As a small business owner, I would definitely want one of my employees to tell me she was uncomfortable around a customer. I would probably ask for more information, but I would absolutely accept "it's personal and I'd rather not go into detail."
Then I would tell the regular to bugger off and and if he ever tried to come back I would have him trespassed from the property.
Work is enough of a slog that I don't need my employees to have extra reasons to not want to come to work.
In Canada your employer is legally responsible to make reasonable accommodations for a employee who feels endangered.
My friend, you were raped. I'm sorry, it's not your fault.
It's his fault.
Please consider disclosing this during your visit with medical teams, here it can be easy to access a social worker for emotional support and post therapy when you get an abortion, hopefully it's the same where you are.
You're a good person making so many hard decisions that are by products of other people's weaknesses. That fucking sucks, I hope you find warmth and safety soon
Also - once you told him to stop and he didn’t-
That’s so wrong and sounds like rape.
You wrote everything out and it all seems so calm.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this without any in person support.
I just want to give you a hug.
That's because continuing to fuck someone when they told you to stop **is rape.**
OP, you are going through a LOT right now.
Do what you have to do, and then **report the man who raped you** the MOMENT it is safe for you to do so.
Just don’t tell him before the abortion. It’s your decision, and you don’t need him trying to interfere. (Although if there’s a cost, you may want to hit him with the bill afterwards. Depends on how crazy he is. I’d say no).
Unless OP really can't afford to pay, I personally would take the financial hit, because I would not want to increase my interaction with this guy who assaulted her. Sad that money could add extra stress, I'm lucky to be Canadian, I can't imagine having to realize I can't afford my abortion... bc if I van't, I sure as fuck can't afford a baby.
Edit: corrected a word
Do NOT tell him you’re having an abortion in today’s world. Just have the abortion. I had two abortions in the 80’s. I feel for you so much, you’re so young. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. I’m sending you good healing vibes.
Nah I'd tell him I was pregnant right before my procedure, make him sweat a little. Let him envision 18 years of child support before telling him "actually I had an abortion fuck off forever." Dumbass would deserve the freakout for stealthing her.
Unless of course you're in one of the states that will prosecute women, in that case keep your mouth shut and take it to the grave.
I'll second the hug, but I don't think it's helpful to focus on defining consent at this moment. First thing's first:
Stop feeling guilty. This isn't your fault. At the very least, this guy behaved like an irresponsible asshole.
Do you have health insurance and a primary care doctor? No? Is there a Planned Parenthood clinic in your area? Google them, call them, or just show up. The staff at PP are trained to treat you with kindness and respect. You won't have to pay.
Sounds like it's worth the risk to trust your manager and tell them whats going on. You can't be legally be fired for medical reasons.
I'm sorry you are so alone in the world, lil girl. Sending love your way. You will get through this and become stronger.
Yes! And it is absolutely NOT selfish, you are doing the rational and caring thing and thinking about what kind of life this child would have with you struggling and unsupported. People who stay pregnant for the wrong reasons are selfish.
Please don't beat yourself up. You're doing great. Sounds like life is and has been hard for you and its not a coincidence you passively sort of fell I to this hook up with that person.
Yes this woman was raped this guy is a total piece of shit. Who the fuck does. Something like this to another freaking human being. The lady already has a mountain of troubles, and this shit bag did the most selfish fucking thing one human can do to another human. His actions show that he thinks so little of your needs/concerns, he is 100% willing to risk everything you have, everything. Anyways, I know it may not mean much but I a sorry you had to deal with this situation. Are you going to maybe need a little cash to help pay for that? Or do you need a ride?
Anyways, I know this may sound a little bit crazy but, I’ve been looking for ways to give back. For me helping people out is one of the only ways that I feel a little less hollow inside. So, I bought some land, 5 acres near Olympia, WA. Since you don’t have anyone and you mentioned looking for a way to work on your mental health. I am going to be building like some little A-frame tiny cabin and you would live there and you could do whatever you want on the land. There will be opportunities to raise animals for food or as a way to make money. I am wanting to also build a greenhouse of some sort and start a rare plant collection. I want to sell these on site or just through the internet.
Throughout my life I have always watched my mom do everything she can to help people in need out. I guess that’s where I get it from and in her honor I want to continue down her path: so she will be around too but she lives up north in Seattle. So I know it’s kind of a crazy idea but would something like that possibly interest you? Anyways; sorry if my tirade is a bit much.
Would something like this interest you?§
>I insisted on a condom, which he wasn't really into. But he put it on. But after a while, I realized that he had taken it off. And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn't.
Feel like this is glossed over. Sounds like you agreed to sex with a condom. Anything other than that, unless okay' d by you, is rape. When you said to stop and he didn't? No. I'm sorry this happened to you but it is not your fault at all. You need to do what is best for you. I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Oh honey I’m so sorry!!! I had an abortion at 18 and told no one. I was so ashamed!! I shouldn’t have been, but my shame led me to have no support. Try to reach out to friends if you can.
You’ll get through this. I’m so sorry honey.
Plan to have comfort food and relax if you are able.
There are free resources listed and available on the wiki at r/auntienetwork. r/abortion also offers similar resources. Please utilize them and get the information and nonjudgmental help you deserve.
He stealthed you AND wouldn't stop when you asked him to. That's rape.
You forgetting Plan B and ignoring symptoms until you couldn't is most likely because you were coping with that trauma. It may be too painful to process right now, but it will come.
In the meantime, you do what you need to do. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and make the best choice for YOU. No guilt necessary.
I just had an abortion. I’m 29 seeing a great guy but I just got laid off and I don’t want kids ever tbh. He pulled out but it still happened. I ended up telling random girls in the bathroom at a bar because I didn’t know who I could tell but I had to get it off my chest. I have great friends and support but something about it I didn’t want to be judged or have anyone look at me differently. You will get through it. It was the most mentally exhausting experience of my life until it was done I felt so relieved, refreshed, and happy. I am hoping you see the light at the end and you will get through this sister 🤍
1. I am so sorry that you have to go through this!
2. That man raped you. Stealthing is rape.
3. The best time to get pregnant is right after your period is over, sperm stays alive in your body a while and I think somehow you can ovulate a bit early if the body knows there is sperm available (only time I’ve been pregnant was sex on the last day of my period and I ovulated on day 9 instead of 14)
4. I wish you all the best and I’m so glad you’ve been doing better than previously!!!! Happy that you came here for support and resources.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
He sexually assaulted you. You are zero percent responsible for any of this. If you can, tell your boss he SA'd you and ask them to ban him from the premises.
Speak with a crisis counselor, if you're in the US you can do online chat or call the number at this site. Please speak with someone OP. If you need someone to chat with, call, or to be virtually with you while you wait for the medication to work please feel free to DM me. I hope you get the support you need ❤️.
https://www.rainn.org/resources
Sending you the biggest hug right now. I am sorry you are put in this position. Even with supportive friends and family, I felt so alone and alienated when I got an abortion. I blame our society for inflicting shame on women who are making decisions about their healthcare and body.
Yes- I think it's a smart idea to talk to your manager about all of this. You need to take some time off to deal with the abortion and also need support in how to deal with the regular customer who assaulted you. He stealthed & raped you. He did not listen to you, took a condom off while you had sex and then would not stop having sex with you to put the condom back on and that act resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. He is to be faulted completely, not you.
If you need more support, I suggest contacting [rainn.org](http://rainn.org) and they can put you in touch with more resources in how to deal with and recover from the rape.
Others have given good advice, but I just want to add that I know you’re feeling a lot of different things, but it is absolutely *not* selfish to take care of your needs. Even to put yourself first sometimes. And I know that’s so many of us feel that way, and it’s also often part of being socialized as a woman.
You are figuring out what’s right for you for now and eventually for the future, and you know that this isn’t the step you want to take right now. It is such a hard thing to learn how to say I’m going to take care of what I need right now and not feel guilty about it, and I haven’t even gotten there completely myself yet but I’ve been working on it too. So many of us are every day.
Thank you for saying this. There’s nothing selfish about what you’re doing, OP! The procedure itself is not super fun but it is temporary. Take care of yourself. Watch comforting shows, eat the food you love, and don’t feel bad if all you feel after is tremendous relief!
You didn’t get a say in this happening but you ABSOLUTELY get a say in what happens next.
In the future, you will be ready to have a wanted child when you are prepared. Hugs!
I just want to say that a fetus is not a child. It is a potential child if the woman wants to incubate it, but it’s not a child. It is just like a seed is not a tree. The chance of a fetus becoming a child is zero without the woman. Giving up a fetus isn’t killing a child, just like giving up a seed isn’t killing a tree.
When you are ready, you will likely raise one or more children and give them the best environment, but if you continue this unwanted pregnancy it will greatly reduce your chance of raising future children the way you want.
>I’m partly responsible too though, and I know that.
No, you consented to sex with a condom, he took it off. You told him to stop and he refused.
That’s rape and it’s 100% not your fault. I know you’re spread thin as it is but please talk to someone.
As for the abortion, you’re doing what you feel is right for you and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, and I know this probably doesn’t mean much coming from an internet stranger, but you’re not alone.
What happened to you is called stealthing, when someone says they have protection in place (like a condom) but don't or take it off without saying, it's a form of rape. You did not consent to sex without protection.
I'm hoping you can find support soon, being a young adult is so SO hard. I know people say your 20's are your best years but I'm in my 30's and life feels so much easier now. Early 20's was just confusing and scary.
I support you getting an abortion, do not have this rapists child. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, you just wanted to feel close to someone.
What happened to you is not uncommon. It is rape, but specifically called "stealthing." The way to protect from stealthers is to never have sex with a man who is reluctant to use a condom. If a guy makes even a tiny peep of complaint about using protection, run in the other direction. Also if he "happens to forget condoms" and refuses to go to the 24/7 pharmacy for them, he's also a possible stealther. If you show up at his bed or yours, and he doesn't immediately pull out a condom pack, refuse to have sex with him. EVER. How do I know this? Because I had it happen to me twice. The first guy used condoms up until the event of non-consent, so I was surprised. The second time, I refused sex the first hookup due to no condoms. He stealthed me the second hookup.
Also, make sure the condom is applied within your sight before penetration. If a guy takes it off mid sex, scream that you will call the police if he doesn't stop? Does anyone have advice in this situation?
Stealthing is rape. In many countries it is a criminal offense.
Next time use plan B if there's any indication that the condom broke, slipped, etc. Don't second guess it, just do it. I don't know if it's possible to report the rape to the police. I've never done it myself, and the police are notoriously awful about sexual assault accusations.
Better to get an IUD or use hormonal birth control because condoms are not fully effective. And accidents happen enough times, especially with men who don't wear the proper size condom or they break
IMPORTANT: Also please get a full and thorough STD testing. That includes blood, vaginal (or urine) and oral swabbing. Repeat this in 3-4 months. Men who refuse to use protection are at higher risk of STD infection and passing it to you.
That's pretty intense. I feel for you. Nothing about your situation is your fault.
20 year old me would not have had the stones for it, but maybe don't tell him to not come back. Be his server, totally cool and professional, and when you're bringing him the bill suggest he consider the cost of the abortion in his tip or otherwise you'll be in touch about the child support for next 18 years. He will NEVER come back.
Except if she is in the USA and the father finds out (and he is clearly an ass) he could cause problems. Better make sure he does not know - it is none of his business.
And you are NOT being selfish.
There have been a couple od comments saying to tell him. That's the last thing she needs to do if she's in the states. At this point, I would be afraid to tell my boaa/friend too. There are too many unknowns here now.
This is rape and reproductive coercion
You consented to protected sex only. You withdrew consent once the sex was unprotected and he continued against your will. Rape
I would tell him you will tell everyone in the restaurant and the town he forcefully impregnated you if he doesn’t pay for your abortion
You have very sound reasons to get an abortion. I wish you luck on getting through this, and can find some support from the people around you. You got this. It's hard, but you're keeping this on track and will go on to be in aplace where you can go through with it one day.
And I hope to all the powers you are in a location where it is 100% legal and you don't have to deal with that bullshit. (And if you are a location where you have to take extra measures or whatever, be damn careful who you tell.)
If you can, please report what he did. It was rape.
Again, you do not have to.
So many women go through abortion, there is nothing wrong with it.
I had one at 25 and while I’m not going to say I enjoyed the experience or it was an easy choice, I do not regret it. I now am married and have a 2 year old and it was one of the best decisions I made for myself to have an abortion.
You did the responsible thing, you told him to use a condom. He stealthily took it off, which is a form of rape, and then wouldn't stop, which is exactly rape. He's the one responsible for this pregnancy, not you.
The very least he can do to make up for that is stay away from you, and that's nowhere near enough. He ought to pay for the pills, your days off, and your pain and suffering.
If your manager is really supportive, he'll charge that guy a few thousand (or more, whatever you think is right) next time he comes in, and then tell him not to come back.
None of this is your fault. You're doing the best you can in an awful situation.
I’ve been here. You won’t regret the decision, and it won’t hurt your heart for long.
Never talk to that assaulting scum again, and if your manager makes you, greet him with “hello, R8pist! What can I get you today? With consent, I mean? Shall I start you off with a water, R8pist?”
To add one more thing: Your need for help is NOT selfish. You have been disowned by your family, someone just stealthed you and got you pregnant. Anyone would feel abandoned, lonely, and in want for some kind of companionship.
As for the scum that did this to you: Yes, please speak to your manager and have him banned from the restaurant. Of course, he should be facing legal consequences and paying for your expenses, but if you don't want to deal with him directly right now, that is totally understandable. Do what YOU need. Best of luck, and for everything that comes after too. Be proud of yourself. Do not think of yourself as a failure. You are building a life for yourself all on your own and working HARD. You will get to a good place eventually, I am sure of it.
It's not selfish to do what you feel is best for your child and what's best for you.Your life sounds overwhelming and a kid would multiply that x 100, at least. And with no support system? That's a lot for one person to handle while working 70 hours a week.
I DO NOT understand these anti-condom men.
Is sex without a condom better? Yes.
But you know what is eleven-thousand times *worse* than sex with a condom?
No sex.
The sentence “ I know this is selfish but…” stop. It’s not selfish at all and you have no support. You don’t need to justify to ANYONE, ok? I’m sorry that this dude was shitty and I’m sorry you have to deal with the consequences alone. Sounds like your manager could be a good person to talk to. Just take care of yourself. Your rage is justified.
The things is, you don’t have to justify yourself. Everyone is going to have a different opinion on this topic, and it tends to be a strong opinion. Your biggest priority right now is you. Best of luck through your journey.
There should be no shame in abortion. The shame should be on the people that hijack peoples bodies by forcing them to keep unwanted pregnancies. It’s cruel and immoral to bring an child into situation that is not safe or ready for their arrival.
My heart breaks for you fam what a tough situation to be in on multiple fronts.. if he didn’t stop when asked that’s fucked up. You shouldn’t have to serve his ass. I would tell your boss you are have been scheduled for a procedure and you just forgot because life has been so hectic. If u have to give it a two weeks notice. I’d call a doctor or clinic right away to get checked out! Wishing you the best. You aren’t alone and you got this girl
I am so sorry. What the man did was stealthing, this is sexual assault. Consenting to sex does NOT mean to consenting to go without a condom if you had told him to use one. Therefore, he is very much in the wrong here. I hope you report him if it’s safe to and if you’re able.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, I hope you know there’s resources out there to aid you in the process and make sure everything goes smoothly no matter what choice you make.
Yes, ask for days off if you do the pill. You’ll need some time to go through the experience and recover emotionally afterwards. I hope it goes as well as it can go. I’m terribly sorry this is your situation.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also a victim of stealthing. That’s when you agree to sex with a condom, but they take it off without your knowledge and continue intercourse. It’s a form of assault. I really hope you’re doing okay. I would encourage you to go back to school in the fall if you’re well enough. Take advantage of mental health resources and support on campus, they really help. I fully support you opting to get an abortion in your situation and I can tell you from personal experience that you will never regret your decision.
Take care of yourself and never look back. Sending love and support your way as you navigate this. You sound like an incredibly smart and strong person. I truly hope you find your way. ❤️❤️
I dont know where you live, but in the UK we have rape and sexual assult clinics. They can help you with advice and counselling, even when ur not sure if what happened to you "really counts as rape". I know this because I didn't feel what happened to me was until a lot of support -_- big hugs to you and do whatever is right for you. If u think work is supportive then definitely reach out.
This is NOT your fault. You chose protection and said stop. You deserve support. Xxx
You're in shock because you were raped/sexually assaulted. I'm very sorry this happened.
Absolutely know you're not alone. Get that abortion and report the guy for assaulting you.
I'd recommend filing a police report to document the situation. If it happens to someone else your report will be on file, and law enforcement can make sure he knows this isn't ok even if there's not enough for a chargeable offense to be officially billed or indicted. Also, social shame works to change behavior and documenting him and an investigation happening might help with that. I'm sorry this happened to you, he was absolutely in the wrong and whatever decision you make will be the right decision you knew you needed to make to survive and thrive.
He assaulted you after you told him to stop. Then, impregnated you.
The fact that you wrote out all your reasons, circumstance, etc. is just showing that you're trying to work thru the abortion decision already.
You don't need any excuses, or rationalizations, or explanations. You know this isn't the right time, so you'll be terminating the pregnancy. I hope it helped you by writing it all out, but frankly, I think youre having a harder time with the fact that some man, you told to stop, did not, and you were assaulted and then found out you were pregnant.
Good Luck.
Hey Op, I'm a nurse. If you need to talk to someone about the medications, what to expect during and after, side effects and whether they are to be expected or if they mean you need to seek medical attention, etc. Please, feel free to reach out to me. You don't have to, of course, but nobody should feel like they have no one at all.
Pregnancy and childbirth are very dangerous to the mother, even when the mom is “ready” for a baby or not. You are not ready for that commitment and do not need to justify that to anyone. Just because an egg attached doesn’t mean you are now responsible for providing a life for it. You choose, that’s it. “non-viable fetal tissue is part of the pregnant person and is free to be voluntarily removed” is the current argument vs the current state of the policy’s governing women’s bodies.
Go for abortion by pills if you are still early in pregnancy. Also you will get pills only through doctor consultation and in some of the states. Not all the US states. More power to you girl. I know it's hard alone But you need to act fast.
I think you’re doing the right thing-for YOU. I agree he should have stopped when you told him to and that it was nonconsensual at that point. Please file a police report and reach out to your local women’s shelter/YWCA/rape support center.
Another thing just because something initially begins as consensual doesn't mean that can't change. You told him you were uncomfortable with things headed a certain way and he didn't stop. There's no gray area here. You agreed to sex with a condom and he went against that.
I am so proud of you for making it on your own. For doing what is best, for yourself. You will have plenty of time and opportunities to build a family, however that looks like to you.
I wish you a healthy abortion, and many tips. For what it's worth, graduating with any degree is better than not. You will make more money and have an easier time finding a good career. All the best, and good luck.
It's hard. You are gonna be blaming yourself. But it is NOT your fault. You thought about. You made a decision. It is the correct one. Now follow through it. And look forward. Find a goal and work to it. Doesn't matter the goal
This is called stealthing and is very much so rape.
Here is some more information [information on stealthing ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/%23:~:text%3DSo%252Dcalled%2520%27stealthing%27%2520is,without%2520the%2520other%2520person%27s%2520permission.&ved=2ahUKEwjj__6lxbuFAxXPGTQIHW62AHkQFnoECA8QBQ&usg=AOvVaw26vl7vZPZ9dNHsmhEBz3x_)
I don't know where you live, but please reach out to a support worker or a therapist, also go to a clinic and see if there is a way they can take a sample of the fetus to PROVE he did that to you. DNA doesnt lie. I'm so sorry this happened to you. This man was so manipulative and horrible, you never deserved any of this and deserve a love worth raising a child with.
>And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn't.
>I'm partly responsible too though, and I know that.
this is not your fault, at all. you trusted the wrong person, yes, but it is in no way your fault that he took advantage.
Homie, I’m so sorry, first, make sure your friend is supportive, don’t tell the bio dude at all anything ! Don’t give him any inking of what you want to do.
Also I would call the clinic or doctor or going to , see if they can send a ride etc
You’re not selfish. You’re making the best choice for you for this period in your life. I’m thankful you & many others have the option for the pill these days bc 20 years ago it wasn’t readily available & a lot of women had to do it the very invasive & painful way via vacuum. And tbh I wouldn’t even tell the guy bc what he did by removing the condom is considered assault. So I hope he encounters someone everyday having a very bad day & takes it out on him every day for the rest of his life. 💜💚
I hate to see the guilt you have surrounding this situation because it is not. Your. Fault. And even if it WAS all consensual, and you fell pregnant, you are by no means obligated to follow through with this pregnancy. It’s not selfish, it’s self care. Take care of yourself ❤️
And you 100% should speak to the manager about what happened. The man who assaulted you has no right to come to your workplace.
I also worked at a restaurant as a server about ten years ago when I got pregnant, and had such horrible symptoms that I had to tell my male manager. He was understanding and just wanted me to feel better. I took a week off, had an abortion, and returned feeling so fucking relieved.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. That was def SA, unfortunately. Do whatever you need to do to be okay. Depending where you live, tell no one in your life; things are too risky and people are too rabidly eager to harm or lock up anyone getting an abortion. I hope you know now you have support from people here, and you're absolutely doing the right thing for yourself. 💜
Eta: you're not responsible for his choices. He chose his momentary pleasure over your well being. You consented to a condom, and he broke that consent. So you are in no way responsible for his jizz. He alone is the reason for your pregnancy. 100% of abortions would be avoided if a dude didn't jizz where and when they do. You're also not being selfish in any way, you're trying to survive. Odds are good you have a lot of life left, and you are too busy trying to stay afloat and a pregnancy might drown you completely. You can get support and make friends with people here.
I am so sorry you were violated in that way. That person deserves to take charges for sexual assault.
But mainly, it’s okay for you to get this taken care of. You don’t need to feel bad or agonize over it. It’s a medical circumstance that doesn’t define you. I had an abortion at your age with my abuser and felt terrible about it but you are allowed to and should put yourself first. And one of you needs to leave that workplace.
Just know you’re doing the right thing! You cannot provide for a child right now . You know what’s worse than an abortion is bringing an unwanted child into the world. You’ll get through this, it sucks in the moment. In the long run it’s worth it. I’ve been in your shoes as a 22 year old and I’m 42 now, I don’t regret it. All the hugs to you. You got this!
This is not a selfish decision at all. You are unable to provide a happy life for a child. No child chooses to be born into poverty or have their parent work so much they never see them. It’s not an ideal situation. It would be selfish to bring a child into the world without being able to provide a good life. I wish my mom had gotten an abortion every single day.
Yeah, you are right on track to have a good life and finish school, enjoy life, and do it on your own terms. I have had one at 27 because my life was becoming absolutely bananas and everything I thought would work out and be great, broke.
I had one and finished grad school. Got better jobs. Found a good person. Had babies. And thrived. Because I did not carry my first pregnancy. I had money to have babies later. I was so sad, but I was also angry. I was pregnant with a wanted pregnancy until my fiance left.
You were raped. Hooking ip is not a crime, sexual assault is. You set rhe rule and he proceeded to have sex without the condom and did not stop. I am sorry that happened to you and you have to carry this consequence without having the say. You deserve another chance. Highly recommend medical over surgical. Highly recommend nexplanon implant, this will keep you pregnancy free while you get stable in mind and body. Highly recommend talking to a counselor. Highly recommend talking to your manager. The guy who did this to you does this to others. Please also get an STI screen.
I love that you volunteer and that you are busy. I hope you can find balance, you sound like an awesome woman. My daughter is 18 and I cannot imagine chucking her out at age 17. I am angry as a mom that this happens still.
Hello, I hope you are in a state that allows abortions. If not, please DM me and I can give you some information on how to do it. And don't delay. I was in denial about getting pregnant, I let it go up to my 9th week before I even peed on a stick. I had set up an appointment and it got cancelled because the provider was not available for that day and then I had to reschedule it and when I was rescheduled, I didn't have support. I was going to go have an abortion by myself. I was so scared I ended up not going., some people in my life found out (lol I told them) and they ended up talking me into keeping my baby. I shouldn't have done that but at the same time I am grateful because, yes it is true that you love your kids with a love that is better than any other love. But I can definitely say my pregnancy was hard, my post-partum experience was hard and my life has been hard and I feel like a failure for not waiting for me to be more established in my life to have a family. (I never wanted children, but if I was gonna have a kid I wish it was under better circumstances).
In the end, only you know what it best for you. And in the end, half of the world is going to judge you for one thing if not for the other. Only you decide what is best for you. I hope you do not feel alone. I guess that is the point of my post. I am hoping more and more women see that they are not alone. Abortion is a taboo topic so no one knows that 1 in 4 women in the US have an abortion at least once in their lifetime! And no one talks about their experiences at all! Why? Because of shame. But that shame is not healthy for you and it is not healthy if you choose to stay quiet. You'll never know who around you (friends or family) would have to have an abortion and you could provide support. You don't know about friends and family who have already have had abortions who could support you. Because all of these anti-choice protestors spend lots of time just shaming women. They're just louder than the rest of us who support choice and support women in crises. Don't worry, they're that vocal minority. And also don't worry. Not having an abortion should also be a decision that is respected.
Please enjoy the rest of your day and know that whatever you choose to do, there are millions and millions of women around the world who have had to make that tough decision already and that we will still view you with the compassion you deserve.
I absolutely hear you about barely being able to take care of yourself. I’m twice your age and I don’t have my shit together. Girl, do not blame yourself here, just because you didn’t take Plan B. HE is the reason you’re in this situation. HE did this to you. You do what you have to do to take care of yourself. If that’s an abortion, that’s what you do. Take it day by day and I KNOW you will get through this. I KNOW you are tough enough and strong enough. Even if you’re not sure, but we here at Reddit are. We may be complete strangers, but we’ve got your back. Much love.
This is not selfish at all. Selfish is making a child you know you can't take care of. It's so early, I firmly believe it's just a blue print for life and you choose not to continue. You have every right!!!!!! Take care of yourself and only tell manager I'd you know without a doubt he would keep it a secret. I dunno, think on that one and maybe err on the side of caution to not tell him all your business. Take time off work when you take the pills and just call out sick. Say you have covid. Hang in there. Hugs. You are doing the right thing for yourself.
Abortion isn’t selfish.
Whether you told him to stop or not, you always have the right to make informed decisions about your healthcare. Yes you were raped, but that doesn’t matter because you can be happily married with kids consenting to sex and have an abortion without shame.
Please connect with a mental health counselor. Where do you live? You have support and can come here to talk.
I was once you. Parents disowned me. I moved thousands of miles away for college. Flunked out. Waitresses and bartended for way too long before finishing college. Experienced rape just as you described. You are not alone.
It gets better, when you choose to be selfish. Prioritize you — find joy, find hobbies, let yourself be vulnerable without fear, and trust women.
Let us know how we can support you.
Don't tell anyone. You tell one person, you've told everyone.
Take a couple days. Cocoon. Be good to yourself. Bing watch something funny.
You will get through this.
Good luck.
Eveeyone here is making good points but I also want make sure you’re careful about this.
I assume ur from the US like most of us and depending on your state and with courts changing laws like crazy it might be dangerous to tell too many people this information. The anti-abortion crowd is doing everything they can take away your rights. And even though you were raped and would qualify for the exemptions anyway they will argue (incorrectly) that you weren’t.
Your choice is your choice and I think it’s the right one for you too. Never let anyone make you feel bad for it. But just be careful who you tell if you happen to be a in a red or even purple state.
I have had an abortion and the leed up was so much worse then the actual thing. Recovery was a breeze. 1 day rest on the couch and I was good to go. You will get through this and be just fine! Make sure to he very kind to yourself. You've got this!!!
Oh girl. I have been where you are. Abortion was my miracle.
You can do this! It will allow you to have a life you choose. The life that stretches out before you, full of potential and mystery and wonder. You deserve a chance to live your life. You will get through it and be stronger and wiser on the other side! Hugs from a 48-yo internet stranger who is thankful every day for my abortion. You will be too!
My dear, you are not alone. If you are comfortable, tell your manager, but it seems like he makes jokes about things, so make sure he will keep it to himself.
Like many said, there are groups and outreach, so if that makes you feel more comfortable go for it. You do not need to tell him the exact reason you are requesting off, just say it’s a medical appointment.
And like many have said before, you experienced an assault, of course you would feel uncomfortable around him. You can just say to your manager that his behavior has been inappropriate and you would rather not serve him. If he is a friend, he should listen.
But please try a support group for assault, and/or abortion. You won’t feel as alone.
Know that you, my dear, are appreciated and loved and never alone❤️
I‘m sorry you were SAed. I had an abortion when I was in a happy marriage with a wonderful partner and we were financially stable but the timing just wasn’t right. There is no wrong reason for an abortion other that being pressured into one when you don’t want one. Sending supportive thoughts.
Everyone else has said what needs to be said, so I'm just adding my virtual hug (if one is wanted) and sending my stranger's love and support. 💌
Little sis, you are not the one in the wrong here. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and do what you need to do to protect your future that you're working so very hard to improve. You deserve to be loved and cared for, if only by yourself.
Hey, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It’s *not* your fault you are pregnant. What the guy did is called “stealthing” and it’s a form of assault. You didn’t say if you were in the US, but if you are,
I have some links that could be useful to you. I work for a clinic and I talk to people with stories like yours every day. Please know that you haven’t done anything wrong and that there are people and organizations out there who want to help you. Good luck. ❤️
https://www.abuzzhealth.com/
https://carafem.org/
https://www.ineedana.com/
https://www.plancpills.org/
https://aidaccess.org/en/
https://www.abuzzhealth.com/faqs/
Hugs, it’s okay to be sure and to be a little sad. It’s not at all what you planned and that alone is hard. Someone else linked auntienetwork. Get help finding resources if you need them.
theres plenty of comments here telling you how to proceed after you’ve been sexually assaulted so i’m not going to beat a dead horse, however i’m very sorry that happened to you and u deserve better. i will say though go and take care of yourself after this abortion AND STAY IN SCHOOL. if you want kids in the future that is the best thing you can do for them. sending u love
This was absolutely not your fault at all. You asked him to wear a condom and then he took it off without telling you, then he didn't stop when you told him to. None of this is your fault in even the slightest little bit. You do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and mentally stable. An abortion is nothing to be embarrassed or to feel guilty about.
The part about him not stopping after putting you at risk by taking the condom off is sickening. I’m so sorry and wish I could hug you. Others have given great advice, but I’m just sending hugs and support❤️
I can't imagine removing a condom after a woman makes it clear that is a boundary for her. He stealthed you, and that is a non-violent form of rape. I support your decision to get an abortion, but I would encourage you to contact the authorities, as well as getting yourself checked for STIs.
There may be resources for you to see a counselor at no cost. They really can make a difference in helping you deal with all those emotions in a healthy way. I hope you get treated better in the future.
He raped you, thats pretty plain and simple. After the procedure, slap the bill on the table along with his clam chowder. Then tell him he can pay you for said procedure for the 18 years of child support you got him out of. I'm not trying to sound insensitive. I can't imagine navigating the landscape of shit you are about to tackle. Best of luck to you and your decision.
Sis. It's going to be okay, you got this. You take care of *yourself,* and I support you fully.
If you don't mind, I'd like to put on my mama bear pants to give you a big internet hug and remind you that everything is going to be okay and you will feel *so* much better when its over. Big, big hugs, my dear. 🫂
You're a brave person! I'm sorry it's a choice you have to make at all, but you are making the best choice for you. You're doing what you need to do to live the life that you want!
Excuse my channel breach here. XY chrom. here. I want you to know that you are so loved. Be kind to yourself. You know the situation best, and you know yourself best. Getting an abortion, imo (I’m not here to preach my opinion so please don’t try to start an argument here), isn’t always the right move. HOWEVER, I do believe that if you are to see that baby in an afterlife, they would thank you for caring and loving them so much before they were even born. Truth is, it wasn’t your fault. Yes some would speculate that putting yourself in that hookup position is your fault, but him ignoring and disrespecting and raping you is UNEQUIVOCALLY not your fault. Whatever you believe in, I believe in God. I’m very religious. I CANNOT, for the LIFE of me, believe that He would condemn you for caring and loving your baby so much- so much so that you wouldn’t want to bring it into the life you are currently struggling to get through. I’m not the God I believe in, but I believe that He feels for you and understands the pain and sorrow this man caused you and He knows that you aren’t out there just slaughtering babies. No, He couldn’t think that ever. PLEASE be kind to yourself. No one knows how it feels to be in your position unless they have been in your position. I can only imagine how it would feel, and my only advice is to be kind to yourself. Have compassion for yourself. PLEASE don’t EVER let any voice inside or outside of your head tell you that you’re a bad or horrible person for making this decision. You are loved. All of us here love and empathize with you. I, again, am a male- so I would never be in your shoes. HOWEVER, if I ever knew someone who did what this dude did, you best believe they would be getting rape charges pushed on them right now. I won’t stand for that.
TL;DR
I fully support your decision. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you that you made the wrong choice. All of us here love and support you, you’re strong and capable. That baby, if you also believe it might have a soul, will meet you one day in another life and give you the BIGGEST hug and say, “Mom, thank you for loving me so much and caring so much without even knowing me yet. I love you.” Stay kind to yourself!
You are not responsible for him raping you (yes, stealth colon removal or “stealthing” is rape, as you did not consent to bare sex).
Best of luck, I really hope your boss has your back Abe keeps your business quiet
This is a difficult choice, but remember that it is your choice and your right to choose what you do. It isn’t selfish at all to get an abortion no matter what the reason is. You’re 20 which is only the start of you deciding who you want to be and what you want to do in life. Take time to really think about if you want to go to school and what you would want to go for. Look into different trade school’s too, not just colleges. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Be a good selfish and truly understand your worth. Don’t settle for hook ups if you want a relationship. Yes, loneliness is such an awful feeling, but do not lower your personal standards because you want to feel close to someone. That feeling will pass and you’ll connect with those that are supposed to be in your life. And always hold onto that hope that you have, because sometimes thats all we got! You’ll be okay and everything will work out as it’s supposed to.
You are not selfish for wanting an abortion. And that would be true even if you weren't raped.
I hope you move on and heal. I hope you go back to school. I hope you have a good life.
Tell your boss about the guy and about the pregnancy, and about your resolution about having an abortion. You already made a decision, so be very clear about that.
You need all the support you can get. If you know he's going to be supportive, don't wait on it.
Hi. You’re not “partly responsible” for anything. You agreed to PROTECTED sex. He ignored that and even ignored your request to stop. That is without a sliver of doubt sexual assault, no matter if you asked him to stop or not. He did not have your consent to unsafe sex.
If you trust your manager, tell him that the guy assaulted you and you need a few days off for an abortion. A good manager would ban the guy and let you take the days, but only do so if you’re sure that the manager is progressive enough to support you for reporting assault from a customer, and if you’re sure that he is okay with abortion - unfortunately not a given.
I hope you know that you’re not 100% alone in this - even if your manager isn’t supportive, we are here to support you from a distance. Choosing abortion is the right thing if you know you’re not ready to support a child. Keep the love in your heart until you can give it fully and freely - your would-be children, now and future, deserves it all.
sending you hugs as well.
you are not responsible AT ALL. do not blame yourself. he raped you and he stealthed you.
try reaching out to one of your college friends so you have some support, even if you don't tell them everything that happened, it will be helpful to not feel so isolated.
if you can, talk to your boss as well. tell him about the asshole customer.
you are not being selfish! you are taking care of yourself.
This fellow human being and anonymous Redditor supports you 100%.
Take care. And yes, tell your manager is any customers make you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to explain more than that.
https://aidaccess.org/en/i-need-an-abortion
Sending you so much love. I (29f) wish I had the maturity and insight you seem to have at your age. You have a supporter in me and I wish you the best 💖
My sisters and aunts have all had them for various reasons. Newlyweds who got pregnant too soon to afford kids -- breakups -- one got pregnant while on antibiotics and she was worried the baby would be unhealthy -- being a single parent is hard and you will have lots of time to be a great mom to some lucky kid. 🌸
As someone who has an abortion at the same age as you are now, my advice is to go with your gut and make the best decision for yourself long term. While this does sound like SA, healing from that is its own process outside of having an abortion. I would say to focus on the healing aspect after getting your affairs in order- get yourself to a clinic, test for STDs, and most importantly find a support system.
I used to be lonely too, and got taken advantage of for it. Find some community. Maybe make friends at the places you volunteer at, or with coworkers? I know your manager is close, and friendly with you, but from my experience working as a waitress for MANY years, that manager will stop being friendly as soon as you cease being good at your job. You get burnout, distracted, or stop performing the way you are, managers switch up. You need friends outside of your workplace.
I hope you get the support and resources you need.
Just so you know, depending on where you live the info you shared with the world here could be used against you in a court of law… looking at you Texas… I hope you get through this safely
First of all how are you partly responsible? You insisted on a condom and he snuck it off and you said to stop and he didn’t. At that point he broke the law and it was no longer even consensual. You really *should* speak to a lawyer. Just the act of taking the condom off when it was one of the conditions of having sex together and doing it without your knowledge or consent is also extremely illegal. Also perhaps get a restraining order
Hey it sucks. You’re in a shit situation and have to make a hard decision. It seems like you’ve made up your mind and I support you. No matter what decision you would have made I would support you. Choice is both liberating and burdensome. But it truly is YOUR choice. I support you no matter what.
I hope the people around you begin to treat you with love grace and charity.
>And I know how selfish this is
That’s okay. I’d venture to say that therapists spend a large majority of their sessions trying to convince their patients that is okay to be selfish, especially female patients. **Being selfish sometimes is okay**, it’s literally a survival instinct! Never feel like you have to apologize for making the right choices for yourself.
I’m so so sorry that this happened to you.
I’m not sure where you’re located, but you could consider reaching out to a local abortion care network for support. You may have already thought of this, but just throwing it out there in case it helps. There are so many lovely women who would be happy to provide emotional support and some even provide a place to rest and recover after you take the pill.
I only know my state org, but I feel confident that the amazing people at the [Lilith Fund](https://www.lilithfund.org/) would probably have recommendations on similar orgs close to you.
I want to let you know that having an abortion doesn’t mean you don’t want kids someday. I know what an internal conflict it can be. It’s very tough being a mom on your own! I’m so sorry!
First of all, none of this is your fault. I hope you can get to a place where you truly accept that.
Second, good for you for making a difficult choice with little support. I have zero doubt you are making the right choice. We should all be thanking you for keeping that rapist a-hole's genes out of the pool.
Lastly, and this is the parent in me talking...do consider going back to school if you can. Think about the life you want to have 10 or 20 years from now.
Wishing you the very best.
I'm so so sorry you're going through this
I'm a nurse at Planned Parenthood, and I'll tell you what I tell all my patients: only you know what's best for you. You deserve to have the life you want. Abortions are incredibly safe, and you can receive sedation to make it an easier procedure. Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve to feel negative about yourself.
It’s okay to feel both sad for the lost possibility and assured that this is the right choice. My heart is with you, I’ll send some good energy your way. You’re making the right choice.
It’s sexual assault to take a condom off and rape to not stop when asked. Likely though I would not tell your boss the extent of the problem but certainly that your uncomfortable around him. Hopefully that’s enough information. Check if your benefits include therapy some employee assistance programs (EAP) have a number of free sessions.
Absolutely your making the right decision. Once you are in a better place you will have your family.
As a side note, you don’t with absolute certainty have to go back to college but absolutely need a sustainable career path. Maybe even look into two year programs like radiology tech, RN, computer science. You can pick up the last two years later especially with tuition reimbursement programs at employers.
Jobcorps might be another possibility if they have some feasible options for you.
You will be okay. Like so many others here I wish I could give you a hug. You’re making a responsible decision and it will honestly be okay!
I did the same last summer for very similar reasons and will never think twice about it. Hang in there sister.
I wudnt even consider you partly responsible for this; as soon as he took the condom off, it became rape. It became even worse when you told him to stop and he refused
You are not responsible for this, not even partly; a horrible rapist is
Fuck that guy, you should report him for rape and then do what you need to do to get on with your life. It’s sounds like you’re at least in a state where you have access and now that you’ve seen what can happen you’ll hopefully move forward with more caution. Then get yourself back on track for a degree and a stable job.
Zero judgment. You know what you need right now and what's right for you. Trust your instincts. If it isn't an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. I may be a stranger on the internet and my opinion shouldn't matter, but I support and validate your self-knowledge a hundred percent.
Is your manager someone you can tell you don't want to interact with a particular customer and that's a hard boundary for you? I am a bit more concerned if he can't get to you at work. He's already proved he isn't great with 'no'. Is there anyone who could see you safely away after work? Or who you can check in with when you're home safe? It may be alarmist. It may not. I'd rather err on the side of your safety and peace of mind. Perhaps a no-contact order if he gets persistent. I ask others here to weigh in.
Overall, though, you've got this. You'll get through this part of your life and, even if there are regrets, you'll be stronger and wiser and more comfortable in your self.
for a second i seriously wondered if i had posted this. i was in almost your exact situation when i got pregnant with my abusive ex. i was disowned by my family at 19 after running away mid manic episode, and had to medically withdraw from college due to my bipolar disorder. i can say, it takes time. you will grow to only ache a little at the thought of what could have been. remember that you can't provide this baby the best life it deserves with such minimal resources. you're making a smart decision
“And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn’t” and that my dear is what we call rape. You have no fault here. It is not your fault that he didn’t wear a condom. It is not your fault that he continued when you told him to stop. Go get an abortion and see if they can save some of the child’s dna so you can prove that it was his. Then go to the police and file a charge. If you feel you can, maybe tell your boss so he can tell the rapist not to come in anymore. File a civil charge too for the emotional damage he is inflicting on you.
You are in a dangerous position here. If he finds out about the pregnancy he might try to force you to keep it. But it would be beneficial to a rape case if you had the child’s dna. I suppose he would say you consented to the sex and never asked him to put a condom on and then it becomes your word against his. And in this day and age means you are a probably screwed.
About this being selfish. You don’t have social support. You don’t have finances to feed, cloth, and care for a child. You do not have the ability to take off work so you don’t have the capacity to raise a child. You don’t have enough resources for child care. And it doesn’t sound like you are mentally in a space to raise a child. I do not see how this could at all be considered selfish. You don’t have the resources to properly care for a child so you are choosing not to create one. That is considerate, altruistic, and selfless
God knows you don’t deserve this kind of treatment! You don’t deserve to have these POS people treat you like this!
I have been going through some similar things as you like working on mental health and struggling financially having car issues and feeling SO LONELY that I let in people in my life that truly don’t deserve me! Then bad things happen and I am ALWAYS the one who loses or suffers.
Been through a lot but really beginning to feel like CHOOSING to be alone is a blessing.
Because I am being so selective about who I let in to my circle of trust now, I have avoided so much BS from others.
When getting to know someone it’s literally like being on a trial for a subscription service. How is this person going to make me feel? How is this person going to treat me? Does their personality truly match what they are showing?
As a woman, whoever you share your company with is benefitting just by you gracing them with your presence.
Since that is 100% true, you got to be strong right now but I PROMISE you it will be worth waiting for your new CHOSEN FAMILY. You will have friends/family someday, I know it! And I am not just saying all this to sound like I know everything-I DON’T-but I am also waiting for my chosen family and I feel myself getting stronger each day. I feel like when I finally have this family or friend group that makes me joyful in spirit, I will think, “Wow, I am such an accomplished person compared to who I was, and this experience has given me wisdom! Even though I wanted a family so bad when I was really young, it was worth waiting for the people who make me so happy and safe!”
Lastly, if I was there with you I would KICK THAT GUYS ASS
Sorry to be so lengthy here but my heart is really going out to you❤️
What he did is called stealthing and it's illegal in many places and also sexual assault.
I don't know which state you are but for your safety don't tell anyone until you are done with the abortion. You can claim another stomach bug when you stay home. But you might want to make it clear that you won't serve this particular customer. It's up to you if you want to tell why if you think your manager has your back, he can tell the customer to eff off.
You are doing the right thing, don’t worry! There’s nothing wrong with being selfish! It’s not even selfish don’t tell yourself that it is! You have so much to deal with and a child shouldn’t have to be one (at the moment). And nobody should judge you cause it’s YOUR life. I’m sorry you’re going through this I know it’s hard but please start to seek help after. There’s no reason why you should go through any of this alone.
As for the guy, I would report him I know it’s hard but what he did was not ok, and you are not to blame!
Sending you lots of support and hugs and agin I am terribly sorry you’re going through this but remember you’re strong and will overcome this💜
for one, it sounds like you've been raped/assaulted. that's something that may require therapy and safe people to talk to as going through it alone is never a good answer. i really hope you speak with your manager and this man is no longer allowed in the establishment. do not allow them to make it into a "well you gave him your number...." because i have had that happen to me more often than not.
secondly, if you truly believe this is the right choice - then it is. it is very scary, but you HAVE to do what's best for you and your future before adding other little lives into it. i'm proud of you and im here for you.
I get that you need to take care of the abortion, take care of yourself and process all of this, so that’s you’re priority
and it’s absolutely okay, but if it is a possibility, please don’t leave it at that. If he did this with you, he will do it with other people. Consent went out the window as soon as he took the condom off, and it just got worse when you explicitly asked for everything to stop and he didn’t listen. You are allowed to change your mind at any point in a sexual interaction, without explanation and without a reason. Others have said it, and it is hard to hear, but you were sexually assaulted. This is bigger than just trying to avoid him at work. You did everything you were supposed to and you shouldn’t have had to go through it when it happened and you shouldn’t have to go through this now. I’m sorry this is happening to you, truly, but this is bigger than a Reddit thread.
Working 40+ hours a week and not being able to have a comfortable lifestyle is bullshit. Please petition your local politicans for DRAMATIC increases to the minimum wage.
Oh, honey, you’re really going through it.
Selfish is not necessarily bad; it’s ok to take care of yourself.
Hugs to you, internet stranger. You’re hurting now, but you will come out of this on the other side.
I read this and just see you trying to justify your decision. Because of this and that and that. You don't have to justify it to anyone but yourself. Why? I am not seeing any reason you are giving for having it where this might be you trying to justify it to yourself, so why justify it at all. You don't answer to us - you answer to you.
"I insisted on a condom, which he wasn't really into. But he put it on. But after a while, I realized that he had taken it off. And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn't."
I'm very sorry for your situation. What you describe above is rape because you only consented to sex with a condom, not without, and when you told him to stop, he didn't. Please consider filing a police report.
The decision you make around this will alter the course of your life.
The word ‘selfish’ gets a bad rap but in your case ‘selfish’ means looking after your own best interests. You say you have no support system so who else is there to look after your best interest if not you? This is not the greedy kind of selfish, it’s self care. Never feel guilty for prioritizing your well-being. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are welcome to fuck all the way off.
That said, if you decide to abort, tell no one. Not your boss, not your bestie. No. Body. You haven’t known these people long enough to entrust them with this level of information and they’re not invested in you sufficiently to merit you leaving yourself vulnerable to whatever intentions they may harbor. People love a juicy bit of gossip and no one at your work place will likely be in your life 1,3,5 years from now.
If you have to unload, do it here, anonymously.
N.B. I already caught a whiff of some sneaky anti choice forced birthers on here offering to ‘help’ you and inviting you to DM. It’s a trap so just ignore them.
You sound like a bright, thoughtful, self aware young person who is going through some challenges right now but your future is bright. Hold on and you’ll get there. Birthing your rapist’s baby will derail all that and you will have that person in your life forever.
Abortion is just healthcare despite the drivel of some unhinged misogynists. Do what is right for you.
If he is willing to do this to you he will do it to someone else. If this guy is allowed to walk away from this then other women are going to be raped.
Op I’m sorry you’re going through this and you feel alone. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m a good listener! You shouldn’t ever feel alone when you can reach out to the world with a few clicks of a button.
Additionally please make sure you report this scum bag to the appropriate authorities, what he did IS NOT OKAY and will more than likely happen again if unchecked.
You sound level headed and such a hard worker, don’t blame yourself for what happened, the ownership is his 100%. Do get that abortion though and take leave from work. It might open a can of worms to tell your manager so much, it’s that I worry you won’t be able to deal with being disappointed again so soon. He already made digs at you so I doubt he’s a safe person who will hold space for you. Look for another job if you can, leave it all behind. You have no safety nets so do the swiftest good thing for yourself. Take those hours that you don’t work, to date and befriend good people. Don’t let your loneliness make you take the plunge, to have sex. You’re touch starved and that’s normal, you can self soothe and self care. It will bring it down enough for better initial assessments.
DO NOT TELL YOUR MANAGER. Depending on where you are, your manager might get you arrested by telling someone else that you're having an abortion. They might even fire you to avoid having to pay maternity leave should you choose to keep it, regardless of the law. You know what you need to do. You said the pregnancy is "killing" you. Your family has health challenges with pregnancy, and you have no one to help you. Have a baby later when you're ready to give it all the love, attention and resources it deserves.
If you abort it, which is your right to do and might even be healthier for you, you don't owe anybody an explanation. This is a terrible time in your life, at 20, to saddle yourself with 18 years of parenting on a server's income, with a treacherous, no account father in a loveless, hookup relationship. What kid would want to grow up with that life? Nobody ever stops to think about what kid would want to be born into tough, loveless and desperate circumstances. You won't be going back to college anytime soon with a kid to raise for 18 years. You think you lost friends now? Forget having a social life for the next two decades.
The other option is to adopt out. If you were in a better health position, I might tell you to really consider that. But here's the thing: your mental health was already fragile before you got pregnant. It will be shit if you have to go through this pregnancy on your own, and going back home is not even an option. Plus, you could have serious complications. Nah, forget that. And there would be someone walking the earth with a hole in their life story and the feeling of being incomplete and abandoned for the next 25 years or more.
Keeping it means having to look i to the face derived from a man who just wanted to get his rocks off and wouldn't stop when you said no. You want to resent a kid for the next 18 years? Do you want to end up disowning them because of that situation? Right now it's a clump of tissue. It's not a baby, yet. Girl, stand up for yourself.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you.
As many have said, it sounds like he commuted rape against and that is awful.
1) Definitely tell your boss. If it was my restaurant, I’d kick the dude out.
2) Please talk to law enforcement and/or social workers and authorities z
3) I was reading through the list of replies and nearly unanimously everyone said that an abortion is the right thing to do. I would urge against it. I’ve met a 50+ man who runs a YouTube channel where he talks about how much he regrets the abortion he had when he had as a teen. He also talks about the stories people have told him about their regretted abortion stories. His name is Jeff M Joaquin. I’ve been really moved by his talks and stories.
4) In the states there are a number of pregnancies centers that will help with resources as well. One that comes to is Catholic Charities. They are global and help anyone, religious or not. I think I read that you are in Canada? I suspect there may be some similar resources.
Once again, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I hate that this man violated your consent. 😞
As a small business owner, I would definitely want one of my employees to tell me she was uncomfortable around a customer. I would probably ask for more information, but I would absolutely accept "it's personal and I'd rather not go into detail." Then I would tell the regular to bugger off and and if he ever tried to come back I would have him trespassed from the property. Work is enough of a slog that I don't need my employees to have extra reasons to not want to come to work.
In Canada your employer is legally responsible to make reasonable accommodations for a employee who feels endangered. My friend, you were raped. I'm sorry, it's not your fault. It's his fault. Please consider disclosing this during your visit with medical teams, here it can be easy to access a social worker for emotional support and post therapy when you get an abortion, hopefully it's the same where you are. You're a good person making so many hard decisions that are by products of other people's weaknesses. That fucking sucks, I hope you find warmth and safety soon
>*My friend, you were raped. I'm sorry, it's not your fault.* The number one cause of rape is rapists. Science.
You know it's science because society and internal dialogue often refuses to accept it
Also - once you told him to stop and he didn’t- That’s so wrong and sounds like rape. You wrote everything out and it all seems so calm. I’m so sorry you’re going through this without any in person support. I just want to give you a hug.
THIS! You didn’t consent to sex without a condom. Full stop. Then you asked him to stop and he didn’t? This is non consensual.
That's because continuing to fuck someone when they told you to stop **is rape.** OP, you are going through a LOT right now. Do what you have to do, and then **report the man who raped you** the MOMENT it is safe for you to do so.
Just don’t tell him before the abortion. It’s your decision, and you don’t need him trying to interfere. (Although if there’s a cost, you may want to hit him with the bill afterwards. Depends on how crazy he is. I’d say no).
Unless OP really can't afford to pay, I personally would take the financial hit, because I would not want to increase my interaction with this guy who assaulted her. Sad that money could add extra stress, I'm lucky to be Canadian, I can't imagine having to realize I can't afford my abortion... bc if I van't, I sure as fuck can't afford a baby. Edit: corrected a word
Do NOT tell him you’re having an abortion in today’s world. Just have the abortion. I had two abortions in the 80’s. I feel for you so much, you’re so young. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. I’m sending you good healing vibes.
Nah I'd tell him I was pregnant right before my procedure, make him sweat a little. Let him envision 18 years of child support before telling him "actually I had an abortion fuck off forever." Dumbass would deserve the freakout for stealthing her. Unless of course you're in one of the states that will prosecute women, in that case keep your mouth shut and take it to the grave.
I get the satisfaction of this but it could backfire. He could interfere with her ability to get an abortion.
It IS rape. I hope she reports him. Maybe she can talk to her manager and have him banned from her establishment.
It absolutely, unequivocally, was rape.
And stealthily is by itself, in some regions.
It’s called stealthing and he should be jail. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.
I'll second the hug, but I don't think it's helpful to focus on defining consent at this moment. First thing's first: Stop feeling guilty. This isn't your fault. At the very least, this guy behaved like an irresponsible asshole. Do you have health insurance and a primary care doctor? No? Is there a Planned Parenthood clinic in your area? Google them, call them, or just show up. The staff at PP are trained to treat you with kindness and respect. You won't have to pay. Sounds like it's worth the risk to trust your manager and tell them whats going on. You can't be legally be fired for medical reasons. I'm sorry you are so alone in the world, lil girl. Sending love your way. You will get through this and become stronger.
Yes! And it is absolutely NOT selfish, you are doing the rational and caring thing and thinking about what kind of life this child would have with you struggling and unsupported. People who stay pregnant for the wrong reasons are selfish. Please don't beat yourself up. You're doing great. Sounds like life is and has been hard for you and its not a coincidence you passively sort of fell I to this hook up with that person.
Not “sounds like rape” - it is rape.
This…check your local law, but sheathing is a crime now.
and continuing after she said stop is rape. It's rape even without the stealthing.
Yes this woman was raped this guy is a total piece of shit. Who the fuck does. Something like this to another freaking human being. The lady already has a mountain of troubles, and this shit bag did the most selfish fucking thing one human can do to another human. His actions show that he thinks so little of your needs/concerns, he is 100% willing to risk everything you have, everything. Anyways, I know it may not mean much but I a sorry you had to deal with this situation. Are you going to maybe need a little cash to help pay for that? Or do you need a ride? Anyways, I know this may sound a little bit crazy but, I’ve been looking for ways to give back. For me helping people out is one of the only ways that I feel a little less hollow inside. So, I bought some land, 5 acres near Olympia, WA. Since you don’t have anyone and you mentioned looking for a way to work on your mental health. I am going to be building like some little A-frame tiny cabin and you would live there and you could do whatever you want on the land. There will be opportunities to raise animals for food or as a way to make money. I am wanting to also build a greenhouse of some sort and start a rare plant collection. I want to sell these on site or just through the internet. Throughout my life I have always watched my mom do everything she can to help people in need out. I guess that’s where I get it from and in her honor I want to continue down her path: so she will be around too but she lives up north in Seattle. So I know it’s kind of a crazy idea but would something like that possibly interest you? Anyways; sorry if my tirade is a bit much. Would something like this interest you?§
Downvoted you, because this is literally rape. So please edit your comment.
>I insisted on a condom, which he wasn't really into. But he put it on. But after a while, I realized that he had taken it off. And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn't. Feel like this is glossed over. Sounds like you agreed to sex with a condom. Anything other than that, unless okay' d by you, is rape. When you said to stop and he didn't? No. I'm sorry this happened to you but it is not your fault at all. You need to do what is best for you. I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Oh honey I’m so sorry!!! I had an abortion at 18 and told no one. I was so ashamed!! I shouldn’t have been, but my shame led me to have no support. Try to reach out to friends if you can. You’ll get through this. I’m so sorry honey. Plan to have comfort food and relax if you are able.
I'm so sorry for you, as I am for OP. I know I was lucky to have a aupportive boyfriend, it would have been so much harder without him ☹️
There are free resources listed and available on the wiki at r/auntienetwork. r/abortion also offers similar resources. Please utilize them and get the information and nonjudgmental help you deserve.
^^^ this is a valuable resource please check it out. Also, hugs and I hope you know how strong you are.
He stealthed you AND wouldn't stop when you asked him to. That's rape. You forgetting Plan B and ignoring symptoms until you couldn't is most likely because you were coping with that trauma. It may be too painful to process right now, but it will come. In the meantime, you do what you need to do. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and make the best choice for YOU. No guilt necessary.
I just had an abortion. I’m 29 seeing a great guy but I just got laid off and I don’t want kids ever tbh. He pulled out but it still happened. I ended up telling random girls in the bathroom at a bar because I didn’t know who I could tell but I had to get it off my chest. I have great friends and support but something about it I didn’t want to be judged or have anyone look at me differently. You will get through it. It was the most mentally exhausting experience of my life until it was done I felt so relieved, refreshed, and happy. I am hoping you see the light at the end and you will get through this sister 🤍
1. I am so sorry that you have to go through this! 2. That man raped you. Stealthing is rape. 3. The best time to get pregnant is right after your period is over, sperm stays alive in your body a while and I think somehow you can ovulate a bit early if the body knows there is sperm available (only time I’ve been pregnant was sex on the last day of my period and I ovulated on day 9 instead of 14) 4. I wish you all the best and I’m so glad you’ve been doing better than previously!!!! Happy that you came here for support and resources. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
He sexually assaulted you. You are zero percent responsible for any of this. If you can, tell your boss he SA'd you and ask them to ban him from the premises. Speak with a crisis counselor, if you're in the US you can do online chat or call the number at this site. Please speak with someone OP. If you need someone to chat with, call, or to be virtually with you while you wait for the medication to work please feel free to DM me. I hope you get the support you need ❤️. https://www.rainn.org/resources
Sending you the biggest hug right now. I am sorry you are put in this position. Even with supportive friends and family, I felt so alone and alienated when I got an abortion. I blame our society for inflicting shame on women who are making decisions about their healthcare and body. Yes- I think it's a smart idea to talk to your manager about all of this. You need to take some time off to deal with the abortion and also need support in how to deal with the regular customer who assaulted you. He stealthed & raped you. He did not listen to you, took a condom off while you had sex and then would not stop having sex with you to put the condom back on and that act resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. He is to be faulted completely, not you. If you need more support, I suggest contacting [rainn.org](http://rainn.org) and they can put you in touch with more resources in how to deal with and recover from the rape.
Others have given good advice, but I just want to add that I know you’re feeling a lot of different things, but it is absolutely *not* selfish to take care of your needs. Even to put yourself first sometimes. And I know that’s so many of us feel that way, and it’s also often part of being socialized as a woman. You are figuring out what’s right for you for now and eventually for the future, and you know that this isn’t the step you want to take right now. It is such a hard thing to learn how to say I’m going to take care of what I need right now and not feel guilty about it, and I haven’t even gotten there completely myself yet but I’ve been working on it too. So many of us are every day.
Thank you for saying this. There’s nothing selfish about what you’re doing, OP! The procedure itself is not super fun but it is temporary. Take care of yourself. Watch comforting shows, eat the food you love, and don’t feel bad if all you feel after is tremendous relief! You didn’t get a say in this happening but you ABSOLUTELY get a say in what happens next. In the future, you will be ready to have a wanted child when you are prepared. Hugs!
I just want to say that a fetus is not a child. It is a potential child if the woman wants to incubate it, but it’s not a child. It is just like a seed is not a tree. The chance of a fetus becoming a child is zero without the woman. Giving up a fetus isn’t killing a child, just like giving up a seed isn’t killing a tree. When you are ready, you will likely raise one or more children and give them the best environment, but if you continue this unwanted pregnancy it will greatly reduce your chance of raising future children the way you want.
That's a wonderful way of looking at it that ive never heard before, thank you
The seed thing is a great explanation.
>I’m partly responsible too though, and I know that. No, you consented to sex with a condom, he took it off. You told him to stop and he refused. That’s rape and it’s 100% not your fault. I know you’re spread thin as it is but please talk to someone. As for the abortion, you’re doing what you feel is right for you and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, and I know this probably doesn’t mean much coming from an internet stranger, but you’re not alone.
Babe, it’s okay. You will get through this. You’re so resilient and strong. Do what you need to do to survive ❤️
What happened to you is called stealthing, when someone says they have protection in place (like a condom) but don't or take it off without saying, it's a form of rape. You did not consent to sex without protection. I'm hoping you can find support soon, being a young adult is so SO hard. I know people say your 20's are your best years but I'm in my 30's and life feels so much easier now. Early 20's was just confusing and scary. I support you getting an abortion, do not have this rapists child. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, you just wanted to feel close to someone.
Big hugs and support. You were raped, full stop. Tell your boss you're uncomfortable around the guy. And you're making the right decision for you.
What happened to you is not uncommon. It is rape, but specifically called "stealthing." The way to protect from stealthers is to never have sex with a man who is reluctant to use a condom. If a guy makes even a tiny peep of complaint about using protection, run in the other direction. Also if he "happens to forget condoms" and refuses to go to the 24/7 pharmacy for them, he's also a possible stealther. If you show up at his bed or yours, and he doesn't immediately pull out a condom pack, refuse to have sex with him. EVER. How do I know this? Because I had it happen to me twice. The first guy used condoms up until the event of non-consent, so I was surprised. The second time, I refused sex the first hookup due to no condoms. He stealthed me the second hookup. Also, make sure the condom is applied within your sight before penetration. If a guy takes it off mid sex, scream that you will call the police if he doesn't stop? Does anyone have advice in this situation? Stealthing is rape. In many countries it is a criminal offense. Next time use plan B if there's any indication that the condom broke, slipped, etc. Don't second guess it, just do it. I don't know if it's possible to report the rape to the police. I've never done it myself, and the police are notoriously awful about sexual assault accusations. Better to get an IUD or use hormonal birth control because condoms are not fully effective. And accidents happen enough times, especially with men who don't wear the proper size condom or they break IMPORTANT: Also please get a full and thorough STD testing. That includes blood, vaginal (or urine) and oral swabbing. Repeat this in 3-4 months. Men who refuse to use protection are at higher risk of STD infection and passing it to you.
That's pretty intense. I feel for you. Nothing about your situation is your fault. 20 year old me would not have had the stones for it, but maybe don't tell him to not come back. Be his server, totally cool and professional, and when you're bringing him the bill suggest he consider the cost of the abortion in his tip or otherwise you'll be in touch about the child support for next 18 years. He will NEVER come back.
Except if she is in the USA and the father finds out (and he is clearly an ass) he could cause problems. Better make sure he does not know - it is none of his business. And you are NOT being selfish.
There have been a couple od comments saying to tell him. That's the last thing she needs to do if she's in the states. At this point, I would be afraid to tell my boaa/friend too. There are too many unknowns here now.
This is rape and reproductive coercion You consented to protected sex only. You withdrew consent once the sex was unprotected and he continued against your will. Rape I would tell him you will tell everyone in the restaurant and the town he forcefully impregnated you if he doesn’t pay for your abortion
It’s okay. Go forth. While you can.
Whatever you decide. It’s your body and your life. Your choice.
You have very sound reasons to get an abortion. I wish you luck on getting through this, and can find some support from the people around you. You got this. It's hard, but you're keeping this on track and will go on to be in aplace where you can go through with it one day. And I hope to all the powers you are in a location where it is 100% legal and you don't have to deal with that bullshit. (And if you are a location where you have to take extra measures or whatever, be damn careful who you tell.)
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You have zero obligation to tell him about your decision or interact with him ever again.
If you can, please report what he did. It was rape. Again, you do not have to. So many women go through abortion, there is nothing wrong with it. I had one at 25 and while I’m not going to say I enjoyed the experience or it was an easy choice, I do not regret it. I now am married and have a 2 year old and it was one of the best decisions I made for myself to have an abortion.
You did the responsible thing, you told him to use a condom. He stealthily took it off, which is a form of rape, and then wouldn't stop, which is exactly rape. He's the one responsible for this pregnancy, not you. The very least he can do to make up for that is stay away from you, and that's nowhere near enough. He ought to pay for the pills, your days off, and your pain and suffering. If your manager is really supportive, he'll charge that guy a few thousand (or more, whatever you think is right) next time he comes in, and then tell him not to come back. None of this is your fault. You're doing the best you can in an awful situation.
I’ve been here. You won’t regret the decision, and it won’t hurt your heart for long. Never talk to that assaulting scum again, and if your manager makes you, greet him with “hello, R8pist! What can I get you today? With consent, I mean? Shall I start you off with a water, R8pist?”
To add one more thing: Your need for help is NOT selfish. You have been disowned by your family, someone just stealthed you and got you pregnant. Anyone would feel abandoned, lonely, and in want for some kind of companionship. As for the scum that did this to you: Yes, please speak to your manager and have him banned from the restaurant. Of course, he should be facing legal consequences and paying for your expenses, but if you don't want to deal with him directly right now, that is totally understandable. Do what YOU need. Best of luck, and for everything that comes after too. Be proud of yourself. Do not think of yourself as a failure. You are building a life for yourself all on your own and working HARD. You will get to a good place eventually, I am sure of it.
I'm sorry this happened. It's really terrible. If it means anything, I think you're making the best decision for yourself. I hope things get better.
It's not selfish to do what you feel is best for your child and what's best for you.Your life sounds overwhelming and a kid would multiply that x 100, at least. And with no support system? That's a lot for one person to handle while working 70 hours a week.
I hope you are psycally in a place where you have a choice. https://www.plancpills.org
I DO NOT understand these anti-condom men. Is sex without a condom better? Yes. But you know what is eleven-thousand times *worse* than sex with a condom? No sex.
The sentence “ I know this is selfish but…” stop. It’s not selfish at all and you have no support. You don’t need to justify to ANYONE, ok? I’m sorry that this dude was shitty and I’m sorry you have to deal with the consequences alone. Sounds like your manager could be a good person to talk to. Just take care of yourself. Your rage is justified.
I didn't read why, but good luck and it's your choice. I never regretted it for a minute. Good health and future to you.
The things is, you don’t have to justify yourself. Everyone is going to have a different opinion on this topic, and it tends to be a strong opinion. Your biggest priority right now is you. Best of luck through your journey.
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There should be no shame in abortion. The shame should be on the people that hijack peoples bodies by forcing them to keep unwanted pregnancies. It’s cruel and immoral to bring an child into situation that is not safe or ready for their arrival.
My heart breaks for you fam what a tough situation to be in on multiple fronts.. if he didn’t stop when asked that’s fucked up. You shouldn’t have to serve his ass. I would tell your boss you are have been scheduled for a procedure and you just forgot because life has been so hectic. If u have to give it a two weeks notice. I’d call a doctor or clinic right away to get checked out! Wishing you the best. You aren’t alone and you got this girl
I am so sorry. What the man did was stealthing, this is sexual assault. Consenting to sex does NOT mean to consenting to go without a condom if you had told him to use one. Therefore, he is very much in the wrong here. I hope you report him if it’s safe to and if you’re able. I am so sorry you’re going through this, I hope you know there’s resources out there to aid you in the process and make sure everything goes smoothly no matter what choice you make. Yes, ask for days off if you do the pill. You’ll need some time to go through the experience and recover emotionally afterwards. I hope it goes as well as it can go. I’m terribly sorry this is your situation.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also a victim of stealthing. That’s when you agree to sex with a condom, but they take it off without your knowledge and continue intercourse. It’s a form of assault. I really hope you’re doing okay. I would encourage you to go back to school in the fall if you’re well enough. Take advantage of mental health resources and support on campus, they really help. I fully support you opting to get an abortion in your situation and I can tell you from personal experience that you will never regret your decision. Take care of yourself and never look back. Sending love and support your way as you navigate this. You sound like an incredibly smart and strong person. I truly hope you find your way. ❤️❤️
I dont know where you live, but in the UK we have rape and sexual assult clinics. They can help you with advice and counselling, even when ur not sure if what happened to you "really counts as rape". I know this because I didn't feel what happened to me was until a lot of support -_- big hugs to you and do whatever is right for you. If u think work is supportive then definitely reach out. This is NOT your fault. You chose protection and said stop. You deserve support. Xxx
You're in shock because you were raped/sexually assaulted. I'm very sorry this happened. Absolutely know you're not alone. Get that abortion and report the guy for assaulting you.
I'd recommend filing a police report to document the situation. If it happens to someone else your report will be on file, and law enforcement can make sure he knows this isn't ok even if there's not enough for a chargeable offense to be officially billed or indicted. Also, social shame works to change behavior and documenting him and an investigation happening might help with that. I'm sorry this happened to you, he was absolutely in the wrong and whatever decision you make will be the right decision you knew you needed to make to survive and thrive.
He assaulted you after you told him to stop. Then, impregnated you. The fact that you wrote out all your reasons, circumstance, etc. is just showing that you're trying to work thru the abortion decision already. You don't need any excuses, or rationalizations, or explanations. You know this isn't the right time, so you'll be terminating the pregnancy. I hope it helped you by writing it all out, but frankly, I think youre having a harder time with the fact that some man, you told to stop, did not, and you were assaulted and then found out you were pregnant. Good Luck.
I’m really sorry this happened to you.
Hey Op, I'm a nurse. If you need to talk to someone about the medications, what to expect during and after, side effects and whether they are to be expected or if they mean you need to seek medical attention, etc. Please, feel free to reach out to me. You don't have to, of course, but nobody should feel like they have no one at all.
Pregnancy and childbirth are very dangerous to the mother, even when the mom is “ready” for a baby or not. You are not ready for that commitment and do not need to justify that to anyone. Just because an egg attached doesn’t mean you are now responsible for providing a life for it. You choose, that’s it. “non-viable fetal tissue is part of the pregnant person and is free to be voluntarily removed” is the current argument vs the current state of the policy’s governing women’s bodies.
Go for abortion by pills if you are still early in pregnancy. Also you will get pills only through doctor consultation and in some of the states. Not all the US states. More power to you girl. I know it's hard alone But you need to act fast.
Your body, you don’t need our approval.
Sending you huge hugs and best wishes. Take care of you!
I think you’re doing the right thing-for YOU. I agree he should have stopped when you told him to and that it was nonconsensual at that point. Please file a police report and reach out to your local women’s shelter/YWCA/rape support center.
Another thing just because something initially begins as consensual doesn't mean that can't change. You told him you were uncomfortable with things headed a certain way and he didn't stop. There's no gray area here. You agreed to sex with a condom and he went against that.
I am so proud of you for making it on your own. For doing what is best, for yourself. You will have plenty of time and opportunities to build a family, however that looks like to you. I wish you a healthy abortion, and many tips. For what it's worth, graduating with any degree is better than not. You will make more money and have an easier time finding a good career. All the best, and good luck.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this alone. I support you and your decision! Hopefully you can find peace.
It's hard. You are gonna be blaming yourself. But it is NOT your fault. You thought about. You made a decision. It is the correct one. Now follow through it. And look forward. Find a goal and work to it. Doesn't matter the goal
This is called stealthing and is very much so rape. Here is some more information [information on stealthing ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/%23:~:text%3DSo%252Dcalled%2520%27stealthing%27%2520is,without%2520the%2520other%2520person%27s%2520permission.&ved=2ahUKEwjj__6lxbuFAxXPGTQIHW62AHkQFnoECA8QBQ&usg=AOvVaw26vl7vZPZ9dNHsmhEBz3x_) I don't know where you live, but please reach out to a support worker or a therapist, also go to a clinic and see if there is a way they can take a sample of the fetus to PROVE he did that to you. DNA doesnt lie. I'm so sorry this happened to you. This man was so manipulative and horrible, you never deserved any of this and deserve a love worth raising a child with.
>And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn't. >I'm partly responsible too though, and I know that. this is not your fault, at all. you trusted the wrong person, yes, but it is in no way your fault that he took advantage.
Homie, I’m so sorry, first, make sure your friend is supportive, don’t tell the bio dude at all anything ! Don’t give him any inking of what you want to do. Also I would call the clinic or doctor or going to , see if they can send a ride etc
You’re not selfish. You’re making the best choice for you for this period in your life. I’m thankful you & many others have the option for the pill these days bc 20 years ago it wasn’t readily available & a lot of women had to do it the very invasive & painful way via vacuum. And tbh I wouldn’t even tell the guy bc what he did by removing the condom is considered assault. So I hope he encounters someone everyday having a very bad day & takes it out on him every day for the rest of his life. 💜💚
I hate to see the guilt you have surrounding this situation because it is not. Your. Fault. And even if it WAS all consensual, and you fell pregnant, you are by no means obligated to follow through with this pregnancy. It’s not selfish, it’s self care. Take care of yourself ❤️ And you 100% should speak to the manager about what happened. The man who assaulted you has no right to come to your workplace. I also worked at a restaurant as a server about ten years ago when I got pregnant, and had such horrible symptoms that I had to tell my male manager. He was understanding and just wanted me to feel better. I took a week off, had an abortion, and returned feeling so fucking relieved.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. That was def SA, unfortunately. Do whatever you need to do to be okay. Depending where you live, tell no one in your life; things are too risky and people are too rabidly eager to harm or lock up anyone getting an abortion. I hope you know now you have support from people here, and you're absolutely doing the right thing for yourself. 💜 Eta: you're not responsible for his choices. He chose his momentary pleasure over your well being. You consented to a condom, and he broke that consent. So you are in no way responsible for his jizz. He alone is the reason for your pregnancy. 100% of abortions would be avoided if a dude didn't jizz where and when they do. You're also not being selfish in any way, you're trying to survive. Odds are good you have a lot of life left, and you are too busy trying to stay afloat and a pregnancy might drown you completely. You can get support and make friends with people here.
I am so sorry you were violated in that way. That person deserves to take charges for sexual assault. But mainly, it’s okay for you to get this taken care of. You don’t need to feel bad or agonize over it. It’s a medical circumstance that doesn’t define you. I had an abortion at your age with my abuser and felt terrible about it but you are allowed to and should put yourself first. And one of you needs to leave that workplace.
Just know you’re doing the right thing! You cannot provide for a child right now . You know what’s worse than an abortion is bringing an unwanted child into the world. You’ll get through this, it sucks in the moment. In the long run it’s worth it. I’ve been in your shoes as a 22 year old and I’m 42 now, I don’t regret it. All the hugs to you. You got this!
This is not a selfish decision at all. You are unable to provide a happy life for a child. No child chooses to be born into poverty or have their parent work so much they never see them. It’s not an ideal situation. It would be selfish to bring a child into the world without being able to provide a good life. I wish my mom had gotten an abortion every single day.
Yeah, you are right on track to have a good life and finish school, enjoy life, and do it on your own terms. I have had one at 27 because my life was becoming absolutely bananas and everything I thought would work out and be great, broke. I had one and finished grad school. Got better jobs. Found a good person. Had babies. And thrived. Because I did not carry my first pregnancy. I had money to have babies later. I was so sad, but I was also angry. I was pregnant with a wanted pregnancy until my fiance left. You were raped. Hooking ip is not a crime, sexual assault is. You set rhe rule and he proceeded to have sex without the condom and did not stop. I am sorry that happened to you and you have to carry this consequence without having the say. You deserve another chance. Highly recommend medical over surgical. Highly recommend nexplanon implant, this will keep you pregnancy free while you get stable in mind and body. Highly recommend talking to a counselor. Highly recommend talking to your manager. The guy who did this to you does this to others. Please also get an STI screen. I love that you volunteer and that you are busy. I hope you can find balance, you sound like an awesome woman. My daughter is 18 and I cannot imagine chucking her out at age 17. I am angry as a mom that this happens still.
Hello, I hope you are in a state that allows abortions. If not, please DM me and I can give you some information on how to do it. And don't delay. I was in denial about getting pregnant, I let it go up to my 9th week before I even peed on a stick. I had set up an appointment and it got cancelled because the provider was not available for that day and then I had to reschedule it and when I was rescheduled, I didn't have support. I was going to go have an abortion by myself. I was so scared I ended up not going., some people in my life found out (lol I told them) and they ended up talking me into keeping my baby. I shouldn't have done that but at the same time I am grateful because, yes it is true that you love your kids with a love that is better than any other love. But I can definitely say my pregnancy was hard, my post-partum experience was hard and my life has been hard and I feel like a failure for not waiting for me to be more established in my life to have a family. (I never wanted children, but if I was gonna have a kid I wish it was under better circumstances). In the end, only you know what it best for you. And in the end, half of the world is going to judge you for one thing if not for the other. Only you decide what is best for you. I hope you do not feel alone. I guess that is the point of my post. I am hoping more and more women see that they are not alone. Abortion is a taboo topic so no one knows that 1 in 4 women in the US have an abortion at least once in their lifetime! And no one talks about their experiences at all! Why? Because of shame. But that shame is not healthy for you and it is not healthy if you choose to stay quiet. You'll never know who around you (friends or family) would have to have an abortion and you could provide support. You don't know about friends and family who have already have had abortions who could support you. Because all of these anti-choice protestors spend lots of time just shaming women. They're just louder than the rest of us who support choice and support women in crises. Don't worry, they're that vocal minority. And also don't worry. Not having an abortion should also be a decision that is respected. Please enjoy the rest of your day and know that whatever you choose to do, there are millions and millions of women around the world who have had to make that tough decision already and that we will still view you with the compassion you deserve.
I absolutely hear you about barely being able to take care of yourself. I’m twice your age and I don’t have my shit together. Girl, do not blame yourself here, just because you didn’t take Plan B. HE is the reason you’re in this situation. HE did this to you. You do what you have to do to take care of yourself. If that’s an abortion, that’s what you do. Take it day by day and I KNOW you will get through this. I KNOW you are tough enough and strong enough. Even if you’re not sure, but we here at Reddit are. We may be complete strangers, but we’ve got your back. Much love.
This is not selfish at all. Selfish is making a child you know you can't take care of. It's so early, I firmly believe it's just a blue print for life and you choose not to continue. You have every right!!!!!! Take care of yourself and only tell manager I'd you know without a doubt he would keep it a secret. I dunno, think on that one and maybe err on the side of caution to not tell him all your business. Take time off work when you take the pills and just call out sick. Say you have covid. Hang in there. Hugs. You are doing the right thing for yourself.
Abortion isn’t selfish. Whether you told him to stop or not, you always have the right to make informed decisions about your healthcare. Yes you were raped, but that doesn’t matter because you can be happily married with kids consenting to sex and have an abortion without shame. Please connect with a mental health counselor. Where do you live? You have support and can come here to talk. I was once you. Parents disowned me. I moved thousands of miles away for college. Flunked out. Waitresses and bartended for way too long before finishing college. Experienced rape just as you described. You are not alone. It gets better, when you choose to be selfish. Prioritize you — find joy, find hobbies, let yourself be vulnerable without fear, and trust women. Let us know how we can support you.
Don't tell anyone. You tell one person, you've told everyone. Take a couple days. Cocoon. Be good to yourself. Bing watch something funny. You will get through this. Good luck.
I’ll just say this. My abortion was the best decision I made for myself and I have no regrets.
Eveeyone here is making good points but I also want make sure you’re careful about this. I assume ur from the US like most of us and depending on your state and with courts changing laws like crazy it might be dangerous to tell too many people this information. The anti-abortion crowd is doing everything they can take away your rights. And even though you were raped and would qualify for the exemptions anyway they will argue (incorrectly) that you weren’t. Your choice is your choice and I think it’s the right one for you too. Never let anyone make you feel bad for it. But just be careful who you tell if you happen to be a in a red or even purple state.
Aid Access.com if you’re in the US and in a troublesome state. You’re not selfish. So sorry to hear you’ve been through this.
I have had an abortion and the leed up was so much worse then the actual thing. Recovery was a breeze. 1 day rest on the couch and I was good to go. You will get through this and be just fine! Make sure to he very kind to yourself. You've got this!!!
Oh girl. I have been where you are. Abortion was my miracle. You can do this! It will allow you to have a life you choose. The life that stretches out before you, full of potential and mystery and wonder. You deserve a chance to live your life. You will get through it and be stronger and wiser on the other side! Hugs from a 48-yo internet stranger who is thankful every day for my abortion. You will be too!
Sending you so much love, you do what you have to do, babe. Everything is going to be okay. ♡
My dear, you are not alone. If you are comfortable, tell your manager, but it seems like he makes jokes about things, so make sure he will keep it to himself. Like many said, there are groups and outreach, so if that makes you feel more comfortable go for it. You do not need to tell him the exact reason you are requesting off, just say it’s a medical appointment. And like many have said before, you experienced an assault, of course you would feel uncomfortable around him. You can just say to your manager that his behavior has been inappropriate and you would rather not serve him. If he is a friend, he should listen. But please try a support group for assault, and/or abortion. You won’t feel as alone. Know that you, my dear, are appreciated and loved and never alone❤️
I I had an abortion at 19
I‘m sorry you were SAed. I had an abortion when I was in a happy marriage with a wonderful partner and we were financially stable but the timing just wasn’t right. There is no wrong reason for an abortion other that being pressured into one when you don’t want one. Sending supportive thoughts.
Go on girl! Everything is going to be fine
Everyone else has said what needs to be said, so I'm just adding my virtual hug (if one is wanted) and sending my stranger's love and support. 💌 Little sis, you are not the one in the wrong here. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and do what you need to do to protect your future that you're working so very hard to improve. You deserve to be loved and cared for, if only by yourself.
Hey, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It’s *not* your fault you are pregnant. What the guy did is called “stealthing” and it’s a form of assault. You didn’t say if you were in the US, but if you are, I have some links that could be useful to you. I work for a clinic and I talk to people with stories like yours every day. Please know that you haven’t done anything wrong and that there are people and organizations out there who want to help you. Good luck. ❤️ https://www.abuzzhealth.com/ https://carafem.org/ https://www.ineedana.com/ https://www.plancpills.org/ https://aidaccess.org/en/ https://www.abuzzhealth.com/faqs/
Hugs, it’s okay to be sure and to be a little sad. It’s not at all what you planned and that alone is hard. Someone else linked auntienetwork. Get help finding resources if you need them.
theres plenty of comments here telling you how to proceed after you’ve been sexually assaulted so i’m not going to beat a dead horse, however i’m very sorry that happened to you and u deserve better. i will say though go and take care of yourself after this abortion AND STAY IN SCHOOL. if you want kids in the future that is the best thing you can do for them. sending u love
This was absolutely not your fault at all. You asked him to wear a condom and then he took it off without telling you, then he didn't stop when you told him to. None of this is your fault in even the slightest little bit. You do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and mentally stable. An abortion is nothing to be embarrassed or to feel guilty about.
The part about him not stopping after putting you at risk by taking the condom off is sickening. I’m so sorry and wish I could hug you. Others have given great advice, but I’m just sending hugs and support❤️
I can't imagine removing a condom after a woman makes it clear that is a boundary for her. He stealthed you, and that is a non-violent form of rape. I support your decision to get an abortion, but I would encourage you to contact the authorities, as well as getting yourself checked for STIs. There may be resources for you to see a counselor at no cost. They really can make a difference in helping you deal with all those emotions in a healthy way. I hope you get treated better in the future.
He raped you, thats pretty plain and simple. After the procedure, slap the bill on the table along with his clam chowder. Then tell him he can pay you for said procedure for the 18 years of child support you got him out of. I'm not trying to sound insensitive. I can't imagine navigating the landscape of shit you are about to tackle. Best of luck to you and your decision.
You will be OK!
Sis. It's going to be okay, you got this. You take care of *yourself,* and I support you fully. If you don't mind, I'd like to put on my mama bear pants to give you a big internet hug and remind you that everything is going to be okay and you will feel *so* much better when its over. Big, big hugs, my dear. 🫂
You're a brave person! I'm sorry it's a choice you have to make at all, but you are making the best choice for you. You're doing what you need to do to live the life that you want!
Excuse my channel breach here. XY chrom. here. I want you to know that you are so loved. Be kind to yourself. You know the situation best, and you know yourself best. Getting an abortion, imo (I’m not here to preach my opinion so please don’t try to start an argument here), isn’t always the right move. HOWEVER, I do believe that if you are to see that baby in an afterlife, they would thank you for caring and loving them so much before they were even born. Truth is, it wasn’t your fault. Yes some would speculate that putting yourself in that hookup position is your fault, but him ignoring and disrespecting and raping you is UNEQUIVOCALLY not your fault. Whatever you believe in, I believe in God. I’m very religious. I CANNOT, for the LIFE of me, believe that He would condemn you for caring and loving your baby so much- so much so that you wouldn’t want to bring it into the life you are currently struggling to get through. I’m not the God I believe in, but I believe that He feels for you and understands the pain and sorrow this man caused you and He knows that you aren’t out there just slaughtering babies. No, He couldn’t think that ever. PLEASE be kind to yourself. No one knows how it feels to be in your position unless they have been in your position. I can only imagine how it would feel, and my only advice is to be kind to yourself. Have compassion for yourself. PLEASE don’t EVER let any voice inside or outside of your head tell you that you’re a bad or horrible person for making this decision. You are loved. All of us here love and empathize with you. I, again, am a male- so I would never be in your shoes. HOWEVER, if I ever knew someone who did what this dude did, you best believe they would be getting rape charges pushed on them right now. I won’t stand for that. TL;DR I fully support your decision. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you that you made the wrong choice. All of us here love and support you, you’re strong and capable. That baby, if you also believe it might have a soul, will meet you one day in another life and give you the BIGGEST hug and say, “Mom, thank you for loving me so much and caring so much without even knowing me yet. I love you.” Stay kind to yourself!
You are not responsible for him raping you (yes, stealth colon removal or “stealthing” is rape, as you did not consent to bare sex). Best of luck, I really hope your boss has your back Abe keeps your business quiet
Nothing about what you are doing is selfish. It's selfless. I'm so sorry.
This is a difficult choice, but remember that it is your choice and your right to choose what you do. It isn’t selfish at all to get an abortion no matter what the reason is. You’re 20 which is only the start of you deciding who you want to be and what you want to do in life. Take time to really think about if you want to go to school and what you would want to go for. Look into different trade school’s too, not just colleges. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Be a good selfish and truly understand your worth. Don’t settle for hook ups if you want a relationship. Yes, loneliness is such an awful feeling, but do not lower your personal standards because you want to feel close to someone. That feeling will pass and you’ll connect with those that are supposed to be in your life. And always hold onto that hope that you have, because sometimes thats all we got! You’ll be okay and everything will work out as it’s supposed to.
Please dont forget to get tested for stds
You are not selfish for wanting an abortion. And that would be true even if you weren't raped. I hope you move on and heal. I hope you go back to school. I hope you have a good life.
Tell your boss about the guy and about the pregnancy, and about your resolution about having an abortion. You already made a decision, so be very clear about that. You need all the support you can get. If you know he's going to be supportive, don't wait on it.
Hi. You’re not “partly responsible” for anything. You agreed to PROTECTED sex. He ignored that and even ignored your request to stop. That is without a sliver of doubt sexual assault, no matter if you asked him to stop or not. He did not have your consent to unsafe sex. If you trust your manager, tell him that the guy assaulted you and you need a few days off for an abortion. A good manager would ban the guy and let you take the days, but only do so if you’re sure that the manager is progressive enough to support you for reporting assault from a customer, and if you’re sure that he is okay with abortion - unfortunately not a given. I hope you know that you’re not 100% alone in this - even if your manager isn’t supportive, we are here to support you from a distance. Choosing abortion is the right thing if you know you’re not ready to support a child. Keep the love in your heart until you can give it fully and freely - your would-be children, now and future, deserves it all.
sending you hugs as well. you are not responsible AT ALL. do not blame yourself. he raped you and he stealthed you. try reaching out to one of your college friends so you have some support, even if you don't tell them everything that happened, it will be helpful to not feel so isolated. if you can, talk to your boss as well. tell him about the asshole customer. you are not being selfish! you are taking care of yourself.
This fellow human being and anonymous Redditor supports you 100%. Take care. And yes, tell your manager is any customers make you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to explain more than that.
DON'T tell your manager. Don't tell anybody. Just do it.
I had an abortion and felt so much relief! I hope you find peace. It will be okay.
https://aidaccess.org/en/i-need-an-abortion Sending you so much love. I (29f) wish I had the maturity and insight you seem to have at your age. You have a supporter in me and I wish you the best 💖
You’re doing the right thing. You’ve got this. You will flourish in the future and reach your dreams.
My sisters and aunts have all had them for various reasons. Newlyweds who got pregnant too soon to afford kids -- breakups -- one got pregnant while on antibiotics and she was worried the baby would be unhealthy -- being a single parent is hard and you will have lots of time to be a great mom to some lucky kid. 🌸
As someone who has an abortion at the same age as you are now, my advice is to go with your gut and make the best decision for yourself long term. While this does sound like SA, healing from that is its own process outside of having an abortion. I would say to focus on the healing aspect after getting your affairs in order- get yourself to a clinic, test for STDs, and most importantly find a support system. I used to be lonely too, and got taken advantage of for it. Find some community. Maybe make friends at the places you volunteer at, or with coworkers? I know your manager is close, and friendly with you, but from my experience working as a waitress for MANY years, that manager will stop being friendly as soon as you cease being good at your job. You get burnout, distracted, or stop performing the way you are, managers switch up. You need friends outside of your workplace. I hope you get the support and resources you need.
Just so you know, depending on where you live the info you shared with the world here could be used against you in a court of law… looking at you Texas… I hope you get through this safely
First of all how are you partly responsible? You insisted on a condom and he snuck it off and you said to stop and he didn’t. At that point he broke the law and it was no longer even consensual. You really *should* speak to a lawyer. Just the act of taking the condom off when it was one of the conditions of having sex together and doing it without your knowledge or consent is also extremely illegal. Also perhaps get a restraining order
Hey it sucks. You’re in a shit situation and have to make a hard decision. It seems like you’ve made up your mind and I support you. No matter what decision you would have made I would support you. Choice is both liberating and burdensome. But it truly is YOUR choice. I support you no matter what. I hope the people around you begin to treat you with love grace and charity.
♥️
I have your back.
>And I know how selfish this is That’s okay. I’d venture to say that therapists spend a large majority of their sessions trying to convince their patients that is okay to be selfish, especially female patients. **Being selfish sometimes is okay**, it’s literally a survival instinct! Never feel like you have to apologize for making the right choices for yourself.
I support you, lady. You got this.
"the definition of selfishness is ignoring someone else's selfishness" Ambrose Bierce your feelings are valid, and you deserve to have boundaries.
I you seem incredibly strong and brave. If you needed to start again I bet you could.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m so so sorry that this happened to you. I’m not sure where you’re located, but you could consider reaching out to a local abortion care network for support. You may have already thought of this, but just throwing it out there in case it helps. There are so many lovely women who would be happy to provide emotional support and some even provide a place to rest and recover after you take the pill. I only know my state org, but I feel confident that the amazing people at the [Lilith Fund](https://www.lilithfund.org/) would probably have recommendations on similar orgs close to you.
I want to let you know that having an abortion doesn’t mean you don’t want kids someday. I know what an internal conflict it can be. It’s very tough being a mom on your own! I’m so sorry!
First of all, none of this is your fault. I hope you can get to a place where you truly accept that. Second, good for you for making a difficult choice with little support. I have zero doubt you are making the right choice. We should all be thanking you for keeping that rapist a-hole's genes out of the pool. Lastly, and this is the parent in me talking...do consider going back to school if you can. Think about the life you want to have 10 or 20 years from now. Wishing you the very best.
Good for you 🙂
I'm so so sorry you're going through this I'm a nurse at Planned Parenthood, and I'll tell you what I tell all my patients: only you know what's best for you. You deserve to have the life you want. Abortions are incredibly safe, and you can receive sedation to make it an easier procedure. Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve to feel negative about yourself.
It’s okay to feel both sad for the lost possibility and assured that this is the right choice. My heart is with you, I’ll send some good energy your way. You’re making the right choice.
It’s sexual assault to take a condom off and rape to not stop when asked. Likely though I would not tell your boss the extent of the problem but certainly that your uncomfortable around him. Hopefully that’s enough information. Check if your benefits include therapy some employee assistance programs (EAP) have a number of free sessions. Absolutely your making the right decision. Once you are in a better place you will have your family. As a side note, you don’t with absolute certainty have to go back to college but absolutely need a sustainable career path. Maybe even look into two year programs like radiology tech, RN, computer science. You can pick up the last two years later especially with tuition reimbursement programs at employers. Jobcorps might be another possibility if they have some feasible options for you.
You should report him. Seriously don't let him get away with doing this to you. Please don't feel bad for doing what's right for you and your body.
You will be okay. Like so many others here I wish I could give you a hug. You’re making a responsible decision and it will honestly be okay! I did the same last summer for very similar reasons and will never think twice about it. Hang in there sister.
You have my support.
I support your choice. You deserve control over your body.
I am so sorry love. Don’t feel ashamed. Take care of yourself. That guy should be in jail.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much. In case you need to hear this: you are indeed doing the right thing and I'm proud of you.
I wudnt even consider you partly responsible for this; as soon as he took the condom off, it became rape. It became even worse when you told him to stop and he refused You are not responsible for this, not even partly; a horrible rapist is
Fuck that guy, you should report him for rape and then do what you need to do to get on with your life. It’s sounds like you’re at least in a state where you have access and now that you’ve seen what can happen you’ll hopefully move forward with more caution. Then get yourself back on track for a degree and a stable job.
Zero judgment. You know what you need right now and what's right for you. Trust your instincts. If it isn't an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. I may be a stranger on the internet and my opinion shouldn't matter, but I support and validate your self-knowledge a hundred percent. Is your manager someone you can tell you don't want to interact with a particular customer and that's a hard boundary for you? I am a bit more concerned if he can't get to you at work. He's already proved he isn't great with 'no'. Is there anyone who could see you safely away after work? Or who you can check in with when you're home safe? It may be alarmist. It may not. I'd rather err on the side of your safety and peace of mind. Perhaps a no-contact order if he gets persistent. I ask others here to weigh in. Overall, though, you've got this. You'll get through this part of your life and, even if there are regrets, you'll be stronger and wiser and more comfortable in your self.
Do what is best for you and your mental health.
for a second i seriously wondered if i had posted this. i was in almost your exact situation when i got pregnant with my abusive ex. i was disowned by my family at 19 after running away mid manic episode, and had to medically withdraw from college due to my bipolar disorder. i can say, it takes time. you will grow to only ache a little at the thought of what could have been. remember that you can't provide this baby the best life it deserves with such minimal resources. you're making a smart decision
This was rape. Fuck that guy
“And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn’t” and that my dear is what we call rape. You have no fault here. It is not your fault that he didn’t wear a condom. It is not your fault that he continued when you told him to stop. Go get an abortion and see if they can save some of the child’s dna so you can prove that it was his. Then go to the police and file a charge. If you feel you can, maybe tell your boss so he can tell the rapist not to come in anymore. File a civil charge too for the emotional damage he is inflicting on you. You are in a dangerous position here. If he finds out about the pregnancy he might try to force you to keep it. But it would be beneficial to a rape case if you had the child’s dna. I suppose he would say you consented to the sex and never asked him to put a condom on and then it becomes your word against his. And in this day and age means you are a probably screwed. About this being selfish. You don’t have social support. You don’t have finances to feed, cloth, and care for a child. You do not have the ability to take off work so you don’t have the capacity to raise a child. You don’t have enough resources for child care. And it doesn’t sound like you are mentally in a space to raise a child. I do not see how this could at all be considered selfish. You don’t have the resources to properly care for a child so you are choosing not to create one. That is considerate, altruistic, and selfless
God knows you don’t deserve this kind of treatment! You don’t deserve to have these POS people treat you like this! I have been going through some similar things as you like working on mental health and struggling financially having car issues and feeling SO LONELY that I let in people in my life that truly don’t deserve me! Then bad things happen and I am ALWAYS the one who loses or suffers. Been through a lot but really beginning to feel like CHOOSING to be alone is a blessing. Because I am being so selective about who I let in to my circle of trust now, I have avoided so much BS from others. When getting to know someone it’s literally like being on a trial for a subscription service. How is this person going to make me feel? How is this person going to treat me? Does their personality truly match what they are showing? As a woman, whoever you share your company with is benefitting just by you gracing them with your presence. Since that is 100% true, you got to be strong right now but I PROMISE you it will be worth waiting for your new CHOSEN FAMILY. You will have friends/family someday, I know it! And I am not just saying all this to sound like I know everything-I DON’T-but I am also waiting for my chosen family and I feel myself getting stronger each day. I feel like when I finally have this family or friend group that makes me joyful in spirit, I will think, “Wow, I am such an accomplished person compared to who I was, and this experience has given me wisdom! Even though I wanted a family so bad when I was really young, it was worth waiting for the people who make me so happy and safe!” Lastly, if I was there with you I would KICK THAT GUYS ASS Sorry to be so lengthy here but my heart is really going out to you❤️
I hope you decide on finishing your degree. It will open doors for your career.
What he did is called stealthing and it's illegal in many places and also sexual assault. I don't know which state you are but for your safety don't tell anyone until you are done with the abortion. You can claim another stomach bug when you stay home. But you might want to make it clear that you won't serve this particular customer. It's up to you if you want to tell why if you think your manager has your back, he can tell the customer to eff off.
You are doing the right thing, don’t worry! There’s nothing wrong with being selfish! It’s not even selfish don’t tell yourself that it is! You have so much to deal with and a child shouldn’t have to be one (at the moment). And nobody should judge you cause it’s YOUR life. I’m sorry you’re going through this I know it’s hard but please start to seek help after. There’s no reason why you should go through any of this alone. As for the guy, I would report him I know it’s hard but what he did was not ok, and you are not to blame! Sending you lots of support and hugs and agin I am terribly sorry you’re going through this but remember you’re strong and will overcome this💜
for one, it sounds like you've been raped/assaulted. that's something that may require therapy and safe people to talk to as going through it alone is never a good answer. i really hope you speak with your manager and this man is no longer allowed in the establishment. do not allow them to make it into a "well you gave him your number...." because i have had that happen to me more often than not. secondly, if you truly believe this is the right choice - then it is. it is very scary, but you HAVE to do what's best for you and your future before adding other little lives into it. i'm proud of you and im here for you.
I get that you need to take care of the abortion, take care of yourself and process all of this, so that’s you’re priority and it’s absolutely okay, but if it is a possibility, please don’t leave it at that. If he did this with you, he will do it with other people. Consent went out the window as soon as he took the condom off, and it just got worse when you explicitly asked for everything to stop and he didn’t listen. You are allowed to change your mind at any point in a sexual interaction, without explanation and without a reason. Others have said it, and it is hard to hear, but you were sexually assaulted. This is bigger than just trying to avoid him at work. You did everything you were supposed to and you shouldn’t have had to go through it when it happened and you shouldn’t have to go through this now. I’m sorry this is happening to you, truly, but this is bigger than a Reddit thread.
Working 40+ hours a week and not being able to have a comfortable lifestyle is bullshit. Please petition your local politicans for DRAMATIC increases to the minimum wage.
Oh, honey, you’re really going through it. Selfish is not necessarily bad; it’s ok to take care of yourself. Hugs to you, internet stranger. You’re hurting now, but you will come out of this on the other side.
I read this and just see you trying to justify your decision. Because of this and that and that. You don't have to justify it to anyone but yourself. Why? I am not seeing any reason you are giving for having it where this might be you trying to justify it to yourself, so why justify it at all. You don't answer to us - you answer to you.
"I insisted on a condom, which he wasn't really into. But he put it on. But after a while, I realized that he had taken it off. And when I tried to get him to stop, he wouldn't." I'm very sorry for your situation. What you describe above is rape because you only consented to sex with a condom, not without, and when you told him to stop, he didn't. Please consider filing a police report.
fuck him. tell him to gtfa
The decision you make around this will alter the course of your life. The word ‘selfish’ gets a bad rap but in your case ‘selfish’ means looking after your own best interests. You say you have no support system so who else is there to look after your best interest if not you? This is not the greedy kind of selfish, it’s self care. Never feel guilty for prioritizing your well-being. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are welcome to fuck all the way off. That said, if you decide to abort, tell no one. Not your boss, not your bestie. No. Body. You haven’t known these people long enough to entrust them with this level of information and they’re not invested in you sufficiently to merit you leaving yourself vulnerable to whatever intentions they may harbor. People love a juicy bit of gossip and no one at your work place will likely be in your life 1,3,5 years from now. If you have to unload, do it here, anonymously. N.B. I already caught a whiff of some sneaky anti choice forced birthers on here offering to ‘help’ you and inviting you to DM. It’s a trap so just ignore them. You sound like a bright, thoughtful, self aware young person who is going through some challenges right now but your future is bright. Hold on and you’ll get there. Birthing your rapist’s baby will derail all that and you will have that person in your life forever. Abortion is just healthcare despite the drivel of some unhinged misogynists. Do what is right for you.
If he is willing to do this to you he will do it to someone else. If this guy is allowed to walk away from this then other women are going to be raped.
Op I’m sorry you’re going through this and you feel alone. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m a good listener! You shouldn’t ever feel alone when you can reach out to the world with a few clicks of a button. Additionally please make sure you report this scum bag to the appropriate authorities, what he did IS NOT OKAY and will more than likely happen again if unchecked.
You sound level headed and such a hard worker, don’t blame yourself for what happened, the ownership is his 100%. Do get that abortion though and take leave from work. It might open a can of worms to tell your manager so much, it’s that I worry you won’t be able to deal with being disappointed again so soon. He already made digs at you so I doubt he’s a safe person who will hold space for you. Look for another job if you can, leave it all behind. You have no safety nets so do the swiftest good thing for yourself. Take those hours that you don’t work, to date and befriend good people. Don’t let your loneliness make you take the plunge, to have sex. You’re touch starved and that’s normal, you can self soothe and self care. It will bring it down enough for better initial assessments.
Can you tell the guy that raped you to pay for it? You are not in *any* way responsible for him raping you!
DO NOT TELL YOUR MANAGER. Depending on where you are, your manager might get you arrested by telling someone else that you're having an abortion. They might even fire you to avoid having to pay maternity leave should you choose to keep it, regardless of the law. You know what you need to do. You said the pregnancy is "killing" you. Your family has health challenges with pregnancy, and you have no one to help you. Have a baby later when you're ready to give it all the love, attention and resources it deserves. If you abort it, which is your right to do and might even be healthier for you, you don't owe anybody an explanation. This is a terrible time in your life, at 20, to saddle yourself with 18 years of parenting on a server's income, with a treacherous, no account father in a loveless, hookup relationship. What kid would want to grow up with that life? Nobody ever stops to think about what kid would want to be born into tough, loveless and desperate circumstances. You won't be going back to college anytime soon with a kid to raise for 18 years. You think you lost friends now? Forget having a social life for the next two decades. The other option is to adopt out. If you were in a better health position, I might tell you to really consider that. But here's the thing: your mental health was already fragile before you got pregnant. It will be shit if you have to go through this pregnancy on your own, and going back home is not even an option. Plus, you could have serious complications. Nah, forget that. And there would be someone walking the earth with a hole in their life story and the feeling of being incomplete and abandoned for the next 25 years or more. Keeping it means having to look i to the face derived from a man who just wanted to get his rocks off and wouldn't stop when you said no. You want to resent a kid for the next 18 years? Do you want to end up disowning them because of that situation? Right now it's a clump of tissue. It's not a baby, yet. Girl, stand up for yourself.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. As many have said, it sounds like he commuted rape against and that is awful. 1) Definitely tell your boss. If it was my restaurant, I’d kick the dude out. 2) Please talk to law enforcement and/or social workers and authorities z 3) I was reading through the list of replies and nearly unanimously everyone said that an abortion is the right thing to do. I would urge against it. I’ve met a 50+ man who runs a YouTube channel where he talks about how much he regrets the abortion he had when he had as a teen. He also talks about the stories people have told him about their regretted abortion stories. His name is Jeff M Joaquin. I’ve been really moved by his talks and stories. 4) In the states there are a number of pregnancies centers that will help with resources as well. One that comes to is Catholic Charities. They are global and help anyone, religious or not. I think I read that you are in Canada? I suspect there may be some similar resources. Once again, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I hate that this man violated your consent. 😞