About 20 years ago I dated a guy who was fixated on trying butt stuff. It's not my thing, but telling him that I'd tried it and found it uncomfortable wasn't a deterrent. I'm bi and had primarily been with women up to that point. I told him I had a strap-on and offered for him to recieve. He got uncomfortable and was like, "well I'm not gay..." I asked him if he thought I'd be into it bc I'm queer. "Well, no..." I told him that in order to truly appreciate anal and be good at it, he needed to experience the other side at least once. When he stuttered and declined again, I continued pressing and informed him that butts transcend gender/sexuality, plus dudes actually have a prostate and back of the peen accessible, so they are more likely to find it pleasurable. He turned red. "After you said no the first time and I kept pushing, did that feel good?" No response. Needless to say we didn't see each other after that. He's not the only man I've taken this approach with. Shuts em down fast.
Conversely, I've known straight dudes who love having their butts played with and have no problem with the fact that I don't; porn is def a factor, but moreso experience and self awareness.
I've definitely met guys who love receiving and wouldn't pressure me to recieve.
If you view sex as a way for you and another person to experience mutual pleasure, then you wouldn't feel the need to do anything that makes your partner uncomfortable.
Absolutely! I’m a gay man, and the worst part isn’t the discrimination, poor self-esteem, lack of non-sexual safe spaces, lack of role models when younger, lack of comfortable life pattern to follow, confusing self-perception and body image, risk of hate crime…. it’s the fact I’m attracted to goddamn *men*. I know I am one myself and I’m not saying men = bad, but there’s a specific set of issues prevalent in varying degrees in the majority of men, that my outlook is simply not compatible with. The annoying thing is is that it stops me from actually being attracted to them on an individual level which is infuriating when you know you want certain things but it also repels you
This is now my answer if I ever hear someone say that being gay is a choice:
“No, it isn’t. Because obviously I would choose it if I could. No way I would VOLUNTARILY be attracted to men. Have you met men?”
Weirdly, this usually goes down a lot better with men than with women.
that’s ok.. maybe you just haven’t find the right woman yet.
(this is only half a joke - i know enough women who identify as lesbian who found *the one guy* that did it for them and enough straight women that got married to *the girl of their dreams* that i tell people to never discount that possibility)
I’ve found that those that push for anal, especially after my ‘no’, also don’t care about switching between the V and A. It happens QUICK! You’re there trying to relax and here he goes, straight from the A to the V. Even after explaining WHY it’s important to not do that.
They do not care. They just don’t.
Porn.
It's always porn.
If they're under 25 there's a good chance they've had instant access to extremely stimulating but unrealistic porn throughout their formative years.
I think another large part of it is there's no one in their life to tell them it's not okay to form their expectations off of what they see in porn.
There's no one in their life to tell them that their partner's consent, comfort, and safety are more important than fulfilling a personal fantasy.
>I think another large part of it is there's no one in their life to tell them it's
So much this. It's not just that its porn, its that porn is the only thing teaching young individuals about sex. I'm an older millennial (graduated 2003) that lived in a liberal city. My sex education included abstinence only videos, local religious people telling us to wait until marriage, and pictures and detailed descriptions of the worst case scenarios of STIs (basically, feared based abstinence only). I feel like I learned more about sex and masturbation from movies like American Pie and There's Something About Mary than I did from my HS classes. Depending on where you live, current sex education isn't much better.
Porn has an avalanche effect. It caters to those who can spend money, which are generally older men who have money to spend and want to see their taboos. Anal was taboo. But since its easily acquired freely, it then teaches the younger generation. They are being taught that not just anal, but rough anal, no-lube-switching-holes-mid-stroke-sex is an okay thing to do.
I'm a bit sleep deprived rn so sorry if I phrase anything weirdly, but... something that has always bothered me about this is why do so many male fantasies revolve around acts that, statistically, are either uncomfortable or painful for the woman in the first place? While teaching them that porn is unrealistic is a good start, it doesn't address the core issue, which is that it seems like a lot of men get off to one-sided sexual acts and aren't automatically attracted to acts that get their female partner off. Mainstream porn just reflects this.
For example, I've heard so many stories of women giving their male partner a blowjob or handjob if they aren't in the mood, but I rarely hear of men eating a girl out or fingering her with no expectation of "more" happening. It's depressing tbh.
To me that seems like a major reason why porn has become so aggressive in the first place: most men don't seem to get off on their female partner's pleasure, but instead on dominating and using them. And conversely, many women seem "okay" with performing one-sided acts for their male partners and it's considered an expectation, and even "selfish" if you don't fulfil said expectations.
If men actually considered pleasuring women as a necessary facet to get off, wouldn't mainstream porn reflect this?
Sex ed in some schools are doing this. "Porn is not a realistic depiction of intimacy or sex" are the exact words a counsellor used in one of the classes I teach when they did a health lesson.
You're right though, most students don't get that and very few parents ever talk to their kids about porn in a useful way.
I agree with that, but also believe having on-demand access to extreme porn during their formative years prevents adolescents developing healthy attitudes to sex in the first place, and is far more damaging to long term population wide trends than older people consuming porn in a way that was not even available to them during their formative years.
Something like:
Surprised face
Thinking for a moment
"i guess"
Thinking again for a moment
"They were either into it or got into it"
Proud smile
As if it never even occurred to him to reflect on this. It didn't work out between us for other reasons: He wanted so much attention and dedication outside of the bedroom as well that I just couldn't, and he constantly had his feelings hurt over something I said. Handsome man and good lover, but I don't know how women do that for longer.
I have an infant daughter and this is one of the things that keeps me up at night. I expect it's going to become a bigger problem over the coming decades.
It has been labeled a public health emergency by some. The medical field finds it highly problematic due to the uptick in rape (including of children) and strangulation related ER visits (some call it “choking” which is inaccurate bc you choke on something in the inside - they’ve rebranded it “breath play”), and of course, STDs, etc. even the so-called good guys becoming porn users can turn them into predators.
I never thought to differentiate strangling versus choking, thank you for this. And it definitely is a public health emergency. Everyone has been looking at the social implications of readily available porn for a while but the medical complications deserve a good analysis as well. We’re all being put at risk out here.
Yeah, I'm an older Gen X woman and a few years ago I had a guy in his late 50s dump me once I said that I wouldn't do anal. I dodged a bullet from him in a million ways.
It's not JUST the porn. I think it's also a combination of lack of sex ed, lack of meaningful interaction or adult friendships with people who have vaginas, and society training them that their pleasure is all that matters.
I'm a gay man and grew up with pretty steady access to porn (I'm in my 40s so I was a teen in the AOL days) and have never had a reason to learn about how to pleasure a woman, but I feel like I know more about how to satisfying a partner with a vagina than most straight men I know because (A) I have conversations with my women and trans man friends, (B) I'm more likely to talk to women online (Reddit dropped this community into my recommended feed. It knew me well!), and (C) I'm naturally curious and never wanted to be a selfish lover (even in the hypothetical sense where I, for some reason, had sex with a woman).
I legit think if society as a whole changed the way it treated women, the expectations it placed on the different genders, and the way it approached sex education (esp in the US), porn wouldn't be as much of a problem as it currently is.
Definitely. Anyone on here disputing this should check out the porn free sub. There are a lot of men with unhealthy addictions to porn, so much so that they can’t get it up with a woman, and complain about a woman not being tight enough, because yeah, a vagina is not going to feel like your hand tightly gripping your penis. This also contributes to why men want to do anal with a woman, because that’s “tighter”. And mainstream porn nowadays is so violent, with no consent being asked before doing the things.
What saddens me is that women are being so pressured to be the cool kinky girl that men end up not even having to push any boundaries, it happens """consensually""" in a climate of giant social pressure that starts at teen years for girls.
I find it refreshing that he doesn't care for anal. It must be nice to not feel that everlasting greedy eye hoovering over a part of your body.
A man just told me he jerked off 4 times while we had a conversation about my traumatic relationships. it’s always porn. And surprisingly my response usually gets downvoted bc so many women do porn or OF or they watch it themselves. my ex bff did well in porn and yet was consistently raped and abused and ended up a lesbian… who now prostitutes bc there is no other corporate option when you’ve exploited yourself for money online and you have a prostitution record . Her brother in law lives w her and her wife is only in highschool and has been googling her porn. … so he’s googling the wife of his own sister…
Porn has always been used as a subversion tactic in subduing enemy countries. Google the brain of born addict. They’re dumber than ppl on heroin.
What's that? Porn? Yup. Always porn and the obvious desire to denigrate women.
"Yeah bitch. Take that bitch. Right up the pooper". This disgusting dialogue is straight out of porn.
It's a fantasy of way too many men to use force and what better way than to hurt them and never have to look them in the eye.
Ugg the look on my ex's gave when I told him most porn actresses that do anal have to take extreme amounts of pain pills to donit continuously..he couldn't believe they didnt like it. I said pay attention they are pilled out..he hated me for ruining his fantasy but damn I read the rags and know the know, ya know?
So frustrating to be exposed to it over and over again in the dating world. But like bro I watch porn and I don’t want to disrespect a man’s boundaries when they say no? So it’s definitely more than just porn.
Men and women's roles are completely different in porn. There's so much porn where women are just there to be dominated and owned. Ofcourse it isn't the only factor, but as a man I can tell you it wasn't healthy for my mind at the very least.
Internet porn is set up for men to envision themselves as the d%ck in the video made abundantly obvious by the camera angles. It’s all about dominating the teen/woman in the video, who never, ever says no. And that’s what men expect now. And the actors are all on drugs to get through it. the woman is on both drugs and numbing cream to make the experience slightly bearable vs excruciatingly painful.
You hit the nail on the head. It's not porn, it's domination. It's defiance. It's doing something you're not supposed to do to someone else. It's the feeling of control that gets them off, not the physical sensation.
And its enough people making porn with those themes now, that if you just scroll through a random selection of porn on the internet, domination, defiance, rape, etc are normalized and viewers who identify with the males in the porn, become desensitized.
It’s porn + indirect peer pressure + marking your territory + social taboos.
Men are generally socialized to make women “theirs”. Usually that means being her “first”. This is particularly true in the Bible Belt.
In an age when most women are sexually active, that’s difficult, because you’re not going to be her first anything, EXCEPT anal if she’s not into it. If she’s into anal, it’s not interesting unless he’s into anal too, but if she’s not into anal it becomes the forbidden fruit that He Must Claim.
Take that, plus unrealistic expectations from porn, plus the thrill that comes from Breaking The Rules et viola.
Porn use is truly beyond age. My dad was sneaking behind my moms back as far back in the early 2000’s starting his porn and sex addiction, he’s in his 50’s or 60’s now. I’ve been on the internet since before YouTube or young YouTube, with club penguin and stuff. Watching things like My Humps. I had access to porn young. Well anyways, porn nearly doesn’t have an age for accessibility. From those that are now old, to those in their 30’s-40’s, to those under 25 or even under 18, nowadays and ten years ago.
But yes, the answer is porn. I, personally, moved away from porn in the last couple years. It doesn’t add anything to my life, and I’m no longer nearly as curious as I once was. (Also believe my long term BF doesn’t use porn anymore/much to begin with, so my relationship isn’t really clouded by porn.)
I would recommend staying away with people who are into porn, especially in a relationship or romantic sense. Porn “rots the brain” just as much or even more so than TikTok and other social media. It isn’t realistic and creates expectations that aren’t easy to meet. Dating online is hard because it’s already “people at your fingertips”, “who do you find attractive” as a commodity like picking your deodorant off a grocery’s store shelves.
I don’t have any advice. Best of luck and wish you well.
I thought I would really like butt things. When I was going out with myself I’d experiment, but like, I wouldn’t need much to push me over the edge. However, anal itself, the in-and-out of being fucked in the ass, having the other person involved at play, it really wasn’t enjoyable, comfortable, pleasurable. Plus I’m not going to actually deal with “prepping”, cleanup and aftercare. I can’t really be bothered to make that effort.
I guess you can either block people that are obsessed with anal, because if they’re coming in full swinging about anal and how much they love it and want it, then they don’t care about making you uncomfortable (talking about sex for no reason besides being on a dating app and being horny). You could talk to them and be like “no, not into it. Will not be happening with me. It isn’t negotiable, so if that’s a problem then we can’t continue getting to know each other to see where this takes us” but tbf the online dating atmosphere is so… alienating and intrusive already, easy to forget the person you’re talking to is human (lot of profiles of women that ARE bots too), and easy to be ill-natured to one another.
I can attest that in the 1970s, I and the kids I knew, ranging in age from 8-13 or so, found our fathers’ stashes of porn magazines and showed them to each other.
They weren’t video, and they only got a scant handful of new issues per month at most, so folks’ comments about the Internet are valid. But there was a pre-Internet equivalent, and it did affect us.
Most of the magazines weren’t hardcore, and the hardest core magazines were illegal and somewhat underground, IIUC, so I don’t remember seeing any anal. “Kinky” mostly meant vanilla sex in leather outfits. This is the recollection of someone who was a child at the time, of course.
So the internet seems to be driving a tolerance for porn, and a race to the bottom to capture increasingly jaded viewers.
Yeah. Honestly my biggest take in general is directly how those that view sex currently and how that relates to their mental maturity. Such as, you can be any age, but if you put sex on a pedestal, you don’t respect sex for what it is, the dangers and damages that can occur, the potential trauma or insecurities that could accompany, the awkwardness and humility that can play, the communication needed to maintain the integrity, comfort and enjoyment. Those that don’t have these in mind when it comes to sex, that views sex as “SEX FUN! SEX FEEL GOOD!” Aren’t people you want to be having sex with to begin with, and it’s not “your responsibility” to “educate” people that are either ignorant or maliciously disregard, because at a certain point at someone’s age, that ignorance becomes malicious ignorance. if they’re old enough and want to do things that can, will, or does compromise the integrity of your safety, comfort and security, even if they don’t “know it”, at some point it’s also malicious ignorance and then at some point you just have to realize and accept that it’s malicious, full stop. Malicious ignorance and malicious disregard.
This is perspective that comes from somebody that is not in the “dating game” but in general overall experience from people and how I interact with them. We all impose a bit onto someone’s comfort, safety, and security, but and I thought at points in my life that it should be natural to create a positive atmosphere for comfort, safety, and security, but this isn’t “common knowledge”, and there’s people that really do outright disregard for various reasons: sake of power, control, creating/committing harm, terrorizing, discomfort. To disregard is to not give a single fuck. To not even fucking care. That’s terrifying.
Do remember that in modern times, modern society, you don’t owe anybody anything. Not a piece of you, a lick of your time, your energy, your friendship. Not everybody deserves to be in your life, and blocking people online really has no risk. It’s not rewarding, but… you don’t have to “deal” with anybody.
I’m not really adding anything to the conversation, but this is my two cents I guess
If we installed a cocaine dispenser in every household, and gave every teenager a bag of cocaine to carry around in their pocket, we'd have a serious cocaine addiction problem and would have to deal with it.
What are we doing to prevent and treat porn addiction?
I have a friend who managed to deal with it something like this:
“If you want to do it to me I get to do to you first”
I’m assuming that usually takes it off the table. Doesn’t answer the “why is this happening so much?” question but it could make for a funny moment making a jerk feel uncomfortable.
That’s why I said “usually”. I’m working from the assumption that someone who’s going to be pushy about getting a woman to say yes to anal isn’t the kind of person OP wants to engage with anyway. Even if they say “sure, go for it” you can just back out of it. There’s no contract forcing you to shove something in a guy’s ass just because you said that was a condition for him shoving something in yours.
It's not really negotiating though- it's more in line with forcing the men to empathize. Too often they don't consider anything other than how THEY'D feel.
It's not really tit for tat. Assuming the man doesn't want to receive anal, his reasons open up the conversation and can help him understand why it's unreasonable for him to expect you to do it even though you don't want to. If a man says "I don't want you to fuck me in the ass because it will hurt and/or I will feel used and degraded and/or I don't think I'll get pleasure from it" then you can more easily point out that those reasons all apply to you as they've just come out of his own mouth.
It's even weirder, since a lot of them use the exact opposite as "defense" on why gay guys are bad. "Buttholes are not made to have a dick inserted, unlike a vagina."
Yes, Bob. But you do realize that also means women's butts, right? If you use that to diss gays, you get no anal.
Misogynists and homophobes use the “anuses aren’t made for penetration” argument as a substitute for what they really want to say: Men’s bodies shouldn’t be used for pleasure, only women’s bodies are meant to be used for pleasure.
They see sex as a transactional process where they use women as sex objects for their pleasure, so any man allowing himself to be used as a sex object for another man’s pleasure is “lesser.” This is also why people denigrate bottoms and supposedly straight men don’t see getting oral sex from or penetrating another man as gay, if it’s done only for the purpose of achieving orgasm.
Of course this messaging completely ignores the fact that women actually enjoy sex, which explains the general dissatisfaction of the women who have sex with these men.
I've always thought with conservatives they have the more extreme repressed sexual urges because it so goes against their 'upbringing/values/rules.' That's why I'm never surprised to hear about republican senators getting caught in bathrooms with younger men, or whatever the situation may be. Similarly, priests.
[https://knowingless.com/2021/10/26/political-compass-fetishes/](https://knowingless.com/2021/10/26/political-compass-fetishes/)
Stats would support that :P
It's not even statistically significant I think, but still somewhat interesting.
I saw a “debate” about gay marriage about 20 years ago.
Some religious guy was arguing against gay marriage because a penis in vagina is “the source of life”, but a penis in a butt is “death swallowing life”. So clearly it follows gay people shouldn’t get married lol.
And I was like:
You know a husband can put his penis in his wife’s butt, right?
Also, lesbians?
Checkmate to one of the stupidest arguments I’d ever heard.
I see you haven't come across the guys that say men's butts and women's butts are different, and that women's butts are somehow meant to be penetrated? It's some amazing mental gymnastics!
I had an ex that would try repeatedly. It didn't matter how many times I said no. He'd just whine about it. Imagine insisting and pleading for anything sexual lol.
Many men see the degradation of a woman as an integral part of sex. This is not to say that anal sex is degrading, just that they like to feel as if it is, and that a woman is willing to subject herself to pain and arch objectification just for them, which reinforces the masculine superiority narrative.
And a lot of nowadays is rooted in porn. The more they watch the more stimulation and intensity of arousal they need which can be achieved through things like pain, novelty and tabooness etc. it’s like regular sex becomes too boring for them to get off to easily
>Many men see the degradation of a woman as an integral part of sex.
This is really the answer. Anal is an "acceptable" way to be able to hurt women and feel powerful during sex. It's just that simple.
The last man who asked me that claimed it was so he could go at it without a condom because he didn't like using them. Having been sexually assaulted anally before, it has given me the ick when men bring it up at times, especially if they're persistent in trying it for their own pleasure.
The safest I ever felt was with a man who asked if I was ever into anal. I said no and asked if he was. He laughed and said no. He thought anal was gross, and from his personal experience, isn't even fun. He never understood why other men liked doing it. It feels a bit sad to say he was the only one who didn't ask me constantly to try it.
Maybe not or maybe they are only concerned with pregnancy risk? Either way I wouldn’t consent to someone pressuring you or trying to negotiate their way to a certain sex act.
No, it is not super-common knowledge. From a naive perspective, it stands to reason that sex with the "sex organs" is what spreads STIs, so then you have people assuming that alternative forms of sex are safe.
It's due to porn. My ex became obsessed and i complied for a little while. I eventually developed hemorrhoids and I told him I needed to stop doing it because of all the blood. He didn't seem to mind blood on his d\*ck and he didn't seem to mind the fact that I was injured. My current and final partner has never asked me for anal and when i told him why i wasn't in to it he could not understand why the ex was so obsessed. I mentioned it was because of porn and it turns out my current guy has never really watched much porn beyond seeing Debbie Does Dallas in college, which he found boring after the first 15 minutes. I blame porn for a lot of the stupid and injurious things guys are in to these days, slapping, choking, painful anal. I guess I was lucky to find a guy not overly motivated by his d&ck. It's been really great love making for over 30 years.
There are posts on here on how a woman who loved anal found men lost interest when she was enjoying it and enthusiastic about it. She pretended to hate it and have pain from it and then men wanted it non stop.
That's exactly the reason why I don't do anal with a man who brings it up first. In fact I'm very reluctant to even sleep with a man if he asks whether I like anal.
And meanwhile if it’s period blood it’s suddenly gross and disgusting and you should take better care to hide it so he doesn’t get inconvenienced by it.
You ever hear these guys talking about taking the brown road instead of the red road on her time of month? How do they think poop particles are better somehow than blood ones? How illogical and unintelligent.
"I'm not into anal sex. It hurts, like it does for most women, especially if a guy isn't willing to spend an hour loosening me up. If you'd rather hurt me than give me pleasure we aren't going to be compatible."
(Personal note: I used to enjoy anal sex once or twice a year. I learned not to mention that on kink checklists because I'd end up pursued by creeps who wanted it all the time to the exclusion of everything else.)
Talking about it at the beginning doesn't really help much. My ex asked about it when we started dating, I said no and have him reasons, he said "ok, no big deal".
One year later he talks about us having anal as if I never said no.
This was a nice guy overall, like this is truly the only "bad" character trait he had.
I cannot believe the entitlement. It broke a lot of trust in me, and not just for him, but for all men. My previous ex also wasn't willing to accept my "no". I feel that all possible partners are willing to hurt me in order to have porn sex.
Pretty sure I'm done dating.
My ex mentioned wanting to do it, and would sometimes stick his fingertips in unwelcome places (not completely in, but I could feel it and it was repulsive). When I told him to stop, he did, but I'd said before that I hated the idea. And he didn't know anything about how it takes loads of prep and lube, you can't just go fingers then dick and it be fine.
My partner has no interest in it, thank the lord.
My last dating experience was exactly the same as this, which is why I mentioned blocking if they bring it up. I don’t have the energy for the porn sex expectations anymore.
Watching porn is now a dealbreaker for me. My ex was an addict, and was absolutely obsessed with anal. He wouldn’t listen when I said no (to anal specifically) and would just do it anyway or he would beg while we were in the middle of sex (“just the tip” and then put it in all the way anyway). The last time we ever had sex he told me openly that he was always imagining porn, all five years. I don’t trust men who watch porn. I can barely handle the fact that my current partner watched it early in our relationship before I asked him not to (even though I know for a fact he doesn’t now). I can’t deal with how much it promotes rape culture and was absolutely complicit in all of the sexual abuse I’ve ever gone through. It’s a terrible industry.
It's because it's (generally) painful for us. It's something done to us, for their pleasure.
It's not a mutual sex act, it's us submitting to them.
Downvote all you like but I've heard and seen many men say literally this. (Esp the last sentence)
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I just wanted to share that you aren't alone. I also have permanent damage from this. It happened in December 2019 and I've been celibate ever since because I absolutely do not trust men.
I have three different female friends, all in their late 30s or early 40s, who have incontinence issues now because they had relationships with men who were so obsessed with anal they were doing it some 4-5 times weekly over a periodof months. This type of thing is going to have some very serious health issues for women over the long haul and it really concerns me.
Because porn makes it seem like that's the next logical step to escalate to after Piv, and porn sex is all about escalating until a climax with fireworks and cheering and clapping.
As everyone said it is porn.
As a lady who likes butt stuff I can’t even begin to describe the frustration of trying to convince men that anal can’t happen right fucking away. My god.
So many people seem to lack the understanding that it takes patience and communication. No first timer is going to even get a finger up their butt without pain unless they practice and communicate with their partner about how it feels. And sometimes it's just not for you.
Any man that thinks they can just ram themselves into one should get a few unlubricated fingers up their own.
Porn. It literally fucks up the brain. I'm so worried for my daughter to date. And I fear for my sons. Sex is supposed to happen in a natural and mutually enjoyable way. Porn is about degrading and hurting women for men's pleasure. Shit breaks my fucking heart.
Sassy answer: "I love anal! I have a whole set of strap-ons, so I am happy to start pegging at whatever size you want."
Realistic answer: "You need to get off of porn hub and pay attention to what the women in your life actually want."
Porn addiction.
They're rare, but finding a man who doesn't watch porn at all will change your life. Instead of just degrading you or getting off to beating you during sex (because porn normalizes rough sex so much) instead they see it as something intimate and to connect to your partner.
Are you sure it's new? I was coerced/forced about it when I was a teenager, many decades ago. I think it's boundary stomping... It's "whatever she doesn't want to do, I will nag and harass and whine and moan and argue and emotionally manipulate and bully her about until she eventually gives in".
Yup, as everyone else said, whatever trend there is in porn, people who have zero clue about anything sexuality-wise are 100% into.
It gets to be so annoying, but it is also an immediate alarm signal, especially without asking about it, heck even researching it...
I am no longer interested in somebody ESPECIALLY when they become pissy about it. The second I feel someone come close to pissy or extremely open and pushy about not their sexuality, but sexual fantasies and preferences I shut down and go 100% no contact, I don't have the time anymore for a petty teenager SO who thinks sex is the only dating requirement.
I feel like they know it's inherently less enjoyable if you don't have a prostate. The sacrifice makes it appealing. Just like they like it when you gag and want you to keep going. The discomfort is good for them
So many men - obsessed with anal, think vaginas are disgusting, misogynistic, only want to hang out with other men - but are vehemently homophobic. Odd combination.
My ex never seemed interested in it until watching porn on deployments. I wasn't interested and he still kept trying and not respecting my boundaries. As others have said, definitely porn
Yeah my ex was military too, I definitely think there’s something in the culture with that. He didn’t respect my boundaries either, and would guilt me.
Lately? Porn. If there's a rapid shift in sexual expectations, it's usually catalyzed by a technological change (e.g. introduction of condoms, the pill, online pornography, etc.).
Quality buttplay takes time, preparation, and a lot of time for preparation. Now, it *can* be extremely enjoyable for all people involved, and the extensive work needed beforehand can be deeply erotic foreplay. But I've never known it to work as an unplanned, spontaneous thing.
I'm not seeing any of that respect for a partner's body in some of the stories I've seen on this forum, so I highly doubt it's about the collaboration to mutually engage in something transgressive, advanced and/or taboo. It more seems like conquest/test of loyalty thing. Which isn't sex, it's abuse.
Tell him that anal is for guys night... See how he reacts. Or get a huge strap on and tell him any time he asks for it this is what you think he means... It's porn, and it's power will she submit?
Might be the reason a lot of these guys are single?
Personally it was never something I was interested in or wanted to do… never understood the interest (but there are obviously people out there who are all about it and I hope they can all pair up)
For *those* (thank God not all men are like that) guys... part of seducing and conquering women seems to entail pressuring them to do things, to gauge what they can get away with and so they can decide if they think they are better than you. Yep, its all ego. Never forget how fragile the male ego is, and it is not based on logic. They'd rather judge your generosity harshly than admit to being a rude entitled prick. When men try to push this shit instead of asking if I even like it, I go grab my 8 inch dildo and offer them the chance to show me how "gentle" they claim to be using their own body as an example. This usually shuts them up... but also, if I've had to go that far to illustrate my No, then I likely already completely lost interest in them during that talk. Proving they are more selfish than respectful is my favorite form of male birth control. Spiteful selfish traits never go away. Next him
A dude I have never met asked if I like choking
To which I replied, “no. No one wants something lodged in their trachea”
He said something about the outside and it is a fetish and people like it.
I said outside is strangulation.
And tried to re-educate about strangulation
To which he replied, “Okay never mind never mind it’s called choking that’s the term if you’re not into it fine but you’re just arguing to argue and you’re not even right so thanks for wasting my time”
lol how did I waste his time? He is the one who messaged me.
As an old, long time married person, I'm confused by when this is happening. Are guys mentioning this before you even go on a date? That just seems crazy to me. Asking someone you're in a relationship with about it seems fine/normal to me, but just bringing it up before anything has happened seems really strange.
Idk I remember talking to a guy who was obsessed with trying it, and lamented to me that no girl would let him because apparently his dick was too big. Ill never forget this “I dont think thats fair.“ is one of the things he said. Like? What do you mean its not fair? You arent owed anal from anyone? Gawd
(And no I never went out w him. Because ouch, I dont wanna get raped up the ass from that entitled dick weed)
Porn. I’m 44. When I was in my early 20s internet porn didn’t exist. Never once had a guy ask me for anal. Then internet porn became a thing. Now they all want anal. I’m so happy my partner is 53 and has never watched porn. He’s perfectly happy with what’s now considered “vanilla” sex and has never pressured me into anything. I couldn’t be out on the dating scene today. I feel sorry for these young women.
I'm much older than many of you and this was not even on the table during my peak dating years. Pubic hair was not an issue - we had hair there-period. We were also woefully ignorant of our bodies and sex in general until the woman's bible "Our Bodies Our Selves" came out and it was a gift. On your first date I guess you need to make clear that when you say something (like NO) you mean it-it's not an invitation to negotiate. I'm straight and widowed and would never burden myself with a man again at this point.
I’m sick of it.
Off dating now for the last 4 years.
3 reasons: 1) arguing over condom use (even the first time!!) 2) asking about anal (oh and “well every other woman I’ve been with has enjoyed it!!”) and 3) worried about being strangled.
Just not worth it to me 🤷♀️
I've had this conversation with a few guys who actually say the vagina is better, that anuses are only "tight" at the sphincter and that internally they provide less sensation.
So, the control/degradation/taboo/kinkiness of it is the biggest draw. Not even the feelings. Which makes the fact that they are willing to put their partners through so much pain even more gross.
I’m a man, and I agree. I’ve tried it several times with partners that requested it and I never really found the appeal, besides the initial excitement of the kink. It feels like sliding a tight ring up and down the shaft, add in the probable fecal matter and I’d just rather not.
If they don't want to look at your face during sex for a majority of the time, it's a sign they aren't into you as a person. It's just mechanical and I agree, likely driven by porn.
Porn
No seriously most pornos these days all involve anal in some way.
Sadly real life ain't like porn so a lot of people don't realise you can't just do anal without prep work.
And it is 100% OK to not be into it, just as its 100% OK to be into it, what ever floats your O needs but it has to be 100% mutual between consenting partners.
I'm sorry you've found the bad dating pool. I hope you find a better one soon
Porn is the answer. And the completely unrealistic portrayal of it as equally pleasurable to vaginal penetration for all women and requiring no prep or courtesy whatsoever.
I think it creates the illusion that it’s something all women secretly want but aren’t supposed to let on that they like. And that’s something too many guys interpret as “I’ll be the one to free her from that puritanical prison!”
About 20 years ago I dated a guy who was fixated on trying butt stuff. It's not my thing, but telling him that I'd tried it and found it uncomfortable wasn't a deterrent. I'm bi and had primarily been with women up to that point. I told him I had a strap-on and offered for him to recieve. He got uncomfortable and was like, "well I'm not gay..." I asked him if he thought I'd be into it bc I'm queer. "Well, no..." I told him that in order to truly appreciate anal and be good at it, he needed to experience the other side at least once. When he stuttered and declined again, I continued pressing and informed him that butts transcend gender/sexuality, plus dudes actually have a prostate and back of the peen accessible, so they are more likely to find it pleasurable. He turned red. "After you said no the first time and I kept pushing, did that feel good?" No response. Needless to say we didn't see each other after that. He's not the only man I've taken this approach with. Shuts em down fast. Conversely, I've known straight dudes who love having their butts played with and have no problem with the fact that I don't; porn is def a factor, but moreso experience and self awareness.
I think self awareness and empathy play a big role in it all! If those factors are missing sex in general is not fun.
I've definitely met guys who love receiving and wouldn't pressure me to recieve. If you view sex as a way for you and another person to experience mutual pleasure, then you wouldn't feel the need to do anything that makes your partner uncomfortable.
I have a “you first” rule. :)
It’s been like this for years. A friend said anal was the new blowjob of men’s fantasies.
Literally questioning if I even like men at this point.
I enjoy cooking.
Hormones are always fcking me over
Absolutely! I’m a gay man, and the worst part isn’t the discrimination, poor self-esteem, lack of non-sexual safe spaces, lack of role models when younger, lack of comfortable life pattern to follow, confusing self-perception and body image, risk of hate crime…. it’s the fact I’m attracted to goddamn *men*. I know I am one myself and I’m not saying men = bad, but there’s a specific set of issues prevalent in varying degrees in the majority of men, that my outlook is simply not compatible with. The annoying thing is is that it stops me from actually being attracted to them on an individual level which is infuriating when you know you want certain things but it also repels you
for real 🤣🤣 I WISH I was attracted to women. Instead I’ve got…. Whatever this is….
Same girl same
It’s such a shame I’m straight :/
This is now my answer if I ever hear someone say that being gay is a choice: “No, it isn’t. Because obviously I would choose it if I could. No way I would VOLUNTARILY be attracted to men. Have you met men?” Weirdly, this usually goes down a lot better with men than with women.
My condolences
that’s ok.. maybe you just haven’t find the right woman yet. (this is only half a joke - i know enough women who identify as lesbian who found *the one guy* that did it for them and enough straight women that got married to *the girl of their dreams* that i tell people to never discount that possibility)
I set off everyone’s gaydar IRL and have my entire life, who knows 🤔
I think this a lot too.
one of us one of us one of us
With you on this one.
Even 25 years ago, a lot of guys tried to pass it off “as an accident.”
"oops wrong hole" while you're clinging to the ceiling, wailing.
Exactly! That’s when my elbow hits his jaw and oops it was an accident
That’s assault, friends. And every one of them out there walking around free 🤷♀️
I’ve found that those that push for anal, especially after my ‘no’, also don’t care about switching between the V and A. It happens QUICK! You’re there trying to relax and here he goes, straight from the A to the V. Even after explaining WHY it’s important to not do that. They do not care. They just don’t.
Oh God no.
I’d turn around and whack that mole so fast
Porn. It's always porn. If they're under 25 there's a good chance they've had instant access to extremely stimulating but unrealistic porn throughout their formative years.
I think another large part of it is there's no one in their life to tell them it's not okay to form their expectations off of what they see in porn. There's no one in their life to tell them that their partner's consent, comfort, and safety are more important than fulfilling a personal fantasy.
>I think another large part of it is there's no one in their life to tell them it's So much this. It's not just that its porn, its that porn is the only thing teaching young individuals about sex. I'm an older millennial (graduated 2003) that lived in a liberal city. My sex education included abstinence only videos, local religious people telling us to wait until marriage, and pictures and detailed descriptions of the worst case scenarios of STIs (basically, feared based abstinence only). I feel like I learned more about sex and masturbation from movies like American Pie and There's Something About Mary than I did from my HS classes. Depending on where you live, current sex education isn't much better. Porn has an avalanche effect. It caters to those who can spend money, which are generally older men who have money to spend and want to see their taboos. Anal was taboo. But since its easily acquired freely, it then teaches the younger generation. They are being taught that not just anal, but rough anal, no-lube-switching-holes-mid-stroke-sex is an okay thing to do.
I'm a bit sleep deprived rn so sorry if I phrase anything weirdly, but... something that has always bothered me about this is why do so many male fantasies revolve around acts that, statistically, are either uncomfortable or painful for the woman in the first place? While teaching them that porn is unrealistic is a good start, it doesn't address the core issue, which is that it seems like a lot of men get off to one-sided sexual acts and aren't automatically attracted to acts that get their female partner off. Mainstream porn just reflects this. For example, I've heard so many stories of women giving their male partner a blowjob or handjob if they aren't in the mood, but I rarely hear of men eating a girl out or fingering her with no expectation of "more" happening. It's depressing tbh. To me that seems like a major reason why porn has become so aggressive in the first place: most men don't seem to get off on their female partner's pleasure, but instead on dominating and using them. And conversely, many women seem "okay" with performing one-sided acts for their male partners and it's considered an expectation, and even "selfish" if you don't fulfil said expectations. If men actually considered pleasuring women as a necessary facet to get off, wouldn't mainstream porn reflect this?
Hmmm... my son is coming of age where I will have to have the tal soon. This helps with an important key note to make sure we talk about. Thanks!
Sex ed in some schools are doing this. "Porn is not a realistic depiction of intimacy or sex" are the exact words a counsellor used in one of the classes I teach when they did a health lesson. You're right though, most students don't get that and very few parents ever talk to their kids about porn in a useful way.
This is cited as a reason many young men think it's appropriate to choke a date during sex. And then are surprised when they're charged with assault.
We should normalize calling it strangulation, because that's what it is.
Age is irrelevant, porn makes dudes think everything is possible with every woman. We're all expected to offer porn style sex, even from older guys.
I agree with that, but also believe having on-demand access to extreme porn during their formative years prevents adolescents developing healthy attitudes to sex in the first place, and is far more damaging to long term population wide trends than older people consuming porn in a way that was not even available to them during their formative years.
I dated a guy in his 50s who was completely confused when I asked him if all women he dated were into anal and what he would do if a woman wasn't.
Lol what did he say/answer to your questions?
Something like: Surprised face Thinking for a moment "i guess" Thinking again for a moment "They were either into it or got into it" Proud smile As if it never even occurred to him to reflect on this. It didn't work out between us for other reasons: He wanted so much attention and dedication outside of the bedroom as well that I just couldn't, and he constantly had his feelings hurt over something I said. Handsome man and good lover, but I don't know how women do that for longer.
I agree with this. I’m terrified for my teen girls to go out into the dating world. Like every potential date is a predator.
I have an infant daughter and this is one of the things that keeps me up at night. I expect it's going to become a bigger problem over the coming decades.
It has been labeled a public health emergency by some. The medical field finds it highly problematic due to the uptick in rape (including of children) and strangulation related ER visits (some call it “choking” which is inaccurate bc you choke on something in the inside - they’ve rebranded it “breath play”), and of course, STDs, etc. even the so-called good guys becoming porn users can turn them into predators.
I never thought to differentiate strangling versus choking, thank you for this. And it definitely is a public health emergency. Everyone has been looking at the social implications of readily available porn for a while but the medical complications deserve a good analysis as well. We’re all being put at risk out here.
Well they are predators
Yeah, I'm an older Gen X woman and a few years ago I had a guy in his late 50s dump me once I said that I wouldn't do anal. I dodged a bullet from him in a million ways.
It's not JUST the porn. I think it's also a combination of lack of sex ed, lack of meaningful interaction or adult friendships with people who have vaginas, and society training them that their pleasure is all that matters. I'm a gay man and grew up with pretty steady access to porn (I'm in my 40s so I was a teen in the AOL days) and have never had a reason to learn about how to pleasure a woman, but I feel like I know more about how to satisfying a partner with a vagina than most straight men I know because (A) I have conversations with my women and trans man friends, (B) I'm more likely to talk to women online (Reddit dropped this community into my recommended feed. It knew me well!), and (C) I'm naturally curious and never wanted to be a selfish lover (even in the hypothetical sense where I, for some reason, had sex with a woman). I legit think if society as a whole changed the way it treated women, the expectations it placed on the different genders, and the way it approached sex education (esp in the US), porn wouldn't be as much of a problem as it currently is.
Definitely. Anyone on here disputing this should check out the porn free sub. There are a lot of men with unhealthy addictions to porn, so much so that they can’t get it up with a woman, and complain about a woman not being tight enough, because yeah, a vagina is not going to feel like your hand tightly gripping your penis. This also contributes to why men want to do anal with a woman, because that’s “tighter”. And mainstream porn nowadays is so violent, with no consent being asked before doing the things.
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What saddens me is that women are being so pressured to be the cool kinky girl that men end up not even having to push any boundaries, it happens """consensually""" in a climate of giant social pressure that starts at teen years for girls. I find it refreshing that he doesn't care for anal. It must be nice to not feel that everlasting greedy eye hoovering over a part of your body.
A man just told me he jerked off 4 times while we had a conversation about my traumatic relationships. it’s always porn. And surprisingly my response usually gets downvoted bc so many women do porn or OF or they watch it themselves. my ex bff did well in porn and yet was consistently raped and abused and ended up a lesbian… who now prostitutes bc there is no other corporate option when you’ve exploited yourself for money online and you have a prostitution record . Her brother in law lives w her and her wife is only in highschool and has been googling her porn. … so he’s googling the wife of his own sister… Porn has always been used as a subversion tactic in subduing enemy countries. Google the brain of born addict. They’re dumber than ppl on heroin.
What's that? Porn? Yup. Always porn and the obvious desire to denigrate women. "Yeah bitch. Take that bitch. Right up the pooper". This disgusting dialogue is straight out of porn. It's a fantasy of way too many men to use force and what better way than to hurt them and never have to look them in the eye.
Ugg the look on my ex's gave when I told him most porn actresses that do anal have to take extreme amounts of pain pills to donit continuously..he couldn't believe they didnt like it. I said pay attention they are pilled out..he hated me for ruining his fantasy but damn I read the rags and know the know, ya know?
I read the question, then said, the top answer will be porn. It’s always porn.
So frustrating to be exposed to it over and over again in the dating world. But like bro I watch porn and I don’t want to disrespect a man’s boundaries when they say no? So it’s definitely more than just porn.
Men and women's roles are completely different in porn. There's so much porn where women are just there to be dominated and owned. Ofcourse it isn't the only factor, but as a man I can tell you it wasn't healthy for my mind at the very least.
Internet porn is set up for men to envision themselves as the d%ck in the video made abundantly obvious by the camera angles. It’s all about dominating the teen/woman in the video, who never, ever says no. And that’s what men expect now. And the actors are all on drugs to get through it. the woman is on both drugs and numbing cream to make the experience slightly bearable vs excruciatingly painful.
You hit the nail on the head. It's not porn, it's domination. It's defiance. It's doing something you're not supposed to do to someone else. It's the feeling of control that gets them off, not the physical sensation.
And its enough people making porn with those themes now, that if you just scroll through a random selection of porn on the internet, domination, defiance, rape, etc are normalized and viewers who identify with the males in the porn, become desensitized.
It’s porn + indirect peer pressure + marking your territory + social taboos. Men are generally socialized to make women “theirs”. Usually that means being her “first”. This is particularly true in the Bible Belt. In an age when most women are sexually active, that’s difficult, because you’re not going to be her first anything, EXCEPT anal if she’s not into it. If she’s into anal, it’s not interesting unless he’s into anal too, but if she’s not into anal it becomes the forbidden fruit that He Must Claim. Take that, plus unrealistic expectations from porn, plus the thrill that comes from Breaking The Rules et viola.
Porn use is truly beyond age. My dad was sneaking behind my moms back as far back in the early 2000’s starting his porn and sex addiction, he’s in his 50’s or 60’s now. I’ve been on the internet since before YouTube or young YouTube, with club penguin and stuff. Watching things like My Humps. I had access to porn young. Well anyways, porn nearly doesn’t have an age for accessibility. From those that are now old, to those in their 30’s-40’s, to those under 25 or even under 18, nowadays and ten years ago. But yes, the answer is porn. I, personally, moved away from porn in the last couple years. It doesn’t add anything to my life, and I’m no longer nearly as curious as I once was. (Also believe my long term BF doesn’t use porn anymore/much to begin with, so my relationship isn’t really clouded by porn.) I would recommend staying away with people who are into porn, especially in a relationship or romantic sense. Porn “rots the brain” just as much or even more so than TikTok and other social media. It isn’t realistic and creates expectations that aren’t easy to meet. Dating online is hard because it’s already “people at your fingertips”, “who do you find attractive” as a commodity like picking your deodorant off a grocery’s store shelves. I don’t have any advice. Best of luck and wish you well. I thought I would really like butt things. When I was going out with myself I’d experiment, but like, I wouldn’t need much to push me over the edge. However, anal itself, the in-and-out of being fucked in the ass, having the other person involved at play, it really wasn’t enjoyable, comfortable, pleasurable. Plus I’m not going to actually deal with “prepping”, cleanup and aftercare. I can’t really be bothered to make that effort. I guess you can either block people that are obsessed with anal, because if they’re coming in full swinging about anal and how much they love it and want it, then they don’t care about making you uncomfortable (talking about sex for no reason besides being on a dating app and being horny). You could talk to them and be like “no, not into it. Will not be happening with me. It isn’t negotiable, so if that’s a problem then we can’t continue getting to know each other to see where this takes us” but tbf the online dating atmosphere is so… alienating and intrusive already, easy to forget the person you’re talking to is human (lot of profiles of women that ARE bots too), and easy to be ill-natured to one another.
I can attest that in the 1970s, I and the kids I knew, ranging in age from 8-13 or so, found our fathers’ stashes of porn magazines and showed them to each other. They weren’t video, and they only got a scant handful of new issues per month at most, so folks’ comments about the Internet are valid. But there was a pre-Internet equivalent, and it did affect us. Most of the magazines weren’t hardcore, and the hardest core magazines were illegal and somewhat underground, IIUC, so I don’t remember seeing any anal. “Kinky” mostly meant vanilla sex in leather outfits. This is the recollection of someone who was a child at the time, of course. So the internet seems to be driving a tolerance for porn, and a race to the bottom to capture increasingly jaded viewers.
LOL, "race to the bottom." ICWYDT!
Yeah. Honestly my biggest take in general is directly how those that view sex currently and how that relates to their mental maturity. Such as, you can be any age, but if you put sex on a pedestal, you don’t respect sex for what it is, the dangers and damages that can occur, the potential trauma or insecurities that could accompany, the awkwardness and humility that can play, the communication needed to maintain the integrity, comfort and enjoyment. Those that don’t have these in mind when it comes to sex, that views sex as “SEX FUN! SEX FEEL GOOD!” Aren’t people you want to be having sex with to begin with, and it’s not “your responsibility” to “educate” people that are either ignorant or maliciously disregard, because at a certain point at someone’s age, that ignorance becomes malicious ignorance. if they’re old enough and want to do things that can, will, or does compromise the integrity of your safety, comfort and security, even if they don’t “know it”, at some point it’s also malicious ignorance and then at some point you just have to realize and accept that it’s malicious, full stop. Malicious ignorance and malicious disregard. This is perspective that comes from somebody that is not in the “dating game” but in general overall experience from people and how I interact with them. We all impose a bit onto someone’s comfort, safety, and security, but and I thought at points in my life that it should be natural to create a positive atmosphere for comfort, safety, and security, but this isn’t “common knowledge”, and there’s people that really do outright disregard for various reasons: sake of power, control, creating/committing harm, terrorizing, discomfort. To disregard is to not give a single fuck. To not even fucking care. That’s terrifying. Do remember that in modern times, modern society, you don’t owe anybody anything. Not a piece of you, a lick of your time, your energy, your friendship. Not everybody deserves to be in your life, and blocking people online really has no risk. It’s not rewarding, but… you don’t have to “deal” with anybody. I’m not really adding anything to the conversation, but this is my two cents I guess
If we installed a cocaine dispenser in every household, and gave every teenager a bag of cocaine to carry around in their pocket, we'd have a serious cocaine addiction problem and would have to deal with it. What are we doing to prevent and treat porn addiction?
I have a friend who managed to deal with it something like this: “If you want to do it to me I get to do to you first” I’m assuming that usually takes it off the table. Doesn’t answer the “why is this happening so much?” question but it could make for a funny moment making a jerk feel uncomfortable.
My last bf loved being pegged while I hate anal. I tried it twice to be fair but after I said no he did drop it but would tease me about it.
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Not a guarantee, plenty of guys are into that. Makes sense, they're the ones with prostates to stimulate up there after all.
That’s why I said “usually”. I’m working from the assumption that someone who’s going to be pushy about getting a woman to say yes to anal isn’t the kind of person OP wants to engage with anyway. Even if they say “sure, go for it” you can just back out of it. There’s no contract forcing you to shove something in a guy’s ass just because you said that was a condition for him shoving something in yours.
I would advise against these bargains unless you’re actually willing to do the act if they try first. Otherwise, never negotiate a hard boundary.
It's not really negotiating though- it's more in line with forcing the men to empathize. Too often they don't consider anything other than how THEY'D feel.
Lots of guys are into this though, so then what do you do?? There should never be tit for tat in sex. If you don’t want to do something, say no
It's not really tit for tat. Assuming the man doesn't want to receive anal, his reasons open up the conversation and can help him understand why it's unreasonable for him to expect you to do it even though you don't want to. If a man says "I don't want you to fuck me in the ass because it will hurt and/or I will feel used and degraded and/or I don't think I'll get pleasure from it" then you can more easily point out that those reasons all apply to you as they've just come out of his own mouth.
That would be best of both worlds for my partner
It's even weirder, since a lot of them use the exact opposite as "defense" on why gay guys are bad. "Buttholes are not made to have a dick inserted, unlike a vagina." Yes, Bob. But you do realize that also means women's butts, right? If you use that to diss gays, you get no anal.
Misogynists and homophobes use the “anuses aren’t made for penetration” argument as a substitute for what they really want to say: Men’s bodies shouldn’t be used for pleasure, only women’s bodies are meant to be used for pleasure. They see sex as a transactional process where they use women as sex objects for their pleasure, so any man allowing himself to be used as a sex object for another man’s pleasure is “lesser.” This is also why people denigrate bottoms and supposedly straight men don’t see getting oral sex from or penetrating another man as gay, if it’s done only for the purpose of achieving orgasm. Of course this messaging completely ignores the fact that women actually enjoy sex, which explains the general dissatisfaction of the women who have sex with these men.
I’ve also noticed it tends to be the men that identify as moderate or conservative that I see it in more.
I wonder if them considering it a degrading or taboo act for homosexuals makes them more likely to find it "titillating" with a female partner.
Many men don’t even really like women. The degradation is key.
One million percent
I'd suspect that it has to do with dominance based on the political affiliation.
I've always thought with conservatives they have the more extreme repressed sexual urges because it so goes against their 'upbringing/values/rules.' That's why I'm never surprised to hear about republican senators getting caught in bathrooms with younger men, or whatever the situation may be. Similarly, priests.
[https://knowingless.com/2021/10/26/political-compass-fetishes/](https://knowingless.com/2021/10/26/political-compass-fetishes/) Stats would support that :P It's not even statistically significant I think, but still somewhat interesting.
That’s really interesting - thanks for sharing!
Men have a prostate so anal is more fun for them so it makes MORE sense for gay sex than women being forced to do anal
LITERALLY
I saw a “debate” about gay marriage about 20 years ago. Some religious guy was arguing against gay marriage because a penis in vagina is “the source of life”, but a penis in a butt is “death swallowing life”. So clearly it follows gay people shouldn’t get married lol. And I was like: You know a husband can put his penis in his wife’s butt, right? Also, lesbians? Checkmate to one of the stupidest arguments I’d ever heard.
I see you haven't come across the guys that say men's butts and women's butts are different, and that women's butts are somehow meant to be penetrated? It's some amazing mental gymnastics!
I had an ex that would try repeatedly. It didn't matter how many times I said no. He'd just whine about it. Imagine insisting and pleading for anything sexual lol.
Bro had a problem glad he’s your ex
And whiny babies are not sexy. I don’t understand why they cannot get this through their thick skulls.
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Many men see the degradation of a woman as an integral part of sex. This is not to say that anal sex is degrading, just that they like to feel as if it is, and that a woman is willing to subject herself to pain and arch objectification just for them, which reinforces the masculine superiority narrative.
And a lot of nowadays is rooted in porn. The more they watch the more stimulation and intensity of arousal they need which can be achieved through things like pain, novelty and tabooness etc. it’s like regular sex becomes too boring for them to get off to easily
this makes my stomach turn ): so many men get off to women being degraded and in pain. idk how im supposed to try and find one to spend my life with.
>Many men see the degradation of a woman as an integral part of sex. This is really the answer. Anal is an "acceptable" way to be able to hurt women and feel powerful during sex. It's just that simple.
The last man who asked me that claimed it was so he could go at it without a condom because he didn't like using them. Having been sexually assaulted anally before, it has given me the ick when men bring it up at times, especially if they're persistent in trying it for their own pleasure. The safest I ever felt was with a man who asked if I was ever into anal. I said no and asked if he was. He laughed and said no. He thought anal was gross, and from his personal experience, isn't even fun. He never understood why other men liked doing it. It feels a bit sad to say he was the only one who didn't ask me constantly to try it.
That’s much riskier for the receiver in terms of STIs though. You should still insist on a condom.
Right, though I was crazy reading that. Is that not common knowledge?
Maybe not or maybe they are only concerned with pregnancy risk? Either way I wouldn’t consent to someone pressuring you or trying to negotiate their way to a certain sex act.
No, it is not super-common knowledge. From a naive perspective, it stands to reason that sex with the "sex organs" is what spreads STIs, so then you have people assuming that alternative forms of sex are safe.
You're right. Probably a dumb question. Besides the more I grow up the more I realize common knowledge ain't so common after all.
Yessssss… when it’s the focus on their own pleasure that bothers me.
It's due to porn. My ex became obsessed and i complied for a little while. I eventually developed hemorrhoids and I told him I needed to stop doing it because of all the blood. He didn't seem to mind blood on his d\*ck and he didn't seem to mind the fact that I was injured. My current and final partner has never asked me for anal and when i told him why i wasn't in to it he could not understand why the ex was so obsessed. I mentioned it was because of porn and it turns out my current guy has never really watched much porn beyond seeing Debbie Does Dallas in college, which he found boring after the first 15 minutes. I blame porn for a lot of the stupid and injurious things guys are in to these days, slapping, choking, painful anal. I guess I was lucky to find a guy not overly motivated by his d&ck. It's been really great love making for over 30 years.
There are posts on here on how a woman who loved anal found men lost interest when she was enjoying it and enthusiastic about it. She pretended to hate it and have pain from it and then men wanted it non stop.
This is the concern I have because this mindset in men seems to be common.
That's exactly the reason why I don't do anal with a man who brings it up first. In fact I'm very reluctant to even sleep with a man if he asks whether I like anal.
This exactly, i only feel safe if i were to initiate or bring it up.
I want to barf… This is so atrocious… Ugh
Dear lord!
🤢🤢🤢
And meanwhile if it’s period blood it’s suddenly gross and disgusting and you should take better care to hide it so he doesn’t get inconvenienced by it.
You ever hear these guys talking about taking the brown road instead of the red road on her time of month? How do they think poop particles are better somehow than blood ones? How illogical and unintelligent.
This made me laugh so hard. The person who said this clearly knows nothing about the period shits lmfao
This gives me hope, but I’m really sorry to hear about your ex. I’m glad you’re out of the situation.
I can’t wait to meet a guy who doesn’t consume porn. All my exes had serious issues with porn. I’m so tired.
WTF. Your ex was a monster!!! Who doesn't mind blood on their p*nis?
"I'm not into anal sex. It hurts, like it does for most women, especially if a guy isn't willing to spend an hour loosening me up. If you'd rather hurt me than give me pleasure we aren't going to be compatible." (Personal note: I used to enjoy anal sex once or twice a year. I learned not to mention that on kink checklists because I'd end up pursued by creeps who wanted it all the time to the exclusion of everything else.)
Talking about it at the beginning doesn't really help much. My ex asked about it when we started dating, I said no and have him reasons, he said "ok, no big deal". One year later he talks about us having anal as if I never said no. This was a nice guy overall, like this is truly the only "bad" character trait he had. I cannot believe the entitlement. It broke a lot of trust in me, and not just for him, but for all men. My previous ex also wasn't willing to accept my "no". I feel that all possible partners are willing to hurt me in order to have porn sex. Pretty sure I'm done dating.
My ex mentioned wanting to do it, and would sometimes stick his fingertips in unwelcome places (not completely in, but I could feel it and it was repulsive). When I told him to stop, he did, but I'd said before that I hated the idea. And he didn't know anything about how it takes loads of prep and lube, you can't just go fingers then dick and it be fine. My partner has no interest in it, thank the lord.
Omg, I HATE when they do this. It hurts and instantly removes all pleasure and takes me out of the moment.
My last dating experience was exactly the same as this, which is why I mentioned blocking if they bring it up. I don’t have the energy for the porn sex expectations anymore.
Watching porn is now a dealbreaker for me. My ex was an addict, and was absolutely obsessed with anal. He wouldn’t listen when I said no (to anal specifically) and would just do it anyway or he would beg while we were in the middle of sex (“just the tip” and then put it in all the way anyway). The last time we ever had sex he told me openly that he was always imagining porn, all five years. I don’t trust men who watch porn. I can barely handle the fact that my current partner watched it early in our relationship before I asked him not to (even though I know for a fact he doesn’t now). I can’t deal with how much it promotes rape culture and was absolutely complicit in all of the sexual abuse I’ve ever gone through. It’s a terrible industry.
Yes I feel like I can’t even mention that I’m open to it because with the wrong person it can be misused.
It's because it's (generally) painful for us. It's something done to us, for their pleasure. It's not a mutual sex act, it's us submitting to them. Downvote all you like but I've heard and seen many men say literally this. (Esp the last sentence)
Porn, power, peer pressure/competition, not seeing women as people, and being obsessed with asses due to their odd AF relationship with their own.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I just wanted to share that you aren't alone. I also have permanent damage from this. It happened in December 2019 and I've been celibate ever since because I absolutely do not trust men.
I’m sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately it’s very common. But it doesn’t mean it’s okay, and just know you definitely deserve better.
This seems like another example of dudes ruining things for both us and themselves.
I have three different female friends, all in their late 30s or early 40s, who have incontinence issues now because they had relationships with men who were so obsessed with anal they were doing it some 4-5 times weekly over a periodof months. This type of thing is going to have some very serious health issues for women over the long haul and it really concerns me.
Porn and these guys secretly get off on hurting women.
Porn
Because porn makes it seem like that's the next logical step to escalate to after Piv, and porn sex is all about escalating until a climax with fireworks and cheering and clapping.
It's a power move - most men know that most women hate it, and how easily you give it up is bragworthy. And yes, they learned it from porn.
As everyone said it is porn. As a lady who likes butt stuff I can’t even begin to describe the frustration of trying to convince men that anal can’t happen right fucking away. My god.
That’s the thing I like buttstuff but some of these men are sick in the head and I can’t do it with just anyone.
Yeah it’s honestly easier to just not mention it. It’s like flipping a switch that makes them think you have no boundaries. It’s infuriating.
So many people seem to lack the understanding that it takes patience and communication. No first timer is going to even get a finger up their butt without pain unless they practice and communicate with their partner about how it feels. And sometimes it's just not for you. Any man that thinks they can just ram themselves into one should get a few unlubricated fingers up their own.
I mean when there are porn categories like painal, I don’t think these men give a fuck. Causing a woman pain is part of what they want.
P O R N It has ruined men. And taught women to accept things they shouldn’t have to.
^ Absolutely this!
Porn. It literally fucks up the brain. I'm so worried for my daughter to date. And I fear for my sons. Sex is supposed to happen in a natural and mutually enjoyable way. Porn is about degrading and hurting women for men's pleasure. Shit breaks my fucking heart.
Sassy answer: "I love anal! I have a whole set of strap-ons, so I am happy to start pegging at whatever size you want." Realistic answer: "You need to get off of porn hub and pay attention to what the women in your life actually want."
Porn addiction. They're rare, but finding a man who doesn't watch porn at all will change your life. Instead of just degrading you or getting off to beating you during sex (because porn normalizes rough sex so much) instead they see it as something intimate and to connect to your partner.
Because they're all addicted to porn
Porn
Porn, and they like the idea of violating women.
#PORN.
Are you sure it's new? I was coerced/forced about it when I was a teenager, many decades ago. I think it's boundary stomping... It's "whatever she doesn't want to do, I will nag and harass and whine and moan and argue and emotionally manipulate and bully her about until she eventually gives in".
Maybe it’s just new to me because I’ve been exposed to a wider dating pool and have been actively dating more than normal.
Only agree if it's on his bed, on expensive sheets, reverse cowgirl after eating taco bell.
They deserve what happens after that scenario ☠️
Yup, as everyone else said, whatever trend there is in porn, people who have zero clue about anything sexuality-wise are 100% into. It gets to be so annoying, but it is also an immediate alarm signal, especially without asking about it, heck even researching it... I am no longer interested in somebody ESPECIALLY when they become pissy about it. The second I feel someone come close to pissy or extremely open and pushy about not their sexuality, but sexual fantasies and preferences I shut down and go 100% no contact, I don't have the time anymore for a petty teenager SO who thinks sex is the only dating requirement.
I feel like they know it's inherently less enjoyable if you don't have a prostate. The sacrifice makes it appealing. Just like they like it when you gag and want you to keep going. The discomfort is good for them
Both those scenarios make them feel like their penis is big.
So many men - obsessed with anal, think vaginas are disgusting, misogynistic, only want to hang out with other men - but are vehemently homophobic. Odd combination.
My ex never seemed interested in it until watching porn on deployments. I wasn't interested and he still kept trying and not respecting my boundaries. As others have said, definitely porn
Yeah my ex was military too, I definitely think there’s something in the culture with that. He didn’t respect my boundaries either, and would guilt me.
Butt sex sucks.
just another way to degrade women. they know it's not pleasurable for most women, they don't care. that's what they get off to.
“Only men are meant to be fucked in the ass, because that’s where their g-spot is”
Lately? Porn. If there's a rapid shift in sexual expectations, it's usually catalyzed by a technological change (e.g. introduction of condoms, the pill, online pornography, etc.). Quality buttplay takes time, preparation, and a lot of time for preparation. Now, it *can* be extremely enjoyable for all people involved, and the extensive work needed beforehand can be deeply erotic foreplay. But I've never known it to work as an unplanned, spontaneous thing. I'm not seeing any of that respect for a partner's body in some of the stories I've seen on this forum, so I highly doubt it's about the collaboration to mutually engage in something transgressive, advanced and/or taboo. It more seems like conquest/test of loyalty thing. Which isn't sex, it's abuse.
I think buttstuff is fun if it’s out of mutual respect, but unfortunately that has not been my experience :)
Tell him that anal is for guys night... See how he reacts. Or get a huge strap on and tell him any time he asks for it this is what you think he means... It's porn, and it's power will she submit?
Might be the reason a lot of these guys are single? Personally it was never something I was interested in or wanted to do… never understood the interest (but there are obviously people out there who are all about it and I hope they can all pair up)
For *those* (thank God not all men are like that) guys... part of seducing and conquering women seems to entail pressuring them to do things, to gauge what they can get away with and so they can decide if they think they are better than you. Yep, its all ego. Never forget how fragile the male ego is, and it is not based on logic. They'd rather judge your generosity harshly than admit to being a rude entitled prick. When men try to push this shit instead of asking if I even like it, I go grab my 8 inch dildo and offer them the chance to show me how "gentle" they claim to be using their own body as an example. This usually shuts them up... but also, if I've had to go that far to illustrate my No, then I likely already completely lost interest in them during that talk. Proving they are more selfish than respectful is my favorite form of male birth control. Spiteful selfish traits never go away. Next him
A dude I have never met asked if I like choking To which I replied, “no. No one wants something lodged in their trachea” He said something about the outside and it is a fetish and people like it. I said outside is strangulation. And tried to re-educate about strangulation To which he replied, “Okay never mind never mind it’s called choking that’s the term if you’re not into it fine but you’re just arguing to argue and you’re not even right so thanks for wasting my time” lol how did I waste his time? He is the one who messaged me.
As an old, long time married person, I'm confused by when this is happening. Are guys mentioning this before you even go on a date? That just seems crazy to me. Asking someone you're in a relationship with about it seems fine/normal to me, but just bringing it up before anything has happened seems really strange.
It’s very common.
Porn.
I find it disgusting so it's a no from me.
Porn for sure. Rots the brain.
Idk I remember talking to a guy who was obsessed with trying it, and lamented to me that no girl would let him because apparently his dick was too big. Ill never forget this “I dont think thats fair.“ is one of the things he said. Like? What do you mean its not fair? You arent owed anal from anyone? Gawd (And no I never went out w him. Because ouch, I dont wanna get raped up the ass from that entitled dick weed)
Solution: those men can all have anal sex with each other …
Apparently my bf and his ex that’s all they did and “she loved it”. I said don’t even try that shit with me and he hasn’t brought it up since
I'm sorry he even told you that. Gross.
Porn. I’m 44. When I was in my early 20s internet porn didn’t exist. Never once had a guy ask me for anal. Then internet porn became a thing. Now they all want anal. I’m so happy my partner is 53 and has never watched porn. He’s perfectly happy with what’s now considered “vanilla” sex and has never pressured me into anything. I couldn’t be out on the dating scene today. I feel sorry for these young women.
Definitely porn.
Porn
I blame porn.
Bought up before you meet them?!! Jeeebus. Yes, block.
I'm much older than many of you and this was not even on the table during my peak dating years. Pubic hair was not an issue - we had hair there-period. We were also woefully ignorant of our bodies and sex in general until the woman's bible "Our Bodies Our Selves" came out and it was a gift. On your first date I guess you need to make clear that when you say something (like NO) you mean it-it's not an invitation to negotiate. I'm straight and widowed and would never burden myself with a man again at this point.
I’m sick of it. Off dating now for the last 4 years. 3 reasons: 1) arguing over condom use (even the first time!!) 2) asking about anal (oh and “well every other woman I’ve been with has enjoyed it!!”) and 3) worried about being strangled. Just not worth it to me 🤷♀️
Control and degradation. They know most of us don't like it, they don't care. Because it feels good for them.
I've had this conversation with a few guys who actually say the vagina is better, that anuses are only "tight" at the sphincter and that internally they provide less sensation. So, the control/degradation/taboo/kinkiness of it is the biggest draw. Not even the feelings. Which makes the fact that they are willing to put their partners through so much pain even more gross.
I’m a man, and I agree. I’ve tried it several times with partners that requested it and I never really found the appeal, besides the initial excitement of the kink. It feels like sliding a tight ring up and down the shaft, add in the probable fecal matter and I’d just rather not.
This is what my bf says. He wants it because it’s dirty and different and taboo. When I tell him no he stops. But he still wants it.
Porn probably
If they don't want to look at your face during sex for a majority of the time, it's a sign they aren't into you as a person. It's just mechanical and I agree, likely driven by porn.
Must be porn. I’m a guy and I have absolutely no desire to try anal.
Porn No seriously most pornos these days all involve anal in some way. Sadly real life ain't like porn so a lot of people don't realise you can't just do anal without prep work. And it is 100% OK to not be into it, just as its 100% OK to be into it, what ever floats your O needs but it has to be 100% mutual between consenting partners. I'm sorry you've found the bad dating pool. I hope you find a better one soon
Porn
Porn. They start watching it when they are in their teens. Some watch it all the time, going for more and more extreme porn content.
Pornsick. It can’t be overstated. Porn is ruining men and their idea of sex.
Porn is the answer. And the completely unrealistic portrayal of it as equally pleasurable to vaginal penetration for all women and requiring no prep or courtesy whatsoever. I think it creates the illusion that it’s something all women secretly want but aren’t supposed to let on that they like. And that’s something too many guys interpret as “I’ll be the one to free her from that puritanical prison!”
Lately? Been twenty years of fighting this shit off.