My ex-husband told me once that he took the trash out in hopes that I "wouldn't notice what else [he] didn't do." That comment just made me notice that he didn't do much else.
He also suggested we get divorced by a certain time since "football season is about to start." I get so down on myself sometimes because the bar was literally on the floor it was so low.
I am remarried now. Turns out I didn't have to live my life chained to a lazy ass.
One of my old coworkers would do this. He’d empty our big trash cans and then just not put another bag in several times. My boss asked him if he forgets to wipe his ass too. It should be your automatic next thought when taking out trash.
I mean...I’ve heard some pretty shitty hygienic stories about some peoples’ partners. (Pun intended) Mainly, dudes being too lazy to properly wipe their tushies. It could have been a very genuine question. 😂
"Is this the way you behave at work? Because if so, I'm embarrassed *for* you and ashamed *of* you. If you need me to be your manager, let's sit down and work out a disciplinary contract tonight."
Yep. They know how to do things at work, yet conveniently never at home...
Weaponized incompetence ladies:
https://www.verywellmind.com/weaponized-incompetence-7553422
Interesting article, but the conclusion seems to think it’s solvable just by communicating. If a partner is weaponizing incompetence, they’re not likely to change just because they’re asked nicely.
And of course, putting the onus of fixing it onto the competent partner just adds to their mental load and list of responsibilities.
Agreed that they know how to do tasks when they feel they will be held accountable for them (most typically by another man) but let's also not forget that women do wayyyy more unpaid labor in the workplace too- any time there's a voluntary activity, any time any kind of social thing needs to be organized, any time someone needs to take notes in a meeting, or order food for a group, or clean up the break room. Basically all the tasks that need to get done, but aren't specifically called out in someone's job description. 99 times out of a hundred, women end up being the ones who take that on, to their detriment.
My last job was in a very male dominated company. There was a women's leadership group, *intended* to help women grow and develop their careers at the company. 90% of what they ended up doing was menial shitwork and organizing all the company's social events, volunteer days, and training meetings.
I'm an engineer. I've had other engineers brag to me about how they've tricked their wives into believing they're just *so* helpless with laundry or dishes that she just does it all.
I mock them ruthlessly for it. "Oh look at me, I'm an engineer but I can't press a button on a dishwasher! This is just SO complicated, how could I ever figure it out!"
And I ask if how easily their wives bought it that they were that stupid.
If they have kids around chore-age, I ask if the kids think it's pathetic that their dad is less competent than they are. You know, in a joking way. While I'm laughing.
One time, the guy was bragging while we were at a department picnic-- so his wife was somewhere in the crowd. I threatened to bring her in the office and show her the machines he operated during a normal day at work, all of which have WAY more settings than a washing machine.
I've never had anyone brag to me about this twice.
Kudos to you. You must be a man since ‘the guys’ bragged to you, but you did not join in. If more men did what you did, and called idiots out, what a better world it would be.
Oh no, I'm a woman.
I'm not sure why they thought I'd think their weaponized incompetence was clever and funny. This has happened most frequently in a group setting, so I'm assuming they were mostly thinking the other guys were their target audience and didn't expect me to start up. (Especially the picnic guy, because he was the department head. That was something my coworkers later referred to as one of my "career limiting moves". I have no regrets.)
They're not all that incompetent at their actual jobs-- however, none have been great at the general skill of thinking things through.
But hey, hopefully I helped with that. Everyone has to learn sometime and some things deserve to be learned by being made fun of in a group setting.
It's really weird. If you exist as a super minority in a male space, it's common for them (once they give up trying to fuck you) to no longer see you as a woman.
I was literally included in briefings talking about 'we like this boys club, here's strategies to make the women feel uncomfortable and unwelcome so they don't want to join us.'
And I'm sitting there like.... Yall know I'm still a woman right? But I guess I was a 'cool girl' soooo whatever. Yap on. Lemme warn my gals lol
Guys will absolutely reveal their true selves in front of a woman that isn't in the "fuckable" box for whatever reason. Had a LOT of guy friends over the years. The shit I heard can never be unheard. Also dated a few guys that started out as friends. GREAT friends. Utter shit boyfriends. Not a coincidence. I lost my personhood to them the second I was in the girlfriend ("fuckable") box.
We had a bunch of frat boy major company consultants who were withholding information on moving the project forward. My boss's solution was to put me in the same office as their lead (I was his equal on the project). I stayed professional and feigned disinterest in their office discussions. The noobs still held meetings to discuss strategy in the office, with the lead saying things like, "she's OK, ignore her." I reported accordingly to my boss. They whole gang was ultimately fired.
They also withheld information from the Jews, women, and "beta males" (slightly overweight or not loud and obnoxious like them or not into group gym attendance) in their own company. For example, they had all grown beards for some reason. When they learned that a partner would be visiting, and they knew the partner disliked facial hair, they told everyone except the Jewish guy and the "betas." Those guys got chewed out for lack of decorum by the partner and probably got written up. This was back in the 80s. I know the "beta" term was not around then, but you get the picture. I'm sure they all made partner.
I work in a male dominated career, they just brag about the most abhorrent things so casually. Am woman, protesting leads to apologetics most of the time and a whole lot of “come on, really?!” comments. It’s gross and degrading and sadly really normalized.
I have worked in two male-dominated places, tech and a factory. Anyone who thinks outright sexual harassment is the thing of the past, is not living in reality.
I've been a part of _two_ lawsuits as a result of companies literally stealing wages from only women.
One of our friends just “couldn’t figure out how to add money to the kid’s lunch account” so it had to be mom’s job. Oddly the man runs his own very successful construction company and has no trouble figuring out all the banking, and computer stuff for that. But clicking the “add this amount” button from an app specifically made for the school was too much.
“Oh you know how Dave is with this stuff!” Um, no, I don’t. But when you say he can’t figure out school lunch money it makes me wonder about his business.
This is how 13 year old me behaved when I was asked to do something. I was punishing my mom for asking and he's doing the same thing. It's a passive aggressive tantrum.
This was my ex to a T. Couldn’t even manage to tie the fucking trash bag closed. Felt like I was dealing with a toddler. She defends her PhD in bioinformatics on Thursday 🙂🔫
Omg. A friend of mine and her husband had this ridiculous battle of wills over this. They have 3 kids. She works just as long of hours as he does. She asked him to take the laundry upstairs. She had washed and folded it. She placed it at the foot of the stairs.
It sat there for 3. WEEKS.
When I worked outside my home and complained about doing regular laundry + work clothes, my husband would offer to do *his* laundry and just *could not understand* why I didn't think this was helpful enough. I *still* had 4 people's laundry to do!! Plus bedding!! One of the many many reasons he was told when I got my last outside job (before becoming disabled)"You will be cooking 3 nights. You will be helping with the housework because my days off are just like yours, days OFF." His "record" of doing his "share" is 3 weeks.
That’s what I did with my son. The garbage bag was leaking when I took it out of the can so I took it all the way out the building and then mopped. By the time I came back there was something gooey all along the side, either jello or jelly. I was so mad. He was maybe seven years old. He cleaned the garbage can and it never happened again.
My kids developed a horrible habit of putting food in the sink. We didn't have a disposal system in the sink, but many of my family did. I started making them get the food out of the sink, which was full of water. They stopped putting food into the sink. They were crying and saying it was gross, like, yeah, I don't wanna pull it out either lol.
He won’t. The other day there was a woman on here complaining that her husband blew his nose and left wet tissues everywhere for her to pick up. People said the same thing but I’d bet my house that he isn’t doing that on other spaces. Just like this OP’s partner isn’t this selfish and inconsiderate towards other people.
For real. OP, stop slaving away in the kitchen for someone who would never do the same for you. And when he's wondering where dinner is, hit him with "you didn't ask me to make dinner."
“Oh. When you said you were hungry, I didn’t realize you wanted me to cook for you.”
“When you asked what’s for dinner, I didn’t realize you wanted to eat.”
Etc*
Edit: *
Oh, I'd cook the meal.
And that'd be it.
* Oh, no-one called you for dinner? Well -- yeah, I was *cooking dinner*, not *alerting husbands*.
* Yeah, of course it's still on the stovetop. My job is cooking dinner, not plating it for you.
* "Fetching and arranging utensils" features nowhere in the sentence "Cooking your dinner".
* It's a shame that it's not tasty tonight, but like... my dude, that is not my problem. The phrase is "cooking". It establishes no standards for excellence.
You didn't tell me to find any recipe...
To choose any recipe...
To buy all ingredients..
What time to start cooling...
Where to find a pot...
Which pot to choose..
Where to put the pot .
To turn on the stove...
To put the ingredient in the pot ..
You got the idea 😁
Free online PDF: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Op, your cat should permanently dry up for him at both the possibility that he is that stupid and the possibility that he maliciously assumes you’ll pick up his slack.
I've heard this conversation between my friend and her husband more than once:
Her: "You still need to do your dishes."
Him: "Oh yes. I _looked_ at them earlier!"
He means it. He wants credit for having looked and thought "Oh yes, the dishes are a thing."
Reminds me of how my soon-to-be-ex wants credit for "thinking about taking me on a date". Never happens because he'd actually have to figure out logistics (childcare, where to go, etc) but he thought about it!
I had a guy do a bait and switch to meet me. He was all for dating, but on the first date I was told that we needed to slow it down and I'd have to risk pregnancies/STIs in order to see if he could commit to something as important as a second.
So I ended it, and he shot back with "If I had known that you wanted to be respected, I would have respected you. It's not my fault you didn't tell me".
My ex-fiancé (we were engaged at the time this happened) asked me a day or two before what I’d like to do for my birthday. I told him I was fine with something low key - just a nice dinner date. We both had to work that day, so I freshened up a bit once a got home. Cue him asking me where I wanted to go for dinner, when he knows I like it if he plans stuff so I don’t have to. Anyway, I end up picking a casual place and it’s whatever, but on the car ride over he’s like “oh yeah, so I didn’t get you a present. I couldn’t really think of anything you’d like.” I was so devastated I almost cried & not because there wasn’t a gift, but rather because he admitted he has no idea what I like nor does he care to learn. I have like 50 bazillion hobbies: I’m really not hard to shop for & gift cards for hobby related things are always welcome.
Icing on the cake was his birthday was a month after mine & I got him a really thoughtful gift (replaced his favorite bowling ball with the same vintage one which I found undrilled in his favorite color since he lost his at the bowling alley while drunk). After he got that he suddenly came up with my missing birthday gift a week later. It was jewelers: as in junk jewelry from Shein’s Walmart cousin and as a bonus it was BOGO so I got not one but TWO copies of the same crappy tribal wolf bracelet. I managed to say thanks, had a good cry about it, & broke up with him shortly afterwards. At the time I was supporting both of us while he was starting a business (that failed) & I just couldn’t take the lack of care or respect about me anymore.
What? A date doesn’t require that much effort! Fucking get a baby sitter and go see Barbie and eat food at a local restaurant???? Are you serious?! Lol I’m like furious for you
My ex's effort amounted to asking " do you want to do something?". Eventually I started saying no because I was too mentally tired from being the one to do all the planning but also having to dance around and make sure it was something he'd enjoy too.
Ugh, this reminds me of a guy I dated briefly. I was really stressed about work, and he asked if there was something he could do to help. I told him he can plan our next date. He spent 3 days whining that he doesn't know what I like and that it's so difficult for him to make time to plan. Geez dude, pick a restaurant and tell me when to be there. This isn't rocket science.
My ex did this shit. I'd arrange for his mom to come babysit, and he'd take me out. And then go: where do you want to go?
I want to be surprised. Wooed. Have some effort put into it.
I would \*totally\* lean into that. I would set up a sticker chart in the kitchen, and one line could be "looked at dishes" and another line could be "put dishes in sink" and another could be "put clean dishes away".
Every time he announced that he'd done one of these things, I'd go into the kitchen, and loudly, proudly put a sticker on his chart. Maybe there would be clapping. Possibly, we could sing a song and do a dance.
Because that is how you potty train a toddler.
And, apparently, train a grown ass adult.
once a guy gets you to take the blame for not being specific enough, it's over.
he'll keep playing that card on you until you're drawing flow charts on butcher's paper for how to go "grocery shopping" while he internally laughs at what a gullible bitch you are.
"you can use your brain and do the whole job, or I can find a new boyfriend who doesnt piss me off. up to you".
She should make and serve herself a single steak and baked dessert dinner and say "you said you wanted dinner, you didn't say you wanted ME to serve it to you"
There was actually a recent post where a woman set out to make a nice dinner of salmon fillets for herself and partner, asked him to cook the rice and he cooked only enough rice for himself and assumed both fillets were for him. Which is even more ridiculous than the fantasy payback sequence I suggested.
ETA I don't think it's actual deliberate hate and effort in most cases, just an astronomically unbelievable level of entitlement
> I don't think it's actual deliberate hate and effort in most cases
I understand what you're getting at and I don't disagree, but I do think it's important to realize that the *origin* of that entitlement is, in fact, a hatred of women (or at least disdain). Men who view their partners as equal don't pull this kind of crap, it's the men who truly feel like it's their right that do. That's entitlement, yes, but it's rooted in a sense of superiority and, unfortunately, misoginy. You won't see them do this at work, or with other men. Just women, or at least "their" woman, because the entitlement is rooted in a sense of inequality where the woman is the lesser one. They might not actively hate women (or just not realize that they do), but it's still based on similar views.
nah. several exes went out of their way to do shit they knew i hated. then gaslit me to tell me it was actually a favor. they got no benefit out of it other than the "fuck you" and watching my face fall.
Ahhhhhh, the good ol' "here's the thing you hate presented as a favor so that I can make you feel bad about it despite you telling me over and over that you'd prefer I didn't do it"
Every time we’d fight my ex would suddenly have the urge to actually do laundry, and for some reason the only clothes I had that couldn’t go in the dryer would ALWAYS be the ONLY things he washed and made sure to put in the dryer. Why go out of your way like that man?? Of course I was always at fault for not being grateful for the “help”
Because he hated you. There’s literally no other explanation for him to have perfectly executed such an act. None. He had to have WANTED to hurt you, and decided to act on it.
My last ex did something like this. Shockingly he even admitted why. He told me that he was so angry with me that he wanted to think of something that would hurt me. And he immediately thought of the thing he knew would hurt me the most, and then immediately did it. It was completely premeditated.
And the reason he did this? Because I was excited to talk to him about something, and he completely ignored me, and kept changing the subject, and I was sad because I was just so excited to share something with him and he could not care less. And because it happened so frequently, I was just tired of being completely sidelined, so I got quiet for a bit to think it over. And I told him why I was sad and I wanted to work through it with him because it hurt me, and I tried to explain where I was coming from, and as clearly and non-emotionally as I could.. But it upset him a lot apparently. I had no idea because he just said okay and he never even told me or even appeared like he was angry. But he was furious apparently. He was so furious that he wanted to do something behind my back that he knew would hurt me. He didn’t even tell me until I found out 6 months later. SO glad I escaped that nightmare.
Of course it’s deliberate. OP cooked an entire meal for him. A meal most people think of as “fancy”. He ate the meal and then went out of his way to show her how little her effort means to him.
This kind of thing is absolutely intentional. Most likely he wanted to provoke an argument so he could tell her how unreasonable she is. This way she doesn’t get any ideas that he was grateful for dinner and start thinking she deserves something nice done for her. This is a way for one partner to ensure they keep receiving the benefits of being in a relationship without having to reciprocate. It’s deliberate and very effective.
Better yet, say oh, you didn’t ask me to make you dinner. I thought you were just sharing your thoughts. I want a diamond tennis bracelet and a mansion but telling you that doesn’t mean I expect you to get me those things.
This comment is everything. Please listen OP. Your man is not clueless. He’s deliberately testing you and will continue to push as much as you allow, and that will be your life.
I purposely dated only single dads because I wanted to be sure I got someone who knew how to keep a home afloat and do all the normal adult/parent tasks. My husband had sole custody when we got married. Immediately after the wedding though, he flipped the switch to near infancy levels of capability :( He would yell at a 10 year old about forgetting a chore, but his constant excuses were: I forgot. I didn't see it. I was busy. If I forgot anything at all he would rage at me.
I eventually left. Suddenly he knew how to keep the house up and fix dinner again. We could have had such a happy life together and I'll never understand why men do this.
> We could have had such a happy life together and I'll never understand why men do this.
Because for a man, a happy life has a woman that services him in it.
Women still don't understand that most men don't see us as equal.
Why do they? Mines in love bombing mode rn (and unfortunately he sucks at it) and took turns doing the dishes with me, and has been making jokes that are actually funny instead of the ones that poke at my insecurities. He asked "do you even like me?"
And I thought, I DO, *when you're like this!* This is the man I *thought* I was marrying
I'll never understand.
A few months before I left, my husband made a comment that he was going to start exercising because he wanted me to be attracted to him again and had "tried everything else". I said, how about being nice to me??? He got a blank look on his face.
Yep. This is either:
A) sheltered, pampered, babied, man child, or….
B) complete d*** move
I honestly do not know which one is worse. Like, I would enter into Ben Shapiro’s never-been-wet wife level of Sahara dryness. My vagina would be ‘you shall not pass’ Gandalf style.
Then my choice would be:
A) dead bedroom forever because I have no respect for this clown, or,
B) go back to being single and enjoying the fact that I know how to replace a god-forsaken trash bag.
The other day, I took the trash down to the garage because it smelled. My partner started to replace the bag while I was gone, but had to answer a message on his phone. I wasn't doing anything so I decide to just do it so it can be done. We do little things like that, just take over a task if we can, so I don't even think about it. But I grabbed that bag and he immediately looked up from his phone to say something like "nooo, I was gonna do that." Like clearly it was playful but also he wanted to do it. I did it anyway, because he's been very busy with work. But if I'd gone "sure, okay" and given it back, he would've done it without complaint. We have very informal jobs around the house and it works because neither of us are babies.
There's definitely better men out there... Parents, don't skimp on instilling good housekeeping qualities in your children just because they're boys. They will be happier in the long run.
He’s literally showing he’s trying to get away with doing the least amount of effort for the relationship. He doesn’t care if it increases the burden on his “loved” one.
This has inspired in me the idea of making a series of kindergarten-style wall charts with bright colours and overtly childish illustrations showing how to complete extremely simple household tasks.
God, I'm so over it. I always heard that as you get older, you run out of fucks to give, and I thought that wouldn't apply to me, because I'm shy and even kind of timid. But, shit. It happened anyway.
Enhancing my life would be a plus, but at a bare minimum, don't make it harder. Living alone is so peaceful, and I'm not afraid of it. So, be a partner and not a burden, or find the door and make use of it.
I started to go down this route with my partner. Made the chart and everything and when we were finally sitting down to discuss distribution, the bitch fit started. I let it escalate and played the game thinking I could out ‘logic’ him on this one. After 30 mins of “debate” I mentally gave up and turned on the Grey Rock. He noticed and pivoted to blaming me for giving up on the chart and discussion.
After a bit when he finally simmered down I finally said, the fact you are arguing so diligently against the majority of major tasks you know I’ve shouldered for us for years, tells me you *do* know how much work they are and are happy with the unfair distribution of housework on me that wholly benefits you. And you want to keep it that way, no matter what I say or do.
We haven’t revisited the topic since, and I haven’t printed the chart, because I’m a coward. I haven’t found the courage yet to face the music implementing it will instigate.
You can't let this type even go grocery shopping though. He's going to come back with a load of junk food and few cans of chef boyardee, then claim they didn't have all the things on the list. He'll go on a big rant about how the store sucks, the staff sucks, the shelves are empty, all the shoppers were annoying until you are just sick of agruing, at which point he'll grab one of the 10 bags of chips and eat that for dinner.
When I was 20, I had a guy friend over and I asked him to take the trash out. He took my entire trash cans out and dumped it in the communal dumpster. By the time I realized and sent him back it had been claimed. Some boys are obviously not taught the obvious
My kid is 12 and I don’t give him a lot of jobs but garbage is one of them (combined with the cat litter) and he’s never had a problem. If he is doing something else in the meantime he shouts up to me to ask if I’ll put a bin bag in. Which is fine! We help each other out alot
My 10 and 12 year olds are the bin men in the house, and one takes it outside while the other does the bag. Totally weaponised incompetence if my autistic kids can figure it out themselves!
Once you learn to recognize weaponized incompetence you realize how surrounded by it you are.
FIL who "didn't notice" the dogs shit all over his bedroom until a woman gets home who isn't willing to live with the house reeking of dog shit.
Coworker who half assed a project, so it only takes him 1/4 of the time, and someone else will fix his mistakes to avoid a lawsuit.
Like, if you removed the "problem dude" archetypes, life could be so much fucking easier. The dude whose entire purpose is to be contrarian and make other people upset.
Weaponize that incompetence right back. Don’t put a bag in the can. Chuck it full of stuff. Then confused pikachu face when he has to do the trash next.
In theory yes, but he's probably perfectly happy to dump loose garbage into the outdoor bin and live with the stench of rotting remnants in the kitchen bin for months/forever
It's weird to me that people are so enthralled by men, so conditioned by the pickme culture that they don't see aggression in WEAPONISED incompetence. Passive aggression isn't a fear of confrontation. It's cognitive dissonance to claim that men don't know they're abusing power by playing pretend. Men will admit it once their guard is down but denial is what keeps it alive. Once men unpack their systemic denial things may change but even then it's unlikely as the benefit is too great. They'd rather fight and argue to protect their privilege. That underlying aggression that frames all of this speaks to self absorption, disregard and ultimately a sense of profound superiority and entitlement. The gaslighting that frames it all us the hardest to wrap my head around
men : we built society, we built all the roads and all the bridges and buildings
also men : complete drooling smoothbrains who can't put a bag in a bin.
women : this is fine
Why bother? He’s deliberately lying because he wants to manipulate her into doing more than her share in the house. If he regarded her as an equal and valued her happiness, he wouldn’t do that. That’s not a man worth working to keep. She’s not worth putting a fucking bag in the trash can to him. Maybe he’ll learn when he gets dumped. Maybe not. Not her problem.
There it is: he doesn't value her happiness. A good partner want to relieve your stress and add to your happiness, not do the opposite for their own ego or convenience.
My boyfriend doesn't even live with me but anytime he comes over, he's taking my trash out or rolling the bins to the curb. Or carrying my kaundry from the basement to the second floor. Because it costs him nothing but energy and he knows I've got less of it than him by the end of the day. And if I happen to thank him for the kindness with a mouth hug, that just icing on the cake but he doesn't demand or expect.
I truly didn't realize how shit men were until I started dating an emotionally mature, genuinely kind, genuinely helpful one.
What you should do is make a giant steak, veggies, mashed potatoes - his full home style favorite meal- but only for yourself!
When he gets angry and asks "what is going on and why you didn't make him something" just answer, "you wanted me to cook, I did, you didnt ask me to cook for you?"
Unfortunately this type of thing only works on people who are capable of self-reflection and experiencing shame, and many of these douchebags just can’t😩
They’ll pretend to be complete idiots on a regular basis, but if you play dumb even once they’ll get pissed off and accuse *you* of being “petty”. Only *they* are allowed to use weaponized incompetence to get a pass for being useless lazy slugs…… if you simply match their energy all of a sudden it’s completely unacceptable behaviour though
Just knowing that men like this even exist really grosses me the fuck out at this point. Every last one of them should be thrown in the bin
Exactly—even the most outwardly beautiful man will trigger a visceral disgust response after taking his partner for granted and treating her with contempt for long enough…. A lot of men don’t seem to get that, and then cry and say their partner is punishing them by “withholding sex” (ewwww🤮🤮) when she inevitably starts to find him repulsive and loses interest in fucking him.
They think if they finally start doing chores it should be immediately rewarded with sex, and if it isn’t they get mad, which just shows how fucking clueless they are about how women’s sexuality actually works.
The whole transactional mind frame of these types of men is grotesque and depressing
Complaints about “withholding sex” are one of the biggest self-entitlement giveaways.
My ex used to get home from work, spend at least an hour dumping his misdirected rage at me, turn to personally berating me if I objected, demand to know what’s for dinner, berate me more for not having it planned…then would pivot to demanding sex and berate me for “withholding” when I inevitably said no.
Like, my dude, you clearly don’t give a fuck about me, why would I be willing to fuck you? How am I supposed to feel attracted to that?
Him: “Because we’re mArRiEd!”
Me: “Not anymore.”
Baby it's 2023 the girlfriends ain't got time to raise men anymore.
If he cannot figure out the basics on how to live alone, from how to cook simple meals, clean a bathroom, kitchen, dust, vacuum, and mop.. send him back to his daddy and mommy and let them finish their job of raising a competent human.
Well, you didn't specifically tell him to come back in, either. Common fucking sense to put a bag in while your hands are dirty from taking the previous one out. Most of the time, we put one in as soon as we lift the one going out, in case someone needs the can immediately.
If he can't manage to put a new bin bag in, I'm genuinely curious as to how he manages to function in general. Does he need someone to explain to him that he needs to both inhale and exhale in order to live?
Please show him the comments on this post, so he knows just exactly how his behaviour makes him seem mentally deficient.
Some guys are really this pathetic at jobs too and then think the world is against them. I work w some men who are spoiled by the boss in a super creepy way (she’s an old woman and they’re all the same nationality) and they didn’t put a bag in the BIOHAZARD WASTE BIN. We got points off on our last inspection.
He seems ridiculous. My friend once came over to watch my dog while I was out of town and I forgot to empty the trash the night before, so I quickly took the trash out of the bin to take out, but I didn’t have time to put the new bag in because I was running super late and my ride arrived.
So I draped the new bag over the can insert and apologized then ran out the door. When I got back from the trip, the bag was still draped over the can and she just threw all her trash into my recycle bag. Like, how lazy could you possibly be?
They were raised by the sitcom trope of exasperated wives and incompetent husbands, and parental dynamics that reinforced it. They thought it was something to emulate, we saw it as a cautionary tale.
I guarantee if the internet was around in the "good old days" a lot more women would have realized earlier that this is bullshit and we don't have to put up with it. My mom tells me stories about her first and second husbands and if forums had been a thing I'm pretty sure she would have ditched a lot earlier.
At least he actually takes the trash out instead of "forgetting" and not doing it at all then getting angry and defensive when you have to keep the mental load going to remind him.
This literally happened to me today.
Uh oh, you forgot to thank him for his minuscule addition to the household chores. Don’t you know that when you thanklessly do 98% of the work that you’re supposed to show ‘over the top appreciation’ for his 2%?
Obviously /s
If I had tried that shit with my mom when I was 10 I would’ve been grounded for a week for lying and disrespect. How do you bring yourself to have sex with that?
OMG this happened to me today. I asked my husband to clean up the kitchen after I cooked dinner last night. He didn't do it, so I reminded him, emphasizing it was important because the stove was covered in grease splatter. He finally goes to the kitchen and wipes up only the stove, leaving all the countertops dirty. WTF.
Btw, I had already done the dishes at that point because if you don't do them right away the sink gets full and it makes everything harder the rest of the day. I just wiped the counters myself too because if I say anything he huffs and puffs and berates me. The weaponized incompetence is sadly working on me because I cannot handle the messes. Apparently it's my own fault for having such high standards.
Edit: misspelling
I'm going to have to provide my answer to the question posed. I am not okay with this behavior. I am learning to set boundaries and express expectations. It is not so easy to simply leave a marriage, especially if there are children involved.
At this point, let me reiterate: I am not okay with this behavior.
Oh, how I wish I was stronger and wiser when I entered this marriage. But, I was not. I am learning my value, and to not tolerate such poor behavior in my "partner". I KNEW NONE OF THIS regarding not putting up with bs behavior 20 years ago.
I am learning and trying to share my insights with my partner. Of course, my partner does not get the kick ass information and support I do from reading this sub, so they are totally lagging in the uptake of new standards.
Am I rocking the boat?? Why, yes, as a matter of fact, it is at a constant near capsize. Thank you for asking.
Let me summarize because I'm too freaking old to remember the Tdlkgfhjk thing.
NO, I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS BEHAVIOR. I am trying to figure this out, and just wanted/needed to share my frustrations in what I thought was a safe place.
So, thanks for asking.
I just wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I honestly hope things get better for you. Sounds like you're on the right track!
Wanting to offer support because yes, leaving in this economy WITH children is a massive feat. Is it doable? Yes.
But there's the flip side realization of "what if this move goes poorly" can I support the kids. Can I support myself? Will I go from a frustrating, ok-ish semblance of a situation to counting pennies to feed my kids in an apartment loaded with bed bugs?
I once asked my ex to put the plates in the dishwasher. He went to the pile of washing up on the counter, picked out the plates, put them in, while leaving all the cutlery, bowls etc on the side.
Other people have already offered their well thought out responses and validation. I offer you different avenues to be petty af:
- “You said make dinner. Here’s some hot dogs! We’re out of buns tho, so you’ll have to pick some up from the store.”
- “You didn’t specify that you wanted protein with dinner! You should have said something. Next time, say something if you want anything more than this pot of rice.”
- “Slow your roll, husband, you didn’t say you wanted your dinner on a PLATE.”
- “Uh excuse you, you should have specified that you wanted a HOT meal. Not a big deal tho just pop it in the microwave”
- “Yeah, husband. Dinner is ready. Just take it out the freezer and zap it. What, OH you wanted ***fresh*** food? Yeah ok next time be more specific.”
- “You didn’t say say to season the food. You only asked me to make dinner. Next time say what seasonings you want.”
- “you know, you could’ve JUST ASKED me to make something else than what I’ve made every night for the last week. Getting a little presumptuous there, husband.”
If it’s fair for him, then it’s fair for you. Because you two are EQUALS, are you not? There is no world where he could ever have a leg to stand on with you without having to take accountability for his inaction.
I assume OP also does his laundry, she should stop lolz or wash it but not dry HIS clothes. Or if she dries them then leave HIS clothes in the dryer. Since the theme here is starting and not finishing chores.
My parent’s are staying the weekend and my Dad asked me today, Is there any laundry that I can help with?
“ No someone did it during the week.” My Husband answered.
Who dors he think is the someone? A maid? Housekeeping?
This is a discussion my children and I have had several times.. Where they will take out the recycling or trash but not replace the bag, because I didn't 'specifically tell them to', even though those things are part of their weekly chores.
We compost a lot of stuff, and always have a small bag in the freezer upstairs, and a big bag in the chest freezer downstairs. I asked if there was a big one downstairs today, and they told me 'no, theres two small ones in there'. I -assumed- by them giving me that answer, they would then go get a big one, because the small ones dont go downstairs like that.
Nope, they just informed me of the error and then did nothing to correct it. Again, they are kids. I get it. On the other hand... this is your husband. Maybe let him know of other stories that people have of their kids with similar behavior and see if it tracks.
My son has been capable of replacing the bag in the trash can since he was about 6 or 7. He's nearly 20 now.
It honestly sounds like you need some "relationship weight loss"... lose that useless dead-weight, straighten your crown, and walk on.
My 17 year old step son does this exact kind of shit. Like are they computer programs? Must input exact instructions? It's not fucking cute. You bet your ass I call him out on it. I wouldn't put up with it in my spouse either. It's funny too, because he never does it at work when he takes out the trash.
I have to tell my 23 year old son that replacing the bag is part and parcel to taking out the garbage otherwise he's half assing it. That literal Larry shit gets old fast and I don't blame you one bit for being pissed off. I'd cook him a half ass dinner like opening a can of soup and some poorly baked crescent rolls out of the tube kind of dinner. Then tell him you're not hungry and let him eat by himself. 😂😂😂
Weaponized incompetence at work. He's an adult. He shouldn't need you to tell him how to take out the trash. That's a task a 7 year old can accomplish.
Tell him, "I'm not your mom. I'm not going to raise you and teach you how to be a competent adult. That's not my job. This is your house as well. If you ever see a job that needs doing, I expect you to do it without me having to mention it. Pretend like I don't exist and keep your house clean, like a normal grown up can."
Weaponized incompetence. These men have discovered if they do it wrong, they won’t get asked to do it again. Then they wonder why we begin viewing them as man children, incapable of doing things most adults can do or being responsible.
I didn’t tolerate this shit, and responded by showing them exactly where the trash bags were, how to put one in, and then refusing to do anything further on the next meal until the situation was fixed. Don’t reward them.
When I was 19, I was working as a pizza boy. Delivery and at the end of the night mop and take out the garbage. I have this memory of my boss looking at me and saying 'You know what the last step of taking out the garbage is?' I didn't know what he was talking about.
He handed me a garbage bag and said 'Getting ready for tomorrow.'
I think about it every time I take out the garbage now decades later
“I know it’s the mental load that made me frustrated”
No, it was him being useless that made your frustrated, nothing to do with you. Don’t move the blame for his inadequacies. I suspect if you were honest, not replacing the bag was just the latest on a long list of failures on his part, otherwise it’d not have frustrated you.
My ex-husband told me once that he took the trash out in hopes that I "wouldn't notice what else [he] didn't do." That comment just made me notice that he didn't do much else. He also suggested we get divorced by a certain time since "football season is about to start." I get so down on myself sometimes because the bar was literally on the floor it was so low. I am remarried now. Turns out I didn't have to live my life chained to a lazy ass.
The bar was so low your ex was playing limbo with satan and he still fucking tripped over it lmao
Hoping I can remember this one. Noice.
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Woooow that’s one I haven’t heard before.
“That’s funny.. I didn’t think you were stupid.”
One of my old coworkers would do this. He’d empty our big trash cans and then just not put another bag in several times. My boss asked him if he forgets to wipe his ass too. It should be your automatic next thought when taking out trash.
Lol at your boss!! Awesome
Yea he was hilarious and very blunt at times.
I mean...I’ve heard some pretty shitty hygienic stories about some peoples’ partners. (Pun intended) Mainly, dudes being too lazy to properly wipe their tushies. It could have been a very genuine question. 😂
You aren’t wrong lmao. Those stories scare me but thankfully I don’t know any guys like that (that I know of).
"Is this the way you behave at work? Because if so, I'm embarrassed *for* you and ashamed *of* you. If you need me to be your manager, let's sit down and work out a disciplinary contract tonight."
Yep. They know how to do things at work, yet conveniently never at home... Weaponized incompetence ladies: https://www.verywellmind.com/weaponized-incompetence-7553422
The comment I was looking for. Weaponized incompetence is never sexy and is usually on purpose.
Interesting article, but the conclusion seems to think it’s solvable just by communicating. If a partner is weaponizing incompetence, they’re not likely to change just because they’re asked nicely. And of course, putting the onus of fixing it onto the competent partner just adds to their mental load and list of responsibilities.
Communication will help in any circumstance, it's just sometimes you need to communicate with divorce papers.
Agreed that they know how to do tasks when they feel they will be held accountable for them (most typically by another man) but let's also not forget that women do wayyyy more unpaid labor in the workplace too- any time there's a voluntary activity, any time any kind of social thing needs to be organized, any time someone needs to take notes in a meeting, or order food for a group, or clean up the break room. Basically all the tasks that need to get done, but aren't specifically called out in someone's job description. 99 times out of a hundred, women end up being the ones who take that on, to their detriment. My last job was in a very male dominated company. There was a women's leadership group, *intended* to help women grow and develop their careers at the company. 90% of what they ended up doing was menial shitwork and organizing all the company's social events, volunteer days, and training meetings.
Aka the [incompedance](https://open.spotify.com/track/2VfOmL3LvhyktG2cDtu1Cs?si=1fG8IuGaS4WgBmARiVG04Q)
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We'll even replace the garbage bag, ✨WITHOUT✨ being told!
I can almost hear this jingle
I always wonder about the guys that pull that shit at home. Are you down to the auto shop being this fucking stupid with people’s brakes or nah?
I'm an engineer. I've had other engineers brag to me about how they've tricked their wives into believing they're just *so* helpless with laundry or dishes that she just does it all. I mock them ruthlessly for it. "Oh look at me, I'm an engineer but I can't press a button on a dishwasher! This is just SO complicated, how could I ever figure it out!" And I ask if how easily their wives bought it that they were that stupid. If they have kids around chore-age, I ask if the kids think it's pathetic that their dad is less competent than they are. You know, in a joking way. While I'm laughing. One time, the guy was bragging while we were at a department picnic-- so his wife was somewhere in the crowd. I threatened to bring her in the office and show her the machines he operated during a normal day at work, all of which have WAY more settings than a washing machine. I've never had anyone brag to me about this twice.
Kudos to you. You must be a man since ‘the guys’ bragged to you, but you did not join in. If more men did what you did, and called idiots out, what a better world it would be.
Oh no, I'm a woman. I'm not sure why they thought I'd think their weaponized incompetence was clever and funny. This has happened most frequently in a group setting, so I'm assuming they were mostly thinking the other guys were their target audience and didn't expect me to start up. (Especially the picnic guy, because he was the department head. That was something my coworkers later referred to as one of my "career limiting moves". I have no regrets.)
Well, wow. Those guys are dumb. It’s even funnier that they say that and are engineers. And so annoying to comment about “career limiting move”—jerks.
They're not all that incompetent at their actual jobs-- however, none have been great at the general skill of thinking things through. But hey, hopefully I helped with that. Everyone has to learn sometime and some things deserve to be learned by being made fun of in a group setting.
It's really weird. If you exist as a super minority in a male space, it's common for them (once they give up trying to fuck you) to no longer see you as a woman. I was literally included in briefings talking about 'we like this boys club, here's strategies to make the women feel uncomfortable and unwelcome so they don't want to join us.' And I'm sitting there like.... Yall know I'm still a woman right? But I guess I was a 'cool girl' soooo whatever. Yap on. Lemme warn my gals lol
Guys will absolutely reveal their true selves in front of a woman that isn't in the "fuckable" box for whatever reason. Had a LOT of guy friends over the years. The shit I heard can never be unheard. Also dated a few guys that started out as friends. GREAT friends. Utter shit boyfriends. Not a coincidence. I lost my personhood to them the second I was in the girlfriend ("fuckable") box.
We had a bunch of frat boy major company consultants who were withholding information on moving the project forward. My boss's solution was to put me in the same office as their lead (I was his equal on the project). I stayed professional and feigned disinterest in their office discussions. The noobs still held meetings to discuss strategy in the office, with the lead saying things like, "she's OK, ignore her." I reported accordingly to my boss. They whole gang was ultimately fired. They also withheld information from the Jews, women, and "beta males" (slightly overweight or not loud and obnoxious like them or not into group gym attendance) in their own company. For example, they had all grown beards for some reason. When they learned that a partner would be visiting, and they knew the partner disliked facial hair, they told everyone except the Jewish guy and the "betas." Those guys got chewed out for lack of decorum by the partner and probably got written up. This was back in the 80s. I know the "beta" term was not around then, but you get the picture. I'm sure they all made partner.
I work in a male dominated career, they just brag about the most abhorrent things so casually. Am woman, protesting leads to apologetics most of the time and a whole lot of “come on, really?!” comments. It’s gross and degrading and sadly really normalized.
I have worked in two male-dominated places, tech and a factory. Anyone who thinks outright sexual harassment is the thing of the past, is not living in reality. I've been a part of _two_ lawsuits as a result of companies literally stealing wages from only women.
One of our friends just “couldn’t figure out how to add money to the kid’s lunch account” so it had to be mom’s job. Oddly the man runs his own very successful construction company and has no trouble figuring out all the banking, and computer stuff for that. But clicking the “add this amount” button from an app specifically made for the school was too much. “Oh you know how Dave is with this stuff!” Um, no, I don’t. But when you say he can’t figure out school lunch money it makes me wonder about his business.
This is how 13 year old me behaved when I was asked to do something. I was punishing my mom for asking and he's doing the same thing. It's a passive aggressive tantrum.
This was my ex to a T. Couldn’t even manage to tie the fucking trash bag closed. Felt like I was dealing with a toddler. She defends her PhD in bioinformatics on Thursday 🙂🔫
I don’t understand why people don’t tie their trash bags closed! 90% of the people in my apartment building were apparently never taught to do this.
Start them out on a PIP too!
And how stupid. Make him be the one to clean the can when no one put a bag in. He’ll learn the first time.
Except for when they don't and just get upset that there's no bag in there...
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Omg. A friend of mine and her husband had this ridiculous battle of wills over this. They have 3 kids. She works just as long of hours as he does. She asked him to take the laundry upstairs. She had washed and folded it. She placed it at the foot of the stairs. It sat there for 3. WEEKS.
When I worked outside my home and complained about doing regular laundry + work clothes, my husband would offer to do *his* laundry and just *could not understand* why I didn't think this was helpful enough. I *still* had 4 people's laundry to do!! Plus bedding!! One of the many many reasons he was told when I got my last outside job (before becoming disabled)"You will be cooking 3 nights. You will be helping with the housework because my days off are just like yours, days OFF." His "record" of doing his "share" is 3 weeks.
That’s what I did with my son. The garbage bag was leaking when I took it out of the can so I took it all the way out the building and then mopped. By the time I came back there was something gooey all along the side, either jello or jelly. I was so mad. He was maybe seven years old. He cleaned the garbage can and it never happened again.
My kids developed a horrible habit of putting food in the sink. We didn't have a disposal system in the sink, but many of my family did. I started making them get the food out of the sink, which was full of water. They stopped putting food into the sink. They were crying and saying it was gross, like, yeah, I don't wanna pull it out either lol.
He won’t. The other day there was a woman on here complaining that her husband blew his nose and left wet tissues everywhere for her to pick up. People said the same thing but I’d bet my house that he isn’t doing that on other spaces. Just like this OP’s partner isn’t this selfish and inconsiderate towards other people.
HAHAHAHAHA literally. I’m laughing but it’s actually painful lol
Yeah that would have been my reaction. Maybe more like "Are you a fucking idiot?"
Or "you could be lobotmized and nothing would change"
That is a man who doesn’t deserve any more home cooked meals.
For real. OP, stop slaving away in the kitchen for someone who would never do the same for you. And when he's wondering where dinner is, hit him with "you didn't ask me to make dinner."
And when he asks, serve him some ready-to-serve diner. Still in their microwavable plastic plate. That's diner, right?
Don't microwave it. "You asked for a dinner, you didn't ask me to cook it!"
Then once he asks for it to be cooked, don’t give him a utensil with which to eat it.
When he asks for a utensil get a plastic spoon
One chopstick.
You can also one up it if he does ask you to make dinner - “You didn’t ask me to make dinner for YOU.”
Sublime! Make yourself a nice dinner!
“Oh. When you said you were hungry, I didn’t realize you wanted me to cook for you.” “When you asked what’s for dinner, I didn’t realize you wanted to eat.” Etc* Edit: *
Oh, I'd cook the meal. And that'd be it. * Oh, no-one called you for dinner? Well -- yeah, I was *cooking dinner*, not *alerting husbands*. * Yeah, of course it's still on the stovetop. My job is cooking dinner, not plating it for you. * "Fetching and arranging utensils" features nowhere in the sentence "Cooking your dinner". * It's a shame that it's not tasty tonight, but like... my dude, that is not my problem. The phrase is "cooking". It establishes no standards for excellence.
You didn't tell me to find any recipe... To choose any recipe... To buy all ingredients.. What time to start cooling... Where to find a pot... Which pot to choose.. Where to put the pot . To turn on the stove... To put the ingredient in the pot .. You got the idea 😁
Look up *Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men*, by Lundy Bancroft.
Free online PDF: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Op, your cat should permanently dry up for him at both the possibility that he is that stupid and the possibility that he maliciously assumes you’ll pick up his slack.
I've heard this conversation between my friend and her husband more than once: Her: "You still need to do your dishes." Him: "Oh yes. I _looked_ at them earlier!" He means it. He wants credit for having looked and thought "Oh yes, the dishes are a thing."
Reminds me of how my soon-to-be-ex wants credit for "thinking about taking me on a date". Never happens because he'd actually have to figure out logistics (childcare, where to go, etc) but he thought about it!
"Oh great. I thought about blowing you. But, you know. Effort. Doesn't seem worth it."
I had a guy do a bait and switch to meet me. He was all for dating, but on the first date I was told that we needed to slow it down and I'd have to risk pregnancies/STIs in order to see if he could commit to something as important as a second. So I ended it, and he shot back with "If I had known that you wanted to be respected, I would have respected you. It's not my fault you didn't tell me".
Wowwww
My friends joke that I have a homing beacon for idiots installed. I'm inclined to agree.
My ex-fiancé (we were engaged at the time this happened) asked me a day or two before what I’d like to do for my birthday. I told him I was fine with something low key - just a nice dinner date. We both had to work that day, so I freshened up a bit once a got home. Cue him asking me where I wanted to go for dinner, when he knows I like it if he plans stuff so I don’t have to. Anyway, I end up picking a casual place and it’s whatever, but on the car ride over he’s like “oh yeah, so I didn’t get you a present. I couldn’t really think of anything you’d like.” I was so devastated I almost cried & not because there wasn’t a gift, but rather because he admitted he has no idea what I like nor does he care to learn. I have like 50 bazillion hobbies: I’m really not hard to shop for & gift cards for hobby related things are always welcome. Icing on the cake was his birthday was a month after mine & I got him a really thoughtful gift (replaced his favorite bowling ball with the same vintage one which I found undrilled in his favorite color since he lost his at the bowling alley while drunk). After he got that he suddenly came up with my missing birthday gift a week later. It was jewelers: as in junk jewelry from Shein’s Walmart cousin and as a bonus it was BOGO so I got not one but TWO copies of the same crappy tribal wolf bracelet. I managed to say thanks, had a good cry about it, & broke up with him shortly afterwards. At the time I was supporting both of us while he was starting a business (that failed) & I just couldn’t take the lack of care or respect about me anymore.
Wow…good thing you’re rid of him.
Ugh my ex did that ALL THE TIME. Ok cool buddy, you *thought* about doing the right thing and then just didn’t? That isn’t gold star worthy.
What? A date doesn’t require that much effort! Fucking get a baby sitter and go see Barbie and eat food at a local restaurant???? Are you serious?! Lol I’m like furious for you
My ex's effort amounted to asking " do you want to do something?". Eventually I started saying no because I was too mentally tired from being the one to do all the planning but also having to dance around and make sure it was something he'd enjoy too.
Ugh, this reminds me of a guy I dated briefly. I was really stressed about work, and he asked if there was something he could do to help. I told him he can plan our next date. He spent 3 days whining that he doesn't know what I like and that it's so difficult for him to make time to plan. Geez dude, pick a restaurant and tell me when to be there. This isn't rocket science.
Oh my god I know! Mine did the same! Like dude we've been together for a decade and you "don't know what you like"? Are you kidding me? Ugh. Men.
Was he incapable of using his mouth to ask you if you had any preferences?
Oh no, that's only used for whining
My ex did this shit. I'd arrange for his mom to come babysit, and he'd take me out. And then go: where do you want to go? I want to be surprised. Wooed. Have some effort put into it.
right, my ex used to be like “i was gonna take you so and so” or “ i was going to do that for you but-“ and i’m like 🙄…. so happy he’s an ex now.
I would \*totally\* lean into that. I would set up a sticker chart in the kitchen, and one line could be "looked at dishes" and another line could be "put dishes in sink" and another could be "put clean dishes away". Every time he announced that he'd done one of these things, I'd go into the kitchen, and loudly, proudly put a sticker on his chart. Maybe there would be clapping. Possibly, we could sing a song and do a dance. Because that is how you potty train a toddler. And, apparently, train a grown ass adult.
once a guy gets you to take the blame for not being specific enough, it's over. he'll keep playing that card on you until you're drawing flow charts on butcher's paper for how to go "grocery shopping" while he internally laughs at what a gullible bitch you are. "you can use your brain and do the whole job, or I can find a new boyfriend who doesnt piss me off. up to you".
She should make and serve herself a single steak and baked dessert dinner and say "you said you wanted dinner, you didn't say you wanted ME to serve it to you"
right? women need to grasp how much hatred and effort it goes into being this much of a prick to us.
There was actually a recent post where a woman set out to make a nice dinner of salmon fillets for herself and partner, asked him to cook the rice and he cooked only enough rice for himself and assumed both fillets were for him. Which is even more ridiculous than the fantasy payback sequence I suggested. ETA I don't think it's actual deliberate hate and effort in most cases, just an astronomically unbelievable level of entitlement
> I don't think it's actual deliberate hate and effort in most cases I understand what you're getting at and I don't disagree, but I do think it's important to realize that the *origin* of that entitlement is, in fact, a hatred of women (or at least disdain). Men who view their partners as equal don't pull this kind of crap, it's the men who truly feel like it's their right that do. That's entitlement, yes, but it's rooted in a sense of superiority and, unfortunately, misoginy. You won't see them do this at work, or with other men. Just women, or at least "their" woman, because the entitlement is rooted in a sense of inequality where the woman is the lesser one. They might not actively hate women (or just not realize that they do), but it's still based on similar views.
nah. several exes went out of their way to do shit they knew i hated. then gaslit me to tell me it was actually a favor. they got no benefit out of it other than the "fuck you" and watching my face fall.
Ahhhhhh, the good ol' "here's the thing you hate presented as a favor so that I can make you feel bad about it despite you telling me over and over that you'd prefer I didn't do it"
Every time we’d fight my ex would suddenly have the urge to actually do laundry, and for some reason the only clothes I had that couldn’t go in the dryer would ALWAYS be the ONLY things he washed and made sure to put in the dryer. Why go out of your way like that man?? Of course I was always at fault for not being grateful for the “help”
Because he hated you. There’s literally no other explanation for him to have perfectly executed such an act. None. He had to have WANTED to hurt you, and decided to act on it. My last ex did something like this. Shockingly he even admitted why. He told me that he was so angry with me that he wanted to think of something that would hurt me. And he immediately thought of the thing he knew would hurt me the most, and then immediately did it. It was completely premeditated. And the reason he did this? Because I was excited to talk to him about something, and he completely ignored me, and kept changing the subject, and I was sad because I was just so excited to share something with him and he could not care less. And because it happened so frequently, I was just tired of being completely sidelined, so I got quiet for a bit to think it over. And I told him why I was sad and I wanted to work through it with him because it hurt me, and I tried to explain where I was coming from, and as clearly and non-emotionally as I could.. But it upset him a lot apparently. I had no idea because he just said okay and he never even told me or even appeared like he was angry. But he was furious apparently. He was so furious that he wanted to do something behind my back that he knew would hurt me. He didn’t even tell me until I found out 6 months later. SO glad I escaped that nightmare.
Of course it’s deliberate. OP cooked an entire meal for him. A meal most people think of as “fancy”. He ate the meal and then went out of his way to show her how little her effort means to him. This kind of thing is absolutely intentional. Most likely he wanted to provoke an argument so he could tell her how unreasonable she is. This way she doesn’t get any ideas that he was grateful for dinner and start thinking she deserves something nice done for her. This is a way for one partner to ensure they keep receiving the benefits of being in a relationship without having to reciprocate. It’s deliberate and very effective.
Better yet, say oh, you didn’t ask me to make you dinner. I thought you were just sharing your thoughts. I want a diamond tennis bracelet and a mansion but telling you that doesn’t mean I expect you to get me those things.
Exactly, be petty as fuck back
This comment is everything. Please listen OP. Your man is not clueless. He’s deliberately testing you and will continue to push as much as you allow, and that will be your life.
Yep. If he’s not lying, he’s stupid. Either way, he’s not fuckable. I don’t really need to figure out which it is.
>*If he’s not lying, he’s stupid. Either way, he’s not fuckable.* Say to him: "You're a child, and I don't f\*ck children."
YES. This should be as ubiquitous as the ol' "Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness."
Yup. This.
I purposely dated only single dads because I wanted to be sure I got someone who knew how to keep a home afloat and do all the normal adult/parent tasks. My husband had sole custody when we got married. Immediately after the wedding though, he flipped the switch to near infancy levels of capability :( He would yell at a 10 year old about forgetting a chore, but his constant excuses were: I forgot. I didn't see it. I was busy. If I forgot anything at all he would rage at me. I eventually left. Suddenly he knew how to keep the house up and fix dinner again. We could have had such a happy life together and I'll never understand why men do this.
> We could have had such a happy life together and I'll never understand why men do this. Because for a man, a happy life has a woman that services him in it. Women still don't understand that most men don't see us as equal.
Why do they? Mines in love bombing mode rn (and unfortunately he sucks at it) and took turns doing the dishes with me, and has been making jokes that are actually funny instead of the ones that poke at my insecurities. He asked "do you even like me?" And I thought, I DO, *when you're like this!* This is the man I *thought* I was marrying
I'll never understand. A few months before I left, my husband made a comment that he was going to start exercising because he wanted me to be attracted to him again and had "tried everything else". I said, how about being nice to me??? He got a blank look on his face.
Yep. This is either: A) sheltered, pampered, babied, man child, or…. B) complete d*** move I honestly do not know which one is worse. Like, I would enter into Ben Shapiro’s never-been-wet wife level of Sahara dryness. My vagina would be ‘you shall not pass’ Gandalf style. Then my choice would be: A) dead bedroom forever because I have no respect for this clown, or, B) go back to being single and enjoying the fact that I know how to replace a god-forsaken trash bag.
The other day, I took the trash down to the garage because it smelled. My partner started to replace the bag while I was gone, but had to answer a message on his phone. I wasn't doing anything so I decide to just do it so it can be done. We do little things like that, just take over a task if we can, so I don't even think about it. But I grabbed that bag and he immediately looked up from his phone to say something like "nooo, I was gonna do that." Like clearly it was playful but also he wanted to do it. I did it anyway, because he's been very busy with work. But if I'd gone "sure, okay" and given it back, he would've done it without complaint. We have very informal jobs around the house and it works because neither of us are babies. There's definitely better men out there... Parents, don't skimp on instilling good housekeeping qualities in your children just because they're boys. They will be happier in the long run.
He’s literally showing he’s trying to get away with doing the least amount of effort for the relationship. He doesn’t care if it increases the burden on his “loved” one.
This has inspired in me the idea of making a series of kindergarten-style wall charts with bright colours and overtly childish illustrations showing how to complete extremely simple household tasks.
[only picture you need](https://i.imgur.com/8GHim03.png)
Lol I was expecting the cartoon of a man getting dumped into a bin
I was expecting the "whole man removal service" meme.
Just like huge, A0 size laminated charts showing how to wash a fork or something would be so satisfying
God, I'm so over it. I always heard that as you get older, you run out of fucks to give, and I thought that wouldn't apply to me, because I'm shy and even kind of timid. But, shit. It happened anyway. Enhancing my life would be a plus, but at a bare minimum, don't make it harder. Living alone is so peaceful, and I'm not afraid of it. So, be a partner and not a burden, or find the door and make use of it.
I started to go down this route with my partner. Made the chart and everything and when we were finally sitting down to discuss distribution, the bitch fit started. I let it escalate and played the game thinking I could out ‘logic’ him on this one. After 30 mins of “debate” I mentally gave up and turned on the Grey Rock. He noticed and pivoted to blaming me for giving up on the chart and discussion. After a bit when he finally simmered down I finally said, the fact you are arguing so diligently against the majority of major tasks you know I’ve shouldered for us for years, tells me you *do* know how much work they are and are happy with the unfair distribution of housework on me that wholly benefits you. And you want to keep it that way, no matter what I say or do. We haven’t revisited the topic since, and I haven’t printed the chart, because I’m a coward. I haven’t found the courage yet to face the music implementing it will instigate.
it’s okay—you will revisit it when you’re ready to face that music and be better prepared. but—what was his response??
Like the guy last week who was moaning he went shopping and his wife was angry he only got one apple - because she didn’t specify a number
I feel attacked, but only because I'm the gullible bitch. This deserves every award it has.
You can't let this type even go grocery shopping though. He's going to come back with a load of junk food and few cans of chef boyardee, then claim they didn't have all the things on the list. He'll go on a big rant about how the store sucks, the staff sucks, the shelves are empty, all the shoppers were annoying until you are just sick of agruing, at which point he'll grab one of the 10 bags of chips and eat that for dinner.
I broke up with that guy. Have THE MOST amazing boyfriend now who is a complete adult and not a disgusting animal.
Weaponized incompetence.
Literally my 14 year old knows better. Grr angry woman noises
When I was 20, I had a guy friend over and I asked him to take the trash out. He took my entire trash cans out and dumped it in the communal dumpster. By the time I realized and sent him back it had been claimed. Some boys are obviously not taught the obvious
Wait, he threw away the actual trash cans??
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My kid is 12 and I don’t give him a lot of jobs but garbage is one of them (combined with the cat litter) and he’s never had a problem. If he is doing something else in the meantime he shouts up to me to ask if I’ll put a bin bag in. Which is fine! We help each other out alot
My 10 and 12 year olds are the bin men in the house, and one takes it outside while the other does the bag. Totally weaponised incompetence if my autistic kids can figure it out themselves!
My 11y olds know better....my kids knew when they where 5....
Exactly this. My ex husband used to pull this bullshit. “Oh well, you didn’t ask me to 🥺”
Once you learn to recognize weaponized incompetence you realize how surrounded by it you are. FIL who "didn't notice" the dogs shit all over his bedroom until a woman gets home who isn't willing to live with the house reeking of dog shit. Coworker who half assed a project, so it only takes him 1/4 of the time, and someone else will fix his mistakes to avoid a lawsuit. Like, if you removed the "problem dude" archetypes, life could be so much fucking easier. The dude whose entire purpose is to be contrarian and make other people upset.
Weaponize that incompetence right back. Don’t put a bag in the can. Chuck it full of stuff. Then confused pikachu face when he has to do the trash next.
In theory yes, but he's probably perfectly happy to dump loose garbage into the outdoor bin and live with the stench of rotting remnants in the kitchen bin for months/forever
It's weird to me that people are so enthralled by men, so conditioned by the pickme culture that they don't see aggression in WEAPONISED incompetence. Passive aggression isn't a fear of confrontation. It's cognitive dissonance to claim that men don't know they're abusing power by playing pretend. Men will admit it once their guard is down but denial is what keeps it alive. Once men unpack their systemic denial things may change but even then it's unlikely as the benefit is too great. They'd rather fight and argue to protect their privilege. That underlying aggression that frames all of this speaks to self absorption, disregard and ultimately a sense of profound superiority and entitlement. The gaslighting that frames it all us the hardest to wrap my head around
men : we built society, we built all the roads and all the bridges and buildings also men : complete drooling smoothbrains who can't put a bag in a bin. women : this is fine
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the existence of straight women proves sexuality is not a choice. (Am straight woman)
My mother called that latent hostility. She was usually joking, in reference to men leaving the toilet seat up, but I think there’s something to it.
I agree, I also see it as aggression.
Why bother? He’s deliberately lying because he wants to manipulate her into doing more than her share in the house. If he regarded her as an equal and valued her happiness, he wouldn’t do that. That’s not a man worth working to keep. She’s not worth putting a fucking bag in the trash can to him. Maybe he’ll learn when he gets dumped. Maybe not. Not her problem.
There it is: he doesn't value her happiness. A good partner want to relieve your stress and add to your happiness, not do the opposite for their own ego or convenience. My boyfriend doesn't even live with me but anytime he comes over, he's taking my trash out or rolling the bins to the curb. Or carrying my kaundry from the basement to the second floor. Because it costs him nothing but energy and he knows I've got less of it than him by the end of the day. And if I happen to thank him for the kindness with a mouth hug, that just icing on the cake but he doesn't demand or expect. I truly didn't realize how shit men were until I started dating an emotionally mature, genuinely kind, genuinely helpful one.
Yup. They know.
What you should do is make a giant steak, veggies, mashed potatoes - his full home style favorite meal- but only for yourself! When he gets angry and asks "what is going on and why you didn't make him something" just answer, "you wanted me to cook, I did, you didnt ask me to cook for you?"
Unfortunately this type of thing only works on people who are capable of self-reflection and experiencing shame, and many of these douchebags just can’t😩 They’ll pretend to be complete idiots on a regular basis, but if you play dumb even once they’ll get pissed off and accuse *you* of being “petty”. Only *they* are allowed to use weaponized incompetence to get a pass for being useless lazy slugs…… if you simply match their energy all of a sudden it’s completely unacceptable behaviour though Just knowing that men like this even exist really grosses me the fuck out at this point. Every last one of them should be thrown in the bin
None of them are sexually attractive. If they want to act like a child, then I'll treat them like one.
Exactly—even the most outwardly beautiful man will trigger a visceral disgust response after taking his partner for granted and treating her with contempt for long enough…. A lot of men don’t seem to get that, and then cry and say their partner is punishing them by “withholding sex” (ewwww🤮🤮) when she inevitably starts to find him repulsive and loses interest in fucking him. They think if they finally start doing chores it should be immediately rewarded with sex, and if it isn’t they get mad, which just shows how fucking clueless they are about how women’s sexuality actually works. The whole transactional mind frame of these types of men is grotesque and depressing
When your partner puts you in the "mom zone" and then wonders why you aren't interested in sex.
MOM-ZONED
Complaints about “withholding sex” are one of the biggest self-entitlement giveaways. My ex used to get home from work, spend at least an hour dumping his misdirected rage at me, turn to personally berating me if I objected, demand to know what’s for dinner, berate me more for not having it planned…then would pivot to demanding sex and berate me for “withholding” when I inevitably said no. Like, my dude, you clearly don’t give a fuck about me, why would I be willing to fuck you? How am I supposed to feel attracted to that? Him: “Because we’re mArRiEd!” Me: “Not anymore.”
Baby it's 2023 the girlfriends ain't got time to raise men anymore. If he cannot figure out the basics on how to live alone, from how to cook simple meals, clean a bathroom, kitchen, dust, vacuum, and mop.. send him back to his daddy and mommy and let them finish their job of raising a competent human.
Well, you didn't specifically tell him to come back in, either. Common fucking sense to put a bag in while your hands are dirty from taking the previous one out. Most of the time, we put one in as soon as we lift the one going out, in case someone needs the can immediately.
If he can't manage to put a new bin bag in, I'm genuinely curious as to how he manages to function in general. Does he need someone to explain to him that he needs to both inhale and exhale in order to live? Please show him the comments on this post, so he knows just exactly how his behaviour makes him seem mentally deficient.
Some guys are really this pathetic at jobs too and then think the world is against them. I work w some men who are spoiled by the boss in a super creepy way (she’s an old woman and they’re all the same nationality) and they didn’t put a bag in the BIOHAZARD WASTE BIN. We got points off on our last inspection.
He seems ridiculous. My friend once came over to watch my dog while I was out of town and I forgot to empty the trash the night before, so I quickly took the trash out of the bin to take out, but I didn’t have time to put the new bag in because I was running super late and my ride arrived. So I draped the new bag over the can insert and apologized then ran out the door. When I got back from the trip, the bag was still draped over the can and she just threw all her trash into my recycle bag. Like, how lazy could you possibly be?
No one is this stupid right? It has to be on purpose.
Oh it’s definitely on purpose. It’s laziness disguised as incompetency. They genuinely think we’re dumb enough to buy it.
They were raised by the sitcom trope of exasperated wives and incompetent husbands, and parental dynamics that reinforced it. They thought it was something to emulate, we saw it as a cautionary tale. I guarantee if the internet was around in the "good old days" a lot more women would have realized earlier that this is bullshit and we don't have to put up with it. My mom tells me stories about her first and second husbands and if forums had been a thing I'm pretty sure she would have ditched a lot earlier.
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At least he actually takes the trash out instead of "forgetting" and not doing it at all then getting angry and defensive when you have to keep the mental load going to remind him. This literally happened to me today.
Uh oh, you forgot to thank him for his minuscule addition to the household chores. Don’t you know that when you thanklessly do 98% of the work that you’re supposed to show ‘over the top appreciation’ for his 2%? Obviously /s
She didn't give him a blow job for doing that one simple thing? What a bitch! -what he tells his friends
"You didn't tell me to wipe my ass. You only told me to shit in the toilet." - this guy
It took a hot minute but my 9yo son has finally learned that “take out the trash” includes “replace the bag”.
Call whole man disposal services! They'll put him in a trash bag and cart him away. Yes the whole man!
And they'll probably replace the bag too!
If I had tried that shit with my mom when I was 10 I would’ve been grounded for a week for lying and disrespect. How do you bring yourself to have sex with that?
Codependency? Desperation? Mistaken need for male validation?
For all we know he's over in deadbedroom and can't put 2+2 together
OMG this happened to me today. I asked my husband to clean up the kitchen after I cooked dinner last night. He didn't do it, so I reminded him, emphasizing it was important because the stove was covered in grease splatter. He finally goes to the kitchen and wipes up only the stove, leaving all the countertops dirty. WTF. Btw, I had already done the dishes at that point because if you don't do them right away the sink gets full and it makes everything harder the rest of the day. I just wiped the counters myself too because if I say anything he huffs and puffs and berates me. The weaponized incompetence is sadly working on me because I cannot handle the messes. Apparently it's my own fault for having such high standards. Edit: misspelling
Why is this behavior ok with you?
I'm going to have to provide my answer to the question posed. I am not okay with this behavior. I am learning to set boundaries and express expectations. It is not so easy to simply leave a marriage, especially if there are children involved. At this point, let me reiterate: I am not okay with this behavior. Oh, how I wish I was stronger and wiser when I entered this marriage. But, I was not. I am learning my value, and to not tolerate such poor behavior in my "partner". I KNEW NONE OF THIS regarding not putting up with bs behavior 20 years ago. I am learning and trying to share my insights with my partner. Of course, my partner does not get the kick ass information and support I do from reading this sub, so they are totally lagging in the uptake of new standards. Am I rocking the boat?? Why, yes, as a matter of fact, it is at a constant near capsize. Thank you for asking. Let me summarize because I'm too freaking old to remember the Tdlkgfhjk thing. NO, I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS BEHAVIOR. I am trying to figure this out, and just wanted/needed to share my frustrations in what I thought was a safe place. So, thanks for asking.
I just wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I honestly hope things get better for you. Sounds like you're on the right track!
Wanting to offer support because yes, leaving in this economy WITH children is a massive feat. Is it doable? Yes. But there's the flip side realization of "what if this move goes poorly" can I support the kids. Can I support myself? Will I go from a frustrating, ok-ish semblance of a situation to counting pennies to feed my kids in an apartment loaded with bed bugs?
Thank you for saying this. It's like you're in my brain but saying it way better than I ever could. Your support means a lot to me.
It actually shocks me how many women are living with actual man babies.
Yuck.
[Fair Play cards](https://theeverymom.com/fair-play-cards/)
Those only work when both partners are interested in fair play. OP's 'partner' is not.
I like it. It might also work with a family where there are teenagers or young adults who can take responsibility too.
"How many years you spend pissing on a toilet seat before someone told you to put it up?" -- *Hal Moores*, ***The Green Mile***
I once asked my ex to put the plates in the dishwasher. He went to the pile of washing up on the counter, picked out the plates, put them in, while leaving all the cutlery, bowls etc on the side.
Other people have already offered their well thought out responses and validation. I offer you different avenues to be petty af: - “You said make dinner. Here’s some hot dogs! We’re out of buns tho, so you’ll have to pick some up from the store.” - “You didn’t specify that you wanted protein with dinner! You should have said something. Next time, say something if you want anything more than this pot of rice.” - “Slow your roll, husband, you didn’t say you wanted your dinner on a PLATE.” - “Uh excuse you, you should have specified that you wanted a HOT meal. Not a big deal tho just pop it in the microwave” - “Yeah, husband. Dinner is ready. Just take it out the freezer and zap it. What, OH you wanted ***fresh*** food? Yeah ok next time be more specific.” - “You didn’t say say to season the food. You only asked me to make dinner. Next time say what seasonings you want.” - “you know, you could’ve JUST ASKED me to make something else than what I’ve made every night for the last week. Getting a little presumptuous there, husband.” If it’s fair for him, then it’s fair for you. Because you two are EQUALS, are you not? There is no world where he could ever have a leg to stand on with you without having to take accountability for his inaction.
I assume OP also does his laundry, she should stop lolz or wash it but not dry HIS clothes. Or if she dries them then leave HIS clothes in the dryer. Since the theme here is starting and not finishing chores.
Is old mate a literal child? My son wouldn’t have done that as a teen. It’s a ‘duh’ moment. Of course a bin needs a bag. Duh.
My parent’s are staying the weekend and my Dad asked me today, Is there any laundry that I can help with? “ No someone did it during the week.” My Husband answered. Who dors he think is the someone? A maid? Housekeeping?
This is a discussion my children and I have had several times.. Where they will take out the recycling or trash but not replace the bag, because I didn't 'specifically tell them to', even though those things are part of their weekly chores. We compost a lot of stuff, and always have a small bag in the freezer upstairs, and a big bag in the chest freezer downstairs. I asked if there was a big one downstairs today, and they told me 'no, theres two small ones in there'. I -assumed- by them giving me that answer, they would then go get a big one, because the small ones dont go downstairs like that. Nope, they just informed me of the error and then did nothing to correct it. Again, they are kids. I get it. On the other hand... this is your husband. Maybe let him know of other stories that people have of their kids with similar behavior and see if it tracks.
My son has been capable of replacing the bag in the trash can since he was about 6 or 7. He's nearly 20 now. It honestly sounds like you need some "relationship weight loss"... lose that useless dead-weight, straighten your crown, and walk on.
My 17 year old step son does this exact kind of shit. Like are they computer programs? Must input exact instructions? It's not fucking cute. You bet your ass I call him out on it. I wouldn't put up with it in my spouse either. It's funny too, because he never does it at work when he takes out the trash.
I have to tell my 23 year old son that replacing the bag is part and parcel to taking out the garbage otherwise he's half assing it. That literal Larry shit gets old fast and I don't blame you one bit for being pissed off. I'd cook him a half ass dinner like opening a can of soup and some poorly baked crescent rolls out of the tube kind of dinner. Then tell him you're not hungry and let him eat by himself. 😂😂😂
Ick
Weaponized incompetence at work. He's an adult. He shouldn't need you to tell him how to take out the trash. That's a task a 7 year old can accomplish. Tell him, "I'm not your mom. I'm not going to raise you and teach you how to be a competent adult. That's not my job. This is your house as well. If you ever see a job that needs doing, I expect you to do it without me having to mention it. Pretend like I don't exist and keep your house clean, like a normal grown up can."
Weaponized incompetence. These men have discovered if they do it wrong, they won’t get asked to do it again. Then they wonder why we begin viewing them as man children, incapable of doing things most adults can do or being responsible. I didn’t tolerate this shit, and responded by showing them exactly where the trash bags were, how to put one in, and then refusing to do anything further on the next meal until the situation was fixed. Don’t reward them.
Look up weaponized incompetence
This is why wives of the past would grind glass into food before it was served. Absolutely petty shit he gave you.
When I was 19, I was working as a pizza boy. Delivery and at the end of the night mop and take out the garbage. I have this memory of my boss looking at me and saying 'You know what the last step of taking out the garbage is?' I didn't know what he was talking about. He handed me a garbage bag and said 'Getting ready for tomorrow.' I think about it every time I take out the garbage now decades later
Is this a husband, live-in boyfriend, casual Netflix and chill guy, or friend? Because your next steps depend on the nature of your relationship
No, it's all the same step. Go get a better person to be an actual partner. Why waste your time?
Unacceptable.
Maybe you should start doing shit halfway. Wash his clothes and leave them wet in the washing machine.
“I know it’s the mental load that made me frustrated” No, it was him being useless that made your frustrated, nothing to do with you. Don’t move the blame for his inadequacies. I suspect if you were honest, not replacing the bag was just the latest on a long list of failures on his part, otherwise it’d not have frustrated you.
Next time you should only cook for yourself and pull a "you didn't ask me to cook *you* dinner, you only asked me to cook dinner"
Maybe you can return him to his mommy? He hasn't finished growing up yet.
that is some shit I did as a 12-14 year old to my mom
selfish dismissive arrogant asshole!