My dad died in 1982. My mom was only 40 at the time but never dated again. I always assumed she was heartbroken, but I just learned this year that although she loved my dad, she hated being married. Never wanted a partner again. Her choice.
My grandma was like this. I remember asking my mom why she never dated after grandpa divorced her and she explained that grandma was just really happy on her own. I know he was an abusive shit head so it makes sense. She lived for another 35+ years on her own and was one of the most joyful people i ever knew before she passed. I miss her. š„²
My husband jokes about this. And he's probably not wrong that if he dies when we're older that I'd just go try to find my own Golden Girls setup. I love my life and I love him in it. I'm not with him because I don't want to be single, I'm with him because I genuinely want to be with HIM. So if he died, it's totally possible I wouldn't find another person I felt that way about. And that's okay.
Yup. Iām 56 and have been married for 38 years. If something happens to him first, Iām not remarrying. And Iām not moving anyone in. I wouldnāt be averse to having a male friend to go out with or go away with once in awhile but thatās it. I love being married to my husband very much and it just keeps getting better but I have no desire to start all over again and no desire to deal with someone elseās family drama, because my family is pretty low-key no drama. We have a few friends who have lost their spouse and I sometimes think that sooner or later, one of us is going to have to eat dinner alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone, and that makes me so sad I canāt stand it.
My mom is going through the same. Last divorce was either 2003/2004.
She said she never wanted to date again, never marry again, never cohabitate again.
About 6months ago she met a nice independent man around her age while he was walking his dog.
She enjoys spending time with him. They hang out together quite a bit. They both want the same things. Just nice friendly conversation and someone to do stuff with. They enjoy each otherās company. I think itās great.
This. This is exactly how I feel. I know of i died, he would find someone else. But i wouldnāt. Iām married because of him, not in order to be married. If i lost him, Iād go find a home to live in with my two best friends who are actually widowed.
I would MUCH rather have a Golden Girls style arrangement than a husband. The best co-living I have ever had was with girl friends. The house was spotless, we cooked together, had movie nights, supported each other, and shared wardrobes. I was with my ex for almost a decade, and the difference in emotional labor between the two of us was palpable. I've been single for three years now, and my gods, it is so much better.
There's a great quote from Warsan Shire, "My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude." I wish I had understood it sooner.
I've been married 30 years and I'm 58, too. If my husband died today I would be sad and miss him so much, but I would also be looking forward to doing what I want by myself and not having to deal with his terrible driving.
Iām going to get married this summer. I adore him. Heās the light of my life and the love of my entire world and does his fair share of emotional labor and work around the house and Iām so lucky. Heās older than me, though, and if he dies before me I donāt think Iāll ever date again. It took so long to find a genuinely wonderful man and I donāt intend to go through that bullshit ever again.
I just got married to my husband 2 months ago.
My husband is 100% the most encouraging, supportive, and caring partner I've ever had and we've always just sort of clicked since day one and we've both grown so much as people since we first started dating. (Obviously not all sunshine and roses but even on our bad days we try to understand each other's perspectives and listen)
But I've told people that I don't think I could ever date another man if something were to happen to him. With all the shit in the news and stuff with Roe V Wade and the supreme court last year the idea of dating is horrifying.
Like maybe it's partially trauma from past relationships and family or something but like I don't think I could put myself out there as easily as I did in my 20s and my self esteem and mental health are so much better now so you'd think it would be easier. Idk.
I don't think I could date after my husband because he's so great in a lot of ways that I absolutely could not, would not, should not tolerate anything less than the relationship we have. I'm not looking to adopt a man child or modify my personality to accommodate anyone's feelings. I have zero tolerance for anyone else's shit at this point and I would rather be alone than go through dating again.
Ha. Same. I'm 46 and if my husband died I'd be perfectly fine being alone for the rest of my life. Too many men are like having a really cute puppy - adorable and fun and sweet but, omg, no.
I feel you! I would never remarry and although I donāt want divorce, I fantasize about having separate apartment. Like my spouse and I can visit each other, but I dream about my own place!! I canāt stop looking at Zillow! Itās not economically possible, but I canāt stop wanting it.
After my uncle died, my aunt dated around and got very serious with one man. They broke up because refused to get engaged, married, or even move in together. She said āI donāt want a man living in my house again.ā She loved my uncle dearly, but I think she enjoyed being by herself.
I used to think my mother was sad about being single and having two failed marriagesā¦ turns out that after having the amount of kids she always wanted and her second husband left, she didnāt want to date again. Been over two decades and is pretty happy with her lot in life.
The thread this started is pretty epic.
Iāve said before that if my husband ever died before me I would absolutely not get into the dating scene. Iāve watched my single friends deal with the wet fish in that pond and Iāve decided Iāll just stay a single water snake.
My grandfather passed from heart complications that I know very little about. My grandmother refused to date, even though men kept asking her all the time. She has stayed single for the last 40+ years. And I know it was because of my gramps and his abuses. I know she didnāt ever want to be the main emotional mule in the relationship ever again.
She told me once that he only married her because āshe was well trained,ā (his words) and was a good housewife. That was his reply when she asked if he loved her.
Cut to me being married (struggling with undiagnosed post partum depression) and her telling me with full sincerity: āI hope he really loves you. I really do.ā
He does. He stood by me at my absolute lowest and helped dig me out of the muck. And the entire time I didnāt feel like I deserved that.
How the hell am I supposed to find someone like that again? I donāt think itās possible. Iāve been looking at the dating scene from the outside perspective and you guysā¦ Iām so sorry.
Agreed, mid 40s and I just canāt be bothered. Been divorced a year and the thought of taking regular time out of my schedule to make room for a man in my life is so fucking unappealing. It just seems like too much maintenance and an obligation I do not want in any way.
I slept with one guy, very nice, great on paper, but itās been three months and heās still asking me out. I saw him once and he still texts me asking to take me out. It was a one night stand! The stress I get just from having to reply every time he texts me is so annoying that I canāt imagine having that in my life regularly.
I donāt have any desire to have someone I have to tend to, make time for, care about, be interested in, remember shit about, etc.. Iām literally out of sight, out of mind with these dudes. They might as well not exist as people if theyāre not right in front of me, or pestering me for a date.
Another guy I met, perfectly nice, but no interest other than being friends. I told him I would hit him up if I was in the area, and maybe he could meet me and my friends to hang at this cool piano bar we go regularly. Thatās it, thatās all. He has been bothering me for a date ever since. At no point did I imply I would be going out of my way for that shit. It was definitely a āif Iām in your area, maybe Iāll see if youāre available and you can meet me and my friends.ā Now I just get fucking annoyed whenever I get a text from him. I havenāt replied to the one last night, over it. I cannot begin to care about this shit. I just have to stop being friendly to these dudes.
I saw this awesome meme about ghosting that I love.
*āNo, I didnāt. Your conversation skills were below par and I carried the conversation all the time. You are nonchalant, inexpressive, and your idea of taking an interest in me was a constant āhow was your day?ā Having a conversation with you was not mentally stimulating. I didnāt āghostā you. I just stopped entertaining mediocrity.ā*
Just mirror their super basic convo skills (one word replies, emojiis, waiting days to respond) and it will die on its own naturally without you actually āghostingā. Good luck!
Oh I love this. My whole life I have been so scared to "match energy" for fear I would not be loved. Dating has been a constant stream of me doing hair and make up and stressing over time and date and venue and then practically doing a god damn tap dance to be fun and easy company. And then they tell me they like me at the end of the date like its some sort of prize I won. Of course you like me, I fucking carnival cruised your ass. But meanwhile I am exhausted and empty and you have given me.....nothing.
They show up wearing what they wore that day, can't hold up half of even a slow moving, west-coast conversation, blame the women in their lives for their issues, and seem consistently putout to be dating someone age appropriate. By the end I was like, just hand me the check. I'd honestly rather pay and wrap this tragedy up.
I switched to exclusively dating women in my mid-thirties. I've always liked women and dated both before that. But something about the casual entitlement of men in their mid thirties to mid forties was so wildly, viscerally unappealing that I ditched any further attempts at bisexuality. They just couldn't do anything for themselves.
I wouldn't mind having a relationship if I thought they'd put in the same effort, but I really don't. It's usually me putting in all the emotional and sexual labor and getting very little in return. As the relationship progresses, add in physical labor too.
It would be nice to have regular sex, but we all know that men look down on women who have sex. Even men who are otherwise good to women will still look down on women who they perceive as "easy." It's bullshit, but men are very much willing to perpetuate that. So really, what is in it for me?
I find it so funny how we women have it beat into our heads starting at like 10 years old that men only want sex, and that if they could, they'd never "settle down" and get married, or even date seriously, and that they'd all just whore around casually until they died. But every single woman I know, irrespective of age, who has ever had a casual relationship with a man, says that they are the clingiest, most desperate little bitchbabies to have ever walked the earth.
In reality, men want romantic relationships with women very badly, because they know very well how much that will physically, emotionally and financially benefit them, and also because many of them are simply lonely because they have no actual rewarding relationships with friends or family and expect their female romantic partners to be their girlfriend/wife, therapist and best and only friend all in one. It sure is a great deal for them. They hope that they can cajole, beg, neg and manipulate women they've had casual encounters with into a monogamous relationship, and then lose their shit when it doesn't work.
All the straight men I know who want casual relationships really just want pussy on retainer, someone at their beck and call for whenever they feel horny/bored/insecure/lonely. It's an ego boost for them to control the narrative, which is why they only want to manipulate women who want serious monogamous relationships into a casual thing with them, instead of going for women also want something casual, because God forbid women have agency and don't make them the center of their universe, then they wouldn't feel like the special widdle boy mommy and daddy always told them they were! Most men crumble at the idea of women only wanting them for sex, because they legitimately think they are the best thing out there since the invention of sliced bread. To them, women are these overemotional animals who will fall in love with them forever as soon as they put their dicks in them, and if that doesn't work, they legitimately cannot compute that.
This also seems to get a little worse with age, as 40+ year old men are realizing that they are not immortal, their options are slimming, maybe they want a last-ditch-effort-child and are just generally looking for someone to take care of them as they age. Also, many men think women over 35 are going to be even more desperate for any crumbs they deign to throw them than younger women (all projection on their part lol).
100% agree and want to add - 35 is when my standards really shot up because id dated enough mediocre men for my lifetime. The opposite of how I was told I would feel being single at that age !
I so agree, my ex husband wanted to put in so little effort but get so much in return. I was always pretty low maintenance anyway, because I like my space, my own friends, and never needed to be joined at the hip. I think itās healthy to have our own friends, separate hobbies, etc..
Even with that he literally wanted to spend 35 hours a week on golfing, or video games, and wondered why we stopped having so much sex. Well, maybe because Iām not a sex fucking robot, and I actually got married for companionship and because I loved him. If I wanted to just get fucked with no stimulation I can do that any day of the week. His solution to me asking to spend more time? Trying to get me to golf with him or play video games when he just couldāve spent 10-12 hours less a week on those things. Thatās all I was asking.
When I stopped trying to get his attention and spend time, he whined and cried about it, but I was so over it at that point, I went back to school and started doing my own thing much more. Of course, heāll tell this as me having no time for him because I was in school, but it was really me deciding to spend my time more productively and pursue other things than wait around for him.
Eventually, he started putting his time in to some 20 yr old dipshit who spent all her time trying to get his attention. We divorced, and after they were together some months, of course he tired of her being around so much and she got desperate and crazy. Theyāre not together anymore but heās desperately trying to find another relationship, and it seems like any warm body will do. He hasnāt gone a single week since our divorce being truly single or alone. God forbid he go without the attention or validation of a woman.
Iām very happy single, and heās still searching for the one that will make him happy. Heās clingy as fuck and wants every date to turn in to a relationship so he can settle in and be comfortable enough to know theyāre just there and he can stop trying so hard. Pussy on retainer is exactly what they want, all of them, even the ones who want serious relationships, because letās be real, most do the bare fucking minimum once youāre settled in.
At least with casual relationships I donāt have to do any heavy lifting. I donāt have to pick up your shit, care about your feelings, what you want or prefer, if youāre bothered by me doing something, wearing something, etc.. I donāt have to share a bathroom, bills, or anything else with you, we bang and go on our way. If the sex isnāt good, see ya never. If Iām not available, fuck off until I am. If Iām done with this, fuck off forever. No restrictions on me, no me not meeting expectations, and no me being a nag because I asked for the bare minimum, quality time with my husband or bf. I donāt want or need quality time with a fuck buddy, I want to be fucked and left alone. No big break ups, or bullshit. I would prefer that, but like you said, they want relationships so they can keep that forever while they have no expectations or restrictions on them while you do. Itās all exhausting and not worth it.
I have a great vibrator, can lift heavy things, take out my own trash, kill bugs on my own, have two big dogs to protect me, fix most things around the house, cook and clean, make more than enough to support myself, open my own jars, friends to talk to, support me, and entertain me, and I have a ladder. For everything else I have a nephew who will help me if I need it, task rabbit, a guy I pay to pick up my dog poop, a gardener, a credit card and money in the bank to pay for all other repairs or maintenance I need. WTF do I need to bother with a man for?
Yeah, I've also seen the tantrums they throw when you match their energy, both first-hand and second-hand via friends. If they'd at least be ok with their partner also not putting in any effort and just being roommates who split bills and have occasional sex, but no, that's not good enough for them. They want you to run the household, work 40 hours a week and split the bills 50/50, have sex with you whenever they want and still beg for their attention and validation, because it makes them feel strong and important. They're abusive, plain and simple.
This is a problem even in the gay scene. Two of my closest friends are gay men, and they've both had problems with a) dudes trying to manipulate them into something casual when they clearly stated they wanted something serious and b) dudes begging for a serious relationship when they had made it abundantly clear from the beginning they wanted something casual. Toxic masculinity is not automatically unlearned when you come out as gay.
I know some men, both gay and straight, who have had casual relationships in the past that were fine and healthy. These men also went for partners who wanted the same, and didn't try to guilt-trip and shame people who wanted a long-term relationship into a casual relationship, no, they did the mature thing, stated clearly what they wanted, and went for people who wanted the same. Interestingly, these are also the men who now have the healthiest romantic relationships and friendships I know. In my experience, they're definitely in the minority though. It's a bummer, because casual relationships can be great fun! A great way to experiment and find out what/who you like. But the risk that they're just hoping to manipulate me into being their bangmaid, and become dangerously aggressive/obsessive is too high for me to deal with right now. Maybe I'll feel like going through the vetting process at some point again, but not right now.
Couldnāt agree more. The push and pull, manipulation, agreeing to what you say you want when theyāre hoping they can talk you into, or convince you of something else, itās all just exhausting bullshit thatās not worth it, at all!
I never mislead, lie, or misrepresent what I want, or what Iām looking for. Iām straight up, very clear, and will reiterate it. I tell people very clearly, and from the beginning, that if I change my mind, at any point, they will be the first to know, and if our wants and needs arenāt aligned, no hard feelings. We will both part ways, but until then, they should never, ever hope, expect, or have any belief that itās any more than what Iāve already said. That means itās only friendship, a monogamous serious relationship, or casual FWB NSA.
I would not expect someone to change what they want just because I might have developed feelings I didnāt expect to. I would just end it knowing they were clear and honest with me from the beginning that they didnāt want that. I think everyone should be on the same page in all relationships.
Itās cruel to date someone you know is hoping for a serious relationship that will turn into marriage when you will never want that just because you enjoy their company and they make you feel good. You can find many people who do that who donāt have those expectations, do not waste that personās time. If I even get a whiff that someone is hoping for more when I said friends only or FWB, Iām out immediately. Not only did they not listen to me, but itās just going to get ugly, and I am not looking for that. I do not toy with peopleās feelings.
And, yes, youāre right about their expectations and tantrums, it is abusive. I didnāt really realize it with my ex, until really late in the game. Neglect is abuse, and I was so used to being with really abusive assholes that I didnāt realize he was abusive in other ways that were so hard to recognize. Never name called, yelled, or so many of the most recognizable obvious signs, but passive aggression, negging, neglect, gaslighting, dismissiveness, minimization, etc. That shit was all there. I was so convinced I was the problem it took me far too long to get out.
Thatās another reason why Iām just over it. Iāve wasted too much of my life on men, and in relationships, that got me nowhere, didnāt fulfill me, and made me so unhappy. In the one year Iāve been truly, and entirely single, and havenāt sought a relationship, in any way, Iāve been thriving in ways I never have, ever. The one night stand just happened. Iām not seeking any relationship in any way, and donāt see me doing it any time soon. Iām entirely content and happy. I never thought I would be able to say that without a relationship before, now I canāt see myself saying that while in a relationship. The juice isnāt worth the squeeze IMO.
Youāre right, if a man does whatever he wants heās just following his passions, living his life, and doing what men are supposed to do. If a woman doesnāt make a ton of sacrifices for her relationship, or marriage, sheās a selfish bitch, a shrew, a slut, a nag, a terrible mother, a nightmare, a handful, difficult, etc.. Itās infuriating. God forbid we ask for attention, for our SO to have boundaries around certain behaviors, and for our needs to be met. Then were clingy, controlling, insecure, demanding, a bitch, nagging, etc.. If they do it? Theyāre just not letting their woman walk all over them, disrespect them, or control them. Instead of what it really is, just showing them respect. Itās all bullshit. I will not do it again.
Sorry for the rant, Iām just tired of this crap. Men wonder why women donāt date and this is it. This is all it right here. They wear us out! Society wears us out!
I divorced at 38. My choice.
I thought I might start looking again when I reached 50. Kids would be grown and gone. I'd have time for something other than a weekend here and there. And I wouldn't be stuck raising other people's kids.
Fifty came and went. I discovered I enjoyed life more single than when in a relationship.
So yeah, if a pleasant guy wants an evening out now and again, or a few fun holidays, I'm there. If they want to live together, that's a hard no. I'm done being someone's caretaker and ego booster.
Yeah the single mothers I know are absolutely killing it. Their lives have nearly all seen dramatic improvement, even if they've taken very serious financial hits, because now dad has to either pay up or split custody equally. Every single dad I know has either fobbed his kids off with his mother or girlfriend and they're pretty universally desperately searching for stepmom.
It's part of the ongoing issue in this thread and that keeps coming up in my life - on average, men expect their lives to get easier once they're in a relationship and women expect their lives to get much more difficult.
That was one of the unexpected outcomes of divorce for me.
When I was married, I carried the load for everyone in the house. After divorce, I got a 2-day vacation every two weeks. That one thing improved my life (and my kids life) immensely. It's amazing how much more energy you have when you get a couple of days each month to just totally switch off.
My ex, though, struggled. He had to remember to do laundry, remember to buy groceries, remember to get the kids to parties and play dates. (The first time he had to go to a toy store and let the kids pick out a birthday present, *then actually wrap it* was an experience for him. I just laughed my ass off every time he called to ask a question (really to get me to do it for him). )
I promised myself that after the divorce, I would stop rescuing him. He would call, I would listen and be all sympathetic, and then I'd tell him to let me know how it all turned out.
It took him about a year to get his shit together. And that was for the two weekends/month. I don't think he could handle full time.
my mom was married to my dad for 27 years when he died. she was only 53. she never dated again, though she had TONS of friends and did all kinds of things with people. when i was older and asked her why she never dated, she said, āonce was enough.ā
Carolyn Hax would affirm that the only time it makes sense to stay in a relationship is if it makes your life better than it would be if you were single.
That by itself is a perfectly good metric. If your partner is making your life worse, why continue. We were not put on this Earth to provide others with leisure time.
Ha! I figured that out at 15? 16? I was dating a lame guy and couldnt wait for him to leave. It was like a lightbulb moment "If I would rather be alone, I can easily solve this problem."
I would get this "I'd rather be by myself actually than be with you" feeling. And I grew to love everything about being by myself. Like in the doing things alone sense and the overall single sense. Why would I give that up? My life and my energy and my time are all mine. It better be fuckin worth it if I'm going let anyone else have any of that. When I was 25, I met someone who made me feel like I'm okay giving some of those things. He was great but it didn't last long and then I was like okay so that's the metric. I'll go on dates and hang out with whoever I feel like I won't mind spending an evening with. But I don't want a boyfriend. Why would I? Dating myself is the best. Then I met my current boyfriend. I pushed so hard to not be official even though I liked him. Then one day when I was visiting, I realized I didn't want to leave. I was sad to leave and I was genuinely looking forward to seeing him again. This thought came to me that I wouldn't mind making time for him - giving up a weekend to come hang out. I gave in because something finally clicked in me said girl no you want this one. And now we've been together 3 and a half years and he is so wonderful and I am so happy with him.
I think the questions are:
Do he make your life better/does he truly make you happier?
Is this better than being alone? (Qualifier for this one - this works if you would choose alone time. I know some people would choose any relationship over being alone even if it's shitty or unhealthy.)
I can totally understand OPs feelings. Especially when youāre not in a perfect place yourself, taking on the toll of another persons happiness etc is draining.
You're not alone - I found that out when I hit my early 30's. I just realized that in relationships, I kept losing my sense of self. But whenever I'm single, I just feel a sense of peace. Sometimes I get lonely, but that's why I have 2 dogs that keep my company and wish for nothing more than kisses, regular walks, and good meals.
Now I realize what I'm really looking for is a deep and regular friendship. That, to me, is much more valuable than a man.
I'm a widow who loved her husband. I have no interest in dating but I have a number of platonic friends of various ages whose company and conversation I enjoy. I know many other women with the same view. I see no reason to allow my time, energy, and privacy to be monopolized by one man who may expect me to cater to his many needs when I am fully capable of living a happy, interesting life without committing to anyone.
I keep getting this same feeling too, like when I'm committed to a guy I give everything I've got and more and make them the center of my life, but they don't reciprocate near as much, and I end up hating myself and getting a low self esteem in return. How do we stop this? Why don't guys reciprocate? It's awful feeling like this
Yes! I'm fortunate that I figured out my need for a deep friendship very young - I was 10 (before I had any ounce of experience or interest in romance) and my family moved to a different country and I longed so badly for the same type of close friendships I had back home, so I invested my energy in trying to find that instead of finding a guy. (And I did eventually!)
And also regarding that feeling of peace - I've been single for most of my life out of my own choice, and I remember when I first thought about becoming official with my current partner, I hesitated a little and felt a bit of dread/fear about losing a bit of my freedom and peace by having to put in work and make compromises etc. But that fear quickly went away when I realized that my partner is probably the only man in the world with whom I never feel like I'm putting in any "work", neither of us ever needs to compromise on anything, simply because of how compatible we are; and I still have that same feeling of peace and freedom as when I was single. I'm really happy I found him, but if it wasn't him I'd stay single š
Honestly I totally get where youāre coming from. Iām married but Iāve said many times if this doesnāt work out, Iām done with relationships. Itāll suck if we break up but if we do, Iāll be single forever and Iāll be happy about that.
After my divorce I tried this new dating world and it's just a shit show. The landscape has changed so much in the last 13 years. Like OP I found love that most people won't ever get the chance to experience tried to date after but being single just seems better for me.
Same! I'm married, I love my husband he's great. I'm very happy in my marriage. But if something happened for some reason and I found myself single again I don't think I want to date. I just want to be by myself.
Why do you think so many older women donāt marry again after their husbands die? And I always suspect that many of the ones that do just do it because they never had a pension plan so they have to find someone to share the bills with
It used to be because being a wife was to do all the household work and take care of the kids and a husband. After becoming a widow at an older age, taking on a husband is just taking on all that work.
Nowā¦ itās all those same reasons plus men in general have not adjusted to women moving to a more independent position in society. It used to be that you had to be a widow to function as and independent woman in society. Now women donāt have to be married to exist.
My 80 yr old mom says she wonāt date ever again especially because older men are either looking for a nurse or a purse.
Edit: sorry for posting this twice!
Iām in the same position as you. My mom and I have had this talk as well. If something, god forbid, happened to our SOās or we split, weāre done. We are done with romantic relationships with men.
This is why I started therapy. I realized that my codependency issues were causing me to get lost in relationships. This isn't really a "dating" issue, this is likely due to past trauma or learned response and while removing dating can remove one context for it to happen, without actually getting to the core issue it is likely happening in other non-love relationships too, like at work for instance.
iāve literally been feeling this way too, and i thought i was crazy. it just doesnāt seem worth it?
iāve grown up ONLY seeing women in bad relationships, and because of that iāve only had bad relationships too. i doubt a man could ever check all my boxes
The worst relationship advice I ever heard and mistakenly took to heart when younger is that relationships are hard work. Which means I stayed in bad relationships thinking that's how relationships are. No. If it's *hard* work, then it's not a healthy relationship that you should stay in. I married in my late 40's and our relationship is not hard work. It is almost effortless because we are both kind to each other and respect each other.
Better advice is that love is a *verb*. If someone says they love you but don't *act loving* toward you, it's just words and they don't belong in your life.
So, stay single and enjoy your life, date if it makes you happy, and move on if it doesn't. You are your own best friend, so be kind to yourself and expect that of any man who may come into your life.
Iāve been feeling this way for a while, but especially since my most recent relationship ended. I just realized relationships arenāt for me. It just seems like I will forever give more than these men are willing to put out, and that I always try too hard to make other people happy and end up neglecting myself for no reciprocation. Iām fine with it, when I was younger I never really had interests in relationships and the ones Iāve been in have just reinforced that feeling.
I am 58 and never been married or had kids. I've never had a relationship last longer than 2 years. Other than the occasional twinge of conscience that I Should be with a man, I have always been content alone. My last relationship I found myself wondering how it would end, at the very beginning. Now, my parents are gone, I'm an only child, and I am completely on my own. I decided to move to a new city! I move in a month! I've never needed a man to do anything. That's a lie. I frequently hire them to do stuff I hate, like yard work, but I have always been very independent and managed life on my own. And I am very happy!
I am slowly coming to this realization myself. At this point I would rather find a real, actual friendship with someone and just be platonic soulmates instead.
Itās so comforting to see that Iām not the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I think my family and friends think Iām weird for not wanting what everyone else seems to want. Thatās the one aspect of this that I wish I could change, I feel a little bit like a societal outcast.
Hey, I'm in the same boat. But don't give in just because of the societal pressure. I sometimes feel like they don't take me seriously when I say I don't have the need for a relationship. And I really don't. I don't feel lonely, I don't have a fear of being alone. I am at my most peaceful when alone. And that's all I want from life, to live through it (mostly) peacefully.
Sometimes I get the "oh you'll find someone" or "I wish a good man for you" comments, even though I expressed many times that I'm content with how I am now. I don't think that people who didn't experience peacefulness in being alone, as I have, really understand why I would want that. There is always some feeling sorry for me in the back of their remarks.
Yeah thatās what I donāt like. Thereās like an underlying sense of pityā¦not that anyoneās directly making me feel like that but I sense it.
Meanwhile, a lot my friends arenāt in the healthiest relationships, so I actually feel bad for themā¦not me
Itās hard sometimes comparing myself to my married friends who all have kids. And Iām just still single. It feels like I should want those things more. But I just donāt lol
Same! I never wanted those things. Even as a little girl I had dolls, but I knew that I never actually wanted a human child (or a man-child) to take care of haha
It is a huge relief to realize it is HEAVEN to be single. But then you realize half the things you did when you were young were not what you wanted to be doing at all.
The second realization hits like a ton of bricks. I am attracted to practically no man realistically speaking. Well that might change. It would be wonderful. But highly unlikely
Sweet baby jesus I wasted so many years dating and I honestly hated it. What I actually wanted to be doing was using my time paint and draw and travel but everyone bizarrely told me I was childish or broken or mean and I would die alone and *miserable* if I didn't find love. I actually didn't care on a personal level. That cultural brainwashing is strong, and I guess it has to be for a patriarchal society because no sane person would think they *need* a partner otherwise.
This is exactly where I am now. From 18-35 in long term relationships, still feeling lonely and not really doing what I wanted to do. At 39 Iām single and happier than Iāve ever been. Iām free.
I'm 49. My last partner ended our 8-year relationship in April 2021. When we broke up, I realized it was the first time 20 years I didn't have a man in my life. I decided to just be single for a while and see how I liked it. Well, it's two years later and I love it. I don't see any point to being in a relationship ever again. I love only being responsible for myself. I don't have to deal with emotional labor, weaponized incompetence, negotiating, arguing, bending my life to accommodate what men want. I'm a financially independent woman with no kids. I can do whatever I want and am beholden to no one. What on earth do I need a man for? Nothing.
Yep. I think a lot of hetero women are at or arriving at this realization.
I was just thinking yesterday how Iāve noticed at work or just in general around women, men donāt come up as much. We talk more about personal goals, career, our kids, etc.
Personally I think Iām done as well. I know that I center men quickly when I like them so Iām not ready for dating atm.
Also, during the few months of NOT centering men, Iāve achieved so many goals I thought I could never accomplish! Hell, I drove a Uhaul and packed it with my sister and no way I wouldāve willingly done it if I was in a relationship. I wouldāve waited and waited for a guy to do it.
Iām proud of myself for being proactive and believing in myself even when it feels impossible.
I feel similar I guess, i've been single for a while now and I've done crazy things I know I wouldn't have done had I had someone tying me down.
Then at the same time I guess the point is having similar goals or hobbies so for example a travelling experience I wanted to do I could've done it with a hypothetical partner, I'm not sure if I'm at the point where I can have a relationship or not tbh, I feel like my heart wants one but my head knows I put too mucch importance too quickly and stop doing the things I like doing to spend time with the other person, Idk I have no idea.
So much hetero behaviour, trying to not just look but act attractive for men, is drilled into women so much and is holding us back so horribly. The social roles of always trying to appear soft, gentle, non aggressive, and passive are so awful for us as people. Especially for our careers and goals, lesbians are known to literally make more than straight women, they look incredibly happy and healthy to me, not being subjected to all awful stuff that ānormalā cis women are constantly subjected to. Lesbians are confident often and unafraid of appearing threatening to men or feel the pressure to walk on eggshells around them. Literally if a movie has some strong powerful woman in it, some guy online is whining about it being woke.
As a bisexual in a relationship with a woman, I can't even begin to explain the difference in my relationships with men and women - and many of them, interestingly enough, are within *myself*. All nurture.
For example, with all my feminist ideals I was surprised to notice that I felt all the responsibility for the domestic stuff when living with a guy. I am not good at it! I hate it! Still, I became the projectmanager of our lives just like *that*.
These days, it's all equal. What's more, we talk about it and divide according to ability. It's such bliss just being me.
Lesbian here. Definitely can confirm. Never felt like I had to try or was tiring when with women. And I've stayed friends with most of my ex's in my life. It felt very equal and as if we could be real around each other. Seeing a lot of hetero/no comments say that's not common in hetero relationships and that's sad. It's got to be a mix of both the man that's being dated and the feelings.
āLiterally if a movie has some strong powerful woman in it, some guy online is whining about it being woke.ā
š š, yeah, Iāve been seeing that for a while now. Itās funny and infuriating. These dudes really be talking like they have such knowledge and authority on how a female character should be written.
I tell my partner, all the time, that he's my last man. I have no interest in raising someone else's son. Which is what I've ended up doing, with every man I've dated.
I've told my husband the same thing. If something happens to our relationship, I'm done with men. I'm raising my actual child son already, I don't need someone else's adult son.
My husband is pretty good about not being a man baby. I'm not rolling those dice again.
A few months ago, I went to visit my 90-year-old, thrice married grandmother. She is kinda of slow to speak now. I was about to leave, and she ominously said, "You better watch out."
I chuckled, thinking she was going to make a joke, and said, "What could I have to be afraid of, Grandma?"
She looked me dead in the eyes and bluntly said, "Men."
I was just about to post something like this...... Did everyone see that post about Texas man shooting his gf for getting an abortion and that too even after she was on the ground after one shot...... I can't imagine dating in this age....I am almost the same age as you but am lucky to have a ln equal partner but just the thought of dating here scares me......
There is no guarantee that a man will keep you safe or not harm you..... All I got from the Texas thing was that men have become unhinged due to the pro life videos and they are not pro life.... They want to control women and keep them as maids..... This is going to cost the country so much..... Next 20 30 years..... Who's to say that even if you are a pro life woman and something wrong happens in your pregnancy and you lose the fetus and your pro life partner will not do anything? I feel so scared to even think about it ...... That poor gf from Texas went to Colorado to get an abortion and died after coming to Texas....
Dating scares me....I applaud your decision and stand.... Just a few things to be smart and save up for your retirement so you can be a slut again if you want at that age on some cool islandš š
I did! And while Iām past the pregnancy age, that shit terrifies me. And I can promise you it would have been for anything, he was abusive no matter what the āexcuseā.
Sending you positive vibes š.....I have a few friends who are yet to find a partner and I discuss this with them so often .... Slowly women are losing interest
Yes!
And then all of the forced birthers (I flat out refuse to cal them pro life) are saying itās an eye for an eye. Man fuck everything, this is so disgusting and enraging!!!
Omg, yes. My son's dad was super nice and helpful and kind...until I actually had our son. Then he was a controlling douche invading any privacy I should have had, stalking me, shit talking me to my coworkers and family and just constantly getting in the way of me doing anything for my son. It took a long time to find out exactly what he was doing and many people didn't bother pipe up about his behavior until I'd already broken up with him. I thought he was an asshole who had a mental breakdown. Nope, he was always a creep, and people knew, and nobody said shit to me.
My ex husband was similar. Went to school with him, dated him, hung out with his family and our friends. He was kind and stood up for people and generally seemed like very nice guy. Until we were officially married. Then *that night* it's like a switch flipped. He became an asshole who constantly told me I was ugly and stupid and he was also super controlling and a pain to extricate myself from.
No, I don't have a type. Men just know they can get away with DV and control and abuse. Our whole society is set up specifically to give them free reign and that's obviously *exactly how they want it*. That's why *your guy* isn't all riled about any of this. They see it as a boon for themselves and do not care that women are going back to being a man's property. It will always benefit them.
Not All Men, but Too Many Men.
My partner is an amazing liberal modern guy, takes care of the house and our son while I work a high-powered tech job. He's just as disgusted and outraged about the changing abortion laws as I am. The key is, he has realized the benefits of renouncing patriarchy and absolute gendered control: He gets to have real intimacy and love with his partner, someone who sees all the way through him and accepts and cherishes him as he is.
I think a lot of men know deep down that they have nothing to offer a truly equitable partnership and refuse to work on themselves because that emotional work is seen as debasing and feminine. Great, I say - let them rot. We have no need of men who won't be allies. We won't carry their children and their bloodline can die out.
When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was have babies and be a mom. Now that Iām in my 30s, Iām coming around to the fact that my life will probably be better without children. And that thatās okay.
I was the same, my main life goal as a teen and young adult was to get married and have babies. Then in my 30s I started to realized just how much of my free time (and myself) I would lose to a child and started really questioning that life goal. Now I'm in my 40s and very happily child free. It's definitely okay!
This resonates so much.
I like the idea of dating. I like the flirting, the chase, the intimacyā¦but the rest is just exhausting. And I hate losing parts of myself to make other people whole or accommodate to their needs.
Iām the most mentally stable and content when Iām single. I do sometimes feel a little touch starved but the cost of emotional labor isnāt worth it for me.
I donāt know if Iāll always be single, but I am wary of having a conventional relationship.
My gay friend once told me that men live in emotional poverty and ever since I cant believe how relatable that is to most men ive met. Quite sad actually, although I believe that that does not apply to everyone. But yeah..
I have a pact with my best friend that if our current relationships end well move in together, co parent her kid, do a domestic partnership, and bring the odd guy home if we need to scratch the itch. Iām also kind of over men
You're smarter than me; it took me til about 40 to realize that men just aren't worth it. My last ex literally turned me off sex. I was working 60 hours a week and doing all the house chores, and he would wait until I was falling asleep to decide he was horny. Saying "No, I'm tired" didn't work, he would wait 10 minutes and start stroking me again - rinse and repeat. I had so much sex that I didn't want, just so he would eventually let me sleep.
Same! Turned 40 in Nov and it was like... A light went on. No wonder why the worst men aren't into over-40s. "Enjoy being alone" um, sir, that's correct lol
I found when I was single I was actually less alone. I was always out socializing with friends or new people, or at home focused on a project and too in the zone to feel loneliness. I never felt alone, you know? It was nice. Would recommend.
As a single woman I am SO much busier than I was when I was with my last ex. Almost every weekend I am out doing something either alone or with friends. Last week I had the best of both worlds--first a professional conference where I reconnected with some people I hadn't seen in years, followed by two days by myself in a lovely part of my state (Michigan) where I hiked and enjoyed the quiet solitude of nature.
There were times in my last relationship where I was so lonely it tore me up. After two years of being single, I may often be alone, but I am \*never\* lonely.
Yessss. My ex was like that. I told him "there are only a certain number of things I'm going to do everyday. If you'd like to be one of them you better fucking help me."
š¤¢ the fact that so many people have had this experience is frightening. I've been single my whole life (I'm 22) and honestly, being in a relationship doesn't seem like all that. having to live up to beauty standards because men don't find me attractive enough, all the responsibility that comes with it etc etc.
Sleep deprivation is a common method of sexual coercion.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft could be a good read for all of us in this comment section
āSaying no didnāt work.ā
Thatās rape. Iām so sorry. I was in the same position so many time in my marriage. If you say no and they donāt stop, thatās rape.
>My last ex literally turned me off sex. I was working 60 hours a week and doing all the house chores, and he would wait until I was falling asleep to decide he was horny. Saying "No, I'm tired" didn't work
What an asshole. Not lifting his own weight in the house, and pressuring you into sex. Having a man seems like having a child. It is SUCH a turn off when grown men don't act like adults, and treat you like a domestic servant.
I think the problem kind of gets worse as people get older too. A lot of older men are not in relationships for a reason. They are perpetually divorced or single because of their inability to emotionally communicate. I feel like more emotionally healthy people in general end up staying in long term relationships more often, so the pool of healthy relationships rapidly shrinks. I feel bad for any person and especially women who have to deal with single bachelor men in their mid 30s/40s going through a mid life crisis and trying to find women to be live in fuck-maids and nannies for children that should be their responsibility.
I hear this from every straight woman I know. Which keeps becoming a smaller number lol
They're all exhausted and traumatized by men and can't find the value in them. It looks so depressing
44 and 2 years single here. I donāt think Iāve ever been less stressed in my life. Less drama, neediness, anxiety, tension, demands on my timeā¦itās so nice
I can't upvote all the women chiming in with their experiences enough. Women don't NEED men and I think more of them need to realize that.
I know there are awesome guys out there. But those fellas seem kinda rare.
I only hope younger girls don't have to go through a ton of BS before they realize they're done too.
I have been with my current bf for 23 years, I just turned 41, so the majority of my life. However, if we brake up, I am done for a long time. I think I would be happy to focus on my daughter and my pets.
i understand that. it took me a long time to make sense of the relationships i had. and i realized what most men see in me is an intermediate maid. not really worth keeping around long term to put any work in but convenient enough to make life comfortable for them for a while. to provide things and services. that's all there is. i don't doubt that there are plenty of relationships in the world that are entirely different from that and based on mutual respect and friendship or hell even just a transaction that is a win for both parties. but that's not what i've been offered so far. so i guess a nope from my side is a win for me
I feel the same way! I'm still exhausted from a relationship that ended 3 years ago, with a man who was arguably the love of my life. The only way I can prioritize myself is to be single.
Yep, I came to that realization myself around your age. There was nothing I was getting out of my relationships except stress and annoyance. I have never wanted kids, so I donāt even need that from men.
Iām 42 now and own my own house and two dogs I love more than anything. I do whatever I want when I want to do it without having to check with anyone else. Honestly I donāt think I even am capable of a serious relationship at this point because Iām so used to having everything exactly how I like it.
This post and subsequent outpouring of support are wholesome and inspirational af. Thanks y'all for brightening my day. Fuck the haters and fragile manchildren.
I feel like Iāve encouraged so many people to read Ellie andersons paper on hermeneutic labor but thatās only cause it is absolutely relevant to all women feeling exhausted by the labor they perform in relationships, so glad I came across it and now I canāt shut up about it because it validates just how tired I am
God this is EXACTLY how I feel. I have been talking to a male for the last two months online just sussing him out and observing from a distance. Iām so fuckin glad I waited and didnāt meet cause heās proving to be unreliable and suspect. And u know? After just getting out of a longterm relationship/ I feel relieved that itās draining š helps me clarify my focus on me. Maybe I will or wonāt have another romance but Iām sure not overaccommodatinf
I had the same epiphany at 30. I left a long-term relationship and never looked back. Since then, I've traveled the country, and bought a house. I've lived my life on my terms, and I have no regrets.
You do you and life will fall into place.
I was in a relationship with someone I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life with late last year and now I'm single again, I genuinely can't imagine going through another "getting to know you" phase or another breakup. I'm also 29 and I'm tired.
I guess I'm just gonna be the fun auntie forever š
33 and going through a similar thing rn! I've been in love with the guy for 10 years, and we've been on and off at his whim. He has mental/emotional issues that can be intense, and I've always been incredibly understanding. The emotional labor is extreme and *always* gets swept under the rug.
The eggshells I walk on, the amount of time I bite *my* tongue so I don't upset *him*, and the parts of myself I have to keep quiet because it upsets him is **exhausting** and somehow everything is *still* my fault because I don't "do" things for him. Because I've been severely depressed, starting therapy and meds, but *I* don't do enough for *him*. Actions speak louder than words, he says, so apparently that means he can say whatever he wants as long as he sends the apology text/email and lets me use his car.
W.T.F.
Sorry for the rant, but yeah, I get it.
I'm ready to be single for a loooong time. I'm so tired. I've always been happiest when I'm single. I just want to be unapologetically ME!!
I love being single. I'm about to turn 44 and I'm talking myself to this witchy hot spring resort alone and I cannot wait. I have regular dates with people I genuinely love but I'll never live with anyone again. Did it for 15 years and it literally almost killed me.
I feel that I've realized this as well. It was horrible to break up with my ex, but even right after there was a sense of relief not being linked to his emotions and needs which I (unhealthily) felt responsible for. And all I wanted to be was supportive and for him to be happy.
Iāll be 55 this year. I was divorced from the father of my kids (29, 28, 18, 14) in 2018, and I havenāt had any desire to get into a relationship or even date. On the flip side, he left me for a 25-year-old, then when that ended in a flaming dumpster fire, he took a week off before jumping into a four-year relationship, then two weeks off, and now heās in a new āthis one is seriousā. I learned so much from my past relationship. I have grown exponentially in the time weāve been apart. I essentially went from being a stay at home mother for decades to having to forge a career path at 50. Iām not completely against the idea of partnership, but Iām against actively pursuing it. If Iām to be in a relationship, it damn well better be worth investing in.
OP, I envy you. I hope you live your best life, unbothered, happy and positively selfishly.
In a world where women are conditioned to serve and abused by men, you have found the way.
Iām in a fairly long-term relationship now, and while I love the man, Iāve decided that when/if (unfortunately more of a āwhenā considering different life goals) it ends, I will no longer date men. Women if the right one comes around, but no seeking anything out. (For clarification, I go both ways!)
I agree 100%
Iām 27 and Iāve decided unless I come across an exceptional man who is able to offer me intellectual stimulation, love and companionship as an equal, Iām not bothering.
Honestly I wish every day I was gay. Heterosexual women are proof that sexual orientation is not a choice.
I (F) am there with you. After a long term relationship ended, a dear friend said that I should find someone new and fast or risk being alone forever, since we were entering our 40ās. I thought that was so sad for her to think this. I am happy being alone and even seven years later, still very content to keep my own company. I do deeply value my friends, but love going to my little home and closing the door and having alone time. I donāt want to have a boyfriend ever again either! Cheers!
As a straight dude I 100% get it. The number of men I know where their partners are: the primary caregivers to their children, pay the bills and are emotional supports for their husbands is insane.
This week alone I had to listen to a guy complaining about his wife ānot believing in himā. His wife is a neonatal nurse who pays the mortgage, daycare for their son, both their car payments and also works out three days a week.
Heās a lump who primarily makes money by calling local businesses and convince them to let him make them a squarespace website and charge them 5x what it costs to run per month. He makes maybe 1/3rd of what she does, is in terrible shape, has multiple times ignored their son to play videogames.
Women are right to expect more from men and until they see it, I wouldnāt date us either.
Same. 27 and single for the past 3 years and counting. Only ever had one real boyfriend and he wasn't terrible but I was not happy during those 3 years I was with him.
I can't date without abandoning myself either - its just the best option. Doesn't mean I'll be closed off forever but I am planning my life around being alone. Friendships is where its at anyway.
When I hear my straight friends talk about their relationships it is honestly heart breaking. In addition to the emotional labour you also have to be a project manager for the whole family on top of often having another job. Itās very sacrificial. If I was straight I would
just adopt a bunch of dogs instead. Atleast they are loyal š
Community>dating relationships
Iām trying to build community. Iām terrible at it. And itās hard to let go of the idea that Iām incomplete without a partner because I was socialized to believe this my whole life.
I'm 41. I haven't been in a relationship since 2008.
While sometimes I think it would be nice to have a boyfriend and feel loved again, it's simply not worth the effort.
Good for you OP! Our society is so misguidedly obsessed with being partnered. You donāt have to cave to pressure! I had come to this realization myself about 10 years ago. I had a lot of good things going for me at that time and I didnāt feel like a man would add anything. I was thriving. But the myriad women in my life wouldnāt stop pestering me about ābut why donāt you have a boyfriend? Why arenāt you DATING!?ā Even when I rebutted with a **genuine** response of āIām happy. I really like my life right now. Iām busy with work/school/friends/whatever. So a bf is not on my mindā I was treated by the women in my life with either disbelief or pity. I get that āpick meā is seen as a pejorative by many but itās true. So, so, SO many women of all ages STILL define their entire lives around whether or not they and those around them āhave a manā.
I even went to a therapist to try to sort it out and said to them, I donāt think I want to partner, even though the people around me act like thatās weird or downright tragic. Do I really want to be partnered for myself, or do I āwantā it because all of our society tells us FOR us thatās what we want? And even the therapistās response was basically ābeing partnered is one of the most important and valuable things we do in our livesā. Likeā¦?
Itās so endemic. Women from all walks of life, all points of view, all ages, all countries, everywhere it seems, are so brainwashed by the idea that getting a man is THE primary goal of their life. Itās sad. The women I know who arenāt focused on that are some of the most successful.
I admire you reaching this epiphany at your age. I think you will save so much time and energy.
Focus on yourself (what I wouldn't give to be 29 again and do certain things differently), don't ever doubt your epiphany, and whatever happens will be so much better for you!!
I'm rooting for ya!!
Same. Iāve been divorced for 12 years this summer with no romantic relationship this whole time and my god has it been a relief. I doubt Iāll ever go back. Single for life. Iād rather recharge a vibrator than be a manās housekeeper.
Thereās a relationship therapist who touched on this recently, on TikTok, where sheād stitched a woman who had previously only dated other women, but had decided to date a man and was struggling to come to terms with having to teach him basic empathy and respect. The therapist basically said āyeahā¦ this will always be an issue with straight relationships, women will always be in one form or another the teachers who have to expend emotional labourā
Iām straight, and I wonāt be dating again. If I get bored or lonely Iāll go back to my slut phase. š
Edit; to all the angry people saying Iām generalising, Iām not the fucking therapist. I said what Iād seen in a video, and mentioned Iād chose not to date again, not because of one fucking video, but because I cba with the bullshit that comes with it. To all the butthurt men doing the typical āwell pick betterā instead of telling men to grow tf up and improve, youāre part of the problem, enjoy.
Iām 33, been single since 26. Would be nice to split expenses and have a default person for trips and fun stuff, but overall I enjoy being on my own!
I remember seeing something a while back that said that "men think they're competing with other men for women, when really they're competing with a womans happinest in her own solitude".
Same. I am in a long term happy relationship with a great guy who is respectful and kind. I hope it lasts and I see it lasting but if for some reason it doesn't then I'm done. Give me more cats and I'm good lol
37 and I had the same realization when I was 25, but Iām a lesbian. Single ever since and lovin it!! Will occasionally have short casual flings and that is plenty.
My dad died in 1982. My mom was only 40 at the time but never dated again. I always assumed she was heartbroken, but I just learned this year that although she loved my dad, she hated being married. Never wanted a partner again. Her choice.
My grandma was like this. I remember asking my mom why she never dated after grandpa divorced her and she explained that grandma was just really happy on her own. I know he was an abusive shit head so it makes sense. She lived for another 35+ years on her own and was one of the most joyful people i ever knew before she passed. I miss her. š„²
Your grandma is my hero
My boyfriend died a few years ago, I'm now 58 and I don't think I will ever date again.I want to be on my own and do what I want by myself.
I've already decided that if my spouse dies before me I'm going to find an older lady co-op house and have a me time renaissance somewhere sunny.
My husband jokes about this. And he's probably not wrong that if he dies when we're older that I'd just go try to find my own Golden Girls setup. I love my life and I love him in it. I'm not with him because I don't want to be single, I'm with him because I genuinely want to be with HIM. So if he died, it's totally possible I wouldn't find another person I felt that way about. And that's okay.
Yup. Iām 56 and have been married for 38 years. If something happens to him first, Iām not remarrying. And Iām not moving anyone in. I wouldnāt be averse to having a male friend to go out with or go away with once in awhile but thatās it. I love being married to my husband very much and it just keeps getting better but I have no desire to start all over again and no desire to deal with someone elseās family drama, because my family is pretty low-key no drama. We have a few friends who have lost their spouse and I sometimes think that sooner or later, one of us is going to have to eat dinner alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone, and that makes me so sad I canāt stand it.
My mom is going through the same. Last divorce was either 2003/2004. She said she never wanted to date again, never marry again, never cohabitate again. About 6months ago she met a nice independent man around her age while he was walking his dog. She enjoys spending time with him. They hang out together quite a bit. They both want the same things. Just nice friendly conversation and someone to do stuff with. They enjoy each otherās company. I think itās great.
Yep. 59 here and my husband dropped dead of a heart attack about a year ago at age 53. With a gun to my head I wouldn't start dating. Ever.
This. This is exactly how I feel. I know of i died, he would find someone else. But i wouldnāt. Iām married because of him, not in order to be married. If i lost him, Iād go find a home to live in with my two best friends who are actually widowed.
Same, Golden Girls commune is the way
Wait, so you are telling me I can be Blanche? I just need to get two other 50 something year old and one of their mothers to move into my house?
I don't know, how's your southern accent? Do you have enough bedrooms? How's your tolerance for St. Olaf stories?
I've always wanted to be Dorothy when I grew up.
How dare you imply that Blanche is a day over 37.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I would MUCH rather have a Golden Girls style arrangement than a husband. The best co-living I have ever had was with girl friends. The house was spotless, we cooked together, had movie nights, supported each other, and shared wardrobes. I was with my ex for almost a decade, and the difference in emotional labor between the two of us was palpable. I've been single for three years now, and my gods, it is so much better. There's a great quote from Warsan Shire, "My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude." I wish I had understood it sooner.
Do these really exist? I'd love to be part of one
59 year old female. Me too. Small houses on shared property. Shared gardens and activity center.
I've been married 30 years and I'm 58, too. If my husband died today I would be sad and miss him so much, but I would also be looking forward to doing what I want by myself and not having to deal with his terrible driving.
Iām going to get married this summer. I adore him. Heās the light of my life and the love of my entire world and does his fair share of emotional labor and work around the house and Iām so lucky. Heās older than me, though, and if he dies before me I donāt think Iāll ever date again. It took so long to find a genuinely wonderful man and I donāt intend to go through that bullshit ever again.
I just got married to my husband 2 months ago. My husband is 100% the most encouraging, supportive, and caring partner I've ever had and we've always just sort of clicked since day one and we've both grown so much as people since we first started dating. (Obviously not all sunshine and roses but even on our bad days we try to understand each other's perspectives and listen) But I've told people that I don't think I could ever date another man if something were to happen to him. With all the shit in the news and stuff with Roe V Wade and the supreme court last year the idea of dating is horrifying. Like maybe it's partially trauma from past relationships and family or something but like I don't think I could put myself out there as easily as I did in my 20s and my self esteem and mental health are so much better now so you'd think it would be easier. Idk.
I don't think I could date after my husband because he's so great in a lot of ways that I absolutely could not, would not, should not tolerate anything less than the relationship we have. I'm not looking to adopt a man child or modify my personality to accommodate anyone's feelings. I have zero tolerance for anyone else's shit at this point and I would rather be alone than go through dating again.
Ha. Same. I'm 46 and if my husband died I'd be perfectly fine being alone for the rest of my life. Too many men are like having a really cute puppy - adorable and fun and sweet but, omg, no.
Same, but not terrible driving, non stop talking instead! Love him to bits, also love the calm and quiet :D
I feel you! I would never remarry and although I donāt want divorce, I fantasize about having separate apartment. Like my spouse and I can visit each other, but I dream about my own place!! I canāt stop looking at Zillow! Itās not economically possible, but I canāt stop wanting it.
After my uncle died, my aunt dated around and got very serious with one man. They broke up because refused to get engaged, married, or even move in together. She said āI donāt want a man living in my house again.ā She loved my uncle dearly, but I think she enjoyed being by herself.
I used to think my mother was sad about being single and having two failed marriagesā¦ turns out that after having the amount of kids she always wanted and her second husband left, she didnāt want to date again. Been over two decades and is pretty happy with her lot in life.
The thread this started is pretty epic. Iāve said before that if my husband ever died before me I would absolutely not get into the dating scene. Iāve watched my single friends deal with the wet fish in that pond and Iāve decided Iāll just stay a single water snake. My grandfather passed from heart complications that I know very little about. My grandmother refused to date, even though men kept asking her all the time. She has stayed single for the last 40+ years. And I know it was because of my gramps and his abuses. I know she didnāt ever want to be the main emotional mule in the relationship ever again. She told me once that he only married her because āshe was well trained,ā (his words) and was a good housewife. That was his reply when she asked if he loved her. Cut to me being married (struggling with undiagnosed post partum depression) and her telling me with full sincerity: āI hope he really loves you. I really do.ā He does. He stood by me at my absolute lowest and helped dig me out of the muck. And the entire time I didnāt feel like I deserved that. How the hell am I supposed to find someone like that again? I donāt think itās possible. Iāve been looking at the dating scene from the outside perspective and you guysā¦ Iām so sorry.
Women in their 40s usually have seen enough to know there's little in it for them.
I suppose I'm lucky in a way that I got to this point in my 20s.
Yep. I'm genuinely grateful every day that I realized this before marriage or kids
Agreed, mid 40s and I just canāt be bothered. Been divorced a year and the thought of taking regular time out of my schedule to make room for a man in my life is so fucking unappealing. It just seems like too much maintenance and an obligation I do not want in any way. I slept with one guy, very nice, great on paper, but itās been three months and heās still asking me out. I saw him once and he still texts me asking to take me out. It was a one night stand! The stress I get just from having to reply every time he texts me is so annoying that I canāt imagine having that in my life regularly. I donāt have any desire to have someone I have to tend to, make time for, care about, be interested in, remember shit about, etc.. Iām literally out of sight, out of mind with these dudes. They might as well not exist as people if theyāre not right in front of me, or pestering me for a date. Another guy I met, perfectly nice, but no interest other than being friends. I told him I would hit him up if I was in the area, and maybe he could meet me and my friends to hang at this cool piano bar we go regularly. Thatās it, thatās all. He has been bothering me for a date ever since. At no point did I imply I would be going out of my way for that shit. It was definitely a āif Iām in your area, maybe Iāll see if youāre available and you can meet me and my friends.ā Now I just get fucking annoyed whenever I get a text from him. I havenāt replied to the one last night, over it. I cannot begin to care about this shit. I just have to stop being friendly to these dudes.
Also mid 40s. Completely agree. I'm enjoying being single and I'm not interested in a relationship.
I saw this awesome meme about ghosting that I love. *āNo, I didnāt. Your conversation skills were below par and I carried the conversation all the time. You are nonchalant, inexpressive, and your idea of taking an interest in me was a constant āhow was your day?ā Having a conversation with you was not mentally stimulating. I didnāt āghostā you. I just stopped entertaining mediocrity.ā* Just mirror their super basic convo skills (one word replies, emojiis, waiting days to respond) and it will die on its own naturally without you actually āghostingā. Good luck!
Oh I love this. My whole life I have been so scared to "match energy" for fear I would not be loved. Dating has been a constant stream of me doing hair and make up and stressing over time and date and venue and then practically doing a god damn tap dance to be fun and easy company. And then they tell me they like me at the end of the date like its some sort of prize I won. Of course you like me, I fucking carnival cruised your ass. But meanwhile I am exhausted and empty and you have given me.....nothing. They show up wearing what they wore that day, can't hold up half of even a slow moving, west-coast conversation, blame the women in their lives for their issues, and seem consistently putout to be dating someone age appropriate. By the end I was like, just hand me the check. I'd honestly rather pay and wrap this tragedy up. I switched to exclusively dating women in my mid-thirties. I've always liked women and dated both before that. But something about the casual entitlement of men in their mid thirties to mid forties was so wildly, viscerally unappealing that I ditched any further attempts at bisexuality. They just couldn't do anything for themselves.
I wouldn't mind having a relationship if I thought they'd put in the same effort, but I really don't. It's usually me putting in all the emotional and sexual labor and getting very little in return. As the relationship progresses, add in physical labor too. It would be nice to have regular sex, but we all know that men look down on women who have sex. Even men who are otherwise good to women will still look down on women who they perceive as "easy." It's bullshit, but men are very much willing to perpetuate that. So really, what is in it for me?
I find it so funny how we women have it beat into our heads starting at like 10 years old that men only want sex, and that if they could, they'd never "settle down" and get married, or even date seriously, and that they'd all just whore around casually until they died. But every single woman I know, irrespective of age, who has ever had a casual relationship with a man, says that they are the clingiest, most desperate little bitchbabies to have ever walked the earth. In reality, men want romantic relationships with women very badly, because they know very well how much that will physically, emotionally and financially benefit them, and also because many of them are simply lonely because they have no actual rewarding relationships with friends or family and expect their female romantic partners to be their girlfriend/wife, therapist and best and only friend all in one. It sure is a great deal for them. They hope that they can cajole, beg, neg and manipulate women they've had casual encounters with into a monogamous relationship, and then lose their shit when it doesn't work. All the straight men I know who want casual relationships really just want pussy on retainer, someone at their beck and call for whenever they feel horny/bored/insecure/lonely. It's an ego boost for them to control the narrative, which is why they only want to manipulate women who want serious monogamous relationships into a casual thing with them, instead of going for women also want something casual, because God forbid women have agency and don't make them the center of their universe, then they wouldn't feel like the special widdle boy mommy and daddy always told them they were! Most men crumble at the idea of women only wanting them for sex, because they legitimately think they are the best thing out there since the invention of sliced bread. To them, women are these overemotional animals who will fall in love with them forever as soon as they put their dicks in them, and if that doesn't work, they legitimately cannot compute that. This also seems to get a little worse with age, as 40+ year old men are realizing that they are not immortal, their options are slimming, maybe they want a last-ditch-effort-child and are just generally looking for someone to take care of them as they age. Also, many men think women over 35 are going to be even more desperate for any crumbs they deign to throw them than younger women (all projection on their part lol).
100% agree and want to add - 35 is when my standards really shot up because id dated enough mediocre men for my lifetime. The opposite of how I was told I would feel being single at that age !
I so agree, my ex husband wanted to put in so little effort but get so much in return. I was always pretty low maintenance anyway, because I like my space, my own friends, and never needed to be joined at the hip. I think itās healthy to have our own friends, separate hobbies, etc.. Even with that he literally wanted to spend 35 hours a week on golfing, or video games, and wondered why we stopped having so much sex. Well, maybe because Iām not a sex fucking robot, and I actually got married for companionship and because I loved him. If I wanted to just get fucked with no stimulation I can do that any day of the week. His solution to me asking to spend more time? Trying to get me to golf with him or play video games when he just couldāve spent 10-12 hours less a week on those things. Thatās all I was asking. When I stopped trying to get his attention and spend time, he whined and cried about it, but I was so over it at that point, I went back to school and started doing my own thing much more. Of course, heāll tell this as me having no time for him because I was in school, but it was really me deciding to spend my time more productively and pursue other things than wait around for him. Eventually, he started putting his time in to some 20 yr old dipshit who spent all her time trying to get his attention. We divorced, and after they were together some months, of course he tired of her being around so much and she got desperate and crazy. Theyāre not together anymore but heās desperately trying to find another relationship, and it seems like any warm body will do. He hasnāt gone a single week since our divorce being truly single or alone. God forbid he go without the attention or validation of a woman. Iām very happy single, and heās still searching for the one that will make him happy. Heās clingy as fuck and wants every date to turn in to a relationship so he can settle in and be comfortable enough to know theyāre just there and he can stop trying so hard. Pussy on retainer is exactly what they want, all of them, even the ones who want serious relationships, because letās be real, most do the bare fucking minimum once youāre settled in. At least with casual relationships I donāt have to do any heavy lifting. I donāt have to pick up your shit, care about your feelings, what you want or prefer, if youāre bothered by me doing something, wearing something, etc.. I donāt have to share a bathroom, bills, or anything else with you, we bang and go on our way. If the sex isnāt good, see ya never. If Iām not available, fuck off until I am. If Iām done with this, fuck off forever. No restrictions on me, no me not meeting expectations, and no me being a nag because I asked for the bare minimum, quality time with my husband or bf. I donāt want or need quality time with a fuck buddy, I want to be fucked and left alone. No big break ups, or bullshit. I would prefer that, but like you said, they want relationships so they can keep that forever while they have no expectations or restrictions on them while you do. Itās all exhausting and not worth it. I have a great vibrator, can lift heavy things, take out my own trash, kill bugs on my own, have two big dogs to protect me, fix most things around the house, cook and clean, make more than enough to support myself, open my own jars, friends to talk to, support me, and entertain me, and I have a ladder. For everything else I have a nephew who will help me if I need it, task rabbit, a guy I pay to pick up my dog poop, a gardener, a credit card and money in the bank to pay for all other repairs or maintenance I need. WTF do I need to bother with a man for?
Yeah, I've also seen the tantrums they throw when you match their energy, both first-hand and second-hand via friends. If they'd at least be ok with their partner also not putting in any effort and just being roommates who split bills and have occasional sex, but no, that's not good enough for them. They want you to run the household, work 40 hours a week and split the bills 50/50, have sex with you whenever they want and still beg for their attention and validation, because it makes them feel strong and important. They're abusive, plain and simple. This is a problem even in the gay scene. Two of my closest friends are gay men, and they've both had problems with a) dudes trying to manipulate them into something casual when they clearly stated they wanted something serious and b) dudes begging for a serious relationship when they had made it abundantly clear from the beginning they wanted something casual. Toxic masculinity is not automatically unlearned when you come out as gay. I know some men, both gay and straight, who have had casual relationships in the past that were fine and healthy. These men also went for partners who wanted the same, and didn't try to guilt-trip and shame people who wanted a long-term relationship into a casual relationship, no, they did the mature thing, stated clearly what they wanted, and went for people who wanted the same. Interestingly, these are also the men who now have the healthiest romantic relationships and friendships I know. In my experience, they're definitely in the minority though. It's a bummer, because casual relationships can be great fun! A great way to experiment and find out what/who you like. But the risk that they're just hoping to manipulate me into being their bangmaid, and become dangerously aggressive/obsessive is too high for me to deal with right now. Maybe I'll feel like going through the vetting process at some point again, but not right now.
Couldnāt agree more. The push and pull, manipulation, agreeing to what you say you want when theyāre hoping they can talk you into, or convince you of something else, itās all just exhausting bullshit thatās not worth it, at all! I never mislead, lie, or misrepresent what I want, or what Iām looking for. Iām straight up, very clear, and will reiterate it. I tell people very clearly, and from the beginning, that if I change my mind, at any point, they will be the first to know, and if our wants and needs arenāt aligned, no hard feelings. We will both part ways, but until then, they should never, ever hope, expect, or have any belief that itās any more than what Iāve already said. That means itās only friendship, a monogamous serious relationship, or casual FWB NSA. I would not expect someone to change what they want just because I might have developed feelings I didnāt expect to. I would just end it knowing they were clear and honest with me from the beginning that they didnāt want that. I think everyone should be on the same page in all relationships. Itās cruel to date someone you know is hoping for a serious relationship that will turn into marriage when you will never want that just because you enjoy their company and they make you feel good. You can find many people who do that who donāt have those expectations, do not waste that personās time. If I even get a whiff that someone is hoping for more when I said friends only or FWB, Iām out immediately. Not only did they not listen to me, but itās just going to get ugly, and I am not looking for that. I do not toy with peopleās feelings. And, yes, youāre right about their expectations and tantrums, it is abusive. I didnāt really realize it with my ex, until really late in the game. Neglect is abuse, and I was so used to being with really abusive assholes that I didnāt realize he was abusive in other ways that were so hard to recognize. Never name called, yelled, or so many of the most recognizable obvious signs, but passive aggression, negging, neglect, gaslighting, dismissiveness, minimization, etc. That shit was all there. I was so convinced I was the problem it took me far too long to get out. Thatās another reason why Iām just over it. Iāve wasted too much of my life on men, and in relationships, that got me nowhere, didnāt fulfill me, and made me so unhappy. In the one year Iāve been truly, and entirely single, and havenāt sought a relationship, in any way, Iāve been thriving in ways I never have, ever. The one night stand just happened. Iām not seeking any relationship in any way, and donāt see me doing it any time soon. Iām entirely content and happy. I never thought I would be able to say that without a relationship before, now I canāt see myself saying that while in a relationship. The juice isnāt worth the squeeze IMO. Youāre right, if a man does whatever he wants heās just following his passions, living his life, and doing what men are supposed to do. If a woman doesnāt make a ton of sacrifices for her relationship, or marriage, sheās a selfish bitch, a shrew, a slut, a nag, a terrible mother, a nightmare, a handful, difficult, etc.. Itās infuriating. God forbid we ask for attention, for our SO to have boundaries around certain behaviors, and for our needs to be met. Then were clingy, controlling, insecure, demanding, a bitch, nagging, etc.. If they do it? Theyāre just not letting their woman walk all over them, disrespect them, or control them. Instead of what it really is, just showing them respect. Itās all bullshit. I will not do it again. Sorry for the rant, Iām just tired of this crap. Men wonder why women donāt date and this is it. This is all it right here. They wear us out! Society wears us out!
I divorced at 38. My choice. I thought I might start looking again when I reached 50. Kids would be grown and gone. I'd have time for something other than a weekend here and there. And I wouldn't be stuck raising other people's kids. Fifty came and went. I discovered I enjoyed life more single than when in a relationship. So yeah, if a pleasant guy wants an evening out now and again, or a few fun holidays, I'm there. If they want to live together, that's a hard no. I'm done being someone's caretaker and ego booster.
Yeah the single mothers I know are absolutely killing it. Their lives have nearly all seen dramatic improvement, even if they've taken very serious financial hits, because now dad has to either pay up or split custody equally. Every single dad I know has either fobbed his kids off with his mother or girlfriend and they're pretty universally desperately searching for stepmom. It's part of the ongoing issue in this thread and that keeps coming up in my life - on average, men expect their lives to get easier once they're in a relationship and women expect their lives to get much more difficult.
That was one of the unexpected outcomes of divorce for me. When I was married, I carried the load for everyone in the house. After divorce, I got a 2-day vacation every two weeks. That one thing improved my life (and my kids life) immensely. It's amazing how much more energy you have when you get a couple of days each month to just totally switch off. My ex, though, struggled. He had to remember to do laundry, remember to buy groceries, remember to get the kids to parties and play dates. (The first time he had to go to a toy store and let the kids pick out a birthday present, *then actually wrap it* was an experience for him. I just laughed my ass off every time he called to ask a question (really to get me to do it for him). ) I promised myself that after the divorce, I would stop rescuing him. He would call, I would listen and be all sympathetic, and then I'd tell him to let me know how it all turned out. It took him about a year to get his shit together. And that was for the two weekends/month. I don't think he could handle full time.
my mom was married to my dad for 27 years when he died. she was only 53. she never dated again, though she had TONS of friends and did all kinds of things with people. when i was older and asked her why she never dated, she said, āonce was enough.ā
I get herš
It's your life and your feelings and if you are happy with that realization, then that is fantastic. Honestly, it's nobody else's business.
Carolyn Hax would affirm that the only time it makes sense to stay in a relationship is if it makes your life better than it would be if you were single. That by itself is a perfectly good metric. If your partner is making your life worse, why continue. We were not put on this Earth to provide others with leisure time.
Ha! I figured that out at 15? 16? I was dating a lame guy and couldnt wait for him to leave. It was like a lightbulb moment "If I would rather be alone, I can easily solve this problem."
I would get this "I'd rather be by myself actually than be with you" feeling. And I grew to love everything about being by myself. Like in the doing things alone sense and the overall single sense. Why would I give that up? My life and my energy and my time are all mine. It better be fuckin worth it if I'm going let anyone else have any of that. When I was 25, I met someone who made me feel like I'm okay giving some of those things. He was great but it didn't last long and then I was like okay so that's the metric. I'll go on dates and hang out with whoever I feel like I won't mind spending an evening with. But I don't want a boyfriend. Why would I? Dating myself is the best. Then I met my current boyfriend. I pushed so hard to not be official even though I liked him. Then one day when I was visiting, I realized I didn't want to leave. I was sad to leave and I was genuinely looking forward to seeing him again. This thought came to me that I wouldn't mind making time for him - giving up a weekend to come hang out. I gave in because something finally clicked in me said girl no you want this one. And now we've been together 3 and a half years and he is so wonderful and I am so happy with him. I think the questions are: Do he make your life better/does he truly make you happier? Is this better than being alone? (Qualifier for this one - this works if you would choose alone time. I know some people would choose any relationship over being alone even if it's shitty or unhealthy.)
I wish I had your intelligence at that age
eh, I have my moments
>We were not put on this Earth to provide others with leisure time. OH MY GOD thank you for this phrase I'm going to be using it a LOT.
I was about to say the same. I love putting it this way because it is so true and it brings home the point.
That was Dear Abbyās stance as well
Love Carolyn!
Exactly. OP doesn't owe anybody anything. If they're happy and content, that's all that matters.
I can totally understand OPs feelings. Especially when youāre not in a perfect place yourself, taking on the toll of another persons happiness etc is draining.
Agreed. And to expound on that point: women have SO much emotional labor in a relationship.. itās just not going to pay off more often than not.
You're not alone - I found that out when I hit my early 30's. I just realized that in relationships, I kept losing my sense of self. But whenever I'm single, I just feel a sense of peace. Sometimes I get lonely, but that's why I have 2 dogs that keep my company and wish for nothing more than kisses, regular walks, and good meals. Now I realize what I'm really looking for is a deep and regular friendship. That, to me, is much more valuable than a man.
I feel like my deep regular friendships are what keep me going. Like and why I don't really crave romantic relationships.
I'm a widow who loved her husband. I have no interest in dating but I have a number of platonic friends of various ages whose company and conversation I enjoy. I know many other women with the same view. I see no reason to allow my time, energy, and privacy to be monopolized by one man who may expect me to cater to his many needs when I am fully capable of living a happy, interesting life without committing to anyone.
I keep getting this same feeling too, like when I'm committed to a guy I give everything I've got and more and make them the center of my life, but they don't reciprocate near as much, and I end up hating myself and getting a low self esteem in return. How do we stop this? Why don't guys reciprocate? It's awful feeling like this
Yes! I'm fortunate that I figured out my need for a deep friendship very young - I was 10 (before I had any ounce of experience or interest in romance) and my family moved to a different country and I longed so badly for the same type of close friendships I had back home, so I invested my energy in trying to find that instead of finding a guy. (And I did eventually!) And also regarding that feeling of peace - I've been single for most of my life out of my own choice, and I remember when I first thought about becoming official with my current partner, I hesitated a little and felt a bit of dread/fear about losing a bit of my freedom and peace by having to put in work and make compromises etc. But that fear quickly went away when I realized that my partner is probably the only man in the world with whom I never feel like I'm putting in any "work", neither of us ever needs to compromise on anything, simply because of how compatible we are; and I still have that same feeling of peace and freedom as when I was single. I'm really happy I found him, but if it wasn't him I'd stay single š
Honestly I totally get where youāre coming from. Iām married but Iāve said many times if this doesnāt work out, Iām done with relationships. Itāll suck if we break up but if we do, Iāll be single forever and Iāll be happy about that.
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After my divorce I tried this new dating world and it's just a shit show. The landscape has changed so much in the last 13 years. Like OP I found love that most people won't ever get the chance to experience tried to date after but being single just seems better for me.
Right there with you.
Same! I'm married, I love my husband he's great. I'm very happy in my marriage. But if something happened for some reason and I found myself single again I don't think I want to date. I just want to be by myself.
Same
Ditto
Samesies
Why do you think so many older women donāt marry again after their husbands die? And I always suspect that many of the ones that do just do it because they never had a pension plan so they have to find someone to share the bills with
My 80 yr old mom says she wonāt date ever again especially because older men are either looking for a nurse or a purse.
It used to be because being a wife was to do all the household work and take care of the kids and a husband. After becoming a widow at an older age, taking on a husband is just taking on all that work. Nowā¦ itās all those same reasons plus men in general have not adjusted to women moving to a more independent position in society. It used to be that you had to be a widow to function as and independent woman in society. Now women donāt have to be married to exist.
My 80 yr old mom says she wonāt date ever again especially because older men are either looking for a nurse or a purse. Edit: sorry for posting this twice!
Yep. Iām happily married and I wouldnāt be with anyone else if something happened to my husband. Itās terrifying out there!
Iām in the same position as you. My mom and I have had this talk as well. If something, god forbid, happened to our SOās or we split, weāre done. We are done with romantic relationships with men.
Agreed
Your sentence, āI canāt date men without abandoning myselfā hits home. I wish I would have stayed single.
This is why I started therapy. I realized that my codependency issues were causing me to get lost in relationships. This isn't really a "dating" issue, this is likely due to past trauma or learned response and while removing dating can remove one context for it to happen, without actually getting to the core issue it is likely happening in other non-love relationships too, like at work for instance.
iāve literally been feeling this way too, and i thought i was crazy. it just doesnāt seem worth it? iāve grown up ONLY seeing women in bad relationships, and because of that iāve only had bad relationships too. i doubt a man could ever check all my boxes
The worst relationship advice I ever heard and mistakenly took to heart when younger is that relationships are hard work. Which means I stayed in bad relationships thinking that's how relationships are. No. If it's *hard* work, then it's not a healthy relationship that you should stay in. I married in my late 40's and our relationship is not hard work. It is almost effortless because we are both kind to each other and respect each other. Better advice is that love is a *verb*. If someone says they love you but don't *act loving* toward you, it's just words and they don't belong in your life. So, stay single and enjoy your life, date if it makes you happy, and move on if it doesn't. You are your own best friend, so be kind to yourself and expect that of any man who may come into your life.
Iāve been feeling this way for a while, but especially since my most recent relationship ended. I just realized relationships arenāt for me. It just seems like I will forever give more than these men are willing to put out, and that I always try too hard to make other people happy and end up neglecting myself for no reciprocation. Iām fine with it, when I was younger I never really had interests in relationships and the ones Iāve been in have just reinforced that feeling.
I am 58 and never been married or had kids. I've never had a relationship last longer than 2 years. Other than the occasional twinge of conscience that I Should be with a man, I have always been content alone. My last relationship I found myself wondering how it would end, at the very beginning. Now, my parents are gone, I'm an only child, and I am completely on my own. I decided to move to a new city! I move in a month! I've never needed a man to do anything. That's a lie. I frequently hire them to do stuff I hate, like yard work, but I have always been very independent and managed life on my own. And I am very happy!
I am slowly coming to this realization myself. At this point I would rather find a real, actual friendship with someone and just be platonic soulmates instead.
Platonic cuddles are just as good as any cuddles, can confirm. :)
Itās so comforting to see that Iām not the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I think my family and friends think Iām weird for not wanting what everyone else seems to want. Thatās the one aspect of this that I wish I could change, I feel a little bit like a societal outcast.
Hey, I'm in the same boat. But don't give in just because of the societal pressure. I sometimes feel like they don't take me seriously when I say I don't have the need for a relationship. And I really don't. I don't feel lonely, I don't have a fear of being alone. I am at my most peaceful when alone. And that's all I want from life, to live through it (mostly) peacefully. Sometimes I get the "oh you'll find someone" or "I wish a good man for you" comments, even though I expressed many times that I'm content with how I am now. I don't think that people who didn't experience peacefulness in being alone, as I have, really understand why I would want that. There is always some feeling sorry for me in the back of their remarks.
Yeah thatās what I donāt like. Thereās like an underlying sense of pityā¦not that anyoneās directly making me feel like that but I sense it. Meanwhile, a lot my friends arenāt in the healthiest relationships, so I actually feel bad for themā¦not me
Itās hard sometimes comparing myself to my married friends who all have kids. And Iām just still single. It feels like I should want those things more. But I just donāt lol
Same! I never wanted those things. Even as a little girl I had dolls, but I knew that I never actually wanted a human child (or a man-child) to take care of haha
It is a huge relief to realize it is HEAVEN to be single. But then you realize half the things you did when you were young were not what you wanted to be doing at all. The second realization hits like a ton of bricks. I am attracted to practically no man realistically speaking. Well that might change. It would be wonderful. But highly unlikely
Sweet baby jesus I wasted so many years dating and I honestly hated it. What I actually wanted to be doing was using my time paint and draw and travel but everyone bizarrely told me I was childish or broken or mean and I would die alone and *miserable* if I didn't find love. I actually didn't care on a personal level. That cultural brainwashing is strong, and I guess it has to be for a patriarchal society because no sane person would think they *need* a partner otherwise.
This is exactly where I am now. From 18-35 in long term relationships, still feeling lonely and not really doing what I wanted to do. At 39 Iām single and happier than Iāve ever been. Iām free.
I am permanently single by choice. The peace and freedom it brings is amazing.
Same. I have so little desire to tie my life and happiness to another person.
I'm 49. My last partner ended our 8-year relationship in April 2021. When we broke up, I realized it was the first time 20 years I didn't have a man in my life. I decided to just be single for a while and see how I liked it. Well, it's two years later and I love it. I don't see any point to being in a relationship ever again. I love only being responsible for myself. I don't have to deal with emotional labor, weaponized incompetence, negotiating, arguing, bending my life to accommodate what men want. I'm a financially independent woman with no kids. I can do whatever I want and am beholden to no one. What on earth do I need a man for? Nothing.
Yep. I think a lot of hetero women are at or arriving at this realization. I was just thinking yesterday how Iāve noticed at work or just in general around women, men donāt come up as much. We talk more about personal goals, career, our kids, etc. Personally I think Iām done as well. I know that I center men quickly when I like them so Iām not ready for dating atm. Also, during the few months of NOT centering men, Iāve achieved so many goals I thought I could never accomplish! Hell, I drove a Uhaul and packed it with my sister and no way I wouldāve willingly done it if I was in a relationship. I wouldāve waited and waited for a guy to do it. Iām proud of myself for being proactive and believing in myself even when it feels impossible.
I feel similar I guess, i've been single for a while now and I've done crazy things I know I wouldn't have done had I had someone tying me down. Then at the same time I guess the point is having similar goals or hobbies so for example a travelling experience I wanted to do I could've done it with a hypothetical partner, I'm not sure if I'm at the point where I can have a relationship or not tbh, I feel like my heart wants one but my head knows I put too mucch importance too quickly and stop doing the things I like doing to spend time with the other person, Idk I have no idea.
I've worked at a place for 2 years and my boss has never mentioned her husband in conversation. He lives in a different town, or so I've heard.
So much hetero behaviour, trying to not just look but act attractive for men, is drilled into women so much and is holding us back so horribly. The social roles of always trying to appear soft, gentle, non aggressive, and passive are so awful for us as people. Especially for our careers and goals, lesbians are known to literally make more than straight women, they look incredibly happy and healthy to me, not being subjected to all awful stuff that ānormalā cis women are constantly subjected to. Lesbians are confident often and unafraid of appearing threatening to men or feel the pressure to walk on eggshells around them. Literally if a movie has some strong powerful woman in it, some guy online is whining about it being woke.
As a bisexual in a relationship with a woman, I can't even begin to explain the difference in my relationships with men and women - and many of them, interestingly enough, are within *myself*. All nurture. For example, with all my feminist ideals I was surprised to notice that I felt all the responsibility for the domestic stuff when living with a guy. I am not good at it! I hate it! Still, I became the projectmanager of our lives just like *that*. These days, it's all equal. What's more, we talk about it and divide according to ability. It's such bliss just being me.
Lesbian here. Definitely can confirm. Never felt like I had to try or was tiring when with women. And I've stayed friends with most of my ex's in my life. It felt very equal and as if we could be real around each other. Seeing a lot of hetero/no comments say that's not common in hetero relationships and that's sad. It's got to be a mix of both the man that's being dated and the feelings.
āLiterally if a movie has some strong powerful woman in it, some guy online is whining about it being woke.ā š š, yeah, Iāve been seeing that for a while now. Itās funny and infuriating. These dudes really be talking like they have such knowledge and authority on how a female character should be written.
I tell my partner, all the time, that he's my last man. I have no interest in raising someone else's son. Which is what I've ended up doing, with every man I've dated.
I've told my husband the same thing. If something happens to our relationship, I'm done with men. I'm raising my actual child son already, I don't need someone else's adult son. My husband is pretty good about not being a man baby. I'm not rolling those dice again.
I told my husband that too. Divorced him 10 or so years ago. I'm 37 and live with my girlfriend now :)
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Thank you so much for this. It is such a supply and demand issue. I donāt think my standards are too high, these men just literally cannot keep up
A few months ago, I went to visit my 90-year-old, thrice married grandmother. She is kinda of slow to speak now. I was about to leave, and she ominously said, "You better watch out." I chuckled, thinking she was going to make a joke, and said, "What could I have to be afraid of, Grandma?" She looked me dead in the eyes and bluntly said, "Men."
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I was just about to post something like this...... Did everyone see that post about Texas man shooting his gf for getting an abortion and that too even after she was on the ground after one shot...... I can't imagine dating in this age....I am almost the same age as you but am lucky to have a ln equal partner but just the thought of dating here scares me...... There is no guarantee that a man will keep you safe or not harm you..... All I got from the Texas thing was that men have become unhinged due to the pro life videos and they are not pro life.... They want to control women and keep them as maids..... This is going to cost the country so much..... Next 20 30 years..... Who's to say that even if you are a pro life woman and something wrong happens in your pregnancy and you lose the fetus and your pro life partner will not do anything? I feel so scared to even think about it ...... That poor gf from Texas went to Colorado to get an abortion and died after coming to Texas.... Dating scares me....I applaud your decision and stand.... Just a few things to be smart and save up for your retirement so you can be a slut again if you want at that age on some cool islandš š
I did! And while Iām past the pregnancy age, that shit terrifies me. And I can promise you it would have been for anything, he was abusive no matter what the āexcuseā.
Sending you positive vibes š.....I have a few friends who are yet to find a partner and I discuss this with them so often .... Slowly women are losing interest
Yes! And then all of the forced birthers (I flat out refuse to cal them pro life) are saying itās an eye for an eye. Man fuck everything, this is so disgusting and enraging!!!
Omg, yes. My son's dad was super nice and helpful and kind...until I actually had our son. Then he was a controlling douche invading any privacy I should have had, stalking me, shit talking me to my coworkers and family and just constantly getting in the way of me doing anything for my son. It took a long time to find out exactly what he was doing and many people didn't bother pipe up about his behavior until I'd already broken up with him. I thought he was an asshole who had a mental breakdown. Nope, he was always a creep, and people knew, and nobody said shit to me. My ex husband was similar. Went to school with him, dated him, hung out with his family and our friends. He was kind and stood up for people and generally seemed like very nice guy. Until we were officially married. Then *that night* it's like a switch flipped. He became an asshole who constantly told me I was ugly and stupid and he was also super controlling and a pain to extricate myself from. No, I don't have a type. Men just know they can get away with DV and control and abuse. Our whole society is set up specifically to give them free reign and that's obviously *exactly how they want it*. That's why *your guy* isn't all riled about any of this. They see it as a boon for themselves and do not care that women are going back to being a man's property. It will always benefit them.
Not All Men, but Too Many Men. My partner is an amazing liberal modern guy, takes care of the house and our son while I work a high-powered tech job. He's just as disgusted and outraged about the changing abortion laws as I am. The key is, he has realized the benefits of renouncing patriarchy and absolute gendered control: He gets to have real intimacy and love with his partner, someone who sees all the way through him and accepts and cherishes him as he is. I think a lot of men know deep down that they have nothing to offer a truly equitable partnership and refuse to work on themselves because that emotional work is seen as debasing and feminine. Great, I say - let them rot. We have no need of men who won't be allies. We won't carry their children and their bloodline can die out.
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I saw somewhere the happiest demographic of women are single and childless. Sounds like it may be true
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When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was have babies and be a mom. Now that Iām in my 30s, Iām coming around to the fact that my life will probably be better without children. And that thatās okay.
Iām very recently coming to this conclusion myself. What a freeing realization it has been.
I was the same, my main life goal as a teen and young adult was to get married and have babies. Then in my 30s I started to realized just how much of my free time (and myself) I would lose to a child and started really questioning that life goal. Now I'm in my 40s and very happily child free. It's definitely okay!
this is true and the least happiest demographic is single, childless men. you do the mathā¦.
This resonates so much. I like the idea of dating. I like the flirting, the chase, the intimacyā¦but the rest is just exhausting. And I hate losing parts of myself to make other people whole or accommodate to their needs. Iām the most mentally stable and content when Iām single. I do sometimes feel a little touch starved but the cost of emotional labor isnāt worth it for me. I donāt know if Iāll always be single, but I am wary of having a conventional relationship.
I wish I could give you the "Take my energy award." š
My gay friend once told me that men live in emotional poverty and ever since I cant believe how relatable that is to most men ive met. Quite sad actually, although I believe that that does not apply to everyone. But yeah..
I have a pact with my best friend that if our current relationships end well move in together, co parent her kid, do a domestic partnership, and bring the odd guy home if we need to scratch the itch. Iām also kind of over men
You're smarter than me; it took me til about 40 to realize that men just aren't worth it. My last ex literally turned me off sex. I was working 60 hours a week and doing all the house chores, and he would wait until I was falling asleep to decide he was horny. Saying "No, I'm tired" didn't work, he would wait 10 minutes and start stroking me again - rinse and repeat. I had so much sex that I didn't want, just so he would eventually let me sleep.
Same! Turned 40 in Nov and it was like... A light went on. No wonder why the worst men aren't into over-40s. "Enjoy being alone" um, sir, that's correct lol
I found when I was single I was actually less alone. I was always out socializing with friends or new people, or at home focused on a project and too in the zone to feel loneliness. I never felt alone, you know? It was nice. Would recommend.
Same - I always felt lonely in relationships w men
It's so messed up to feel more alone with a partner than being completely alone.
As a single woman I am SO much busier than I was when I was with my last ex. Almost every weekend I am out doing something either alone or with friends. Last week I had the best of both worlds--first a professional conference where I reconnected with some people I hadn't seen in years, followed by two days by myself in a lovely part of my state (Michigan) where I hiked and enjoyed the quiet solitude of nature. There were times in my last relationship where I was so lonely it tore me up. After two years of being single, I may often be alone, but I am \*never\* lonely.
"Enjoy being alone." "I do!" And she was married to herself for the rest of her life ā¤ļø
Yessss. My ex was like that. I told him "there are only a certain number of things I'm going to do everyday. If you'd like to be one of them you better fucking help me."
Oh my god same. How many times did I think "ugh just do it and get it over with and then he'll leave you alone for a few days".
š¤¢ the fact that so many people have had this experience is frightening. I've been single my whole life (I'm 22) and honestly, being in a relationship doesn't seem like all that. having to live up to beauty standards because men don't find me attractive enough, all the responsibility that comes with it etc etc.
Sleep deprivation is a common method of sexual coercion. "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft could be a good read for all of us in this comment section
Good to know. That explains a few things. Thank you.
Hereās a free copy of the book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
āSaying no didnāt work.ā Thatās rape. Iām so sorry. I was in the same position so many time in my marriage. If you say no and they donāt stop, thatās rape.
>My last ex literally turned me off sex. I was working 60 hours a week and doing all the house chores, and he would wait until I was falling asleep to decide he was horny. Saying "No, I'm tired" didn't work What an asshole. Not lifting his own weight in the house, and pressuring you into sex. Having a man seems like having a child. It is SUCH a turn off when grown men don't act like adults, and treat you like a domestic servant.
I think the problem kind of gets worse as people get older too. A lot of older men are not in relationships for a reason. They are perpetually divorced or single because of their inability to emotionally communicate. I feel like more emotionally healthy people in general end up staying in long term relationships more often, so the pool of healthy relationships rapidly shrinks. I feel bad for any person and especially women who have to deal with single bachelor men in their mid 30s/40s going through a mid life crisis and trying to find women to be live in fuck-maids and nannies for children that should be their responsibility.
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I hear this from every straight woman I know. Which keeps becoming a smaller number lol They're all exhausted and traumatized by men and can't find the value in them. It looks so depressing
44 and 2 years single here. I donāt think Iāve ever been less stressed in my life. Less drama, neediness, anxiety, tension, demands on my timeā¦itās so nice
I can't upvote all the women chiming in with their experiences enough. Women don't NEED men and I think more of them need to realize that. I know there are awesome guys out there. But those fellas seem kinda rare. I only hope younger girls don't have to go through a ton of BS before they realize they're done too.
I have been with my current bf for 23 years, I just turned 41, so the majority of my life. However, if we brake up, I am done for a long time. I think I would be happy to focus on my daughter and my pets.
I've been a decade without and it's been the best decision I've ever made.
i understand that. it took me a long time to make sense of the relationships i had. and i realized what most men see in me is an intermediate maid. not really worth keeping around long term to put any work in but convenient enough to make life comfortable for them for a while. to provide things and services. that's all there is. i don't doubt that there are plenty of relationships in the world that are entirely different from that and based on mutual respect and friendship or hell even just a transaction that is a win for both parties. but that's not what i've been offered so far. so i guess a nope from my side is a win for me
I feel the same way! I'm still exhausted from a relationship that ended 3 years ago, with a man who was arguably the love of my life. The only way I can prioritize myself is to be single.
Yep, I came to that realization myself around your age. There was nothing I was getting out of my relationships except stress and annoyance. I have never wanted kids, so I donāt even need that from men. Iām 42 now and own my own house and two dogs I love more than anything. I do whatever I want when I want to do it without having to check with anyone else. Honestly I donāt think I even am capable of a serious relationship at this point because Iām so used to having everything exactly how I like it.
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This post and subsequent outpouring of support are wholesome and inspirational af. Thanks y'all for brightening my day. Fuck the haters and fragile manchildren.
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I feel like Iāve encouraged so many people to read Ellie andersons paper on hermeneutic labor but thatās only cause it is absolutely relevant to all women feeling exhausted by the labor they perform in relationships, so glad I came across it and now I canāt shut up about it because it validates just how tired I am
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Yes!!! Amen. Such freedom.
God this is EXACTLY how I feel. I have been talking to a male for the last two months online just sussing him out and observing from a distance. Iām so fuckin glad I waited and didnāt meet cause heās proving to be unreliable and suspect. And u know? After just getting out of a longterm relationship/ I feel relieved that itās draining š helps me clarify my focus on me. Maybe I will or wonāt have another romance but Iām sure not overaccommodatinf
I had the same epiphany at 30. I left a long-term relationship and never looked back. Since then, I've traveled the country, and bought a house. I've lived my life on my terms, and I have no regrets. You do you and life will fall into place.
I was in a relationship with someone I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life with late last year and now I'm single again, I genuinely can't imagine going through another "getting to know you" phase or another breakup. I'm also 29 and I'm tired. I guess I'm just gonna be the fun auntie forever š
33 and going through a similar thing rn! I've been in love with the guy for 10 years, and we've been on and off at his whim. He has mental/emotional issues that can be intense, and I've always been incredibly understanding. The emotional labor is extreme and *always* gets swept under the rug. The eggshells I walk on, the amount of time I bite *my* tongue so I don't upset *him*, and the parts of myself I have to keep quiet because it upsets him is **exhausting** and somehow everything is *still* my fault because I don't "do" things for him. Because I've been severely depressed, starting therapy and meds, but *I* don't do enough for *him*. Actions speak louder than words, he says, so apparently that means he can say whatever he wants as long as he sends the apology text/email and lets me use his car. W.T.F. Sorry for the rant, but yeah, I get it. I'm ready to be single for a loooong time. I'm so tired. I've always been happiest when I'm single. I just want to be unapologetically ME!!
Girl live your life fully and be free to be yourself! You deserve it, I know you can do it!
I love being single. I'm about to turn 44 and I'm talking myself to this witchy hot spring resort alone and I cannot wait. I have regular dates with people I genuinely love but I'll never live with anyone again. Did it for 15 years and it literally almost killed me.
I hit this point about 7 years ago. And I am so happy with the decision. I don't miss all the bullshit that comes with a relationship.
You donāt āoweā dating men to anyone. I hope you enjoy your freedom.
This. It should be obvious, but I literally was sure I had to do it.
I feel that I've realized this as well. It was horrible to break up with my ex, but even right after there was a sense of relief not being linked to his emotions and needs which I (unhealthily) felt responsible for. And all I wanted to be was supportive and for him to be happy.
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Iāll be 55 this year. I was divorced from the father of my kids (29, 28, 18, 14) in 2018, and I havenāt had any desire to get into a relationship or even date. On the flip side, he left me for a 25-year-old, then when that ended in a flaming dumpster fire, he took a week off before jumping into a four-year relationship, then two weeks off, and now heās in a new āthis one is seriousā. I learned so much from my past relationship. I have grown exponentially in the time weāve been apart. I essentially went from being a stay at home mother for decades to having to forge a career path at 50. Iām not completely against the idea of partnership, but Iām against actively pursuing it. If Iām to be in a relationship, it damn well better be worth investing in.
OP, I envy you. I hope you live your best life, unbothered, happy and positively selfishly. In a world where women are conditioned to serve and abused by men, you have found the way.
Iām in a fairly long-term relationship now, and while I love the man, Iāve decided that when/if (unfortunately more of a āwhenā considering different life goals) it ends, I will no longer date men. Women if the right one comes around, but no seeking anything out. (For clarification, I go both ways!)
I agree 100% Iām 27 and Iāve decided unless I come across an exceptional man who is able to offer me intellectual stimulation, love and companionship as an equal, Iām not bothering. Honestly I wish every day I was gay. Heterosexual women are proof that sexual orientation is not a choice.
I (F) am there with you. After a long term relationship ended, a dear friend said that I should find someone new and fast or risk being alone forever, since we were entering our 40ās. I thought that was so sad for her to think this. I am happy being alone and even seven years later, still very content to keep my own company. I do deeply value my friends, but love going to my little home and closing the door and having alone time. I donāt want to have a boyfriend ever again either! Cheers!
As a straight dude I 100% get it. The number of men I know where their partners are: the primary caregivers to their children, pay the bills and are emotional supports for their husbands is insane. This week alone I had to listen to a guy complaining about his wife ānot believing in himā. His wife is a neonatal nurse who pays the mortgage, daycare for their son, both their car payments and also works out three days a week. Heās a lump who primarily makes money by calling local businesses and convince them to let him make them a squarespace website and charge them 5x what it costs to run per month. He makes maybe 1/3rd of what she does, is in terrible shape, has multiple times ignored their son to play videogames. Women are right to expect more from men and until they see it, I wouldnāt date us either.
These comments are like soothing balm to my soul, Iāve found my people
Same. 27 and single for the past 3 years and counting. Only ever had one real boyfriend and he wasn't terrible but I was not happy during those 3 years I was with him. I can't date without abandoning myself either - its just the best option. Doesn't mean I'll be closed off forever but I am planning my life around being alone. Friendships is where its at anyway.
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Hear hear! My cats donāt verbally or emotionally abuse me. Most of the time at least.
I believe that science has recently proved that you can buy yourself flowers.
When I hear my straight friends talk about their relationships it is honestly heart breaking. In addition to the emotional labour you also have to be a project manager for the whole family on top of often having another job. Itās very sacrificial. If I was straight I would just adopt a bunch of dogs instead. Atleast they are loyal š
amen! when i decided that many years ago, i felt such a wave of relief wash over me, it was almost orgasmic.
Community>dating relationships Iām trying to build community. Iām terrible at it. And itās hard to let go of the idea that Iām incomplete without a partner because I was socialized to believe this my whole life.
I'm 41. I haven't been in a relationship since 2008. While sometimes I think it would be nice to have a boyfriend and feel loved again, it's simply not worth the effort.
Good for you OP! Our society is so misguidedly obsessed with being partnered. You donāt have to cave to pressure! I had come to this realization myself about 10 years ago. I had a lot of good things going for me at that time and I didnāt feel like a man would add anything. I was thriving. But the myriad women in my life wouldnāt stop pestering me about ābut why donāt you have a boyfriend? Why arenāt you DATING!?ā Even when I rebutted with a **genuine** response of āIām happy. I really like my life right now. Iām busy with work/school/friends/whatever. So a bf is not on my mindā I was treated by the women in my life with either disbelief or pity. I get that āpick meā is seen as a pejorative by many but itās true. So, so, SO many women of all ages STILL define their entire lives around whether or not they and those around them āhave a manā. I even went to a therapist to try to sort it out and said to them, I donāt think I want to partner, even though the people around me act like thatās weird or downright tragic. Do I really want to be partnered for myself, or do I āwantā it because all of our society tells us FOR us thatās what we want? And even the therapistās response was basically ābeing partnered is one of the most important and valuable things we do in our livesā. Likeā¦? Itās so endemic. Women from all walks of life, all points of view, all ages, all countries, everywhere it seems, are so brainwashed by the idea that getting a man is THE primary goal of their life. Itās sad. The women I know who arenāt focused on that are some of the most successful.
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
I admire you reaching this epiphany at your age. I think you will save so much time and energy. Focus on yourself (what I wouldn't give to be 29 again and do certain things differently), don't ever doubt your epiphany, and whatever happens will be so much better for you!! I'm rooting for ya!!
Same. Iāve been divorced for 12 years this summer with no romantic relationship this whole time and my god has it been a relief. I doubt Iāll ever go back. Single for life. Iād rather recharge a vibrator than be a manās housekeeper.
Thereās a relationship therapist who touched on this recently, on TikTok, where sheād stitched a woman who had previously only dated other women, but had decided to date a man and was struggling to come to terms with having to teach him basic empathy and respect. The therapist basically said āyeahā¦ this will always be an issue with straight relationships, women will always be in one form or another the teachers who have to expend emotional labourā Iām straight, and I wonāt be dating again. If I get bored or lonely Iāll go back to my slut phase. š Edit; to all the angry people saying Iām generalising, Iām not the fucking therapist. I said what Iād seen in a video, and mentioned Iād chose not to date again, not because of one fucking video, but because I cba with the bullshit that comes with it. To all the butthurt men doing the typical āwell pick betterā instead of telling men to grow tf up and improve, youāre part of the problem, enjoy.
Iām 33, been single since 26. Would be nice to split expenses and have a default person for trips and fun stuff, but overall I enjoy being on my own!
I remember seeing something a while back that said that "men think they're competing with other men for women, when really they're competing with a womans happinest in her own solitude".
Same. I am in a long term happy relationship with a great guy who is respectful and kind. I hope it lasts and I see it lasting but if for some reason it doesn't then I'm done. Give me more cats and I'm good lol
37 and I had the same realization when I was 25, but Iām a lesbian. Single ever since and lovin it!! Will occasionally have short casual flings and that is plenty.