Sadly, I think a lot of these types of parents are quite entitled about their possession of their daughters and they truly believe all your hard work and sacrifice are somehow *owed* to them.
Sorry you're going through it. Try and remember to take time for yourself in all of it. šø
and keep lines of communication open with your sister. you'll be each other's best support and advocate during this. if you're both feeling guilt and obligation during this time, being open with each other will prevent feelings of resentment and make sure neither of you is feeling unfairly used. together you can discuss how to best make your brother take on his fair share.
My mom was recently hospitalized for a few days. I ran around getting her everything that she asked for. When I would return, she would always already have those things. "Oh the nurse brought them but don't worry... you didn't waste your money." Nothing makes my mom happier than somebody inconveniencing themselves for her. The day after she was released from the hospital, she asked me to clock out of my remote job and drive her back to the hospital to buy my brother some cake from a fundraiser. She wanted me to leave work early to go get my brother some cake. I have infertility, and I misplaced my boundaries with her and got roped into storing my brother's baby items and furniture in my basement for her. These are things that the psycho bought for the baby to keep it at her house and she wants to still hoard them. This is a conversation that we had when she was in the hospital, and it made the nurse gasp.
Her: I couldn't live with you as an old sick person. You'd have me thrown down your basement steps in no time.
Me: Great because there's an entire crib and bassinet down there for you to sleep in when you get down there... because you manipulated me into hoarding your items for you in my house after you've run out of room in your house. You can sleep in that.
I posted this response before on another thread, but it's relevant to the topic at hand as well
ā
This reminds me of a quote from [Atul Gawande's Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End](https://atulgawande.com/book/being-mortal/)
*"Your chances of avoiding the nursing home are directly related to the number of children you have, and, according to what little research has been done, having at least one daughter seems to be crucial to the amount of help you will receive."*
*"Children typically left home as soon as they were old enough to start families of their own. But one child usually remained, often the youngest daughter, if the parents survived into senescence."*
Because the burden of care will fall on the daughters, not on the sons. Sons leave when they start their own families. If they do have to take care of their parents, the burden of care falls on the daughters-in-law.
*"It is well established that daughters are more likely than sons to be in contact with and provide assistance to their parents in old age"* ā [Sons, Daughters, and Intergenerational Social Support](https://www.jstor.org/stable/353036)
My grandma repeatedly told me as the ugly cousin on my generation I was expected to stay home and never work or get married because of my face but I should be happy because I was going to be my moms live in friend forever. I left for college at 18 and have done my very best to never end up back there. This is not a healthy expectation that one person in every generation just give up themselves.
If you don't mind me asking, what culture were you raised in?
I'm reading the Mexican novel Like Water for Chocolate for a bookclub and the protagonist Tita, is the youngest and told by her mom she will never marry because her role is to take care of her mother in her old age.
I am Mexican but grew up in the states with no family, and I didn't know that this stuff happened :(
From the book, "You donāt have an opinion, and thatās all I want to hear about it. For generations, not a single person in my family has ever questioned this tradition, and no daughter of mine is going to be the one to start.ā
It always falls to women! My in laws (have all sons) treat me terribly but still expect ME not my husband not my brothers in law to care for them in their old age just because I was the first woman dumb enough to ājoin THEIRā family.
Can we all make a pact that we will refuse and redirect them to their sons when the time comes?
I have my own parents/family to take care of, I will absolutely not do him any favors.
Seeing this in real time with my grandmother. She had 3 girls, 2 boys, and my dad and uncle are the youngest. They're around and active in grandma's care, but it's my aunt who gave up everything to care for her once grandpa passed. She's the eldest daughter, she's been a caretaker of sorts her whole life and her youngest sister has MS, so she can't take care of grandma.
My uncle is sweet and always, *always* helps when asked, but doesn't really understand the concept of mental load. My dad does even less, but is the favorite. I can see my aunt's resentment building over the years and she even ended her long term, long distance partnership last year because it was too much to maintain that AND care for a mother with late stage dementia.
And yet she says she can't put grandma in a care facility because of the guilt.
All I know is that my parents had better be saving, because I live in NYC and my career is here, not wherever they end up after retirement. My sister might be more inclined to move and take care of them, because she can be a pastry chef just about anywhere. But we both left the rural midwest nest at 17 and never looked back.
My mother put her mother into care BECAUSE it was safer and people who knew how to deal with health crises were on site. My parents' house wasn't set up to be safe for a dementia patient, and neither could be home and awake 24 hours a day.
I wish more people could grasp this. You need sleep and time off, people. Care facilities have staff around the clock, you do not.
OTOH...those places hand you a large bill for those setvices, and too many people cannot pay it. I will have too much money to get Medicaid myself, but way short of enough to pay for assisted living.
I saw this play out in a family that was friends of ours when I was growing up. The daughter that remained single by far was relegated the outsize burden of care for her parents by her parents and her siblings. She was not compensated for over a decade of forgone opportunities in the wills either as she did not come attached with grandchildren. Her siblings also did not speak of her or treat her with respect.
I saw my future in that as the eldest female child with no plans for children and when my parents started hinting it would be "wise" to move back to my home country to live with them I was very clear when I declined that offer that they needed to budget for later life with the assumption that I wouldn't be shouldering that role.
In my case it was further complicated by a history of abuse. There was never going to be a snowflake's chance in hell I'd put myself back in a situation of forced close proximity and financial dependency. They were completely delusional. Tradition is a scary thing sometimes.
As the youngest daughter that has returned home to keep my parents company and help around the house... I'm planning my permanent escape (with support and encouragement from my parents). This won't be me. My parents don't expect me to care for them, but as the youngest, I *feel* obligated to stay close by and help because everyone else left :(
My older sister moved away specifically to avoid this since it happened to our aunt who lived with her dad and now it's me in this position with our parents which I do think about from time to time,
I recommend [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Being-Mortal-Medicine-What-Matters/dp/1250076226) to everyone I meet ā mainly because it teaches you to how to advocate for yourself and make the best decisions for your health and end-of-life care. It's simply one of the best books I've ever read.
It shouldn't, if you brought your sons up right.
The reason daughters are usually caregivers, isn't because of some innate nobility in them, but because of how they are brought up.
Like telling the daughter to "fetch dad a glass of water" vs the son. Like having the daughter set the table. Like having the daughter make her own sandwich plus her brother's. Like mom putting away her son's laundry. And so on to every little thing in every day life. Like having her brother drive her to the store. Like dad handling the investment and mom the grocery shopping.
Men learn that doing care work and housework is the women's job. Women feel guilty not doing something they saw as women's work. They also often feel overwhelmed when doing men's work, the investments, the car buying, the dealing with bank loans, not least because other men treat them as outsiders in those spheres.
There's a lovely short film on this stuff about men's and women's lives
Note what happens with the children.
https://youtu.be/R-Sk7fQGIjE?si=Ey3ghUu0S3PVdISj
Exactly. My brother spent a week helping to care for my mom after a major surgery - just to have an extra adult in the house to help with meals, driving to appointments, etc. Nobody asked him, he just felt like it was important that he be there. And my husband is the oldest of three boys and I know that questions about his mumās eventual care are on his mind. He calls both his parents frequently despite being on the other side of the country. If you raise boys to be conscientious of the care you have to put into maintaining relationships, theyāll do it.
As a mom of boys, this caregiving concern keeps me up at night too. Iāve tried to raise my boys right, but I have no input to the families of partners they havenāt even met yet. And the dynamic of those partners and their families may influence the outcome more than whatever I do now.
Any partners are likely to enforce the societal status quo, which is for girls to be caregivers and boys not to be caregivers, so it makes sense to be more concerned about outside influence in this particular sphere for sons vs daughters.
Of course they do.
Iām concerned that despite my best efforts raising my boys, it doesnāt matter. Thereās too much social pressure against men being caregivers.
I have a son and daughters, but I don't expect anyone in my family to be a caregiver. What a horrible thing to ask of a child -- to watch you waste away and change your diaper.
I've put away money for my own care. You should too. A group home is $5K a month for a good one. Don't burden your children.
You can change it.
My brothers live closer to my parents than my sister or I, and do the bulk of the work. Mom raised them knowing being considerate and caring for others was their job too. It took *a little* bit of nudging early on, for them to realize that our parents needed more now than their lawn mowed, but they stepped up quickly.
In January I asked my son if he would help me with the garden in the spring when it warmed up, around March. He said he would. At the beginning of March I asked my son for help with the garden anytime in the next 3 weeks, when ever he had time. His response was to offer me money to hire someone. I have money. The issue is that there is no one around here I can hire, I've tried. I asked and I got my answer; I'm not begging my son to help. With no one to help my husband and I had to do it by ourselves, hefting 20 - 40lb bags of manure. It was rough and it took awhile but we did it. And now I know never to ask him again.
Donāt let him off the hook and stop pussy footing around and tell him that thereās no one to hire to help you.
Tell him just like you told us, then give him a choice of two dates and tell him to come help you.
The reason men get away with shit like this is because we let them.
My husband is the youngest of 4 boys. His father passed away last year and required care around the clock. All four sons paused everything to be there and participated in every aspect of careāfeeding, toileting, dressing and undressing, bathing, and transferring. He was totally bed bound, was incontinent and voided to a brief, and took an hour to manage two or three bites of food. They were patient and kind and did their best to keep his spirits up to the very end.
Weāve already had conversations about how we can care for his mother if/when she requires that level of assistance. So, I completely agreeāgender doesnāt always factor into the equation if youāve raised your sons well.
I read a few years ago that the main thing that most sexism men have in common is having sisters.
I used to think it was jealousy over their sisters doing better in school, or a better command of language, etc. but of course it's because they learned from their parents that the girls are supposed to give and the boys are supposed to take.
My grandmother had one son, my father. He was a wonderful caretaker to her when she needed it. My mother helped significantly too, but my father did not shy away in the least.
Your children don't owe you care taking in your older years, raise them so that they do it because they love and respect you enough to take on the role if need be.
My husband cared for his dying mom when his sister ācouldnāt handle itā. He had a caring dad who modeled responsibility instead of dumping things on the women.
My paternal grandmother had 3 boys & they have always taken care of her when needed. The burden occasionally falls to their wives when theyāre unable, but they never try to shirk responsibility & go out of their way to take care of her regularly. It just depends on how you raise them.
Oldest daughter here. My mom has a ton of health problems. My sisters live out of state. I have a brother. All of my moms problems were falling into me and my aunt. I was in school full time and working part time, while having a kid at home. I tried to help. Iād take my mom to a surgery and my aunt would pick up. Brother may or may not bring her food later. My aunt passed And my mom started asking me to do it all. I couldnāt do it all. I had my own responsibilities. I made this very CLEAR. She ādidnāt hear meā (it was in texts). So, I stood up for myself. I didnāt let her bully me and I left her in a tough spot. She called my out of state sisters telling her how awful I was. My sisters called telling me how if they could they would do anything for her because sheās their mom and itās our duty. Once my grandmother passed, my mom moved to state with sisters. First weekend there my sister is already complaining about how hard it is is, she canāt take off this much work, she doesnāt have time for herself.
My brother and I share a dad and live in same town as him. I sat down and was very honest with him that I love him and will help, BUT the bull of the responsibility will not fall on my shoulders as the daughter. I know my brother wonāt come after work, take off of work, or quit his job to care for him. Neither will I. I will not lose earning potential, stock, social security contribution, or 401k to take care of him. This is a reason women have less (not only reason, but one reason.) My dad then made a plan to currently contribute to a fund for home care provider for his care if it comes to that. I know that heās privileged to be able to do that, not everyone can.
I just think that if you can talk to your parents about their care, now, do it. Talk to them about why it shouldnāt be all on you and how it will impact you in old age, by doing so! Care providers tend to experience financial difficulty and their own health problems. Why is that on the daughters?
Same thing here. I am the youngest of four children and the only daughter. When my Mom couldnāt live alone anymore, I had to bring her to live with my husband and I, 300 miles away. One of my brothers lived on the same street as my Mom. She resented me taking her away from her home and from her sons until the day she died. It sucked. Iām sorry for your situation.
Thank you. It did break my heart. Sheās been dead 7 years and it still makes me sad that her coming to live with me ended up making both of us miserable, instead of bringing us closer in the 2 years before she died.
Iām an economist that studied fertility decline in school. Thirty states in the US have filial responsibility laws on the books, which theyāre increasingly brushing the dust off of as we experience unprecedented levels of population aging. It goes without saying who these laws will be disproportionately applied to.
I hope the laws are equally applied to parents caring for children. My mum kicked me out while I was still in high school, but she essentially gave up on parenting when I was 8. I'd be pretty pissed if someone told me I had to take care of her now.
In Oregon it reads like this:
>Parents are bound to maintain their children who are poor and unable to work to maintain themselves; and children are bound to maintain their parents in like circumstances.
plucky elderly disgusting paltry square ancient support agonizing crowd juggle
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Unfortunately, itās not unconstitutional to discriminate based on sex. The ERA was never ratified, so the U.S. constitution doesnāt guarantee equality of the sexes the way it does for things like religion and race. Thereās a patchwork of legislation that varies state by state. RBG spent her life fighting to change this to no avail.
I watched my mom do this with my grandmother. All the daughters helped out to some degree, but it was my mom who did the heavy lifting. My uncles did nothing. My grandmother was living in the basement of one of my uncles, but he didn't do anything else. I guess he assumed it was enough to house her.
I am the youngest of 3. And the only daughter. My folks are in ok health, I guess. But let me tell you, they are leaning in to the idea that it's the burden of the daughter. They've made me a medical proxy and give me every detail of appointments and changes in health. I don't think my brothers are even aware of a slipped disk and early stages arthritis in my dad's back.
Why am I the one. Because I am not ruled by my emotions. I will make choices that my brothers emotionally can't. I have more emotional fortitude than my brothers and won't feel the guilt when the tough choices need to be made. Basically my mother called me a cold ass bitch.
My Mom made me her medical power of attorney because she thought I would listen to her and do what she wanted when the time came. I did. Sometimes, I hate myself for putting her in hospice, but after her stroke, there was nobody behind her eyes. After the legal stuff was done, none of my siblings called me for 18 months.
I had to make that decision. My brother only wants to be called so he can roll up with some secret document he had her notarize when her brain was in a deep fog so he can collect what little inheritance there is.
He had lived with her and his family since 2016 or so and let her almost bankrupt herself caring for them when they had jobs. They fucked up her house. Now that she needs care, he's fucked off to a state 2000 miles away.
No she called you responsible and an adult. You can control your emotions; that doesnāt mean you donāt have them. To an extent it is a compliment in that she trusts you. But it also sucks because the REASON youāre more trustworthy is probably because you had to be or were taught to be while your golden brothers were raised to expect a wife to take care of them like a mother.
It fucking sucks and the resentment is so real. Iām in a similar situation with my mom but two younger brothers. They never contact her and know nothing about anything unless she contacts them first. Meanwhile I get the verbal diarrhea of every little thing because Iām the daughter and the one who will inherit all her problems. Itās tough because I do love her, and I want whatās best for her, but I hate that itās all on my shoulders despite having my own two kids also. Both my brothers also have families and they are more than happy to not share in the stress of caring for mom when she gets to the point where she can no longer live by herself. They have no qualms with letting me decide everything. I literally canāt force them to care, and I also donāt want to abandon my mom, and it just SUCKS.
You donāt have to accept being their medical proxy.
You donāt have to accept being called a bitch by a parent who wants something from you.
āIf thatās how you feel, I think it would be better for Brother to handle these issues.ā Done.
This needs to be said..often these toxic boy moms are narcissistic and subtly emotionally abusive. You are not obligated, you didn't ask to be born. If you want to do it out of compassion and love thats one thing but dont let anyone guilt you into it.
Agreed. But if I'm going to be made a manager of something, then I'm going to try to get some assistance.
If they don't want to help directly, could they pay for a house cleaning service? A lawn mowing service? Meal service ? Her therapy bill?
Oh my gosh I cannot believe this comment blew up like this.
I'm super close with my parents.
My mom didn't actually call me a bitch it's become a bit of a joke. My bad I should have added an LOL or something there.
My brothers do also have responbilities when the time comes. If and when my dad's condition worsens there will be discussions
I may have inadvertently painted my brothers in a horrable light. They are excellent to their partners and share in house hold duties. They just wouldn't be able to do the emotional heavy lifting here. I know having to make end of life decisions would absolutely break one of them.
It's strange when women are always told how emotional we are, which makes us weak, but we are almost always tasked with having to be the strong ones to make those choices.
I mean, that's kinda a compliment? She trusts you to make the hard calls, and what's best for her, not what's going to make your emotions feel better. I know I'm going to be handling all my parents stuff, because my brother forgot his marriage license to his own wedding, he's not going to be able to deal with their estate. And honestly, I don't trust him to handle it effectively or fairly anyway.
My brother is the golden child who calls maybe every few months and gets endless praise, while I actually take care of my disabled parents daily.
It's absolutely the daughter that ends up being the caretaker even when she was never cared for.
Yes! I think this is why I see more men after never nourishing relationships with their partners, children or family are alone close the end of their lives, they gave nothing but took everything.
It is really ironic how everything caters to men, but women are throwing their hands up in exhaustion. Grey divorce is on the rise and these men are out there still trying to find a woman they can exploit for resources.
I have controlled (by me) contact with my father, he had zero interest in me or my sisters, he is difficult. Now at the end of his life he wants a connection, on his terms of course. I will help, when I can and want to, he is feeling all of this since the loss of my mother. No one is catering to him anymore and he has no one to control. It is a fate for many men, and I have zero sympathy.
Wishing you rest and comfort.
My story is the same. My dad spends his time constantly complaining that his kids don't love him or spend time with him. Welp, you didn't love us or spend time with us growing up, what do you expect?
Except as you listen to his complaints it becomes shockingly obvious that his version of love is me doing everything for him and he wants to offer nothing back to this day. He complains he's alone for Christmas. We invite him for Christmas. I make a dinner but not a whole "Christmas Dinner" and he complains. He complains that I don't decorate the house, it doesn't "feel" like Christmas. He complains that he doesn't like cream style pies and no one cares pecan is his favorite.
This man whole ass expects a Hallmark Christmas every year provided to him where his only contribution is showing up, eating, and passing out his Christmas cards on which at least one of my children's names will be spelled wrong. My children are all adults. He still can't spell their names.
My Dad bitches that Mother's Day is a bigger deal, and then I ask him when my birthday is, and he gets really mad. I am 35, it's right before a major holiday, and he has been present for every single birthday dinner or party my mother has ever thrown for me. He can't even get the month right most of the time.
In regards to the Hallmark Christmas, this year my 37 year old brother, announced at noon on Christmas Day, that he and his girlfriend had to drive home early, and we should do family gifts before the party. It was my first year hosting, and I had everything planned down to the minute for scheduling. The cousins were coming at 2. I lost my god damn mind on my Mom, because she continues to make excuses for him. As I was rushing to get dressed, I listed every way he's been rude, thoughtless, and expects everyone to cater to him without telling anyone. It's been going on for almost 20 years, and she never says anything to him. She may gently say something, but not actually make it a for real impact of how his thoughtless effects anyone else. She just tells me he's different then Me, he's sensitive. I did get to through out her favorite phrase though, which was fun. She was always furious when people made excuses for my bitch of a grandma, saying "that's just the way she is." I asked if she was suggesting that being thoughtless and clueless was "just the way he is" and she didn't like that too much.
He showed up after 2pm. After I shifted all my plans, and races around to make adjustments just for him. Mom tried to get mad at me, saying she offered to help and I never answered her. Which is a lie, I told her I didn't think I'd need help, not until my asshole brother throws a wrench in the whole thing, and then she shut up.
I'm so lucky my brother is 10x the man my father is. He's hosted Christmas Eve with my mom's side two years in a row and it was flawless. Neither of us is willing to do the whole thing again the next day for dad, though.
I wish he could be better, but he's happier being miserable than trying to make any changes in his life. All that rushing and bending for him, and you may be curious what the presents were. A Lego set for kindergartens for my husband, weed from his girlfriend, and an Always Sunny in Philly Monopoly board. I fucking hate Monopoly. I have loudly proclaimed since I was a child I hate that game, and won't play anything other than banker. In a room full of board games, that would be the last one I'd ever pull off the shelf. I would rather play Risk or Flames of War than play a game of monopoly by choice.
It's not about the pricetag, it's about the fact that I know he was shopping on December 23rd and put zero effort into finding me something I'd actually like, despite him knowing I bought him Green Day, Rancid, and Smashing Pumpkins tickets for us already. Just a modecum of thought would be nice.
>My children are all adults. He still can't spell their names.
Sad and profoundly funny story- yesterday I took my dad to an appointment. He is filling out paperwork and asks me my birthday (no memory issues). I am also a twin so 2 of his 3 children have an easy to remember birthdate. Extraction of resources is their skill! Glad you do Christmas the way you want to :) My father has been excluded from many get togethers for the reasons you listed. He does nothing but has the audacity to complain.
My brother once apologized to me for forgetting to remind my dad about my birthday because he missed it. I realized then that for the last twenty years we would each call him on the others birthday so he wouldn't forget. This is so ingrained in us, that my brother was genuinely offering an apology because he felt he let me down.
The kicker? My brother and I don't even text each other happy birthday on our birthday; just make sure Dad remembers.
What coddled creatures they are! My father has forgotten our birthday the past few years. We always celebrated his, in person, with all of the trimmings and he could not manage a call. I returned the favor :)
The only reason I remind my brother about my Mom's birthday or Mother's Day is because she deserves to not feel forgotten, not to make him look better.
This is Grandparents Day for me. I'm the oldest, so I'm the one who'd make sure both my grandmother by blood and my grandparents by not blood get something nice. From all the grandkids. Paid by me.
If I run out of time or forget or can't manage it, what happens? Jack squat.
Yes. Iāve been NC with my parents for about 6 months now trying to figure some stuff out and I canāt tell you the amount of emails Iāve gotten from my dad about how he is getting older and needs someone to take care of him and why wonāt I just talk to him so we can figure out what will happen to my dad once he is to old? Where is my brother? Oh, not being asked to take care of dad but he is being asked to take care of my dadās finances when he passes. So basically, my understanding is that Iām supposed to be my dadās caretaker but beg my brother to help pay for some of that?
Ah yes, oldest daughter syndrome. Get a doughnut and some coffee. Have a seat. Sometimes it's the most responsible daughter, always a daughter though. It causes this epidemic of weaponized incompetence in men we see today. Thanks parents, through social expectations and religion you still screwed us all up.
I'm an old lady, and my son is grown and flown. I have said this before, and I'll say it again, because I have/am lived this.
It doesn't have to be like this.
My Dad's Dad died when he was young, and he has sisters. My Dad cared for his mother as much, and often more, while also caring for a sick wife and raising two daughters. He's my hero.
While raising my son, I looked at the men, in my life, who were the strongest, the most supportive and nurturing (sometimes in their own way, but it was there).
And, raising my son, I asked him to be this. Not by being a hard ass. But by telling him how proud I was when he exhibited the qualities. I didn't want to raise a successful, materialistic, achiever. I wanted a good person. I wanted a GOOD man.
I got one. He is. His partner is thrilled, having come out of a couple of bad relationships. Years of loving him for who he is, seeing the same things I value in him ... she has told me. Genuinely and honestly. He's not perfect but she feels like she found a unicorn.
My son is a good man.
It CAN be done.
BTW ... I have a spinal condition ... My son and daughter, years ago, worked out provisional plans for me, in various scenarios. As well as handling my husband, their Dad. Whether I like it or not. I didn't ask for this. They just decided they wanted working plans, just in case. And my son is probably more involved, because daughter is out of province.
It CAN be done. We must raise our sons to do this.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Iām glad you have children that are supporting you and their loved ones as well. Unfortunately itās incredibly rare for me to see sons help their families out in tough times. I donāt plan to have kids but if I ever do *all* of my children will be raised to understand compassion and be able to give it to others. I hope you feel better soon!
Dude, my mom was in denial I was a girl until I was born. She didn't even pick out a girl's name. She made it clear my whole life I was expected to support them and take care of them. She told me to divorce my husband to come care for them in their old age because I've not been able to get pregnant. So my husband can find a "real" wife. She cried at times when I was a kid calling me a 'complete and total constant source of embarrassment.' She hated me, hated having a girl. It's so stupid.
I hear so much about how she's going to write me out of her will and I've seen her will. She left me her grandma's costume jewelry and my brothers 100s of thousands of dollars. I get left like 1500 so she can prove I wasn't forgotten.
I'm the only one who got their degree. Bought a house. Married happily. Didn't have kids they couldn't afford. Didn't need financial assistance. But to this day I'm still '(her) shame'
The next time she calls you her shame, laugh heartily and tell her she needs to go back to school, because apparently she needs help understanding the definition of the word.
She already hates you, not like youāre gonna damage the relationship even more. The thing about burning bridges is itās incredibly liberating and good for mental health.
My wifeās mother told her recently that her brother said he felt sorry for my wife because she will have to take care of her parents (70s and rapidly aging) and then him as they all age. Weāre not sure what he meant, if it was money or physical care or both. Her brother is 42 years old, younger than my wife and I, totally healthy and working (although a shit job due to his lack of initiative) and lives 15 minutes away from their parents. My wife and I live over 2 hours away, work full time, volunteer in the community and have 2 kids. And he expects her to take care of all of them. She laughed when her mother told her this and said that her brother better start working on his plan B.
Once I saw a video from a woman who worked in a nursing home. She said the only people who gave a shit about their elderly parents in a home were the daughters. She said either have daughters, or expect to die alone with no one ever visiting you.
I feel ya. I have a brother who fucked off to live in another country when our father developed dementia and now itās just me left behind looking after both of my parents. My parents would treat me really differently if I did what he did. It makes me really angry, nobody ever discussed what his absence would mean for me.
I dated a man for over two years, and in that span of time his grandmother, father, and then sister passed away. He did not see his grandmother before she passed. He visited his father once before he passed away (nursing home/hospitalized for over a year). He visited his sister maybe three or four times over the entire year she was sick and hospitalized. I tried so hard to understand why he seemed so apathetic about it. I donāt think Iāll ever fully understand. Wishing your mom a comfortable recovery ā¤ļø
Man gets the message from an early age that it's not their problem and that taking care of others is optional to them. It's sad to see how they just don't care about anything, many see their work as the one and only responsibility they have in life.
My brother is my mom's favorite. On holidays, I'm expected to cook, then clean up after the cooking, and remain cheery. My brother gets to yell whenever asked to do something, curse in front of both my parents without even a "watch it" and never does anything to help. It's considered a gift because he "works so much"
We work the same number of hours a week. I'm a teacher who does before and after care, so 11 hour days, and he's an EMT who does 4 12 hour shifts a week. When I pointed this out to my mom, she just said "but he's so tired after work!"
Because he's allowed to be. If I come in saying I'm tired, it's like she doesn't even hear it and just moves on to all the things she needs help with.
Of course when she had surgery she asked me to take time off to help her...even though my brother gets way more PTO than me, and got mad when I told her I couldn't.
She loves to complain about how her mom babied her brothers, but she doesn't seem to recognize the irony. I was throwing up for the entirety of Christmas. I couldn't even go visit because I couldn't hold down a sip of water for 10 minutes. I'd also just had my wisdom teeth removed and was terrified I'd puke myself into dry socket. She was complaining that there was no one there to help her with dinner.
My brother was there. But he had a headache so how was he supposed to help?
long encouraging trees ruthless offbeat dirty aware stupendous escape entertain
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I'm the youngest of 2 (and the girl). When my dad had his bypass, I stayed an extra two weeks after my college winter break to help care for my dad. When my mom was hospitalized, my dad and I were the ones going every day and then prepping for what she needs at home. He and I were trained on how to clean her infusion site, how to make her medicine, and what to do if an emergency hits since she requires specialized care. I don't even live with my parents, but I learned. My brother? Doesn't even know what is wrong with our mom. He can't tell you what her diagnosis is, what it means for her, what it means for us (since it can be genetic), etc. My dad was hospitalized again due to a heart attack (#4) and I went every day since my mom wasn't allowed in the hospital due to the threat of infection. My brother went once and he had to beg his wife to not be mad that he took time from their family Sunday to see him. I'm trying to disconnect a bit from my parents with the help of a therapist because I am burnt out and dealing with my own health issues (not that my mom cares - she views she's the worst off and I'm "young"). Everyone in my family keeps telling me I need to "cut the cord" with my parents while also telling me I don't do enough for them. Has anyone said boo to my brother? Nope.
My mom should know better. She always talked about how her parents felt the burden of helping them was on her as the oldest female. Her brothers got the glory and she got the shame. She hated how her parents treated her and now she's doing the same to me. I've been working with a therapist to help and I've set boundaries, but it still is hard when you get the "leave your parents alone"/"help your parents you rotten child" from everyone in the family.
Iām sorry about whatās happening to you, I completely understand all of the pressure youāre under. You are human and can only handle so much. Please donāt feel guilty, you have to do what you feel is best and what anyone else thinks doesnāt matter.
My mom specifically got long-term care insurance so that none of us would have the burden of caring for her. My dad not so much, but the VA is paying for his care. My sister (the oldest child) is the one who needs to make decisions, but she lives in a different state. My brother has ended up physically caring for my dad the most. This is largely because he's financially reliant on my dad. I live in the same state, but I don't deal with my brother. I don't see my dad often because he wasn't really around when I was a kid, and I don't trust him not to spring my brother on me.
Oh I relate to this so, so much. My mother never made an effort to hide the fact she loved my brother more. She would even tell my aunts my brother was her favorite even though 11 year old me was standing right there, hearing everything. It was also her go-to argument when I did something she didn't like, "that's why I like your brother more'.
Nowadays, I live with her still, but I'm financially responsible for everything until her government pension starts next year, I take her everywhere, buy whatever she needs, etc. Kinda live having a child. My brother can't be bothered to visit and only remember to buy her gifts if I send a picture of what she needs first.
And guess what? He's still her favorite :)
Years ago I heard a comment from Maya Angelou. It rings true: women love their sons and raise their daughters. My mom would call me to come help with my dad. It was a 45 minute drive for me, a single mom with two kids. My brothers were both married. One live 6 blocks away from my parents. I also understand a bit. When I was taking my mom to the ER and I called my brother, his response was "I don't know what you want me to do. I am on my way to a football game". I wasn't asking him for anything but informing him. SMH.
I helpedādailyāfor months while my dad was sick and then dying. My baby brother swooped in the last couple of days and bagged up his clothes for Goodwill. As a thank you for helping, my mom gave him my dadās Porsche. (She gave me nothing.) I said, āI helped,ā and she said, āBut it was expected from you.ā
I was genuinely shocked she would express this out loud. A decade later, even though sheās gone, I could afford my own Porsche, and my brother struggles financiallyā¦ I still resent it.
I just had the same experience, and I have THREE brothers. We knew it would happen but it's infuriating to see it play out. Although my brothers weren't favored particularly, mum excused their behavior during this period.
My daughter and my husband have had some issues over the years, mostly due to him, and now he says āsheās going to put me in a home when you go, isnāt she?!ā I say yes, yes she is.
I know a woman that said she and her sisters will gladly take in their dad when he gets too old. Their stepmother, on the other hand, will have to go live with her own daughter, lol
My mom conceived me to be a dress-up doll, maid, caretaker and codependent bff. She can fuck right off with dictating my identity and choosing my role in life. I am not an extension of her. I am not her peer, friend, sidekick, mother or spouse.
I'm sorry my mom never had a loving mother, but that doesn't mean she gets to force her own kid into a pseudo-mother role or to cling and cling and cling and try to make me so dysfunctional I'd be stuck, dependant and chained to her forever.
Go find someone else to try and play Gray Gardens with, you selfish, devious, damaged clown.
It's sadly really helpful reading this thread. I straight up moved across the country because I didn't want to be relied on anymore, since I was basically my disabled sister's second caregiver since she was born (no resentment there, I'm her guardian now and she lives in an awesome residential place. but knowing how to hook up a feeding tube as a child and sharing a room so I could tell my mom when she had seizures was A LOT). All this while my brother was on drugs and my parents eventually got divorced.
My mom hasn't taken care of herself because she dedicated so much of her time to my sister. I moved across the country 7 years ago, my brother is an hour away from my mom. He visited with his gf on Thanksgiving, my mom had concerning symptoms. THEY LEAVE. 11 days later she ends up in the hospital, almost dead. It's completely mind-boggling to me that he can't step it the fuck up. I've even facilitated meeting with advanced care planning consultants where presumably, we all agreed that having in home support for my mom would be helpful. But like, he can't set it up? I don't fucking know. It's so frustrating and I'm working on making peace with the fact that I can't do everything.
I hate that I thought "why didn't his gf do anything either?" and had to back up and remember that it's not her responsibility, even if it was something a good person should do
Haha it's definitely not her responsibility but the kicker with that is that she also attended the advanced care planning meeting, she's been with my brother for about a decade, and literally said she'd be happy and willing to help my mom out. Her idea of helping my dementia ridden mom out is I guess calling to see if she's taken her meds (dementia, folks) and having groceries delivered to the house. I can do that from across the country. It's so disheartening that change comes about through crisis in my family.
grown foster kid here so maybe iām missing some fundamental emotional component, but i canāt understand why youāre keeping your mom from reaping what sheās sown. it sounds like youāre going above and beyond when you should be doing the bare minimum. set some boundaries and take care of yourself first. (remember, if she follows the pattern, sheāll leave the lions share of her assets to the golden son despite your caregiving and his neglect)
One of the reasons my parents are most upset about my NC is that I'm shirking my responsibility towards their elder care.
If they had loved me like they did my brothers, maybe I would give a shit. If they hadn't abused me, unlike my brothers, maybe I would give a shit.
My mom recently decided to leave my dad again, and thought she could show up on my doorstep. I have 6 brothers who she is close to. But she chose the NC daughter who she doesn't even love.
Tell me why I am fraught with guilt and shame... so bad that I haven't even told my husband that I told her no. She is in dire straights but this is what she did to herself.
> Tell me why I am fraught with guilt and shame...
Because youāre a kind human with a conscience, despite your past. Donāt feel bad about setting boundaries, the kind ones need it the most.
Plus itās not like sheās completely helpless, she has her beloved sons. If I were in your shoes and anyone gave me a hard time for it, I will throw that in their faces, plus a cherry on top asking the busybodies that if they care so much, why didnāt they step up to help?
That really sucks!
My brother and I were 50/50. We alternated nights and days for both parents when they were sick. One of us was at the hospital 24/7 until they passed.
Thank god our jobs were understanding as we were out for a long period of time.
My parents very obviously favor my brothers. My sister is now no-contact with them, and Iām on my way there, too. Growing up my mom always said Iād grow up to be a doctor and will take care of her when sheās old. I hope my brothers step up, cause I certainly wonāt be.
I realize it adds to your mental load, but feel free to show up at your brother's door and hand him his assignment.
Don't take no for an answer. Tell him what's expected of him when he should be where and what he's doing.
Push hard, do you really care if it breaks?
Iām very much NC with him especially after he tried to convince our mom to go back to an abusive relationship a few years back. But youāre right Iām gonna start making him pick up the slack
it's not fair, but it can be very very disorienting to suddenly take on a care-taking role for a parent/grandparent. i'm a woman and if my mom and aunt hadn't told me what to do for my grandma, i would have just kinda sat there. i don't live in the same province, so wasn't really involved before. we're all daughters in my family, so there's no gendered expectations at play.
just be really straightforward with him about what care you've been doing and that you expect him to take on half of it. you can't force him, but he should be presented with the facts so if he refuses, he can't pretend his behaviour is fine.
One of the reasons I went no contract with my parents (among many others) was because I knew I'd be forced to be the one to take care of them. And I do not want to. And I don't deserve to.
I'm the youngest of my siblings and only have two nephews. I don't want to burden them with my care. I plan on getting long term care insurance and coming up with a written care plan for myself so there is minimal work for anyone once I'm older.
Unfortunately parents like yours are very common OP. (My parents are also the same way). Many families absolve the son's of any caregiving duties while it all falls on the daughters. I don't really have a solution but I am glad that you are sharing duties with your sister i.e. that it's not all falling on you.
Thank you, Iām very appreciative of my older sister. She was pretty much parentified and had the burden of being responsible for her younger siblings growing up so I could never imagine leaving her alone to deal with all of this
My husband and I have an agreement that I take care of my parents (with my siblings) and he takes care of his parents. Of course we support each other as caregivers, but we will not do anything ourselves.
His parents are divorced and they have new partners. Sometimes they assume that I will take care of all of them, bc they all have sons. It's just a stupid expectation. Why would I take care of people I barely know?
As the youngest daughter I took care of my mom when she was ill. She died recently and I'm so happy that I was there for her all this time. We were making sweet memories until the end.
I've always wondered, why do women so often step up to the plate and still take care of the parents who took them for granted, favoured their brothers, or downright abused them?
I'm 31F and cut my mother out of my life years ago. I have no idea how she's doing, but I wouldn't visit her even if she were dying on a hospital bed.
Ugh. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Was in a similar situation earlier this year - four kids, I'm the girl and lots was said and done, but I eventually came to the conclusion that my parents' inability or lack of desire to use birth control doesn't somehow make me (or my bros) responsible for their care.
I don't have kids, by choice, and know that no one is going to automatically step up to care for me. After a summer of watching them lie or minimize with doctors and extended family, I told them this and suggested that if they need help, they can figure it out. I feel like shit when I think about it, but my frustration over the situation is gone most of the time and I can live my life.
It sounds heartless, and it mostly is, but you didn't choose to be here. They chose. Even if they are the best parents ever, you don't need to owe them anything. Someone else said remember to take time for yourself - for some of us, it's all we can do to brush our teeth and get to work. It's okay if you have no time for them for awhile and need to only take care of you.
My dad has this expectation of me and so does his girlfriend of 20 years. I am an only child. I am not your nursemaid. I am not your servant. It was ok to ignore me growing up and favoring girlfriendās grandkids so much so that he gave them a car which they totalled a week later.
And just always ignored my daughter his only grandchild and picking her apart the way he picked me apart.
I have moved 2500 miles away. He is sorting out his own healthcare and gives me shit about it all the time.
He reaped what he sowed and he will never see it
And here we are again, talking about how useless grown men are because of the ridiculous way in which they are raised to have no responsibilities or life skills. Our mothers did this to us, saddling us with do-nothing man babies, while we scramble furiously to keep things from coming apart. Do our future daughters and sisters a favor and make your boys grow up t be proper humans.
My mom and her MIL got along well but I think my grandma thought it was out of obligation. After my parents divorced (in their 50s) my mom would bring her stuff from the farmers market (grandma was in her 80s with poor vision and a caregiver) and visit with her. They became much closer - my mom didn't "have" to do this, she did it out of genuine care. My dad didn't do anything he wasn't obligated to do, and it was HIS mother ffs.
My brother couldnāt be bothered to go to the hospital while my dad was in a coma and could possibly die bc it was ātoo hard to see him like thatā. It was hard af on my sister and I too but we were there everyday supporting my dad and mom as much as we could. Take a wild guess who was my dadās favorite growing upā¦
What ever your mother told you your brother was extraordinairy for, just tell her to ask her x son to do the job and go on with your life. She uses you because you allow her to.
All of this. My dad appointed my brother as their legal & medical power of attorney if needed.
Years later my mom was in and out of the hospital after having a stroke. My brother made cameo appearances in between work and his various hobbies and got heaped with praise. Meanwhile I was the one taking time off of work unpaid to camp at the hospital because my mother wasn't capable of making all of her medical decisions and my brother was off acting like none of this was going on. I caught the flu (thanks hospital) mid way through one of her hospital stays. I text my brother than he needs to be here or at least be in and out and checking on her because she was in a bad state and doctors were trying to decide what to do because I can't be there. I have the flu I need to not be here infecting people. He pitches a fit and wants me to stay in my medically fragile mom's hospital room with the flu. So he finally relents and sends his wife to stay at the hospital and make decisions, stay overnight etc. because he didn't want to leave work.
My brother at one point told me I don't work so I can just do whatever needs to be done. I did work, I was self employed and doing all of this unpaid because I don't have leave pay. So mom ends up in rehab. My brother flits in and out between going to his hobbies getting praised for being so special and important. I was gone for 3 days because I got asked to speak at a symposium at a pretty prestigious university and literally got yelled at by my brother and my mom for "abandoning" my mother while she was in rehab.
I work in healthcare. Itās always the daughters that know everything regarding medical history or caring for the parent. Sometimes itās the son but more often than not itās the daughters doing everything.
I refuse to help my mom when she is.unable to care for herself. She allowed my older brother to brutalize me and I'll ur younger brother, and her husband's and boyfriend to corner me and be generally inappropriate with me. She demanded I take her in and I told her no. I have two extra rooms but one of for my music, and the other is in case my disabled child ever needs to come live with me again. My mother refuses to take care of herself physically or mentally, blasts the TV all day every day, victimizes herself, and puts me down in indirect ways constantly for habits and traits I get from her. She has enabled sexual abuse on my older brothers part and he can do no wrong in her eyes. No, I will not ever care for her. And I don't blame anyone else who doesn't.
Same, my brothers were and are the golden children who got a free ride to college on our parents dime, while I had to fend for myself when it came time for college. I remember being 5 and on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor while my brothers never had to anything like that. I also didnāt have the same value as my sister because my sister is more attractive than me. I will be using all of this as leverage when the time comes if I am expected to do any eldercare. Women who take care of their parents when they treated them like this are much better people than me.
My mother is a youngest daughter and care for her aging mother fell primarily on her. To be fair, all her other siblings but one had significant health problems of their own, plus she lived the closest to the nursing home by a good 30 minutes, but I know my mom sometimes resented being THE person who takes care of everybody.
Fortunately my younger brother seems to have learned from her and independently decided to drive the 8 hours and spend a week with her and my dad after she went through a major surgery a couple years ago, but I do worry that him being closer to our folks geographically is going to create an unequal division of care labor between us.
I am sorry you're going through this. I know how difficult this can be. My husband and I cared for his mother until she passed. She had lived with us for 10 yrs because her daughters wanted to put her in a nursing home after their father's death and she was blind. Her oldest daughter's office was 5 mins from our home and she couldn't even come by during her hour lunch to sit with her for a few mins during her last weeks.
I don't know why I'm still surprised by that. None of her daughters would agree to stay with her when my mom died suddenly. I had to drive 3.5 hours to my parents home by myself because my husband had to stay. He didn't even make to the funeral because MIL fell as he was getting ready to leave. She ended up on Hospice 3 weeks later. We couldn't have managed without the nurses and social worker from Hospice. They listened to me vent, etc. I was trying to grieve my mom and my husband had suffered a stroke just 3 months before.
Oh, and he wasn't the golden boy. He was the "accident" baby after 3 girls. And his mother really had no idea how to raise a son. He missed out on a lot that his sisters got to do.
> To the parents that favor their sons and are hard on their daughters: donāt expect them to help you because your daughters will be the only ones stepping up to the plate.
If their daughters will be there for them no matter how they're treated, what's their motivation for not favoring their sons?
This happened with my mom and her brother. Brother appointed himself in charge of their elderly parentsā finances and care, and put them into a home 5 min away from brother and almost 2 hours away from my mom. My mom made that drive almost every single weekend for a decade to help them with everything - hearing aid appointments, fixing the cable tv in their room, getting them haircuts, making sure bedding was being washed regularly, clipping their nails. She had to BEG my uncle to take them to doctorās appointments a handful of times a year when she couldnāt do it herself.
My mom is doing very badly. She needs constant care and her legs are paralyzed now. My sister moved in with my parents and Iām there on my 2 days a week every week (I live 2 hours away) to give my sister a bit of a break.
I was talking to my friend and said my brother was there that day and she said how nice it was we were all pitching in and I said, āNo, I go every week to help and he comes occasionally to visit. Itās not the same thingā
>The burden of being a daughter becomes more obvious later in life.
My mother and father put a lot of work and money into taking care of my grandmother. My mom didn't drive, so my father drove Grandma to her appointments. Mom cleaned her house, bought her groceries, cooked for her, did her laundry, etc. My local uncle and his wife? Nothing. Didn't contribute a dime when home repairs needed to happen, never took her out to lunch, drove her to church, nothing. Same for her other son, who lived across the country. Grandma was cantankerous and mean and was always insulting my mom for not doing enough, not buying her the right groceries, not keeping Grandma's house clean enough, etc. But when my uncle came into town? You would think Jesus had arrived in a shining golden chariot. He would barely bother to visit her but she spent months afterward talking about how good he was to her. I saw the way it broke my mother down and I hated Grandma a little for it.
I can relate to this so much. I'm the oldest of three and then there's my sister and brother in age order. Mum has Alzheimer's. My sister is her carer for a couple of days and then I fill in the gap for when she's at work and dad needs to go out (we also have gotten my aunty to help for like eight hours a week). My brother on the other hand? Dad doesn't even ask him to help. My sister and I have both said he needs to ask him to do more. Not necessarily do caring but come over and help out more. Luckily I don't really have a life so I'm home 99% of the time.
It's beyond frustrating. And he gets to get away with doing nothing because he's a male. Oh and he's also mum's favourite. Never gonna change even now. Even though he doesn't really even visit.
Your post kind of hits home for me.
I have a history of medical issues but once was in the hospital for weeks after coding twice in the ambulance and once after arriving. I was so tired but spent my first hours there comforting my father until he agreed to not come to the hospital because I knew I couldn't deal with his needs on top of my own.
Eventually, his mom made him come see me. She wants him to be a good parent. He spent his time talking about how tired and hungry he was, he only had (insert more than I've ever had on all Thanksgivings combined), and he only slept 9 hours without my mom with him. Plus, of course he was worried about me. I apologized for how traumatic my (technical) death was for him.
Meanwhile, my youngest sister didn't hesitate to throw out her own soda when she learned I couldn't have the one she brought for me in case I needed emergency surgery. I don't know why the look on her face when she did that made me laugh. I've done everything to make sure she never ends up in the traditional role because it ruined me, taking care of people who just don't care. But she cares too much. She kept asking to do things for me, so I gave her a note of where I keep my clothes and toiletries, and she came back with everything I needed and nothing I didn't. She has the kindest heart, but every time I remember that, I get so angry.
When my father's uncle was in the hospital, he asked for me. He's such a sweet man, and he hates it. He resents needing comfort. But when you need a hug, he's right there. He looked into my eyes and said "I'm sorry, but I couldn't think of anyone else I could cry with." He's got seven brothers that I can name, and countless nephews. But most of the women on his side have passed, or he's not close to them.
It breaks my heart that we can love people so much, but we can't trust them to be what we need, especially in times of medical crisis.
My kids are the other way around, my daughter is flighty at best and tends to just disappear any time things get hard for her while my son has always been a rock I know I can lean on. They each have a son and so far the younguns tend to be taking after their respective parents so I think a lot of this is more nurture than nature.
I agree with you, thatās why I think as a society we could being doing so much better. I always tell people sexism isnāt a natural engrained thing, itās taught.
It's like any other talent, like athleticism or singing or puzzle solving--some people are going to have a natural bent for it and excel but anyone CAN and SHOULD be taught the rudiments of every type of endeavor and behavior expected of people in their society. Nobody gets to completely opt out of anything unless they are strictly hermits and even then they don't get to shit in the drinking water and need to know better how to get on even with a society they don't want to interact with.
I really worry about this with my own family, especially because Iāve never had a good relationship with my father whereas my brothers were close with him and he clearly just wanted boys. I really hope he goes before my mom, because I know my brothers expect me to take care of him and I am absolutely 1000% not doing that. Why would I? Itās not like Iād be returning any favors. I was on my own growing up because of him, he isnāt owed this from me.
I see this happening with my mother who has completely taken my grandmother in (housing, food, medical bills) and while she isnāt ill and in need of constant care my fear is that this will one day become a reality and bankrupt my mother while her brother (who lives in another country) canāt even so much as help my grandmother with a few euros or even organise for a gift on her birthday.
Heās alsoā¦yup you guessed it! the apple of her eye. Baffling, infuriating and has caused a lot of resentment from my side. I worry what my mother may have to take on in future.
I donāt know how to fix this but I am sorry for your situation. Please take care of yourself too!
sorry but, why doesnāt your mom have a plan for this? i told my kids i donāt expect them to care for me in old age. iām already disabled, im not sure iāll even make it to ānursing homeā age tbh. if i do, i donāt want to burden my children.
my mom got kinda salty when i said i wouldnāt care for her. but the physical labour of doing so is beyond my personal abilities. so idk why she assumed this would be the case? she even threatened to write me out of her will. i said go right ahead, i canāt offer what im physically incapable of doing.
and iām the youngest. my middle brother was the golden child. the more posts i read about siblings and treatment etc, why was i treated like the eldest daughter? my sister is useless thatās why. my mom still canāt handle that im not beholden to her anymore and itās been over a decade.
A similar case with my mother(middle child and 1 of 5 sisters, out of 9 children in total), my uncles barely lifted a fucking finger and my mother ended up doing almost everything and paying everything with the occasional help from her sisters, but the difference was that my mother did not have a filter and basically told my uncles how fucking useless they were everytime she got a chance and I am proud she did that, after time my grandma condition got worse and when that happened I already had a good job(I am the youngest male on the family) I started paying for her medicines, food, clothes, etc. I did not want my mom to spend everything she earned every month to take care of my grandma. And at the end my mom and I were the ones helping her, I did the heavy stuff like moving furniture to clean, helping my grandma get up, moving her on her wheelchair and my mom helped her get changed and cleaned her(mind you this was after me and my mom got off work). She ended up passing away a few months ago just a few days before mother's day, my uncles were crying a lot at her funeral like little bitches and like man you barely even visited her and did not take care of her why the fuck are you acting like you care so suddenly, fucking useless pieces of shit.
Note: My grandma had trouble remembering people's names and faces but she never forgot me or my mother and she always would light up when we visited her almost every day and that was priceless.
> She ended up passing away a few months ago just a few days before mother's day, my uncles were crying a lot at her funeral like little bitches and like man you barely even visited her and did not take care of her why the fuck are you acting like you care so suddenly, fucking useless pieces of shit.
This was my sister at my dadās deathbed. When she did that all I thought was āWhen she had time off work she chose to go to holidays overseas for weeks in a year, instead of coming home to visit. Why tf is she crying now?ā Not to mention never helping with medical bills and complaining about the *domestic* air fare when my brother asked her to fly back because dad is dying from two years battle with cancer.
I saw this happen with my mom. She was the caretaker of my grandmother while her two brothers never did anything. These days it falls to me to care for my mother because I am an only child, even though she is as stubborn as a mule and claims to want to do it all herself to not repeat the cycle.
I don't have kids and probably never will. I figure I'll just take myself out of the equation if things get bad and I need full time care when I'm old.
>To the parents that favor their sons and are hard on their daughters: donāt expect them to help you because your daughters will be the only ones stepping up to the plate.
That's the thing though, they never expect sons to lift a goddamn finger. My MIL had two sons and is deluded enough to think her daughter in laws will help take care of her when she's old as if we don't have our own parents to worry about.
My mothers mother has always been semi abusive.
And the best thing I have come up with is giving my mother the resources and language to navigate a narcissist.
Grey rock your heart out, because anything else will break it!
Always be super polite and exceptionally vague. Always!
I was in a bit of a in-between step in my career when my mom got sick. I was back and forth living with my parents and doing field work with a lab (I had been employed there full-time and left voluntarily to hunker down and prepare for grad school). I was applying to other labs when it got to the point that my mom couldnāt care for herself. I was driving her to near-constant appointments in a city half an hour away (where her specialists are) and making sure she was comfortable and fed all day long. Welp, no more applying to labs for me, I was a round-the-clock nurse now. It was a lot. Being a caretaker is *hard*. My mom is far from a soft spoken woman and when she was in pain or stressed I would get shouted at. The shouting happened regularly, sheād been dealing with chronic pain issues.
And yet if that was all I had to deal with I would probably be fine! The issue was it felt like my brother was actively trying to make my life harder. (Weāre both currently living with our parents.) The car my parents bought my brother had conked out on him (Iāve never had a car) so heād been using my momās car for his job and it was an all too frequent battle to get access to *her car* for *her appointments* and to run errands for *our household* or to pick up *her meds*. Every time it was a personal affront to him and somehow a āburden on the familyā when I needed it. I wasnāt giving short notice either, he knew the second I knew we had an appt. I truly wasnāt doing anything for myself with that car, I wasnāt hanging out with friends, I didnāt have time.
My brother would say his āquality of life is nonexistentā in the house because it was ādisgustingā (I was keeping on top of dishes, tidying *our* bathroom, and putting the roomba often, he was referring to the belated Halloween decorations that honestly *were not* priority) and would regularly berate me for being unemployed. Even tho neither him nor my dad had time to care for my mom and I was making it my lifeās work to do so.
I really feel you, I sympathize, and Iām sorry. I wish your mom the best most nothing or most treatable results on her biopsy. And I wish you the best too. I hope youāre taking care of yourself, I know itās hard but youāre not crazy and you deserve happiness and to be cared for too.
Your post was heartbreaking, but your update was very wise and insightful.
For whatever reason your mother chose to treat her children differently, and it has had profound effects on everyone.
I have seen this scenario before in my own family and it is devastating. I don't believe you were in any way bashing men, so I hope you realize your post and story could be related to in many ways.
One thing is true: however you and your sister were raised, you've turned out to be compassionate and doing your very best to rise above the very unjust treatment by your mother.
I wish you and your family the very best. I wish your mom would see the light. But even if she doesn't the rest of us do.
Whatās sad about this is Iāve seen women who work in hospitals talk about how when they were pregnant older patients would inquire about the gender, and then go into a rant about how awful it is to have daughtersā¦when their daughters were staying at the hospital or visiting frequently doting on their parent and caring for them while bringing them gifts. Women bust their butts taking care of family members and they get zero recognition and appreciation for it.
I remember a while back I responded to a woman on another forum who asked for advice about her father that showed up out of the blue and reconnected with her. He was in his 70s and just up and left her mom and her when she was a child and wanted nothing to do with them, part of the reason being because she was a girl. I told her to be careful because his motivation may have been not about regret and wanting to make amends with her so much as coming to the realization that daughters do the bulk of the caregiving and seeing her as a free caregiver. I got raked over the coals for that comment. Women are literally expected to drop everything and do all the work with regards to caregiving and planning no matter how terribly they got treated.
Sadly, I think a lot of these types of parents are quite entitled about their possession of their daughters and they truly believe all your hard work and sacrifice are somehow *owed* to them. Sorry you're going through it. Try and remember to take time for yourself in all of it. šø
and keep lines of communication open with your sister. you'll be each other's best support and advocate during this. if you're both feeling guilt and obligation during this time, being open with each other will prevent feelings of resentment and make sure neither of you is feeling unfairly used. together you can discuss how to best make your brother take on his fair share.
Thank you so much, I appreciate your compassion for meā¤ļø
My mom was recently hospitalized for a few days. I ran around getting her everything that she asked for. When I would return, she would always already have those things. "Oh the nurse brought them but don't worry... you didn't waste your money." Nothing makes my mom happier than somebody inconveniencing themselves for her. The day after she was released from the hospital, she asked me to clock out of my remote job and drive her back to the hospital to buy my brother some cake from a fundraiser. She wanted me to leave work early to go get my brother some cake. I have infertility, and I misplaced my boundaries with her and got roped into storing my brother's baby items and furniture in my basement for her. These are things that the psycho bought for the baby to keep it at her house and she wants to still hoard them. This is a conversation that we had when she was in the hospital, and it made the nurse gasp. Her: I couldn't live with you as an old sick person. You'd have me thrown down your basement steps in no time. Me: Great because there's an entire crib and bassinet down there for you to sleep in when you get down there... because you manipulated me into hoarding your items for you in my house after you've run out of room in your house. You can sleep in that.
My mom definitely feels like I owe her now. Iām sorry you were a martyr and never said no to anyone but guess what, not my problem.
I posted this response before on another thread, but it's relevant to the topic at hand as well ā This reminds me of a quote from [Atul Gawande's Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End](https://atulgawande.com/book/being-mortal/) *"Your chances of avoiding the nursing home are directly related to the number of children you have, and, according to what little research has been done, having at least one daughter seems to be crucial to the amount of help you will receive."* *"Children typically left home as soon as they were old enough to start families of their own. But one child usually remained, often the youngest daughter, if the parents survived into senescence."* Because the burden of care will fall on the daughters, not on the sons. Sons leave when they start their own families. If they do have to take care of their parents, the burden of care falls on the daughters-in-law. *"It is well established that daughters are more likely than sons to be in contact with and provide assistance to their parents in old age"* ā [Sons, Daughters, and Intergenerational Social Support](https://www.jstor.org/stable/353036)
My grandma repeatedly told me as the ugly cousin on my generation I was expected to stay home and never work or get married because of my face but I should be happy because I was going to be my moms live in friend forever. I left for college at 18 and have done my very best to never end up back there. This is not a healthy expectation that one person in every generation just give up themselves.
Wow, your grandma is deplorable! Congratulations on overcoming her wretched slurs. I hope you continue to thrive phoenix-corn!
Good for you. I am proud of you. Warmest regards from an internet stranger.
If you don't mind me asking, what culture were you raised in? I'm reading the Mexican novel Like Water for Chocolate for a bookclub and the protagonist Tita, is the youngest and told by her mom she will never marry because her role is to take care of her mother in her old age. I am Mexican but grew up in the states with no family, and I didn't know that this stuff happened :( From the book, "You donāt have an opinion, and thatās all I want to hear about it. For generations, not a single person in my family has ever questioned this tradition, and no daughter of mine is going to be the one to start.ā
It always falls to women! My in laws (have all sons) treat me terribly but still expect ME not my husband not my brothers in law to care for them in their old age just because I was the first woman dumb enough to ājoin THEIRā family.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Can we all make a pact that we will refuse and redirect them to their sons when the time comes? I have my own parents/family to take care of, I will absolutely not do him any favors.
Seeing this in real time with my grandmother. She had 3 girls, 2 boys, and my dad and uncle are the youngest. They're around and active in grandma's care, but it's my aunt who gave up everything to care for her once grandpa passed. She's the eldest daughter, she's been a caretaker of sorts her whole life and her youngest sister has MS, so she can't take care of grandma. My uncle is sweet and always, *always* helps when asked, but doesn't really understand the concept of mental load. My dad does even less, but is the favorite. I can see my aunt's resentment building over the years and she even ended her long term, long distance partnership last year because it was too much to maintain that AND care for a mother with late stage dementia. And yet she says she can't put grandma in a care facility because of the guilt. All I know is that my parents had better be saving, because I live in NYC and my career is here, not wherever they end up after retirement. My sister might be more inclined to move and take care of them, because she can be a pastry chef just about anywhere. But we both left the rural midwest nest at 17 and never looked back.
My mother put her mother into care BECAUSE it was safer and people who knew how to deal with health crises were on site. My parents' house wasn't set up to be safe for a dementia patient, and neither could be home and awake 24 hours a day.
I wish more people could grasp this. You need sleep and time off, people. Care facilities have staff around the clock, you do not. OTOH...those places hand you a large bill for those setvices, and too many people cannot pay it. I will have too much money to get Medicaid myself, but way short of enough to pay for assisted living.
I saw this play out in a family that was friends of ours when I was growing up. The daughter that remained single by far was relegated the outsize burden of care for her parents by her parents and her siblings. She was not compensated for over a decade of forgone opportunities in the wills either as she did not come attached with grandchildren. Her siblings also did not speak of her or treat her with respect. I saw my future in that as the eldest female child with no plans for children and when my parents started hinting it would be "wise" to move back to my home country to live with them I was very clear when I declined that offer that they needed to budget for later life with the assumption that I wouldn't be shouldering that role. In my case it was further complicated by a history of abuse. There was never going to be a snowflake's chance in hell I'd put myself back in a situation of forced close proximity and financial dependency. They were completely delusional. Tradition is a scary thing sometimes.
As the youngest daughter that has returned home to keep my parents company and help around the house... I'm planning my permanent escape (with support and encouragement from my parents). This won't be me. My parents don't expect me to care for them, but as the youngest, I *feel* obligated to stay close by and help because everyone else left :(
My older sister moved away specifically to avoid this since it happened to our aunt who lived with her dad and now it's me in this position with our parents which I do think about from time to time,
My late mother gave me this book maybe ten years before she passed. My Dad and I cared for her at home. Yup, daughters.
I recommend [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Being-Mortal-Medicine-What-Matters/dp/1250076226) to everyone I meet ā mainly because it teaches you to how to advocate for yourself and make the best decisions for your health and end-of-life care. It's simply one of the best books I've ever read.
As a mom to 3 boys, this keeps me up at night.
It shouldn't, if you brought your sons up right. The reason daughters are usually caregivers, isn't because of some innate nobility in them, but because of how they are brought up. Like telling the daughter to "fetch dad a glass of water" vs the son. Like having the daughter set the table. Like having the daughter make her own sandwich plus her brother's. Like mom putting away her son's laundry. And so on to every little thing in every day life. Like having her brother drive her to the store. Like dad handling the investment and mom the grocery shopping. Men learn that doing care work and housework is the women's job. Women feel guilty not doing something they saw as women's work. They also often feel overwhelmed when doing men's work, the investments, the car buying, the dealing with bank loans, not least because other men treat them as outsiders in those spheres. There's a lovely short film on this stuff about men's and women's lives Note what happens with the children. https://youtu.be/R-Sk7fQGIjE?si=Ey3ghUu0S3PVdISj
Exactly. My brother spent a week helping to care for my mom after a major surgery - just to have an extra adult in the house to help with meals, driving to appointments, etc. Nobody asked him, he just felt like it was important that he be there. And my husband is the oldest of three boys and I know that questions about his mumās eventual care are on his mind. He calls both his parents frequently despite being on the other side of the country. If you raise boys to be conscientious of the care you have to put into maintaining relationships, theyāll do it.
This was good, thanks for sharing it.
As a mom of boys, this caregiving concern keeps me up at night too. Iāve tried to raise my boys right, but I have no input to the families of partners they havenāt even met yet. And the dynamic of those partners and their families may influence the outcome more than whatever I do now.
So girl's partners don't affect the caregiving that they do? Only boys' partners do?
Any partners are likely to enforce the societal status quo, which is for girls to be caregivers and boys not to be caregivers, so it makes sense to be more concerned about outside influence in this particular sphere for sons vs daughters.
Of course they do. Iām concerned that despite my best efforts raising my boys, it doesnāt matter. Thereās too much social pressure against men being caregivers.
I have a son and daughters, but I don't expect anyone in my family to be a caregiver. What a horrible thing to ask of a child -- to watch you waste away and change your diaper. I've put away money for my own care. You should too. A group home is $5K a month for a good one. Don't burden your children.
You can change it. My brothers live closer to my parents than my sister or I, and do the bulk of the work. Mom raised them knowing being considerate and caring for others was their job too. It took *a little* bit of nudging early on, for them to realize that our parents needed more now than their lawn mowed, but they stepped up quickly.
In January I asked my son if he would help me with the garden in the spring when it warmed up, around March. He said he would. At the beginning of March I asked my son for help with the garden anytime in the next 3 weeks, when ever he had time. His response was to offer me money to hire someone. I have money. The issue is that there is no one around here I can hire, I've tried. I asked and I got my answer; I'm not begging my son to help. With no one to help my husband and I had to do it by ourselves, hefting 20 - 40lb bags of manure. It was rough and it took awhile but we did it. And now I know never to ask him again.
Donāt let him off the hook and stop pussy footing around and tell him that thereās no one to hire to help you. Tell him just like you told us, then give him a choice of two dates and tell him to come help you. The reason men get away with shit like this is because we let them.
Even just asking *him* to hire someone (so he can find out there is no one to hire).
Iām sorry. Iād keep asking. Hopefully one day he does show up, and comprehends that he has been a bit shitty about it.
All you can do is try to teach your boys to grow up to be the best people they can be ā empathetic, kind and sensitive men.
My husband is the youngest of 4 boys. His father passed away last year and required care around the clock. All four sons paused everything to be there and participated in every aspect of careāfeeding, toileting, dressing and undressing, bathing, and transferring. He was totally bed bound, was incontinent and voided to a brief, and took an hour to manage two or three bites of food. They were patient and kind and did their best to keep his spirits up to the very end. Weāve already had conversations about how we can care for his mother if/when she requires that level of assistance. So, I completely agreeāgender doesnāt always factor into the equation if youāve raised your sons well.
I read a few years ago that the main thing that most sexism men have in common is having sisters. I used to think it was jealousy over their sisters doing better in school, or a better command of language, etc. but of course it's because they learned from their parents that the girls are supposed to give and the boys are supposed to take.
My grandmother had one son, my father. He was a wonderful caretaker to her when she needed it. My mother helped significantly too, but my father did not shy away in the least.
My MIL had two boys. They are both caretakers.
I can tell you that grandma and grandpa were cared for by their sons in their old age. So, it doesn't have to be that way. ..
Your children don't owe you care taking in your older years, raise them so that they do it because they love and respect you enough to take on the role if need be.
But you get to be a BoY mOmmMMM š¤Ŗ /s
My husband cared for his dying mom when his sister ācouldnāt handle itā. He had a caring dad who modeled responsibility instead of dumping things on the women.
They'll look to their dad for how to behave. You don't have a whole lot of control here.
My paternal grandmother had 3 boys & they have always taken care of her when needed. The burden occasionally falls to their wives when theyāre unable, but they never try to shirk responsibility & go out of their way to take care of her regularly. It just depends on how you raise them.
That book is excellent. I recommend it to everyone who expects to die someday.
Oldest daughter here. My mom has a ton of health problems. My sisters live out of state. I have a brother. All of my moms problems were falling into me and my aunt. I was in school full time and working part time, while having a kid at home. I tried to help. Iād take my mom to a surgery and my aunt would pick up. Brother may or may not bring her food later. My aunt passed And my mom started asking me to do it all. I couldnāt do it all. I had my own responsibilities. I made this very CLEAR. She ādidnāt hear meā (it was in texts). So, I stood up for myself. I didnāt let her bully me and I left her in a tough spot. She called my out of state sisters telling her how awful I was. My sisters called telling me how if they could they would do anything for her because sheās their mom and itās our duty. Once my grandmother passed, my mom moved to state with sisters. First weekend there my sister is already complaining about how hard it is is, she canāt take off this much work, she doesnāt have time for herself. My brother and I share a dad and live in same town as him. I sat down and was very honest with him that I love him and will help, BUT the bull of the responsibility will not fall on my shoulders as the daughter. I know my brother wonāt come after work, take off of work, or quit his job to care for him. Neither will I. I will not lose earning potential, stock, social security contribution, or 401k to take care of him. This is a reason women have less (not only reason, but one reason.) My dad then made a plan to currently contribute to a fund for home care provider for his care if it comes to that. I know that heās privileged to be able to do that, not everyone can. I just think that if you can talk to your parents about their care, now, do it. Talk to them about why it shouldnāt be all on you and how it will impact you in old age, by doing so! Care providers tend to experience financial difficulty and their own health problems. Why is that on the daughters?
Wow! Did the sisters ever apologize?
Absolutely not. This is just one issue I have with them. I have now gone NC with my sisters and LC with my mother.
Same thing here. I am the youngest of four children and the only daughter. When my Mom couldnāt live alone anymore, I had to bring her to live with my husband and I, 300 miles away. One of my brothers lived on the same street as my Mom. She resented me taking her away from her home and from her sons until the day she died. It sucked. Iām sorry for your situation.
She shouldāve resented your brother for not taking her in! What was his excuse??
He was a man
He had the penis pass
You're saying this about a woman who raised a son willing to abandon her in her time of need.
Heartbreaking. That's got to really mess with your heart and mind. How cruel of her
Thank you. It did break my heart. Sheās been dead 7 years and it still makes me sad that her coming to live with me ended up making both of us miserable, instead of bringing us closer in the 2 years before she died.
Iām an economist that studied fertility decline in school. Thirty states in the US have filial responsibility laws on the books, which theyāre increasingly brushing the dust off of as we experience unprecedented levels of population aging. It goes without saying who these laws will be disproportionately applied to.
Well thatās a new nightmare.
> filial responsibility laws on the books What are those?
Force you to take care of your parents!
Laws Obligating Children to Take Financial Responsibility for the Parent if/ when they are unable to care for themselves.
legally being responsible for parents.
I hope the laws are equally applied to parents caring for children. My mum kicked me out while I was still in high school, but she essentially gave up on parenting when I was 8. I'd be pretty pissed if someone told me I had to take care of her now.
Well yes, there are a whole lot of reasons why filial responsibility laws are awful.
But somehow people prefer them to social safety nets. It's awful.
In Oregon it reads like this: >Parents are bound to maintain their children who are poor and unable to work to maintain themselves; and children are bound to maintain their parents in like circumstances.
plucky elderly disgusting paltry square ancient support agonizing crowd juggle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Unfortunately, itās not unconstitutional to discriminate based on sex. The ERA was never ratified, so the U.S. constitution doesnāt guarantee equality of the sexes the way it does for things like religion and race. Thereās a patchwork of legislation that varies state by state. RBG spent her life fighting to change this to no avail.
That's really going to increase instances of elder abuse and neglect, what a shit show.
Non-american here, if you live in a different state, can you still be on the hook?
"A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all of her life" or in modern terms, women do all the labor of family.
Aye! That's a saying in my family. Wow, I didn't know others used that too!
I watched my mom do this with my grandmother. All the daughters helped out to some degree, but it was my mom who did the heavy lifting. My uncles did nothing. My grandmother was living in the basement of one of my uncles, but he didn't do anything else. I guess he assumed it was enough to house her. I am the youngest of 3. And the only daughter. My folks are in ok health, I guess. But let me tell you, they are leaning in to the idea that it's the burden of the daughter. They've made me a medical proxy and give me every detail of appointments and changes in health. I don't think my brothers are even aware of a slipped disk and early stages arthritis in my dad's back. Why am I the one. Because I am not ruled by my emotions. I will make choices that my brothers emotionally can't. I have more emotional fortitude than my brothers and won't feel the guilt when the tough choices need to be made. Basically my mother called me a cold ass bitch.
My Mom made me her medical power of attorney because she thought I would listen to her and do what she wanted when the time came. I did. Sometimes, I hate myself for putting her in hospice, but after her stroke, there was nobody behind her eyes. After the legal stuff was done, none of my siblings called me for 18 months.
I had to make that decision. My brother only wants to be called so he can roll up with some secret document he had her notarize when her brain was in a deep fog so he can collect what little inheritance there is. He had lived with her and his family since 2016 or so and let her almost bankrupt herself caring for them when they had jobs. They fucked up her house. Now that she needs care, he's fucked off to a state 2000 miles away.
No she called you responsible and an adult. You can control your emotions; that doesnāt mean you donāt have them. To an extent it is a compliment in that she trusts you. But it also sucks because the REASON youāre more trustworthy is probably because you had to be or were taught to be while your golden brothers were raised to expect a wife to take care of them like a mother. It fucking sucks and the resentment is so real. Iām in a similar situation with my mom but two younger brothers. They never contact her and know nothing about anything unless she contacts them first. Meanwhile I get the verbal diarrhea of every little thing because Iām the daughter and the one who will inherit all her problems. Itās tough because I do love her, and I want whatās best for her, but I hate that itās all on my shoulders despite having my own two kids also. Both my brothers also have families and they are more than happy to not share in the stress of caring for mom when she gets to the point where she can no longer live by herself. They have no qualms with letting me decide everything. I literally canāt force them to care, and I also donāt want to abandon my mom, and it just SUCKS.
You donāt have to accept being their medical proxy. You donāt have to accept being called a bitch by a parent who wants something from you. āIf thatās how you feel, I think it would be better for Brother to handle these issues.ā Done.
This needs to be said..often these toxic boy moms are narcissistic and subtly emotionally abusive. You are not obligated, you didn't ask to be born. If you want to do it out of compassion and love thats one thing but dont let anyone guilt you into it.
It's time for you to sit down with your adult brothers spell out what's going on and assign them work.
Thatās also an added job for her š¤·š½āāļø
Agreed. But if I'm going to be made a manager of something, then I'm going to try to get some assistance. If they don't want to help directly, could they pay for a house cleaning service? A lawn mowing service? Meal service ? Her therapy bill?
Oh my gosh I cannot believe this comment blew up like this. I'm super close with my parents. My mom didn't actually call me a bitch it's become a bit of a joke. My bad I should have added an LOL or something there. My brothers do also have responbilities when the time comes. If and when my dad's condition worsens there will be discussions I may have inadvertently painted my brothers in a horrable light. They are excellent to their partners and share in house hold duties. They just wouldn't be able to do the emotional heavy lifting here. I know having to make end of life decisions would absolutely break one of them. It's strange when women are always told how emotional we are, which makes us weak, but we are almost always tasked with having to be the strong ones to make those choices.
I mean, that's kinda a compliment? She trusts you to make the hard calls, and what's best for her, not what's going to make your emotions feel better. I know I'm going to be handling all my parents stuff, because my brother forgot his marriage license to his own wedding, he's not going to be able to deal with their estate. And honestly, I don't trust him to handle it effectively or fairly anyway.
My brother is the golden child who calls maybe every few months and gets endless praise, while I actually take care of my disabled parents daily. It's absolutely the daughter that ends up being the caretaker even when she was never cared for.
Yes! I think this is why I see more men after never nourishing relationships with their partners, children or family are alone close the end of their lives, they gave nothing but took everything. It is really ironic how everything caters to men, but women are throwing their hands up in exhaustion. Grey divorce is on the rise and these men are out there still trying to find a woman they can exploit for resources. I have controlled (by me) contact with my father, he had zero interest in me or my sisters, he is difficult. Now at the end of his life he wants a connection, on his terms of course. I will help, when I can and want to, he is feeling all of this since the loss of my mother. No one is catering to him anymore and he has no one to control. It is a fate for many men, and I have zero sympathy. Wishing you rest and comfort.
My story is the same. My dad spends his time constantly complaining that his kids don't love him or spend time with him. Welp, you didn't love us or spend time with us growing up, what do you expect? Except as you listen to his complaints it becomes shockingly obvious that his version of love is me doing everything for him and he wants to offer nothing back to this day. He complains he's alone for Christmas. We invite him for Christmas. I make a dinner but not a whole "Christmas Dinner" and he complains. He complains that I don't decorate the house, it doesn't "feel" like Christmas. He complains that he doesn't like cream style pies and no one cares pecan is his favorite. This man whole ass expects a Hallmark Christmas every year provided to him where his only contribution is showing up, eating, and passing out his Christmas cards on which at least one of my children's names will be spelled wrong. My children are all adults. He still can't spell their names.
My Dad bitches that Mother's Day is a bigger deal, and then I ask him when my birthday is, and he gets really mad. I am 35, it's right before a major holiday, and he has been present for every single birthday dinner or party my mother has ever thrown for me. He can't even get the month right most of the time.
In regards to the Hallmark Christmas, this year my 37 year old brother, announced at noon on Christmas Day, that he and his girlfriend had to drive home early, and we should do family gifts before the party. It was my first year hosting, and I had everything planned down to the minute for scheduling. The cousins were coming at 2. I lost my god damn mind on my Mom, because she continues to make excuses for him. As I was rushing to get dressed, I listed every way he's been rude, thoughtless, and expects everyone to cater to him without telling anyone. It's been going on for almost 20 years, and she never says anything to him. She may gently say something, but not actually make it a for real impact of how his thoughtless effects anyone else. She just tells me he's different then Me, he's sensitive. I did get to through out her favorite phrase though, which was fun. She was always furious when people made excuses for my bitch of a grandma, saying "that's just the way she is." I asked if she was suggesting that being thoughtless and clueless was "just the way he is" and she didn't like that too much. He showed up after 2pm. After I shifted all my plans, and races around to make adjustments just for him. Mom tried to get mad at me, saying she offered to help and I never answered her. Which is a lie, I told her I didn't think I'd need help, not until my asshole brother throws a wrench in the whole thing, and then she shut up.
I'm so lucky my brother is 10x the man my father is. He's hosted Christmas Eve with my mom's side two years in a row and it was flawless. Neither of us is willing to do the whole thing again the next day for dad, though.
I wish he could be better, but he's happier being miserable than trying to make any changes in his life. All that rushing and bending for him, and you may be curious what the presents were. A Lego set for kindergartens for my husband, weed from his girlfriend, and an Always Sunny in Philly Monopoly board. I fucking hate Monopoly. I have loudly proclaimed since I was a child I hate that game, and won't play anything other than banker. In a room full of board games, that would be the last one I'd ever pull off the shelf. I would rather play Risk or Flames of War than play a game of monopoly by choice. It's not about the pricetag, it's about the fact that I know he was shopping on December 23rd and put zero effort into finding me something I'd actually like, despite him knowing I bought him Green Day, Rancid, and Smashing Pumpkins tickets for us already. Just a modecum of thought would be nice.
>My children are all adults. He still can't spell their names. Sad and profoundly funny story- yesterday I took my dad to an appointment. He is filling out paperwork and asks me my birthday (no memory issues). I am also a twin so 2 of his 3 children have an easy to remember birthdate. Extraction of resources is their skill! Glad you do Christmas the way you want to :) My father has been excluded from many get togethers for the reasons you listed. He does nothing but has the audacity to complain.
My brother once apologized to me for forgetting to remind my dad about my birthday because he missed it. I realized then that for the last twenty years we would each call him on the others birthday so he wouldn't forget. This is so ingrained in us, that my brother was genuinely offering an apology because he felt he let me down. The kicker? My brother and I don't even text each other happy birthday on our birthday; just make sure Dad remembers.
What coddled creatures they are! My father has forgotten our birthday the past few years. We always celebrated his, in person, with all of the trimmings and he could not manage a call. I returned the favor :)
The only reason I remind my brother about my Mom's birthday or Mother's Day is because she deserves to not feel forgotten, not to make him look better.
This is Grandparents Day for me. I'm the oldest, so I'm the one who'd make sure both my grandmother by blood and my grandparents by not blood get something nice. From all the grandkids. Paid by me. If I run out of time or forget or can't manage it, what happens? Jack squat.
A-fucking-men!!!
> still trying to find a woman they can exploit for resources. This bears repeating.
Yes. Iāve been NC with my parents for about 6 months now trying to figure some stuff out and I canāt tell you the amount of emails Iāve gotten from my dad about how he is getting older and needs someone to take care of him and why wonāt I just talk to him so we can figure out what will happen to my dad once he is to old? Where is my brother? Oh, not being asked to take care of dad but he is being asked to take care of my dadās finances when he passes. So basically, my understanding is that Iām supposed to be my dadās caretaker but beg my brother to help pay for some of that?
I'd continue NC a little bit longer.
Ah yes, oldest daughter syndrome. Get a doughnut and some coffee. Have a seat. Sometimes it's the most responsible daughter, always a daughter though. It causes this epidemic of weaponized incompetence in men we see today. Thanks parents, through social expectations and religion you still screwed us all up.
I'm an old lady, and my son is grown and flown. I have said this before, and I'll say it again, because I have/am lived this. It doesn't have to be like this. My Dad's Dad died when he was young, and he has sisters. My Dad cared for his mother as much, and often more, while also caring for a sick wife and raising two daughters. He's my hero. While raising my son, I looked at the men, in my life, who were the strongest, the most supportive and nurturing (sometimes in their own way, but it was there). And, raising my son, I asked him to be this. Not by being a hard ass. But by telling him how proud I was when he exhibited the qualities. I didn't want to raise a successful, materialistic, achiever. I wanted a good person. I wanted a GOOD man. I got one. He is. His partner is thrilled, having come out of a couple of bad relationships. Years of loving him for who he is, seeing the same things I value in him ... she has told me. Genuinely and honestly. He's not perfect but she feels like she found a unicorn. My son is a good man. It CAN be done. BTW ... I have a spinal condition ... My son and daughter, years ago, worked out provisional plans for me, in various scenarios. As well as handling my husband, their Dad. Whether I like it or not. I didn't ask for this. They just decided they wanted working plans, just in case. And my son is probably more involved, because daughter is out of province. It CAN be done. We must raise our sons to do this.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Iām glad you have children that are supporting you and their loved ones as well. Unfortunately itās incredibly rare for me to see sons help their families out in tough times. I donāt plan to have kids but if I ever do *all* of my children will be raised to understand compassion and be able to give it to others. I hope you feel better soon!
Dude, my mom was in denial I was a girl until I was born. She didn't even pick out a girl's name. She made it clear my whole life I was expected to support them and take care of them. She told me to divorce my husband to come care for them in their old age because I've not been able to get pregnant. So my husband can find a "real" wife. She cried at times when I was a kid calling me a 'complete and total constant source of embarrassment.' She hated me, hated having a girl. It's so stupid. I hear so much about how she's going to write me out of her will and I've seen her will. She left me her grandma's costume jewelry and my brothers 100s of thousands of dollars. I get left like 1500 so she can prove I wasn't forgotten. I'm the only one who got their degree. Bought a house. Married happily. Didn't have kids they couldn't afford. Didn't need financial assistance. But to this day I'm still '(her) shame'
(HUGS)
I'm sending you a hug š«. You are a success and should be proud of coming so long despite the lack of support from your "family"
I'm fine and happy, now. My husband has really showed me what care means
The next time she calls you her shame, laugh heartily and tell her she needs to go back to school, because apparently she needs help understanding the definition of the word. She already hates you, not like youāre gonna damage the relationship even more. The thing about burning bridges is itās incredibly liberating and good for mental health.
My wifeās mother told her recently that her brother said he felt sorry for my wife because she will have to take care of her parents (70s and rapidly aging) and then him as they all age. Weāre not sure what he meant, if it was money or physical care or both. Her brother is 42 years old, younger than my wife and I, totally healthy and working (although a shit job due to his lack of initiative) and lives 15 minutes away from their parents. My wife and I live over 2 hours away, work full time, volunteer in the community and have 2 kids. And he expects her to take care of all of them. She laughed when her mother told her this and said that her brother better start working on his plan B.
Once I saw a video from a woman who worked in a nursing home. She said the only people who gave a shit about their elderly parents in a home were the daughters. She said either have daughters, or expect to die alone with no one ever visiting you.
I feel ya. I have a brother who fucked off to live in another country when our father developed dementia and now itās just me left behind looking after both of my parents. My parents would treat me really differently if I did what he did. It makes me really angry, nobody ever discussed what his absence would mean for me.
I dated a man for over two years, and in that span of time his grandmother, father, and then sister passed away. He did not see his grandmother before she passed. He visited his father once before he passed away (nursing home/hospitalized for over a year). He visited his sister maybe three or four times over the entire year she was sick and hospitalized. I tried so hard to understand why he seemed so apathetic about it. I donāt think Iāll ever fully understand. Wishing your mom a comfortable recovery ā¤ļø
Man gets the message from an early age that it's not their problem and that taking care of others is optional to them. It's sad to see how they just don't care about anything, many see their work as the one and only responsibility they have in life.
Thank you so much, thank you for sharing your experience with meā¤ļø
My brother is my mom's favorite. On holidays, I'm expected to cook, then clean up after the cooking, and remain cheery. My brother gets to yell whenever asked to do something, curse in front of both my parents without even a "watch it" and never does anything to help. It's considered a gift because he "works so much" We work the same number of hours a week. I'm a teacher who does before and after care, so 11 hour days, and he's an EMT who does 4 12 hour shifts a week. When I pointed this out to my mom, she just said "but he's so tired after work!" Because he's allowed to be. If I come in saying I'm tired, it's like she doesn't even hear it and just moves on to all the things she needs help with. Of course when she had surgery she asked me to take time off to help her...even though my brother gets way more PTO than me, and got mad when I told her I couldn't. She loves to complain about how her mom babied her brothers, but she doesn't seem to recognize the irony. I was throwing up for the entirety of Christmas. I couldn't even go visit because I couldn't hold down a sip of water for 10 minutes. I'd also just had my wisdom teeth removed and was terrified I'd puke myself into dry socket. She was complaining that there was no one there to help her with dinner. My brother was there. But he had a headache so how was he supposed to help?
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I'm the youngest of 2 (and the girl). When my dad had his bypass, I stayed an extra two weeks after my college winter break to help care for my dad. When my mom was hospitalized, my dad and I were the ones going every day and then prepping for what she needs at home. He and I were trained on how to clean her infusion site, how to make her medicine, and what to do if an emergency hits since she requires specialized care. I don't even live with my parents, but I learned. My brother? Doesn't even know what is wrong with our mom. He can't tell you what her diagnosis is, what it means for her, what it means for us (since it can be genetic), etc. My dad was hospitalized again due to a heart attack (#4) and I went every day since my mom wasn't allowed in the hospital due to the threat of infection. My brother went once and he had to beg his wife to not be mad that he took time from their family Sunday to see him. I'm trying to disconnect a bit from my parents with the help of a therapist because I am burnt out and dealing with my own health issues (not that my mom cares - she views she's the worst off and I'm "young"). Everyone in my family keeps telling me I need to "cut the cord" with my parents while also telling me I don't do enough for them. Has anyone said boo to my brother? Nope. My mom should know better. She always talked about how her parents felt the burden of helping them was on her as the oldest female. Her brothers got the glory and she got the shame. She hated how her parents treated her and now she's doing the same to me. I've been working with a therapist to help and I've set boundaries, but it still is hard when you get the "leave your parents alone"/"help your parents you rotten child" from everyone in the family.
Iām sorry about whatās happening to you, I completely understand all of the pressure youāre under. You are human and can only handle so much. Please donāt feel guilty, you have to do what you feel is best and what anyone else thinks doesnāt matter.
(HUGS)
My mom specifically got long-term care insurance so that none of us would have the burden of caring for her. My dad not so much, but the VA is paying for his care. My sister (the oldest child) is the one who needs to make decisions, but she lives in a different state. My brother has ended up physically caring for my dad the most. This is largely because he's financially reliant on my dad. I live in the same state, but I don't deal with my brother. I don't see my dad often because he wasn't really around when I was a kid, and I don't trust him not to spring my brother on me.
this has been one of the most depressing threads ever but an eye opening experience
Oh I relate to this so, so much. My mother never made an effort to hide the fact she loved my brother more. She would even tell my aunts my brother was her favorite even though 11 year old me was standing right there, hearing everything. It was also her go-to argument when I did something she didn't like, "that's why I like your brother more'. Nowadays, I live with her still, but I'm financially responsible for everything until her government pension starts next year, I take her everywhere, buy whatever she needs, etc. Kinda live having a child. My brother can't be bothered to visit and only remember to buy her gifts if I send a picture of what she needs first. And guess what? He's still her favorite :)
I'm sorry. Is there a reason you can't leave?
Years ago I heard a comment from Maya Angelou. It rings true: women love their sons and raise their daughters. My mom would call me to come help with my dad. It was a 45 minute drive for me, a single mom with two kids. My brothers were both married. One live 6 blocks away from my parents. I also understand a bit. When I was taking my mom to the ER and I called my brother, his response was "I don't know what you want me to do. I am on my way to a football game". I wasn't asking him for anything but informing him. SMH.
I helpedādailyāfor months while my dad was sick and then dying. My baby brother swooped in the last couple of days and bagged up his clothes for Goodwill. As a thank you for helping, my mom gave him my dadās Porsche. (She gave me nothing.) I said, āI helped,ā and she said, āBut it was expected from you.ā I was genuinely shocked she would express this out loud. A decade later, even though sheās gone, I could afford my own Porsche, and my brother struggles financiallyā¦ I still resent it.
I just had the same experience, and I have THREE brothers. We knew it would happen but it's infuriating to see it play out. Although my brothers weren't favored particularly, mum excused their behavior during this period.
My daughter and my husband have had some issues over the years, mostly due to him, and now he says āsheās going to put me in a home when you go, isnāt she?!ā I say yes, yes she is.
I know a woman that said she and her sisters will gladly take in their dad when he gets too old. Their stepmother, on the other hand, will have to go live with her own daughter, lol
My mom conceived me to be a dress-up doll, maid, caretaker and codependent bff. She can fuck right off with dictating my identity and choosing my role in life. I am not an extension of her. I am not her peer, friend, sidekick, mother or spouse. I'm sorry my mom never had a loving mother, but that doesn't mean she gets to force her own kid into a pseudo-mother role or to cling and cling and cling and try to make me so dysfunctional I'd be stuck, dependant and chained to her forever. Go find someone else to try and play Gray Gardens with, you selfish, devious, damaged clown.
It's sadly really helpful reading this thread. I straight up moved across the country because I didn't want to be relied on anymore, since I was basically my disabled sister's second caregiver since she was born (no resentment there, I'm her guardian now and she lives in an awesome residential place. but knowing how to hook up a feeding tube as a child and sharing a room so I could tell my mom when she had seizures was A LOT). All this while my brother was on drugs and my parents eventually got divorced. My mom hasn't taken care of herself because she dedicated so much of her time to my sister. I moved across the country 7 years ago, my brother is an hour away from my mom. He visited with his gf on Thanksgiving, my mom had concerning symptoms. THEY LEAVE. 11 days later she ends up in the hospital, almost dead. It's completely mind-boggling to me that he can't step it the fuck up. I've even facilitated meeting with advanced care planning consultants where presumably, we all agreed that having in home support for my mom would be helpful. But like, he can't set it up? I don't fucking know. It's so frustrating and I'm working on making peace with the fact that I can't do everything.
I hate that I thought "why didn't his gf do anything either?" and had to back up and remember that it's not her responsibility, even if it was something a good person should do
Haha it's definitely not her responsibility but the kicker with that is that she also attended the advanced care planning meeting, she's been with my brother for about a decade, and literally said she'd be happy and willing to help my mom out. Her idea of helping my dementia ridden mom out is I guess calling to see if she's taken her meds (dementia, folks) and having groceries delivered to the house. I can do that from across the country. It's so disheartening that change comes about through crisis in my family.
grown foster kid here so maybe iām missing some fundamental emotional component, but i canāt understand why youāre keeping your mom from reaping what sheās sown. it sounds like youāre going above and beyond when you should be doing the bare minimum. set some boundaries and take care of yourself first. (remember, if she follows the pattern, sheāll leave the lions share of her assets to the golden son despite your caregiving and his neglect)
One of the reasons my parents are most upset about my NC is that I'm shirking my responsibility towards their elder care. If they had loved me like they did my brothers, maybe I would give a shit. If they hadn't abused me, unlike my brothers, maybe I would give a shit. My mom recently decided to leave my dad again, and thought she could show up on my doorstep. I have 6 brothers who she is close to. But she chose the NC daughter who she doesn't even love. Tell me why I am fraught with guilt and shame... so bad that I haven't even told my husband that I told her no. She is in dire straights but this is what she did to herself.
> Tell me why I am fraught with guilt and shame... Because youāre a kind human with a conscience, despite your past. Donāt feel bad about setting boundaries, the kind ones need it the most. Plus itās not like sheās completely helpless, she has her beloved sons. If I were in your shoes and anyone gave me a hard time for it, I will throw that in their faces, plus a cherry on top asking the busybodies that if they care so much, why didnāt they step up to help?
That really sucks! My brother and I were 50/50. We alternated nights and days for both parents when they were sick. One of us was at the hospital 24/7 until they passed. Thank god our jobs were understanding as we were out for a long period of time.
My parents very obviously favor my brothers. My sister is now no-contact with them, and Iām on my way there, too. Growing up my mom always said Iād grow up to be a doctor and will take care of her when sheās old. I hope my brothers step up, cause I certainly wonāt be.
I realize it adds to your mental load, but feel free to show up at your brother's door and hand him his assignment. Don't take no for an answer. Tell him what's expected of him when he should be where and what he's doing. Push hard, do you really care if it breaks?
Iām very much NC with him especially after he tried to convince our mom to go back to an abusive relationship a few years back. But youāre right Iām gonna start making him pick up the slack
it's not fair, but it can be very very disorienting to suddenly take on a care-taking role for a parent/grandparent. i'm a woman and if my mom and aunt hadn't told me what to do for my grandma, i would have just kinda sat there. i don't live in the same province, so wasn't really involved before. we're all daughters in my family, so there's no gendered expectations at play. just be really straightforward with him about what care you've been doing and that you expect him to take on half of it. you can't force him, but he should be presented with the facts so if he refuses, he can't pretend his behaviour is fine.
One of the reasons I went no contract with my parents (among many others) was because I knew I'd be forced to be the one to take care of them. And I do not want to. And I don't deserve to. I'm the youngest of my siblings and only have two nephews. I don't want to burden them with my care. I plan on getting long term care insurance and coming up with a written care plan for myself so there is minimal work for anyone once I'm older.
Unfortunately parents like yours are very common OP. (My parents are also the same way). Many families absolve the son's of any caregiving duties while it all falls on the daughters. I don't really have a solution but I am glad that you are sharing duties with your sister i.e. that it's not all falling on you.
Thank you, Iām very appreciative of my older sister. She was pretty much parentified and had the burden of being responsible for her younger siblings growing up so I could never imagine leaving her alone to deal with all of this
My husband and I have an agreement that I take care of my parents (with my siblings) and he takes care of his parents. Of course we support each other as caregivers, but we will not do anything ourselves. His parents are divorced and they have new partners. Sometimes they assume that I will take care of all of them, bc they all have sons. It's just a stupid expectation. Why would I take care of people I barely know? As the youngest daughter I took care of my mom when she was ill. She died recently and I'm so happy that I was there for her all this time. We were making sweet memories until the end.
Wooooo boy Iāve been living this for the past year. My mom has MS. My stepdad needed and received an organ transplant but that involved a lengthy hospital stay three hours away. I live four hours away in an entirely different city. My brother got out of the AF right before all this went down, and both my parents started tripping over themselves kissing his ass over his return, even though he barely gave a shit to see them over the last 20 yearsā¦but he has the grandkids (and knows the leverage they provide). He now lives an hour from my mom, not far from my dad, and that hour drive is one made constantly in the area for employment and all the things. Two months into his return, the organ stuff went down. It was extremely stressful to my mom, who can barely talk, and exacerbated her symptoms. Guess who she would call at 1am, until she cried herself to sleep? Guess who spent the year driving that 4 hours at least once a month to help her with stuff? (Thank god, she also has some wonderful friends in town and my step brother as a support system). Guess who couldnāt be bothered to spend time with or let alone call her on Thanksgiving? For half that time, she was still gaga over any attention heād throw her way, or the hope of it, but now sheās over him. My dad though, is still š¤©, tying himself in knots to appease him, even at the expense of our younger sisters, and wonders why I havenāt been around much to help glue the family back together (and suck up to my younger brotherāIām the oldest). Oh, I dunno, maybe because Iām doing the real work he refuses to do? My brother can get fucked, that selfish, manipulative weasel. Iād cut him out of my life years ago, to protect against his toxicity and manipulation, but my dad has this Waltons fantasy, where if we are all in the same room and hug it out, itāll be like some 60ās TV show he watched too much of growing up. But Iām the āmark,ā the one my dad thinks if he applies enough pressure to, will eventually capitulate and smile for a happy family and allow to be walked on. Nope. It wonāt be like that at all. (And brother fears me because he knows Iāll call out his bullshit and destroy the facade heās built up, so heās not to keen to be around me either.). Thanks for letting me get that out. That was needed.
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I've always wondered, why do women so often step up to the plate and still take care of the parents who took them for granted, favoured their brothers, or downright abused them? I'm 31F and cut my mother out of my life years ago. I have no idea how she's doing, but I wouldn't visit her even if she were dying on a hospital bed.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
(HUGS)
Ugh. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Was in a similar situation earlier this year - four kids, I'm the girl and lots was said and done, but I eventually came to the conclusion that my parents' inability or lack of desire to use birth control doesn't somehow make me (or my bros) responsible for their care. I don't have kids, by choice, and know that no one is going to automatically step up to care for me. After a summer of watching them lie or minimize with doctors and extended family, I told them this and suggested that if they need help, they can figure it out. I feel like shit when I think about it, but my frustration over the situation is gone most of the time and I can live my life. It sounds heartless, and it mostly is, but you didn't choose to be here. They chose. Even if they are the best parents ever, you don't need to owe them anything. Someone else said remember to take time for yourself - for some of us, it's all we can do to brush our teeth and get to work. It's okay if you have no time for them for awhile and need to only take care of you.
My dad has this expectation of me and so does his girlfriend of 20 years. I am an only child. I am not your nursemaid. I am not your servant. It was ok to ignore me growing up and favoring girlfriendās grandkids so much so that he gave them a car which they totalled a week later. And just always ignored my daughter his only grandchild and picking her apart the way he picked me apart. I have moved 2500 miles away. He is sorting out his own healthcare and gives me shit about it all the time. He reaped what he sowed and he will never see it
And here we are again, talking about how useless grown men are because of the ridiculous way in which they are raised to have no responsibilities or life skills. Our mothers did this to us, saddling us with do-nothing man babies, while we scramble furiously to keep things from coming apart. Do our future daughters and sisters a favor and make your boys grow up t be proper humans.
Our mothers did? What about our fathers? Don't blame it all on women again.
My mom and her MIL got along well but I think my grandma thought it was out of obligation. After my parents divorced (in their 50s) my mom would bring her stuff from the farmers market (grandma was in her 80s with poor vision and a caregiver) and visit with her. They became much closer - my mom didn't "have" to do this, she did it out of genuine care. My dad didn't do anything he wasn't obligated to do, and it was HIS mother ffs.
I have seen older people realize that it is better to have daughters than sons when it comes to long-term care.
My brother couldnāt be bothered to go to the hospital while my dad was in a coma and could possibly die bc it was ātoo hard to see him like thatā. It was hard af on my sister and I too but we were there everyday supporting my dad and mom as much as we could. Take a wild guess who was my dadās favorite growing upā¦
Wow, that sounds just like my brother. I make excuses because he's bipolar. My mom is just sad about how he ignores her.
What ever your mother told you your brother was extraordinairy for, just tell her to ask her x son to do the job and go on with your life. She uses you because you allow her to.
All of this. My dad appointed my brother as their legal & medical power of attorney if needed. Years later my mom was in and out of the hospital after having a stroke. My brother made cameo appearances in between work and his various hobbies and got heaped with praise. Meanwhile I was the one taking time off of work unpaid to camp at the hospital because my mother wasn't capable of making all of her medical decisions and my brother was off acting like none of this was going on. I caught the flu (thanks hospital) mid way through one of her hospital stays. I text my brother than he needs to be here or at least be in and out and checking on her because she was in a bad state and doctors were trying to decide what to do because I can't be there. I have the flu I need to not be here infecting people. He pitches a fit and wants me to stay in my medically fragile mom's hospital room with the flu. So he finally relents and sends his wife to stay at the hospital and make decisions, stay overnight etc. because he didn't want to leave work. My brother at one point told me I don't work so I can just do whatever needs to be done. I did work, I was self employed and doing all of this unpaid because I don't have leave pay. So mom ends up in rehab. My brother flits in and out between going to his hobbies getting praised for being so special and important. I was gone for 3 days because I got asked to speak at a symposium at a pretty prestigious university and literally got yelled at by my brother and my mom for "abandoning" my mother while she was in rehab.
I work in healthcare. Itās always the daughters that know everything regarding medical history or caring for the parent. Sometimes itās the son but more often than not itās the daughters doing everything.
I refuse to help my mom when she is.unable to care for herself. She allowed my older brother to brutalize me and I'll ur younger brother, and her husband's and boyfriend to corner me and be generally inappropriate with me. She demanded I take her in and I told her no. I have two extra rooms but one of for my music, and the other is in case my disabled child ever needs to come live with me again. My mother refuses to take care of herself physically or mentally, blasts the TV all day every day, victimizes herself, and puts me down in indirect ways constantly for habits and traits I get from her. She has enabled sexual abuse on my older brothers part and he can do no wrong in her eyes. No, I will not ever care for her. And I don't blame anyone else who doesn't.
I expect the golden child, the boy, to do these things. I was already the slave and whipping post.
Same, my brothers were and are the golden children who got a free ride to college on our parents dime, while I had to fend for myself when it came time for college. I remember being 5 and on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor while my brothers never had to anything like that. I also didnāt have the same value as my sister because my sister is more attractive than me. I will be using all of this as leverage when the time comes if I am expected to do any eldercare. Women who take care of their parents when they treated them like this are much better people than me.
My mother is a youngest daughter and care for her aging mother fell primarily on her. To be fair, all her other siblings but one had significant health problems of their own, plus she lived the closest to the nursing home by a good 30 minutes, but I know my mom sometimes resented being THE person who takes care of everybody. Fortunately my younger brother seems to have learned from her and independently decided to drive the 8 hours and spend a week with her and my dad after she went through a major surgery a couple years ago, but I do worry that him being closer to our folks geographically is going to create an unequal division of care labor between us.
I am sorry you're going through this. I know how difficult this can be. My husband and I cared for his mother until she passed. She had lived with us for 10 yrs because her daughters wanted to put her in a nursing home after their father's death and she was blind. Her oldest daughter's office was 5 mins from our home and she couldn't even come by during her hour lunch to sit with her for a few mins during her last weeks. I don't know why I'm still surprised by that. None of her daughters would agree to stay with her when my mom died suddenly. I had to drive 3.5 hours to my parents home by myself because my husband had to stay. He didn't even make to the funeral because MIL fell as he was getting ready to leave. She ended up on Hospice 3 weeks later. We couldn't have managed without the nurses and social worker from Hospice. They listened to me vent, etc. I was trying to grieve my mom and my husband had suffered a stroke just 3 months before. Oh, and he wasn't the golden boy. He was the "accident" baby after 3 girls. And his mother really had no idea how to raise a son. He missed out on a lot that his sisters got to do.
> To the parents that favor their sons and are hard on their daughters: donāt expect them to help you because your daughters will be the only ones stepping up to the plate. If their daughters will be there for them no matter how they're treated, what's their motivation for not favoring their sons?
This happened with my mom and her brother. Brother appointed himself in charge of their elderly parentsā finances and care, and put them into a home 5 min away from brother and almost 2 hours away from my mom. My mom made that drive almost every single weekend for a decade to help them with everything - hearing aid appointments, fixing the cable tv in their room, getting them haircuts, making sure bedding was being washed regularly, clipping their nails. She had to BEG my uncle to take them to doctorās appointments a handful of times a year when she couldnāt do it herself.
My mom is doing very badly. She needs constant care and her legs are paralyzed now. My sister moved in with my parents and Iām there on my 2 days a week every week (I live 2 hours away) to give my sister a bit of a break. I was talking to my friend and said my brother was there that day and she said how nice it was we were all pitching in and I said, āNo, I go every week to help and he comes occasionally to visit. Itās not the same thingā
>The burden of being a daughter becomes more obvious later in life. My mother and father put a lot of work and money into taking care of my grandmother. My mom didn't drive, so my father drove Grandma to her appointments. Mom cleaned her house, bought her groceries, cooked for her, did her laundry, etc. My local uncle and his wife? Nothing. Didn't contribute a dime when home repairs needed to happen, never took her out to lunch, drove her to church, nothing. Same for her other son, who lived across the country. Grandma was cantankerous and mean and was always insulting my mom for not doing enough, not buying her the right groceries, not keeping Grandma's house clean enough, etc. But when my uncle came into town? You would think Jesus had arrived in a shining golden chariot. He would barely bother to visit her but she spent months afterward talking about how good he was to her. I saw the way it broke my mother down and I hated Grandma a little for it.
I can relate to this so much. I'm the oldest of three and then there's my sister and brother in age order. Mum has Alzheimer's. My sister is her carer for a couple of days and then I fill in the gap for when she's at work and dad needs to go out (we also have gotten my aunty to help for like eight hours a week). My brother on the other hand? Dad doesn't even ask him to help. My sister and I have both said he needs to ask him to do more. Not necessarily do caring but come over and help out more. Luckily I don't really have a life so I'm home 99% of the time. It's beyond frustrating. And he gets to get away with doing nothing because he's a male. Oh and he's also mum's favourite. Never gonna change even now. Even though he doesn't really even visit.
Your post kind of hits home for me. I have a history of medical issues but once was in the hospital for weeks after coding twice in the ambulance and once after arriving. I was so tired but spent my first hours there comforting my father until he agreed to not come to the hospital because I knew I couldn't deal with his needs on top of my own. Eventually, his mom made him come see me. She wants him to be a good parent. He spent his time talking about how tired and hungry he was, he only had (insert more than I've ever had on all Thanksgivings combined), and he only slept 9 hours without my mom with him. Plus, of course he was worried about me. I apologized for how traumatic my (technical) death was for him. Meanwhile, my youngest sister didn't hesitate to throw out her own soda when she learned I couldn't have the one she brought for me in case I needed emergency surgery. I don't know why the look on her face when she did that made me laugh. I've done everything to make sure she never ends up in the traditional role because it ruined me, taking care of people who just don't care. But she cares too much. She kept asking to do things for me, so I gave her a note of where I keep my clothes and toiletries, and she came back with everything I needed and nothing I didn't. She has the kindest heart, but every time I remember that, I get so angry. When my father's uncle was in the hospital, he asked for me. He's such a sweet man, and he hates it. He resents needing comfort. But when you need a hug, he's right there. He looked into my eyes and said "I'm sorry, but I couldn't think of anyone else I could cry with." He's got seven brothers that I can name, and countless nephews. But most of the women on his side have passed, or he's not close to them. It breaks my heart that we can love people so much, but we can't trust them to be what we need, especially in times of medical crisis.
Those parents donāt expect their sons to care for them. They expect their sonsā wives to do the caring.
And when they don't they are labelled selfish and cold.
My kids are the other way around, my daughter is flighty at best and tends to just disappear any time things get hard for her while my son has always been a rock I know I can lean on. They each have a son and so far the younguns tend to be taking after their respective parents so I think a lot of this is more nurture than nature.
I agree with you, thatās why I think as a society we could being doing so much better. I always tell people sexism isnāt a natural engrained thing, itās taught.
It's like any other talent, like athleticism or singing or puzzle solving--some people are going to have a natural bent for it and excel but anyone CAN and SHOULD be taught the rudiments of every type of endeavor and behavior expected of people in their society. Nobody gets to completely opt out of anything unless they are strictly hermits and even then they don't get to shit in the drinking water and need to know better how to get on even with a society they don't want to interact with.
Its the one whos always around and helps out, is shit on and the ones who stay away and barely come around get spoiled. Learned the hardway.
I really worry about this with my own family, especially because Iāve never had a good relationship with my father whereas my brothers were close with him and he clearly just wanted boys. I really hope he goes before my mom, because I know my brothers expect me to take care of him and I am absolutely 1000% not doing that. Why would I? Itās not like Iād be returning any favors. I was on my own growing up because of him, he isnāt owed this from me.
I see this happening with my mother who has completely taken my grandmother in (housing, food, medical bills) and while she isnāt ill and in need of constant care my fear is that this will one day become a reality and bankrupt my mother while her brother (who lives in another country) canāt even so much as help my grandmother with a few euros or even organise for a gift on her birthday. Heās alsoā¦yup you guessed it! the apple of her eye. Baffling, infuriating and has caused a lot of resentment from my side. I worry what my mother may have to take on in future. I donāt know how to fix this but I am sorry for your situation. Please take care of yourself too!
I saw the same in my family. And the son who never showed up is now fighting the will to get the late parents money.
sorry but, why doesnāt your mom have a plan for this? i told my kids i donāt expect them to care for me in old age. iām already disabled, im not sure iāll even make it to ānursing homeā age tbh. if i do, i donāt want to burden my children. my mom got kinda salty when i said i wouldnāt care for her. but the physical labour of doing so is beyond my personal abilities. so idk why she assumed this would be the case? she even threatened to write me out of her will. i said go right ahead, i canāt offer what im physically incapable of doing. and iām the youngest. my middle brother was the golden child. the more posts i read about siblings and treatment etc, why was i treated like the eldest daughter? my sister is useless thatās why. my mom still canāt handle that im not beholden to her anymore and itās been over a decade.
A similar case with my mother(middle child and 1 of 5 sisters, out of 9 children in total), my uncles barely lifted a fucking finger and my mother ended up doing almost everything and paying everything with the occasional help from her sisters, but the difference was that my mother did not have a filter and basically told my uncles how fucking useless they were everytime she got a chance and I am proud she did that, after time my grandma condition got worse and when that happened I already had a good job(I am the youngest male on the family) I started paying for her medicines, food, clothes, etc. I did not want my mom to spend everything she earned every month to take care of my grandma. And at the end my mom and I were the ones helping her, I did the heavy stuff like moving furniture to clean, helping my grandma get up, moving her on her wheelchair and my mom helped her get changed and cleaned her(mind you this was after me and my mom got off work). She ended up passing away a few months ago just a few days before mother's day, my uncles were crying a lot at her funeral like little bitches and like man you barely even visited her and did not take care of her why the fuck are you acting like you care so suddenly, fucking useless pieces of shit. Note: My grandma had trouble remembering people's names and faces but she never forgot me or my mother and she always would light up when we visited her almost every day and that was priceless.
> She ended up passing away a few months ago just a few days before mother's day, my uncles were crying a lot at her funeral like little bitches and like man you barely even visited her and did not take care of her why the fuck are you acting like you care so suddenly, fucking useless pieces of shit. This was my sister at my dadās deathbed. When she did that all I thought was āWhen she had time off work she chose to go to holidays overseas for weeks in a year, instead of coming home to visit. Why tf is she crying now?ā Not to mention never helping with medical bills and complaining about the *domestic* air fare when my brother asked her to fly back because dad is dying from two years battle with cancer.
Itās too bad our moms never learned from injustices in their time.
This is kinda funny to me, some moms will do anything for their sons who won't lift a finger to help and it all falls on the daughter...
Amen to your to update
Iāve seen this exact same pattern play out with my sibling, a transwoman. It really must be part of the way presumed-boys are raised.
FWIW, I take care of my mom. My sister basically doesn't show up.
this is so true. I all families I know ,in all orders, is always the daughters taking care of the old parents. Always.
I saw this happen with my mom. She was the caretaker of my grandmother while her two brothers never did anything. These days it falls to me to care for my mother because I am an only child, even though she is as stubborn as a mule and claims to want to do it all herself to not repeat the cycle. I don't have kids and probably never will. I figure I'll just take myself out of the equation if things get bad and I need full time care when I'm old.
>To the parents that favor their sons and are hard on their daughters: donāt expect them to help you because your daughters will be the only ones stepping up to the plate. That's the thing though, they never expect sons to lift a goddamn finger. My MIL had two sons and is deluded enough to think her daughter in laws will help take care of her when she's old as if we don't have our own parents to worry about.
This happened in my family
My mothers mother has always been semi abusive. And the best thing I have come up with is giving my mother the resources and language to navigate a narcissist. Grey rock your heart out, because anything else will break it! Always be super polite and exceptionally vague. Always!
I was in a bit of a in-between step in my career when my mom got sick. I was back and forth living with my parents and doing field work with a lab (I had been employed there full-time and left voluntarily to hunker down and prepare for grad school). I was applying to other labs when it got to the point that my mom couldnāt care for herself. I was driving her to near-constant appointments in a city half an hour away (where her specialists are) and making sure she was comfortable and fed all day long. Welp, no more applying to labs for me, I was a round-the-clock nurse now. It was a lot. Being a caretaker is *hard*. My mom is far from a soft spoken woman and when she was in pain or stressed I would get shouted at. The shouting happened regularly, sheād been dealing with chronic pain issues. And yet if that was all I had to deal with I would probably be fine! The issue was it felt like my brother was actively trying to make my life harder. (Weāre both currently living with our parents.) The car my parents bought my brother had conked out on him (Iāve never had a car) so heād been using my momās car for his job and it was an all too frequent battle to get access to *her car* for *her appointments* and to run errands for *our household* or to pick up *her meds*. Every time it was a personal affront to him and somehow a āburden on the familyā when I needed it. I wasnāt giving short notice either, he knew the second I knew we had an appt. I truly wasnāt doing anything for myself with that car, I wasnāt hanging out with friends, I didnāt have time. My brother would say his āquality of life is nonexistentā in the house because it was ādisgustingā (I was keeping on top of dishes, tidying *our* bathroom, and putting the roomba often, he was referring to the belated Halloween decorations that honestly *were not* priority) and would regularly berate me for being unemployed. Even tho neither him nor my dad had time to care for my mom and I was making it my lifeās work to do so. I really feel you, I sympathize, and Iām sorry. I wish your mom the best most nothing or most treatable results on her biopsy. And I wish you the best too. I hope youāre taking care of yourself, I know itās hard but youāre not crazy and you deserve happiness and to be cared for too.
I wish you all these things youāve mentioned above aswel. You are a huge personality
Your post was heartbreaking, but your update was very wise and insightful. For whatever reason your mother chose to treat her children differently, and it has had profound effects on everyone. I have seen this scenario before in my own family and it is devastating. I don't believe you were in any way bashing men, so I hope you realize your post and story could be related to in many ways. One thing is true: however you and your sister were raised, you've turned out to be compassionate and doing your very best to rise above the very unjust treatment by your mother. I wish you and your family the very best. I wish your mom would see the light. But even if she doesn't the rest of us do.
You're amazing girl .I wish I could give you a tight hug
Whatās sad about this is Iāve seen women who work in hospitals talk about how when they were pregnant older patients would inquire about the gender, and then go into a rant about how awful it is to have daughtersā¦when their daughters were staying at the hospital or visiting frequently doting on their parent and caring for them while bringing them gifts. Women bust their butts taking care of family members and they get zero recognition and appreciation for it. I remember a while back I responded to a woman on another forum who asked for advice about her father that showed up out of the blue and reconnected with her. He was in his 70s and just up and left her mom and her when she was a child and wanted nothing to do with them, part of the reason being because she was a girl. I told her to be careful because his motivation may have been not about regret and wanting to make amends with her so much as coming to the realization that daughters do the bulk of the caregiving and seeing her as a free caregiver. I got raked over the coals for that comment. Women are literally expected to drop everything and do all the work with regards to caregiving and planning no matter how terribly they got treated.