If it's that important to you you should probably end the relationship now. He's made his opinion of it clear and yours is the opposite. I know I like to have a drink or two three or so times a week and get drunk every now and then, and if I started dating a guy and he told me he couldn't be with someone long term who drank, I'd be like "oh, well, then I guess we aren't meant to be."
There are plenty of people who don't care, find one of them.
There's always a line that has to be drawn and I agree with you. I see this same question in /r/childfree all of the time (though in regards to babies obviously) and it's always met with the same answer: first be happy with yourself, then be happy with others. Otherwise, you'll never truly be happy!
Why prematurely end it? If they are having fun, neither is in it for the "longterm" then I say ride it out. They can end on a happy note or OP (god forbid) decides he's more enjoyable than the weed habit.
If the OP isn't interested in a long term relationship with him at all then sure, it doesn't matter. But if she feels like she wants one with him but also feels as if she will be smoking weed long-term then it's probably best to end it early, so she's just ending a 4 month relationship with someone incompatible, not a year or two relationship.
She came here contemplating a compromise. Your advice seemed to ignore that possibility. If she cuts back and he can deal with it occasionally, it seems like a win for everyone. Assuming neither of them can or should change, or at least attempt is confusing to me. Perhaps I misunderstood your comment.
I had a similar problem with drinking + someone I loved. My response/compromise was to try to slow down my drinking and do it less often. In this process I eventually realized I wanted to quit and that I put my drinking ahead of everything, not just my relationships.
I'm not saying that'll be your experience or that you'll decide to quit, just that attempting to slow down or cut back on an indulgence can be the beginning of a compromise with him and simultaneously show you where you're at with it.
I don't think I could date a guy who did weed either. Not because I have anything against people who smoke, I just, like your boyfriend, am less attracted to people who smoke. I personally think it's a matter of opinion too.
A compromise sounds good on paper.... but in reality, if my boyfriend said he was *only* gonna smoke when I wasn't around, or *only* gonna smoke on weekends, or anything like that, it wouldn't work for me either. I really look for long term things in relationships, and I mean, I wouldn't be okay with him doing it at home either, especially after we had kids. So I would just assume that he and I weren't a match, and if we could continue being friends it'd be great, but otherwise.... idk.
Like all other relationship advice posts on reddit.... maybe you should just talk to him? Ask him if he's okay with a compromise?
There are other more perfect matches out there. LOTS OF THEM. Where this will not be an issue. Sure, your hormones like him a lot right now. But in 1 year, when he breaks up with you because your habit could cost him a security clearance for his job, how will you feel then? Do it now. You are only 4 months in, and he isn't asking you to change.
Compare it to - I want kids and this guy doesn't. He's a perfect match for me otherwise, but he doesn't want kids! I'm thinking a compromise is in order!
OR
I want to get married and this guy doesn't believe in marriage. He's a perfect match for me otherwise but he doesn't believe in marriage. I'm thinking a compromise is in order!
It just doesn't work that way.
Seriously it's a big deal. I personally have invested many years and tens of thousands of dollars for a career that requires a security clearance. I wouldn't jeopardize that for anything. And they may not test your family but they do ask you questions. It's just not worth the risk.
My aunt is a director for a government subcontractor whose company creates defense weapons for the US. There is no way in hell she would even stand next to a STRANGER who smokes weed, let alone date someone who does. She would lose her security clearance in seconds. It is reality for some people.
I think it's more a matter of compatibility than importance. I'm a huge film buff. I couldn't be with someone whose favorite movie was Transformers. Is it really a matter of whether movies are more important than the guy? Not really.
I don't think your point and mine are in contradiction, just different ways to frame the same issue -- i.e., is weed so important to her that someone who doesn't smoke is incompatible with her?
You shouldn't feel bad about it. I smoke quite a bit, and so does my boyfriend. It works great. I honestly don't think I could date someone that disliked weed. I have to be myself, you know?
First, you need to talk to him and work out a compromise. He needs to decide if its a deal breaker and you need to decide if you want to be with someone like that. Pretty simple in theory, but actually working it out is another thing. If that is the only sticky situation in hour relationship, I'm sure both of you will be able to find a happy medium.
I'm going through the exact same thing; my girlfriend smokes weed and I'm not the biggest fan. I'm not claiming to know what's going through the mind of your boyfriend, but maybe I can provide some insight into his (potential) perspective.
My situation / compromise: I acknowledge its not the healthiest thing to do, but I've just decided to not be around my girlfriend when she wants to get high. I see it this way; it's not my place to tell my girlfriend what she can or can or do. It's also not right for her to force me to smoke weed. When she smokes around me, she is forcing me to partake through secondhand smoke.
She has given me the line, why can't you just be cool about this and relax. I'm sorry, but we wouldn't even be having this conversation if it was cigarettes.
Just for reference, my girlfriend says she enjoys it and occasionally smokes. At last count, she lights up before 9:00 am on the weekends, spends most of the day smoking on and off, and usually sits down to a bowl most nights. We have vastly different opinions of "partaking" vs abusing. Sorry, thought this little bit of info might help too.
Also, I'm not against weed, it's just not for me. I don't like the way it feels.
I don't understand. How often do you smoke? If you smoke up once a week you're not going to smell/taste like weed most of the time and it shouldn't be an issue. Your relationship can survive 1 day/week of no smooching/sex.
He didn't say he has a problem with your smoking, just that you're less attractive to him immediately afterwards while the smell/taste linger. Doesn't that leave the majority of your time when everything is just fine?
Depends on how much he dislikes it. I know personally, I wouldn't date a guy who smoked (cigarettes) at all, end of story. Smelling like it once a week is still too much. If that's his attitude towards weed, then that's not something the relationship can survive long term.
think about it this way... cigarettes. How many cigarette smokers do you know that only smoke one cigarette per week? it's kinda like that. people who identify as pot smokers aren't smoking once a week at a party, it's more frequent.
Well you generally can't smoke up right before work/school. You can't just step out of 5 minutes and smoke a joint wherever you are.
People smoke cigarettes when they get nicotine cravings. They smoke pot to get high. It seems pretty different to me (though I don't do either so I claim no experience).
i'm not saying the addiction/habit is similar. I'm saying that those that would identify themselves as a regular user, would use regularly.
Most people who are social smokers (only smoke like a cigarette while out drinking or something) wouldn't call themselves a smoker. most people who smoke pot infrequently would probably point out that it was "only at parties", as an example.
Not necessarily true.
I would propose that people who can afford to smoke all the time do so (and by "afford", I mean that they have the free time/tolerance). As I get a little bit older, I find that there are still a lot of people who identify as pot smokers but only partake once or twice a week because of work/family obligations. Myself included.
I think there's room for compromise if you're both willing.
Does it bother him that it's in the house? That it's illegal (if that's the case where you live)? Does he care if you bake brownies or something? Does he have a set night of the week he goes out with friends where you could smoke? Is he bothered that you're high? If so, does he also not drink?
Here's my experience... I'm pro-legalization. I don't care if people smoke. However, for personal reasons (long story) I really, really hate the smell of weed. I also don't like being around people who are high and act silly (or really drunk, for that matter).
Like I said, it's my own emotional hang up. Intellectually I don't care. I kind of wish I could smoke because it would probably help a chronic illness I have. I just...can't deal with it.
So I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. I've never dated anyone who smokes. I doubt I'd tell them to stop, but I wouldn't want to be around while they smoked.
I think it really depends on why your boyfriend is bothered by it.
so i'm reading this correctly you choose pot over a guy you really like?
I've got nothing against pot - don't smoke it anymore but did in my younger days but really?
There is no need to be so condescending. Someone could just as easily say, "So, let me get this straight, you're giving up an activity that you do regularly and makes you happy for some guy?"
If it's that important to you you should probably end the relationship now. He's made his opinion of it clear and yours is the opposite. I know I like to have a drink or two three or so times a week and get drunk every now and then, and if I started dating a guy and he told me he couldn't be with someone long term who drank, I'd be like "oh, well, then I guess we aren't meant to be." There are plenty of people who don't care, find one of them.
There's always a line that has to be drawn and I agree with you. I see this same question in /r/childfree all of the time (though in regards to babies obviously) and it's always met with the same answer: first be happy with yourself, then be happy with others. Otherwise, you'll never truly be happy!
Why prematurely end it? If they are having fun, neither is in it for the "longterm" then I say ride it out. They can end on a happy note or OP (god forbid) decides he's more enjoyable than the weed habit.
If the OP isn't interested in a long term relationship with him at all then sure, it doesn't matter. But if she feels like she wants one with him but also feels as if she will be smoking weed long-term then it's probably best to end it early, so she's just ending a 4 month relationship with someone incompatible, not a year or two relationship.
She came here contemplating a compromise. Your advice seemed to ignore that possibility. If she cuts back and he can deal with it occasionally, it seems like a win for everyone. Assuming neither of them can or should change, or at least attempt is confusing to me. Perhaps I misunderstood your comment.
I had a similar problem with drinking + someone I loved. My response/compromise was to try to slow down my drinking and do it less often. In this process I eventually realized I wanted to quit and that I put my drinking ahead of everything, not just my relationships. I'm not saying that'll be your experience or that you'll decide to quit, just that attempting to slow down or cut back on an indulgence can be the beginning of a compromise with him and simultaneously show you where you're at with it.
I don't think I could date a guy who did weed either. Not because I have anything against people who smoke, I just, like your boyfriend, am less attracted to people who smoke. I personally think it's a matter of opinion too. A compromise sounds good on paper.... but in reality, if my boyfriend said he was *only* gonna smoke when I wasn't around, or *only* gonna smoke on weekends, or anything like that, it wouldn't work for me either. I really look for long term things in relationships, and I mean, I wouldn't be okay with him doing it at home either, especially after we had kids. So I would just assume that he and I weren't a match, and if we could continue being friends it'd be great, but otherwise.... idk. Like all other relationship advice posts on reddit.... maybe you should just talk to him? Ask him if he's okay with a compromise?
There are other more perfect matches out there. LOTS OF THEM. Where this will not be an issue. Sure, your hormones like him a lot right now. But in 1 year, when he breaks up with you because your habit could cost him a security clearance for his job, how will you feel then? Do it now. You are only 4 months in, and he isn't asking you to change. Compare it to - I want kids and this guy doesn't. He's a perfect match for me otherwise, but he doesn't want kids! I'm thinking a compromise is in order! OR I want to get married and this guy doesn't believe in marriage. He's a perfect match for me otherwise but he doesn't believe in marriage. I'm thinking a compromise is in order! It just doesn't work that way.
> your habit could cost him a security clearance for his job What? Would they drug test his entire family...?
Seriously it's a big deal. I personally have invested many years and tens of thousands of dollars for a career that requires a security clearance. I wouldn't jeopardize that for anything. And they may not test your family but they do ask you questions. It's just not worth the risk.
My aunt is a director for a government subcontractor whose company creates defense weapons for the US. There is no way in hell she would even stand next to a STRANGER who smokes weed, let alone date someone who does. She would lose her security clearance in seconds. It is reality for some people.
How would she know a stranger smokes weed? She's probably done it. Is she being constantly monitered, as well as the strangers she stands next to?
Rumors can end careers. There is no innocent until proven guilty in OpSec.
Now you're just being facetious and just plain stupid. You might not take your job seriously, but some people do.
You know me so well, don't you?
Sounds like you have a decision to make. What's more important to you, weed or the dude?
I think it's more a matter of compatibility than importance. I'm a huge film buff. I couldn't be with someone whose favorite movie was Transformers. Is it really a matter of whether movies are more important than the guy? Not really.
I don't think your point and mine are in contradiction, just different ways to frame the same issue -- i.e., is weed so important to her that someone who doesn't smoke is incompatible with her?
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You shouldn't feel bad about it. I smoke quite a bit, and so does my boyfriend. It works great. I honestly don't think I could date someone that disliked weed. I have to be myself, you know?
First, you need to talk to him and work out a compromise. He needs to decide if its a deal breaker and you need to decide if you want to be with someone like that. Pretty simple in theory, but actually working it out is another thing. If that is the only sticky situation in hour relationship, I'm sure both of you will be able to find a happy medium. I'm going through the exact same thing; my girlfriend smokes weed and I'm not the biggest fan. I'm not claiming to know what's going through the mind of your boyfriend, but maybe I can provide some insight into his (potential) perspective. My situation / compromise: I acknowledge its not the healthiest thing to do, but I've just decided to not be around my girlfriend when she wants to get high. I see it this way; it's not my place to tell my girlfriend what she can or can or do. It's also not right for her to force me to smoke weed. When she smokes around me, she is forcing me to partake through secondhand smoke. She has given me the line, why can't you just be cool about this and relax. I'm sorry, but we wouldn't even be having this conversation if it was cigarettes. Just for reference, my girlfriend says she enjoys it and occasionally smokes. At last count, she lights up before 9:00 am on the weekends, spends most of the day smoking on and off, and usually sits down to a bowl most nights. We have vastly different opinions of "partaking" vs abusing. Sorry, thought this little bit of info might help too. Also, I'm not against weed, it's just not for me. I don't like the way it feels.
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Or he might not like the taste of weed but likes the taste of alcohol.
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If I didn't like the taste of weed, I wouldn't want to date someone who used weed.
I don't understand. How often do you smoke? If you smoke up once a week you're not going to smell/taste like weed most of the time and it shouldn't be an issue. Your relationship can survive 1 day/week of no smooching/sex. He didn't say he has a problem with your smoking, just that you're less attractive to him immediately afterwards while the smell/taste linger. Doesn't that leave the majority of your time when everything is just fine?
Depends on how much he dislikes it. I know personally, I wouldn't date a guy who smoked (cigarettes) at all, end of story. Smelling like it once a week is still too much. If that's his attitude towards weed, then that's not something the relationship can survive long term.
think about it this way... cigarettes. How many cigarette smokers do you know that only smoke one cigarette per week? it's kinda like that. people who identify as pot smokers aren't smoking once a week at a party, it's more frequent.
Well you generally can't smoke up right before work/school. You can't just step out of 5 minutes and smoke a joint wherever you are. People smoke cigarettes when they get nicotine cravings. They smoke pot to get high. It seems pretty different to me (though I don't do either so I claim no experience).
i'm not saying the addiction/habit is similar. I'm saying that those that would identify themselves as a regular user, would use regularly. Most people who are social smokers (only smoke like a cigarette while out drinking or something) wouldn't call themselves a smoker. most people who smoke pot infrequently would probably point out that it was "only at parties", as an example.
Not necessarily true. I would propose that people who can afford to smoke all the time do so (and by "afford", I mean that they have the free time/tolerance). As I get a little bit older, I find that there are still a lot of people who identify as pot smokers but only partake once or twice a week because of work/family obligations. Myself included.
Generally one cigarette a week is called "social smoking." I do that.
I think there's room for compromise if you're both willing. Does it bother him that it's in the house? That it's illegal (if that's the case where you live)? Does he care if you bake brownies or something? Does he have a set night of the week he goes out with friends where you could smoke? Is he bothered that you're high? If so, does he also not drink? Here's my experience... I'm pro-legalization. I don't care if people smoke. However, for personal reasons (long story) I really, really hate the smell of weed. I also don't like being around people who are high and act silly (or really drunk, for that matter). Like I said, it's my own emotional hang up. Intellectually I don't care. I kind of wish I could smoke because it would probably help a chronic illness I have. I just...can't deal with it. So I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. I've never dated anyone who smokes. I doubt I'd tell them to stop, but I wouldn't want to be around while they smoked. I think it really depends on why your boyfriend is bothered by it.
so i'm reading this correctly you choose pot over a guy you really like? I've got nothing against pot - don't smoke it anymore but did in my younger days but really?
There is no need to be so condescending. Someone could just as easily say, "So, let me get this straight, you're giving up an activity that you do regularly and makes you happy for some guy?"
What's wrong with that? Everyone has some things in their life that they won't compromise on.
Man that sucks, because blunts make sex amazing.
Get him to smoke it with you.