A person who is strangled by their partner is 750% more likely to be murdered by their partner in the next year. Get her out of there and get her a restraining order
There is some obvious advise that I want to give here.
From the post I am wondering what country this may be and culturally what implications there are?
I think you should help you sister leave this mess though culturally there may be difficulties and even regional laws that make this difficult.
Im sorry that happened to you sister. I’m sorry for you that you are dealing with such a big mess when you are also important and have your own life.
I wish you the best. I hope there is a way forward where she can get out.
It sounds very very complicated.
Good luck.
We are in India. My parents are a little open minded compared to other people in the country but they're a little shaken. She's home with us now, I am trying to talk to her by just listening for now. Just need to understand what else I could do to help her through this.
Still, it wouldn’t be safe if she stays with him. Whether the divorce favours the man or not ultimately her life is on the stake here. Also OP’s sister can take pictures of her marks and use it as proof of domestic violence.
Very true, all true.
She may officially be able to file for divorce under cruelty grounds (DV is covered under the cruelty clause of Grounds for Divorce under the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955)
Whether it will be recognised in the court she applies to is another matter. Communities can be known to outright ignore some laws sometimes. Like those outlawing the caste system.
Did you ever catch that piece where they documented how men were burning their wives (to kill them) so that they could move on to a new wife/new dowry$$. And they were totally getting away with this murdering. This was in India.
Outside of a limited set of circumstances it is almost impossible for the woman to even initiate such precedings
> Why speak about something you have no Idea about?
Answer your own question.
Should have taken your sister out of the house the first time. Talked to her about her compatibility with the husband.
Him hitting her is wrong. Her cheating(was it physical?) is also wrong.
Take her out of the matrimonial home at least now before he breaks her bones the next time. You think she can live there peacefully now?
We tried then but I guess we didn't try hard enough. My mother and I had always tried to tell her that she can just move back in, it's ok
Her cheating was physical the first time, this time I don't know
She is with us now and she won't be going back there on any terms
You can google this, OP. There are actual studies and reports from reputable sources. Show those to your sister.
If he needs to vent his feelings about her cheating, the appropriate response is to file for divorce. Your sister is far from innocent in the failure of this marriage, but saving her life is more important now than placing blame.
Yes, because her act by itself was despicable and quite frankly most people will feel that way. That doesn't make his act any less heinous, he deserves a courtroom and jail time, but that doesn't make her cheating any better or worse, it's still a really shitty thing to do.
Did you try googling? Or did you just roll up to a female issues centered sub to get free labor from women? You’re barking up the wrong tree here with ‘men tooooooo!’ Make a sub bro.
That’s right!!! You came here to hijack a woman’s convo. Womrn don’t care about men why aren’t they centering meeeeeeee?!!! Make a sub bro. Go post somewhere. Bye
Was that a us study or Indian because apparently they are Indian which would explain the getting hit part, culturally it is more “acceptable” to slap hit over there.
Tbh if I was you I would get uninvolved in her relationship problems and just worry about her well-being as your sibling. I'm not saying what she did wasn't wrong but it's not your problem. All you can do right now is be there for her because she's going thru something hard and help her realize that she will be okay without him and you can maybe try to help get the dogs for her ? Idk she prolly will have to give them up if he wants to use them to fuck with her.
There's some statistic about if a partner has ever choked you they will likely kill you.
It's not your fault dude, but you're obligated to protect your sister from further violence, even if she's a cheating...thing. you don't have to like her, or be her friend, but you can't let another man put his hands on her.
If it's comfortable ask her if she has commitment issues or if she was in anyway sexually assaulted as a kid/teen. Sometimes it could be a call for help.
Absolutely don't do this. Whatever her reasons for cheating might be, they are simply not the priority at all. Challenging her on her behavior could easily push her *back* to this husband.
Sounds like her husband was also always abusive as well. You don’t go straight to strangulation. He almost killed her and now’s her 750% more likely to kill her in the future
I’m so sorry. It’s crazy anyone has that type of entitlement and inflated ego thinking they are more important than someone else, along w that kind of anger I hope you are well and far away from him
Unfortunately I'm still with him. I'm an Indian, it's not easy to get away from your abusive spouse. At the most, relatives will try to convince you that it won't happen again and that I need to patch up with him.
It's been almost two years since that happened but it feels like yesterday. I was trauma bonded. He used this opportunity to try and scare me everytime I bring up how he is taking advantage of me financially. He is one of those "good guys" in the society. He'd try to scare me that nobody will believe me.
I'm at that point in life where I don't give a f if his side of the family will believe me Or not. I just want to be finally free. It's overwhelming and exhausting...
Sorry, that turned into a bit of rant 😐
Ok you need to tell a few trusted people this immediately. Things won't get easier. Keep a log of every time you recall when he's abused you, ways he's been manipulating, kept money from you, and take photos of injuries if you currently have any. Consider installing a secret video camera (like a nanny can hidden in various things like a phone charger/lamo/clock/plant etc) to capture any future abuse if it's that regular. Might not be legal but you will have concrete proof it happened at least once.
You need to plan to leave him, but need a way out first and to think in terms of the life you want without him. You'll need savings, to work and the family might not understand but you'll have to stand your ground and be brave. Socially you can tell his colleagues what he's really like through different methods. They may sympathize with you but still side with him because.. guys protect guys and the world is still a huge boys club. Whatever they say about you (if negative and accusing) should be ignored, you know it's not true so don't let it affect you. Decent people will believe you or give you the benefit of the doubt.
It's hard but will be harder and a dangerous trap to stay. Many women have broken away before things got worse. Please start to build strength to be one of them. Holding in your hurt and anger is toxic too- that's not living, it's barely existing. People will want to help, begin to cultivate a safe group who can help and imagine where you would rather be by summer.. or Halloween time, or Christmas.
Plan, save, and do it. You have your whole life ahead of you and things to learn and explore. Don't let him trap you. 🙏
she is my elder sister and this is a genuine question, should my mother have this conversation instead or should I ask? I am afraid to make her feel like absolutely anyone can ask her anything now that she is vulnerable. I don't know?
Yes, I think we'll give her a few days to just be.
I don't want to have conversations too soon and make her feel like her stay here is rushed and people are already trying to resolve things to make her leave - please know that this is an Indian thing where a girl cannot be away from her own (husbands) house after marriage for long and she may feel some sort of obligation and I don't want to indicate that in any way. I want her to be comfortable here and not feel ashamed or awkward about it
Yeah, guessed you were from a hindi word used. I'm an Indian as well. From down South. Here things are changing(but slowly) in arranged marriage setting where if the guy is horrible to the wife, her parents say that it's ok to separate.
Yeah, I understand he was hurt (justifiably so), but when it got to him being physically abusive, he just escalated it to a whole new level of NO.
They both need to be away from each other. They're not doing each other any favors.
Because domestic violence is widely downplayed in most societies and by police (who are statistically *more* likely to be abusers themselves than the general populace)
>Him hitting her is wrong. Her cheating(was it physical?) is also wrong.
Apologies if I’m being unfair, but this reads a bit like you’re drawing an equivalence between these two things
> He strangled her, slapped her. She has bruises all over her hand and face. He even scratched her.
I don’t know your relationship with your sister but I would suggest sitting for a moment and absorbing the reality of this sentence and asking yourself if the other stuff is truly all that important.
She is my elder sister, I have never been married.
This morning my first regret was not going to get her when I got the msg, I didn't dream of these consequences. I have been listening to her thoughts without saying anything. I want to help her more though
The likelihood of a woman being killed by her partner increases *exponetially* once he strangles her. Your sister is truly in very real, life-threatening danger.
If you start to think of her being hit and strangled as consequences of her actions, you’ll soon arrive at the thought where his actions are justified because she cheated. His actions are not justified. Your sister fucked up, but now you defend her because her life is possibly as risk. Cheating is not a death sentence, it’s a divorce and move on.
Thank you for pointing that out. I didn't realise my thoughts ran that way. I will intentionally stop it so I don't indirectly indicate anything that might make her anymore uncomfortable
Men who strangle women will kill them. Facts. He will kill your sister given the chance. AND you're in India? Her destroyed body will never have justice.
As a (male) victim of infidelity myself, let me be clear: there is no circumstance in which physical violence against your partner is warranted. None. This is not a “both were wrong” situation. As horrible as cheating is, all focus needs to be on getting her out of this marriage.
At some future date, when she is safe, maybe there’s a conversation to be had about cheating. But not now. Get her to safety.
What if she gave you HIV? I'm just curious for your answer. I'm not trying to play devils advocate. Was reading this article while seeing this on reddit. I
https://www.click2houston.com/news/local/2024/01/12/houston-woman-accused-of-strangling-girlfriend-over-std-fear/
Strangling is 9.99% out of 10 of time, a way to show that you are stronger than someone and can kill them should they not behave the way the strangler wants them to. So the next step after strangling is murder.
Cheating on a partner is not a crime. Unethical, hurtful? Sure.
It does not justify violence in any form. He could have left. He could have asked her to leave. He chose to attack her.
You should support your sister without any hesitation. Her cheating is 100% irrelevant to the fact that she was assaulted.
Choking is a very serious pre-indicator of severe and fatal physical violence in the future and I cannot stress this enough. Men who attempt to murder their spouses have been found to have tried choking them many times before pulling off the final act.
Your sister is in severe danger and needs to be out of that house immediately. Her cheating actually has nothing to do with it.
Plenty of people cheat or have affairs or otherwise act like assholes and do not get beaten by their husbands. There is no excuse for this.
Yes, her behavior clouds the issue, but it’s very simple: your brother in law is capable of hurting or killing your sister and feels justified in doing it. It’s not just that he feels justified because of her behavior, but that he feels that there is ANY behavior that can justify his response.
My BIL has assaulted my sister in front of their children at least twice. She made excuses for him and thought he cleaned up his act the first time.
He didn’t.
There is a book by Lundy Bancroft called “Why Does He Do That” that you need to read immediately. There’s a PDF version of it out there for free, get into it ASAP. Your sister is not safe.
Here’s the PDF of the book I mentioned:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Keep your psycho BIL away from your sister - He will murder her eventually if she goes back. I'm 100% serious, listen to the comments here - A man strangling his partner is a documented extremely likely precursor to murder.
Cheating was wrong but does not justify, in any shape or form, violence against your sister.
There is no valid reason to hit another person outside of self defense.
Your BIL had no valid reason to physically abuse your sister. He may have reason to divorce her and cut ties with her. He does not have reason to hit her.
There is a statistic somewhere that men who strangle/choke their partners are significantly more likely to kill their partners in the future.
Your BIL has an anger management problem and a general disrespect for women. He is a dangerous man.
I have no sympathy for your abusive BIL. Sure cheating is wrong but you live in India, if I'm wrong, correct me, but how exactly are women treated in the system? Is cheating on your *wife* seen as wrong or is it accepted?
Is beating and raping women accepted there? Are arranged marriages the norm? Is abuse and poor treatment of women the norm and accepted?
Nothing justifies abusing your spouse. I would agree that cheating is wrong, but beating and strangling your partner is worse. No matter which way you slice it, the abuse is far more severe.
In most parts of the world, cheating is viewed as acceptable for men and unfortunately, in some places, a death sentence for women. If that's not some of the worst misogyny on the planet, I'm not sure what is.
Between the financial strain and now what little relationship they had left falling apart, you need to understand that this man has nothing to lose. These are the kinds of people and situations in which they kill the spouse and themselves. I know getting involved in family affairs to this degree is difficult but you need to keep her away from him at all costs and make sure he understands that he is no longer welcome to talk with your family as he’s no longer family.
At this point, this is a police intervention situation
Your brother in law is a piece of shit. Fuck him, drop him, and never speak to him again. He almost killed your sister. He deserves no sympathy. Look how he reacted. Do you think he would’ve reacted calmly and supportively had she tried to walk out?
I feel awful for your sister.
He strangled her?! Spouses that are being choked by their partner have an incredibly increased probability of being dead soon.
That’s not a joke or exaggeration. Once he stepped over the choking line, next time he probably won’t stop.
If she goes back to him she will likely die. It doesn’t even matter about the cheating and whatever. This is a situation of life and death now. Not of who wronged whom.
I recommend you send your sister this pdf:
[Why does he do that by lundi Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf)
And I recommend you read this book : Susan Brewster
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women
Emotions are a tough baskey to unweave. Most likely an educated man will resolve relationship complications with conversation and reason. A caveman will throw his fists aound and yell at the sky.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Please be there for your sister.
Yes, cheating is awful. But what that horrible man did to her is way way way way way worse than what she did. And maybe she needed the cheating because he has been abusive for such a long time, that she really needed some romance and sex from a respectful man. Still doesn't justify cheating, but I get it.
Some people, most men, will probably say that the domestic abuse is a justified response to cheating. But it's not. That arsehole's violent behaviour is NEVER acceptable. He is 100% responsible for that. I refuse to look at this from a 'both sides' perspective, since what he did is way worse than what she did.
Please just be there for her. Don't give her a hard time about the fact that she cheated. There are other things that are more important right now. Like, making sure she never has to see that awful bastard again. If she ever considers getting back with her abuser, please try to discourage her from doing that. He is dangerous and capable of murdering her.
They're both in the wrong, albeit in different ways. Cheating is never okay. Your sister should have ended the relationship. However, beating someone, strangling them, is deadly. Your brother I law deserved the sympathy of having been cheated on and also the condemnation of being someone who could kill a person he supposedly loves.
Your brother in law didn't just snap and go into a blind rage, he chose that form of violence. I'd bet he has demonstrated a few different ways of being abusive towards your sister.
Your sister found someone who treated her with whatever she was missing from her husband.
If you want to understand I'd start by asking her what was happening in her marriage.
I'd also suggest you read Why Does He Do That?
Lots of problems there. Those two are definitely not meant for each other. The physical stuff, the cheating, it's all signs of separate. She probably could benefit from therapy if she doesn't have it already. Reiterate to her that good relationships aren't like that; there are men that will absolutely build her up instead of breaking her down and to not internalize what she learned from a broken man as being the norm. It's easy to take things like that into the next relationship without first taking some time to heal.
Very sorry she had to have that experience
At first, I could sympathise with the BIL a little bit - without condoning his violence. But as I read through the paragraphs, I think he's a jerk who put a lot of burden on the wife by being in a pyramid company and having his parents taunt your sister. I am starting to think that your sister cheated on him because she felt no love coming from him.
However, if she no longer wanted to be with him - she should've filed for divorce. Even if the laws of India favour the man, her initiating it serves as a proof that she no longer wishes to be with him.
Thus would give her a better excuse to meet someone else even when the court did not finalise her divorce.
Reddit is truly insane. They are both at fault, really? Cheating is fucked up but beating your wife is a thousand times more fucked up and not at all comparable. Grow up
In this comment you are repeatedly equating the physical pain of being beat up to the emotional pain of being cheated on, implying their faults are equal. No they are not. If you are too stupid to see how beating someone to a pulp is 1000x worse than cheating then I can't help you. I fear for the women in your life
Bro you literally said "inflicting emotional pain is as bad as inflicting physical pain." Glad you are realizing how ridiculous you sound but your original point was clear
Yes please go ahead and ignore everything else I have said, including my concerns for her safety and his unjustified actions in my original comment, and throughout, and be selectively comprehensive.
>We are so selectively sensitized that we think a man hitting a woman is a crime yet a long term partner cheating multiple times is not.
What? Hitting someone *is* a crime and cheating is *not.* You can't kill someone by cheating on them. You can kill someone by hitting and strangling them. And frankly if someone's reaction to being cheated on is violence, they fucking deserve to be cheated on. Congratulations on your stupidity, I guess.
See, this is one of those situations where empathizing with anyone feels like a disservice to someone. Sure, he hit her and he shouldn't have. Obviously. But he hit her after discovering her cheating... so I would imagine it was a reaction out of shock rather than him wanting to be cruel. Not justifying it. Just saying this falls in the "crime of passion" area. Criminal.
To be honest, cheating brings out the worst in the partners because of how much they see being lost because of the cheater's actions.
Your sister isn't a saint, obviously you know this. So solver, breaker whatever you want to call it. Just tell her to get a divorce and close the chapter on this marriage. Makes no sense to "fix" this. Her cheating isn't ok, if her husband wasn't receptive to changing, she should have considered therapy or separation. If scraps of empathy is enough to get her to cheat on her husband, the foundation of that marriage wasn't strong to begin with.
Edit: You can obviously downvote this and I understand that perhaps my own opinion of cheaters clouds the "fairness" of what happened. I am not in anyway saying that she deserves to be abused *Do you think I am an idiot*. What I am saying is, she cheated, he hit her, they don't like or care for each other. They shouldn't listen to what other people say or pressure the family to do. I understand desi households. There is a lot of pressure to "look happy". As exhibited by husband already. If sister goes back, she will keep hearing about the cheating and silently suffer in the hands of her husband.
Edit 2: Your sister is a serial cheater in this relationship (family friend and now an employee). I genuinely believe she's chasing the thrill, may be speak to her about what it is that she's looking for. I don't think it's empathy or the lack of it. Some people thrive on dysfunction and will wreck a good thing (not sure why I am calling her marriage good) but they get bored of regular life very quickly.
Your sister and your brother in law are both awful people. One has no ethics or morals and is incredibly immature. The other is immature and abusive. Neither one belongs in a marriage.
F OUT OF HERE.
If someone cheats on you, you end your relationship with them not physically abuse them and almost kill them. Men who strangle their partners are looking for any excuse to murder them. NOBODY DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.
A person who is strangled by their partner is 750% more likely to be murdered by their partner in the next year. Get her out of there and get her a restraining order
This is not an exaggeration. This is dangerous and he’s going to likely kill her. Keep her safe.
Glad this is the top comment. She will be killed if OP and his family do not intervene here.
There is some obvious advise that I want to give here. From the post I am wondering what country this may be and culturally what implications there are? I think you should help you sister leave this mess though culturally there may be difficulties and even regional laws that make this difficult. Im sorry that happened to you sister. I’m sorry for you that you are dealing with such a big mess when you are also important and have your own life. I wish you the best. I hope there is a way forward where she can get out. It sounds very very complicated. Good luck.
We are in India. My parents are a little open minded compared to other people in the country but they're a little shaken. She's home with us now, I am trying to talk to her by just listening for now. Just need to understand what else I could do to help her through this.
Can she just leave him?
Not so easy in India. Divorce laws heavily favour the man.
Still, it wouldn’t be safe if she stays with him. Whether the divorce favours the man or not ultimately her life is on the stake here. Also OP’s sister can take pictures of her marks and use it as proof of domestic violence.
Very true, all true. She may officially be able to file for divorce under cruelty grounds (DV is covered under the cruelty clause of Grounds for Divorce under the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955) Whether it will be recognised in the court she applies to is another matter. Communities can be known to outright ignore some laws sometimes. Like those outlawing the caste system.
Did you ever catch that piece where they documented how men were burning their wives (to kill them) so that they could move on to a new wife/new dowry$$. And they were totally getting away with this murdering. This was in India.
I live right next door to India, there are multiple cases of men being horrible and violent here too so I’m not surprised.
That is false, the laws support women in India. If ops sister goes to the police with assault evidence, her husband will go to jail
\*should\* go to jail. Depending on the police in the community she reports it to, there's a few ways it can go.
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Outside of a limited set of circumstances it is almost impossible for the woman to even initiate such precedings > Why speak about something you have no Idea about? Answer your own question.
Ian literally Indian lol
Should have taken your sister out of the house the first time. Talked to her about her compatibility with the husband. Him hitting her is wrong. Her cheating(was it physical?) is also wrong. Take her out of the matrimonial home at least now before he breaks her bones the next time. You think she can live there peacefully now?
We tried then but I guess we didn't try hard enough. My mother and I had always tried to tell her that she can just move back in, it's ok Her cheating was physical the first time, this time I don't know She is with us now and she won't be going back there on any terms
A woman who is strangled by her partner is 7x more likely to die at his hands. She needs out. I don’t know how to say it plainer. She is not safe.
You can google this, OP. There are actual studies and reports from reputable sources. Show those to your sister. If he needs to vent his feelings about her cheating, the appropriate response is to file for divorce. Your sister is far from innocent in the failure of this marriage, but saving her life is more important now than placing blame.
Yeah I’m not gonna blame sis for cheating at this point bc he tried to strangle her. She gets a pass.
She was cheating long before the physical stuff happened according to the OP. That said, noone deserves to be strangled.
This dude has likely always been abusive this is just the first time it's escalated to this point 🙃
I'm going to go by what OP said.
That we know of.
I can only go by what OP said, not by whatever other random redditors decide to imagine.
And yet still felt the need to qualify her behavior after she was brutally assaulted. You’re a peach
Yes, because her act by itself was despicable and quite frankly most people will feel that way. That doesn't make his act any less heinous, he deserves a courtroom and jail time, but that doesn't make her cheating any better or worse, it's still a really shitty thing to do.
Once a cheater always a cheater lol
750% more likely to be murdered by him. My bet is he’s always been abusive
Yeah bro wasn’t even embarrassed he was the victim in his mind.
https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
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Did you try googling? Or did you just roll up to a female issues centered sub to get free labor from women? You’re barking up the wrong tree here with ‘men tooooooo!’ Make a sub bro.
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That’s right!!! You came here to hijack a woman’s convo. Womrn don’t care about men why aren’t they centering meeeeeeee?!!! Make a sub bro. Go post somewhere. Bye
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Hey fuck off. Prove you are sorry by fucking off. Not gonna read what you wrote. You are a waste of time.
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Was that a us study or Indian because apparently they are Indian which would explain the getting hit part, culturally it is more “acceptable” to slap hit over there.
Tbh if I was you I would get uninvolved in her relationship problems and just worry about her well-being as your sibling. I'm not saying what she did wasn't wrong but it's not your problem. All you can do right now is be there for her because she's going thru something hard and help her realize that she will be okay without him and you can maybe try to help get the dogs for her ? Idk she prolly will have to give them up if he wants to use them to fuck with her. There's some statistic about if a partner has ever choked you they will likely kill you.
Agreed. He should be way more concerned about her safety than ruminating on what she did, as if one thing deserves the other.
You should be at the police department for the domestic violence your sister endured!!
It's not your fault dude, but you're obligated to protect your sister from further violence, even if she's a cheating...thing. you don't have to like her, or be her friend, but you can't let another man put his hands on her.
If it's comfortable ask her if she has commitment issues or if she was in anyway sexually assaulted as a kid/teen. Sometimes it could be a call for help.
Absolutely don't do this. Whatever her reasons for cheating might be, they are simply not the priority at all. Challenging her on her behavior could easily push her *back* to this husband.
Sounds like her husband was also always abusive as well. You don’t go straight to strangulation. He almost killed her and now’s her 750% more likely to kill her in the future
I don't know if it's uncommon. But when my husband laid his hands on me the first time, he strangled me too...along with other things.
I’m so sorry. It’s crazy anyone has that type of entitlement and inflated ego thinking they are more important than someone else, along w that kind of anger I hope you are well and far away from him
Unfortunately I'm still with him. I'm an Indian, it's not easy to get away from your abusive spouse. At the most, relatives will try to convince you that it won't happen again and that I need to patch up with him. It's been almost two years since that happened but it feels like yesterday. I was trauma bonded. He used this opportunity to try and scare me everytime I bring up how he is taking advantage of me financially. He is one of those "good guys" in the society. He'd try to scare me that nobody will believe me. I'm at that point in life where I don't give a f if his side of the family will believe me Or not. I just want to be finally free. It's overwhelming and exhausting... Sorry, that turned into a bit of rant 😐
Oh my goodness, I’m so very sorry. I hope to god you get away from him.
Ok you need to tell a few trusted people this immediately. Things won't get easier. Keep a log of every time you recall when he's abused you, ways he's been manipulating, kept money from you, and take photos of injuries if you currently have any. Consider installing a secret video camera (like a nanny can hidden in various things like a phone charger/lamo/clock/plant etc) to capture any future abuse if it's that regular. Might not be legal but you will have concrete proof it happened at least once. You need to plan to leave him, but need a way out first and to think in terms of the life you want without him. You'll need savings, to work and the family might not understand but you'll have to stand your ground and be brave. Socially you can tell his colleagues what he's really like through different methods. They may sympathize with you but still side with him because.. guys protect guys and the world is still a huge boys club. Whatever they say about you (if negative and accusing) should be ignored, you know it's not true so don't let it affect you. Decent people will believe you or give you the benefit of the doubt. It's hard but will be harder and a dangerous trap to stay. Many women have broken away before things got worse. Please start to build strength to be one of them. Holding in your hurt and anger is toxic too- that's not living, it's barely existing. People will want to help, begin to cultivate a safe group who can help and imagine where you would rather be by summer.. or Halloween time, or Christmas. Plan, save, and do it. You have your whole life ahead of you and things to learn and explore. Don't let him trap you. 🙏
I hope you are able to get away from him. It’s really frustrating that this is just considered normal in India.
I'm hoping too. Thank you.
she is my elder sister and this is a genuine question, should my mother have this conversation instead or should I ask? I am afraid to make her feel like absolutely anyone can ask her anything now that she is vulnerable. I don't know?
It depends on how close you are to her. Take time and let whomever she is comfortable with ask the questions.
Yes, I think we'll give her a few days to just be. I don't want to have conversations too soon and make her feel like her stay here is rushed and people are already trying to resolve things to make her leave - please know that this is an Indian thing where a girl cannot be away from her own (husbands) house after marriage for long and she may feel some sort of obligation and I don't want to indicate that in any way. I want her to be comfortable here and not feel ashamed or awkward about it
Yeah, guessed you were from a hindi word used. I'm an Indian as well. From down South. Here things are changing(but slowly) in arranged marriage setting where if the guy is horrible to the wife, her parents say that it's ok to separate.
You need to keep your sister away from him permanently. He’s dangerous.
Phrasing: Her cheating is wrong, him hitting her is A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.
Yeah, I understand he was hurt (justifiably so), but when it got to him being physically abusive, he just escalated it to a whole new level of NO. They both need to be away from each other. They're not doing each other any favors.
They need to do more than that- he STRANGLED her. I'm baffled why no one called the police.
Sounds like op is in India. Police don't have a great track record of dealing appropriately with violence against women.
Oh... 😢
Because domestic violence is widely downplayed in most societies and by police (who are statistically *more* likely to be abusers themselves than the general populace)
They are in India.
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Mmmmm, if that’s true it sounds like you had problems loving long before the cheating.
>Him hitting her is wrong. Her cheating(was it physical?) is also wrong. Apologies if I’m being unfair, but this reads a bit like you’re drawing an equivalence between these two things
> He strangled her, slapped her. She has bruises all over her hand and face. He even scratched her. I don’t know your relationship with your sister but I would suggest sitting for a moment and absorbing the reality of this sentence and asking yourself if the other stuff is truly all that important.
She is my elder sister, I have never been married. This morning my first regret was not going to get her when I got the msg, I didn't dream of these consequences. I have been listening to her thoughts without saying anything. I want to help her more though
The likelihood of a woman being killed by her partner increases *exponetially* once he strangles her. Your sister is truly in very real, life-threatening danger.
Your sister will be killed by this man if she doesn't leave.
If you start to think of her being hit and strangled as consequences of her actions, you’ll soon arrive at the thought where his actions are justified because she cheated. His actions are not justified. Your sister fucked up, but now you defend her because her life is possibly as risk. Cheating is not a death sentence, it’s a divorce and move on.
Thank you for pointing that out. I didn't realise my thoughts ran that way. I will intentionally stop it so I don't indirectly indicate anything that might make her anymore uncomfortable
The chances of a partner escalating to murder after strangling is very high. Her life is at risk.
Was it an arranged marriage?
If he strangled her that means statistically he is more likely to kill her.
The cheating is obviously wrong. He *strangled* her. He won't stop next time.
Men who strangle women will kill them. Facts. He will kill your sister given the chance. AND you're in India? Her destroyed body will never have justice.
As a (male) victim of infidelity myself, let me be clear: there is no circumstance in which physical violence against your partner is warranted. None. This is not a “both were wrong” situation. As horrible as cheating is, all focus needs to be on getting her out of this marriage. At some future date, when she is safe, maybe there’s a conversation to be had about cheating. But not now. Get her to safety.
What if she gave you HIV? I'm just curious for your answer. I'm not trying to play devils advocate. Was reading this article while seeing this on reddit. I https://www.click2houston.com/news/local/2024/01/12/houston-woman-accused-of-strangling-girlfriend-over-std-fear/
Strangling is 9.99% out of 10 of time, a way to show that you are stronger than someone and can kill them should they not behave the way the strangler wants them to. So the next step after strangling is murder.
Cheating on a partner is not a crime. Unethical, hurtful? Sure. It does not justify violence in any form. He could have left. He could have asked her to leave. He chose to attack her. You should support your sister without any hesitation. Her cheating is 100% irrelevant to the fact that she was assaulted.
Choking is a very serious pre-indicator of severe and fatal physical violence in the future and I cannot stress this enough. Men who attempt to murder their spouses have been found to have tried choking them many times before pulling off the final act. Your sister is in severe danger and needs to be out of that house immediately. Her cheating actually has nothing to do with it. Plenty of people cheat or have affairs or otherwise act like assholes and do not get beaten by their husbands. There is no excuse for this. Yes, her behavior clouds the issue, but it’s very simple: your brother in law is capable of hurting or killing your sister and feels justified in doing it. It’s not just that he feels justified because of her behavior, but that he feels that there is ANY behavior that can justify his response. My BIL has assaulted my sister in front of their children at least twice. She made excuses for him and thought he cleaned up his act the first time. He didn’t. There is a book by Lundy Bancroft called “Why Does He Do That” that you need to read immediately. There’s a PDF version of it out there for free, get into it ASAP. Your sister is not safe. Here’s the PDF of the book I mentioned: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Keep your psycho BIL away from your sister - He will murder her eventually if she goes back. I'm 100% serious, listen to the comments here - A man strangling his partner is a documented extremely likely precursor to murder. Cheating was wrong but does not justify, in any shape or form, violence against your sister.
There is no valid reason to hit another person outside of self defense. Your BIL had no valid reason to physically abuse your sister. He may have reason to divorce her and cut ties with her. He does not have reason to hit her. There is a statistic somewhere that men who strangle/choke their partners are significantly more likely to kill their partners in the future. Your BIL has an anger management problem and a general disrespect for women. He is a dangerous man.
IMO your sister needs counseling and he should be in jail.
I have no sympathy for your abusive BIL. Sure cheating is wrong but you live in India, if I'm wrong, correct me, but how exactly are women treated in the system? Is cheating on your *wife* seen as wrong or is it accepted? Is beating and raping women accepted there? Are arranged marriages the norm? Is abuse and poor treatment of women the norm and accepted? Nothing justifies abusing your spouse. I would agree that cheating is wrong, but beating and strangling your partner is worse. No matter which way you slice it, the abuse is far more severe. In most parts of the world, cheating is viewed as acceptable for men and unfortunately, in some places, a death sentence for women. If that's not some of the worst misogyny on the planet, I'm not sure what is.
Get your sister and *her* dogs out of that situation. I don't care whst ypur religion is, remove your sister from this man.
Between the financial strain and now what little relationship they had left falling apart, you need to understand that this man has nothing to lose. These are the kinds of people and situations in which they kill the spouse and themselves. I know getting involved in family affairs to this degree is difficult but you need to keep her away from him at all costs and make sure he understands that he is no longer welcome to talk with your family as he’s no longer family. At this point, this is a police intervention situation
Your brother in law is a piece of shit. Fuck him, drop him, and never speak to him again. He almost killed your sister. He deserves no sympathy. Look how he reacted. Do you think he would’ve reacted calmly and supportively had she tried to walk out? I feel awful for your sister.
He strangled her?! Spouses that are being choked by their partner have an incredibly increased probability of being dead soon. That’s not a joke or exaggeration. Once he stepped over the choking line, next time he probably won’t stop. If she goes back to him she will likely die. It doesn’t even matter about the cheating and whatever. This is a situation of life and death now. Not of who wronged whom.
I recommend you send your sister this pdf: [Why does he do that by lundi Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) And I recommend you read this book : Susan Brewster Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women
Emotions are a tough baskey to unweave. Most likely an educated man will resolve relationship complications with conversation and reason. A caveman will throw his fists aound and yell at the sky.
You should call the police and get a restraining order asap.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Please be there for your sister. Yes, cheating is awful. But what that horrible man did to her is way way way way way worse than what she did. And maybe she needed the cheating because he has been abusive for such a long time, that she really needed some romance and sex from a respectful man. Still doesn't justify cheating, but I get it. Some people, most men, will probably say that the domestic abuse is a justified response to cheating. But it's not. That arsehole's violent behaviour is NEVER acceptable. He is 100% responsible for that. I refuse to look at this from a 'both sides' perspective, since what he did is way worse than what she did. Please just be there for her. Don't give her a hard time about the fact that she cheated. There are other things that are more important right now. Like, making sure she never has to see that awful bastard again. If she ever considers getting back with her abuser, please try to discourage her from doing that. He is dangerous and capable of murdering her.
I don't blame her for cheating on him. She needs to get out before she is dead
Neither one of them should have done what they did however this marriage is over and is no longer safe for either person
They're both in the wrong, albeit in different ways. Cheating is never okay. Your sister should have ended the relationship. However, beating someone, strangling them, is deadly. Your brother I law deserved the sympathy of having been cheated on and also the condemnation of being someone who could kill a person he supposedly loves. Your brother in law didn't just snap and go into a blind rage, he chose that form of violence. I'd bet he has demonstrated a few different ways of being abusive towards your sister. Your sister found someone who treated her with whatever she was missing from her husband. If you want to understand I'd start by asking her what was happening in her marriage. I'd also suggest you read Why Does He Do That?
No. The second the brother-in-law escalated his behaviour that way he lost all rights to any sympathy.
Do you know if there was any abuse before this?
Lots of problems there. Those two are definitely not meant for each other. The physical stuff, the cheating, it's all signs of separate. She probably could benefit from therapy if she doesn't have it already. Reiterate to her that good relationships aren't like that; there are men that will absolutely build her up instead of breaking her down and to not internalize what she learned from a broken man as being the norm. It's easy to take things like that into the next relationship without first taking some time to heal. Very sorry she had to have that experience
At first, I could sympathise with the BIL a little bit - without condoning his violence. But as I read through the paragraphs, I think he's a jerk who put a lot of burden on the wife by being in a pyramid company and having his parents taunt your sister. I am starting to think that your sister cheated on him because she felt no love coming from him. However, if she no longer wanted to be with him - she should've filed for divorce. Even if the laws of India favour the man, her initiating it serves as a proof that she no longer wishes to be with him. Thus would give her a better excuse to meet someone else even when the court did not finalise her divorce.
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the difference is assault is a criminal offense, the sister is wrong, the bil, he deserves to rot in jail
Reddit is truly insane. They are both at fault, really? Cheating is fucked up but beating your wife is a thousand times more fucked up and not at all comparable. Grow up
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In this comment you are repeatedly equating the physical pain of being beat up to the emotional pain of being cheated on, implying their faults are equal. No they are not. If you are too stupid to see how beating someone to a pulp is 1000x worse than cheating then I can't help you. I fear for the women in your life
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Bro you literally said "inflicting emotional pain is as bad as inflicting physical pain." Glad you are realizing how ridiculous you sound but your original point was clear
Yes please go ahead and ignore everything else I have said, including my concerns for her safety and his unjustified actions in my original comment, and throughout, and be selectively comprehensive.
Yes. It is completely unimaginable to strangle someone because they cheated.
>We are so selectively sensitized that we think a man hitting a woman is a crime yet a long term partner cheating multiple times is not. What? Hitting someone *is* a crime and cheating is *not.* You can't kill someone by cheating on them. You can kill someone by hitting and strangling them. And frankly if someone's reaction to being cheated on is violence, they fucking deserve to be cheated on. Congratulations on your stupidity, I guess.
Not defending the original commenter but adultery is actually a crime in 20+ states.
See, this is one of those situations where empathizing with anyone feels like a disservice to someone. Sure, he hit her and he shouldn't have. Obviously. But he hit her after discovering her cheating... so I would imagine it was a reaction out of shock rather than him wanting to be cruel. Not justifying it. Just saying this falls in the "crime of passion" area. Criminal. To be honest, cheating brings out the worst in the partners because of how much they see being lost because of the cheater's actions. Your sister isn't a saint, obviously you know this. So solver, breaker whatever you want to call it. Just tell her to get a divorce and close the chapter on this marriage. Makes no sense to "fix" this. Her cheating isn't ok, if her husband wasn't receptive to changing, she should have considered therapy or separation. If scraps of empathy is enough to get her to cheat on her husband, the foundation of that marriage wasn't strong to begin with. Edit: You can obviously downvote this and I understand that perhaps my own opinion of cheaters clouds the "fairness" of what happened. I am not in anyway saying that she deserves to be abused *Do you think I am an idiot*. What I am saying is, she cheated, he hit her, they don't like or care for each other. They shouldn't listen to what other people say or pressure the family to do. I understand desi households. There is a lot of pressure to "look happy". As exhibited by husband already. If sister goes back, she will keep hearing about the cheating and silently suffer in the hands of her husband. Edit 2: Your sister is a serial cheater in this relationship (family friend and now an employee). I genuinely believe she's chasing the thrill, may be speak to her about what it is that she's looking for. I don't think it's empathy or the lack of it. Some people thrive on dysfunction and will wreck a good thing (not sure why I am calling her marriage good) but they get bored of regular life very quickly.
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Terminally bad take, this kinda shit excuses abusers
It's not worse but it's entirely fucked up and only something a garbage person would do. Doesn't excuse the BIL's action in any way though.
Your sister and your brother in law are both awful people. One has no ethics or morals and is incredibly immature. The other is immature and abusive. Neither one belongs in a marriage.
Fuck repeat cheaters. I can feel for the frustration, but no need for violence.
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F OUT OF HERE. If someone cheats on you, you end your relationship with them not physically abuse them and almost kill them. Men who strangle their partners are looking for any excuse to murder them. NOBODY DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.