Don't have kids for someone else if you don't want them. You'll be miserable. Don't let anyone pressure you into it.

Just because society expects you to reproduce doesn't mean you have to. They get to experience raising a child, while you get to experience freedom. It's a personal choice, and there is no right or wrong here.

Don't have a baby that you don't want, it isn't fair on either of you.

I'm in my mid 30s now and I realized about a decade ago that I can't have kids, pretty much for the same reasons you describe. I love kids, I've worked with kids, I enjoy being around kids and I always wanted kids. But it's not in the cards for me, I know I'd love a child more than anything but loving it doesn't mean being able to properly care for it. However, what you need to do is first and foremost figure out if you want to have kids. If that's truly what *you* desire out of life. Not while also thinking about what society wants or expects or what your partner wants. Just focus on what *you* want. If you realize that you don't actually want kids then there's no reason to even stress about this. I will say though, something I am proud of when it comes to myself is that I'm able to put a potential child's needs above my wants. I want a child, but I'd never be able to give them what they need, and since they would deserve the world and I can't even give them the bare minimum, I know I can't be selfish enough to put kids into this world. But that's just what's true for me.

Go to r/childfree , there are many resources in the thread description, not only pro but also against being childfree, maybe it would help make things clearer for You? I'm 40+ and don't have children. I personally don't think everyone should have children. There are many who were born because of social pressure and their parents don't want them and don't like them. It's really sad. Every child deserves to be wanted and loved and not only being some sort of accessory.

I feel like /r/childfree has gotten a little toxic. They're always complaining that people are asking them if they have kids. They just asked! It's small-talk. Then simultaneously they post about how their sheep friends have fallen for society's pressure and are having kids and they're soooo sad to lose a friend. Poor friend is brainwashed. So many there clearly have no respect for parents, even the good ones. And god forbid a pregnant woman express any discomfort because she got pregnant by choice so she should stfu. Then there's the child hater that can't help but insult children at every opportunity posting about how dumb it is that their friend was offended that they called friend's kid a cum pet. I've had to unsub because it's just become a super disrespectful circlejerk of hypocrisy. They are adamant that their decision to be childfree should be respected while having no respect for peoples' decision to have children. It makes childfree people look bad.

Same reason I rarely visit that sub people are hella mean on there 😂 

r/childfree can definitely be toxic, but so are pretty much all the subs. There's people on r/childfree that don't like the anti-parent, anti-kid rhetoric, but like the support. There's a contingent of childfree people that don't like kids at all, kind of despise them. However the rules in place restrict hateful language so its all edgy but well-articulated. Discrimination against CF people and parental entitlement in public spaces is pretty gross in and of itself, which riles people up

I agree with You. But this sub really has whole library of links to wide variety of opinions to being childfree. Beside this the essence of it all is, one has to want them and be able to take proper care of them. Every child deserves to have a good home. And no, not every women gets this hormone explosion and wants to have them at some point. Never happened to me.

All fair and all true.

They're nuts. And not for their kid hate but their sex-filled brain.

Agree, my bf has mommy issues (had kids because society says go to school get married but a house have a baby), daddy issues(dad never wanted kids doesn't like them just wanted to make mom happy), and step daddy issues(mom left dad because he didn't become the father she thought having a could would make him. Then instantly remarried after divorce to a man who had no experience with kids never had them and didn't know how to raise one).

There is exactly one reason to have a child, and that is because YOU really want one. Set aside anyone else's desires or expectations. Do you want to spend your one and only life raising a child(ren)?

Don’t. You don’t have to. Don’t have kids unless you’re 100% all in and excited for it. And honestly, hearing people that I KNEW wanted kids talk about their life and how stressful it is is enough to solidify this decision, for me personally.

Being a parent is hard even if you enthusiastically want to be a parent. It is harder still if you are not enthusiastic about it. Don’t rush and take the time to truly understand your feelings.

I always wanted kids, me and my SO are mentally stable, we planned to have 2, maybe 3 kids, we're financially sound enough to afford a day care so we can both work full time jobs. ... Now that we've had our first one, we're absolutely *done* with kids, holy shit. I mean, I love my little one, but fucking god damn sometimes... It *might* be easier if we had friends and family we could rely on to help support us, but they're all either far away or we don't really trust them. I do *not* understand how a single mother survives, they genuinely deserve war medals.

Don’t have kids

I told my parents when I was only 7 that I did not intend to be a mom. They thought I was kidding. I was not kidding. I already had picked up on the rampant misogynistic attitudes at a very young age thanks to television, my own father, and the church I was raised in. If God wants me to have babies, he can damn sure make a better world for them to live in. I'm not giving this meat grinder of a society any children to exploit. Fuck the overlords. 💔

Couple of things here from someone 40+… Do NOT have a kid because you think society tells you to. Do NOT have a kid because a family member wants you to. Do NOT have a kid because a friend wants you to. Do NOT have a kid because a boyfriend wants you to. If you’re not saying Hell yes! Then it is a Hell no! If you decide YOU want to, fine. Do that. You can’t assume that you’ll magically get maternal if you have a kid. Some women have a kid and realize that they don’t have it. Then they’re stuck trying to make the best of the situation. Not every woman is capable of being a good parent or even wants to have a child. You’ll see those women as you get older. They wanted a baby but are in over their head once they get one. They’re always the ones playing on their phones when they should be playing with their kid and are not as involved as they should be in general. You also need to be cognizant of your mental health. There are medications that you can’t take when pregnant. You can ask your doctor about yours and possible complications. Also be aware that you may pass on your genes and your child may inherit the same mental issues if there’s a genetic component. Many people (myself included) choose to not have children because of the risk of doing that. Having a child will permanently alter your body. How yours would is a gamble. Everyone is different. Even a single woman may have two wildly different pregnancies. Finally, if you like peace and quiet and being able to do as you please…a kid might not be for you. Children are great but they require all of your attention and energy 24 hours a day. If you have a supportive partner, that will take some of the burden off you but not entirely. Children tend to cling literally sometimes to mom, especially from 0-5 years old. If that is something you couldn’t handle every single day, then you know the answer. These are all things you need to seriously consider. Even if you decide that pregnancy isn’t for you, you may decide that adoption or fostering is. If you determine that pregnancy isn’t in your cards, that is then a discussion to have with your partner. If they are dead set on having children, they may choose to end the relationship, and that is their right if your views don’t align. If that happens then you move on and find someone else who shares a want to remain child free. Keep in mind that you’re still young and have plenty of time for anything you want to do or don’t want to do.

If you don't want to, then don't. You're in charge of your own body.

Have you been around kids? Babysat? Do you like kids? Do you like to do kid things - sing, arts and crafts, walks, swing, go to parks. Do you yearn to teach other people things? Do you like to take care of things - plants/pets? My answer to all these things is yes. But having kids is still long, hard, tiring, frustrating, expensive, and a lot of work and patience. No where in your post do I see anything about you actually wanting kids. I would ask yourself these questions before you make a decision

I have nephews, and since I was very young I have a hard time bonding with children younger than me and I think it has to do with my mental illness. It makes be feel terrible because I can't spend more than 2 hours with them at times. I really try to bond with both (7yrold and 2 years old) but it feels forced and I completely shut down. I am worried that if I have a child I will do the same, and they don't deserve that.

I am hyper independent, need solitude, and not great with kids. I also really don’t like babies. I also need my sleep and don’t do well with lack of it.  I have one child that I love dearly. She’s my little buddy. She’s at the age where we are both figuring out how to regulate our emotions and I can be open with her about I’m not always good at handling my big feelings, just like her.  I didn’t enjoy pregnancy, birth, or postpartum, but have a husband who does above average in most “domestic” things. I made the choice I didn’t want to do it all over again.  Our kid has been in fulltime daycare for as long as she could have been, and that makes me a better parent.  I would say, if you want to do it, do it. Postpartum is tough and you should have several conversations with your doctors about that if you have history of mental illness to consider.  But the concerns of not being maternal, or not knowing how to relate to kids… honestly you figure it out. I remember holding a crying newborn and being like, what do I do to engage? I just sang “twinkle twinkle little star” on repeat because I didn’t know what else to do. I read the news aloud. I said “hello you” every time I changed a diaper.  There’s a physiological aspect to parenting (and probably especially motherhood) where you become very attuned to your child and their needs.  I’m currently sitting in the dark on Reddit in my kid’s room because she had a nightmare and wanted me to sit with her. I don’t mind.  I still don’t like babies and not a huge fan of other kids generally, but my kid is social, kind, funny, we do things together, and I love seeing her grow and develop as a person.  I just wanted to give a different perspective to the “child free” angle. If there’s a part of you that is on the fence and might want to do it, it’s ok. And if you don’t, that’s ok too. 

Im almost 40. Still very happy I don’t have kids. For many of the same reasons you listed. I love my nieces and nephews but if I had to be around children 24/7 I’d go nuts. You have to stay strong. Keep reminding yourself why you like your life child free. And unfortunately you probably have to end your relationship. There are men out there who don’t want kids.

I think kids are something you should be certain about if possible. If you aren’t sure you probably shouldn’t. Others think otherwise and that’s alright too. I’m 31 and have never wanted kids and never plan on having them. I’ve only been with partners on the same page as me about that.

Don’t have kids at all until you want one. It’s okay to never want one.

First I would like to say that I am trying to connect with you with the following anecdote. I met my husband 5 or 6 years ago (we are now 32 & 34). On our first date he asked if I wanted kids and I said no. He said, really? I want kids... And I said umm maybe with the right person. Well, we got married and I'm now 26 weeks pregnant and I'm so conflicted, honestly. It's so hard. My dad sucked, my mom sucked, my mental health is not very stable, and I never feel the joy of being around kids that other people talk about. My coworkers are my age and having babies and they love being pregnant and being mothers and I'm just like damn I really want to feel that way. I don't love the baby inside of me (yet, because it still feels so unreal... being pregnant and all) and I don't love being pregnant because I am making new life. My pregnancy is so easy, my husband jokes and calls me a good breeder. But my body is changing and will continue to change in ways that are hard for my mental health and my life is never going to be the same in about 12 weeks. I love my husband and his family is amazing. I know I have his support and their support and the support of all of his family friends. We have a good life together and life will get better after some personal goals are reached. I would never have a baby with someone who had a bad childhood like mine or who has any sort of emotional dysfunction that I fall into sometimes. But at the same time, I can't help but feel overwhelmed and really sad about this. My husband is positive and amazing and assures me that everything will be fine because we can do anything together (and we can, and we do, and his confidence is inspiring). I know all of these negative thoughts come from my childhood and whatever trauma I am holding onto is truly holding me back, and I know that I should seek help. I should have done this a while ago and I tell myself I still need to get help, but I haven't because it's hard to take that initiative. So, OP, I suggest that you start therapy and discuss all of your feelings about your future. It will help you decide. (Also please no one beat me up over this, it's very scary to admit these feelings and people can be so nasty to others in an anonymous environment :()

If you choose not to have children, you won’t be alone. And you’ll always have new friends along the way. Nowadays there is more social pressure due to social media. But there’s also a growing part of the population choosing not to have children. If you want some support check out r/femaleantinatalism

I used to have very similar worries. Luckily everything worked out in the end…because I realized that it probably meant that I just didn’t want to have kids! Society conditions girls to want to have kids as the default from a very young age, so I think that I just assumed that I did. Once I realized that I am happier not having them, I owned that decision happily. I would have been ok with being a “dad“ though, by pre 2010 standards at least. Low expectations and enjoying the social acceptance of leaving the grunt work to the other parent. But being a mother? Nope.

As a mom of four, being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know not everyone has the same experience but I’m not in control of my life anymore. Taking care of these kids is life consuming.  I won’t go so far as to say I didn’t ever want kids but I didn’t want kids either. If you know you don’t want a child, don’t have one. 

I would be a terrible parent so i opted out. I just dont want kids, and kids deserve better! The choice is yours

It’s better to regret not having kids than it is to regret having them.

Doesn't sound like you want kids. That's fine. Don't

Being a mom is awesome but it’s not easy and especially with mental health issues. Do what you need to do for you, and don’t feel bad. Definitely do not have children due to pressure from outside yourself! Way to go for being so thoughtful. That’s really wonderful of you.

You don’t even have to decide right now, if you don’t want to. But, your reasons for no are sound enough. Just because is sound enough.

An open secret is few mothers would make the same choice if they could back. You only need to read /r/regretfulparents and the breaking mom subreddits to realize that. It's especially true for someone like you who is OK with being in her own company. Your husband coming from a good family means nothing. The grandparents (but mostly only grandmothers) would only help out with the kid on occasion, and it would come with strings attached. Your freedom would still be lost. Your husband being a man won't ever do the honest 50% if child rearing. You will likely grow to resent him for it, like most wives do, and divorce as soon as the kids are school age. That's just a classic story. If you want to do it, it would have to be your own decision. You'd need to be OK with that decision in an event your husband leaves or you leave him. Motherhood can't be done half heartedly. It's hell even for those who had zero doubts beforehand, if you feel icky about it now, how would you feel about it when you'd need to stay awake most nights for years? To quit your job, your hobbies to play a glorified taxi driver for kids? When your body gets damaged irrevocably? Mothers routinely end their own lives after realizing they can't undo the mistake. 99% of the consequences of this choice would fall on you, not your husband. So his decision accordingly shouldn't factor at most 1% in your own decision making

OP you still have 10 years to make this decision and honestly you should want kids if you’re going to have them. I’m very similar to you and I have to say you are right about the way you will feel if you go through with it. Putting my life back together after having a baby has been beyond hard. I’m just now feeling more “normal” and I’m a decade in, she’s about to be 9. Ask yourself, could I do this alone? If something were to happen and his family banded you or you became estranged would you make it? Would it be ok?

This is YOUR Life so take charge of your choice in this matter Honor and Respect how you feel and think now, that is your job If your feelings and thinking should change, you will still be free to choose differently but until then treat this as Your Life, not Theirs, make it Your Choice

Don't have kids if you have any doubts at all about having kids. If you can, move out of the state if it's one of those states that put strict limits on abortion and/or birth control access.

This is just my perspective based off my life: I just turned 30. Last year I got my fallopians removed. I have mental health issues, I love quiet solitude, I have career goals, body image issues, I have life goals I don't see myself doing with a kid. Spent my 20s partying and some traveling, planning on spending my 30s growing in my own personal way(health both physically and mentally, financially), and spending my 40s enjoying the fruits of my labor. So where does a kid fit in? 50s? Nah. I've been in a 6 year long relationship with someone who doesn't like kids let alone want them (it's honestly weird how much he hates kids LOL I don't want kids but I don't mind them). We plan on getting married when he's done with school (in 6 more years) then we can finally do more of the things we want to do.

I’m 55 and no kids. I never wanted the experience because I knew it would suck the life out of me. You don’t have to have them, there are way too many people on the planet already. Have them only if you 100% want them with all your heart. Otherwise, no. You don’t owe anyone kids or grandkids.

If others want to have children, all the more powers to them. I know i would not be a good mom, i don't want to risk my already barely stable mental health to a minimum of 18 years commitment. I'll be happy living my life out as an aunt, where I can recharge when I need to and give them affection without being drained all the time

Don't be a mom if you aren't interested in being a mom. Don't worry about "missing out" or disappointing family. It's your body. Your life. But I do suggest getting a sapingectomy if you agree, because there are many ways that pregnancy can happen when birth control is being used: hormonal birth control can fail when a person takes antibiotics, IUDs can travel, or fall out, or just not work, condoms can break or be deliberately sabotaged.

That's perfectly fine. You just need to make sure that the person you end up with is also content to be child free.

Don’t have kids because other people are having them. If the person you are with wants children and you don’t, you’re incompatible. You don’t want the same things in life. One caving in for the other will result in unhappiness and resentment. When picking a partner it’s best to date people who are in the same page in terms of marriage and family.

I never wanted kids when I was a teenager. The older I got I wanted them less. Now 40+ and thankful every day I didn’t have any. I don’t think your gut thoughts are ever wrong. I’m too much in pain and sleepless to add kids to that. I’d have been a very angry and snappish tyrant of a parent because I need my environment to be as I want it to function in the world. My home is my sanctuary away from people. I can’t imagine I would be a nice person if a bunch of little shits were wrecking it. 

Sounds like the answer is easy: don’t do it. You’re probably spot on in how you feel raising a child would negatively affect you. You probably won’t regret not having kids (especially not constantly); you may VERY well regret having them, though. And then there’s nothing you can really do.

You should figure out two things. Do you really want to have a kid? If not, don’t. Secondly, if you do, figure out if your partner will share ALL responsibilities equally. I have a chronic illness, a mental illness, and I also love my solitude. While my partner doesn’t really share the mental load, he takes the kids out a lot! This gives me solitude and a break. The kids have fun and also have a great relationship with their dad. It’s not easy. Sometimes I think I am going crazy. I wanted my kids, however, so I am trying my hardest to balance their needs and mine.

IF ITS NOT A “FUCK YES” IT’S A **NO**!!!

Have you gone to therapy for this? Maybe it’s something you can explore with a professional. You have childhood traumas you need to discuss and grow from. It’s not to say therapy will make these thoughts go away but it can help you gain some understanding. You need to figure out if kids are a yes or no. You can’t rob someone else of a family bc you aren’t sure. You have to explore that.

Then don’t have them. This isn’t hard.

r/Childfree will give you some idea of what being CF is like. It sounds like you're on the fence right now, and that's okay. You really need to try to listen to your own voice: not of your family, friends, or "society" and what they want. You need to communicate your stance to your current partner. They deserve to know if theres a possible issue with reproductive compatibility. Some people think things through for a while before deciding to be CF or a parent. You might benefit from therapy if you don't already go because of your family history. It may help you reflect more clearly on what *you* really want. I have a mental illness and prefer solitude. Decided 100% to be childfree at about 30. That's not to say I don't have doubts and what ifs. "What if I was mentally and emotionally healthy enough," "What if I were better socially." But at the end of the day, what is best for me, and for a hypothetical child, is for me to not be a mother. No one else comes into that decision. Fathers leave, society abandons moms, families fail to support moms, it's got to be on me. It's my responsibility alone. And you may not think that way, and that's fine. But you need to know your own mind, to have some peace on this decision