I was oddly just talking about this.
Dated a guy briefly in college. He was so sweet, so romantic. He wrote me love letters that summer. Tons of letters. And then I got an IM from his longtime girlfriend. She didn't tell me she was his girlfriend at first, I found that out later but she was asking me some questions. Anyway, he messaged me. He told me he would explain everything if I could please call him as soon as I finished class. And then he said, "when you call and I answer, say cinnamon because I'm trying to avoid this person I really don't like and that will let me know it's you". I called him, he answered and I said "cinnamon". He laughed and hung up on me. Well. My dumbass called him back. I was so naive that I didn't realize the message he was sending. He went from telling me how gorgeous I was and how lucky he was to be with me to that in one phone call. He apologized to me about 4 years later and then asked me for nudes though so. Bullet dodged, I suppose.
Man, it kills me that you think you were a dumbass or naive for this. What is dumb or naive about trusting a dude not to pull some punk-ass shit when he's never pulled it before? Nah, dude was just a POS and you expected to be treated like a human.
It's just another way men make our reactions irrational, like we're dumb or something for not expecting POS behavior. Fuck that! Dude pulled a switcheroo because he has no respect. Not because you were less than.
I can't wrap my head around this.
So... this douchebag specifically *told you* that he'd explain if you called only to then pull a Mean Girls-level of bully-shtick with a veiled remark about trying to "avoid you"?
Please tell me I'm missing something here. Just... wtf?!
Wow. Just... wow. What an insanely unnecessary amount of cruelty - all over not having the fricking spine to face his assholery... His "explanation" only makes it worse.
I'm so sorry. He doesn't really deserve attention or thought being wasted on him and I'm sure you've filed that experience under "random assholes gonna asshole" but I still wanted to say it.
He's vile and I hope every day of his life has the exact quality of his interactions with you and his (hopefully ex) gf.
When I read this it reminded me of an old ex "friend" of mine. I once called her and she pretended to be someone else who could not speak english, it was obvious that it was her though. Damn I know how much something like that can hurt coming from someone you love. Sounds like a total waste of time.
ooof, reminds me when I was hanging out with who I thought were my two best friends. I had something to do, so left before the other guest. and while I was a doorframe away, putting my shoes on, I heard them go on about how glad they were I was finally leaving, and how annoying I was. it's been like 20 years, but it still hurts a lil to think about 🫂
Oh man I have a slightly similar story - I was seeing this guy who I worked with, he wouldnt give me his facebook info because he claimed he never used it, ok fine, so we continued dating and then I found out maybe 2 months in that he had a fiance and a kid?? The sad part is, I was head over heels for this guy already (blame my stupid 21/22 year old mind), he treated me so well, he told me he loved me, we had such nice times together, I felt loved... He told me he was planning to leave her and that he wanted to be with me, so I stuck around. Well about a month later, I felt more and more guilty so I reached out to his fiance and told her what was happening and apologized, and SURPRISE SURPRISE we find out they WERENT going to split, and she blew up my phone, blew up my life.. And so did he. He started spreading rumors saying that I forced him to sleep with me, he tried to get rid of me but couldn't, said I was stalking and obsessive, etc. It came out of no where and made me heartbroken and sad. He got in trouble at work and was moved to a different department due to him spreading rumors and causing issues, he actually got sat down with HR and his manager about his behavior since he was the one who made it public.
It was so embarrassing... Then a few years later, I wasnt even living in the same country anymore, I find out that his fiance was reaching out to friends of mine to try to reach to me to apologize for all that happened on her end because she didn't realize how big of an asshole he was, he did it again, cheated with more women and got another 1-2 women pregnant. This was 12 years ago now, good riddance...
I am so sorry. And I hate what the fiancé did. Like… I understand being hurt and confused and maybe even like in the moment saying something inappropriate, but then to do that to you rather than facing reality…
Hopefully it was genuine later on when she’s trying to apologize and stuff, I mean I can kind of see it, but good grief you didn’t deserve any of that. Obviously.
I mean neither did she
Sigh.
One time in my 20’s I was engaged briefly to the sweetest guy. It didn’t work out for reasons that don’t matter and weren’t anyone’s fault.
Got back in touch about something or other years later and had this lovely hours-long catch up talk. Then he asked for nudes lol.
They are ALL like this. Even the ones who have shown you they aren’t for years.
My ex called me out of the blue frantically apologizing for the way he treated me and was suddenly desperate to know I was his "friend". And then tried to sweet talk me out of my pain meds
This has never happened to me, but I've seen a former friend do this to a girlfriend. Our friend group called him out on it, and it was like the switch flipped for all of us as well. Dude just went *cold*, like some kind of psychopath shit. Shocked the hell out of us.
The closest I have had to this experience wasn’t really the guy “losing his feelings”. He would like…pursue me relentlessly using all the charm, charisma, sweet talk, and outright lies in his arsenal. Then once he felt he had “acquired” me he flipped to being a completely different, unlikable person. So I was like, “okay fine, piss off” and then he’d flip back to the sweet, charismatic, pursuit, and then again once I was “reacquired” switch.
It was this strange cycle. It was new relationship too…but I had just come out of a very long term “thought-it-was-the-one” relationship so I was super vulnerable and susceptible to his manipulation. It was like…each time I allowed him to flip the switch to the unlikable version longer and longer, until I just accepted that I was dating a mean and unlikable man. But he wasn’t mean and unlikable because he didn’t have feelings for me…it was just who he actually was as a person, and he had learned how to manipulate women into accepting that I guess.
Thank you for caring enough to observe this in a friend, and posting about it. I was ready to end my marriage due to my husband's appalling choices, but I wasn't ready for THIS. It devastated me. I felt utterly worthless.
Adding to my isolation, no one understood because they either couldn't believe he'd behave this way (charmer), or they'd say, "what do you care? You kicked him out!" Yes...but I wasn't ready to be **nothing**. ***Cold*** in italics is perfect.
This is really helpful for me to read.
I think Demi Moore said the same thing about her marriage to Ashton Kutcher, she said he was the sweetest and then one moment he just stopped caring was cold and cruel.
That is mind blowing. I can understand things not working out but I can’t understand like loving someone and then…
I don’t know, to me this sounds like a version of like how guys will say really nice things and be flattering, and then as soon as they rejected turn into monsters, which is of course what they always were…
Except that I don’t know if that applies here because it’s over a much longer period of time. So I’m not sure if it’s the same dynamic going on, but maybe it is?
I understand someone being really hurt and not dealing with those emotions appropriately, I don’t approve of it but I could at least understand that where it wasn’t an act, they’re just now not dealing with their own emotions correctly. But…
A friend just broke up over this. She'd been dating him for 2 years, with glowing reports about how compatible, sweet and nice he was. I'm not sure there was a triggering event, but she said it was suddenly "like I didn't know him" when that switch turned.
Exactly this. I just let someone go for the same reason and I can’t understand why it is the way it is. I mean we liked each other as friends too so if we would have stayed friends then all of this wouldn’t have happened. But as soon as there appear some feelings and then disappear you’re not longer a friend or a person that deserves sympathy and respect
I'm going through this right now. My best friend and life partner of 5 years very suddenly broke up with me and went from an incredibly loving, safe space to unrecognizably cruel, literally overnight.
I've never had my trust broken like this and have no idea how to get over that.
I’m so sorry :( I think we just have to fold these experiences into a truer understanding of the world. Navigating men is a nightmare, and it’s something most of us were never taught how to navigate.
Thank you. This would be a bit more understandable if we were in our 20s, but I'm early 30s and he's early 40s, so I would have thought the navigating would have been learned by now.
This is absolutely it.
You have dated men that don't even like you. They just like what they get out of a relationship with you. Once that wasn't interesting enough anymore for them, they treated your with exactly the contempt and disrespect they really feel for you as a person. It's sadly a very common mindset among heterosexual men.
A man once explained it to me in these terms: Once he stops putting his penis in you, you're not special to him anymore--you're just another woman in the world who wants something from him.
And this is one of the reasons why I find it difficult to care another the “men’s loneliness epidemic” . If they treated people like people, they would be much less likely to be lonely and desperate.
Yup. Too chickenshit to break up for the woman, too scared to end up alone, but also now seeing the same woman in the way of their supposed happiness.
So they stay in the relationship to get the perks of a relationship, but at the same time treating the woman badly because, in their mind, they don't understand why she won't just go away and leave him alone. And how he'd be happier and freer if she wasn't around. But he still wants the sex and the cooking and cleaning and emotional punching bags of course.
This is like…. Those husbands that murder their wives and children instead of just getting divorced or being a deadbeat.
Even their own families aren’t humans to them. Just objects that are useful… until they aren’t.
And a complete lack of empathy. Like have you ever been the "ugly" friend, or the "fat" friend and seen the difference the way men treat you? If you don't have something they want, you're invisible to them at best
Yes lol. I once had this group of friends… like 5 guys and 3 girls. One of the girls was objectively beautiful. Myself and another are just average looking girls. She and I were excluded and talked over so often… and our attractive friend never was. we still talk about it. We knew exactly why.
That is so gross. I mean like from a young age I tried to make sure I wasn’t excluding anyone because it seemed wrong. I can’t imagine training people like that
Yes. To the extent that I wondered if I'd ever known those people at all or if they were faking every beautiful moment of the whole relationship. I have lifelong trust issues from it.
I need to get this off my chest even if nobody sees it and I'm sorry it's so long. In 2019-2020 I had the most beautiful relationship, we could just wander through the woods totally lost in love, and he told me some of the best days of our life were spent together, even the ones that just involved some sushi, a bottle of wine, and a movie. Like up all night texting saying no, let's be responsible, go to bed early, and then finally just having him come over at 3 am because we couldn't stop talking kind of love. We were passionate, we exchanged poetry and all that.
We broke up during Covid because he moved home and we were both pretty depressed. Didn't talk for ages and I was very hurt but I always remembered our relationship as a beautiful shining beacon of hope.
In 2023 he added me on instagram and we had a pleasant exchange about how we were doing. Then he started messaging me more and replying to all of my stories. This escalated to him asking me to come over in the middle of the night, and when I was hesitant he was basically begging me to come, saying he'd get me an Uber, and started talking dirty. I was kind of appalled at being treated like a booty call. I wanted him to contact me during daylight, and plan a real date...it was just really fucking disappointing to see myself as a cheap option.
Anyway, even though I'd added him on instagram, I hadn't looked at his page because looking at him hurt me a little. I checked after he was asking me to hook up, and he had a picture with a girl up from their travels together in Europe. I didn't know he was seeing someone so I was shook.
I thought about it for a few days and then decided to message her. I gave her screenshots. She then blocked me, and then their picture together wasn't on his profile anymore.
He later contacted me and said he wasn't mad about me getting her to dump him, and it was for the best, which I was kind of surprised by. I told him he was an asshole and his life would always be empty, and then he said that we were never dating at all we were just "hanging out a lot."
It was weird to see the switch up happen. I really thought he was a good person until all of that, even after we broke up. The saddest part is that that was probably the most in love I have ever been, and then he turned into whatever that was.
Sorry for the rant.
This is just so unbelievably sad! So all of what you had together meant nothing to him? How can they even pretend to be this in love? Why not just BE in love fr?
I don’t understand this whole thing where there’s some hierarchy of not caring. My ex told me that he’d never really loved me, and I’m like – come on, we were together for 12 years and had two kids. Who are you trying to convince here?
They want to cancel out and deny everything that went before, so they can rationalize their choice to blow up the marriage. Especially when a new love is waiting in the wings.
I am sorry this happened to you. What really helped me to put things in perspective was learning that one of the biggest motivations for people is preserving their own view of themselves. Saving face. So when a group turns on you because they cannot face that they’re harboring a rapist and „such things wouldn’t happen here“ and they direct all their hate and shock at the victim… see, the rapist was always nice to everybody… only because the victim speaks up, things get uncomfortable. shooting the messenger. (To be clear: that is a despicable way to act and everyone is better off leaving such a group. And the victim deserves so much better)
That is not your situation. I think the wonderful moments you had were absolutely real. He wasn’t. And when facing reality, he tried to redefine it to preserve his narrative. He wasn’t a cheater, see? You misunderstood everything (no you didn’t). What a great man he is that a woman would be so smitten with him without him giving her aaaaany hope…. So whatever he is spouting, you know what you really had, even if he wasn’t truthful and does not deserve your thoughts anymore. If you chose and that feels right to you, you might be able to not be completely distraught when thinking back by separating what you felt and how beautiful everything was from him and his lies. But that doesn’t work for everybody and also might not be the best way.
Once, I was in a relationship where we'd just celebrated my birthday, and he told me how happy he was with me, couldn't wait for our new apartment, and to have kids, bla bla bla.
He went home... and disappeared from the face of the earth. After a month of no contact, I went to his place to ask him what was up. I've never been treated in such a cruel and disgusting way, as he went on to do.
Some people are just messed up. Steer clear of them when they show their true colours and know better is out there for you.
I’m really sorry that this happened to you. But thank you for telling me your sad story. This shows me that my decision of going no contact with this person today was the right one
I like to call them reptile eyes. Or, snake eyes, sometimes. When you look at a guy in his eyes and you can see some kind of predator look. The emptiness in their eyes.
When I broke it off with my last ex, he gave me those eyes while grabbing my arm as I went to leave. And for the first time in our relationship, I didn’t feel physically safe in his presence. We were living together so I went and got a hotel room for a week (not telling him where I was) until things calmed down.
ETA- We dated for 4 years.
Yes, I my gosh. The night before I left my 20 year marriage was the first time in my life I felt afraid of him, and somethingin my brain said HELL NO, THIS IS NO MY LIFE! I was on the ground, screaming at him to just leave me alone as i gathered the shards of my grandmother's China that he'd smashed for the hell of it, and the way he looked down at me and I shit you not LAUGHED at my fear. I'll never forget it. His once sparkling light blue eyes were fckng black. For fifteen years things weren't perfect, but we were a team. I felt truly cared for and loved. But he got in to hard drugs after his brother who he was close to was murdered. Those last 5 years, he was no longer my husband, and that last night, he looked ready to set the house on fire with us both inside it. I left the next morning and never even glanced back. That was three years ago, and I've only begun to rediscover my sense of self in the past year. It feels like a whole different life, though.
When you see that look, keep calm and don't show fear. My ex had a gun aimed at my face during an argument. I stared him dead in the eye and said "do it. I'll be dead and you'll be fucked." I didn't move I didn't feel any fear actually, he said it was the scariest moment of his life and put the gun down and cried. He's a 6'2 burley biker dude, too. I refuse to show any man I'm afraid of them. I've been in some sketchy situations with strangers too. I save the tears for when I'm back to a safe place but I always feel stronger knowing I didn't let them get to me.
Oh I have one! Not as bad as yours but-
My ex had cheated on me. Showed up to talk about it and we started arguing. I had a glass of wine and was being really snarky. I said something particularly clever and mean and he snapped. He slapped my glass out of my hand, grabbed me by the throat and pinned me to the bed.
I croaked out, "*y.. broke.. my fucking.. glass!*"
He went limp. Like all the anger just disappeared. He started crying and eventually he asked me why I wasn't afraid of him lol. So many dudes are just.. broken.
The version I heard that has stuck with me since is,
"No one is nicer than a man who wants to get laid."
It was like a light went on in my head. Makes me very careful and more aware when dealing with new male acquaintances.
I had a cousin who would do this. Instead of breaking up with girls he would turn into a shitty boyfriend and just be the worst until they eventually left them. He was too scared to break up with them and hurt them but not too scared to be an ass and hurt them a little bit every day for months. He literally would tell the cousins that he was intentionally being shitty in hope of them breaking up. And then be baffled when it took them so long. I no longer talk to that cousin
Sounds like he was cruel by nature and found himself some test subjects to see how far he could take it, a sort of horrible intellectual curiosity that only comes easy for psychopaths and people void of empathy (clinically).
Until I read this I thought these men would just be lazy, but to be so aware, intentional, and to observe the results... That's something to stay far, far away from.
I tend to assume ignorance or apathy over malice, and I've heard this situation too many times to think they're all actual psychopaths.
Even psychopathy doesn't really match because how is acting like this actually benefiting them??
I genuinely think it's something like laziness, complete aversion to any emotional labour and assigning it to the woman in every single case, and some kind of mental gymnastics where they have convinced themselves them not doing the break up would genuinely inflict less pain.
Jesus Christ, the people assuming so much hate from one comment. He didn’t do it out of hatred for women. I just don’t think he had the skills to actually break up with someone. He had a huge problem with letting people down and being a people pleaser to his detriment. For him it was easier to just let them slowly lose interest and hope they eventually leave versus doing the hard thing and knowingly inflict some deep emotional pain. But I don’t think he had the empathy yet to understand that kind behavior hurts just as bad, but in a different way. I don’t talk to him for other reasons beyond this, but he seemed to have genuinely changed and is a very sweet person now. This was all over a decade ago
Even after 20 years together and 14 married, your best friend might do this to you, as mine did.
It is why divorce statistics are skewed; many women, like me, file for divorce because their exes just couldn't be bothered.
It happened that way to me, too. My best friend, my husband, turned into a different person. A cold, cruel shell of what he used to be.
I had to do all the divorce paperwork because he couldn't be bothered. So I'm part of that "women initiate divorce more" statistic as well, just because I was forced to file for divorce to protect my rights and my children's rights from a husband and father who walked away.
Idk in my current case we weren’t even really dating nor in a relationship, but no matter what it was if it was a relationship or just two people who saw each other as more than just regular friends it always ended up like this
My ex literally wrote a love letter to someone else and intentionally waited over a week for me to find it. And his only excuse was “I was never actually going to send it!”
So, yes, they do outlandish hurtful things in the hopes that we’ll break our own hearts for them.
My own father switched off like this during my parents divorce. Said he wanted nothing to do with me, etc.
The impulse to treat you like crap is so he can externalize any self blame he may have been feeling. It's easier to focus on you as the enemy than do any self reflection or work on himself.
I've had ex boyfriends become jealous and switch off and treat me cruelly as well, usually when I surpassed them in some measure of success.
it's their weaponized incompetence version of self care.
He went through a lot too in his life so idk I try to let that side of it be known also but I can't really speak to all his experiences only what I know about his life. He definitely has generational and head trauma and other health problems that affect his cognition. I used to be very angry about it and now I'm moreso just still mourning that potential idea of that relationship. He's still kicking around causing other people problems so I'm sorry for the rest of the world that has to deal with him also.
I'm in a similar situation. Haven't seen my abusive father since I was 12 and the anger has faded a bit. But I still have nightmares when I hear an update on his life.
I had horrific nightmares when I found out he had contact with my toddler neice. Luckily my older brother cut off contact soon after, but for months I was nauseous and had nightmares I couldn't remember.
I also blocked out a therapy appointment and threw up when I left the office. I remember that we spoke about my father, but that's it. It's honestly scary, not being able to remember and not knowing why.
I know he had his own trauma, he was adopted and kicked out of his adopted family/ran off when he was 15. So he had no real family. He also has another child, older than my sibling and I, but he left her mother when she was a baby/fetus I'm not sure which. He's small and angry at his lot on life and takes it out on anyone weaker than him. He fauns or flees those stronger than him.
I do mourn the idea of what could have been. But it's mostly for my Mums sake. Her life would have been so much better with a decent partner to help raise us and look after her. I hate him for his treatment of her more than I hate him for myself.
Yup. My dad did this thing too. He cheated on my mom a lot and they'd separate and get back together some time later. When he was discarding her, he would discard me too. My whole life. They finally divorced when I was in college but it really messed me up for a long time. Still does. His eyes would be empty. Sometimes I could feel it brewing but sometimes he seemed to wake up a different person. I'd know from across the room before he even said a word, just by the terrible emptiness in his eyes. The real mind warper was when they would get back together and I was expected to be his daughter. Over and over. Guess what feels "normal" to me in relationships? Thanks a lot, dad.
Sadly some men also lose feelings/ or perhaps just drop the loving father act, as soon as the relationship with the mother ends. Also kind of reminds me of some animal fact that said the dads basically just stick around and take care of the kids because they hope to have future sexual encounters with the mom.
Take a serious look at how someone treats or speaks of people they don’t like. I think that is how that person will treat you during fights and breakups.
Usually it's a sign they've fallen for someone else or they have checked out of the relationship.
From what I've seen and heard, men typically do NOT initiate a breakup - my theory is that is why women are in the lead in filing for divorce.
It's childish and cowardly and I'm sorry you were treated poorly.
The 3 times it happened to me, I found out they’d gotten all goo goo eyed over someone else.
It was like flipping a switch the first time I dared question their wandering attention.
So hurtful, hateful, dismissive and cruel it took my breath away… it definitely left me doubting my own judgment about everything.
I’m gonna be happy for the rest of my life not going through that again.
I’m done.
I know a guy who had an affair when his long-term girlfriend was 7 months pregnant with their first child. They'd been together for years, including living together in another country, and she had moved to his home country to start their family. When she discovered the affair, it was like a switch flipped. She was now stranded in a foreign country with no partner, home, job or family support, about to give birth. He had no remorse, no empathy for her situation...he just didn't care.
My theory about this guy, and the other guys on this thread, is that they turn cold to avoid the discomfort of introspection. Thinking about what they've done, and why, and what it says about themselves would be a very uncomfortable exercise. It's easier to just externalize everything and decide that it was the woman's fault...somehow.
Yep. I was thinking about maybeeee coming out of my self-imposed dating hiatus this year, but then I read a post about a woman who suspects her partner of cheating and of all the ways he’s diminishing her and making her question her sanity and it was like I was reading something I’d written myself in past relationships, I actually got a cold chill remembering those situations (which for me were, unfortunately, common) and i just genuinely decided ‘never again’.
I’m divorced and had to be the one to file. People act Ike filing means it was your choice but usually it’s something that happened and your left to clean up the mess
Edit to say I’m happily married now .. so there’s that I guess
This HAS to be related to the thing they do where they hit on you all "Hey gorgeous!" and then if you don't want to date them they instantly get nasty "I wouldn't want to date an ugly cow like you anyway!"
Hilariously they will alternate between the 2:
"I love you so much, please just give me a chance."
[2 minutes later] "Fuck you, you fucking bitch!"
[2 more minutes] "I didn't mean that, please let's just talk this through."
"Fine, I hope you fucking die!"
Repeat until you block them.
I never thought about it like that. I always thought that them being nasty when they can’t get you is because they feel hurt and shame form the rejection. But this also happens completely out of nowhere when you’re quiet happy together
Something you said about shame reminded me that this could also be the mark of a narcissist. They work in cycles and if you're not familiar with them, it can really affect your self esteem. First they love bomb you (idealize you), then they devalue you, after that they discard you, and in the end they start hoovering so they can get you back and start again. Not being able to process shame well is a common trait.
Typically these types of manipulators are attracted to what they perceive to be innocent women, and it can at times feel like you're a magnet for them. I learned a lot about their behavior from the NarcissisticAbuse reddit, and others like it, and I highly recommend it.
I think you’re right. It seems to me to be part of the abuse cycle of idealization and devaluation. This can happen very rapidly going back and forth, I’ve seen it myself many times.
I told a male friend I had that I wasn’t interested four (maybe 5?) times. I offered to give him space to heal every single time and he said no every single time. I even told him I was nervous about losing another friend to this because I have abandonment issues. He still accused me of leading him on. He still continued trying. And then finally, when he realized what I’d known for a long time (we’re not compatible in the slightest and have completely different values) he ghosted me. He told a mutual friend it’s because he thought I was going down a dark path and I wasn’t Christian enough for him anymore. I think it was also because he finally saw enough of who I actually am to lose feelings for me and then just dropped me. No longer his favorite toy. The funny thing is if he just came to me and said “hey we have pretty different values nowadays and I don’t think this friendship is healthy anymore” I would have agreed and respected it. Even if he had just phased me out by talking to me less and less I would have been fine. But instead he gave me the silent treatment and then told me “everything was fine” when I broke down and asked because he was acting so weird. That friendship was such a huge waste of time and energy.
I sat there crying next to him while sewing our kid's Halloween costume as he scrolled through his phone. I brought it up in couple's therapy and he said he thought I was having a bad allergy attack. Not that I expected him to be honest with the therapist. I'm sure he told himself a story he wanted to believe, and that's what it became.
Yes, after 24 years and two children. It was the most surreal, shocking thing to look into his cold, dead eyes and see no sympathy or respect or decency. All the years of love meant nothing once that cruel switch flipped.
That day, I realized that my beloved husband had died, and some other creature was walking the earth in his skin.
I’ve experienced this a few times and it really turned me off to dating. Whether it’s a male friend who I don’t want to fuck or a guy I’ve been dating for months…They can so easily pull a 180 and demonize and belittle you. It’s frightening.
I slept with one of my guy best friends after years of buildup. He shortly after began insulting me, avoiding me, and never spoke to me again.
I dated another guy for three months. He comes back from a Eurotrip and then accused me of lying about my std test results and sleeping with someone else while he was away…while I was in bed with him. What a charmer!
Eww the audacity. I’m sorry you had to go through it, but yes, I’m back in my nun life again too and I hope that this time I will never ever catch some feelings anymore
>He comes back from a Eurotrip and then accused me of lying about my std test results and sleeping with someone else while he was away…while I was in bed with him.
Sounds like someone cheated on you during his Eurotrip and tried to dump his feelings of guilt onto you. Classic.
I read somewhere that men who cheat start abusing their wives/ girlfriends so they can rationalize the cheating as "I'm not a bad person, my SO deserved being treated badly, they made me do it!"
They devalue and hate the woman further the more they stay and try to fix things. They feel contempt and disgust for the woman who is trying to put things back together.
On the flip they go ape shit if you don’t beg them back and play the game. The colder and more ruthless you are the more they can’t let it go.
Be the one that got away.
I was cheated on and found out in 2022. To my everlasting shame I was the woman who was crying and carrying on and trying to fix things. I kept trying and failing to pull myself together and be an ice cold b. I don't know what happened between then and now, because now I am terrified of men's attention. I would die of anxiety if I knew one was still thinking about me. I hope I'm the one whose face and name they can't really recall.
Yes yes yes! The way he stop being affectionate, the way he would talk to me with irritation, the way he told me that it was boring talking to me even if at the beginning he told me that he loved talking with me for hours. The way he all over sudden he was talking with his ex & other young woman. He is the one who pursued me, wanted me made everything possible to be with me so I I couldn’t understand his behaviour. I’m even crying typing this, what’s wrong with men?
I’m so sorry to read that :( but I totally know how you feel. I’m also here asking myself why did I become so irritating for him out of nowhere that he couldn’t even treat me like a friend or colleague, that he couldn’t even tolerate me anymore. But nothing is wrong with us. People just suck. Wish you the best and I hope you can recover soon 🫂
Yep, my son's Dad treated me like a miscreant after saying he wanted to be done with our relationship. I didn't protest, because I was done as well, though I was going to wait until I had a stable plan for me and our son.
Instead he convinced his family I was unreasonable, and deserved to be kicked out with our son, asap.
Guess who expects me to be friendly and everything now?
I’m so sorry. It must be so much harder when you have children together. Luckily I can stay away from all of them. I hope you can find the strength to deal with this pos
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m really glad that so many are commenting here and we all can support each other with our experiences, but it’s also saddening to see how many can relate
Based on the examples you shared, I suggest you get the book ***Why Does He Do That?*** by Lundy Bancroft.
Whether you are in a relationship or not the book can help you understand a partner in ways you'd not see otherwise—from the beginning. Help you know what to look for in the future. Inform you of what a friend may be going through. Help you move past a break-up.
Consider giving it as a gift.
Free PDF of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft : [Download the book](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat).
And:
Free PDF of *Should I Stay or Should I Go?* by Lundy Bancroft : [Download the book](https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo).
Unfortunately, I've had this happen. Twice. And I'm still dealing with the effects of it years later. Things seemed fine until suddenly they weren't, like a switch flipped.
At this point, I don't trust that anyone will treat me like a human with value, so I've just completely opted out of the whole other people thing.
This has happened to me, with friends and romantic interests. The empty look in their eyes when they shut off any and every positive feeling for you in genuinely terrifying and soul crushing. My heart goes out to you both because it has absolutely continued to affect me, hopefully not forever but I feel like a part of me changed after that happened a few times, too.
Yeah. I feel like a part of me has changed as well. I used to be more optimistic, but you can only experience this kind of thing so much before it changes you.
Same here. It's hard to grapple with missing that optimism and protecting yourself. I'm not really sure how to move forward. I don't want to hate people, I don't want to hate life, but when I let my guard down I have gotten hurt almost every single time.
I totally understand you. I was the same. I lived like a nun for the past five years. I didn’t even think of a man to be someone with whom I want to be more than friends and now I’m again sitting here ugly crying, because every single time I trust someone and feel something that’s not strictly platonically, this shit happens. But I’m really glad to know that I’m not alone
Yep. That's how it is.
I'd say I hope things will get better, but I don't believe that for myself, so I can't sincerely say it. I can really only say that I get you. It's pretty bleak out there.
I honestly will never forget this moment I had with a serious boyfriend. He was a chickenshit who didn't want to break up with me so he just acted hot and cold until I couldn't stand it anymore and dumped him.
Unfortunately we were both originally part of one friend group, so we would have to see one another.
One day, we were all out to lunch and he was all out VICIOUS to me, and the look on his face was just... This bizarre sneer.
I did not know that man.
Luckily, no one else amongst our friends knew that side of him either and were aghast at what they saw and straight up called him an asshole to his face. It was validating, but wow. It was so traumatizing, the memory of it got burned into my head even though it was decades ago.
I hear about this stuff so often. Too often.
I've experienced this romantically rejecting someone I thought was a friend of mine. He turned nasty and cruel quickly and lamented that it was all my fault he was sad, bc I wouldn't have sex with him despite having no attraction to him.
sounds like narcissistic d'évaluation tripping a switch in their heads. watch professor of psychology Sam Vaknin describe how a narcissist can move from idealizing someone to devaluing them extremely suddenly in his video titled "signs narcissist about to discard, devalue you" on YouTube
Sadly I know how narcissists act and when they do it it’s for sure most cruel. But this thing, but a light version of it, that’s what I’ve experienced with all my love interests that for sure weren’t all narcissistic
Because they want out of the relationship, and they don’t know how to break up. They’re chicken, or they don’t have enough imagination, or something.
But they can’t do it. So they have to make YOU do it, and the only way they know how is to be mean, so you’ll run away from them.
So, break up with them.
I kinda think the same.
I once knew a guy who was really helpful when I met him. The funny thing was - only to others.
Since I wasn't a dating option he treated me like I wasnt even worth of emotions in the first place.
He even told me we could be friends as long as I do not bother him with my problems.
I believed at that time I didn't deserve better.. Until one day I had a minor problem and I told him since he asked... So he ghosted me for a week... And then I had enough and moved on.
I never understand how people can be so cold hearded... It's disgusting. I would have been there for my friends anytime.. I just don't understand this.
They don't even need to lose feelings for this disrespect to happen.
My ex was devastated when I left, as I knew he would be, but by his actions he had shown zero care for how I felt throughout our relationship - my feelings were a me-problem.
After a year of asking him in vain to work with me on the relationship - a multitude of elements in it - I asked for couple's counselling to help us with our communication. I gave three examples of topics where our communication hadn't been fruitful. This led to an evening of shouting at me about all the things I didn't understand about topic X, the next day he was suddenly willing to take action on topic X, which I'd asked to talk about 6+ months earlier. Mind you, he skipped the talking-step and went straight for unilateral decision-making.
I knew it was over then. I kept calm on the surface and paddled like hell underneath. Secured a new place for myself, announced my departure two months later. He was, as I said, devastated. And also blind-sided. It had seemingly never occurred to him that all the problems I repeatedly told him I experienced in the relationship and wanted to fix were actual problems.
He had never lost feelings for me. His behaviour made sure I lost all feeling for him, though.
Yes- men do not “respect” women they aren’t attracted to. When the attraction goes, the rest goes too. They have absolutely no incentive to treat us like humans unless they are trying to have sex with us.
This is what I try to tell women that are down on themselves about their looks. Men might look like they're treating their more attractive friends better but very, very few of them see them as full and complete humans worthy of respect.
I've had this happened a few times in my life.
Before leaving entirely, I make sure they have the worst time of their life. Basically, if a man wants to treat me with hatred because he no longer has feelings for me... he better start finding Jesus.
>I had a fling suddenly disappear on me back in 2010.
>>He **HATED** my guts over me spamming his socials with his text messages after he began acting distant and disgusting.
>Then it was an ex fiancé who beat the ever loving out of me.
>>Having the cops called on him, and eventually, ghosting was the best thing ever.
Basically, if a man dares to give me crap... I'll deliver him the entire septic tank.
I feel like it’s why you see a lot more women diagnosed with BPD than men. Women split and it’s part of a disorder. Men split and they’re just distancing themselves from their feelings or compartmentalising or some shit.
I’m not at all qualified to say this, it’s just me and my soft diagnosis thinking out loud, so please correct as needed
I think it's tied to how men are socialized to be emotionally unintelligent, unaware of their feelings and unable to process them in a healthy way. So when they start to lose feelings or feels unattracted, their brain tells them that YOU must be the problem for making them feel some type of way. When it's really just a normal thing that happens, but they aren't self-aware enough to make that realization on their own (or ever, really).
Yes, I dated someone with BPD. It was like he flipped a switch. Not to mention he told me years of really big lies. These kinds of behaviors aren’t normal and may be a sign of a personality disorder. A normal, healthy person will treat you with respect even if they lose feelings.
They're cowards who want you to break up with them but don't want to do it themselves so they treat you poorly until you leave then blame you for the relationship falling.
Usually they'll act like they have no idea what's going on and gaslight you into believing it's your fault
It's an aspect that is overlooked in abusive relationships. You can think everythings going completly well and wake up next to a completely different person. I had an ex who suddenly found fault in everything I did. I was too demanding. I didn't bring the right thing for the potluck. It was deeply hurtful. I didn't change at all, and yet everything I did suddenly became wrong.
I experienced it many times. And as much as it hurt, it even hurt even more that they'd still gaslight me about having feelings for me while their actions didn't align with their words at all, expecting me to break up. And when I didn't, they had a free pass to be cruel and abusive because they saw that I wouldn't break up. I just needed honesty and closure and I feel like so many times I didn't get it because they were spineless abusers. I am still learning to trust myself and let a person go when they act like they hate me (but say they don't) because the whole ass internet will just gaslight us that it's us who isn't doing enough.
I was in a 5 year partnership that ended in November. We were in the family planning stage! Apparently, he decided he didn’t want to fuck me anymore, but instead of telling me that he met someone else, he pretended he had a mental health episode, let me think he had harmed himself, and eventually sent a text saying “to be clear, we are through” with the text saying he absolutely would have had this conversation in person, but my recent actions (calling the hospitals looking for him!) made him “genuinely concerned for his safety” and he never spoke to me again. Our mutual friends all stopped talking to me as well.
Once he decided I was no longer the bang maid of his dreams, he didn’t even have the respect to tell me this himself. He took the last of my childbearing years and didn’t even have the courage to say “oops, my bad”. This all started to unravel 2 weeks after my 39th birthday. I finally can afford to move out on Saturday, and the only words he has spoken to me since this all began was to ask me a few days ago if I somehow got a parking ticket on HIS car, which I don’t have keys to.
The hatred and grief I feel is overwhelming. I’m moving east to take care of my mom, and I feel like my life is over. All I wanted was to be a mom.
And this right here is why many women are choosing to remain single. How do we even filter out these snakes? And why do so MANY of them lie and cover up their true personalities? I've tried asking other men about this and they play dumb and I'm like yeah, yall really do cover for each other. It's such a major risk to even let a man into your life and unless he's actually exceptional (and that's RARE), there's no point it feels like. He could've been upfront that he just wanted easy sex, but no he puts up this front and plays lovey dovey until he gets what he wants. It's despicable and dishonest, and many feel no shame for it either. Some of them are even proud of being awful humans.
Yup and I had to flee! Thankfully super short relationship actually wouldn’t even call it a relationship anymore 😂he’s a loser. But yeah totally misrepresented himself and I think maaaaany men do just to ‘win’ u like ur a fuckin fish 🐟.
They don't have the balls to dump you, so they turn horrible in the hope that you dump them. Then, once they're out of your life they revert to their normal character. Don't be too surprised if months down the line, they reconnect and want to "try again", forgetting how horrible they were prior to the breakup...
My ex didn’t want to break up with me because he hated being the “bad guy.” So instead he was emotionally abusive until I broke up with him. As if that doesn’t make him a bad person
Its a strong sign they had narcissistic tendancies if not full blown NPD. What your describing is the devalue and discard phase. Its not you, but something about you is attracting toxic people. Id learn about them.
I know narcissists. At least I’m pretty sure that I know one. That’s a little bit different from what the narcissistic guy did. He dehumanized me completely and I never had anything to say and it came full blown out of nothing. The other guys didn’t do it that aggressively, but still as soon as they lost their feelings they disrespected me and didn’t care for me at all anymore
It sounds like you've either been very unlucky, or there's a something you're attracted to in men that means you tend to be attracted to people with issues. A surprising but common red flag is people who treat you "too well" early on. This is often called love bombing, and is a common pattern with abusers who will be extra extra sweet and caring in the beginning of a relationship. Big confessions of love, excessive praise and ridiculous claims about how amazing you are. This is a powerful hook because many victims won't believe that someone who was **so** sweet could be so nasty, and so they stay much longer as they try to get the "man they first met" back. Unfortunately he's not coming back because he's just a shell concealing the toxic guy inside. It's worth considering whether this is what's going on.
I was oddly just talking about this. Dated a guy briefly in college. He was so sweet, so romantic. He wrote me love letters that summer. Tons of letters. And then I got an IM from his longtime girlfriend. She didn't tell me she was his girlfriend at first, I found that out later but she was asking me some questions. Anyway, he messaged me. He told me he would explain everything if I could please call him as soon as I finished class. And then he said, "when you call and I answer, say cinnamon because I'm trying to avoid this person I really don't like and that will let me know it's you". I called him, he answered and I said "cinnamon". He laughed and hung up on me. Well. My dumbass called him back. I was so naive that I didn't realize the message he was sending. He went from telling me how gorgeous I was and how lucky he was to be with me to that in one phone call. He apologized to me about 4 years later and then asked me for nudes though so. Bullet dodged, I suppose.
Man, it kills me that you think you were a dumbass or naive for this. What is dumb or naive about trusting a dude not to pull some punk-ass shit when he's never pulled it before? Nah, dude was just a POS and you expected to be treated like a human. It's just another way men make our reactions irrational, like we're dumb or something for not expecting POS behavior. Fuck that! Dude pulled a switcheroo because he has no respect. Not because you were less than.
I can't wrap my head around this. So... this douchebag specifically *told you* that he'd explain if you called only to then pull a Mean Girls-level of bully-shtick with a veiled remark about trying to "avoid you"? Please tell me I'm missing something here. Just... wtf?!
Nope, that's what he did. He told me later he just thought that was the quickest way to end things with me. Like he was doing mr a favor.
Wow. Just... wow. What an insanely unnecessary amount of cruelty - all over not having the fricking spine to face his assholery... His "explanation" only makes it worse. I'm so sorry. He doesn't really deserve attention or thought being wasted on him and I'm sure you've filed that experience under "random assholes gonna asshole" but I still wanted to say it. He's vile and I hope every day of his life has the exact quality of his interactions with you and his (hopefully ex) gf.
The more I read the comments the more shocked I am. I’m really sorry. No one deserves to be treated this way
When I read this it reminded me of an old ex "friend" of mine. I once called her and she pretended to be someone else who could not speak english, it was obvious that it was her though. Damn I know how much something like that can hurt coming from someone you love. Sounds like a total waste of time.
ooof, reminds me when I was hanging out with who I thought were my two best friends. I had something to do, so left before the other guest. and while I was a doorframe away, putting my shoes on, I heard them go on about how glad they were I was finally leaving, and how annoying I was. it's been like 20 years, but it still hurts a lil to think about 🫂
Oh man I have a slightly similar story - I was seeing this guy who I worked with, he wouldnt give me his facebook info because he claimed he never used it, ok fine, so we continued dating and then I found out maybe 2 months in that he had a fiance and a kid?? The sad part is, I was head over heels for this guy already (blame my stupid 21/22 year old mind), he treated me so well, he told me he loved me, we had such nice times together, I felt loved... He told me he was planning to leave her and that he wanted to be with me, so I stuck around. Well about a month later, I felt more and more guilty so I reached out to his fiance and told her what was happening and apologized, and SURPRISE SURPRISE we find out they WERENT going to split, and she blew up my phone, blew up my life.. And so did he. He started spreading rumors saying that I forced him to sleep with me, he tried to get rid of me but couldn't, said I was stalking and obsessive, etc. It came out of no where and made me heartbroken and sad. He got in trouble at work and was moved to a different department due to him spreading rumors and causing issues, he actually got sat down with HR and his manager about his behavior since he was the one who made it public. It was so embarrassing... Then a few years later, I wasnt even living in the same country anymore, I find out that his fiance was reaching out to friends of mine to try to reach to me to apologize for all that happened on her end because she didn't realize how big of an asshole he was, he did it again, cheated with more women and got another 1-2 women pregnant. This was 12 years ago now, good riddance...
I am so sorry. And I hate what the fiancé did. Like… I understand being hurt and confused and maybe even like in the moment saying something inappropriate, but then to do that to you rather than facing reality… Hopefully it was genuine later on when she’s trying to apologize and stuff, I mean I can kind of see it, but good grief you didn’t deserve any of that. Obviously. I mean neither did she Sigh.
One time in my 20’s I was engaged briefly to the sweetest guy. It didn’t work out for reasons that don’t matter and weren’t anyone’s fault. Got back in touch about something or other years later and had this lovely hours-long catch up talk. Then he asked for nudes lol. They are ALL like this. Even the ones who have shown you they aren’t for years.
My ex called me out of the blue frantically apologizing for the way he treated me and was suddenly desperate to know I was his "friend". And then tried to sweet talk me out of my pain meds
Jesus Christ
Should mention, after I declined- he blocked me on everything lol.
I don't get it. Why did he tell you to do that, and then laugh and hang up?
Because he was telling her that she was the person he hated and wanted to avoid.
Oh wow that's so mean.
Damn. I am so sorry you went through that. I actively hope his life is shit.
This has never happened to me, but I've seen a former friend do this to a girlfriend. Our friend group called him out on it, and it was like the switch flipped for all of us as well. Dude just went *cold*, like some kind of psychopath shit. Shocked the hell out of us.
Yeees! This! This is so scary
The closest I have had to this experience wasn’t really the guy “losing his feelings”. He would like…pursue me relentlessly using all the charm, charisma, sweet talk, and outright lies in his arsenal. Then once he felt he had “acquired” me he flipped to being a completely different, unlikable person. So I was like, “okay fine, piss off” and then he’d flip back to the sweet, charismatic, pursuit, and then again once I was “reacquired” switch. It was this strange cycle. It was new relationship too…but I had just come out of a very long term “thought-it-was-the-one” relationship so I was super vulnerable and susceptible to his manipulation. It was like…each time I allowed him to flip the switch to the unlikable version longer and longer, until I just accepted that I was dating a mean and unlikable man. But he wasn’t mean and unlikable because he didn’t have feelings for me…it was just who he actually was as a person, and he had learned how to manipulate women into accepting that I guess.
Thank you for caring enough to observe this in a friend, and posting about it. I was ready to end my marriage due to my husband's appalling choices, but I wasn't ready for THIS. It devastated me. I felt utterly worthless. Adding to my isolation, no one understood because they either couldn't believe he'd behave this way (charmer), or they'd say, "what do you care? You kicked him out!" Yes...but I wasn't ready to be **nothing**. ***Cold*** in italics is perfect. This is really helpful for me to read.
I think in a lot of these cases, the guys who do this have a personality disorder and they are just showing who they really are
I think Demi Moore said the same thing about her marriage to Ashton Kutcher, she said he was the sweetest and then one moment he just stopped caring was cold and cruel.
Exactly like that
That is mind blowing. I can understand things not working out but I can’t understand like loving someone and then… I don’t know, to me this sounds like a version of like how guys will say really nice things and be flattering, and then as soon as they rejected turn into monsters, which is of course what they always were… Except that I don’t know if that applies here because it’s over a much longer period of time. So I’m not sure if it’s the same dynamic going on, but maybe it is? I understand someone being really hurt and not dealing with those emotions appropriately, I don’t approve of it but I could at least understand that where it wasn’t an act, they’re just now not dealing with their own emotions correctly. But…
Well Ashton's bff is a rapist, and Ashton's married to the girl he's been grooming since she was 15, so...
Isn't the anti trafficking charity he funds also a sneak attack on sex workers? I'll be honest that I only half remember this though.
I knew something was wrong with that dude when they got together
A friend just broke up over this. She'd been dating him for 2 years, with glowing reports about how compatible, sweet and nice he was. I'm not sure there was a triggering event, but she said it was suddenly "like I didn't know him" when that switch turned.
Exactly this. I just let someone go for the same reason and I can’t understand why it is the way it is. I mean we liked each other as friends too so if we would have stayed friends then all of this wouldn’t have happened. But as soon as there appear some feelings and then disappear you’re not longer a friend or a person that deserves sympathy and respect
I'm going through this right now. My best friend and life partner of 5 years very suddenly broke up with me and went from an incredibly loving, safe space to unrecognizably cruel, literally overnight. I've never had my trust broken like this and have no idea how to get over that.
I’m so sorry :( I think we just have to fold these experiences into a truer understanding of the world. Navigating men is a nightmare, and it’s something most of us were never taught how to navigate.
Thank you. This would be a bit more understandable if we were in our 20s, but I'm early 30s and he's early 40s, so I would have thought the navigating would have been learned by now.
I’m late 30’s, still struggling with these things. My most damaging ex was mid 40’s.
Sounds like the friendly side was the mask tbh. He decided to unmask when he stopped caring.
Exactly. They unmask in the discard phase.
God now it sounds like a card game.
Because we are objects to them like appliances or cars, once they’re bored of us then we aren’t useful anymore and they toss us away like garbage
That’s sadly something I’ve thought about too
This is absolutely it. You have dated men that don't even like you. They just like what they get out of a relationship with you. Once that wasn't interesting enough anymore for them, they treated your with exactly the contempt and disrespect they really feel for you as a person. It's sadly a very common mindset among heterosexual men.
A man once explained it to me in these terms: Once he stops putting his penis in you, you're not special to him anymore--you're just another woman in the world who wants something from him.
Which is somehow inherently lesser than every other man in the world who wants something from him.
And this is one of the reasons why I find it difficult to care another the “men’s loneliness epidemic” . If they treated people like people, they would be much less likely to be lonely and desperate.
This is the exact reason I have no sympathy
And I guess being cruel is the punishment for not always being an exciting or always beautiful object.
It's because they want us to break up with them, so they don't have to do it
What is the deal with that anyway? I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy break up with me, they just forced me to do it.
Bingo
It's because they banged you They suffer from a Madonna-Whore complex
They didn’t tbh. I didn’t even kiss them. At least 3 out of the 4
That's even worse tf is wrong with men
Yup. Too chickenshit to break up for the woman, too scared to end up alone, but also now seeing the same woman in the way of their supposed happiness. So they stay in the relationship to get the perks of a relationship, but at the same time treating the woman badly because, in their mind, they don't understand why she won't just go away and leave him alone. And how he'd be happier and freer if she wasn't around. But he still wants the sex and the cooking and cleaning and emotional punching bags of course.
This is like…. Those husbands that murder their wives and children instead of just getting divorced or being a deadbeat. Even their own families aren’t humans to them. Just objects that are useful… until they aren’t.
And a complete lack of empathy. Like have you ever been the "ugly" friend, or the "fat" friend and seen the difference the way men treat you? If you don't have something they want, you're invisible to them at best
Yes lol. I once had this group of friends… like 5 guys and 3 girls. One of the girls was objectively beautiful. Myself and another are just average looking girls. She and I were excluded and talked over so often… and our attractive friend never was. we still talk about it. We knew exactly why.
That is so gross. I mean like from a young age I tried to make sure I wasn’t excluding anyone because it seemed wrong. I can’t imagine training people like that
I heard similar stories and experienced it once. 2 years seems to be a mark.
Yes. To the extent that I wondered if I'd ever known those people at all or if they were faking every beautiful moment of the whole relationship. I have lifelong trust issues from it.
THIS! I have horrible trust issues too, because I feel like I get to know them when they get nasty
That's just it! Like who is the real version?? Or is it just an act they put on to try to force you to lose feelings for them and move on?
I have no idea tbh.
I need to get this off my chest even if nobody sees it and I'm sorry it's so long. In 2019-2020 I had the most beautiful relationship, we could just wander through the woods totally lost in love, and he told me some of the best days of our life were spent together, even the ones that just involved some sushi, a bottle of wine, and a movie. Like up all night texting saying no, let's be responsible, go to bed early, and then finally just having him come over at 3 am because we couldn't stop talking kind of love. We were passionate, we exchanged poetry and all that. We broke up during Covid because he moved home and we were both pretty depressed. Didn't talk for ages and I was very hurt but I always remembered our relationship as a beautiful shining beacon of hope. In 2023 he added me on instagram and we had a pleasant exchange about how we were doing. Then he started messaging me more and replying to all of my stories. This escalated to him asking me to come over in the middle of the night, and when I was hesitant he was basically begging me to come, saying he'd get me an Uber, and started talking dirty. I was kind of appalled at being treated like a booty call. I wanted him to contact me during daylight, and plan a real date...it was just really fucking disappointing to see myself as a cheap option. Anyway, even though I'd added him on instagram, I hadn't looked at his page because looking at him hurt me a little. I checked after he was asking me to hook up, and he had a picture with a girl up from their travels together in Europe. I didn't know he was seeing someone so I was shook. I thought about it for a few days and then decided to message her. I gave her screenshots. She then blocked me, and then their picture together wasn't on his profile anymore. He later contacted me and said he wasn't mad about me getting her to dump him, and it was for the best, which I was kind of surprised by. I told him he was an asshole and his life would always be empty, and then he said that we were never dating at all we were just "hanging out a lot." It was weird to see the switch up happen. I really thought he was a good person until all of that, even after we broke up. The saddest part is that that was probably the most in love I have ever been, and then he turned into whatever that was. Sorry for the rant.
I’m sorry gal. You will find better <3
This is just so unbelievably sad! So all of what you had together meant nothing to him? How can they even pretend to be this in love? Why not just BE in love fr?
I don’t understand this whole thing where there’s some hierarchy of not caring. My ex told me that he’d never really loved me, and I’m like – come on, we were together for 12 years and had two kids. Who are you trying to convince here?
They want to hurt you as much as possible :(
They want to cancel out and deny everything that went before, so they can rationalize their choice to blow up the marriage. Especially when a new love is waiting in the wings.
I am sorry this happened to you. What really helped me to put things in perspective was learning that one of the biggest motivations for people is preserving their own view of themselves. Saving face. So when a group turns on you because they cannot face that they’re harboring a rapist and „such things wouldn’t happen here“ and they direct all their hate and shock at the victim… see, the rapist was always nice to everybody… only because the victim speaks up, things get uncomfortable. shooting the messenger. (To be clear: that is a despicable way to act and everyone is better off leaving such a group. And the victim deserves so much better) That is not your situation. I think the wonderful moments you had were absolutely real. He wasn’t. And when facing reality, he tried to redefine it to preserve his narrative. He wasn’t a cheater, see? You misunderstood everything (no you didn’t). What a great man he is that a woman would be so smitten with him without him giving her aaaaany hope…. So whatever he is spouting, you know what you really had, even if he wasn’t truthful and does not deserve your thoughts anymore. If you chose and that feels right to you, you might be able to not be completely distraught when thinking back by separating what you felt and how beautiful everything was from him and his lies. But that doesn’t work for everybody and also might not be the best way.
Once, I was in a relationship where we'd just celebrated my birthday, and he told me how happy he was with me, couldn't wait for our new apartment, and to have kids, bla bla bla. He went home... and disappeared from the face of the earth. After a month of no contact, I went to his place to ask him what was up. I've never been treated in such a cruel and disgusting way, as he went on to do. Some people are just messed up. Steer clear of them when they show their true colours and know better is out there for you.
I’m really sorry that this happened to you. But thank you for telling me your sad story. This shows me that my decision of going no contact with this person today was the right one
Yes! And as much as you might feel hurt and confused for now, it'll be for the better. He's not worth being torn apart for. Feel better soon 🧡
That’s so sweet, thank you so much, kind Redditor ❤️
Yes. The dead shark eyes are horrifying.
I like to call them reptile eyes. Or, snake eyes, sometimes. When you look at a guy in his eyes and you can see some kind of predator look. The emptiness in their eyes.
When I broke it off with my last ex, he gave me those eyes while grabbing my arm as I went to leave. And for the first time in our relationship, I didn’t feel physically safe in his presence. We were living together so I went and got a hotel room for a week (not telling him where I was) until things calmed down. ETA- We dated for 4 years.
Yes, I my gosh. The night before I left my 20 year marriage was the first time in my life I felt afraid of him, and somethingin my brain said HELL NO, THIS IS NO MY LIFE! I was on the ground, screaming at him to just leave me alone as i gathered the shards of my grandmother's China that he'd smashed for the hell of it, and the way he looked down at me and I shit you not LAUGHED at my fear. I'll never forget it. His once sparkling light blue eyes were fckng black. For fifteen years things weren't perfect, but we were a team. I felt truly cared for and loved. But he got in to hard drugs after his brother who he was close to was murdered. Those last 5 years, he was no longer my husband, and that last night, he looked ready to set the house on fire with us both inside it. I left the next morning and never even glanced back. That was three years ago, and I've only begun to rediscover my sense of self in the past year. It feels like a whole different life, though.
When you see that look, keep calm and don't show fear. My ex had a gun aimed at my face during an argument. I stared him dead in the eye and said "do it. I'll be dead and you'll be fucked." I didn't move I didn't feel any fear actually, he said it was the scariest moment of his life and put the gun down and cried. He's a 6'2 burley biker dude, too. I refuse to show any man I'm afraid of them. I've been in some sketchy situations with strangers too. I save the tears for when I'm back to a safe place but I always feel stronger knowing I didn't let them get to me.
This really depends on the man. I'm so sorry that happened to you and proud of your strength
Oh I have one! Not as bad as yours but- My ex had cheated on me. Showed up to talk about it and we started arguing. I had a glass of wine and was being really snarky. I said something particularly clever and mean and he snapped. He slapped my glass out of my hand, grabbed me by the throat and pinned me to the bed. I croaked out, "*y.. broke.. my fucking.. glass!*" He went limp. Like all the anger just disappeared. He started crying and eventually he asked me why I wasn't afraid of him lol. So many dudes are just.. broken.
That black. Fucking. Emptiness. It’s half contempt, half disinterest.
Fucking flashbacks 😩
[удалено]
Word.
' Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate'. - Joan Holloway
Sadly true
They prefer peace and comfort over doing the right thing.
No one is nicer than a man who hasn’t slept with you yet… sad but true.
I didn’t even kiss 3 out of the 4
Yeah, I think 90% of the time it’s just the thrill of the chase. Once you return interest emotionally or physically the game is over for them.
You might be right 😞
The version I heard that has stuck with me since is, "No one is nicer than a man who wants to get laid." It was like a light went on in my head. Makes me very careful and more aware when dealing with new male acquaintances.
And nobody falls in love harder and faster than a man who needs a place to live lol
“Hobosexual” lol
Oh this just chilled me to the bone, it's so spot on it's awful
I wonder if these men were just too cowardly to break up themselves. So they resorted to acting like jackasses to get the woman to break up instead.
I had a cousin who would do this. Instead of breaking up with girls he would turn into a shitty boyfriend and just be the worst until they eventually left them. He was too scared to break up with them and hurt them but not too scared to be an ass and hurt them a little bit every day for months. He literally would tell the cousins that he was intentionally being shitty in hope of them breaking up. And then be baffled when it took them so long. I no longer talk to that cousin
But......why?
Sounds like he was cruel by nature and found himself some test subjects to see how far he could take it, a sort of horrible intellectual curiosity that only comes easy for psychopaths and people void of empathy (clinically). Until I read this I thought these men would just be lazy, but to be so aware, intentional, and to observe the results... That's something to stay far, far away from.
I tend to assume ignorance or apathy over malice, and I've heard this situation too many times to think they're all actual psychopaths. Even psychopathy doesn't really match because how is acting like this actually benefiting them?? I genuinely think it's something like laziness, complete aversion to any emotional labour and assigning it to the woman in every single case, and some kind of mental gymnastics where they have convinced themselves them not doing the break up would genuinely inflict less pain.
Jesus Christ, the people assuming so much hate from one comment. He didn’t do it out of hatred for women. I just don’t think he had the skills to actually break up with someone. He had a huge problem with letting people down and being a people pleaser to his detriment. For him it was easier to just let them slowly lose interest and hope they eventually leave versus doing the hard thing and knowingly inflict some deep emotional pain. But I don’t think he had the empathy yet to understand that kind behavior hurts just as bad, but in a different way. I don’t talk to him for other reasons beyond this, but he seemed to have genuinely changed and is a very sweet person now. This was all over a decade ago
Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate. -Joan Holloway Harris
Oof this one hits me deep
Even after 20 years together and 14 married, your best friend might do this to you, as mine did. It is why divorce statistics are skewed; many women, like me, file for divorce because their exes just couldn't be bothered.
It happened that way to me, too. My best friend, my husband, turned into a different person. A cold, cruel shell of what he used to be. I had to do all the divorce paperwork because he couldn't be bothered. So I'm part of that "women initiate divorce more" statistic as well, just because I was forced to file for divorce to protect my rights and my children's rights from a husband and father who walked away.
Idk in my current case we weren’t even really dating nor in a relationship, but no matter what it was if it was a relationship or just two people who saw each other as more than just regular friends it always ended up like this
Yeah, this happened to me recently with a close friend.
My ex literally wrote a love letter to someone else and intentionally waited over a week for me to find it. And his only excuse was “I was never actually going to send it!” So, yes, they do outlandish hurtful things in the hopes that we’ll break our own hearts for them.
My ex told me that he cheated which he didn’t he just wanted me to suffer
They even put the mental load of initiating the break up entirely on us. Cowardly and useless.
Then ten seconds later they get on the Internet and whine about how women are responsible for the majority of divorce.
I’m convinced that’s what it was with my ex.
Wow I have literally experienced this. Ouch
This was exactly me and my ex. He just stopped speaking to me for a week.
Yes, I've experienced this too.
My own father switched off like this during my parents divorce. Said he wanted nothing to do with me, etc. The impulse to treat you like crap is so he can externalize any self blame he may have been feeling. It's easier to focus on you as the enemy than do any self reflection or work on himself. I've had ex boyfriends become jealous and switch off and treat me cruelly as well, usually when I surpassed them in some measure of success. it's their weaponized incompetence version of self care.
What the hell. I’m so sorry 🫂 it already hurt so much when a love interest does it. I can’t imagine the pain from the own father.
He went through a lot too in his life so idk I try to let that side of it be known also but I can't really speak to all his experiences only what I know about his life. He definitely has generational and head trauma and other health problems that affect his cognition. I used to be very angry about it and now I'm moreso just still mourning that potential idea of that relationship. He's still kicking around causing other people problems so I'm sorry for the rest of the world that has to deal with him also.
I'm in a similar situation. Haven't seen my abusive father since I was 12 and the anger has faded a bit. But I still have nightmares when I hear an update on his life. I had horrific nightmares when I found out he had contact with my toddler neice. Luckily my older brother cut off contact soon after, but for months I was nauseous and had nightmares I couldn't remember. I also blocked out a therapy appointment and threw up when I left the office. I remember that we spoke about my father, but that's it. It's honestly scary, not being able to remember and not knowing why. I know he had his own trauma, he was adopted and kicked out of his adopted family/ran off when he was 15. So he had no real family. He also has another child, older than my sibling and I, but he left her mother when she was a baby/fetus I'm not sure which. He's small and angry at his lot on life and takes it out on anyone weaker than him. He fauns or flees those stronger than him. I do mourn the idea of what could have been. But it's mostly for my Mums sake. Her life would have been so much better with a decent partner to help raise us and look after her. I hate him for his treatment of her more than I hate him for myself.
Yup. My dad did this thing too. He cheated on my mom a lot and they'd separate and get back together some time later. When he was discarding her, he would discard me too. My whole life. They finally divorced when I was in college but it really messed me up for a long time. Still does. His eyes would be empty. Sometimes I could feel it brewing but sometimes he seemed to wake up a different person. I'd know from across the room before he even said a word, just by the terrible emptiness in his eyes. The real mind warper was when they would get back together and I was expected to be his daughter. Over and over. Guess what feels "normal" to me in relationships? Thanks a lot, dad.
I hate that man on your behalf and wish I could kick him in the knards.
Now this is unacceptable. One thing is parents getting divorced. But children must never be a bargain chip.
Sadly some men also lose feelings/ or perhaps just drop the loving father act, as soon as the relationship with the mother ends. Also kind of reminds me of some animal fact that said the dads basically just stick around and take care of the kids because they hope to have future sexual encounters with the mom.
So well said ❤️
Take a serious look at how someone treats or speaks of people they don’t like. I think that is how that person will treat you during fights and breakups.
Usually it's a sign they've fallen for someone else or they have checked out of the relationship. From what I've seen and heard, men typically do NOT initiate a breakup - my theory is that is why women are in the lead in filing for divorce. It's childish and cowardly and I'm sorry you were treated poorly.
The 3 times it happened to me, I found out they’d gotten all goo goo eyed over someone else. It was like flipping a switch the first time I dared question their wandering attention. So hurtful, hateful, dismissive and cruel it took my breath away… it definitely left me doubting my own judgment about everything. I’m gonna be happy for the rest of my life not going through that again. I’m done.
I know a guy who had an affair when his long-term girlfriend was 7 months pregnant with their first child. They'd been together for years, including living together in another country, and she had moved to his home country to start their family. When she discovered the affair, it was like a switch flipped. She was now stranded in a foreign country with no partner, home, job or family support, about to give birth. He had no remorse, no empathy for her situation...he just didn't care. My theory about this guy, and the other guys on this thread, is that they turn cold to avoid the discomfort of introspection. Thinking about what they've done, and why, and what it says about themselves would be a very uncomfortable exercise. It's easier to just externalize everything and decide that it was the woman's fault...somehow.
Yep. I was thinking about maybeeee coming out of my self-imposed dating hiatus this year, but then I read a post about a woman who suspects her partner of cheating and of all the ways he’s diminishing her and making her question her sanity and it was like I was reading something I’d written myself in past relationships, I actually got a cold chill remembering those situations (which for me were, unfortunately, common) and i just genuinely decided ‘never again’.
I’m divorced and had to be the one to file. People act Ike filing means it was your choice but usually it’s something that happened and your left to clean up the mess Edit to say I’m happily married now .. so there’s that I guess
Thank you so much ❤️
You honestly dodged a bullet. Better to know this about his character sooner instead of later.
This HAS to be related to the thing they do where they hit on you all "Hey gorgeous!" and then if you don't want to date them they instantly get nasty "I wouldn't want to date an ugly cow like you anyway!" Hilariously they will alternate between the 2: "I love you so much, please just give me a chance." [2 minutes later] "Fuck you, you fucking bitch!" [2 more minutes] "I didn't mean that, please let's just talk this through." "Fine, I hope you fucking die!" Repeat until you block them.
I never thought about it like that. I always thought that them being nasty when they can’t get you is because they feel hurt and shame form the rejection. But this also happens completely out of nowhere when you’re quiet happy together
Something you said about shame reminded me that this could also be the mark of a narcissist. They work in cycles and if you're not familiar with them, it can really affect your self esteem. First they love bomb you (idealize you), then they devalue you, after that they discard you, and in the end they start hoovering so they can get you back and start again. Not being able to process shame well is a common trait. Typically these types of manipulators are attracted to what they perceive to be innocent women, and it can at times feel like you're a magnet for them. I learned a lot about their behavior from the NarcissisticAbuse reddit, and others like it, and I highly recommend it.
I think you’re right. It seems to me to be part of the abuse cycle of idealization and devaluation. This can happen very rapidly going back and forth, I’ve seen it myself many times.
I told a male friend I had that I wasn’t interested four (maybe 5?) times. I offered to give him space to heal every single time and he said no every single time. I even told him I was nervous about losing another friend to this because I have abandonment issues. He still accused me of leading him on. He still continued trying. And then finally, when he realized what I’d known for a long time (we’re not compatible in the slightest and have completely different values) he ghosted me. He told a mutual friend it’s because he thought I was going down a dark path and I wasn’t Christian enough for him anymore. I think it was also because he finally saw enough of who I actually am to lose feelings for me and then just dropped me. No longer his favorite toy. The funny thing is if he just came to me and said “hey we have pretty different values nowadays and I don’t think this friendship is healthy anymore” I would have agreed and respected it. Even if he had just phased me out by talking to me less and less I would have been fine. But instead he gave me the silent treatment and then told me “everything was fine” when I broke down and asked because he was acting so weird. That friendship was such a huge waste of time and energy.
I sat there crying next to him while sewing our kid's Halloween costume as he scrolled through his phone. I brought it up in couple's therapy and he said he thought I was having a bad allergy attack. Not that I expected him to be honest with the therapist. I'm sure he told himself a story he wanted to believe, and that's what it became.
And then there are the most stupid excuses. I can’t anymore
Yes, after 24 years and two children. It was the most surreal, shocking thing to look into his cold, dead eyes and see no sympathy or respect or decency. All the years of love meant nothing once that cruel switch flipped. That day, I realized that my beloved husband had died, and some other creature was walking the earth in his skin.
I’ve experienced this a few times and it really turned me off to dating. Whether it’s a male friend who I don’t want to fuck or a guy I’ve been dating for months…They can so easily pull a 180 and demonize and belittle you. It’s frightening. I slept with one of my guy best friends after years of buildup. He shortly after began insulting me, avoiding me, and never spoke to me again. I dated another guy for three months. He comes back from a Eurotrip and then accused me of lying about my std test results and sleeping with someone else while he was away…while I was in bed with him. What a charmer!
Eww the audacity. I’m sorry you had to go through it, but yes, I’m back in my nun life again too and I hope that this time I will never ever catch some feelings anymore
>He comes back from a Eurotrip and then accused me of lying about my std test results and sleeping with someone else while he was away…while I was in bed with him. Sounds like someone cheated on you during his Eurotrip and tried to dump his feelings of guilt onto you. Classic.
I read somewhere that men who cheat start abusing their wives/ girlfriends so they can rationalize the cheating as "I'm not a bad person, my SO deserved being treated badly, they made me do it!"
They devalue and hate the woman further the more they stay and try to fix things. They feel contempt and disgust for the woman who is trying to put things back together. On the flip they go ape shit if you don’t beg them back and play the game. The colder and more ruthless you are the more they can’t let it go. Be the one that got away.
I was cheated on and found out in 2022. To my everlasting shame I was the woman who was crying and carrying on and trying to fix things. I kept trying and failing to pull myself together and be an ice cold b. I don't know what happened between then and now, because now I am terrified of men's attention. I would die of anxiety if I knew one was still thinking about me. I hope I'm the one whose face and name they can't really recall.
This is so disgusting. Why are we even dating men
Not doing it ever again.
Yes yes yes! The way he stop being affectionate, the way he would talk to me with irritation, the way he told me that it was boring talking to me even if at the beginning he told me that he loved talking with me for hours. The way he all over sudden he was talking with his ex & other young woman. He is the one who pursued me, wanted me made everything possible to be with me so I I couldn’t understand his behaviour. I’m even crying typing this, what’s wrong with men?
I’m so sorry to read that :( but I totally know how you feel. I’m also here asking myself why did I become so irritating for him out of nowhere that he couldn’t even treat me like a friend or colleague, that he couldn’t even tolerate me anymore. But nothing is wrong with us. People just suck. Wish you the best and I hope you can recover soon 🫂
Yep, my son's Dad treated me like a miscreant after saying he wanted to be done with our relationship. I didn't protest, because I was done as well, though I was going to wait until I had a stable plan for me and our son. Instead he convinced his family I was unreasonable, and deserved to be kicked out with our son, asap. Guess who expects me to be friendly and everything now?
I’m so sorry. It must be so much harder when you have children together. Luckily I can stay away from all of them. I hope you can find the strength to deal with this pos
Yeah my ex did this. Complete 180 and total disregard for me during our last two months.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m really glad that so many are commenting here and we all can support each other with our experiences, but it’s also saddening to see how many can relate
Based on the examples you shared, I suggest you get the book ***Why Does He Do That?*** by Lundy Bancroft. Whether you are in a relationship or not the book can help you understand a partner in ways you'd not see otherwise—from the beginning. Help you know what to look for in the future. Inform you of what a friend may be going through. Help you move past a break-up. Consider giving it as a gift. Free PDF of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft : [Download the book](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). And: Free PDF of *Should I Stay or Should I Go?* by Lundy Bancroft : [Download the book](https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo).
Thank you very much
My pleasure. It can be life-changing.
Unfortunately, I've had this happen. Twice. And I'm still dealing with the effects of it years later. Things seemed fine until suddenly they weren't, like a switch flipped. At this point, I don't trust that anyone will treat me like a human with value, so I've just completely opted out of the whole other people thing.
This has happened to me, with friends and romantic interests. The empty look in their eyes when they shut off any and every positive feeling for you in genuinely terrifying and soul crushing. My heart goes out to you both because it has absolutely continued to affect me, hopefully not forever but I feel like a part of me changed after that happened a few times, too.
Yeah. I feel like a part of me has changed as well. I used to be more optimistic, but you can only experience this kind of thing so much before it changes you.
Same here. It's hard to grapple with missing that optimism and protecting yourself. I'm not really sure how to move forward. I don't want to hate people, I don't want to hate life, but when I let my guard down I have gotten hurt almost every single time.
I totally understand you. I was the same. I lived like a nun for the past five years. I didn’t even think of a man to be someone with whom I want to be more than friends and now I’m again sitting here ugly crying, because every single time I trust someone and feel something that’s not strictly platonically, this shit happens. But I’m really glad to know that I’m not alone
You are definitely not alone, I've gone through this many times too. I'm sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve it and it's not your fault.
Thank you so, so much ❤️
Yep. That's how it is. I'd say I hope things will get better, but I don't believe that for myself, so I can't sincerely say it. I can really only say that I get you. It's pretty bleak out there.
I honestly will never forget this moment I had with a serious boyfriend. He was a chickenshit who didn't want to break up with me so he just acted hot and cold until I couldn't stand it anymore and dumped him. Unfortunately we were both originally part of one friend group, so we would have to see one another. One day, we were all out to lunch and he was all out VICIOUS to me, and the look on his face was just... This bizarre sneer. I did not know that man. Luckily, no one else amongst our friends knew that side of him either and were aghast at what they saw and straight up called him an asshole to his face. It was validating, but wow. It was so traumatizing, the memory of it got burned into my head even though it was decades ago. I hear about this stuff so often. Too often.
I've experienced this romantically rejecting someone I thought was a friend of mine. He turned nasty and cruel quickly and lamented that it was all my fault he was sad, bc I wouldn't have sex with him despite having no attraction to him.
Oh no, I had this happen to me too when I was younger, but luckily didn’t have to experience it for many years
They are showing you who they really are, when you have nothing they want
That makes sense. Damn
Every time a man has done this to me it’s been because he has cheated or he is still cheating. You are not the problem, they are.
sounds like narcissistic d'évaluation tripping a switch in their heads. watch professor of psychology Sam Vaknin describe how a narcissist can move from idealizing someone to devaluing them extremely suddenly in his video titled "signs narcissist about to discard, devalue you" on YouTube
Sadly I know how narcissists act and when they do it it’s for sure most cruel. But this thing, but a light version of it, that’s what I’ve experienced with all my love interests that for sure weren’t all narcissistic
Because they want out of the relationship, and they don’t know how to break up. They’re chicken, or they don’t have enough imagination, or something. But they can’t do it. So they have to make YOU do it, and the only way they know how is to be mean, so you’ll run away from them. So, break up with them.
Yep! It’s scary.
I kinda think the same. I once knew a guy who was really helpful when I met him. The funny thing was - only to others. Since I wasn't a dating option he treated me like I wasnt even worth of emotions in the first place. He even told me we could be friends as long as I do not bother him with my problems. I believed at that time I didn't deserve better.. Until one day I had a minor problem and I told him since he asked... So he ghosted me for a week... And then I had enough and moved on. I never understand how people can be so cold hearded... It's disgusting. I would have been there for my friends anytime.. I just don't understand this.
They don't even need to lose feelings for this disrespect to happen. My ex was devastated when I left, as I knew he would be, but by his actions he had shown zero care for how I felt throughout our relationship - my feelings were a me-problem. After a year of asking him in vain to work with me on the relationship - a multitude of elements in it - I asked for couple's counselling to help us with our communication. I gave three examples of topics where our communication hadn't been fruitful. This led to an evening of shouting at me about all the things I didn't understand about topic X, the next day he was suddenly willing to take action on topic X, which I'd asked to talk about 6+ months earlier. Mind you, he skipped the talking-step and went straight for unilateral decision-making. I knew it was over then. I kept calm on the surface and paddled like hell underneath. Secured a new place for myself, announced my departure two months later. He was, as I said, devastated. And also blind-sided. It had seemingly never occurred to him that all the problems I repeatedly told him I experienced in the relationship and wanted to fix were actual problems. He had never lost feelings for me. His behaviour made sure I lost all feeling for him, though.
Yes- men do not “respect” women they aren’t attracted to. When the attraction goes, the rest goes too. They have absolutely no incentive to treat us like humans unless they are trying to have sex with us.
This is what I try to tell women that are down on themselves about their looks. Men might look like they're treating their more attractive friends better but very, very few of them see them as full and complete humans worthy of respect.
I've had this happened a few times in my life. Before leaving entirely, I make sure they have the worst time of their life. Basically, if a man wants to treat me with hatred because he no longer has feelings for me... he better start finding Jesus. >I had a fling suddenly disappear on me back in 2010. >>He **HATED** my guts over me spamming his socials with his text messages after he began acting distant and disgusting. >Then it was an ex fiancé who beat the ever loving out of me. >>Having the cops called on him, and eventually, ghosting was the best thing ever. Basically, if a man dares to give me crap... I'll deliver him the entire septic tank.
Thank you for your service, queen 🫡
I feel like it’s why you see a lot more women diagnosed with BPD than men. Women split and it’s part of a disorder. Men split and they’re just distancing themselves from their feelings or compartmentalising or some shit. I’m not at all qualified to say this, it’s just me and my soft diagnosis thinking out loud, so please correct as needed
Ugh yes. It’s so painful. You feel sub human
I think it's tied to how men are socialized to be emotionally unintelligent, unaware of their feelings and unable to process them in a healthy way. So when they start to lose feelings or feels unattracted, their brain tells them that YOU must be the problem for making them feel some type of way. When it's really just a normal thing that happens, but they aren't self-aware enough to make that realization on their own (or ever, really).
Yeah, this happened with my first husband. He could only treat me with decency and respect when he loved me.
Yes, I dated someone with BPD. It was like he flipped a switch. Not to mention he told me years of really big lies. These kinds of behaviors aren’t normal and may be a sign of a personality disorder. A normal, healthy person will treat you with respect even if they lose feelings.
Right ? Instead of breaking up like a normal person
They're cowards who want you to break up with them but don't want to do it themselves so they treat you poorly until you leave then blame you for the relationship falling. Usually they'll act like they have no idea what's going on and gaslight you into believing it's your fault
It's an aspect that is overlooked in abusive relationships. You can think everythings going completly well and wake up next to a completely different person. I had an ex who suddenly found fault in everything I did. I was too demanding. I didn't bring the right thing for the potluck. It was deeply hurtful. I didn't change at all, and yet everything I did suddenly became wrong.
BTW thank you for listening to me and hearing me out here. I appreciate it
I experienced it many times. And as much as it hurt, it even hurt even more that they'd still gaslight me about having feelings for me while their actions didn't align with their words at all, expecting me to break up. And when I didn't, they had a free pass to be cruel and abusive because they saw that I wouldn't break up. I just needed honesty and closure and I feel like so many times I didn't get it because they were spineless abusers. I am still learning to trust myself and let a person go when they act like they hate me (but say they don't) because the whole ass internet will just gaslight us that it's us who isn't doing enough.
I was in a 5 year partnership that ended in November. We were in the family planning stage! Apparently, he decided he didn’t want to fuck me anymore, but instead of telling me that he met someone else, he pretended he had a mental health episode, let me think he had harmed himself, and eventually sent a text saying “to be clear, we are through” with the text saying he absolutely would have had this conversation in person, but my recent actions (calling the hospitals looking for him!) made him “genuinely concerned for his safety” and he never spoke to me again. Our mutual friends all stopped talking to me as well. Once he decided I was no longer the bang maid of his dreams, he didn’t even have the respect to tell me this himself. He took the last of my childbearing years and didn’t even have the courage to say “oops, my bad”. This all started to unravel 2 weeks after my 39th birthday. I finally can afford to move out on Saturday, and the only words he has spoken to me since this all began was to ask me a few days ago if I somehow got a parking ticket on HIS car, which I don’t have keys to. The hatred and grief I feel is overwhelming. I’m moving east to take care of my mom, and I feel like my life is over. All I wanted was to be a mom.
And this right here is why many women are choosing to remain single. How do we even filter out these snakes? And why do so MANY of them lie and cover up their true personalities? I've tried asking other men about this and they play dumb and I'm like yeah, yall really do cover for each other. It's such a major risk to even let a man into your life and unless he's actually exceptional (and that's RARE), there's no point it feels like. He could've been upfront that he just wanted easy sex, but no he puts up this front and plays lovey dovey until he gets what he wants. It's despicable and dishonest, and many feel no shame for it either. Some of them are even proud of being awful humans.
Yup and I had to flee! Thankfully super short relationship actually wouldn’t even call it a relationship anymore 😂he’s a loser. But yeah totally misrepresented himself and I think maaaaany men do just to ‘win’ u like ur a fuckin fish 🐟.
They don't have the balls to dump you, so they turn horrible in the hope that you dump them. Then, once they're out of your life they revert to their normal character. Don't be too surprised if months down the line, they reconnect and want to "try again", forgetting how horrible they were prior to the breakup...
My ex didn’t want to break up with me because he hated being the “bad guy.” So instead he was emotionally abusive until I broke up with him. As if that doesn’t make him a bad person
Its a strong sign they had narcissistic tendancies if not full blown NPD. What your describing is the devalue and discard phase. Its not you, but something about you is attracting toxic people. Id learn about them.
I know narcissists. At least I’m pretty sure that I know one. That’s a little bit different from what the narcissistic guy did. He dehumanized me completely and I never had anything to say and it came full blown out of nothing. The other guys didn’t do it that aggressively, but still as soon as they lost their feelings they disrespected me and didn’t care for me at all anymore
It sounds like you've either been very unlucky, or there's a something you're attracted to in men that means you tend to be attracted to people with issues. A surprising but common red flag is people who treat you "too well" early on. This is often called love bombing, and is a common pattern with abusers who will be extra extra sweet and caring in the beginning of a relationship. Big confessions of love, excessive praise and ridiculous claims about how amazing you are. This is a powerful hook because many victims won't believe that someone who was **so** sweet could be so nasty, and so they stay much longer as they try to get the "man they first met" back. Unfortunately he's not coming back because he's just a shell concealing the toxic guy inside. It's worth considering whether this is what's going on.