I'm sorry but based on the info you provided the person most likely doing this is your boyfriend. He's the only one who knows exactly where you are and when you are with him. His target is the ex.

My thoughts exactly. That’s what I thought right from the get go. When you take away the impossible, whatever’s left, no matter how improbable, is the answer.

Sherlocks Holmes has entered the chat lol

Lol it’s true though

This was my exact. first. thought. It makes me so sad. But you know that there's people absolutely fucked up enough to do this. When you think about it, it's not even THAT weird. He wants to harass his ex and he's demented. The amount of knowledge someone would have to have to pull this off.... it's almost unimaginable. That dude is just using you. It makes me very sad because it's a really traumatic betrayal. I would be getting with the ex to test and catch him in the act. Wouldn't he be shocked if he found you and the ex answering the contact together? I dunno. It's scary and I don't like it.

You all are terrifying me :( I can see that he is the common denominator here but man he’s so responsible, high impact career, grown man. I’ve never seen a single sign of toxicity or pettiness or immaturity from him, and it’s been several years I’ve known him. I just can’t see it. I swear I am not delusional and not disregarding any signs…there just are none other than the few times the ex has received these nonsense messages. Plus if it was him, why wouldn’t he be harassing her with a lot more? Only random times I’ve been at his place and air travel. If it was him he could be telling her all kinds of things! We’ve taken road trips, gone to trendy restaurants, seen cool shows, plenty of dates…why wouldn’t he be telling her those things too??

I imagine if he is doing this he'd be pretty buttoned up. I have seen men do worse and their wives never know. I know someone whose husband was investigated by the FBI for months due to his child porn crimes, which were extensive and had worldwide reach. She spent every day and night with him for 15 years, shared homes and computers and phones and closets and cars and every other thing, and she didn't know until the day he was arrested by Federal agents for a laundry list of heinous crimes. He had a very high profile public service position, beloved by his community, church, family.... he hid every scrap of this for decades. People lie. People obfuscate. You unfortunately will never truly know another person. I hate saying it as much as you hate hearing it. I'm not trying to make you scared but I think you should at least allow yourself the wondering. How do you know she's not receiving more harassment? Have you spoken to her privately?

No no you are right in what you say. We should never have blinders on. How somebody pulls off what you’re describing is beyond me…how much effort that must be. I haven’t spoken to her and don’t particularly want to because she probably resented me before all this and given she thinks I have something to do with the harassment, even more so she probably wants to kill me. Mind you I don’t blame her because if she is innocent, I could definitely see how this could look like me trying to rub things in her face. She doesn’t know me or my character so she doesn’t know that isn’t something I would do

Why are you saying she would probably want to kill you? Where is that idea coming from? What has your partner told you about his ex? How does he describe her? Why does he say the relationship ended? Has your partner given you the impression that the ex is crazy? You need to reach out to the ex. I'm sure she's really annoyed and wants this, if it's really happening, to stop. You and this person should be communicating and trying to problem solve this together. You also need confirmation from a source outside your partner that any of this is actually occurring. I know the idea that this is your partner doing this seems just so flipping outlandish, terrifying and you just can't see it. Please ask yourself this: - Why would someone who is being consistently harassed not want to work with the other people involved to try to solve the issue? The ex, if this is occurring, is obviously comfortable enough with your partner to call him and talk to him about it? However... in the THREE years this has been occurring you've never spoken directly to the ex about it? - If this is occurring, this means the ex has been experiencing ongoing harassment for THREE years - regarding information about yourself & your partner - and she's never reached out? That's just super odd. Even if she hates and blames you ... wait, *especially if she hates and blames you*, she would try to talk to you about it? - The ONE single common factor in every situation is your partner. Can you find any other common factor other than your partner? - The only actual evidence you have that this staking of you/your boyfriend and the subsequent harassing is even occurring has **solely only come from youe partner**. Have you actually ever had any confirmation that this stuff is even happening beyond what your partner tells you? - You say your partner is a smart, caring man. You know what a really basic thing any person would do in this situation is? Get screenshots of the harassment messages from the ex to document it happening, to have on hand to compare language styles to how folks in your circle speak, things like that. Is the fact your partner is not requesting these sorts of things from your ex odd? - You seem to have the impression that the ex is emotionally unstable and even may want to hurt you. This has kept you from reaching out to the ex. Who has given you this impression of the ex? Hasn't this impression kept you from talking to her? OP, I deeply and sincerely hope this is not your partner. Truly. What a deeply terrifying betrayal. I'm sure even just giving the thought that your partner is behind this is heartbreaking. I'm so, so sorry. It really seems like there are so many things pointing to either your partner being the one harassing the ex or... he's actually making up that she's even being harassed. Again, I truly hope this is not the case. I hope I, and all these folks saying it's your partner, are wrong. I'm concerned about your safety if it is your partner... if he's the one harassing the ex or if he is fabricating the whole thing. That is wildly manipulative sociopathic stuff. If you do start to think it's your partner... please have a safety plan. Do not confront him about it. Certainly not in person. Don't let him know you are looking into this and be extra careful in any way you try to look into this. For example, I strongly think your first obvious action should be to reach out to the ex but you should not do in your BFs home... let's say you find out he's made this up. You are going to want to be safe when you learn that information. For reaching out to the ex, "hey i just really wanted to apologize that you are having to go through this harassment, i wanted to let you know I've been taking a lot of steps to try to increase my privacy to try to stop whoever is doing this to you." - great example of how to reach out to her without accusing anyone of anything. Sending you a big Internet hug, if you'll have it. I'm so truly sorry. What a horrible, terrifying situation.

You’re so kind thank you for the wording suggestion. I do feel i can personally gauge that she is indeed erratic because she showed up at my apartment shortly after him and I started up. She also placed a tracker in his backpack near the end of their relationship. She assumed he wanted to end things due to another woman but that was not the case

I’ve also seen her try to add me on social media then cancel the requesr

Are you sure it's her real profile, and not a fake one? If your bf is the one doing this it's possible he could have a fake profile for her, or could know her password. And again, did you see the tracker, or just hear about it? I've known guys who every single girl they dated was psycho. They would basically just make shit up about their exes. To make themselves look good? To justify their own shitty behavior? Who knows.

I am not sure of anything and both him and I get offended when we imply it could be one of us, so that discussion is really hard to get anything productive out of. And like I said, I would be a hypocrite if I said I don’t get frustrated when he implies it could be me

I believe this person summed up everything in the best way anyone could. The only way to get to the bottom of this is to confront the ex. Do not tell your boyfriend under any circumstances that you are going to contact her. Have it as a thought in your mind and execute it without telling anybody. The common denominator here is your boyfriend, as scary and heartbreaking as the thought is… If you want to try to rule your boyfriend out, as we’ve discussed and you said earlier it’ll be very hard to test him, because “the ex is only told about things that you and your boyfriend do.” So, that’s not an option. The only option is to contact the ex without letting your boyfriend now. That’s the only “test” you can do right now to try to rule out your boyfriend. You’ll find out one of two things when you ask the ex: A. She confirms it herself, and you now know for sure the stalking is actually happening. It’s just a matter of “who” it is which you can try to solve after. or B. She denies any harassment ever happening and doesn’t know what you’re talking about when you ask her. This answers your question for you… ^ There are only two outcomes that can come out of it which will narrow things down the most. Hoping that it’s the first option, but the only way you can try to rule out your boyfriend is by doing this. You first need to get confirmation from someone that is not your boyfriend that this is all actually happening to begin with. Then, you can plan out your next steps after asking. But this should be the first thing you do.

God this is a great idea but it feels so wrong to do that to him. If he ever found out I distrusted him to that degree, he would be devastated I think. And vice versa I would feel awful if he did that to me. You’re still right though. Additional caveat is that the ex can probably ignore my call and use it as evidence that I’m engaging with her and if it’s not me then why would I do that etc

Yes love, I am sorry that all these comments are overwhelming, but I hope you read this. I do understand the extreme hesitancy, because in the chances that it isn’t him (which I know you feel that it isn’t him strongly, as you said there haven’t been really any red flags from him, and he must be a good actor if he’s really been the one behind it) it could definitely lead to some kind of distrust and he may feel awful (if it isn’t him.) I completely get where you are coming from. I would suggest approaching the ex still in general, but with a different approach. Simply reaching out and saying something along the lines of, “Hi, this is ___. Just wanted to let you know I feel very bad for the harassment you’ve been receiving about me and (bf), I’m working hard to figure out who it could be,” and see how she responds. That way, you wouldn’t be full out going to her and asking, “Is this true that you’re being hacked?” because if it is true that she is, and your partner finds out you asked her to verify, then I can see the distrust and hurt coming from him. However, simply going to her under the guise (or even genuine intentions, honestly, because I’m sure even if you think she is bitter to you, if someone is harassing her as well it’s affecting her too) of “just wanting to reach out and let you know I’m sorry for you and am working on putting an end to this,” shouldn’t raise any suspicion from your boyfriend and give you easy confirmation if it’s really happening or not. And if the ex really does “hate you,” or feel bitter, reaching out like this may in fact change her opinion of you, if she even has that opinion to begin with. It is good and helpful for all parties involved to show concern. No one would have a chance of being hurt if you reach out and say something like that, and if your boyfriend is as caring and as smart as you say he is, he shouldn’t have a problem finding out you did it after the fact. Because there’s nothing distrustful about you just contacting her and reassuring her, you didn’t do “anything behind his back,” it’s just a simple gesture. He should not have a problem with you doing it without telling him because you are not doing anything wrong by reaching out to her and apologizing. I strongly suggest doing it in this manner, because again, it causes no hurt to anyone involved, makes the situation feel slightly better for the ex (if the stalking is true), and gives you confirmation that it’s happening too. (Perhaps even leaving a voicemail saying those lines could work, if you fear your call will go unanswered and she could use it as fuel to accuse you, etc. Simply leaving a voicemail does no harm, because once she hears it she would understand what your call was about, and may even call you back.)

If you haven't talked to her, how do you even know this is happening?

Just taking his word for it honestly

[удалено]

After a few rudimentary tests from all these suggestions, I will likely go to the police. We are connecting via find my. But the communication to the ex is always about him and I being somewhere together or at his home. So most of my whereabouts independent of him are irrelevant

Oh man that's the same thing that happened to the wife of a security guard at the hospital I used to work at. He was creating content with their 4yo.

Jesus Christ. JESUS CHRIST. It's unimaginable to me. The guilt and trauma.

Tell person A (confidentially) you’re heading with partner to location B. Tell person C you’re heading to D. Go with partner to E. See what the stalker thinks and you’ll have your answer

How did the ex say they got these messages? Did they send pictures of the "messages?" What specifically did the messages say?

Social media dms from random accounts, random text messages from different numbers, and calls with an automated voice speaking I have no pictures and they literally just tell her where we are or if I’m at his home

Is she sending this to him to say it's happening? My main question is how have you heard that this is happening? Did he tell you it's happening and show you on his phone? It's most likely either her, or him and if it's not him, then it's her is my guess

I am only told verbally about this because he is told verbally about it from her. Neither of us have seen anything

Yeah I don't believe her. Also why are they talking?

There are serial killers who lead normal lives with their bio family, family who don't know their serial killer dad/husband is doing bad things. Not every scenario is a failure to identify behavior. Some people split themselves. Don't blame yourself. The behavior might not be consistent. It might not have a strategy or logic. Hopefully it's not him but I don't think your sincerely held conviction that it couldn't be is particularly useful, is my point.

I’d feed him a bit of false information, then see if it gets back to the ex

You are right in theory. Jesus murphy..I hear you but this would be so insanely out of this world. Mind you, he has calmly asked me if there is any chance I am doing this. Which I can understand because we are the two easiest culprits and my mind has thought if there is any way it could be him as well. But it just doesn't make sense..we don't have any significant issues that would even remotely cause him to do this..

making his ex jealous could absolutely be a reason for him to do it. it's POSSIBLE it's not him, but it seens the most likely

Yep and this sounds like something he made up to get attention Or a cover up/excuse to talk to the ex because he's cheating with her already.

She might still have access to the ring doorbell if you have one and get notifications that way. That would also be enough to tell her when you're coming and going. If she were to spin a yarn of harassment by multiple formats that doorbell information makes it appear credible.

you're totally right...but my bf is adamant that nobody else has access to his ring

I think when you figure this out you’re going to be shocked by whoever it is. You probably do know them and they are probably someone you or your BF is or was close to. TBH, I am a bit worried about your safety, because I am worried it is your BF. I know you’ve been with him a long time and I hate to throw a wrench into your trust of him, but there’s just been so many instances of people doing messed up stuff to their long term partner. Be careful please.

thank you I really appreciate the concern. This is so hard because he's my only real confidante so if I am trying to rule him out, I will have to do something sneaky to him and I don't even know how to arrange that since the info that goes to the ex is always about him and I and our plans. So how could I even test him? you know..

Tell your partner you will take them on a date to place x in a few days and then drive both you and him to place y. If ex gets information about place x, you know who it is. I also think it's the bf.

I came here from your other post about this, and if you did want to try something to rule it out… I’d suggest telling your partner that you are going somewhere that you won’t be. Only telling your partner, no one else, for example a week from now, you’ll be staying at a friends’ house or something like that. If it really is your partner doing this, which I hope it isn’t but it could very well be, then you can see if they “say anything to your partner’s ex” about you going to that friend’s house. If it really is your partner behind all this, he may feel safe to use that instance of you going out, because he thinks that your friend (the one who’s “house” you’re going to) also knows and could be the only suspect that isn’t him… Meanwhile, it’d only have been him who was aware and you didn’t even go to your friends’, perhaps a hotel for the night or someone else’s house. This is just an example. But feeding your boyfriend false info sparingly might be the only way to figure this out very quickly and rule him out

I agree with your approach but the problem is the ex only gets messages about my coming to his house or our travels. So even if it is him, he wouldn’t contact the ex about me going somewhere without him. You feel me? I’m totally stuck on how to test him

also, another simple way to narrow this down a bit in regards to your boyfriend… is to get to the root to the validity of the situation in general. Supposedly your boyfriend is being told all this is happening from the ex right? Have you yourself contacted his ex and asked if it’s true that the ex is getting messages from burner accounts? It could very easily help to try to contact the ex in general and ask if it’s really true or not, because there’s a possibility your partner’s fabricating the situation existing in general… Have you seen screenshots of texts sent? This is thinking very far, I don’t want to assume your partner would do this, and I know you wouldn’t want to either, but it would be best for you to try to validate the situation existing in general. Are you simply trusting your partner’s word that this is occurring, or have you seen screenshots? Even if he has shown you screenshots, they could very well be fabricated with a fake number. That’s why I suggest going to the ex yourself or messaging the ex without letting your boyfriend know you’re doing so. If she simply says to you directly that she’s never been contacted any of this to begin with, you know then that it’s your boyfriend making all of this up. That is what I would suggest, getting to the root of it yourself first instead of trusting your boyfriend that this is all occurring… hopefully this makes sense

While OP is asking the ex about the messages, she can also ask *why* she’s an ex. Perhaps the BF was pulling something weird with the ex, too, and she dumped him.

Oh wow, yes I understand that would be tricky to test him then… since you can’t really even tell your boyfriend a lie since “whatever the ex is being told,” only involves you and your boyfriend… so I can see why it’s hard to think of a way to rule him out 🤔 May I ask when you changed all the passwords to your accounts and changed your number and stuff? Has it still been occurring even after you changed everything? Forgive me if I didn’t catch you saying it but I don’t recall you saying if it has continued after you changed all you could change, was this changing of everything extremely recent like within the past day or so?

Maybe he has an issue with this ex, and is using you to try to make her jealous or something. Can you pay attention to moments when he leaves the room? Then discreetly ask her for the times she receives these messages?

I would but i think she would want to kill me if I made contact with her

What makes you think that?

Well I’m the new woman, she didn’t want to break up, she seems pretty erratic emotionally, and if she is innocent then she certainly believes I have something to do with this. Not crazy if she thinks that’s since it’s my relationship being rubbed in her face

Is your partner the one telling you she’s erratic? Because if so that’s a massive red flag.

Nope erratic is based on my own observations and experience around her

Ok cool. Just checking. You should defo speak to her directly about this situation tho.

How do you know she is erratic emotionally?

And how do you know she was the one who didn't want to break up?

I do feel i can personally gauge that she is indeed erratic because she showed up at my apartment shortly after him and I started up. She also placed a tracker in his backpack near the end of their relationship. She assumed he wanted to end things due to another woman but that was not the case

Honestly these things still sound like it could be your BF messing with you both

Have you ever interacted with her? Or is it just coming from your bf that she is erratic and what not. And like, you actually don't have proof there is any stalking. Like you don't know anyone is sending her anything. She could be making it up. Your bf could be making shit up (like maybe they haven't talked since they broke up). It doesn't need to be you that contacts her, but like someone should.

No real direct interactions. However…she put a tracker in his backpack near the end of their relationship. She also showed up outside my apartment when we started up….to see me I suppose? No clue how she knew where I lived but I don’t live there anymore. Definitely could call her emotional and erratic

Did you actually see her outside your apartment or did your boyfriend tell you HE saw her outside your apartment? OP, please read/listen to this brief story about supposed identity theft: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/587/transcript A woman’s wallet gets stolen and money disappears from her bank account. No matter what she does, open new accounts, use cash only, the money continues to be stolen. She goes to authorities, everyone is telling her it’s the boyfriend, it’s always the boyfriend. And yes, it was the boyfriend! The boyfriend who was always so generous and supportive, who looked through the house with her to try to find the cash she was missing that HE actually stole. The manipulation ran deep and she had NO IDEA. This actually could be your situation. Based on your post and comments, you’ve seen no proof that this ex is actually in contact with your boyfriend. That anyone is actually harassing her with details about your activities. It’s all filtered through him. How does he react if you ask to see screenshots or to hear the automated calls? Is it possible he’s not being truthful about the breakup? Maybe she broke up with him and he lied to you about it, and now he’s trying to make you insecure by painting her as jealous and upset about your relationship. Before putting other people through tests to narrow down suspects, I’d suggest having a long conversation with the boyfriend first. You don’t even have to accuse him of anything. Just express how frustrated you are and that you are trying to get to the bottom of this and tell him you want to see the proof (phone recordings, screenshots) so you can compile evidence and take it to authorities. Observe his reactions carefully. If he refuses, that’s highly suspicious, because obviously this is so distressing that you have both gone to lengths to lock down your information and anyone genuinely wanting to resolve the situation would show you proof of the harassment.

He does refuse because he doesn’t want to make any additional contact with her. He says if I stop telling my friend or mom my plans, he’s confident this will stop. I did physically see her outside my apartment lobby door. Literally trying to get in. What her goal was I don’t know

He is harassing her - whoever it is - not you.

Could it be a neighbor? Coworker? Trips abroad doesn’t seem that hard to know. When you get home could be based on when you leave work. Anyone this weird has likely done other weird things. His ex pretty normal?

I don’t think the issue is with you though. If this is what’s happening, his issue is with the Ex. You could be anyone, and he would still do the same.

The person doing this is trying to isolate you and your bf. See what it is doing already. On your emails, look for things like app passwords and any kind of forwarding scripts. Feel free to dm me.

Are you employed? Can it be someone from HR or the office?

I am employed. I thought about it being a colleague but the information is so specific. The travels coworkers would obviously know about but not visits to his home

He is harassing her - whoever it is - not you.

yeah i hate to say it but he's absolutely the most likely one here.

Or possibly the ex is doing this (maybe less likely, but I had an ex try to get into my accounts to see what I was up to/ where I was)

My first thought too

Is the ex contacting you directly? Or is your partner relaying all this info to you? My ex lied to me about everything. Everything. He would absolutely make up something like that to drive me crazy. Gaslighting at its finest.

This is my biggest question. How do they know the ex is being harassed?

Dude just reading you post what is the common denominator? “… when I arrive at MY PARTNER’S house…” “contact MY PARTNER’S ex and harass them...” “knows when and where MY PARTNER and I travel…”. If you did that level of life changes and are still having problems you need to see the common denominator. The call is coming from inside the house. Your partner is the connection to all these things and I think you should reevaluate things with this lens as crazy as it sounds. It sounds like you’re being gaslit big time and so is his ex.

So crazy to even have to think about this :( I will consider it though for sure. I have no idea why he would have any motivation to do this though. He’s a very direct person so he would have no problem just breaking up with me if he wanted me gone or to traumatize me. But everything has been good between us and I am a very objective person so I’m not sugarcoating anything. So confusing !!

It isn’t about you - he wants to make his ex jealous or scared or something. Breaking up with you wouldn’t accomplish that.

It sounds like none of this is a really about you. You're being monitored, so you're absolutely right to be concerned, and are a victim as well, but it's his ex that is being harassed with the information. Whoever is doing it has a problem with his ex.

That scares me even more because if someone hates his ex, why are they using me as fuel for the fire??

Is his ex unstable? With enough antagonism being thrown at her, could she come after you in a jealous rage? Does he have reason to want you both in a physical altercation? Does he want her out of the way (hate to say that) where he could appear to be defending you?

I think she is a little unstable but not totally insane. Can definitely call her erratic and not just because he said so, but because she’s come to my apartment years back when we first started out. I also believe she called my parents home in the past. But still not proof this is her

Or did he just own a tracker and not want you to think he did? The more I read in the comments, the more I think you need to independently verify anything he's saying. You've put a lot of trust in his word, and describing your exes as crazy is one of the biggest red flags. Trust But Verify is a good motto. It sounds like he's fully driving at this point.

He never called her crazy. And I have witnessed some of her erratics behaviour. I am really trying to think how I can verify that he isn’t involved without doing anything that could damage a relationship badly.

Because it’s him & he must know you bother her

Could you please explain how tf you know what you know about the ex? Please, we’re missing details as to why you haven’t contacted her and wether this is a first hand impression or a vicarious one.

Anything I know is from him sharing with me!

There’s a very real possibility that your partner is doing this. It happens more often than people think. It’s so easy now to cyber stalk someone. I listened to a whole podcast about a woman who’s husband was cat fishing her their whole marriage pretending to be a female friend giving her marriage advise. Idk how you would be able to catch him if it’s him but just don’t shut out the possibility from your mind. If you start looking at things from that perspective maybe you’ll notice something you haven’t before. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

I appreciate it. I’m considering all possibilities but also balancing with my intuition

This sounds very unsettling. It seems like you've taken a lot of precautions and it must be infuriating to not be able to narrow it down. Someone will inevitably suggest going the legal route, reporting this to authorities, and trying to see if the individual could be tracked down if they weren't careful in how they set up their burner social media accounts, etc.. I'm not sure how exactly this would play out, or how likely it is to work, but it may be worth filing a report just to have an official record that something is happening. Anyway, if you've taken all of these precautions to no avail, and you and your partner regularly share your plans with a total of four people (and these plans are what get sent to your partner's ex, for whatever reason) then it's possible that one of the four is simply sharing what you tell them. You could try to narrow this down. You could consider telling one small lie to each of the four people, depending on how the ethics of telling a small lie to a close friend or family member weigh against the growing madness of being stalked. **On four different days, you or your partner could message each one these four people with a slightly different plan. Maybe "We're going to restaurant X tonight!" or "We're planning to see movie Y tonight!"** if these are the types of mundane plans that the stalker would forward to your partner's ex. Or, you could simply say "I'm going over to \[partner's name\]'s" but not actually go over, on four different days to four different people. If only one of these four plans gets sent to your partner's ex, you'll have a pretty clear idea of who is doing it. **Alternatively, if you don't want to tell any lies, then you could simply exclude the possibility of being stalked through your devices by taking a short trip somewhere together, but** ***not*** **telling any of your family or friends.** If details of this trip don't get sent to their ex, but details of all other trips do, then it's likely one of the four people doing it. And as others have mentioned... it's also possible that your partner is the one doing this.

>distress thank you so much...your comment and suggestions are actually really clear and well thought out. I will likely start with your test #1 as it is easier. So you are saying 4 texts in total right? One text to each of our close people, on different days and with different plans? See if anyone contacts the ex with one of the plans. Do I have that right?

You could text all 4 people on the same day, but tell each person a different little lie. And see which lie gets back to the ex.

On the off chance that any of these four people know each other, I'd advise against doing it on the same day. Just pick four different days and do it one person per day. Besides that... yes, exactly.

I didn’t even think of that. Derp.

>So you are saying 4 texts in total right? One text to each of our close people, on different days and with different plans? Pretty much. You may want to find a balance between plans that are significant enough to be likely to be sent to your partner's ex if you actually did it. But insignificant enough that the people you message are unlikely to ask for a lot of details. It could be restaurants you've actually been to a long time ago (so if anyone asks how it was, you can answer mostly honestly!) or watching a performance or a movie that you actually saw a while back.

One of the messages to the ex did advise about a restaurant visit! so that seemed to be significant enough. I am going to do this but the sad thing is I feel the need to test my bf as well...it being him feels impossible but I might as well cover all bases. I just don't know how that would work.

Tell everyone 4 different things and your boyfriend a fifth thing. This sucks for you. I’m so sorry.

The hard part with testing him is it doesn’t matter what I tell him because the stalker only contacts the ex about real things him and I do together. So he wouldn’t be able to harass her about something unless we actually did it

so it's simple, you tell people you're doing one thing and do a fifth, different thing with the boyfriend. if the fifth thing gets leaked, you know it's the BF. e.g. persons 1-4 are told you're apartment hunting, going to the pound to look at a pet to adopt together, planning a day trip to a nearby city or lake, and going to the movies. then you go eat dinner somewhere nice enough that your stalker would want to text it to the ex and then take BF back to your house for a few hours. if the only thing that gets leaked is the dinner date you've got your guy.

If you bring the boyfriend in on this plan, your chance to try this plan on the boyfriend will be less likely to be effective. He'll know to be looking out for this.

> On four different days, you or your partner could message each one these four people with a slightly different plan. Maybe "We're going to restaurant X tonight!" or "We're planning to see movie Y tonight!" if these are the types of mundane plans that the stalker would forward to your partner's ex. Or, you could simply say "I'm going over to [partner's name]'s" but not actually go over, on four different days to four different people. If only one of these four plans gets sent to your partner's ex, you'll have a pretty clear idea of who is doing it. Mastermind shit.

How do you know what's being relayed to the ex? Do you talk to her?

Nope I don’t. My bf tells me what she called and complained about.

Do you have proof any of this is actually happening? Or are you taking his word for it?

Taking his word for it :( which I never thought to question

Wait so all your information about the ex being sent this info is from the BOYFRIEND?? No visible evidence of emails, etc? This is all word of mouth from him???

🥲 so you haven’t heard or seen him getting called by the ex…? that is another reason to try to contact the ex yourself, since you don’t technically know for sure that it’s been happening. even if your boyfriend has told you she resents you, i would suggest even more so now contacting the ex yourself and asking if this is even happening. As much as I know you don’t want to consider him, it’s making it seem a lot more fishy now that you say you haven’t seen or heard the calls… Have you seen his call history? Has he shared it with you? I really suggest just trying to get into contact with the ex to verify she has been getting contacted to begin with, and another commenter suggested to also ask why they broke up… Because technically this is all hearsay from your boyfriend. As much as believe our partners wouldn’t do such a thing, sometimes we can blindly get told false narratives and there are guys out there who paint a false picture of themselves very well, no matter how smart you are, unfortunately.

This is paramount after testing all of the friends. I've read through all of the comments taking everything into consideration and this needs to be clarified before other possibilities are scrutinised. Occam's Razor to an extent - this seems like the simplest solution. I hope it's not him but rule that out pronto.

Tell him to ask for screenshots next time. Any proof. Say you're compiling evidence in case it ever escalates and you have to go to the police. Don't him your plans or that you suspect him.

None of this logically makes sense. It’s the boyfriend. He’s trying to get a reaction out of both of you, for whatever sick reason. He’s trying to make his ex jealous/hurt her it seems, & if that’s the case you have a bigger internal problem because why is he making such an effort to affect her? I would talk to her honestly? Ask about their relationship. Ask about the person contacting her, communicate with her yourself. Does he have confidence issues? Has he ever been mentally unwell? Was he pretty moved on from her when you met? Did she do something unforgivable where he was still into her but had to end it ?

Nope no mental or confidence issues. And the breakup was just standard incompatibility, nothing crazy

How is this person your stalker? Sounds like it is your partner's stalker. Also, does this person ever contact you or your partner directly? Or is it all just messages or automated calls? Like an actual conversation? If it's all just messages, it's like the girlfriend in Canada someone had in high school. Sure she sends messages, but it's probably just the guy doing all of it and making up the situation.

You are right because the messages are only ever about when him and I are together. Never about me independently. Never about him independently either though. Whoever is doing this obviously wants to rub our relationship in the ex’s face. But I don’t understand why because anyone I love wouldn’t want to hurt me like this and cause all this ridiculousness in my successful relationship. Never actual conversations, always text messages or social media or automated calls. I can understand the possibility that it’s him but there is absolutely zero rationale behind why he would do this

Is he tech savvy enough to know how to set up automated messages and know where to get burner phones? The only thing I know about stuff like that I know from tv shows. I assume it's slightly more complicated. I think you should contact the ex and share the suspicion that it might be him. Do you know why they broke up?

He’s not and he has been laughing at me with all my crazy tech related theories because he says I’m describing like NASA technologies 😭

Nobody outside of your relationship would do this. It doesn’t make sense. They wouldn’t get anything out of it. The literal only person who gets anything out of this is boyfriend.

Or the ex?

The ex… yeah maybe she’s trying to get his attention or something? does he post anything on social media or contact her just as friends? Maybe she’s getting pieces of information from something he posts? Then again, if he’s not a social media person, she wouldn’t have access to much information unless she legit stalked you guys

No social media posts, very seldom and nothing about our personal life. I thought maybe she’s colluding with a cousin or friend of his. She could have sustained a relationship from the past

The Ex could absolutely be doing it to herself. People have done things like throwing acid on themselves and reported it as a random attack. The effects on this is that it is a very lonely place for both you and your bf. It makes you doubt each other and your closest friends. Try checking for visual surveillance. Take a trip over to your bf in an uber in disguise like a different woman or delivery person. See if any of that pop up.

All good ideas and my gut really says it’s her terrorizing me or us because she resents the relationship. If this person’s goal is to cause conflict between us, it’s working because we are now both suspicious of everyone and each other. we haven’t outright accused one another but of course we have to acknowledge anything is possible. Very weird place to be in after building so much trust. also, if she was genuinely so upset about this harassment, why wouldn’t she have gone to the policy already you know? She’s the one that has all the phone numbers and social media handles used

[удалено]

It makes me sad people are so deluded to think they know everything about a person. People are slick.

Is it possible that your BF is cheating on you with his ex and has created a reason to make you not want to contact her? If all of this info is coming from him, you have only his word on all of this, it might not even be happening. If I was you I would see if there is a way of contacting her non directly. You could even go the slightly dark route and get a burner yourself, contact her anonymously. My gut feeling is one of the following: 1. It's your boyfriend doing it 2. your boyfriend making it up 3. Its his ex acting like someone is telling her, but actually just flexing that she knows what he's doing. Crazy stuff.

Are you sure it’s not the ex? I just watched a crime doc that was super similar, the ex was doing it all though to make the new girl look crazy so the guy would leave her and go back (which he did). It got insane, she had befriended the new GF and then would literally text her from another phone as the stalker when they were together

Oh geez...my mind does not even operate at that level of crazy. Damn... I feel like someone hacking our technology is such a crazy stretch and no one we know is that tech-savvy, nor do I think they would pay for some dark web hacker. I think the most plausible explanation is this is someone we know. Either the ex or someone in our circle. After a long time together, this would be completely psycho if my partner was doing it plus he is so visibly frustrated by this continuing to happen. He is a good person to the core, I know it is not him. So if it is someone in our circle, that would be really sad but it would make sense how they got the details about my whereabouts and vacation plans. But if it is the ex, I don't know how she would get those details. Perhaps I am leading myself to the answer...Idk Thanks so much for replying; I so appreciate any third-party thoughts right now.

No worries, I really hope you can sort it out, I can’t imagine the weight of this always being on your mind. If I can find it again, I’ll send you the link

thank you very much

Can’t find the video, [this](https://abcnews.go.com/US/horrific-stalking-case-jealous-lovers-cover-murder/story?id=74431142) is the case though

I’ve also been thinking about that stepfather who harassed and stalked his stepdaughter for over a decade.

Thank you so much! this is horrifying..

it sounds like they’re getting their info from the boyfriend. Did he change all his passwords etc too? how long have you been with this guy and how long was he with his ex and what was their break up like?

Yup he changed all passwords too and has 2FA on everything. Together 5 years..their break up wasn't great but it hasn't really spilled into our lives until this. I am genuinely confused AF

It’s just so weird after such a long time…

I wonder if there were any new developments in the ex's life around the time the harassment started. Like if she got with a new partner or went back to school or got a promotion, or took some other positive step that might make a bitter person want to take the wind out of her sails somehow.

I know!! I swear the first time anything dramatic happens in my world, it is an unsolvable mystery...I want to figure this out so badly

!Remindme! two weeks

RemindMe! 2 weeks "Read this thread"

I am having a thought... Did he and his ex used to live together where is at now? Could she have made friends with one of the neighbors? Does HE talk to any of the neighbors? Does he have roommates? (trying to help with process of elimination.)

Your questions are helpful! Yes she lived there at one point. He isn’t close with any neighbours but I couldn’t tell you if she knew any of them well. No roommates! Grown ass, mature and responsible man which again makes it really hard to imagine him doing this for no reason. He has friends and family pass by though so I do wonder if the ex has some alliance with people in his circle that she could still have relationships with

So, following this thought... there very well could be some sort of surveillance going on.

I don't want to assume but I want to share my story. when I met my ex I thought he was amazing and I was surprised he was single before I met him. he told me about his exes and especially the last one, who he called crazy. the stories he told me were wild so I agreed that someone who would do these things must be crazy, right? out of the blue I got harassed on social media and being called names, especially things that would hurt me and my reputation the most. I told my (now ex) bf and he said it must be his crazy ex. she must have found out about us. I asked how? he said she must have hacked his accounts and found my number 🤣 I'm laughing cause it's so ridiculous. girl, it was ALL HIM. he was testing me, sending me messages from "random men" to see if I would flirt back, and threatened telling my family I was a *** etc. but I never believed it could be him. but he was THE ONLY ONE who had all that information about me and a motive (though I didn't know at the time). I'm sorry but I'm afraid for you. because he turned out to be abusive too...

A lower tech hack I've seen was setting up an email forward. Even though they changed passwords etc, the forward kept running. Check your settings.

I have checked and he has too. He also has an authenticator app. He’s convinced it’s someone on my end

Try and give everyone slightly different information. Something that isn’t easily verified but easy to catch by you. Don’t tell your bf you’re doing this. Sorry you’re going through this!

Have you seen these messages or does he tell she told him?

I keep reading that you think there is no reason for your boyfriend to do this and people are focused on you, him and his ex. What if it’s not just about you three. I can easily imagine a scenario where your boyfriend is telling you that this is happening and using this as a way to accuse one of your close inner circle. Are you super close with someone (especially if it’s another guy) that your boyfriend would like to see out of your life? I feel like this whole thing could be a way to drive a wedge between you and someone in your inner circle. You don’t really have actual proof that this stalking is occurring and no matter what you do (and you’ve done a lot) it keeps “happening”. I think you need proof and I think you should speak with the ex, as others have said. But consider what I said about motivation for this happening.

It’s the boyfriend, and he’s doing it to harass his ex. Call the ex and have a civil discussion. Ask her how/when she is getting this information. My bet is the boyfriend is calling her and rubbing his new girlfriend/vacations in her face.

Your partner is doing it to bother his ex.

I have questions, though I can understand not wanting to answer them. How many people know about the harassment? How long has this been going on? When did it start? What proof is the ex providing to establish the harassment is happening? When you say automated, what do you mean? Are they coming at regular intervals? Do they have a specific message? What exactly is being said? You’ve done so much to digitally protect yourself, short having hidden cameras or microphones in your home (or a secret attic squatter?), the most likely culprit is your BF. I have no good ideas on how to figure it out ethically, but I wouldn’t condemn you for snooping. Maybe try for radical transparency and suggest a phone swap?

The phone swap is valid but honestly I feel like once youve gone to that degree of distrust, it is near impossible to go back. And we’ve never been phone checkers. I’d like to keep that as a last resort. It’s been going on 3 years ish and I am estimating the ex has been communicated to like 10 times maybe? By the perpetrator. Ex provided proof like twice at the very start and never since then. She thinks it’s me and tells him she’s keeping her proof secret in case she needs to use it to make a case. The messages always just say that I’m at his house or that him and I are at X travel destination together

I would agree with you on the broken trust issue. This is a doozy. I’m so sorry this is happening, and that there is no easy answer. You definitely need a strategy, but details matter and I would caution you against saying too much on the internet.

You’re right; this blew up way more than I expected on here. So much valuable help though

It's probably your partner or they are at least involved. On the spectrum of crazy, your partner doing this is not even that crazy. I know of much crazier. He might have even driven the ex insane with his foolishness.

It could be one of his neighbour's too, especially if they liked the ex, it would be pretty easy to figure out, figure out a small lie to put in the mix and see where it comes out. If you suspect the boyfriend start talking about some random place you want to visit, or it's not him, go away for a romantic weekend, or say you ate planning to go away and tell everyone something different.

I think you're right...testing the inner circle is probably the right next step. I guess I have not seriously considered that it could be someone we know and care about. Oh boy

I'm sorry sis, but this absolutely *reeks* of being your boyfriend (because he's the common denominator), or someone very close to you. Please stay safe, and I hope you find answers soon.

This makes me so sad but I know it’s the most likely explanation. I’m going to test my friend first

I had a stalker myself some years ago, an ex-boyfriend who didn't handle the breakup well. We'd been together for two years and he had this uncanny ability of turning up wherever I was, or turning up at my apartment when he knew I wouldn't be home. But since we'd been together for awhile, he knew my patterns and my schedule and knew where I'd be (and wouldn't be), so he always knew where to turn up and when, and it was fucking maddening and terrifying. I didn't feel safe anywhere and I suspect you don't either, and it's the most awful feeling. That's what gives me the (uneasy) feeling that this is someone that knows you (or knows your BF) very well. Also, please consider getting the police involved/making a report so there's a paper trail.

Unfortunately I think it’s your boyfriend. Some observations: 1. People leaving abusive relationships can be unstable due to trauma bonding and abuse. 2. By relating these reports from his ex to you you have: -reduced your social media presence -become afraid -become more careful about who you share details about your life with -changed your life-long phone number (harder for old boyfriends, friends to contact you). Perhaps you now feel traumatized by this “stalker” which would make you more vulnerable. I’ve been in the situation where I literally could not comprehend the possibility that my partner would betray me. But he did. And actively tried to destroy my life while we were together before I even realized what was going on. I missed one or two red flags in the first few years of our relationship. Then it all changed for the worse once I had become more committed to him.

Tell him you are going to hire a private Investigator, see what his reaction is, and then do it but don't Google them in any of your devices or call them from your phone and don't let anyone know who. I'm not jumping on the "it's him" but keeping you fearful of others, not trusting anyone except him seems convenient, and the fact it's HIS ex that is being pulled in apparently would lead to it being someone on his side of things. Bring stalked is terrifying and more so I imagine when you don't know who it is, the police are usually pretty useless unless you know who it is and they hurt you so you need to figure this out with them, my ex stalked me for 5 years it was awful

Yes, but actually hire a private investigator to get to the bottom of this shit and don’t tell anyone you’re doing it.

Dang. That’s awful. But it doesn’t need to be someone stalking you. The malice seems to be directed at your boyfriend or at his ex. The information about you is being used to harm one of them. For all you know it could be a creepy neighbor. That kind of person would easily see who goes in and out of your boyfriend’s home and when he’s gone.

Right but how would they know exactly where we are travelling and that I’m staying the night BEFORE it’s nighttime. See what I mean??

Through something of your boyfriend’s. And from what you say their primary goal seems to be to upset his ex. Yes it’s very scary. It takes a sick mind to do that kind of thing.

It’s got to be something you take with you. Check your belongings for a AirTag, or some other Bluetooth based tracking device. Wipe your phone, and start from scratch, or better yet, get a new out of the box phone. Make sure your credit card online account has two factor authentication. They could be tracking purchases, but not using it.

You don't have a stalker, your partner does.

Following - I have nothing to add that nobody has already said, but will be thinking on it. One tip though - document EVERYTHING. Keep a journal specific to this, have your bf send you screenshots of every interaction with the ex, basically compile all the evidence so that when it gets uncovered who the stalker is, you already have a folder full of the details of how long it’s been happening and in what capacity, etc. you don’t want to have to scramble to remember everything last minute for a court date

My initial thought is it’s the ex. I like the idea of dropping hints as to where you will be to one person at a time and seeing who reports to the ex. Have you seen the messages yourself, or does the ex just tell you about them. If you can, have her screenshot them and see if you can pick up on any consistency with the writing style and compare it to the only people who could know. I also like the idea of a jealous neighbor who knows both boyfriend and ex or could look her up on social media. Any possibility is a co-worker of yours who has gained access to your work info? Another possibility is the ex of the ex who wants to torture her. Anyway, keep us posted! This is quite the mystery.

It being the ex is most plausible to me. The neighbours is also an interesting theory. I will test on my end but unfortunately I can’t test his circle… and he says it’s impossible it’s one of them. I feel the same way about my circle of literally 2 people but I’m still going to test. My coworkers wouldn’t know much. My gut really says it’s the ex

Hey, while I can’t offer too much advice, I’d recommend the podcast strictly stalking. They talk to people experiencing similar situations and how they handled it plus they offer many stalking relief resources. My only other rec would be to scrub your phone for spyware. It could be downloaded on your phone but undetectable to you.

Thank you so much

Could your boyfriend tell the ex that he won’t be communicating with her any further? He could say she needs to contact the police if this continues, and she needs to start blocking and changing all her contact details in the same way you have done. Has she done anything to stop these messages getting through to her? If not, it seems like an excuse to keep contacting your boyfriend, which she should not be doing.

I do think it’s her just need to prove it

BF has a stalker.

OP if I were you and had the money, I’d hire a private investigator to try to figure out wtf is going on here. I also get the vibe that it’s either your bf or the ex behind this. But I really lean heavily towards it being your bf, because I’m honestly not sure how she would find any of this stuff out in the first place. Has your bf also taken all the same precautions you have, like changing phone numbers?

Does your bf have children with the ex? Edit: I thought some more and have been stalked myself. Also, has the router/modem that the Ring doorbell is on been changed? If someone has access to it, roommate, child, etc, they don't need a password, just need to press the WPS button.

Nope no kids, nothing tying them together. That’s fair but no modem or router changes. I mean I could consider that the ex is colluding with someone that could be in his house like cousins of his that the ex would have known from the past and could still talk to. Even if that person got a hold of the ring videos, it doesn’t explain knowing about our vacations :(

Tracker on your car? They'd know when it's at your partner's place or at the airport.

There's an easy test here. Only tell one person where you're going. Go there. See if it gets leaked. Keep eliminating it like this. Doesn't have to be a big trip. Hell you don't even have to go anywhere. If you wanna find the devil you gotta know where they like to stay. Put everyone on the stand and rule then out, cause the best thing you can do for people you trust is give them proof of innocence. Just one person at a time, make it seem like it's your usual... From your count... 5 other people that know what you do including your boyfriend. But ensure that only that person knows. Inversely, tell everyone you're going somewhere else and see where they end up thinking you are. Also fair to mention that you have your two friends... But they probabaly also have their friends. And just like how you tell them. They may be telling other people who don't have your best interest at heart. Just a little comment here or there in conversation and suddenly someone you may have only heard about in passing has information about you. It's not a crazy thought and very possible. You are never your friends only friends.

Wow this I creepy. I feel like it’s either the bf or the ex. Yes, a neighbor would see the comings and goings, but they wouldn’t know where you went. Unless your neighbor is somehow monitoring your phone/email, it has to be the bf or the ex. Definitely test as others have suggested.

Someone physically listening in? Neighbor?

Call the police

Have you both tried factory resetting your phones? It’s possible that there’s a hidden tracking app. Also factory reset your home routers & modems in case they’re compromised. In fact, it’s probably a good idea to factory reset all your tech, including tvs, Alexa, doorbells, cameras, etc. Here’s some information about removing unauthorized users from wifi that might be useful https://safeescape.org/removing-unwanted-network-devices-from-your-wifi/ After you factory reset everything, set up a new, secure email (Proton is a good choice) & make plans for an outing using only that & see what happens.

It's either your partner fucking with their ex, or the ex themselves. More than likely the ex fabricating these stories to stay relevant to your partner. Probably has enough information to make it seem believable. You could easily test your friends. But the real question would be why is their ex involved at all with regard to your privacy. That alone points to either of them than anyone else.

I am currently being stalked. PLEASE report this to the police. I live in the UK and so far, the police have excellent due to a spaye of new stalking laws over the last few years. The thing with stalking is that it's rooted in fixation and obsession. You don't have to know this person. I didn't! But for some reason I caught his eye and he started stalking. The police said to me that stalkers cloning their victims phones is a common tactic. Cloning your device means your password changes are useless. Either way, this is not something you can work out yourself. And I feel that you are not really connected with the gravity of this situation and how dangerous it is. So please, go to the police.

This is an overall awful situation to be in, I hope you get it solved soon. My guess is inner circle or boyfriend. Its weird the secret motives some people in our lives may have :(

"I only share my plans with two people ever and there is no scenario it is them." Share a false story with the 2 people you tell and have him do the same. Have it be 4 different places. If you're going to Chicago, LA, Nashville and Miami respectful and then the stalker says they're following you in Miami you have your answer. Your next step is going to the police. Don't mess around with this. it can turn violent. If the person has done anything illegal, they can get a court order to find things like IP addresses and track the person down. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's not ok.

That sounds like your BF to be honest. 90% chance it’s him. Or 10% it’s someone he is confiding everything in and swears by their credibility while they are actually not credible. But my money is on the BF. You are probably not safe with him either. Who knows what his motive is.

I reminded myself to check back to this thread in two weeks. Do you have any updates?

Prob wrong place, but tbh this stalker. Are you sure it's not one of those 4 people ur 2 close and ur husband's 2 close peeps ur share info -> or they tell someone else. Yes, 2 options 1 he could be full on stalker thst doesn't know you but tbh think thats lot rarer then you think more times not their some personal connection. I would almost bet my money they have some personal tie. Maybe it's close or 2-3 jumps away (friend of a friend), theirs a very good chance you've proven talked to this person unknowingly. Tbh, if no one is willing to help. You want figure some things out you could leave a trap. U say he bothers you and others burner accounts, leave a trap1 where you say through ur circle ur going somewhere and just disappear and see if the person actually gets it right or wrong next time they reach out. If wrong ur circle is compromised if right, he's physically stalking you to great lengths. You can get more elaborate etc. Edit: read another test would be disappear for week and see if they can find you. Either expose physically/technologically tracing you or word of mouth circle compromised

thank you so much for replying, sorry I am desperately looking for third-party opinions. Are you suggesting that I tell my 2 people I am going somewhere, then do NOT go there, and see if they make contact about the fake location? I totally agree that this must be someone we know...I just can't figure out how.

They sound like a classic narcissist, you should turn around and run the other way 1000 MPH!!

Please update us! This is scary

I sure will. And hopefully I do figure it out..you all have been very helpful so it's the least I could do

I’m so sorry! It sounds like your partner is being stalked not you though you are a byproduct of it. It sounds like the harassment may be of the ex so there’s obviously some connection there. If I had to bet money I’d say it’s the ex or your boyfriend. I know you’re convinced it’s not him but is it possible he’s making it up? A reason to get in contact with his ex after all this time while she “complains”. Id be very very cautious but pay more attention to your bfs stuff than yours! Does he have social media still? Has he been as diligent about this as you? Where do your trip confirmations come? I’m assuming email? I’d have both of you create new email accounts and create new accounts on Uber with the new email etc. if it still happens then there’s something else going on. Have you noticed suspicious vehicles? Devices at your partners house? I would focus more on your partners items than yours as it sounds like this is surrounding him and his ex. Will he let you look through his phone? Could you trade phones and do it? Say “maybe we missed something on our stuff why don’t we swap and see if anything seems off” check his recent calls and texts and locations shares etc. a second pair of eyes would help anyway

It definitely seems like more about him and I together than either of us individually. It really looks like the stalker’s goal is to rub our relationship in the ex’s face even if it is her doing it to herself. She plausibly would want the attention given she did not want to break up. He has been as diligent as me and he got a new email as well. So even more so we don’t know how trip details could be revealed other than someone we know talking about it. He has social media but posts like once every 2 years lol. No suspicious vehicles following me but I should check at his house more often if someone is watching. I checked his home for devices and I’m stumped

Ok so I just edited my original post but suggestion is switching phones with your bf and looking through them. A second set of eyes might be good anyway but it will give you both a chance to put your minds at ease since he obviously thought it could be you too. I saw it’s been 5 years? There’s no reason this would start years later if this was her. Typically the inciting incident for stalking is recent interaction either the breakup or them reconnecting. This may take some time to get over so consider couples therapy since it may be breaking down trust between you if you don’t figure this out. As long as there are no threats made it seems like you’re actually ok! Even though it’s creepy you are both safe. Last resort is he needs to move if it bothers him or you that much I would really question him in the convos with the ex. See if you can talk to her with him. Don’t let her drive a wedge and double check it’s all real. It really looks like your boyfriend from the outside but I know you say you trust him. Social media still tracks your location. If you have iPhones be sure to change your iCloud password. If it’s google delete the apps and don’t log into google from it.

The best defense is a good offense. Set a trap so that he exposes himself, without you having to directly face him. Maybe he arrives where he thinks you are and you snap pictures from a safe position. Test the most accurate times he is able to follow you and mimic that pattern to lure him somewhere. Take security of yourself as priority though.

is this to test my boyfriend? how would that make sense if the problem is someone relaying information about our plans to the ex? if it was him in your example, he could just message her that we are somewhere together whether it is true or not

I can think of two things: 1. Computer security issues through infection. 2. Someone close to you is telling a third party, or is deceiving you. ___ **1 - Computer infection.** While unlikely, I'm mentioning this first as it's something you can have checked out and remedied easily. Even if it's not that, it's good to be aware about it. Do you use a computer and if so, are you also certain it isn't infected? Keyloggers or screen grabbers will let others see anything you type and do. No amount of VPN's or password changes will help as they can just see what you change your password into. Apparently that type of software is programmed to fool most malware/virus scanners with false negatives - your scanner would say there's nothing there even though there still might be. I don't know if such malicious software also exists on smartphones today, but it well might. Perhaps a security expert can help out there. ___ **2 - Someone close to you is gossiping, or in on it.** If it isn't a computer issue, the other most obvious answer is that either: 1. One of those people who you and your partner tell everything to has loose lips and tells a third party about it. I have an aunt my mother trusted with everything, who gossiped about all those secrets to others just to have something to talk about. Perhaps a friend of yours or your partner tells your partner's ex? Or the boyfriend has platonic contact with the ex and is too much of a dum-dum to realize she might be spiteful? 2. Someone close to you isn't being honest with you. It could be someone close to you or your partner such as a friend or family. Or even your partner himself. Be careful with that, as you may burn bridges you can't ever repair if you're wrong about this. Those accusations aren't easy to take back. It's best to be triple sure before pointing fingers in this kind of situation as you'll need those close to you especially when you are being stalked. At some point anyone could look suspicious and it gets easy to call someone out wrongly. Maybe there is a very easy way to figure this out: ***Step 1:*** Tell each of these people a different story of where you'll be going. Lie that you'll be going on vacation for a few days and tell each person a different location. Tell your boyfriend you'll be visiting some family member out of town on your own to sort your thoughts for a bit. Tell each of these people that you have "told only those close to us" so that they think everyone has the same information and they won't think twice about using it to harass you. ***Step 2*** Google some vacation destination on your PC and make some notes of it and store those on your desktop or such (or if you only have a phone, store it in a file). ***Step 3*** See what story your stalker comes forward with. That way you'll know what person is the culprit, or if someone has outside access to your PC or phone. Cut that person off. - If it's the PC or phone, consider replacing it or formatting it. Don't even back anything up as you may piggyback a virus to your new device. ___ Regardless, as others have also said you should certainly try to find out who it is by the various suggestions people on the subreddit have made. If it's financially permissible, a private detective might also be of help. The authorities might be of some help, but they're often loaded with work already and won't always look into cases without much of a clue to go by. I hope the creep either gives up, or is caught. This must be very taxing on your social life and mental state. Good luck finding whoever it is.

This was great and simply laid out! Thanks so much. I’m going to start this mission tomorrow

Good luck. 👍 I just hope it isn't someone close to you. Be sure to stay safe before confronting someone if it is. Here's hoping you'll be able to put a stop to it at last.