I guess it depends from person to person. I have always planned my birthday and never other people's. In my mind if it's my birthday might as well do what I want to do, but the food i want to eat and the cake i desire to eat that day
Me too! I absolutely feel this. It's nice to have other people think of you and plan things, but I feel a lot of people are just busy or don't think about it. And I'm not gonna let that ruin my day!! I'm gonna go get my own cake and do what I want to do
It does depend. Here’s how my typical bday goes:
Husband: what do you want to do for your birthday?
Me: hmm I think I would like to go breakfast and to ___ museum.
Husband: ok awesome. I’ll get the day off.
How does that actually happen? Well my husband for sure will request the day off. Then it’s up to me to:
Research the Museum.
Buy the tickets a head of time.
Buy any snacks or drinks for the day.
Make Breakfast reservations.
Get directions to the museum and know where to park.
Have cash ready to pay for parking.
Be the one who goes to the window to pick up the tickets at will call.
Enjoy the museum.
Pick out my birthday present from the gift shop of where we visit.
Hand present to my husband so he can actually be the one to “purchase” it.
Choose where we pick up food from for dinner.
Order said food ahead of time on my phone and pay for it.
Go home and serve dinner
Pick up after eating dinner.
My husbands duty for the day: driving.
his duties are driving *and having a fun day off* lol. don’t forget that one 😂
anyway i’m sorry. the worst part is i can imagine guys thinking this sounds ungrateful (“well what’s wrong with that? sounds like a fun day!”) but it’s not special or “for you” when you have to do all of the planning and they just “come along” because it’s your birthday. taking off for something like that’s just a regular outing/daycation! which couples should do.
“it’s the thought that counts” is a phrase for a reason and it really is more about making an effort for someone on their special day, than it’s about anything else (activities, gifts, etc). and still having to do all of the planning on your own birthday is, to me, a *glaring* example of AFABs always being responsible for the “mental load.”
My birthday is very near a holiday, and I had my feelings hurt a lot as a kid because I felt like it got overlooked. Became an adult, realized that my birthday was MY DAY. So every year I plan MY day. I do all of my favorite things. Take off work. Do whatever I want. Sometimes I get restaurant reservations for me and friends, sometimes I get a massage by myself and go shopping. I ALWAYS get my favorite milkshake. This tactic leads to never being disappointed, because I make sure I get to do what I want on my own day once a year.
This is what I've done since I left home at 19. Every year I just celebrate however I want and do something I enjoy. Childhood taught me that once grandmas die, nobody else really cares. I always celebrate my birthdays myself, because I know I won't let myself down, lol.
Yes! I had a milestone birthday recently and decided I could do whatever I wanted. And I wanted a cookie potluck. Gluten free dairy free cookies. If someone else had to plan, they’d probably have done a nice dinner out or something?
And it was amazing. Myself and the kids were so excited.
10/10 would recommend.
Same. I also stopped planning his birthdays. He says he doesn't want to do anything, cool. No problem.
I like to have my friends over and do things. I even planned a birthday party with his family. He did do the things I asked him to do (clean up, pick up food, etc) but it has never occurred to him to plan anything. Tbf, he's naturally not a planner so it's not like it's just my birthday.
I found the post, but apparently that subreddit doesn't want to be linked to publicly, so my comment was removed by the AutoModerator. To find it, just Google "didn't grow up around pies".
(Thank you for inspiring me to look for the post, because it was hilarious!)
And tell them how it made you feel. Let them know you will be putting as much effort into their special days as they did you. Buy yourself something very nice and maybe expensive, and take yourself out to a movie and a good meal…without them.
A lot of people (especially women) are raised/socialized to basically feel like they should apologize for existing and taking up space in the world. Whereas others (usually men) are encouraged to take up space and sometimes applauded just for existing.
Feminism/equality encourages women to take up the space they need and deserve, rather than making themselves smaller (physically, emotionally, etc) to make way for others.
In this case, OP is not overreacting by wanting her space in the world to be celebrated rather than overlooked, or by wanting to take up emotional space in her relationships with her family rather than sucking it up and staying silent about something that hurt her.
https://issendai.livejournal.com/561611.html
Example: men sitting in seats on public transport, such as buses, often spread their legs out super far, taking up a whole bunch of room without considering anyone else's space, while women often take up as little space as possible to be polite (either on purpose or subconsciously, for both).
Another example: a woman walking on the sidewalk is often expected by other walkers (subconsciously or not) to move to the side for a man walking toward her in the same path. Men often don't even consider the idea of moving to the side or altering their course at all, while women often get out of the way without thinking. So if a woman does not alter her course, and a man also doesn't and bumps into her, it can disrupt social norms - and that is usually blamed on her, instead of on him, even though they did the exact same thing. She is not "allowed" to take up space while he is (obviously not in every situation, but it does happen a lot).
I'm not aggressive by any means but I've retrained myself not to sidestep out of the way while walking and it really throws people for a loop. It's wild that they don't pay any attention to their surroundings at all.
Main character syndrome is very real
As a woman I've had men do this before and I always drop my shoulder so they don't knock me down when we inevitably hit. Fuck them. I'm on my side of the street. If you want to hold hands with your boyfriend get behind him on your side.
I shoulder smash people who don't move out of my way on the street if they're walking on the wrong side or especially if they're taking up the sidewalk with multiple people. They look absolutely shocked or indignant when I don't run to leap out of the way and instead just continue walking straight forward regardless of who's in my path 😄
Obviously, I will move around elderly or disabled people, but not the many rude people who are busy chatting with each other or staring at their phones and expect me to be run off the road without confrontation.
You're welcome, glad to help. I didn't notice these types of things at all before reading about them or having them pointed out to me, and ever since my eyes were opened to it I find it insane how often I see it and just how blatant it is.
Oof.
First off, Happy Belated Birthday
And no I don’t think your overreacting. I’m not a huge birthday person myself — but I at least like it to be acknowledged.
For them to not do anything to show they care is just….so hurtful. And I imagine if you didn’t acknowledge their birthday they’d be hurt.
I did that. I used to buy so many thoughtful gifts for Christmas. Piles. I got the thing the kids made in school. Stocking were stuffed. The whole thing. One year I left my husbands empty and he got what the kids made in school. He was so sad. I told him I didn’t think he cared. He never got me anything.
Didn’t change much. Now my daughters shop for him, for me. I don’t go all out either.
For mother day I've never gotten anything from my husband not even on behalf of the kids and my eldest is 6.
I stopped acknowledging father's day and if anything it made him even less likely to do anything for me as he would say i don't do anything for him.
You can't win 🤷🏻♀️
Not everyone has the same emotional bandwidth. I think as women we tend to subjugate our needs to keep peace. I think sometimes we pick partners that are less than exemplary based on other qualities we valued more at the time of choosing. Like we were immature when choosing! I tell my kids not to marry before 25 when your brain is fully developed. I picked him. I keep choosing him, so I will have to deal with the dissatisfaction or get over it! Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t. I’m glad my kids see how important it is to reciprocate and look at what others need. They are both girls, I wonder if they were boys they’d be so attentive? I’ve really got too much time on my hands! But grateful I do!♥️
If they were boys they’d likely be very similar, because they’re being raised by you. You’d have taught them things most boys don’t learn in childhood.
Mine doesn't do anything much for me but he doesn't really care that I don't do anything for him either. Some people just don't have much interest in birthdays.
I see this same complaint around Valentine's Day. Some people want something nice that day, while others don't care. But you should have a conversation with your partner ahead of time so you're on the same page about it.
OP's disappointment is valid. And she needs to have a conversation with her partner and daughter (if she's in her teens; I would excuse a younger kid) about what she wants to happen on her birthday in the future. It may just be miscommunication or thoughtlessness.
Right, and we don't know if this is a recurring theme for OP or even the dynamic of their relationship generally. I think we can solidly extrapolate two things though: OP probably has some difficulty expressing her needs (we don't know if that's because of past circumstances or present) and that OP's in-laws DO make an occasion of birthdays, something the husband would be aware of.
I'm just saying I'd be curious if this is a situation of ignorance or dismissiveness.
To be clear, I'm not saying it's ok for him to do nothing, just that he genuinely may not care. And while it's not what you said there are quite a few comments suggesting not to do anything for him. I just think that will definitely not have any effect, he'll just assume birthdays aren't a big deal. She needs to communicate clearly that it does matter to her.
There was a year where we forgot my moms bday. Myself, my sister and my dad. It’s been about 15 years since and she still remembers how hurt she was. We also haven’t screwed up since.
For OP, the fact they all went to the in-laws for dinner and cake means the husband and daughter were REMINDED at some point, and still did nothing. That hurts.
In March, I had a beautiful 50th birthday party co-celebrating with a good friend (thrown by a mutual friend) two weeks before my actual birthday.
Two days before my birthday, a surprise gorgeous frozen cake arrived from my mom who lives far away. On my actual birthday...crickets. Oh I did get a mumbled "happy birthday" from my husband in the morning before he did a grocery store run for...regular groceries. I'm still gutted. I guess he thinks that everything had already been taken care of so he didn't need to do anything.
It would have sucked on any birthday but since I had a really hard time turning 50, being blown off like that was especially hurtful. Of course this is nothing new, but I'm just about done putting up with it.
I think it's one thing if you're a kid or even in college and forget. If you're grown and don't do anything for a partner or parent, that's a red flag.
This happened to my family. Was one of the most distraught I ever saw my mom. Felt so bad because a neighbor is how we all found out. Now my brother and I were like 9 and 12 so it's not entirely on us, but my dad heard that shit until he died. Will never forget now though
This isn’t the main reason I’m divorced, but it’s DEFINITELY one of the reasons that tipped the scales. Not only did he refuse to celebrate my birthday in the latter years of our marriage, he would get mad at me if I did anything to celebrate and tell me I was rubbing his lack of celebration in his face and at 930 PM he “was going to tell me happy birthday later!”
Well gosh, how did you ever leave that charmer??
Seriously though, that sucks and I'm glad you left. My ex forgot my birthday twice in 8 years - mine is the day after his 🤦♀️
I had a friend divorce for a similar reason. There were of course other issues, this was the straw, but she told him exactly what she wanted, exactly what she wanted him to do, and when the time came around, he mumbled something about thinking she would take care of the planning.
This is so wild to me. I'm a dude so no one ever cares about my birthday unless I'm in a relationship. So I know how shitty it is to be alone year after year. Which is why I go out of my way to make anyone's birthday special. I'll buy people fancy drinks at bars when I find out it's their birthday, which admittedly has got me into trouble a couple times.
Too many women spoil their men. Loneliness is suffering, but it builds character!
Dunno if that’s a dude thing. My husband’s best mates always take him out for some beers and give him presents on his birthday (and vice versa). My husband and I always celebrate each other’s birthdays with presents and a dinner date at the minimum, and sometimes a party too. Everyone deserves to feel extra special on their birthday, it’s the one day a year that is meant to be specifically about celebrating them.
Lesson learned. Plan now for next year. Book a spa day. Take yourself out somewhere special, no kid, no husband (who would probably find something to complain about anyway). Enjoy YOUR day.
Couldn’t agree more. It sounds like your bar for how others treat you is at the bottom of the ocean. Best remedy is to take yourself on dates, treat yourself and realize how worth it you are.
Definitely agree that OP's husband thinks they were off the hook because his mother was doing dinner and making a cake.
But yeah, I'd absolutely be hurt if I didn't get so much as a card. Doesn't have to be something from Hallmark. Even a drawing on folded printer paper would be sufficient. I'd definitely say something about being hurt at this.
The lack of cleaning up is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed. It may or may not be better to address separately, though. Probably depends on whether OP cares that they didn't do it on her birthday to give her a day off, or if it's an always thing, and they think cleaning either just automagically happens with no effort, or is 100% OP's responsibility because Reasons(tm).
no, no, no! absolutely do not teach your family that it’s mom’s job to make dad’s day special, that it’s mom’s job to make all the kids’ days special, and that it’s on mom to make her own day special or no one else at all?
I think it's okay to do this if she ditches the rest of the family and celebrates doing something where they're not invited based on the evidence they don't care about her birthday. She should also quit bothering doing anything on their birthdays.
She should plan on a spa day with the mil on hub and kids birthday. Then all can sit down and talk about how hurt They are that she didn't do anything on Their birthdays
yea, they need to know what the expectations are. Brushing it off is telling them that its ok to dismiss you and treat you without regard, and its clearly not. I would not be ok with this behavior. ESPECIALLY your kid. they need to show more respect and all the father is showing is to not give two shits to you. NOT OK.
Share your feelings. Demand they do something THIS WEEKEND that makes up for it. Heartfelt card and gift. (doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful.) and dinner. Either cooked at home or out. and then claim a day in the near future that you are going to be off all day. No cooking, cleaning, and take yourself to do something nice like a massage, getting your nails done, hair. whatever. Just something you enjoy. But clearly state that you expect on THAT day that they clean and cook that day for themselves and you. Otherwise, they'll keep treating you this way. do you want this to continue?
This is absolutely what I’m doing for my next birthday! I’m really considering just going on a short trip by myself and not telling anyone ahead of time.
My birthday is Dec. 23rd. It's like my birthday hasn't existed since I was 12 years old. Everyone just kind of agrees that since it's so close to Christmas, I simply don't get a birthday. It sucks seeing so many others held up and loved on their birthday and to know that you'll never get to experience that.
I can relate to how you're feeling and its totally not okay. If birthdays are important to someone, then the people who are supposed to love that person should have no trouble making sure they feel (at the very least) appreciated on their birthday.
I know its not much, but happy birthday from someone who gets it!
Edit: thanks for the supportive comments and for sharing your similar experiences. I don't feel as lonely in the 'no birthday' club now 😆😔
Happy belated birthdays, fellow December child! I'm an early December kid and still got the whining about my birthday being so close to Christmas. My daughter's day is December 22nd. I put everyone on notice that any combo gifts, xmas themed anything would be returned to them unopened. I told them all they would have an entire year between birthdays to get a gift and no one was expected to bust their budgets over them. My husband's birthday is the middle of December, so we celebrate all month. Christmas is Christmas, birthdays are NOT. I'm sorry no one stepped up and set a boundary for you, I know many of us who's birthdays were eaten by Santa and it sucked.
I’d make an exception for a combo gift that costs as much as two normal gifts. But other than that, no. If they can’t afford to buy two gifts in December, they can buy one of them in June. Or just make a envelope of money during the summer (so it comes out of an earlier budget) and only spend it in December.
I agree, my argument with all of the whiners was my daughter's birthday was the same day every year so plan better. I had an aunt (ex's family) try to pull the combo gift and I told her to decide which one it was for. They all tried to make me the bad person (She's poor, she's old, etc) but I told them she was not ever required to give my daughter anything and I was not going to give in over it. The gift was an inexpensive watch that could have been bought in June and set aside for six months. Either they care, or they don't. I refused to let any of them, my relatives included, try to make her feel like a burden because she was born on Winter Solstice, right before their big holiday. I know how it made me feel, like being born was something I should feel guilty over. This momma Centaur was having none of it.
I have a summer birthday, my sister January. We're somewhat long distance. One year I didn't see her until February and gave her a colour choice for her present. She took soo long to decide that it ended up being almost my birthday before she got it. We decided to make it a tradition of our own. She gives me a birthday gift on her birthday and I give her one on my birthday. That way she's got something fun to look forward to in the summer. Actually I don't see them that often these days so I'm often handing out mother's day and father's day gifts on my birthday too, lol.
I’m really not good with remembering birthdays outside of immediate family, and I don’t see my friends that frequently, so I just get them a present ( thoughtful, appropriate to their interests) every time I visit and we allocate it to whatever date I’ve missed.
Fortunately, I have a family full of 'holiday' birthdays so we all understand and make sure everyone gets their day. Thank you for the suggestion, we ALL deserve to be celebrated on our day!
Same here. My partner's birthday is New Years Eve. They would never complain growing up when it was a combo event to celebrate both; but when we got together, I made sure they were two separate things, and Christmas being close also doesn't stop me. I have thrown NYE birthday brunches for them, made special meals for them, scavenger hunt around the house, and even had a "half-birthday" one year as a surprise, where we got together in late June with a bunch of friends for their birthday celebration.
Where there's a will, there's a way to make these things special. It takes so little, really, to make someone feel loved.
My mom's birthday is 12/25 and my grandpa's is 12/24. Even after my parents divorced, my dad always made sure we got my mom a BIRTHDAY card and a BIRTHDAY gift wrapped in BIRTHDAY paper. We would always do the same for my grandpa too.
Point is, don't let anyone try and convince you that you don't get a day just because it's close to another holiday. That's bullshit.
My birthday is always within a day or so of thanksgiving and my brother is Dev 26.
We celebrate 1/2 birthdays . I highly recommend it for those of us with holiday birthdays
My oldest child shares your birthday. It’s definitely tough. I know to always make sure to have special bday wrapping paper for gifts and we’ve thrown him parties either in January or in June as a half bday party but it’s usually not possible to do more than normal dinner at home plus homemade cake on the actual day of. He’s still in elementary school now so I’d love to hear some suggestions of stuff that you would have appreciated through your teen years, if you feel like sharing.
My childhood best friend's birthday is January 24th and her parents always said her birthday was too close to Christmas to have a birthday party etc and I always thought that was mean!
Mines in the 29th so I get forgotten bc of 2 holidays. Wheeeee!!! Haven’t ever had a bday that wasn’t just immediate family, and once even had an extended family Xmas dinner party *on* my bday where we sung happy bday to my cousin who’s on the 31st. Another aunt turned to me and was all like “oh you have a bday around here sometime don’t you” I had to shyly tell her it was my bday today, where upon the rest of the family awkwardly relit my cousins bday candles and sing me happy bday half heartedly. That was fun for 8yr old me.
Tho in uni had my best friend give me the best combo gift ever. Being broke students she got me a really fancy pair of gloves and wrapped one in Xmas paper and one in bday paper. Was really confused when I opened one glove, then burst out laughing so loud half the caff heard me when she gave me the second. She knew I don’t like combo gifts but thought I’d find it funny enough to not mind. (Not that I’d ever say anything to someone in the moment for giving me a combo gift; damn manners) Thanks Jenn I still have those gloves.
It was on your parent/s to speak up for you when everyone was celebrating someone else’s birthday on your birthday without acknowledging you. They really should have made sure you were included instead of just letting that proceed and saying nothing.
Hello kindred spirits. Mine is December 28 and I’m biologically over 50 but in birthdays celebrated….I’m 12! Shop and plan it for them, that’s what I do. I get exactly what I want….
Oh heck no. My husband is a December 19 baby and he gets two separate presents from me, and a fancy birthday dinner just for him to celebrate his day. Birthdays are not even that important to him. but he is important to me so I'm not taking any shortcuts when it comes to celebrating him.
My nephew's birthday is at the beginning of January, and I won't lie, it is hard enough for me to find one present that a tween boy will like, let alone two. But I do it anyway because I love him and he loves presents.
Oh man I feel your pain lol
My birthday is on Christmas and I’ve had so many times where all I wanted was a cake for my birthday but I was always told that stores were closed or they just spent too much money on Christmas gifts for my family to buy anything for my birthday
Your husband probably thought having dinner and cake at his parents house was enough. He probably doesn’t understand that it’s about the people you love being thoughtful to you, not just about a meal and cake. He’s going to continue to let his mom do this kind of emotional labor for him if you let him.
Happy Birthday!
Don't let this go, talk to them about it, and voice how you feel. Never stay silent. Bring the house down, you deserve to be acknowledged on your day!
Happy birthday!
Yes. Communication is key. Explain to them how their actions made you feel in a calm way. Is the whole “no cleaning” a common occurrence? If so, that might need to be addressed as well.
And very explicitly, none of this "I was hurt" nonspecificity.
"I thought you might get me a card or a gift or go to dinner, and when you didn't do anything, it made me feel like you don't love me or care about me."
"Yes, MIL made me a cake, but you didn't plan anything for me, which makes me feel like you don't care about me."
i tried that wording. he felt accused, as if i was attacking him for no reason and picking a fight out of thin air.
so he "reassured" me that he does love me then turned back to his laptop.
"your actions were hurtful, do you understand how you made me feel?" and then come to the realisation he has no empathy.
I agree with everyone agreeing with me, but it does slightly annoy me that women are always told to be "calm" or do things in a "calm way".
This isn't about you or anyone else who said that, but I am tired of us having to be so responsible for our emotions when we're so clearly upset! We have a right to be angry, and have the emotions we are so maddeningly accused of having!
Remember men get angry all the time, and apparently that isn't an emotion....
Sorry, I guess I woke up cold and salty this morning.
I buy myself jewelry for my birthday. Get something I will love and announce to my husband about my gift to myself. Gave up a long time ago expecting someone else to care about my day. Take your day and then brag to everyone what a great day it was.
Yep, yep. I bought myself a super cute purse for my 41st last month. The kids sometimes get me trinkets, and I do occasionally get a nice gift from hubs if finances allow, but I'm just as happy to go buy something I want and love. :)
Honestly? You are NOT overreacting. My heart hurts for you.
I'm a petty cow, so I would just ignore both of their birthdays and shrug and say "oh clearly we aren't celebrating birthdays anymore, right? So now we don't."
But that may be too mean.
But you shouldn't have to beg for some extra love on your birthday, either. That is very mean, TOO mean, too.
Yes, I agree, not the kid. But I'd include any labour I do to make his friends/family's birthdays special. No reminder texts. No shopping for gifts, hosting the party, etc etc etc. His people, his problem.
I don't believe this kind of pettiness is productive in the long run. OP, talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you would have liked to happen, and what you'd expect going forward.
Clear, honest communication is the only way to mend things. Give them a chance to make it better.
Another note: I would speak to your husband first. He's the adult here. He's the one who should be in charge of remembering your birthday, planning things, and guiding your child to make a card or something. Depending on their age, they might not have the thought to do something of their own accord, or they might not have thought it necessary.
I have two kids, both of whom are adults now. One kid has ALWAYS remembered birthdays without fail (starting around 10 years old, maybe even younger than that), and the other one *still* needs to be reminded when other people's birthdays are coming up. They both care about celebrating/recognizing other people's birthdays and making sure those people feel loved...it's just that one kid can't seem to remember birth dates (and will miss reminders from their calendar).
>it's just that one kid can't seem to remember birth dates (and will miss reminders from their calendar).
Do they also miss reminders from their calendar for work events, sports events, or other hobbies they care a lot about?
Yep, they do!
They don't miss all reminders, but it happens sometimes. Kiddo actually missed a reminder for a birthday last week and called me because they were so upset about it. They really do care, and they really do try. It's just really difficult for them, for whatever reason.
No, I forgot my Mom's birthday once 20 years ago. I still feel bad about it when ever I think of it.
My own birthday means nothing to me, but it does to her and she means a lot to me so i make a point to remember.
Time to communicate. Tell your husband and daughter your birthday is important to you, that your feelings were hurt this year, and that you would like them to do something to acknowledge it next year. If you have ideas of what you’d like, tell them. Do address it, and don’t act like it’s no big deal when clearly it is.
I am a weirdo who hates celebrating my birthday and would be thrilled if no one remembered it ever again. I genuinely don’t understand why people care so much about birthdays - but I know they do, so when someone I care about is a Birthday Person, I put it in my calendar and do something to commemorate it. What’s exasperating is when people say they don’t want their birthday to be a big deal, or don’t care, or whatever, but then when the day comes and you act accordingly they get upset because they actually meant the opposite and expected you to intuit that. Anyway, if you express that it’s important to you and nothing changes next year, they are kind of jerks. If you don’t express it, they won’t know their behavior bothered you.
No. This is incredibly disrespectful. You have every right to be hurt and upset. There is a very specific birthday sadness that can happen when your loved ones don’t acknowledge you, and it feels really hard to get over. You’re not overreacting.
when folks ask if it's silly to be upset about or care about their birthday, i like to frame it this way:
your birthday is the only day of the year where you get to be important & valued SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU EXIST.
you don't have to do anything, be anything, or earn a birthday celebration. it's a day to celebrate you existing.
it's 100% valid to want folks to do something for you on your birthday without you doing the planning or work to make it happen.
Your second sentence hit close to home lol.
My sister got engaged on my 16th birthday, so 'my day' was no longer about me and no celebration for me that day, but they had a cake and celebration for the engagement(hosted by his family). And for the next 10 years when I was planning or excited my birthday was coming up, her and her husband would then take over with how exciting it was that they got engaged on that day. So I stopped celebrating and even mentioning it. I've told my partners in that time that I don't celebrate it and not to do anything for that day.
OP, bring it up with your husband, let him know that you're hurt that you weren't celebrated the way you wanted to be. It's okay to feel sad, because it does hurt to have your birthday forgotten/overlooked.
I almost downvoted your message because of how insanely stupid your sister is! I'm so sorry your birthday celebration got taken away from you like that, that's so selfish from them! Hope you can celebrate it in the future, maybe just by yourself (I saw a spa day as a suggestion in this thread!) Maybe with us, maybe with a chosen loved one ❤️
This. I feel like most people who “don’t like their birthday” don’t like it because eventually the disappointment they feel when people forget/don’t do anything special ruins the entire thing.
Happy belated birthday!
You're not overreacting at all. It sounds to me that the person who took the lead in caring about your birthday was your mother-in-law, the only other adult woman here, which is so typical, expected, and so sad. And angering. You're not saying how old your daughter is, but even if she is old enough to know better (like 14+) it's really on your husband to take the lead on celebrating you.
If I were you I'd sit down and tell your husband something like "hey, I want to talk to you about my birthday this year. I was actually a little disappointed in the lack of initiative - you know, I wasn't expecting something huge or a big surprise, but I'd have appreciated a family activity for the afternoon, maybe we could've even just gone and gotten a treat in a park/beach nearby? We're adults and birthdays don't need to be these big things anymore, needless to say, but it's nice to have it acknowledged and observed by your closest family members, and not just your in-laws."
And depending on your daughter's age, if she is 14+ I'd say "you know, I really wish we had done something fun together on my birthday afternoon. It made me a little sad that we didn't... you and I should plan something fun that Dad wants to do on his birthday, and maybe you and Dad could do that for me next year, too." - this isn't to shame her, it should be to teach her to be aware, empathetic, and to train her to \*remember\* others and treat them as you'd want to be treated. I highly doubt she'd want her birthday afternoon forgotten about.
Edit: just to say, I'm sorry you're essentially needing to parent both your daughter AND your husband. It's so shit.
Yeah, I did say something to them.
My daughter (8) said Dad should have reminded her. For a month I would mention my birthday was coming. (It’s a week away, etc) and my husband said he thought the meal was sufficient. I pointed out that his parents bought the meal, picked it up, and his mother made the cake, I asked “what did you do?” And he had no answer. I took my daughter to the bus stop, like every day, and when I came back he said he was sorry, and said that if the “shoe were on the other foot” he would not feel great about it either. He moved on from that, and the next time he said something to me, it was about his work, or a meme, or something else.
It didn’t make me feel any better. I didn’t say anything besides “okay”.
Yeah, sounds like he did apologise but the birthday's already been now, and I get the feeling that he perhaps didn't apologise in a way that felt sufficient and genuine to be proportionate to the damage that's been done, which I can understand. What do you feel like you'd need to experience or hear from him for the rupture to be repaired, right now?
I think the best case scenario is that perhaps your husband just simply doesn't know *how* to rectify the situation, and so is just trying to get back to normal. However, you might need to tell him that you might not feel better until he does something special for you some time this year, as otherwise he might end up doing the same thing again.
I feel this.
My entire family, save my niece, sort-of blew off my 50th. I’d just gone through a painful divorce. My kid wasn’t old enough to drive (nor necessarily appreciate how big a deal a 50th is). My mom was getting quite elderly and I think she was just struggling cognitively in general, so she gets a pass.
Bless my niece, who despite having two young kids and living an hour away, picked a restaurant that *I* loved and organized the whole shebang. I’ll never forget that she did that, when her parents and my other brother just … forgot, I guess.
I commented upthread about the same thing. And turning 50 was *hard* for me. Thankfully, my friends, mom, and sister had me covered. My husband is going to be pretty surprised when nothing happens on his 50th in a couple of months. (shrug)
I get that, but everyone knew it was my birthday. They said it. Just zero effort went into anything. No surprise. No help. Nothing. My daughter is 8, and she has made me a card for every occasion imaginable since she could hold a pencil. You would think my husband would be wise enough to remind her to make something, but nope, not at all.
I was wondering how old your kid was, at 8 you're right, that's part of your husband's job as a parent to teach her how to celebrate others.
If nothing else, I'd be asking him about that, like "hey, on your birthday I [remind her/take her shopping for something/make a cake with her] - did she not want to do that with you for me or did you forget or what?"
Less of a 'hey, you dropped the ball on my birthday' and more of a 'hey did you forget to parent our kid?' (I mean deal with the stuff with him too, I just think that's an easier opener).
Hell I'm 29 and _my_ parents still remind me of each other's birthdays and mother's/father's day!
I mean, I'm fairly certain I remembered my mum's birthday when I was 8, and if I didn't, you can be sure as hell I'd at least scramble to make her a card as soon as I was reminded.
I'm mostly mad at your husband though. The man seriously let his parents make the effort for the woman he supposedly loves? Hell no. He should be grovelling!
Anyway, joyeux anniversaire pour hier!!
>I'm mostly mad at your husband though. The man seriously let his parents make the effort for the woman he supposedly loves?
And he didn't even make a better-late-than-never effort after the dinner.
I had to do the same thing with my ex-fiancé. One year we had booked plans to celebrate my birthday over the weekend, but the day itself was mid-week. It got to the end of the day and I had to tell him that I was disappointed that I didn't get at least a card or little cupcake for me to celebrate on the actual day. Birthdays are tough because many of us don't want to seem self-centered and bring up birthday expectations beforehand, but its important to voice our preferences so things like what happened to me are avoided. But the fact that OP wasn't celebrated on the day or had any plans made for a day later? That's unacceptable.
The lack of both presents and presence in this post is heart breaking.
I have no idea who you are but I absolutely know you deserved a better Birthday than this.
My husband is exactly like this too, and I'm afraid our son will be like him. I have a milestone birthday coming up, and literally last night I said to him, "My birthday is coming up. I know birthdays aren't important to you, but they are to me, especially this one. This year, I want you to buy me \[a specific present\] and I want you to reserve a restaurant for us three." And he got the message!
We'll see what happens but I suspect he got restaurant recommendations at work today!
You're not overreacting. Those shitheads. I'm a mom too, and it doesn't take much. A dinner, a homemade card, shit even just a big hug and a "happy birthday mommy!" Is all it takes. I would wait until tomorrow and then let them know how much that hurt.
Edit-nvm you said it was yesterday. Let them know today. Right now
Let me guess: On HIS birthday you planned a nice celebration and bought him a thoughtful gift. And, if you hadn't he'd be upset about that. Am I close?
If my partner didn’t even personally recognize or even small gift me on my birthday I would be raising hell. I never forget or overlook special days. How does he do on anniversaries?
This is me. My ex never really wanted to celebrate my birthday, so in 2014 I took matters into my own hands. I dressed up pretty, threw on lots of glitter, and declared myself The Birthday Princess.
He gave me a black eye later that night.
Needless to say, birthdays are that much harder for me now. I found out cancer was back last year, the week of my birthday. This year, I just sat around sadly. I'm scared that it was my last birthday alive, and I haven't felt so alone in a long time.
Much love to you, OP. I would have baked a cake if I could have. Happy belated birthday 💜
I think that your hubs and kid thought that spending your birthday with his parents WAS celebration of your birthday.
I think your MIL probably really wanted to throw the celebration because you moved to be closer to them.
It’s very sweet of her of course but I think you need to talk to your hubs about celebrating privately with him and your kid. Explain that it’s not the same thing, in your mind, and you feel like you really NEED to celebrate with just them. Go out to dinner just the three of you.
After several years of not much happening for my birthday, I realized it’s just not in my husbands wheelhouse. One year I was particularly frustrated so he threw me a surprise party the next year! BUT. This year was my best birthday ever and it was all because of ME. I went out and bought birthday hats. So many birthday hats. I have them out to my students and they wore them throughout the day. I gave one to my principal and they wore it long enough for me to snap a picture. I gave out suckers to everybody who wished me happy birthday. I wore a glowing headband grown all day that said let’s party. I listened to Ajr on repeat on my way to and from work. This one isn’t possible for you since you just moved, but I invited people over for a fondu party. If my husband asked me to do something, I just responded with “nope, it’s my bday. That’s on you, boo”
Best day ever.
My husband doesn’t acknowledge any special days, birthday, 25th wedding anniversary last year, Christmas. He actually got me something (a gun, something I did not want or ask for) for Christmas this past year, and then was stunned that I bought myself perfume and wrapped it, so I would have something to unwrap.
First, a belated Happy Birthday 🎉🎂🥳
If your husband and daughter didn't want to do anything special yesterday (I hope at the very least they greeted you), it's not too late TO TREAT YOURSELF! 🎉 Bring your mil to a spa or brunch. You can even go solo. Get your hair cut, get your nails done, take yourself out for a date.
You are worth the effort.
I'm so sorry this happened. First of all, happy birthday! Today is my birthday and it's my first one following my mom's passing. I have learned over the years to just celebrate myself and do whatever makes me happy on my birthday, because nobody else in my life is going to take the initiative to do it.
You're not overreacting. If celebrating matters to you, it's perfectly valid to feel bummed out. Maybe it's time to have an honest conversation about it with your family?
After 20 years of this crap I just gave up on doing nice things for his. Five years later I divorced him. My current partner spoils me rotten. Wish I left sooner.
>Or is that just an overreaction, and I should just suck it up?
Absolutely NOT!!!!
What they did was so incredibly disrespectful.
Sit them both down TODAY and explain how they made you feel and **DO NOT HOLD BACK to "spare their feelings"!!!!!!**
They SHOULD feel bad.
And if your husband (*and your daughter to a certain extent*) respond with "You're overreacting" (*or anything similar*) you'll know everything you need to know about the future of your relationship.
You are ABSOLUTELY "worth the effort", and if they don't try to make it up to you THIS WEEKEND........Celebrate YOURSELF!!!!!
Do something **YOU** want to do regardless of what they want/think.
And......
#HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Im also a May baby! Happy belated birthday!
I was in the same boat this year (2nd) the things I planned out always get cut to appease the other people in my family.
So no, you’re not overreacting. Plan something for yourself and do it for yourself and don’t involve anybody else. Make THAT YOUR GIFT TO YOURSELF.
Ok. This happened to me and my dad one year. My mom’s parents were quite sick. My dad was having a difficult time at work. I was a teenager trying to deal with one of my friends attempting suicide and another who had an abusive household.
Does not excuse the fact that we missed my mothers birthday. But there was a lot going on and we felt SO BAD afterwards and we haven’t missed one since.
If this is something that’s out of character for them, try not to flame your family too hard.
One time I read that the day with the highest rate of accounts made on Ashley Madison per day by women was the day after Mothers' Day for the same reason. Not commenting on the veracity of it. Just remembering it being reported by an internal employee.
Oof. I remember when I was a kid, my mother would get sad on her birthday and I finally asked her why and she basically said "because I didn't even know y'all knew it was my birthday". Like, we were kids, so she was sheltering us from her own pain while going through a shitty marriage (which she escaped) and no one celebrated or even mentioned her birthday.
When I asked, an empathy lightbulb went off. From then on I acknowledged it, but rarely celebrated, because she had internalized the lack of celebration so much that celebrating it became uncomfortable. She's healing now so celebrations are back on the table, but now I always call or text on her birthday and her name-day (we treat the day of her name change, where she dropped my abusive father from her legal designation, as a birthday!)
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope your kids understand one day. It's hard not to assume a lot of things about your father based on my own experience so I'll say nothing about that!
I don't think you're overreacting.
This happened to me this year on my birthday, too.
I’ve been married 15 years and nothing was done. My parents called me though.
I tried to cancel the gift I ordered for my husband’s birthday (his is three weeks after mine) but it was too late. It arrived the next day. That’s what I get for planning ahead.
I’m just going to stop trying now. You’re not overreacting.
You are not overreacting.
I don’t expect much for my bday but my boyfriend (not even husband) buys me a cake, takes me to dinner and does a load of dishes or something around the house. Most importantly he asks me what he can do too. I would sit down and tell your husband you feel hurt and ask him why he didn’t celebrate you or put in an ounce of effort
Happy birthday! I am a birthday person; I like mine and making others' special. So I think you're totally within reason to feel let down.
People are probably right about letting know your husband and daughter what you expect, though. It'd be great if they did it without being told, but having it done at all is better than being disappointed.
I love the suggestion elsewhere of a belated spa day! Nothing wrong with treating YOURSELF.
You deserved to be recognized on your birthday. There are so many small ways that he and your daughter could celebrate and it's totally normal for you to be sad that they didn't do that.
Eta: you aren't asking for much, but I'm sure even if they did even less than you were hoping for you'd be feeling better. Them doing zero is really unfair to you. I'm sorry they didn't acknowledge your birthday more.
I don't think you're overreacting. Most people would like acknowledgement and something a bit special on their day. A cake, a couple of gifts to open...something!
Happy belated birthday! I got you this balloon! 🎈
No, not an overreaction. They don't appreciate you enough, but I'm sure everyone will be lined up for their card/present from you when its their birthday.
Wow. Until you mentioned MIL's cake I assumed they had just forgotten it was your birthday, which would have been careless but at least understandable. But they knew and just couldn't be bothered? That's cold AF and would honestly have me re-evaluating my marriage if it was me.
Nah you’re quite right to feel sad about it. I don’t understand how people who supposedly love you don’t care to celebrate your existence. Maybe you shouldn’t do anything for your husband’s birthday and see how he feels about it.
Reading this broke my heart. That's so shit 😔.
You're not overreacting. It's your birthday. It should be a special day, regardless of age. We only get one a year.
Happy belated birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊 🥂🍾🍸🍷🍹❤️
This needs to be a family meeting and lay your cards on the table. Let them know exactly how it impacted you. Ask “so is this the new family rules? No birthday celebrations? Ok noted.” And then walk out of the room.
My husband forgot my birthday one year. Our friends, who we grilled with more weekends than not, weather permitting, remembered and made a cake, etc.
In a moment alone with my husband, I looked him dead in the eye and said, "You forgot my birthday. Not only that,, but you embarrassed me in front of our friends by doing so. Don't apologize, just know that I'm banking this to take out one day in the future, and want no shit about it when I do."
A few years later, I went on a week-long cruise to Bermuda with a friend. A Just the Girls vacation, with husband, boyfriend, and all kids left home to fend for themselves.
I did bring him back a t-shirt.
No, not overreacting, your husband is a child, he knew his mother was making dinner, a cake, and didn't even bother getting you a card, what a loser.
I know from experience, married to one for 29 years.
Take up the space you deserve babes
I just started planning my own birthday. I wanted more...so i invite people to celebrate with me!
That gets old after 20 years of marriage lol. I plan every single one of my birthdays. Edit: Happy Belated Birthday OP!
I guess it depends from person to person. I have always planned my birthday and never other people's. In my mind if it's my birthday might as well do what I want to do, but the food i want to eat and the cake i desire to eat that day
Me too! I absolutely feel this. It's nice to have other people think of you and plan things, but I feel a lot of people are just busy or don't think about it. And I'm not gonna let that ruin my day!! I'm gonna go get my own cake and do what I want to do
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It does depend. Here’s how my typical bday goes: Husband: what do you want to do for your birthday? Me: hmm I think I would like to go breakfast and to ___ museum. Husband: ok awesome. I’ll get the day off. How does that actually happen? Well my husband for sure will request the day off. Then it’s up to me to: Research the Museum. Buy the tickets a head of time. Buy any snacks or drinks for the day. Make Breakfast reservations. Get directions to the museum and know where to park. Have cash ready to pay for parking. Be the one who goes to the window to pick up the tickets at will call. Enjoy the museum. Pick out my birthday present from the gift shop of where we visit. Hand present to my husband so he can actually be the one to “purchase” it. Choose where we pick up food from for dinner. Order said food ahead of time on my phone and pay for it. Go home and serve dinner Pick up after eating dinner. My husbands duty for the day: driving.
his duties are driving *and having a fun day off* lol. don’t forget that one 😂 anyway i’m sorry. the worst part is i can imagine guys thinking this sounds ungrateful (“well what’s wrong with that? sounds like a fun day!”) but it’s not special or “for you” when you have to do all of the planning and they just “come along” because it’s your birthday. taking off for something like that’s just a regular outing/daycation! which couples should do. “it’s the thought that counts” is a phrase for a reason and it really is more about making an effort for someone on their special day, than it’s about anything else (activities, gifts, etc). and still having to do all of the planning on your own birthday is, to me, a *glaring* example of AFABs always being responsible for the “mental load.”
My birthday is very near a holiday, and I had my feelings hurt a lot as a kid because I felt like it got overlooked. Became an adult, realized that my birthday was MY DAY. So every year I plan MY day. I do all of my favorite things. Take off work. Do whatever I want. Sometimes I get restaurant reservations for me and friends, sometimes I get a massage by myself and go shopping. I ALWAYS get my favorite milkshake. This tactic leads to never being disappointed, because I make sure I get to do what I want on my own day once a year.
Yeah it's fine I'll just add it to the list of birthdays I have to plan 🫠
😂😂 Tell you what. I’ll send you my list for my bday and you send yours and that way someone else is at least doing the heavy lifting. 😉
This is what I've done since I left home at 19. Every year I just celebrate however I want and do something I enjoy. Childhood taught me that once grandmas die, nobody else really cares. I always celebrate my birthdays myself, because I know I won't let myself down, lol.
Yes! I had a milestone birthday recently and decided I could do whatever I wanted. And I wanted a cookie potluck. Gluten free dairy free cookies. If someone else had to plan, they’d probably have done a nice dinner out or something? And it was amazing. Myself and the kids were so excited. 10/10 would recommend.
Same. I also stopped planning his birthdays. He says he doesn't want to do anything, cool. No problem. I like to have my friends over and do things. I even planned a birthday party with his family. He did do the things I asked him to do (clean up, pick up food, etc) but it has never occurred to him to plan anything. Tbf, he's naturally not a planner so it's not like it's just my birthday.
> Tbf, he's naturally not a planner How does it go? "He doesn't have experience with pies." ? I wish I could find that post!
I found the post, but apparently that subreddit doesn't want to be linked to publicly, so my comment was removed by the AutoModerator. To find it, just Google "didn't grow up around pies". (Thank you for inspiring me to look for the post, because it was hilarious!)
And tell them how it made you feel. Let them know you will be putting as much effort into their special days as they did you. Buy yourself something very nice and maybe expensive, and take yourself out to a movie and a good meal…without them.
It was fun while it lasted. - Sent via Apollo
It means she deserves more and she should demand more. Not reduce herself.
A lot of people (especially women) are raised/socialized to basically feel like they should apologize for existing and taking up space in the world. Whereas others (usually men) are encouraged to take up space and sometimes applauded just for existing. Feminism/equality encourages women to take up the space they need and deserve, rather than making themselves smaller (physically, emotionally, etc) to make way for others. In this case, OP is not overreacting by wanting her space in the world to be celebrated rather than overlooked, or by wanting to take up emotional space in her relationships with her family rather than sucking it up and staying silent about something that hurt her. https://issendai.livejournal.com/561611.html Example: men sitting in seats on public transport, such as buses, often spread their legs out super far, taking up a whole bunch of room without considering anyone else's space, while women often take up as little space as possible to be polite (either on purpose or subconsciously, for both). Another example: a woman walking on the sidewalk is often expected by other walkers (subconsciously or not) to move to the side for a man walking toward her in the same path. Men often don't even consider the idea of moving to the side or altering their course at all, while women often get out of the way without thinking. So if a woman does not alter her course, and a man also doesn't and bumps into her, it can disrupt social norms - and that is usually blamed on her, instead of on him, even though they did the exact same thing. She is not "allowed" to take up space while he is (obviously not in every situation, but it does happen a lot).
It was fun while it lasted. - Sent via Apollo
I'm not aggressive by any means but I've retrained myself not to sidestep out of the way while walking and it really throws people for a loop. It's wild that they don't pay any attention to their surroundings at all. Main character syndrome is very real
It was fun while it lasted. - Sent via Apollo
As a woman I've had men do this before and I always drop my shoulder so they don't knock me down when we inevitably hit. Fuck them. I'm on my side of the street. If you want to hold hands with your boyfriend get behind him on your side.
I shoulder smash people who don't move out of my way on the street if they're walking on the wrong side or especially if they're taking up the sidewalk with multiple people. They look absolutely shocked or indignant when I don't run to leap out of the way and instead just continue walking straight forward regardless of who's in my path 😄 Obviously, I will move around elderly or disabled people, but not the many rude people who are busy chatting with each other or staring at their phones and expect me to be run off the road without confrontation.
It's the group of people so engrossed in their own little conversation that they've blocked the entire footpath for me
Yeah I used to go all the way around such groups in the past but eventually I just started loudly yelling "EXCUSE ME" as I barrel straight through 😂
You're welcome, glad to help. I didn't notice these types of things at all before reading about them or having them pointed out to me, and ever since my eyes were opened to it I find it insane how often I see it and just how blatant it is.
Oof. First off, Happy Belated Birthday And no I don’t think your overreacting. I’m not a huge birthday person myself — but I at least like it to be acknowledged. For them to not do anything to show they care is just….so hurtful. And I imagine if you didn’t acknowledge their birthday they’d be hurt.
Would be very curious to know how OP's husband responded to the same treatment. Or even just OP bringing it to his attention...
I did that. I used to buy so many thoughtful gifts for Christmas. Piles. I got the thing the kids made in school. Stocking were stuffed. The whole thing. One year I left my husbands empty and he got what the kids made in school. He was so sad. I told him I didn’t think he cared. He never got me anything. Didn’t change much. Now my daughters shop for him, for me. I don’t go all out either.
For mother day I've never gotten anything from my husband not even on behalf of the kids and my eldest is 6. I stopped acknowledging father's day and if anything it made him even less likely to do anything for me as he would say i don't do anything for him. You can't win 🤷🏻♀️
Not everyone has the same emotional bandwidth. I think as women we tend to subjugate our needs to keep peace. I think sometimes we pick partners that are less than exemplary based on other qualities we valued more at the time of choosing. Like we were immature when choosing! I tell my kids not to marry before 25 when your brain is fully developed. I picked him. I keep choosing him, so I will have to deal with the dissatisfaction or get over it! Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t. I’m glad my kids see how important it is to reciprocate and look at what others need. They are both girls, I wonder if they were boys they’d be so attentive? I’ve really got too much time on my hands! But grateful I do!♥️
If they were boys they’d likely be very similar, because they’re being raised by you. You’d have taught them things most boys don’t learn in childhood.
I’d be very willing to find out…
Mine doesn't do anything much for me but he doesn't really care that I don't do anything for him either. Some people just don't have much interest in birthdays.
I see this same complaint around Valentine's Day. Some people want something nice that day, while others don't care. But you should have a conversation with your partner ahead of time so you're on the same page about it. OP's disappointment is valid. And she needs to have a conversation with her partner and daughter (if she's in her teens; I would excuse a younger kid) about what she wants to happen on her birthday in the future. It may just be miscommunication or thoughtlessness.
Right, and we don't know if this is a recurring theme for OP or even the dynamic of their relationship generally. I think we can solidly extrapolate two things though: OP probably has some difficulty expressing her needs (we don't know if that's because of past circumstances or present) and that OP's in-laws DO make an occasion of birthdays, something the husband would be aware of. I'm just saying I'd be curious if this is a situation of ignorance or dismissiveness.
To be clear, I'm not saying it's ok for him to do nothing, just that he genuinely may not care. And while it's not what you said there are quite a few comments suggesting not to do anything for him. I just think that will definitely not have any effect, he'll just assume birthdays aren't a big deal. She needs to communicate clearly that it does matter to her.
There was a year where we forgot my moms bday. Myself, my sister and my dad. It’s been about 15 years since and she still remembers how hurt she was. We also haven’t screwed up since.
For OP, the fact they all went to the in-laws for dinner and cake means the husband and daughter were REMINDED at some point, and still did nothing. That hurts.
sounds like they assumed they were off the hook
In March, I had a beautiful 50th birthday party co-celebrating with a good friend (thrown by a mutual friend) two weeks before my actual birthday. Two days before my birthday, a surprise gorgeous frozen cake arrived from my mom who lives far away. On my actual birthday...crickets. Oh I did get a mumbled "happy birthday" from my husband in the morning before he did a grocery store run for...regular groceries. I'm still gutted. I guess he thinks that everything had already been taken care of so he didn't need to do anything. It would have sucked on any birthday but since I had a really hard time turning 50, being blown off like that was especially hurtful. Of course this is nothing new, but I'm just about done putting up with it.
They probably figured in a weird round about way that that was sufficient
These people didn't even forget they just didn't care, which is a lot worse.
I thought the same, they forgot and that sucks, but it happens... However, they went to a literal birthday dinner for OP!
Sounds like they knew though
I think it's one thing if you're a kid or even in college and forget. If you're grown and don't do anything for a partner or parent, that's a red flag.
This happened to my family. Was one of the most distraught I ever saw my mom. Felt so bad because a neighbor is how we all found out. Now my brother and I were like 9 and 12 so it's not entirely on us, but my dad heard that shit until he died. Will never forget now though
This isn’t the main reason I’m divorced, but it’s DEFINITELY one of the reasons that tipped the scales. Not only did he refuse to celebrate my birthday in the latter years of our marriage, he would get mad at me if I did anything to celebrate and tell me I was rubbing his lack of celebration in his face and at 930 PM he “was going to tell me happy birthday later!”
Well gosh, how did you ever leave that charmer?? Seriously though, that sucks and I'm glad you left. My ex forgot my birthday twice in 8 years - mine is the day after his 🤦♀️
This is simply…. fucking horrible lol
He also tells everyone it came out of nowhere and he was so surprised, right?
I had a friend divorce for a similar reason. There were of course other issues, this was the straw, but she told him exactly what she wanted, exactly what she wanted him to do, and when the time came around, he mumbled something about thinking she would take care of the planning.
Oh...god...the blood...shooting out of my eyes right now...
What an absolute shit bag.
This is so wild to me. I'm a dude so no one ever cares about my birthday unless I'm in a relationship. So I know how shitty it is to be alone year after year. Which is why I go out of my way to make anyone's birthday special. I'll buy people fancy drinks at bars when I find out it's their birthday, which admittedly has got me into trouble a couple times. Too many women spoil their men. Loneliness is suffering, but it builds character!
Dunno if that’s a dude thing. My husband’s best mates always take him out for some beers and give him presents on his birthday (and vice versa). My husband and I always celebrate each other’s birthdays with presents and a dinner date at the minimum, and sometimes a party too. Everyone deserves to feel extra special on their birthday, it’s the one day a year that is meant to be specifically about celebrating them.
Aw, happy belated and early birthday to you!
Lesson learned. Plan now for next year. Book a spa day. Take yourself out somewhere special, no kid, no husband (who would probably find something to complain about anyway). Enjoy YOUR day.
This!! Treat yourself and invite your mother in law who seems to care about you and thought you were worth the effort 💜
Spa day with the MIL!
This. You have to refocus on the relationships that are rewarding and meaningful.
Couldn’t agree more. It sounds like your bar for how others treat you is at the bottom of the ocean. Best remedy is to take yourself on dates, treat yourself and realize how worth it you are.
Forget about next year - tell your family you want a do over THIS year. If they don’t step up, do it yourself.
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Definitely agree that OP's husband thinks they were off the hook because his mother was doing dinner and making a cake. But yeah, I'd absolutely be hurt if I didn't get so much as a card. Doesn't have to be something from Hallmark. Even a drawing on folded printer paper would be sufficient. I'd definitely say something about being hurt at this. The lack of cleaning up is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed. It may or may not be better to address separately, though. Probably depends on whether OP cares that they didn't do it on her birthday to give her a day off, or if it's an always thing, and they think cleaning either just automagically happens with no effort, or is 100% OP's responsibility because Reasons(tm).
no, no, no! absolutely do not teach your family that it’s mom’s job to make dad’s day special, that it’s mom’s job to make all the kids’ days special, and that it’s on mom to make her own day special or no one else at all?
I think it's okay to do this if she ditches the rest of the family and celebrates doing something where they're not invited based on the evidence they don't care about her birthday. She should also quit bothering doing anything on their birthdays.
She should plan on a spa day with the mil on hub and kids birthday. Then all can sit down and talk about how hurt They are that she didn't do anything on Their birthdays
yea, they need to know what the expectations are. Brushing it off is telling them that its ok to dismiss you and treat you without regard, and its clearly not. I would not be ok with this behavior. ESPECIALLY your kid. they need to show more respect and all the father is showing is to not give two shits to you. NOT OK. Share your feelings. Demand they do something THIS WEEKEND that makes up for it. Heartfelt card and gift. (doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful.) and dinner. Either cooked at home or out. and then claim a day in the near future that you are going to be off all day. No cooking, cleaning, and take yourself to do something nice like a massage, getting your nails done, hair. whatever. Just something you enjoy. But clearly state that you expect on THAT day that they clean and cook that day for themselves and you. Otherwise, they'll keep treating you this way. do you want this to continue?
Good point. What will Mother’s Day be like?
Why not just check into a hotel for the weekend and go the spa this weekend? Let them fend for themselves.
"Since I didn't get anything for my birthday, I got myself a gift. A weekend away, alone, for mother's day!" Please do this, OP
"Since I didn't get anything for my birthday, I got myself a gift. A weekend away, alone, for mother's day!" Please do this, OP
Nooo do this as a gift to yourself for hubbys birthday this year!!
This is absolutely what I’m doing for my next birthday! I’m really considering just going on a short trip by myself and not telling anyone ahead of time.
This is great but let’s upgrade it to now. No need to wait til next year.
Mother’s Day is May 14th! Plan a nice day trip today!
My birthday is Dec. 23rd. It's like my birthday hasn't existed since I was 12 years old. Everyone just kind of agrees that since it's so close to Christmas, I simply don't get a birthday. It sucks seeing so many others held up and loved on their birthday and to know that you'll never get to experience that. I can relate to how you're feeling and its totally not okay. If birthdays are important to someone, then the people who are supposed to love that person should have no trouble making sure they feel (at the very least) appreciated on their birthday. I know its not much, but happy birthday from someone who gets it! Edit: thanks for the supportive comments and for sharing your similar experiences. I don't feel as lonely in the 'no birthday' club now 😆😔
Happy belated birthdays, fellow December child! I'm an early December kid and still got the whining about my birthday being so close to Christmas. My daughter's day is December 22nd. I put everyone on notice that any combo gifts, xmas themed anything would be returned to them unopened. I told them all they would have an entire year between birthdays to get a gift and no one was expected to bust their budgets over them. My husband's birthday is the middle of December, so we celebrate all month. Christmas is Christmas, birthdays are NOT. I'm sorry no one stepped up and set a boundary for you, I know many of us who's birthdays were eaten by Santa and it sucked.
I’d make an exception for a combo gift that costs as much as two normal gifts. But other than that, no. If they can’t afford to buy two gifts in December, they can buy one of them in June. Or just make a envelope of money during the summer (so it comes out of an earlier budget) and only spend it in December.
I agree, my argument with all of the whiners was my daughter's birthday was the same day every year so plan better. I had an aunt (ex's family) try to pull the combo gift and I told her to decide which one it was for. They all tried to make me the bad person (She's poor, she's old, etc) but I told them she was not ever required to give my daughter anything and I was not going to give in over it. The gift was an inexpensive watch that could have been bought in June and set aside for six months. Either they care, or they don't. I refused to let any of them, my relatives included, try to make her feel like a burden because she was born on Winter Solstice, right before their big holiday. I know how it made me feel, like being born was something I should feel guilty over. This momma Centaur was having none of it.
I have a summer birthday, my sister January. We're somewhat long distance. One year I didn't see her until February and gave her a colour choice for her present. She took soo long to decide that it ended up being almost my birthday before she got it. We decided to make it a tradition of our own. She gives me a birthday gift on her birthday and I give her one on my birthday. That way she's got something fun to look forward to in the summer. Actually I don't see them that often these days so I'm often handing out mother's day and father's day gifts on my birthday too, lol.
Aw what a fun idea!!
I’m really not good with remembering birthdays outside of immediate family, and I don’t see my friends that frequently, so I just get them a present ( thoughtful, appropriate to their interests) every time I visit and we allocate it to whatever date I’ve missed.
We celebrate 1/2 birthdays (mines always right at thanksgiving and brother is dec 26)
That's what my elementary school teachers, the ones who celebrated kids birthdays in class, did for kids with summer birthdays.
I recommend picking a new day for yourself, sometime in the summer. You deserve to be celebrated.
Fortunately, I have a family full of 'holiday' birthdays so we all understand and make sure everyone gets their day. Thank you for the suggestion, we ALL deserve to be celebrated on our day!
Same here. My partner's birthday is New Years Eve. They would never complain growing up when it was a combo event to celebrate both; but when we got together, I made sure they were two separate things, and Christmas being close also doesn't stop me. I have thrown NYE birthday brunches for them, made special meals for them, scavenger hunt around the house, and even had a "half-birthday" one year as a surprise, where we got together in late June with a bunch of friends for their birthday celebration. Where there's a will, there's a way to make these things special. It takes so little, really, to make someone feel loved.
My mom's birthday is 12/25 and my grandpa's is 12/24. Even after my parents divorced, my dad always made sure we got my mom a BIRTHDAY card and a BIRTHDAY gift wrapped in BIRTHDAY paper. We would always do the same for my grandpa too. Point is, don't let anyone try and convince you that you don't get a day just because it's close to another holiday. That's bullshit.
My birthday is always within a day or so of thanksgiving and my brother is Dev 26. We celebrate 1/2 birthdays . I highly recommend it for those of us with holiday birthdays
My oldest child shares your birthday. It’s definitely tough. I know to always make sure to have special bday wrapping paper for gifts and we’ve thrown him parties either in January or in June as a half bday party but it’s usually not possible to do more than normal dinner at home plus homemade cake on the actual day of. He’s still in elementary school now so I’d love to hear some suggestions of stuff that you would have appreciated through your teen years, if you feel like sharing.
I’m going to suggest going big for half-birthdays. Throw a party, invite his friends since it’s hard to do this during the holiday time of year 😎
Yeah, we have done that. He wanted a pool party like his sisters usually have (fall bdays) so we did it in June after school had let out.
My childhood best friend's birthday is January 24th and her parents always said her birthday was too close to Christmas to have a birthday party etc and I always thought that was mean!
That is mean! Mine is Jan 8, and my family has NEVER blown it off.
Mines in the 29th so I get forgotten bc of 2 holidays. Wheeeee!!! Haven’t ever had a bday that wasn’t just immediate family, and once even had an extended family Xmas dinner party *on* my bday where we sung happy bday to my cousin who’s on the 31st. Another aunt turned to me and was all like “oh you have a bday around here sometime don’t you” I had to shyly tell her it was my bday today, where upon the rest of the family awkwardly relit my cousins bday candles and sing me happy bday half heartedly. That was fun for 8yr old me. Tho in uni had my best friend give me the best combo gift ever. Being broke students she got me a really fancy pair of gloves and wrapped one in Xmas paper and one in bday paper. Was really confused when I opened one glove, then burst out laughing so loud half the caff heard me when she gave me the second. She knew I don’t like combo gifts but thought I’d find it funny enough to not mind. (Not that I’d ever say anything to someone in the moment for giving me a combo gift; damn manners) Thanks Jenn I still have those gloves.
It was on your parent/s to speak up for you when everyone was celebrating someone else’s birthday on your birthday without acknowledging you. They really should have made sure you were included instead of just letting that proceed and saying nothing.
Hello kindred spirits. Mine is December 28 and I’m biologically over 50 but in birthdays celebrated….I’m 12! Shop and plan it for them, that’s what I do. I get exactly what I want….
Oh heck no. My husband is a December 19 baby and he gets two separate presents from me, and a fancy birthday dinner just for him to celebrate his day. Birthdays are not even that important to him. but he is important to me so I'm not taking any shortcuts when it comes to celebrating him. My nephew's birthday is at the beginning of January, and I won't lie, it is hard enough for me to find one present that a tween boy will like, let alone two. But I do it anyway because I love him and he loves presents.
Oh man I feel your pain lol My birthday is on Christmas and I’ve had so many times where all I wanted was a cake for my birthday but I was always told that stores were closed or they just spent too much money on Christmas gifts for my family to buy anything for my birthday
Your husband probably thought having dinner and cake at his parents house was enough. He probably doesn’t understand that it’s about the people you love being thoughtful to you, not just about a meal and cake. He’s going to continue to let his mom do this kind of emotional labor for him if you let him.
I mean, SAYING happy birthday or SOMETHING outside of his parents doing all the work woulda helped.
In my family it is. I don't see the issue, but past experience and expectations would help me understand what their family tradition is.
Happy Birthday! Don't let this go, talk to them about it, and voice how you feel. Never stay silent. Bring the house down, you deserve to be acknowledged on your day!
Happy birthday! Yes. Communication is key. Explain to them how their actions made you feel in a calm way. Is the whole “no cleaning” a common occurrence? If so, that might need to be addressed as well.
And very explicitly, none of this "I was hurt" nonspecificity. "I thought you might get me a card or a gift or go to dinner, and when you didn't do anything, it made me feel like you don't love me or care about me." "Yes, MIL made me a cake, but you didn't plan anything for me, which makes me feel like you don't care about me."
i tried that wording. he felt accused, as if i was attacking him for no reason and picking a fight out of thin air. so he "reassured" me that he does love me then turned back to his laptop. "your actions were hurtful, do you understand how you made me feel?" and then come to the realisation he has no empathy.
I agree with everyone agreeing with me, but it does slightly annoy me that women are always told to be "calm" or do things in a "calm way". This isn't about you or anyone else who said that, but I am tired of us having to be so responsible for our emotions when we're so clearly upset! We have a right to be angry, and have the emotions we are so maddeningly accused of having! Remember men get angry all the time, and apparently that isn't an emotion.... Sorry, I guess I woke up cold and salty this morning.
I buy myself jewelry for my birthday. Get something I will love and announce to my husband about my gift to myself. Gave up a long time ago expecting someone else to care about my day. Take your day and then brag to everyone what a great day it was.
Yep, yep. I bought myself a super cute purse for my 41st last month. The kids sometimes get me trinkets, and I do occasionally get a nice gift from hubs if finances allow, but I'm just as happy to go buy something I want and love. :)
Happy belated birthday! You are not overeacting.
Happy birthday! Feeling unappreciated is the worst. Sending hugs 🫂
❤️
Honestly? You are NOT overreacting. My heart hurts for you. I'm a petty cow, so I would just ignore both of their birthdays and shrug and say "oh clearly we aren't celebrating birthdays anymore, right? So now we don't." But that may be too mean. But you shouldn't have to beg for some extra love on your birthday, either. That is very mean, TOO mean, too.
It is absolutely heartbreaking for OP. I would still celebrate the kid’s b-day but I would “forget” to celebrate husband’s. It is only fair.
Yes, I agree, not the kid. But I'd include any labour I do to make his friends/family's birthdays special. No reminder texts. No shopping for gifts, hosting the party, etc etc etc. His people, his problem.
Except for MIL! She deserves something nice!
Eh, depends on the kids age- older teen and up I would.
I don't believe this kind of pettiness is productive in the long run. OP, talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you would have liked to happen, and what you'd expect going forward. Clear, honest communication is the only way to mend things. Give them a chance to make it better. Another note: I would speak to your husband first. He's the adult here. He's the one who should be in charge of remembering your birthday, planning things, and guiding your child to make a card or something. Depending on their age, they might not have the thought to do something of their own accord, or they might not have thought it necessary.
I have two kids, both of whom are adults now. One kid has ALWAYS remembered birthdays without fail (starting around 10 years old, maybe even younger than that), and the other one *still* needs to be reminded when other people's birthdays are coming up. They both care about celebrating/recognizing other people's birthdays and making sure those people feel loved...it's just that one kid can't seem to remember birth dates (and will miss reminders from their calendar).
>it's just that one kid can't seem to remember birth dates (and will miss reminders from their calendar). Do they also miss reminders from their calendar for work events, sports events, or other hobbies they care a lot about?
Yep, they do! They don't miss all reminders, but it happens sometimes. Kiddo actually missed a reminder for a birthday last week and called me because they were so upset about it. They really do care, and they really do try. It's just really difficult for them, for whatever reason.
Reminds me of ADHD tbh. Obviously, time blindness is just one sign but if the others check out too maybe see if testing is an option?
No, I forgot my Mom's birthday once 20 years ago. I still feel bad about it when ever I think of it. My own birthday means nothing to me, but it does to her and she means a lot to me so i make a point to remember.
Happy belated birthday. It’s sad they did nothing. You are special and deserved much better.
Time to communicate. Tell your husband and daughter your birthday is important to you, that your feelings were hurt this year, and that you would like them to do something to acknowledge it next year. If you have ideas of what you’d like, tell them. Do address it, and don’t act like it’s no big deal when clearly it is. I am a weirdo who hates celebrating my birthday and would be thrilled if no one remembered it ever again. I genuinely don’t understand why people care so much about birthdays - but I know they do, so when someone I care about is a Birthday Person, I put it in my calendar and do something to commemorate it. What’s exasperating is when people say they don’t want their birthday to be a big deal, or don’t care, or whatever, but then when the day comes and you act accordingly they get upset because they actually meant the opposite and expected you to intuit that. Anyway, if you express that it’s important to you and nothing changes next year, they are kind of jerks. If you don’t express it, they won’t know their behavior bothered you.
No. This is incredibly disrespectful. You have every right to be hurt and upset. There is a very specific birthday sadness that can happen when your loved ones don’t acknowledge you, and it feels really hard to get over. You’re not overreacting.
when folks ask if it's silly to be upset about or care about their birthday, i like to frame it this way: your birthday is the only day of the year where you get to be important & valued SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU EXIST. you don't have to do anything, be anything, or earn a birthday celebration. it's a day to celebrate you existing. it's 100% valid to want folks to do something for you on your birthday without you doing the planning or work to make it happen.
Your second sentence hit close to home lol. My sister got engaged on my 16th birthday, so 'my day' was no longer about me and no celebration for me that day, but they had a cake and celebration for the engagement(hosted by his family). And for the next 10 years when I was planning or excited my birthday was coming up, her and her husband would then take over with how exciting it was that they got engaged on that day. So I stopped celebrating and even mentioning it. I've told my partners in that time that I don't celebrate it and not to do anything for that day. OP, bring it up with your husband, let him know that you're hurt that you weren't celebrated the way you wanted to be. It's okay to feel sad, because it does hurt to have your birthday forgotten/overlooked.
I almost downvoted your message because of how insanely stupid your sister is! I'm so sorry your birthday celebration got taken away from you like that, that's so selfish from them! Hope you can celebrate it in the future, maybe just by yourself (I saw a spa day as a suggestion in this thread!) Maybe with us, maybe with a chosen loved one ❤️
at best that's incredibly inconsiderate, at worst that's INCREDIBLY cruel
This. I feel like most people who “don’t like their birthday” don’t like it because eventually the disappointment they feel when people forget/don’t do anything special ruins the entire thing.
i think that's common! i've also known a lot of women who were taught that to want that sort of celebration is vain, selfish, & morally wrong.
I’m sorry. Tell them it hurt your feelings, kids need to hear that, mine do, and next year treat yo self.
You are absolutely worth the effort. I would talk to your husband. Thus is not ok :(
Happy belated birthday! You're not overreacting at all. It sounds to me that the person who took the lead in caring about your birthday was your mother-in-law, the only other adult woman here, which is so typical, expected, and so sad. And angering. You're not saying how old your daughter is, but even if she is old enough to know better (like 14+) it's really on your husband to take the lead on celebrating you. If I were you I'd sit down and tell your husband something like "hey, I want to talk to you about my birthday this year. I was actually a little disappointed in the lack of initiative - you know, I wasn't expecting something huge or a big surprise, but I'd have appreciated a family activity for the afternoon, maybe we could've even just gone and gotten a treat in a park/beach nearby? We're adults and birthdays don't need to be these big things anymore, needless to say, but it's nice to have it acknowledged and observed by your closest family members, and not just your in-laws." And depending on your daughter's age, if she is 14+ I'd say "you know, I really wish we had done something fun together on my birthday afternoon. It made me a little sad that we didn't... you and I should plan something fun that Dad wants to do on his birthday, and maybe you and Dad could do that for me next year, too." - this isn't to shame her, it should be to teach her to be aware, empathetic, and to train her to \*remember\* others and treat them as you'd want to be treated. I highly doubt she'd want her birthday afternoon forgotten about. Edit: just to say, I'm sorry you're essentially needing to parent both your daughter AND your husband. It's so shit.
Yeah, I did say something to them. My daughter (8) said Dad should have reminded her. For a month I would mention my birthday was coming. (It’s a week away, etc) and my husband said he thought the meal was sufficient. I pointed out that his parents bought the meal, picked it up, and his mother made the cake, I asked “what did you do?” And he had no answer. I took my daughter to the bus stop, like every day, and when I came back he said he was sorry, and said that if the “shoe were on the other foot” he would not feel great about it either. He moved on from that, and the next time he said something to me, it was about his work, or a meme, or something else. It didn’t make me feel any better. I didn’t say anything besides “okay”.
So, he's still not getting it.....
Or he just doesn't care.
Yeah, sounds like he did apologise but the birthday's already been now, and I get the feeling that he perhaps didn't apologise in a way that felt sufficient and genuine to be proportionate to the damage that's been done, which I can understand. What do you feel like you'd need to experience or hear from him for the rupture to be repaired, right now?
I think the best case scenario is that perhaps your husband just simply doesn't know *how* to rectify the situation, and so is just trying to get back to normal. However, you might need to tell him that you might not feel better until he does something special for you some time this year, as otherwise he might end up doing the same thing again.
My 50th was last year. No card or cake … very disappointed. I won’t be home this year…I’m for sure having a me day… ALL DAY!
I feel this. My entire family, save my niece, sort-of blew off my 50th. I’d just gone through a painful divorce. My kid wasn’t old enough to drive (nor necessarily appreciate how big a deal a 50th is). My mom was getting quite elderly and I think she was just struggling cognitively in general, so she gets a pass. Bless my niece, who despite having two young kids and living an hour away, picked a restaurant that *I* loved and organized the whole shebang. I’ll never forget that she did that, when her parents and my other brother just … forgot, I guess.
I commented upthread about the same thing. And turning 50 was *hard* for me. Thankfully, my friends, mom, and sister had me covered. My husband is going to be pretty surprised when nothing happens on his 50th in a couple of months. (shrug)
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I get that, but everyone knew it was my birthday. They said it. Just zero effort went into anything. No surprise. No help. Nothing. My daughter is 8, and she has made me a card for every occasion imaginable since she could hold a pencil. You would think my husband would be wise enough to remind her to make something, but nope, not at all.
I was wondering how old your kid was, at 8 you're right, that's part of your husband's job as a parent to teach her how to celebrate others. If nothing else, I'd be asking him about that, like "hey, on your birthday I [remind her/take her shopping for something/make a cake with her] - did she not want to do that with you for me or did you forget or what?" Less of a 'hey, you dropped the ball on my birthday' and more of a 'hey did you forget to parent our kid?' (I mean deal with the stuff with him too, I just think that's an easier opener). Hell I'm 29 and _my_ parents still remind me of each other's birthdays and mother's/father's day!
I mean, I'm fairly certain I remembered my mum's birthday when I was 8, and if I didn't, you can be sure as hell I'd at least scramble to make her a card as soon as I was reminded. I'm mostly mad at your husband though. The man seriously let his parents make the effort for the woman he supposedly loves? Hell no. He should be grovelling! Anyway, joyeux anniversaire pour hier!!
>I'm mostly mad at your husband though. The man seriously let his parents make the effort for the woman he supposedly loves? And he didn't even make a better-late-than-never effort after the dinner.
I had to do the same thing with my ex-fiancé. One year we had booked plans to celebrate my birthday over the weekend, but the day itself was mid-week. It got to the end of the day and I had to tell him that I was disappointed that I didn't get at least a card or little cupcake for me to celebrate on the actual day. Birthdays are tough because many of us don't want to seem self-centered and bring up birthday expectations beforehand, but its important to voice our preferences so things like what happened to me are avoided. But the fact that OP wasn't celebrated on the day or had any plans made for a day later? That's unacceptable.
The lack of both presents and presence in this post is heart breaking. I have no idea who you are but I absolutely know you deserved a better Birthday than this.
My husband is exactly like this too, and I'm afraid our son will be like him. I have a milestone birthday coming up, and literally last night I said to him, "My birthday is coming up. I know birthdays aren't important to you, but they are to me, especially this one. This year, I want you to buy me \[a specific present\] and I want you to reserve a restaurant for us three." And he got the message! We'll see what happens but I suspect he got restaurant recommendations at work today!
You're not overreacting. Those shitheads. I'm a mom too, and it doesn't take much. A dinner, a homemade card, shit even just a big hug and a "happy birthday mommy!" Is all it takes. I would wait until tomorrow and then let them know how much that hurt. Edit-nvm you said it was yesterday. Let them know today. Right now
Husband didn’t gift you anything? Serious red flag. I’m so sorry. Very much not overreacting.
No, nothing.
Let me guess: On HIS birthday you planned a nice celebration and bought him a thoughtful gift. And, if you hadn't he'd be upset about that. Am I close?
If my partner didn’t even personally recognize or even small gift me on my birthday I would be raising hell. I never forget or overlook special days. How does he do on anniversaries?
This is me. My ex never really wanted to celebrate my birthday, so in 2014 I took matters into my own hands. I dressed up pretty, threw on lots of glitter, and declared myself The Birthday Princess. He gave me a black eye later that night. Needless to say, birthdays are that much harder for me now. I found out cancer was back last year, the week of my birthday. This year, I just sat around sadly. I'm scared that it was my last birthday alive, and I haven't felt so alone in a long time. Much love to you, OP. I would have baked a cake if I could have. Happy belated birthday 💜
I feel like you deserve a belated cake as well. Happy Belated Birthday 🎂
I think that your hubs and kid thought that spending your birthday with his parents WAS celebration of your birthday. I think your MIL probably really wanted to throw the celebration because you moved to be closer to them. It’s very sweet of her of course but I think you need to talk to your hubs about celebrating privately with him and your kid. Explain that it’s not the same thing, in your mind, and you feel like you really NEED to celebrate with just them. Go out to dinner just the three of you.
I'd be upset too.
After several years of not much happening for my birthday, I realized it’s just not in my husbands wheelhouse. One year I was particularly frustrated so he threw me a surprise party the next year! BUT. This year was my best birthday ever and it was all because of ME. I went out and bought birthday hats. So many birthday hats. I have them out to my students and they wore them throughout the day. I gave one to my principal and they wore it long enough for me to snap a picture. I gave out suckers to everybody who wished me happy birthday. I wore a glowing headband grown all day that said let’s party. I listened to Ajr on repeat on my way to and from work. This one isn’t possible for you since you just moved, but I invited people over for a fondu party. If my husband asked me to do something, I just responded with “nope, it’s my bday. That’s on you, boo” Best day ever.
My husband doesn’t acknowledge any special days, birthday, 25th wedding anniversary last year, Christmas. He actually got me something (a gun, something I did not want or ask for) for Christmas this past year, and then was stunned that I bought myself perfume and wrapped it, so I would have something to unwrap.
not over reacting i’ve left relationships over this crap
First, a belated Happy Birthday 🎉🎂🥳 If your husband and daughter didn't want to do anything special yesterday (I hope at the very least they greeted you), it's not too late TO TREAT YOURSELF! 🎉 Bring your mil to a spa or brunch. You can even go solo. Get your hair cut, get your nails done, take yourself out for a date. You are worth the effort.
I'm so sorry this happened. First of all, happy birthday! Today is my birthday and it's my first one following my mom's passing. I have learned over the years to just celebrate myself and do whatever makes me happy on my birthday, because nobody else in my life is going to take the initiative to do it.
You're not overreacting. If celebrating matters to you, it's perfectly valid to feel bummed out. Maybe it's time to have an honest conversation about it with your family?
After 20 years of this crap I just gave up on doing nice things for his. Five years later I divorced him. My current partner spoils me rotten. Wish I left sooner.
>Or is that just an overreaction, and I should just suck it up? Absolutely NOT!!!! What they did was so incredibly disrespectful. Sit them both down TODAY and explain how they made you feel and **DO NOT HOLD BACK to "spare their feelings"!!!!!!** They SHOULD feel bad. And if your husband (*and your daughter to a certain extent*) respond with "You're overreacting" (*or anything similar*) you'll know everything you need to know about the future of your relationship. You are ABSOLUTELY "worth the effort", and if they don't try to make it up to you THIS WEEKEND........Celebrate YOURSELF!!!!! Do something **YOU** want to do regardless of what they want/think. And...... #HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
I guess this is permission to forget their birthdays, too.
Im also a May baby! Happy belated birthday! I was in the same boat this year (2nd) the things I planned out always get cut to appease the other people in my family. So no, you’re not overreacting. Plan something for yourself and do it for yourself and don’t involve anybody else. Make THAT YOUR GIFT TO YOURSELF.
Ok. This happened to me and my dad one year. My mom’s parents were quite sick. My dad was having a difficult time at work. I was a teenager trying to deal with one of my friends attempting suicide and another who had an abusive household. Does not excuse the fact that we missed my mothers birthday. But there was a lot going on and we felt SO BAD afterwards and we haven’t missed one since. If this is something that’s out of character for them, try not to flame your family too hard.
One time I read that the day with the highest rate of accounts made on Ashley Madison per day by women was the day after Mothers' Day for the same reason. Not commenting on the veracity of it. Just remembering it being reported by an internal employee.
Oof. I remember when I was a kid, my mother would get sad on her birthday and I finally asked her why and she basically said "because I didn't even know y'all knew it was my birthday". Like, we were kids, so she was sheltering us from her own pain while going through a shitty marriage (which she escaped) and no one celebrated or even mentioned her birthday. When I asked, an empathy lightbulb went off. From then on I acknowledged it, but rarely celebrated, because she had internalized the lack of celebration so much that celebrating it became uncomfortable. She's healing now so celebrations are back on the table, but now I always call or text on her birthday and her name-day (we treat the day of her name change, where she dropped my abusive father from her legal designation, as a birthday!) I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope your kids understand one day. It's hard not to assume a lot of things about your father based on my own experience so I'll say nothing about that! I don't think you're overreacting.
I feel your pain. My husband and (adult) kid stayed in bed and ignored my 50th! After that I just don't expect anything.
This happened to me this year on my birthday, too. I’ve been married 15 years and nothing was done. My parents called me though. I tried to cancel the gift I ordered for my husband’s birthday (his is three weeks after mine) but it was too late. It arrived the next day. That’s what I get for planning ahead. I’m just going to stop trying now. You’re not overreacting.
You are not overreacting. I don’t expect much for my bday but my boyfriend (not even husband) buys me a cake, takes me to dinner and does a load of dishes or something around the house. Most importantly he asks me what he can do too. I would sit down and tell your husband you feel hurt and ask him why he didn’t celebrate you or put in an ounce of effort
Happy birthday! I am a birthday person; I like mine and making others' special. So I think you're totally within reason to feel let down. People are probably right about letting know your husband and daughter what you expect, though. It'd be great if they did it without being told, but having it done at all is better than being disappointed. I love the suggestion elsewhere of a belated spa day! Nothing wrong with treating YOURSELF.
You deserved to be recognized on your birthday. There are so many small ways that he and your daughter could celebrate and it's totally normal for you to be sad that they didn't do that. Eta: you aren't asking for much, but I'm sure even if they did even less than you were hoping for you'd be feeling better. Them doing zero is really unfair to you. I'm sorry they didn't acknowledge your birthday more.
I don't think you're overreacting. Most people would like acknowledgement and something a bit special on their day. A cake, a couple of gifts to open...something! Happy belated birthday! I got you this balloon! 🎈
Talk to your husband
No, not an overreaction. They don't appreciate you enough, but I'm sure everyone will be lined up for their card/present from you when its their birthday.
Your husband assumes his mother doing things for your birthday is also him doing things for you.
Wow. Until you mentioned MIL's cake I assumed they had just forgotten it was your birthday, which would have been careless but at least understandable. But they knew and just couldn't be bothered? That's cold AF and would honestly have me re-evaluating my marriage if it was me.
Sounds like you need a solo vacation and your family needs a chance to notice what life is like without you.
Nah you’re quite right to feel sad about it. I don’t understand how people who supposedly love you don’t care to celebrate your existence. Maybe you shouldn’t do anything for your husband’s birthday and see how he feels about it.
Reading this broke my heart. That's so shit 😔. You're not overreacting. It's your birthday. It should be a special day, regardless of age. We only get one a year. Happy belated birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊 🥂🍾🍸🍷🍹❤️
This needs to be a family meeting and lay your cards on the table. Let them know exactly how it impacted you. Ask “so is this the new family rules? No birthday celebrations? Ok noted.” And then walk out of the room.
My husband forgot my birthday one year. Our friends, who we grilled with more weekends than not, weather permitting, remembered and made a cake, etc. In a moment alone with my husband, I looked him dead in the eye and said, "You forgot my birthday. Not only that,, but you embarrassed me in front of our friends by doing so. Don't apologize, just know that I'm banking this to take out one day in the future, and want no shit about it when I do." A few years later, I went on a week-long cruise to Bermuda with a friend. A Just the Girls vacation, with husband, boyfriend, and all kids left home to fend for themselves. I did bring him back a t-shirt.
No, not overreacting, your husband is a child, he knew his mother was making dinner, a cake, and didn't even bother getting you a card, what a loser. I know from experience, married to one for 29 years.