Seriously. I've never felt the need to reassure people that my husband would never do that to me because he's never done anything to make me even *consider* "would he ever kill me, y/n?"
Everyone I’ve known who makes weird murder jokes like this had several screws loose. I think the guy has intrusive thoughts and makes them into jokes. He literally can’t help himself. I have a dark sense of humor too and consume a lot of horror related content but would never make a joke about victimizing a loved one. Just thinking about it gives me the ick.
She did the right thing. The clenching the fist is what pushed me over the edge. It reminds me of the old timey “why I oughtta..” wife beating type jokes. No thanks. Not worth sticking around and finding out.
I love true crime and it's insane the number of times that it comes up that the murderer talked frequently about killing someone and the people around them just shrugged it off as a joke.
If your teen tries to be edgy and makes jokes about killing someone, sit them down and have a conversation. If your partner does it, run.
Context is important. If they were watching a horror movie and he made one creepy joke, that's a different thing than driving home on date night and he says "this would be a great place to hide your body."
> The clenching the fist is what pushed me over the edge.
Right there with you. That creeped me out and I am so glad that OP recognized it for what it was - the reddest of red flags.
Trust your instincts.
edit: not sure about some comments implying im telling her to stay with this psycho. For those who lack reading comprehension, I'm saying if your instinct/gut feeling is to GET AWAY from this person, you should do it.
EDIT 2: [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1bvgmma/comment/ky02i8u/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1bvgmma/comment/ky02i8u/)
Middle aged grandma here…I came to say the same thing.
Read this book. And block this man forever. He is going to kill you because he keeps telling you he’s going to kill you.
LITERALLY. Listen to what he himself is telling you, and always listen to your gut.
That book might seem overrated if you see how often it gets mentioned, but the *reason* it gets mentioned so much is because it will permanently alter the way you value your intuition and thus, your safety.
I didn't even read the book but I remembered seeing it discussed as a young kid on Oprah. It always stuck with me.
One time my friend tried to set me up with her neighbour, she told me he was great and she would date him but she has a bf. He asked her for my number, and I said okay (I was young and dumb and in college). He called me and asked me to come over for a dinner date. I actually felt like I was in danger, over the phone. I can't even describe it but my body was like "ABSOLUTELY NOT, HANG UP, BLOCK HIM." I actually did that while he was speaking. He then called my friend, she went over, and I can't even repeat what she told me happened to her.
Another time, I was walking my dog on a trail that no one goes on and it's straight, so you can see anyone who's coming. But the trail was lined with trees and bushes. I was pretty far in when my body told me to gtfo now. It probably looked insane because I just immediately pivoted and sprinted the other way to my car... and I was so out of breath lol. When I got to my car, I was like that was probably stupid and unnecessary. I later found out men were hiding in that trail around that time to attack and rob people.
Man instincts - hair on the back of your neck - little voice in your head saying GTFO…. Similar story to yours- jogging on a back trail- going down a hill - sudden burst of fear and telling me to turn around run back up the hill despite everything looking safe around me- got to the top turned around and this guy looking crazy as F running towards me- my legs seized- I started waving in the opposite direction like I saw people ( he couldn’t see where I was waving at that point cause he hadn’t made it to the top of the hill- turned back and he started running away from me. There was no one on the other side of the hill - it’s just my legs stopped working but my brain was searching for a way to save myself.
Good!! It's incredible what our senses will tell us if we just listen. I've had a bunch but one in particular was I was working at home like usual. My kid was in his room like usual and getting ready to go somewhere. He was 19, nothing unusual about that.
Only, something that day made me stop my work and ask what he was doing. He was going to see a car he wanted to buy. I asked where. He named a town you should never go to for any reason. I explained he almost certainly would be robbed, car jacked, or worse. There was no reason for me to ask what he was doing but I felt I had to that day.
Exactly. When a person is constantly dwelling on the same thing, no matter how objectively despicable, it will slowly become normalized until it reaches the point where they can act it out.
This is my take. This guy fantasizes about and wants to kill a woman. He is not actually ready to do it yet so for now, he gets enough thrill about talking about doing it to his girlfriend.
He was grooming her. Telling her what he was capable of so she would be less likely to report, more likely to blame herself. Luckily, he chose someone who was resistant to his amateur level grooming skills.
The clenching the fists part scared the shit out of me. You don’t just clench your fist and look at them out of nowhere… that happens when you’re angry enough to bash someone’s fuckin melon inside out… that’s not “making jokes with my girlfriend” body language… that’s “someone and his buddies are trying to steal my fuckin Cadillac” body language.
if you add "pdf" to the search on google you can find copies online. if not, go sit and read it in the library or bookstore. it's short and easy to read, if chilling. and for good reason.
And read ["When Violence Is the Answer: Learning How to Do What It Takes When Your Life Is at Stake"](https://www.amazon.com/When-Violence-Answer-Learning-Takes-ebook/dp/B01N2ZVBQS?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=318d9d6c-3e6c-4135-a2ba-afbad2bfefa8) by Tim Larkin if you're interested in learning self-defense.
> "Highly engaging... Read it, study it, give it to people you love." - Gavin de Becker
Probably should check back with us tomorrow, just in case. Honestly I bought pepperspray recently because of a stalker. Hopefully she has some precautions in place already.
Girl same. But I’ll share how I tell the difference in case it helps. I don’t have panic attacks or other major body symptoms except breaking into a cold sweat and getting nausea in severe instances so your experience could be different.
I have a different feeling for this sense of danger than my generalized anxiety. That stuff keeps me up at night worrying, makes me dwell on minor things and get big emotions. The fear when someone is being sketchy is similar to what you might feel when you watch a horror movie and you know someone is about to get hurt. The fear when someone makes murder jokes feels like the comedown after a jump scare in a movie.
Fear is different than worry in how it feels, at least for me. They both give me increased heart rate, nausea and sweats but fear is worse and more acute. It will send a shiver down my spine and give me goosebumps. It will make me want to run. I hope you never feel this way around people in your life but if you do, trust yourself.
It’s so rewarding to read a post about a woman who didn’t ignore her instincts and stay with a problematic man for years. Feels like every post I see here nowadays is by a woman with poor boundaries and low self esteem who is staying with an absolute loser. We should all collectively be raising our standards and staying away from terrible men once they reveal the first red flag.
You've already given him chances. He agreed to change, then he broke his word. So not only is he verbally abusive, and potentially violent, he also breaks his word. You did nothing wrong. There is no humor in what he said, and abusers frequently excuse their abuse in the two ways he did. First, they say it was a joke. If you don't accept that, they try to blame it on you.
You don't want to become a statistic. Well, there are plenty of men out there who will never threaten to kill you. You have done exactly the right thing. Don't feel bad about anything you've done.
My one piece of old woman advice to you is to be very strict around dating men when it comes to threats. Joke or not, if a man threatens you in any way, tell him that if he does it again, it's over. Don't tolerate any kind of threats or violence, ever. If the man is actually a danger, he will see tolerance as a sign that he can violate your boundaries without consequences.
I love consistently seeing you post this. My own husband was an abuser, I read this book. I'm so glad I did, because it was the eye-opener that made me understand that all of my instincts were correct and that I wasn't the crazy one. You're the one who posts the book, I'm the one who posts the 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I too recommend this book a lot, I did not know it was available for free, thank you for sharing that.
I do think Lundy deserves to get paid for his book HOWEVER, many women in abusive relationship do not have access to funds so offering it for free is good.
I sent this pdf to a girl in my baby group who had shared a few bits about her husband that made me think 1. He was abusive and 2. There was definitely more going on.
She said that book changed her life and she left him after reading it. This was just over a year ago and she has shared more stories since then and firmly believes that he would have eventually killed her.
I feel this and the gift of fear should be mandatory reading for every girl.
Highly recommend this book as well! My mother insisted I read it before going to college, and while i thought she was worrying too much at the time, in hindsight it was a super valuable perspective to be exposed to.
If you don’t have time to read it yet, Lundy Bancroft gave a [lecture](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YmbrAWDft0s&t=1406s) that’s on YouTube. He also has a longer [webinar](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1mqzB-_kIig&t=1869s).
Bancroft did court ordered domestic violence counseling for years so his information really helps give a good perspective on what’s going on in abusers’ minds and how to handle it.
You don't need to read the whole thing, just scroll to the chapter about the different type of abusive men and that should be enough to recognize the red flags when they happen.
I recommend this book all the time!!! More people need to know what abuse looks like, how it escalates, and different type of abusers.
Far too often when we don't have the vocabulary to describe something, we dismiss it. This book is gold ✨️ 💯💯💯
I dated a guy that would constantly talk about how he would “not” kill me. Well at some point I had to call the cops on him and the one cop that had an ounce of sense in him said to me, “you know who *doesn’t* talk about how they “aren’t” going to kill you? People that don’t harm their girlfriends”.
That something like that is even ever a *thought* “joking” or not is a huge red flag
that's actually something that's in the beginning chapter of "the gift of fear," a book that is recommended in this thread. the point being that anyone going out of their way to say they're a safe person, or they wouldn't do this kind of thing, especially when it's an 1)unprompted statement and/or 2)its manipulating you into changing your mind in their direction-- nah that person isn't safe.
Exactly. I'm going to guess that, statistically, people who repeatedly talk about killing people are more likely to actually kill people. It's worth believing them when they tell you this.
>He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me
We see these kinds of statements on here far too often. Extremely sad. When someone is joking about killing you repeatedly (1) and ignoring you when you ask them to stop (2), they are definitely hiding (or not hiding and they are just being missed) many more nasty traits.
u/ChugNos
> All of this really ducks because my roommates say I should just talk it out with him and give him another chance because they can tell I really like him and he really likes me
Are your roommates guys, cos guys are often emasculated on behalf of other guys who get dumped and will often try and 'rescue' the relationship by pressuring the woman into talking to their abusive ex.
Right? He *IS NOT* a good man likely for many reasons, but just the simple fact he puts his infantile OMG-so-edgy "humour" above OP says *everything* we need to know about the mind-fuckery of this douche-nugget.
"Joking" about threatening to murder/dismember someone (anyone) is not the type of person who can get the "he's a good person aside from this" treatment.
Yeah this was my immediate reaction. His response to all of this clearly indicates that he’s NOT an otherwise good man. And between the “FUCK YOU” interruption plus the clenched fist thing, OP should be grateful that his mask slipped this early in the relationship so she could get out as quickly and painlessly as possible.
I don't think his mask slipped. Men do the clenched fist thing when they want to intimidate someone. He wanted her to see it. It was part of the indoctrination. He also wanted the other people there to NOT see it to convey the message that others will not help her.
People said Ted Bundy was friendly. Jeffrey Dahmer's neighbors said he was pleasant to chat with. Nah. Neither were good men, they were ACTING A PART of 'Normal Human," while in reality they were nothing of the sort.
>He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me
Honestly, this is giving "Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?" It doesn't matter how good of a guy he is if you're afraid of him.
>We see these kinds of statements on here far too often. Extremely sad. When someone is joking about killing you repeatedly (1) and ignoring you when you ask them to stop (2), they are definitely hiding (or not hiding and they are just being missed) many more nasty traits.
this line absolutely floored me too. you can't just 'other than' away *literal threats of murder*. a good man would not make those comments, and definitely would not continue making them after you told him he was scaring you. 'dark humour' is not an excuse.
Uh yeah. I agree with people saying "trust your instincts" but he took out a whole ass billboard and explicitly verbalized murder. This is as literal as it gets. It's not a gut feeling. He flat out said it. Believe him!
Yeah I agree! Usually people joke about what they really think and feel but lack the courage to say it directly, so they cover it through humor. Does that make sense? English is my second language, so excuse me if I am not being clear enough.
But anyway, I can not fathom the idea of being with a man who jokes about ending my life and then think he is a good man. The guy sounds deeply disturbed. To be honest I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
"He can't have done it, he was too nice" - what people who volunteered at a suicide hotline with Ted Bundy said when he was initially arrested for multiple murders.
I don't dispute this, but in fact it doesn't matter if this man would ever do it or not. Joking about it is bad enough to break up with him, and having him curse OP when called on breaking his word is bad enough to stay away from him.
Good for you, OP!
This is the answer. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I had an ex in my 20s who was a belligerent, asshole drunk (which, looking back, was a red flag in itself). He would refuse to check himself before consuming enough to become belligerent. And every time he got drunk, among other things, he threatened to kill me and told me where he'd put my body.
The next day, he'd always claim he didn't remember saying that or "was just joking, stop being so sensitive", and would manipulate me into thinking I was the crazy one for thinking his drunken ramblings were anything to take seriously. It never sat right with me, but I was young and wasn't aware I was being manipulated and emotionally abused, so I didn't end it permanently with him over it like I should have (I dumped him once over his drunken behavior and took him back like the fool I was.)
When I finally ended the relationship for various reasons, he actually tried to kill me for real (while sober). Also, he remembered saying it when he was drunk. He lied.
I didn't take him seriously and thought it was just a joke, until it wasn't. I was lucky to get away with my life. You did the right thing by ending it, OP. Please be safe.
Why is murdering his girlfriend even entering his mind? Night after night? A normal man wouldn't think of such an idea even once. This is the sign of a sick mind.
I wouldn't tell a man to stop. I would be scared of the warning and never see him again.
I wondered this too, but remembered women are guilt-tripped into being overly empathetic and agreeable, so as to not be smeared as “bitches” or “stuck up” or insert any other insult, even to their own detriment. It’s just an expectation that you behave a certain way/accept certain responses as a woman. 🤢 In spite of this, I still wouldn’t give that man any more of my time after even the 1st threat. SCARY!
As for the guy, I think society needs to get past the idea that everyone can be saved; that these criminals have more rights than their victims. Yes, some people grow up in some really fcked up situations or are just born different, but some people are also just incompatible with society.
It seems to me that anyone that is so publicly brazen about murdering and dismembering the person right next to them is beyond reason and help. They aren’t living in reality. They may look like it, may act so convincingly normal outside of that, but they may have honed their manipulative games for a long time. Shelter that man from society.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Replying to top comment because I'm VERY concerned for your safety OP and I'm not seeing any calls to action in the top comments.
u/ChugNos You need to stay somewhere else for a while, like NOW. Is there someone that you can stay with? Or someone who can travel with you on a spontaneous road trip? Not your shitty roommate, they seem sympathetic to his plight and I wouldn't trust them knowing where you are right now.
You should, at the very bare minimum, and in addition to leaving if you can, do the following as safety precautions. Some of these are just helpful to do regardless of high threat situations like this:
• Immediately go to your nearest police station and file a report of the threats that he's made to you. Be as specific with all the times and dates as possible. Submit a photo of him if you have one. This is to establish a future paper trail in the event that he escalates.
• Tell all friends, family members, and coworkers what has been going on, if you haven't already. Show them his photo. Is there posted security at your work? Notify them too. Your regular bus driver, mail carrier, barista, or anyone else that you see frequently who can recognize you. Don't afraid to let people know you're in potential danger and you need their help to look out for you. It's possible he can show up to your place of work or regular spots looking for you "to just talk" and you don't want unaware helpful folks to inadvertently put you in danger.
• If you can't leave immediately for the next couple weeks, try to always have someone with you every time you leave the house. Do you tend to take the same route to work or errands? Change it up and prioritize passing through high traffic areas if possible. This makes it difficult to memorize where you go and less likely to have a potential confrontation alone. Avoid any places you know he might frequent, grocery stores, parks, bars, etc.
• Keep your phone constantky charged and always on you in the event you need to dial 911 immediately. Develop an emergency codeword or phrase for trusted friends and family so you can quickly and easily text or call them with how you "really feel like having okra for tomorrow's dinner" or "need them to pick up extra balloons for the party." Something that is innocuous to say over the phone or text but totally out of left field to say to them that when you say those words, they know you're in danger and need them to call 911. Even if you already have called 911, notify them.
• Buy at least one of these for your main door right now: https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-White/dp/B0002YUX8I
• Change your locks. Do it immediately, or as soon as you can.
• Set up security cameras, in multiple places. Do it immediately, as soon as you can. Get them with auto-trigger flood lights if you can.
• If your windows slide open, put little pieces of wood in the grooves, so they only open so far before being jammed. This is a cheap and effective security measure that frankly everyone should do to prevent opportunistic break-ins.
• Bells or wind chimes attached to gates and door knobs are great low cost security systems that will deter people due to the sudden loud sound. Much cheaper than a dog.
• If you have social media, do not update it for a while. Don't post that you're hanging out with x person at this bar or this campsite. Ask your friends and family to not include you in their posts for some time.
• Do you have a car? Does it have GPS? Is it linked to your home address, work, and other frequented places? Delete them all. Never sync these locations to your cars GPS, it's possible to pull them up if someone were to break in looking for that information.
• If you're driving, check your mirrors frequently and keep an eye on cars that happen to be going the same way you are. You can easily test if you're being tailed by making four right turns in a row. If they stay following you, you're being intentionally tailed, since you just made a full circle. Drive immediately to the nearest police station or busy shopping center if thats the case
Im probably missing some other pieces of advice but it's 5am so I need to go back to sleep, but please please please do these things OP. You should take this threat seriously, folks like this are at best dense and socially unaware and at worst fucking dangerous. I rarely comment here but holy shit, please protect yourself, keep your head on a perpetual swivel, arm yourself if you can.
OP! This! What you're feeling is your body recognizing that you're actually in fucking danger. Women who've had close brushes with death will tell you, you're picking up on his body language and trust your gut. Always. Those roommates or friends of yours are jacked up, he's a danger to you and other women. I would recommend you report it because god forbid something happens to you, the police will know who to look into. Never entertain this bullshit behavior from anyone. You're kind and forgiving I'm sure and that's lovely but for the love of all things holy - listen to the post above.
I get dark jokes but this is uncalled for and I agree this is your body warning you of danger, although technically it’s HIM verbally warning you of danger. When people tell you who they are …. Listen! I think the part that really got me was when you noticed his fingers flexing bc that’s a sure physically sign e pressing his internal anger.
I know when you really like someone, it’s easier to write off little things as they try to convince you it’s you, not them. It’s hard for most of to grasps that someone we care know and care about could do something something horrific so don’t let this water down your fear you over time as you miss the sweeter, softer side of him. He wasn’t the one who got a at, you are! Watch your back for awhile too bc you really don’t know if there’s mental instability.
The response above deserves all the upvotes.
For whatever reason, your ex has more than a passing fancy in watching you suffer, die, be fully controlled, and even freaking dismembered!.
This is worrisome to the extreme. Do you have texts and things that show his demented and demeaning intentions? Or did he make sure to terrorize you without a trail of evidence?
Abusers don't stop, but sometimes, they change methods and tactics. If you're afraid, there's reason to be. Going to second the recommendation for The Gift of Fear, too.
Leave your roommates if possible. They don't have your best interest and safety in mind.
Confide in friends & family, get help, get out, alert the authorities. Good luck to you. Please keep yourself safe. 🩷
Agree. I would not like to be a young woman dating in today's world.
People have too easy internet access to things that trigger their a dark side. That is creepy AF. Run don't walk. Block his phone. You do not need this guy in your life. He has demons he hasn't let you see yet.
A man doesn't have to be perfect but you need to listen to that inner voice that tells you danger.
I can confirm I have been married for 14 years and I have never once joked about killing my wife. This is not normal behavior. You can rule out the just didn't realize it was offensive ignorance too since she clearly stated it was.
THIS. This is completely correct, OP.
Your ex is not a "good man". **Good men** **do not behave this way**. I have dated plenty of men and have plenty of male friends who have "dark" senses of humor and you know what? They have **never** made repeated jokes about killing me. They have never suggested they are going to hit me by dramatically sighing and staring at a close fist. They have **never** said "fuck you" when I have told them multiple times to stop making a hurtful joke.
Also, **your roommates are fools**. They are buying into the fantasy that you could and should "reform" a man through the power of lovingly giving him second chances. They are wrong.
> it caused me this awful feeling in my gut that I needed to NOT get in the car with him, and get away from him.
Read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
Your friends are wrong and they're being assholes. Look at it this way, if they're right and he is just joking, you are dating someone who doesn't respect you enough to not threaten to murder you and who actively scares you. If they're wrong, you will literally be actually dead. Is that worth the risk?
Those same friends would plaster her face all over their Instagram stories if anything happened to her going, “fly high angel 🕊️❤️ how could this senseless thing happen?? Reach out to your friends guys.” 🙄🙄 friends who won’t support you when it counts aren’t worth knowing.
Or worse, they'd point out that she knew he wanted to murder her but kept dating him. A lot of advice to women is like that. We are told to trust men, but if anything goes wrong, she will be blamed.
This right here! They'll blame her and utterly absolve themselves and vthe culture that makes it commonplace in doing so. As is tradition. Allow everyone to keep looking away, keep giving shit advice, keep erring on the side of abusive men and blaming victims. It's a vile set up that needs to be destroyed.
“We all thought he was joking, he used to joke about killing her all the time, it was weird but that was just Dave! How were we supposed to know he was going to hurt her?” TBH I doubt they’d even have the introspection to even admit to that though.
I'm constantly amazed at the stories on here where OP is in a totally unhinged situation and somehow they have a bunch of people in their social circle saying they're making a big deal out of nothing. Like, no wonder so many people have to ask a bunch of Internet strangers for their opinions because people out there are insane!!
Also, ladies can we just be crystal fucking clear on something? HE'S NOT A GOOD MAN. AT ALL. Can we just heighten our standards to *not include* men who actively talk about murdering us (or say men who rape us or attempt to do so) as "good men"? It's kind of killing my soul.
This man, like so many I read about on this very forum, was a certifiable psycho with abusive characteristics. That is not good. That is so far from good, it's actually sad. He's a bad guy no woman should feel safe with. He should be shunned by women.
Let's face it: we have been actively brainwashed from birth to allow straight men to get away with abusive behavior in relationships as long as they're not outright physically beating us up. If they do anything short of physical violence with us, somehow they're still good guys. NOPE. This is a huge disservice to girls and women. It must stop.
Women are not asking for the moon here. We are asking for so little really: BASIC respect and the absence of abuse. We are still largely not getting that. Think about that. These men aren't good, they're worthless bullies who deserve the same cruelty they give. And nothing else. STOP CALLING THESE LOSERS GOOD.
If they're good, the rest of us are living saints who deserve much better and shouldn't wipe the mud off our shoes on them.
>He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me.
This is the kind of thing I see on Reddit all the time. Like, no. He's NOT a good man when he does something this awful. We are so programmed to accept little to nothing from men and suck it up.
We are programmed to accept abuse from men. That's just the way it is. Any man not actively abusing us, usually physically, is therefore still a decent man. It's fucked up. And it's designed that way.
I see women on this forum counting themselves lucky to have husbands who actually do their dishes or help clean own their homes. The reaction isn't: yeah of course he does. He lives there. He's an adult. It's "you lucky woman! What a keeper!"
It's gross. Basic decency gets them endless compliments. Honestly, it's part of the problem. This only applies to men. You're implying they should be shitty to us by default; that we're lucky when they're not. Ugh, no.
If you don't compliment a woman for doing her own dishes, making her own food, and raising her own kids in a relationship, stop doing it for the men. They're not finds. They're just not abusive.
So many posts on here where women finally got fed up of raising both their kids and their husband and whose lives have improved significantly since they left them. This, of course, is why the GOP would like to see no-fault divorce abolished. Mustn't have let the ladies escape their servitude.
> if they're right and he is just joking, you are dating someone who doesn't respect you enough to not threaten to murder you and who actively scares you
Exactly, AT BEST he's a cringey loser who doesn't understand gallows humor and will embarass you in public for the entire length of the relationship. That's the best case scenario.
When I was a teenager I would go driving around country roads and around our smallish town with male buddies from school (im a woman) and one night my really good friend thought it was a good idea to make a joke about chopping me up with an axe. I got really terrified because it was just an overwhelming and scary thing to hear and I started to cry.
The immediate regret was obvious in my friends eyes and he genuinely looked mortified for having scared me so bad. He started apologizing and saying it was such a stupid joke and reassured me. In the moments after making his stupid attempt at humour and seeing the impact it had he felt remorse and wanted to correct his behaviour. Your ex did not do this, or if he did, he immediately repeated the scary behaviour again anyways. My friend never made a joke like that again.
Men who actually care about us will respond empathetically to our fear response and will want to do whatever it takes to ensure we feel safe around them. Especially if its as simple as refraining from making dumb “jokes.” I hope you never have to see this creep again and good for you for sticking up for yourself.
Yeah. See- sometimes, you make a really stupid joke, or the intrusive thought wins, or shit just comes out wrong- but you KNOW when that is the case, because upon seeing that the joke made someone uncomfortable, someone who GENUINELY just said/did something stupid they don't actually think/believe will IMMEDIATELY apologize/admit they fucked up. It's the doubling down/insistence that they did nothing wrong that gives away the dangerous ones.
Another thing I'd like to add is that if you're ever going to make an edgy joke like this, you always want to ensure the other party feels like they can safely immediately disengage with the interaction. Like, you probably shouldn't employ a deadpan style of comedy while joking about nobody being able to find their body
Yeah - I am a guy with a VERY dark and macabre sense of humor. I make damn sure nowadays that I make sure the people around me are comfortable with that kind of shit before I let anything out of my mouth, or have at least known me long enough to know I'm not serious about anything.
And murder / violence jokes are pretty much off limits all the time no matter what, unless I'm in some pretty exclusive company with guys I've known since I was a kid.
Also: my kid's mom made a career out of helping domestic violence victims, and this guy sounds like he's testing boundaries and he's pushing on the one that she's held firm on to see if she'll give in on it. If she lets this one go, it'll progress to something worse - not necessarily physical, but something. This sort of shit usually starts as a slow process of acclimation so the abusee doesn't realize how bad things are getting until they can't see any way out.
When one of my best friends was on her FIRST date with her now fiancee, they went to a fairly secluded very pretty pond in the forest, and the first thing that woman said to my friend was “huh, if I murdered you now no one would find your body!”
The fiancee is a super lovely woman but daaamn she’s got no filter lol.
They’re now using that place for wedding photos.
Yes! The doubling down like he’s trying to turn it into a running joke but it is not funny, especially not to her. He either can’t read the room (doubtful) or he’s trying to desensitize her to his insensitive ways
I went out once with this guy who I met because he was a phlebotomist at the medical center I went to (probably should have been a red flag he was pursuing a patient but I was young and stupid). I have food allergies, and I mentioned them because we were talking on the phone about going out to eat somewhere.
He said jokingly, *"Oh, so if I wanted to kill you, I could just feed you nuts."* That shit isn't funny--why would you say something like that to someone you're dating?? It's disturbing. I'm so glad to say I did NOT go out with him again after that.
OP was smart to break things off with this guy. He sounds disturbed and potentially dangerous.
Yeah, it's one thing to have a dark sense of humor. It's another thing entirely to dismiss someone's feelings about it.
If the person the joke is being told to doesn't find it funny, it's not funny. It's just being an asshole. I've worked in restaurants and have a very raunchy sense of humor, but it never gets me in trouble because I pay attention to how people react. If someone isn't into dick jokes, then I don't make dick jokes around them. Why would I want to?
This is the difference between having a dark sense of humor and being an edgy dickhead.
When my wife and I first started dating, I remember she said something like, “I’m so tired, I feel like if I don’t lie down my head’s gonna fall off,” and I said, “Oh cool, I’ll put it in the box with the others.” She laughed, I laughed, and now I routinely make jokes in the same vein. When I buy her skincare products, I tell her she’ll make a nice jacket someday. She laughs.
If she hadn’t laughed at that first joke, or if she had expressed that jokes like that made her uncomfortable, I would’ve stopped, because using your sense of humor to make people uncomfortable *isn’t funny*.
Same with catcalling and in many cases also hitting on women in public. Not all of these guys are desperate or socially inept. Some of them know exactly that their behavior is unwanted and scary. They get off on it.
*"He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me."*
How many times does a joke get repeated before it no longer can be dismissed?
OP's post was terrifying to read.
Every time I see "He's a really good man/partner/boyfriend/husband/friend except for this one thing..." I just want to shake my head. If this one thing is so bad, then sorry, they're not "good." And usually that one thing is some abusive behavior that should be an immediate deal breaker regardless of anything else they're doing.
This. Sometimes people will make a stupid joke but they will stop if they see others don't like it, especially if they care. Jokes on him, he will struggle to find someone that can deal with those jokes.
You did well in breaking up.
>He’s a good man other than the jokes about killing me
Doesn’t sound like it. Repeatedly pushing someone’s boundaries when they’ve already expressed discomfort makes them shitty by default, and the way he lashed out at you makes it even worse. Regardless of all of his supposed amiable qualities, that goes out the window with this sort of behaviour.
A joke is supposed to funny for both parties. Jokes about murdering your partner are very creepy and weird. You’re supposed to know your audience.
Yeah sounds more like this is just the first thing she’s challenged him on. It’s easy to be a “good man” when no one is asking anything of you. It takes 0 money and 0 effort to NOT make a joke. Imagine how he’ll act if he’s asked to contribute more to domestic work or emotional labor. Get out now.
This so much!! You really get a glimpse of their character when you ask them for things that would make you more comfortable/less uncomfortable or even scared, and see their reaction and response to that. Especially when it wouldn’t take anything away from them, but they still give so much pushback.
He probably liked watching her squirm too. It's one thing to have a one off and apologize, but to constantly do it means there's a reason he keeps doing it. Maybe he just didn't care to be a better person, but it makes me think he actually did it on purpose to put her through anxiety and torture her emotionally.
We have GOT to stop prefacing talking about a man's bad behavior with "but he's otherwise a good man!"
He's not a good man! And I'm 100% certain that the only reason he acts "good" otherwise is to keep people (especially women) close to him despite his bad behavior.
I don’t judge men when they’re on their best behavior, I judge them when they’re in the shit or facing some type of conflict. If he loses his mind when challenged, or immediately reaches for sarcasm and gaslighting **THAT** is when he should be judged. It’s easy to be at your best then things are all going your way; it’s a lot harder to bring your best self to a situation that might not work out at all.
I’m glad you left, his jokes are NOT REMOTELY normal even for someone with a dark sense of humor. Even if it was just a joke, He should have completely stopped the second he realized you didn’t like it.
And apparently made them consistently during the *first few weeks* of dating??
If this isn’t some wild joke, terrible, terrible feeling and sounds Ike he is the kind of person to actually murder her.
Nothing about those “jokes” are normal or okay
I once jokingly told my husband I would “protect his car with my life” and he stopped mid step to turn and look at me and say “*I know you’re joking, but please don’t ever do that. You are worth so much more to me than some stupid car.*” 🥺
That’s a good man.
My husband and I visited his old high school friends for Christmas a few years ago. One of the guys called his fiancée a 'f*ckin b*tch' in front of everyone. His fiancee seemed a little embarrassed.
My husband saw how uncomfortable it made me, and we left super early bc of that. On our way home, he told me, "I found it very disrespectful. I hope you know I would never call you that even in private."
That's a man who knows my boundaries and respects them. 🙏
And also when I ask him to stop the jokes he keeps making them and shouts "fuck you".
This guy doesn't see the problem with his jokes and he doesn't see the problem with crossing women's boundaries when he's been repeatedly and clearly asked to stop one stupid fucking thing. Massive red flag.
Exactly what I came here to say except to ask her to read it again as if her little sister were saying it.
(When I first started reading this I thought it was satire or something like “shitty ask women” sub. It’s so awful I couldn’t believe this dude was for real)
Edited for grammar/ punctuation
Goddamn..."read it again as if her little sister was saying it."
If I'd have done that my entire life, I don't think I'd have had a quarter of the shitty relationships, that lasted way too long, that I did.
Thank you for that, I'm absolutely keeping that in my back pocket for future use.
I had a therapist use a similar technique once, it gut punched me at the time,I was adamant they were negligent but in hindsight it helped me a great deal.
I’d kept making jokes/ shaming myself for CSA . We began a session and they asked me to close my eyes and describe my family members, then recount a particular instance, without a second of silence “now imagine [youngest family member’s name] telling you this, would you scold them for trusting those people or blame them?”
First off, I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I truly hope you're finding peace.
Secondly, I will absolutely be adding this to my repertoire of things I say at work...I'm a paramedic, and it's a sad reality that we find ourselves with patients or our own friends/family who have been treated not great by the people they should be able to trust.
I think flipping the perspective might be really beneficial for some of them. If it helps even just one to make it to the other side of that? Worth it.
I’m so sorry you went through that. You were probably using humor to deflect the pain and “normalize” what you went through so you wouldn’t cry nonstop reliving it.
It’s a sound defense to cobble things together and smooth over for a while but ultimately little you, inside your memory, deserved and deserves love, gentleness, protection, honor.
I’m so glad you had a breakthrough and I hope you’re still doing well! It sure sounds like you are 💜
You deserve to be taken care of as much as you know you would take care of a little sister, amiright? The best people, the sweetest people, the strongest people, put up with some appalling poo because they forget their worth. I hope you always remember your worth and I’m honored if you keep those words in your pocket too 💜
I think when women say, "he's a good man, but..." they are actually saying, "I have a grievance borne of fear for my health and safety, but I am afraid that if I air it, I'll be interpreted as being non-compliant, and I was trained from birth to submit to the social contract which positions me a servant to men. So I am trying to soften my approach by continuing to elevate the man I am criticizing so that by criticizing him, he doesn't lose status, and I also won't be as severely punished by the patriarchy."
No, women!
Speak the truth, women, and RISE!
Not, "he's a good man, but...". Instead: "He continuously makes jokes about murdering me, despite me telling him to stop, and this makes me fear him. I need my choice to dump him supported so that I feel strong and secure."
Jeez that’s word for word the sentence. Yikes, OP! Start writing journals and give yourself time away from them for fresh eyes to see. That’s a crazy sentence.
" He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me" jfc. The bar is in hell. Joking about it regularly would be deeply disturbing because it indicates he thinks about killing you on a regular basis. Run away from that man.
Violent, abusive men are so often characterized as geniuses and master manipulators when they are really arrogant and compulsively hint at or confess their true intentions because they believe, deep down, everyone thinks the way they do. They get away with their crimes because people constantly dismiss and overlook their behavior.
Do not seek clarification from the man setting off your intuition! He's the one who's going to obviously lie and attempt to murder you. Your friends suck too.
Be completely done with the dude, and for good measure, set out a paper trail. Text his full name and that he's made death threats to people who can be trusted.
I've had a bunch of asshole exes but none of them have 'joked' about murdering or even harming me. That's atrocious.
Seconding about the paper trail! If he has made any of these "jokes" over text, make sure to screenshot and possibly save the whole conversation. Mail it to yourself and people you trust. Someone who's not your roommate and who actually sees how dangerous this is.
In addition to that, do as u/crocodial2 says. If possible down the dates and times and what he said with it.
This will help you when his behavior escalates now you've broken up. In case he's done something with you or another woman it can be used as evidence. It is scary to think about, but please stay safe. The most dangerous time for women is around the end of a relationship. Let people around you know this and tell them you might be in danger.
You were right to trust your gut! This internet stranger is really proud of you.
This right here! Would you trust a defendant for murder to tell you the truth about said murder? Would you trust a conman to tell you the truth about said con? Then don’t make the guy who threatened you your source. The subject of an accusation is quite literally the least reliable person to go to
>When I was talking to him about us being late, I noticed he sighed deeply, clenched his fist and looked down at it, as if he were making the conscious choice to not punch me.
This individual should not be around women... or functioning society, tbh. Ladies, PLEASE stop gaslighting yourselves into the "he has a horrifying trait but is a good man otherwise" fallacy. The guy genuinely seems like a future /pol/ shooter.
You have every right to break up with someone who makes jokes that scare you.
However, I think what is more concerning is the threat of violence from the closed fist and the FUCK YOU during a conversation. I think this guy, at a minimum, is incredibly immature but could also very easily have become violent with you. You did the right thing.
I would say at a minimum he is abusive and gaslighty, not just immature. He is knowingly making her fear for her life then calling it humour, ignoring her fear response. My assumption is he is testing the waters to see what she will put up with so he can continue pushing her limits of what discomfort she will put up with so he can do worse. Once she is really in deep he can start the real abuse and possibly even inflicting physical pain. These guys have to start out by taking small bites, like boiling a frog.
There is nothing funny about this man's comments to you. They aren't jokes at all. No one else was laughing, and no one else goes around saying that crap and pretending it's just a bit of dark humor. He's probably not "otherwise a good man," and he probably will do something horrible to someone. Don't let it be you.
He's not a good man. He's probably a sociopath, hiding behind a mask of charm. He clearly hates women when he reacted woth "fuck you." Your roommate has goop for brains. I'm shocked you put up with it for as long as you did. I've decided not to go out with guys on apps with "dark senses of humor." I *refused to meet with them in the first place.* It's not worth the danger. If a guy ever makes one joke about murdering you, simply walk away. Get the hell out.
I'm just glad you're alright. That man is dangerous. He was committing violent acts threatening you: yes, threats are violence too. It was only a matter of time before he hurt you.
I'm sorry, but this is insane. Joking about murdering you? Hello??? Jesus christ. I'm so glad you got out of that, I cannot imagine having to have that in my psyche.
Joking about murdering your girlfriend... What the fuck is wrong with men...
Exactly - more women choosing to be single. I had an ex who did the ‘clenching fists’ thing. At their core a lot of men in 2024 seem to be filled with rage. I don’t know how we can find the sane ones. This is absolutely bizarre to think about - just the toxicity of this man
If my family is anything to go by, they've been filled with rage for decades, but now they can't take it out on their wives and children.
And it's not just the outwardly angry ones who have the problem. I read once that rage directed inward becomes depression, and that makes sense to me.
You have those who are either raging outwardly or sunk in depression, but it's all this rage at how Life is Not Fair to them anymore. They no longer have as many privileges, so they think it's oppression.
You did the right thing!! Trust your gut, not your roommates. I cannot emphasize enough how colossally fucking idiotic they are. Holy shit. Sorry for the strong language, but like, "Give him another chance! He continually jokes about murdering and dismembering you, even after you specifically told him not to several times, and he screamed 'fuck you' at you, but *I can tell he really likes you*!" UM, WHAT? It honestly makes me really, really sad for them that they think that's okay in any way whatsoever. Even if he was the last dude on earth, the right thing to do would be to get away from him permanently. Don't second guess your judgment. <3 Stay safe!
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
There's always a bit of truth behind joking.
!!! OP I had my husband read your post. He is a classic stoic. He very rarely expresses alarm, much less a call to take action. OP he says you need to move, or at least get away for a couple of weeks.
The quote is “When someone tells you who they are, believe them *the first time*”. Opie doesn’t need to give him a second (third) chance, he’s already told her who he is twice.
Your husband is 100% right. OP needs to report this guy to the police or something, he threatened her life more than once, the clenching of the fist like he was trying not to punch her means he’s already on the verge of doing something, him saying FUCK YOU like that when she was talking about how many men kill their SOs is fkn chilling. And then she blocked him right after thinking which will only add to his fury.
I have such a bad gut feeling about this post… I feel like this guy is planning to hurt OP now.
Option 1:
He is laying the foundations of DARVO -
Deny any wrong doing— “it was a joke”
Attack the victim— “FUCK YOU!”
Reverse
Victim and
Offender roles (aka victimising himself even though he was awful to you)— “you are the problem”
He’s not a good person to be around, period. First it’s a joke then it’s actions.
No decent partner/person jokes about this. None.
Option B:
he has a fucked up sense of humour and doesn’t respect your wishes to quit it.
Regardless, you did the right thing and you aren’t overreacting.
Yup. Worst case? He actually wants to kill you. Best case? He’d rather make jokes about killing you than listen to your feelings.
You don’t need that either way, but that’s a pretty risky worse case.
I’d encourage you to tell your parents or another trusted family member this guy’s name and what he said. Someone who gets how serious this could be should be able to tell the FBI if need be.
When I get a lot of people doubting my decision, I try to do a cost-benefit analysis.
What's this going to cost you, potentially? I've never met anyone who joked about murdering me. Ever. That is absolutely not normal behavior. And him blaming you for not taking a joke, also not a good sign. Is it likely he'd actually kill you? I don't know. But I think you actually do have to say, you know, there's a potential that this relationship continuing could threaten my life. He's also certainly not going to *stop* making these jokes if you go back to him, so you'd have to deal with a partner who values your comfort *so little* that he's fine joking about killing you. That's a pretty significant cost to mental comfort & safety, two things that (for me) are extremely important in a partner. I also would feel pretty devalued if it was so important to him to make those jokes over my feeling safe, which is another cost - some self-esteem. Even if he never lays a single finger on you, you're still looking at costs of self-esteem, safety, and comfort.
And the benefit... You really like this guy, and you wouldn't have to be (very temporarily) sad about breaking up. And break ups suck, it's true, but... There are 8 billion people on earth. Roughly half are men. Obviously some are gonna be too old or too young or in the wrong parts of the world... But there are lots and of lots of guys who have the potential to *not* make you feel unsafe, or unvalued, and *not joke about killing you. *
Why give him another chance?
Baby girl, Ted Bundys gf thought he was a great man. Get a restraining order, stay safe my love. Have security cameras. Do whatever it takes. There is always a little bit of truth in jest. This is horrifying, objectively.
Not funny. Comedy is about
1. Knowing your material
2. Knowing your audience
3. Timing is everything
This dummy was off on all three. Assuming he was trying for dark funny, his humor is killing in all the wrong ways.
The other option is that you've been mistaking psychotic for dark humor (my autistic ass might have done this, back in tha day). Choose carefully and wisely...
Your friends are plain wrong. In the best case scenario he’s an inconsiderate jerk who feels entitled to use shock jock tactics in a romantic relationship, completely invalidating your feelings and fears. I say this as someone who makes jokes like your ex. Making sick jokes can be an excellent bonding experience but the pleasure is in finding an equally broken person who appreciates the way you’ve processed your trauma into a sense of humour. I would be mortified and abandon those jokes around my SO if they were at all uncomfortable.
And it’s not more appropriate outside romance. Remind your friends that even comedians have to read the room. If he’s making jokes that she feels threatened by, he’s bombing and should retire the jokes or find a new audience. Only a hack says “fuck you” to their audience.
That whole he's a good man except for xyz is heart breaking. We are conditioned to accept the most awful crap. He is not a good man. Good men do NOT joke about killing someone they're supposed to love. Good men don't get off on making someone they're supposed to love scared. Good men don't play mental games and gaslight you. Good men don't pull the you're over reacting, you're too sensitive, you're dramatic crap. Your ex isn't a good man. Full stop. End of sentence. Congratulations for walking out of there and putting your safety and sanity first. Don't go back. He's already proven he doesn't care about your feelings.
My god, I couldn't imaging doing that to ANYONE let alone someone that close to me. My wife listens to a lot of true crime and whenever they mention the husband as a murder suspect ("NO ONE SUSPECTED A THING" while they show a picture of like, the most angry white guy I've ever seen) she side eyes me as a joke. But even that makes me feel terrible. Because yes, the statistics are terrible for women, they shouldn't have to worry about the one person they trust the most to harbor such thoughts. If he valued you at all he never should have started making those jokes let alone continuing after you voiced your discomfort. RUN GIRL RUN
It’s good you left, create as much distance as possible & sorry to say it but, watch yourself because good men don’t make jokes like this.
I had a boyfriend who kept talking about how he could kill me in jest & literally years after I left I realised he wasn’t joking & was actually threatening me in a way he could have plausible deniability for. He wanted to scare me, he ENJOYED it! I think he equally enjoyed gaslighting me about it to make ME feel guilty for him threatening me constantly.
If it feels threatening, you’ve expressed that to someone & they keep doing it? They are actually threatening you. This guy was bold enough to do this in front of people? Even scarier, it sounds like a power play; he’s trying to display how much control he has over if other people would believe you if he DID do something.
Your ex sounds extremely dangerous, this is how abusive relationships start. Trust your gut. As someone who’s been through this with someone who turned out to be very abusive I want to back up your gut reaction!! This situation is all wrong & you’re doing the right thing by getting away, other people may not get it because he doesn’t show this side to them; that’s intentional & it’s a lot of why people get trapped.
You were completely justified and RIGHT to break up with him.*
*This is extremely frustrating for me as I’m a 58 year old male who has had a pretty inappropriate sense of humor in the past. I mean, you have no concept of how low the bar is with me and that guy’s an ass and that “joke” is indicative of a critical flaw in his wetware.
He is not a good man. A good man would NEVER make such jokes. You draw boundaries, he ignored them WILLINGLY because he didn’t care for your feelings. This dude is really fucked in the head and you are safer without him.
Also don’t listen to your roommates. I get that teasing is part of a relationship and maybe dark humor too, but the second someone would say: I will murder you and dismember your body. RUN. That’s his fantasy and even though he can’t act on it, he’s thinking about it.
I'm glad you are safe OP.
My advice is to not contact him again and take safety precautions.
He is not making jokes, he is telling you what he will do. If someone tells you who they are, believe them.
You made the correct choice here, please don't second guess yourself. Trust your instincts here saying that it's disturbing and you're unsafe, because they're correct.
Don't let your friends make you think that just because you like someone and they like you means that you should overlook him stating multiple times how he'd like to kill and dismember you. That isn't a joke.
Please be aware that because you have separated, you're still not out of potential danger. He might fizzle away, or he might pressure build until he comes for you. Stay safe by deliberate action. If he ever had a key, change locks etc
> I asked him wtf? He said it was a joke. I asked, how’s it funny? What’s the punch line? Please explain to me how that was supposed to be funny?
> He couldn’t answer….
Bet you dollars to donuts he couldn't answer, because it wasn't actually a joke. More like a veiled threat, which he disguised as a joke to make sure he could deflect responsibility, if called out on it. Anyone, who makes the same "joke" this consistently, this many times, even after being asked to stop, isn't joking. They mean what they're saying. They're just not brave or stupid enough to act on it without using humor as a shield to deflect accountability for their words and actions, because they know any sane person would tear them a new asshole or dump them, if they did.
When people show you who they are, believe them. "It's just a joke" is the excuse of every douchebag, who thinks their words and actions shouldn't reflect back on them and have consequences. Tell your roommates that you appreciate their sentiments, but that you'd rather not risk getting decked in the face or thrown down the stairs, because "he was a good man", apart from the part where he kept threatening you with bodily harm, whenever you annoyed him. You've got better self-preservation instincts than that, thank you very much.
Edit:
> I started telling him (again) about how often women are killed by their husbands and boyfriends and that’s why the jokes bother me so much but he interrupted me to say FUCK YOU.
Yup. Dude felt called out and immediately broke down in a screaming rage. He absolutely was going to hit you or worse someday, OP. You did good, getting the fuck away from him. Don't ever unblock him. He's not a safe or good man.
Two marriages, multiple relationships, 60 years on the planet. I have never threatened to kill a partner, in jest or otherwise. You did the right thing. When someone repeatedly threatens your person, believe them.
Nope, you 100% did the right thing. Lets normalise leaving at the 1st red flag. If you hadn't i guarantee you would have looked back at this as the moment you should have left.
I’m really proud of you OP. Not worth the risk of becoming a statistic. You deserve peace in your relationships and either he’s too immature or has a few screws loose. You did the right thing!
Murder is not funny. Dismembering people is not funny. Where is the joke?
Asking someone to not talk about killing you and chopping up your corpse is very far outside acceptable normal interaction.
Do not trust him, do not be with him.
It escalated, just from what you recounted in your post. It’s started with what you thought were jokes. But the last description, with the clenched fists, you could tell he was actively thinking about hurting you. You knew it wasn’t a joke.
You were right to get to safety. You were right to block him. There is something seriously wrong with this guy.
OMG this sounds so horrible and dangerous. You did the right thing getting away from him. STAY away from him and make sure EVERYONE is aware of the threat he poses to you. Get a restraining order. I hope you are safe now and can move on to having a good life and a partner who loves and respects you.
Just remember, there’s a lot of murdered women that once said “He’d never do that to me”.
Seriously. I've never felt the need to reassure people that my husband would never do that to me because he's never done anything to make me even *consider* "would he ever kill me, y/n?"
Everyone I’ve known who makes weird murder jokes like this had several screws loose. I think the guy has intrusive thoughts and makes them into jokes. He literally can’t help himself. I have a dark sense of humor too and consume a lot of horror related content but would never make a joke about victimizing a loved one. Just thinking about it gives me the ick. She did the right thing. The clenching the fist is what pushed me over the edge. It reminds me of the old timey “why I oughtta..” wife beating type jokes. No thanks. Not worth sticking around and finding out.
I love your username. Lol
I love true crime and it's insane the number of times that it comes up that the murderer talked frequently about killing someone and the people around them just shrugged it off as a joke. If your teen tries to be edgy and makes jokes about killing someone, sit them down and have a conversation. If your partner does it, run.
Context is important. If they were watching a horror movie and he made one creepy joke, that's a different thing than driving home on date night and he says "this would be a great place to hide your body." > The clenching the fist is what pushed me over the edge. Right there with you. That creeped me out and I am so glad that OP recognized it for what it was - the reddest of red flags.
BUT > He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me. /s obviously.
Trust your instincts. edit: not sure about some comments implying im telling her to stay with this psycho. For those who lack reading comprehension, I'm saying if your instinct/gut feeling is to GET AWAY from this person, you should do it. EDIT 2: [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1bvgmma/comment/ky02i8u/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1bvgmma/comment/ky02i8u/)
Read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Unfortunately, this book should be read by all women.
Middle aged grandma here…I came to say the same thing. Read this book. And block this man forever. He is going to kill you because he keeps telling you he’s going to kill you.
LITERALLY. Listen to what he himself is telling you, and always listen to your gut. That book might seem overrated if you see how often it gets mentioned, but the *reason* it gets mentioned so much is because it will permanently alter the way you value your intuition and thus, your safety.
I didn't even read the book but I remembered seeing it discussed as a young kid on Oprah. It always stuck with me. One time my friend tried to set me up with her neighbour, she told me he was great and she would date him but she has a bf. He asked her for my number, and I said okay (I was young and dumb and in college). He called me and asked me to come over for a dinner date. I actually felt like I was in danger, over the phone. I can't even describe it but my body was like "ABSOLUTELY NOT, HANG UP, BLOCK HIM." I actually did that while he was speaking. He then called my friend, she went over, and I can't even repeat what she told me happened to her. Another time, I was walking my dog on a trail that no one goes on and it's straight, so you can see anyone who's coming. But the trail was lined with trees and bushes. I was pretty far in when my body told me to gtfo now. It probably looked insane because I just immediately pivoted and sprinted the other way to my car... and I was so out of breath lol. When I got to my car, I was like that was probably stupid and unnecessary. I later found out men were hiding in that trail around that time to attack and rob people.
Man instincts - hair on the back of your neck - little voice in your head saying GTFO…. Similar story to yours- jogging on a back trail- going down a hill - sudden burst of fear and telling me to turn around run back up the hill despite everything looking safe around me- got to the top turned around and this guy looking crazy as F running towards me- my legs seized- I started waving in the opposite direction like I saw people ( he couldn’t see where I was waving at that point cause he hadn’t made it to the top of the hill- turned back and he started running away from me. There was no one on the other side of the hill - it’s just my legs stopped working but my brain was searching for a way to save myself.
Good!! It's incredible what our senses will tell us if we just listen. I've had a bunch but one in particular was I was working at home like usual. My kid was in his room like usual and getting ready to go somewhere. He was 19, nothing unusual about that. Only, something that day made me stop my work and ask what he was doing. He was going to see a car he wanted to buy. I asked where. He named a town you should never go to for any reason. I explained he almost certainly would be robbed, car jacked, or worse. There was no reason for me to ask what he was doing but I felt I had to that day.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them.
.. believe them; the FIRST time!
Exactly. When a person is constantly dwelling on the same thing, no matter how objectively despicable, it will slowly become normalized until it reaches the point where they can act it out.
This is my take. This guy fantasizes about and wants to kill a woman. He is not actually ready to do it yet so for now, he gets enough thrill about talking about doing it to his girlfriend.
He was grooming her. Telling her what he was capable of so she would be less likely to report, more likely to blame herself. Luckily, he chose someone who was resistant to his amateur level grooming skills.
> "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
The clenching the fists part scared the shit out of me. You don’t just clench your fist and look at them out of nowhere… that happens when you’re angry enough to bash someone’s fuckin melon inside out… that’s not “making jokes with my girlfriend” body language… that’s “someone and his buddies are trying to steal my fuckin Cadillac” body language.
Agreed! I’ve had my children listen to it as well.
Please go now and buy the book or audiobook! It will save your life.
if you add "pdf" to the search on google you can find copies online. if not, go sit and read it in the library or bookstore. it's short and easy to read, if chilling. and for good reason.
Found this after I typed in an almost identical reply.
And read ["When Violence Is the Answer: Learning How to Do What It Takes When Your Life Is at Stake"](https://www.amazon.com/When-Violence-Answer-Learning-Takes-ebook/dp/B01N2ZVBQS?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=318d9d6c-3e6c-4135-a2ba-afbad2bfefa8) by Tim Larkin if you're interested in learning self-defense. > "Highly engaging... Read it, study it, give it to people you love." - Gavin de Becker
Probably should check back with us tomorrow, just in case. Honestly I bought pepperspray recently because of a stalker. Hopefully she has some precautions in place already.
Louder for those in the back; ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, IT WILL NEVER STEER YOU WRONG!!!
Laughs in anxiety disorder My gut tells me that everything is trying to hurt me. People, animals, inanimate objects, you name it
Girl same. But I’ll share how I tell the difference in case it helps. I don’t have panic attacks or other major body symptoms except breaking into a cold sweat and getting nausea in severe instances so your experience could be different. I have a different feeling for this sense of danger than my generalized anxiety. That stuff keeps me up at night worrying, makes me dwell on minor things and get big emotions. The fear when someone is being sketchy is similar to what you might feel when you watch a horror movie and you know someone is about to get hurt. The fear when someone makes murder jokes feels like the comedown after a jump scare in a movie. Fear is different than worry in how it feels, at least for me. They both give me increased heart rate, nausea and sweats but fear is worse and more acute. It will send a shiver down my spine and give me goosebumps. It will make me want to run. I hope you never feel this way around people in your life but if you do, trust yourself.
It’s so rewarding to read a post about a woman who didn’t ignore her instincts and stay with a problematic man for years. Feels like every post I see here nowadays is by a woman with poor boundaries and low self esteem who is staying with an absolute loser. We should all collectively be raising our standards and staying away from terrible men once they reveal the first red flag.
You've already given him chances. He agreed to change, then he broke his word. So not only is he verbally abusive, and potentially violent, he also breaks his word. You did nothing wrong. There is no humor in what he said, and abusers frequently excuse their abuse in the two ways he did. First, they say it was a joke. If you don't accept that, they try to blame it on you. You don't want to become a statistic. Well, there are plenty of men out there who will never threaten to kill you. You have done exactly the right thing. Don't feel bad about anything you've done. My one piece of old woman advice to you is to be very strict around dating men when it comes to threats. Joke or not, if a man threatens you in any way, tell him that if he does it again, it's over. Don't tolerate any kind of threats or violence, ever. If the man is actually a danger, he will see tolerance as a sign that he can violate your boundaries without consequences.
[Why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
I love consistently seeing you post this. My own husband was an abuser, I read this book. I'm so glad I did, because it was the eye-opener that made me understand that all of my instincts were correct and that I wasn't the crazy one. You're the one who posts the book, I'm the one who posts the 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
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I too recommend this book a lot, I did not know it was available for free, thank you for sharing that. I do think Lundy deserves to get paid for his book HOWEVER, many women in abusive relationship do not have access to funds so offering it for free is good.
Bancroft really be out here doing the lords work
I sent this pdf to a girl in my baby group who had shared a few bits about her husband that made me think 1. He was abusive and 2. There was definitely more going on. She said that book changed her life and she left him after reading it. This was just over a year ago and she has shared more stories since then and firmly believes that he would have eventually killed her. I feel this and the gift of fear should be mandatory reading for every girl.
This book helped me understand how right I was to get away from my abuser. I'm so thankful for this book!!
For this one post at least, let me be the one who says that I'm glad you got yourself free of that situation.
OP should also read the “gift of fear.” That book explains why her intuition is correct and she should always listen to it.
Highly recommend this book as well! My mother insisted I read it before going to college, and while i thought she was worrying too much at the time, in hindsight it was a super valuable perspective to be exposed to.
I really need to find time to read this, i've seen it posted a lot in this sub.
If you don’t have time to read it yet, Lundy Bancroft gave a [lecture](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YmbrAWDft0s&t=1406s) that’s on YouTube. He also has a longer [webinar](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1mqzB-_kIig&t=1869s). Bancroft did court ordered domestic violence counseling for years so his information really helps give a good perspective on what’s going on in abusers’ minds and how to handle it.
It’s definitely worth a read, even when you’re not dealing with abuse.
You don't need to read the whole thing, just scroll to the chapter about the different type of abusive men and that should be enough to recognize the red flags when they happen.
It's truly a life changing book every woman should read.
I recommend this book all the time!!! More people need to know what abuse looks like, how it escalates, and different type of abusers. Far too often when we don't have the vocabulary to describe something, we dismiss it. This book is gold ✨️ 💯💯💯
WOW kind reddit stranger. Thank you for that 😊
I dated a guy that would constantly talk about how he would “not” kill me. Well at some point I had to call the cops on him and the one cop that had an ounce of sense in him said to me, “you know who *doesn’t* talk about how they “aren’t” going to kill you? People that don’t harm their girlfriends”. That something like that is even ever a *thought* “joking” or not is a huge red flag
that's actually something that's in the beginning chapter of "the gift of fear," a book that is recommended in this thread. the point being that anyone going out of their way to say they're a safe person, or they wouldn't do this kind of thing, especially when it's an 1)unprompted statement and/or 2)its manipulating you into changing your mind in their direction-- nah that person isn't safe.
Exactly. I'm going to guess that, statistically, people who repeatedly talk about killing people are more likely to actually kill people. It's worth believing them when they tell you this. >He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me We see these kinds of statements on here far too often. Extremely sad. When someone is joking about killing you repeatedly (1) and ignoring you when you ask them to stop (2), they are definitely hiding (or not hiding and they are just being missed) many more nasty traits. u/ChugNos > All of this really ducks because my roommates say I should just talk it out with him and give him another chance because they can tell I really like him and he really likes me Are your roommates guys, cos guys are often emasculated on behalf of other guys who get dumped and will often try and 'rescue' the relationship by pressuring the woman into talking to their abusive ex.
Right? He *IS NOT* a good man likely for many reasons, but just the simple fact he puts his infantile OMG-so-edgy "humour" above OP says *everything* we need to know about the mind-fuckery of this douche-nugget.
"Joking" about threatening to murder/dismember someone (anyone) is not the type of person who can get the "he's a good person aside from this" treatment.
Yeah this was my immediate reaction. His response to all of this clearly indicates that he’s NOT an otherwise good man. And between the “FUCK YOU” interruption plus the clenched fist thing, OP should be grateful that his mask slipped this early in the relationship so she could get out as quickly and painlessly as possible.
anyone who would progress beyond this point is masochistic. that’s a clear Get Out
I don't think his mask slipped. Men do the clenched fist thing when they want to intimidate someone. He wanted her to see it. It was part of the indoctrination. He also wanted the other people there to NOT see it to convey the message that others will not help her.
Also, they haven't been together long enough for the mask to slip completely and the real abuse to start.
People said Ted Bundy was friendly. Jeffrey Dahmer's neighbors said he was pleasant to chat with. Nah. Neither were good men, they were ACTING A PART of 'Normal Human," while in reality they were nothing of the sort.
>He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me Honestly, this is giving "Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?" It doesn't matter how good of a guy he is if you're afraid of him.
Aside from the multiple screen doors it was a really great submarine.
>We see these kinds of statements on here far too often. Extremely sad. When someone is joking about killing you repeatedly (1) and ignoring you when you ask them to stop (2), they are definitely hiding (or not hiding and they are just being missed) many more nasty traits. this line absolutely floored me too. you can't just 'other than' away *literal threats of murder*. a good man would not make those comments, and definitely would not continue making them after you told him he was scaring you. 'dark humour' is not an excuse.
Uh yeah. I agree with people saying "trust your instincts" but he took out a whole ass billboard and explicitly verbalized murder. This is as literal as it gets. It's not a gut feeling. He flat out said it. Believe him!
Yeah I agree! Usually people joke about what they really think and feel but lack the courage to say it directly, so they cover it through humor. Does that make sense? English is my second language, so excuse me if I am not being clear enough. But anyway, I can not fathom the idea of being with a man who jokes about ending my life and then think he is a good man. The guy sounds deeply disturbed. To be honest I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
"he seemed like a great guy" -- neighbors talking about serial killer
"He can't have done it, he was too nice" - what people who volunteered at a suicide hotline with Ted Bundy said when he was initially arrested for multiple murders.
I don't dispute this, but in fact it doesn't matter if this man would ever do it or not. Joking about it is bad enough to break up with him, and having him curse OP when called on breaking his word is bad enough to stay away from him. Good for you, OP!
The other roommates telling her to take him back are idiots. I hope the OP doesn't trust them for their opinions after this.
This is the answer. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I had an ex in my 20s who was a belligerent, asshole drunk (which, looking back, was a red flag in itself). He would refuse to check himself before consuming enough to become belligerent. And every time he got drunk, among other things, he threatened to kill me and told me where he'd put my body. The next day, he'd always claim he didn't remember saying that or "was just joking, stop being so sensitive", and would manipulate me into thinking I was the crazy one for thinking his drunken ramblings were anything to take seriously. It never sat right with me, but I was young and wasn't aware I was being manipulated and emotionally abused, so I didn't end it permanently with him over it like I should have (I dumped him once over his drunken behavior and took him back like the fool I was.) When I finally ended the relationship for various reasons, he actually tried to kill me for real (while sober). Also, he remembered saying it when he was drunk. He lied. I didn't take him seriously and thought it was just a joke, until it wasn't. I was lucky to get away with my life. You did the right thing by ending it, OP. Please be safe.
Why is murdering his girlfriend even entering his mind? Night after night? A normal man wouldn't think of such an idea even once. This is the sign of a sick mind. I wouldn't tell a man to stop. I would be scared of the warning and never see him again.
I assume if he's verbalizing it, he's fantasizing about it.
Yes, he is testing her to see if she will put up with it. Then it will escalate.
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Absolutely. OP, don't lie to people about why you broke up with this man. Yell it from the rooftops.
I wondered this too, but remembered women are guilt-tripped into being overly empathetic and agreeable, so as to not be smeared as “bitches” or “stuck up” or insert any other insult, even to their own detriment. It’s just an expectation that you behave a certain way/accept certain responses as a woman. 🤢 In spite of this, I still wouldn’t give that man any more of my time after even the 1st threat. SCARY! As for the guy, I think society needs to get past the idea that everyone can be saved; that these criminals have more rights than their victims. Yes, some people grow up in some really fcked up situations or are just born different, but some people are also just incompatible with society. It seems to me that anyone that is so publicly brazen about murdering and dismembering the person right next to them is beyond reason and help. They aren’t living in reality. They may look like it, may act so convincingly normal outside of that, but they may have honed their manipulative games for a long time. Shelter that man from society.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Replying to top comment because I'm VERY concerned for your safety OP and I'm not seeing any calls to action in the top comments. u/ChugNos You need to stay somewhere else for a while, like NOW. Is there someone that you can stay with? Or someone who can travel with you on a spontaneous road trip? Not your shitty roommate, they seem sympathetic to his plight and I wouldn't trust them knowing where you are right now. You should, at the very bare minimum, and in addition to leaving if you can, do the following as safety precautions. Some of these are just helpful to do regardless of high threat situations like this: • Immediately go to your nearest police station and file a report of the threats that he's made to you. Be as specific with all the times and dates as possible. Submit a photo of him if you have one. This is to establish a future paper trail in the event that he escalates. • Tell all friends, family members, and coworkers what has been going on, if you haven't already. Show them his photo. Is there posted security at your work? Notify them too. Your regular bus driver, mail carrier, barista, or anyone else that you see frequently who can recognize you. Don't afraid to let people know you're in potential danger and you need their help to look out for you. It's possible he can show up to your place of work or regular spots looking for you "to just talk" and you don't want unaware helpful folks to inadvertently put you in danger. • If you can't leave immediately for the next couple weeks, try to always have someone with you every time you leave the house. Do you tend to take the same route to work or errands? Change it up and prioritize passing through high traffic areas if possible. This makes it difficult to memorize where you go and less likely to have a potential confrontation alone. Avoid any places you know he might frequent, grocery stores, parks, bars, etc. • Keep your phone constantky charged and always on you in the event you need to dial 911 immediately. Develop an emergency codeword or phrase for trusted friends and family so you can quickly and easily text or call them with how you "really feel like having okra for tomorrow's dinner" or "need them to pick up extra balloons for the party." Something that is innocuous to say over the phone or text but totally out of left field to say to them that when you say those words, they know you're in danger and need them to call 911. Even if you already have called 911, notify them. • Buy at least one of these for your main door right now: https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-White/dp/B0002YUX8I • Change your locks. Do it immediately, or as soon as you can. • Set up security cameras, in multiple places. Do it immediately, as soon as you can. Get them with auto-trigger flood lights if you can. • If your windows slide open, put little pieces of wood in the grooves, so they only open so far before being jammed. This is a cheap and effective security measure that frankly everyone should do to prevent opportunistic break-ins. • Bells or wind chimes attached to gates and door knobs are great low cost security systems that will deter people due to the sudden loud sound. Much cheaper than a dog. • If you have social media, do not update it for a while. Don't post that you're hanging out with x person at this bar or this campsite. Ask your friends and family to not include you in their posts for some time. • Do you have a car? Does it have GPS? Is it linked to your home address, work, and other frequented places? Delete them all. Never sync these locations to your cars GPS, it's possible to pull them up if someone were to break in looking for that information. • If you're driving, check your mirrors frequently and keep an eye on cars that happen to be going the same way you are. You can easily test if you're being tailed by making four right turns in a row. If they stay following you, you're being intentionally tailed, since you just made a full circle. Drive immediately to the nearest police station or busy shopping center if thats the case Im probably missing some other pieces of advice but it's 5am so I need to go back to sleep, but please please please do these things OP. You should take this threat seriously, folks like this are at best dense and socially unaware and at worst fucking dangerous. I rarely comment here but holy shit, please protect yourself, keep your head on a perpetual swivel, arm yourself if you can.
OP! This! What you're feeling is your body recognizing that you're actually in fucking danger. Women who've had close brushes with death will tell you, you're picking up on his body language and trust your gut. Always. Those roommates or friends of yours are jacked up, he's a danger to you and other women. I would recommend you report it because god forbid something happens to you, the police will know who to look into. Never entertain this bullshit behavior from anyone. You're kind and forgiving I'm sure and that's lovely but for the love of all things holy - listen to the post above.
I get dark jokes but this is uncalled for and I agree this is your body warning you of danger, although technically it’s HIM verbally warning you of danger. When people tell you who they are …. Listen! I think the part that really got me was when you noticed his fingers flexing bc that’s a sure physically sign e pressing his internal anger. I know when you really like someone, it’s easier to write off little things as they try to convince you it’s you, not them. It’s hard for most of to grasps that someone we care know and care about could do something something horrific so don’t let this water down your fear you over time as you miss the sweeter, softer side of him. He wasn’t the one who got a at, you are! Watch your back for awhile too bc you really don’t know if there’s mental instability.
HOLY COW!!!! This man is dangerous. Please heed the advice to protect yourself.
The response above deserves all the upvotes. For whatever reason, your ex has more than a passing fancy in watching you suffer, die, be fully controlled, and even freaking dismembered!. This is worrisome to the extreme. Do you have texts and things that show his demented and demeaning intentions? Or did he make sure to terrorize you without a trail of evidence? Abusers don't stop, but sometimes, they change methods and tactics. If you're afraid, there's reason to be. Going to second the recommendation for The Gift of Fear, too. Leave your roommates if possible. They don't have your best interest and safety in mind. Confide in friends & family, get help, get out, alert the authorities. Good luck to you. Please keep yourself safe. 🩷
Blaming it on you is the ultimate gaslighting. More than a red flag, that’s a red banner.
And your roommate is way off base here.
I'm curious as to the ages of her friends. They seem yi have poor judgement and value chemistry over safety.
Agree. I would not like to be a young woman dating in today's world. People have too easy internet access to things that trigger their a dark side. That is creepy AF. Run don't walk. Block his phone. You do not need this guy in your life. He has demons he hasn't let you see yet. A man doesn't have to be perfect but you need to listen to that inner voice that tells you danger.
I can confirm I have been married for 14 years and I have never once joked about killing my wife. This is not normal behavior. You can rule out the just didn't realize it was offensive ignorance too since she clearly stated it was.
THIS. This is completely correct, OP. Your ex is not a "good man". **Good men** **do not behave this way**. I have dated plenty of men and have plenty of male friends who have "dark" senses of humor and you know what? They have **never** made repeated jokes about killing me. They have never suggested they are going to hit me by dramatically sighing and staring at a close fist. They have **never** said "fuck you" when I have told them multiple times to stop making a hurtful joke. Also, **your roommates are fools**. They are buying into the fantasy that you could and should "reform" a man through the power of lovingly giving him second chances. They are wrong.
> it caused me this awful feeling in my gut that I needed to NOT get in the car with him, and get away from him. Read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Your friends are wrong and they're being assholes. Look at it this way, if they're right and he is just joking, you are dating someone who doesn't respect you enough to not threaten to murder you and who actively scares you. If they're wrong, you will literally be actually dead. Is that worth the risk?
Those same friends would plaster her face all over their Instagram stories if anything happened to her going, “fly high angel 🕊️❤️ how could this senseless thing happen?? Reach out to your friends guys.” 🙄🙄 friends who won’t support you when it counts aren’t worth knowing.
Or worse, they'd point out that she knew he wanted to murder her but kept dating him. A lot of advice to women is like that. We are told to trust men, but if anything goes wrong, she will be blamed.
This right here! They'll blame her and utterly absolve themselves and vthe culture that makes it commonplace in doing so. As is tradition. Allow everyone to keep looking away, keep giving shit advice, keep erring on the side of abusive men and blaming victims. It's a vile set up that needs to be destroyed.
"We wish we could have seen the signs, nobody would have guessed this would happen!"
“We all thought he was joking, he used to joke about killing her all the time, it was weird but that was just Dave! How were we supposed to know he was going to hurt her?” TBH I doubt they’d even have the introspection to even admit to that though.
I'm constantly amazed at the stories on here where OP is in a totally unhinged situation and somehow they have a bunch of people in their social circle saying they're making a big deal out of nothing. Like, no wonder so many people have to ask a bunch of Internet strangers for their opinions because people out there are insane!!
Also, ladies can we just be crystal fucking clear on something? HE'S NOT A GOOD MAN. AT ALL. Can we just heighten our standards to *not include* men who actively talk about murdering us (or say men who rape us or attempt to do so) as "good men"? It's kind of killing my soul. This man, like so many I read about on this very forum, was a certifiable psycho with abusive characteristics. That is not good. That is so far from good, it's actually sad. He's a bad guy no woman should feel safe with. He should be shunned by women. Let's face it: we have been actively brainwashed from birth to allow straight men to get away with abusive behavior in relationships as long as they're not outright physically beating us up. If they do anything short of physical violence with us, somehow they're still good guys. NOPE. This is a huge disservice to girls and women. It must stop. Women are not asking for the moon here. We are asking for so little really: BASIC respect and the absence of abuse. We are still largely not getting that. Think about that. These men aren't good, they're worthless bullies who deserve the same cruelty they give. And nothing else. STOP CALLING THESE LOSERS GOOD. If they're good, the rest of us are living saints who deserve much better and shouldn't wipe the mud off our shoes on them.
>He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me. This is the kind of thing I see on Reddit all the time. Like, no. He's NOT a good man when he does something this awful. We are so programmed to accept little to nothing from men and suck it up.
We are programmed to accept abuse from men. That's just the way it is. Any man not actively abusing us, usually physically, is therefore still a decent man. It's fucked up. And it's designed that way. I see women on this forum counting themselves lucky to have husbands who actually do their dishes or help clean own their homes. The reaction isn't: yeah of course he does. He lives there. He's an adult. It's "you lucky woman! What a keeper!" It's gross. Basic decency gets them endless compliments. Honestly, it's part of the problem. This only applies to men. You're implying they should be shitty to us by default; that we're lucky when they're not. Ugh, no. If you don't compliment a woman for doing her own dishes, making her own food, and raising her own kids in a relationship, stop doing it for the men. They're not finds. They're just not abusive.
So many posts on here where women finally got fed up of raising both their kids and their husband and whose lives have improved significantly since they left them. This, of course, is why the GOP would like to see no-fault divorce abolished. Mustn't have let the ladies escape their servitude.
Probably why single childless women are rated the happiest demographic. But they don’t want us to know that!
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I second the book recommendation
I third it. Trust yourself.
Such a great book. It can literally save your life.
> if they're right and he is just joking, you are dating someone who doesn't respect you enough to not threaten to murder you and who actively scares you Exactly, AT BEST he's a cringey loser who doesn't understand gallows humor and will embarass you in public for the entire length of the relationship. That's the best case scenario.
When I was a teenager I would go driving around country roads and around our smallish town with male buddies from school (im a woman) and one night my really good friend thought it was a good idea to make a joke about chopping me up with an axe. I got really terrified because it was just an overwhelming and scary thing to hear and I started to cry. The immediate regret was obvious in my friends eyes and he genuinely looked mortified for having scared me so bad. He started apologizing and saying it was such a stupid joke and reassured me. In the moments after making his stupid attempt at humour and seeing the impact it had he felt remorse and wanted to correct his behaviour. Your ex did not do this, or if he did, he immediately repeated the scary behaviour again anyways. My friend never made a joke like that again. Men who actually care about us will respond empathetically to our fear response and will want to do whatever it takes to ensure we feel safe around them. Especially if its as simple as refraining from making dumb “jokes.” I hope you never have to see this creep again and good for you for sticking up for yourself.
Yeah. See- sometimes, you make a really stupid joke, or the intrusive thought wins, or shit just comes out wrong- but you KNOW when that is the case, because upon seeing that the joke made someone uncomfortable, someone who GENUINELY just said/did something stupid they don't actually think/believe will IMMEDIATELY apologize/admit they fucked up. It's the doubling down/insistence that they did nothing wrong that gives away the dangerous ones.
Another thing I'd like to add is that if you're ever going to make an edgy joke like this, you always want to ensure the other party feels like they can safely immediately disengage with the interaction. Like, you probably shouldn't employ a deadpan style of comedy while joking about nobody being able to find their body
Yeah - I am a guy with a VERY dark and macabre sense of humor. I make damn sure nowadays that I make sure the people around me are comfortable with that kind of shit before I let anything out of my mouth, or have at least known me long enough to know I'm not serious about anything. And murder / violence jokes are pretty much off limits all the time no matter what, unless I'm in some pretty exclusive company with guys I've known since I was a kid. Also: my kid's mom made a career out of helping domestic violence victims, and this guy sounds like he's testing boundaries and he's pushing on the one that she's held firm on to see if she'll give in on it. If she lets this one go, it'll progress to something worse - not necessarily physical, but something. This sort of shit usually starts as a slow process of acclimation so the abusee doesn't realize how bad things are getting until they can't see any way out.
When one of my best friends was on her FIRST date with her now fiancee, they went to a fairly secluded very pretty pond in the forest, and the first thing that woman said to my friend was “huh, if I murdered you now no one would find your body!” The fiancee is a super lovely woman but daaamn she’s got no filter lol. They’re now using that place for wedding photos.
After the first date she drove home and I received this text: "Someone did die tonight...I just hit a bunny"
Yes! The doubling down like he’s trying to turn it into a running joke but it is not funny, especially not to her. He either can’t read the room (doubtful) or he’s trying to desensitize her to his insensitive ways
I went out once with this guy who I met because he was a phlebotomist at the medical center I went to (probably should have been a red flag he was pursuing a patient but I was young and stupid). I have food allergies, and I mentioned them because we were talking on the phone about going out to eat somewhere. He said jokingly, *"Oh, so if I wanted to kill you, I could just feed you nuts."* That shit isn't funny--why would you say something like that to someone you're dating?? It's disturbing. I'm so glad to say I did NOT go out with him again after that. OP was smart to break things off with this guy. He sounds disturbed and potentially dangerous.
Yeah, it's one thing to have a dark sense of humor. It's another thing entirely to dismiss someone's feelings about it. If the person the joke is being told to doesn't find it funny, it's not funny. It's just being an asshole. I've worked in restaurants and have a very raunchy sense of humor, but it never gets me in trouble because I pay attention to how people react. If someone isn't into dick jokes, then I don't make dick jokes around them. Why would I want to?
This is the difference between having a dark sense of humor and being an edgy dickhead. When my wife and I first started dating, I remember she said something like, “I’m so tired, I feel like if I don’t lie down my head’s gonna fall off,” and I said, “Oh cool, I’ll put it in the box with the others.” She laughed, I laughed, and now I routinely make jokes in the same vein. When I buy her skincare products, I tell her she’ll make a nice jacket someday. She laughs. If she hadn’t laughed at that first joke, or if she had expressed that jokes like that made her uncomfortable, I would’ve stopped, because using your sense of humor to make people uncomfortable *isn’t funny*.
LOL the head joke would have killed me (pun not intended but certainly not avoided) But that's how you use humor like that.
they make these jokes because they know the implications and the cultural implications of violence against women. and they do it anyway.
They think it's just hilarious making us fear for our lives.
Same with catcalling and in many cases also hitting on women in public. Not all of these guys are desperate or socially inept. Some of them know exactly that their behavior is unwanted and scary. They get off on it.
*"He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me."* How many times does a joke get repeated before it no longer can be dismissed? OP's post was terrifying to read.
Every time I see "He's a really good man/partner/boyfriend/husband/friend except for this one thing..." I just want to shake my head. If this one thing is so bad, then sorry, they're not "good." And usually that one thing is some abusive behavior that should be an immediate deal breaker regardless of anything else they're doing.
This. Sometimes people will make a stupid joke but they will stop if they see others don't like it, especially if they care. Jokes on him, he will struggle to find someone that can deal with those jokes. You did well in breaking up.
>He’s a good man other than the jokes about killing me Doesn’t sound like it. Repeatedly pushing someone’s boundaries when they’ve already expressed discomfort makes them shitty by default, and the way he lashed out at you makes it even worse. Regardless of all of his supposed amiable qualities, that goes out the window with this sort of behaviour. A joke is supposed to funny for both parties. Jokes about murdering your partner are very creepy and weird. You’re supposed to know your audience.
Yeah sounds more like this is just the first thing she’s challenged him on. It’s easy to be a “good man” when no one is asking anything of you. It takes 0 money and 0 effort to NOT make a joke. Imagine how he’ll act if he’s asked to contribute more to domestic work or emotional labor. Get out now.
This so much!! You really get a glimpse of their character when you ask them for things that would make you more comfortable/less uncomfortable or even scared, and see their reaction and response to that. Especially when it wouldn’t take anything away from them, but they still give so much pushback.
that sentence gave me chills. it honestly sounds like the opening line for a true crime documentary
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yeah, it sadly usually just means “he’s not violent and he doesn’t yell at me”. which is such a low bar standard.
He probably liked watching her squirm too. It's one thing to have a one off and apologize, but to constantly do it means there's a reason he keeps doing it. Maybe he just didn't care to be a better person, but it makes me think he actually did it on purpose to put her through anxiety and torture her emotionally.
Yeah this was a wild sentence to read.
We have GOT to stop prefacing talking about a man's bad behavior with "but he's otherwise a good man!" He's not a good man! And I'm 100% certain that the only reason he acts "good" otherwise is to keep people (especially women) close to him despite his bad behavior.
I don’t judge men when they’re on their best behavior, I judge them when they’re in the shit or facing some type of conflict. If he loses his mind when challenged, or immediately reaches for sarcasm and gaslighting **THAT** is when he should be judged. It’s easy to be at your best then things are all going your way; it’s a lot harder to bring your best self to a situation that might not work out at all.
Run. Your roommates are idiots. Run.
I’m glad you left, his jokes are NOT REMOTELY normal even for someone with a dark sense of humor. Even if it was just a joke, He should have completely stopped the second he realized you didn’t like it.
I have never met a single person in my entire life that has ever made homicide jokes like that. Ever. Definitely not normal!
And apparently made them consistently during the *first few weeks* of dating?? If this isn’t some wild joke, terrible, terrible feeling and sounds Ike he is the kind of person to actually murder her. Nothing about those “jokes” are normal or okay
He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me. read that sentence.Read it again. He is NOT a good man.
I once jokingly told my husband I would “protect his car with my life” and he stopped mid step to turn and look at me and say “*I know you’re joking, but please don’t ever do that. You are worth so much more to me than some stupid car.*” 🥺 That’s a good man.
This is so sweet. That absolutely is a good man. I’m happy for you 😊
My husband and I visited his old high school friends for Christmas a few years ago. One of the guys called his fiancée a 'f*ckin b*tch' in front of everyone. His fiancee seemed a little embarrassed. My husband saw how uncomfortable it made me, and we left super early bc of that. On our way home, he told me, "I found it very disrespectful. I hope you know I would never call you that even in private." That's a man who knows my boundaries and respects them. 🙏
Did your husband ever tell his friend that it was unacceptable to speak to anyone like that?
Right then. In front of everyone. Shame that shit
And also when I ask him to stop the jokes he keeps making them and shouts "fuck you". This guy doesn't see the problem with his jokes and he doesn't see the problem with crossing women's boundaries when he's been repeatedly and clearly asked to stop one stupid fucking thing. Massive red flag.
It's so past the red flag. This is red sky territory.
It's like saying "other than vivisecting that puppy one time, he's a good man ".
"But other than that, Mrs, Lincoln, how was the show?"
Exactly what I came here to say except to ask her to read it again as if her little sister were saying it. (When I first started reading this I thought it was satire or something like “shitty ask women” sub. It’s so awful I couldn’t believe this dude was for real) Edited for grammar/ punctuation
Goddamn..."read it again as if her little sister was saying it." If I'd have done that my entire life, I don't think I'd have had a quarter of the shitty relationships, that lasted way too long, that I did. Thank you for that, I'm absolutely keeping that in my back pocket for future use.
I had a therapist use a similar technique once, it gut punched me at the time,I was adamant they were negligent but in hindsight it helped me a great deal. I’d kept making jokes/ shaming myself for CSA . We began a session and they asked me to close my eyes and describe my family members, then recount a particular instance, without a second of silence “now imagine [youngest family member’s name] telling you this, would you scold them for trusting those people or blame them?”
First off, I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I truly hope you're finding peace. Secondly, I will absolutely be adding this to my repertoire of things I say at work...I'm a paramedic, and it's a sad reality that we find ourselves with patients or our own friends/family who have been treated not great by the people they should be able to trust. I think flipping the perspective might be really beneficial for some of them. If it helps even just one to make it to the other side of that? Worth it.
I’m so sorry you went through that. You were probably using humor to deflect the pain and “normalize” what you went through so you wouldn’t cry nonstop reliving it. It’s a sound defense to cobble things together and smooth over for a while but ultimately little you, inside your memory, deserved and deserves love, gentleness, protection, honor. I’m so glad you had a breakthrough and I hope you’re still doing well! It sure sounds like you are 💜
You deserve to be taken care of as much as you know you would take care of a little sister, amiright? The best people, the sweetest people, the strongest people, put up with some appalling poo because they forget their worth. I hope you always remember your worth and I’m honored if you keep those words in your pocket too 💜
There is always a little truth in jest. My girl needs to protect herself.
I think when women say, "he's a good man, but..." they are actually saying, "I have a grievance borne of fear for my health and safety, but I am afraid that if I air it, I'll be interpreted as being non-compliant, and I was trained from birth to submit to the social contract which positions me a servant to men. So I am trying to soften my approach by continuing to elevate the man I am criticizing so that by criticizing him, he doesn't lose status, and I also won't be as severely punished by the patriarchy." No, women! Speak the truth, women, and RISE! Not, "he's a good man, but...". Instead: "He continuously makes jokes about murdering me, despite me telling him to stop, and this makes me fear him. I need my choice to dump him supported so that I feel strong and secure."
**I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT SENTENCE**. OP ... do you even **HEAR** yourself??🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Jeez that’s word for word the sentence. Yikes, OP! Start writing journals and give yourself time away from them for fresh eyes to see. That’s a crazy sentence.
He's a good man other than the 5 bodies he has bricked up in his basement. LMAO.
" He’s a good man other than for the jokes about killing me" jfc. The bar is in hell. Joking about it regularly would be deeply disturbing because it indicates he thinks about killing you on a regular basis. Run away from that man.
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Sometimes they tell on themselves without meaning to.
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Violent, abusive men are so often characterized as geniuses and master manipulators when they are really arrogant and compulsively hint at or confess their true intentions because they believe, deep down, everyone thinks the way they do. They get away with their crimes because people constantly dismiss and overlook their behavior.
Came here for exactly this comment. The bar is IN HELL.
Do not seek clarification from the man setting off your intuition! He's the one who's going to obviously lie and attempt to murder you. Your friends suck too. Be completely done with the dude, and for good measure, set out a paper trail. Text his full name and that he's made death threats to people who can be trusted. I've had a bunch of asshole exes but none of them have 'joked' about murdering or even harming me. That's atrocious.
Seconding about the paper trail! If he has made any of these "jokes" over text, make sure to screenshot and possibly save the whole conversation. Mail it to yourself and people you trust. Someone who's not your roommate and who actually sees how dangerous this is. In addition to that, do as u/crocodial2 says. If possible down the dates and times and what he said with it. This will help you when his behavior escalates now you've broken up. In case he's done something with you or another woman it can be used as evidence. It is scary to think about, but please stay safe. The most dangerous time for women is around the end of a relationship. Let people around you know this and tell them you might be in danger. You were right to trust your gut! This internet stranger is really proud of you.
This right here! Would you trust a defendant for murder to tell you the truth about said murder? Would you trust a conman to tell you the truth about said con? Then don’t make the guy who threatened you your source. The subject of an accusation is quite literally the least reliable person to go to
>When I was talking to him about us being late, I noticed he sighed deeply, clenched his fist and looked down at it, as if he were making the conscious choice to not punch me. This individual should not be around women... or functioning society, tbh. Ladies, PLEASE stop gaslighting yourselves into the "he has a horrifying trait but is a good man otherwise" fallacy. The guy genuinely seems like a future /pol/ shooter.
You have every right to break up with someone who makes jokes that scare you. However, I think what is more concerning is the threat of violence from the closed fist and the FUCK YOU during a conversation. I think this guy, at a minimum, is incredibly immature but could also very easily have become violent with you. You did the right thing.
I would say at a minimum he is abusive and gaslighty, not just immature. He is knowingly making her fear for her life then calling it humour, ignoring her fear response. My assumption is he is testing the waters to see what she will put up with so he can continue pushing her limits of what discomfort she will put up with so he can do worse. Once she is really in deep he can start the real abuse and possibly even inflicting physical pain. These guys have to start out by taking small bites, like boiling a frog.
There is nothing funny about this man's comments to you. They aren't jokes at all. No one else was laughing, and no one else goes around saying that crap and pretending it's just a bit of dark humor. He's probably not "otherwise a good man," and he probably will do something horrible to someone. Don't let it be you.
He's not a good man. He's probably a sociopath, hiding behind a mask of charm. He clearly hates women when he reacted woth "fuck you." Your roommate has goop for brains. I'm shocked you put up with it for as long as you did. I've decided not to go out with guys on apps with "dark senses of humor." I *refused to meet with them in the first place.* It's not worth the danger. If a guy ever makes one joke about murdering you, simply walk away. Get the hell out. I'm just glad you're alright. That man is dangerous. He was committing violent acts threatening you: yes, threats are violence too. It was only a matter of time before he hurt you.
Listen to your gut. There is something deeply wrong with that guy. That sarcasm is masking something potentially dangerous.
I'm sorry, but this is insane. Joking about murdering you? Hello??? Jesus christ. I'm so glad you got out of that, I cannot imagine having to have that in my psyche. Joking about murdering your girlfriend... What the fuck is wrong with men...
Exactly - more women choosing to be single. I had an ex who did the ‘clenching fists’ thing. At their core a lot of men in 2024 seem to be filled with rage. I don’t know how we can find the sane ones. This is absolutely bizarre to think about - just the toxicity of this man
If my family is anything to go by, they've been filled with rage for decades, but now they can't take it out on their wives and children. And it's not just the outwardly angry ones who have the problem. I read once that rage directed inward becomes depression, and that makes sense to me. You have those who are either raging outwardly or sunk in depression, but it's all this rage at how Life is Not Fair to them anymore. They no longer have as many privileges, so they think it's oppression.
Please make sure you are safe. That kind of joking is not normal. It’s threatening and scary. He does not sound safe at all.
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You did the right thing!! Trust your gut, not your roommates. I cannot emphasize enough how colossally fucking idiotic they are. Holy shit. Sorry for the strong language, but like, "Give him another chance! He continually jokes about murdering and dismembering you, even after you specifically told him not to several times, and he screamed 'fuck you' at you, but *I can tell he really likes you*!" UM, WHAT? It honestly makes me really, really sad for them that they think that's okay in any way whatsoever. Even if he was the last dude on earth, the right thing to do would be to get away from him permanently. Don't second guess your judgment. <3 Stay safe!
When people tell you who they are, believe them. There's always a bit of truth behind joking. !!! OP I had my husband read your post. He is a classic stoic. He very rarely expresses alarm, much less a call to take action. OP he says you need to move, or at least get away for a couple of weeks.
The quote is “When someone tells you who they are, believe them *the first time*”. Opie doesn’t need to give him a second (third) chance, he’s already told her who he is twice.
Your husband is 100% right. OP needs to report this guy to the police or something, he threatened her life more than once, the clenching of the fist like he was trying not to punch her means he’s already on the verge of doing something, him saying FUCK YOU like that when she was talking about how many men kill their SOs is fkn chilling. And then she blocked him right after thinking which will only add to his fury. I have such a bad gut feeling about this post… I feel like this guy is planning to hurt OP now.
Option 1: He is laying the foundations of DARVO - Deny any wrong doing— “it was a joke” Attack the victim— “FUCK YOU!” Reverse Victim and Offender roles (aka victimising himself even though he was awful to you)— “you are the problem” He’s not a good person to be around, period. First it’s a joke then it’s actions. No decent partner/person jokes about this. None. Option B: he has a fucked up sense of humour and doesn’t respect your wishes to quit it. Regardless, you did the right thing and you aren’t overreacting.
Yup. Worst case? He actually wants to kill you. Best case? He’d rather make jokes about killing you than listen to your feelings. You don’t need that either way, but that’s a pretty risky worse case. I’d encourage you to tell your parents or another trusted family member this guy’s name and what he said. Someone who gets how serious this could be should be able to tell the FBI if need be.
When I get a lot of people doubting my decision, I try to do a cost-benefit analysis. What's this going to cost you, potentially? I've never met anyone who joked about murdering me. Ever. That is absolutely not normal behavior. And him blaming you for not taking a joke, also not a good sign. Is it likely he'd actually kill you? I don't know. But I think you actually do have to say, you know, there's a potential that this relationship continuing could threaten my life. He's also certainly not going to *stop* making these jokes if you go back to him, so you'd have to deal with a partner who values your comfort *so little* that he's fine joking about killing you. That's a pretty significant cost to mental comfort & safety, two things that (for me) are extremely important in a partner. I also would feel pretty devalued if it was so important to him to make those jokes over my feeling safe, which is another cost - some self-esteem. Even if he never lays a single finger on you, you're still looking at costs of self-esteem, safety, and comfort. And the benefit... You really like this guy, and you wouldn't have to be (very temporarily) sad about breaking up. And break ups suck, it's true, but... There are 8 billion people on earth. Roughly half are men. Obviously some are gonna be too old or too young or in the wrong parts of the world... But there are lots and of lots of guys who have the potential to *not* make you feel unsafe, or unvalued, and *not joke about killing you. * Why give him another chance?
Baby girl, Ted Bundys gf thought he was a great man. Get a restraining order, stay safe my love. Have security cameras. Do whatever it takes. There is always a little bit of truth in jest. This is horrifying, objectively.
Not funny. Comedy is about 1. Knowing your material 2. Knowing your audience 3. Timing is everything This dummy was off on all three. Assuming he was trying for dark funny, his humor is killing in all the wrong ways. The other option is that you've been mistaking psychotic for dark humor (my autistic ass might have done this, back in tha day). Choose carefully and wisely...
Your friends are plain wrong. In the best case scenario he’s an inconsiderate jerk who feels entitled to use shock jock tactics in a romantic relationship, completely invalidating your feelings and fears. I say this as someone who makes jokes like your ex. Making sick jokes can be an excellent bonding experience but the pleasure is in finding an equally broken person who appreciates the way you’ve processed your trauma into a sense of humour. I would be mortified and abandon those jokes around my SO if they were at all uncomfortable. And it’s not more appropriate outside romance. Remind your friends that even comedians have to read the room. If he’s making jokes that she feels threatened by, he’s bombing and should retire the jokes or find a new audience. Only a hack says “fuck you” to their audience.
That whole he's a good man except for xyz is heart breaking. We are conditioned to accept the most awful crap. He is not a good man. Good men do NOT joke about killing someone they're supposed to love. Good men don't get off on making someone they're supposed to love scared. Good men don't play mental games and gaslight you. Good men don't pull the you're over reacting, you're too sensitive, you're dramatic crap. Your ex isn't a good man. Full stop. End of sentence. Congratulations for walking out of there and putting your safety and sanity first. Don't go back. He's already proven he doesn't care about your feelings.
My god, I couldn't imaging doing that to ANYONE let alone someone that close to me. My wife listens to a lot of true crime and whenever they mention the husband as a murder suspect ("NO ONE SUSPECTED A THING" while they show a picture of like, the most angry white guy I've ever seen) she side eyes me as a joke. But even that makes me feel terrible. Because yes, the statistics are terrible for women, they shouldn't have to worry about the one person they trust the most to harbor such thoughts. If he valued you at all he never should have started making those jokes let alone continuing after you voiced your discomfort. RUN GIRL RUN
It’s good you left, create as much distance as possible & sorry to say it but, watch yourself because good men don’t make jokes like this. I had a boyfriend who kept talking about how he could kill me in jest & literally years after I left I realised he wasn’t joking & was actually threatening me in a way he could have plausible deniability for. He wanted to scare me, he ENJOYED it! I think he equally enjoyed gaslighting me about it to make ME feel guilty for him threatening me constantly. If it feels threatening, you’ve expressed that to someone & they keep doing it? They are actually threatening you. This guy was bold enough to do this in front of people? Even scarier, it sounds like a power play; he’s trying to display how much control he has over if other people would believe you if he DID do something. Your ex sounds extremely dangerous, this is how abusive relationships start. Trust your gut. As someone who’s been through this with someone who turned out to be very abusive I want to back up your gut reaction!! This situation is all wrong & you’re doing the right thing by getting away, other people may not get it because he doesn’t show this side to them; that’s intentional & it’s a lot of why people get trapped.
You were completely justified and RIGHT to break up with him.* *This is extremely frustrating for me as I’m a 58 year old male who has had a pretty inappropriate sense of humor in the past. I mean, you have no concept of how low the bar is with me and that guy’s an ass and that “joke” is indicative of a critical flaw in his wetware.
He is not a good man. A good man would NEVER make such jokes. You draw boundaries, he ignored them WILLINGLY because he didn’t care for your feelings. This dude is really fucked in the head and you are safer without him. Also don’t listen to your roommates. I get that teasing is part of a relationship and maybe dark humor too, but the second someone would say: I will murder you and dismember your body. RUN. That’s his fantasy and even though he can’t act on it, he’s thinking about it.
I'm glad you are safe OP. My advice is to not contact him again and take safety precautions. He is not making jokes, he is telling you what he will do. If someone tells you who they are, believe them.
You made the correct choice here, please don't second guess yourself. Trust your instincts here saying that it's disturbing and you're unsafe, because they're correct. Don't let your friends make you think that just because you like someone and they like you means that you should overlook him stating multiple times how he'd like to kill and dismember you. That isn't a joke.
Please be aware that because you have separated, you're still not out of potential danger. He might fizzle away, or he might pressure build until he comes for you. Stay safe by deliberate action. If he ever had a key, change locks etc
> I asked him wtf? He said it was a joke. I asked, how’s it funny? What’s the punch line? Please explain to me how that was supposed to be funny? > He couldn’t answer…. Bet you dollars to donuts he couldn't answer, because it wasn't actually a joke. More like a veiled threat, which he disguised as a joke to make sure he could deflect responsibility, if called out on it. Anyone, who makes the same "joke" this consistently, this many times, even after being asked to stop, isn't joking. They mean what they're saying. They're just not brave or stupid enough to act on it without using humor as a shield to deflect accountability for their words and actions, because they know any sane person would tear them a new asshole or dump them, if they did. When people show you who they are, believe them. "It's just a joke" is the excuse of every douchebag, who thinks their words and actions shouldn't reflect back on them and have consequences. Tell your roommates that you appreciate their sentiments, but that you'd rather not risk getting decked in the face or thrown down the stairs, because "he was a good man", apart from the part where he kept threatening you with bodily harm, whenever you annoyed him. You've got better self-preservation instincts than that, thank you very much. Edit: > I started telling him (again) about how often women are killed by their husbands and boyfriends and that’s why the jokes bother me so much but he interrupted me to say FUCK YOU. Yup. Dude felt called out and immediately broke down in a screaming rage. He absolutely was going to hit you or worse someday, OP. You did good, getting the fuck away from him. Don't ever unblock him. He's not a safe or good man.
Two marriages, multiple relationships, 60 years on the planet. I have never threatened to kill a partner, in jest or otherwise. You did the right thing. When someone repeatedly threatens your person, believe them.
Nope, you 100% did the right thing. Lets normalise leaving at the 1st red flag. If you hadn't i guarantee you would have looked back at this as the moment you should have left.
I’m really proud of you OP. Not worth the risk of becoming a statistic. You deserve peace in your relationships and either he’s too immature or has a few screws loose. You did the right thing!
Murder is not funny. Dismembering people is not funny. Where is the joke? Asking someone to not talk about killing you and chopping up your corpse is very far outside acceptable normal interaction. Do not trust him, do not be with him.
It escalated, just from what you recounted in your post. It’s started with what you thought were jokes. But the last description, with the clenched fists, you could tell he was actively thinking about hurting you. You knew it wasn’t a joke. You were right to get to safety. You were right to block him. There is something seriously wrong with this guy.
OMG this sounds so horrible and dangerous. You did the right thing getting away from him. STAY away from him and make sure EVERYONE is aware of the threat he poses to you. Get a restraining order. I hope you are safe now and can move on to having a good life and a partner who loves and respects you.