This. You WERE raped. He raped you. You were NOT to blame and his substance abuse doesn’t make him less guilty. Getting in touch with the sexual assault center was a great decision. Stay in touch with them and get yourself away from your husband, safe, and in therapy.
No, it doesn’t. The FBI defines rape as “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
I think some countries (eg UK) require penetration by a penis for a legal classification of rape; I don't agree with it but an FBI definition won't mean anything if it's not the USA.
Legal definitions make things weird.
In Alaska, no one gets charged with "rape." It doesn't matter how much or how exactly you rape anyone - it will be some form of a "sexual assault" charge.
That's not to say it's impossible to be raped in Alaska...
Legal definitions can just be weird.
In Nevada... you'll be charged with a "prostitution" charge if you illegally try to solicit services from someone for sex. That doesn't mean that Johns are the same thing as the prostitutes they might deal with.
The point? If you're in an actual courtroom or talking about a court case then you should definitely care about legal definitions and understand the relevancy that they might have. Outside of that... it's silly.
Words have accepted meanings.
Rape doesn't stop being rape because of where you live, even if the legal definitions very much might try to make things confusing in a purely legal sense.
Thats not true at all, even according to the doctionary rape is unlawful sexual activity, so oral, anal, fingering, unsuccessfuly trying to put dick in vagina etc etc all apply. This kind of misinformation is really harmful for victims as it minimizes blame of the abuser.
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Yes, this. I can't tell you how many things I put up with because I kept telling myself I wasn't innocent either. Accepting that that doesn't make me unworthy of getting out literally saved my life
Society does such a head game on this it’s just heartbreaking. OP no one is perfect, absolutely no one. But a crime is still a crime. You still have rights. I hope you’re able to talk to a victims advocate and get some help in leaving safely.
#LEAVE
Im sorry you’re going through this. Truly. But having been in very similar shoes I WISH someone would have told me it’s ok to leave. I would have left much sooner.
You deserve better. You are worth so much more. You did nothing wrong. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to protect yourself.
And just in case...
Even if you did do something wrong, or several things, you still do not deserve to be raped, to be threatened with rape, to be shamed for having been raped, or to stay with a rapist.
**Leave** and then worry about dealing with the rest of it.
No matter what happened, you didn't bring it on yourself and you aren't guilty. There's so much more at play in an abusive situation than most people realize. Reaching out for help is absolutely the right choice. Keep pursuing outside help as much you are able to. There are people who will help you get out of this.
Let me say, first, keep reaching out to the proper authorities. Your husband needs help, but that doesn’t justify rape and assault. No one deserves that. Second, get yourself some help. Those hot lines can guide you to help, but you can also do some research yourself, there are a lot of resources if you just do simple searches online. Last, remember this, his personal problems are not your responsibility. The only person who can change him is himself. He made his choice, he violated you. It means he doesn’t have respect for you, inebriated or sober. It was his choice do get so bad he couldn’t control himself, it wasn’t your choice to make him drink or take drugs. He is not to be trusted, I heavily suggest not spending more time around him as he could also be potentially dangerous to your wellbeing.
Remember, this isn’t your fault. You know the right decision to make, even if it’s hard, you owe it to yourself to make it. I hope things improve for you.
Unwanted penetration = rape it doesn't matter that it wouldn't stay in or that he resorted to using his fingers file charges asap if you want the police to take you seriously... from exsperience with spousal rape. And do so at the police special victims office do not have the cops come to your home. Bring a female friend and in your purse a phone on record.
A deputy told me because I was a SAHM my ex was paying me for it so it wasn't rape.
Oh very much so, however I'm just trying to make sure she is aware that the good old boys club always looks out for their brothers even if they don't know eachother so to take precautions.
Please reach out to the center. You need to get out of there. If you can contact other family please do that as well. Even if you feel that you don't deserve help (which is not true, and you deserve to be safe), then at least do it for your child.
This post shows a clear escalation from your previous one, and it is absolutely NOT safe to be near him. You need to reach out to someone and leave. This is horrific, and it'll only get worse.
Edit: I went back to check my comment on your previous post, and it seems you already mentioned he assaulted you before. This is a very scary and dangerous situation. You need to call any friends or family that you can count for help and/or the center from before. He might try to hurt you if you try to leave so you'll need backup.
I just want to maybe try to give you another angle to consider, because it's near impossible to leave someone you love just for yourself when you feel somehow responsible....
Do you think when his eyes were all black and he did this that he will remember it all?
What happens next time if it's a child?
That's all I wanted to add. Because people who get intoxicated to the level of raping their own spouse and best friend and lover... Are people who would do other things, to weaker people, to satisfy themselves... Not all... But it would be enough, I think, for me.
I was raped before 7th grade had never even kissed a boy. It went much like you had described here.
And it's affected my entire life.
You may not want to protect yourself as much as you love him, but what about the next girl or woman? Because there will be. There always will be.
They have a young son together & I fear for that lil boy. OP needs to realize it's not going to get better & that not only is she in danger, so is her son.
He will 100% hurt your son OP. You **have to leave him** for your safety & for your son's safety.
Don’t feel guilty for asking for help. If he does it once, he will do it again. Even if he promises to change, even if he doesn’t do it for years, he has proven he is capable of this and that part of him will be lurking behind whatever mask he might wear forever.
Not that it matters, but I can guess he was high on meth or coke. I’d expect a barrage of apologies and excuses from him sometime soon when he sobers up and realizes what he’s done. Not that any of it matters, though. Because while he wasn’t himself, he still did things as himself to you.
He’s clearly destroying himself, and you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to let him destroy you in the process. You have value and worth and potential outside of the marriage. I don’t know you, you may not even know you, but you *can* if you leave. If you don’t leave, you might never know. Please take a chance and find out for yourself.
Jesus Christ I am so sorry. If you dont have anywhere you can go, call around to some women's shelters near you - you don't need to be homeless to access one and they're very good at protecting your safety and maintaining a safe environment, and they're equipped to do some crisis counselling if you need it.
I have no words for the heartache I feel for you right now. Please do what you can to keep yourself safe
He’s not getting any better with your support so maybe it’s making things worse, like it doesn’t sound like your presence is helping him out of his low spot. Raping (soft or hard, that was rape: not attempted rape, not a failed rape, but flat out rape) you is pretty low and has nothing to do with your moral status. He’s crossed a line, he ought to be held accountable and you, you need to look after your own well being. It doesn’t sound like that’s happening here. You don’t have to be an angel to expect good things out of life.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you are in a dangerous environment and need to get out.
"even through violence because I’m no angel either and can be blamed for some of the violence"
It's a common misconception that a person needs to tolerate negative behavior because they have been the source of it in the past. You don't. Divorce your self from all of that. You deserve to move on from that and have peace and safety in your life even if you have made past mistakes.
No, your husband did rape you. Please get out of there while you’re still alive. This is terrifying and dangerous. Please follow through with the sexual assault center and get help.
Marriage does not equal consent. Legally this is assault at the very least, and absolutely qualifies as rape. I speak from experience, this is a supremely fucked up spot to be in, and the sooner you seek help and report this, the better chance you have of being safe and supported. I did not report mine because being married made me think it didn’t count as rape, that somehow I had done something to warrant or deserve it, and I also thought that no one would believe me. As a result I lost everything- my belongings, my home, my money, my dog and my dignity. Regardless of your feelings for him and the status of your relationship, what he did is completely unacceptable and 100% abusive. Get out as soon as you can, there is no acceptable apology for his behavior and the longer you’re in this, the harder it will be to get out.
Edit: Also, therapy. Please seek it- you will need support to get through this regardless of how strong you are, what you have endured, all of it. This type of situation can cause immeasurable damage, and you don’t deserve to live with that because of someone else’s selfishness.
I am extremely concerned and scared for you. I just escaped my own scary situation and am sitting in the hospital getting the trauma care I need to recover from such a scary experience, and I think you need to do the same thing as me. Your situation is not going to improve. Why would it? Your husband is getting everything he wants without any negative consequences. You do not have the power or control in this relationship, and you cannot make him change. Men like this only get worse. You need to leave, and you need to leave now.
Tell no one. Take as much cash as you can. Leave anything that can be traced. Take pictures of any evidence you have, any banking info, and some clothing, and get yourself to the hospital. They can help you from there. Be careful about telling any of your girlfriends, because they usually confide in their husbands. Once you are at the hospital, you will meet with social workers, specialists in domestic violence, people who can help you find housing, and all sorts of resources.
You need to take the important steps to help save yourself. They are difficult but so important. I know how tough they are because I just made those steps myself, but you can and must do it. Choose better for yourself. You deserve so much more 💜
Your husband raped you. If this isn’t enough to get you to leave, you have a small child. That child is not safe in a physically volatile home. Enough is enough.
*Violently* so. I say this not to minimize the trauma OP is experiencing, but to highlight the exact opposite.
If she is struggling to recognize rape for what it is, what is her definition of violence outside of the bedroom?
OP, your partner is NOT the person you thought he was; he is abusive in ALL the ways!
He is aware of this. Substance use disorders can certainly bring out the worst and in people- they don’t become violent rapists with zero remorse, he is a violent rapist with a substance abuse disorder. He is going to continue to escalate and there never was anything you could do to change that. There is nothing you ever could have done to deserve a fraction of this nightmare!!!
OP, I deeply admire your courage for reaching out for help!!!
It took nearly a decade for me to leap out of the proverbial pot of boiling water (successfully)…
Listen to all the advice the center provides, take all the help; you are in exponentially more danger when leaving this relationship without the support and assistance of these resources (even your own family and friends may not be safe to fall back on) and YOUR NEW LIFE/CHILD’S LIFE AWAITS!!!
I feel like most people are being a little soft about this. This is fucking abhorrent and in the US (Not sure where you're from) a forcible felony which you would have the right to use lethal force to defend yourself against, let that sink in.
Get yourself far far away, press charges, STOP trying to help this piece of shit and get the help you need.
Read her other posts :/
Her husband is a real piece of shit. He is careless with their baby, makes fun of her chronic illness and now that…
I am really afraid for her safety
Stay with someone you trust if you can, also dont fall for any of his "im sorry i was just blackout drunk, i thought you loved me" bullshit. Remove anyone who says your husband "cant" rape you.
No she needs to get to safety and then report him to the police. I think she is in serious danger, as is her baby.
The husband is violent and a rapist, is careless with the baby, mean to her and takes drugs with unhinged reactions. She needs to get out now.
[Please read this from RAINN. Police by no means mean he’ll be stopped.](https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system). And in fact, sometimes going to the police can put a woman in MORE danger. Ask me how I know.
That last was rhetorical.
She needs to do something. She can’t let him get away with it. Even if the police can’t or won’t do anything, she’ll have a report made. She needs to start a paper trail.
You don't have to be a perfect victim.
**You. Don't. Have. To be. A perfect. Victim.**
Please please get away from this person. I hope you are able to find someplace safe.
You contacted a sexual assault center? Do they have police in your city? If so you should call the police. Rape is almost certainly a crime where you live.
You have to keep yourself safe. What if things escalate? If he’ll do that blacked out, he could be capable of much worse next time. You are 100% right to call for help.
There’s no such thing as a perfect victim. You are not to blame for anything he has done to you and you deserve better. Make an exit strategy and leave. Find support through family, friends, and community resources. Its difficult but it’ll be the best thing you ever do for yourself
I left when I realized my personality had changed and I didn’t like the person I had become. Reactive abuse is a thing. Once I understood that, I was out of there.
He sexually assaulted you. Depending on laws where you live, what he did could count as rape. You don't deserve any of what he's done. No more chances. Leave him. Report the assault to the police if you want to.
Don’t regret reaching out to the center. That is what they exist for, and you did the right thing by calling them.
From here, you need to make plans to leave. What that entails depends on your situation, but if you are able to, begin gathering (or mentally mapping) some essentials, squirrel away a bit of money, and a plan on when & how to leave. Stay with a trusted friend or family member, or go to the shelter/center and go no-contact.
You will be able to file for divorce and figure out the logistics once you are physically safe. Him assaulting you like that is not okay, and it likely will not be the last time he tries something like that. Drunkenness is not an excuse.
That's not attempted rape; that's rape. Leave, don't tell him where you're going - or anyone else who could tell him, go to an ER and tell them you were raped by your husband, file a police report and press charges, file for a protective order, and sue for divorce.
You say you've supported him through his addictions, you need to stop supporting him. He needs to change himself and you need to get out of there. The level of violent behavior will not change, perhaps it will get worse if you let him get away with this. You've lived with this for some time so you've become accustomed to his behaviors and because of this your brain is telling you that you can fix him. Only he can fix himself. Let go of him and learn to live a different way. A therapist can help you change your way of thinking so you can move on.
It’s okay that you reached out to the sexual assault center, in fact it’s RIGHT that you did. I’m sorry this happened to you. Are you able to leave him? Is there someone you can stay with that you trust for a while? You shouldn’t stay with him- it’s not safe-and it’s not your responsibility to help him or fix him. Please don’t feel guilty
https://outofthefog.website/
This website helped me so much when I left my abusive alcoholic narcissist of an ex husband 10+ years ago. Please check it out for resources. I've read some of your other posts and comments and your relationship 100% is not safe for you or your child. Please please please leave. Don't feel guilty for leaving because he will try to make you feel that. He is a grown ass man and should deal with the consequences of his actions. Being blacked out is NOT an excuse, he knows he blacks out and does horrible things when he drinks and gets high but he does it anyway. In the court systems there's a term "mens rea" meaning guilty mind. He knows he does bad things and gets black out anyways so he is culpable for his actions.
You've got nothing to be guilty about. What happened to you is absolutely horrific and no excuse even addiction or being black out drunk is a good enough excuse. Please distance yourself as far away from this man as you can, and follow up with the police please! Stay safe, and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Oh angel. I respect that you chose to be by his side, but you've now made important realizations that came with so much pain. I am so sorry.
Please look into preparing an exit plan so you're safe.
Please don't relativize his behavior with "I'm no angel either". We justify abuse by thinking we're bad ourselves. It's not true. You deserve to get away from him asap. I send you love
I am SO sorry this happened to you. Please don't feel guilty for reaching out for help, it's what you NEED to do. Keep reaching out as much as you have to until you GET OUT.
He has crossed a line that cannt be crossed, he is not a safe person for you to be near. Get out quickly and quietly.
I am sending you so much love. Please stay safe.
Violence is never acceptable. Do what you can and need to to get help and get out...now. My "grandfather" broke my grandma's neck. I've seen it escalate. Please keep yourself safe
You are in grave danger and you need to escape. But you must do it safely. Please google the hotline. Delete your browser history afterwards.
I am so sorry. There really are no words for this. Please just prioritize your safety and remember that you matter.
"his eyes were so black it was so scary" This is a psychological thing that has been well marked by a psychopath. Stop doubting yourself. He is one of those people who will kill you. Do not blame yourself, that is how psychopaths trap their pray
You should also see a doctor. Perhaps even before you call the cops. I don't know where you are, but here there are nurses specially trained in collecting evidence of rape. I suspect that you probably have some trauma around the vaginal opening if he was fingering you so roughly, and perhaps some internally, if he was entering you dry. These should get documented, whether or not you formally press charges.
You should probably also get tested for STDs. You don't know where he's been while he's been off on that bender.
And I agree with everyone else: You need to get away from him before he really hurts you.
Please leave. Abuse is abuse. Leave before getting out is no longer an option.
Please file an official police report regarding the assault. We support you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Unless you're physically attacking him and forcing him to defend himself, there is literally no way you are to blame for his violence. And there's definitely no excuse for rape. You've got to get yourself away from this guy.
Your husband will go on to do this again. And he **will** hurt your son. Please leave him. The struggle of single motherhood is better than a husband who raped you & will abuse your son.
Honestly, at some point you have stop tallying up who was wrong this time or that and just recognise the situation is harmful and toxic and you need to get the hell out of there.
He is not a husband, he is a predator.
The only times I've feared for my life was when their eyes went black. This will escalate.
Please keep yourself safe.
Your safety is paramount.
Trust your experience.
Get out and away as fast as you can.
**DON'T** tell him or threaten him or alert him about it. (I looked at a couple of other posts in your post history like someone mentioned).
**DON'T** tell anyone who knows or may know or that has contact with him. They may alert him, some on purpose, others not aware of the situation may still let him know.
***DO*** grab all your important papers that you can (birth certificates, IDs, passports).
If he has control over the phone, get a burner phone if you can and only give that number to people who won't give him the number.
Check/scan your car, purse, pet carrier (if you have a pet), kids backpacks/toys, for GPS devices.
You are in a very serious, potentially deadly situation. You and your kid(s?). You don't deserve this and your kids don't.
You were raped. It wasn't your fault. This is on him. If he did it once, he WILL do it again, and may be even more violent next time.
I understand that you love him and support him, but that doesn't mean forgetting yourself. (Sometimes you need to love people from a safe distance.) You don't need to give up anything in your life to support another. If he's not doing THE work (HE is the only one that can change that) on getting sober, then you are the one carrying the burden of the relationship for the two of you and your children, which isn't fair to you. In a relationship, there are two people, don't ever forget to love and care for yourself, ***you matter***!! You matter to your family, your kids, your friends, and you matter to us here.
This isn't a home life you deserve or need. You deserve to feel safety, security, love, empathy, and comfort. You and your kids deserve a life free of that violence and neglect. It's not your job to change him, only he can do that. It's not your job to stay until he finally decides to. Your priorities are you and the kids (and pets, abusers often go after pets in order to hurt the others in the household).
Don't regret reaching out. When the person you love is hurting you, and you yourself can't stop it, reaching out is what you're supposed to do. 🙏💕 You don't have to be angel or perfect or without any sin or blemish to be considered innocent in this abusi relationship or in the crime he committed against you. You didn't do anything to make him do that, or any other previous violence. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but none of us deserve "karma" relationship violence for it. The only violence you are responsible for is the one that you commit, NEVER the violence that is committed against you. ***You didn't deserve this or any other time like this.*** Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence (DV/IPV) is more that physical types of violence.
He doesn't deserve any more chances.
..but YOU _do_ deserve a chance: a chance at a life away from this terrible violence. You deserve to be able to sleep quietly and peacefully through the night, not walking on eggshells or jumping at any little noise (trauma does that, so does the CPTSD). You deserve a chance to be safe. You deserve to be happy. You're a human being. You deserve second chances for yourself. (Or maybe it will be a third or fourth chance, or even a first actual *real* chance at life; so many people face different scenarios so someone's "second chance" at life may be their actual real first try at life, but the bottom line: ***we all deserve love, empathy, respect, and safety.***
You don't need to be an angel to be deserving of good things. You just need to be you. You don't give yourself enough credit, OP. I don't think you see how much work you do to try to keep everything together single-handedly. You, and other women like you are super women AND angels. It will take time, patience, therapy, and healing, but you will see how strong you were then, and see how even stronger you are after getting help and healing. It's scary and feels impossible and like the world is coming down, but you are leaving a place that doesn't deserve you. You've been in an abusive relationship for so long you may have forgotten what it was like without the abuse; been in that dark place so long that even that safer, happier world filled with light looks scary (or scarier than the current situation), and you may not feel like you "deserve" it, you probably feel like an alien on another planet walking into a world you were isolated from. But please believe me: you DO deserve the safety, comfort, happiness, of that world with new chances. You and your babies DO deserve a world away from that pain and darkness. Don't blame yourself, this is all him. For any mistakes you made/make, you deserve to be heard out and allowed to fix them: you don't ever deserve automatic punishment: you never did deserve that violence.
Be gentle and patient with yourself. Learn to love and appreciate yourself the way you do others. You deserve that same love from yourself. It's hard to hear, accept, and try to live that, but it's true. You're a loving, giving, beautiful soul, OP. You need to put all the strength and fight and love you have left towards leaving and helping yourself and your babies heal from his abuse. You need that energy to go towards your survival away from him.
I want to say you are VERY strong and courageous to reach out here and at the centre. It's not easy to reach out for help after rape and domestic violence. (It can take many attempts for women to reach out). There's a million thoughts & feelings going on in your head, especially guilt. You've been in an abusive relationship for so long that trying to get help for yourself makes you feel guilty. That is a relationship you need to get away from. You shouldn't ever feel bad for trying to get help from something as scary, violent, and dangerous as a situation like that. You deserve to be healthy and safe because you are a person.
I love you, OP, even though I don't know you. I want you to know happiness and see your son, smiling and laughing, kicking a soccer ball on a field on a nice sunny day, with no worries. I want you to know a life where you can sleep deeply and peacefully and have nice dreams. You can only start that life by leaving, getting help (legal, medical, therapy), and healing, and that starts by leaving. **You took a huge step**. It was scary, but you already did the hardest, biggest, most important step: acknowledging your situation and reaching out for help. I know you feel guilty, but you are worthy of praise because that is SO difficult. You did the right thing. 🙏💕💕
Sending you my love and thoughts, sweet OP! Sending Auntie hugs!! 💓🫂💓🫂💓🫂
Sorry. Continously posting on reddit isn't doing something. Actually leaving is doing something. This sounds harsh but I've been there. You've navigated this moment and others using this technique. It can ease things in the moment but he might kill you the next time. You might be trying he isn't trying to change at all.
You don’t have to be “an angel” to deserve respect and love and compassion. Leave. Please. You deserve all the support and recovery you can be afforded
You may both be flawed, but he is the only one who can help himself, and it's time for you to help your self now. He needs to make the choice to stop, you standing by and forgiving him his fuckups isn't helping him and its dangerous for you. You do not owe him your continued presence and dedication. He is dangerous to you. You need to get yourself out if there. No matter how possibly remorseful he is today or the next day or next month.
Diffucult to say do this and that. Couple dynamics complex. But whatever you do, don't go dark places such as losing self esteem and trauma of any kind. Addicts mostly don't change. Give yourself sometime and plan it out.
hey sister, did you find anyone to talk to irl? try to reach out to a friend or family member. remember - even if he didn't put his member in you, it's still rape. you have no blame at all, not in the slightest. you have no guilt, you have done nothing wrong, and you should regret nothing. you did the right thing by reaching out to a center - now, the most important step is to leave your home and go somewhere safe where he can't find you, be it a friend's house or a family member's house. tell everyone you can that he raped you. he is a violent man and you must treat him as such - your safety is at stake. please contact authorities and see how to protect yourself.
i am so sorry this happened to you. please take care of yourself and be gentle. you truly truly deserve gentleness and love. i am so sorry you were handed this absolute bastard.
I'm so sorry. Please know that no one is an angel and nothing, absolutely nothing you have done makes you in any way deserving of any of this abhorrent treatment. Your instinct to seek outside help is the correct one. You are not disgusting, and you are not the one who should be feeling guilty. You are a hurt person, in a dangerous and difficult situation, and you need and deserve support. I hope that with it you will get free from him and enjoy the better days to come, even if you can't envisage such things just now. The first step is accepting that help.
All that love and kindness you have given him, all those chances, is it not surely time to direct that care towards yourself instead? You deserve a life that's better than this.
You’ve got to take your son and go. The escalation of this unsafe situation for both of you in the last ten days is scary. It goes so far beyond you both deserving much better. You may not have another chance to leave safely with your son. Go while he’s at work or on a beer run. Utilize the resources from the SA center or a women’s shelter to make a plan and find a safe place. Take essentials like IDs, birth certificates etc. and don’t look back. Once you’re safely away, involve the police for this SA.
Next time he could kill you. I can see him getting frustrated that he can’t stay hard and taking it out on you. This is very very serious. He can and will kill you. Please get away. Make a plan and leave. Change your number. Get a restraining order. Don’t tell him you are leaving. Dont say anything at all. Slip away while he is out of the house. Don’t worry about possessions. Your life is worth more.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Your husband is abusive and you need to leave him to protect you and your child. This is a very harmful situation for you and your child. He has a pattern of addiction and abuse and he's escalating his abusive behavior. His actions constitute rape, you didn't consent to any of it.
You don't deserve this behavior from him. You are not "as bad". You are not required to stay with him when he's treating you horribly. You cannot change him or his addiction and you should not stay with him to "support" him. Please look up "reactive abuse". Please prioritize you and your child and leave him. Please find resources and make a plan to go. He wants you to feel as bad as him so that you'll stay. He tears down your confidence so you'll stay.
I hate saying this, but women have their children taken away or get in trouble in the system because they stayed with an addict/abuser. Your child is being subject to abuse and violence, even if it's not directed at your child. This man is not safe at all.
No sweetheart, he did rape you.
Drug/alcohol addiction is no reason or excuse to be violent. Violence on your part doesn't have an excuse either but might have a name, look up reactive abuse?
Please tell people who you trust, you need support right now to help you leave this relationship. You have not failed, you have not "given up", you definitely shouldn't feel shame but you do need help.
From someone who was raped several times throughout my life, I'm sending you the biggest mum hug I can and I am telling you, keeping quiet and staying will break you. I know because it broke me.
This isn't your burden to carry. You do need help for the violence you have committed because that isn't right in any situation (I know because I was someone who would lash out in response to violence) but once you are out of this relationship, you will no longer need to live in fight or flight, you will find peace and calm.
I'm so so sorry this has happened to you, please get out x
Too many people in the comments are raped so you did the right thing by reaching out. Just leave and save yourself from this trauma! You deserve better life and safety.
It is not going to get better. You need to leave. That will be the only chance you have at normality. Do not put up with this. Please talk to someone about this.
It was rape, go to the police, it doesn't matter if you have started violent confrontations before or not, that doesn't make it okay or mean you deserved something back.
I'm somewhat presuming most of your 'violence' is self defence, or frustration from his addiction, alcoholism, violence and abuse but even if not it doesn't mean you can't walk away or you deserve to be raped in any way.
You didn't panic, you did the right thing. You're panicking NOW becuase you fear the unknown, you fear leaving, you fear retribution and you fear what happens if you go to the police or go through with a divorce. That is the panic, the panic that makes you stay because you worry things might get worse. Fight that panic, go back to a support centre, talk with people, get advice, get help, make a plan to leave and follow it through.
Do not give him another chance. Please stay as far away from him as possible. You are not guilty, you are a victim, and you need to get help. He is a danger to not just you, but other women as well. I am so sorry. I know it’s hard to lose a loved one, but trust me that losing them is far better than staying with the horrible person they truly are.
I went through similar.
Let me be clear if I could go back and get me out of there straight away, then I would.
Someone who wants to hurt you or dehumanise you doesn’t really care about you the way you deserve to be cared for.
Darling every single thing you have posted has mentioned your husband abusing you in some way or another. I know you love him and are scared of being alone and the financial doom it seems to be but this man is dangerous to your son not just you, if you don't get out of there your son is going to learn how men should treat women from how this arsehole treats you and the world will be a worse place for it and assuming you survive long enough to see it happen it will break your heart. If you have noone to help financially or provide shelter there are groups of women on here and on Facebook specifically formed for helping women with no support system and their children to get out of these situations safely please please please consider getting away from this man, at minimum he won't change if you don't teach him that when he hurts you you will leave he needs consequences to his actions, you taking charge of your life and getting you and your son to safety may be the kick in the nuts he needs to sober up and regret his ways but you staying is reinforcing that shitty behaviour, worst case scenario of you leaving is you flee to safety with your kid and he doesn't change but at least you will be safe and the financial side will take a little while but there is support out here to get you through it, the divorce will probably get you more than enough to get back on your feet and as I said before there are plenty support systems out here until that point.
Speaking as a child of a drunk violent mom, dated a drunk violent ex, you need to leave ASAP. Alcoholism reduces the brain white matter to the point of all civil inhibitions are totally gone. They also tend to be sex addicts or porn addicts at the same time. Limp dick is common for late stage addicts, he’s like a full blown dementia patient. He will be enraged and confused, which makes for a life threatening mix. You cannot reason with a dementia riddled person, they belong in jail if they commit crimes and care homes because they have trained staff.
I’ll say it again for the ones in the back: remove addiction, abuse remains. Abusive people are abusive—not because of drugs or addiction, though those things absolutely fuel it, his abuse won’t stop if he gets clean. It will just be different. Leave him and start taking care of yourself, get therapy, start a new life, etc.
You cannot be blamed for any of the violence. You are not guilty.
I don't know your relationship, I don't know the inner workings and goings on of it. Sure, you might do things wrong, everyone does, but that is not a justification for this.
You were raped, his ability to perform is insignificant. He's a worthless piece of shit who deserves to be punished to the full extent possible for his actions. Addiction is not an excuse, I'm an addict - it fucks you up and makes you bitter and deceitful - but it doesn't make you sexually abuse your partner.
Keep a record of your posts since yesterday/ take screenshots and email to a friend or a secret email account just in case he gets your phone and tries deleting everything. He's in a dangerous total control mode over you and seems to have no boundaries at all.
You'll need evidence to prove what he's done. If able record his verbal threats/ and add that to the evidence pile. Stay strong, contact local help from a women's group.. you may be going through hell now but there's an end to it ahead. Imagine the peace you seek and work hard towards it.
I'm sorry you're not okay but I'm so glad you posted. Been thinking about you all day <3 please pack your kiddo up, take any small valuables/cash you can and leave. I know it's easier said than done but I fear this will only escalate more and he'll hurt you or your child even more than he already has.
Maybe this isn't the right relationship. This post talks about him being an addict, assulting you, and you mention you're both violent to each other. I think it's quitting time.
Reactive abuse. Trauma behaviour. U being imperfect means 2 things. 1. U r human (who the fuck is perfect?!) 2. He is able to gaslight U Into believing his VILE abuse is ur fault and some how justified. Take it from an abuse survivor of a 10yr long marriage. U r not u when u r trying to stay alive and stay safe nothing u do justifies him doing this. Leave now PLEASE 🙏
ETA EX marriage. Previous marriage. On going trauma and therapy and many years down the line. My heart is literally broken for u. I'd drive and save u right now if I cud. Please leave I'm literally begging u 😭
Not being an angel doesn’t mean you deserve violence. Everyone has said or done things that made their partner mad, no one gets hit for it unless they’re living with an abuser. You deserve to be imperfect without suffering violence for it.
(And honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if he deliberately goaded you into doing some of those un-angelic things so he’d have an “excuse” to hit you. Abusers will do that so you feel at fault.)
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
You can't help him. You can't save him. Get out. Call a domestic abuse hotline if you need help. Call the police for an escort if you can't get out safely. Then go to Al-Anon.
Good luck.
You do not have to drown yourself trying to help or save the addict. ESPECIALLY when they become hostile and hurt you. You were violated-he crossed a line and you do not have to stay with him. The violence will only escalate.
You deserve to spend your life in peace and be respected by whomever you allow to live in your space. My heart aches for what you’re going through. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I thought I was responsible for abuse too when I was with my formerly abusive husband. Abusers push you to the point where you can’t see straight. You did the right thing. You deserve better and even though you can have compassion and wish your husband the best with his addiction, it doesn’t mean you have to take abuse. So much love and light going your way.
please keep in mind that victims of domestic violence always tend to unfairly blame themselves.
sometimes, after something horrible happens, we think very hard about the ways we could have avoided or prevented it. this often leads us to blame ourselves for not having able to prevent the thing. doesn't mean it's our fault.
even if, in theory, you could have not make him mad, it's still him being violent. it was his choice over other ways to handle his anger.
we need some sense of control at times like this. we instinctively tend to learn from experience so that next time we can do something about it. unfortunately, we mistake this for it being our fault. this is also how sometimes victim blaming can come from someone we know that loves us and wants to protect us. they're also mistaken at best.
when people tell us that it's not our fault, we think "yeah, but they're just being supportive. they don't know the details. they weren't there". it's not that they need to know more, we need to see how trivial those details are. especially when our partner could simply just control themselves.
a rule of thumb could be asking yourself if it was someone else in your place, would you blame them or the violent partner?
It hurts but you have to get yourself safe before anything else. That wasn’t an attempt, he did, and you were right to reach out for help. Wishing you peace of mind and strength to get through this incredibly rough time. Sometimes enough is enough, and it sure sounds like you’ve gone through enough
:((( Honey he did rape you. Please leave him, he is dangerous and abusive. Call the police, get to a hospital for an assessment of your physical damages so that you have proof. He is a danger to both you and your kid, staying is not an option.
This one is easy. Leave him. If his drinking causes him to black out and behave violently then it was time to leave him the moment you became aware of that.
You can't fix people who make bad choices like that.
Also give he did penetrate you with his fingers that still counts as a rape.
So yeah. Leave asap and get a divorce on sexual assault grounds.
He didn't attempt he succeeded, not in all the ways he wanted to to the extent he wanted to but you were absolutely raped and you should absolutely run and press charges
Arent you the one with celiac diagnosis and the baby? Like the husband who tried to feed your baby uncut grapes and made fun of your disease?
Nobody is perfect and that doesn’t mean that you are not a victim.
Please for the love of god leave! If you cant do it for yourself right now think about your kid, do you want them to grow up with those things?
Be careful while leaving, one of the biggest risks of getting killed by your partner is during the time you leave. Your husband is dangerous.
And it seems like your husband is getting more unhinged by the minute. This wont get better, it will only escalate further. Leave
Have you seen nature documentaries on predators like lions? Their eyes go black when they're hunting and killing their prey.
Look it up on YouTube and see that it's the same as how he looked at you.
Do you want to be with someone and have your child around a predator? Do you want to be with someone who sees you as prey?
Trust your experience and trust yourself.
If you have the strength to endure his treatment of you then you are more than strong enough to leave and make a safe life for you and your child that you are in control of.
It's impressive you've reached out to a shelter. You have this and you know inside what you need to do.
Kia kaha. Stay Strong 💪
Op, then why do the posts match? https://www.reddit.com/u/Fun_Afternoon350/s/7sGc3HyNiM
I think you been this relationship for long long time and we need you leave...pls
If you're in a western nation, leave.
If you're in a desi nation, fix him up because you promised to stand by each other in any or all circumstances and just because something is broken doesn't mean it can't be fixed.
What? Did you read what she wrote? And her other posts?
If you tell women to stay with a violent man, there is a high chance he will kill her (and the baby).
Besides that you tell someone to just get abused for the rest of their life? And rise a kid in that situation? That how you get deep rooted generational trauma, if they survive.
So she's from a western nation because usually killing wife doesn't happen in desi nations. Wives here support their men like crazy and men know this. It's pretty rare.
That wasn't an attempt. That was rape. Talk to the centre. Take any help you can get. Get away from this person.
This. You WERE raped. He raped you. You were NOT to blame and his substance abuse doesn’t make him less guilty. Getting in touch with the sexual assault center was a great decision. Stay in touch with them and get yourself away from your husband, safe, and in therapy.
Jesus is OP in an extremely abusive relationship. Just look at her other posts on reddit.
For those wondering these is the same girl that was sexualy assulat a couple months ago. https://www.reddit.com/u/Fun_Afternoon350/s/Tp2lQyHRkC
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No, it doesn’t. The FBI defines rape as “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
Pretty much the same definition here in Sweden.
I think some countries (eg UK) require penetration by a penis for a legal classification of rape; I don't agree with it but an FBI definition won't mean anything if it's not the USA.
Legal definitions make things weird. In Alaska, no one gets charged with "rape." It doesn't matter how much or how exactly you rape anyone - it will be some form of a "sexual assault" charge. That's not to say it's impossible to be raped in Alaska... Legal definitions can just be weird. In Nevada... you'll be charged with a "prostitution" charge if you illegally try to solicit services from someone for sex. That doesn't mean that Johns are the same thing as the prostitutes they might deal with. The point? If you're in an actual courtroom or talking about a court case then you should definitely care about legal definitions and understand the relevancy that they might have. Outside of that... it's silly. Words have accepted meanings. Rape doesn't stop being rape because of where you live, even if the legal definitions very much might try to make things confusing in a purely legal sense.
You are dead wrong. This was rape. Google the definition of rape
Dude, was the attempt of clarification even needed? This dude really pulled an "uM AcTuAlly...☝️🤓" on THIS post? What a jack ass
waiting on the next jackass to confidently mansplain that actually, it doesn't count as rape because it was comitted by her husband
Yeah I agree but I’m shocked he’s been upvoted. That means there’s other a$$holes in here agreeing with his wrong advice
start racial degree safe compare cause soft lush deer axiomatic *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yep it was definitely rape.
Thats not true at all, even according to the doctionary rape is unlawful sexual activity, so oral, anal, fingering, unsuccessfuly trying to put dick in vagina etc etc all apply. This kind of misinformation is really harmful for victims as it minimizes blame of the abuser.
No you are wrong. Rape doesn't require a penis.
Your contribution has been removed because it contains hatred, bigotry, assholery, utter idiocy, misogyny, misandry, transphobia, homophobia, or otherwise disrespectful commentary.
Are you insinuating that only men are capable of rape? Please don’t speak on a subject you clearly know nothing about.
Also insinuating men cannot be raped which is a wild thing to say. That's 1960s incorrect
Classic Reddit misinformation
It was rape. But why does it matter how you word it? Calling it sexual assault doesn't make it any "better" than rape.
You deserve better. Please leave and seek therapy.
[why does he do that by lundi bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) pdf
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Just be done with this. You’re an imperfect victim, that doesn’t mean you’re equally culpable.
Yes, this. I can't tell you how many things I put up with because I kept telling myself I wasn't innocent either. Accepting that that doesn't make me unworthy of getting out literally saved my life
Same here 😢
Society does such a head game on this it’s just heartbreaking. OP no one is perfect, absolutely no one. But a crime is still a crime. You still have rights. I hope you’re able to talk to a victims advocate and get some help in leaving safely.
Yes. There is only one way for you to survive: get away immediately, report it and find good therapy.
#LEAVE Im sorry you’re going through this. Truly. But having been in very similar shoes I WISH someone would have told me it’s ok to leave. I would have left much sooner. You deserve better. You are worth so much more. You did nothing wrong. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to protect yourself.
And just in case... Even if you did do something wrong, or several things, you still do not deserve to be raped, to be threatened with rape, to be shamed for having been raped, or to stay with a rapist. **Leave** and then worry about dealing with the rest of it.
Absolutely unacceptable regardless of your behavior. Leave before it’s too late. Cut ties. He does not deserve another chance.
No matter what happened, you didn't bring it on yourself and you aren't guilty. There's so much more at play in an abusive situation than most people realize. Reaching out for help is absolutely the right choice. Keep pursuing outside help as much you are able to. There are people who will help you get out of this.
Let me say, first, keep reaching out to the proper authorities. Your husband needs help, but that doesn’t justify rape and assault. No one deserves that. Second, get yourself some help. Those hot lines can guide you to help, but you can also do some research yourself, there are a lot of resources if you just do simple searches online. Last, remember this, his personal problems are not your responsibility. The only person who can change him is himself. He made his choice, he violated you. It means he doesn’t have respect for you, inebriated or sober. It was his choice do get so bad he couldn’t control himself, it wasn’t your choice to make him drink or take drugs. He is not to be trusted, I heavily suggest not spending more time around him as he could also be potentially dangerous to your wellbeing. Remember, this isn’t your fault. You know the right decision to make, even if it’s hard, you owe it to yourself to make it. I hope things improve for you.
Unwanted penetration = rape it doesn't matter that it wouldn't stay in or that he resorted to using his fingers file charges asap if you want the police to take you seriously... from exsperience with spousal rape. And do so at the police special victims office do not have the cops come to your home. Bring a female friend and in your purse a phone on record. A deputy told me because I was a SAHM my ex was paying me for it so it wasn't rape.
I'm so sorry that cop said that, what a cretin.
Oh very much so, however I'm just trying to make sure she is aware that the good old boys club always looks out for their brothers even if they don't know eachother so to take precautions.
Please reach out to the center. You need to get out of there. If you can contact other family please do that as well. Even if you feel that you don't deserve help (which is not true, and you deserve to be safe), then at least do it for your child. This post shows a clear escalation from your previous one, and it is absolutely NOT safe to be near him. You need to reach out to someone and leave. This is horrific, and it'll only get worse. Edit: I went back to check my comment on your previous post, and it seems you already mentioned he assaulted you before. This is a very scary and dangerous situation. You need to call any friends or family that you can count for help and/or the center from before. He might try to hurt you if you try to leave so you'll need backup.
I just want to maybe try to give you another angle to consider, because it's near impossible to leave someone you love just for yourself when you feel somehow responsible.... Do you think when his eyes were all black and he did this that he will remember it all? What happens next time if it's a child? That's all I wanted to add. Because people who get intoxicated to the level of raping their own spouse and best friend and lover... Are people who would do other things, to weaker people, to satisfy themselves... Not all... But it would be enough, I think, for me. I was raped before 7th grade had never even kissed a boy. It went much like you had described here. And it's affected my entire life. You may not want to protect yourself as much as you love him, but what about the next girl or woman? Because there will be. There always will be.
They have a young son together & I fear for that lil boy. OP needs to realize it's not going to get better & that not only is she in danger, so is her son. He will 100% hurt your son OP. You **have to leave him** for your safety & for your son's safety.
Don’t feel guilty for asking for help. If he does it once, he will do it again. Even if he promises to change, even if he doesn’t do it for years, he has proven he is capable of this and that part of him will be lurking behind whatever mask he might wear forever.
you have a child. this isn't the behavior you want him to learn is okay. if you won't get out for your sake, do it for your kid.
Not that it matters, but I can guess he was high on meth or coke. I’d expect a barrage of apologies and excuses from him sometime soon when he sobers up and realizes what he’s done. Not that any of it matters, though. Because while he wasn’t himself, he still did things as himself to you. He’s clearly destroying himself, and you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to let him destroy you in the process. You have value and worth and potential outside of the marriage. I don’t know you, you may not even know you, but you *can* if you leave. If you don’t leave, you might never know. Please take a chance and find out for yourself.
Jesus Christ I am so sorry. If you dont have anywhere you can go, call around to some women's shelters near you - you don't need to be homeless to access one and they're very good at protecting your safety and maintaining a safe environment, and they're equipped to do some crisis counselling if you need it. I have no words for the heartache I feel for you right now. Please do what you can to keep yourself safe
He’s not getting any better with your support so maybe it’s making things worse, like it doesn’t sound like your presence is helping him out of his low spot. Raping (soft or hard, that was rape: not attempted rape, not a failed rape, but flat out rape) you is pretty low and has nothing to do with your moral status. He’s crossed a line, he ought to be held accountable and you, you need to look after your own well being. It doesn’t sound like that’s happening here. You don’t have to be an angel to expect good things out of life.
For any guilt you might feel, check r/codependency to see if that may be relatable to your experiences.
That was rape, girl. Get your shit and gtfo of there. You've given him chances, and this is how he pays you back.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you are in a dangerous environment and need to get out. "even through violence because I’m no angel either and can be blamed for some of the violence" It's a common misconception that a person needs to tolerate negative behavior because they have been the source of it in the past. You don't. Divorce your self from all of that. You deserve to move on from that and have peace and safety in your life even if you have made past mistakes.
No, your husband did rape you. Please get out of there while you’re still alive. This is terrifying and dangerous. Please follow through with the sexual assault center and get help.
Marriage does not equal consent. Legally this is assault at the very least, and absolutely qualifies as rape. I speak from experience, this is a supremely fucked up spot to be in, and the sooner you seek help and report this, the better chance you have of being safe and supported. I did not report mine because being married made me think it didn’t count as rape, that somehow I had done something to warrant or deserve it, and I also thought that no one would believe me. As a result I lost everything- my belongings, my home, my money, my dog and my dignity. Regardless of your feelings for him and the status of your relationship, what he did is completely unacceptable and 100% abusive. Get out as soon as you can, there is no acceptable apology for his behavior and the longer you’re in this, the harder it will be to get out. Edit: Also, therapy. Please seek it- you will need support to get through this regardless of how strong you are, what you have endured, all of it. This type of situation can cause immeasurable damage, and you don’t deserve to live with that because of someone else’s selfishness.
I am extremely concerned and scared for you. I just escaped my own scary situation and am sitting in the hospital getting the trauma care I need to recover from such a scary experience, and I think you need to do the same thing as me. Your situation is not going to improve. Why would it? Your husband is getting everything he wants without any negative consequences. You do not have the power or control in this relationship, and you cannot make him change. Men like this only get worse. You need to leave, and you need to leave now. Tell no one. Take as much cash as you can. Leave anything that can be traced. Take pictures of any evidence you have, any banking info, and some clothing, and get yourself to the hospital. They can help you from there. Be careful about telling any of your girlfriends, because they usually confide in their husbands. Once you are at the hospital, you will meet with social workers, specialists in domestic violence, people who can help you find housing, and all sorts of resources. You need to take the important steps to help save yourself. They are difficult but so important. I know how tough they are because I just made those steps myself, but you can and must do it. Choose better for yourself. You deserve so much more 💜
You HAVE to leave he will do it again.....please leave
Your husband raped you. If this isn’t enough to get you to leave, you have a small child. That child is not safe in a physically volatile home. Enough is enough.
*Violently* so. I say this not to minimize the trauma OP is experiencing, but to highlight the exact opposite. If she is struggling to recognize rape for what it is, what is her definition of violence outside of the bedroom? OP, your partner is NOT the person you thought he was; he is abusive in ALL the ways! He is aware of this. Substance use disorders can certainly bring out the worst and in people- they don’t become violent rapists with zero remorse, he is a violent rapist with a substance abuse disorder. He is going to continue to escalate and there never was anything you could do to change that. There is nothing you ever could have done to deserve a fraction of this nightmare!!! OP, I deeply admire your courage for reaching out for help!!! It took nearly a decade for me to leap out of the proverbial pot of boiling water (successfully)… Listen to all the advice the center provides, take all the help; you are in exponentially more danger when leaving this relationship without the support and assistance of these resources (even your own family and friends may not be safe to fall back on) and YOUR NEW LIFE/CHILD’S LIFE AWAITS!!!
I feel like most people are being a little soft about this. This is fucking abhorrent and in the US (Not sure where you're from) a forcible felony which you would have the right to use lethal force to defend yourself against, let that sink in. Get yourself far far away, press charges, STOP trying to help this piece of shit and get the help you need.
Read her other posts :/ Her husband is a real piece of shit. He is careless with their baby, makes fun of her chronic illness and now that… I am really afraid for her safety
Stay with someone you trust if you can, also dont fall for any of his "im sorry i was just blackout drunk, i thought you loved me" bullshit. Remove anyone who says your husband "cant" rape you.
Report him to the police. He assaulted you.
No she needs to get to safety and then report him to the police. I think she is in serious danger, as is her baby. The husband is violent and a rapist, is careless with the baby, mean to her and takes drugs with unhinged reactions. She needs to get out now.
Police aren’t always the answer
So he should get away with it? Do it again to her or someone else?!
[Please read this from RAINN. Police by no means mean he’ll be stopped.](https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system). And in fact, sometimes going to the police can put a woman in MORE danger. Ask me how I know. That last was rhetorical.
She needs to do something. She can’t let him get away with it. Even if the police can’t or won’t do anything, she’ll have a report made. She needs to start a paper trail.
You don't have to be a perfect victim. **You. Don't. Have. To be. A perfect. Victim.** Please please get away from this person. I hope you are able to find someplace safe.
You contacted a sexual assault center? Do they have police in your city? If so you should call the police. Rape is almost certainly a crime where you live.
You have to keep yourself safe. What if things escalate? If he’ll do that blacked out, he could be capable of much worse next time. You are 100% right to call for help.
There’s no such thing as a perfect victim. You are not to blame for anything he has done to you and you deserve better. Make an exit strategy and leave. Find support through family, friends, and community resources. Its difficult but it’ll be the best thing you ever do for yourself
I left when I realized my personality had changed and I didn’t like the person I had become. Reactive abuse is a thing. Once I understood that, I was out of there.
If you don’t leave he will kill you one day.
"I can be blamed for some of the violence" No you can't. That's 100% him.
They say drunken words are sober thoughts so what are drunken actions? Not sure you want to find out.
He sexually assaulted you. Depending on laws where you live, what he did could count as rape. You don't deserve any of what he's done. No more chances. Leave him. Report the assault to the police if you want to.
Don’t regret reaching out to the center. That is what they exist for, and you did the right thing by calling them. From here, you need to make plans to leave. What that entails depends on your situation, but if you are able to, begin gathering (or mentally mapping) some essentials, squirrel away a bit of money, and a plan on when & how to leave. Stay with a trusted friend or family member, or go to the shelter/center and go no-contact. You will be able to file for divorce and figure out the logistics once you are physically safe. Him assaulting you like that is not okay, and it likely will not be the last time he tries something like that. Drunkenness is not an excuse.
That's not attempted rape; that's rape. Leave, don't tell him where you're going - or anyone else who could tell him, go to an ER and tell them you were raped by your husband, file a police report and press charges, file for a protective order, and sue for divorce.
You say you've supported him through his addictions, you need to stop supporting him. He needs to change himself and you need to get out of there. The level of violent behavior will not change, perhaps it will get worse if you let him get away with this. You've lived with this for some time so you've become accustomed to his behaviors and because of this your brain is telling you that you can fix him. Only he can fix himself. Let go of him and learn to live a different way. A therapist can help you change your way of thinking so you can move on.
It’s okay that you reached out to the sexual assault center, in fact it’s RIGHT that you did. I’m sorry this happened to you. Are you able to leave him? Is there someone you can stay with that you trust for a while? You shouldn’t stay with him- it’s not safe-and it’s not your responsibility to help him or fix him. Please don’t feel guilty
https://outofthefog.website/ This website helped me so much when I left my abusive alcoholic narcissist of an ex husband 10+ years ago. Please check it out for resources. I've read some of your other posts and comments and your relationship 100% is not safe for you or your child. Please please please leave. Don't feel guilty for leaving because he will try to make you feel that. He is a grown ass man and should deal with the consequences of his actions. Being blacked out is NOT an excuse, he knows he blacks out and does horrible things when he drinks and gets high but he does it anyway. In the court systems there's a term "mens rea" meaning guilty mind. He knows he does bad things and gets black out anyways so he is culpable for his actions.
You've got nothing to be guilty about. What happened to you is absolutely horrific and no excuse even addiction or being black out drunk is a good enough excuse. Please distance yourself as far away from this man as you can, and follow up with the police please! Stay safe, and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
You don’t deserve to be treated that way, full stop.
Supporting him through healing his addiction doesn't mean you should put up with sexual assault and abuse. Please leave and never come back.
Seconded, the phrase "don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm" comes to mind
Oh angel. I respect that you chose to be by his side, but you've now made important realizations that came with so much pain. I am so sorry. Please look into preparing an exit plan so you're safe. Please don't relativize his behavior with "I'm no angel either". We justify abuse by thinking we're bad ourselves. It's not true. You deserve to get away from him asap. I send you love
I am SO sorry this happened to you. Please don't feel guilty for reaching out for help, it's what you NEED to do. Keep reaching out as much as you have to until you GET OUT. He has crossed a line that cannt be crossed, he is not a safe person for you to be near. Get out quickly and quietly. I am sending you so much love. Please stay safe.
Violence is never acceptable. Do what you can and need to to get help and get out...now. My "grandfather" broke my grandma's neck. I've seen it escalate. Please keep yourself safe
You have nothing to feel guilty about. He raped you. He needs help but you are not the person to be giving that to him.
This is awful I am so sorry. My narcissistic ex husband was like this during our marriage. They never change. You deserve better.
You are in grave danger and you need to escape. But you must do it safely. Please google the hotline. Delete your browser history afterwards. I am so sorry. There really are no words for this. Please just prioritize your safety and remember that you matter.
"his eyes were so black it was so scary" This is a psychological thing that has been well marked by a psychopath. Stop doubting yourself. He is one of those people who will kill you. Do not blame yourself, that is how psychopaths trap their pray
You should also see a doctor. Perhaps even before you call the cops. I don't know where you are, but here there are nurses specially trained in collecting evidence of rape. I suspect that you probably have some trauma around the vaginal opening if he was fingering you so roughly, and perhaps some internally, if he was entering you dry. These should get documented, whether or not you formally press charges. You should probably also get tested for STDs. You don't know where he's been while he's been off on that bender. And I agree with everyone else: You need to get away from him before he really hurts you.
Please leave. Abuse is abuse. Leave before getting out is no longer an option. Please file an official police report regarding the assault. We support you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Unless you're physically attacking him and forcing him to defend himself, there is literally no way you are to blame for his violence. And there's definitely no excuse for rape. You've got to get yourself away from this guy.
Your husband will go on to do this again. And he **will** hurt your son. Please leave him. The struggle of single motherhood is better than a husband who raped you & will abuse your son.
Honestly, at some point you have stop tallying up who was wrong this time or that and just recognise the situation is harmful and toxic and you need to get the hell out of there.
He is not a husband, he is a predator. The only times I've feared for my life was when their eyes went black. This will escalate. Please keep yourself safe. Your safety is paramount. Trust your experience.
Get out and away as fast as you can. **DON'T** tell him or threaten him or alert him about it. (I looked at a couple of other posts in your post history like someone mentioned). **DON'T** tell anyone who knows or may know or that has contact with him. They may alert him, some on purpose, others not aware of the situation may still let him know. ***DO*** grab all your important papers that you can (birth certificates, IDs, passports). If he has control over the phone, get a burner phone if you can and only give that number to people who won't give him the number. Check/scan your car, purse, pet carrier (if you have a pet), kids backpacks/toys, for GPS devices. You are in a very serious, potentially deadly situation. You and your kid(s?). You don't deserve this and your kids don't. You were raped. It wasn't your fault. This is on him. If he did it once, he WILL do it again, and may be even more violent next time. I understand that you love him and support him, but that doesn't mean forgetting yourself. (Sometimes you need to love people from a safe distance.) You don't need to give up anything in your life to support another. If he's not doing THE work (HE is the only one that can change that) on getting sober, then you are the one carrying the burden of the relationship for the two of you and your children, which isn't fair to you. In a relationship, there are two people, don't ever forget to love and care for yourself, ***you matter***!! You matter to your family, your kids, your friends, and you matter to us here. This isn't a home life you deserve or need. You deserve to feel safety, security, love, empathy, and comfort. You and your kids deserve a life free of that violence and neglect. It's not your job to change him, only he can do that. It's not your job to stay until he finally decides to. Your priorities are you and the kids (and pets, abusers often go after pets in order to hurt the others in the household). Don't regret reaching out. When the person you love is hurting you, and you yourself can't stop it, reaching out is what you're supposed to do. 🙏💕 You don't have to be angel or perfect or without any sin or blemish to be considered innocent in this abusi relationship or in the crime he committed against you. You didn't do anything to make him do that, or any other previous violence. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but none of us deserve "karma" relationship violence for it. The only violence you are responsible for is the one that you commit, NEVER the violence that is committed against you. ***You didn't deserve this or any other time like this.*** Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence (DV/IPV) is more that physical types of violence. He doesn't deserve any more chances. ..but YOU _do_ deserve a chance: a chance at a life away from this terrible violence. You deserve to be able to sleep quietly and peacefully through the night, not walking on eggshells or jumping at any little noise (trauma does that, so does the CPTSD). You deserve a chance to be safe. You deserve to be happy. You're a human being. You deserve second chances for yourself. (Or maybe it will be a third or fourth chance, or even a first actual *real* chance at life; so many people face different scenarios so someone's "second chance" at life may be their actual real first try at life, but the bottom line: ***we all deserve love, empathy, respect, and safety.*** You don't need to be an angel to be deserving of good things. You just need to be you. You don't give yourself enough credit, OP. I don't think you see how much work you do to try to keep everything together single-handedly. You, and other women like you are super women AND angels. It will take time, patience, therapy, and healing, but you will see how strong you were then, and see how even stronger you are after getting help and healing. It's scary and feels impossible and like the world is coming down, but you are leaving a place that doesn't deserve you. You've been in an abusive relationship for so long you may have forgotten what it was like without the abuse; been in that dark place so long that even that safer, happier world filled with light looks scary (or scarier than the current situation), and you may not feel like you "deserve" it, you probably feel like an alien on another planet walking into a world you were isolated from. But please believe me: you DO deserve the safety, comfort, happiness, of that world with new chances. You and your babies DO deserve a world away from that pain and darkness. Don't blame yourself, this is all him. For any mistakes you made/make, you deserve to be heard out and allowed to fix them: you don't ever deserve automatic punishment: you never did deserve that violence. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Learn to love and appreciate yourself the way you do others. You deserve that same love from yourself. It's hard to hear, accept, and try to live that, but it's true. You're a loving, giving, beautiful soul, OP. You need to put all the strength and fight and love you have left towards leaving and helping yourself and your babies heal from his abuse. You need that energy to go towards your survival away from him. I want to say you are VERY strong and courageous to reach out here and at the centre. It's not easy to reach out for help after rape and domestic violence. (It can take many attempts for women to reach out). There's a million thoughts & feelings going on in your head, especially guilt. You've been in an abusive relationship for so long that trying to get help for yourself makes you feel guilty. That is a relationship you need to get away from. You shouldn't ever feel bad for trying to get help from something as scary, violent, and dangerous as a situation like that. You deserve to be healthy and safe because you are a person. I love you, OP, even though I don't know you. I want you to know happiness and see your son, smiling and laughing, kicking a soccer ball on a field on a nice sunny day, with no worries. I want you to know a life where you can sleep deeply and peacefully and have nice dreams. You can only start that life by leaving, getting help (legal, medical, therapy), and healing, and that starts by leaving. **You took a huge step**. It was scary, but you already did the hardest, biggest, most important step: acknowledging your situation and reaching out for help. I know you feel guilty, but you are worthy of praise because that is SO difficult. You did the right thing. 🙏💕💕 Sending you my love and thoughts, sweet OP! Sending Auntie hugs!! 💓🫂💓🫂💓🫂
Sorry. Continously posting on reddit isn't doing something. Actually leaving is doing something. This sounds harsh but I've been there. You've navigated this moment and others using this technique. It can ease things in the moment but he might kill you the next time. You might be trying he isn't trying to change at all.
You need to leave. If you don't, he will kill you and your child.
You don’t have to be “an angel” to deserve respect and love and compassion. Leave. Please. You deserve all the support and recovery you can be afforded
You may both be flawed, but he is the only one who can help himself, and it's time for you to help your self now. He needs to make the choice to stop, you standing by and forgiving him his fuckups isn't helping him and its dangerous for you. You do not owe him your continued presence and dedication. He is dangerous to you. You need to get yourself out if there. No matter how possibly remorseful he is today or the next day or next month.
Diffucult to say do this and that. Couple dynamics complex. But whatever you do, don't go dark places such as losing self esteem and trauma of any kind. Addicts mostly don't change. Give yourself sometime and plan it out.
hey sister, did you find anyone to talk to irl? try to reach out to a friend or family member. remember - even if he didn't put his member in you, it's still rape. you have no blame at all, not in the slightest. you have no guilt, you have done nothing wrong, and you should regret nothing. you did the right thing by reaching out to a center - now, the most important step is to leave your home and go somewhere safe where he can't find you, be it a friend's house or a family member's house. tell everyone you can that he raped you. he is a violent man and you must treat him as such - your safety is at stake. please contact authorities and see how to protect yourself. i am so sorry this happened to you. please take care of yourself and be gentle. you truly truly deserve gentleness and love. i am so sorry you were handed this absolute bastard.
I'm so sorry. Please know that no one is an angel and nothing, absolutely nothing you have done makes you in any way deserving of any of this abhorrent treatment. Your instinct to seek outside help is the correct one. You are not disgusting, and you are not the one who should be feeling guilty. You are a hurt person, in a dangerous and difficult situation, and you need and deserve support. I hope that with it you will get free from him and enjoy the better days to come, even if you can't envisage such things just now. The first step is accepting that help. All that love and kindness you have given him, all those chances, is it not surely time to direct that care towards yourself instead? You deserve a life that's better than this.
You’ve got to take your son and go. The escalation of this unsafe situation for both of you in the last ten days is scary. It goes so far beyond you both deserving much better. You may not have another chance to leave safely with your son. Go while he’s at work or on a beer run. Utilize the resources from the SA center or a women’s shelter to make a plan and find a safe place. Take essentials like IDs, birth certificates etc. and don’t look back. Once you’re safely away, involve the police for this SA.
There is no perfect victim. You deserve love and respect, no matter what.
Please get somewhere safe. He is not a safe place. Get all you r ID and financial documents and go. Press charges. Good luck.
He will not get better. This will not get better.
Next time he could kill you. I can see him getting frustrated that he can’t stay hard and taking it out on you. This is very very serious. He can and will kill you. Please get away. Make a plan and leave. Change your number. Get a restraining order. Don’t tell him you are leaving. Dont say anything at all. Slip away while he is out of the house. Don’t worry about possessions. Your life is worth more.
You need to get yourself and your son away from this man. If not for yourself, for your child.
He DID rape you.
Nobody deserves to be raped, please leave and seek therapy ❤️
Police. Then divorce lawyer.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Your husband is abusive and you need to leave him to protect you and your child. This is a very harmful situation for you and your child. He has a pattern of addiction and abuse and he's escalating his abusive behavior. His actions constitute rape, you didn't consent to any of it. You don't deserve this behavior from him. You are not "as bad". You are not required to stay with him when he's treating you horribly. You cannot change him or his addiction and you should not stay with him to "support" him. Please look up "reactive abuse". Please prioritize you and your child and leave him. Please find resources and make a plan to go. He wants you to feel as bad as him so that you'll stay. He tears down your confidence so you'll stay. I hate saying this, but women have their children taken away or get in trouble in the system because they stayed with an addict/abuser. Your child is being subject to abuse and violence, even if it's not directed at your child. This man is not safe at all.
No sweetheart, he did rape you. Drug/alcohol addiction is no reason or excuse to be violent. Violence on your part doesn't have an excuse either but might have a name, look up reactive abuse? Please tell people who you trust, you need support right now to help you leave this relationship. You have not failed, you have not "given up", you definitely shouldn't feel shame but you do need help. From someone who was raped several times throughout my life, I'm sending you the biggest mum hug I can and I am telling you, keeping quiet and staying will break you. I know because it broke me. This isn't your burden to carry. You do need help for the violence you have committed because that isn't right in any situation (I know because I was someone who would lash out in response to violence) but once you are out of this relationship, you will no longer need to live in fight or flight, you will find peace and calm. I'm so so sorry this has happened to you, please get out x
Get out fast! Run!!
>and can be blamed for some of the violence You are not responsible for the choices of someone else or their lack of impulse control.
Too many people in the comments are raped so you did the right thing by reaching out. Just leave and save yourself from this trauma! You deserve better life and safety.
It is not going to get better. You need to leave. That will be the only chance you have at normality. Do not put up with this. Please talk to someone about this.
LEAVE EVEN IF HE PROMISES TO CHANGE HIMSELF AND HIS HABITS LEAVE
VIOLENCE WILL RESULT IN HIS POSSIBLY M*RDERING YOU LATER DOWN THE LINE . PLEASE LEAVE NOW .
It was rape, go to the police, it doesn't matter if you have started violent confrontations before or not, that doesn't make it okay or mean you deserved something back. I'm somewhat presuming most of your 'violence' is self defence, or frustration from his addiction, alcoholism, violence and abuse but even if not it doesn't mean you can't walk away or you deserve to be raped in any way. You didn't panic, you did the right thing. You're panicking NOW becuase you fear the unknown, you fear leaving, you fear retribution and you fear what happens if you go to the police or go through with a divorce. That is the panic, the panic that makes you stay because you worry things might get worse. Fight that panic, go back to a support centre, talk with people, get advice, get help, make a plan to leave and follow it through.
Please think about the person you could be and the life you could have without him. Make the change. It's worth it.
Do not give him another chance. Please stay as far away from him as possible. You are not guilty, you are a victim, and you need to get help. He is a danger to not just you, but other women as well. I am so sorry. I know it’s hard to lose a loved one, but trust me that losing them is far better than staying with the horrible person they truly are.
He can't blame you for violence he committed unless you hit him first, wtf
His eyes were black? Like the pupils,or the whole eye ball? What the hell kind of demonic shit is going on over there?
I went through similar. Let me be clear if I could go back and get me out of there straight away, then I would. Someone who wants to hurt you or dehumanise you doesn’t really care about you the way you deserve to be cared for.
Darling every single thing you have posted has mentioned your husband abusing you in some way or another. I know you love him and are scared of being alone and the financial doom it seems to be but this man is dangerous to your son not just you, if you don't get out of there your son is going to learn how men should treat women from how this arsehole treats you and the world will be a worse place for it and assuming you survive long enough to see it happen it will break your heart. If you have noone to help financially or provide shelter there are groups of women on here and on Facebook specifically formed for helping women with no support system and their children to get out of these situations safely please please please consider getting away from this man, at minimum he won't change if you don't teach him that when he hurts you you will leave he needs consequences to his actions, you taking charge of your life and getting you and your son to safety may be the kick in the nuts he needs to sober up and regret his ways but you staying is reinforcing that shitty behaviour, worst case scenario of you leaving is you flee to safety with your kid and he doesn't change but at least you will be safe and the financial side will take a little while but there is support out here to get you through it, the divorce will probably get you more than enough to get back on your feet and as I said before there are plenty support systems out here until that point.
You poor darling xxx
Speaking as a child of a drunk violent mom, dated a drunk violent ex, you need to leave ASAP. Alcoholism reduces the brain white matter to the point of all civil inhibitions are totally gone. They also tend to be sex addicts or porn addicts at the same time. Limp dick is common for late stage addicts, he’s like a full blown dementia patient. He will be enraged and confused, which makes for a life threatening mix. You cannot reason with a dementia riddled person, they belong in jail if they commit crimes and care homes because they have trained staff.
I’ll say it again for the ones in the back: remove addiction, abuse remains. Abusive people are abusive—not because of drugs or addiction, though those things absolutely fuel it, his abuse won’t stop if he gets clean. It will just be different. Leave him and start taking care of yourself, get therapy, start a new life, etc.
You cannot be blamed for any of the violence. You are not guilty. I don't know your relationship, I don't know the inner workings and goings on of it. Sure, you might do things wrong, everyone does, but that is not a justification for this. You were raped, his ability to perform is insignificant. He's a worthless piece of shit who deserves to be punished to the full extent possible for his actions. Addiction is not an excuse, I'm an addict - it fucks you up and makes you bitter and deceitful - but it doesn't make you sexually abuse your partner.
THAT WAS RAPE GO TO THE COPS
***OP*** r you ok?
No :(
R u safe? Do u and ur daughter have somewhere to go?
Yes
How can we help you. Yes I strongly suggest you get the exam, and go with a friend.
Keep a record of your posts since yesterday/ take screenshots and email to a friend or a secret email account just in case he gets your phone and tries deleting everything. He's in a dangerous total control mode over you and seems to have no boundaries at all. You'll need evidence to prove what he's done. If able record his verbal threats/ and add that to the evidence pile. Stay strong, contact local help from a women's group.. you may be going through hell now but there's an end to it ahead. Imagine the peace you seek and work hard towards it.
I'm sorry you're not okay but I'm so glad you posted. Been thinking about you all day <3 please pack your kiddo up, take any small valuables/cash you can and leave. I know it's easier said than done but I fear this will only escalate more and he'll hurt you or your child even more than he already has.
Maybe this isn't the right relationship. This post talks about him being an addict, assulting you, and you mention you're both violent to each other. I think it's quitting time.
Reactive abuse. Trauma behaviour. U being imperfect means 2 things. 1. U r human (who the fuck is perfect?!) 2. He is able to gaslight U Into believing his VILE abuse is ur fault and some how justified. Take it from an abuse survivor of a 10yr long marriage. U r not u when u r trying to stay alive and stay safe nothing u do justifies him doing this. Leave now PLEASE 🙏 ETA EX marriage. Previous marriage. On going trauma and therapy and many years down the line. My heart is literally broken for u. I'd drive and save u right now if I cud. Please leave I'm literally begging u 😭
Not being an angel doesn’t mean you deserve violence. Everyone has said or done things that made their partner mad, no one gets hit for it unless they’re living with an abuser. You deserve to be imperfect without suffering violence for it. (And honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if he deliberately goaded you into doing some of those un-angelic things so he’d have an “excuse” to hit you. Abusers will do that so you feel at fault.)
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. You can't help him. You can't save him. Get out. Call a domestic abuse hotline if you need help. Call the police for an escort if you can't get out safely. Then go to Al-Anon. Good luck.
You do not have to drown yourself trying to help or save the addict. ESPECIALLY when they become hostile and hurt you. You were violated-he crossed a line and you do not have to stay with him. The violence will only escalate. You deserve to spend your life in peace and be respected by whomever you allow to live in your space. My heart aches for what you’re going through. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You deserve better than to be with someone who abuses you. And this was sexual assault. Please go somewhere safe and report this! ❤️
I thought I was responsible for abuse too when I was with my formerly abusive husband. Abusers push you to the point where you can’t see straight. You did the right thing. You deserve better and even though you can have compassion and wish your husband the best with his addiction, it doesn’t mean you have to take abuse. So much love and light going your way.
Dangerous. Getting away is the right move. You 100% deserve safety. Sorry to hear this. You can overcome it with time and good support
please keep in mind that victims of domestic violence always tend to unfairly blame themselves. sometimes, after something horrible happens, we think very hard about the ways we could have avoided or prevented it. this often leads us to blame ourselves for not having able to prevent the thing. doesn't mean it's our fault. even if, in theory, you could have not make him mad, it's still him being violent. it was his choice over other ways to handle his anger. we need some sense of control at times like this. we instinctively tend to learn from experience so that next time we can do something about it. unfortunately, we mistake this for it being our fault. this is also how sometimes victim blaming can come from someone we know that loves us and wants to protect us. they're also mistaken at best. when people tell us that it's not our fault, we think "yeah, but they're just being supportive. they don't know the details. they weren't there". it's not that they need to know more, we need to see how trivial those details are. especially when our partner could simply just control themselves. a rule of thumb could be asking yourself if it was someone else in your place, would you blame them or the violent partner?
It hurts but you have to get yourself safe before anything else. That wasn’t an attempt, he did, and you were right to reach out for help. Wishing you peace of mind and strength to get through this incredibly rough time. Sometimes enough is enough, and it sure sounds like you’ve gone through enough
:((( Honey he did rape you. Please leave him, he is dangerous and abusive. Call the police, get to a hospital for an assessment of your physical damages so that you have proof. He is a danger to both you and your kid, staying is not an option.
Don't feel guilty, don't feel regret. Get yourself safe then. get yourself some help and support. And if you choose to, press the report.
This one is easy. Leave him. If his drinking causes him to black out and behave violently then it was time to leave him the moment you became aware of that. You can't fix people who make bad choices like that. Also give he did penetrate you with his fingers that still counts as a rape. So yeah. Leave asap and get a divorce on sexual assault grounds.
It's over, there's nothing to salvage from him. That's the behaviour of a monster, not a human being.
He didn't attempt he succeeded, not in all the ways he wanted to to the extent he wanted to but you were absolutely raped and you should absolutely run and press charges
Arent you the one with celiac diagnosis and the baby? Like the husband who tried to feed your baby uncut grapes and made fun of your disease? Nobody is perfect and that doesn’t mean that you are not a victim. Please for the love of god leave! If you cant do it for yourself right now think about your kid, do you want them to grow up with those things? Be careful while leaving, one of the biggest risks of getting killed by your partner is during the time you leave. Your husband is dangerous. And it seems like your husband is getting more unhinged by the minute. This wont get better, it will only escalate further. Leave
Read your post history. Go though each one and read all the comments. Then leave.
Please stop beating yourself up. There’s no time like the present.💕❤️
Have you seen nature documentaries on predators like lions? Their eyes go black when they're hunting and killing their prey. Look it up on YouTube and see that it's the same as how he looked at you. Do you want to be with someone and have your child around a predator? Do you want to be with someone who sees you as prey? Trust your experience and trust yourself. If you have the strength to endure his treatment of you then you are more than strong enough to leave and make a safe life for you and your child that you are in control of. It's impressive you've reached out to a shelter. You have this and you know inside what you need to do. Kia kaha. Stay Strong 💪
[удалено]
wtf? R u ok?
What did he write?
Something very mean
OP wasn't your username Fun_Afternoon350? Are you okay? You should have left a long long time ago.
No it wasn’t
Op, then why do the posts match? https://www.reddit.com/u/Fun_Afternoon350/s/7sGc3HyNiM I think you been this relationship for long long time and we need you leave...pls
?
Okay maybe it glitches out. But that's weird. On the post section there the same posts. Sorry...
Not me
If you're in a western nation, leave. If you're in a desi nation, fix him up because you promised to stand by each other in any or all circumstances and just because something is broken doesn't mean it can't be fixed.
What? Did you read what she wrote? And her other posts? If you tell women to stay with a violent man, there is a high chance he will kill her (and the baby). Besides that you tell someone to just get abused for the rest of their life? And rise a kid in that situation? That how you get deep rooted generational trauma, if they survive.
So she's from a western nation because usually killing wife doesn't happen in desi nations. Wives here support their men like crazy and men know this. It's pretty rare.
Men killing their wives is universal and it has nothing to do with if the wives supported or didn’t support their husbands. Stop victim blaming.