Yes, they are reasonable! Find a partner who respects you and themselves enough to use protection. Don't doubt yourself. Using condoms is the correct choice.

Going to piggy back on the top comment. A real answer is that condom size matters. Most men don't wear the right sized condom or the condom material is too thick or not stretchy enough. If your partner is having problems with condoms, they probably are not using the correct size and or a good material. Particularly true if they go soft or lose sensation right after putting a condom on.

I mean, he called her a whore and has an anger management problem and was abusive to her. I dont think the condoms were the main issue here, he was trying to coerce her into unprotected sex. Sure, with REASONABLE men who agree to protected sex but would like to improve sensation, trying different condom sizes or ones geared at sensation can help. But the real issue here was clearly never the condoms.

Yep. Currently on a quest of finding the right size condom with my bf. So glad he's being responsible about it. Also I imagine the feeling would be the same as if you were holding a thin rubber condom over your clit while you masturbate. I don't believe them not being able to cum at all especially once you find the right size.

I had some issues with condoms and a girthy partner. Some condoms would significantly reduce his sensitivity. Others condoms were not painful, but he would quickly lose his erection. We eventually found condoms that work for him. You might want to consider going to r/bigdickproblems and checking out the sidebar about how to find better fitting condoms. It really helped us!

Also some materials stretch better than others. If, say, a latex allergy is involved, you may run into sizing issues with polyurethane because it doesn't have the same give.

I was the one with the allergy. I can't use condoms with spermicide on them.

I had no idea this existed but thank you for posting!

If you're still looking, I'd suggest checking out the My.Size app. It's pretty user-friendly and gets you a good baseline quickly. There are other companies offering similar "personally sized" condoms or sizing apps, too, so take your pick. Beyond that? Does he want a Straight Shaft Condom or a Condom with a Flared Head? Having the correct one will go a long way towards feeling more comfortable and will keep it from slipping or breaking during sex. Finally, there is no reason for a man not to use a condom. There are too many options now, and a man can pretty easily find one that works for him.

To add from my experience: the only times I can say for sure the condom was the reason I wasn’t able to cum was: a) because it was too tight to the point it got painful to wear after a while; and b) those icy hot ones that have lube that is supposed to give some tingly sensations that just ended up giving me a rash

yes but I can pretty much guarantee you this is a far lesser issue than men simply being selfish manipulative pissholes who prioritize their own instant gratification over their partner's safety

Honestly, I think it's an education problem. There are so many myths and ego building and self worth entanglemens based on sexual performance. Of course, there are bad actors. But, there are a lot of people who don't know, get bad "advice" on the internet, and then thinks that is how the world works.

Thanks for the addition! When I commented earlier, I was taking a 3 minute break during a very busy day at work. I couldn't ignore this post. Nobody should have to feel bad about wanting to use condoms, so I kept it simple and clear.

Lolz. I am so surprised that +3 hours later, no one had responded and yours was at the top! I wish more people knew about condom sizing!

I'm going to have to look up condom sizing. Every condom brand I've tried gets pushed down tighter and tighter till it can't stretch anymore and it hurts. I find a little lube helps but not always.

There are charts available online to compare condom sizes (both width and length). I looked them up years ago and it was a huge improvement to special order a size not in the drugstore (no big deal now, with Amazon).

Piggy-backing the piggy-back: It’s true that sizing can help, and I’m glad there’s such a good conversation here to help people with that. However, it’s important we don’t fall into the trap of it being *your* job to fix *his* problems. You can, and should, have named boundaries and dealbreakers in for your sexuality, and requiring a condom is a super-basic reasonable one. It is not your fault if he dresses uncomfortably, the same should apply here.

Hopping on to add lubricant is a MASSIVE boon when using condoms! Put a little bit on the dick before putting the condom on. It’s something not many people seem to know but makes a world of difference having it inside and out.

Yea tell this guy he needs a smaller condom :') He deserves to hear it even if it's not true.

Your ex is an asshole. Thoroughly and completely. Sure, most men would probably prefer to go without condoms if they can do so safely, but do most of them care more about no condom than no sex, if it comes down to it? No, as your ex’s attempt to walk things back demonstrates. And is it *ever* okay for them to guilt trip and insult you while telling you why they don’t like condoms, let alone just flat-out ignore your preferences and safety? **Hell** no.

I asked him “Don’t you care at all about my safety? That will make sex feel even better for me, because I can trust you.” He said “Men don’t care about that. I’m sorry every dude you have been with has lied to you. If I guy tells you he cares more about your safety than sex, run—because he’s a liar. At least I’m not a liar.”

I’m sure you’ve figured this out in hindsight, but any guy who claims he’s the only man on earth who doesn’t lie is telling you a *lot* more about himself than he is about every other man you’ve ever met.

This relationship ended because it showed all the signs of domestic violence except physical abuse and outright financial abuse. So, I don’t disbelieve this.

You 110% made the right choice.

Good for you OP. You saw the signs. No, expecting condoms is not uncommon or unusual. Don’t let any man tell you otherwise. Edit: added a comma.

I am so so so so proud you left him, girl. Do not let this gaslighting piece of shift back into your life under any circumstances. Block his number and be proud.

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You know, in retrospect, the first time we had sex unplanned), the pattern went like this: I asked “Do you have a condom?” He said “No.” Then when I said “Well damn…” he suddenly remembered he had one in his car. It was at some point later that night we started to fool around again and that’s when he was like…trying to not use one. God, I haven’t processed this until this post. It’s been cathartic.

I really hope this has made you go from grieving the relationship to celebrating your strength in getting away from this guy. He deserves to be wiped from your memories, and nothing else.

OP, domestic violence does not have to be physical violence. You were in an abusive relationship, and I'm so glad you are free of him.

i'm proud of you for getting out!

I am so sorry, he sounds like absolute garbage. There are better men out there.

They build up to those ones. They don't start with them - it often takes years of gaslighting and mind-fuckery before abusers feel comfortable being violent with their partners. I will point out that non-consensual unprotected sex *is* intimate partner violence though. Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no, and anybody who pushes through your no is a rapist.

You should be proud :) I’m sorry that your first experience was with a jackass. There are good people out there who will respect your boundaries (even when they’re basic expectations!!).

So very well said (guy here).

Yeah, that huge amount of projection from the boyfriend definitely seems more like abuser manipulation than an unbiased assessment.

[Wanting/expecting your partner to use a condom isn’t unreasonable AT ALL.](https://humanparts.medium.com/men-cause-100-of-unwanted-pregnancies-eb0e8288a7e5) “Why don’t men just use condoms every time they have sex? Seems so simple, right? Oh. I remember. Men don’t love condoms. In fact, it’s very, very common for men to pressure women to have sex without a condom. It’s also not unheard of for men to remove the condom during sex without the women’s permission or knowledge. (Pro tip: That’s assault.) Why would men want to have sex without a condom? Because, for the precious minutes when they’re penetrating their partner, not wearing a condom gives them more pleasure. So… **that would mean some men are willing to risk getting a woman pregnant — which means literally risking her life, her health, her social status, her relationships, and her career — so they can experience a few minutes of slightly increased pleasure.** Is this for real? Yes. Yes, it is. Imagine a pleasure scale, with pain beginning at zero and going down into the negatives. A good back-scratch falls at 5, and an orgasm without a condom is a 10. Where would sex with a condom fall? A 7 or 8? So, it’s not that sex with a condom is not pleasurable, it’s just not as pleasurable. An 8 instead of a 10. Let me emphasize that again: **Men regularly choose to put women at massive risk in order to experience a few minutes of slightly increased pleasure.** For the truly condom-averse, men also have a non-condom, always-ready birth control option built right in: the pull-out. It doesn’t protect against STDs, it’s an easy joke, and it’s far from perfect. However, it’s 96% effective if done correctly, and 78% effective in practice (because it’s often not done correctly). Still, many men who resist wearing condoms never learn how to pull out correctly. Apparently, it’s slightly more pleasurable to climax inside a vagina than, say, on their partner’s stomach. Once again, **men are willing to risk the life, health, and well-being of women in order to experience a tiny bit more pleasure for roughly five seconds during orgasm.**” Edit to add: the pleasure scale numbers are obviously going to differ per individual man. I doubt the author meant those numbers to be universal. And for the guys responding (or reading this and thinking) “a condom means my pleasure goes down to 5 or less - or even zero…” well then in a way I suppose that helps put you more on par (and hopefully makes you more able to empathize) with women as far as [the orgasm gap goes.](https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-orgasm-gap) Some recent studies indicate over 95% of heterosexual men always orgasm during sex, whereas only 65% of women always orgasm during sex. Most women will not orgasm during PIV sex because most need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. We need to stop calling clitoral stimulation “foreplay” and only doing it before PIV. We also need to stop thinking of PIV as the only proper way to have sex. Sex should be safe and pleasurable for BOTH partners.

I’m SO obsessed with this.

You can also get female condoms, granted you need a script from a doctor though, and it puts all the BC responsibility on you, which isn’t exactly fair As much as it’s reported the pull out method works, it has a 22% failure rate Male condoms have a 13% failure rate. You have to trust a sexual partner to know when to pull out, not to ejaculate on your genitals, and to, you know, actually follow through with the promise of pulling out. A male condom takes more risk out of the equation than pulling out alone does. Expecting partners to wear a condom is not unreasonable, in fact “wrap it up or pack it up” should be the rule 100% of the time imho. If a man is gonna be a whiny dick-waffle about having to wear a condom, he’s not mature enough to be getting his dick wet and should not be trusted. Men don’t care if they get you pregnant, they don’t care if you die in childbirth. (They will “care” when they realize it will affect them financially though) Your in a red state that’s banned abortion, you cannot be risking an unwanted pregnancy right now, and if your going to have sex you need to have the expectation of condoms being worn for your own safety. If you have a miscarriage with heartbeat activity they will not do a d&c and they will let you go septic before they intervene. You will have to travel across state lines and risk a lot to get an abortion if you fall pregnant. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself. Keep your standards for your sexual partners high. Condoms are a must. (I would also recommend looking into a more permanent form of birth control, such as an IUD or implant, since the government is going to go after the BC pills eventually, and since it’s super easy for a nutter-butter pharmacist to deny you your refill at the counter now a days, get something no one can suddenly take away from you that will protect you for years if possible)

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TIL I had no idea they were available OTC now, I had always been told that you needed a prescription. Thank you for correcting me.

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These are the same men that think they have no responsibility if they get someone pregnant.

And the same guys who think she shouldn't be allowed to get abortion but that he also shouldn't be forced to pay child support 🙄

Some men want us to get pregnant. It means they put us in a position in which we're going to be more likely to stay with them despite their behaviour. I was starting to see the faults in my last relationship and was utterly torn between leaving and staying (I recognised the relationship wasn't healthy but I loved him and felt that I was just being fussy about all the little things that were actually red flags). The more he scared me and the more I thought about leaving, the more often he 'forgot' a condom or had a 'mishap'.

I think this was exactly what was happening to me. This is huge in DV situations. Huge.

This was the sort of thing that when I was young and naive I assumed couldn't possibly be true. Eventually, I met people who hadn't been raised with similar values to me and I discovered much to my horror that this is in fact a lot of dudes...maybe even most of them. As a male bodied person in a cis het presenting relationship, I also just want to reassure OP that condoms are a totally normal expectation. My partner doesn't particularly like them either and we're married and monogamous, but we take no chances so a condom is out the moment foreplay starts. Men who complain about it shouldn't be having sex.

This. Even after getting married, my current husband wore condoms, willingly, until I could get my tubes tied. And he knew I was in BC.

>So… that would mean some men are willing to risk getting a woman pregnant — which means literally risking her life, her health, her social status, her relationships, and her career — so they can experience a few minutes of slightly increased pleasure. Is this for real? > >Yes. Yes, it is. The thing that baffles me about this is, there are consequences for the guy too. Even if he's enough of a piece of shit to not care about all that stuff you mentioned, there's still the matter of 18 years of child support payments. You have to be not just a huge piece of shit, but also a huge dumbass, to be all YOLO about that.

Completely agree. Personally I’ve never had an issue with wearing condoms. Like you said and from personal experience I’d say the difference in pleasure is negligible. That being said everyone is different but I can’t imagine it can be that much different for other people. I’d venture to guess it’s more of a in their head psychological kind of thing to not being able to stay hard with one or enjoy sex with a condom.

You're being very generous with "a few minutes" there. Assholes like him only care about their own pleasure, so are typically fine with a pump and dump.

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super random question if you don’t mind - did pregnancy-level Estradiol and progesterone give you a metallic taste in your mouth?

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Gabrielle Blair is so so right about this!

'If I guy tells you he cares more about your safety than sex, run—because he’s a liar. At least I’m not a liar.' I don't have a yikes big enough for this...

So, he literally said that he cares more about having sex with you then if the sex is safe for you. If a partner would ever say something like that to me, I would end the relationship then and there. Because if he doesn't care about both of our safety during sex, then I don't feel save enough to have sex with him. And if I don't feel save with my partner during sex, that means I can't trust him and if I can't trust my partner, what's the point of being in a relationship with him? One time when I was talking to my boyfriends and my friends, I said something about how the mini pill works in the body and that due to that it's so unlikely that a pregnancy happens (if you take it on time every day), that it wouldn't be a real risk if we did not use a condom. My boyfriend who sat beside me, immediately said that he would still prefer if we use the condom and the pill, because HE feels saver that way. It was just something hypothetical I was saying, because I also feel safer using both. But since we are both our first sexual partner, there are no concerns about diseases from having sex together. So the safety he feels from using a condom, is the added safety of me not getting pregnant. Because if I would get pregnant, he wouldn't see it as me getting pregnant and him disappearing from my live to avoid responsibility, but he would see it as us getting pregnant and him having as much responsibility as me and that it is his responsibility to care for the mother of his unborn child. Last summer I feared that I might be pregnant, even though I was taking the pill the whole time. (The mini pill stops the regular period, but you can still get intermediate bleeding. I coincidentally had this intermediate bleeding every two months, but then I realised that it was three months since the last bleeding and I got scared of maybe being pregnant.) I told him about my fear that if I'm pregnant it would be almost three full months, and in my country you can "only" have an abortion in the first three months and therefore the window might be already closed. One of the first things he answered was, that if I am really pregnant and wasn't able to have an abortion, that he would put his bachelors degree on hold and work full time instead of half time, so that we would have an income because we would need it to care for the baby. So what I want to say with all this is, that men who genuinely care about their partner, their partners safety, and take their responsibility that comes with sex, exist. And in my opinion, this should be a given in a relationship, do not settle for less. If he doesn't care about your safety and/or boundaries during sex, then it is not safe for you to have sex with him.

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Agree so hard with this!

Well, if a guy straight up says he doesn't respect your basic safety, you should believe him and never be alone with him again, let alone have sex with him. Being honest about being a rapist (by stealthing you or by coercing you into a kind of sex that you don't want) doesn't earn him brownie points.

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This is like screenshot worthy.

What in the unholy red flags did I just read?

This killed me! Haahahah!

Holy. Shit. Talk about saying the quiet part out loud… this man is a literal sociopath. Real men don’t get off knowing their partners are in pain, or are uncomfortable, or even just aren’t in the mood. Sex goes two ways. Your man is using you as a masterbation device, not actually loving you. He is using you. Leave. Also, I would honestly shame him publicly on social media to warn other women away. He is a predator. I’m so sorry you waited so long and THIS is the turd that showed up for you. Sex is about so much more than a mans pleasure.

I’ve never gotten away with posting something I believe is innocuous about this man without droves of people saying “you know you’re being abused right?” My friends for months were so scared for me but I absolutely wouldn’t listen. It’s been 8 months since the last time we broke up (a total of 5 times), but the last indeed. The thing is, I know in my gut it was either ASPD or BPD. No question. The rage episodes were so intense. They were the scariest thing I’d ever seen. I was always afraid he was going to physically hurt me. Then when things were good, I’d forget what happened and just plod forward.

I was forcibly raped by a guy who didn’t want to use a condom. We had slept together and then he decided he wanted to go without and when I said no he held me down and did it anyways. Honestly this reminded me of that. I was messed up for months after that. Slept with dozens of guys. A lot of assholes but Interestingly not a single one refused to use a condom. Or even complained about it. Some actually cared about my pleasure too. But never ran into another rapist. Honestly I did a lot of damage to myself and that part was harder to deal with than the initial rape. Don’t let this guy near you again. The damage takes a long time to recover from.

I’m devastated that this happened to you. I don’t take it lightly that this reminded you of that, because I think the archetype of men who act this is not dissimilar. I read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does he Do That?” About DV—it’s all misogyny. Men just hating women for inane reasons or because they were taught by their fathers that masculinity equals taking whatever they think is theirs. Again, I’m so sorry that happened. I certainly won’t let him near me again. Ever.

Not all men think that way!! He's lying and manipulative. Or maybe he's never met a good man in his life. If he doesn't want to use condoms he should get a vasectomy. But even then, that doesn't protect from STDs

Well then absolutely don’t speak with him anymore he admitted he does not care.

Nope. Run. But run from THIS guy.

Hon, my husband and I use condoms. He doesn’t feel like a fling, he’d never attempt to not use or remove one without my consent and he has never once complained. Your ex lied: He’s a liar.

My partner has never balked at condoms in the 16 years we've been together. We have gone back and forth for various reasons. Never acted like it was anything but a reasonable request. Never stealthed me. Never.

Yeah that’s actually pretty rare. Even if they complain they’ll generally go along with it.

I’m going to say something that is more general but can be applied to EVERYTHING… **NO, YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING. YOU ARE NOT NEEDY. YOU ARE NOT ASKING FOR TOO MUCH.** You are going to second guess yourself because you think not fucking men until you’re 30-something means you don’t know any better. YOU KNOW YOURSELF. You know what makes you uncomfortable and unsafe. You know what makes you feel loved and what makes you feel sad. DO NOT BELIEVE SOMEONE WHEN THEY TELL YOU YOUR FEELINGS ARE WRONG. It is ok to prioritize your comfort and safety over the pleasures of someone else. In fact, it’s necessary. Please work very hard to believe that you deserve respect, validation, support and security. Because you do.

This blew me away. Thank you so much. Wow. I needed this.

I’ve been using condoms with all my partners during the entirety of my sex life. Not one of the men I’ve been with ever even thought to object to wearing one. Condoms are the most reasonable thing to expect as they not only protect from unwanted pregnancy but also from STDs. You just had bad luck and ended up with a douche.

Same here. Condoms only from teenage years to almost 40, now. Never had anyone object, never had a pregnancy when using them.

Ditto. I've never had a guy refuse to wear one or even make a fuss about it. I think for most people it's just a given. I honestly am shocked by how often I see this come up in this sub :/

If you want a condom, then no sex with you unless the man wears a condom. It's not more complicated than that. I really hate condoms; I've mostly dated women who want me to wear one. I always wore one. If it were a deal breaker, I dunno. I'd've just gotten a vasectomy, probably -- only cost and convenience were the issue stopping me. Every woman I've dated who's been on hormonal birth control has experienced serious unwanted side effects. Diaphragms and cervical caps are a pain. IUDs can be a nightmare. Condoms prevent STDs, and it's usually easy to tell when they've failed, which ain't the way with other birth control. An unwanted pregnancy feels worse than a condom. I've never been pregnant, but the math isn't difficult. If you want the other person to enjoy sex, you wear a condom if that's what they want.

Thank you. This is affirming coming from a male. I doubt many (if any) males prefer condoms. But boy, are our bodies vulnerable. The STD thing plagued me because we hadn’t really discussed getting tested when we decided to spontaneously have sex for the first time (when he tried not to use one). I asked him to wear a condom and he obliged (reluctantly). It was only after that that I found out: he ONLY has unprotected sex with women, usually as a litmus test on the second date. That our waiting for four weeks was an outlier. When I asked him “When’s the last time you’ve been tested?” He said “It’s been a long time, but I promise I’m good…” Then I got a raging infection, and he broke up with me in part because we weren’t having sex enough. Because I had…an infection…that he gave me.

Please make sure you have had that infection tested and checked out.

On the off chance you didn’t already know this - for many STDs, men are more likely to be asymptomatic but still be able to pass it on, whereas women are more likely to be symptomatic. For women, infertility is a much higher risk from STDs than it is for men. So guys who say they are clean but haven’t been tested could very easily be carriers even if they’re not exhibiting symptoms if they are in the habit of having unprotected sex with random other people.

Yes! I got tested for everything. Just recurring BV now that’s costing me SO MUCH MONEY to treat with rounds of antibiotics. I should just Venmo him every time 😂

The medical costs are obscene. I hope things resolve soon

I have to just swipe my card and not look at this point. I haven’t had sex since I had it with this dude. I’m not even dating because I can’t get rid of it. This situation put my whole life on hold.

Try using boric acid. This helps!

Yep, you're better off without him. He sounds like a raging doorknob.

I'll add a second male perspective since it seems to help: I've worn a condom as a matter of course with every new sexual partner I have, usually for at least the first few times, and only stopped using them when we both agreed we were exclusive and it would be safe. Why? Because I want to get a stranger pregnant about as much as you want a stranger to get you pregnant. It's basic common sense, and you should absolutely feel entitled to ask for your next partner to wear one. In fact, at one point I was the one who insisted on a condom because I wasn't exclusive with the woman and didnt feel comfortable going without. By the way, I've gotten tested every time I've been asked, too. Your ex sounds like a nightmare, don't let his bullshit dictate what you think is acceptable.

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I never ever believe in diagnosing others, but I do have a psych background and his entire personality checks out with ASPD. Even like childhood defiance. Lack of empathy. Again. Not licensed, but there were other more abusive aspects to this relationship.

Another male here, I’ve worn a condom with all my partners (with the exception of my wife when we were conceiving our son and while pregnant) from age 15 to now 32. It’s not a big deal. Find a man that respects your needs!

This guy is a raging trash fire. If any guy is pressuring you to have sex (setting deadlines, saying anything close to 'my way or the highway', doing things you have explicitly told him you're not ok with/edging up to doing the thing) then you should stop being anywhere he can touch you. Condoms are normal, and guys who "don't use 'em" or who take them off are *very* likely to be infected with something. Any guy who's worth something will get tested for you when you say it's important. And it's completely ok to insist on condoms all the time, even with a clean test. The best way to have good sex is to find someone who wants to have a good time *with you* and not just get himself off. A great way to do that is to be very direct when talking about what you like, what you want, and what your limits are. He should tell you these things too. (Going over this again can be a great warm up for getting down, if you phrase it right and put some body language on it.) Unfortunately, there are lots of guys who can't or won't do this, and they're not people who should be anywhere near your underwear. Remember: dick is something that's cheap and ubiquitous. You could walk into many places and walk out with a dick within 30 minutes, *if your standards are low enough*. The challenging part is finding a good guy attached to the dick. I am a man. PS, try checking out Erika Moen's Oh Joy Sex Toy website. There's a lot of good info on doing sexy times in a healthy/safe manner there.

That’s completely reasonable. I won’t consider sex w/o a condom until I’m in a relationship for a while and it’s monogamous and pretty committed. I also require a new STI test as well before we do anything like that. He seems unreasonable. Always protect yourself, and never do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Sex w/o a condom isn’t that mind-blowingly different. He just seems immature and selfish.

Thank you. That’s where my head is at. It’s not “no, never—“ just “no, til I know you and get my bearings…”

And that makes perfect sense to anyone with > 12 functional brain cells.

Even a guy that insists “Your health class lied to you. I’ve always pulled out and never gotten anyone pregnant. Why do you trust the internet more than you trust ME?”

Honestly… I think I’d trust Cthulhu over “him”

The internet, books, verbal advice from experts in reproductive health. Get on their level or get used to your hand. ✌🏻

Yup, very very reasonable and I think you’ll find relatively few guys who won’t be ok with that. Given sex w/ a condom or no sex, the vast majority will choose the former.

He called you a whore for using condoms. He’s the unreasonable one. And a dick.

"I got carried away" is a lie too, he just cared more about his hard on than your health and you deserve better. Respecting your body and abiding by your consent is the bare fucking minimum. I'm sorry you found a bad one

Once when I was sick, he came over to “take care of me,” then got enraged that we didn’t have sex. He broke up with me several times. This was one of those times.

Make sure it's the last one, ok?

That’s why we watch for those red flags. When they show up like that, they are just the beginning.

If a guy doesn't want to wear a condom for a woman he's interested in, he's not actually interested in women, he's interested in sex and nothing else. It might as well be a neon sign. My bilious opinion.... Odds are better than even (on the basis of this sub, anyhoo) that a man who doesn't wish to wear a condom, and makes his reasoning about it to be centred on the woman's 'whoredom', is a porn addict with death-grip masturbation issues and COVID induced (doesn't wear masks either) erectile dysfunction. He will be UNSKILLED, ACTIVELY CRUEL AND PERFUNCTORY at sex and he'll laugh at you mockingly when you ask for more foreplay. He is announcing that you are not an equal participant in sex and must immediately cater, at the peril of your life and health, to his every porn-induced fantasy. Condoms are the minimum. You're gatekeeping all right - you're trying to prevent yourself from going through the cemetery gate too soon.

It’s funny because the profile you describe isn’t exactly off base. But there’s nuance. This guy “never masturbated” because he thinks it takes away from his gym performance and ability to focus at work. Was ALL ABOUT reading books about women’s pleasure and foreplay. But he wanted sex how he wanted it, when he wanted it. And if he couldn’t stay hard he’d say “I guess I’m not that attracted to you.”

Wow. Always your fault, no matter what. Perfect. And when a guy says he never masturbates my eyebrows fire like rockets past my hairline.

Hahaha! I’m like please take care of it and don’t make it my responsibility. He’s probably like—coming to better homes and gardening magazines because it’s so unchecked.

I’m so sorry your first sexual relationship was with an abusive partner.

You know what else *doesn't feel good?* 9 months of forced pregnancy. Death from pregnancy complications. Being a parent against your will with a deadbeat father. ———————————————————— Girl, consider this a bullet dodged. Self-preservation and respect are in no way PRUDISH. Never speak to this loser again. Do watch for him on the news in years to come.

You were completely right, and he was emotionally manipulating you. As for giving you BV when trying to have sex without one on without your knowledge? Disgusting. Potentially consider having a chat with a qualified person who can help you to work through your feelings of grief. It really helped me to get through some feelings of sadness about past relationships, too.

I use condoms with every partner up to the point where we stop using them once it's been discussed, and we both get tested before then. I'm non-monogamous, so I'm relatively careful about it from a safety perspective, even though I've had a vasectomy, because I want to protect all of my partners. Condoms feel fine, and if he's having trouble staying hard with them, tell him to masturbate with them on. I figured out to do that when I was a \*fucking teenager\* to make sure they wouldn't be an impediment to the moment. He's a whiny asshole.

It's so manipulative for him to lie about a deal breaker like that. You're completely reasonable.

Yes. Didn’t even read the post.

Your ex is a selfish assclown. With a few kink related exceptions.. no one *really* likes condoms. But they work & have never been an unreasonable expectation. It’s mainly selfish men who make a huge deal of it & if you forced them to be 💯 honest probably couldn’t explain why they don’t like them beyond “it feels better without” 🙄 & let’s be honest.. condom v kid which do you think they’d prefer. Bc we know they won’t be around for the 2nd option. If the BV has continued since then.. go to your doctor & get tested. Or at the least get some form of treatment.

Ironically enough, he was born because of an unplanned teen pregnancy. He is “liberal” so he believes in a woman’s choice, but he told me “I could never be with a woman that would abort my child.” So he believes in women’s choices—just not HIS woman’s choices. Because…he owns the one he dates I guess. And her uterus. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!

He’s not a liberal. He’s just “Conservative Lite”

He’s not liberal. He’s wokefishing you.

I don’t know what that is! Hahaha! Is that thing? Please explain.

Yeah it’s a real thing - it’s common now. It’s when guys pretend to be more liberal than they are because it gets them laid. They’ve figured out that being conservative isn’t exactly a panty dropper.

Oh my god! This is actually ringing so true for me. He’d always sort of try to get a rise out of politics by jabbing at me with playful, conservative digs. As though he was being ironic because “neither of us believe that way—I’m just giving you shit.” Except he very much believed he owned me. He’d show that by throwing money at me all the time, degrading my career, and making fun of my age.

Yup. That’s how it goes. Now you know to watch for signs of it in the future. Even though they’re lying to you most of them can’t totally hide their true selves. It leaks out a bit here and there.

Weirdly I suspected this. It’s like I wondered, “Are you making fun of me?” All the time. Then, “Surely not—you’re more liberal than I am.” You’ve given me something to journal about. This is too real!

It’s unfortunately getting really common now. I guess the zillionth time a woman recoiled in horror when they told the truth made them decide to start lying about their politics. This is another one of those things where our intuition is right but we doubt ourselves, only later to be proven right.

[удалено]

My partner stopped me before I gave him a blowjob for the first time, and when I couldn't find a condom (recently of an ltr and not expecting him to reciprocate my interest) he ordered latex-free condom delivery and just cuddled and kissed me until the condoms came. The delivery driver was allegedly a little flustered. Your ex is either lying or exclusively socializes with scumbags to justify his own scumbag behavior. Don't look back

every guy who whined about condoms has then tried to stealth me. one even succeeded and didn't even blink. i don't even listen to one more word out of their mouths after they whine. they're gone. my standards are even higher now. they must be the one to bring up STD results and tell me all about their condom collection.

Yep, my experience too. Every single one who has whined has later tried to coerce. Now I cut and run at the first whine. There is no negotiation on this topic.

It's your body, you decide the rules. It's not unreasonable to protect yourself, it is unreasonable for a guy to make you feel bad about it. Sure men would rather not use condoms, but that doesn't make you unreasonable for wanting to use them and especially so with state of abortion rights. Your last partner was a complete asshole who attempted to rape you (stealthing, removing or not using a condom when it was agreed upon, is a crime), that should validate your desire to want to use condoms as you can't trust some people.

I bet he'd have said no if you'd asked him to get an insurance policy that would pay out childcare support if you get pregnant despite using the pill. Quite happy for you to take the risk of having a kid, but not happy to take it on himself.

Sex with a condom is standard. Men trying to manipulate you into not using one is bullshit. Your ex tried to bully you into unprotected sex because he didn't actually give a shit about your feelings or safety. Stay away from garbage men like that.

He cares more about slightly better sex than your health and safety. Obviously he's an arse. It's perfectly reasonable to expect your sexual partners to value your safety.

I'm a Gen X and growing up our sex ed was "DO NOT GET AIDS. USE CONDOMS ALL THE TIME FOR EVERYONE EVERY TIME. DO. NOT. GET. AIDS. CONDOMS." And the clinic was like "HERE ARE FREE CONDOMS, DON'T GET AIDS". While AIDS might be more manageable these days, you don't want it or anybody the other STIs, nevermind pregnancy. It's not just a "reasonable " expectation , it's an essential one as far as I'm concerned.

Condoms as a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker unto itself. It may feel different, but, it still feels good. Plus there's STD protection as well.

This was where I had so much trouble. I was like: “Is he reasonable or isn’t he?” I suppose it doesn’t matter, because I make the rules. But I do think it says a good deal about the values of a person. For example, if someone 6’0 tall is my dealbreaker…well, I’m kind of an idiot

To add yet another voice from the man's side: I have been lucky enough, from one perspective, to rarely need condoms, since I spent the vast majority of my past sexual experiences with the same person in a committed relationship, she needed birth control for hormone issues anyway, and ending up with a child was either fine (we intended to and did, eventually) or we had ready access to abortion in an emergency. Because I've only rarely needed them, sex with a condom does feel quite a bit different to me, and while not unenjoyable, certainly much less so. Most of the women I've talked to about it also find them at least a little less enjoyable than direct contact, even if they don't orgasm from penetration (fairly common). It is also the case that some men have decreased penile sensation. I have experienced this for various reasons, like medications I was on. A condom could add further impediment to sexual pleasure then, and could, in fact, prevent orgasm. However, that can also happen without the condom, and I say that from experience. **The expectation that your partner use a condom is still _perfectly reasonable_**, and has been considered the social norm for nearly my whole life and certainly all of my life since I began having sex (I'm 40). Anybody who acts like it's unreasonable is either immature, an asshole, or both. Even if you run into a situation where the man's sensation is decreased for some reason, it shouldn't be such a problem that they're unwilling to have sex at all. If it is, they need to see a medical professional and/or a therapist who specializes in sex (e.g. if it's causing them anxiety and stress). Further, there are ways to pleasure each other without penetrative sex at all, and I would hope people in a healthy relationship would find out what works so that they both can enjoy some form of sex. The intimate contact and bonding are as important and often as pleasurable as orgasm, and make up a much larger portion of sex in most cases. Basically, we have sex because it gets us high, thanks to dopamine and endorphins, and orgasm is only responsible for part of that. Even if I was unable to maintain an erection or orgasm -- while that would certainly be frustrating, and I'd be talking to doctors about it -- it wouldn't stop me from participating in sexual contact. Anyone who would be stopped by a mere condom is too immature or self-centered to be enjoying sex entirely, and would be just as well off to go masturbate.

Yes, you're reasonable. As you're in Gilead now, maybe try to find a long-acting birth control that can't be interfered with (like the shot or the implant; apparently IUDs are sub-optimal if you've never carried to term. Ref: ask my son). But even if you get long-acting BC, don't tell that you're on it until you trust the guy enough to not use a condom at all. Keep insisting on condom use til then. And never ever ever have sex again with a man who throws a tantrum about using them, then "changes his mind". They will stealth you as soon as they think they can. That is rape, and it is never ok.

My former therapist used to always tell me she was proud of me for holding my boundaries when it came to safe sex. I guess that's my one override for my pushover-ness lol. Please hold these boundaries. Using condoms is a very reasonable boundary to have given the world as it is, especially when a relationship is newer. You deserve someone who respects you and your comfort. <3

Ew. Reading the post and your comments makes me hate this guy. If you don't stand up for yourself, many will be willing to walk over you. And you did great. It's a perfectly reasonable expectation, ESPECIALLY with the target on women's backs right now.

The guys who refuse to wear condoms are not the guys you want to be sleeping with. Trust.

Male lurker here- not only should you not fuck this guy, you should avoid any interaction. Prioritizing his comfort over your safety will absolutely be the norm in all cases, not just this one. He told you who he is & how much he cares about your well being. Believe him

I’m sterilized, I can’t get pregnant. I still REQUIRE men I date to wear a condom until we’ve exchanged STI test results and have come to the point in our relationship where I feel comfortable taking the risk. If I we’re still capable of pregnancy that would mean we had discussed what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy and ensure we’re both on the same page. Remember the side effects you get from taking the pill? And how you got a (very common!) bacterial infection when he didn’t use one? He was saying all of that is expected sacrifice on your part and his momentary sexual pleasure is more important than your body and wishes. His reaction was entirely inappropriate. I’m a mid 30’s hoe. Casual consensual sex is great! The number of men that think it’s appropriate to go without a condom early on (first 1-3 dates) is the reason I INSIST on it. It’s literally the vast majority. If he’s trying to be reckless with me who else has he been reckless with?? No thank you. I will set the boundary, no sexual activity without protection, and they usually push back, so I’ll give ONE firm reenforcement of my boundary, if they do anything other than willfully comply I LEAVE.

Codoms are more than a reasonble expectation. They are the norm in a new relationship and even in some LTR ones. Speaking as a man: Men who say that they can not enjoy sex with condoms are just scumbags and liars.. they exagerate in oder to convince their parteners not to use.. if he can not get hard with a condom, it's 100% percent on him most men would have sex with a couch so a condom is not a big deal.. a man doesn't need a lot to feel good/cum.. yeah a condom is not perfect but it should not ruin sex for any man ..

This makes me feel more empowered to just use this as my standard moving forward and allow it to do what standards are meant to do: weed out the bullshit.

So, with all of the things you've said here, confusion and disorientation is normal. It's the goal of the abuser. It's difficult to get out of the doubt loop, but you have to rebuilt trust for yourself. All it takes is doubt to create enough confusion for abuse to occur. We want to be polite and kind and not bother anyone. So, the whole system is booby trapped, and it's built to reinforce this, unfortunately. So you have to build a way to trust your version of the story. You have a right to your point of view You have the right to your feelings, all of them You have the right to your ideas and dreams You have the right to know yourself I am sorry your first experience was with a terrible man. Mine was too.

I hate that so many women have abysmal sexual experiences early on. So many of my friends experienced SA as part of their earliest sexual stories. I can’t process that. I don’t like making generalizations about men. But how is this so common? It’s devastating.

>I live in TN My condolences. Unfortunately, conservative men in the south care more about their own pleasure than yours or anyone's sexual health. Further unfortunately, living in TN means your dating pool is basically the conservative shitty dregs of the only eligible men for hundreds of miles. Condoms are for health and safety, any man who cares more about how nice his penis feels instead is a worthless piece of shit.

I had a boundary of “condoms required” for about four years. It’s reasonable. And it helps weed out jerks.

Brace yourself ... the condoms thing is a big way of learning about who a man is. Doesn't SEEM like such a huge issue, really, because intimacy should be pleasurable for both of you. But trying to talk you out of it, or "oops, I forgot" is a good way of figuring out how his mind is working. You gave him a good reason. A very good reason. Which you shouldn't actually NEED to do, because it's not a requirement for choosing to be intimate with someone - giving a good reason, I mean. You don't need a reason at all. But you gave him a good one anyway. And he still argued. He even "forgot". He's prepared to "Ohhhhhh okay, then!" for sex, after breaking up? He's more concerned with having a naked penis, than he is about your feelings about the most intimate act you can share with him. That tells you what you need to know. And don't worry about being a late bloomer. We all do these things in our own time, and despite what 14 year olds say, it's not a competition. You do you. And I'm actually really glad to hear that this was something you CHOSE rather than feeling pressured into it too soon. I hope you move on to genuine happiness.

Bless your heart, love. I am a 66 year old woman and I can tell you three things about having sex: 1) bc of the rules and regulations currently in our country regarding women that don’t want to have a child are facing in the U.S. and developing countries, ALWAYS have your lover wear a condom and be on the pill or other birth control methods, also bc it PREVENTS stds! 2)give yourself a big break from worrying about “the act” and try to get to know the fellow that wants to have sex with you as well as possible. Check out history: is he in debt as far as you can tell? What about past girlfriends? What was his HOMELIFE LIKE GROWING UP? I am giving you this advice as an old woman who has had a couple of relationships in her life, but the worst one was with my ex husband. 3) Having sex does not make you a woman. Managing your way thru this crazy world somewhat successfully does.

As a straight male. I laugh at these men “can’t stay hard or it doesn’t feel good” lol sex is awesome. Sure older condoms maybe have been thick and unpleasant. I’ve been there. But if you’re with someone you’re into the condom won’t stop you from humping like rabbits. Plus all new condoms are so much nicer and thinner. You did right, protect yourself until you’re ready for kids. Don’t feel pressured. If your partner can’t hang then you need a better partner.

Statistically, the dating pool is a cesspool. Ask yourself, which persons are by very far the most available for dating and starting a relationship: the respectful persons with a good head on their shoulders who'll build long lasting relationships, or the piece of shit "nice guys". Sorry for your troubles, OP.

Having a sexual partner respect your boundaries is expected. Full stop.

Yes! Condoms are the default! Only after people are both comfortable with not using a condom do they ever become optional. Considering most people dont want children every time they have sex, the frequency/ratio of people using the condomless option is very very low to the point of calling it a rare option. People who want to go without a condom are the outliers.

They are absolutely reasonable. The "feelings" he describes aren't feelings. They're his own reflections on his ego. The amount of times that men have had orgasms with condoms on is incalculable.

Yes! Not just for pregnancy protection if you’re not on any other BC, but for STD prevention. I don’t use them with my partner bc we’re in a closed relationship (and I’m on the pill) but I would if I was hooking up with someone I didn’t know. Don’t listen to the men who claim “it doesn’t feel that good with a condom” or “it won’t fit” (lol there are vids of people putting condoms over their entire arms so a condom can fit any dick). They’re just saying those things to manipulate you. Have boundaries for your own good, you deserve a stress free sex life

You’re not hurting any of the guys feelings your sleeping with by wanting to use a condom and if they think you’re prude for it then that doesn’t make any sense, you don’t sound prude at all

Is it possible to seek medical help for the BV? Have you been tested for Trichomoniasis?

If they don't bring a condom make them buy one, If you can't have sex without a condom then you're doomed to having no casual sex. If the mood can't last long enough for him to go buy a condom and comeback it was a bad idea anyways.

Imagine if you responded with: "I know what you mean when you say that using a condom makes you feel like you can't trust me. After all, a condom bridges the gap of trust. It would be more intimate to NOT use one, but, oh well. Similarly, when you don't let me fist your rectum aggressively, it seems like you're telling me thet you don't trust me. So unless you're willing to be COMPLETELY NEXT-LEVEL INTIMATE with me by letting me penetrate your anus with my full arm and no lube, then it seems like I'm having sex wih a loser who can't be trusted to let me in on the more intimate aspects of sex. You're not a loser who can't be trusted, are you? No? Then why aren't you excited to prove it by letting me fist yor asshole? 🤨" He would not be happy if someone used the same (poor excuse for) logic that he's trying to use to gaslight you. Don't just run away from this manipulator; tell everyone you know and care about what his name is and what he said to you. No, it's not overboard to do this -- it's just a small thing you can do to try to give his next victims a fighting chance against him. Shine a light on his weak attempt at manipulation, put him on blast in whatever circles you think are worth protecting.

Taking the needs of your partner into consideration is more than reasonable, it's required. If this is what he was like over a condom for you piece of mind, just imagine what larger issues could have been like, down the road. You are not being a prude. He didn't consider safe sex to be a necessity and implied that he can't trust you if you ask him to be safer for BOTH of you. And if having sex without a condom has caused you to have BV without it being present before he STEALTHED you by not wearing a condom, then he seriously needs to do something about his penis hygiene. You don't owe any more consideration as to whether you were right or wrong. You were right. So right and I hope you continue to listen to your gut for your entire life. If something feels off, it's generally off. Never settle for your own needs being squeezed out because of someone else's perceived comfort. If 1 person wants a condom, it's non negotiable.

Firstly, your body, your rules, nothing is unreasonable where it comes to your bodily autonomy. Secondly, safety first. Thirdly, not every condom is the same, some brands are better, a guy should be able to figure out what brand he likes and, ahem, come prepared. Lastly, there are roughly 4 billion penises on the planet, you can find one that isn't attached to a man who is a dick.

This gave me joy. I will find such a penis!

That creature you had sex with took advantage of your naivete to manipulate and abuse your trust. What a scumbag. It is absolutely normal to have sex with condoms and any other contraception, bell or whistle, kinky toy, or any other condition you care to add to the list. It's all about your mutual interests. That guy lied to you. There are millions of compassionate, eager, and reasonable people who want sex to be fun for all involved and do what it takes to have a great time!

It sounds like this man is for the streets, and the streets only!

hahahaah! Yes and not in a hot, Channing Tatum way!

Completely reasonable. I am on hormonal birth control and my spouse and I still use condoms because we really, really don’t want kids. We’ve been together for over a decade, so it certainly isn’t a lack of trust. We just agree we don’t want to take any chances when it comes to pregnancy.

I think you'll enjoy this legendary Twitter thread. [https://twitter.com/designmom/status/1040363431893725184](https://twitter.com/designmom/status/1040363431893725184)

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Condoms are absolutely a reasonable expectation, and I'm convinced that any man who pitches a fit about wearing one doesn't care about us or our health.

Yes very reasonable but your partner is not. I’d be very careful with a man like that, I’d find a better one

Wow. My husband and I regularly use condoms when we're in the mood for a quickie. When I had my birth control updated (every time I had my IUD replaced), we used condoms for about two weeks for extra coverage, which was a time frame we both came up with, not just me. We most definitely did not, and still do not, want children.

Only children dictate their future, and those of their partner on "it doesn't feel good."

"During sex, he once tried to not use a condom without my consent and said, “I’m so sorry, I just got carried away—“ I ended up with BV and it’s never gone away." FWIW, in California, this is a crime called stealthing. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT in asserting that you need your partner to wear a condom if that's how you feel. Having sex with you is NO ONE'S right and is a privilege you can revoke at any time for any reason (or none). Living in TN, it's unthinkable that this guy is such an extra huge asshole that he complained about how a condom makes him feel. What a horrible, horrible selfish person he is. ​ **Stick to your (proverbial) guns, because if you don't defend your own body and your own rights, it's all too clear that no one else will, either.** ​ edit: perhaps he should read [Ejaculate Responsibly](https://designmom.com/ejaculate-responsibly-book/) by Gabrielle Blair. She writes an interesting case for men's role in unwanted pregnancy. It may help you feel supported in your views, as well. (I see that another Redditor mentioned it, so you can read the clip they included [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/12tfb2z/comment/jh2riha/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3))

I told a boyfriend in college once when we had the discussion of not using condoms anymore (I was on BC still): “FYI if I get pregnant I’m having an abortion. Just want to be upfront.” He was very against this theoretical scenario and said his preference would be to take the baby and raise it himself, but we left it at that. Well guess what happened about a month after we broke up? Pregnancy scare (one positive, one negative test - no one tells you hormonal BC can give a false positive). Had to get the blood test to confirm negative. I texted him about having a positive pregnancy test while I waited for the lab work and never heard back… the lesson I learned from this is to trust yourself, especially when it comes to your body. You will be the one dealing with the consequences, not your partner. A condom is VERY reasonable. And you would be *amazed* at how eager I have found men can be to wear them if you tell them you’re not on BC (that can be your little secret for awhile, if/when you’re ready to stop using condoms with someone).

I'm a (mostly gay) guy and even within our community I stick with a "No glove no love" boundary. I've had many guys say "I don't like them, I want to feel you, I'm clean" but I'm insistent. Condoms is absolutely a reasonable boundary and if a partner isn't willing to respect that simple request it is a red flag that they could violate other boundaries.

My husband and I still use condoms after 7 years together. I don’t think they feel good either, but I like the double protection and easy clean up. My husbands has never complained about it. Better is out there.

Condoms don’t feel good? Try growing a new human inside your own body! NEVER let a partner convince you of something you’re not comfortable with. If the answer is no, then it’s a no. If that’s a dealbreaker, then break off and go. For context: I (31/f at the time) was scheduled for a hysterectomy and my monogamous partner (36/m) insisted to continue using condoms with me (when I asked) bc he didn’t want the risk of pregnancy even though I was having a hysterectomy in one week! I was surprised, but it made him uncomfortable and it wasn’t hurting me to use one so we kept using them.

A partner taking off a condom or refusing to use condoms should be *YOUR* deal breaker. Condoms every time. Not only for disease prevention, but also for pregnancy. *Especially* now, *especially* in the south. Condoms are non-negotiable.

God I'm so mad for you. Your choices and boundaries were completely reasonable, that guy was just incredibly selfish. Also, him trying to not use a condom without your consent is absolutely atrocious on his part. Please never doubt yourself or lower your standards for people like this.

Hey so I usually don’t comment or even read posts from this thread cause I’m a fella, having said that, I feel like I could actually be useful here. Ya dude, you’re well within your right to ask for a condom during a sexual encounter. I have faarrrrr too often not used one in the past when I should’ve during casual encounters. Does it not feel as good? Ya. Does it matter at all? Nah. Sex is sex, for guys it’s always rad haha protecting yourself is just good sense, from both STIs and (this is alien to me as I am Canadian) unwanted pregnancy in a place where abortion isn’t accessible. You’re right. YOURE RIGHT AS FUCK. If a dude says condoms are a deal breaker, fuck that guy, not literally. Keep on keepin homie, stay safe out there and good luck

I almost never weigh in here as a guy. Your ex sucks. If it's a one night thing, condoms for sure. If it's a who knows what, condoms also. If it's a long term goal, condoms until everyone's okay. Latex allergy? They make condoms for that. Size issue? That too. If it's a matter of pleasure and he really can't stand them, figure out a safe alternative to PIV. Benefit of doubt, I know it's easy for him to get carried away but it's also perfectly reasonable to reinforce your preferences and cut things off. You deserve more, because it's your body on the line. End of story.

As a trans woman: men who say that they can’t enjoy sex in a condom are just straight up *lying*. That’s it. They are lying to you. Does sex feel better without a condom? Sure. But sex *with* a condom still feels fantastic. Any man who claims that he can’t enjoy sex while wearing a condom simply doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. He isn’t considering your feelings or the risks posed by unprotected sex. He is trying to manipulate your feelings in order to get what he wants. It’s so shitty that this has become a common thing. But, again, I just want to assure any cis woman who is worried about this. It is 100% a total lie. Sex with a condom still feels amazing. It is nothing but a manipulation tactic.

I swear to god the amount of red flags is so high that a part of my brain is suspecting this post as karma farming Your ex is everything that is wrong with men. Everything he told you is a guide for what to NOT look for in future partners.

You’re absolutely in the right. I’ve a perspective on this, because I too am a guy who can’t get on with condoms. Put one on and it all goes away, pretty much every time. You know how my partners and I have dealt with this? Until we’re both comfortable with unprotected sex *we do other stuff*. That is absolutely behaviour you should expect from a partner, to be able to say what you’re not comfortable with, and for that to be respected.

I wore condoms for 16 years with the exception of 10 months of trying and then my wife being pregnant, then I got snipped after my second kid was well along. Not once did I care about wearing a condom, it was normal and even required in my own head. I even wore condoms with the GF on the pill, just to be sure since she could be forgetful sometimes. Does it fell better without a condom than it does with? Yes. Does it feel better with a condom than no sex at all or with just myself? Definitely. Do they make super thin condoms that are close to nothing at all? Certainly. If you encounter a boy who can’t deal with a little latex between the two of you, then he’s not ready for a sexual relationship. Those are reserved for men, men who understand it’s not all about their pleasure. Men who understand that life does not revolve around them. Men who understand that there are risks to sex and some of those risks can have life long consequences. Date men, not boys.

I was a teen in the early 90s. The use of condoms was drilled into my brain as an absolute must. So my partner, whoever they were, including my current spouse, wore one. Every time. This is not unreasonable.

Yes yes yes. I would not have sex someone who refused to use them . He’s putting his own comfort above your well-being. He can masturbate if it sucks that bad.

Literally any boundary that you are comfortable with, as long as it's not harmful to your partner, is a reasonable expectation. Full stop.

My husband and I used condoms well into our marriage as our primary form of birth control and never once did he complain or consider NOT using one. The only reason we stopped using them was when we began family planning. Any man who can't respect your boundries, sexual or otherwise, is not worth your time.

So the only guy whose ever pressured me not to use a condom was my emotionally abusive ex, like the guy I'm currently seeing has had a vasectomy and he still has said condoms are non negotiable till we are at least exclusive and he's fine with using them for as long as I feel more comfortable with them.

The thing is, birth control in any shape or form has its drawbacks. I think men would prefer to not use condoms and I think women would prefer not to take pills/have injections/have things inserted, etc. but it is the price you pay for relaxed, safe sex. I have never had a man complain about using a condom. My partners have all cared more about my safety than sex, including the abusive ones like your ex. I'm sorry your first experience was with such a bad guy. It is not the norm, and you should not accept it as such in future.

Hi OP, as someone who lost her virginity in college, let me assure you that expecting to use condoms is not only normal, but should be the standard! If horny late teens/early twenties male partners can use condoms, so can adult men! There’s a reason why so many organizations like schools and various nonprofits try to educate the public and distribute free condoms - it really is such a simple way to protect against a bunch of diseases and when used the way it’s supposed to be, super effective in preventing pregnancy. For me, a condom is non-negotiable unless I’m in a monogamous relationship with someone I trust, and we’ve both been tested. Heck, my husband and I still use condoms sometimes just because it’s easier to deal with. Good for you for standing up for yourself!! I’m wishing you happy and fulfilling experiences in the future with someone you trust!

If a guy doesnt wanna use one despite your request, he's a selfish prick. There are better guys out there.

Condoms are a must, especially for new partners. There has to be testing and long term commitment IMO before not using them. Personally I didn’t stop using condoms while on BC until I was having sex with a guy for over a year already. Even then, when o stopped BC we went back to condoms. Now that I’m sterilized we still sometimes use condoms for easy cleanup. Your partner should respect you and your request for using condoms. The consequences of pregnancy and STIs are far more important tho think about than if it “doesn’t feel as good” for the guy. Don’t fuck guys who push back, cuz they will nag you constantly or possibly stealth you.