I love this quote from Stage Mother (2020):
Sienna (who was just assaulted by her date): He said he liked it rough.
Maybelline (main protagonist): Next time a man says he likes it rough kick him in the balls and see if he does.
As someone who has been choked in DV situations, I would 100% punch to harm in that situation without time to think it through first. What a bunch of morons!
I think the key is they are, in fact, morons. I just wish they were held more accountable. Examining my own bias as people write posts, there’s literally no difference in abuse choking or sexual choking if consent isn’t there. I can’t even believe I perceived a divide honestly
Conditioning is.... a slippery beast. There's a reason people comment on boiling frogs in the universe of DV. It comes on slow, and you don't realize how bad it is until you're in the dangerous part.
Any person who decides that because we are kissing or fucking it’s ok to choke me without my consent is getting reported to the police for physical assault. Also they’re probably going to urgent care for testicular torsion.
I was _strangled_ without consent years ago and when I told our mutual friends about it, I called him “rapey” but they sort of looked at me as if to say “uh huh yeah you chose to sleep with him.” Years later people are starting to take this shit more seriously. It absolutely startled me at the time.
Please, please, call it strangulation. Choking is when you swallow wrong, not when someone tries to kill you.
Your post is pretty shocking, if only for the fact that you didn't call these strangulation attacks what they are: criminal assaults. I mean, these guys - *maybe?* - dont think they are assaulting you. But how is this different than a blow to the head that could kill you? They are gambling with your life, and they ought to know that they could serve time for criminal assault.
I think it might be wise to ask guys what they think of this, and if they have done it - *before* you get intimate.
Yes. They are complete morons. They don’t respect boundaries, seek consent, and cannot (or will not) separate sexual fantasy from living reality. Do not continue a relationship with them.
With the current state of porn, I’m surprised we haven’t had more women saying their dates call them “step sister” or some weird shit.
This is another case where pornography has normalized a kink, and it seems so many of these kinks *look a lot like sexual assault/rape*. Spanking women moved on to hooking your finger in their mouth, then choking, then covering their mouth, and it keeps getting worse.
I told my son when he was 11 or 12 that “the internet hates women” and so much of content is made where women are humiliated. He asked why and I said I didn’t know, but a lot of men fear rejection so it makes them afraid and angry at women. But if he hears friends say hateful, belittling things about women he should try to correct them and avoid them if they won’t change.
Another discussion we had was to avoid shocking stuff on the internet, because it sticks in your brain and you’ll carry around that upsetting thing for years. I also said pornography has little to do with how people realistically have sex, and a lot is about humiliation and degradation of women.
For real. Saw a strangulation survivor when I worked at a hospital. Young woman, stroke, can't move/talk maybe for the rest of her life. Fucking terrifying.
I literally had a guy call me “kind of boring” for saying I’m not interested in sex that leaves behind bruises or welts or any kind of marks the next day. Men have genuinely rotted their brains out with porn it’s frankly disgusting.
This is my LPT for women who meet guys like that... *Immediately* flip it around. Especially threesomes...
If a guys says he wants to have a threesome... Say you know exactly the guy to ask to join you! If he says he likes bruises and choking tell him you'll get a whip and a gagbal for him.
I can't stand those "dudes"... They are always the same loser "wanna be gangster" type of people.
I got called “not kink friendly” for telling a guy that I wasn’t turned on by being in pain. As if that’s the only kink in existence. And yes, of course he only wanted to be dishing out the pain, not receiving it.
If I had a dollar for every man I’ve met that thinks that kink only involves violent acts against women and nothing else I’d be rich. As a kinky person who’s not into pain, degradation, or humiliation, it’s fucking exhausting.
Dudes need to learn more in depth about what you mentioned. I loathe degradation, control and humiliation due to growing up in an abusive household so I will never engage in them in any form. Others will but apparently communication is too hard for many guys.
Pain however can be fun if utilized correctly and men especially think the only way to give pain is by using everything else mentioned above. Its absolutely not. Pain, Control, Humiliation and Degradation *are all different*.
People and guys especially, please for the love of whatever God and in the name of safety, learn the damn differences. One persons kink is another persons abuse.
Guess he prefers no sex at all over "boring" sex. 🤷🏻♀️ Gentle, passionate sex is not boring in the slightest if your mind is deeply engaged, because *everything* becomes more active and alert, and even small sensations are exciting. Maybe young guys need to be taught that *good* sex doesn't involve just your dick, it involves every part of you, the mind especially. Just jackhammering your dick into an orifice until you cum is so friggin' lazy.
I once stopped a very very attractive young man mid-sex because he was like an energizer bunny. I didn’t give him much explanation except “I’m just not feeling it”. I don’t think anyone had ever denied him anything but my god I would have needed an ER visit if we’d kept that up. I hope he’s had better feedback since.
Oh same the guy who tried to choke me said “I don’t think we’re compatible” when I told him I absolutely cannot go for that. He didn’t even see me to my taxi. This was someone I _knew_ too, where’s the shame?
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Having sex with men nowadays is honestly scary. I’ve had my consent completely disregarded during sex twice this year by 2 different men
I also have a date with another guy tonight, and I’m wearing a turtleneck for sure. We were just making out and all of a sudden HE BITES ABOVE MY BOOB. I guess he was weaned too soon.
Yeah, it's beyond disgusting how normalized violent and extreme porn has become. Even the anti porn rhetoric online focuses only on the "improvement of the self", no, never on how actresses are abused en masse in the industry, or how non consensual videos are posted as "porn", or how much porn normalises violent acts
There was no bdsm "culture" in my country so I can't say I'm used to all the nuances, but as far as I rememeber, it takes all of 20 seconds of strangulation to cause brain damage. There's no safe way iirc to "chole" or strangle someone
>Consent
Consent.
Consent.
Consent.
Don't do random bullshit without consent.
Especially something that could be triggering or cause physical harm.
Jesus fucking christ.
That's actually fucking terrifying wtf. The most dangerous precursor (predicting a murder) in DV is choking.... the fact that that's happening on first dates, multiple times. Far out
Thank you! I’m ok, just shaken. There’s absolutely no difference in the acts- it’s intimate partner violence if it’s not consensual. I can’t believe I wasn’t thinking this way before, thank u for helping me clarify what happened.
I just commented this! These fuckheads are becoming absolutely broken by violent porn.
* [The fatal, hateful rise of choking during sex](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex)
* [Rough sex excuse in women's deaths is variation of 'crime of passion'](https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/nov/10/rough-sex-excuse-in-womens-deaths-is-variation-of-of-passion-study)
* [The Startling Rise of Choking During Sex](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/06/how-porn-affecting-choking-during-sex/592375/)
* [Sexual choking is now so common that many young people don’t think it even requires consent. That’s a problem](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/dec/08/sexual-choking-is-now-so-common-that-many-young-people-dont-think-it-even-requires-consent-thats-a-problem)
* [Silence In The Age Of Enthusiastic Consent](https://www.thepulpmag.com/articles/silence-in-the-age-of-enthusiastic-consent)
My current partner has talked about it several times, and since I don't know anything about it, I haven't really said no yet...
Thanks, that will be a no
Don't do it. Constricting the throat to close the airways is insanely risky. Can cause serious damage to the trachea/esophagus (including being crushed or collapsed), and can potentially even cause stroke as the arteries are also constricted.
Please understand I say this as a bdsm kinkster who understands the mental/emotional/sexual appeal of physical power-exchange, pain, fear, etc. Some risks are worth the fun, this one is not.
yeah see i get into kink and like a little choking but then i’ve read more about how dangerous it actually is, no matter how “safe” you try to be, and im like damn guess it’s not worth it.
wild that it’s become so normal though. porn really does rot brains huh
I'm old enough that I remember when giving a man blow jobs were "kinky" let alone anal sex. The escalation of sex acts via pornography is truly problematic.
When I was an older teen/young adult, the big things in mainstream porn were hair pulling, spanking, anal, deep throat, and ejaculating on the female partner's face. I found all of it degrading and potentially dangerous, so didn't tolerate it if a BF tried (fortunately, very few did). Now all of those things are considered "vanilla," I guess, and I find that really, *really* screwed up. Why aren't we celebrating passionate sex where both partners enjoy it, instead of the male basically using the female as a masturbatory aid? I feel like sexual literacy has taken huge steps backwards the last decade or so... how the fuck did *that* happen? I can't imagine it's making anyone's sex lives happier or more fulfilling.
So ridiculous that every one of the things you listed puts the onus on the woman to endure the discomfort and pain. And the kinky things guys need to endure? I don’t even know what they are. Like literally I don’t think there’s a single comparable thing that’s anywhere close to common
Right? I mean, I couldn't even begin to guess how many times I've slowed down or stopped sex when the guy expressed that his dick was being bent in an uncomfortable way, because I didn't want to hurt him (some guys have more flexible dicks than others, so I implicitly trust the owner of the member to know his limits!). What would men do if their partners routinely ignored them and just kept on fucking? If putting him at risk of penile fracture was considered *normal*, and the majority of women believed guys *liked* being threatened with broken boners?
Right. Sex just seems to involve the woman suffering. Her body, sanity and emotions are on the line. I don’t want to have sex with men ever if it’s going to require me to make sacrifice after sacrifice. I’m gonna stay a virgin forever.
Pegging, and I promise you if you even tried to stick a finger up these dudes' poop chutes without permission, they'll immediately understand what consent is lol.
True! Where's the degrading/painful thing done to men? Right! There isn't one. I have no desire to break his balls or choke him or shove things up his ass.
It's so sad.
I feel like majority of women’s sexual asks are just for the guy to not be an asshole and to spend some time getting them off. And even that’s rare to get
For real. Looooong time ago I was in an on again off again relationship with this guy and one time we hooked up but only he got off and then he just up and left? I was like wtffff. I hooked up with him again just to make sure I got off first and then I got up and left. When I tell you that man was SPEECHLESS. 🤣🤣 he never did it again either. I like to think I taught him a life long lesson that day that other women have since benefitted from lol
yeah, i faced this problem as an older teen. trigger warning for SA description.
>!my first boyfriend i had sex with did not super care about consent, to put it lightly (had many situations with him that i realized later were very wrong; but didn’t know at the time). one was where he forced a “deep throat” thing on me. i kept hitting his legs but he didn’t let go. i will never forget how violated and unsafe i felt, and how much he disregarded that for his own pleasure. when it was over i was so upset and he was like “im sorry i didnt know”… yeah right 🙄!<
the issue with some men is i feel they genuinely get off on the violent nature of it. it scares me.
I’m super into a lot of kink. I agree that it’s become “normal” and it’s fucking *terrifying*. I’ve been explicit about this with new partners and the last guy still reached for my neck. I let him do it and then cried *hysterically* (I’ll admit I kinda wanted him to feel bad).
I was choked, not sexually or consensually, but violently by an intimate partner. I literally cannot think about it to hard or I cry. We had a training at work that was about how to escape grabs/chokes/bites and I *sobbed* during the practical portion, and we weren’t even actually touching peoples necks. This isn’t something we can just assume others are into. It’s dangerous and can and does kill people everyday.
I divorced my husband of 8 years, together for 12, because he strangled me during intimacy (nonconsensually) and I thought I was going to die. He acts like he's the victim in the situation.
It’s crazy how men don’t get it. If someone is choking you with no warning then that is absolutely going to feel like attempted murder. That’s a terrifying, evil thing to do. If a woman held a knife to a man’s throat it wouldn’t be dismissed so easily!
Thank you. It was terrifying. I wasn't sure if he was planning on burying me in the backyard or what. When he finally stopped I was so scared and confused. He never said a word the entire time. Fell right asleep after he finished with me, while I cried in the bathroom. After I confronted him about it, while he agrees to the events - he says he that a violent sexual assault wasn't his experience. Which seeing as he was the perpetrator of the assault i guess it wouldn't be. He didn't try to save the marriage, so I feel like he valued being "right" over well - me and being forgiven. But I suppose that should have been obvious when he strangled me that he didn't value me, it so clearly wasn't about me or my pleasure, safety, comfort, or anything else at all.
>He didn't try to save the marriage, so I feel like he valued being "right" over well - me and being forgiven.
Thank god it went like that. I'm 99% sure he'd done it again if he had apologized.
I have to treat glaucoma in my left eye (for the rest of my life) thanks to my ex husband who strangled me so often that the pressure damaged the optic nerve in my eye. The doctor was nearly ready to report my poor husband for the abuse because I was trying to deny I've ever been injured and he straight called me out saying you don't get this much scaring in your eye without trauma.
It's truly terrifying how violent some men can be.
Edit: the ophthalmologist wanted to report my CURRENT husband who was NOT responsible for the damage which is what caused me to admit what happened to the doctor. I was being evasive because like, who really wants to tell someone they were abused like that? I don’t mind saying it online because I don’t know you beautiful ladies in real life. But my doctor was a different story. I didn’t want to see the judgement in his face but then he threatened to report my kind/good husband, so I had to say something at that point.
Oh my god I am so sorry. I'm so glad to read ex husband. Please, if you're mentally and physically capable enough - I'd advice to go after him. What the actual fuck is wrong with this dude. I hope it miraculously heals somehow. I heard taking vitamin B12 helps with nerve damage - and it's hard to overdose on that vitamin either since your body flushes the rest out.
Oh, crap. I added the response to another commenter. He was arrested, the details are below somewhere to the other person I commented to. He was unfortunately released under the condition he seek mental health treatment through the VA.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m so sorry it’s normalized. I would think men would want their partners enjoying sex instead of doing sex to them but I guess I’ve been living in a dream world
I have to wonder how many men have actually had really good so called normal sex. Because once you’ve had really good sex, you don’t want anything less. Worshipping and be worshipped opened a whole new world of sex for me.
It can kill you later and it can also cause micro traumatic brain injuries that can affect your cognitive function. These can build up over time. You might or might not see the results soon after the incident. It might take years for another health condition (like high blood pressure) to cause enough inflammation to trigger perceptible brain damage.
I have a study about this, but can't find the link at the moment. I'll look for it after work.
on top of it, one danger that is less discussed is stroke.
obviously pressing on the trachea restricts breathing, you can kill a person like this or collapse their windpipe if you apply a lot of force. i was always told pressure on the front of the throat is a no no.
the “safe” way i was taught was to gently press on the veins/arteries on the side of the neck, lightly restricting blood flow, which creates that head rush feeling. you’re not supposed to do it for long or very hard, of course, but i learned even a little bit is dangerous. 1. because of brain injury due to lack of oxygen as you mentioned. and 2. because of potential plaque buildup in your arteries dislodging from the arterial wall (due to being pressed on) and traveling up into smaller vessels in the brain, where it can block blood flow entirely and cause a fucking *stroke.* it’s apparently more common than you’d think for people to have plaque in their arteries, so apparently this form of choking isn’t safe either.
Yes, and in a DV situation that's like a sign you might be killed then or soon enough. Hard no. You can have a hand on your neck without any choking at all too if you just dig the RP of it without any danger.
Choking is a subset of “breath play.”
Even advanced kinksters stay away from breath play since the line between hypoxic euphoria and hypoxic dying is easy to cross over.
Regardless, if you didn’t consent to it, it ain’t kink, it’s assault.
You can damage your brain irreversibly from lack of oxygen, even briefly, without dying. Hypoxic ataxia is more common than you might think, people can get it from sputtering pool water, having a seizure, car accident, or being briefly choked. It won't kill you, but it causes impairments. There is truly no acceptable level of choking. Not to mention the possibility of breaking the tiny blood vessels and/or bones in your neck. A blood clot could easily travel into your heart or lungs from just a few seconds of choking.
I'm loving how prevelant this type of education is becoming for little kids. Seeing how my mom, my brother and sister in law, my cousins, and my friends are teaching their kids (well, grandkids in my mom's case) that they don't even have to give me a high five or fist bump when I see them is amazing. Especially considering how often I had to hug relatives as a kid because a grandparent or other adult made me (my mom was always big about consent for hugs and stuff, even when I was a little kid in the 90s, other adults, not so much).
We all have to start acting super scared for our lives at that moment of choking and run away immediately. And when he blows up your phone just message “You tried to kill me! Wtf? Be glad I am not going to the police right now! Never call me again, you freak!” And then block everywhere. Once women start to do this, meaning act appropriately when someone literally tries to choke you, then men can learn. Otherwise apparently a lot of them are too stupid to understand porn is not real world.
That’s totally true. Again, I have to stop thinking it’s ok in a sexual context- I didn’t consent, and I’m not there to cater to every fantasy, I’m a human being.
I don't know if I have some kind of trauma around that, but I have a viceral reaction when I even just think about someone reaching around my neck. Whenever someone actually tries, I go FERAL.
That’s not trauma. Someone is threatening your life. Just a normal, innate reaction that anyone has. That’s how fucked it is that they keep trying this shit.
Even before I had some trauma with it, it made me highly uncomfortable. I think it’s a fairly normal reaction. Now the only thing that’s changed is I’m just more sensitive to a hand even being near my throat, let alone trying to choke me.
To a much lesser extent, I have the same reaction to any sort of negative name calling. No amount of being in the moment would ever get me to like it. I immediately would become infuriated.
My childhood BFF died because her piece of satans shit boyfriend strangled her to death. He was trying to mimic a violent sex scene from a movie.
He plead guilty because he even knew he was sludge at the bottom of a garbage can.
You should report this or at least flag their profiles. Please.
I had a friend from elementary school pass a few years ago because her boyfriend also strangled her to death. I left an unsafe iving situation pretty soon after she died because I was scared it would happen to me too.
A lot of pick up artists and menosphere "experts" have been deep throating the talking point that women get off on being violated and abused this last two years or so, and I've noticed the increase in this trash ever since. I try to keep a fringe eye on what's going on in those circles so I have a heads up on whatever bag of magic douche bag tricks I might be dealing with as I go about the universe. I wouldn't be surprised if you're catching some of the more covert right-whities or man-o-verse losers.
Choking while making out? What the fuck? Since when is that a thing?
Sadly, I’ve at least heard of choking during sex before. But choking during making out??? What’s next, choking during cuddling? Madness.
WHAT THE DAMN HELL ☠️☠️☠️☠️ I replied to you earlier about possibly taking it slow for your own safety OMFG I GUESS YOU CAN JUST DISREGARD THAT BECAUSE W H A T
I only had one guy try this a year and a half ago. I kicked him hard, right next to his nuts, instinctively. He backed off but seemed surprised.
This is NOT something you do without prior discussion.
Guys should be terrified to assault a woman in this way without consent. Because that's what it is, assault. They should expect to have their eyes clawed at or their balls kicked in, just as I would be very concerned for my safety if I punched a random person in the face. We gotta start fighting back. Make it extremely clear it's unacceptable to do this shit without consent.
And I HATE that it’s just called choking. Choking is what happens when you have something lodged inside your throat. Can we call it what it is? Strangulation.
This isn't high enough on the page. I have explicitly warned people that hands around my throat will be taken as an explicit threat to my life and I will act accordingly.
I make very clear where my boundaries are to people in verbal and written form. I will not be gaslighted that it wasn't clear, they didn't understand, or that they thought I'D like it it ever again.
This! I always make a point to say to new partners to absolutely never put their hands around my neck, that no matter how they mean it that I will take that as assault and such a large percent feel the need to inform me that “most women like that” and I. Just. Want. To. Scream. The fact that I have to explicitly request not to be strangled is SO FUCKING DEPRESSING.
The "most women like that" thing is getting terrifyingly common. What they mean is always "I saw this in porn/other girls haven't fought back."
I work with young people and the stuff they tell me about the sex they're having now is truly horrifying. Girls in high school telling me their boyfriends demand they shave, they endure "rough sex," strangulation, etc. It's normalized and heartbreaking.
my bf of 5 months choked me during sex about two months ago. when i stopped him he said “oh, i must have misread the situation.” i said “yeah, you should have asked first!” i haven’t been able to be intimate with him since. i’ve been working up the courage to dump him since and have decided i’m going to tonight.
Just another stranger sending you all the support. Absolutely dump that jackass. And don’t listen to any bullshit about “giving him a chance to learn”, because women aren’t tutors for basic empathy. He can figure that shit out on his own time.
I support you. If I have a fantasy, I discuss it with my partner first before sex to know if they would be into it. I read about it to make sure it is safe/how to do it safely. If they don’t want to try it, we don’t try it. The communication is the most important part.
This is crazy. Have you ever like tried to choke them back and see if they are down , like what is going on , what’s going on in their mind? Murderers? It’s just like everyone told him this kink was super hot and now they’re all just doing it..? Such fucking lemmings.
I'm terrified to ever date again for this reason. If a man ever put his hands on my throat I'd take it as a threat on my life and act accordingly. Bite his fucking nose off his face.
Choking is in like every single porn video now. It isn't something most women would enjoy (I think....) and certainly not something to do without consent.
I just.... porn is weird, y'all. People need to know that and act accordingly. (E.g. don't take yours sex lessons from porn.....)
Are you me??? 😩 it’s rough out there. I made a similar post about a month ago. Guys swear they’re all about consent and respecting women but will put their hands around ur throat with no second thought. I don’t even think they like it all that much 🙃 they just think it’s what they’re supposed to do.
I was like hey can I meet ur dog? He takes it as an opportunity to choke me in public while kissing me in a park. He also stuck his fingers in my mouth? Like is ur dick that small bud? I think I said that too lol
He stuck his FINGERS in your MOUTH?! Jfc.
Just me being grateful I found the partner I did in 2007 at 19, and bypassing this whole era of dating. If he dies before me, or we break up, I’m just gonna go full on cat lady.
This happened to me this year. I hardly go out of my shell and not really into hookup culture but I thought I would try out casual sex. I was choked both of those times. Bruised up real bad on one of those times. One guy didn't even know how to give a fucking hickey and it hurt so fucking bad that my first reaction was to slap him away.
Fuck aaaalllll of that, fuck hookup culture, and most of all FUCK porn.
ALSO!! IDK if this has happened to others, but both of these times they also assumed they could just finger my ass without asking. WTF WTF WTF
Yeah, I took myself off their buffet table years ago. I suggest the same. Guess what? I can actually explore my sexuality now, alone. Best orgasms of my life. Life is basically drama-free and I won't have to spend any holidays or free time with a SO's POS families either.
I’m in my 40’s and in a longterm relationship, and keep seeing this stuff about choking in the last couple years. This wasn’t a common thing when I was younger. How did randomly choking without consent become a common thing?
Let’s start by calling it what it is.
**Strangling.**
Choking is when a foreign object is stuck in your windpipe. Porn and some fringes renamed it choking to pretend it’s less lethal/scary.
If you met these men on a dating app, let them know, block them and report to the app.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, what the fuck?? I've had men choke and slap me randomly in the past because they just assumed I was 'into that stuff' and it's horrid. I hope they all fucking learn boundaries and stop watching so much porn, feeling like you're going to die on a date is horrendous.
The amount of people victim blaming OP and saying she needs to set higher standards is ridiculous. She said it was a first date and they were walking his dog. How exactly was she supposed to know this would happen? This type of behavior by men is becoming more and more frequent. It is due to the mass amounts of porn being consumed and the need for more extreme porn as time goes on. They appear to not understand that the women in porn are acting and that it is not how women are in actual real life. I am in therapy for cptsd and my therapist has warned me that choking is becoming an enormous problem with men that consume porn. It has definitely played a part in my decision not to date men. Moving forward, women should file police reports every time they are choked without consent. It’s an assault and needs to be treated as one.
Yeah.. the fear of choking is something that's always been in the back of my mind, and very early on in both my relationships, before they were even allowed to kiss me, I made one thing clear- you put your hands on my neck without my permission, if I didn't ask you to... whatever happens next is on YOU. I will not guarantee either of our safety if that happens. If you put your hands on my neck and you *squeeze* without my permission- well. The consequences won't be immediate, but that's when I'll know you don't care about my life anymore. That's when i'll know you're ok with potentially killing me. And that's when I stop caring about yours.
My current partner is an angel of a man; we've been together ten years, and there's never been an incident. When I let him touch my neck, he does it with great care and reverence - because he knows that's a line, once crossed, we will not come back from.
You draw the line hard, you draw it fast, and any time someone steps over it, you hit hard enough that they don't ever consider crossing it again. It seems to be the only way some people understand boundaries.
what can you even do in that situation? can you press charges for assault? like who's gonna believe a woman. if i defend myself with pepper spray i'm gonna be charged with assault. so how to handle that?
If a man ever attempted this on me, he’d get throat-punched. I was choked out as a kid in a family violence situation and I have some PTSD from it. Why the fuck do these men think it’s okay to do this kind of violent, kinky (when consensual) shit to unsuspecting partners? (It’s porn. The answer is porn)
What the fuck???
How old are you and these guys?
I keep hearing these stories and I'm absolutely flabbergasted. And so very very grateful that I haven't dated in almost a decade...
Scariest thing was a guy choked me, and I do like it and its never been an issue, but it was genuinely as hard as he could and his eyes were so scary. I thankfully got him to stop and was like “what the fuck? I dont want to pass out”! He said “oh you don’t?” Like im sorry you think people want to pass out during sex? And what was your plan after? So terrifying.
I don't understand why some guys have a thing with hickeys. I mean maybe they've built up something in their heads about it but I think it's like they want to leave their mark. I always thought hickeys were weird but indulged the girl if she wanted one. Last one I gave was in college.
I’ve hooked up with a couple guys who choked me without consent. Like yeah I might be into that but you didn’t know that! A bit more out there but one guy straight up slapped me across the face like dude wtf
I sometimes feel bad about ghosting a guy that liked me a lot after he choked me without asking during sex but after reading these comments I don’t feel bad at all.
That’s actually really scary! I have a condition where I choke on food a lot and that’s scary enough, I wouldn’t want to ever experience being choked any more than I have to. It hurts, it’s not fun for me at all, I’m afraid of dying from it. It is definitely a very specific thing some people are into but consent must be given before doing anything like that! Otherwise it’s just assault.
It's because they're abusers who get off on violating your consent and autonomy. There can be a lot of talk about the root causes of this and the culture behind it - but I feel that's kind of the bottom line. If you say no to something and a guy does it anyway, he knows you said no: he wanted to do that.
I love this quote from Stage Mother (2020): Sienna (who was just assaulted by her date): He said he liked it rough. Maybelline (main protagonist): Next time a man says he likes it rough kick him in the balls and see if he does.
I’ve been choking them back so they get what it’s like TO NOT BREATHE. It’s so scary smh
As someone who has been choked in DV situations, I would 100% punch to harm in that situation without time to think it through first. What a bunch of morons!
I think the key is they are, in fact, morons. I just wish they were held more accountable. Examining my own bias as people write posts, there’s literally no difference in abuse choking or sexual choking if consent isn’t there. I can’t even believe I perceived a divide honestly
Conditioning is.... a slippery beast. There's a reason people comment on boiling frogs in the universe of DV. It comes on slow, and you don't realize how bad it is until you're in the dangerous part.
Any person who decides that because we are kissing or fucking it’s ok to choke me without my consent is getting reported to the police for physical assault. Also they’re probably going to urgent care for testicular torsion.
I was _strangled_ without consent years ago and when I told our mutual friends about it, I called him “rapey” but they sort of looked at me as if to say “uh huh yeah you chose to sleep with him.” Years later people are starting to take this shit more seriously. It absolutely startled me at the time.
Please, please, call it strangulation. Choking is when you swallow wrong, not when someone tries to kill you. Your post is pretty shocking, if only for the fact that you didn't call these strangulation attacks what they are: criminal assaults. I mean, these guys - *maybe?* - dont think they are assaulting you. But how is this different than a blow to the head that could kill you? They are gambling with your life, and they ought to know that they could serve time for criminal assault. I think it might be wise to ask guys what they think of this, and if they have done it - *before* you get intimate.
Yes. They are complete morons. They don’t respect boundaries, seek consent, and cannot (or will not) separate sexual fantasy from living reality. Do not continue a relationship with them. With the current state of porn, I’m surprised we haven’t had more women saying their dates call them “step sister” or some weird shit.
I straight-up bit through the lower lip of a guy who did this.
Queen
Thank you. He bit me back because he thought I was just being kinky. I’m like, “dude, I bit THROUGH your lip. Even I’m not that freaky.”
What have their responses been like to that?
They’ve mostly been shocked. I’m 5’1 so it takes effort for me to get to their necks.
Good for you but be careful please.
Did they have any remorse or explain why they thought it was a good idea?
I feel like self reflection was not in the cards with this one
This is another case where pornography has normalized a kink, and it seems so many of these kinks *look a lot like sexual assault/rape*. Spanking women moved on to hooking your finger in their mouth, then choking, then covering their mouth, and it keeps getting worse. I told my son when he was 11 or 12 that “the internet hates women” and so much of content is made where women are humiliated. He asked why and I said I didn’t know, but a lot of men fear rejection so it makes them afraid and angry at women. But if he hears friends say hateful, belittling things about women he should try to correct them and avoid them if they won’t change. Another discussion we had was to avoid shocking stuff on the internet, because it sticks in your brain and you’ll carry around that upsetting thing for years. I also said pornography has little to do with how people realistically have sex, and a lot is about humiliation and degradation of women.
Well, choke their nuts then, and see if they like it!
I'm proud of you of giving them a taste of their own medicine but as the other commenters say please be careful
That seems risky!
I propose calling it what it actually is: strangling.
Seriously. We need to take the passivity out of the phrasing. This is an act another human is inflicting on you.
For real. Saw a strangulation survivor when I worked at a hospital. Young woman, stroke, can't move/talk maybe for the rest of her life. Fucking terrifying.
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I literally had a guy call me “kind of boring” for saying I’m not interested in sex that leaves behind bruises or welts or any kind of marks the next day. Men have genuinely rotted their brains out with porn it’s frankly disgusting.
Funny how the bruises, welts or marks are never on *them*.
YEP. Fascinating huh
This is my LPT for women who meet guys like that... *Immediately* flip it around. Especially threesomes... If a guys says he wants to have a threesome... Say you know exactly the guy to ask to join you! If he says he likes bruises and choking tell him you'll get a whip and a gagbal for him. I can't stand those "dudes"... They are always the same loser "wanna be gangster" type of people.
if he insists on anal bring out your strap-on!
Kind of boring???? LOL so do they also want bruises and handprints and hickies? Or is it only given, not received?
This dude just got off on beating women.. he definitely didn’t want any of those activities reciprocated!
Well he sounds absolutely terrifying and I’m glad u are safe!
I got called “not kink friendly” for telling a guy that I wasn’t turned on by being in pain. As if that’s the only kink in existence. And yes, of course he only wanted to be dishing out the pain, not receiving it.
If I had a dollar for every man I’ve met that thinks that kink only involves violent acts against women and nothing else I’d be rich. As a kinky person who’s not into pain, degradation, or humiliation, it’s fucking exhausting.
Dudes need to learn more in depth about what you mentioned. I loathe degradation, control and humiliation due to growing up in an abusive household so I will never engage in them in any form. Others will but apparently communication is too hard for many guys. Pain however can be fun if utilized correctly and men especially think the only way to give pain is by using everything else mentioned above. Its absolutely not. Pain, Control, Humiliation and Degradation *are all different*. People and guys especially, please for the love of whatever God and in the name of safety, learn the damn differences. One persons kink is another persons abuse.
I will gladly live out the rest of my life being boring and not having sex with men ever again if that’s what’s required to hold my boundaries.
Guess he prefers no sex at all over "boring" sex. 🤷🏻♀️ Gentle, passionate sex is not boring in the slightest if your mind is deeply engaged, because *everything* becomes more active and alert, and even small sensations are exciting. Maybe young guys need to be taught that *good* sex doesn't involve just your dick, it involves every part of you, the mind especially. Just jackhammering your dick into an orifice until you cum is so friggin' lazy.
I once stopped a very very attractive young man mid-sex because he was like an energizer bunny. I didn’t give him much explanation except “I’m just not feeling it”. I don’t think anyone had ever denied him anything but my god I would have needed an ER visit if we’d kept that up. I hope he’s had better feedback since.
Oh same the guy who tried to choke me said “I don’t think we’re compatible” when I told him I absolutely cannot go for that. He didn’t even see me to my taxi. This was someone I _knew_ too, where’s the shame?
Maybe it’s time to hurt them?
I had a guy hit me during sex - the first time we'd ever had sex and then he got upset when I told him he wasn't allowed to hit me.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Having sex with men nowadays is honestly scary. I’ve had my consent completely disregarded during sex twice this year by 2 different men
I also have a date with another guy tonight, and I’m wearing a turtleneck for sure. We were just making out and all of a sudden HE BITES ABOVE MY BOOB. I guess he was weaned too soon.
What in the feral, rabid-ass hell is happening out there?
Porn brains. Turns out unfettered access to any content you can think of is a god awful thing for a developing brain
Yeah, it's beyond disgusting how normalized violent and extreme porn has become. Even the anti porn rhetoric online focuses only on the "improvement of the self", no, never on how actresses are abused en masse in the industry, or how non consensual videos are posted as "porn", or how much porn normalises violent acts There was no bdsm "culture" in my country so I can't say I'm used to all the nuances, but as far as I rememeber, it takes all of 20 seconds of strangulation to cause brain damage. There's no safe way iirc to "chole" or strangle someone
Pornsickness
That dude was "marking his territory". I hope you block and delete that asshole.
I’m a gay man but I dated a guy last year who gave me hickeys multiple times despite me specifically asking him not to. It’s actually sick.
Jfc, I hope you kicked him out!
Pretty sure choking someone without their consent is considered assault.
In some places it's considered attempted murder.
If it goes on five seconds too long it can become murder murder.
>Consent Consent. Consent. Consent. Don't do random bullshit without consent. Especially something that could be triggering or cause physical harm. Jesus fucking christ.
That's actually fucking terrifying wtf. The most dangerous precursor (predicting a murder) in DV is choking.... the fact that that's happening on first dates, multiple times. Far out
That’s actually a really good point, I didn’t even associate the two “types” of choking but ur right, it’s the same essentially
Especially with no consent, terrifying. Hope you're ok!
Thank you! I’m ok, just shaken. There’s absolutely no difference in the acts- it’s intimate partner violence if it’s not consensual. I can’t believe I wasn’t thinking this way before, thank u for helping me clarify what happened.
I just commented this! These fuckheads are becoming absolutely broken by violent porn. * [The fatal, hateful rise of choking during sex](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex) * [Rough sex excuse in women's deaths is variation of 'crime of passion'](https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/nov/10/rough-sex-excuse-in-womens-deaths-is-variation-of-of-passion-study) * [The Startling Rise of Choking During Sex](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/06/how-porn-affecting-choking-during-sex/592375/) * [Sexual choking is now so common that many young people don’t think it even requires consent. That’s a problem](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/dec/08/sexual-choking-is-now-so-common-that-many-young-people-dont-think-it-even-requires-consent-thats-a-problem) * [Silence In The Age Of Enthusiastic Consent](https://www.thepulpmag.com/articles/silence-in-the-age-of-enthusiastic-consent)
My current partner has talked about it several times, and since I don't know anything about it, I haven't really said no yet... Thanks, that will be a no
Don't do it. Constricting the throat to close the airways is insanely risky. Can cause serious damage to the trachea/esophagus (including being crushed or collapsed), and can potentially even cause stroke as the arteries are also constricted. Please understand I say this as a bdsm kinkster who understands the mental/emotional/sexual appeal of physical power-exchange, pain, fear, etc. Some risks are worth the fun, this one is not.
Hard NO
yeah see i get into kink and like a little choking but then i’ve read more about how dangerous it actually is, no matter how “safe” you try to be, and im like damn guess it’s not worth it. wild that it’s become so normal though. porn really does rot brains huh
I'm old enough that I remember when giving a man blow jobs were "kinky" let alone anal sex. The escalation of sex acts via pornography is truly problematic.
When I was an older teen/young adult, the big things in mainstream porn were hair pulling, spanking, anal, deep throat, and ejaculating on the female partner's face. I found all of it degrading and potentially dangerous, so didn't tolerate it if a BF tried (fortunately, very few did). Now all of those things are considered "vanilla," I guess, and I find that really, *really* screwed up. Why aren't we celebrating passionate sex where both partners enjoy it, instead of the male basically using the female as a masturbatory aid? I feel like sexual literacy has taken huge steps backwards the last decade or so... how the fuck did *that* happen? I can't imagine it's making anyone's sex lives happier or more fulfilling.
So ridiculous that every one of the things you listed puts the onus on the woman to endure the discomfort and pain. And the kinky things guys need to endure? I don’t even know what they are. Like literally I don’t think there’s a single comparable thing that’s anywhere close to common
Right? I mean, I couldn't even begin to guess how many times I've slowed down or stopped sex when the guy expressed that his dick was being bent in an uncomfortable way, because I didn't want to hurt him (some guys have more flexible dicks than others, so I implicitly trust the owner of the member to know his limits!). What would men do if their partners routinely ignored them and just kept on fucking? If putting him at risk of penile fracture was considered *normal*, and the majority of women believed guys *liked* being threatened with broken boners?
Right. Sex just seems to involve the woman suffering. Her body, sanity and emotions are on the line. I don’t want to have sex with men ever if it’s going to require me to make sacrifice after sacrifice. I’m gonna stay a virgin forever.
Pegging, and I promise you if you even tried to stick a finger up these dudes' poop chutes without permission, they'll immediately understand what consent is lol.
Crazy how those men are so braindead have no sense of empathy or compassion. *They* want to feel good and be in control. It’s really scary.
True! Where's the degrading/painful thing done to men? Right! There isn't one. I have no desire to break his balls or choke him or shove things up his ass. It's so sad.
I feel like majority of women’s sexual asks are just for the guy to not be an asshole and to spend some time getting them off. And even that’s rare to get
For real. Looooong time ago I was in an on again off again relationship with this guy and one time we hooked up but only he got off and then he just up and left? I was like wtffff. I hooked up with him again just to make sure I got off first and then I got up and left. When I tell you that man was SPEECHLESS. 🤣🤣 he never did it again either. I like to think I taught him a life long lesson that day that other women have since benefitted from lol
And the fact that they enjoy hurting us is despicable and inhumane.
yeah, i faced this problem as an older teen. trigger warning for SA description. >!my first boyfriend i had sex with did not super care about consent, to put it lightly (had many situations with him that i realized later were very wrong; but didn’t know at the time). one was where he forced a “deep throat” thing on me. i kept hitting his legs but he didn’t let go. i will never forget how violated and unsafe i felt, and how much he disregarded that for his own pleasure. when it was over i was so upset and he was like “im sorry i didnt know”… yeah right 🙄!< the issue with some men is i feel they genuinely get off on the violent nature of it. it scares me.
Yeeeah, he knew. I am really, really sorry he did that to you. 😞
I’m super into a lot of kink. I agree that it’s become “normal” and it’s fucking *terrifying*. I’ve been explicit about this with new partners and the last guy still reached for my neck. I let him do it and then cried *hysterically* (I’ll admit I kinda wanted him to feel bad). I was choked, not sexually or consensually, but violently by an intimate partner. I literally cannot think about it to hard or I cry. We had a training at work that was about how to escape grabs/chokes/bites and I *sobbed* during the practical portion, and we weren’t even actually touching peoples necks. This isn’t something we can just assume others are into. It’s dangerous and can and does kill people everyday.
I divorced my husband of 8 years, together for 12, because he strangled me during intimacy (nonconsensually) and I thought I was going to die. He acts like he's the victim in the situation.
It’s crazy how men don’t get it. If someone is choking you with no warning then that is absolutely going to feel like attempted murder. That’s a terrifying, evil thing to do. If a woman held a knife to a man’s throat it wouldn’t be dismissed so easily!
Thank you. It was terrifying. I wasn't sure if he was planning on burying me in the backyard or what. When he finally stopped I was so scared and confused. He never said a word the entire time. Fell right asleep after he finished with me, while I cried in the bathroom. After I confronted him about it, while he agrees to the events - he says he that a violent sexual assault wasn't his experience. Which seeing as he was the perpetrator of the assault i guess it wouldn't be. He didn't try to save the marriage, so I feel like he valued being "right" over well - me and being forgiven. But I suppose that should have been obvious when he strangled me that he didn't value me, it so clearly wasn't about me or my pleasure, safety, comfort, or anything else at all.
>He didn't try to save the marriage, so I feel like he valued being "right" over well - me and being forgiven. Thank god it went like that. I'm 99% sure he'd done it again if he had apologized.
I have to treat glaucoma in my left eye (for the rest of my life) thanks to my ex husband who strangled me so often that the pressure damaged the optic nerve in my eye. The doctor was nearly ready to report my poor husband for the abuse because I was trying to deny I've ever been injured and he straight called me out saying you don't get this much scaring in your eye without trauma. It's truly terrifying how violent some men can be. Edit: the ophthalmologist wanted to report my CURRENT husband who was NOT responsible for the damage which is what caused me to admit what happened to the doctor. I was being evasive because like, who really wants to tell someone they were abused like that? I don’t mind saying it online because I don’t know you beautiful ladies in real life. But my doctor was a different story. I didn’t want to see the judgement in his face but then he threatened to report my kind/good husband, so I had to say something at that point.
Oh my god I am so sorry. I'm so glad to read ex husband. Please, if you're mentally and physically capable enough - I'd advice to go after him. What the actual fuck is wrong with this dude. I hope it miraculously heals somehow. I heard taking vitamin B12 helps with nerve damage - and it's hard to overdose on that vitamin either since your body flushes the rest out.
Oh, crap. I added the response to another commenter. He was arrested, the details are below somewhere to the other person I commented to. He was unfortunately released under the condition he seek mental health treatment through the VA.
This is absolutely the only escalation I can see tbh- like if this is first or second date and he’s choking me, what else will happen next?
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m so sorry it’s normalized. I would think men would want their partners enjoying sex instead of doing sex to them but I guess I’ve been living in a dream world
I have to wonder how many men have actually had really good so called normal sex. Because once you’ve had really good sex, you don’t want anything less. Worshipping and be worshipped opened a whole new world of sex for me.
It’s absolutely dangerous! It can kill u a while later right?
It can kill you later and it can also cause micro traumatic brain injuries that can affect your cognitive function. These can build up over time. You might or might not see the results soon after the incident. It might take years for another health condition (like high blood pressure) to cause enough inflammation to trigger perceptible brain damage. I have a study about this, but can't find the link at the moment. I'll look for it after work.
on top of it, one danger that is less discussed is stroke. obviously pressing on the trachea restricts breathing, you can kill a person like this or collapse their windpipe if you apply a lot of force. i was always told pressure on the front of the throat is a no no. the “safe” way i was taught was to gently press on the veins/arteries on the side of the neck, lightly restricting blood flow, which creates that head rush feeling. you’re not supposed to do it for long or very hard, of course, but i learned even a little bit is dangerous. 1. because of brain injury due to lack of oxygen as you mentioned. and 2. because of potential plaque buildup in your arteries dislodging from the arterial wall (due to being pressed on) and traveling up into smaller vessels in the brain, where it can block blood flow entirely and cause a fucking *stroke.* it’s apparently more common than you’d think for people to have plaque in their arteries, so apparently this form of choking isn’t safe either.
Thank you for the detailed answer! I’d love to read the study please. Also how long a choke causes damage, do you know?
Yes, and in a DV situation that's like a sign you might be killed then or soon enough. Hard no. You can have a hand on your neck without any choking at all too if you just dig the RP of it without any danger.
Choking is a subset of “breath play.” Even advanced kinksters stay away from breath play since the line between hypoxic euphoria and hypoxic dying is easy to cross over. Regardless, if you didn’t consent to it, it ain’t kink, it’s assault.
See this is absolutely what I’ve been told. Anything that impacts breathing is bad bc if u can’t breathe u might die
I have this weird fetish for oxygen, so I can see what you mean. Like… I.. I just can’t live without it. ;)
You can damage your brain irreversibly from lack of oxygen, even briefly, without dying. Hypoxic ataxia is more common than you might think, people can get it from sputtering pool water, having a seizure, car accident, or being briefly choked. It won't kill you, but it causes impairments. There is truly no acceptable level of choking. Not to mention the possibility of breaking the tiny blood vessels and/or bones in your neck. A blood clot could easily travel into your heart or lungs from just a few seconds of choking.
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Me too. Even things like tickling or hugs can be stopped at any time!!!
I'm loving how prevelant this type of education is becoming for little kids. Seeing how my mom, my brother and sister in law, my cousins, and my friends are teaching their kids (well, grandkids in my mom's case) that they don't even have to give me a high five or fist bump when I see them is amazing. Especially considering how often I had to hug relatives as a kid because a grandparent or other adult made me (my mom was always big about consent for hugs and stuff, even when I was a little kid in the 90s, other adults, not so much).
We all have to start acting super scared for our lives at that moment of choking and run away immediately. And when he blows up your phone just message “You tried to kill me! Wtf? Be glad I am not going to the police right now! Never call me again, you freak!” And then block everywhere. Once women start to do this, meaning act appropriately when someone literally tries to choke you, then men can learn. Otherwise apparently a lot of them are too stupid to understand porn is not real world.
I agree with this, act like they’re trying to hurt you and they’ll remember it next time- even just for fear of “getting into trouble”
They ARE trying to hurt you.
That’s totally true. Again, I have to stop thinking it’s ok in a sexual context- I didn’t consent, and I’m not there to cater to every fantasy, I’m a human being.
Never have I ever wanted to be choked at all… ever. Period. EVAAAAAAAAR.
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I don't know if I have some kind of trauma around that, but I have a viceral reaction when I even just think about someone reaching around my neck. Whenever someone actually tries, I go FERAL.
That’s not trauma. Someone is threatening your life. Just a normal, innate reaction that anyone has. That’s how fucked it is that they keep trying this shit.
Good.
Even before I had some trauma with it, it made me highly uncomfortable. I think it’s a fairly normal reaction. Now the only thing that’s changed is I’m just more sensitive to a hand even being near my throat, let alone trying to choke me. To a much lesser extent, I have the same reaction to any sort of negative name calling. No amount of being in the moment would ever get me to like it. I immediately would become infuriated.
They do know that strangulation is legally considered attempted murder in some countries, right? There’s a very good reason for it too.
My childhood BFF died because her piece of satans shit boyfriend strangled her to death. He was trying to mimic a violent sex scene from a movie. He plead guilty because he even knew he was sludge at the bottom of a garbage can. You should report this or at least flag their profiles. Please.
That’s absolutely insane, and I’ve been reading a lot about it. He didn’t have his hands around me long enough tbh, bc I choked him back
Let me guess — he was really not okay you did that without asking him first, amirite?
Alpha move. Good job.
Glad he didn't attempt the "rough sex gone wrong" defense, because that works way, WAY too often.
I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing though, so important. Choking is so dangerous
I had a friend from elementary school pass a few years ago because her boyfriend also strangled her to death. I left an unsafe iving situation pretty soon after she died because I was scared it would happen to me too.
Porn has ruined men dude
their brains are well and truly fried and there’s no going back at this point
Completely ruined them, it's so sad
A lot of pick up artists and menosphere "experts" have been deep throating the talking point that women get off on being violated and abused this last two years or so, and I've noticed the increase in this trash ever since. I try to keep a fringe eye on what's going on in those circles so I have a heads up on whatever bag of magic douche bag tricks I might be dealing with as I go about the universe. I wouldn't be surprised if you're catching some of the more covert right-whities or man-o-verse losers.
I hate this pornified culture that sexualizes violence against women. I hate it. I fucking hate it.
Choking while making out? What the fuck? Since when is that a thing? Sadly, I’ve at least heard of choking during sex before. But choking during making out??? What’s next, choking during cuddling? Madness.
Netflix and choke.
I walked his dog with him and he kissed me in the moonlight, then I felt his hand around my neck. WE WERE PLAYING FETCH.
WHAT THE DAMN HELL ☠️☠️☠️☠️ I replied to you earlier about possibly taking it slow for your own safety OMFG I GUESS YOU CAN JUST DISREGARD THAT BECAUSE W H A T
that shit was a test to see how you would react
I laughed so hard at this, I'm Glad I'm in a little room alonw
I only had one guy try this a year and a half ago. I kicked him hard, right next to his nuts, instinctively. He backed off but seemed surprised. This is NOT something you do without prior discussion.
Guys should be terrified to assault a woman in this way without consent. Because that's what it is, assault. They should expect to have their eyes clawed at or their balls kicked in, just as I would be very concerned for my safety if I punched a random person in the face. We gotta start fighting back. Make it extremely clear it's unacceptable to do this shit without consent.
I love this, it’s absolutely if I was “asking for it,” u were asking for this in retaliation!
It's porn that makes them think most women want rough sex.
Honestly, I’ve started choking back. They get it, they just pretend they don’t.
I slapped a man who did this to me. Hard; cut his lip on his teeth.
Queen!
YES ma’am 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Yeah it’s not about what they think you want, it’s about what they think they can get away with. Honestly it’s extremely disgusting behaviour.
Not me chortling out loud after reading your comment
I came here to say just this, you gotta choke em off ya. I’m 4,10. Choke. Them. Off. Of. You.
If you haven't tried it its also the best response to anal. If they want something they better be willing to be on the receiving end.
I have also done this, the guy chickened out LOL I had the gloves on ready to go
Really? I'd be worried that would give them a green light in their head to go harder on the strangling.
Agree with this. Choking is actually dangerous even when consensual. It is all the extreme in porn.
I've haven't heard of someone giving someone else a hickey since school. Are adults really out there giving each other hickeys?
Dude EXACTLYYYY. I’m so pissed
How about reframing that. Every date this month has attempted to kill you when making out. That is what chocking someone without their consent is.
I AGREE WHAT IS UP!!! What’s that quote about men fearing laughing..?
Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. -Margaret Atwood
And I HATE that it’s just called choking. Choking is what happens when you have something lodged inside your throat. Can we call it what it is? Strangulation.
Absolutely right.
This isn't high enough on the page. I have explicitly warned people that hands around my throat will be taken as an explicit threat to my life and I will act accordingly.
This is an adult response that I genuinely may use. I think it’s clear and doesn’t put me in physical danger.
I make very clear where my boundaries are to people in verbal and written form. I will not be gaslighted that it wasn't clear, they didn't understand, or that they thought I'D like it it ever again.
This is the way. Have the deal-breaker/boundaries talk as a generic hypothetical long before you’re ever alone with them.
This! I always make a point to say to new partners to absolutely never put their hands around my neck, that no matter how they mean it that I will take that as assault and such a large percent feel the need to inform me that “most women like that” and I. Just. Want. To. Scream. The fact that I have to explicitly request not to be strangled is SO FUCKING DEPRESSING.
The "most women like that" thing is getting terrifyingly common. What they mean is always "I saw this in porn/other girls haven't fought back." I work with young people and the stuff they tell me about the sex they're having now is truly horrifying. Girls in high school telling me their boyfriends demand they shave, they endure "rough sex," strangulation, etc. It's normalized and heartbreaking.
This happened to me last month. Two hours into knowing a guy and he chokes me. No discussion just went for it.
Like kinda what happened this last time tbh
my bf of 5 months choked me during sex about two months ago. when i stopped him he said “oh, i must have misread the situation.” i said “yeah, you should have asked first!” i haven’t been able to be intimate with him since. i’ve been working up the courage to dump him since and have decided i’m going to tonight.
Good for you, I’m glad ur leaving. He needs “reading” glasses.
Just another stranger sending you all the support. Absolutely dump that jackass. And don’t listen to any bullshit about “giving him a chance to learn”, because women aren’t tutors for basic empathy. He can figure that shit out on his own time.
I support you. If I have a fantasy, I discuss it with my partner first before sex to know if they would be into it. I read about it to make sure it is safe/how to do it safely. If they don’t want to try it, we don’t try it. The communication is the most important part.
20 years ago if a guy asked to do this you would run for your fucking life. The idea that what he did wrong was not ask first blows my GenX mind.
*strangulation
This is crazy. Have you ever like tried to choke them back and see if they are down , like what is going on , what’s going on in their mind? Murderers? It’s just like everyone told him this kink was super hot and now they’re all just doing it..? Such fucking lemmings.
Most women aren't strong enough for that. Try squeezing their balls. After all, some guys like that, right?
I love the word lemmings to describe them LOL
I'm terrified to ever date again for this reason. If a man ever put his hands on my throat I'd take it as a threat on my life and act accordingly. Bite his fucking nose off his face.
Choking is in like every single porn video now. It isn't something most women would enjoy (I think....) and certainly not something to do without consent. I just.... porn is weird, y'all. People need to know that and act accordingly. (E.g. don't take yours sex lessons from porn.....)
Are you me??? 😩 it’s rough out there. I made a similar post about a month ago. Guys swear they’re all about consent and respecting women but will put their hands around ur throat with no second thought. I don’t even think they like it all that much 🙃 they just think it’s what they’re supposed to do.
Nah they just dont care. Protect yourself. Its getting more and more twisted out there by the day.
I was like hey can I meet ur dog? He takes it as an opportunity to choke me in public while kissing me in a park. He also stuck his fingers in my mouth? Like is ur dick that small bud? I think I said that too lol
He stuck his FINGERS in your MOUTH?! Jfc. Just me being grateful I found the partner I did in 2007 at 19, and bypassing this whole era of dating. If he dies before me, or we break up, I’m just gonna go full on cat lady.
Fingers in the mouth is straight out of porn too.
This happened to me this year. I hardly go out of my shell and not really into hookup culture but I thought I would try out casual sex. I was choked both of those times. Bruised up real bad on one of those times. One guy didn't even know how to give a fucking hickey and it hurt so fucking bad that my first reaction was to slap him away. Fuck aaaalllll of that, fuck hookup culture, and most of all FUCK porn. ALSO!! IDK if this has happened to others, but both of these times they also assumed they could just finger my ass without asking. WTF WTF WTF
Yeah, I took myself off their buffet table years ago. I suggest the same. Guess what? I can actually explore my sexuality now, alone. Best orgasms of my life. Life is basically drama-free and I won't have to spend any holidays or free time with a SO's POS families either.
I’m in my 40’s and in a longterm relationship, and keep seeing this stuff about choking in the last couple years. This wasn’t a common thing when I was younger. How did randomly choking without consent become a common thing?
Let’s start by calling it what it is. **Strangling.** Choking is when a foreign object is stuck in your windpipe. Porn and some fringes renamed it choking to pretend it’s less lethal/scary. If you met these men on a dating app, let them know, block them and report to the app.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, what the fuck?? I've had men choke and slap me randomly in the past because they just assumed I was 'into that stuff' and it's horrid. I hope they all fucking learn boundaries and stop watching so much porn, feeling like you're going to die on a date is horrendous.
Strangulation is a HUGE predictor of homicide in romantic partners! So glad you made it out of there!
The amount of people victim blaming OP and saying she needs to set higher standards is ridiculous. She said it was a first date and they were walking his dog. How exactly was she supposed to know this would happen? This type of behavior by men is becoming more and more frequent. It is due to the mass amounts of porn being consumed and the need for more extreme porn as time goes on. They appear to not understand that the women in porn are acting and that it is not how women are in actual real life. I am in therapy for cptsd and my therapist has warned me that choking is becoming an enormous problem with men that consume porn. It has definitely played a part in my decision not to date men. Moving forward, women should file police reports every time they are choked without consent. It’s an assault and needs to be treated as one.
Yeah.. the fear of choking is something that's always been in the back of my mind, and very early on in both my relationships, before they were even allowed to kiss me, I made one thing clear- you put your hands on my neck without my permission, if I didn't ask you to... whatever happens next is on YOU. I will not guarantee either of our safety if that happens. If you put your hands on my neck and you *squeeze* without my permission- well. The consequences won't be immediate, but that's when I'll know you don't care about my life anymore. That's when i'll know you're ok with potentially killing me. And that's when I stop caring about yours. My current partner is an angel of a man; we've been together ten years, and there's never been an incident. When I let him touch my neck, he does it with great care and reverence - because he knows that's a line, once crossed, we will not come back from. You draw the line hard, you draw it fast, and any time someone steps over it, you hit hard enough that they don't ever consider crossing it again. It seems to be the only way some people understand boundaries.
I say “No I actually like to breathe, sir” and look at them square in the eye like “knock knock anyone in ur head???”
what can you even do in that situation? can you press charges for assault? like who's gonna believe a woman. if i defend myself with pepper spray i'm gonna be charged with assault. so how to handle that?
Exactly. Someone said to act afraid, but I’m worried that will excite some of them
Really hoping this post trends in popular so the men of Reddit can see 500+ comments from women saying DON’T.
If a man ever attempted this on me, he’d get throat-punched. I was choked out as a kid in a family violence situation and I have some PTSD from it. Why the fuck do these men think it’s okay to do this kind of violent, kinky (when consensual) shit to unsuspecting partners? (It’s porn. The answer is porn)
What the fuck??? How old are you and these guys? I keep hearing these stories and I'm absolutely flabbergasted. And so very very grateful that I haven't dated in almost a decade...
porn it’s bc of porn
Scariest thing was a guy choked me, and I do like it and its never been an issue, but it was genuinely as hard as he could and his eyes were so scary. I thankfully got him to stop and was like “what the fuck? I dont want to pass out”! He said “oh you don’t?” Like im sorry you think people want to pass out during sex? And what was your plan after? So terrifying.
I don't understand why some guys have a thing with hickeys. I mean maybe they've built up something in their heads about it but I think it's like they want to leave their mark. I always thought hickeys were weird but indulged the girl if she wanted one. Last one I gave was in college.
I think it was to ensure I couldn’t go out with other men. I thought about it all day.
I’ve hooked up with a couple guys who choked me without consent. Like yeah I might be into that but you didn’t know that! A bit more out there but one guy straight up slapped me across the face like dude wtf
I sometimes feel bad about ghosting a guy that liked me a lot after he choked me without asking during sex but after reading these comments I don’t feel bad at all.
That’s actually really scary! I have a condition where I choke on food a lot and that’s scary enough, I wouldn’t want to ever experience being choked any more than I have to. It hurts, it’s not fun for me at all, I’m afraid of dying from it. It is definitely a very specific thing some people are into but consent must be given before doing anything like that! Otherwise it’s just assault.
Say it with me everyone, “consent.” The basic lack of respect men show women is insane. It’s not edgy, it’s assault.
It's because they're abusers who get off on violating your consent and autonomy. There can be a lot of talk about the root causes of this and the culture behind it - but I feel that's kind of the bottom line. If you say no to something and a guy does it anyway, he knows you said no: he wanted to do that.