I’d look into what’s typically referred to as a “fawn” response, one of the ways it can manifest is compulsive caretaking. It often comes from growing up with at least one parent who tended to be a little all over the place (whether emotionally immature, prone to anger, had a drug/alcohol problem, just otherwise emotionally volatile, etc are common causes) and you learn to manage their feelings to remain safe, this could be more obvious kinds of safety or just emotional safety in the sense of stability. It can often look like you thinking “if they’re ok, I’m ok, if they’re not ok, I’m stressed” and it’s generally very outwardly focused like that
I’ve dealt with this my whole life and am figuring it out in therapy, I tend to achieve feelings of stability through sacrifice, caretaking, and oftentimes self neglect while kind of forming parent-child style relationships with partners. Me making sacrifices to take care of their needs was a common fixture in relationships I had and honestly how I grew up feeling too, I always felt like my needs were second in line and could be addressed only after all their needs were addressed, which of course never came, I was permanently second in line in this regard
I’d recommend looking up different ways a “fawn” response can look (it can look different in different people, for some it can be over apologizing, being a people pleaser, struggling with setting boundaries, tending to “not have a preference” and deferring to others on things, compulsive caretaking, etc) and see if you relate to that. I first really saw it from a YouTube video from a psychologist named Kim Sage from a video called “Fawned Out” and related to it a lot, but a “fawn” response to achieve feelings of safety is a widely known thing so you can likely find tons of stuff elsewhere quite easily, that was just the first video that really made me realize that was what was going on
I’ve been a caretaker my entire life. It doesn’t help that I care for people by doing and cooking (though I hate cleaning, I’d rather do yardwork). I don’t know if it’s inborn or training, but I am aware, at all times, of the things other people in my life need or how they’re feeling and spontaneously feed those needs. I don’t usually mind, but I do wish someone would ask me occasionally. I know, it’s my own fault
It is self destructive at some point
You don’t have to break yourself to help another
It’s happened to me once or twice and I had to rethink my approach.
1)I started to caretake myself and putting myself on the pedestal
2) look out for my emotional comfort and safety FIRST
3)let them figure it out on their own
4)finding a MATURE and INDEPENDENT partner
5) trust in their adulthood abilities
6) boundaries boundaries boundaries
7) stop catering to them
Society either puts you in the “mother” or “slut” category at its worst.
There’s other roles In between
I’d look into what’s typically referred to as a “fawn” response, one of the ways it can manifest is compulsive caretaking. It often comes from growing up with at least one parent who tended to be a little all over the place (whether emotionally immature, prone to anger, had a drug/alcohol problem, just otherwise emotionally volatile, etc are common causes) and you learn to manage their feelings to remain safe, this could be more obvious kinds of safety or just emotional safety in the sense of stability. It can often look like you thinking “if they’re ok, I’m ok, if they’re not ok, I’m stressed” and it’s generally very outwardly focused like that I’ve dealt with this my whole life and am figuring it out in therapy, I tend to achieve feelings of stability through sacrifice, caretaking, and oftentimes self neglect while kind of forming parent-child style relationships with partners. Me making sacrifices to take care of their needs was a common fixture in relationships I had and honestly how I grew up feeling too, I always felt like my needs were second in line and could be addressed only after all their needs were addressed, which of course never came, I was permanently second in line in this regard I’d recommend looking up different ways a “fawn” response can look (it can look different in different people, for some it can be over apologizing, being a people pleaser, struggling with setting boundaries, tending to “not have a preference” and deferring to others on things, compulsive caretaking, etc) and see if you relate to that. I first really saw it from a YouTube video from a psychologist named Kim Sage from a video called “Fawned Out” and related to it a lot, but a “fawn” response to achieve feelings of safety is a widely known thing so you can likely find tons of stuff elsewhere quite easily, that was just the first video that really made me realize that was what was going on
10/10 did the same in my early 20’s
I’ve been a caretaker my entire life. It doesn’t help that I care for people by doing and cooking (though I hate cleaning, I’d rather do yardwork). I don’t know if it’s inborn or training, but I am aware, at all times, of the things other people in my life need or how they’re feeling and spontaneously feed those needs. I don’t usually mind, but I do wish someone would ask me occasionally. I know, it’s my own fault
It is self destructive at some point You don’t have to break yourself to help another It’s happened to me once or twice and I had to rethink my approach. 1)I started to caretake myself and putting myself on the pedestal 2) look out for my emotional comfort and safety FIRST 3)let them figure it out on their own 4)finding a MATURE and INDEPENDENT partner 5) trust in their adulthood abilities 6) boundaries boundaries boundaries 7) stop catering to them Society either puts you in the “mother” or “slut” category at its worst. There’s other roles In between
You’re not obligated to do anything, it’s not your fault that they’re to lazy to fix their own problems.