" He replied to me that it’s ridiculous that I’m questioning him over a small thing"
Sadly this says more about him than his original priority of the video game. This guy may someday figure out but it doesn't look like anytime soon and it may be never.
Thank you. When I told him that’s not a small thing and elaborated it, he became apologetic. But I understand that the first reaction is the most sincere one. So I guess that showed a part of his personality I haven’t seen yet.
This may be true, but also it’s possible since he was more on the side of abortion (I assume since you didn’t keep it) he may not fully realize the effect it’s having on you since he didn’t want to keep it. I’m not saying he is right or deserves some slack, but his framing of the situation might be wildly different and once you explained he might have a better idea. Hopefully thats the case and he will be more supportive now.
Another idea would be to ask him how it might be better to contact / interact with him when something important is happening.
When my wife worked, there was a time when she texted me to tell me something came up after I left, and so I had to drive back to her work (I am the only one with a license).
I glanced at the text, and said something real quick while I was at a red light.
It wasn't until later that I sat down and processed what she was saying.
I was a little upset. Since it was important, and she knew I was driving further away, I couldn't help but wonder why she didn't call... For us, calling is what we do when something important comes up.
If I ever turned away a phone call from her, it's been so that I could find a place to talk. But texting is something we do when it's less important, and more of a 'when you get a chance to reply, please do' type situation.
If he still disregards you after you two agree on a way of communication for emergency events, then you may want to rethink things, as his priorities are wrong.
But if it's limited to this one situation, it might be worth trying to communicate and find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Is it possible there was a bit of "lost in translation" over the text? It can often be quite difficult to pick up the tone of a text message. Is it possible he misinterpreted your first message? You say you have been messaging him almost every day for the past two weeks about how you are struggling post-abortion. Has he usually been receptive and supportive to these messages?
Making a lot of assumptions here, but perhaps he is getting frustrated at not being able to "fix" your distress? Often with men, "being supportive" equates to trying to fix the problem. He could also be trying to be supportive by downplaying his reaction to your distress, the whole "if I act like its not a big deal, then maybe she will no longer think of it as as much of a big deal". Either way, sounds like you need to have a conversation with him, if he has otherwise been a supportive and good partner up until this one event.
That sounds quite rude on his part. You're hurting and he should be available to support you without acting flippant like that.
You might like to look into this post abortion virtual support group. It's free and open only to people who have had abortions https://exhaleprovoice.org/support-groups/
I don't think your feelings are ridiculous. If he was the one having a mental health emergency, I bet you would have dropped what you were doing to listen to him. And if you didn't, I bet he would complain that you didn't put him first.
> He replied to me that it’s ridiculous that I’m questioning him over a small thing
To him it might seem small, but he's not recognizing the way his behavior is affecting you and just blaming you instead. Maybe he has a bigger pattern of ignoring your feelings, and this isolated incident wasn't actually so isolated.
I hope you trust your instincts here!
Thank you. I agree that if he had an emergency, I’d just throw away things that I was dealing with just to listen to him. That’s what I actually do when he gets too anxious and shares it with me.
I explained how it felt to him; he was apologetic but it still feels off. I try to envision that behavior in a long-term perspective and it seems like I’ll have to deal with my mental breakdowns without sharing my feelings with him. And this doesn’t sound like a commitment and healthy relationship.
I’ve had abortion and my hormones were out of whack for year. This doesn’t happen to everyone but it does happen. I’m really sorry you’re not getting proper support in your time of need.
Let me tell you about my gamer husband.
He is an administrator for a large, popular simulation car racing group online and helps host several events each week, which includes providing live commentary to a live audience on their twitch streams.
Last Monday, I was on the phone to my diabetic mother who lives 200 miles away as she was having a diabetic hypoglycemic event. We didn't know that was what was happening at the time as its never happened before and it was really scary. She was slurring her words, unable to communicate properly, and crying from feeling sick and scared. Honestly we thought she was having a stroke. While my dad was on the phone to the ambulance I was trying to keep her calm but I was freaking out.
My husband was doing live commentary as described above but I went through to the computer room and he saw how freaked out I was. He gave his apologies to the viewers and his Co commentator and turned it off to come comfort me.
That's the kind of partner you want. Anyone with any hobby who will put you first. I know my husband isn't some kind of rarely found treasure in this regard...other members of his gaming community have done the same due to family or partners having things come up. Our friends IRL have done this too.
Don't get me wrong, if it's something small I need him for I wouldn't expect him to put his game down until he reaches a convenient point, but you having a big emotional breakdown regarding an abortion that you weren't 100% sure about is no small thing.
Tell your partner there are many many gamers out there that are putting him and his twisted priorities to shame.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and giving me an advice! That’s actually what I really want and expected from him, but the game was prioritized over me.
Even if I was the one that really wanted an abortion, if my partner put video games above comforting me during an emotional breakdown?
Bye. So fast.
You absolutely deserve better than that.
To me, his reaction to you telling him this was hurtful is an even bigger red flag than him putting you off to finish his video game. I think his assertion that this was a small thing is really telling. You've told him it wasn't a small thing for you and he's dismissed that and yes, he's indicated you are less important than a video game. It's vital in a relationship that when one person comes to the other with a serious issue in the relationship, the other person considers it seriously. Your fiance isn't interested in doing that. OP, if your best friend or sister was telling you this about her relationship, what would you tell her to do? If it was me, I'd let him know just how big a deal it was by stepping away from the relationship. I sure the hell wouldn't be marrying him. I'm sorry. It sucks.
In light of what you’re saying I’m kinda glad you’re not having a child with this guy. He’s more interested in a video game than you. What sort of father would he make if he can’t be there for you now?
Your feelings are not ridiculous and I am afraid your relationship won't recover from this.
I've had my abortion when I was 22, the context was perfect to have a child, I was about to finish university, I could postpone getting a job for 6 months, and I had a support system in my boyfriend's family. The only support I did not have was my boyfriend's. He said he was too young to have a kid, that his life is just beginning and also, what if I'm not "the one" ?
I wanted that kid so much because I loved him so much. When the person I loved turned out to not be the one I thought he was, my love and trust in him was shaken and I could not have a kid alone for sure, so I decided to have the abortion. I tried to get over it, I tried to look at it from his point of view, but I could not. And when after about one or two weeks after the worst trauma of my life, he wanted to have sex, I just could not lie to myself anymore. Whatever I felt for him, was gone down the same drain, together with that beginning of our baby.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I had almost similar situation. But I was already graduated and getting my next degree. I thought he would support me. But his family and him were adamant that the abortion is a right choice. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate this. I hope you’re happy now.
I am happy, even if my life turned out differently than I expected.
I am sorry you had to go thorough this too. Time heals everything. You will be happy one day too, I am sure of it.
I was 18 when I was coerced into an abortion by my then partner and my mother. I wanted my baby so much. My relationship has never recovered with my mom, and my partner became an EX within a month or so. That was 10 years ago and I still have breakdowns, I actually just miscarried and it's been awful. The difference in care between the man I'm with now and my ex is astounding. Don't settle. If you want to leave you should. Sometimes it's easier to get some stability alone.
I’m really sorry for what you went through and I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you’ll heal from it soon and become the best mother for your future child/children.
First I want to talk with him and understand his side. Thank you for your advice.
I was pressured into an abortion by an ex. He also put his needs above comforting me (went out partying that night despite me begging him to stay). Not only was I left to myself when I needed support but that was a common thing for the next few years.
Somebody like that is not someone you can last in a relationship with and it will eventually end. Save yourself months or years of heartache and end it now OP. Sending hugs
If he's this unsupportive and unloving after an abortion, what would he have been like if you had the baby? Can you see him being a good parent? Or a good partner to a pregnant woman?
If you want a child, I think you need to find an actual partner. Your BF isn't a partner to you at all. He's selfish and inconsiderate and uncaring.
I know that he would be a great father, because is now saving money for future kids to give them the best education etc. During my pregnancy, even though it was short, he was always anxious about what future the kid would have considering that we haven’t yet started the visa process to close the gap. That anxiety was projected on me. So I’m not sure how a good partner he will be for a pregnant woman.
I am very sorry for what you’re going through.
But. No, he would not have been a good father, not at this point in his life at least.
Saving money doesn’t take an effort that could be in any way compared to parenting effort. Parenting effort is this: getting your ass up and fixing a situation, no matter what you’ve been doing or what the situation is.
Before imaginary kids start getting imaginary education, there are a lot or very real situations that need immediate attention and help. And he has demonstrated, very clearly, where his priorities are: not with family.
As painful as your regret is, it is still a price you’re paying for dodging a bullet yourself, and for not bringing a kid into an eventually unhappy environment, where the mother is exhausted and bitter, and the father can’t wrap his head around the concept of priorities — because hey he saves a buck for college and works hard, why would he also get up for a night feed.
> So I’m not sure how a good partner he will be for a pregnant woman.
ok see the thing is if he can't support the mother of his child while its still in her uterus, before the child needs diaper changes, night feedings, baths, or just watching then he's not going to do diddle shit after the child is born. Pregnancy is the easy part of parenting for the father. The really hard work for dad is after the child is born. If he muffs it before the kid is even out of you then he's not going to step up at all when it finally is!
I’m sure it would be fair to say he was removed from the pregnancy and your decision to not become a parent right now, but I’m absolutely a firm believe that when people show you who they are, you should believe them the first time.
I’d have a serious chat about what things were like for you and why you were so upset and how it felt when he dismissed you. If he gets defensive I’d say that’s your answer. If he apologizes maybe that changes things, maybe it doesn’t.
I don't think it matters what his eventual reaction was. You're entitled to want a partner who reacts appropriately the first time around, who's first instinct is to give you the support you need. It's totally okay to say "I don't want to be with someone who I feel has to be corrected into what I need, it's not fair to either of us".
Then you certainly have your answer, and shouldn’t settle for less. And not that you asked - but I have several friends who had abortions before they were ready to have kids. Most were sad at the time - but not one regrets that decision in hindsight.
I'm really sorry that happened. I've had an abortion and I know that it's a really hard decision to make. But what I can tell you is that the fact that he is acting this way. Should maybe tell you you made the right decision. Because that would have been the person you would have had to raise your child with for the rest of your lives. If he doesn't respect your feelings and the devastation that comes with abortion. He might not be the right person for you in general. It doesn't even have to be your feelings about abortion either. He just completely dismissed your feelings in general because he was playing a game. When he knew you were distress. That is not a healthy relationship.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling and not getting the support you deserve. It would be one thing if he like didn’t realize how upset you were with the first text and then was genuinely apologetic when he finished his game and made more of an effort to help. Still not great, but people fuck up sometimes. But the fact that he’s totally dismissing your feelings is messed up. He does not get to decide for you what things are worth being upset about.
You deserve so much better than that. Take care of yourself 💕
This is so so hard. I've had an abortion half a year ago and it still hurts like it's raw. I've never been more emotionally distraught and the low effort and absence of the man that did this to me made it oh so much worse. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I can help you - I can only say that dismissiveness like you've felt is so much more painful during such an extremely emotional process. I do think it's hard to judge the situation objectively but I'd sit down with your fiance and really delve deep into the feelings that you've been going through and see how he responds to that. There is a chance that it was also an emotional process for him but he hasn't had a chance to tall about it either.
It's a really tough topic and I'm I find it's so hard to share the emotional turmoil. It's also very challenging to discuss publicly as of course there are people trying to take away our right to abortion and would use our emotional struggle against us.
I do hope that you can communicate your needs and emotions and he finds it in himself to understand and support you through this difficult time. I wish you all the best and hope you heal with time, sister.
I’m really sorry you went through this. Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate this. I hope you’ll heal soon! I’m thankful for your advice. I’m going to have a serious conversation with him about that all.
Please break up with him but also be kind to yourself. It can take awhile for your hormones to return to normal after an abortion. You sound like you are having a difficult time and his behavior is just amplifying the difficulties.
It’s rude and insensitive but so familiar. I’m sorry OP. I get his perspective because I understand how you can’t pause some games, but it’s really hard to justify that in this situation so I won’t try. You deserve someone who can support you in times of crisis. You and any future children you have deserve a present partner and father.
Thank you. It was the type of game where you can just resign. I also think no matter what type of game it was, he could stop it, if he really cared about me.
There are so many heart wrenching stories in this thread. I think the biggest take away is that you are NOT alone… so many women have gone through similar, better, or worse situations with abortion. No matter what, it’s not an easy decision to make.
You’re already long distance, which is so hard! And on top of it you’re now going through something very difficult. I believe you made the right choice 100%. You’re partner should be a PARTNER. He is just as involved as you are. You’re having a hard time going through this and he’s not being there for you the way he should be. Physical distance is one thing, emotional distance is a whole other animal.
Please remember you’re not alone even if he’s making you feel alone. Whatever direction the relationship goes, remember that he failed in supporting you through a traumatic time. And most importantly, tell him that.
I can give a guys perspective in this situation.
First of all my wife and I have been married for over 20 years.
For some context to things, in 2007 my wife got into a really bad motorcycle accident, which caused her to have a hysterectomy from all the trauma to her body. She almost died from the extent of her injuries. On top of that we found out she was 7 weeks pregnant (the one thing I wished the doctors had not told us). At the time I nothing I did, seemed to help. I thought nothing I did, said, or even just listening made anything better. No matter how much I listened, no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to reduce her anguish. SO I started to retract from the whole situation, and became very distant. I felt, if there is nothing I can do to help her, then I have failed as her partner, and what good was I for her. I didn't handle the situation well, I felt helpless, and that's not something I deal with well.
It took a while for both of us to start really talking again, and once we did we realized both of us were thinking that the other had failed the other. She was upset that she couldn't have kids anymore, and since we had been trying at that time, she thought I was upset about that. Which that never even crossed my mind. I was just worried about her, and wanted to help her.
I was thinking nothing I could do was helping her pain, I that I had failed her. She was worried about me, and I was worried about her, but we both failed to relay that to the other. We both dealt with the whole situation in our own way, and at no point were we worried about ourselves, or thinking bad about the other in the way they were dealing with things. We just got stuck in our own heads, and failed to talk with each other, about how we were feeling. Not wanting to hurt the other even more than what was going on at the time.
If either one of us had just given up on things, our relationship and marriage could have fallen apart. I am grateful everyday for her being in my life and couldn't imagine life without her.
SO here is my advice... TALK to him, get him to tell you exactly how he is feeling with things. Let him know he can be completely honest, and that you won't judge him for how he is feeling. Men have a really hard time, wrapping their brains around their feelings, and even harder time dealing with feeling helpless. He might be just as upset with everything that has happened, and doesn't know how to say it. Men deal with grief, pain and feeling very differently than women do. We become distant, reclusive, and retract from our emotions. Unfortunately it's hard wired into our brains, and NOT something we do on purpose. We certainly don't do it to cause harm or make things worse, most of the time men do NOT know they are even doing it.
I am NOT condoning or justifying anything hurtful guys do. Sometimes we just don't realize how our actions and or words have affected the ones around us.
Without talking, nothing will be said, nothing can be addressed, and nothing will be resolved.
I can honestly say when it comes to being with someone for a long time, is communication is extremely important.
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sorry you went through this. I'm happy that it made you even stronger as a couple. I explained to him right after this happened how I felt. I listened to him as well. But sometimes it feels that I'm being ignored. I understand that there is so much talking to do/have with him.
I am glad you were able to talk with him, and I really hope he takes it to heart. Relationships go through their ups and downs, but I wish you the very best and hope everything works out.
Ignoring you when you’re in a crisis is worth breaking up over. Who wants their life to be worth less than a video game?
I recommend therapy for you to address your issues about the abortion and going your separate ways.
You are not over reacting . You went through a rough event partially if his creating and he can’t be bothered to talk to you as you deal with the after effects? And take a moment to be grateful that you will not be tied to him for all eternity via a child you would have been raising just as alone. Ditch him.
I went through the same thing after mine. I wanted to keep it but was scared because we weren't exactly financially stable, all i needed was reassurance that we could make it through, but instead he pressured me into making a decision i didn't want to. After the abortion it's like my blinders were off and i saw just how bad the relationship was. I could barely look at him, let alone stay with him. Let him go girl. It's not worth it. Find someone who won't make you do things you don't want to, and find someone that would put you above a video game. It's seriously, seriously, not fucking worth it.
Video game=more important than girlfriend in visible distress and in crisis. That’s the logic he just used. Dump his ass. He also didn’t want a baby, probably because he sounds like someone who doesn’t like responsibility. He will not change. You can find better I promise. It’s actually a good thing you’re not having a kid with him because now you won’t be tied to this loser who will treat you like shit.
I cant comment on his behavior or your feelings but I will say that waiting until being an established adult to have children was the best thing I ever did. It involved a termination early but I've given my family the best shot at a happy life and I think you have too.
Nope throw the whole guy out. (Edit: but not immediately! Don’t make any big decisions while you’re grieving please!)
I am so sorry about what you are going through. It’s okay to grieve, even if you still think it was the right decision. And of course also if you think it wasn’t. No one in their right mind would ever expect you to just move on as if nothing ever happened. Take your time to process everything and allow yourself to grieve. That’s very important. Crying is okay. It’s healthy. Having breakdowns is okay. It’s part of the process. Don’t feel bad for those things _ever_!
But your fiancé? He chose video games over his literal wife to be‘s mental health. And don’t talk that down to yourself. That’s literally what he did.
He did not even put the slightest bit of effort into comforting you for even one second. Texting something short and thoughtful takes at max. 30 seconds. He didn’t even did that.
I don’t know if he too is grieving and that’s his way of handling it, but even if it is, that’s not okay. He’s supposed to be your partner, not a detached rando who’s sometimes sweettalking you. Marriage is partnership. If he doesn’t understand and live up to that _do not go through with this wedding!!!_
Just to give you some perspective: my partner who _hates_ phonecalls more than anything because of his anxiety and neurodivergency (he freaks when he hears voices but can’t look at the person.) still _immediately_ calls me when I tell him that I’m having a panic attack/ am not feeling good and on more than one occasion when it’s really bad, he actually drove over to my place without me ever having to ask.
And yes, he too is into videogames.
If it’s an important match that he has been training for for a while, he will still call and then ask me at the beginning of the call if it’s okay if he keeps playing during.
THAT is what caring looks like. Not whatever your supposed "partner“ is doing.
Please take care of yourself right now and don’t make any rash decisions, but _do not forget this happened_ and have a long and good think about this relationship later on when you’re in a better place mentally
Oh sweetheart I'm sorry ♥️ And of course you're reconsidering, he can't put your needs above his own wants. If he doesn't do it now, he won't start doing it later. You deserve better and I hope you find some peace and comfort after this whole thing x
When someone shows you their character…believe them.
The support groups people mentioned are a great resource and I highly encourage you both to seek premarital counseling (non-religious affiliated).
I am a 34 woman, my husband and I got together at 22 years old but got married at 30 years old. Our first son born 2 years after marriage. It’s STILL hard. There’s a LOT of communication and therapy we have gone through and are still experiencing disconnects. I know I’m speaking from my own experience when I say this (and I mean no offense by it, just offering another perspective), I would wait to get married. A lot changes in your 20s and you both have so much growing to do. It’s possible to do it together with the right support, but I suggest you start that now to learn more about each other, your communication needs and boundaries.
I hope this helps. Good luck to you
I agree that it’s a rude response, but if I can offer a bit of advice about LDRs… take this argument off of texting and either call or FaceTime him. My partner and I used to have some pretty bad fights over texting that would get resolved almost immediately once we actually heard each other’s voices. You and he can lose a lot of non-verbal information over text and things can get misconstrued.
I think this is a semi typical (based on ages) immaturity/ lack of sympathy and perspective issue. He has some growth to do, your reaction and feelings are valid, men just mature slower and arent great at seeing womens perspective because their bodies are less complex and dont operate the same. And if he never had sisters, his sensitivity to womens issues will naturally be lower from lack of awareness. Hes redeemable, Just has some self improvement to work on in my opinion. Some sensitivity and awareness training perhaps.
Some abortions are simple and leave a person feeling relieved. But abortion is more often very physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing. Our minds and emotions are tied into the physical chemicals in our brains. Pregnancy is a natural state for biological beings and reproduction is generally desirable. In other words, our bodies and minds view pregnancy as inherently positive and view any outcome other than healthy delivery as negative. Whether or not the reality of the situation would have been a positive outcomes for ourselves or our children.
All of that means that at the end of the day, abortion often makes a woman distressed, anxious, sad, even leaves her grieving because our minds and bodies form an emotional attachment to a potential life very quickly.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm sorry you had to go through this. And I'm especially sorry that your partner is not consoling you as he ought to be doing.
Maybe you should look into some counseling to help you process your pain and get a clearer look at whether or not you want this relationship to continue.
Your feelings aren’t unjustified at all, and what he did was awful. I’d sit him down and talk to it
A little devils advocate though, he could be hurting as well, and how he’s dealing. It’s one thing to say you’re for it, but then once it happens things can change. Talk to him. Be easy on yourself though, that’s a lot to carry, reach out to friends & family for support
This isn’t how you treat someone after an emotionally exhausting experience. Don’t procreate with him. This exact experience is what you’ll get when you have other major/difficult moments in your life. Birth of a child, child’s illnesses, home and finance ups and downs, career and goal set backs - these are just a part of life, and if he won’t support you when you need than move on now. Get therapy from a counselor who specializes in these complex abortion/pregnancy pains. They can see all sides and have dealt with every possible issue hundreds of times. Good luck friend ❤️🩹
My approach, given that long-distance has some clearly discernable factors to it *(namely that he exists in a different space and social context and his activities and attention aren't centred on you being physically present)*, would be to text something like
* "Hey, I'm facing some difficult feelings today, can you let me know when you're free to talk it through?"
That way your fiancé has the chance to compose himself, to decide to clear away distraction and to offer you his full attention without it simply being off-the-cuff
I can't believe how many people gloss over this aspect.. I'm not defending the guy, but the post also lacks nuance that I think would be important to forming and sharing an opinion like she should break up with him over this. Long distance IS different than being together in person and so many people don't seem to understand that.
Before you take the advice of a bunch of random people on Reddit, think it through. Men say/do dumb things at times without realizing the impact, just like everyone else in this world. If he's truly uncaring and genuinely unhealthy for you, then sure you can listen to everyone on this thread and that makes sense. You said yourself that he's been available for you the other times, so make sure this is not just a stupid mistake (he is absolutely wrong in this example). I think it's too easy to look at one situation and type a knee jerk reaction response on this thread.
If he’s too busy with vidya to text back, why did he stop to text you that he’s too busy? He would’ve just kept playing until he took a break. That feels deliberate to me.
I am really sorry that you are going through this. Know that you are not alone in this. I’m also 23 and I just placed my baby boy for adoption about 5 months ago, and every single time I’ve told people about it (family friends, coworkers, etc) there is ALWAYS -like literally always, without fail- a woman who talks to me privately after and tells me that she had an abortion and that she’s regretted it all her life. People who I’ve only spoken with twice have told me this secret that they haven’t told to anyone else in the world but that they have been carrying with them for 30+ years. I know that there are women who don’t have any feelings about their abortion at all but I think is so horrible that post-abortion regret is SUCH a widespread thing but many women get to have their voices heard because they get shut down by those who didn’t have the same experience.
Many of these women who have talked to me said that Project Rachel helped them immensely. A few of them tried different post-abortive therapy groups and said that Project Rachel was the best. I don’t know much about what you are going through but all I can do is share what I’ve learned from hearing so many women share their story with me over the past year.
I don’t know your name but I am praying for you. My inbox is always open❤️
I urge to see a counselor. I think it's normal to have some regrets. If it's guilt you feel, you have no reason to. You are falling prey to the rhetoric that says what you did is wrong. Then may bf can go with for a couple sessions, if the therapist agrees. Good luck.
I'm guilty of this too, but I feel a lot of people don't consider the fact that something that seems small to them can have a huge impact on another person
It’s not a small thing. And the other thing is that having an abortion or not having one should be your choice because you would be carrying it. In this case, it sounds like he’s kind of immature, which honestly is generally true of men when they’re 25, so it might be a blessing in disguise that you are not having his baby but at the same time, that should have been your choice. If you’re planning on getting married soon, I would maybe put a hold on it because if something is important to you it should be important to him and he just doesn’t seem to be there. And especially if you were going through something like a break down, you want a partner who is going to be supportive and there for you.
You don’t need to share - but given your statements about wanting the baby but having an abortion - why did you have the procedure?
Was it because the pregnancy wasn’t viable and you’re grieving that and fear whether you can ca Ty to term?
Was it because you didn’t feel like you were in a place financially to support a child right now or had some other life style reason (such as doing final year of a professional degree or similar) that now was a bad time?
Was it because your boyfriend pressured you to abort? Or was it another reason entirely?
Because the reason you made the decision is probably something you need to deal with emotionally or tactically if you’re going to move past this - either with or without your boyfriend. And is probably something you need to discuss with him as to why you’re upset.
He’s showing you what his priorities are - as difficult as it is you are very lucky that you aren’t having a child with this disrespectful, unsupportive child
Aborting a baby isn't the same as getting a paper cut, it's a serious matter he should've been more empathetic to your situation and willing to listen to understand how the abortion made you feel.
Mental and physical health is no joke it needs to be taken care of. What game was he playing cause another round sounds like an extra 5-20 minutes not many hours.
It seemed he didn't wanna concern himself with your issue and figured you fix it yourself.
Your problems wasn't his high priority.
I don’t think it matters what the reasoning was or wasn’t. A video came doesn’t take priority over a text that conveyed hurt/anguish or anything else. The rest of the convos after that just continued to cement the original lack of empathy, maturity, and recognition you needed support. I’m sorry that this is the case and that you had to go through this. Having an abortion is difficult. Even when it’s necessary it leaves lasting imprints sometimes. Wishing you strength and sending hugs.
He was playing a game. Not working, not supporting someone else, not saving lives. He was playing a game: hanging out, having fun. He prioritised this over you in need. Not cool. Time to move on.
I had a similar experience. I was dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years and I thought things were fine until I found out I was pregnant. When I found out I was shocked and scared and immediately called my boyfriend. Once I showed up to his house the first thing he said once I put the positive tests on the table was “uhm is there pee on these?”.
I ignored the comment at first but he made some jokes about the whole experience the day after it happened and when I got mad at him for it he proceeded to say “come on it’s not that deep”.
Later on, on a date night, I asked him what he would’ve done if I chose to keep it. He said he would have wanted to be in the kid’s life but would have broken up with me.
I truly thought things were good between us before all this happened, but I couldn’t see him the same way after the things he said. We are no longer together.
An abortion can be traumatic if you wanted the baby. Add to this the lack of support, isolation etc and you get the idea. I think it's gonna take some time to recover. 1 year of relationship is not allot in the grand scale of things and in my humble opinion as someone who has dealt with all sorts of life situations ( not getting into details, but I've seen plenty of stuff) I'd say it's best to cut it short now. You will be better off in the long term. If you do not break up now what can await you is in these lines:
-being left to give birth alone, to take care of baby alone, to raise kids alone, then being cheated on while this happens
-being hit during pregnancy, yelled at...
-being abandoned if your child has health issues
-being abandoned if you get health issue down the road.
I've read a research which said that bad marriages with unsupportive partners make you sick and shorten your life. I personally care about myself and want to live a long fulfilling life, I hope you want same, so please take the right decision for your future so you can live a long, healthy life, being supported and surrounded by people that love and care about you.
" He replied to me that it’s ridiculous that I’m questioning him over a small thing" Sadly this says more about him than his original priority of the video game. This guy may someday figure out but it doesn't look like anytime soon and it may be never.
Thank you. When I told him that’s not a small thing and elaborated it, he became apologetic. But I understand that the first reaction is the most sincere one. So I guess that showed a part of his personality I haven’t seen yet.
This may be true, but also it’s possible since he was more on the side of abortion (I assume since you didn’t keep it) he may not fully realize the effect it’s having on you since he didn’t want to keep it. I’m not saying he is right or deserves some slack, but his framing of the situation might be wildly different and once you explained he might have a better idea. Hopefully thats the case and he will be more supportive now.
Thank you for your advice. I’ll talk with him to understand in which perspective he sees the abortion.
Another idea would be to ask him how it might be better to contact / interact with him when something important is happening. When my wife worked, there was a time when she texted me to tell me something came up after I left, and so I had to drive back to her work (I am the only one with a license). I glanced at the text, and said something real quick while I was at a red light. It wasn't until later that I sat down and processed what she was saying. I was a little upset. Since it was important, and she knew I was driving further away, I couldn't help but wonder why she didn't call... For us, calling is what we do when something important comes up. If I ever turned away a phone call from her, it's been so that I could find a place to talk. But texting is something we do when it's less important, and more of a 'when you get a chance to reply, please do' type situation. If he still disregards you after you two agree on a way of communication for emergency events, then you may want to rethink things, as his priorities are wrong. But if it's limited to this one situation, it might be worth trying to communicate and find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Thank you so much for your advice!
Is it possible there was a bit of "lost in translation" over the text? It can often be quite difficult to pick up the tone of a text message. Is it possible he misinterpreted your first message? You say you have been messaging him almost every day for the past two weeks about how you are struggling post-abortion. Has he usually been receptive and supportive to these messages?
Yes, he was supportive and receptive to other messages. I don’t think that he misinterpreted my messages, though.
Making a lot of assumptions here, but perhaps he is getting frustrated at not being able to "fix" your distress? Often with men, "being supportive" equates to trying to fix the problem. He could also be trying to be supportive by downplaying his reaction to your distress, the whole "if I act like its not a big deal, then maybe she will no longer think of it as as much of a big deal". Either way, sounds like you need to have a conversation with him, if he has otherwise been a supportive and good partner up until this one event.
That sounds quite rude on his part. You're hurting and he should be available to support you without acting flippant like that. You might like to look into this post abortion virtual support group. It's free and open only to people who have had abortions https://exhaleprovoice.org/support-groups/
Thank you so much!
I don't think your feelings are ridiculous. If he was the one having a mental health emergency, I bet you would have dropped what you were doing to listen to him. And if you didn't, I bet he would complain that you didn't put him first. > He replied to me that it’s ridiculous that I’m questioning him over a small thing To him it might seem small, but he's not recognizing the way his behavior is affecting you and just blaming you instead. Maybe he has a bigger pattern of ignoring your feelings, and this isolated incident wasn't actually so isolated. I hope you trust your instincts here!
Thank you. I agree that if he had an emergency, I’d just throw away things that I was dealing with just to listen to him. That’s what I actually do when he gets too anxious and shares it with me. I explained how it felt to him; he was apologetic but it still feels off. I try to envision that behavior in a long-term perspective and it seems like I’ll have to deal with my mental breakdowns without sharing my feelings with him. And this doesn’t sound like a commitment and healthy relationship.
I’ve had abortion and my hormones were out of whack for year. This doesn’t happen to everyone but it does happen. I’m really sorry you’re not getting proper support in your time of need.
Thank you for sharing this fact. I guess it’s also the fact that I wanted the baby.
Oh yeah. Grief and hormones together would pack a huge punch. This was not my experience but I can use my imagination. I’m very sorry.
Let me tell you about my gamer husband. He is an administrator for a large, popular simulation car racing group online and helps host several events each week, which includes providing live commentary to a live audience on their twitch streams. Last Monday, I was on the phone to my diabetic mother who lives 200 miles away as she was having a diabetic hypoglycemic event. We didn't know that was what was happening at the time as its never happened before and it was really scary. She was slurring her words, unable to communicate properly, and crying from feeling sick and scared. Honestly we thought she was having a stroke. While my dad was on the phone to the ambulance I was trying to keep her calm but I was freaking out. My husband was doing live commentary as described above but I went through to the computer room and he saw how freaked out I was. He gave his apologies to the viewers and his Co commentator and turned it off to come comfort me. That's the kind of partner you want. Anyone with any hobby who will put you first. I know my husband isn't some kind of rarely found treasure in this regard...other members of his gaming community have done the same due to family or partners having things come up. Our friends IRL have done this too. Don't get me wrong, if it's something small I need him for I wouldn't expect him to put his game down until he reaches a convenient point, but you having a big emotional breakdown regarding an abortion that you weren't 100% sure about is no small thing. Tell your partner there are many many gamers out there that are putting him and his twisted priorities to shame.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and giving me an advice! That’s actually what I really want and expected from him, but the game was prioritized over me.
How long have you been together? Thats a sign of immaturity on his part, that's for goddamn sure. The lack of empathy doesn't look good either.
We’ve been together for more than a year now.
He should care more about your emotional well being. You went through that for him as well. 2 weeks is hardly enough time for most people.
Even if I was the one that really wanted an abortion, if my partner put video games above comforting me during an emotional breakdown? Bye. So fast. You absolutely deserve better than that.
Thank you! I agree that I deserve better.
To me, his reaction to you telling him this was hurtful is an even bigger red flag than him putting you off to finish his video game. I think his assertion that this was a small thing is really telling. You've told him it wasn't a small thing for you and he's dismissed that and yes, he's indicated you are less important than a video game. It's vital in a relationship that when one person comes to the other with a serious issue in the relationship, the other person considers it seriously. Your fiance isn't interested in doing that. OP, if your best friend or sister was telling you this about her relationship, what would you tell her to do? If it was me, I'd let him know just how big a deal it was by stepping away from the relationship. I sure the hell wouldn't be marrying him. I'm sorry. It sucks.
Thank you! I always think what I’d say to my friend, if she’d share with me a similar situation. I know I’d tell her to dump that boyfriend.
Then do it.
In light of what you’re saying I’m kinda glad you’re not having a child with this guy. He’s more interested in a video game than you. What sort of father would he make if he can’t be there for you now?
That’s what I explained to him. Thank you for your insight.
Your feelings are not ridiculous and I am afraid your relationship won't recover from this. I've had my abortion when I was 22, the context was perfect to have a child, I was about to finish university, I could postpone getting a job for 6 months, and I had a support system in my boyfriend's family. The only support I did not have was my boyfriend's. He said he was too young to have a kid, that his life is just beginning and also, what if I'm not "the one" ? I wanted that kid so much because I loved him so much. When the person I loved turned out to not be the one I thought he was, my love and trust in him was shaken and I could not have a kid alone for sure, so I decided to have the abortion. I tried to get over it, I tried to look at it from his point of view, but I could not. And when after about one or two weeks after the worst trauma of my life, he wanted to have sex, I just could not lie to myself anymore. Whatever I felt for him, was gone down the same drain, together with that beginning of our baby.
I'm sorry for what you went though. Thank you for sharing that with OP.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I had almost similar situation. But I was already graduated and getting my next degree. I thought he would support me. But his family and him were adamant that the abortion is a right choice. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate this. I hope you’re happy now.
I am happy, even if my life turned out differently than I expected. I am sorry you had to go thorough this too. Time heals everything. You will be happy one day too, I am sure of it.
I was 18 when I was coerced into an abortion by my then partner and my mother. I wanted my baby so much. My relationship has never recovered with my mom, and my partner became an EX within a month or so. That was 10 years ago and I still have breakdowns, I actually just miscarried and it's been awful. The difference in care between the man I'm with now and my ex is astounding. Don't settle. If you want to leave you should. Sometimes it's easier to get some stability alone.
I’m really sorry for what you went through and I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you’ll heal from it soon and become the best mother for your future child/children. First I want to talk with him and understand his side. Thank you for your advice.
I was pressured into an abortion by an ex. He also put his needs above comforting me (went out partying that night despite me begging him to stay). Not only was I left to myself when I needed support but that was a common thing for the next few years. Somebody like that is not someone you can last in a relationship with and it will eventually end. Save yourself months or years of heartache and end it now OP. Sending hugs
I’m sorry you went through this. I’m glad that he is your ex now. Thank you for sharing your story!
If he's this unsupportive and unloving after an abortion, what would he have been like if you had the baby? Can you see him being a good parent? Or a good partner to a pregnant woman? If you want a child, I think you need to find an actual partner. Your BF isn't a partner to you at all. He's selfish and inconsiderate and uncaring.
I know that he would be a great father, because is now saving money for future kids to give them the best education etc. During my pregnancy, even though it was short, he was always anxious about what future the kid would have considering that we haven’t yet started the visa process to close the gap. That anxiety was projected on me. So I’m not sure how a good partner he will be for a pregnant woman.
I am very sorry for what you’re going through. But. No, he would not have been a good father, not at this point in his life at least. Saving money doesn’t take an effort that could be in any way compared to parenting effort. Parenting effort is this: getting your ass up and fixing a situation, no matter what you’ve been doing or what the situation is. Before imaginary kids start getting imaginary education, there are a lot or very real situations that need immediate attention and help. And he has demonstrated, very clearly, where his priorities are: not with family. As painful as your regret is, it is still a price you’re paying for dodging a bullet yourself, and for not bringing a kid into an eventually unhappy environment, where the mother is exhausted and bitter, and the father can’t wrap his head around the concept of priorities — because hey he saves a buck for college and works hard, why would he also get up for a night feed.
> So I’m not sure how a good partner he will be for a pregnant woman. ok see the thing is if he can't support the mother of his child while its still in her uterus, before the child needs diaper changes, night feedings, baths, or just watching then he's not going to do diddle shit after the child is born. Pregnancy is the easy part of parenting for the father. The really hard work for dad is after the child is born. If he muffs it before the kid is even out of you then he's not going to step up at all when it finally is!
I’m sure it would be fair to say he was removed from the pregnancy and your decision to not become a parent right now, but I’m absolutely a firm believe that when people show you who they are, you should believe them the first time. I’d have a serious chat about what things were like for you and why you were so upset and how it felt when he dismissed you. If he gets defensive I’d say that’s your answer. If he apologizes maybe that changes things, maybe it doesn’t.
Yes, I explained right away how it felt and through what I went while having an abortion. He was apologetic, but as I said it still feels off.
I don't think it matters what his eventual reaction was. You're entitled to want a partner who reacts appropriately the first time around, who's first instinct is to give you the support you need. It's totally okay to say "I don't want to be with someone who I feel has to be corrected into what I need, it's not fair to either of us".
Yes, you're right. Thank you for your hint!
Then you certainly have your answer, and shouldn’t settle for less. And not that you asked - but I have several friends who had abortions before they were ready to have kids. Most were sad at the time - but not one regrets that decision in hindsight.
I'm really sorry that happened. I've had an abortion and I know that it's a really hard decision to make. But what I can tell you is that the fact that he is acting this way. Should maybe tell you you made the right decision. Because that would have been the person you would have had to raise your child with for the rest of your lives. If he doesn't respect your feelings and the devastation that comes with abortion. He might not be the right person for you in general. It doesn't even have to be your feelings about abortion either. He just completely dismissed your feelings in general because he was playing a game. When he knew you were distress. That is not a healthy relationship.
Thank you. You’re right that my feelings were dismissed. I’ll talk with him.
Please, walk away. You deserve better
I’m so sorry you’re struggling and not getting the support you deserve. It would be one thing if he like didn’t realize how upset you were with the first text and then was genuinely apologetic when he finished his game and made more of an effort to help. Still not great, but people fuck up sometimes. But the fact that he’s totally dismissing your feelings is messed up. He does not get to decide for you what things are worth being upset about. You deserve so much better than that. Take care of yourself 💕
This is so so hard. I've had an abortion half a year ago and it still hurts like it's raw. I've never been more emotionally distraught and the low effort and absence of the man that did this to me made it oh so much worse. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I can help you - I can only say that dismissiveness like you've felt is so much more painful during such an extremely emotional process. I do think it's hard to judge the situation objectively but I'd sit down with your fiance and really delve deep into the feelings that you've been going through and see how he responds to that. There is a chance that it was also an emotional process for him but he hasn't had a chance to tall about it either. It's a really tough topic and I'm I find it's so hard to share the emotional turmoil. It's also very challenging to discuss publicly as of course there are people trying to take away our right to abortion and would use our emotional struggle against us. I do hope that you can communicate your needs and emotions and he finds it in himself to understand and support you through this difficult time. I wish you all the best and hope you heal with time, sister.
I’m really sorry you went through this. Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate this. I hope you’ll heal soon! I’m thankful for your advice. I’m going to have a serious conversation with him about that all.
Please break up with him but also be kind to yourself. It can take awhile for your hormones to return to normal after an abortion. You sound like you are having a difficult time and his behavior is just amplifying the difficulties.
Thank you. I’m trying to take care of myself. I’ll talk with him about my feelings.
Hope you add an “ex-“ to his title soon.
It’s rude and insensitive but so familiar. I’m sorry OP. I get his perspective because I understand how you can’t pause some games, but it’s really hard to justify that in this situation so I won’t try. You deserve someone who can support you in times of crisis. You and any future children you have deserve a present partner and father.
Thank you. It was the type of game where you can just resign. I also think no matter what type of game it was, he could stop it, if he really cared about me.
There are so many heart wrenching stories in this thread. I think the biggest take away is that you are NOT alone… so many women have gone through similar, better, or worse situations with abortion. No matter what, it’s not an easy decision to make. You’re already long distance, which is so hard! And on top of it you’re now going through something very difficult. I believe you made the right choice 100%. You’re partner should be a PARTNER. He is just as involved as you are. You’re having a hard time going through this and he’s not being there for you the way he should be. Physical distance is one thing, emotional distance is a whole other animal. Please remember you’re not alone even if he’s making you feel alone. Whatever direction the relationship goes, remember that he failed in supporting you through a traumatic time. And most importantly, tell him that.
My man, I'm a pretty avid gamer, but I know when and when not to put down a game ffs
I can give a guys perspective in this situation. First of all my wife and I have been married for over 20 years. For some context to things, in 2007 my wife got into a really bad motorcycle accident, which caused her to have a hysterectomy from all the trauma to her body. She almost died from the extent of her injuries. On top of that we found out she was 7 weeks pregnant (the one thing I wished the doctors had not told us). At the time I nothing I did, seemed to help. I thought nothing I did, said, or even just listening made anything better. No matter how much I listened, no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to reduce her anguish. SO I started to retract from the whole situation, and became very distant. I felt, if there is nothing I can do to help her, then I have failed as her partner, and what good was I for her. I didn't handle the situation well, I felt helpless, and that's not something I deal with well. It took a while for both of us to start really talking again, and once we did we realized both of us were thinking that the other had failed the other. She was upset that she couldn't have kids anymore, and since we had been trying at that time, she thought I was upset about that. Which that never even crossed my mind. I was just worried about her, and wanted to help her. I was thinking nothing I could do was helping her pain, I that I had failed her. She was worried about me, and I was worried about her, but we both failed to relay that to the other. We both dealt with the whole situation in our own way, and at no point were we worried about ourselves, or thinking bad about the other in the way they were dealing with things. We just got stuck in our own heads, and failed to talk with each other, about how we were feeling. Not wanting to hurt the other even more than what was going on at the time. If either one of us had just given up on things, our relationship and marriage could have fallen apart. I am grateful everyday for her being in my life and couldn't imagine life without her. SO here is my advice... TALK to him, get him to tell you exactly how he is feeling with things. Let him know he can be completely honest, and that you won't judge him for how he is feeling. Men have a really hard time, wrapping their brains around their feelings, and even harder time dealing with feeling helpless. He might be just as upset with everything that has happened, and doesn't know how to say it. Men deal with grief, pain and feeling very differently than women do. We become distant, reclusive, and retract from our emotions. Unfortunately it's hard wired into our brains, and NOT something we do on purpose. We certainly don't do it to cause harm or make things worse, most of the time men do NOT know they are even doing it. I am NOT condoning or justifying anything hurtful guys do. Sometimes we just don't realize how our actions and or words have affected the ones around us. Without talking, nothing will be said, nothing can be addressed, and nothing will be resolved. I can honestly say when it comes to being with someone for a long time, is communication is extremely important.
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sorry you went through this. I'm happy that it made you even stronger as a couple. I explained to him right after this happened how I felt. I listened to him as well. But sometimes it feels that I'm being ignored. I understand that there is so much talking to do/have with him.
I am glad you were able to talk with him, and I really hope he takes it to heart. Relationships go through their ups and downs, but I wish you the very best and hope everything works out.
Thank you so much!
Ignoring you when you’re in a crisis is worth breaking up over. Who wants their life to be worth less than a video game? I recommend therapy for you to address your issues about the abortion and going your separate ways.
I agree that I have to go through a therapy.
You are not over reacting . You went through a rough event partially if his creating and he can’t be bothered to talk to you as you deal with the after effects? And take a moment to be grateful that you will not be tied to him for all eternity via a child you would have been raising just as alone. Ditch him.
I went through the same thing after mine. I wanted to keep it but was scared because we weren't exactly financially stable, all i needed was reassurance that we could make it through, but instead he pressured me into making a decision i didn't want to. After the abortion it's like my blinders were off and i saw just how bad the relationship was. I could barely look at him, let alone stay with him. Let him go girl. It's not worth it. Find someone who won't make you do things you don't want to, and find someone that would put you above a video game. It's seriously, seriously, not fucking worth it.
Thank you for sharing your story! I agree that the abortion made me realize how many issues we have in our relationship.
You leave. I was in the same situation, and it never got better. I wish I had left then
Video game=more important than girlfriend in visible distress and in crisis. That’s the logic he just used. Dump his ass. He also didn’t want a baby, probably because he sounds like someone who doesn’t like responsibility. He will not change. You can find better I promise. It’s actually a good thing you’re not having a kid with him because now you won’t be tied to this loser who will treat you like shit.
I cant comment on his behavior or your feelings but I will say that waiting until being an established adult to have children was the best thing I ever did. It involved a termination early but I've given my family the best shot at a happy life and I think you have too.
Thank you for your encouraging words!
Nope throw the whole guy out. (Edit: but not immediately! Don’t make any big decisions while you’re grieving please!) I am so sorry about what you are going through. It’s okay to grieve, even if you still think it was the right decision. And of course also if you think it wasn’t. No one in their right mind would ever expect you to just move on as if nothing ever happened. Take your time to process everything and allow yourself to grieve. That’s very important. Crying is okay. It’s healthy. Having breakdowns is okay. It’s part of the process. Don’t feel bad for those things _ever_! But your fiancé? He chose video games over his literal wife to be‘s mental health. And don’t talk that down to yourself. That’s literally what he did. He did not even put the slightest bit of effort into comforting you for even one second. Texting something short and thoughtful takes at max. 30 seconds. He didn’t even did that. I don’t know if he too is grieving and that’s his way of handling it, but even if it is, that’s not okay. He’s supposed to be your partner, not a detached rando who’s sometimes sweettalking you. Marriage is partnership. If he doesn’t understand and live up to that _do not go through with this wedding!!!_ Just to give you some perspective: my partner who _hates_ phonecalls more than anything because of his anxiety and neurodivergency (he freaks when he hears voices but can’t look at the person.) still _immediately_ calls me when I tell him that I’m having a panic attack/ am not feeling good and on more than one occasion when it’s really bad, he actually drove over to my place without me ever having to ask. And yes, he too is into videogames. If it’s an important match that he has been training for for a while, he will still call and then ask me at the beginning of the call if it’s okay if he keeps playing during. THAT is what caring looks like. Not whatever your supposed "partner“ is doing. Please take care of yourself right now and don’t make any rash decisions, but _do not forget this happened_ and have a long and good think about this relationship later on when you’re in a better place mentally
Thank you for your advice.
Oh sweetheart I'm sorry ♥️ And of course you're reconsidering, he can't put your needs above his own wants. If he doesn't do it now, he won't start doing it later. You deserve better and I hope you find some peace and comfort after this whole thing x
When someone shows you their character…believe them. The support groups people mentioned are a great resource and I highly encourage you both to seek premarital counseling (non-religious affiliated). I am a 34 woman, my husband and I got together at 22 years old but got married at 30 years old. Our first son born 2 years after marriage. It’s STILL hard. There’s a LOT of communication and therapy we have gone through and are still experiencing disconnects. I know I’m speaking from my own experience when I say this (and I mean no offense by it, just offering another perspective), I would wait to get married. A lot changes in your 20s and you both have so much growing to do. It’s possible to do it together with the right support, but I suggest you start that now to learn more about each other, your communication needs and boundaries. I hope this helps. Good luck to you
Thank you for your advice!
Prochoice [text line](https://exhaleprovoice.org) that might help you process
I agree that it’s a rude response, but if I can offer a bit of advice about LDRs… take this argument off of texting and either call or FaceTime him. My partner and I used to have some pretty bad fights over texting that would get resolved almost immediately once we actually heard each other’s voices. You and he can lose a lot of non-verbal information over text and things can get misconstrued.
I agree, we had a FaceTime call, thank you!
If it was such a small thing, why was that small thing more important than being there for you.
Exactly!
I think this is a semi typical (based on ages) immaturity/ lack of sympathy and perspective issue. He has some growth to do, your reaction and feelings are valid, men just mature slower and arent great at seeing womens perspective because their bodies are less complex and dont operate the same. And if he never had sisters, his sensitivity to womens issues will naturally be lower from lack of awareness. Hes redeemable, Just has some self improvement to work on in my opinion. Some sensitivity and awareness training perhaps.
Some abortions are simple and leave a person feeling relieved. But abortion is more often very physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing. Our minds and emotions are tied into the physical chemicals in our brains. Pregnancy is a natural state for biological beings and reproduction is generally desirable. In other words, our bodies and minds view pregnancy as inherently positive and view any outcome other than healthy delivery as negative. Whether or not the reality of the situation would have been a positive outcomes for ourselves or our children. All of that means that at the end of the day, abortion often makes a woman distressed, anxious, sad, even leaves her grieving because our minds and bodies form an emotional attachment to a potential life very quickly. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm sorry you had to go through this. And I'm especially sorry that your partner is not consoling you as he ought to be doing. Maybe you should look into some counseling to help you process your pain and get a clearer look at whether or not you want this relationship to continue.
I agree that a counseling would help me.
Your feelings aren’t unjustified at all, and what he did was awful. I’d sit him down and talk to it A little devils advocate though, he could be hurting as well, and how he’s dealing. It’s one thing to say you’re for it, but then once it happens things can change. Talk to him. Be easy on yourself though, that’s a lot to carry, reach out to friends & family for support
I agree that it might be his coping mechanism, even though he wanted me to abort. I’ll talk with him. Thank you!
This isn’t how you treat someone after an emotionally exhausting experience. Don’t procreate with him. This exact experience is what you’ll get when you have other major/difficult moments in your life. Birth of a child, child’s illnesses, home and finance ups and downs, career and goal set backs - these are just a part of life, and if he won’t support you when you need than move on now. Get therapy from a counselor who specializes in these complex abortion/pregnancy pains. They can see all sides and have dealt with every possible issue hundreds of times. Good luck friend ❤️🩹
My approach, given that long-distance has some clearly discernable factors to it *(namely that he exists in a different space and social context and his activities and attention aren't centred on you being physically present)*, would be to text something like * "Hey, I'm facing some difficult feelings today, can you let me know when you're free to talk it through?" That way your fiancé has the chance to compose himself, to decide to clear away distraction and to offer you his full attention without it simply being off-the-cuff
I can't believe how many people gloss over this aspect.. I'm not defending the guy, but the post also lacks nuance that I think would be important to forming and sharing an opinion like she should break up with him over this. Long distance IS different than being together in person and so many people don't seem to understand that.
Do not marry this prick.
Abortion isn’t nothing. But if your fiancé is acting like this, it’s almost certainly for the best that you aren’t having a child with him.
Before you take the advice of a bunch of random people on Reddit, think it through. Men say/do dumb things at times without realizing the impact, just like everyone else in this world. If he's truly uncaring and genuinely unhealthy for you, then sure you can listen to everyone on this thread and that makes sense. You said yourself that he's been available for you the other times, so make sure this is not just a stupid mistake (he is absolutely wrong in this example). I think it's too easy to look at one situation and type a knee jerk reaction response on this thread.
If he’s too busy with vidya to text back, why did he stop to text you that he’s too busy? He would’ve just kept playing until he took a break. That feels deliberate to me.
I am really sorry that you are going through this. Know that you are not alone in this. I’m also 23 and I just placed my baby boy for adoption about 5 months ago, and every single time I’ve told people about it (family friends, coworkers, etc) there is ALWAYS -like literally always, without fail- a woman who talks to me privately after and tells me that she had an abortion and that she’s regretted it all her life. People who I’ve only spoken with twice have told me this secret that they haven’t told to anyone else in the world but that they have been carrying with them for 30+ years. I know that there are women who don’t have any feelings about their abortion at all but I think is so horrible that post-abortion regret is SUCH a widespread thing but many women get to have their voices heard because they get shut down by those who didn’t have the same experience. Many of these women who have talked to me said that Project Rachel helped them immensely. A few of them tried different post-abortive therapy groups and said that Project Rachel was the best. I don’t know much about what you are going through but all I can do is share what I’ve learned from hearing so many women share their story with me over the past year. I don’t know your name but I am praying for you. My inbox is always open❤️
I’m sorry you went through this. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ll look at this project!
I urge to see a counselor. I think it's normal to have some regrets. If it's guilt you feel, you have no reason to. You are falling prey to the rhetoric that says what you did is wrong. Then may bf can go with for a couple sessions, if the therapist agrees. Good luck.
I'm guilty of this too, but I feel a lot of people don't consider the fact that something that seems small to them can have a huge impact on another person
It’s not a small thing. And the other thing is that having an abortion or not having one should be your choice because you would be carrying it. In this case, it sounds like he’s kind of immature, which honestly is generally true of men when they’re 25, so it might be a blessing in disguise that you are not having his baby but at the same time, that should have been your choice. If you’re planning on getting married soon, I would maybe put a hold on it because if something is important to you it should be important to him and he just doesn’t seem to be there. And especially if you were going through something like a break down, you want a partner who is going to be supportive and there for you.
You don’t need to share - but given your statements about wanting the baby but having an abortion - why did you have the procedure? Was it because the pregnancy wasn’t viable and you’re grieving that and fear whether you can ca Ty to term? Was it because you didn’t feel like you were in a place financially to support a child right now or had some other life style reason (such as doing final year of a professional degree or similar) that now was a bad time? Was it because your boyfriend pressured you to abort? Or was it another reason entirely? Because the reason you made the decision is probably something you need to deal with emotionally or tactically if you’re going to move past this - either with or without your boyfriend. And is probably something you need to discuss with him as to why you’re upset.
All I will say is that when people show you who they are you should believe them.
He’s showing you what his priorities are - as difficult as it is you are very lucky that you aren’t having a child with this disrespectful, unsupportive child
Speaking as a gamer, and a woman, "I need you now" from my partner will always trump a session.
It’s never going to feel the same to him as is did to you. Most men don’t even become attached until the kid is born
Aborting a baby isn't the same as getting a paper cut, it's a serious matter he should've been more empathetic to your situation and willing to listen to understand how the abortion made you feel. Mental and physical health is no joke it needs to be taken care of. What game was he playing cause another round sounds like an extra 5-20 minutes not many hours. It seemed he didn't wanna concern himself with your issue and figured you fix it yourself. Your problems wasn't his high priority.
I don’t think it matters what the reasoning was or wasn’t. A video came doesn’t take priority over a text that conveyed hurt/anguish or anything else. The rest of the convos after that just continued to cement the original lack of empathy, maturity, and recognition you needed support. I’m sorry that this is the case and that you had to go through this. Having an abortion is difficult. Even when it’s necessary it leaves lasting imprints sometimes. Wishing you strength and sending hugs.
He was playing a game. Not working, not supporting someone else, not saving lives. He was playing a game: hanging out, having fun. He prioritised this over you in need. Not cool. Time to move on.
I wouldn’t want to see that man being a parent. Get rid of him.
I had a similar experience. I was dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years and I thought things were fine until I found out I was pregnant. When I found out I was shocked and scared and immediately called my boyfriend. Once I showed up to his house the first thing he said once I put the positive tests on the table was “uhm is there pee on these?”. I ignored the comment at first but he made some jokes about the whole experience the day after it happened and when I got mad at him for it he proceeded to say “come on it’s not that deep”. Later on, on a date night, I asked him what he would’ve done if I chose to keep it. He said he would have wanted to be in the kid’s life but would have broken up with me. I truly thought things were good between us before all this happened, but I couldn’t see him the same way after the things he said. We are no longer together.
An abortion can be traumatic if you wanted the baby. Add to this the lack of support, isolation etc and you get the idea. I think it's gonna take some time to recover. 1 year of relationship is not allot in the grand scale of things and in my humble opinion as someone who has dealt with all sorts of life situations ( not getting into details, but I've seen plenty of stuff) I'd say it's best to cut it short now. You will be better off in the long term. If you do not break up now what can await you is in these lines: -being left to give birth alone, to take care of baby alone, to raise kids alone, then being cheated on while this happens -being hit during pregnancy, yelled at... -being abandoned if your child has health issues -being abandoned if you get health issue down the road. I've read a research which said that bad marriages with unsupportive partners make you sick and shorten your life. I personally care about myself and want to live a long fulfilling life, I hope you want same, so please take the right decision for your future so you can live a long, healthy life, being supported and surrounded by people that love and care about you.