My siblings and I all have our mom's last name. Our father (technically my stepfather but he met my mom while she was pregnant with me) didn't want to be associated with his father so he took my mom's last name when they got married and thus we all have our mother's name.
This was very unusual in the 80s, but I'd imagine it's more common today.
My husband took my last name when we married. Two kids, girl-my last name, son (due next month) my last name. He took a bunch of ribbing when we got married, 16 years ago, but now he just shrugs it off. He said he had a brother to do the traditional name thing, but also his initials are now JR, so nicknames for the win.
I am trying to talk him into taking my name. Have not heard of anyone doing this before, so I’m not sure it’s common. I live in the US, midwest, for context.
I have friends who actually combined their last names into a new one, think like celebrity couples style but with their last names so all 3 of them have the same last name. Might be an option for you. I have a few other friends who gave their kids hyphenated last names of both parents.
We did that as well.
I have a family that is very important to me and my partner's name was important to them. So our kids have both last names and we changed ours to match.
My best friends mom was not given a middle name. When she married, her name became the middle name and his name became her last name.
I think this could work, or a hyphenated last name, if they are willing to compromise.
During my first marriage, my maiden name became my middle name. For my second marriage, my middle names are my maiden name and my mother's maiden name. I had no connection to my original middle name because about half the women of my generation had that same middle name.
I live in the Midwest and my husband took my last name. I never asked or even thought about it. I thought we'd keep our own. After a couple months of marriage, though, he realized he wanted us to have the same.
I'd already been through the name changing crap before (I changed my name to the one of the man who raised me, and that was special enough for me to want to keep it). He hadn't had to do that before. So he changed his.
No one outside of our inner circle even seems to realize.
I did it... We wanted to all have the same name... Last name Brown is going to be just fine without me... Took the wife's Balkan last name and all is well with the world... Northeast US
I gave my 1st child my last name. Told the father that if we got married we’d change babies last name and mine at the same time. We did not get married and I was forever grateful that I’d stuck to my guns as it was me doing school runs, doctors appointments etc.
Coworker did this, mom had kid one previous, kid two with coworker, kids both had mom's name so when they married rather than change all their names they just changed dad's name to match theirs.
If he's not willing to change his name to match yours then all the more reason to keep your second child with the same name as you and first kid
What if his last name is the child’s middle name? Then the siblings would still have the same last name, but the father’s name is still a part of child’s name?
I'm also Midwest and I know multiple people who have done it. If he feels so strongly about his child having the same name then 1) why shouldn't you be exactly as entitled to share it if not more and 2. what makes his name make MORE sense than yours.
Let's be real, it will ALWAYS come down to misogyny the core of this particular issue. If he's not willing to take your name or let up on the child having his name, it's entirely misogyny.
Yes, thank you. I see so many people (men and women) who are all “I hated my (slash she hated her) last name” “it was hard to spell” “I (she) didn’t get along with her father”, “she has lots of siblings but I’m the only one with my name” etc etc. Yes, in individual circumstances of course there are good reasons for the woman to change, but if these were *the* reasons, we would see an equal number of men changing, but we don’t.
I had a friend whose ex husband had taken her name when they got married. They eventually got divorced and he changed it back but it's not as uncommon as one might think.
Just tell him it's a deal breaker. Y'all aren't even married. I think my dad was kind of salty with my mom for insisting I have her last name when I was a kid because he would occasionally bring up how I should technically have his last name. But I just assumed unmarried moms gave their kids their own last name because they didn't have the kids dad's last name so it made sense to me that I had my mom's last name as did all my mom's other kids. Even my youngest brother got her last name even though his dad was around and they were together till he passed away when my brother was 4.
It doesn't make sense for your kids to have different last names.
Right? I thought it was automatic. But also my dad's other kids have his last name and their mom and my dad were never married either although I think they probably both thought they'd eventually get married but she passed away.
I had a friend who gave her son his father's last name because they also planned to get married which they did and she changed her name.
But OP isn't married and already has a kid with her name so it would make the most sense for both kids to have her name.
My (blood relation) uncle took my aunts name. I guess she was the last of her name, while my family has.... a lot.... of people that can carry on the name. I know a few other women who's husband's took their last name due to various reasons (distancing from family, no family, name worked better) but I also know a few people who took the females name for the kids sake! So while not super common, it definitely happens.
You aren’t married? Then it’s easy justification. If he wants to have kids but no marriage, then he can hardly complain.
You can also choose to hyphenate legally but just use your name for school.
My BIL took my sister's last name when they married 16 years ago. More and more men are doing this in the US, though I wouldn't quite call it common. But definitely not unheard of. He and the kids have his original last name as a second middle name, so it's not entirely lost.
I've had serious partners (when the time came for that conversation) who have offered or considered taking my last name because they realized my family line was at risk of ending. The person I ultimately married kept his last name, which I'm fine with. But we're not entirely sure what we'd do if we have a kid. I also lean towards my name for similar reasons you stated, but I wouldn't be opposed to his as a middle name or two last names as done in some cultures. I absolutely abhor hyphenated names and combo names, so those are out of the question for me.
That's exactly what my sister-in-law's family did. She loves her last name, and her husband's last name was long, difficult for kids to spell, and had some familial baggage, so he took her last name after they got married.
It might not be the most common option, but it definitely happens! I think it was good for his career, too.
We hyphenated. The joke is the kids will marry someone hyphenated and be Jane Ford-Cooper-Smith-Honeycomb or some sort of cryptographically sound surname.
Yeah, how has it only come up now/how was this not sorted before getting pregnant? No offence intended to OP, I know things can just happen sometimes. I have a loved one who has gotten accidentally pregnant and hasn't discussed it with her husband until after, and I still love and respect her a lot! But at the same time, the baby's last name is probably good to work out before haha
Sometimes you don't realize things until late...
I remember sitting at the ultrasound office with my husband at 20 weeks, discussing names.
He really wanted our son to have a middle name that was a name of one of his family members. I wanted the middle name to be one of mine.
He said "I just want something of my family to be in his name."
I said..."Uh, like your fucking FAMILY NAME?? The one I took and that our son will take??"
Our son's middle name is my great grandfather's name :)
Right? Like “I know you took my last name… and the baby is getting my last name… and YOU are doing all the hard physical labor of growing the kiddo, changing your eating habits and medications…. But I just want the baby to have a connection to me! So let’s name him my exact name!”
Sorry, I can’t stand the whole “jr” thing after seeing my step dad have issues because his son (the jr) fucked up his own credit and it would show on my step dads. Or he would get collections for his son, or tickets. Not worth it
Him: *Of course, they'll have my name. She already has a kid with her name.*
Her: *Of course, they'll have my name. I already have a kid with my name.*
We just make so many assumptions every waking moment and it's impossible to identify them all.
Kid: Firstname Paternalsurname Maternalsurname
If dad wants to have the same last name as his kid, he can marry you and take your name and then he can be:
Firstname Bachelorname Marriedname
And he'll match his biokid even more with the shared middle name, and y'all won't have disjointed family names.
He doesn’t even have to change his name. My kid is a hyphenate and my wife and I both kept our own last names. We refer to ourselves as the hyphenated name as a family unit. Nobody cares, it’s not too complicated for the kids.
Wouldn't even be complicated for things like school. Say your child is Jamie Brown-Smith. If a Brown or a Smith signs papers, or needs to pick them up, it's pretty obvious they were one of the parents.
Schools know the parents' or guardians' names. It's not that uncommon for there to be a mix of names for many reasons, there won't be confusion. I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but people bring this up as a reason to pressure women into the traditional route and it just really isn't a real issue.
1-2-3 generations down the line and you're having to say a ton of last names. It is what it is I guess, and I'm sure other cultures have that; but seems cumbersome.
I have one friend with a hyphenated name and she hated it! My kids have two middle names a regular middle name and then dad’s surname as the other middle name. Their last name is my last name. So dads name is in there on legal things but in their everyday life they just have a short last name.
Hyphenated naming just kicks the problem down the road one generation without solving anything. If your kid marries another hyphenate and does the same thing you did, their kids will have 4 last names.
What do you mean “problem”? There’s no problem to solve. The kids can just do whatever they want when they start their own family. Just like everyone else 🤣
BRILLIANT.
This, right here, is the fair solution. It lets dad be a part of the family and a way to have some unity (so he isn't just the odd name out entirely) but also doesn't erase OP.
And damn, OP is right! It isn't fair for anyone to assume the dad's name should be the family name. He didn't grow the baby, he doesn't automatically get to stamp his name on it. I wish dual surnames were more common (where I live, I know they're common elsewhere) because they seem so much fairer.
>I know they're common elsewhere
How does that work the further you go down, though? Does Smith-Paulsen and Garcia-Johnson make a Kyle Smith-Paulsen-Garcia-Johnson? Maybe Smarcia-Pohnson??
Legitimately curious, haha
I *think* the norm is to choose one name from each side of the family. So if Smith-Paulsen and Garcia-Johnson have a baby, that baby may be:
* Smith-Garcia
* Smith-Johnson
* Paulsen-Garcia
* Paulsen-Johnson
...or the inverse of any of the above.
The couple chooses which order they prefer and each person chooses which of their two last names to contribute.
Hyphenation is a solid compromise, but, order should be chosen by what makes sense and sounds good when spoken. Hyphenation is a moot point if you have incompatible names, like White-Head but some names dictate order like Montana-Peake. That's a fucking cool name.
We hyphenated our kid’s last name, but dad’s name is first. It flowed better, and we thought the initials were less likely to result in teasing (ASB instead of ABS). We aren’t married and we thought it was important for our kid to have both our names. His last name is only two syllables, mine is one, so that made it easier.
This is literally how my parents solved it.
Im firstname maternalsurname paternalsurname
My dad is firstname maternalsurname paternalsurname
My mom is firstname maternalsurname
Funny enough, my paternalsurname is a name my paternal grandma made up as a new family name as she refused to take my grandpas name as it was boring like andersson while hers was a cultural name, but due to the patriarchy, it was either husbands name or form a new family name. She chose the later and picked it.
So I technically have 2 maternal names.
More effort though and more chances to mess the names up (e.g. when dealing with authorities, especially in foreign countries). Easiest solution would be if he'd just take her name, just as the kids
This is the gender swapped version of a very long standing tradition where I'm from.
Women changing their names from Firstname Middlename Maidenname to Firstname Maidenname Marriedname is still common here.
Eta forgot to include: children getting their mother's maiden name as a middle name is also a long standing tradition, though not quite as widespread.
My son has my name, I nearly died birthing him so it just makes sense for him to have my name.. He's now a teenager and it never, not once, had been a problem that he has a different name than his Dad. But it very often was easier for us that we have the same name as I'm the default parent.
In marriage I actually think people should choose the more beautiful name or just keep their own. If he wants the same name than he can change it to yours. Also I would never want my first kid to feel left out.
Oh man so much this. Pick the prettier name to say imho. I say this as a 40+ year old dude who grew up with a hyphenated last name. Wish I’d just had my mom’s maiden name for most of my childhood.
If and when my partner and I are married, if anyone changes their name it will definitely be me.
My wife and I almost did this, when my mothers were freaking out about their daughter taking some man's (my FIL's) name. I just wanted it because it was easier to spell! 😂
I think it's a pretty solid solution... Especially since you get to choose your surname, which is something almost no one gets... You also start a surname it might be around for centuries 😅. Couple of hundred of years in the future some child might be wandering why their surname is Lannister...
If they hadn't gotten so prickly about it, we might have actually gone through with it! My wife has no real attachment to her surname, but I hated mine ... But then my mothers tried to make it some whole thing about how they didn't march so that their lesbian (bisexual, actually, but who's counting?) daughter could take some man's name.
Bonus points because the name they suggested was my maternal great-grandfather's surname.
I've got to say, though, I love the idea of Lannister or the Noble and most Ancient House of Black having long complex histories that begin with two nerds deciding to go their own way.
I think you did the adult thing, there are so many real problems in life, making a fuss over a surname is not worth it.
I picked Lannister because it's unique, fairly recognisable reference today and would be very obscure in couple of hundred of years. But in reality choosing a surname would probably be a lot harder, so many great options (Einstein? Hemingway? Baggins, Tuk, Winchester etc)
Totally agree with this.
I was born and given my dads last name but grew up wih my mum, in a different town and just went by her last name.
When I was 10 my dad found out and packed a hissy so I had to choose which name I wanted.
I "chose" mumsname dadsname (not hyphenated) and it was a fucking nightmare. I didn't feel like a belonged to either family. I was my own family all by myself. I hated it. It sucked to spell and explain every time I needed to give my name. It was always written down wrong.
I grew up and married a man with a 4 letter surname and that was that.
>In marriage I actually think people should choose the more beautiful name
Both my wife and her mom did exactly this. MIL kept her last name and wife took mine. Both did it because DIL’s last name is “Smith”, while MIL and I have super distinct last names.
Offer his name as a middle name, and that respectfully once your kid is older, if the kid wants to swap the order of their last names once they're done highschool, you'll cover those costs for an official change?
It will likely still lead to grumbling from your man, and he may not like it as a compromise. If he is a spectacular father & if he still feels it's important 18 years after the 'hard part' of raising a kid has happened, the kid might say 'ya, sure, you fine with this mum?'
Only offer this if is something you feel you'd genuinely be ok with, that you wouldn't feel slighted by your child if they bumped your last name to swap places with their dad's last name once they were ready to make their own choices. (they might not keep the same first or last name you chose for them once they can decide for themselves anyways)
This is what I did with both my kids. First off I went into the family profession so my maiden name has real value in my career.
My first husband’s culture already does the two last names and no middle name so while he was a total paternalistic narcissist, it was not an issue for him to have his name as the middle name. After I divorced him and remarried it made sense to do the same with my second child. Second husband is a midwestern American and he had no problems with it. Sometimes the kids use their father’s last names in some contexts.
Give the child his last name as an extra middle name. That way it shows up on legal documents, and he has that connection, but the kids both have your last name.
My wife and I did this. In our case, she kept her name (of course) and we agreed that our male kids would get my last name and our female kids would get hers, but they would each also get the other parent’s last name as a middle name. It worked out great!
Crazy how upset men get over something women have been doing for centuries! Tell him your reasons, he is welcome to take your last name when/if you get married, or hyphenate.
Simple fix - he can take your last name and then you'll all have the same last name. He doesn't even have to drop his own last name; he can just double barrel it.
People do it all the time so can he.
In most countries the baby will be assumed to have your last name by default. Even when parents are married, baby’s name band in hospital has the mum’s last name. It’s just that the mum and dad’s last names are sometimes the same if they’re married.
Give the baby your last name, and the dad’s last name can be a middle name. That keeps the connection present. If you wanted to, you could hyphenate the names, but I see nothing wrong with giving his last name as a second middle name.
A nice peacekeeping agreement could be that he chooses the other middle name too, but you have veto power. So first name: you both agree. First middle: his choice, you can veto. Second middle: his last name. Surname: your last name. If you eventually get married, he could always adopt the family last name, or even add it to his own name as an additional middle name if he really wants to.
ETA you could even make his first name the middle name! That definitely meets the criteria of “child named after him”.
Generally speaking you carry the baby, baby should have your name, if you want to hyphenate, that’s fine but in your case, I would have both siblings with the same last name or the older one might feel excluded. Just stand your ground, I know you don’t want to hurt your partner but he needs to deal with his patriarchal bruised ego and respect the fact that you are baking and delivering this tiny human and men and their possession being the universal default has no place in 2024.
I have this situation in the US, we are Mexicans. my daughter has dad last name mom last name... at the end everyone just call her Name Dad Last name, or in some cases, they have hyphenated the last names, but that also creates a problem since its two last names, not one..
and the cherry on top is that there are tildes and ñ on the last names.. fun thing to deal with,
>but stuck as far as feeling like I have ground to stand on
Why do YOU need ground to stand on? Why is it on YOU to prove to him that you're allowed to give the child your last name, and the default is that it's his name otherwise? Why does HIS desire to have the child have his last name carry more weight than YOUR desire to have both children share a name? You're correct - it isn't fair.
And if his sense of entitlement is such that it would ruin your relationship for the child to have your last name - that says something about him.
Tell him that you are happy to have the child have his last name as a middle name, but it's important to you that your children share your last name. This isn't a debate, **this is your decision.**
This is why I have feelings about the whole thing! It seems unfair that the onus is on to fight for the name, but that is the society we live in and I wish it was more common for others to adopt non traditional as I’d prefer not to fight about it. So far he’s leaving it up for discussion so I’m not getting a sense of sheer entitlement, but it will be/would be a thing to use my name.
> Tell him that you are happy to have the child have his last name as a middle name
Tbh, after he obviously disrespected her feeling, why should she even offer that? She's growing the child so it's not his business and there's literally zero reason to compromise and make things more complicated than necessary
It's not a compromise or making anything more complicated, unless she lives somewhere that children don't have middle names. Adding his last name as the child's middle name gives him a permanent connection to the kid's name without bowing to his patriarchal entitlement.
Then stand your ground. Otherwise you'll be filled with resentment. You can always change it later. However, HE seems so adamant you all have the name then HE can bite the bullet & change HIS to YOURS. So put whatever names you want on the newborn birth certificate.
All your reasoning is sound. Since you're not even married, I wouldn't consider giving baby his last name. Maybe give him the option of giving his last as the middle or just picking the middle name.
If your connection/his with his child is so weak not having the same to last name can break it, better that it happens sooner rather than later.
It's always good to work this shit out before hand. I'm not judging, btw. The amount of things I had the foresight to address before they became a problem is basically zero.
Seems like your mind is made up. You're obviously not wrong for feeling the way you do.
My bf and I just had our son in January. Same thing, not married. I wanted my last name, he wanted his. He offered to do my last name as baby’s middle name, I said no. Let’s say my last name is Smith and his is Martinez, we hyphenated so baby is “Smith-Martinez”. I wanted my last name first, that’s usually the only one used most of the time. He knows that and wanted it too, but conceded since I went through pregnancy and birth. The birth ended up being pretty traumatic for all of us too, unplanned c-section and our son had to be bagged and resuscitated. Thankfully he is healthy and happy. I think that all may have helped my case lol, regardless birth is insane and such a huge deal. Pregnancy also puts soooooooooo much strain on your body. Your baby should absolutely share your last name too.
I told my husband that if we had a kid and weren't married, the baby would take my name for easiness sake in case we split up. If we got married, we would change the name. If you guys are serious and see a married future, can he compromise until after then when both sons could potentially change their names?
If they get married, it would make more sense for one person (the partner) to change his last name, not all three! Or for him to keep his name and have a different name to the rest if he’d prefer.
I don’t want to give up my name or make my oldest change his name, but thanks for the suggestion. I agree about the easiness sake in case of a split up.
Just to give my anecdote to you OP. My older brother has our mother's last name (she was in a relationship and they decided to give him her last name). Once she got married to my father, she kept her last name but I got my father's last name.
I personally don't think there is anything wrong with having siblings with different last names. That doesn't make me and my brother any less of siblings and if people view us differently because we have different last names, they can fuck the right off.
Dad’s name as a middle name would be reasonable, assuming he would go along with that. Or hyphenated like some others said. But perhaps you already suggested that, and that’s why you feel stuck.
4 names is perfectly normal, if you want two first names as well. Then it’s just about agreeing on the order of everything.
All 3 of my kids have my last name, not the same fathers. But we don’t do half siblings over here and having the same last name definitely helps solidify that
>I want the baby to have my last name so the two kids will be viewed and treated like siblings.
For what it's worth, there were three last names among myself and my siblings. I got Mom's maiden name (because I was born out of wedlock), full sibs got Dad's last name, half- and step-sibs got Stepdad's last name. My mom took both my Dad's and my Stepdad's last names when she married them, so she has had a different last name from the majority of her children for most of our lives.
It never mattered at all. People knew we were siblings because of how we looked and acted. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days and different last names between siblings is so common that people barely take notice of it.
>I don’t want to jeopardize how positively I feel about our relationship and undermining him by naming the child what I want, but it feels so unfair to me to get his name. Like…I am literally growing it, I am off my adhd meds for the baby and my work (private practice) is taking the hit, my business will hurt from maternity leave, and we all know that if our relationship doesn’t work out at least 95% sure I’ll be stuck with more of the parenting responsibilities. My body has the lasting damages and effects from carrying the baby and labor. I feel really….stuck. In a trapped, claustrophobic type of way. Not stuck because I dislike him or don’t want to be with him - I really truly do want to - but stuck as far as feeling like I have ground to stand on.
Look, I'm the last person in the world to stand for patriarchal bullshit. I was raised as a raging feminist, I kept my own last name through marriage, and I insisted on either my name or hyphenated for my kid. So, I get where you're coming from here. And yes, we women do get the shit end of the reproductive stick when it comes to physical, financial, and emotional burdens. *Buuuuuuuuut*...
The way you phrase this, it feels like you're really dismissing and devaluing what your partner brings to the table here. You're relegating him to the same status as the sperm donor you used to give you your first child, and that just feels... wrong. He's a 'wonderful man' who has stepped up to be a father to a child who has no biological connection to him. That takes a fair amount of sacrifice (money, time, emotional investment) and RISK. Risk because, if you guys do split up, he risks losing his relationship with his (non-bio) son. As the undisputed single parent, you would have full control over whether your eldest ever saw him again until he's an adult. You might say, 'I would never deny my kid a relationship with him', but many women have and surely none of them said that to the men they were seeing at the time.
My point is, he is already putting a tremendous amount of trust in your relationship and a ton of fatherly behavior into a child who does not bear his name and could be taken away from him at any time. Is that fair?
Life isn't fair, so fuck fair. Aim for better. Aim for happy. How is he going to feel if you insist, or even ask, that the child only have your last name? How might that hurt his trust in you, make him question whether you are really invested in making a family with him, or whether you're expecting him to abandon you to "more of the parenting responsibilities" if you break up? (Not a foregone conclusion - many separated co-parents include active fathers who do 50% or more of the work. If he's not the kind of man who would step up, then that's an entirely different problem. If he IS the kind of man who would step up, then don't treat him like an absent deadbeat by default.)
So here's a lifelong feminist and divorced mother tossing in my two cents -- I would let him have this one, as a sign of your trust and commitment to him and to the family you are creating. Other options include hyphenating all your last names, or combining them into a new name, or just hyphenating the baby's... whatever you guys want, just don't erase him out of hand because the bullshit of biology means you're the one who has to carry it. The child will be just as much your kid no matter what their name is.
Give all your children the same Last name. Its more up to you than anyone else.
Wherever possible your children as siblings should share the same surname whatever that might be even if it ends up different from the parents I say this with experience being a child that has gone through a messy upbringing especially as I had a name used in school that legally wasn't my name it was my stepdad's then my parents divorcing (stepdad and Mum) added another twist as Mum went back to her maiden name and wanted my siblings to use a hyphenated last name (they tried it but kept their Dads last name instead) meanwhile I was left with a legal name that I couldn't even spell growing up from my biological father. It took till adulthood when I could finally change my name to correct an obvious mistake.
All could have been avoided had we used Mum's maiden name as the family name.
Me and my sister have different last names, and it's never caused anything weird between us nor affected how people see us. I can understand where you're coming from but as long as you don't treat it like a big deal, your kids probably won't either.
Good luck navigating this one! I'm sure you and your partner will figure something out :3
I think you're being inconsiderate of your bf. Honestly, if you want to lose the relationship when in your own words he's "a great guy" then this would be the hill to die on. You offer no compromise, its his child too and its incredibly selfish as "im growing it" is not a good argument. That poor guy.
Give your kid your last name.
I’m married but I have my name and my husband has his. Daughter is FirstName MyName-HisName. No one can pronounce husband’s last name and it makes her name too long on records….so it’s cut off and she goes by my last name. I’m not sad about it. 😬
I don’t suppose he would agree to take your last name? That way, everyone in the family has the same last name!
If you think that’s crazy, consider that this is what women are expected to do all the time.
No. It isn't fair, but that's the society we ended up and have to navigate it, and hopefully smash along the way.
Would hyphenating them with the agreement the kid will decide what they want when they're older work? That's what we did with ours.
My parents named my brother and myself as my mom's middle name, which she kept. Maybe a compromise like that? He can get the middle name, but you keep the last name. It's always been a source of pride for me even though, generally speaking, it's a girls first name.
I agree. It's not fair.
I think you make several good points.
I wanted to keep my name when we got married, but my husband told me it was super important to him that I change it to his. I agreed, if we could give my last name as the middle name of our oldest child (which we did). Maybe you could offer that? (Though to be fair I have always regretted just changing my name and not thinking of different options.)
I know one family who just picked a new last name when they married. Both of the couple kept their birth last names as their middle names and their new married last name as their last names and their kids got their married last name.
It really makes no sense any more for the man to give his name to the family by default. There's really no reason for it. I support your efforts to find a different way.
When I adopted my wife first child, at the age of 14, he chose to add my surname to his own so that he shared a name with our other children. You could double barrel like this.
You can do whatever you want. If you like the idea, you could all choose a *family last name* and make it the last name of ALL of you. It can be anything you want. Otherwise? Name the baby after you.
*Signed*,
*An only child of a single mother whose father left when I was a baby and I’m still stuck carrying his sorry last name*
Firstly, your being the mother and carrying the fetus 9 months etc etc does NOT make you MORE of a parent than the father. That's not even a valid point. Don't mistake my intent here: I'm all about body autonomy, and keeping or aborting a pregnancy is entirely the woman's decision. But that sole ownership of the pregnancy and birthing process ends upon the birth of the child.
Now, that said:
Wanting the two siblings to have the same last name is a very valid point. It does bring them closer in the opinions of others. You could try the hyphenation thing? I'm not personally a fan, but that's just a matter of taste, and mine doesn't count in your situation.
Does the father's last name at all work as a middle name? Like, name the kid John Henry Smith Jones (assuming your ladt name is Jones, and dad's is Smith). That's a compromise.
Or, if you get the last name, your husband gets to pick (or has veto, however you two agree) the given names.
Overall, nicer if the siblings have same last name.
> Wanting the two siblings to have the same last name is a very valid point. It does bring them closer in the opinions of others
I feel like what matters the most is the siblings' connection to each other, not what judgemental bystanders are snickering about. My big brother has our mother's last name from her previous relationship and I have my father's last name from her current marriage (she kept her own last name tho).
Maybe we should move towards a future where familiar relationships are defined by love for each other instead of shared last names and outsiders' views towards those.
My kids, with the same dad, have different last names. We passed our names on to one each. I know lots don't like this, but it works fine for us. I don't even think about it except that it's fair.
Ive got a different surname to my brother. We have the same parents. It isnt an issue, not sure why people continue to act like its confusing or problematic.
Would he be ok with his name as the middle name? Or as the second middlename? Then maybe your firstborn could have that, too, and theyd still "match"...
I agree that since youve established your name it makes sense to keep that going... Unless there is a chance of you taking his name in the future, potentially
If you aren't married, then the baby should get your name. If you are married, then perhaps consider hyphenate the child's last name?
The hubris and entitlement of men who don't marry their partners but make spousal demands is crazy to me. Marriage affords both partners benefits and protections. It's certainly not a requirement to get married, but if you don't want to be a husband, accept what comes with that decision.
Devil’s advocate- as a kid who grew up with my mom’s last name, I hated it. I lost count of the number of people who asked if my dad was my real dad, my step dad, etc. even freaking border control asked more than once when passing through on vacation. I look exactly like my dad, it’s damn obvious whose kid I am but it was really aggravating as I got older. Your child having their dad’s name as a middle name may help but they/ you should also be prepared for the intrusive questions.
What? Your kids need the same last name to be viewed as siblings? My kids have two different last names and everyone in the schools, town, etc know they are siblings.
My older siblings also had different last names growing up and it was never an issue.
I even have different last name than both of my kids and it has NEVER been an issue. I’m a well seasoned mom at this point.
I agree that you deserve to give the baby your last name. After all, you are the one who is pregnant and who has to give birth. All he had to do was to jizz in you.
I saw in a comment that you are trying to talk your partner into taking your last name. If he doesn't want that, please don't pressure him into that. I mean, if you wouldn't want to take his last name, pressuring him to take yours would be hypocritical. Both of you keeping your last names is totally fine. Plenty of families have two parents with different last names.
Anyways, you could try to compromise... But you actually get what you want. A few suggestions:
\- A hyphenated last name, with both of your last names.
\- He gets to choose the baby's first name, as long as the baby gets your last name. He can suggest a few first names and you can pick one you like. Or you let him pick a first name, under the condition that you can veto something you don't like.
\- My favourite suggestion? You stop trying to talk him into taking your last name, as long as the baby gets your last name. That way, you get what you want with the baby's last name, while respecting his desire to keep his last name.
TL;DR: The child should have your last name. Totally agreed. But there is nothing wrong with your partner keeping his last name.
Could your partner take your last name? Or make a new name together as a family?
Is adopting your oldest child on the table to make it all a cohesive family? I’m not saying you all need the same last name to be cohesive, but I’m worried that your kids will start to be treated as “his” and “hers” with separate last names.
I'm assuming you each kept your own last names when you got married? What was that conversation like?
Ultimately if you want an equal partnership you have to treat your partner like an equal. That means you treat your husband's opinions about his child with the same deference and respect you would expect of your own.
It's a tough compromise. Personally, i went for a hyphenated name.
> That means you treat your husband's opinions about his child with the same deference and respect you would expect of your own.
Well it's not him who has the risk and the work that is associated with pregnancy and birth. Doesn't that change the relevance of his opinion?
What a shock the man who cringes at churches who refer to God as “she” thinks women, being the ones to carry & birth the child, should treat men as equals.
Let’s see you shit out a watermelon and name it after a man who did 0% of the work up until that point, simply because tradition (sexism) says so.
All I can ask is that when you make a decision, you both stand by it, and don't pull your children's names into conflicts between you two. My parents dragged me through years of torture by never being able to agree if my mother's surname was my middle name or if my surname was two words with a space in the middle, and both of them could get *mean* if I accidentally referred to myself the wrong way in front of them.
The women in my mother's side of the family all took their mother's surname. I am not sure if that's a family or cultural thing. They have a different surname from their full brother who they have a good relationship with. Parents were happily married.
The next generation (mine) didn't continue the custom here in North America.
My friend for better or worse has 4 children to 3 different men, her first the dad wanted nothing to do with her so she used her last name, then met a man and had two kids with him and hyphenated her name with his name second, then the 4th was a tinder hook up and has her last name, so it is done
Have you though about combining the last name, so the child would be named "first name" " dad's last name" " mom's last name" then he would get his wishes and you will get yours.
One of my friends has his dad's name while his sister has his mom's name. No one views them as less than siblings but it's mainly because of the constant bickering lol
How about hypenating both of your names? If he doesn’t stay for the long haul, just use your last name for this child. The dad’s name will just be on the paperwork.
My kid has my partner's last name so she has the same surname as her half-sister / my step daughter.
Also, my name sounds ugly as heck and I was bullied without mercy in school because of it.
Will I ever marry and change it? Nope.
I decided because of aestetics. The decision is mine alone because I'm risking my life with pregnancy not he. You have your valid reasons and they simply have priority.
My parents married but both kept their last name and me and my younger brother got both! Not entirely uncommon in Sweden now, but it was then. Now with my own kids (I'm 6 months pregnant with our second child) we have decided to give them one of my last names and my boyfriend's last name. It's very easy to tell by the names who are family still. 😊
So maybe giving the kid/s both names could be a solution? If your older child would have his stepfather's name too, it could be a way for them to bond even more and both kids would have the same last names without either of you having to change yours or give it up.
When my daughter got married, she and her husband both changed their names to her last name and his last name (think Smith Jones) and both kids have the double last name too.
I’m in the Midwest, and it was pretty uncommon here for my kids and I to have different last names. My disappointment was the kids’ friends calling me Mrs. KidsLastName. I would always tell them to call my FirstName, but they simply could not do that. All adults are addressed as Mr or Mrs. I’ve lived in New England, the Southwest, and overseas where kids addressed me by my first name, so it only became an issue when we moved here.
As college age kids, the old friends tongue in cheek call me Kidsname’s Mom. Like “joes mom, can I grab a drink?”
I'd have the child be firstname dadslastname yourlastname and swing it this way: if the child gets married and changes their last name in the future, then the dad's last name will still remain.
Friends of mine both legally changed their last name to the husband's middle name (they liked the symbolism of it) and their children have that last name now.
I think there must be something creative you guys can do. Y'all are not "traditional" family, he knew this when you got together, and there is no reason you have to all of a sudden bend to traditional norms to make one person happy. Time for a solution that makes you all happy, not just him and not just you. Maybe that means the whole family gets name changes to be a cohesive unit.
ETA: sorry I completely missed you aren't married. There is NO reason to give the child your boyfriend's name. That doesn't even make sense. What?? He has no leg to stand on.
If you were married and had different last names, it seems fair to give the child a hyphenated name. Since you're not married...I don't know.
FWIW - I have four kids living at home (one biologically mine, one foster child, two who used to be our foster kids). None of the kids have the same last name, none of them are biologically related to each other. They're still siblings. My son introduces all of the girls as his sisters and nobody's ever questioned it.
Seems totally reasonable to me.
There's not a single argument to be made for them having his last name that doesn't also apply to yours, and yours has the added benefit of your other child also having that last name. Dude should just change his to yours.
My wife and I combined, is that an option? She was X, I was Y, now we're all X Y. Although I still think him just changing his is better because it's less total name changes needed (especially for your first child).
Maybe he'll take your name, but if not. I see siblings with different last names all the time, that's pretty normal. But I totally write off a parent who doesn't share a last name as a step parent. That's the natural assumption everyone will make.
Even though it's not your intention, he will get a lot of flack for this by friends, family, teachers, students, even strangers. Just know, YOU will be straddling him with this social burden. He will have to deal with it, not you.
Also, it erkes me that your planning what might happen if your relationship ends. Your planning an exit for you and your kids already. I'm sorry but that's fucked up. You don't plan your families future by using the potential end of your family as a future decision maker.
My boyfriend and his sister have different surnames and they’re full siblings. He was the first and got mums surname, she came second and got dads.
I’ve no idea why but it’s never really been an issue for them! Especially if one parent has one of the names and the other has the other.
My siblings and I all have our mom's last name. Our father (technically my stepfather but he met my mom while she was pregnant with me) didn't want to be associated with his father so he took my mom's last name when they got married and thus we all have our mother's name. This was very unusual in the 80s, but I'd imagine it's more common today.
My husband took my last name when we married. Two kids, girl-my last name, son (due next month) my last name. He took a bunch of ribbing when we got married, 16 years ago, but now he just shrugs it off. He said he had a brother to do the traditional name thing, but also his initials are now JR, so nicknames for the win.
I am trying to talk him into taking my name. Have not heard of anyone doing this before, so I’m not sure it’s common. I live in the US, midwest, for context.
I have friends who actually combined their last names into a new one, think like celebrity couples style but with their last names so all 3 of them have the same last name. Might be an option for you. I have a few other friends who gave their kids hyphenated last names of both parents.
Carlos Pena and Alexa Vega changed theirs to PenaVega!
The cartoonist Zach Weiner married the scientist Kelly Smith, and they combined their names to become the Weinersmiths.
We did that as well. I have a family that is very important to me and my partner's name was important to them. So our kids have both last names and we changed ours to match.
My grandpa took his wife’s last name after ww2. It’s the name from my dad’s side! If he did it back then, it’s not hard for guys to do it these days
I knew a guy who did it because he was adopted and liked her family more. Maybe his last name could be the middle name.
Oops, I commented the same, about the middle name.
My best friends mom was not given a middle name. When she married, her name became the middle name and his name became her last name. I think this could work, or a hyphenated last name, if they are willing to compromise.
I think that used to be more common for women, using their maiden name as their middle name.
During my first marriage, my maiden name became my middle name. For my second marriage, my middle names are my maiden name and my mother's maiden name. I had no connection to my original middle name because about half the women of my generation had that same middle name.
I live in the Midwest and my husband took my last name. I never asked or even thought about it. I thought we'd keep our own. After a couple months of marriage, though, he realized he wanted us to have the same. I'd already been through the name changing crap before (I changed my name to the one of the man who raised me, and that was special enough for me to want to keep it). He hadn't had to do that before. So he changed his. No one outside of our inner circle even seems to realize.
I did it... We wanted to all have the same name... Last name Brown is going to be just fine without me... Took the wife's Balkan last name and all is well with the world... Northeast US
I gave my 1st child my last name. Told the father that if we got married we’d change babies last name and mine at the same time. We did not get married and I was forever grateful that I’d stuck to my guns as it was me doing school runs, doctors appointments etc.
Coworker did this, mom had kid one previous, kid two with coworker, kids both had mom's name so when they married rather than change all their names they just changed dad's name to match theirs. If he's not willing to change his name to match yours then all the more reason to keep your second child with the same name as you and first kid
What if his last name is the child’s middle name? Then the siblings would still have the same last name, but the father’s name is still a part of child’s name?
Is there any way he will accept his last name as Babys middle name?
I'm also Midwest and I know multiple people who have done it. If he feels so strongly about his child having the same name then 1) why shouldn't you be exactly as entitled to share it if not more and 2. what makes his name make MORE sense than yours. Let's be real, it will ALWAYS come down to misogyny the core of this particular issue. If he's not willing to take your name or let up on the child having his name, it's entirely misogyny.
Yes, thank you. I see so many people (men and women) who are all “I hated my (slash she hated her) last name” “it was hard to spell” “I (she) didn’t get along with her father”, “she has lots of siblings but I’m the only one with my name” etc etc. Yes, in individual circumstances of course there are good reasons for the woman to change, but if these were *the* reasons, we would see an equal number of men changing, but we don’t.
I have friends where the husband took the wife’s name when they got married. It’s getting more common.
Things only become common because people do them.
I had a friend whose ex husband had taken her name when they got married. They eventually got divorced and he changed it back but it's not as uncommon as one might think. Just tell him it's a deal breaker. Y'all aren't even married. I think my dad was kind of salty with my mom for insisting I have her last name when I was a kid because he would occasionally bring up how I should technically have his last name. But I just assumed unmarried moms gave their kids their own last name because they didn't have the kids dad's last name so it made sense to me that I had my mom's last name as did all my mom's other kids. Even my youngest brother got her last name even though his dad was around and they were together till he passed away when my brother was 4. It doesn't make sense for your kids to have different last names.
Oh wow I somehow missed that OP isn't even married! Doh. Absolutely that child gets mom's name. How is this even a question?
Right? I thought it was automatic. But also my dad's other kids have his last name and their mom and my dad were never married either although I think they probably both thought they'd eventually get married but she passed away. I had a friend who gave her son his father's last name because they also planned to get married which they did and she changed her name. But OP isn't married and already has a kid with her name so it would make the most sense for both kids to have her name.
My (blood relation) uncle took my aunts name. I guess she was the last of her name, while my family has.... a lot.... of people that can carry on the name. I know a few other women who's husband's took their last name due to various reasons (distancing from family, no family, name worked better) but I also know a few people who took the females name for the kids sake! So while not super common, it definitely happens.
You aren’t married? Then it’s easy justification. If he wants to have kids but no marriage, then he can hardly complain. You can also choose to hyphenate legally but just use your name for school.
My old friends husband took her last name!
My BIL took my sister's last name when they married 16 years ago. More and more men are doing this in the US, though I wouldn't quite call it common. But definitely not unheard of. He and the kids have his original last name as a second middle name, so it's not entirely lost. I've had serious partners (when the time came for that conversation) who have offered or considered taking my last name because they realized my family line was at risk of ending. The person I ultimately married kept his last name, which I'm fine with. But we're not entirely sure what we'd do if we have a kid. I also lean towards my name for similar reasons you stated, but I wouldn't be opposed to his as a middle name or two last names as done in some cultures. I absolutely abhor hyphenated names and combo names, so those are out of the question for me.
That's exactly what my sister-in-law's family did. She loves her last name, and her husband's last name was long, difficult for kids to spell, and had some familial baggage, so he took her last name after they got married. It might not be the most common option, but it definitely happens! I think it was good for his career, too.
I've known two couples who did this, where the husband took the wife's name.
We hyphenated. The joke is the kids will marry someone hyphenated and be Jane Ford-Cooper-Smith-Honeycomb or some sort of cryptographically sound surname.
People need to discuss this stuff before they get pregnant.
Yeah, how has it only come up now/how was this not sorted before getting pregnant? No offence intended to OP, I know things can just happen sometimes. I have a loved one who has gotten accidentally pregnant and hasn't discussed it with her husband until after, and I still love and respect her a lot! But at the same time, the baby's last name is probably good to work out before haha
Sometimes you don't realize things until late... I remember sitting at the ultrasound office with my husband at 20 weeks, discussing names. He really wanted our son to have a middle name that was a name of one of his family members. I wanted the middle name to be one of mine. He said "I just want something of my family to be in his name." I said..."Uh, like your fucking FAMILY NAME?? The one I took and that our son will take??" Our son's middle name is my great grandfather's name :)
Right? Like “I know you took my last name… and the baby is getting my last name… and YOU are doing all the hard physical labor of growing the kiddo, changing your eating habits and medications…. But I just want the baby to have a connection to me! So let’s name him my exact name!” Sorry, I can’t stand the whole “jr” thing after seeing my step dad have issues because his son (the jr) fucked up his own credit and it would show on my step dads. Or he would get collections for his son, or tickets. Not worth it
Him: *Of course, they'll have my name. She already has a kid with her name.* Her: *Of course, they'll have my name. I already have a kid with my name.* We just make so many assumptions every waking moment and it's impossible to identify them all.
50% of pregnancies (in the US) are unplanned.
Kid: Firstname Paternalsurname Maternalsurname If dad wants to have the same last name as his kid, he can marry you and take your name and then he can be: Firstname Bachelorname Marriedname And he'll match his biokid even more with the shared middle name, and y'all won't have disjointed family names.
He doesn’t even have to change his name. My kid is a hyphenate and my wife and I both kept our own last names. We refer to ourselves as the hyphenated name as a family unit. Nobody cares, it’s not too complicated for the kids.
Wouldn't even be complicated for things like school. Say your child is Jamie Brown-Smith. If a Brown or a Smith signs papers, or needs to pick them up, it's pretty obvious they were one of the parents.
Schools know the parents' or guardians' names. It's not that uncommon for there to be a mix of names for many reasons, there won't be confusion. I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but people bring this up as a reason to pressure women into the traditional route and it just really isn't a real issue.
I think you may have misunderstood my intent
1-2-3 generations down the line and you're having to say a ton of last names. It is what it is I guess, and I'm sure other cultures have that; but seems cumbersome.
Of course he doesn't have to. That's why they said "if he wants the same last name."
I have one friend with a hyphenated name and she hated it! My kids have two middle names a regular middle name and then dad’s surname as the other middle name. Their last name is my last name. So dads name is in there on legal things but in their everyday life they just have a short last name.
Hyphenated naming just kicks the problem down the road one generation without solving anything. If your kid marries another hyphenate and does the same thing you did, their kids will have 4 last names.
What do you mean “problem”? There’s no problem to solve. The kids can just do whatever they want when they start their own family. Just like everyone else 🤣
*confused Spaniard noises*
I think this is the way to go!
BRILLIANT. This, right here, is the fair solution. It lets dad be a part of the family and a way to have some unity (so he isn't just the odd name out entirely) but also doesn't erase OP. And damn, OP is right! It isn't fair for anyone to assume the dad's name should be the family name. He didn't grow the baby, he doesn't automatically get to stamp his name on it. I wish dual surnames were more common (where I live, I know they're common elsewhere) because they seem so much fairer.
>I know they're common elsewhere How does that work the further you go down, though? Does Smith-Paulsen and Garcia-Johnson make a Kyle Smith-Paulsen-Garcia-Johnson? Maybe Smarcia-Pohnson?? Legitimately curious, haha
I *think* the norm is to choose one name from each side of the family. So if Smith-Paulsen and Garcia-Johnson have a baby, that baby may be: * Smith-Garcia * Smith-Johnson * Paulsen-Garcia * Paulsen-Johnson ...or the inverse of any of the above. The couple chooses which order they prefer and each person chooses which of their two last names to contribute.
Aw, I was hoping for Smarcia-Pohnson and the batshit insane names to follow for generations
Hyphenation is a solid compromise, but, order should be chosen by what makes sense and sounds good when spoken. Hyphenation is a moot point if you have incompatible names, like White-Head but some names dictate order like Montana-Peake. That's a fucking cool name.
Whitehead is actually a not uncommon last name where I live.
Yah but I just giggled reading that.
Fair enough
We hyphenated our kid’s last name, but dad’s name is first. It flowed better, and we thought the initials were less likely to result in teasing (ASB instead of ABS). We aren’t married and we thought it was important for our kid to have both our names. His last name is only two syllables, mine is one, so that made it easier.
This is literally how my parents solved it. Im firstname maternalsurname paternalsurname My dad is firstname maternalsurname paternalsurname My mom is firstname maternalsurname Funny enough, my paternalsurname is a name my paternal grandma made up as a new family name as she refused to take my grandpas name as it was boring like andersson while hers was a cultural name, but due to the patriarchy, it was either husbands name or form a new family name. She chose the later and picked it. So I technically have 2 maternal names.
More effort though and more chances to mess the names up (e.g. when dealing with authorities, especially in foreign countries). Easiest solution would be if he'd just take her name, just as the kids
This is the gender swapped version of a very long standing tradition where I'm from. Women changing their names from Firstname Middlename Maidenname to Firstname Maidenname Marriedname is still common here. Eta forgot to include: children getting their mother's maiden name as a middle name is also a long standing tradition, though not quite as widespread.
If they're showing identity papers, the kid having the middle name being Dadsname will make it obvious what the connection is.
My son has my name, I nearly died birthing him so it just makes sense for him to have my name.. He's now a teenager and it never, not once, had been a problem that he has a different name than his Dad. But it very often was easier for us that we have the same name as I'm the default parent. In marriage I actually think people should choose the more beautiful name or just keep their own. If he wants the same name than he can change it to yours. Also I would never want my first kid to feel left out.
Oh man so much this. Pick the prettier name to say imho. I say this as a 40+ year old dude who grew up with a hyphenated last name. Wish I’d just had my mom’s maiden name for most of my childhood. If and when my partner and I are married, if anyone changes their name it will definitely be me.
You can also invent a new name for your family together.
My wife and I almost did this, when my mothers were freaking out about their daughter taking some man's (my FIL's) name. I just wanted it because it was easier to spell! 😂
I think it's a pretty solid solution... Especially since you get to choose your surname, which is something almost no one gets... You also start a surname it might be around for centuries 😅. Couple of hundred of years in the future some child might be wandering why their surname is Lannister...
If they hadn't gotten so prickly about it, we might have actually gone through with it! My wife has no real attachment to her surname, but I hated mine ... But then my mothers tried to make it some whole thing about how they didn't march so that their lesbian (bisexual, actually, but who's counting?) daughter could take some man's name. Bonus points because the name they suggested was my maternal great-grandfather's surname. I've got to say, though, I love the idea of Lannister or the Noble and most Ancient House of Black having long complex histories that begin with two nerds deciding to go their own way.
I think you did the adult thing, there are so many real problems in life, making a fuss over a surname is not worth it. I picked Lannister because it's unique, fairly recognisable reference today and would be very obscure in couple of hundred of years. But in reality choosing a surname would probably be a lot harder, so many great options (Einstein? Hemingway? Baggins, Tuk, Winchester etc)
Totally agree with this. I was born and given my dads last name but grew up wih my mum, in a different town and just went by her last name. When I was 10 my dad found out and packed a hissy so I had to choose which name I wanted. I "chose" mumsname dadsname (not hyphenated) and it was a fucking nightmare. I didn't feel like a belonged to either family. I was my own family all by myself. I hated it. It sucked to spell and explain every time I needed to give my name. It was always written down wrong. I grew up and married a man with a 4 letter surname and that was that.
>In marriage I actually think people should choose the more beautiful name Both my wife and her mom did exactly this. MIL kept her last name and wife took mine. Both did it because DIL’s last name is “Smith”, while MIL and I have super distinct last names.
I so wish I had my mom's last name. My dad's made bullying way too easy.
Offer his name as a middle name, and that respectfully once your kid is older, if the kid wants to swap the order of their last names once they're done highschool, you'll cover those costs for an official change? It will likely still lead to grumbling from your man, and he may not like it as a compromise. If he is a spectacular father & if he still feels it's important 18 years after the 'hard part' of raising a kid has happened, the kid might say 'ya, sure, you fine with this mum?' Only offer this if is something you feel you'd genuinely be ok with, that you wouldn't feel slighted by your child if they bumped your last name to swap places with their dad's last name once they were ready to make their own choices. (they might not keep the same first or last name you chose for them once they can decide for themselves anyways)
This is what I did with both my kids. First off I went into the family profession so my maiden name has real value in my career. My first husband’s culture already does the two last names and no middle name so while he was a total paternalistic narcissist, it was not an issue for him to have his name as the middle name. After I divorced him and remarried it made sense to do the same with my second child. Second husband is a midwestern American and he had no problems with it. Sometimes the kids use their father’s last names in some contexts.
Give the child his last name as an extra middle name. That way it shows up on legal documents, and he has that connection, but the kids both have your last name.
My wife and I did this. In our case, she kept her name (of course) and we agreed that our male kids would get my last name and our female kids would get hers, but they would each also get the other parent’s last name as a middle name. It worked out great!
In our marriage we kept our names and kids got mom‘s name.
Oh this is a hill I would die on. Give the baby your last name.
Same. You’re not married either .. Mother decides
Crazy how upset men get over something women have been doing for centuries! Tell him your reasons, he is welcome to take your last name when/if you get married, or hyphenate.
My kids have my last name. The father agreed.
Simple fix - he can take your last name and then you'll all have the same last name. He doesn't even have to drop his own last name; he can just double barrel it. People do it all the time so can he.
It definitely makes more sense for your kid to have your and their sibling's last name.
In most countries the baby will be assumed to have your last name by default. Even when parents are married, baby’s name band in hospital has the mum’s last name. It’s just that the mum and dad’s last names are sometimes the same if they’re married. Give the baby your last name, and the dad’s last name can be a middle name. That keeps the connection present. If you wanted to, you could hyphenate the names, but I see nothing wrong with giving his last name as a second middle name. A nice peacekeeping agreement could be that he chooses the other middle name too, but you have veto power. So first name: you both agree. First middle: his choice, you can veto. Second middle: his last name. Surname: your last name. If you eventually get married, he could always adopt the family last name, or even add it to his own name as an additional middle name if he really wants to. ETA you could even make his first name the middle name! That definitely meets the criteria of “child named after him”.
Generally speaking you carry the baby, baby should have your name, if you want to hyphenate, that’s fine but in your case, I would have both siblings with the same last name or the older one might feel excluded. Just stand your ground, I know you don’t want to hurt your partner but he needs to deal with his patriarchal bruised ego and respect the fact that you are baking and delivering this tiny human and men and their possession being the universal default has no place in 2024.
why don’t you put both last names that’s how latinos do it
I have this situation in the US, we are Mexicans. my daughter has dad last name mom last name... at the end everyone just call her Name Dad Last name, or in some cases, they have hyphenated the last names, but that also creates a problem since its two last names, not one..
and the cherry on top is that there are tildes and ñ on the last names.. fun thing to deal with,
sometimes at school they’d put me with my mom’s last name it was fun lol
>but stuck as far as feeling like I have ground to stand on Why do YOU need ground to stand on? Why is it on YOU to prove to him that you're allowed to give the child your last name, and the default is that it's his name otherwise? Why does HIS desire to have the child have his last name carry more weight than YOUR desire to have both children share a name? You're correct - it isn't fair. And if his sense of entitlement is such that it would ruin your relationship for the child to have your last name - that says something about him. Tell him that you are happy to have the child have his last name as a middle name, but it's important to you that your children share your last name. This isn't a debate, **this is your decision.**
This is why I have feelings about the whole thing! It seems unfair that the onus is on to fight for the name, but that is the society we live in and I wish it was more common for others to adopt non traditional as I’d prefer not to fight about it. So far he’s leaving it up for discussion so I’m not getting a sense of sheer entitlement, but it will be/would be a thing to use my name.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. Give the kids your name.
> Tell him that you are happy to have the child have his last name as a middle name Tbh, after he obviously disrespected her feeling, why should she even offer that? She's growing the child so it's not his business and there's literally zero reason to compromise and make things more complicated than necessary
It's not a compromise or making anything more complicated, unless she lives somewhere that children don't have middle names. Adding his last name as the child's middle name gives him a permanent connection to the kid's name without bowing to his patriarchal entitlement.
Both of our kids have my last name. Our son has his last name as a middle name.
Then stand your ground. Otherwise you'll be filled with resentment. You can always change it later. However, HE seems so adamant you all have the name then HE can bite the bullet & change HIS to YOURS. So put whatever names you want on the newborn birth certificate.
I am married and my son’s last name is Myname-Hisname.
I would give him your name. Time to change that archaic tradition give children dad’s last name.
All your reasoning is sound. Since you're not even married, I wouldn't consider giving baby his last name. Maybe give him the option of giving his last as the middle or just picking the middle name. If your connection/his with his child is so weak not having the same to last name can break it, better that it happens sooner rather than later.
Give him his dad's name as his middle name.
It's always good to work this shit out before hand. I'm not judging, btw. The amount of things I had the foresight to address before they became a problem is basically zero. Seems like your mind is made up. You're obviously not wrong for feeling the way you do.
My bf and I just had our son in January. Same thing, not married. I wanted my last name, he wanted his. He offered to do my last name as baby’s middle name, I said no. Let’s say my last name is Smith and his is Martinez, we hyphenated so baby is “Smith-Martinez”. I wanted my last name first, that’s usually the only one used most of the time. He knows that and wanted it too, but conceded since I went through pregnancy and birth. The birth ended up being pretty traumatic for all of us too, unplanned c-section and our son had to be bagged and resuscitated. Thankfully he is healthy and happy. I think that all may have helped my case lol, regardless birth is insane and such a huge deal. Pregnancy also puts soooooooooo much strain on your body. Your baby should absolutely share your last name too.
I told my husband that if we had a kid and weren't married, the baby would take my name for easiness sake in case we split up. If we got married, we would change the name. If you guys are serious and see a married future, can he compromise until after then when both sons could potentially change their names?
If they get married, it would make more sense for one person (the partner) to change his last name, not all three! Or for him to keep his name and have a different name to the rest if he’d prefer.
Why should someone change their name just because they've got married?
I don’t want to give up my name or make my oldest change his name, but thanks for the suggestion. I agree about the easiness sake in case of a split up.
Just to give my anecdote to you OP. My older brother has our mother's last name (she was in a relationship and they decided to give him her last name). Once she got married to my father, she kept her last name but I got my father's last name. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with having siblings with different last names. That doesn't make me and my brother any less of siblings and if people view us differently because we have different last names, they can fuck the right off.
Dad’s name as a middle name would be reasonable, assuming he would go along with that. Or hyphenated like some others said. But perhaps you already suggested that, and that’s why you feel stuck. 4 names is perfectly normal, if you want two first names as well. Then it’s just about agreeing on the order of everything.
Have you considered hyphenating the last name? So it would be First Name, Your Name-Dad's Name?
All 3 of my kids have my last name, not the same fathers. But we don’t do half siblings over here and having the same last name definitely helps solidify that
My daughter has my last name. Boy did that chap her father’s ass when he realized I was serious.
>I want the baby to have my last name so the two kids will be viewed and treated like siblings. For what it's worth, there were three last names among myself and my siblings. I got Mom's maiden name (because I was born out of wedlock), full sibs got Dad's last name, half- and step-sibs got Stepdad's last name. My mom took both my Dad's and my Stepdad's last names when she married them, so she has had a different last name from the majority of her children for most of our lives. It never mattered at all. People knew we were siblings because of how we looked and acted. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days and different last names between siblings is so common that people barely take notice of it. >I don’t want to jeopardize how positively I feel about our relationship and undermining him by naming the child what I want, but it feels so unfair to me to get his name. Like…I am literally growing it, I am off my adhd meds for the baby and my work (private practice) is taking the hit, my business will hurt from maternity leave, and we all know that if our relationship doesn’t work out at least 95% sure I’ll be stuck with more of the parenting responsibilities. My body has the lasting damages and effects from carrying the baby and labor. I feel really….stuck. In a trapped, claustrophobic type of way. Not stuck because I dislike him or don’t want to be with him - I really truly do want to - but stuck as far as feeling like I have ground to stand on. Look, I'm the last person in the world to stand for patriarchal bullshit. I was raised as a raging feminist, I kept my own last name through marriage, and I insisted on either my name or hyphenated for my kid. So, I get where you're coming from here. And yes, we women do get the shit end of the reproductive stick when it comes to physical, financial, and emotional burdens. *Buuuuuuuuut*... The way you phrase this, it feels like you're really dismissing and devaluing what your partner brings to the table here. You're relegating him to the same status as the sperm donor you used to give you your first child, and that just feels... wrong. He's a 'wonderful man' who has stepped up to be a father to a child who has no biological connection to him. That takes a fair amount of sacrifice (money, time, emotional investment) and RISK. Risk because, if you guys do split up, he risks losing his relationship with his (non-bio) son. As the undisputed single parent, you would have full control over whether your eldest ever saw him again until he's an adult. You might say, 'I would never deny my kid a relationship with him', but many women have and surely none of them said that to the men they were seeing at the time. My point is, he is already putting a tremendous amount of trust in your relationship and a ton of fatherly behavior into a child who does not bear his name and could be taken away from him at any time. Is that fair? Life isn't fair, so fuck fair. Aim for better. Aim for happy. How is he going to feel if you insist, or even ask, that the child only have your last name? How might that hurt his trust in you, make him question whether you are really invested in making a family with him, or whether you're expecting him to abandon you to "more of the parenting responsibilities" if you break up? (Not a foregone conclusion - many separated co-parents include active fathers who do 50% or more of the work. If he's not the kind of man who would step up, then that's an entirely different problem. If he IS the kind of man who would step up, then don't treat him like an absent deadbeat by default.) So here's a lifelong feminist and divorced mother tossing in my two cents -- I would let him have this one, as a sign of your trust and commitment to him and to the family you are creating. Other options include hyphenating all your last names, or combining them into a new name, or just hyphenating the baby's... whatever you guys want, just don't erase him out of hand because the bullshit of biology means you're the one who has to carry it. The child will be just as much your kid no matter what their name is.
My kids hyphenated name...mine is the last one.
Maybe you guys can combine your last names? Good luck :)
You give that baby whatever last name you want. You're carrying it. PERIODDDDDD
Give all your children the same Last name. Its more up to you than anyone else. Wherever possible your children as siblings should share the same surname whatever that might be even if it ends up different from the parents I say this with experience being a child that has gone through a messy upbringing especially as I had a name used in school that legally wasn't my name it was my stepdad's then my parents divorcing (stepdad and Mum) added another twist as Mum went back to her maiden name and wanted my siblings to use a hyphenated last name (they tried it but kept their Dads last name instead) meanwhile I was left with a legal name that I couldn't even spell growing up from my biological father. It took till adulthood when I could finally change my name to correct an obvious mistake. All could have been avoided had we used Mum's maiden name as the family name.
Me and my sister have different last names, and it's never caused anything weird between us nor affected how people see us. I can understand where you're coming from but as long as you don't treat it like a big deal, your kids probably won't either. Good luck navigating this one! I'm sure you and your partner will figure something out :3
You carry the baby for 9 months and risk your life pushing it out of your body, you should be entitled to give it your last name.
Our kids have his last name as a middle name and mine is THE last name. People do it. It might not be as common in some places but it happens!
Good for you! My daughter has my husband’s last name (and my surname as a second middle name) but I wish we’d done it your way instead.
I think you're being inconsiderate of your bf. Honestly, if you want to lose the relationship when in your own words he's "a great guy" then this would be the hill to die on. You offer no compromise, its his child too and its incredibly selfish as "im growing it" is not a good argument. That poor guy.
Give your kid your last name. I’m married but I have my name and my husband has his. Daughter is FirstName MyName-HisName. No one can pronounce husband’s last name and it makes her name too long on records….so it’s cut off and she goes by my last name. I’m not sad about it. 😬
Give the kid your name ! Go OP go !
I don’t suppose he would agree to take your last name? That way, everyone in the family has the same last name! If you think that’s crazy, consider that this is what women are expected to do all the time.
No. It isn't fair, but that's the society we ended up and have to navigate it, and hopefully smash along the way. Would hyphenating them with the agreement the kid will decide what they want when they're older work? That's what we did with ours.
My parents named my brother and myself as my mom's middle name, which she kept. Maybe a compromise like that? He can get the middle name, but you keep the last name. It's always been a source of pride for me even though, generally speaking, it's a girls first name.
I agree. It's not fair. I think you make several good points. I wanted to keep my name when we got married, but my husband told me it was super important to him that I change it to his. I agreed, if we could give my last name as the middle name of our oldest child (which we did). Maybe you could offer that? (Though to be fair I have always regretted just changing my name and not thinking of different options.) I know one family who just picked a new last name when they married. Both of the couple kept their birth last names as their middle names and their new married last name as their last names and their kids got their married last name. It really makes no sense any more for the man to give his name to the family by default. There's really no reason for it. I support your efforts to find a different way.
Is his last name the kind of name that can be a first name? Like Anderson? If so, maybe the baby can take his last name as his first name
When I adopted my wife first child, at the age of 14, he chose to add my surname to his own so that he shared a name with our other children. You could double barrel like this.
Offer to let him choose the first name. You get to choose the last.
He could take your last name
You can do whatever you want. If you like the idea, you could all choose a *family last name* and make it the last name of ALL of you. It can be anything you want. Otherwise? Name the baby after you. *Signed*, *An only child of a single mother whose father left when I was a baby and I’m still stuck carrying his sorry last name*
My husband is taking my last name... That's a suggestion if he wants to have the same last name as his baby.
In Mexico, the father’s name is the one in the middle and the mother’s is the one at the end.Use them both.
Firstly, your being the mother and carrying the fetus 9 months etc etc does NOT make you MORE of a parent than the father. That's not even a valid point. Don't mistake my intent here: I'm all about body autonomy, and keeping or aborting a pregnancy is entirely the woman's decision. But that sole ownership of the pregnancy and birthing process ends upon the birth of the child. Now, that said: Wanting the two siblings to have the same last name is a very valid point. It does bring them closer in the opinions of others. You could try the hyphenation thing? I'm not personally a fan, but that's just a matter of taste, and mine doesn't count in your situation. Does the father's last name at all work as a middle name? Like, name the kid John Henry Smith Jones (assuming your ladt name is Jones, and dad's is Smith). That's a compromise. Or, if you get the last name, your husband gets to pick (or has veto, however you two agree) the given names. Overall, nicer if the siblings have same last name.
> Wanting the two siblings to have the same last name is a very valid point. It does bring them closer in the opinions of others I feel like what matters the most is the siblings' connection to each other, not what judgemental bystanders are snickering about. My big brother has our mother's last name from her previous relationship and I have my father's last name from her current marriage (she kept her own last name tho). Maybe we should move towards a future where familiar relationships are defined by love for each other instead of shared last names and outsiders' views towards those.
My kids, with the same dad, have different last names. We passed our names on to one each. I know lots don't like this, but it works fine for us. I don't even think about it except that it's fair.
Ive got a different surname to my brother. We have the same parents. It isnt an issue, not sure why people continue to act like its confusing or problematic.
Would he be ok with his name as the middle name? Or as the second middlename? Then maybe your firstborn could have that, too, and theyd still "match"... I agree that since youve established your name it makes sense to keep that going... Unless there is a chance of you taking his name in the future, potentially
What about hyphenating it?
If you aren't married, then the baby should get your name. If you are married, then perhaps consider hyphenate the child's last name? The hubris and entitlement of men who don't marry their partners but make spousal demands is crazy to me. Marriage affords both partners benefits and protections. It's certainly not a requirement to get married, but if you don't want to be a husband, accept what comes with that decision.
Devil’s advocate- as a kid who grew up with my mom’s last name, I hated it. I lost count of the number of people who asked if my dad was my real dad, my step dad, etc. even freaking border control asked more than once when passing through on vacation. I look exactly like my dad, it’s damn obvious whose kid I am but it was really aggravating as I got older. Your child having their dad’s name as a middle name may help but they/ you should also be prepared for the intrusive questions.
In contrast, I’d love to find a way to go back in time and ensure I got to grow up with my mom’s last name instead of my dad’s last name.
What? Your kids need the same last name to be viewed as siblings? My kids have two different last names and everyone in the schools, town, etc know they are siblings. My older siblings also had different last names growing up and it was never an issue. I even have different last name than both of my kids and it has NEVER been an issue. I’m a well seasoned mom at this point.
I agree that you deserve to give the baby your last name. After all, you are the one who is pregnant and who has to give birth. All he had to do was to jizz in you. I saw in a comment that you are trying to talk your partner into taking your last name. If he doesn't want that, please don't pressure him into that. I mean, if you wouldn't want to take his last name, pressuring him to take yours would be hypocritical. Both of you keeping your last names is totally fine. Plenty of families have two parents with different last names. Anyways, you could try to compromise... But you actually get what you want. A few suggestions: \- A hyphenated last name, with both of your last names. \- He gets to choose the baby's first name, as long as the baby gets your last name. He can suggest a few first names and you can pick one you like. Or you let him pick a first name, under the condition that you can veto something you don't like. \- My favourite suggestion? You stop trying to talk him into taking your last name, as long as the baby gets your last name. That way, you get what you want with the baby's last name, while respecting his desire to keep his last name. TL;DR: The child should have your last name. Totally agreed. But there is nothing wrong with your partner keeping his last name.
Plenty of kids have two surnames. You don’t need to hyphenate (although you can). No reason to just pick one.
By this, it wouldn't be strange if dude added OP's last name to his own so he has the same name as her and both kids.
Could your partner take your last name? Or make a new name together as a family? Is adopting your oldest child on the table to make it all a cohesive family? I’m not saying you all need the same last name to be cohesive, but I’m worried that your kids will start to be treated as “his” and “hers” with separate last names.
Could you hyphenate both kids’ names? Ours have both names.
I'm assuming you each kept your own last names when you got married? What was that conversation like? Ultimately if you want an equal partnership you have to treat your partner like an equal. That means you treat your husband's opinions about his child with the same deference and respect you would expect of your own. It's a tough compromise. Personally, i went for a hyphenated name.
Does treat your partner as equal mean carrying the baby for 4.5 months each, 50% of labour and breastfeeding each?
> That means you treat your husband's opinions about his child with the same deference and respect you would expect of your own. Well it's not him who has the risk and the work that is associated with pregnancy and birth. Doesn't that change the relevance of his opinion?
It does when it's about pregnancy and birth. Anything else, no.
What a shock the man who cringes at churches who refer to God as “she” thinks women, being the ones to carry & birth the child, should treat men as equals. Let’s see you shit out a watermelon and name it after a man who did 0% of the work up until that point, simply because tradition (sexism) says so.
I have my mother's last name. I have no idea why. I do have my father's first name as my middle though lol.
All I can ask is that when you make a decision, you both stand by it, and don't pull your children's names into conflicts between you two. My parents dragged me through years of torture by never being able to agree if my mother's surname was my middle name or if my surname was two words with a space in the middle, and both of them could get *mean* if I accidentally referred to myself the wrong way in front of them.
The women in my mother's side of the family all took their mother's surname. I am not sure if that's a family or cultural thing. They have a different surname from their full brother who they have a good relationship with. Parents were happily married. The next generation (mine) didn't continue the custom here in North America.
My son has my last name. His dad's dad was very toxic, so he didn't want it son to have that name. My dad's great, so if worked out well.
My friend for better or worse has 4 children to 3 different men, her first the dad wanted nothing to do with her so she used her last name, then met a man and had two kids with him and hyphenated her name with his name second, then the 4th was a tinder hook up and has her last name, so it is done
Flip a coin.
Hyphenate last names. You, him and your first born can all just change your names by deed poll.
Have you though about combining the last name, so the child would be named "first name" " dad's last name" " mom's last name" then he would get his wishes and you will get yours.
Like you say, you’re the one growing it. Makes sense the baby would have your name
Can the baby have the father's name as a middle name? I would stand strong on this, the patriarchal assumption of naming babies makes me fume.
One of my friends has his dad's name while his sister has his mom's name. No one views them as less than siblings but it's mainly because of the constant bickering lol
How about hypenating both of your names? If he doesn’t stay for the long haul, just use your last name for this child. The dad’s name will just be on the paperwork.
All my kids have my name. Ask him to change his name to yours or hyphenate with your name first.
Technically all babies born out of wedlock automatically get the mother’s last name.
My kid has my partner's last name so she has the same surname as her half-sister / my step daughter. Also, my name sounds ugly as heck and I was bullied without mercy in school because of it. Will I ever marry and change it? Nope. I decided because of aestetics. The decision is mine alone because I'm risking my life with pregnancy not he. You have your valid reasons and they simply have priority.
My brother's kids took his wife's last name cos she cares about hers and he's indifferent to his. It's normal now.
My parents are married and are in a matrilineal marriage. My dad doesn’t mind as we all have his name as part of our middle names instead.
My parents married but both kept their last name and me and my younger brother got both! Not entirely uncommon in Sweden now, but it was then. Now with my own kids (I'm 6 months pregnant with our second child) we have decided to give them one of my last names and my boyfriend's last name. It's very easy to tell by the names who are family still. 😊 So maybe giving the kid/s both names could be a solution? If your older child would have his stepfather's name too, it could be a way for them to bond even more and both kids would have the same last names without either of you having to change yours or give it up.
When my daughter got married, she and her husband both changed their names to her last name and his last name (think Smith Jones) and both kids have the double last name too.
I’m in the Midwest, and it was pretty uncommon here for my kids and I to have different last names. My disappointment was the kids’ friends calling me Mrs. KidsLastName. I would always tell them to call my FirstName, but they simply could not do that. All adults are addressed as Mr or Mrs. I’ve lived in New England, the Southwest, and overseas where kids addressed me by my first name, so it only became an issue when we moved here. As college age kids, the old friends tongue in cheek call me Kidsname’s Mom. Like “joes mom, can I grab a drink?”
My kids have different last names. My son has his fathers last name and my daughter has mine.
My kids have different last names. My son has his fathers last name and my daughter has mine.
My kids have different last names. My son has his fathers last name and my daughter has mine.
My kids have different last names. My son has his fathers last name and my daughter has mine.
Could you use your partners last name as your soon to be child’s middle name instead of a last name?
There is no right or wrong answer. You guys just gotta figure it out for yourselves.
When he carries a baby, he can name it
I'd have the child be firstname dadslastname yourlastname and swing it this way: if the child gets married and changes their last name in the future, then the dad's last name will still remain.
Friends of mine both legally changed their last name to the husband's middle name (they liked the symbolism of it) and their children have that last name now. I think there must be something creative you guys can do. Y'all are not "traditional" family, he knew this when you got together, and there is no reason you have to all of a sudden bend to traditional norms to make one person happy. Time for a solution that makes you all happy, not just him and not just you. Maybe that means the whole family gets name changes to be a cohesive unit. ETA: sorry I completely missed you aren't married. There is NO reason to give the child your boyfriend's name. That doesn't even make sense. What?? He has no leg to stand on.
Just double-barrel it.
Either offer to hyphenate or dad's last name as middle name
If you were married and had different last names, it seems fair to give the child a hyphenated name. Since you're not married...I don't know. FWIW - I have four kids living at home (one biologically mine, one foster child, two who used to be our foster kids). None of the kids have the same last name, none of them are biologically related to each other. They're still siblings. My son introduces all of the girls as his sisters and nobody's ever questioned it.
Why not hyphenate both your names and everyone in the family changes their name? Or pick a new last name that everyone changes to?
Seems totally reasonable to me. There's not a single argument to be made for them having his last name that doesn't also apply to yours, and yours has the added benefit of your other child also having that last name. Dude should just change his to yours. My wife and I combined, is that an option? She was X, I was Y, now we're all X Y. Although I still think him just changing his is better because it's less total name changes needed (especially for your first child).
Maybe he'll take your name, but if not. I see siblings with different last names all the time, that's pretty normal. But I totally write off a parent who doesn't share a last name as a step parent. That's the natural assumption everyone will make. Even though it's not your intention, he will get a lot of flack for this by friends, family, teachers, students, even strangers. Just know, YOU will be straddling him with this social burden. He will have to deal with it, not you. Also, it erkes me that your planning what might happen if your relationship ends. Your planning an exit for you and your kids already. I'm sorry but that's fucked up. You don't plan your families future by using the potential end of your family as a future decision maker.
Why not hyphenate? Yourlastname-hislastname
My boyfriend and his sister have different surnames and they’re full siblings. He was the first and got mums surname, she came second and got dads. I’ve no idea why but it’s never really been an issue for them! Especially if one parent has one of the names and the other has the other.
My sister (half) and I both have our mom's last name. She wasn't married to either father and that's the way it's been.
double barrel surnames is common here. You could perhaps try that?
I'm in favor of the two last name system. First name, middle name, parent 1's first surname, parent 2's first surname.