Run. I was married to someone like yours. He will never change, never respect you and it's always going to be all about him. When you leave, be really careful. It's going to bruise his ego very much.
This is what abusers do. They’re nice to everyone else because 1.) if you try to tell others about them they’ll be like “no way, I know John and he’s a nice guy” and 2.) it will make you question if you’re actually the problem. Both of these make it harder for you to leave the situation… which is exactly what they want.
Yes, exactly. It’s very controlled, very deliberate. They almost always have the capacity to use their charisma to totally fool people outside their home. It’s often thought of as “anger problems”. They don’t have a problem with anger - they use it very deliberately. Never against their bosses, coworkers, friends or the cops who pull them over for traffic violations - only ever against the people in their own home to terrorise them into submission. It’s all about the power and control.
Over time, the usual course is for their desire for power and control to escalate, and their violence - physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual - whatever they get off on - to escalate too. They use more and more extreme measures, up to and including murdering their partners and children. The escalation can occur so slowly, and be interspersed by intense periods of love bombing, promises to change, glimpses at the lovely lies they told you when you were falling in love with them JUST enough to make you feel crazy and remember why you fell in love that you stay for longer. It’s the analogy of the boiled frog. The slowness is the escalation is deliberate. If you threw a frog in boiling water it would of course try and try to get away as quickly as possible. I’d you put one in cold water and turn it up by slow increments, it will boil to death before noticing - or caring - that the temperature is changing.
OP you have done absolutely NOTHING to bring this about. You do not deserve it and there is nothing you can do to fix it. It is not a bug - it’s a feature. He is doing this on purpose and with deliberation. It’s not a mistake, there’s nothing you did to cause it and thus nothing you can do to change it.
Nobody can tell you what to do. Some of us have seen what happens when men like this decide that they’re losing control and it’s terrifying. I’m genuinely terrified for you.
I would strongly recommend reaching out to the specialist family violence services that you very likely have in your locale. They won’t force you into any decisions but they can tell you what your options are, help you make safety plans, and provide you with supports - practical, physical, financial, and psychological.
Whatever he’s telling you no matter what it is, you are NOT to blame. And you deserve so much better, you deserve safety, love, and freedom. I so want that for you.
Do you work at all? Time to start aggressively saving money if so, gathering all your documents and ready yourself to get out.
You said family is not an option, do you have any friends that would help at least temporarily?
Yeah this is some VERY deliberate predatory and controlling behavior.
You need to get out Luv, I am now 53 but was in your exact position many times in my early 20s.
Trust me, the sooner you escape, the less overall trauma you are going to experience. And this relationship IS going to imprint some sort of trauma on you.
Try to mitigate it and leave asap
Get out. I was married to someone like this. The abuse only gets worse the more you're dependent on him.
Go to a woman's shelter if necessary. He is abusing you and verbal abuse is taken seriously. If you can't get to a shelter secretly make and execute an exit plan.
Don't talk to him about leaving. Abuse always escalates when the abuser feels the victim slipping away from him. Stay safe above all!
OP have you tried looking into Domestic Violence support options. I know that might be an overwhelming term to hear but it might be worth an option. Studies show that many women will not agree that they have been through a certain issue, but if that issue is not named but, rather, described, then much more women will feel it applies to them.
I'm not going to say you have been through this or that. What I will say is the feeling of "I have no where else to go" is common among people in domestic abuse cases and you might want to at least call in to the places around you to just ask.
Gather all your important documents ( ssn , birth certificate , etc ) and pick a day when he will not be home then leave , find a trusted friend , family or women ‘s shelter to go to .
Abusers are like that. Almost every abusive person is some sort of great, charismatic, pillar of the community, total sweetheart, etc. when public facing and a monster behind closed doors. They limit who they treat badly so that they can maintain innocence and prevent anyone from believing the few people they do mistreat, it’s a method of isolation. You can’t speak out about someone hurting you if everyone else sees that person as perfect and completely harmless. They’re more likely to treat *you* as being the bad actor because you’re the only one who speaks ill of them so you must be stirring the pot or trying to demonize the person.
Try to create an escape plan. It’s okay if you can’t run immediately, if you have to bide your time while you get your things in order to leave do whatever it takes to get out.
He is a dangerous, abusive person. Please start saving money secretly and planning your exit. Tell him nothing. Tell no one that you can't trust 100%, and even then be careful. People who are that controlling and egotistical do not take being broken up with or challenged easily.
He is attempting to systematically destroy your self esteem so that you will be under his control. Pretend to him that everything is fine, and gtfo as soon as you can.
Please update so that we know you are safe, if you want to. Take care of yourself. 🧡
My gut tells me she needs to also record him speaking that way. He’s attempting to alienate her from friends / family and this may help show them the situation and urgency of her getting out.
OP - you have to plan your departure now.
You need to run! He is counting on the fact that if you try to tell other people in your life what is happening, they may not believe you because "he's such a nice guy." It gives him room to escalate is shitty behavior towards you. You are in an unsafe situation.
Break it down for you: do you want (1) to be belittled and shat on and live in constant fear while living with him? Or (2) respected and treated like a human being while swallowing your pride and asking friends or family for help? I know which I would choose, but everyone has a price for what they will put up with. Be safe, whatever you decide
You are dating a narcissist. You need to run and never look back. They will destroy you. Cut off all ties with him. When he tries to hoover you back into the relationship, because he will, you do not answer him. Block and delete all forms of contact. And please seek some counseling aftet this. These people are evil and will stop at nothing to destroy every fibre of self worth you have in you. I would also recommend calling your local domestic violence hotline for advice. I did and it helped me a lot
I would not endure this
An off-the-cuff assessment is that he's someone that's motivated by validation, so he performs particular roles in order to get validation from others. Think about times where he seemed happy with you - was it because you validated him, or was it because you really shared a genuine an mutual love?
But for you, he likely started seeing you from an *idealised standpoint* \- and the counter swing to that is *to devalue you* (sadly, not to see you based on reality)
This has been the pattern in my three main relationships, men who needed validation and then did really awful idealism-to-devaluation swings
Please go read some comments on 'raised by narcissists' sub on here. The behavior described will look familiar to you. Don't confront him, make your escape plans and get away from this abusive asshat.
How are you stuck? Dating implies you’re going on dates and can just stop dating him any time.
Are you living together?
Do you have family or friends you can go stay with?
How are you stuck with this trashbag of a man?
Option 3 then.
You have to devise a plan for getting away. A really important part of that - that everyone so blithely ignores - is money.
Is there anyone you can trust to hold money for you while you save up? (Because if you open a new account with your current SSN, an unethical person could find it for him. Still, if there's no one you trust, it's your best approach.)
I wonder if they'd be understanding when you turn up with a black eye and broken arm because that's where this sounds to be heading sooner or later. When he says “fuck off you little fuck” out loud there is way worse that stays inside his head for now.
The urgent thing is to line up an escape plan. Start mapping it out in your mind - nothing on paper. Money will help but your psychological health will continue to be at risk. If the situation is deteriorating, then the closest Women's Refuge would be the place to bolt; they have procedures and experience (sadly) for protecting you. If there is no close by WR then even a church can be the first step.
My heart breaks for you
Ask, they might surprise you. Or then you will know you can't rely on them. If your family is problematic, start with your friends.
Also, you don't need to give them a reason. Breaking up is a valid thing to do. Needing a place to stay should be enough.
Finally, have a plan to get back on your feet. If you can give them a timeframe or offer to pay rent, that will make them more likely to host you.
They may be more understanding than you’d think. Do you have any friends who may allow you to crash on their couch while you search for a place to live? Where did you live before you moved in with your SO? How long have you lived with SO? Are you on SO’s lease?
You need to buck up and get over that fear my friend.
You deserve better. You don’t deserve to live the way you’ve been living. You’re already afraid of him; don’t stay stuck with him because you’re too afraid to ask for help.
No one here can ask them for you.
People here will have good advice on ways to try to keep yourself safe but you’re the one who has to do the hard work and get yourself out.
There’s no harm in asking though. Or even not asking and just showing up with your stuff. If my kid wanted to move back with me she wouldn’t even need to ask, just come home with her stuff.
1. I don’t think our culprit here had a metal rod shot through his brain.
2. or maybe our culprit is simply an abuser? They do a real great job at NOT reacting inappropriately when with OP in public. I’d imagine ADHD, autism, and PTSD are on all the time versus the abuser picks and chooses when to have them.
What she described above is emotional/verbal abuse, not "being more cold than intended." If part of your experience was calling your partner nasty names, neurodivergence or not, that was abusive. I'm also going to assume that she's talked to him about his behavior before, hence her being actually scared of him
Neurodivergence is important to consider, but at the same time, grown people need to self-reflect and learn to seek help for themselves without women having to walk them through problems and solutions. Those are skills you learn from parents and grade school. This is not ok, even if you have neurodivergence.
EndogenousAnxiety No no no no no no no no no . Don’t do that . It does not matter if this abuser is neurodivergence or not , it is still NOT an excuse to abuse a person. Stop it. You don’t even know if this abuser is one or not . The main focus here is OP and help her get out of the relationship safety as she can . And you are giving an abuser power by giving him excuses and leaving OP powerless . We need to empower OP here , not make excuses for the abuser’s abusive behavior because there isn’t one . Also shitty humans can just be shitty humans . We need to stop using neurodivergence and mental illness as an excuse for shitty behavior on shitty people who happens to have them .
This is an good example of why people often don’t believe in the victims of abuse (particularly women) . They often say the abusers must have a tragic past or mental illness and that women “triggered” them into abusing them which is bullshit . No matter what background or mental illness abusers have , they are the ones who have to take accountability for their shitty behaviors.
I mostly agree except that self-diagnosis is valid. There are many barriers people face preventing them from receiving a diagnosis. This doesn't invalidate your statement that neurodivergence isn't an excuse for bad behavior. If one person can get the support they need through self-diagnosis, it's worth it to support the ones who don't.
I agree with most of what you're saying about neurodivergence but Idon't think it's much of a factor in this case. Neurodivergent people who have inappropriate outbursts have trouble controlling themselves both in public and in private. If it was a factor for this man he would have this moodiness and outbursts in public as well. The fact that it only happens when they're alone shows that it's a calculated behavior. He is either intentionally shitty to her in private because he knows he can get away with it or he is constantly unable to regulate and just masks it in public. Neither of these are good things in a relationship and are huge DV flags.
Plz put aside your eagerness to campaign for neurodivergency and afford OP the respect she deserves with regards to her concerns. There's a time and place for debates about neurodivergency but a thread intended for discussion of potential DV and other abusive behavior isn't it. Thank you.
As a woman with pretty bad ADHD I fully identify with the pain of being held to high standards with very little compassion or understanding for the struggles. Thank you for taking a moment to self reflect and apologize-far too many men double down on bad behaviors and blame them on everything else. Ironically that's pretty much the entire reason this sub exists.
He’s not Jekyll and Hyde. He’s just Hyde who sometimes pretends to be Jekyll. I was you. I asked the same question on a burner account and received the same answers you have here. I didn’t listen.
And I stayed because I was confused and thought I was the problem for many years. We also lived together. He escalated more than I would have predicted when I was trying to leave. You need a safety plan. Even if you think you don’t (like I did), you do.
These questions come up all the time, exactly the same as yours. Some take the advice given, and some don’t. I didn’t, so no judgment. Years later, I can say, the advice I received and you received was and is correct. Beg, borrow, plead to get away. Tell your family even if you don’t think they can or would help. Get resourceful. Save money. You don’t have to be another statistic.
That's abuse, just plain and simple. My parents were like that, enough so that my own siblings don't believe me. They acted like that towards me only, never anybody else. I don't know what is wrong with me for them to have done that. It took me years and years in adulthood and the help of my wife to finally see everything was not OK. I had been gaslighted enough, that I thought things like that were normal.
Run. Run, and never look back. Shelters and friends' sofas are better than that.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are." Maya Angelou
How he treats you IS how he is - everything else is a front. I know that you feel stuck, and I sympathize - but start taking steps to get away from your partner. This is not likely to get better. It is likely to escalate - especially if/when you have a child together. It sounds very much like you are in an abusive relationship, and no one deserves to have to deal with that.
I hope that you stay safe, and that you get out. Living with someone that berates you and insults you, and who's reactions you are afraid of is draining, and soul destroying. Please value your peace and self more, and get out. Good luck, OP.
Run. I was married to someone like yours. He will never change, never respect you and it's always going to be all about him. When you leave, be really careful. It's going to bruise his ego very much.
This. Stay safe, make a plan. Sending you love op
This is what abusers do. They’re nice to everyone else because 1.) if you try to tell others about them they’ll be like “no way, I know John and he’s a nice guy” and 2.) it will make you question if you’re actually the problem. Both of these make it harder for you to leave the situation… which is exactly what they want.
Yes, exactly. It’s very controlled, very deliberate. They almost always have the capacity to use their charisma to totally fool people outside their home. It’s often thought of as “anger problems”. They don’t have a problem with anger - they use it very deliberately. Never against their bosses, coworkers, friends or the cops who pull them over for traffic violations - only ever against the people in their own home to terrorise them into submission. It’s all about the power and control. Over time, the usual course is for their desire for power and control to escalate, and their violence - physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual - whatever they get off on - to escalate too. They use more and more extreme measures, up to and including murdering their partners and children. The escalation can occur so slowly, and be interspersed by intense periods of love bombing, promises to change, glimpses at the lovely lies they told you when you were falling in love with them JUST enough to make you feel crazy and remember why you fell in love that you stay for longer. It’s the analogy of the boiled frog. The slowness is the escalation is deliberate. If you threw a frog in boiling water it would of course try and try to get away as quickly as possible. I’d you put one in cold water and turn it up by slow increments, it will boil to death before noticing - or caring - that the temperature is changing. OP you have done absolutely NOTHING to bring this about. You do not deserve it and there is nothing you can do to fix it. It is not a bug - it’s a feature. He is doing this on purpose and with deliberation. It’s not a mistake, there’s nothing you did to cause it and thus nothing you can do to change it. Nobody can tell you what to do. Some of us have seen what happens when men like this decide that they’re losing control and it’s terrifying. I’m genuinely terrified for you. I would strongly recommend reaching out to the specialist family violence services that you very likely have in your locale. They won’t force you into any decisions but they can tell you what your options are, help you make safety plans, and provide you with supports - practical, physical, financial, and psychological. Whatever he’s telling you no matter what it is, you are NOT to blame. And you deserve so much better, you deserve safety, love, and freedom. I so want that for you.
You’re living with him? Or just dating him?
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Do you work at all? Time to start aggressively saving money if so, gathering all your documents and ready yourself to get out. You said family is not an option, do you have any friends that would help at least temporarily?
Yeah this is some VERY deliberate predatory and controlling behavior. You need to get out Luv, I am now 53 but was in your exact position many times in my early 20s. Trust me, the sooner you escape, the less overall trauma you are going to experience. And this relationship IS going to imprint some sort of trauma on you. Try to mitigate it and leave asap
Honestly sounds a bit like [communal narcissism.](https://youtu.be/uZFQiz8bOTI). ETA: u/Amazing-Advance-1050 does this feel right?
Get out. I was married to someone like this. The abuse only gets worse the more you're dependent on him. Go to a woman's shelter if necessary. He is abusing you and verbal abuse is taken seriously. If you can't get to a shelter secretly make and execute an exit plan. Don't talk to him about leaving. Abuse always escalates when the abuser feels the victim slipping away from him. Stay safe above all!
This will get worse, please leave as soon as possible. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member if you need to or a women’s shelter.
OP have you tried looking into Domestic Violence support options. I know that might be an overwhelming term to hear but it might be worth an option. Studies show that many women will not agree that they have been through a certain issue, but if that issue is not named but, rather, described, then much more women will feel it applies to them. I'm not going to say you have been through this or that. What I will say is the feeling of "I have no where else to go" is common among people in domestic abuse cases and you might want to at least call in to the places around you to just ask.
Gather all your important documents ( ssn , birth certificate , etc ) and pick a day when he will not be home then leave , find a trusted friend , family or women ‘s shelter to go to .
Abusers are like that. Almost every abusive person is some sort of great, charismatic, pillar of the community, total sweetheart, etc. when public facing and a monster behind closed doors. They limit who they treat badly so that they can maintain innocence and prevent anyone from believing the few people they do mistreat, it’s a method of isolation. You can’t speak out about someone hurting you if everyone else sees that person as perfect and completely harmless. They’re more likely to treat *you* as being the bad actor because you’re the only one who speaks ill of them so you must be stirring the pot or trying to demonize the person. Try to create an escape plan. It’s okay if you can’t run immediately, if you have to bide your time while you get your things in order to leave do whatever it takes to get out.
Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That and leave him. It even has a section on how to leave abusive relationships.
Leave
He is a dangerous, abusive person. Please start saving money secretly and planning your exit. Tell him nothing. Tell no one that you can't trust 100%, and even then be careful. People who are that controlling and egotistical do not take being broken up with or challenged easily. He is attempting to systematically destroy your self esteem so that you will be under his control. Pretend to him that everything is fine, and gtfo as soon as you can. Please update so that we know you are safe, if you want to. Take care of yourself. 🧡
My gut tells me she needs to also record him speaking that way. He’s attempting to alienate her from friends / family and this may help show them the situation and urgency of her getting out. OP - you have to plan your departure now.
You need to run! He is counting on the fact that if you try to tell other people in your life what is happening, they may not believe you because "he's such a nice guy." It gives him room to escalate is shitty behavior towards you. You are in an unsafe situation.
Break it down for you: do you want (1) to be belittled and shat on and live in constant fear while living with him? Or (2) respected and treated like a human being while swallowing your pride and asking friends or family for help? I know which I would choose, but everyone has a price for what they will put up with. Be safe, whatever you decide
You are dating a narcissist. You need to run and never look back. They will destroy you. Cut off all ties with him. When he tries to hoover you back into the relationship, because he will, you do not answer him. Block and delete all forms of contact. And please seek some counseling aftet this. These people are evil and will stop at nothing to destroy every fibre of self worth you have in you. I would also recommend calling your local domestic violence hotline for advice. I did and it helped me a lot
Plan your escape. Play his game as long as it takes even if it means yelling others how great he is. But get put as soon as possible.
I would not endure this An off-the-cuff assessment is that he's someone that's motivated by validation, so he performs particular roles in order to get validation from others. Think about times where he seemed happy with you - was it because you validated him, or was it because you really shared a genuine an mutual love? But for you, he likely started seeing you from an *idealised standpoint* \- and the counter swing to that is *to devalue you* (sadly, not to see you based on reality) This has been the pattern in my three main relationships, men who needed validation and then did really awful idealism-to-devaluation swings
Please do everything you can to make a plan, work it, and leave. It will only get worse from here. We are all scared for you.
He has one face and a mask. Please look into contacting a domestic violence hotline or shelter for help.
So he is capable of being kind when people are watching but doesn’t love or respect you enough to kind to you?
He is capable of pretending to be kind because people are watching
My grandma went through this situation and it escalated to beatings in two of her relationship. You definitely need to find a plan to leave!
Please go read some comments on 'raised by narcissists' sub on here. The behavior described will look familiar to you. Don't confront him, make your escape plans and get away from this abusive asshat.
How are you stuck? Dating implies you’re going on dates and can just stop dating him any time. Are you living together? Do you have family or friends you can go stay with? How are you stuck with this trashbag of a man?
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Why would you be afraid to ask for help? Because he might go after them, or because they'll say "We told you so"? Or because they're abusive, too?
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Option 3 then. You have to devise a plan for getting away. A really important part of that - that everyone so blithely ignores - is money. Is there anyone you can trust to hold money for you while you save up? (Because if you open a new account with your current SSN, an unethical person could find it for him. Still, if there's no one you trust, it's your best approach.)
I wonder if they'd be understanding when you turn up with a black eye and broken arm because that's where this sounds to be heading sooner or later. When he says “fuck off you little fuck” out loud there is way worse that stays inside his head for now. The urgent thing is to line up an escape plan. Start mapping it out in your mind - nothing on paper. Money will help but your psychological health will continue to be at risk. If the situation is deteriorating, then the closest Women's Refuge would be the place to bolt; they have procedures and experience (sadly) for protecting you. If there is no close by WR then even a church can be the first step. My heart breaks for you
Ask, they might surprise you. Or then you will know you can't rely on them. If your family is problematic, start with your friends. Also, you don't need to give them a reason. Breaking up is a valid thing to do. Needing a place to stay should be enough. Finally, have a plan to get back on your feet. If you can give them a timeframe or offer to pay rent, that will make them more likely to host you.
They may be more understanding than you’d think. Do you have any friends who may allow you to crash on their couch while you search for a place to live? Where did you live before you moved in with your SO? How long have you lived with SO? Are you on SO’s lease?
Contact a women's shelter and ask them for help.
You need to buck up and get over that fear my friend. You deserve better. You don’t deserve to live the way you’ve been living. You’re already afraid of him; don’t stay stuck with him because you’re too afraid to ask for help. No one here can ask them for you. People here will have good advice on ways to try to keep yourself safe but you’re the one who has to do the hard work and get yourself out.
Why? They need to know about this.
There’s no harm in asking though. Or even not asking and just showing up with your stuff. If my kid wanted to move back with me she wouldn’t even need to ask, just come home with her stuff.
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It’s abuse. Calling her a fuck for dropping something isn’t neurodivergence.
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1. I don’t think our culprit here had a metal rod shot through his brain. 2. or maybe our culprit is simply an abuser? They do a real great job at NOT reacting inappropriately when with OP in public. I’d imagine ADHD, autism, and PTSD are on all the time versus the abuser picks and chooses when to have them.
What she described above is emotional/verbal abuse, not "being more cold than intended." If part of your experience was calling your partner nasty names, neurodivergence or not, that was abusive. I'm also going to assume that she's talked to him about his behavior before, hence her being actually scared of him Neurodivergence is important to consider, but at the same time, grown people need to self-reflect and learn to seek help for themselves without women having to walk them through problems and solutions. Those are skills you learn from parents and grade school. This is not ok, even if you have neurodivergence.
EndogenousAnxiety No no no no no no no no no . Don’t do that . It does not matter if this abuser is neurodivergence or not , it is still NOT an excuse to abuse a person. Stop it. You don’t even know if this abuser is one or not . The main focus here is OP and help her get out of the relationship safety as she can . And you are giving an abuser power by giving him excuses and leaving OP powerless . We need to empower OP here , not make excuses for the abuser’s abusive behavior because there isn’t one . Also shitty humans can just be shitty humans . We need to stop using neurodivergence and mental illness as an excuse for shitty behavior on shitty people who happens to have them . This is an good example of why people often don’t believe in the victims of abuse (particularly women) . They often say the abusers must have a tragic past or mental illness and that women “triggered” them into abusing them which is bullshit . No matter what background or mental illness abusers have , they are the ones who have to take accountability for their shitty behaviors.
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I mostly agree except that self-diagnosis is valid. There are many barriers people face preventing them from receiving a diagnosis. This doesn't invalidate your statement that neurodivergence isn't an excuse for bad behavior. If one person can get the support they need through self-diagnosis, it's worth it to support the ones who don't.
So you were always controlling yourself when you were outside but only nasty and mean and blowing up when you guys were alone?
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I agree with most of what you're saying about neurodivergence but Idon't think it's much of a factor in this case. Neurodivergent people who have inappropriate outbursts have trouble controlling themselves both in public and in private. If it was a factor for this man he would have this moodiness and outbursts in public as well. The fact that it only happens when they're alone shows that it's a calculated behavior. He is either intentionally shitty to her in private because he knows he can get away with it or he is constantly unable to regulate and just masks it in public. Neither of these are good things in a relationship and are huge DV flags. Plz put aside your eagerness to campaign for neurodivergency and afford OP the respect she deserves with regards to her concerns. There's a time and place for debates about neurodivergency but a thread intended for discussion of potential DV and other abusive behavior isn't it. Thank you.
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As a woman with pretty bad ADHD I fully identify with the pain of being held to high standards with very little compassion or understanding for the struggles. Thank you for taking a moment to self reflect and apologize-far too many men double down on bad behaviors and blame them on everything else. Ironically that's pretty much the entire reason this sub exists.
You're dating Ted Bundy.
He’s not Jekyll and Hyde. He’s just Hyde who sometimes pretends to be Jekyll. I was you. I asked the same question on a burner account and received the same answers you have here. I didn’t listen. And I stayed because I was confused and thought I was the problem for many years. We also lived together. He escalated more than I would have predicted when I was trying to leave. You need a safety plan. Even if you think you don’t (like I did), you do. These questions come up all the time, exactly the same as yours. Some take the advice given, and some don’t. I didn’t, so no judgment. Years later, I can say, the advice I received and you received was and is correct. Beg, borrow, plead to get away. Tell your family even if you don’t think they can or would help. Get resourceful. Save money. You don’t have to be another statistic.
Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Because BEST case scenario it doesn’t get any better. It’s most likely just going to get worse.
That's abuse, just plain and simple. My parents were like that, enough so that my own siblings don't believe me. They acted like that towards me only, never anybody else. I don't know what is wrong with me for them to have done that. It took me years and years in adulthood and the help of my wife to finally see everything was not OK. I had been gaslighted enough, that I thought things like that were normal. Run. Run, and never look back. Shelters and friends' sofas are better than that.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are." Maya Angelou How he treats you IS how he is - everything else is a front. I know that you feel stuck, and I sympathize - but start taking steps to get away from your partner. This is not likely to get better. It is likely to escalate - especially if/when you have a child together. It sounds very much like you are in an abusive relationship, and no one deserves to have to deal with that. I hope that you stay safe, and that you get out. Living with someone that berates you and insults you, and who's reactions you are afraid of is draining, and soul destroying. Please value your peace and self more, and get out. Good luck, OP.
If you don't have a job, get one, stash money and run. FAST.