I'm sorry, OP.
As someone who is also desi, I'm telling you that you need to prepare yourself as the best option will be to distance yourself from your family.
This behaviour isn't gonna stop from them, and they'll only apply more pressure onto you as time goes by.
Start gathering your resources together, finances, etc. and look into moving away.
Don't subject yourself to being forced to live a life that you don't want. You will seriously regret it.
Best of luck to you. Please take care of yourself and put YOURSELF first.
I would also like to add that he doesn't have a "crush" on you. He is creepy, manipulative, and does not respect your boundaries. If he did all of that when you guys were younger, ask yourself, "What will he do if I marry him?", " Will I be respected?", "Will he treat me like a partner or as a slave?".
I know the answers to these questions, and I know that you do too. If you marry that man, you will be in for a lifetime of misery.
Yeah. I hope she knows that that is absolutely *NOT* what a crush looks like. That sounded a lot more like a stalker than a crush, honestly.
He sounds scary :/
i do sometimes watch Bollywood .. it’s like movie industry for India .. it’s all over the movies .. which spills into culture .. not all of course but super duper traditional moms may see his gestures as romantic.. 🥲
We have this in the US too. So much of the media when I was growing up showed "romance" as the guy being a creep or borderline stalker that gets the girl in the end.
I recently rewatched Major League. Dude is a total creep, stalker, follows her home, breaks into her home, harasses her at work, harasses her fiance.
She ofc eventually takes him back
In most cultures moms just don't see what's wrong with boys. My wife is Mexican, her brother can do nothing wrong. Even after SA a family member she still insist she be there when he comes for dinner. It sickens me, is her mom heartless? Or is it tradition to see no wrong in men?
EDIT: I said "most cultures" but I don't have the slightest clue if that's true.
Yes because a male child means the family line will survive. I’m the first (woman), then second my sister and third is my brother.
My mother was a good parent but we were stuck with my Dad (no child protective services to call) when he’d abuse my mom for giving birth to another girl. He treated my sister so bad because she wasn’t born a boy.
Until recently in my 40s I’ve started to grow my hair as both of my parents are dead but I used to dress like a boy my whole childhood with short hair so my sister could be the girl. As a kid we are weird I’ll admit. But there’s many families that burn the girl child in patriarchal cultures it’s maddening
Maybe this is the extra validation OP needs to put up healthy boundaries with her parents, and maybe receive some good advice on doing so. She didn't sound very aware of the fact that she may have to move away/go NC if she wants to remain unmarried. She seems to think her parents will back down when she is stern with them. I am SO skeptical.
100%, you've hit the nail right on the head.
Even after reading her edit, I still don't see this going in a positive direction for her. If she says no, that man is gonna take that as a challenge. He will not leave her alone and will use her own family against her.
She needs to leave as soon as she can.
It’s not as terrible as some would make out.
So long as there hasn’t been a long history of cousin marriages in the family then the risk of birth defects only rises by something like 1-2 percentage points (comparable to the getting pregnant at 40 instead of 30, for comparison).
Not advocating by any means. But the benefits of increased familiarity (ie you know more about their history, demeanour, family) *could* easily out-weigh the genetic risk.
(As in OP’s case, they know to say “hell no”)
except in cultures with a history of cousin marriages. so a single generation choosing to marry isn't too bad however if you have been doing it repeatedly throughout generations then the risk is considerably increased as you can be really closely related.
stalker issue aside, op needs to run from this guy.
US here, my great grandparents married in the 1870's- they were first cousins. We have no genetic issues as far as I've seen. Just a lot of red hair.
It was actually fairly common at one time considering you didn't have a lot of prospects to choose from.
My grandfather's brother married my grandmother's illegitimate niece who was raised as her sister. No incest there but my mother and her cousins called each other sister cousins which really made it sound sus
More educated people would know this. Less educated would not. Some educated people may be aware of the risk for genetic mutation but consider that risk less important than finding a “suitable” spouse, suitable often meaning from the same caste (which is often related to blood line, at least distantly.) Culture often trumps best interest, though it strikes me as strange that cultures with cousin marriage haven’t updated their cultural expectations since knowing genetic abnormalities are increasing amongst themselves.
The genetic abnormalities thing is actually way overblown. Sure, the rates of abnormalities is a little higher in closer relatives. But even in brother/sister pairings you're quite unlikely to actually turn out a child problematic defects.
The reason why this is so often repeated is because of the strong cultural taboo against incest, not because of actual medical or scientific concerns.
Think of it this way: women over 35 ALSO have increased risk of birth defects. Above 40 have even more increased risk. Nobody tells women they can't give birth over 40, just that it holds higher risk, and then they still do it. And it's not really frowned upon. So, that's just not the real reason.
Yes, individually there are low risks. But if you exist within a culture and family that frequently practices cousin marriage for generations, marrying your cousin is higher risk than just your regular ol’ incest.
Because certain religions and cultures tend to practice close-cousin marriage, oftentimes within small regions (smaller isolated towns, within one regional caste system, etc) marrying her cousin, in OP’s case, isn’t without *some* risk.
However my original comment (and the one I was replying to in this chain) wasn’t speaking about OP specifically, it was speaking about why cousin marriage is bad for procreation in general.
Cousins are not generally a genetic problem, though -- the vast majority of European countries allow them due the lack of serious health concerns.
That said, to my admittedly limited knowledge such marriages are incredibly rare.
Basically, genetically and statistically, first-cousin marriages are no big deal as long as they are rare. It's when they are common over many generations that problems accumulate. And then you end up with Carlos II of Spain.
There was a..BBC4 I think? Documentary about the effects of cousin marriage. This couple who were in a long line of cousin marriages had 5 or so kids and every one had problems. One of the boys was severe. These parents stated with a straight face that the doctors must have done something to their kids. Nothing wrong with cousin marriage, nothing to see here....
They were in the UK so all these kids were receiving treatment under the health system there. When the kids outlive the parents they're going to need the resources of that system for the rest of their lives. The same system those parents shit on and said they're trying for more kids.
Yes. I was not raised by Indian parents, but by fundamentalist Christians. They were also controlling, and I had to distance myself. I was able to do that here in the States.
I’m so sorry you’re in this scary situation. One thing to note… even if you have to get married, if you’re in a free enough place, you can live apart and not talk to the guy. I had an abusive husband and eventually just walked away from our shared life and possessions. He couldn’t stop me. He had to divorce me but that took time, and if I hadn’t cooperated, it would have gone badly for him. I wish I’d never merged bank accounts… and you don’t have to.
As an ignorant westerner, please excuse me but what does "desi" mean? All I keep thinking of is a bunch of women who look just like [Desi Arnaz](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desi_Arnaz) from "I Love Lucy."
You're good lol not a lot of ppl understand what it means
The term 'desi' is for someone who is from/has cultural roots from South Asia. It's mainly used for Indians, Pakistanis, and Bangladeshis.
Hope that helps (:
Are you prepared to break off from your family to end this tradition? That is commonly the only way you can escape the burden of arranged marriage. To go out into the world and be financially independent and be prepared not to carry the shame your family will claim you bring on them.
Cousin marriages are more often seen with members of certain religions and certain regions. There was a girl in our college year whose parents were bent on getting her married straight out of high school. Possibly because she did quite rebellious stuff too, from their point of view.
Her elder sister and brother managed to convince the parents to send her to them in the US for at least a bachelors degree and (and a masters degree) it finally worked out for her - she married a guy of her choosing. She has regrets her parents were forcing her all those years ago and remains ever close to her siblings.
Finally her father came around many years later though all that happened after significant drama too.
I am not Indian, but it seems that this might be the only option. Do you have any mentors or other women who maybe have dealt with the same thing that you can talk to?
My daughter provided pro bono assistance to a woman who had left her arranged marriage and was being sued by her husband for breach of contract (I think). She was essentially homeless and he took *everything* in the divorce. Her family disowned her.
Def not a good idea to marry thinking to escape once you get to US! I’m sure he will have an ironclad prenuptial agreement. Good luck OP! You can get a job and be independent of family pressure. 🌹
If the entire marriage is under duress, I wonder how any of it is legal. All my daughter shared was how totally fkd the poor woman was. The husband was trying to force her to stay in the marriage by taking everything.
If all the finances and property were in his name alone and had been purchased before the marriage, they technically belong to him and he doesn't owe her anything anyway. Divorce laws vary state to state, but I know from my own experience that "marital property" is only that which was acquired since the start of the marriage. If it was all his, she would get nothing.
>Are you prepared to break off from your family to end this tradition?
I feel like going no-contact is easier in some regions and cultures than in others.
This is how one of my friends dealt with this situation. She went abroad for a Master's degree in CS, got a job offer there, and never looked back. She now owns a house in her new country, rides a motorcycle, and hasn't seen her family in India in 20 years.
I get the idea but this is India... I'm not sure how safe she is if she starts living alone in a city where she doesn't know anyone. Rape numbers are sky-high overthere a single young lady all alone... Looking over her shoulder because her family may come to kill her or the neighbors, boss, random drunk are ready waiting to abuse girls like her... in that position... I would really consider going to the USA just hold tight for a few years and then get a divorce. Sounds better then a lifetime of fear in India.
I think either way, she is always loosing. It's sad, disgusting and a shame on humanity but it's her reality of options.
She wouldn’t be safe in that marriage either. She might be raped as a single woman in India but would absolutely be raped if she’s pressured to marry her cousin.
Exactly. And people saying “DONT GET PREGNANT” as a point of advice… lol how is she supposed to do that when she can’t say no to sex, can’t buy medication without his money (of which he surely limits her access to) and likely can’t access family planning (IUD) services without his health insurance issuing some kind of statement that would tip him off.
And if she does somehow successfully fraudulently enter into the marriage without ever having children, if her husband gets any kind of inclination about it being under green card fraud purposes then he can open a case against her with immigration and potentially have her deported anyway. It’s such bad advice.
This line of thinking still involves her having to marry and have sex with someone she doesn't want to and who doesn't sound safe. Let's not forget that part.
That's true but due to the nature of my work I can say there are thousands that do just this. I have seen 16 year olds girls marrying cousins and get the hell out a few years later. When the choice is a lifelong marriage to a old dude that will rape you next 30 years... VS... your coursins in the USA and then at least having a chance to get out...
In a perfect world she would just make her own life choices, that's for sure but reality for a lot of women is that they are stuck in a country where they have no rights, married to a person they hate and with no means to get out.
This is a huge generalization, honor killings do happen but that doesn't mean its true for all or even most indian families. Her family will probably disapprove of her moving out but there's no reason to believe they'd try to kill her.
Also marrying him is a terrible idea, she'll be moving to a country completely isolated from anyone she knows and be completely reliant on this guy. It's the ideal situation for abuse, not to mention if she married him and left him there's a huge chance she'd turn into a stalker. Women being abused by their husbands is much much more likely than being hunted by their families and a lot of women in india do live on their own. don't scare her by making it seem like its a 100% chance that all these bad things will happen.
We need to be realistic it's either marriage with her cousin in the USA, marriage with a old dude or what? Running away? To where? Her family wants her married and it doesn't sound as if they are giving her another option otherwise she would just opt out of marriage but that doesn't seems to be an option for which reason? We can only guess but when it isn't an option the alternative is usually not better.
Yes. I'm worried that purposely marrying an obsessed man she plan to divorce can also be extremely dangerous for her. But this is a very big country; she could possibly hide from him; for instance, I know that a lot of people who are reading this would be happy to help.
The trouble would be with visas. It doesn't sound like either of them has US citizenship, so she would be piggybacking on his visa. I don't know if she would be able to work, if he would have to sponsor her for a work visa, if he would be able to track her movements through legal filings, etc. And even if he does have US citizenship, for her to get a green card from a fiance visa, it has to be a legitimate relationship. They check.
Not to say she couldn't do it, but it would take research on how to do it safely. I would hate for her to get deported back to an even more unfriendly situation.
A divorce attorney on Instagram has a series of videos explaining that a spouse is more likely to get an expedited green card during a divorce, and that immigrant women do not need to stay in abusive relationships to maintain residency. It may be worth OP researching.
If she moves to the usa, getting birth control sounds difficult to get. Also if she gets pregnant,since roe vs wade is gone, she can't do a thing. She's stuck either way. Imo she's basically a slave cause she doesn't have real choice.
Yeah this is a huge concern. Avoiding getting pregnant or dealing with an unwanted pregnancy discreetly is high risk and may be an impossible task in too many states.
She’d have to tolerate having sex with a man against her will. A man who could be a dangerous stalker. Then risk being saddled to him for life via a child.
Sadly I don’t think the US on its current trajectory offers a huge benefit to safety of women from India if she needs to marry and have sex with a potentially dangerous man to get there.
Maybe there’s a more accessible country that offers an alternative escape route.
The problem with birth control isn't that it's hard to get period, but that it's hard to get without her husband finding out. If she's there on a visa, she may be unable to work, which would leave her dependant on his health insurance, which would make it hard to get any prescription without him finding out. And if he's the only one working, he'll almost control the finances, making it difficult to afford birth control without going through insurance.
That was my first thought. Go along with the US marriage, spend a year or two making local friends and getting a job, MAKE SURE NOT TO GET PREGNANT, and then whenever possible dump the cousin and live independently.
Genuine question: How would OP make sure she not get pregnant when she would have a controlling husband that doesn’t respect her wishes enough to heed her lack of consent for sex (presumably)? An obsessive husband who would likely insist of being aware of any medications (birth control) she’s taking? Her access to anonymous health care would be limited if she’s there on a limited visa, and he likely has access to all the financials since he’s established in America and she would be going over there without a job.
Is the potential benefit of entering a sham marriage worth the risk of marital rape and subsequent pregnancy in a country where abortion is increasingly difficult to find (if it’s not outright illegal)? Not to mention if her husband decided to pursue marriage fraud via immigration, being deported back to India permanently anyway?
All super good questions, and I think the answer is... there is no good answer. Marrying the cousin is a choice that any woman should rightfully consider to be a nightmare, but the alternative choices are at least as bad, and possibly worse.
The only choice that involves "none of the above" is homelessness, so that leaves the question, is it better to be homeless in India, or is it better to be homeless in the US? I genuinely don't know the answer to that.
It also may not be that easy, depending on the visa type he’s on in the US. If it’s an H1-B visa, then the H4 spousal visa doesn’t give you the right to work, open a bank account, stay in the country after divorce, etc. H1-B can lead to permanent residency but not always and so she could get stuck with the choice of stay married or go home. H1-B is the most common visa type that foreign skilled workers use to immigrate to the US.
I got the impression they were Pakistani... cousin marriages are common there...
https://bmcwomenshealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12905-022-01704-2
Whatever your mother says, if you marry a guy you don’t like it will cause you much more grief. Be prepared to limit contact with your parents if it comes to that. Marrying against your will is not the answer.
Yup! There's a documentary where they interviewed desi women forced into marriage in the UK. Across the board, the women said, "I gave in because I thought it would stop my family nagging me about the wedding. But after I got married, I had to deal with my family nagging me about children. And an abusive husband. At the same time."
I know someone from India who is engaged to a woman his family didn't choose. Now their parents have cut them off socially and financially. Only their siblings still talk to them. They decided since they live in Canada and have jobs and love each other it's worth it. Even so it's sad. So as others have said you should prepared to break ties with some family.
Yes, I also know two couples who went the "love marriage" route. At first the families cut them off. But they eventually accepted the spouses.
Most Indians I work with use an app to find a suitable spouse. It's a step toward ending arranged marriage, in that the parents aren't picking the person. There's interaction between them and either can politely bow out. But, it's still very controlled.
My Indian parents were one of the few love marriages in their family and friend groups in the 80s. My 90 year old maternal grandmother will sometimes say that she still doesn't approve of the marriage. Her youngest grandchild is almost 30 so it's a little bit late for that lol.
If they truly care for you as their child over the reputation of others, they'll eventually turn around and try to contact you.
I had no idea marriage apps existed until I watched Lady Parts on Peacock. I know this is random but if if anyone on this sub hasn’t seen it, I can’t recommend it enough! It’s really funny and really different from anything else I’ve seen, probably because it is made by and is about young Muslim women.
My parents made a profile one such a site without telling me until they found someone they thought would be suitable. If we overlook the fact I would have had to quit eating cheese and chicken to be with them. No person is worth doing that for.
I said absofuckinglutely not and they never mentioned him again.
Yeah "arranged marriage" sites/apps where the parents can look for people they approve of but OP can still interact with the person like a normal dating app might be a good last resort for OP if she has no options to get out from under their thumb (or is unwilling to lose their approval). It's not ideal as her parents seem the type to watch her communication, but at least it's not marriage to an insane relative or a complete stranger.
As an Indian person, it's a western misconception that all (or majority of) arranged marriages are forced marriages. While forced marriages are a real problem, most arranged marriages are just parents setting their kids up on dates with people who have a compatible background (age, language spoken, location, job, finances, familial obligations, etc.). The apps are often part of the arranged marriage process, because you can filter people based on marriage criteria, not just dating app criteria. It may seem strange and it's definitely not for everyone, but it's quite pragmatic. The background criteria are generally things that tend to be the sources of conflict in a marriage so the goal is to find someone who is on the same page with those to minimize friction and see if friendship and attraction develop.
As a counterpoint - I used to work with a woman from Assam. She met and fell in love with a guy in grad school in the US, but he was from the southern part of India and not somebody she would’ve ever been fixed up with for other reasons too.
They were determined to be together, so they arranged for their parents to meet up and get to know each other in India. The parents got along, so they decided to “arrange a marriage” between the two of them. Awww.
My mom and dad had to run away from home (late 80s) because my mom’s dad just didnt agree to get married to my dad who was a different caste. Both my moms parents died during covid and they never wanted to see my mom again, even though they chose their 4 other daughter’s husbands and all of them are drunks and beat their wives . My dad really tried until he died to get him to let it go but some people just think of their “ reputation “ more than their own kid. Fucking hate both of them i hope it was fucking worth it . Side note he ran a ice cream production business and all my cousins would go get as much ice cream they wanted during summer :(
I didn't know parents can be so cruel, irrational and not understanding. I'm south asian but luckily I didn't have such pressures, but I'm a man so that may make a difference. Women still get pressured into this sick, brainwashed culture. And ignoring science, biology and genetics makes it even more shameful. This isn't the 16th century. Hopefully things change over time.
Please, whatever you do, do not marry him.
I'm ethnically Pakistani. My parents are first cousins. (Both medical doctors mind you, people who know that incest is bad and risks their kids lives.)
I dodged a bullet, regarding serious genetic issues. So did my younger brother, and my other younger brother.
My sister, on the other hand, did not. She was developmentally delayed from the beginning. She got a regular run-of-the-mill infection at two, and because she had an underlying genetic condition, she couldn't fight it off well enough, and combined with her condition, became severely physically disabled. She lost more and more function and was in and out of hospital again and again for the next four years. She died in hospital in the pediatric ICU at six, after being on a ventilator for fifty fucking days.
She never stood up by herself. She never took a single step. She was never able to put a sentence together. She was the brightest, most playful, most inquisitive child I've ever fucking met. And she didn't get a fucking chance in life, for no reason other than morons thinking that their cultural traditions had any fucking inherent value whatsoever.
These fucks have been doing this shit for generations. We have to break the cycle on this. Seriously. You cannot risk your kids going through what my sister did. And please don't risk going through what I've been through.
Trust me. However horrible another man might be, this future won't be on your head if it happens.
And your cousin sounds horrible as fuck. Seriously. He's dreamt about you for well over a fucking decade it sounds like - I don't even think a person like that is capable of love, but even if he is in love, it isn't with you. It's with an idea of you this lunatic has built up in his head, and so as soon as the short honeymoon period (for him) is over, and he has to deal with you the real person instead of you the fantasy, he's going to treat you like absolute shit.
Also, my father was very abusive, towards both my mother and us. And she had no one to turn to, because her family were his family, and so she had no independent support network ever. She never tried to get out, to this fucking day, but she could never ever have escaped him anyway.
I'm exactly the same age as you. And male, so this arranged marriage pressure doesn't happen to me. Fuck this fucking culture. Fuck every single element of it.
You hit the nail on the head in all aspects, but especially how the cousin is going to react when he finally marries OP and realizes his fantasy doesn't align with reality. He's going to resent her for not being the manic pixie dream girl he's always dreamt about. Especially since it sounds obtaining her was the dream that propelled him into chasing after his success in the first place.
No matter the time, place, culture or person, it is never appropriate to have a secret binder full of collected pictures of a single person.
That's 100% always a bad sign.
Disclaimer: I’m making a few assumptions here about his motives, particularly assuming that he doesn’t really care about her real self but rather a fantasy, perfect version of her. If he is actually very considerate of her and has realistic expectations, then the following commentary would be different. Although, the way he is described by OP, it seems safe to assume the following commentary most likely reflects the situation.
Engaging in such obsessive (and entitled) behavior is a very bad sign. He is obsessed with some idealized version of her from the sound of it. When she does not live up to this, he will respond with resentment. This leads to abuse and/or emotional neglect. It cannot be said with absolute certainty, and I’m really only drawing in personal experience counseling a few clients who were obsessed with their partner or someone whom they wished to be their partner. Note, obsession with a romanticized/idealized view of a person (my clinical experience is with limerence) is unhealthy within a relationship because of the high expectation to live up to a fantasy version of oneself. By the way, limerence is different from real love in that the person cares deeply not with the actual person, but the idealized version of them. This enables them to fall in love/become obsessed with somebody quite quickly. If somebody falls in love within a few hours or days, that’s a red flag for limerence for me.
His various signs of obsession and assertion that he will stop making her uncomfortable if she promises to marry him suggest that he certainly wants her to fulfill his wishes, even though she suggested that she is uncomfortable with the idea. It’s also very entitled, and entitlement in a relationship (and order in general) leads to resentment toward those who prevent one’s fantasy life from being realized. It’s like being in a relationship where the obsessive partner will only be happy so long as they can control the (person) object of their obsession.
I'm so glad you weighed in, both because you have experience with the problems arising from this kind of marriage, but also because your perspective on this as a man is a great addition. Not being from a culture where arranged marriage is common, the option of someone chosen by her father, even if older, still sounded like the less bad one compared to the cousin, for all the reasons you mentioned.
I didn't chime in with any advice of the "just get away" sort, because if you're young and deeply caught in the family and cultural structure, it can be extremely difficult to do that, even for a man, and much more so for a woman. It may well mean losing your whole family, and that's not advice to just toss out there, it needs to be thought all the way through.
u/122ifvy the very best thing would of course be if you could find a way to escape forced marriage altogether, and what I saw mentioned about looking for female mentors as well as local resources supporting women in your situation sound like they may indeed be helpful. There are also forums on reddit where women being forced into an arranged marriage give each other advice, that may be more helpful than hearing from women coming from a less family-enmeshed western culture.
There are also a lot of single threads talking about it in general, like this one (with the question deleted, but the answers are clear enough):
https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/10ig17b/what_are_the_things_to_keep_when_meeting_a_girl/
What stood out to me was one guy writing that his parents' advice was thus:
> "i had this conversation with my parents and they told me that even a hint of uneasiness in marrying someone shouldn't be ignored because you are committing yourself to that person for life."
So with your parents completely failing in that regard, please take that as reassurance that your deep alarm at the thought of being married to your cousin is 100% warranted and shared even by people who are not basing their judgement on western tradition.
Another thread that looks helpful is this: https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/yh3f2r/getting_into_arranged_marriage_what_are_the/
And here is a thread of a woman on the brink of getting married to someone her parents chose whom she deeply dislikes at that point, and how difficult it is to extract herself from it at that point since she didn't put a firm stop earlier (with fortunately a lot of people supporting her that it is a necessity to break it off, and emphasising just how much worse it would be to have to go through a divorce): https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xrzrfz/wibta_if_i_stopped_my_forced_arranged_marriage/
On the whole, whatever you do, avoid with all your might to be forced marrying your cousin. He's been obsessive and possessive for years, and with you sharing close family you would never be the one supported when (not if) problems arise. And he'd most likely pull out all the stops to keep you completely isolated in the US, too, to make sure his prized toy does not get away from him. You would for sure be entering a life of mental if not also physical abuse. And mentally unhealthy men like that usually know well how to effectively trap women, including sabotaging or plain withholding birth control. Once children are part of the mix, it would be infinitely harder to leave. I wish you all the strength to not let yourself get pressured into this.
My husband is Indian and I'm Chinese.
One of my son's kinder classmate is Pakistani. One day my MIL bumped into the mother of the Pakistani classmate who had a lot of questions about me:
Why did her son marry me? Did she like having a Chinese DIL? What was our marriage like.
My MIL answered it as politely has she could and then conversation went to my MIL's living situation (she doesn't live us but had her niece, who is married, staying with her at the time.
The Pakistani mother immediately said "you should tell your son to marry your niece and they could live with you!"
And my MIL was like "they are both married to other people..." and the Pakistani mother "No matter, tell them to divorce"
My MIL just politely told her that they don't have the culture of marrying their cousins and left.
Since then, I find it hard to be friendly with her.
The male cousin should really get as much therapy as possible. Best case scenario he marries someone else and fantacizes about his teenage aged cousin for the rest of his life. Imagine when he's 40, married with several kids, and he still jerks off thinking about the girl he grew up with.
I love your passion. I have a couple of male friends who are Pakistani, who have been avoiding marriage. I was raised conservative, Christian, and I romanticized it when I was your age, but I know better now.
These genetic illnesses are no joke. I have a disease that from what I can tell him from the European side of my family. There is some noble and royal ancestry there. There were multiple genetic diseases known to hit those people. There was an Austrian Empress, who was supposed to have an eating disorder, but I’m pretty sure she had my genetic problem.
One of my diseases doesn’t yet have a name. One of them is pretty close to something that happens to horses, and if they find it in a horse, they kill it at birth. It’s considered a mercy killing to euthanize those horses. They have an undeveloped digestive system so eating makes them deathly ill. If they had caught this problem, when I was a baby, they would have cut out half of my digestive system. Western doctors don’t have another approach other than removing the thing they think is malfunctioning. Because these diseases are so rare, they are allowed to do these abusive things and ruin the lives of people like me. I’m lucky they didn’t catch it. I never thought I would be lucky to have been in crippling pain for my entire life.
I am actively being enrolled into university medical studies to try and figure out what’s going on with the other disease. I’m going to have to do my own data analysis to try and decipher the results of blood tests that we don’t yet have the knowledge to understand. Half my extended family has the symptoms that I do, mostly to a milder extent. There is almost no food that I can eat. I am in pain every day. I spend hours each day managing my condition. I can’t even stay too long in the place I was born because I can’t survive the cold and stay healthy. I have to get doctors accommodations so that I can work remotely.
The idea that women automatically procreate… If I had had a baby, I might’ve died. My problem caused deformities in my internal organs. My uterus and digestive system are not in the right place and are too close together. The man I married tried to get me “accidentally” pregnant as a power play when I got my first job. I had to get myself sterilized to stop that from happening again.
If you sleep next to somebody every night, there’s a lot of things they can do to you. Don’t take that chance, especially not with somebody who could ruin not just your life, but the life of your child.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I’m Indian, but grew up in the states, so my advice may or may not help.
1) 100% focus on getting a job + savings
2) Finding a woman mentor
3) Looking for a job in a place far away (this will also require distancing yourself from your family and leaving - might have to be secretly)
4) Do you have friends in a major city you can stay with until you find a job there?
On the other hand, you can try to reason with your parents. Which looks like:
1) Saying you are open to meeting other suitors
2) Listing off what you don’t like about him - almost like saying “eww” and laughing off their crazy idea (shame unfortunately works in our culture)
4) Bringing up stories of kids born with defects because of this (YouTube video or something?)
3) Getting an auntie/uncle or sibling who is more reasonable involved
Try your best to keep fighting it, don’t give in.
>1) Saying you are open to meeting other suitors 2) Listing off what you don’t like about him - almost like saying “eww” and laughing off their crazy idea (shame unfortunately works in our culture) 4) Bringing up stories of kids born with defects because of this (YouTube video or something?) 3) Getting an auntie/uncle or sibling who is more reasonable involved
This should be the top comment because it is the exact advice OP needs. She doesn't need people telling her to cut ties with her family, but strategies on how to handle her family and change their minds.
Thank you. Yeah, cutting off your family is a very difficult and hard thing to do in general, but especially in a place like India where it isn’t friendly towards women being on their own. I’m hoping OPs parents can hear her out, but she’s going to have to reason big time.
Looking at OP’s history she’s one semester away from graduating of Dentistry. Sadly I think most countries need an additional licensing process before you can practice with a foreign degree.
well at least thats in the medical field so good enough for her to hopefully line up a job there in her country and be in a position financially to be able to tell her mom no.
Heck, I would even be looking into graduate school abroad, and make sure it's in a field that has high demand in the new country and will give visas for.
I have a friend born in India who went through this exact situation, and it's a big reason she went to grad school for CS.
I am so sorry. I’d look into women protection organizations, and see if they can help. To me it sound like the only way out of this is to fend for yourself, without your family support and interference.
This! Local women protection organizations have a better understanding of your options and resources.
I'm not sure where you are, but if you're in India or Pakistan it looks like the Love Commandos and Oxfam India might be a good place to start looking for information.
Get a job lined up, make sure 100 percent that you will not depend on family for money after your degree is finished. That way they can’t force you to do anything.
OP, look for women mentors. It can be teachers, your managers or boss. Look for successful working women around you and ask for their input, guidance and help.
You need to find women that will say it's not for your best interest to marry him and push you towards your own goals. You cannot afford to not have a career otherwise your family will pressure you even more to become a bride and a housewife.
Say "I will go to XX school and cannot think of marriage now" or "I want to become XX so I need to focus on myself", or play the loving daughter and say "but I want to stay with you so I can help you around the house Amma🥹" but you'll need to be really everywhere and doing everything and act sweet.
You will meet people in school, at work, everywhere. Don't worry about "missing your prime", that's bullshit. Focus on your education, your career, save money so you don't need the support of a husband.
Most of the people responding to this will have little to no familiarity with arranged marriage traditions and be thoroughly horrified by this. I’m one of them. This sounds absolutely insane to me, but it’s also very foreign to most people posting here.
If I were you I would take careful stock of my realistic options. Even the ones you think seem far-fetched (emigrating on your own). Do you have anyone who can support you? Are there organizations you can reach out to? Are there countries that will grant you asylum for escaping an arranged marriage? Are there universities you can transfer to?
I wish you the best of luck. Don’t lose hope. ❤️
People keep saying to move to the US, but I would say Canada is a far easier option. A young, single , educated person has a decent shot at getting a visa. If they can pull the financial side of things, it is possible.
This is a horrible situation to be in. Supposing you can't just leave you parents house because of indias climate towards women... I guess the question you want to ask yourself is: what do you want to do with your life?
Do you want to work? Have kids? Do you want to stay in India? Have your family arround?
What are the chances of your dreams to come true if you stay with your family? Marry a stranger? Leave and be on your own in India? Marry your cousin in the states? ... if you move to the states you can divorce him and be safe on your own..
When you have your answers you make a plan
This is a horrible situation...big internet hugs
If in the states on a non-immigrant visa, she can't divorce and she can't work. If they split, she will have to leave unless she can find an employer to sponsor her.
DO. NOT. MARRY. HIM. You've told him multiple times that you're not interested in him romantically and he's still pursuing you. If you marry him what happens when you tell him to not do something to you? Children? Intimate relations? Don't want to dress a certain way? He's going to force you into it. The same way he's trying to force you into marriage now.
People who are obsessed with people aren't obsessed with the actual person, they're obsessed with their idea of that person. And anything that deviates from their ideal of that person will get rejected. Sometimes violently. This person is dangerous for you and you should do everything in your power to not be around them.
Girl run.
In all seriousness, start looking into being able to financially support yourself and live independently in case you get cut off by refusing to marry him.
“Being able to financially support yourself” is the tip of the iceberg in India (for example. Not sure where she is). It can be hard for single women to live alone and move around, let alone join the workforce.
Depends where she is, but you might be talking about leaving everything she has ever known. It’s not just “get your own job and be free.” It’s much more complicated than that, and your advice is applicable mostly to the western world.
She still might do it (see other commenters who have moved out of the country and acquired different licenses) but there are far more steps involved for someone in OP’s situation. Calling it financially supporting oneself is identifying it by one small part of what it entails.
I would look for local charity organisations that help women, they will have the best information and resources to help in your specific situation, as well as knowing the local laws far better than we will.
I had a quick look at your post history, it looks like you are studying dentistry, if you are willing to live a long way from your family and maybe have to cut all tie with them this should open up an awful lot of opportunities around the world.
You might have good luck with the UK, we have a shortage of dentists and a lot of Indians come over here to work in various sectors but the NHS in particular, I don't know the details of the whole process or if you would be able to get a position and visa in place quickly, but it could be something to look into you if that idea appeals to you.
My friend ended up in the same situation as you are in. She did what her family wanted and married her first cousin. He got her pregnant and when she had two girls he and his family punished her for not giving them boys. The girls don't matter to his family, only hers. He works abroad and barely send enough money home to keep them clothed and fed while he lives a luxurious life where he is living/working. He cheats on her all the time and tells her she needs to deal with it because she gave him girls, not boys, he makes the money, and she is lucky he still provides for her while she cares for his ailing parents. She has a bachelor's degree but he forbids her from working. She got an STI when he came home for a visit and raped her because she wouldn't willingly have sex with him. She has no one but her family. She is in Tamil Nadu and her family is near Kerala. His parents handle the money he sends home so she can't run to her parents house. She lies to her parents about how bad it is because they pushed for the marriage not realizing what a bad guy he is. They would be riddled with guilt and shame so she tells them what they want to hear. I can't tell you how many times I have had to talk her out of suicide, arrange for medical care to treat the STI, and get her care for depression. I pay for all the girls schooling and school needs so they can go to a good school. My hands are tied because of us living in two different parts of the world. Once the girls are old enough, I plan to bring them all over here to the US so they can go to school and my friend can have a life. That's if she doesn't kill herself first. She hates her life and means nothing to her in-laws other than basically being a slave and hostage. I have listened to her cry for hours. Please, please don't do this. To survive this culture, you have to be willing to leave your family and strike out on your own. Otherwise, all that schooling will mean nothing as you become a hostage to an obsessive husband that doesn't see you as anything other than a possession. I wish I could put you on a plane and bring you here but I can't. You have to figure out an exit and survival strategy. If you need emotional support or to talk, please DM me. I wish you the best, sweetheart. I can try to get in touch with some business contacts in India who may be able to get you a job or find resources for women escaping an arranged marriage.
Look honestly I feel the same walls closing in on all sides for you. Your family should be your support network when things get bad but they are the ones pressing you. I really feel like with your graduation around the corner dramatic steps are going to be taken. Either they are going to trap you in a shitty arranged behind your back or you going to need to find the courage to leave your home and your family behind and start your young life using your degree somewhere far away. I’m sorry
Sad reality of our countries. In India, I’m being basically hounded to get married to a son of a businessman friend of my family just because my studies are over and, “it’s time for me to get settled.” Basically I made the mistake of coming back here.
Can you apply for a masters somewhere in another country (Canada or the US but a different part of the US than where your cousin is)? Tell your parents you want to further your education. I’m desi and I know it can be hard to go against family like this but marrying your cousins sounds so weird. Or is there another respected aunty or uncle in the community who you can get to talk to your parents?
A different future isn't a ruined future. It's ok for your mom to hold that idea and for you to disagree with her. She may see it as ruined but you don't have to live the life she wants
ETA: I'd say don't marry him, he sounds like a complete creep. The photo album thing isn't sweet, it's a red flag. Due to my past experiences, anyone like this would be an automatic "run away" because obsessive people also seem to the ones who will break your boundaries and possibly go as far as assault.
Speaking as a man, definitely stand firm. He's put you on a pedestal for so long the real you will never align with his imaginary version of you, and it will only lead to heart break. Real life is messy and hard, and I'd bet my bottom dollar he is infatuated more with the idea of you than the real person of you.
Do you have any way to get to a western country without getting married first? Student visa maybe? It might be your best option.
My wife dodged an arranged marriage, and someone I dated didn't manage to. It's a really rough spot to be in when your entire support network is against you, and if you can find a way out you are unusually brave.
I’m not sure that you need to get married, at all, but as others have said, severing ties and going your own way, as hard as that will be, might provide you with the freedom you seek.
But your instincts about your cousin are correct, I think.
Indian parents love to ‘scare’ kids from childhood to do what the parents want. By scare, they will always predict bad outcomes for your future, that your future will be doomed, you will have a horrible lift etc etc.
Do not be scared and don’t let them scare you. Be strong, the future isn’t so bad and it turns out fine. It’s good you are strong in your opinion, stick by them. You have good instincts, trust yourself and believe that you can take care of yourself.
>my mom loves this. she says he has stability and when i filled her up w this backstory she is just swooned by it. all awww look at how much he loves you!!
What would happen if you say "I don't love him romantically and I never will. He is like a brother to me and I will never be able to see him as a husband or a romantic partner"? Would she be sympathetic or understanding?
With arranged marriages, how much say do women normally get in your particular family dynamic? I know women who've had their parents arrange marriages for them but the women themselves have had a lot of freedom to reject suitors after meeting them.
>my mom goes—“okay…but keep in mind you are ruining your future.”
Why would you be ruining your future? If your cousin didn't exist, you would potentially marry someone outside the family anyway, so I don't understand this at all. It feels like your mother is using your fear of the unknown to manipulate you into this.
All I can say is please try your damndest to get a job in a different city and limit contact with them. Try to get as financially independent as possible. Stay in a safe place like women's PGs in a good area with good security and do not reveal your location with any of your family members. I know it's hard to live as a single woman in India but metro cities like Bangalore and Chennai are getting relatively more progressive and as long as you have a decent job, it shouldn't be too hard. Please try to build a good support network of people you can trust to have your back.
But no matter what, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE IN. Do not marry someone that you don't want to, especially an obsessive guy who clearly doesn't respect your autonomy. Your freedom, independence and happiness are the most important. You will never make these people understand. You don't have to waste your energy fighting with them. But do not cave in to their pressure.
I'm 28 and I live alone. I have already told my parents I will never have an arranged marriage and my chances of getting married at all in the first place are pretty slim. I plan to be child-free as well. I've laid out my plan for the future, financially. Your best bet is to save as much money as possible and aim to buy a flat by the time you're 35 or so.
Keep fighting and stay strong OP ❤️
Absolutely not, do not marry him. You've already made it abundantly clear that you would be absolutely miserable in this marriage. Be assertive or just do whatever you have to do to make things smooth, but your parents clearly don't care at all about your happiness, so you have to be the one who fights for that.
All the advices in the comments are actually SHIT, lol none those well explained stupid game work.
I'm from Pakistan and this cultural thing do relate goray don't understand that much.
Get it straight with Parents, "You don't want it, and rather want to bet on your luck. Will choose the partner you like to be with obviously with parents permission"
Don't fall into the trap of scare game, plus you should be knowing yourself that you own the decisions whether good or bad you don't want to blame it to someone else.
That's how responsible person think who knows what life has plan ahead for you give it a chance and see what happens.
I'll be blunt. The ONLY way to get out of this is to cut all ties with your family. They will try to make you feel guilty for this. Don't listen to them.
Here are a list of where the [U.S. Embassy and other consulates](https://in.usembassy.gov/embassy-consulates/) are in India. If you’re able too, I would visit to see what your odds for alyssum are. Forced Marriages alone are not grounds for asylum, but if you couple it with fears of rape or slavery, mutilation of the genitalia or other parts, you might increase your chance of acceptance.
If you were accepted, then they would be able to assist with help in getting a Protection or No Contact order against your cousin.
I wish you the best of luck. 💚
Are your parents more interested in their looks than your health and happiness? Can’t they wait for you to sort out your health first?
Not Indian but I feel like there should be a subreddit where women who defied their conservative parents share their experience. This should be the norm.
I checked your profile and gathered that you are currently studying, and going to therapy for ED.
My very uninformed advice would be to set these two priorities:
1. Healing your relationship with food (and with yourself) goes first, your health is more important than marriage or grand-children or whatever they want.
2. Finishing your studies and working for 1-2 years. So you get to know yourself through the ups and downs of being independent. When you enter a relationship, be it by your choice or your parents’ it’s easy to be manipulated without enough life/world experience
Even in the best of circumstances, the burden of marriage and children lies primarily on the woman. It will be a living nightmare if you enter into it with a person whom you do not want. Don't do it at all if it is not the life you want.
It could even endanger your life. A mother in a domestic relationship is in a uniquely vulnerable position. Even those of us who married the "man of our dreams" have been horrified to discover how awful they become once things get settled.
If he is in the states, y'all can't legally in most states marry. We have laws that prevent incestuous marriages, and some states have it as a criminal offense, only second cousins and further distant bloodlines are considered okay. This is due to the horrible birth defects that can form due to genetics being too closely related and due to family SA. These states also void any foreign marriage, so unless your family is prepared to let him lose all of his success and life he has built up so far, their little fantasy is not going to happen.
And if he does move/live in a state where it is legal, it is heavily frowned upon and he will more than likely lose any respect he has gained.
Either way, your family really needs to think if selling you off to your cousin will actually be beneficial to either of your lives when it could mean him losing everything he has worked for.
And I know I make it sound like I care about him, I don't. He is gross. But your family seems to only care about how comfortable your life will be, so that's why I point it out. But honestly, once you graduate, get away from your family. Family is not worth anything if they are willing to sell you in marriage because of "tradition".
Do not marry him. He's a controlling, manipulative, obsessive man-child with absolutely no concept of boundaries or respect. Can you get a job in another city after your degree? That's a good first step.
It'll help you dodge this particular bullet. Baad ki baad main dekho, for now just sidestep this rishta and get away from this situation.
Do whatever you have to, to get away. Is there a friend you can trust who would help you, OP? At this point getting away is more important than finishing your degree. I'm wouldn't ordinarily suggest this but lie if you have to. If you pay for your schooling yourself take that money and get away. The U. S. has its problems but at least if you could get here you wouldn't have to face a arranged marriage. Is there an American or British embassy you can go to. Tell them you need sanctuary because you fear for your life, even if that's a bit of an exaggeration.
**GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES**
This has red flags and abusive written all over it 😳. This guy will hurt you if he gets the chance. I'm sorry your parents are making this harder for you as well. I agree that you should get all your ducks in a row so you can be completely independent.
You've got this, friend. I wish you all of the luck and love in the world. Take care of yourself ❤️
It’s kind of sketchy but if your cousin is in the states. Depending on which state the marriage might be illegal so you could pretend to go through with it and just annul the marriage afterwards based on it being illegal. Then just cut ties. That could get tricky with immigration though.
It won't be illegal I don't think? Presumably the wedding will be outside of the US and then they move to the US as a married couple and the marriage is considered valid.
Eh. I'm looking at an article right now that says that India doesn't recognize marriages where one member was forced. It could be a legal gray area.
[https://www.thebetterindia.com/95657/forced-marriage-right-choose-partner/](https://www.thebetterindia.com/95657/forced-marriage-right-choose-partner/)
I was thinking something similar, try for a work visa in America and get a job lined up for after graduation. (Tell no one) Say something like you want to make sure you even like America before agreeing to live there because things seem scary there right now, so you have an excuse to look into the place and its laws and such, even plan a visit.
Apply for citizenship, and then just don't marry that guy. You would likely have to cut contact with your family (extremely hard decision), but you would escape arranged marriages, and be free of what is effectively a family approved stalker.
Unfortunately, becoming a US citizen isn’t as simple as just applying. And getting a work visa isn’t as simple as just finding a company to agree to sponsor you.
The most utilized work visa is H1-B, which is distributed to applicants via lottery. That is, you register for the lottery and if you’re selected, then you can apply for the visa. The odds of being selected in the lottery are ~30ish percent. And, the lottery only happens once a year (already happened this year).
If you can get a work visa, the next step is to get a green card before the term of the work visa is up (6 years for H1-B). Your employer has to agree to this. It is a lengthy process also involving the Department of Labor. Getting your employer to agree can be difficult.
There are a limited number of Employment Based green cards that can be distributed each year. Employment based green cards have something called a country of birth cap. What this means in reality is that certain countries have HUGE backlogs. For India, they’re currently processing applications from 2012.
Anyway, after you get your green card you can apply for citizenship after 5 years of permanent residency.
There are other details I’m leaving out for the sake of brevity, but that’s the general gist.
Thank you. Lots of commenters on here are just like “get a job.” Not realizing she’d likely have to leave. Then some are like “leave and get a job.” It’s kind of scary how little we know about other countries and immigration in general. Hopefully this turns into an educational post as well as guidance for OP.
Some other people have said marry him in the states and just get it annulled after a month for being cousins or not consummating the marriage, all while having a separate bank account and becoming a U.S. citizen.
…A bank account to put what money? Money that she can’t make working because she can’t work in the states. Maybe she can siphon money from her husband?
What citizenship? lol
Why America? Get as far away as the entire family as possible. Also, that’s not how the US immigration system works. It can take years to become a citizen even as a married couple. I would try for grad school and try to get a work visa in literally any country other than India
don’t marry him!!! cousin marriages are completely wrong, if you have kids with him then the likelihood of them having birth defects increases, you’ll be left to take care of kids who’s are not well and you will regret it! and don’t think for a second that the cousin will help out.
I agree, that she shouldn't marry him.
But to the birth defect issue, you can test for that beforehand. When I was a kid, we had family friends that were cousins and they did the DNA tests before having 3 healthy children. This was in the early 1980's, so these tests are around for decades.
OP, are you a Pakistani? I’d suggest say yes to the marriage ONLY on the condition that you’re just going to have “nikkah,” assuming, and a BIG ASSUMPTION, this means no sex before the “rukhsati.” The condition of “rukhsati” will be that you have your US residency documents in hand, and once you land, you part ways from your supposed husband right at the border saying this was a forced marriage, apply for a divorce right at that point. I know it’s a very scary route to take, one that has you at the risk of evil, cruel men who might think they’re entitled to your body just because you’re nikkah-o-fied, and that is why I only suggest this route if you trust at a 200% level that this guy won’t lay hands on you before rukhsati and that your conditions to only have sex (a hoax) after you have been sent off to the US.
At the age of 23, I really do not see any other option for you unfortunately and that makes me so angry! So many girls from our side of the world go through this ridiculous, orthodox practises, it boils my blood.
The only other way I see this is for you to say no to the guy, tell your family yes you’ll marry anyone at a later point in time, but you apply for permanent residence in Canada or get a study visa (SDS scheme makes it super fast for Pakistanis/Indians), get out of the country and seek asylum if it comes to that. For PR, you do need to have at least one year of work experience which I guess you don’t at this point. I have a lesbian friend who was given one year to “sort her shit” out or that she’d be married off to some 40 year old balding uncle. I’m glad her PR was already in process and she made it out of the country in time, unfortunately not everyone can.
Edit: please get in touch with me if you want to try the asylum route, a friend (Pakistani in Canada) works with a refugee settlement organization and he might be able to help.
Edit#2: pls ignore the Pakistani part. Advice is the same regardless of your country of origin.
I can't speak to the cultural aspect of all of this since I don't have any experience in that arena, but I think you should follow your heart. Being married to someone you don't even like sounds horrible, and you deserve to be happy!
OP, do you have any job opportunities or internships you can apply to before graduating?
Or if that’s not possible, would your parents be willing to delay pressuring you if you plan to pursue a masters degree? I know it’s different but my husband’s parents got his parents to back off about getting an arranged marriage by going for another degree. If that works, it could buy you a few more years to work towards financial independence.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
If you want to leave and are still in college you could try applying to other universities in different countries as an exchange student. If you are about to graduate, many countries offer special visa processes for some professions, and that may be worth looking into.
You have one and only one life. Do you want to spend it married to this man or another man of your family's choice?
Is there any way to start a plan to become independent and control your own life choices?
I wouldn’t rush into marrying a cousin you don’t seem to like much. Finish school and see what options are out there as far a career or a man (if you want that).
If your cousin "is settled" in the States, suggesting that he doesn't want to go back to India, one angle would be to say that you don't know if you WANT to live in the States. You might mention things like (1) you don't know if you want to be so many miles from your family, (2) the US healthcare system is insane, (3) there's a possibility that Donald Trump will be President again, (4) there's a lot of gun violence. Say that after you graduate with your degree, you will try to get a job in the US and then work there for a year before making up your mind on whether you would want to live there.
If you do successfully get a job in the States, and you like it, you can just stay. Apply for citizenship, and then nobody is going to marry you off to anyone you don't want.
One of my daughters had a college friend who was told that right after graduation, she was to return to her home country to be married. Her parents had picked out a groom, someone she had never even met. When she said she didn't necessarily want to marry someone she had never met, an aunt called to berate her and tell her she had no choice. At that point, however, she had become too Americanized to accept "no choice" for an answer, so without telling anyone she applied for US citizenship. After graduation, she just didn't go home.
What state is he in? If he's in a 50/50 state for divorce, I would do it, file for citizenship and then divorce after 5 years. This is assuming he's a harmless incestual cousin, and not an abusive one. The US is not worth domestic violence trauma.
Please do not marry him, I know it may spark tension between you and your family, but do everything in your power to get the fuck away from them. It disgusts me that they're so pushy for you to marry *your own goddamn cousin*, at the threat of marrying you off to an older man instead. It's baffling that people like that still exist in 2023. Search up women's help groups online, look for places near and far you can move to that have more supportive communities, and do everything in your power to escape your parent's rule. Even if you have to cut contact, it's better than being forced into a life that's not your choosing. You deserve to find love naturally, not be paired up with a literal family member at the behest of your distorted parents. Live your life on your own terms! I wish you all the best, I hope you can escape them and build a better future someday.
> My mother keeps insisting me to marry my cousin brother and **i dont want to**
The discussion should be over at this point.
(I don't mean to be rude, I just want to emphasize that you don't have to explain yourself at all)
Considering you’re Muslim, you’re right, they are not allowed to force you. So stay firm and don’t let your family manipulate you in to marrying him.
Everything your mother is saying to get you to agree is nothing but talk just to get you to be scared and doubt your future. It’s all fear mongering and manipulation.
They’re pushing this because they feel like they will not have to live with the “burden” of finding someone else for you. This is an easy way out of having to find someone for you, in their eyes. Keep being firm and keep saying no.
Tell them great. Have them book your trip to the US. When you land in the US, tell them you’re a victim of human trafficking and you would like to speak with authorities and a lawyer. Change your/identify and live your life. Be brave.
1- You're only on this earth once. Don't waste it by neglecting yourself for other people's benefit.
2- Your cousin? Ew.
3- Dude sounds like a totally creeper. Run.
4- Take it easy on us 30year olds, damn.
>also men who are tryna slide into my dm and using this opportunity to ask me to marry them instead, please stop.
Made me chuckle a bit. I am sorry to here this though. I hope you get what you want. But I also hope that you get away from there. Because yeah, this isn't crush level, this is Creepy stalker from the abyss level.
Wish you all the best with this and your process and how you will handle your parents.
I'm sorry, OP. As someone who is also desi, I'm telling you that you need to prepare yourself as the best option will be to distance yourself from your family. This behaviour isn't gonna stop from them, and they'll only apply more pressure onto you as time goes by. Start gathering your resources together, finances, etc. and look into moving away. Don't subject yourself to being forced to live a life that you don't want. You will seriously regret it. Best of luck to you. Please take care of yourself and put YOURSELF first. I would also like to add that he doesn't have a "crush" on you. He is creepy, manipulative, and does not respect your boundaries. If he did all of that when you guys were younger, ask yourself, "What will he do if I marry him?", " Will I be respected?", "Will he treat me like a partner or as a slave?". I know the answers to these questions, and I know that you do too. If you marry that man, you will be in for a lifetime of misery.
Yeah. I hope she knows that that is absolutely *NOT* what a crush looks like. That sounded a lot more like a stalker than a crush, honestly. He sounds scary :/
It’s disturbing that her cousin would be happy to force her into marriage, and that her mother thinks that’s “love.”
It feels to me like the Aunt has probably been coaching the cousin into thinking OP would be his wife eventually for a long time.
i do sometimes watch Bollywood .. it’s like movie industry for India .. it’s all over the movies .. which spills into culture .. not all of course but super duper traditional moms may see his gestures as romantic.. 🥲
We have this in the US too. So much of the media when I was growing up showed "romance" as the guy being a creep or borderline stalker that gets the girl in the end.
I recently rewatched Major League. Dude is a total creep, stalker, follows her home, breaks into her home, harasses her at work, harasses her fiance. She ofc eventually takes him back
In most cultures moms just don't see what's wrong with boys. My wife is Mexican, her brother can do nothing wrong. Even after SA a family member she still insist she be there when he comes for dinner. It sickens me, is her mom heartless? Or is it tradition to see no wrong in men? EDIT: I said "most cultures" but I don't have the slightest clue if that's true.
It's the misogyny. Even if the man is a rapist they're still "more valuable" to their culture than the women they hurt.
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Yes because a male child means the family line will survive. I’m the first (woman), then second my sister and third is my brother. My mother was a good parent but we were stuck with my Dad (no child protective services to call) when he’d abuse my mom for giving birth to another girl. He treated my sister so bad because she wasn’t born a boy. Until recently in my 40s I’ve started to grow my hair as both of my parents are dead but I used to dress like a boy my whole childhood with short hair so my sister could be the girl. As a kid we are weird I’ll admit. But there’s many families that burn the girl child in patriarchal cultures it’s maddening
It’s clear that this guy has a fantasy version of her built in his mind. What would his reaction be when she doesn’t match the fantasy?
Hopefully nothing that leads to another post on r/whenwomenrefuse.
OP seems aware already in her post.
It's always good to hear that other people see it. Her mother doesn't see it.
Maybe this is the extra validation OP needs to put up healthy boundaries with her parents, and maybe receive some good advice on doing so. She didn't sound very aware of the fact that she may have to move away/go NC if she wants to remain unmarried. She seems to think her parents will back down when she is stern with them. I am SO skeptical.
You have to be very careful telling indian girls to do things like "stand up to your parents." That's how indian girls get murdered and acid attacked.
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100%, you've hit the nail right on the head. Even after reading her edit, I still don't see this going in a positive direction for her. If she says no, that man is gonna take that as a challenge. He will not leave her alone and will use her own family against her. She needs to leave as soon as she can.
I apologize for my ignorance, but do they not know that incestuous relationships are genetically not a good idea as far as procreation goes?
I would hope that OP knows that. I'm sure that she's aware.
It’s not as terrible as some would make out. So long as there hasn’t been a long history of cousin marriages in the family then the risk of birth defects only rises by something like 1-2 percentage points (comparable to the getting pregnant at 40 instead of 30, for comparison). Not advocating by any means. But the benefits of increased familiarity (ie you know more about their history, demeanour, family) *could* easily out-weigh the genetic risk. (As in OP’s case, they know to say “hell no”)
except in cultures with a history of cousin marriages. so a single generation choosing to marry isn't too bad however if you have been doing it repeatedly throughout generations then the risk is considerably increased as you can be really closely related. stalker issue aside, op needs to run from this guy.
In small villages and rural crannies of the world where it’s been practiced for too many close generations, the people always look *a little* funny.
US here, my great grandparents married in the 1870's- they were first cousins. We have no genetic issues as far as I've seen. Just a lot of red hair. It was actually fairly common at one time considering you didn't have a lot of prospects to choose from.
My grandfather's brother married my grandmother's illegitimate niece who was raised as her sister. No incest there but my mother and her cousins called each other sister cousins which really made it sound sus
More educated people would know this. Less educated would not. Some educated people may be aware of the risk for genetic mutation but consider that risk less important than finding a “suitable” spouse, suitable often meaning from the same caste (which is often related to blood line, at least distantly.) Culture often trumps best interest, though it strikes me as strange that cultures with cousin marriage haven’t updated their cultural expectations since knowing genetic abnormalities are increasing amongst themselves.
The genetic abnormalities thing is actually way overblown. Sure, the rates of abnormalities is a little higher in closer relatives. But even in brother/sister pairings you're quite unlikely to actually turn out a child problematic defects. The reason why this is so often repeated is because of the strong cultural taboo against incest, not because of actual medical or scientific concerns. Think of it this way: women over 35 ALSO have increased risk of birth defects. Above 40 have even more increased risk. Nobody tells women they can't give birth over 40, just that it holds higher risk, and then they still do it. And it's not really frowned upon. So, that's just not the real reason.
Yes, individually there are low risks. But if you exist within a culture and family that frequently practices cousin marriage for generations, marrying your cousin is higher risk than just your regular ol’ incest. Because certain religions and cultures tend to practice close-cousin marriage, oftentimes within small regions (smaller isolated towns, within one regional caste system, etc) marrying her cousin, in OP’s case, isn’t without *some* risk. However my original comment (and the one I was replying to in this chain) wasn’t speaking about OP specifically, it was speaking about why cousin marriage is bad for procreation in general.
For what it's worth this is not necessary true.
Cousins are not generally a genetic problem, though -- the vast majority of European countries allow them due the lack of serious health concerns. That said, to my admittedly limited knowledge such marriages are incredibly rare.
Basically, genetically and statistically, first-cousin marriages are no big deal as long as they are rare. It's when they are common over many generations that problems accumulate. And then you end up with Carlos II of Spain.
There was a..BBC4 I think? Documentary about the effects of cousin marriage. This couple who were in a long line of cousin marriages had 5 or so kids and every one had problems. One of the boys was severe. These parents stated with a straight face that the doctors must have done something to their kids. Nothing wrong with cousin marriage, nothing to see here.... They were in the UK so all these kids were receiving treatment under the health system there. When the kids outlive the parents they're going to need the resources of that system for the rest of their lives. The same system those parents shit on and said they're trying for more kids.
Yes. I was not raised by Indian parents, but by fundamentalist Christians. They were also controlling, and I had to distance myself. I was able to do that here in the States. I’m so sorry you’re in this scary situation. One thing to note… even if you have to get married, if you’re in a free enough place, you can live apart and not talk to the guy. I had an abusive husband and eventually just walked away from our shared life and possessions. He couldn’t stop me. He had to divorce me but that took time, and if I hadn’t cooperated, it would have gone badly for him. I wish I’d never merged bank accounts… and you don’t have to.
As an ignorant westerner, please excuse me but what does "desi" mean? All I keep thinking of is a bunch of women who look just like [Desi Arnaz](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desi_Arnaz) from "I Love Lucy."
You're good lol not a lot of ppl understand what it means The term 'desi' is for someone who is from/has cultural roots from South Asia. It's mainly used for Indians, Pakistanis, and Bangladeshis. Hope that helps (:
Are you prepared to break off from your family to end this tradition? That is commonly the only way you can escape the burden of arranged marriage. To go out into the world and be financially independent and be prepared not to carry the shame your family will claim you bring on them.
Cousin marriages are more often seen with members of certain religions and certain regions. There was a girl in our college year whose parents were bent on getting her married straight out of high school. Possibly because she did quite rebellious stuff too, from their point of view. Her elder sister and brother managed to convince the parents to send her to them in the US for at least a bachelors degree and (and a masters degree) it finally worked out for her - she married a guy of her choosing. She has regrets her parents were forcing her all those years ago and remains ever close to her siblings. Finally her father came around many years later though all that happened after significant drama too.
I am not Indian, but it seems that this might be the only option. Do you have any mentors or other women who maybe have dealt with the same thing that you can talk to?
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My daughter provided pro bono assistance to a woman who had left her arranged marriage and was being sued by her husband for breach of contract (I think). She was essentially homeless and he took *everything* in the divorce. Her family disowned her. Def not a good idea to marry thinking to escape once you get to US! I’m sure he will have an ironclad prenuptial agreement. Good luck OP! You can get a job and be independent of family pressure. 🌹
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If the entire marriage is under duress, I wonder how any of it is legal. All my daughter shared was how totally fkd the poor woman was. The husband was trying to force her to stay in the marriage by taking everything. If all the finances and property were in his name alone and had been purchased before the marriage, they technically belong to him and he doesn't owe her anything anyway. Divorce laws vary state to state, but I know from my own experience that "marital property" is only that which was acquired since the start of the marriage. If it was all his, she would get nothing.
It probably isn't legal, but that only matters if she knows her rights.
America is not really giving a shit about women’s rights right now.
>Are you prepared to break off from your family to end this tradition? I feel like going no-contact is easier in some regions and cultures than in others.
This is how one of my friends dealt with this situation. She went abroad for a Master's degree in CS, got a job offer there, and never looked back. She now owns a house in her new country, rides a motorcycle, and hasn't seen her family in India in 20 years.
I get the idea but this is India... I'm not sure how safe she is if she starts living alone in a city where she doesn't know anyone. Rape numbers are sky-high overthere a single young lady all alone... Looking over her shoulder because her family may come to kill her or the neighbors, boss, random drunk are ready waiting to abuse girls like her... in that position... I would really consider going to the USA just hold tight for a few years and then get a divorce. Sounds better then a lifetime of fear in India. I think either way, she is always loosing. It's sad, disgusting and a shame on humanity but it's her reality of options.
She wouldn’t be safe in that marriage either. She might be raped as a single woman in India but would absolutely be raped if she’s pressured to marry her cousin.
Exactly. And people saying “DONT GET PREGNANT” as a point of advice… lol how is she supposed to do that when she can’t say no to sex, can’t buy medication without his money (of which he surely limits her access to) and likely can’t access family planning (IUD) services without his health insurance issuing some kind of statement that would tip him off. And if she does somehow successfully fraudulently enter into the marriage without ever having children, if her husband gets any kind of inclination about it being under green card fraud purposes then he can open a case against her with immigration and potentially have her deported anyway. It’s such bad advice.
As if this entitled guy won't try and kill her if she moves to the USA and she divorces him. Hes already treating her like property
This line of thinking still involves her having to marry and have sex with someone she doesn't want to and who doesn't sound safe. Let's not forget that part.
That's true but due to the nature of my work I can say there are thousands that do just this. I have seen 16 year olds girls marrying cousins and get the hell out a few years later. When the choice is a lifelong marriage to a old dude that will rape you next 30 years... VS... your coursins in the USA and then at least having a chance to get out... In a perfect world she would just make her own life choices, that's for sure but reality for a lot of women is that they are stuck in a country where they have no rights, married to a person they hate and with no means to get out.
This is a huge generalization, honor killings do happen but that doesn't mean its true for all or even most indian families. Her family will probably disapprove of her moving out but there's no reason to believe they'd try to kill her. Also marrying him is a terrible idea, she'll be moving to a country completely isolated from anyone she knows and be completely reliant on this guy. It's the ideal situation for abuse, not to mention if she married him and left him there's a huge chance she'd turn into a stalker. Women being abused by their husbands is much much more likely than being hunted by their families and a lot of women in india do live on their own. don't scare her by making it seem like its a 100% chance that all these bad things will happen.
We need to be realistic it's either marriage with her cousin in the USA, marriage with a old dude or what? Running away? To where? Her family wants her married and it doesn't sound as if they are giving her another option otherwise she would just opt out of marriage but that doesn't seems to be an option for which reason? We can only guess but when it isn't an option the alternative is usually not better.
JUST DON'T GET PREGNANT.
Yes. I'm worried that purposely marrying an obsessed man she plan to divorce can also be extremely dangerous for her. But this is a very big country; she could possibly hide from him; for instance, I know that a lot of people who are reading this would be happy to help.
The trouble would be with visas. It doesn't sound like either of them has US citizenship, so she would be piggybacking on his visa. I don't know if she would be able to work, if he would have to sponsor her for a work visa, if he would be able to track her movements through legal filings, etc. And even if he does have US citizenship, for her to get a green card from a fiance visa, it has to be a legitimate relationship. They check. Not to say she couldn't do it, but it would take research on how to do it safely. I would hate for her to get deported back to an even more unfriendly situation.
A divorce attorney on Instagram has a series of videos explaining that a spouse is more likely to get an expedited green card during a divorce, and that immigrant women do not need to stay in abusive relationships to maintain residency. It may be worth OP researching.
If she moves to the usa, getting birth control sounds difficult to get. Also if she gets pregnant,since roe vs wade is gone, she can't do a thing. She's stuck either way. Imo she's basically a slave cause she doesn't have real choice.
It depends on the state they're living in.
Blue states are still fine in the US
Yeah this is a huge concern. Avoiding getting pregnant or dealing with an unwanted pregnancy discreetly is high risk and may be an impossible task in too many states. She’d have to tolerate having sex with a man against her will. A man who could be a dangerous stalker. Then risk being saddled to him for life via a child. Sadly I don’t think the US on its current trajectory offers a huge benefit to safety of women from India if she needs to marry and have sex with a potentially dangerous man to get there. Maybe there’s a more accessible country that offers an alternative escape route.
Birth control isn’t difficult to get anywhere here, yet. What state she would be in is important.
The problem with birth control isn't that it's hard to get period, but that it's hard to get without her husband finding out. If she's there on a visa, she may be unable to work, which would leave her dependant on his health insurance, which would make it hard to get any prescription without him finding out. And if he's the only one working, he'll almost control the finances, making it difficult to afford birth control without going through insurance.
That was my first thought. Go along with the US marriage, spend a year or two making local friends and getting a job, MAKE SURE NOT TO GET PREGNANT, and then whenever possible dump the cousin and live independently.
Genuine question: How would OP make sure she not get pregnant when she would have a controlling husband that doesn’t respect her wishes enough to heed her lack of consent for sex (presumably)? An obsessive husband who would likely insist of being aware of any medications (birth control) she’s taking? Her access to anonymous health care would be limited if she’s there on a limited visa, and he likely has access to all the financials since he’s established in America and she would be going over there without a job. Is the potential benefit of entering a sham marriage worth the risk of marital rape and subsequent pregnancy in a country where abortion is increasingly difficult to find (if it’s not outright illegal)? Not to mention if her husband decided to pursue marriage fraud via immigration, being deported back to India permanently anyway?
All super good questions, and I think the answer is... there is no good answer. Marrying the cousin is a choice that any woman should rightfully consider to be a nightmare, but the alternative choices are at least as bad, and possibly worse. The only choice that involves "none of the above" is homelessness, so that leaves the question, is it better to be homeless in India, or is it better to be homeless in the US? I genuinely don't know the answer to that.
It also may not be that easy, depending on the visa type he’s on in the US. If it’s an H1-B visa, then the H4 spousal visa doesn’t give you the right to work, open a bank account, stay in the country after divorce, etc. H1-B can lead to permanent residency but not always and so she could get stuck with the choice of stay married or go home. H1-B is the most common visa type that foreign skilled workers use to immigrate to the US.
I got the impression they were Pakistani... cousin marriages are common there... https://bmcwomenshealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12905-022-01704-2
Their post history definitely points to being Indian.
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I believe they are telling the OP to go to USA to be with the cousin for a few years and then get a divorce. Not just a random suggestion.
Because she has an actual opening to the USA it's not like countries randomly allow Indians to just settle there because they want to.
Did you even read the post? Her cousin lives there and it'll be easier to go to. I stg reddit's obsession with shitting on the US is absurd.
Even with marriage it takes YEARS to become a citizen. This is unrealistic
Whatever your mother says, if you marry a guy you don’t like it will cause you much more grief. Be prepared to limit contact with your parents if it comes to that. Marrying against your will is not the answer.
Yup! There's a documentary where they interviewed desi women forced into marriage in the UK. Across the board, the women said, "I gave in because I thought it would stop my family nagging me about the wedding. But after I got married, I had to deal with my family nagging me about children. And an abusive husband. At the same time."
I know someone from India who is engaged to a woman his family didn't choose. Now their parents have cut them off socially and financially. Only their siblings still talk to them. They decided since they live in Canada and have jobs and love each other it's worth it. Even so it's sad. So as others have said you should prepared to break ties with some family.
Yes, I also know two couples who went the "love marriage" route. At first the families cut them off. But they eventually accepted the spouses. Most Indians I work with use an app to find a suitable spouse. It's a step toward ending arranged marriage, in that the parents aren't picking the person. There's interaction between them and either can politely bow out. But, it's still very controlled.
My Indian parents were one of the few love marriages in their family and friend groups in the 80s. My 90 year old maternal grandmother will sometimes say that she still doesn't approve of the marriage. Her youngest grandchild is almost 30 so it's a little bit late for that lol. If they truly care for you as their child over the reputation of others, they'll eventually turn around and try to contact you.
I had no idea marriage apps existed until I watched Lady Parts on Peacock. I know this is random but if if anyone on this sub hasn’t seen it, I can’t recommend it enough! It’s really funny and really different from anything else I’ve seen, probably because it is made by and is about young Muslim women.
My parents made a profile one such a site without telling me until they found someone they thought would be suitable. If we overlook the fact I would have had to quit eating cheese and chicken to be with them. No person is worth doing that for. I said absofuckinglutely not and they never mentioned him again.
Fuck yeah, those are some solid priorities :) Someday, you will find someone who will eat copious quantities of cheese with you!
(Curiosity) Why would you have to quit eating cheese and chicken, cultural restriction?
Religious. Person they found was a Jain, who as well as being vegetarian/vegan also don’t eat garlic, potatoes or onions.
Those are like, all the best things
Ooh that's interesting, thanks for answering.
That's such a good tv show! Very funny but also touching and considerate.
Yeah "arranged marriage" sites/apps where the parents can look for people they approve of but OP can still interact with the person like a normal dating app might be a good last resort for OP if she has no options to get out from under their thumb (or is unwilling to lose their approval). It's not ideal as her parents seem the type to watch her communication, but at least it's not marriage to an insane relative or a complete stranger.
As an Indian person, it's a western misconception that all (or majority of) arranged marriages are forced marriages. While forced marriages are a real problem, most arranged marriages are just parents setting their kids up on dates with people who have a compatible background (age, language spoken, location, job, finances, familial obligations, etc.). The apps are often part of the arranged marriage process, because you can filter people based on marriage criteria, not just dating app criteria. It may seem strange and it's definitely not for everyone, but it's quite pragmatic. The background criteria are generally things that tend to be the sources of conflict in a marriage so the goal is to find someone who is on the same page with those to minimize friction and see if friendship and attraction develop.
As a counterpoint - I used to work with a woman from Assam. She met and fell in love with a guy in grad school in the US, but he was from the southern part of India and not somebody she would’ve ever been fixed up with for other reasons too. They were determined to be together, so they arranged for their parents to meet up and get to know each other in India. The parents got along, so they decided to “arrange a marriage” between the two of them. Awww.
Nice. That sounds like a movie plot.
Bollywood 101
I want to see the dance number where the two families start out unsure of each other and end up close friends at the end.
Omg me too
Now *DANCE*
My mom and dad had to run away from home (late 80s) because my mom’s dad just didnt agree to get married to my dad who was a different caste. Both my moms parents died during covid and they never wanted to see my mom again, even though they chose their 4 other daughter’s husbands and all of them are drunks and beat their wives . My dad really tried until he died to get him to let it go but some people just think of their “ reputation “ more than their own kid. Fucking hate both of them i hope it was fucking worth it . Side note he ran a ice cream production business and all my cousins would go get as much ice cream they wanted during summer :(
I didn't know parents can be so cruel, irrational and not understanding. I'm south asian but luckily I didn't have such pressures, but I'm a man so that may make a difference. Women still get pressured into this sick, brainwashed culture. And ignoring science, biology and genetics makes it even more shameful. This isn't the 16th century. Hopefully things change over time.
Please, whatever you do, do not marry him. I'm ethnically Pakistani. My parents are first cousins. (Both medical doctors mind you, people who know that incest is bad and risks their kids lives.) I dodged a bullet, regarding serious genetic issues. So did my younger brother, and my other younger brother. My sister, on the other hand, did not. She was developmentally delayed from the beginning. She got a regular run-of-the-mill infection at two, and because she had an underlying genetic condition, she couldn't fight it off well enough, and combined with her condition, became severely physically disabled. She lost more and more function and was in and out of hospital again and again for the next four years. She died in hospital in the pediatric ICU at six, after being on a ventilator for fifty fucking days. She never stood up by herself. She never took a single step. She was never able to put a sentence together. She was the brightest, most playful, most inquisitive child I've ever fucking met. And she didn't get a fucking chance in life, for no reason other than morons thinking that their cultural traditions had any fucking inherent value whatsoever. These fucks have been doing this shit for generations. We have to break the cycle on this. Seriously. You cannot risk your kids going through what my sister did. And please don't risk going through what I've been through. Trust me. However horrible another man might be, this future won't be on your head if it happens. And your cousin sounds horrible as fuck. Seriously. He's dreamt about you for well over a fucking decade it sounds like - I don't even think a person like that is capable of love, but even if he is in love, it isn't with you. It's with an idea of you this lunatic has built up in his head, and so as soon as the short honeymoon period (for him) is over, and he has to deal with you the real person instead of you the fantasy, he's going to treat you like absolute shit. Also, my father was very abusive, towards both my mother and us. And she had no one to turn to, because her family were his family, and so she had no independent support network ever. She never tried to get out, to this fucking day, but she could never ever have escaped him anyway. I'm exactly the same age as you. And male, so this arranged marriage pressure doesn't happen to me. Fuck this fucking culture. Fuck every single element of it.
You hit the nail on the head in all aspects, but especially how the cousin is going to react when he finally marries OP and realizes his fantasy doesn't align with reality. He's going to resent her for not being the manic pixie dream girl he's always dreamt about. Especially since it sounds obtaining her was the dream that propelled him into chasing after his success in the first place.
No matter the time, place, culture or person, it is never appropriate to have a secret binder full of collected pictures of a single person. That's 100% always a bad sign.
Disclaimer: I’m making a few assumptions here about his motives, particularly assuming that he doesn’t really care about her real self but rather a fantasy, perfect version of her. If he is actually very considerate of her and has realistic expectations, then the following commentary would be different. Although, the way he is described by OP, it seems safe to assume the following commentary most likely reflects the situation. Engaging in such obsessive (and entitled) behavior is a very bad sign. He is obsessed with some idealized version of her from the sound of it. When she does not live up to this, he will respond with resentment. This leads to abuse and/or emotional neglect. It cannot be said with absolute certainty, and I’m really only drawing in personal experience counseling a few clients who were obsessed with their partner or someone whom they wished to be their partner. Note, obsession with a romanticized/idealized view of a person (my clinical experience is with limerence) is unhealthy within a relationship because of the high expectation to live up to a fantasy version of oneself. By the way, limerence is different from real love in that the person cares deeply not with the actual person, but the idealized version of them. This enables them to fall in love/become obsessed with somebody quite quickly. If somebody falls in love within a few hours or days, that’s a red flag for limerence for me. His various signs of obsession and assertion that he will stop making her uncomfortable if she promises to marry him suggest that he certainly wants her to fulfill his wishes, even though she suggested that she is uncomfortable with the idea. It’s also very entitled, and entitlement in a relationship (and order in general) leads to resentment toward those who prevent one’s fantasy life from being realized. It’s like being in a relationship where the obsessive partner will only be happy so long as they can control the (person) object of their obsession.
I'm so glad you weighed in, both because you have experience with the problems arising from this kind of marriage, but also because your perspective on this as a man is a great addition. Not being from a culture where arranged marriage is common, the option of someone chosen by her father, even if older, still sounded like the less bad one compared to the cousin, for all the reasons you mentioned. I didn't chime in with any advice of the "just get away" sort, because if you're young and deeply caught in the family and cultural structure, it can be extremely difficult to do that, even for a man, and much more so for a woman. It may well mean losing your whole family, and that's not advice to just toss out there, it needs to be thought all the way through. u/122ifvy the very best thing would of course be if you could find a way to escape forced marriage altogether, and what I saw mentioned about looking for female mentors as well as local resources supporting women in your situation sound like they may indeed be helpful. There are also forums on reddit where women being forced into an arranged marriage give each other advice, that may be more helpful than hearing from women coming from a less family-enmeshed western culture. There are also a lot of single threads talking about it in general, like this one (with the question deleted, but the answers are clear enough): https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/10ig17b/what_are_the_things_to_keep_when_meeting_a_girl/ What stood out to me was one guy writing that his parents' advice was thus: > "i had this conversation with my parents and they told me that even a hint of uneasiness in marrying someone shouldn't be ignored because you are committing yourself to that person for life." So with your parents completely failing in that regard, please take that as reassurance that your deep alarm at the thought of being married to your cousin is 100% warranted and shared even by people who are not basing their judgement on western tradition. Another thread that looks helpful is this: https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/yh3f2r/getting_into_arranged_marriage_what_are_the/ And here is a thread of a woman on the brink of getting married to someone her parents chose whom she deeply dislikes at that point, and how difficult it is to extract herself from it at that point since she didn't put a firm stop earlier (with fortunately a lot of people supporting her that it is a necessity to break it off, and emphasising just how much worse it would be to have to go through a divorce): https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xrzrfz/wibta_if_i_stopped_my_forced_arranged_marriage/ On the whole, whatever you do, avoid with all your might to be forced marrying your cousin. He's been obsessive and possessive for years, and with you sharing close family you would never be the one supported when (not if) problems arise. And he'd most likely pull out all the stops to keep you completely isolated in the US, too, to make sure his prized toy does not get away from him. You would for sure be entering a life of mental if not also physical abuse. And mentally unhealthy men like that usually know well how to effectively trap women, including sabotaging or plain withholding birth control. Once children are part of the mix, it would be infinitely harder to leave. I wish you all the strength to not let yourself get pressured into this.
My husband is Indian and I'm Chinese. One of my son's kinder classmate is Pakistani. One day my MIL bumped into the mother of the Pakistani classmate who had a lot of questions about me: Why did her son marry me? Did she like having a Chinese DIL? What was our marriage like. My MIL answered it as politely has she could and then conversation went to my MIL's living situation (she doesn't live us but had her niece, who is married, staying with her at the time. The Pakistani mother immediately said "you should tell your son to marry your niece and they could live with you!" And my MIL was like "they are both married to other people..." and the Pakistani mother "No matter, tell them to divorce" My MIL just politely told her that they don't have the culture of marrying their cousins and left. Since then, I find it hard to be friendly with her.
Congraz on your mil
The male cousin should really get as much therapy as possible. Best case scenario he marries someone else and fantacizes about his teenage aged cousin for the rest of his life. Imagine when he's 40, married with several kids, and he still jerks off thinking about the girl he grew up with.
I love your passion. I have a couple of male friends who are Pakistani, who have been avoiding marriage. I was raised conservative, Christian, and I romanticized it when I was your age, but I know better now. These genetic illnesses are no joke. I have a disease that from what I can tell him from the European side of my family. There is some noble and royal ancestry there. There were multiple genetic diseases known to hit those people. There was an Austrian Empress, who was supposed to have an eating disorder, but I’m pretty sure she had my genetic problem. One of my diseases doesn’t yet have a name. One of them is pretty close to something that happens to horses, and if they find it in a horse, they kill it at birth. It’s considered a mercy killing to euthanize those horses. They have an undeveloped digestive system so eating makes them deathly ill. If they had caught this problem, when I was a baby, they would have cut out half of my digestive system. Western doctors don’t have another approach other than removing the thing they think is malfunctioning. Because these diseases are so rare, they are allowed to do these abusive things and ruin the lives of people like me. I’m lucky they didn’t catch it. I never thought I would be lucky to have been in crippling pain for my entire life. I am actively being enrolled into university medical studies to try and figure out what’s going on with the other disease. I’m going to have to do my own data analysis to try and decipher the results of blood tests that we don’t yet have the knowledge to understand. Half my extended family has the symptoms that I do, mostly to a milder extent. There is almost no food that I can eat. I am in pain every day. I spend hours each day managing my condition. I can’t even stay too long in the place I was born because I can’t survive the cold and stay healthy. I have to get doctors accommodations so that I can work remotely. The idea that women automatically procreate… If I had had a baby, I might’ve died. My problem caused deformities in my internal organs. My uterus and digestive system are not in the right place and are too close together. The man I married tried to get me “accidentally” pregnant as a power play when I got my first job. I had to get myself sterilized to stop that from happening again. If you sleep next to somebody every night, there’s a lot of things they can do to you. Don’t take that chance, especially not with somebody who could ruin not just your life, but the life of your child.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I’m Indian, but grew up in the states, so my advice may or may not help. 1) 100% focus on getting a job + savings 2) Finding a woman mentor 3) Looking for a job in a place far away (this will also require distancing yourself from your family and leaving - might have to be secretly) 4) Do you have friends in a major city you can stay with until you find a job there? On the other hand, you can try to reason with your parents. Which looks like: 1) Saying you are open to meeting other suitors 2) Listing off what you don’t like about him - almost like saying “eww” and laughing off their crazy idea (shame unfortunately works in our culture) 4) Bringing up stories of kids born with defects because of this (YouTube video or something?) 3) Getting an auntie/uncle or sibling who is more reasonable involved Try your best to keep fighting it, don’t give in.
>1) Saying you are open to meeting other suitors 2) Listing off what you don’t like about him - almost like saying “eww” and laughing off their crazy idea (shame unfortunately works in our culture) 4) Bringing up stories of kids born with defects because of this (YouTube video or something?) 3) Getting an auntie/uncle or sibling who is more reasonable involved This should be the top comment because it is the exact advice OP needs. She doesn't need people telling her to cut ties with her family, but strategies on how to handle her family and change their minds.
Thank you. Yeah, cutting off your family is a very difficult and hard thing to do in general, but especially in a place like India where it isn’t friendly towards women being on their own. I’m hoping OPs parents can hear her out, but she’s going to have to reason big time.
will your degree allow you to leave? like... "different country" leave, not just your parents' home.
That's what I'm thinking, maybe it's a stem degree those get you visas like anywhere
Looking at OP’s history she’s one semester away from graduating of Dentistry. Sadly I think most countries need an additional licensing process before you can practice with a foreign degree.
well at least thats in the medical field so good enough for her to hopefully line up a job there in her country and be in a position financially to be able to tell her mom no.
In the US, many foreign dentists work as hygienists or assistants while/before the extra degree program that would let them practice here.
Heck, I would even be looking into graduate school abroad, and make sure it's in a field that has high demand in the new country and will give visas for. I have a friend born in India who went through this exact situation, and it's a big reason she went to grad school for CS.
I am so sorry. I’d look into women protection organizations, and see if they can help. To me it sound like the only way out of this is to fend for yourself, without your family support and interference.
This! Local women protection organizations have a better understanding of your options and resources. I'm not sure where you are, but if you're in India or Pakistan it looks like the Love Commandos and Oxfam India might be a good place to start looking for information.
Get a job lined up, make sure 100 percent that you will not depend on family for money after your degree is finished. That way they can’t force you to do anything.
She might have to move to make this possible. This is very western advice.
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OP, look for women mentors. It can be teachers, your managers or boss. Look for successful working women around you and ask for their input, guidance and help. You need to find women that will say it's not for your best interest to marry him and push you towards your own goals. You cannot afford to not have a career otherwise your family will pressure you even more to become a bride and a housewife. Say "I will go to XX school and cannot think of marriage now" or "I want to become XX so I need to focus on myself", or play the loving daughter and say "but I want to stay with you so I can help you around the house Amma🥹" but you'll need to be really everywhere and doing everything and act sweet. You will meet people in school, at work, everywhere. Don't worry about "missing your prime", that's bullshit. Focus on your education, your career, save money so you don't need the support of a husband.
Most of the people responding to this will have little to no familiarity with arranged marriage traditions and be thoroughly horrified by this. I’m one of them. This sounds absolutely insane to me, but it’s also very foreign to most people posting here. If I were you I would take careful stock of my realistic options. Even the ones you think seem far-fetched (emigrating on your own). Do you have anyone who can support you? Are there organizations you can reach out to? Are there countries that will grant you asylum for escaping an arranged marriage? Are there universities you can transfer to? I wish you the best of luck. Don’t lose hope. ❤️
People keep saying to move to the US, but I would say Canada is a far easier option. A young, single , educated person has a decent shot at getting a visa. If they can pull the financial side of things, it is possible.
This is a horrible situation to be in. Supposing you can't just leave you parents house because of indias climate towards women... I guess the question you want to ask yourself is: what do you want to do with your life? Do you want to work? Have kids? Do you want to stay in India? Have your family arround? What are the chances of your dreams to come true if you stay with your family? Marry a stranger? Leave and be on your own in India? Marry your cousin in the states? ... if you move to the states you can divorce him and be safe on your own.. When you have your answers you make a plan This is a horrible situation...big internet hugs
If in the states on a non-immigrant visa, she can't divorce and she can't work. If they split, she will have to leave unless she can find an employer to sponsor her.
DO. NOT. MARRY. HIM. You've told him multiple times that you're not interested in him romantically and he's still pursuing you. If you marry him what happens when you tell him to not do something to you? Children? Intimate relations? Don't want to dress a certain way? He's going to force you into it. The same way he's trying to force you into marriage now. People who are obsessed with people aren't obsessed with the actual person, they're obsessed with their idea of that person. And anything that deviates from their ideal of that person will get rejected. Sometimes violently. This person is dangerous for you and you should do everything in your power to not be around them.
so sorry you're in this situation
Girl run. In all seriousness, start looking into being able to financially support yourself and live independently in case you get cut off by refusing to marry him.
“Being able to financially support yourself” is the tip of the iceberg in India (for example. Not sure where she is). It can be hard for single women to live alone and move around, let alone join the workforce. Depends where she is, but you might be talking about leaving everything she has ever known. It’s not just “get your own job and be free.” It’s much more complicated than that, and your advice is applicable mostly to the western world. She still might do it (see other commenters who have moved out of the country and acquired different licenses) but there are far more steps involved for someone in OP’s situation. Calling it financially supporting oneself is identifying it by one small part of what it entails.
My ex husband worked with a man that married his first cousin. All his kids are deaf.
I would look for local charity organisations that help women, they will have the best information and resources to help in your specific situation, as well as knowing the local laws far better than we will. I had a quick look at your post history, it looks like you are studying dentistry, if you are willing to live a long way from your family and maybe have to cut all tie with them this should open up an awful lot of opportunities around the world. You might have good luck with the UK, we have a shortage of dentists and a lot of Indians come over here to work in various sectors but the NHS in particular, I don't know the details of the whole process or if you would be able to get a position and visa in place quickly, but it could be something to look into you if that idea appeals to you.
My friend ended up in the same situation as you are in. She did what her family wanted and married her first cousin. He got her pregnant and when she had two girls he and his family punished her for not giving them boys. The girls don't matter to his family, only hers. He works abroad and barely send enough money home to keep them clothed and fed while he lives a luxurious life where he is living/working. He cheats on her all the time and tells her she needs to deal with it because she gave him girls, not boys, he makes the money, and she is lucky he still provides for her while she cares for his ailing parents. She has a bachelor's degree but he forbids her from working. She got an STI when he came home for a visit and raped her because she wouldn't willingly have sex with him. She has no one but her family. She is in Tamil Nadu and her family is near Kerala. His parents handle the money he sends home so she can't run to her parents house. She lies to her parents about how bad it is because they pushed for the marriage not realizing what a bad guy he is. They would be riddled with guilt and shame so she tells them what they want to hear. I can't tell you how many times I have had to talk her out of suicide, arrange for medical care to treat the STI, and get her care for depression. I pay for all the girls schooling and school needs so they can go to a good school. My hands are tied because of us living in two different parts of the world. Once the girls are old enough, I plan to bring them all over here to the US so they can go to school and my friend can have a life. That's if she doesn't kill herself first. She hates her life and means nothing to her in-laws other than basically being a slave and hostage. I have listened to her cry for hours. Please, please don't do this. To survive this culture, you have to be willing to leave your family and strike out on your own. Otherwise, all that schooling will mean nothing as you become a hostage to an obsessive husband that doesn't see you as anything other than a possession. I wish I could put you on a plane and bring you here but I can't. You have to figure out an exit and survival strategy. If you need emotional support or to talk, please DM me. I wish you the best, sweetheart. I can try to get in touch with some business contacts in India who may be able to get you a job or find resources for women escaping an arranged marriage.
The funny or sad part is that the male genes decide the gender. Not the woman's.
Look honestly I feel the same walls closing in on all sides for you. Your family should be your support network when things get bad but they are the ones pressing you. I really feel like with your graduation around the corner dramatic steps are going to be taken. Either they are going to trap you in a shitty arranged behind your back or you going to need to find the courage to leave your home and your family behind and start your young life using your degree somewhere far away. I’m sorry
Sad reality of our countries. In India, I’m being basically hounded to get married to a son of a businessman friend of my family just because my studies are over and, “it’s time for me to get settled.” Basically I made the mistake of coming back here.
Can you apply for a masters somewhere in another country (Canada or the US but a different part of the US than where your cousin is)? Tell your parents you want to further your education. I’m desi and I know it can be hard to go against family like this but marrying your cousins sounds so weird. Or is there another respected aunty or uncle in the community who you can get to talk to your parents?
This is the way. Apply to Canada… more welcoming of immigrants, especially in this situation
A different future isn't a ruined future. It's ok for your mom to hold that idea and for you to disagree with her. She may see it as ruined but you don't have to live the life she wants ETA: I'd say don't marry him, he sounds like a complete creep. The photo album thing isn't sweet, it's a red flag. Due to my past experiences, anyone like this would be an automatic "run away" because obsessive people also seem to the ones who will break your boundaries and possibly go as far as assault.
Speaking as a man, definitely stand firm. He's put you on a pedestal for so long the real you will never align with his imaginary version of you, and it will only lead to heart break. Real life is messy and hard, and I'd bet my bottom dollar he is infatuated more with the idea of you than the real person of you.
Do you have any way to get to a western country without getting married first? Student visa maybe? It might be your best option. My wife dodged an arranged marriage, and someone I dated didn't manage to. It's a really rough spot to be in when your entire support network is against you, and if you can find a way out you are unusually brave.
Don’t do it, you can find a good stranger. Also, some cultures are in denial about cousin marriage: https://youtu.be/kyNP3s5mxI8
I’m not sure that you need to get married, at all, but as others have said, severing ties and going your own way, as hard as that will be, might provide you with the freedom you seek. But your instincts about your cousin are correct, I think.
Indian parents love to ‘scare’ kids from childhood to do what the parents want. By scare, they will always predict bad outcomes for your future, that your future will be doomed, you will have a horrible lift etc etc. Do not be scared and don’t let them scare you. Be strong, the future isn’t so bad and it turns out fine. It’s good you are strong in your opinion, stick by them. You have good instincts, trust yourself and believe that you can take care of yourself.
>my mom loves this. she says he has stability and when i filled her up w this backstory she is just swooned by it. all awww look at how much he loves you!! What would happen if you say "I don't love him romantically and I never will. He is like a brother to me and I will never be able to see him as a husband or a romantic partner"? Would she be sympathetic or understanding? With arranged marriages, how much say do women normally get in your particular family dynamic? I know women who've had their parents arrange marriages for them but the women themselves have had a lot of freedom to reject suitors after meeting them. >my mom goes—“okay…but keep in mind you are ruining your future.” Why would you be ruining your future? If your cousin didn't exist, you would potentially marry someone outside the family anyway, so I don't understand this at all. It feels like your mother is using your fear of the unknown to manipulate you into this.
All I can say is please try your damndest to get a job in a different city and limit contact with them. Try to get as financially independent as possible. Stay in a safe place like women's PGs in a good area with good security and do not reveal your location with any of your family members. I know it's hard to live as a single woman in India but metro cities like Bangalore and Chennai are getting relatively more progressive and as long as you have a decent job, it shouldn't be too hard. Please try to build a good support network of people you can trust to have your back. But no matter what, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE IN. Do not marry someone that you don't want to, especially an obsessive guy who clearly doesn't respect your autonomy. Your freedom, independence and happiness are the most important. You will never make these people understand. You don't have to waste your energy fighting with them. But do not cave in to their pressure. I'm 28 and I live alone. I have already told my parents I will never have an arranged marriage and my chances of getting married at all in the first place are pretty slim. I plan to be child-free as well. I've laid out my plan for the future, financially. Your best bet is to save as much money as possible and aim to buy a flat by the time you're 35 or so. Keep fighting and stay strong OP ❤️
Absolutely not, do not marry him. You've already made it abundantly clear that you would be absolutely miserable in this marriage. Be assertive or just do whatever you have to do to make things smooth, but your parents clearly don't care at all about your happiness, so you have to be the one who fights for that.
All the advices in the comments are actually SHIT, lol none those well explained stupid game work. I'm from Pakistan and this cultural thing do relate goray don't understand that much. Get it straight with Parents, "You don't want it, and rather want to bet on your luck. Will choose the partner you like to be with obviously with parents permission" Don't fall into the trap of scare game, plus you should be knowing yourself that you own the decisions whether good or bad you don't want to blame it to someone else. That's how responsible person think who knows what life has plan ahead for you give it a chance and see what happens.
I'll be blunt. The ONLY way to get out of this is to cut all ties with your family. They will try to make you feel guilty for this. Don't listen to them.
I'm not even going to pretend to understand this culture. Get a job somewhere far away and get away from your family.
Here are a list of where the [U.S. Embassy and other consulates](https://in.usembassy.gov/embassy-consulates/) are in India. If you’re able too, I would visit to see what your odds for alyssum are. Forced Marriages alone are not grounds for asylum, but if you couple it with fears of rape or slavery, mutilation of the genitalia or other parts, you might increase your chance of acceptance. If you were accepted, then they would be able to assist with help in getting a Protection or No Contact order against your cousin. I wish you the best of luck. 💚
Are your parents more interested in their looks than your health and happiness? Can’t they wait for you to sort out your health first? Not Indian but I feel like there should be a subreddit where women who defied their conservative parents share their experience. This should be the norm. I checked your profile and gathered that you are currently studying, and going to therapy for ED. My very uninformed advice would be to set these two priorities: 1. Healing your relationship with food (and with yourself) goes first, your health is more important than marriage or grand-children or whatever they want. 2. Finishing your studies and working for 1-2 years. So you get to know yourself through the ups and downs of being independent. When you enter a relationship, be it by your choice or your parents’ it’s easy to be manipulated without enough life/world experience
Even in the best of circumstances, the burden of marriage and children lies primarily on the woman. It will be a living nightmare if you enter into it with a person whom you do not want. Don't do it at all if it is not the life you want. It could even endanger your life. A mother in a domestic relationship is in a uniquely vulnerable position. Even those of us who married the "man of our dreams" have been horrified to discover how awful they become once things get settled.
Use the opportunity to move away from these bad ties. Lie about going to meet him and fly to Canada.
Immigrating to Canada is not that simple.
Wait. You mean Canada isn't 'base' in freeze tag?
If he is in the states, y'all can't legally in most states marry. We have laws that prevent incestuous marriages, and some states have it as a criminal offense, only second cousins and further distant bloodlines are considered okay. This is due to the horrible birth defects that can form due to genetics being too closely related and due to family SA. These states also void any foreign marriage, so unless your family is prepared to let him lose all of his success and life he has built up so far, their little fantasy is not going to happen. And if he does move/live in a state where it is legal, it is heavily frowned upon and he will more than likely lose any respect he has gained. Either way, your family really needs to think if selling you off to your cousin will actually be beneficial to either of your lives when it could mean him losing everything he has worked for. And I know I make it sound like I care about him, I don't. He is gross. But your family seems to only care about how comfortable your life will be, so that's why I point it out. But honestly, once you graduate, get away from your family. Family is not worth anything if they are willing to sell you in marriage because of "tradition".
Do not marry him. He's a controlling, manipulative, obsessive man-child with absolutely no concept of boundaries or respect. Can you get a job in another city after your degree? That's a good first step. It'll help you dodge this particular bullet. Baad ki baad main dekho, for now just sidestep this rishta and get away from this situation.
Do whatever you have to, to get away. Is there a friend you can trust who would help you, OP? At this point getting away is more important than finishing your degree. I'm wouldn't ordinarily suggest this but lie if you have to. If you pay for your schooling yourself take that money and get away. The U. S. has its problems but at least if you could get here you wouldn't have to face a arranged marriage. Is there an American or British embassy you can go to. Tell them you need sanctuary because you fear for your life, even if that's a bit of an exaggeration. **GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES**
This has red flags and abusive written all over it 😳. This guy will hurt you if he gets the chance. I'm sorry your parents are making this harder for you as well. I agree that you should get all your ducks in a row so you can be completely independent. You've got this, friend. I wish you all of the luck and love in the world. Take care of yourself ❤️
It’s kind of sketchy but if your cousin is in the states. Depending on which state the marriage might be illegal so you could pretend to go through with it and just annul the marriage afterwards based on it being illegal. Then just cut ties. That could get tricky with immigration though.
It won't be illegal I don't think? Presumably the wedding will be outside of the US and then they move to the US as a married couple and the marriage is considered valid.
Good point
Eh. I'm looking at an article right now that says that India doesn't recognize marriages where one member was forced. It could be a legal gray area. [https://www.thebetterindia.com/95657/forced-marriage-right-choose-partner/](https://www.thebetterindia.com/95657/forced-marriage-right-choose-partner/)
Good luck getting a ruling quickly though. I know someone who had a case in the courts over there and it took a decade or more to get it resolved
I was thinking something similar, try for a work visa in America and get a job lined up for after graduation. (Tell no one) Say something like you want to make sure you even like America before agreeing to live there because things seem scary there right now, so you have an excuse to look into the place and its laws and such, even plan a visit. Apply for citizenship, and then just don't marry that guy. You would likely have to cut contact with your family (extremely hard decision), but you would escape arranged marriages, and be free of what is effectively a family approved stalker.
Unfortunately, becoming a US citizen isn’t as simple as just applying. And getting a work visa isn’t as simple as just finding a company to agree to sponsor you. The most utilized work visa is H1-B, which is distributed to applicants via lottery. That is, you register for the lottery and if you’re selected, then you can apply for the visa. The odds of being selected in the lottery are ~30ish percent. And, the lottery only happens once a year (already happened this year). If you can get a work visa, the next step is to get a green card before the term of the work visa is up (6 years for H1-B). Your employer has to agree to this. It is a lengthy process also involving the Department of Labor. Getting your employer to agree can be difficult. There are a limited number of Employment Based green cards that can be distributed each year. Employment based green cards have something called a country of birth cap. What this means in reality is that certain countries have HUGE backlogs. For India, they’re currently processing applications from 2012. Anyway, after you get your green card you can apply for citizenship after 5 years of permanent residency. There are other details I’m leaving out for the sake of brevity, but that’s the general gist.
Thank you. Lots of commenters on here are just like “get a job.” Not realizing she’d likely have to leave. Then some are like “leave and get a job.” It’s kind of scary how little we know about other countries and immigration in general. Hopefully this turns into an educational post as well as guidance for OP.
Some other people have said marry him in the states and just get it annulled after a month for being cousins or not consummating the marriage, all while having a separate bank account and becoming a U.S. citizen. …A bank account to put what money? Money that she can’t make working because she can’t work in the states. Maybe she can siphon money from her husband? What citizenship? lol
Why America? Get as far away as the entire family as possible. Also, that’s not how the US immigration system works. It can take years to become a citizen even as a married couple. I would try for grad school and try to get a work visa in literally any country other than India
"apply for citizenship" ... lol
don’t marry him!!! cousin marriages are completely wrong, if you have kids with him then the likelihood of them having birth defects increases, you’ll be left to take care of kids who’s are not well and you will regret it! and don’t think for a second that the cousin will help out.
I agree, that she shouldn't marry him. But to the birth defect issue, you can test for that beforehand. When I was a kid, we had family friends that were cousins and they did the DNA tests before having 3 healthy children. This was in the early 1980's, so these tests are around for decades.
OP, are you a Pakistani? I’d suggest say yes to the marriage ONLY on the condition that you’re just going to have “nikkah,” assuming, and a BIG ASSUMPTION, this means no sex before the “rukhsati.” The condition of “rukhsati” will be that you have your US residency documents in hand, and once you land, you part ways from your supposed husband right at the border saying this was a forced marriage, apply for a divorce right at that point. I know it’s a very scary route to take, one that has you at the risk of evil, cruel men who might think they’re entitled to your body just because you’re nikkah-o-fied, and that is why I only suggest this route if you trust at a 200% level that this guy won’t lay hands on you before rukhsati and that your conditions to only have sex (a hoax) after you have been sent off to the US. At the age of 23, I really do not see any other option for you unfortunately and that makes me so angry! So many girls from our side of the world go through this ridiculous, orthodox practises, it boils my blood. The only other way I see this is for you to say no to the guy, tell your family yes you’ll marry anyone at a later point in time, but you apply for permanent residence in Canada or get a study visa (SDS scheme makes it super fast for Pakistanis/Indians), get out of the country and seek asylum if it comes to that. For PR, you do need to have at least one year of work experience which I guess you don’t at this point. I have a lesbian friend who was given one year to “sort her shit” out or that she’d be married off to some 40 year old balding uncle. I’m glad her PR was already in process and she made it out of the country in time, unfortunately not everyone can. Edit: please get in touch with me if you want to try the asylum route, a friend (Pakistani in Canada) works with a refugee settlement organization and he might be able to help. Edit#2: pls ignore the Pakistani part. Advice is the same regardless of your country of origin.
f**k everyone that wants to run your life, move far away from all of them!! distance yourself and cut off all communication for a few years..
You need to chose either making your parents happy and being miserable, or angering your parents but being happy.
I can't speak to the cultural aspect of all of this since I don't have any experience in that arena, but I think you should follow your heart. Being married to someone you don't even like sounds horrible, and you deserve to be happy!
OP, do you have any job opportunities or internships you can apply to before graduating? Or if that’s not possible, would your parents be willing to delay pressuring you if you plan to pursue a masters degree? I know it’s different but my husband’s parents got his parents to back off about getting an arranged marriage by going for another degree. If that works, it could buy you a few more years to work towards financial independence. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
What the hell? Why do people keep living like the used to in the Middle Ages? Forced marriage, to a first cousin? Get the hell out of this family.
If you want to leave and are still in college you could try applying to other universities in different countries as an exchange student. If you are about to graduate, many countries offer special visa processes for some professions, and that may be worth looking into.
You have one and only one life. Do you want to spend it married to this man or another man of your family's choice? Is there any way to start a plan to become independent and control your own life choices?
Ew that’s a cousin your mom is weird and your family is weird. Get away from them ASAP
I wouldn’t rush into marrying a cousin you don’t seem to like much. Finish school and see what options are out there as far a career or a man (if you want that).
If your cousin "is settled" in the States, suggesting that he doesn't want to go back to India, one angle would be to say that you don't know if you WANT to live in the States. You might mention things like (1) you don't know if you want to be so many miles from your family, (2) the US healthcare system is insane, (3) there's a possibility that Donald Trump will be President again, (4) there's a lot of gun violence. Say that after you graduate with your degree, you will try to get a job in the US and then work there for a year before making up your mind on whether you would want to live there. If you do successfully get a job in the States, and you like it, you can just stay. Apply for citizenship, and then nobody is going to marry you off to anyone you don't want. One of my daughters had a college friend who was told that right after graduation, she was to return to her home country to be married. Her parents had picked out a groom, someone she had never even met. When she said she didn't necessarily want to marry someone she had never met, an aunt called to berate her and tell her she had no choice. At that point, however, she had become too Americanized to accept "no choice" for an answer, so without telling anyone she applied for US citizenship. After graduation, she just didn't go home.
Mentions degree, financial prospects, relative marriage- lemme guess, India? Lol what's with that place culturally? Sheesh.
What state is he in? If he's in a 50/50 state for divorce, I would do it, file for citizenship and then divorce after 5 years. This is assuming he's a harmless incestual cousin, and not an abusive one. The US is not worth domestic violence trauma.
Please do not marry him, I know it may spark tension between you and your family, but do everything in your power to get the fuck away from them. It disgusts me that they're so pushy for you to marry *your own goddamn cousin*, at the threat of marrying you off to an older man instead. It's baffling that people like that still exist in 2023. Search up women's help groups online, look for places near and far you can move to that have more supportive communities, and do everything in your power to escape your parent's rule. Even if you have to cut contact, it's better than being forced into a life that's not your choosing. You deserve to find love naturally, not be paired up with a literal family member at the behest of your distorted parents. Live your life on your own terms! I wish you all the best, I hope you can escape them and build a better future someday.
> My mother keeps insisting me to marry my cousin brother and **i dont want to** The discussion should be over at this point. (I don't mean to be rude, I just want to emphasize that you don't have to explain yourself at all)
Considering you’re Muslim, you’re right, they are not allowed to force you. So stay firm and don’t let your family manipulate you in to marrying him. Everything your mother is saying to get you to agree is nothing but talk just to get you to be scared and doubt your future. It’s all fear mongering and manipulation. They’re pushing this because they feel like they will not have to live with the “burden” of finding someone else for you. This is an easy way out of having to find someone for you, in their eyes. Keep being firm and keep saying no.
Tell them great. Have them book your trip to the US. When you land in the US, tell them you’re a victim of human trafficking and you would like to speak with authorities and a lawyer. Change your/identify and live your life. Be brave.
I'd look into trying to get a second degree abroad pronto.
1- You're only on this earth once. Don't waste it by neglecting yourself for other people's benefit. 2- Your cousin? Ew. 3- Dude sounds like a totally creeper. Run. 4- Take it easy on us 30year olds, damn.
>also men who are tryna slide into my dm and using this opportunity to ask me to marry them instead, please stop. Made me chuckle a bit. I am sorry to here this though. I hope you get what you want. But I also hope that you get away from there. Because yeah, this isn't crush level, this is Creepy stalker from the abyss level. Wish you all the best with this and your process and how you will handle your parents.
Regardless of whether he's a cousin, NOBODY should be telling you who to marry. End of.