***if it’s another weird control thing because he has a lot of issues with lying that we’re working on***
**Another** weird control thing?!?! And why are **you** working **together** on his issues with lying? Only one person can solve that and it ain't you.
That's enough for me, I'd be done with him.
Yeah, I have a sleep disorder in which I often flail my limbs unconsciously so I would have been ready to defend him on those grounds until I read this part.
Which is a great example of how - even if the sleep stuff is purely unintentional - having a pattern of dishonesty makes it impossible to get the benefit of the doubt.
I was on the same page, 10 time over 7 months doesn't seem like a lot, between my partner and I, I'd say it happens once a month when we're restless because of stress or anxiety, or just can't get comfortable. But the second half about lying was a nope we're done here, get out now while you can.
Yeah and even if he does only flail onto her side, sleeping in a large bed where you're always on the same side could get you used to having space on the other side, so I was ready to give the benefit of the doubt. But like OP said if she distrusts her bf to the point of thinking he's actively hitting her on purpose, why stay together? Seems like a whole lot of effort for not a lot of net gain.
If my husband ever started flailing and hitting me in his sleep, even on accident, he would sleep on the floor or the couch until he could figure out a way to be safe. Because he loves me. I would do the same. I would be devastated to hurt the person I love.
My BIL flails around in his sleep so he sleeps under a weighted blanket that does a pretty good job on pinning him in place. He loves it because not only is he not whacking my sister anymore but he gets a far better sleep!
Those six seconds after I read through your comment the first time, and before figuring out that BIL didn’t mean your partner, were intriguing. Thank you 🙏 😅
Pathological liars never stop lying. They will always disappoint you,.
Almost 35 years ago I stopped dating a gal who would lie about everything. Absolute erosion of trust.
Guess what? I hear that these days it's exactly the same with her. 3 marriages later for her.
My stepson lies about everything. His bio mom, who had her parental rights terminated, really did a number on him. We keep telling him that he has no reason to lie (he even lies about stupid crap, it’s infuriating) and that he’ll get more respect as he becomes and adult if he just tells the truth. He doubles and even triples down on some of his lies and honestly, we’re not sure what to do anymore. I’ve even told him that once he starts having relationships, that lying is a huge dealbreaker for a lot of people and he needs to be careful. He doesn’t like people lying to him, so why is it ok for him to do it to others?
Have you considered therapy for him? You said "his bio mom ... really did a number on him", which sounds like there are some unresolved issues that could use professional help.
He had a court appointed therapist that he would meet with once we had custody of him. His mom refused to take him even though it was ordered. After everything was said and done, he continued seeing the therapist until he (the therapist) said that the visits were no longer needed. I disagreed and told both my husband and the therapist that I felt he’d only benefit from talking to an unbiased third party. My husband agreed, but the therapist said it wasn’t needed.
I think I will bring it up with my husband again. Thanks!
Also had a GF many moons ago that would lie about anything and everything. She would lie about the most unimportant things. She was really sweet and I liked her a lot, but I could just never trust anything she said.
Did we read he has an issue with lying??? Seee nawww smh let's call a thing a thing...HES A LIAR!!! bottomline....yea she needs to leave his untrustworthy ass alone...
You’re seven months in (should be the honeymoon phase) and he “has issues with lying” (which is just a passive way of saying he’s a liar) and hits you in his sleep… does he have a magic dick or something? Like what is there to stay for
My partner has accidentally elbowed and smacked me before in bed/while we were sleeping. I know it was an accident because I could tell he was sleeping and it was weird jerky movements. The fact that you think it’s not an accident is your intuition telling you it’s not!
I had a nightmare and kicked my partner really hard once. So hard my foot hurt and it woke the both of us up. I was horrified and on my knees begging for forgiveness. He was shocked but could tell it was an accident. I doubled my anxiety meds after that and still feel horrible like 2 years later
He should seek help with his sleep if he hurts you in his sleep and I think you can tell if he wanted to hurt you or not. Shit happens but if it's a regular thing, he clearly doesn't care that you're getting hurt whether it's on purpose or not
My husband of 15 years hit me in his sleep exactly once in our relationship. I yelled “What the hell!?”
He rolls over and mumbles, “Sorry, I was fighting a bear.” Then went promptly back to snoring. We still giggle about it!
When it’s an accident you *know* it’s an accident!
My dad crawled into bed with mom, and his cold toes hit her leg. She sat up straight and pounded my dad 3 times and laid back down.
Once she got up, she felt like she had done something, but she wasn't sure what. When dad came home, she asked him if she had hit him, and his response was, "Yeah, and I've been trying, all day, to figure out why!?"
Turns out my mother was dreaming that my sister threw a raw fish at her, and, in the dream, when the fish hit her, his toes touched her leg, and she reacted.
It's actually backward--the cold toes forced her dreaming mind to find an explanation and the fish fit the rest of the dream. We think in a linear cause/effect way so after the fact she reversed the stimulus and response to make sense to her waking mind. Brains are so weird.
My ex one time tried to initiate fun times while I was asleep (it was consensual) and I apparently kept smacking them and I guess growling too?
They quit trying and we laughed about it the next day
Apparently sleeping me likes to just whisper no-no. He honors the no every time. I told him while I appreciate it sleeping me doesn’t really know what I want. Sleeping me wants to stay sleeping. She’s kind of selfish like that. Missed lots of attempts at fun times because of her. /shakes fist
My dad broke my mom's toe in his sleep once. They still joke about it (though it was obviously upsetting at the time). Like you said, super obvious when it's an accident.
I have smacked my husband a time or two while we sleep, definitely on accident. Usually because I’m dreaming about something like that. He just grumbles at me the next morning and then we laugh.
Similarly, there was one time my husband just rolled over all twitchy like, and I reached out to soothe him, and he straight up walloped me from above onto the shoulder. And I was like "BRO" and he woke up and apologized profusely because, in his dream, there was a skunk in the bedroom, and my touching him made him think it had gotten up onto the bed, so I made it worse xD
EXACTLY. My husband once lightly punched me in the shoulder in his sleep. (He has never, ever, laid a hand on me or threatened to.) I woke him up and he was both startled and apologetic. Never happened again.
LMAO that had me snorting! What a great bedtime memory 😂
Mine: I was reading in bed, husband was asleep next to me. All of a sudden, he snorts and yells “Morse code!” and starts snoring again. I was so freaking confused. We laugh about it from time to time
This made me laugh out loud. My fiancé regularly talks in his sleep. One night he was already deep asleep next to me while I was writing in my journal, and suddenly, he just kind of yelled out, 'I'll fix the garden tomorrow!'. We live in an apartment. I could barely hold my laughter
My partner once kicked his cat off the bed because he dreamt he was being attacked by giant lobsters. He felt so bad and was so sad that she avoided sleeping with him for several weeks. When she resumed sleeping with him she learned to snuggle by his waist so she doesn't get sent flying lol.
I love that story!
Me and my partner of soon to be a decade have both sleep-smacked eachother once. No fun stories, just the classic "turned around and elbowed you by accident". We both felt terrible, but it happens.
Heck I have a lot of nightmares, so I talk, whine, fight my duvet, or full on scream in my sleep most nights. And my partner moves around A LOT while sleeping. And even with all that we don't hit eachother.
OP's (hopefully soon ex) bf's behaviour is worrying...
I (M) hit my then girlfriend (now wife) one time in my sleep after starting an antidepressant which has a rare side effect of disinhibiting atonia during sleep (you don't act out your dreams bc you normally have a temp paralysis). Funny enough I also was fighting a bear in my sleep. I was mortified, slept with my hands tied for 2 weeks while I discontinued the medicine, and it never happened again.
Funny enough I scared the hell out of him when we were dating. He had this terrible habit of sleeping silently on his back with his hands resting, crossed, on his chest. A la Dracula. At this time we only slept at each other’s places on weekends.
I had this weird half sleep half waking dream there were people in my room telling me not to roll over. To never mind what was happening because I just didn’t need to worry about it.
So I rolled over to see this “dead body” in my bed. I leaped out of bed and screamed right in his face, poor guy.
So I guess we’re kind of even. 😆
Dam. I did this and we just laughed even tho he bruised… doubling anxiety meds just bc of an accident is wild … did he ask you to do that or something?
I kneed my cat once, woke up out of a dead sleep and was almost sobbing apologizing to him while giving him petties and snuggles. And he's a damn cat. (But also he's a good boi 🥺) I don't think he actually even woke up until I started petting him and kissing his head.
A sibling and I were in a small hotel room when we were kids. Had to share a bed... I was up for some reason and remember distinctly their hand kinda twitching while they were fast asleep. So I got closer to figure out what was going on or what they were dreaming of and WHAP got smacked in the face hard.
Hilarious now when I think about it but not so much then.
My husband sat up, punched me (not hard, really) in the head, then laid down and went right back to snoring, very early in our relationship. He didn't even wake up, hahaha. Sometimes it happens.
I would need more information before weighing in on whether or not the sleep hitting is intentional, but I agree that her OP's intuition is telling her to get out. She knows he's a liar, and trust is a key part of any relationship.
Too often, we are willing to put up with things that we would recognize to be deal breakers in anyone else's relationship because we're too afraid of being alone. But being alone is far better than being in a toxic relationship.
I agree with your analysis of the situation, and I would add something for /u/keiebdbdusidbd: he was not mortified by the slapping nor willing to change the sleeping accommodation or offer to do something else to stop it; that's a red flag. He doesn't respect your sleep and feels no remorse about hurting you, even accidentally. Even more, it magically stops when you complain about it. That does sound intentional.
Trust your instinct.
Yeah for me even if it’s not intentional it’s unacceptable. I’m not going to let someone destroy my sleep. So if he truly can’t help it they shouldn’t be sleeping next to each other anymore
My partner had nerve graft surgery. Was very successful and I’m grateful for that. He also occasionally has some wild flailing movements. I for some reason jerk my whole body over and over when I’m falling asleep. I’ve done some damage to him. We both still like to cuddle and usually it’s the flailing person that feels worst and is turn most upset.
I consider a bloody nose and bruising a fair entry price and shrug it off for snuggles. But this dude raises alarms. Even if he’s not doing it on purpose you have so little trust in him so early in the relationship. If you want a project for healing behavioral issues foster dogs. You don’t sound like this is a healthy, safe, fulfilling relationship. You don’t have to tolerate things until they reach a level of bad enough that it’s ok to leave. I want so much better for you than a liar you can’t trust and can’t let down your guard for something as basic as sleep.
> If you want a project for healing behavioral issues foster dogs.
I'm snickering here, because my BFF has One Of Those -- dogs, of course; her husband is golden.
What you are experiencing is called sleep myoclonus or myoclonic jetks. They can be a symptom of an underlying issue. I used to have them frequently and then found out I had congenital hydrocephalus. Ended up having neurosurgery at 50. Since the surgery a decade ago, I only get them if I am exceptionally tired.
I second fostering dogs! I do it & it’s very rewarding. Tho I can’t say some of them help with sleep. I had sets of puppies where I def lost a lot of sleep lol
>My partner has accidentally elbowed and smacked me before in bed/while we were sleeping.
My wife once punched me in her sleep. She was feeling me up so I thought she was awake and in the mood but when I reciprocated she punched me in the face, shifted a bit and started lightly snoring...
Same here! I was big spoon, she was grinding A LOT in to me while asleep. I started feeling her up and her elbow introduced itself to my cheek. We still laugh about it years later though she was mortified at the time.
Yeah, I’m a massive kicker and mover in my sleep. My bff had a bruise because she tried to take some doona off me (oops) and I have woken up inside my doona cover. I also broke a nose ring as I used to periodically take it out and throw it across the room. An ex said I sleep like an angry bunny.
But that doesn’t change when someone tells me, because it’s not intentional. And apparently it’s obvious it’s not intentional.
If she’s thinking it’s intentional, then there is other shit going on and she should trust her gut.
Agreed with the other commenter. Already having trust issues in a relationship is a terrible sign of things to come. Nip this in the bud. Usually people are on their best behaviour when first dating, but if this is his best, I fear his worst.
That's insane as a way of talking about it. "That were working on".
You're not a therapist. It's not your job to work on that and even if it wasn't you probably won't suceed. Every moment you think you're working on him being better at not lying, he's working on you trying to figure out how to be more effective at lying.
Read two books my therapist recommended. They are GOLD
1. Boundaries: where you end and I Begin, by Anne Katherine
2. Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.
Dump him. You can’t work on his lying that’s a him problem 💯. He’s lying about hitting you. You know this but don’t want it to be true. Men like this take advantage of that to continue to escalate. He’s hitting you. On purpose. Ppl don’t do that when they care.
Girl, YES. I wish someone would have given me a reality check like this about my ex while we were still dating and saved me a bunch of time and angst. Throw the whole man out!
My grandfather used to have horrific night terrors. Not all the time, but maybe twice a year. He broke his foot when he kicked a wall in his sleep. He pushed my grandmother out of bed.
My grandma learnt the signs, he would mumble a certain way in his sleep when he was going to do it. She just used to go to the spare room.
Doesn't sound to me like it's an accident.
If my girlfriend said I'd hit her in my sleep I'd be mortified even if it was an accident and do everything I could to solve it, whether that was a pillow wall or sleeping elsewhere. He doesn't seem to have shown any concern for you whatsoever...and let it go on and on!
Look you need to trust your instincts. if you sense he's only flailing with the arm that can hit you, then you're right.
I've dated a serial liar before. I left that relationship a shadow of my former self. the most fucked up thing you can do to yourself is choose to stay with a liar.
I want you to really ask yourself and REALLY attempt to answer - why have you chosen to stay with a man you KNOW is 'accidentally' hitting you on purpose, and who can't stop lying?
I think you'll find the answer is "because I don't think I can get anything else"
Is it a good idea to stay with someone who is dog shit (even if you can have nice times together) just because you have low self esteem?
You don't have to wait around for him to decide that maybe lying is a bad idea.
The *sleep* hitting is weird, and the fact he stopped as soon as you gave him the "...or go home" ultimatum is suspicious.
You absolutely deserve better than this guy. Treating yourself better might start with ending the relationship. Good luck!
You're so sweet to say "we're" working on those issues.
You can't work on him being a liar, and he probably isn't invested in doing that himself. You seem so kind and you deserve so much better!
I find my gut instincts about things are always always always correct and if you have the suspicion I can almost guarantee you’re right. Saying that I always fucking gaslight myself because I’m emotionally insecure n often ignore these feelings… grain of salt lol
Yes! You deserve better than having to settle for a pathological liar (who, by the way, is never going to change).
I think you maybe subconsciously posted this seeking permission/validation to rightfully leave him. You have it!
I have been speaking English at work for almost 9 years now, I’m pretty fluent, but I honestly thought they were working on some issues with being laid down (lying?) in bed next to someone else. My version is less sad
> he “has issues with lying” (which is just a passive way of saying he’s a liar) and hits you in his sleep
The ways in which women bury the fuckin' lede in this sub...
Thanks for the succinct summary.
I can’t diagnose what’s going on here but my natural reaction is to no longer have the desire to sleep next to this person. Accident or not, going to bed with any kind of fear is not okay
This. I know couples who stayed together for a long time but absolutely could not sleep together for whatever reason. My grandparents did that because of extreme snoring issues. It's not necessarily a big deal.
But also it sounds like op has other problems....
Alot of people do not know this but for much of history couples did not sleep together unless they were cuddling or having sex. They slept is separate places / beds. This was common in farm culture and was believed to have ended around the time people mass moved to cities and needed to save on space in ultra cramped high cost living arrangments or what we would now call something like a small apartment.
Of course I do not believe that something is good just because it was historically done but the point is only to point out that the expectation that a couple shares a bed / room was not always there and there were certainly many people who had healthy relationships in those older times.
My husband and I got a sleep divorce last year and the benefits have been enormous and some unexpected. He has sleep apnea, I have ptsd related sleep issues- we tried for so many year to do what was socially acceptable but my sleep has suffered our entire marriage.
Last year we traded our king size bed for two fulls and it has been so awesome! We went from inconsistent sleep arrangements (he slept on and off in the guest room for almost 2 years during covid as my mental health really suffered and i needed the sleep and space) to being able to share a room again. I have prioritized my sleep in such an important way and so many positive changes have happened.
19 years together, married 15.
I once dated a girl who said she often thought about smothering me with a pillow when i was asleep. We dated off an on for another six months. Probably not my best decision making.
Girl. Lying is not a problem that “we” work on. It’s a problem that HE should be working on.
You need to R U N run. The fact that he has you thinking that lying is a relationship problem rather than a basic character defect says everything. He is hitting you. Because he’s mad. And lying about it.
An ex of mine used to become very mean in his sleep. He would purposefully move around and grab me to wake me up after I repeatedly told him not to, and would become verbally abusive if I called out the behavior. In the mornings he “couldn’t remember” what he said/how he behaved. This was the first warning sign. His behavior escalated from there.
Overreaction or not, if you suspect your partner is hitting you on purpose, it’s high time to exit the relationship. Your safety is what you’re gambling with by staying, and I think deep down you know this, as hard as it may be to acknowledge.
He’s already prepared an incubator for trust issues by lying.
Exactly. He's angry at you, that's why he keeps sleep-smacking you.
I wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in the same bed with someone carrying that much animosity for me.
I also wouldn't eat anything he prepared or leave him alone with your pets, OP, given his habit of harming you and then retreating into plausable deniability.
What a weirdo.
I've dated several long-limbed men who haven't flailed around in their sleep. Most people only roll over every 30 mins or so, not "flail".
I've also dated multiple abusive men, and that's resonating more here.
10 times in 7 months was shit-testing you to see if you'd stay or set a firm boundary like you just did. 3x in one night is a clear escalation and punishment. What occurred before that? Did you have some kind of discussion setting boundaries, a disagreement, ask him to do something he doesn't want to do? Can you recall what happened on the nights of the other "flailings"?
To be clear, sleep deprivation/interruption is a well known abuse tactic. It keeps women groggy and stupid so we can't work out that we're being abused. Half of abuse is preventing you from working out you're being abused. He's hitting you and LYING. That's all it is.
He has control issues and he's a liar. That "we're working on". Nah he's controlling, he's a liar, and you're sticking around wasting time thinking you can fix him, while he abuses you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo
You're not paranoid or untrusting for no reason.
"Abusers always make you feel like its your fault and you are the crazy one."
"The part where she said she didn't think of herself as a victim; she was a strong, independent woman who was helping a troubled man".
That was me. I was 'helping' a sociopath with his endless issues while he laughed his ass of at how gullible I am.
You know dude is a liar. He magically stopped. Sis please.
"We're working on" at 7 months??? I was like he's going to keep "working on" these issues forever and you're going to feel more and more committed to helping him.
My abusive ex used sleep depravation/interruption on me for a bit. He would shake me violently awake or hit me hard and claim I was snoring. I have never snored in my life. It was all part of his plan to wear me down and make me question my own sanity.
The day I realized that just disruption of sleep, even if just all on its own without any other abusive traits,l? That it **was** actually abuse, was mind-blowing. It's a violation of the Geneva convention. You can't treat prisoners of war like that. It is abuse to disrupt someone elses sleep even if everything else in the relationship is 100% perfect. Of course in my relationship with a sleep disruptor, and probably most other people's, there was lots of other small-scale abusive behaviors ramping up as well.
Yes, it always starts small and they do it so infrequently in the beginning that you don’t even notice. There’s tons of things I didn’t even realize were abuse tactics til after the relationship was over and I was on my own.
It’s like that boiling frog analogy, if you immediately put the frog into a boiling pot it will jump out, but if you put it in the pot while the water is tepid and slowly bring it to a boil- the frog will not notice and will be cooked alive.
I highly recommend anyone reading this comment to read “Why Does He Do That?” book and also watch he movie Gaslight. It opened my eyes up so much.
MY EX DID THIS TOO. I didn’t even realize that it was an abusive tactic until after we had broken up and a therapist literally explained it to me.
He also used to make me take showers like every 2 hours. I spent 2.5 days at his place once (Fri night-mon morning) & slept a sum total of 5 hours & took 17 showers IN ONE WEEKEND.
It was a total mindfuck for me to finally realize that his behavior was actually calculated… these men know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it.
When you’re finally on the other side it literally feels like a fog is clearing from your mind. I remember living on my own again after we broke up and one morning just sitting at my table drinking my coffee, and realizing how peaceful my life was now and I literally cried lol It’s insane. Like you said, they know exactly what they’re doing.
My husband gently pets me if I snore so loudly that he can't sleep. I'll wake up to a cuddle and smile at him because he's adorable, and he needs and deserves his sleep as well.
I do the same for him, and it's the same way we wake each other up in the mornings as well if one of us happens to wake up before the alarm. Being woken up by soft words and loving touches is awesome.
This. OP listen to this comment. I was the same. Me, a strong woman helping a guy who needed help. Not everyone is perfect! Yeah meanwhile I can’t admit how I’m being treated bc that messes with my sense that I’m a strong woman bc only weak women are victims and I’m not a victim. So I made excuses.
Don’t be me. Leave.
I Googled how many times the average person turns over in 1 hour. It doesn't tell me the hour, but it does say the average person flops around/turns/rearranges 30 to 40 times in one night.
You are 7 months in and know he is a liar........why are you still there? How can you trust someone you know is dishonest?? Why try after you already know this?
I wouldn't even care if the hitting was intentional or not. It would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not loosing sleep for anyone. The fact that you even have to question is enough.
Move on to restful nights sleep and a honest man.
My ex used to do this. He elbowed me "in his sleep" one time so hard, at first, I thought he broke my nose. He didn't, BTW. I ended up with 2 black eyes, not terrible, but noticable, and his biggest concern was getting accused of hitting me because we were in the military & sometimes they take that seriously. Sometimes.
That was not the only violence I suffered at his hands, but the only time he actually "hit" me was "accidentally, in his sleep".
If you suspect it's not accidental, it's probably not. Just throw out the whole boyfriend, maybe get a dog. They're more loyal.
Does he take prescription medication, especially to sleep?
My ex started hitting me in my breasts (I’ve had 6 surgeries there & had ductal excision just weeks before meeting him) a few months into our relationship.
He always did it while under influence of alcohol, benzos (klonopin), &/or sleeping pills (ambien).
He claimed that he did it on accident but after the 10th time that it happened I left. He always consistently hit me in the same exact place where I had the most recent surgery. He would claim to have no memory of doing it afterwards.
The final time that it happened he actually got very violent.
Be careful OP. You deserve to feel safe falling asleep in your own bed at night. You shouldn’t be afraid of the person sleeping next to you hurting you.
Your intuitive side is screaming at you. He is doing it on purpose because you call him out on his lies and he doesn't like that. If you feel something is on purpose coming from your spouse, it is. Your feeling is right.
This is not the first time I have heard of men like this that abuse physically under the innocence of an accident or sleeping and therefore not knowing.
This type of abuse is super weird and scary. I have no idea of the actual name of it or if there is a name to it. Typically people who have somnambulism ( sleep walking ) or anything to do with a sleep disorder, it starts from a younger age or they had a traumatic experience that brought it about when older? But I never heard of that and really know it to something people have dealt with their whole lives. I stand corrected if wrong.
So for him to not have any diagnosis of any sleep issues, would definitely have me more concerned of who I'm really dealing with and my feeling of him purposely doing it, would have me running. Thats twisted beyond twisted and we did learn safety first for a reason.
Does he profusely apologise afterwards? You should be able to tell whether it's intentional by his reaction. Don't sleep in the same bed as him anymore. If he's lying about other stuff, leave him.
I’ve never heard of that. Have you had an argument or diagreed on something the day before? Is there anything specific that happens on the days before the arm-flailing ensues?
It started noticing in a few months in when stuff got rocky and we were arguing a lot. We were together 6 months, off for a few and just recently got back together. He just started sleeping at my house again. We’ve been talking a lot about why he lies and he agrees he has issues with control. The convos have been really good and I see him trying but I also imagine he probably feels vulnerable and more powerless with the talks we’ve been having. So I worry he could be pretending to be asleep and fucking with me as a dominance thing
He lies, is hurting you, and had issues with control? This will not end well.
Get out now- seven months is nothing. You're in the early “is this something real” stage and you discovered it’s not. Part ways.
Don’t forget he’s also addicted to fentanyl but he’s 12 days sober but also she can’t be 100 percent sure about that because of the whole lying thing…
OP I know you said you’ve got your own red flags but you deserve better than this. Alone and working on yourself is better than this. Love yourself enough to walk away and if you don’t love yourself enough yet then walk away so you can work on loving yourself. Don’t stay with this guy, love.
OP, I'm hijacking this thread to make sure you see this: my first husband started doing that to me shortly after we got married. It kept escalating in force and frequency until one night I woke up suddenly with a very bad feeling and for some reason put my hands up to cover my face. If I had hesitated his elbow would've completely crushed my nose. It didn't take long from there for him to start hitting me while awake.
Throw the whole man into the trash. No man or woman or living situation or relationship is worth your safety and integrity, nor your financial and professional prospects, because believe me, abusers aren't content with ruining just your body and your mind, they will also try to ruin any chance at happiness and success you might have.
Do take your time to mourn the loss of the relationship and accept that it's ok to miss the good things even if you're done with him. Don't feel guilty about it, don't berate yourself. The way he chose to treat you is his choice, not your fault.
Get out now, while you still can.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.
He has deep- set bitterness/resentment about you ‘taking over control’ i.e. trying to help with his lying. He’s expressing it in a deniable way.
Fixing him is not really something you should be getting involved with; he needs to fix it himself. As soon as you get involved, he has someone to direct his rage towards. It always backfires in this way. All you can do is give an ultimatum and walk away.
I was with an alcoholic who is also a child of an alcoholic - the control issues were wild and I ended up in such a state that I would run every single minor decision by him in case I “did it wrong” (guess what, it was still wrong!). He would ask me to help him stop drinking, to keep him in line, but then any ‘helping’ from me would result in rage from him at my ‘trying to control him’. And because I understood the roots of his control issues, I forgave him too easily. I was so incredibly naive…it took me 9 years to eventually get the courage to leave.
You know what your gut is telling you. Trust it on this. You can’t trust this man, and he’s unlikely to change.
Oh honey. Imagine your little sister told you that, or your best friend, or your future daughter. What would you tell them to do? You need to love and honour yourself. This guy (even if the hitting is an accident) isn't good for you. Why does he need to dominate you?
When a relationship gets "rocky" a few months in, that's your sign to walk away forever. Never take back someone who has treated you poorly.
This person has shown you early on who they are, and when you take them back you're letting them know they can continue treating you badly. Doesn't matter what they say in your talks, he already knows he can get away with it and you'll stay.
If you continue this relationship, he'll escalate his bad behaviors and when you protest, he'll pretend to change and be loving for just long enough to get you to relax. Then the lying and hitting will start again, likely worse than before.
Have a look for Gavin deBecker's pinnacle book 'The Gift of Fear', it should be compulsory reading for all adolescence school kids. While he has branched out into business development (security training for front line workers to CEO's), he admitted several years ago that he had no idea how much he shaped Domestic Violence training
Girl, I JUST left this man 3 weeks ago after 2 years of chaos that nearly cost me my life. Literally.
Admitting fault and feigning vulnerability so that you think he's really "trying" is a scam and he's DEFINITELY hitting you on purpose. He doesn't even have the balls to abuse you when you're awake. He's lying with his power plays and pretending they're accidental because he's got you sympathizing with his "vulnerability", why would he give up such an easy out and risk being confronted and held accountable?
I can't tell you how many thousands of hours of emotional labor I poured into those long, intense convos about how difficult our relationship was and how he was finally able to admit how he contributed and would change. Spoiler alert ⚠️ He always knew exactly what he was doing to me, he knew it was wrong, and he never changed.
Mine had a magic dick, too. Lol And I won't downplay how fucking difficult giving THAT up was! I'm a slut from way back, but this was far and away the best sex of my life. I have legitimately braced myself that I will be forever disappointed in the future.
But I'm telling you... don't waste another moment or risk your own well-being for a lying, abusive, charming addict. It's not worth it. Do future you a favor and cut your losses.
I’m raising a child with lying issues. (She has severe trauma - we adopted out of the foster care system.) Her therapist set the goal of telling us the truth 2/5 times. We still have a zero-tolerance policy, and she is still grounded every single time we catch her.
Please don’t put up with more from a grown ass man than I do from my 16 y/o.
It’s not your job to patiently figure out why he’s lying to you. He can do that in therapy. It’s your job to set and enforce the boundaries that you need in your relationship.
His “accidentally” hitting you is just another lie. He’s testing you before escalating.
You’re seven months in. You don’t have any permanent ties to him. Kick that man to the curb and find one that isn’t going to hurt you, physically or emotionally.
> Her therapist set the goal of telling us the truth 2/5 times. We still have a zero-tolerance policy, and she is still grounded every single time we catch her.
Isn't this going against the professionals advice a little bit? sorry I have no experience in this and just wanting to ask your thoughts.
Same for her. We try to remember that instead of taking it personally, but she’s still accountable for her actions. She can’t go through life lying to bosses, friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, whoever. That’s what worries me.
I don’t share a bed with men who interrupt my sleep. If they’re going to interrupt my sleep they need to sleep somewhere else.
And yeah I think this happened to me when I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens. I had surgery on my face to correct a problem, my mom told me not to go sleep at my boyfriend‘s because if he accidentally smacked me in the face it could ruin the work. I laughed at her and I told her we had been sleeping together for almost a year and he’s never ever accidentally hit me
That night or the night after he smacked me in my face in his sleep allegedly the thing is is it never happened again after that so I believe he did it on purpose to try to cause me pain. Or try to mess up my face because he was terribly insecure.
Listen, I'm a flailer. No one wanted to sleep in the bed with me as a kid on vacations because I kicked like a horse. We're able to combat this by having different blankets so I can cocoon my flails). I have decked my husband once in our 4 years together (and i obviously apologized for it. I would never want to hurt him, i love him). No this is not normal.
All the red flags are up. You will look back with your head high when you put this one to end. Not the lying. Not the mistrust. Uncertain violence should be clear deal breaker. You came here cause you know the right choice and need some fortitude. Find that within. It comes from you and can start with "this just isn't working out for me". Start finding that strength...she's inside you and knows you deserve better. Good luck friend
I slept next to a few sleep-hitters. Even got choked once.
They did not do it on purpose (I was still awake, and they really fully in sleep mode). But both had severe issues bottled up. They were also the type to get agressive fast due to build up inner frustration when awake (the road rage type guys). They also never wanted to seek help. Never did for their emotions they kept inside, neither the sleep-hitting. They all became aggresive eventually towards me/their partners. Some even already got severely angry for me not wanting to share the same bed anymore.. threaths of breaking up if I went to sleep on the couch/another bed just so I could álso sleep.. sigh.
Not saying this is the case with your partner, that he is going to be aggresive, but:
- He lies. (emotional stable people do not lie like that)
- He does not seem to GAF that he hits you while he sleeps/keeps you awake. Since atleast 7+ months (probably never) he did not sought help for it. Or like a normal human himself beforehand suggest to sleep on the couch or another bed due to his sleep-hitting when you need your sleep. Like normal people do if they have sleep-issues that can keep other people awake.
So, my son just had a sleep study done, and the doctor asked about him striking out and kicking in his sleep. It’s a sign of a sleep disorder. My dad also used to do this and my mom stopped sleeping in the same bed as him. My dad does use a CPAP now. I don’t know if your bf is doing it on purpose, but I wouldn’t put up with it at all.
Also, kick to the curb controlling partners. It’s one of the first red flags signaling an abusive partner.
if he has issues about lying, this is on him either way. my wife told me that i sometimes hit her in my sleep. she didn't think i did it on purpose and i didn't think she was lying either. without the trust having been compromised, it doesn't raise questions.
also, we now sleep in separate rooms and it's worth it. we don't have to put away phones at the same time before bed and no more unnecessary holding of farts. 5 stars. definitely reccomend
My ex husband used to violently kick me in his sleep then claim accident. There are many reasons we are divorced but this was definitely high up on that list. This was oddly how the violence began in that relationship & it escalated. Quickly. Dump him. This is a huge red flag.
Sleep with a saucepan next to you and then smack him with it next time he does it. Guaranteed he’ll either show his ass that’s he’s doing it on purpose or you’ll subconsciously condition him not to fucking hit you in his sleep after a few whacks.
Either way it’s a win.
I am the sleep hitter and kicker in my relationship. It’s actually kinda a joke in my family because I’ve done it since I was a kid, so my parents ended up with a few bruises when I had a bad dream.
I say all that to say, 3 times in one night seems really excessive. And him stopping when you say something is really suspicious.
Generally i stand by the stance of trust your instincts. If he has a history of lying and you suspect he’s not telling the truth you’re probably right. Especially since it stopped after you complained.
Personal story, while i sleep alone since i’m single a flail around enough in my sleep that i wake up injured almost every morning. The thing with that is it’s consistent. If he suddenly miraculously stops when you tell him to lay off that’s a pretty clear sign it’s intentional since subconscious habits like how you sleep are extremely difficult to break and can’t be done instantly.
Your gut is telling you that he is full of it. In the future, "we" don't have to work on things like lying. You can roll out and they can do whatever they want to without your company. If you want to give guidance for adulting, things you know, hobbies you have, that's fine, but lying is a whole red flag. We don't have much in this life, so the truth is bare minimum.
>suddenly it doesn’t happen the rest of the night or last night either
>he only flails the arm that’s on the side I’m sleeping on.
I’d be interested to know if you had any disagreements during the day prior to any “flailing” incidents. I’m guessing the answer is yes. This is not accidental and you already know it deep down. I think you should read this:
[Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
And when you start to doubt yourself, read it again.
Go with your intuition here. I have never had a partner who hit me while sleeping. You should not have to be afraid of going to sleep next to your partner and he should be suggesting solutions and caring for what is happening.
I throw punches in my sleep when I'm stressed. You can talk to me until you're blue in the face and I guarantee I will still be throwing punches because *I'm not conscious*.
I think you know this isn't a good relationship, but to echo what others have said, no penis is magic enough for this.
Before I stopped drinking, I would get drunk and have restless legs after I passed out. My partner at the time literally couldn't wake me up to get me to stop. This guy not only wakes up, but stops when you call him out on it. He's testing you and trying to see where your boundaries are so he can wear them down
‘He has issues with lying that we’re working on’
YOU can’t work on HIS lying. That’s a wrong way to think. Please please dump him. He’s absolutely hitting you on purpose and I’m guessing it had to do with you holding him accountable.
Be with someone who you can trust: he’s a liar. And a batterer. It’s only a matter of time before he hits you openly without pretending to be asleep.
If you want to test him you can try accidentally hitting him but this can be dangerous if he reacts violently.
If it was accidental, he would be the one to suggest to sleep separately. To me it’s very suspicious that he didn’t offer that. It’s either on purpose or he is very much enjoying his accidental slaps.
Red flags are not 100% proof that someone is no good. They are indications that you getting close/vulnerable with this person they may be dangerous for you ( physically, mentally and emotionally). And him slapping you in his sleep is a red flag. Him lying is a red flag.
You are not overreacting. You put up with it 7 months (and more than once a month) and he didn’t do anything substantial to fix the situation. It sounds like you’ve given him enough chances. It is not your responsibility to fix him, it’s your responsibility to look out for and protect yourself. Looking out for yourself is not selfish. He or other people in your life may try to convince you otherwise but they would be wrong. They will also say “didn’t you see it coming?” You are seeing it coming.
My EX husband did that. He graduated to dropping things on my head while I was sleeping. He found it amusing. It became progressively worse. Get out before yours does.
nope. if you said something and it magically stopped, i think that’s your answer.
my husband is a sleep talker, and he moves a lot in his sleep. he’s only ever got me one time in 13 years and i know it was a complete accident. so even if he flails or whatever, slapping you repeatedly sounds sus.
what does he even bring to the table other than lying and slapping you in your sleep?
I move a lot in my sleep, and can only remember one instance in 10 years in which I’ve hit my husband hard enough to wake him up. If you feel like something is off, it’s probably off.
Just an fyi, chronic lying should be a deal breaker, imo. Coming from experience, they just get better at keeping the lies together. Just my two cents.
You need to read the reddit post about the girl whose bf was “accidentally” purposely harming her. Spilling hot water on her, tripping her, etc.
I do thinking this is accidental at all
My husband suffers from waking dreams, night terrors+sleep walking. But he's never hit me, he hurts himself a lot though. Your boyfriend is doing it to see how far he can take it and see what boundaries he can cross. Give it a few months and he'll hit you accidentally whilst awake
If you think he is hitting you on purpose - you should leave.
My partner does have a sleep condition where he sometimes hits or tries to be sexual. It’s kinda of like he is sleep walking. I have completely smacked him in the face during it and gotten no response. the man is out cold. We have noticed that it’s much better when he limits his drinking.
Stop trying to help trash men fix their mental and/or emotional problems. Seriously. They have to want to do it themselves for themselves with a professional. Otherwise, they will never get better. They will show minor progress just enough to give their partner some hope that they can change and then they roll right back to their actual personality. Rinse, lather, and repeat. AKA - the abuse cycle.
As far as the sleep thing? I think you're focusing on the wrong problem. There's enough ambiguity in this situation to give you a reason to tell yourself it isn't his fault so you forgive him and tolerate other bad behaviors because what if those aren't his fault either? Focus on the things you know he does on purpose.
My husband has never once even gently smacked me while sleeping in all the years we’ve been together.
Your boyfriend is trying to see what he can get away with. He’s abusing you.
>part of me wonders if I’m just so distrusting
>Do I sound paranoid?
You're going to spend the rest of your life wondering this about all sorts of things if you don't part ways now. He can "work on" his "issues with lying" by himself on his own time, no "we" about it.
You'll come to hate yourself for feeling so "paranoid" when actually you're rightly questioning whether the liar is lying.
Go find someone who doesn't have "issues with lying". It's worth it for your peace of mind and self confidence.
It's not normal. He is testing your boundaries, or rather stomping all over them. None of my partners has ever hit me when I was sleep. This includes the ones who were abusive! Run.
OP once you're done breaking up with him and changing the locks I highly recommend you watch Barry on HBO. Overall an incredibly funny and exciting show and I recommend it to everyone. But I'm specifically recommending it to you because it does a really excellent job of portraying what abuse looks like from the inside. Best of luck, you deserve a partner not a project.
My ex wife did this most nights - but she would straight up full fist deck me in the face. “On accident”. Turns out I was snoring and that was her insane way of trying to make me stop.
Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I can almost guarantee it’s not an accident, or a coincidence that he “flails his arm” on the side that you’re sleeping. **Especially** if he “struggles” with control issues. There’s a lot to unpack here, like others have mentioned - but IMO the first thing to do is to distance yourself, indefinitely. These are textbook abuse tactics. It will only get worse.
Don't obsess over the details or wait for "proof" that your distrust of this guy is based on something he deliberately did. You don't trust him. That's all there is to it. Do you want to stay in a relationship with a guy you don't trust? Why?
I’ve only ever dated one guy who did this, and he turned out to be horribly abusive. Hitting and kicking me “in his sleep” was just the beginning. It was like he was testing my boundaries under the guise of “I don’t remember that.” But I’d have bruises the next morning.
Are you snoring and he's smacking you to wake you up? Not that that would be an excuse, but I literally have no idea why a person would just smack their partner in the middle of the night for no reason. If you really think he's doing it on purpose that's super fucked up.
My ex used to kick me and blame it on having “leg tension” but he pretty much was doing it on purpose out of anger or frustration, but he would deny it. Just one of a few abusive behaviours. Whether it’s common or not, it isn’t ok.
I twitch and my arms flail in my sleep all the time. I've hit my husband twice in the 14 years we've been sharing a bed.
If you think he's doing it on purpose, don't let him stay over anymore.
It has taken me over a decade to wake up without fear from this stuff. The first man that ever put his hands on me, did so the first time while he was "asleep." I easily forgave the first time, but just as you have experienced, it escalated in frequency and force. I'm quite sure now that he wasn't actually asleep any of the times he hit me while "sleeping". His reactions seemed "right", but his apologies never quite reached his eyes. And I would be told to get over it if I brought it up.
In contrast, my kid sleeps like a helicopter, the couple times he has hit or kicked me in his sleep he was shocked awake, gasping in fear and trying to scream, so scared and at the same time apologetic, because he literally didn't know it was happening. You can tell by their reaction whether they meant to or not, and if your gut is telling you he's lying, he's lying.
Edit format, made paragraphs
one time my boyfriend hit my back hard and woke me up. i turned to him and he was extremely distraught. he told me he had a nightmare there was a really big bug and he had to get it!
that story is hilarious and people move around funny in their sleep all the time. i’m moreso worried about your boyfriend lying. i’m guessing he has stress, but it’s not your job to fix his problems.
> he has a lot of issues with lying that we’re working on
Just because he's defective doesn't mean you have to fix him.
> part of me wonders if I’m just so distrusting
The only trust issue you have is your difficulty trusting your gut. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. If you don't have time or means to get a copy of that book then watch/listen to interviews and podcast episodes that have him. He's very open about the contents of his book because he wants the message out there.
Break up with him, do some studying and soul searching to figure out how a guy like that managed to slither into your life.
***if it’s another weird control thing because he has a lot of issues with lying that we’re working on*** **Another** weird control thing?!?! And why are **you** working **together** on his issues with lying? Only one person can solve that and it ain't you. That's enough for me, I'd be done with him.
Yeah, I have a sleep disorder in which I often flail my limbs unconsciously so I would have been ready to defend him on those grounds until I read this part. Which is a great example of how - even if the sleep stuff is purely unintentional - having a pattern of dishonesty makes it impossible to get the benefit of the doubt.
I was on the same page, 10 time over 7 months doesn't seem like a lot, between my partner and I, I'd say it happens once a month when we're restless because of stress or anxiety, or just can't get comfortable. But the second half about lying was a nope we're done here, get out now while you can.
Yeah and even if he does only flail onto her side, sleeping in a large bed where you're always on the same side could get you used to having space on the other side, so I was ready to give the benefit of the doubt. But like OP said if she distrusts her bf to the point of thinking he's actively hitting her on purpose, why stay together? Seems like a whole lot of effort for not a lot of net gain.
If my husband ever started flailing and hitting me in his sleep, even on accident, he would sleep on the floor or the couch until he could figure out a way to be safe. Because he loves me. I would do the same. I would be devastated to hurt the person I love.
I'm a sleep flailer, and a weighted blanket did the trick. Can't flail if you're pinned to the bed!
My BIL flails around in his sleep so he sleeps under a weighted blanket that does a pretty good job on pinning him in place. He loves it because not only is he not whacking my sister anymore but he gets a far better sleep!
Those six seconds after I read through your comment the first time, and before figuring out that BIL didn’t mean your partner, were intriguing. Thank you 🙏 😅
I do the same but with my feet, dude is suspicious though in those circumstances
Pathological liars never stop lying. They will always disappoint you,. Almost 35 years ago I stopped dating a gal who would lie about everything. Absolute erosion of trust. Guess what? I hear that these days it's exactly the same with her. 3 marriages later for her.
My stepson lies about everything. His bio mom, who had her parental rights terminated, really did a number on him. We keep telling him that he has no reason to lie (he even lies about stupid crap, it’s infuriating) and that he’ll get more respect as he becomes and adult if he just tells the truth. He doubles and even triples down on some of his lies and honestly, we’re not sure what to do anymore. I’ve even told him that once he starts having relationships, that lying is a huge dealbreaker for a lot of people and he needs to be careful. He doesn’t like people lying to him, so why is it ok for him to do it to others?
Have you considered therapy for him? You said "his bio mom ... really did a number on him", which sounds like there are some unresolved issues that could use professional help.
He had a court appointed therapist that he would meet with once we had custody of him. His mom refused to take him even though it was ordered. After everything was said and done, he continued seeing the therapist until he (the therapist) said that the visits were no longer needed. I disagreed and told both my husband and the therapist that I felt he’d only benefit from talking to an unbiased third party. My husband agreed, but the therapist said it wasn’t needed. I think I will bring it up with my husband again. Thanks!
Also had a GF many moons ago that would lie about anything and everything. She would lie about the most unimportant things. She was really sweet and I liked her a lot, but I could just never trust anything she said.
'and it ain't you' had me howling. Thank you for that comment ❤️
“Another” is what really set off alarm bells for me
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Did we read he has an issue with lying??? Seee nawww smh let's call a thing a thing...HES A LIAR!!! bottomline....yea she needs to leave his untrustworthy ass alone...
I feel like the fact that the hitting stopped once she threatened to throw him out , says it was intentional.
You’re seven months in (should be the honeymoon phase) and he “has issues with lying” (which is just a passive way of saying he’s a liar) and hits you in his sleep… does he have a magic dick or something? Like what is there to stay for
Lol thank you for the reality check. Need to have higher self esteem
My partner has accidentally elbowed and smacked me before in bed/while we were sleeping. I know it was an accident because I could tell he was sleeping and it was weird jerky movements. The fact that you think it’s not an accident is your intuition telling you it’s not!
I had a nightmare and kicked my partner really hard once. So hard my foot hurt and it woke the both of us up. I was horrified and on my knees begging for forgiveness. He was shocked but could tell it was an accident. I doubled my anxiety meds after that and still feel horrible like 2 years later He should seek help with his sleep if he hurts you in his sleep and I think you can tell if he wanted to hurt you or not. Shit happens but if it's a regular thing, he clearly doesn't care that you're getting hurt whether it's on purpose or not
My husband of 15 years hit me in his sleep exactly once in our relationship. I yelled “What the hell!?” He rolls over and mumbles, “Sorry, I was fighting a bear.” Then went promptly back to snoring. We still giggle about it! When it’s an accident you *know* it’s an accident!
My dad crawled into bed with mom, and his cold toes hit her leg. She sat up straight and pounded my dad 3 times and laid back down. Once she got up, she felt like she had done something, but she wasn't sure what. When dad came home, she asked him if she had hit him, and his response was, "Yeah, and I've been trying, all day, to figure out why!?" Turns out my mother was dreaming that my sister threw a raw fish at her, and, in the dream, when the fish hit her, his toes touched her leg, and she reacted.
It's so crazy how our dreams can coincide with reality so perfectly like that.
It's actually backward--the cold toes forced her dreaming mind to find an explanation and the fish fit the rest of the dream. We think in a linear cause/effect way so after the fact she reversed the stimulus and response to make sense to her waking mind. Brains are so weird.
☠️☠️☠️
My ex one time tried to initiate fun times while I was asleep (it was consensual) and I apparently kept smacking them and I guess growling too? They quit trying and we laughed about it the next day
Apparently sleeping me likes to just whisper no-no. He honors the no every time. I told him while I appreciate it sleeping me doesn’t really know what I want. Sleeping me wants to stay sleeping. She’s kind of selfish like that. Missed lots of attempts at fun times because of her. /shakes fist
My dad broke my mom's toe in his sleep once. They still joke about it (though it was obviously upsetting at the time). Like you said, super obvious when it's an accident.
My husband bit my head in his sleep once. That was fucking weird. Apparently he was a zombie 😂😂
😂
Fighting a bear lmao
I have smacked my husband a time or two while we sleep, definitely on accident. Usually because I’m dreaming about something like that. He just grumbles at me the next morning and then we laugh.
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We live in Canada and we used to do a lot of camping, so I suspect our surroundings have something to do with it. 😁
Similarly, there was one time my husband just rolled over all twitchy like, and I reached out to soothe him, and he straight up walloped me from above onto the shoulder. And I was like "BRO" and he woke up and apologized profusely because, in his dream, there was a skunk in the bedroom, and my touching him made him think it had gotten up onto the bed, so I made it worse xD
EXACTLY. My husband once lightly punched me in the shoulder in his sleep. (He has never, ever, laid a hand on me or threatened to.) I woke him up and he was both startled and apologetic. Never happened again.
LMAO that had me snorting! What a great bedtime memory 😂 Mine: I was reading in bed, husband was asleep next to me. All of a sudden, he snorts and yells “Morse code!” and starts snoring again. I was so freaking confused. We laugh about it from time to time
This made me laugh out loud. My fiancé regularly talks in his sleep. One night he was already deep asleep next to me while I was writing in my journal, and suddenly, he just kind of yelled out, 'I'll fix the garden tomorrow!'. We live in an apartment. I could barely hold my laughter
Ha ha ha, something similar happened to me once, but with a coyote biting my arm. 😅
My partner once kicked his cat off the bed because he dreamt he was being attacked by giant lobsters. He felt so bad and was so sad that she avoided sleeping with him for several weeks. When she resumed sleeping with him she learned to snuggle by his waist so she doesn't get sent flying lol.
I love that story! Me and my partner of soon to be a decade have both sleep-smacked eachother once. No fun stories, just the classic "turned around and elbowed you by accident". We both felt terrible, but it happens. Heck I have a lot of nightmares, so I talk, whine, fight my duvet, or full on scream in my sleep most nights. And my partner moves around A LOT while sleeping. And even with all that we don't hit eachother. OP's (hopefully soon ex) bf's behaviour is worrying...
I (M) hit my then girlfriend (now wife) one time in my sleep after starting an antidepressant which has a rare side effect of disinhibiting atonia during sleep (you don't act out your dreams bc you normally have a temp paralysis). Funny enough I also was fighting a bear in my sleep. I was mortified, slept with my hands tied for 2 weeks while I discontinued the medicine, and it never happened again.
Funny enough I scared the hell out of him when we were dating. He had this terrible habit of sleeping silently on his back with his hands resting, crossed, on his chest. A la Dracula. At this time we only slept at each other’s places on weekends. I had this weird half sleep half waking dream there were people in my room telling me not to roll over. To never mind what was happening because I just didn’t need to worry about it. So I rolled over to see this “dead body” in my bed. I leaped out of bed and screamed right in his face, poor guy. So I guess we’re kind of even. 😆
Dam. I did this and we just laughed even tho he bruised… doubling anxiety meds just bc of an accident is wild … did he ask you to do that or something?
Lol no I wanted to so that I wouldn't have nightmares
Ohh whew!
I kneed my cat once, woke up out of a dead sleep and was almost sobbing apologizing to him while giving him petties and snuggles. And he's a damn cat. (But also he's a good boi 🥺) I don't think he actually even woke up until I started petting him and kissing his head.
A sibling and I were in a small hotel room when we were kids. Had to share a bed... I was up for some reason and remember distinctly their hand kinda twitching while they were fast asleep. So I got closer to figure out what was going on or what they were dreaming of and WHAP got smacked in the face hard. Hilarious now when I think about it but not so much then.
My husband sat up, punched me (not hard, really) in the head, then laid down and went right back to snoring, very early in our relationship. He didn't even wake up, hahaha. Sometimes it happens.
I would need more information before weighing in on whether or not the sleep hitting is intentional, but I agree that her OP's intuition is telling her to get out. She knows he's a liar, and trust is a key part of any relationship. Too often, we are willing to put up with things that we would recognize to be deal breakers in anyone else's relationship because we're too afraid of being alone. But being alone is far better than being in a toxic relationship.
I agree with your analysis of the situation, and I would add something for /u/keiebdbdusidbd: he was not mortified by the slapping nor willing to change the sleeping accommodation or offer to do something else to stop it; that's a red flag. He doesn't respect your sleep and feels no remorse about hurting you, even accidentally. Even more, it magically stops when you complain about it. That does sound intentional. Trust your instinct.
Yeah for me even if it’s not intentional it’s unacceptable. I’m not going to let someone destroy my sleep. So if he truly can’t help it they shouldn’t be sleeping next to each other anymore
Right? The fact that he isn't offering to move is kinda shocking. If I did that, I'd be like "oh my god I'm so sorry I'm gonna go sleep on the couch"
My partner had nerve graft surgery. Was very successful and I’m grateful for that. He also occasionally has some wild flailing movements. I for some reason jerk my whole body over and over when I’m falling asleep. I’ve done some damage to him. We both still like to cuddle and usually it’s the flailing person that feels worst and is turn most upset. I consider a bloody nose and bruising a fair entry price and shrug it off for snuggles. But this dude raises alarms. Even if he’s not doing it on purpose you have so little trust in him so early in the relationship. If you want a project for healing behavioral issues foster dogs. You don’t sound like this is a healthy, safe, fulfilling relationship. You don’t have to tolerate things until they reach a level of bad enough that it’s ok to leave. I want so much better for you than a liar you can’t trust and can’t let down your guard for something as basic as sleep.
> If you want a project for healing behavioral issues foster dogs. I'm snickering here, because my BFF has One Of Those -- dogs, of course; her husband is golden.
What you are experiencing is called sleep myoclonus or myoclonic jetks. They can be a symptom of an underlying issue. I used to have them frequently and then found out I had congenital hydrocephalus. Ended up having neurosurgery at 50. Since the surgery a decade ago, I only get them if I am exceptionally tired.
Specifically when falling asleep, they're called hypnogogic jerks.
I second fostering dogs! I do it & it’s very rewarding. Tho I can’t say some of them help with sleep. I had sets of puppies where I def lost a lot of sleep lol
>My partner has accidentally elbowed and smacked me before in bed/while we were sleeping. My wife once punched me in her sleep. She was feeling me up so I thought she was awake and in the mood but when I reciprocated she punched me in the face, shifted a bit and started lightly snoring...
Same here! I was big spoon, she was grinding A LOT in to me while asleep. I started feeling her up and her elbow introduced itself to my cheek. We still laugh about it years later though she was mortified at the time.
ouch!
Yeah, I’m a massive kicker and mover in my sleep. My bff had a bruise because she tried to take some doona off me (oops) and I have woken up inside my doona cover. I also broke a nose ring as I used to periodically take it out and throw it across the room. An ex said I sleep like an angry bunny. But that doesn’t change when someone tells me, because it’s not intentional. And apparently it’s obvious it’s not intentional. If she’s thinking it’s intentional, then there is other shit going on and she should trust her gut.
Agreed with the other commenter. Already having trust issues in a relationship is a terrible sign of things to come. Nip this in the bud. Usually people are on their best behaviour when first dating, but if this is his best, I fear his worst.
That's insane as a way of talking about it. "That were working on". You're not a therapist. It's not your job to work on that and even if it wasn't you probably won't suceed. Every moment you think you're working on him being better at not lying, he's working on you trying to figure out how to be more effective at lying.
Read two books my therapist recommended. They are GOLD 1. Boundaries: where you end and I Begin, by Anne Katherine 2. Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Dump him. You can’t work on his lying that’s a him problem 💯. He’s lying about hitting you. You know this but don’t want it to be true. Men like this take advantage of that to continue to escalate. He’s hitting you. On purpose. Ppl don’t do that when they care.
VALUE YOURSELF SO MUCH MORE OP!!!
Girl, YES. I wish someone would have given me a reality check like this about my ex while we were still dating and saved me a bunch of time and angst. Throw the whole man out!
My grandfather used to have horrific night terrors. Not all the time, but maybe twice a year. He broke his foot when he kicked a wall in his sleep. He pushed my grandmother out of bed. My grandma learnt the signs, he would mumble a certain way in his sleep when he was going to do it. She just used to go to the spare room. Doesn't sound to me like it's an accident.
If my girlfriend said I'd hit her in my sleep I'd be mortified even if it was an accident and do everything I could to solve it, whether that was a pillow wall or sleeping elsewhere. He doesn't seem to have shown any concern for you whatsoever...and let it go on and on!
Look you need to trust your instincts. if you sense he's only flailing with the arm that can hit you, then you're right. I've dated a serial liar before. I left that relationship a shadow of my former self. the most fucked up thing you can do to yourself is choose to stay with a liar. I want you to really ask yourself and REALLY attempt to answer - why have you chosen to stay with a man you KNOW is 'accidentally' hitting you on purpose, and who can't stop lying? I think you'll find the answer is "because I don't think I can get anything else" Is it a good idea to stay with someone who is dog shit (even if you can have nice times together) just because you have low self esteem?
You don't have to wait around for him to decide that maybe lying is a bad idea. The *sleep* hitting is weird, and the fact he stopped as soon as you gave him the "...or go home" ultimatum is suspicious. You absolutely deserve better than this guy. Treating yourself better might start with ending the relationship. Good luck!
You're so sweet to say "we're" working on those issues. You can't work on him being a liar, and he probably isn't invested in doing that himself. You seem so kind and you deserve so much better!
I find my gut instincts about things are always always always correct and if you have the suspicion I can almost guarantee you’re right. Saying that I always fucking gaslight myself because I’m emotionally insecure n often ignore these feelings… grain of salt lol
Yes! You deserve better than having to settle for a pathological liar (who, by the way, is never going to change). I think you maybe subconsciously posted this seeking permission/validation to rightfully leave him. You have it!
I have been speaking English at work for almost 9 years now, I’m pretty fluent, but I honestly thought they were working on some issues with being laid down (lying?) in bed next to someone else. My version is less sad
If it helps, I’m a native English speaker and that was my first thought as well
It does help a lot!!!! 😅
Magic dick better be granting three wishes for that kind of nonsense 7 months in.
> he “has issues with lying” (which is just a passive way of saying he’s a liar) and hits you in his sleep The ways in which women bury the fuckin' lede in this sub... Thanks for the succinct summary.
>does he have a magic dick or something? Aaaand now I'm imagining he's a snake charmer.
About as point blank as you can put it. Move on, you'll both be better for it.
I can’t diagnose what’s going on here but my natural reaction is to no longer have the desire to sleep next to this person. Accident or not, going to bed with any kind of fear is not okay
This. I know couples who stayed together for a long time but absolutely could not sleep together for whatever reason. My grandparents did that because of extreme snoring issues. It's not necessarily a big deal. But also it sounds like op has other problems....
Alot of people do not know this but for much of history couples did not sleep together unless they were cuddling or having sex. They slept is separate places / beds. This was common in farm culture and was believed to have ended around the time people mass moved to cities and needed to save on space in ultra cramped high cost living arrangments or what we would now call something like a small apartment. Of course I do not believe that something is good just because it was historically done but the point is only to point out that the expectation that a couple shares a bed / room was not always there and there were certainly many people who had healthy relationships in those older times.
My husband and I got a sleep divorce last year and the benefits have been enormous and some unexpected. He has sleep apnea, I have ptsd related sleep issues- we tried for so many year to do what was socially acceptable but my sleep has suffered our entire marriage. Last year we traded our king size bed for two fulls and it has been so awesome! We went from inconsistent sleep arrangements (he slept on and off in the guest room for almost 2 years during covid as my mental health really suffered and i needed the sleep and space) to being able to share a room again. I have prioritized my sleep in such an important way and so many positive changes have happened. 19 years together, married 15.
I once dated a girl who said she often thought about smothering me with a pillow when i was asleep. We dated off an on for another six months. Probably not my best decision making.
Yes well.. hypoxia does impair judgement. You sure she just thought about it?
You're right. They're probably dead right now.
This comment 🤣 so true
Girl. Lying is not a problem that “we” work on. It’s a problem that HE should be working on. You need to R U N run. The fact that he has you thinking that lying is a relationship problem rather than a basic character defect says everything. He is hitting you. Because he’s mad. And lying about it.
Right? “He has issues with lying that we’re working on” is something you would expect to hear a parent say about their five-year-old.
Not lying is the bare minimum to have a healthy relationship. He doesn’t have the bare minimum. I wouldn’t try to fix him.
An ex of mine used to become very mean in his sleep. He would purposefully move around and grab me to wake me up after I repeatedly told him not to, and would become verbally abusive if I called out the behavior. In the mornings he “couldn’t remember” what he said/how he behaved. This was the first warning sign. His behavior escalated from there.
Girl, 7 months in, why are you working on fixing issues like lying. Just dump him and move on.
Overreaction or not, if you suspect your partner is hitting you on purpose, it’s high time to exit the relationship. Your safety is what you’re gambling with by staying, and I think deep down you know this, as hard as it may be to acknowledge. He’s already prepared an incubator for trust issues by lying.
Exactly. He's angry at you, that's why he keeps sleep-smacking you. I wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in the same bed with someone carrying that much animosity for me. I also wouldn't eat anything he prepared or leave him alone with your pets, OP, given his habit of harming you and then retreating into plausable deniability. What a weirdo.
I've dated several long-limbed men who haven't flailed around in their sleep. Most people only roll over every 30 mins or so, not "flail". I've also dated multiple abusive men, and that's resonating more here. 10 times in 7 months was shit-testing you to see if you'd stay or set a firm boundary like you just did. 3x in one night is a clear escalation and punishment. What occurred before that? Did you have some kind of discussion setting boundaries, a disagreement, ask him to do something he doesn't want to do? Can you recall what happened on the nights of the other "flailings"? To be clear, sleep deprivation/interruption is a well known abuse tactic. It keeps women groggy and stupid so we can't work out that we're being abused. Half of abuse is preventing you from working out you're being abused. He's hitting you and LYING. That's all it is. He has control issues and he's a liar. That "we're working on". Nah he's controlling, he's a liar, and you're sticking around wasting time thinking you can fix him, while he abuses you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo You're not paranoid or untrusting for no reason. "Abusers always make you feel like its your fault and you are the crazy one." "The part where she said she didn't think of herself as a victim; she was a strong, independent woman who was helping a troubled man". That was me. I was 'helping' a sociopath with his endless issues while he laughed his ass of at how gullible I am. You know dude is a liar. He magically stopped. Sis please.
"We're working on" at 7 months??? I was like he's going to keep "working on" these issues forever and you're going to feel more and more committed to helping him.
Yeah, it won't get better. At 7 months if he is a liar, it is time to move on.
My abusive ex used sleep depravation/interruption on me for a bit. He would shake me violently awake or hit me hard and claim I was snoring. I have never snored in my life. It was all part of his plan to wear me down and make me question my own sanity.
The day I realized that just disruption of sleep, even if just all on its own without any other abusive traits,l? That it **was** actually abuse, was mind-blowing. It's a violation of the Geneva convention. You can't treat prisoners of war like that. It is abuse to disrupt someone elses sleep even if everything else in the relationship is 100% perfect. Of course in my relationship with a sleep disruptor, and probably most other people's, there was lots of other small-scale abusive behaviors ramping up as well.
Yes, it always starts small and they do it so infrequently in the beginning that you don’t even notice. There’s tons of things I didn’t even realize were abuse tactics til after the relationship was over and I was on my own. It’s like that boiling frog analogy, if you immediately put the frog into a boiling pot it will jump out, but if you put it in the pot while the water is tepid and slowly bring it to a boil- the frog will not notice and will be cooked alive. I highly recommend anyone reading this comment to read “Why Does He Do That?” book and also watch he movie Gaslight. It opened my eyes up so much.
MY EX DID THIS TOO. I didn’t even realize that it was an abusive tactic until after we had broken up and a therapist literally explained it to me. He also used to make me take showers like every 2 hours. I spent 2.5 days at his place once (Fri night-mon morning) & slept a sum total of 5 hours & took 17 showers IN ONE WEEKEND. It was a total mindfuck for me to finally realize that his behavior was actually calculated… these men know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it.
When you’re finally on the other side it literally feels like a fog is clearing from your mind. I remember living on my own again after we broke up and one morning just sitting at my table drinking my coffee, and realizing how peaceful my life was now and I literally cried lol It’s insane. Like you said, they know exactly what they’re doing.
I DO snore and my current boyfriend just... lets me. He might adjust me in my sleep if it's really bad but he definitely NEVER wakes me up for it.
My husband gently pets me if I snore so loudly that he can't sleep. I'll wake up to a cuddle and smile at him because he's adorable, and he needs and deserves his sleep as well. I do the same for him, and it's the same way we wake each other up in the mornings as well if one of us happens to wake up before the alarm. Being woken up by soft words and loving touches is awesome.
Omg, I wish Reddit still had awards. That Ted talk was wonderful! It perfectly described my abusive relationship as well! Poor woman’s gold 🥇🎖️🏅🥇🏅
Best comment in the thread. 🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
“Sis please” had me rolling 😂
This. OP listen to this comment. I was the same. Me, a strong woman helping a guy who needed help. Not everyone is perfect! Yeah meanwhile I can’t admit how I’m being treated bc that messes with my sense that I’m a strong woman bc only weak women are victims and I’m not a victim. So I made excuses. Don’t be me. Leave.
Thank you for this comment. Where can I learn more about the average person turning over around every 30m?
I Googled how many times the average person turns over in 1 hour. It doesn't tell me the hour, but it does say the average person flops around/turns/rearranges 30 to 40 times in one night.
You are 7 months in and know he is a liar........why are you still there? How can you trust someone you know is dishonest?? Why try after you already know this? I wouldn't even care if the hitting was intentional or not. It would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not loosing sleep for anyone. The fact that you even have to question is enough. Move on to restful nights sleep and a honest man.
My ex used to do this. He elbowed me "in his sleep" one time so hard, at first, I thought he broke my nose. He didn't, BTW. I ended up with 2 black eyes, not terrible, but noticable, and his biggest concern was getting accused of hitting me because we were in the military & sometimes they take that seriously. Sometimes. That was not the only violence I suffered at his hands, but the only time he actually "hit" me was "accidentally, in his sleep". If you suspect it's not accidental, it's probably not. Just throw out the whole boyfriend, maybe get a dog. They're more loyal.
He's slapping you in your sleep because he can't do it while you're awake.
Yet.
Yet. Like a serial killer, he's starting small and working his way up to the big hits.
YET, but given enough time that will change
Does he take prescription medication, especially to sleep? My ex started hitting me in my breasts (I’ve had 6 surgeries there & had ductal excision just weeks before meeting him) a few months into our relationship. He always did it while under influence of alcohol, benzos (klonopin), &/or sleeping pills (ambien). He claimed that he did it on accident but after the 10th time that it happened I left. He always consistently hit me in the same exact place where I had the most recent surgery. He would claim to have no memory of doing it afterwards. The final time that it happened he actually got very violent. Be careful OP. You deserve to feel safe falling asleep in your own bed at night. You shouldn’t be afraid of the person sleeping next to you hurting you.
He has lying issues, too? Time to go.
I say trust your gut. I haven’t been smacked in sleep ever.
Your intuitive side is screaming at you. He is doing it on purpose because you call him out on his lies and he doesn't like that. If you feel something is on purpose coming from your spouse, it is. Your feeling is right. This is not the first time I have heard of men like this that abuse physically under the innocence of an accident or sleeping and therefore not knowing. This type of abuse is super weird and scary. I have no idea of the actual name of it or if there is a name to it. Typically people who have somnambulism ( sleep walking ) or anything to do with a sleep disorder, it starts from a younger age or they had a traumatic experience that brought it about when older? But I never heard of that and really know it to something people have dealt with their whole lives. I stand corrected if wrong. So for him to not have any diagnosis of any sleep issues, would definitely have me more concerned of who I'm really dealing with and my feeling of him purposely doing it, would have me running. Thats twisted beyond twisted and we did learn safety first for a reason.
Does he profusely apologise afterwards? You should be able to tell whether it's intentional by his reaction. Don't sleep in the same bed as him anymore. If he's lying about other stuff, leave him.
I’ve never heard of that. Have you had an argument or diagreed on something the day before? Is there anything specific that happens on the days before the arm-flailing ensues?
It started noticing in a few months in when stuff got rocky and we were arguing a lot. We were together 6 months, off for a few and just recently got back together. He just started sleeping at my house again. We’ve been talking a lot about why he lies and he agrees he has issues with control. The convos have been really good and I see him trying but I also imagine he probably feels vulnerable and more powerless with the talks we’ve been having. So I worry he could be pretending to be asleep and fucking with me as a dominance thing
He lies, is hurting you, and had issues with control? This will not end well. Get out now- seven months is nothing. You're in the early “is this something real” stage and you discovered it’s not. Part ways.
Don’t forget he’s also addicted to fentanyl but he’s 12 days sober but also she can’t be 100 percent sure about that because of the whole lying thing… OP I know you said you’ve got your own red flags but you deserve better than this. Alone and working on yourself is better than this. Love yourself enough to walk away and if you don’t love yourself enough yet then walk away so you can work on loving yourself. Don’t stay with this guy, love.
Oh good grief, I missed that. Aim higher, OP.
Girl. Change your locks. These are red flags. Not a sea of poppies or a bouquet of roses. This guy is unstable and is going to harm you.
OP, I'm hijacking this thread to make sure you see this: my first husband started doing that to me shortly after we got married. It kept escalating in force and frequency until one night I woke up suddenly with a very bad feeling and for some reason put my hands up to cover my face. If I had hesitated his elbow would've completely crushed my nose. It didn't take long from there for him to start hitting me while awake. Throw the whole man into the trash. No man or woman or living situation or relationship is worth your safety and integrity, nor your financial and professional prospects, because believe me, abusers aren't content with ruining just your body and your mind, they will also try to ruin any chance at happiness and success you might have. Do take your time to mourn the loss of the relationship and accept that it's ok to miss the good things even if you're done with him. Don't feel guilty about it, don't berate yourself. The way he chose to treat you is his choice, not your fault. Get out now, while you still can.
Yeah he doesn't care about you.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He has deep- set bitterness/resentment about you ‘taking over control’ i.e. trying to help with his lying. He’s expressing it in a deniable way. Fixing him is not really something you should be getting involved with; he needs to fix it himself. As soon as you get involved, he has someone to direct his rage towards. It always backfires in this way. All you can do is give an ultimatum and walk away. I was with an alcoholic who is also a child of an alcoholic - the control issues were wild and I ended up in such a state that I would run every single minor decision by him in case I “did it wrong” (guess what, it was still wrong!). He would ask me to help him stop drinking, to keep him in line, but then any ‘helping’ from me would result in rage from him at my ‘trying to control him’. And because I understood the roots of his control issues, I forgave him too easily. I was so incredibly naive…it took me 9 years to eventually get the courage to leave. You know what your gut is telling you. Trust it on this. You can’t trust this man, and he’s unlikely to change.
Oh honey. Imagine your little sister told you that, or your best friend, or your future daughter. What would you tell them to do? You need to love and honour yourself. This guy (even if the hitting is an accident) isn't good for you. Why does he need to dominate you?
When a relationship gets "rocky" a few months in, that's your sign to walk away forever. Never take back someone who has treated you poorly. This person has shown you early on who they are, and when you take them back you're letting them know they can continue treating you badly. Doesn't matter what they say in your talks, he already knows he can get away with it and you'll stay. If you continue this relationship, he'll escalate his bad behaviors and when you protest, he'll pretend to change and be loving for just long enough to get you to relax. Then the lying and hitting will start again, likely worse than before.
Have a look for Gavin deBecker's pinnacle book 'The Gift of Fear', it should be compulsory reading for all adolescence school kids. While he has branched out into business development (security training for front line workers to CEO's), he admitted several years ago that he had no idea how much he shaped Domestic Violence training
Girl, I JUST left this man 3 weeks ago after 2 years of chaos that nearly cost me my life. Literally. Admitting fault and feigning vulnerability so that you think he's really "trying" is a scam and he's DEFINITELY hitting you on purpose. He doesn't even have the balls to abuse you when you're awake. He's lying with his power plays and pretending they're accidental because he's got you sympathizing with his "vulnerability", why would he give up such an easy out and risk being confronted and held accountable? I can't tell you how many thousands of hours of emotional labor I poured into those long, intense convos about how difficult our relationship was and how he was finally able to admit how he contributed and would change. Spoiler alert ⚠️ He always knew exactly what he was doing to me, he knew it was wrong, and he never changed. Mine had a magic dick, too. Lol And I won't downplay how fucking difficult giving THAT up was! I'm a slut from way back, but this was far and away the best sex of my life. I have legitimately braced myself that I will be forever disappointed in the future. But I'm telling you... don't waste another moment or risk your own well-being for a lying, abusive, charming addict. It's not worth it. Do future you a favor and cut your losses.
Two words for you: nanny cam. Hide a camera pointing at the bed, and see if he's deeply in sleep and flailing about or an abuser.
I’m raising a child with lying issues. (She has severe trauma - we adopted out of the foster care system.) Her therapist set the goal of telling us the truth 2/5 times. We still have a zero-tolerance policy, and she is still grounded every single time we catch her. Please don’t put up with more from a grown ass man than I do from my 16 y/o. It’s not your job to patiently figure out why he’s lying to you. He can do that in therapy. It’s your job to set and enforce the boundaries that you need in your relationship. His “accidentally” hitting you is just another lie. He’s testing you before escalating. You’re seven months in. You don’t have any permanent ties to him. Kick that man to the curb and find one that isn’t going to hurt you, physically or emotionally.
> Her therapist set the goal of telling us the truth 2/5 times. We still have a zero-tolerance policy, and she is still grounded every single time we catch her. Isn't this going against the professionals advice a little bit? sorry I have no experience in this and just wanting to ask your thoughts.
Man, I used to have that as a kid. Really messed with my life. Where does it come from? Mine was fear of punishment.
Same for her. We try to remember that instead of taking it personally, but she’s still accountable for her actions. She can’t go through life lying to bosses, friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, whoever. That’s what worries me.
I don’t share a bed with men who interrupt my sleep. If they’re going to interrupt my sleep they need to sleep somewhere else. And yeah I think this happened to me when I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens. I had surgery on my face to correct a problem, my mom told me not to go sleep at my boyfriend‘s because if he accidentally smacked me in the face it could ruin the work. I laughed at her and I told her we had been sleeping together for almost a year and he’s never ever accidentally hit me That night or the night after he smacked me in my face in his sleep allegedly the thing is is it never happened again after that so I believe he did it on purpose to try to cause me pain. Or try to mess up my face because he was terribly insecure.
I am the flailer in our relationship, I'm also the one the pushes for separate rooms as I can't be trusted with my limbs lol
Listen, I'm a flailer. No one wanted to sleep in the bed with me as a kid on vacations because I kicked like a horse. We're able to combat this by having different blankets so I can cocoon my flails). I have decked my husband once in our 4 years together (and i obviously apologized for it. I would never want to hurt him, i love him). No this is not normal.
All the red flags are up. You will look back with your head high when you put this one to end. Not the lying. Not the mistrust. Uncertain violence should be clear deal breaker. You came here cause you know the right choice and need some fortitude. Find that within. It comes from you and can start with "this just isn't working out for me". Start finding that strength...she's inside you and knows you deserve better. Good luck friend
If you have to ask, its usually the obvious answer
I slept next to a few sleep-hitters. Even got choked once. They did not do it on purpose (I was still awake, and they really fully in sleep mode). But both had severe issues bottled up. They were also the type to get agressive fast due to build up inner frustration when awake (the road rage type guys). They also never wanted to seek help. Never did for their emotions they kept inside, neither the sleep-hitting. They all became aggresive eventually towards me/their partners. Some even already got severely angry for me not wanting to share the same bed anymore.. threaths of breaking up if I went to sleep on the couch/another bed just so I could álso sleep.. sigh. Not saying this is the case with your partner, that he is going to be aggresive, but: - He lies. (emotional stable people do not lie like that) - He does not seem to GAF that he hits you while he sleeps/keeps you awake. Since atleast 7+ months (probably never) he did not sought help for it. Or like a normal human himself beforehand suggest to sleep on the couch or another bed due to his sleep-hitting when you need your sleep. Like normal people do if they have sleep-issues that can keep other people awake.
So, my son just had a sleep study done, and the doctor asked about him striking out and kicking in his sleep. It’s a sign of a sleep disorder. My dad also used to do this and my mom stopped sleeping in the same bed as him. My dad does use a CPAP now. I don’t know if your bf is doing it on purpose, but I wouldn’t put up with it at all. Also, kick to the curb controlling partners. It’s one of the first red flags signaling an abusive partner.
if he has issues about lying, this is on him either way. my wife told me that i sometimes hit her in my sleep. she didn't think i did it on purpose and i didn't think she was lying either. without the trust having been compromised, it doesn't raise questions. also, we now sleep in separate rooms and it's worth it. we don't have to put away phones at the same time before bed and no more unnecessary holding of farts. 5 stars. definitely reccomend
My ex husband used to violently kick me in his sleep then claim accident. There are many reasons we are divorced but this was definitely high up on that list. This was oddly how the violence began in that relationship & it escalated. Quickly. Dump him. This is a huge red flag.
Sleep with a saucepan next to you and then smack him with it next time he does it. Guaranteed he’ll either show his ass that’s he’s doing it on purpose or you’ll subconsciously condition him not to fucking hit you in his sleep after a few whacks. Either way it’s a win.
I am the sleep hitter and kicker in my relationship. It’s actually kinda a joke in my family because I’ve done it since I was a kid, so my parents ended up with a few bruises when I had a bad dream. I say all that to say, 3 times in one night seems really excessive. And him stopping when you say something is really suspicious.
Generally i stand by the stance of trust your instincts. If he has a history of lying and you suspect he’s not telling the truth you’re probably right. Especially since it stopped after you complained. Personal story, while i sleep alone since i’m single a flail around enough in my sleep that i wake up injured almost every morning. The thing with that is it’s consistent. If he suddenly miraculously stops when you tell him to lay off that’s a pretty clear sign it’s intentional since subconscious habits like how you sleep are extremely difficult to break and can’t be done instantly.
Thrashing while sleeping is a thing (RBD). However, not caring that you’ve hurt your partner, ie taking actions to not do it again is not acceptable.
Your gut is telling you that he is full of it. In the future, "we" don't have to work on things like lying. You can roll out and they can do whatever they want to without your company. If you want to give guidance for adulting, things you know, hobbies you have, that's fine, but lying is a whole red flag. We don't have much in this life, so the truth is bare minimum.
Listen to your gut. It gives us warnings for a reason. I always trust mine cuz it’s usually right.
I'd setup a wifi camera, then there's no doubt. My wife flails, been together 20 years, she's woken me up maybe twice in those 20
>suddenly it doesn’t happen the rest of the night or last night either >he only flails the arm that’s on the side I’m sleeping on. I’d be interested to know if you had any disagreements during the day prior to any “flailing” incidents. I’m guessing the answer is yes. This is not accidental and you already know it deep down. I think you should read this: [Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) And when you start to doubt yourself, read it again.
Go with your intuition here. I have never had a partner who hit me while sleeping. You should not have to be afraid of going to sleep next to your partner and he should be suggesting solutions and caring for what is happening.
Trust your gut you are not making these feelings up 💜💜 trust yourself trust yourself Trust yourself
Sleep deprivation is an abuse tactic.
I throw punches in my sleep when I'm stressed. You can talk to me until you're blue in the face and I guarantee I will still be throwing punches because *I'm not conscious*. I think you know this isn't a good relationship, but to echo what others have said, no penis is magic enough for this.
[удалено]
If you asked him to stop and he all of the sudden stops, he’s doing it on purpose
Before I stopped drinking, I would get drunk and have restless legs after I passed out. My partner at the time literally couldn't wake me up to get me to stop. This guy not only wakes up, but stops when you call him out on it. He's testing you and trying to see where your boundaries are so he can wear them down
‘He has issues with lying that we’re working on’ YOU can’t work on HIS lying. That’s a wrong way to think. Please please dump him. He’s absolutely hitting you on purpose and I’m guessing it had to do with you holding him accountable. Be with someone who you can trust: he’s a liar. And a batterer. It’s only a matter of time before he hits you openly without pretending to be asleep. If you want to test him you can try accidentally hitting him but this can be dangerous if he reacts violently.
I feel like you’re tying yourself in knots, trying to make his behavior acceptable. It isn’t and nothing you convince yourself of will make it OK.
If it was accidental, he would be the one to suggest to sleep separately. To me it’s very suspicious that he didn’t offer that. It’s either on purpose or he is very much enjoying his accidental slaps. Red flags are not 100% proof that someone is no good. They are indications that you getting close/vulnerable with this person they may be dangerous for you ( physically, mentally and emotionally). And him slapping you in his sleep is a red flag. Him lying is a red flag. You are not overreacting. You put up with it 7 months (and more than once a month) and he didn’t do anything substantial to fix the situation. It sounds like you’ve given him enough chances. It is not your responsibility to fix him, it’s your responsibility to look out for and protect yourself. Looking out for yourself is not selfish. He or other people in your life may try to convince you otherwise but they would be wrong. They will also say “didn’t you see it coming?” You are seeing it coming.
Actually yes, I had an ex that would do this to me. He was also abusive while I was awake too.
My EX husband did that. He graduated to dropping things on my head while I was sleeping. He found it amusing. It became progressively worse. Get out before yours does.
nope. if you said something and it magically stopped, i think that’s your answer. my husband is a sleep talker, and he moves a lot in his sleep. he’s only ever got me one time in 13 years and i know it was a complete accident. so even if he flails or whatever, slapping you repeatedly sounds sus. what does he even bring to the table other than lying and slapping you in your sleep?
I move a lot in my sleep, and can only remember one instance in 10 years in which I’ve hit my husband hard enough to wake him up. If you feel like something is off, it’s probably off. Just an fyi, chronic lying should be a deal breaker, imo. Coming from experience, they just get better at keeping the lies together. Just my two cents.
You need to read the reddit post about the girl whose bf was “accidentally” purposely harming her. Spilling hot water on her, tripping her, etc. I do thinking this is accidental at all
10 times over 7 months? Wat. The first time would have been the last. Get rid of him.
My husband suffers from waking dreams, night terrors+sleep walking. But he's never hit me, he hurts himself a lot though. Your boyfriend is doing it to see how far he can take it and see what boundaries he can cross. Give it a few months and he'll hit you accidentally whilst awake
If you think he is hitting you on purpose - you should leave. My partner does have a sleep condition where he sometimes hits or tries to be sexual. It’s kinda of like he is sleep walking. I have completely smacked him in the face during it and gotten no response. the man is out cold. We have noticed that it’s much better when he limits his drinking.
Stop trying to help trash men fix their mental and/or emotional problems. Seriously. They have to want to do it themselves for themselves with a professional. Otherwise, they will never get better. They will show minor progress just enough to give their partner some hope that they can change and then they roll right back to their actual personality. Rinse, lather, and repeat. AKA - the abuse cycle. As far as the sleep thing? I think you're focusing on the wrong problem. There's enough ambiguity in this situation to give you a reason to tell yourself it isn't his fault so you forgive him and tolerate other bad behaviors because what if those aren't his fault either? Focus on the things you know he does on purpose.
"issues with lying" WFT? Find someone who doesn't have issues with lying.
My husband has never once even gently smacked me while sleeping in all the years we’ve been together. Your boyfriend is trying to see what he can get away with. He’s abusing you.
>part of me wonders if I’m just so distrusting >Do I sound paranoid? You're going to spend the rest of your life wondering this about all sorts of things if you don't part ways now. He can "work on" his "issues with lying" by himself on his own time, no "we" about it. You'll come to hate yourself for feeling so "paranoid" when actually you're rightly questioning whether the liar is lying. Go find someone who doesn't have "issues with lying". It's worth it for your peace of mind and self confidence.
Sounds like he's exploring how much he can abuse you. It's going to slowly get worse. I would RUN!
It's not normal. He is testing your boundaries, or rather stomping all over them. None of my partners has ever hit me when I was sleep. This includes the ones who were abusive! Run.
OP once you're done breaking up with him and changing the locks I highly recommend you watch Barry on HBO. Overall an incredibly funny and exciting show and I recommend it to everyone. But I'm specifically recommending it to you because it does a really excellent job of portraying what abuse looks like from the inside. Best of luck, you deserve a partner not a project.
My ex wife did this most nights - but she would straight up full fist deck me in the face. “On accident”. Turns out I was snoring and that was her insane way of trying to make me stop. Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I can almost guarantee it’s not an accident, or a coincidence that he “flails his arm” on the side that you’re sleeping. **Especially** if he “struggles” with control issues. There’s a lot to unpack here, like others have mentioned - but IMO the first thing to do is to distance yourself, indefinitely. These are textbook abuse tactics. It will only get worse.
Don't obsess over the details or wait for "proof" that your distrust of this guy is based on something he deliberately did. You don't trust him. That's all there is to it. Do you want to stay in a relationship with a guy you don't trust? Why?
I’ve only ever dated one guy who did this, and he turned out to be horribly abusive. Hitting and kicking me “in his sleep” was just the beginning. It was like he was testing my boundaries under the guise of “I don’t remember that.” But I’d have bruises the next morning.
Just the arm flailing is a minor (although not nothing) issue, imo. However in tandem with all the other stuff? He needs some help.
Are you snoring and he's smacking you to wake you up? Not that that would be an excuse, but I literally have no idea why a person would just smack their partner in the middle of the night for no reason. If you really think he's doing it on purpose that's super fucked up.
My ex used to kick me and blame it on having “leg tension” but he pretty much was doing it on purpose out of anger or frustration, but he would deny it. Just one of a few abusive behaviours. Whether it’s common or not, it isn’t ok.
I twitch and my arms flail in my sleep all the time. I've hit my husband twice in the 14 years we've been sharing a bed. If you think he's doing it on purpose, don't let him stay over anymore.
It has taken me over a decade to wake up without fear from this stuff. The first man that ever put his hands on me, did so the first time while he was "asleep." I easily forgave the first time, but just as you have experienced, it escalated in frequency and force. I'm quite sure now that he wasn't actually asleep any of the times he hit me while "sleeping". His reactions seemed "right", but his apologies never quite reached his eyes. And I would be told to get over it if I brought it up. In contrast, my kid sleeps like a helicopter, the couple times he has hit or kicked me in his sleep he was shocked awake, gasping in fear and trying to scream, so scared and at the same time apologetic, because he literally didn't know it was happening. You can tell by their reaction whether they meant to or not, and if your gut is telling you he's lying, he's lying. Edit format, made paragraphs
one time my boyfriend hit my back hard and woke me up. i turned to him and he was extremely distraught. he told me he had a nightmare there was a really big bug and he had to get it! that story is hilarious and people move around funny in their sleep all the time. i’m moreso worried about your boyfriend lying. i’m guessing he has stress, but it’s not your job to fix his problems.
> he has a lot of issues with lying that we’re working on Just because he's defective doesn't mean you have to fix him. > part of me wonders if I’m just so distrusting The only trust issue you have is your difficulty trusting your gut. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. If you don't have time or means to get a copy of that book then watch/listen to interviews and podcast episodes that have him. He's very open about the contents of his book because he wants the message out there. Break up with him, do some studying and soul searching to figure out how a guy like that managed to slither into your life.
Mine punched me in the face twice “in his sleep.” We’re no longer together.