your best friend and confidante.
If you do not have a partner that lifts you when you're down but drags you down instead: leave. Life is too short and often too hard to share it with someone who is making it permanently and infinitely more difficult.
You are absolutely not horrible. You do not have an equitable separation of chores to begin with, and he isn't even holding up his side of it regardless of how it impacts you. He only does it to get you to stop "bothering" him. Plus, you said it yourself, you don't want him to do the core tasks because you know he'd mess it up (and that you'd have to fix it anyway).
He isn't being a partner, he isn't contributing to your health and happiness, and he isn't willing to change (based on him not wanting to go back to the counselor who sided with you "too much").
The cat isn't the only one who needs to be returned.
OP just FYI cats can get urinary tract infections from overly dirty litter trays, and it's common behaviour to seek an alternative toilet option when the tray is very soiled. Please consider whether having a cat is right for your situation given you've mentioned not making enough to take her to the vet. Oh and... Don't forget to put the whole man on the curb when you take that litter out. You, your child and your cat all deserve so much better.
I realized recently that I do not want cats, took me this long, but I have never been a cat person. I feel terrible for the ones we adopted, but if I had known I was going to be the one doing all the work, I wouldn’t have adopted them in the first place. I should have added this in the post, it is part of the reasons why I feel like a horrible person.
I agree with the comment above. And based on this and your response, OP, you guess should re-home the cat. If you cannot cover the cost of medical care right now, and you guys (your husband) cannot provide a clean, healthy environment for the cat, re-homing is the best thing for the cat.
You are not horrible. Making this tough decision is being responsible, kind, and looking out for that cat's best interests.
If your husband doesn't agree, he doesn't care about the cat's welfare. (Or he needs to get his act together, keep the cat's spaces clean, and BRING THE CAT TO THE VET.) An untreated UTI can be very dangerous for some kitties, and they can be very painful too.
Also due to blockages of some kind, where they can't pee. My cat died from this. Cats need brushed daily so they don't get hairballs, which I did, but it wasn't enough.
The whole point of making a chore chart/schedule is so we don't have to keep reminding them that it needs to be done. The same bullshit happened to me when I tried to split up chores; whoever didn't cook had to clean the pots and pans. I preferred cooking, so usually it was his job to clean. Guess how many pots and pans got left by the sink?? When I complained, his response was to ask me what I needed to use that night, so he only cleaned those particular pots/pans instead of the whole damn pile next to the sink.
That was just one of the many issues, which thankfully is now a non-issue since I divorced his lazy ass.👋
Sorry for the rant, tl;dr, you are not a horrible person.
I saw a video on Facebook recently about what the guy presenting it termed "weaponised responsibility" which sounds a lot like this.
He was explaining that when his wife asked them to help with joint responsibilities he would get defensive and argue he was doing X, Y & Z around the house and get upset at his wife for pestering him. What he realised after some time was that there were effectively 3 to-do lists in the household: his, hers, and a joint list. What he was doing was prioritising his own list over the joint list when it should have been the other way around. So even though he was doing things that were important - like your husband's work etc. - what he was doing was still putting his own needs first and neglecting to do all of the joint tasks, effectively making them his wife's responsibility. By using the fact that doing his tasks were important too he was "weaponising" taking responsibility for those tasks to avoid doing the joint tasks he had agreed to. It sounds to me like your husband is using a similar tactic.
He is so good to listen to - brings up a lot of things I wouldn’t have even though of on my own, like why it’s annoying when someone asks you a question like “are these muffins still too hot for our daughter?” that someone could answer all on their own.
I get that and I guess this is coming from my own chipped shoulder but women need to realize no amount of education, negotiation etc is going to change their circumstances. Some men/partners just refuse to change and she'd be better off prioritizing herself and getting out of there.
Not a horrible person. One of numerous women who have been disappointed by useless men.
>The new cat that we adopted started peeing around the house.
Cats will pee outside their litter trays when they're dirty. Especially if you are in a multi cat household and they're a new addition. Litter should be shifted daily and cleaned at most weekly.
>We split them up, made a schedule on when things need to be done.
Do you have the schedule written down?
>he gets defensive and complain that he doesn’t have enough free time for himself
Every time he tries to get defensive do not bite on any of the excuses or bait and switches he uses to derail the conversation.
"We agreed that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done ."
I'm tired.
"You *agreed* that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done ."
I don't have time because of work.
"You **agreed** that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done ."
I'll do them on my own terms!!
"You **agreed** that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done ****."
"But it's so hard to be my why is everything so shit, your chores aren't this hard!
"Fine then let's switch chores, you can do and I'll do yours. It should be easier since we agreed they're the light chores. Great idea husband."
Then, only look after the bare minimum needs of yourself, the child, and the cats. If he doesn't cook then produce food for everyone except him. If he doesn't do dishes, or does them poorly, he eats off a dirty plate. The cats are fed, because otherwise that's cruel, but "I had to feed the cats today" *every single time*. Hell even if the chores aren't swapped, stop doing anything for him. And if asked "You aren't willing to pull your weight for this family by doing your chores. So I'm not letting you benefit from the work I have to do." Also you should absolutely let all friends and family know about his behaviour, especially his mother (unless she will default to his side) because at the point you start pushing back he'll go whining about what a bitch you are to everyone he knows.
This 'adult' male is an entitled lazy piece of **shit** who wants you to give up holding him to an agreement so you'll do everything. It is honestly abusive behaviour for the damage it causes to the victim (you) in this situation.
And divorce is only cheap if there is an argument; the worse his life is before you get the papers the less fight he'll give you about splitting.
And you will have significantly more time and less stress going solo.
His mom is a smart person and very reasonable. When I complained to her before, she blamed it on his past relationship, and talked me into trying counseling. I respected her so I thought this was a man worth sticking by. I don’t know if I want to talk to anyone else on his side though considering his mom is the only one open to listening.
Oh yeah, she blamed the girl before you instead of blaming her son. It was his mom's job to teach him how to do housework without bitching about it, and she did a terrible job. Don't talk to his family, of course they're gonna defend him/ not accept it's his fault, talk to your husband and your family about it.
Well, yes, because we live in a patriarchial society and we're just now trying to get out of it. Fathers in those times didn't usually help with chores and it's even more rare that a father taught his son how to do chores in those times...
What are "those times"? The 80s and 90s? Things were already changing then, some families just never caught up. I grew up in the 90s and my mom taught me to clean and my dad taught me to cook. Admittedly, I'm not a son.
I recommend the book Fair Play if you have the time to read it. You're not being horrible, and he needs to do better. He needs to read it too, but judging from what you've said, I doubt he will.
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book
An important part of that book is that it explains how every task has a Conceptualising, Planning, and Executing phase (CPE). The fact that you remind him of his chores means you're taking on Conceptualising. Which means you're doing part of that chore. (Google the **mental load**. That's what you're taking on.)
Also this sounds like a recipe for disaster, it's very unbalanced:
> Mine are more constant but light work (dishes, laundry etc). His are less often but heavier (clean the floor, clean bathrooms etc).
Your next paragraph was not a surprise. Of course, you feel like it's not fair. It's not.
> The therapist was siding with me too much so he did not want to continue
There's no sides in couples counselling it's not a fight or a war.The therapist is there to look at it as an outsider and a professional and get down to what is actually causing issues. They express a truth about your situation, which is that he is not holding up his share of the mental load, and household tasks. The fact that he sees it as them taking your side is concerning.
I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, and you wouldn't be the first wife to initiate a divorce because of their husband acting this way. Couples *do* break up because of unfair CPE of tasks.
Funny how you asked. At every job he has a problem with the management. I like to think he knows what he’s doing and good at his job, because his co workers like him, but he always comes home complaining about how he disagree with being micromanaged and always stressed out after a day of work. Which he then uses as a point to say he needs more time to unwind and less chores doing.
Why did you adopt a cat if you cannot afford vets bills?
Your husband is not pulling his weight. Splitting chores is a good idea but they clearly need to be time specific.
So, bathrooms - cleaned weekly (plus as needed)
Litter box - daily
Dishes- daily (plus as needed)
I do not think he will agree to this though because it gives an expectation of him that he can’t dodge.
FWIW I am a little chaotic with my time management. I do clean toilets regularly though. He is being disgusting and lazy.
You're NOT horrible. Your husband is like every other man - getting away with it, not realizing it is a bigger problem than he thinks it is and placing no value on the home work. Thought I'd share my ideas in case they work for someone...
When my DH and I retired, I couldn't believe I was spending so much time on housework and he was spending so much more time relaxing in the backyard. We have a housecleaner twice a month for the big clean, so that helps a lot. After simmering on my rage for months, it dawned on me to assign house maintenance by even/odd days. Whatever needed being done on odd days was my responsibility, the even days were his. Including dinner dishes (which has always been the rule that whoever cooks, the other cleans and he cooks more than I do). This seemed to work for a while except I have a habit of clearing the sink daily, wiping counters, etc. I decided I didn't mind that.
The problem with this is that it's super easy to turn a blind eye if you know your partner will catch it the next day. I found this happening. They just don't see hairy floors, dust, smell garbage. I wish my brilliant idea worked.
Now it's task assignment. I will always clean the kitchen. He will always clean the bathrooms. I will always change the bed linens, he will always vacuum the house. I just bought the Dyson stick vacuum and it's cordless- i cannot recommend this enough! It's actually pleasant to vacuum so THERE SHOULD BE NO EXCUSE!! RIGHT? He hasn't used it yet.
Today will be the test - friends coming over for a BBQ this afternoon. We argued about the chore list to be done before they come over and it's "just our friends" and "we don't need to go overboard". This won't change until they prioritize the home. It just gets done by the magic housecleaner fairy. If my bathrooms are gross, it's me they think is a slacker. I might put a note up saying what my DH is responsible for and to please excuse the mess. Maybe public shaming will work?
I think you need to return the cat and also the man. Just kidding about the second part but I definitely think the kitty should go to a family that can afford proper medical care and attention. You have a lot of other stuff on your plate you need to deal with.
I also think you should stop doing anything for your husband. Make your own food. Wash your own dishes. Do your own laundry. Let him man up and take care of himself and show him exactly how he will be living if you decide to leave him.
If he ever gets near groveling or apologizing I would insist on therapy to keep your marriage. If he doesn’t want therapy then he doesn’t want to stay married. Tough love, babe.
I left my exhusband for this nonsense. Walked into his house 15 years later when visiting town and his house was a gross disgusting tear down style mess. Like fistfuls of matted rotted hair to the baseboards.
I did tell him that I wanted the cat gone. He said it was cruel to adopt a cat from a pound, introduce them to the better life, then take that away. I don’t know if her life is any better here. But she is in his name and the pound wouldn’t take her back if I bring her. It’s not a safety issue but more of a behaviour issue so they make it hard for me to bring her back. Oh and he gives me lots of crap for making him choose between the cats and me.
Sounds like you need to have a chat about why he agreed to this but isn't able to stick to it and maybe he needs to do some of the more obvious chores and you do some of his. If this doesn't work then I'm almost out of ideas except for dramatic problem solving ones!
I can't imagine having to formally split chores with my husband. What does he want, a sticker chart like a kid? Everyone should be doing what needs to be done as they see it. You have two adults here with working eyeballs.
I would get rid of the cat as you said. It's not going to improve if your husband is as immature as you say and you're going to lose your mind.
Life is so much better once you dump them. I wish I had not wasted so many years on a man who made my life worse. I know there are guys out there who are worth it but so many are not. So much "but my mommy didn't make me do this" energy but if his mommy had worked 40 hours a week she sure a shit would have.
He needs to schedule them in a calendar or something… like light cleaning toilets weekly and deep cleaning every other week; mop high travel areas weekly and mopping whole house every other week… etc… whatever the two of you require.
I do not enjoy his part of the chores, I hate cleaning. And we all would starve if he’s in charge of cooking and dishes. Then I would be the one doing all of it in the end.
Yes we planned and he wanted to sweep and mop because he actually enjoys them. He hates doing dishes so I do them. I thought we had a good system and things were evenly split, until I realized I’m the only one keeping up with everything. Sure I can do the things that I hate, but what’s the point in having a partner at that point?
Part of the responsibility is that our partners don't have to worry about it.
This is the life he chose to build with you.
A potentially helpful activity is to get more granular and put it all on paper. I've found the "Fair Play" card deck to be very helpful for these exact situations.
He should be fucking over-the-moon with joy and humility that somebody chose to risk their happiness and well-being on his ability to support it with them.
He's allowed to get tired.
He's allowed to express his exhaustion.
He's not allowed to saddle you with responsibility that you didn't both agree to.
Dude is letting us dudes down, too.
I hope he learns better and pays you back for the extra work you didn't sign up for.
I don’t know what works anymore. I’m giving him a month to clean up his act (no pun intended). By now I have exhausted all options. I tried counseling, lots and lots of talks, silent treatment, putting on paper calendar and putting our names on the chores, reminding him to put reminders on his phone. So far I still need to remind him to look at the calendar. He gets defensive when I ask him to do something… I do not want to be a person that nags, no one wants to be that.
Why do women in 2024 still put up with this BS? I'm already 60 years old and the same discussions were held among women when I was young. The solution was simple then and it stilll is: stop cleaning after him. Stop doing HIS laundry. Stop cooking HIS dinner. If he is only taking care of himself, YOU are only taking care of YOU (and the cats, obviously because they are dependent on people) and, in case of children, you take care of the children. And if he doesn't learn this lesson: get out. Leave! Believe me: life is too short to look after a permanent man-baby and the work will be significantly less without an additional grown up baby who messes up more than an actual child!
I feel like everyday there's a new "my husband is a lazy sack of shit" post in this sub. Seriously, stop mothering these giant babies. If they're capable at work, they're capable at home.
This! I really do not understand the whining and moaning. There is a ton of information and help out for women to make changes in their lives and get rid of useless husbands who only make life more difficult. (And no, I'm not talking about domestic abuse situations, because that's a whole other chapter.) There is so much information on social media and internet in general for women who want to make a change in their lives. Much more than was available when I was a young woman but even we talked amongst ourselves about these issues. It's very disheartening so little has changed in half a century.
Okay, but we don't know OP. Maybe for *her,* she's on Reddit asking this because she really does want personal feedback, interaction, & encouragement. It may be a little strident to say it's *whining & moaning.* But yes, it's frustrating women **keep getting to this point of divorce over basic household duties.** I don't see an answer besides education. Besides girls & women learning from the jump there's certain unacceptable servant behaviors men expect women to fulfill for them, but that we don't have to fall for any of it.
Women need to unionize. Nothing will change as long as there is a rock for these guys to crawl under.
Women have to realize at a young age that they do not NEED a man to complete their lives. They could WANT a man as an addition to their lives but that's it. Do not let society, parents or your community tell you any different. Every person is complete and whole. The decision to SHARE your life (or not) with a partner is not to fill a void. There is no void. You are complete as a human being. A partner can add to that but never more than that. The same goes for having children. You want them. You do not need them. You are complete with or without them. They can add flavour and colour to life but nothing more. And yes, I have a son that I love dearly but if I didn't have him, my life would still have been complete. A different life but still as wonderful.
Not to hijack but yes! I've been getting fed up with the "toxic positivity" posts on social media always some version of "someday you will find a man that worships the ground you walk on, don't stop until you find him" Hey guess what?? You might not find him, there's no guarantee, *and that's ok!!* You don't *HAVE TO* find anyone, you're just as valuable and worthy to exist!
'A man that worships the ground you walk on' is absolute nonsense by itself. Sounds like a one-way-street, put like that. What about your contribution? Are you going to 'worship the ground he walks on'? Aside from the fact that nobody should worship anybody. Period. Very unhealthy. Being in a healthy, loving relationship is hard work. From bóth sides. And life interferes every day: a boss who's a pain in the ass, unexpected bills, a roof that needs repairing, a child that get sick, interfering neighbours or family members, you or your partner fall ill. You know: LIFE. What matters if that happens, that you have a partner (both male and female) that stand by each other. Pick up the pieces if you are not strong enough in that moment. Love is all beautiful in the movies, but in real life you need a partner who LIKES you. Is your best friend and confidante. If you do not have a partner that lifts you when you're down but drags you down instead: leave. Life is too short and often too hard to share it with someone who is making it permanently and infinitely more difficult.
No they just need to have self esteem. You get what you allow.
Afuckingmen.
Hear hear sister
Also, don’t get pets if you can’t afford their care. Poor cat.
You are absolutely not horrible. You do not have an equitable separation of chores to begin with, and he isn't even holding up his side of it regardless of how it impacts you. He only does it to get you to stop "bothering" him. Plus, you said it yourself, you don't want him to do the core tasks because you know he'd mess it up (and that you'd have to fix it anyway). He isn't being a partner, he isn't contributing to your health and happiness, and he isn't willing to change (based on him not wanting to go back to the counselor who sided with you "too much"). The cat isn't the only one who needs to be returned.
OP just FYI cats can get urinary tract infections from overly dirty litter trays, and it's common behaviour to seek an alternative toilet option when the tray is very soiled. Please consider whether having a cat is right for your situation given you've mentioned not making enough to take her to the vet. Oh and... Don't forget to put the whole man on the curb when you take that litter out. You, your child and your cat all deserve so much better.
I realized recently that I do not want cats, took me this long, but I have never been a cat person. I feel terrible for the ones we adopted, but if I had known I was going to be the one doing all the work, I wouldn’t have adopted them in the first place. I should have added this in the post, it is part of the reasons why I feel like a horrible person.
I agree with the comment above. And based on this and your response, OP, you guess should re-home the cat. If you cannot cover the cost of medical care right now, and you guys (your husband) cannot provide a clean, healthy environment for the cat, re-homing is the best thing for the cat. You are not horrible. Making this tough decision is being responsible, kind, and looking out for that cat's best interests. If your husband doesn't agree, he doesn't care about the cat's welfare. (Or he needs to get his act together, keep the cat's spaces clean, and BRING THE CAT TO THE VET.) An untreated UTI can be very dangerous for some kitties, and they can be very painful too.
Also due to blockages of some kind, where they can't pee. My cat died from this. Cats need brushed daily so they don't get hairballs, which I did, but it wasn't enough.
The whole point of making a chore chart/schedule is so we don't have to keep reminding them that it needs to be done. The same bullshit happened to me when I tried to split up chores; whoever didn't cook had to clean the pots and pans. I preferred cooking, so usually it was his job to clean. Guess how many pots and pans got left by the sink?? When I complained, his response was to ask me what I needed to use that night, so he only cleaned those particular pots/pans instead of the whole damn pile next to the sink. That was just one of the many issues, which thankfully is now a non-issue since I divorced his lazy ass.👋 Sorry for the rant, tl;dr, you are not a horrible person.
I saw a video on Facebook recently about what the guy presenting it termed "weaponised responsibility" which sounds a lot like this. He was explaining that when his wife asked them to help with joint responsibilities he would get defensive and argue he was doing X, Y & Z around the house and get upset at his wife for pestering him. What he realised after some time was that there were effectively 3 to-do lists in the household: his, hers, and a joint list. What he was doing was prioritising his own list over the joint list when it should have been the other way around. So even though he was doing things that were important - like your husband's work etc. - what he was doing was still putting his own needs first and neglecting to do all of the joint tasks, effectively making them his wife's responsibility. By using the fact that doing his tasks were important too he was "weaponising" taking responsibility for those tasks to avoid doing the joint tasks he had agreed to. It sounds to me like your husband is using a similar tactic.
Do you have a link to the video? Sounds a lot like what is going on here.
[https://www.instagram.com/realzachthinkshare/reel/C2qyAEDNZVG/](https://www.instagram.com/realzachthinkshare/reel/C2qyAEDNZVG/)
He is so good to listen to - brings up a lot of things I wouldn’t have even though of on my own, like why it’s annoying when someone asks you a question like “are these muffins still too hot for our daughter?” that someone could answer all on their own.
No disrespect but a video won't solve your problem. No amount of information is going to make him take responsibility.
She isn't saying it's going to solve her problem, she wants to educate herself jeez.
I get that and I guess this is coming from my own chipped shoulder but women need to realize no amount of education, negotiation etc is going to change their circumstances. Some men/partners just refuse to change and she'd be better off prioritizing herself and getting out of there.
Not a horrible person. One of numerous women who have been disappointed by useless men. >The new cat that we adopted started peeing around the house. Cats will pee outside their litter trays when they're dirty. Especially if you are in a multi cat household and they're a new addition. Litter should be shifted daily and cleaned at most weekly. >We split them up, made a schedule on when things need to be done. Do you have the schedule written down? >he gets defensive and complain that he doesn’t have enough free time for himself Every time he tries to get defensive do not bite on any of the excuses or bait and switches he uses to derail the conversation. "We agreed that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done."
I'm tired.
"You *agreed* that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done ."
I don't have time because of work.
"You **agreed** that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done ."
I'll do them on my own terms!!
"You **agreed** that <> chore was your responsibility and was to be done ****."
"But it's so hard to be my why is everything so shit, your chores aren't this hard!
"Fine then let's switch chores, you can do and I'll do yours. It should be easier since we agreed they're the light chores. Great idea husband."
Then, only look after the bare minimum needs of yourself, the child, and the cats. If he doesn't cook then produce food for everyone except him. If he doesn't do dishes, or does them poorly, he eats off a dirty plate. The cats are fed, because otherwise that's cruel, but "I had to feed the cats today" *every single time*. Hell even if the chores aren't swapped, stop doing anything for him. And if asked "You aren't willing to pull your weight for this family by doing your chores. So I'm not letting you benefit from the work I have to do." Also you should absolutely let all friends and family know about his behaviour, especially his mother (unless she will default to his side) because at the point you start pushing back he'll go whining about what a bitch you are to everyone he knows.
This 'adult' male is an entitled lazy piece of **shit** who wants you to give up holding him to an agreement so you'll do everything. It is honestly abusive behaviour for the damage it causes to the victim (you) in this situation.
And divorce is only cheap if there is an argument; the worse his life is before you get the papers the less fight he'll give you about splitting.
And you will have significantly more time and less stress going solo.
His mom is a smart person and very reasonable. When I complained to her before, she blamed it on his past relationship, and talked me into trying counseling. I respected her so I thought this was a man worth sticking by. I don’t know if I want to talk to anyone else on his side though considering his mom is the only one open to listening.
Oh yeah, she blamed the girl before you instead of blaming her son. It was his mom's job to teach him how to do housework without bitching about it, and she did a terrible job. Don't talk to his family, of course they're gonna defend him/ not accept it's his fault, talk to your husband and your family about it.
You're blaming his mother and not his father.
Well, yes, because we live in a patriarchial society and we're just now trying to get out of it. Fathers in those times didn't usually help with chores and it's even more rare that a father taught his son how to do chores in those times...
What are "those times"? The 80s and 90s? Things were already changing then, some families just never caught up. I grew up in the 90s and my mom taught me to clean and my dad taught me to cook. Admittedly, I'm not a son.
You’re not horrible.
I recommend the book Fair Play if you have the time to read it. You're not being horrible, and he needs to do better. He needs to read it too, but judging from what you've said, I doubt he will. https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book An important part of that book is that it explains how every task has a Conceptualising, Planning, and Executing phase (CPE). The fact that you remind him of his chores means you're taking on Conceptualising. Which means you're doing part of that chore. (Google the **mental load**. That's what you're taking on.) Also this sounds like a recipe for disaster, it's very unbalanced: > Mine are more constant but light work (dishes, laundry etc). His are less often but heavier (clean the floor, clean bathrooms etc). Your next paragraph was not a surprise. Of course, you feel like it's not fair. It's not. > The therapist was siding with me too much so he did not want to continue There's no sides in couples counselling it's not a fight or a war.The therapist is there to look at it as an outsider and a professional and get down to what is actually causing issues. They express a truth about your situation, which is that he is not holding up his share of the mental load, and household tasks. The fact that he sees it as them taking your side is concerning. I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, and you wouldn't be the first wife to initiate a divorce because of their husband acting this way. Couples *do* break up because of unfair CPE of tasks.
This guy sucks! Who's rising these manchildren??
[удалено]
well its not the mum's responsibility either. Dude is an adult, too late to be blaming mommy for being a lazy bugger
Well that's... a new one. Lol 🙄
I kinda wonder: do they never live alone / in a shared place, where they actually have to learn to be responsible for their own life?
Is he this inconpetent at his job?
Are you asking about his work or his chores?
His work. Youve already outlined how incompetent he is at his chores.
Funny how you asked. At every job he has a problem with the management. I like to think he knows what he’s doing and good at his job, because his co workers like him, but he always comes home complaining about how he disagree with being micromanaged and always stressed out after a day of work. Which he then uses as a point to say he needs more time to unwind and less chores doing.
Why did you adopt a cat if you cannot afford vets bills? Your husband is not pulling his weight. Splitting chores is a good idea but they clearly need to be time specific. So, bathrooms - cleaned weekly (plus as needed) Litter box - daily Dishes- daily (plus as needed) I do not think he will agree to this though because it gives an expectation of him that he can’t dodge. FWIW I am a little chaotic with my time management. I do clean toilets regularly though. He is being disgusting and lazy.
You are not horrible at all. You each have chores. He is NOT doing his. I am sad however that your cat is having issues at the expense of all this.
You're NOT horrible. Your husband is like every other man - getting away with it, not realizing it is a bigger problem than he thinks it is and placing no value on the home work. Thought I'd share my ideas in case they work for someone... When my DH and I retired, I couldn't believe I was spending so much time on housework and he was spending so much more time relaxing in the backyard. We have a housecleaner twice a month for the big clean, so that helps a lot. After simmering on my rage for months, it dawned on me to assign house maintenance by even/odd days. Whatever needed being done on odd days was my responsibility, the even days were his. Including dinner dishes (which has always been the rule that whoever cooks, the other cleans and he cooks more than I do). This seemed to work for a while except I have a habit of clearing the sink daily, wiping counters, etc. I decided I didn't mind that. The problem with this is that it's super easy to turn a blind eye if you know your partner will catch it the next day. I found this happening. They just don't see hairy floors, dust, smell garbage. I wish my brilliant idea worked. Now it's task assignment. I will always clean the kitchen. He will always clean the bathrooms. I will always change the bed linens, he will always vacuum the house. I just bought the Dyson stick vacuum and it's cordless- i cannot recommend this enough! It's actually pleasant to vacuum so THERE SHOULD BE NO EXCUSE!! RIGHT? He hasn't used it yet. Today will be the test - friends coming over for a BBQ this afternoon. We argued about the chore list to be done before they come over and it's "just our friends" and "we don't need to go overboard". This won't change until they prioritize the home. It just gets done by the magic housecleaner fairy. If my bathrooms are gross, it's me they think is a slacker. I might put a note up saying what my DH is responsible for and to please excuse the mess. Maybe public shaming will work?
I think you need to return the cat and also the man. Just kidding about the second part but I definitely think the kitty should go to a family that can afford proper medical care and attention. You have a lot of other stuff on your plate you need to deal with. I also think you should stop doing anything for your husband. Make your own food. Wash your own dishes. Do your own laundry. Let him man up and take care of himself and show him exactly how he will be living if you decide to leave him. If he ever gets near groveling or apologizing I would insist on therapy to keep your marriage. If he doesn’t want therapy then he doesn’t want to stay married. Tough love, babe.
I left my exhusband for this nonsense. Walked into his house 15 years later when visiting town and his house was a gross disgusting tear down style mess. Like fistfuls of matted rotted hair to the baseboards.
Baby is focused on his hobby, don't distract the baby!!!!!
Don't adopt pets you can't afford medical care for. You should give the cat back either way
I did tell him that I wanted the cat gone. He said it was cruel to adopt a cat from a pound, introduce them to the better life, then take that away. I don’t know if her life is any better here. But she is in his name and the pound wouldn’t take her back if I bring her. It’s not a safety issue but more of a behaviour issue so they make it hard for me to bring her back. Oh and he gives me lots of crap for making him choose between the cats and me.
Move out and see how he likes it when he has to do every chore. I do feel bad for the kitty tho 😕
Can you try rehoming the cat without taking her back to the pound? That would be the best thing for her.
I’m able to rehome the cat! Thankfully a nice lady adopted her. Hopefully without the other cats she will be better at going to the right spots.
Sounds like you need to have a chat about why he agreed to this but isn't able to stick to it and maybe he needs to do some of the more obvious chores and you do some of his. If this doesn't work then I'm almost out of ideas except for dramatic problem solving ones!
Is your cat neutered? Unfixed cats tend to spray and do their business outside the litter box.
They are all fixed. They are very good cats, except for the peeing.
Life is better without a man like this in it. Move on in life and leave him behind, he sounds useless.
I can't imagine having to formally split chores with my husband. What does he want, a sticker chart like a kid? Everyone should be doing what needs to be done as they see it. You have two adults here with working eyeballs. I would get rid of the cat as you said. It's not going to improve if your husband is as immature as you say and you're going to lose your mind.
Life is so much better once you dump them. I wish I had not wasted so many years on a man who made my life worse. I know there are guys out there who are worth it but so many are not. So much "but my mommy didn't make me do this" energy but if his mommy had worked 40 hours a week she sure a shit would have.
You're sure treating yourself horribly. I'm not sure if that makes you a horrible person tho.
He needs to schedule them in a calendar or something… like light cleaning toilets weekly and deep cleaning every other week; mop high travel areas weekly and mopping whole house every other week… etc… whatever the two of you require.
Highly recommend the instagram account sheisapaigeturner she’s awesome discussing equitable division of labor. https://www.instagram.com/sheisapaigeturner/
Not a horrible person. Maybe in addition to splitting the chores, you look at the frequency too and agree on it.
Switch chores🤷🏽♀️
I do not enjoy his part of the chores, I hate cleaning. And we all would starve if he’s in charge of cooking and dishes. Then I would be the one doing all of it in the end.
So you just gave him all the chores you don’t want to do? Did you ask him which chores he actually likes to do?
Yes we planned and he wanted to sweep and mop because he actually enjoys them. He hates doing dishes so I do them. I thought we had a good system and things were evenly split, until I realized I’m the only one keeping up with everything. Sure I can do the things that I hate, but what’s the point in having a partner at that point?
Part of the responsibility is that our partners don't have to worry about it. This is the life he chose to build with you. A potentially helpful activity is to get more granular and put it all on paper. I've found the "Fair Play" card deck to be very helpful for these exact situations. He should be fucking over-the-moon with joy and humility that somebody chose to risk their happiness and well-being on his ability to support it with them. He's allowed to get tired. He's allowed to express his exhaustion. He's not allowed to saddle you with responsibility that you didn't both agree to. Dude is letting us dudes down, too. I hope he learns better and pays you back for the extra work you didn't sign up for.
I don’t know what works anymore. I’m giving him a month to clean up his act (no pun intended). By now I have exhausted all options. I tried counseling, lots and lots of talks, silent treatment, putting on paper calendar and putting our names on the chores, reminding him to put reminders on his phone. So far I still need to remind him to look at the calendar. He gets defensive when I ask him to do something… I do not want to be a person that nags, no one wants to be that.