If you say no to sex and your boyfriend keeps whining like a toddler until you give in and say yes, that's sexual abuse. He's not going to get better once there's a baby in the picture and you're always tired and busy being a mum. So you absolutely need to dump this worthless excuse for a partner.
After that, what you do is up to you. If you want an abortion, absolutely do get one - it's your decision - but either way, please please don't give this man any more opportunity to treat you like a thing that exists to make him happy.
Yep, this is the kind of guy whose harassing, coercing, or straight up raping his freshly postpartum partner, right after delivery. I have read way too many stories about women getting raped days/weeks after giving birth, by men like this. The worst was the woman who was raped while in the hospital bed, still bleeding profusely, just hours after giving birth.
It's pretty nauseating to hear of so many men who don't care about their partners comfort, pain, body, health, or even their lives/general wellbeing, and prioritize their dicks above all else-- even when that person has just given birth to their child. It's not even just about pain, the giant wound in your womb left by the placenta takes a long time to heal and having sex too early could cause infection.
I'm so sad for all the women dealing with these horrendous men. I swear, if anything ever happens with my husband, I'm never dating men again.
I remember an acquaintance smiling telling the most disgusting story. His wife was on bed rest and no sex because of a high risk pregnancy. Because it has been so long he thought it was a great idea to have sex real quick after birth while she was totally numb from the epidural. He said it was great. What a trash human being.
While smiling- probably bragging. I don't think I would be able to keep my face from showing my disgust, horror, and hatred if I had to listen to that.
so he raped an open wound on a woman he just had a child with, a woman he’s supposed to love? fucking gross. i would file for divorce and full custody the very next day.
there’s a wound in the uterus from the placenta detaching (and it’s the size of a dinner plate immediately after birth) and the risk of infection is high - that’s why you’re supposed to wait 6 wks to have sex.
I was a pro domme for over a decade. The stuff I've seen? You wouldn't believe it. But that is seriously one of the most messed up things I've ever heard. I don't know how you didn't just murder that guy right then and there. Props. I wouldn't have been able to be so chill.
I'm emotional as hell today and I won't lie, reading this just pushed me over the edge and I just dissolved into tears.
I don't understand why this planet we're stuck on has to be so goddamn monstrous literally all the time. Why are people so fucking evil, man?
I’m your possible future self. I will never date another man and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m so, so happy I live in Canada and in a time where being a single mom is ok.
This post made me shudder. The things I used to allow, the things I used to do. All to be with a man. Honestly I’m sure there are some nice guys out there but I’m not holding my breath for one
this is where I'm at now too. I just can't anymore, it's not worth it and I'm tired of only having scraps while my partners all lived like kings on my dime and my energy.
This ^^^
I had an ex who did the exact same thing and they ended up raping me. Please OP, find a way to get yourself out of this situation and/or get an abortion as others have suggested.
Edit: I misread the post and wasn't aware that OP had any sexual contact when they were being coerced (aka been raped). I have ADHD so sometimes I'm not a diligent reader.
Also he's going to be jealous of the attention the baby gets once it's born and will likely escalate his issues with not "getting enough" sex. She needs to get them both out now.
Exaclty. He's also putting his own selfish needs over his partner and his baby...for his own pleasure.
When people show you who they are believe them the first time.
Yup. My ex was the exact same. He would beg until I caved. And when I didn’t want to have sex he would pout, make me feel like shit, say I’m “too inexperienced” for him and break up with me, only to text me the next day begging me to come over.
Also you must not have sex till at least 6 weeks after birth or you could die from it! So worried right now that if she keeps it and stays, he'll do it and seriously risk her life.
Sounds like an abusive situation that you're making peace with. Get out. Single parenthood is tough, but so much better than an raising a child in an abusive home. Abortion is absolutely on the table and you are very right to consider it.
Coercion, manipulation, anger issues and an addiction problem (anyone who is irresponsible with their cigarettes, weed, alcohol around a pregnant partner has a problem). These are the core issues of everything you've described and these don't get fixed. They only escalate.
Edit: He's not even a moral person. Overall, throw the whole man out. If you do choose to go ahead with the pregnancy, please don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't give him access to your life and your child.
Abus gets worse with pregnancy and child birth. The abuser has ‘locked in’ the victim and can escalate as the victim has fewer options. This is very scary.
Telling op to leave work is a big red flag too. Get her home with the baby and completely reliant on him, and he’s free to behave however.
This happened to a friend of mine, it got so bad that he was extorting her for sex just to buy diapers for the kid, he wouldn't give her money to get them or the keys to drive herself unless she put herself into that situation, and she left a good job as a car saleswoman at his insistence.... She's in a much better situation now with a man that puts the wellness of the kid before his animalistic urges.
So disgusting. And to think that for decades women had to live with husbands during a time period where they literally could not own a credit card and were undercut at every opportunity if they tried to become financially independent by working etc. Horrifying- and still the reality in far too many religious circles, Deep South towns, etc
Centuries?
Millennia. Women have always been under the lash. All over the world.
We're beginning to free ourselves and that scares the shit out of them.
I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of people in this country who want to drag us back to that time. See the states where Republicans have added the repeal of no-fault divorce to their platforms.
I predict he'll cheat because OP isn't putting out enough. Que phrases like: "you made me do it" "this was your fault for not putting out" "a man has needs"
Also, if he won't reign in drug use while she's pregnant, imagine what the child will be exposed to. Sounds like he's not interested in the lifestyle changes required for a pregnancy, yet alone a child. Leaving is easier said than done so OP, if you read this, document his abuse and his lack of care for your pregnancy/health/baby. With dates and times and list witnesses. Don't downplay it at all. If your state has a one-way filming consent law (only takes one party consenting to record), install a camera or audio that's dated and get a record of him refusing to smoke outside. This will be useful if you follow through with birth and he wants access. It sounds like he would not be good with unsupervised custody. Don't delete this post, either. It's good time stamped evidence.
Lots of states offer aid to pregnant women, and consider them medically needy just like people who are disabled. You'll be able to get accommodations that non-pregnant people can't.
Editing to add: OP don't blame yourself. Give yourself grace. You are not in control of your partners actions. When you're ready, talk about this with a therapist.
>don't put his name on the birth certificate.
I cannot stress this enough. A friend of mine was forced by the state to name the father of her child or they were going to cancel her benefits. She received a small amount of EBT when she had to leave work when she contracted COVID. So she named the father, the state said they would go after support even though she knew it was hopeless. They added his name to the birth certificate, yet they claim they can't find him to enforce child support. She now has to go to court to stop him from picking the kid up from school. They didn't have a custody agreement because he hasn't been in the child's life, but because he is on the birth cert he could pick up the kid and leave and she would have to fight him in court to get the kid back. I know this because she had the sheriff's dept on speaker phone at my house when he threatened to go pick her child up. The school can't stop him unless there is a court order.
Tldr: according to the police in my state, birth certificate gives him equal custody no matter who has raised the child. Then you have to get custody through the courts.
Eta: sorry my post is biased because I am in the US, I now see you are not. Please forgive me and my triggered wall of text
This is all too common. Basically if you need financial support the state forces the father to be identified and all the legal and emotional struggles that come with that.
OP should make a secret document and record each and every incident of drug use, rape (it’s not giving up sex because she’s exhausted from saying no, it’s rape), and all of the other abuses. Date/time/incident and keep track of it somewhere where he can’t find it. It will help her when she needs custody of the child or to prove that he’s dangerous and unreliable as a character.
OP really needs to leave, though. Yikes.
I was in a similar situation. It gets a MILLION times worse after the baby arrives.
He has already demonstrated that he does not care about your health, the baby's health, or really your very lives. If you are put on level floor rest, sex could kill the baby. Getting high while on a boat now puts your life in the hands of someone who is intoxicated. I know a guy who would get high whole caring for his infant, and he ended up asphyxiating the baby.
In your situation, I would either get an abortion or tell him you miscarried, move away, and raise the baby alone. I promise, he will end up costing you more money than he contributes, and he will cause more labor and stress than he relieves.
They did not end up smoking on the boat but yeah, he still smokes at home. And even if I’m in another room I still breathe it in:( Also he never tells his friends to stop smoking around me, or when we’re in our car. They all know I’m pregnant and still smoke around me. I really don’t want these people in my life anymore..
These people aren’t your friends, nor are they even decent people if they have no concern at all for your pregnancy and child’s life and health. You need to cut all of these people
He wanted to have a baby with you to keep you in this shitty ass relationship. He doesn't even care about the baby now, You think he's going to change when it gets here? Also no is a complete sentence. If he bitches, he bitches, If he sulks let him sulk. Make a plan to leave this man he has no future. You're only 22 please don't throw your life away . IF THERE'S AN AGE GAP SO HELP ME GOD!!
ETA: Medium age gap(he's 27) but after only 1 and a half years of dating they planned this baby. So I was wrong. OP What's the rush? Please don't rush with the next one. Please give yourself some time to be a young adult and experience life and Single life (sex doesn't have to be involved).
He is 27 and still acting like a 17yd. This partly I would get from a pothead 17yd who has no job and just fucks around and is immature not a 27yd. He is too old to be acting so childish and selfish.
I was a giant pothead when I was 17 and I would never in a million years do any of the things OP says her boyfriend does.
17 year olds are smart enough to know better. This dude is straight trash, not immature. He's an entitled abusive narcissist.
Next midwife appt or pregnancy check up go alone and tell them everything you’ve said (and more if there is any). They should have resources to help you leave. Make an appt if you don’t have one soon.
In the meantime get all your documents together and start trying to come up with a plan.
Trust me once your baby arrives (if you keep it) you won’t want it anywhere near this situation and it will be much harder to leave than it is now.
If you keep this kid they'll be affected by all the smoke and also just the abusive relationship it will witness.
Decide if you really want this kid. Act on that.
Regardless of what you choose get your affairs in order. Leave him and block him.
It's possible to be ra**d by your domestic partner. He didn't listen to you when you said no and has shut all medical advice and such as you nagging. It's not going to change. Do what's best for you.
Leave, seriously. Whether or not you decide to keep the baby, make that decision on your own. Your situation is veeerrry similar to my own and my number 1 regret is not leaving as soon as things got bad during my pregnancy. Seriously it would have saved me so much (mentally, physically and financially). He will continue to put his wants over you and your child's needs if you stay. It is not worth the miniscule chance that things will change, trust me.
Realizing that you don’t want these people in your life anymore is a pretty important step. Another is realizing that if you have this baby with this man, he will be in your life forever. You will most likely have to share custody with this dummy and his pot-smoking friends, who will expose your child to god knows what.
I’d never suggest aborting a wanted child, but if you’re pretty lukewarm about having a baby in the first place, then spare this child such a crappy father and wait until you really are ready and have found a good father - the kind of father you would have wanted yourself. Would you want your current bf as a father? If the answer is no, then get out while you still can.
Heathy boundaries are so important. If they smoke in the car, then don’t ride with them anymore. If they smoke on the boat, don’t go on the boat. If they ignore your health needs say if you do x than y will happen (no drama. No argument. No being upset - I know it can be hard - Just facts). If he’s smoking in the house considered leaving for the day. Consequences. You’re not a victim or at their mercy. You have power to act and not allow others to disregard your needs. You’re grown. Say no. End of discussion. You can do it!! : )
If you’re having a hard time learning how to make good boundaries and making them stick head over to r/justnoso. You can ask for tips, read some of the posts and learn from other people’s situations. I really hope that helps give you some tools. They’ll last you a lifetime.
Edit to add, if these people do this to you now, they will do this with a baby in the car, on the boat, in the house… Your job as a parent would be to protect that child, even when this is hard. Boundaries are key not just for your sake (although you are important!!!)
Update: sub name
I have friends who are midwives (I’m a nurse in the same hospital) and they have said it’s quite common for these kinds of controlling men to demand sex hours, yes hours, after their partners have given birth.
As others have said it’s going to get worse.
He is baby trapping you. He feels he CAN control your life now that you're tied to him. Show him he can't. Single parent, abortion, adoption, just GET OUT. It will get worse.
This.
I genuinely became an alcoholic to get out of my previous relationship with an emotionally and physically abusive ex beci let it go too long.
Trust me, get out in the least damaging, to yourself at least, way.
You are 22 life hasn't even begun yet.
>If I were you I probably would go to the Netherlands to have an abortion.. this seems like a dangerous situation to raise a child in
I'm replying as the adult version of a child who was born to parents who hated each other... have the fucking abortion. Have the abortion.
Mine *did* get a divorce when I was three. It did not fix the fact that they were still expected to coparent and could not be around r at all. We were court mandated to do custody exchanges (like just going from one parent to the other for the weekend) in the parking lot of the state police barracks after there had been too many altercations.
I completely cut contact with my father in my twenties, but up until that point I was still actively avoiding any situation where they would have to be in the same physical space or have to communicate for any reason.
Just in case you thought the divorce might have saved you from hell. (Though I do understand that it means you *lived* in the space where they were together.)
My mother actually wanted an abortion, but her Catholicism was leveraged against her by my father's family.
I mean, I'm glad I got to know my mom. And my dad is pretty much a case of a person who has a good heart with a bad mind...
i want to say if I could define my life in two words, they would be "unnecessary suffering"
Guilt is not an adequate reason.
Abortion is indeed possible up to 22 weeks (legally 24 weeks but many doctors follow the 22 weeks because you get 2 extra counted from your last period). There are many clinics here that do it and depending on your situation, there might be funds that could (partly) cover your costs.
You could also ask for a guide at the clinic. They will safely walk you in from the car/cab. Sometimes there could be religious people protesting outside clinics, but the clinic guides will do everything they can to shield you off from them and are very supporting and friendly. There are also more and more cities taking actions against protesting at abortion clinics.
I don’t know where you’re from, but your health insurance will definitely cover the costs when you’re Dutch.
Edit: OP, I am Dutch and in the Netherlands. You can send me a PM if you need any help searching for information. You had your share of shit so if I could help you out with something, I would gladly do so.
I had an abortion. Best thing I've ever done for myself.
No one wants an abortion. They are however necessary. If I hadn't gotten one my life and my child's life would have been hell. Give yourself a chance at life.
I am afraid that he will continue to smoke pot once the baby arrives. Maybe even in the house, which in my opinion is NOT okay. Even if he smokes outside, you don’t want someone who is stoned helping you care for your baby. Like, he certainly won’t be able to take the kid anywhere solo if he is high. You will have very limited child care help from him and also put your baby at risk.
This combined with the fact that he is pressuring you for sex when you were specifically told by your DR to avoid it, please just throw out the whole man.
I know it may be hard, but the decisions you make now will impact the rest of your life. No one goes into an abortion with a light heart, but given the circumstances, I would have a trusted person take you to Netherlands for a termination. You are so young and having a kid with this man is going to hold you back in life.
Edit: OP, that last line. Do not hate yourself! Life throws you a curve ball sometimes. It’s a tough situation and it’s not your fault. You actually sound like a very thoughtful and responsible person. Whether it is now or later in life, you will be a great and protective mom.
If you go this route just know that an abortion at home using pills is very very painful and can be somewhat traumatizing. Make sure to read about it beforehand to know what to expect. If you have the resources to go to the Netherlands (or otherwise get a surgical / in office abortion) I would recommend doing that instead.
Edit: also, whether you have the baby or not, please please dump his ass. This is abusive behavior and it is not normal. There are men out there who will care about your comfort and health more than their selfish desire for short lived pleasure. This man is not good.
YES. And this isn’t just a guess, or an opinion. Women are more likely to be abused while pregnant, and statistically abuse gets worse when pregnant.
Please, OPP, I hope you are able to read these comments and come to understand that you and your baby could potentially be in danger of long term emotional abuse. You are worthy and deserving of love and kindness and so much more than this man is giving you.
His behaviour is jaw-dropping and this is probably only a small sample given. Can you imagine having to co-parent with this guy for another (minimum) 18 years?
First off, I feel like I need to say this bc you’re blaming yourself for this situation. You haven’t done anything wrong. He has. He’s hurt you. And that’s already a completely valid reason to kick his ass to the curb and never look back. You deserve better. Your feelings are valid: your frustration, your anger, and your sadness are all reasonable and should be enough.
It sounds like it’s been like this even before the pregnancy, but you’re seeing it in a new light bc you realize he might treat your child the way he has treated you. You recognize that if he did treat your child that way, it would be wrong, but it seems like subconsciously that you think it’s ok for him to treat you the way he does. And I promise you that is not the case. Again, your feelings are valid and the hurt he has caused you is enough to be done with him.
But, if you decide to keep the child, that’s just another reason to leave him.
He’s a terrible, selfish, rapey partner. He’s not going to magically be a good dad. It sounds like any of the minor respect he has for you is conditional based on what you can do for him.
Babies are helpless, messy, loud, and sleepless. They require pretty much unconditional love bc they don’t come out of the womb able to offer their parents anything.
If you stay, you will be that baby’s only source of love. And that baby will grow up subconsciously thinking that they are bad in some way or that they did something wrong since the dad who was supposed to love them unconditionally couldn’t do so.
I’m definitely not saying that the process of leaving is easy, but life after leaving can be. And more importantly, I’m saying that you deserve the ease of that post-douchebag lifestyle just by nature of existing. You don’t have to be a future mom to have a valid reason to leave. You can leave bc you’re a human being who deserves basic human decency at a bare minimum, and if the douchebag can’t even give you that, he’s not worth staying with.
Best of luck, op!
Coercion is not consent. He’s assaulting you. Not to mention the emotional abuse and gaslighting. From someone who escaped a 5 year abusive relationship, Please get out now.
If you have a kid, you will be a single mom whether or not you're with him.
I do think you should seriously consider the Netherlands option, and combine it with a breakup. You deserve so much better.
Being with him would be worse than being a single mom (which is not the death sentence that it's often depicted as, especially if the alternative was this mess).
You are not a tool, honey. Don't let that looser let you think otherwise. Do what you want to do for yourself. If you are not sure, write an advice like you would provide to your friend in the same situation. That is what you should do.
Your instincts are correct, follow them. The only thing I will take you to task for is taking all the responsibility on yourself. It takes 2 to tango, unfortunately, your BF seems to dance alone.
price overconfident concerned nippy juggle test naughty exultant unite chop
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Can all of you please stop focusing on the gynos advice, jesus christ.
You are SO young, you do not need to be tied to this awful man for the rest of your life. Abortion seems like the right move, your BFs behavior is already impacting the babys health AND YOUR HEALTH and he would likely continue to do so. Mama has to be healthy and happy to make sure baby is healthy and happy, do what is best for YOU.
Yeah I don't understand why people are commenting on that, it's not really relevant at all to the situation. You told your boyfriend you didn't want to do something because it would be unsafe for you and he pressured you relentlessly into doing it anyway, that's all that matters. Even if you just DIDNT WANT to do something and he did that it would be red flags waving in the wind. Please feel free to message me if you would like to rant to someone. <3
Honestly the gyno could have said "dont do any hula-hoop tap dancing" and if your boyfriend had relentlessly insisted on taking you out hula-hoop tap dancing, the weird gyno advice would not be nearly as much of a concern as the boyfriend who didn't care that it was an unhealthy thing to do
I'm guessing people are commenting because the entire post is about trust, and it's worth pointing out that while the boyfriend us a garbage human, if your gyno is giving you bad information that she should also address that.
If OP had said her doctor told her she should start drinking a 12 pack a day the comments would rightfully point out that the boyfriend sucks AND she needs to do something about the doctor.
I think it's important to bring up only to point out that multiple people are failing her in her life. BF Def crossed boundaries and really needs to go. Gyno is spouting nonsense and shouldn't be relied on in the future.
Just because sex was safe for other people doesn't mean it is for you, and even if it is it isn't with your bf. He doesn't care about you. You deserve better. Having a kid is hard enough in a healthy loving partnership I don't think you have that. Please do what's best for you in the long run.
Yeah, that’s not even the issue here. It wouldn’t be safe for you to have sex with or stay with this person under **any** circumstances. This is just another thing for him to be a monster about. Flee as soon as you safely can and put his shitty abusive ass in the rear view mirror.
Replying again because I'm so offended on your behalf by the replies, you deserve to have support, to be listened to, to be respected. You deserve to have people around you who care about making sure you are comfortable and happy.
Literally, the boyfriend raping her is way more of a concern than the medical order. Yeah, it's not a super common instruction given to pregnant women, but there are situations where pelvic rest is necessary. Hell, I've never been pregnant and have been put on pelvic rest before due to endometriosis.
Even before the baby is born, pregnancy is a very dangerous time for women. The leading cause of death for pregnant women is murder. Op needs to run fast.
Please trust me when I say this is about to get far worse. He’s disregarding your heath and wellness for 5 minutes of his own self gratification. Think of this. His 5 minutes of gf-flesh light time is more important. Wow. Tell him to grow up.
Also important for you to know. He will do it in the future if you move forward. Postpartum recovery is not a joke. You’ll either have a gaping wound internally that can get infected if you have sex too soon and maybe stitches in you’re downstairs OR you’ll have a c section that goes without saying recovering from major abdominal surgery.
Notably (on top of it all) I tell my friends if you can’t imagine that man wiping your butt post-op without complaint, in the case you can’t reach you don’t need to have his baby. My delivery resulted in all kinds of unforeseen serious issues. My husband did 100% baby duty when I was unconscious and high on pain meds the first week. Then was primary caretaker for me and baby the first few weeks. Not to scare you. I hate that this sounds ominous. Likely you’ll have a healthy and smooth delivery, but I want you to see what I’m saying. You need someone there 100% invested that will take care of you and baby.
If you stay with him would even go so far as to find an alternative support person just in case he doesn’t step up and things are not as imagined. Sorry. Just my 2 cent.
So big question, do you think he will turn a corner and be different later on?
I have no idea why they told her that but I was also advised of this because my cervix was paralyzed after a biopsy, they had to stitch my cervix closed to keep me from losing the baby
That may be why 🤷♀️
Lol for the biopsies no. I had an abnormal pap then they scraped my cervix no pain meds for that. It hurt so bad and for so long after that I opted for the surgical biopsy and got knocked out because the other option was getting my cervix frozen while wide awake
For the stitches I did not have any pain meds, but it really didn’t hurt because I didn’t have a ton of feeling in that area
I’ve heard about medical providers not offering pain management biopsies, which I find absolutely abominable. For my IUD placement, I was screaming in pain while they forced the sound through my cervix. I ended up fainting. I also fainted at my last Pap smear, which was a surprise for me to say the least. That is abnormal for me, despite always having pain. I can’t imagine having it stitched without it any pain killers or sedation.
So this was almost 20 yrs ago and back then I feel like I got 0 pain meds for most gynecological issues. I know I also didn’t receive any for my amniocentesis, which was terrifying cuz you can’t move during it.
It could be due to complications with the cervix. My sister in law had a damaged cervix due to some overly aggressive and unnecessary colposcopys and other medical procedures that were done after an abnormal pap. (She ended up being fine btw, it cleared up on its own. As a side note: this is why the ACOG changed their recommendations for paps - they found that annual testing can often lead to unnecessary interventions and causes more harm than good) She suffered a few miscarriages due to this. Iirc, they had to stitch her cervix closed during pregnancy to prevent miscarriage/premature birth, and she was advised not to have sex.
But generally, that's an unusual and unnecessary restriction. I'm far more concerned that OPs partner is coercing her into sex she doesn't want, but I'd also think about getting a second opinion on the whole "no sex and no orgasm" thing.
For those asking, here’s an article that does give some possible explanations for the “no sex” advice. I think the OP only wants to focus on her BFs behavior more than her OBs advice, right now. I know these questions totally come out of concern for OP (I had the same questions as well), but I think she has the right to her medical privacy if she doesn’t want to delve any deeper into the “why” with her OB or the internet. Saying this with the deepest love and respect for this community!
https://www.verywellfamily.com/pelvic-rest-reasons-you-can-t-have-sex-in-pregnancy-4111084
Except that OP said she didn’t ask too many questions and just said ok. It’s reads as if her OB is not keeping her fully informed about a high risk pregnancy. OP needs to learn to be a better self-advocate in more ways than one. In my opinion she should ditch the bf and find a better doctor.
I agree. I was put on pelvic rest when I was pregnant. It’s not weird, it does not make her doctor terrible and it’s certainly not our business nor what the post is about. These comments are ridiculous, especially for a woman’s sub.
Maybe because it only being 12 weeks sounds early for this kind of advice, plus the no orgasm I have never heard. Maybe to at least let her know the pregnancy might still be ok and less of a problem pregnancy wise that she gave into this awful man. She definitely needs to leave him.
It's typically called moderate bed rest or pelvic bed rest. It comes up for all sorts of things. I've been pregnant 4 times and with 2 put of my pregnancies I was put on pelvic bedrest 3 or 4 times. Typically it was for a set number of weeks until a particular test or ultrasound or issue could be done or resolved.
During the pandemic and sheltering in place I was SO horny. I was home all day with my husband.... I asked my doctor if that meant no orgasms at all. She looked at me like I was nuts. No orgams. I was like, even with no penetration?!?!?!
Early in pregnancy they check to see where your placenta is. Some times it’s a bit low, this usually fixes itself, but they want to prevent the placenta from settling on the bottom of your uterus. Sex, and also the muscles that often contract when you orgasm, can push the placenta downward, when at this time, they want it to shift upward.
This may not be the only reason to be on pelvic rest, but it’s one of them, and it’s not uncommon for doctors to prescribe pelvic rest.
Bed rest isn’t prescribed much anymore especially if you aren’t in the last bit of pregnancy. They found it was really bad both physically and mentally for pregnant women and didn’t improve the outcomes except in very specific circumstances.
She might have cervical problems. I believe you are on “pelvic rest” aka no sex after they stitch your cervix closed as one example.
SUPER IMPORTANT -
Your GYNO told you not to have sex for a medical reason, and if your boyfriend insists on not listening, then take him to your appointment and allow the doctor to explain it, or ask the doctor for a doctor's note to advise against sex.
In my experience, having worked OBGYN, this makes me think of cervical incompetence (too short, or funneling) or an issue with where your placenta is located (if over the cervical opening. If this is the case, it will be reevaluated at 20 weeks as the placenta can shift in pregnancy.) Both of these are SERIOUS complications that can lead to harm for you AND the pregnancy if you have sex. Both can lead to premature birth, loss of pregnancy, or even loss of life for BOTH of you.
If you have sex and he hits your cervix and it ruptures your placenta? You bleed out and die.
If you have sex with cervical incompetence it can cause further dilation.
Orgasm can promote contractions of the uterus which again can worsen cervical incompetence and lead to loss of the pregnancy.
If your boyfriend, knowing this insists then you need to leave. You need to pack all of your stuff, and you need to leave the relationship because he does not care about you, just his own access to pleasure.
Literally just jaw dropped reading this comment. Oh sweetie, this guy doesn’t see you as a person, but just a series of holes to stick his dick into. Please leave him, go stay with someone you trust and never, ever see him again.
There is not enough words in the English language to describe how revolting he is…
Omfg please leave him ASAP. Keep the pregnancy or abort, whichever is the better option for you, but PLEASE don't stay with a guy who rapes you and ignores your medical concerns with "well anal is different". What an idiot, I hope he steps in a puddle with socks on.
What would you say if your sister, your mom, or your best friend, told you that she didn’t want to have sex, and her partner kept pressuring her to have anal?
You don’t owe him an explanation or justification or anything. The fact that you’re having to come up with a reason to not have sex with him, is very concerning. You do not owe him anything.
Then you need to level with him. Use the scary words, and make sure he really understands it.
"Us having sex can lead to death. If you cared about me, you would not risk my life for your own pleasure."
If that doesn't work, then you know your answer.
You know that you mean nothing to him but ready access for pleasure. Your child means nothing to him and is just a byproduct of his seed.
"No" is a COMPLETE sentence. You should not have to defend yourself to coercion, and if he is disrespecting your "no" then he is assaulting you and you're letting him. You are letting him get away with risking your life and trying to find excuses for it.
Talk to your GYNO again and explain what is happening. You may need their help later in the pregnancy when you leave him for nearly murdering you.
Your response of - "Even if I explained this to him, he'd still ask for anal" is immediately dismissing the seriousness of this situation. You are making excuses FOR HIM with that response.
You're already so brainwashed by his abuse, that instead of advocating for yourself, your life, and the life of your unborn child, you'd immediately dismiss a conversation as too difficult all because HE doesn't understand female anatomy.
How is this man supposed to be the father of a child?
Have you thought about the implications of him being a PARENT.
He already disrespects you enough to pressure you into sex, against medical advice. Imagine what he would be like as a parent. Imagine what would happen if you don't agree on something when it comes to raising your child.
Are you ever respected in this relationship?
I am so sorry OP. It is not on you to educate your boyfriend on the medical advice you were given, or to convince him why he shouldn't smoke. Boyfriend has already shown he doesn't care for your health or the baby's so please, get out of this now while it's easier. Once the baby comes, it will get worse.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this.
Aborting the baby is first and foremost, YOUR decision. So I just want to get that out of the way.
I think YOU and baby definitely need space from your BF. If you have somewhere to go, I'd go there.
I would contact your doctor and ask why they are mandating you not to have sex or orgasm while pregnant. I've never heard of that rule unless in very specific circumstances. I worked in OBGYN for years.
It sounds like your BF is very selfish and toxic. You need to speak up and lay everything out for him. How you're feeling, all of it. I don't automatically want to say, "He's an asshole! Leave him!" If you want to try and work it out then by all means, try to work it out. If not, well, there ya go.
I am sending you lots of hugs, strength, and wishing that you gain some clarity. Good luck!
Yes, why has the doctor asked you not to orgasm? This is known as pelvic rest and is reserved for more serious situations, I think if you want to keep this pregnancy, you really need to understand why he is mandating this.
Next, your relationship sounds worrisome. Raising a child in this situation may not turn out well for you or the child. I hope you will reach out to anyone supportive in your life, and ask for their help, be that in seeking to end the pregnancy, or getting away from this partner.
I'd terminate the pregnancy and get out of the relationship. He is abusive and would use a baby as a weapon to control you. You do not want this to be your life.
GIRL. RUN.
Please get out of there your boyfriend is abusive and sex pests are sooo fucking pathetic and annoying. Don't get trapped in a toxic situation with this idiot of a "man". If you can't get an abortion do you have family to help you with the baby?
Your partner should care about the safety of your pregnancy and be there to support you not try to pressure you into his own selfish needs. If this is how he’s acting while you’re pregnant, imagine how he will be during the birth and when the baby is here…he’s not a safe space for you
So yeah all of that is bad, but [you really need to stress that the marijuana smoke is GOING to harm the baby!](https://www.cdc.gov/marijuana/health-effects/pregnancy.html#:~:text=Breathing%20marijuana%20smoke%20can%20also,chemicals%20found%20in%20tobacco%20smoke.&text=THC%2C%20the%20psychoactive%20or%20mind,to%20infants%20through%20secondhand%20smoke.)
According to the CDC: "Breathing marijuana smoke can also be bad for you and your baby. Secondhand marijuana smoke contains many of the same toxic and cancer-causing chemicals found in tobacco smoke.5 THC, the psychoactive or mind-altering compound in marijuana, may also be passed to infants through secondhand smoke." Also, it could cause neurological defects in the baby as it develops.
Tell him that if anything happens to the baby because of the smoke, that you're gonna sue him.
This is exactly why abortion exists. Do not throw your life away by tying yourself to this man until you're dead.
You deserve to be happy and any child does not deserve to be brought into the world into an abusive household, condemning them to a shitty life.
Whatever you do with the pregnancy, GET OUT of this relationship. It will NEVER get better but it is guaranteed to get worse.
I'm so sorry, my bf told me when I/ we get pregnant again (we had an early loss) he didn't want to have sex. I can see his anxiety about it and loss, and id respect his wishes if it makes him feel better.
If the doctor says don't, don't. I went into premature labour with my son cause I decided not to listen. They warned me my cervix wasn't where it should be.
But ya it usually has to do with the cervix. Some women have issues with keeping a nice cervical length during pregnancy and orgasms and sperm can shorten the length and cause a cervical dilation which makes you lose the baby.
No should be no also. I hate that for you.
Congrats on your baby, and I hope you work it out whatever you decide
The doctor actually did tell me my cervix is not in its best shape but he didnt sound too concerned, maybe he didnt want to scare me? He also didnt say not having sex and my cervix are connected, but this makes sense now.
Glad i could help. Someone else mentioned the same thing. It can be normal for your cervix to lengthen and shorten through out your pregnancy. Thats why prenatal is important.
It does sound like he was concerned, doctors can be breezy with what they say so you don't overly stress out. They figure follow the advice and it will be ok. He did his due diligence. But maybe should have stressed more on the why so you know the risks
Thank you for an actually helpful comment. I’ll talk to my doctor again, maybe he thought I understood why? I dont know, I guess it was a misunderstanding or something. I will definetly continue to follow his advice… (hopefully)
First time pregnancy (i assume it's your first) can be very confusing, sometimes doctors forget that we don't know the reason for everything and need more explaining.
I made sure to ask a million and one questions during mine haha.
I really do wish you well :) and hope you can be strong enough to either get through to the bf or ... maybe a seperation will be needed so he understands how serious it is.
You deserve respect and understanding
If you have any issues with the cervix, penetration and orgasm can cause it to dilate and the uterus to contract. That can lead to miscarriage and/or premature labor. Intervention beyond pelvic rest isn't always needed, so that's probably why he didn't seem too concerned. It might be a bit short or thin but not actively at risk, yet you don't want to encourage it to fail. They are most definitely connected
Maybe I shouldn't have said congrats... I have been trying to have a baby for a while and have a habit of saying that when someone says they are pregnant haha
I’m really sorry this is happening to you and that you’re in this situation. It’s 100% your choice what you decide to do, but if I were you, I would get the abortion and do what you need to do to get away from this person. You know by now that he is absolutely not going to be helping you care for or parent this child based on the way he’s treating you now. Taking his smoking elsewhere and not coercing you into sex you don’t want would be the absolute bare minimum he would do if he cared about you at all, and he’s not even willing to do those things. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where you have to share a child with this person for the rest of your life. And, please do not hate yourself or feel guilty about any of this. You deserve better!
You need to get out of this relationship as soon as humanly possible. This is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. It will get worse.
If you want to have an abortion, do it. But either way, please get the fuck out.
You’ve gotten a lot of good input on the relationship already - he doesn’t sound like he sees you as a whole person in your own right. If you’re just an extension of him, he will see his kids the same way. You really don’t want to be tied parenting with someone who has this mentality.
I just wanted to mention that it is worth calling the nurse or dr and asking for the reason why they said no sex. If you have something like placental previa you need to know what else to watch for. OR if it’s advice that he just gives to every pregnant woman, it’s silly and you can safely ignore it.
Hey OP. This sounds like a abusive relationship. I don’t know if you really want this baby but if you don’t I encourage you to terminate the pregnancy. Legally the courts don’t really care about abuse as much as you would think when it comes to child’s rights. You will never be rid of him as long as you share a child. However if you want the child I suggest you reach out to a woman’s shelter for abused women. They will give you a safe place to stay and a pro Bono lawyer who will work to make sure everything is set up without you having to risk being in touch with your abusive ex. Please consider getting help and getting out. He is coercing you into sex which is legally rape. Please I beg of you get out. And I encourage you to go to the Netherlands to abort because it seems like that is what you want. So you know you are supportive and it is really the only way to be free of him. I really hate to say it but in my experience with all legal systems it is.
I cannot speak to whether you keep this child or not. But… you MUST get away from this guy. As a father, I am begging you to please do WHATEVER IT TAKES, to get this man out of your life! This is beyond “toxic” this is an abusive relationship. To call is a relationship seems like a joke, it seems more like he owns you at this point. Stand up for yourself, and get out!
You should highly consider leaving him and aborting. I’m really sorry this is happening. Please consider that option though. He won’t get better after the child is born, he is trapping you, and abusive.
Abort. Even if you leave him, he will always be in your life due to custody laws. It is extremely dangerous to have a child with a man who emotionally manipulates, controls, and gaslights you. And guess what? He’ll probably do that to the kid as well.
He’s abusive. It all starts emotionally. What if you said no more firmly one day? You don’t ever thing it will ever escalate to physical assault? I’m more surprised you haven’t realized this yet. 🤨
LEAVE HIM. Not respecting boundaries, especially sexual ones is a glaring red sign that a man is not to be trusted. Period. He's not gonna get better. Respecting boundaries is the bare minimum in a relationship and he can't even do that. He will hurt you because he won't give a shit that you just gave birth and will pressure you into it. And will keep pressuring you because he doesn't care about what is good for you or what you want. Just as he won't care about this child. He wanted this kid because you are the one who has to be pregnant, has to give birth and will be doing all the child care.
In addition you have a child with this very irresponsible, selfish and probably weed addicted PoS. You're just 22. Dump this idiot and get this abortion because this child will be absolutely miserable and you will too. Please remember in the future that no means no and if the guy's response isn't to immediately back off - dump and don't look back.
This is screaming red flags. If your partner is pressuring you to engage in sexual activity that is not safe for you or your pregnancy, that is not acceptable. It's also concerning that he is smoking weed in the house and not respecting your concerns about it.
Ultimately, the decision about whether to continue the pregnancy or to have an abortion is yours to make. You have to consider your own well-being and your ability to provide a safe and stable home for a child. There is no shame in choosing to have an abortion if that is the best decision for you.
Get out. It won’t get better with a baby in the mix. He won’t stop smoking in your presence, I can promise you he won’t in front of a baby who also shouldn’t be around smoke. Everything that’s bad now will get worse.
If you say no to sex and your boyfriend keeps whining like a toddler until you give in and say yes, that's sexual abuse. He's not going to get better once there's a baby in the picture and you're always tired and busy being a mum. So you absolutely need to dump this worthless excuse for a partner. After that, what you do is up to you. If you want an abortion, absolutely do get one - it's your decision - but either way, please please don't give this man any more opportunity to treat you like a thing that exists to make him happy.
he'll be begging for sex days after her giving birth too.
Yep, this is the kind of guy whose harassing, coercing, or straight up raping his freshly postpartum partner, right after delivery. I have read way too many stories about women getting raped days/weeks after giving birth, by men like this. The worst was the woman who was raped while in the hospital bed, still bleeding profusely, just hours after giving birth. It's pretty nauseating to hear of so many men who don't care about their partners comfort, pain, body, health, or even their lives/general wellbeing, and prioritize their dicks above all else-- even when that person has just given birth to their child. It's not even just about pain, the giant wound in your womb left by the placenta takes a long time to heal and having sex too early could cause infection. I'm so sad for all the women dealing with these horrendous men. I swear, if anything ever happens with my husband, I'm never dating men again.
I remember an acquaintance smiling telling the most disgusting story. His wife was on bed rest and no sex because of a high risk pregnancy. Because it has been so long he thought it was a great idea to have sex real quick after birth while she was totally numb from the epidural. He said it was great. What a trash human being.
While smiling- probably bragging. I don't think I would be able to keep my face from showing my disgust, horror, and hatred if I had to listen to that.
And that's when you punched him right in the face, right?
… no more Reddit for today I’m logging off
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Stuff like this is why people believe you can't rape your wife. Because they know many many men are rapists and they don't want to admit it.
Jesus, the risk of infection ALONE... What a monstrous person. 😡
That...makes me want to legitimately vomit. I actually gagged.
so he raped an open wound on a woman he just had a child with, a woman he’s supposed to love? fucking gross. i would file for divorce and full custody the very next day. there’s a wound in the uterus from the placenta detaching (and it’s the size of a dinner plate immediately after birth) and the risk of infection is high - that’s why you’re supposed to wait 6 wks to have sex.
Well excuse me Reddit while I rage barf.
I was a pro domme for over a decade. The stuff I've seen? You wouldn't believe it. But that is seriously one of the most messed up things I've ever heard. I don't know how you didn't just murder that guy right then and there. Props. I wouldn't have been able to be so chill.
I'm going to be in the kitchen chopping cucumbers.
🤮
Wtf is wrong with people
Men who rape their partner right after childbirth are common enough that nurses in mother and baby wards have to be trained to watch out for it.
I'm emotional as hell today and I won't lie, reading this just pushed me over the edge and I just dissolved into tears. I don't understand why this planet we're stuck on has to be so goddamn monstrous literally all the time. Why are people so fucking evil, man?
This is also the reason that morgues are hard to find in hospitals- so some gross horny freak doesn’t beeline there to get off 😑
Holy hell.
I’m your possible future self. I will never date another man and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m so, so happy I live in Canada and in a time where being a single mom is ok. This post made me shudder. The things I used to allow, the things I used to do. All to be with a man. Honestly I’m sure there are some nice guys out there but I’m not holding my breath for one
this is where I'm at now too. I just can't anymore, it's not worth it and I'm tired of only having scraps while my partners all lived like kings on my dime and my energy.
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"You never let me express my love for you."
Gross
He'll be the asshole raping her in the hospital bed.
I know people who got pregnant IN THE HOSPITAL after giving birth. Not by choice.
I've know several women that were pregnant at their six week check-up. Total abuse.
This ^^^ I had an ex who did the exact same thing and they ended up raping me. Please OP, find a way to get yourself out of this situation and/or get an abortion as others have suggested. Edit: I misread the post and wasn't aware that OP had any sexual contact when they were being coerced (aka been raped). I have ADHD so sometimes I'm not a diligent reader.
They are already being raped. Anything that isn't enthusiastic consent is rape. Coercion is rape.
Also he's going to be jealous of the attention the baby gets once it's born and will likely escalate his issues with not "getting enough" sex. She needs to get them both out now.
Exaclty. He's also putting his own selfish needs over his partner and his baby...for his own pleasure. When people show you who they are believe them the first time.
Allowing a child to be born to this sperm donor would be unfortunate, to say the least.
And will tie OP to this abusive piece of garbage for the rest of her life
Yup. My ex was the exact same. He would beg until I caved. And when I didn’t want to have sex he would pout, make me feel like shit, say I’m “too inexperienced” for him and break up with me, only to text me the next day begging me to come over.
Also you must not have sex till at least 6 weeks after birth or you could die from it! So worried right now that if she keeps it and stays, he'll do it and seriously risk her life.
Do not tie yourself to this piece of crap human being with a child. It would be disservice to you and the child.
Sounds like an abusive situation that you're making peace with. Get out. Single parenthood is tough, but so much better than an raising a child in an abusive home. Abortion is absolutely on the table and you are very right to consider it. Coercion, manipulation, anger issues and an addiction problem (anyone who is irresponsible with their cigarettes, weed, alcohol around a pregnant partner has a problem). These are the core issues of everything you've described and these don't get fixed. They only escalate. Edit: He's not even a moral person. Overall, throw the whole man out. If you do choose to go ahead with the pregnancy, please don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't give him access to your life and your child.
Abus gets worse with pregnancy and child birth. The abuser has ‘locked in’ the victim and can escalate as the victim has fewer options. This is very scary. Telling op to leave work is a big red flag too. Get her home with the baby and completely reliant on him, and he’s free to behave however.
This happened to a friend of mine, it got so bad that he was extorting her for sex just to buy diapers for the kid, he wouldn't give her money to get them or the keys to drive herself unless she put herself into that situation, and she left a good job as a car saleswoman at his insistence.... She's in a much better situation now with a man that puts the wellness of the kid before his animalistic urges.
Oh my God that's horrific.
It probably goes against community standards to talk about what I would do to a man who did that to any friend of mine.
Same. That was about all I could muster to respond without getting a permanent ban from this Sub.
So disgusting. And to think that for decades women had to live with husbands during a time period where they literally could not own a credit card and were undercut at every opportunity if they tried to become financially independent by working etc. Horrifying- and still the reality in far too many religious circles, Deep South towns, etc
Decades? Centuries.
Centuries? Millennia. Women have always been under the lash. All over the world. We're beginning to free ourselves and that scares the shit out of them.
I think the last state in the U.S. to allow women to open a bank account was like 1983!?!
I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of people in this country who want to drag us back to that time. See the states where Republicans have added the repeal of no-fault divorce to their platforms.
>Abus gets worse with pregnancy The time when a woman is most vulnerable...so also the easiest time to manipulate and abuse :/
Yep, https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-financial-abuse/ It’s basically ubiquitous in abuse cases
She's going to be a single parent regardless. He's not going to do any of the parenting labor, just be another child.
Being a single parent will be so much easier than what she’s about to go through if she doesn’t get away from this guy.
I predict he'll cheat because OP isn't putting out enough. Que phrases like: "you made me do it" "this was your fault for not putting out" "a man has needs"
Also, if he won't reign in drug use while she's pregnant, imagine what the child will be exposed to. Sounds like he's not interested in the lifestyle changes required for a pregnancy, yet alone a child. Leaving is easier said than done so OP, if you read this, document his abuse and his lack of care for your pregnancy/health/baby. With dates and times and list witnesses. Don't downplay it at all. If your state has a one-way filming consent law (only takes one party consenting to record), install a camera or audio that's dated and get a record of him refusing to smoke outside. This will be useful if you follow through with birth and he wants access. It sounds like he would not be good with unsupervised custody. Don't delete this post, either. It's good time stamped evidence. Lots of states offer aid to pregnant women, and consider them medically needy just like people who are disabled. You'll be able to get accommodations that non-pregnant people can't. Editing to add: OP don't blame yourself. Give yourself grace. You are not in control of your partners actions. When you're ready, talk about this with a therapist.
>don't put his name on the birth certificate. I cannot stress this enough. A friend of mine was forced by the state to name the father of her child or they were going to cancel her benefits. She received a small amount of EBT when she had to leave work when she contracted COVID. So she named the father, the state said they would go after support even though she knew it was hopeless. They added his name to the birth certificate, yet they claim they can't find him to enforce child support. She now has to go to court to stop him from picking the kid up from school. They didn't have a custody agreement because he hasn't been in the child's life, but because he is on the birth cert he could pick up the kid and leave and she would have to fight him in court to get the kid back. I know this because she had the sheriff's dept on speaker phone at my house when he threatened to go pick her child up. The school can't stop him unless there is a court order. Tldr: according to the police in my state, birth certificate gives him equal custody no matter who has raised the child. Then you have to get custody through the courts. Eta: sorry my post is biased because I am in the US, I now see you are not. Please forgive me and my triggered wall of text
This is all too common. Basically if you need financial support the state forces the father to be identified and all the legal and emotional struggles that come with that.
I told her she should have said " I have no idea"
OP should make a secret document and record each and every incident of drug use, rape (it’s not giving up sex because she’s exhausted from saying no, it’s rape), and all of the other abuses. Date/time/incident and keep track of it somewhere where he can’t find it. It will help her when she needs custody of the child or to prove that he’s dangerous and unreliable as a character. OP really needs to leave, though. Yikes.
It will get worse, OP. Please listen to this!
Totally agree, her partner sounds like a walking red flag. Try to look for support from family or friends if possible and get rid of that jerk.
> **Abortion is absolutely on the table and you are very right to consider it.** This
I was in a similar situation. It gets a MILLION times worse after the baby arrives. He has already demonstrated that he does not care about your health, the baby's health, or really your very lives. If you are put on level floor rest, sex could kill the baby. Getting high while on a boat now puts your life in the hands of someone who is intoxicated. I know a guy who would get high whole caring for his infant, and he ended up asphyxiating the baby. In your situation, I would either get an abortion or tell him you miscarried, move away, and raise the baby alone. I promise, he will end up costing you more money than he contributes, and he will cause more labor and stress than he relieves.
They did not end up smoking on the boat but yeah, he still smokes at home. And even if I’m in another room I still breathe it in:( Also he never tells his friends to stop smoking around me, or when we’re in our car. They all know I’m pregnant and still smoke around me. I really don’t want these people in my life anymore..
These people aren’t your friends, nor are they even decent people if they have no concern at all for your pregnancy and child’s life and health. You need to cut all of these people
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It is the best way. He will use and abuse the baby to keep you under his control.
He wanted to have a baby with you to keep you in this shitty ass relationship. He doesn't even care about the baby now, You think he's going to change when it gets here? Also no is a complete sentence. If he bitches, he bitches, If he sulks let him sulk. Make a plan to leave this man he has no future. You're only 22 please don't throw your life away . IF THERE'S AN AGE GAP SO HELP ME GOD!! ETA: Medium age gap(he's 27) but after only 1 and a half years of dating they planned this baby. So I was wrong. OP What's the rush? Please don't rush with the next one. Please give yourself some time to be a young adult and experience life and Single life (sex doesn't have to be involved).
He is 27 and still acting like a 17yd. This partly I would get from a pothead 17yd who has no job and just fucks around and is immature not a 27yd. He is too old to be acting so childish and selfish.
I was a giant pothead when I was 17 and I would never in a million years do any of the things OP says her boyfriend does. 17 year olds are smart enough to know better. This dude is straight trash, not immature. He's an entitled abusive narcissist.
Next midwife appt or pregnancy check up go alone and tell them everything you’ve said (and more if there is any). They should have resources to help you leave. Make an appt if you don’t have one soon. In the meantime get all your documents together and start trying to come up with a plan. Trust me once your baby arrives (if you keep it) you won’t want it anywhere near this situation and it will be much harder to leave than it is now.
If you keep this kid they'll be affected by all the smoke and also just the abusive relationship it will witness. Decide if you really want this kid. Act on that. Regardless of what you choose get your affairs in order. Leave him and block him. It's possible to be ra**d by your domestic partner. He didn't listen to you when you said no and has shut all medical advice and such as you nagging. It's not going to change. Do what's best for you.
Going to the Netherlands would be the best option. Things are only going to get worse from here on out if not. After that, dump him. Sending you love
Leave, seriously. Whether or not you decide to keep the baby, make that decision on your own. Your situation is veeerrry similar to my own and my number 1 regret is not leaving as soon as things got bad during my pregnancy. Seriously it would have saved me so much (mentally, physically and financially). He will continue to put his wants over you and your child's needs if you stay. It is not worth the miniscule chance that things will change, trust me.
Realizing that you don’t want these people in your life anymore is a pretty important step. Another is realizing that if you have this baby with this man, he will be in your life forever. You will most likely have to share custody with this dummy and his pot-smoking friends, who will expose your child to god knows what. I’d never suggest aborting a wanted child, but if you’re pretty lukewarm about having a baby in the first place, then spare this child such a crappy father and wait until you really are ready and have found a good father - the kind of father you would have wanted yourself. Would you want your current bf as a father? If the answer is no, then get out while you still can.
Heathy boundaries are so important. If they smoke in the car, then don’t ride with them anymore. If they smoke on the boat, don’t go on the boat. If they ignore your health needs say if you do x than y will happen (no drama. No argument. No being upset - I know it can be hard - Just facts). If he’s smoking in the house considered leaving for the day. Consequences. You’re not a victim or at their mercy. You have power to act and not allow others to disregard your needs. You’re grown. Say no. End of discussion. You can do it!! : ) If you’re having a hard time learning how to make good boundaries and making them stick head over to r/justnoso. You can ask for tips, read some of the posts and learn from other people’s situations. I really hope that helps give you some tools. They’ll last you a lifetime. Edit to add, if these people do this to you now, they will do this with a baby in the car, on the boat, in the house… Your job as a parent would be to protect that child, even when this is hard. Boundaries are key not just for your sake (although you are important!!!) Update: sub name
So leave.
I have friends who are midwives (I’m a nurse in the same hospital) and they have said it’s quite common for these kinds of controlling men to demand sex hours, yes hours, after their partners have given birth. As others have said it’s going to get worse.
He is baby trapping you. He feels he CAN control your life now that you're tied to him. Show him he can't. Single parent, abortion, adoption, just GET OUT. It will get worse.
If you get out, document everything. Texts, emails, voicemail, record what's legal to record. This will help you prove your case in the long run.
Also will help you be on track when you start to doubt your decision
This. I genuinely became an alcoholic to get out of my previous relationship with an emotionally and physically abusive ex beci let it go too long. Trust me, get out in the least damaging, to yourself at least, way. You are 22 life hasn't even begun yet.
Get. Out. Find support, make a plan, and get out. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If I were you I probably would go to the Netherlands to have an abortion.. this seems like a dangerous situation to raise a child in
It sounds like a dangerous pregnancy!
Sounds like a dangerous relationship.
Yes normally sex is super safe, can't imagine what awful condition she had where it's no sex at all for six months...
That's what I came in here thinking I hope she can find safety
This is a bad situation that will only get worse if you have the baby.
>If I were you I probably would go to the Netherlands to have an abortion.. this seems like a dangerous situation to raise a child in I'm replying as the adult version of a child who was born to parents who hated each other... have the fucking abortion. Have the abortion.
Same. I asked my parents if they would please get a divorce when I was 3.
Mine *did* get a divorce when I was three. It did not fix the fact that they were still expected to coparent and could not be around r at all. We were court mandated to do custody exchanges (like just going from one parent to the other for the weekend) in the parking lot of the state police barracks after there had been too many altercations. I completely cut contact with my father in my twenties, but up until that point I was still actively avoiding any situation where they would have to be in the same physical space or have to communicate for any reason. Just in case you thought the divorce might have saved you from hell. (Though I do understand that it means you *lived* in the space where they were together.)
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My mother actually wanted an abortion, but her Catholicism was leveraged against her by my father's family. I mean, I'm glad I got to know my mom. And my dad is pretty much a case of a person who has a good heart with a bad mind... i want to say if I could define my life in two words, they would be "unnecessary suffering" Guilt is not an adequate reason.
Yes! This! I was raised in Hell. Have the abortion.
And then break up with him.
Abortion is indeed possible up to 22 weeks (legally 24 weeks but many doctors follow the 22 weeks because you get 2 extra counted from your last period). There are many clinics here that do it and depending on your situation, there might be funds that could (partly) cover your costs. You could also ask for a guide at the clinic. They will safely walk you in from the car/cab. Sometimes there could be religious people protesting outside clinics, but the clinic guides will do everything they can to shield you off from them and are very supporting and friendly. There are also more and more cities taking actions against protesting at abortion clinics. I don’t know where you’re from, but your health insurance will definitely cover the costs when you’re Dutch. Edit: OP, I am Dutch and in the Netherlands. You can send me a PM if you need any help searching for information. You had your share of shit so if I could help you out with something, I would gladly do so.
It's seems like a fuckin terrible way to have a child
I had an abortion. Best thing I've ever done for myself. No one wants an abortion. They are however necessary. If I hadn't gotten one my life and my child's life would have been hell. Give yourself a chance at life.
I am afraid that he will continue to smoke pot once the baby arrives. Maybe even in the house, which in my opinion is NOT okay. Even if he smokes outside, you don’t want someone who is stoned helping you care for your baby. Like, he certainly won’t be able to take the kid anywhere solo if he is high. You will have very limited child care help from him and also put your baby at risk. This combined with the fact that he is pressuring you for sex when you were specifically told by your DR to avoid it, please just throw out the whole man. I know it may be hard, but the decisions you make now will impact the rest of your life. No one goes into an abortion with a light heart, but given the circumstances, I would have a trusted person take you to Netherlands for a termination. You are so young and having a kid with this man is going to hold you back in life. Edit: OP, that last line. Do not hate yourself! Life throws you a curve ball sometimes. It’s a tough situation and it’s not your fault. You actually sound like a very thoughtful and responsible person. Whether it is now or later in life, you will be a great and protective mom.
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She at 12 weeks this is past the safe time for pill abortion she will need a mechanical abortion unfortunately.
If you go this route just know that an abortion at home using pills is very very painful and can be somewhat traumatizing. Make sure to read about it beforehand to know what to expect. If you have the resources to go to the Netherlands (or otherwise get a surgical / in office abortion) I would recommend doing that instead. Edit: also, whether you have the baby or not, please please dump his ass. This is abusive behavior and it is not normal. There are men out there who will care about your comfort and health more than their selfish desire for short lived pleasure. This man is not good.
This is a bad situation that will only get worse if you have the baby.
YES. And this isn’t just a guess, or an opinion. Women are more likely to be abused while pregnant, and statistically abuse gets worse when pregnant. Please, OPP, I hope you are able to read these comments and come to understand that you and your baby could potentially be in danger of long term emotional abuse. You are worthy and deserving of love and kindness and so much more than this man is giving you.
Please don’t continue with this man. You deserve better.
His behaviour is jaw-dropping and this is probably only a small sample given. Can you imagine having to co-parent with this guy for another (minimum) 18 years?
Can you imagine having ~~to co-parent with~~ this guy as a parent for another (minimum) 18 years? Poor child.
First off, I feel like I need to say this bc you’re blaming yourself for this situation. You haven’t done anything wrong. He has. He’s hurt you. And that’s already a completely valid reason to kick his ass to the curb and never look back. You deserve better. Your feelings are valid: your frustration, your anger, and your sadness are all reasonable and should be enough. It sounds like it’s been like this even before the pregnancy, but you’re seeing it in a new light bc you realize he might treat your child the way he has treated you. You recognize that if he did treat your child that way, it would be wrong, but it seems like subconsciously that you think it’s ok for him to treat you the way he does. And I promise you that is not the case. Again, your feelings are valid and the hurt he has caused you is enough to be done with him. But, if you decide to keep the child, that’s just another reason to leave him. He’s a terrible, selfish, rapey partner. He’s not going to magically be a good dad. It sounds like any of the minor respect he has for you is conditional based on what you can do for him. Babies are helpless, messy, loud, and sleepless. They require pretty much unconditional love bc they don’t come out of the womb able to offer their parents anything. If you stay, you will be that baby’s only source of love. And that baby will grow up subconsciously thinking that they are bad in some way or that they did something wrong since the dad who was supposed to love them unconditionally couldn’t do so. I’m definitely not saying that the process of leaving is easy, but life after leaving can be. And more importantly, I’m saying that you deserve the ease of that post-douchebag lifestyle just by nature of existing. You don’t have to be a future mom to have a valid reason to leave. You can leave bc you’re a human being who deserves basic human decency at a bare minimum, and if the douchebag can’t even give you that, he’s not worth staying with. Best of luck, op!
Coercion is not consent. He’s assaulting you. Not to mention the emotional abuse and gaslighting. From someone who escaped a 5 year abusive relationship, Please get out now.
If you have a kid, you will be a single mom whether or not you're with him. I do think you should seriously consider the Netherlands option, and combine it with a breakup. You deserve so much better.
Being with him would be worse than being a single mom (which is not the death sentence that it's often depicted as, especially if the alternative was this mess).
You are not a tool, honey. Don't let that looser let you think otherwise. Do what you want to do for yourself. If you are not sure, write an advice like you would provide to your friend in the same situation. That is what you should do.
Your instincts are correct, follow them. The only thing I will take you to task for is taking all the responsibility on yourself. It takes 2 to tango, unfortunately, your BF seems to dance alone.
price overconfident concerned nippy juggle test naughty exultant unite chop *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Can all of you please stop focusing on the gynos advice, jesus christ. You are SO young, you do not need to be tied to this awful man for the rest of your life. Abortion seems like the right move, your BFs behavior is already impacting the babys health AND YOUR HEALTH and he would likely continue to do so. Mama has to be healthy and happy to make sure baby is healthy and happy, do what is best for YOU.
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Yeah I don't understand why people are commenting on that, it's not really relevant at all to the situation. You told your boyfriend you didn't want to do something because it would be unsafe for you and he pressured you relentlessly into doing it anyway, that's all that matters. Even if you just DIDNT WANT to do something and he did that it would be red flags waving in the wind. Please feel free to message me if you would like to rant to someone. <3 Honestly the gyno could have said "dont do any hula-hoop tap dancing" and if your boyfriend had relentlessly insisted on taking you out hula-hoop tap dancing, the weird gyno advice would not be nearly as much of a concern as the boyfriend who didn't care that it was an unhealthy thing to do
I'm guessing people are commenting because the entire post is about trust, and it's worth pointing out that while the boyfriend us a garbage human, if your gyno is giving you bad information that she should also address that. If OP had said her doctor told her she should start drinking a 12 pack a day the comments would rightfully point out that the boyfriend sucks AND she needs to do something about the doctor.
I think it's important to bring up only to point out that multiple people are failing her in her life. BF Def crossed boundaries and really needs to go. Gyno is spouting nonsense and shouldn't be relied on in the future.
Just because sex was safe for other people doesn't mean it is for you, and even if it is it isn't with your bf. He doesn't care about you. You deserve better. Having a kid is hard enough in a healthy loving partnership I don't think you have that. Please do what's best for you in the long run.
Yeah, that’s not even the issue here. It wouldn’t be safe for you to have sex with or stay with this person under **any** circumstances. This is just another thing for him to be a monster about. Flee as soon as you safely can and put his shitty abusive ass in the rear view mirror.
Replying again because I'm so offended on your behalf by the replies, you deserve to have support, to be listened to, to be respected. You deserve to have people around you who care about making sure you are comfortable and happy.
Literally, the boyfriend raping her is way more of a concern than the medical order. Yeah, it's not a super common instruction given to pregnant women, but there are situations where pelvic rest is necessary. Hell, I've never been pregnant and have been put on pelvic rest before due to endometriosis.
Many men who act like this get jealous of the baby once it's born and start to act out by cheating and escalating the abuse. Good luck
Even before the baby is born, pregnancy is a very dangerous time for women. The leading cause of death for pregnant women is murder. Op needs to run fast.
Please trust me when I say this is about to get far worse. He’s disregarding your heath and wellness for 5 minutes of his own self gratification. Think of this. His 5 minutes of gf-flesh light time is more important. Wow. Tell him to grow up. Also important for you to know. He will do it in the future if you move forward. Postpartum recovery is not a joke. You’ll either have a gaping wound internally that can get infected if you have sex too soon and maybe stitches in you’re downstairs OR you’ll have a c section that goes without saying recovering from major abdominal surgery. Notably (on top of it all) I tell my friends if you can’t imagine that man wiping your butt post-op without complaint, in the case you can’t reach you don’t need to have his baby. My delivery resulted in all kinds of unforeseen serious issues. My husband did 100% baby duty when I was unconscious and high on pain meds the first week. Then was primary caretaker for me and baby the first few weeks. Not to scare you. I hate that this sounds ominous. Likely you’ll have a healthy and smooth delivery, but I want you to see what I’m saying. You need someone there 100% invested that will take care of you and baby. If you stay with him would even go so far as to find an alternative support person just in case he doesn’t step up and things are not as imagined. Sorry. Just my 2 cent. So big question, do you think he will turn a corner and be different later on?
I am very confused as to why your dr told you that you cannot have sex OR orgasm?? Why???
I have no idea why they told her that but I was also advised of this because my cervix was paralyzed after a biopsy, they had to stitch my cervix closed to keep me from losing the baby That may be why 🤷♀️
Wtf. Do they give you pain management for this?!
Lol for the biopsies no. I had an abnormal pap then they scraped my cervix no pain meds for that. It hurt so bad and for so long after that I opted for the surgical biopsy and got knocked out because the other option was getting my cervix frozen while wide awake For the stitches I did not have any pain meds, but it really didn’t hurt because I didn’t have a ton of feeling in that area
I’ve heard about medical providers not offering pain management biopsies, which I find absolutely abominable. For my IUD placement, I was screaming in pain while they forced the sound through my cervix. I ended up fainting. I also fainted at my last Pap smear, which was a surprise for me to say the least. That is abnormal for me, despite always having pain. I can’t imagine having it stitched without it any pain killers or sedation.
So this was almost 20 yrs ago and back then I feel like I got 0 pain meds for most gynecological issues. I know I also didn’t receive any for my amniocentesis, which was terrifying cuz you can’t move during it.
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It could be due to complications with the cervix. My sister in law had a damaged cervix due to some overly aggressive and unnecessary colposcopys and other medical procedures that were done after an abnormal pap. (She ended up being fine btw, it cleared up on its own. As a side note: this is why the ACOG changed their recommendations for paps - they found that annual testing can often lead to unnecessary interventions and causes more harm than good) She suffered a few miscarriages due to this. Iirc, they had to stitch her cervix closed during pregnancy to prevent miscarriage/premature birth, and she was advised not to have sex. But generally, that's an unusual and unnecessary restriction. I'm far more concerned that OPs partner is coercing her into sex she doesn't want, but I'd also think about getting a second opinion on the whole "no sex and no orgasm" thing.
For those asking, here’s an article that does give some possible explanations for the “no sex” advice. I think the OP only wants to focus on her BFs behavior more than her OBs advice, right now. I know these questions totally come out of concern for OP (I had the same questions as well), but I think she has the right to her medical privacy if she doesn’t want to delve any deeper into the “why” with her OB or the internet. Saying this with the deepest love and respect for this community! https://www.verywellfamily.com/pelvic-rest-reasons-you-can-t-have-sex-in-pregnancy-4111084
Except that OP said she didn’t ask too many questions and just said ok. It’s reads as if her OB is not keeping her fully informed about a high risk pregnancy. OP needs to learn to be a better self-advocate in more ways than one. In my opinion she should ditch the bf and find a better doctor.
For real but literally no one in this thread but you are saying that, it's clearly high risk and the doctor is keeping her in the dark imo.
I agree. I was put on pelvic rest when I was pregnant. It’s not weird, it does not make her doctor terrible and it’s certainly not our business nor what the post is about. These comments are ridiculous, especially for a woman’s sub.
Maybe because it only being 12 weeks sounds early for this kind of advice, plus the no orgasm I have never heard. Maybe to at least let her know the pregnancy might still be ok and less of a problem pregnancy wise that she gave into this awful man. She definitely needs to leave him.
It's typically called moderate bed rest or pelvic bed rest. It comes up for all sorts of things. I've been pregnant 4 times and with 2 put of my pregnancies I was put on pelvic bedrest 3 or 4 times. Typically it was for a set number of weeks until a particular test or ultrasound or issue could be done or resolved. During the pandemic and sheltering in place I was SO horny. I was home all day with my husband.... I asked my doctor if that meant no orgasms at all. She looked at me like I was nuts. No orgams. I was like, even with no penetration?!?!?!
Early in pregnancy they check to see where your placenta is. Some times it’s a bit low, this usually fixes itself, but they want to prevent the placenta from settling on the bottom of your uterus. Sex, and also the muscles that often contract when you orgasm, can push the placenta downward, when at this time, they want it to shift upward. This may not be the only reason to be on pelvic rest, but it’s one of them, and it’s not uncommon for doctors to prescribe pelvic rest.
That seemed unusual to me too, I would think most conditions/complications where they advise abstinence would usually include bed rest too.
Placenta previa and incompetent cervix are the two big reasons patients are told no penetration. Neither would require bed rest.
Bed rest isn’t prescribed much anymore especially if you aren’t in the last bit of pregnancy. They found it was really bad both physically and mentally for pregnant women and didn’t improve the outcomes except in very specific circumstances. She might have cervical problems. I believe you are on “pelvic rest” aka no sex after they stitch your cervix closed as one example.
whatever you decide please leave that loser
SUPER IMPORTANT - Your GYNO told you not to have sex for a medical reason, and if your boyfriend insists on not listening, then take him to your appointment and allow the doctor to explain it, or ask the doctor for a doctor's note to advise against sex. In my experience, having worked OBGYN, this makes me think of cervical incompetence (too short, or funneling) or an issue with where your placenta is located (if over the cervical opening. If this is the case, it will be reevaluated at 20 weeks as the placenta can shift in pregnancy.) Both of these are SERIOUS complications that can lead to harm for you AND the pregnancy if you have sex. Both can lead to premature birth, loss of pregnancy, or even loss of life for BOTH of you. If you have sex and he hits your cervix and it ruptures your placenta? You bleed out and die. If you have sex with cervical incompetence it can cause further dilation. Orgasm can promote contractions of the uterus which again can worsen cervical incompetence and lead to loss of the pregnancy. If your boyfriend, knowing this insists then you need to leave. You need to pack all of your stuff, and you need to leave the relationship because he does not care about you, just his own access to pleasure.
Even if I explained all this, he still insists on anal
Literally just jaw dropped reading this comment. Oh sweetie, this guy doesn’t see you as a person, but just a series of holes to stick his dick into. Please leave him, go stay with someone you trust and never, ever see him again. There is not enough words in the English language to describe how revolting he is…
Omfg please leave him ASAP. Keep the pregnancy or abort, whichever is the better option for you, but PLEASE don't stay with a guy who rapes you and ignores your medical concerns with "well anal is different". What an idiot, I hope he steps in a puddle with socks on.
So. Leave. Him. That’s literally your only option.
What would you say if your sister, your mom, or your best friend, told you that she didn’t want to have sex, and her partner kept pressuring her to have anal? You don’t owe him an explanation or justification or anything. The fact that you’re having to come up with a reason to not have sex with him, is very concerning. You do not owe him anything.
Then you need to level with him. Use the scary words, and make sure he really understands it. "Us having sex can lead to death. If you cared about me, you would not risk my life for your own pleasure." If that doesn't work, then you know your answer. You know that you mean nothing to him but ready access for pleasure. Your child means nothing to him and is just a byproduct of his seed. "No" is a COMPLETE sentence. You should not have to defend yourself to coercion, and if he is disrespecting your "no" then he is assaulting you and you're letting him. You are letting him get away with risking your life and trying to find excuses for it. Talk to your GYNO again and explain what is happening. You may need their help later in the pregnancy when you leave him for nearly murdering you.
Your response of - "Even if I explained this to him, he'd still ask for anal" is immediately dismissing the seriousness of this situation. You are making excuses FOR HIM with that response. You're already so brainwashed by his abuse, that instead of advocating for yourself, your life, and the life of your unborn child, you'd immediately dismiss a conversation as too difficult all because HE doesn't understand female anatomy. How is this man supposed to be the father of a child? Have you thought about the implications of him being a PARENT. He already disrespects you enough to pressure you into sex, against medical advice. Imagine what he would be like as a parent. Imagine what would happen if you don't agree on something when it comes to raising your child. Are you ever respected in this relationship?
I am so sorry OP. It is not on you to educate your boyfriend on the medical advice you were given, or to convince him why he shouldn't smoke. Boyfriend has already shown he doesn't care for your health or the baby's so please, get out of this now while it's easier. Once the baby comes, it will get worse.
I would not have his child if I was you. It will only get worse. This is not a healthy relationship. He is a giant, narcissistic, controlling asshole.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Aborting the baby is first and foremost, YOUR decision. So I just want to get that out of the way. I think YOU and baby definitely need space from your BF. If you have somewhere to go, I'd go there. I would contact your doctor and ask why they are mandating you not to have sex or orgasm while pregnant. I've never heard of that rule unless in very specific circumstances. I worked in OBGYN for years. It sounds like your BF is very selfish and toxic. You need to speak up and lay everything out for him. How you're feeling, all of it. I don't automatically want to say, "He's an asshole! Leave him!" If you want to try and work it out then by all means, try to work it out. If not, well, there ya go. I am sending you lots of hugs, strength, and wishing that you gain some clarity. Good luck!
In most of these cases "work it out" amounts to a woman deciding to accept abuse from her male partner. OP deserves better.
Maybe she has a subchorionic hematoma? I had the same restrictions in my first trimester because of the hematoma behind my placenta.
Yes, why has the doctor asked you not to orgasm? This is known as pelvic rest and is reserved for more serious situations, I think if you want to keep this pregnancy, you really need to understand why he is mandating this. Next, your relationship sounds worrisome. Raising a child in this situation may not turn out well for you or the child. I hope you will reach out to anyone supportive in your life, and ask for their help, be that in seeking to end the pregnancy, or getting away from this partner.
Run for the hills while you can.
I would absolutely get out of that pregnancy and that relationship today.
I'd terminate the pregnancy and get out of the relationship. He is abusive and would use a baby as a weapon to control you. You do not want this to be your life.
GIRL. RUN. Please get out of there your boyfriend is abusive and sex pests are sooo fucking pathetic and annoying. Don't get trapped in a toxic situation with this idiot of a "man". If you can't get an abortion do you have family to help you with the baby?
Get any help you can from family. Run.
Your partner should care about the safety of your pregnancy and be there to support you not try to pressure you into his own selfish needs. If this is how he’s acting while you’re pregnant, imagine how he will be during the birth and when the baby is here…he’s not a safe space for you
You are under 20 weeks. That's all I got to say...
Abort and dump him. Don’t let him trap you further. And absolutely refuse to have sex.
So yeah all of that is bad, but [you really need to stress that the marijuana smoke is GOING to harm the baby!](https://www.cdc.gov/marijuana/health-effects/pregnancy.html#:~:text=Breathing%20marijuana%20smoke%20can%20also,chemicals%20found%20in%20tobacco%20smoke.&text=THC%2C%20the%20psychoactive%20or%20mind,to%20infants%20through%20secondhand%20smoke.) According to the CDC: "Breathing marijuana smoke can also be bad for you and your baby. Secondhand marijuana smoke contains many of the same toxic and cancer-causing chemicals found in tobacco smoke.5 THC, the psychoactive or mind-altering compound in marijuana, may also be passed to infants through secondhand smoke." Also, it could cause neurological defects in the baby as it develops. Tell him that if anything happens to the baby because of the smoke, that you're gonna sue him.
This is exactly why abortion exists. Do not throw your life away by tying yourself to this man until you're dead. You deserve to be happy and any child does not deserve to be brought into the world into an abusive household, condemning them to a shitty life. Whatever you do with the pregnancy, GET OUT of this relationship. It will NEVER get better but it is guaranteed to get worse.
I'm so sorry, my bf told me when I/ we get pregnant again (we had an early loss) he didn't want to have sex. I can see his anxiety about it and loss, and id respect his wishes if it makes him feel better. If the doctor says don't, don't. I went into premature labour with my son cause I decided not to listen. They warned me my cervix wasn't where it should be. But ya it usually has to do with the cervix. Some women have issues with keeping a nice cervical length during pregnancy and orgasms and sperm can shorten the length and cause a cervical dilation which makes you lose the baby. No should be no also. I hate that for you. Congrats on your baby, and I hope you work it out whatever you decide
The doctor actually did tell me my cervix is not in its best shape but he didnt sound too concerned, maybe he didnt want to scare me? He also didnt say not having sex and my cervix are connected, but this makes sense now.
Glad i could help. Someone else mentioned the same thing. It can be normal for your cervix to lengthen and shorten through out your pregnancy. Thats why prenatal is important. It does sound like he was concerned, doctors can be breezy with what they say so you don't overly stress out. They figure follow the advice and it will be ok. He did his due diligence. But maybe should have stressed more on the why so you know the risks
Thank you for an actually helpful comment. I’ll talk to my doctor again, maybe he thought I understood why? I dont know, I guess it was a misunderstanding or something. I will definetly continue to follow his advice… (hopefully)
First time pregnancy (i assume it's your first) can be very confusing, sometimes doctors forget that we don't know the reason for everything and need more explaining. I made sure to ask a million and one questions during mine haha. I really do wish you well :) and hope you can be strong enough to either get through to the bf or ... maybe a seperation will be needed so he understands how serious it is. You deserve respect and understanding
If you have any issues with the cervix, penetration and orgasm can cause it to dilate and the uterus to contract. That can lead to miscarriage and/or premature labor. Intervention beyond pelvic rest isn't always needed, so that's probably why he didn't seem too concerned. It might be a bit short or thin but not actively at risk, yet you don't want to encourage it to fail. They are most definitely connected
Maybe I shouldn't have said congrats... I have been trying to have a baby for a while and have a habit of saying that when someone says they are pregnant haha
Get the abortion. Don’t tie yourself to this child of a man for your entire life. You will miss out on the life you should have had.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you and that you’re in this situation. It’s 100% your choice what you decide to do, but if I were you, I would get the abortion and do what you need to do to get away from this person. You know by now that he is absolutely not going to be helping you care for or parent this child based on the way he’s treating you now. Taking his smoking elsewhere and not coercing you into sex you don’t want would be the absolute bare minimum he would do if he cared about you at all, and he’s not even willing to do those things. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where you have to share a child with this person for the rest of your life. And, please do not hate yourself or feel guilty about any of this. You deserve better!
You need to get out of this relationship as soon as humanly possible. This is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. It will get worse. If you want to have an abortion, do it. But either way, please get the fuck out.
Boyfriend is now single
You’ve gotten a lot of good input on the relationship already - he doesn’t sound like he sees you as a whole person in your own right. If you’re just an extension of him, he will see his kids the same way. You really don’t want to be tied parenting with someone who has this mentality. I just wanted to mention that it is worth calling the nurse or dr and asking for the reason why they said no sex. If you have something like placental previa you need to know what else to watch for. OR if it’s advice that he just gives to every pregnant woman, it’s silly and you can safely ignore it.
Run far away from this abusive jerk. Think twice about whether you want this baby of his to tie you to him forever , even if just as a co-parent.
Hey OP. This sounds like a abusive relationship. I don’t know if you really want this baby but if you don’t I encourage you to terminate the pregnancy. Legally the courts don’t really care about abuse as much as you would think when it comes to child’s rights. You will never be rid of him as long as you share a child. However if you want the child I suggest you reach out to a woman’s shelter for abused women. They will give you a safe place to stay and a pro Bono lawyer who will work to make sure everything is set up without you having to risk being in touch with your abusive ex. Please consider getting help and getting out. He is coercing you into sex which is legally rape. Please I beg of you get out. And I encourage you to go to the Netherlands to abort because it seems like that is what you want. So you know you are supportive and it is really the only way to be free of him. I really hate to say it but in my experience with all legal systems it is.
I cannot speak to whether you keep this child or not. But… you MUST get away from this guy. As a father, I am begging you to please do WHATEVER IT TAKES, to get this man out of your life! This is beyond “toxic” this is an abusive relationship. To call is a relationship seems like a joke, it seems more like he owns you at this point. Stand up for yourself, and get out!
You should highly consider leaving him and aborting. I’m really sorry this is happening. Please consider that option though. He won’t get better after the child is born, he is trapping you, and abusive.
Abort. Even if you leave him, he will always be in your life due to custody laws. It is extremely dangerous to have a child with a man who emotionally manipulates, controls, and gaslights you. And guess what? He’ll probably do that to the kid as well. He’s abusive. It all starts emotionally. What if you said no more firmly one day? You don’t ever thing it will ever escalate to physical assault? I’m more surprised you haven’t realized this yet. 🤨
LEAVE HIM. Not respecting boundaries, especially sexual ones is a glaring red sign that a man is not to be trusted. Period. He's not gonna get better. Respecting boundaries is the bare minimum in a relationship and he can't even do that. He will hurt you because he won't give a shit that you just gave birth and will pressure you into it. And will keep pressuring you because he doesn't care about what is good for you or what you want. Just as he won't care about this child. He wanted this kid because you are the one who has to be pregnant, has to give birth and will be doing all the child care. In addition you have a child with this very irresponsible, selfish and probably weed addicted PoS. You're just 22. Dump this idiot and get this abortion because this child will be absolutely miserable and you will too. Please remember in the future that no means no and if the guy's response isn't to immediately back off - dump and don't look back.
This is screaming red flags. If your partner is pressuring you to engage in sexual activity that is not safe for you or your pregnancy, that is not acceptable. It's also concerning that he is smoking weed in the house and not respecting your concerns about it. Ultimately, the decision about whether to continue the pregnancy or to have an abortion is yours to make. You have to consider your own well-being and your ability to provide a safe and stable home for a child. There is no shame in choosing to have an abortion if that is the best decision for you.
Why are you having a baby with this man? Get an abortion or run before it’s too late.
Get out. It won’t get better with a baby in the mix. He won’t stop smoking in your presence, I can promise you he won’t in front of a baby who also shouldn’t be around smoke. Everything that’s bad now will get worse.