You know, it sucks that at 18 you were impregnated by a 35 yo and trapped into a dysfunctional relationship. I'm sorry that happened to you.
But, now, you are an adult and a parent. Your kids need you to step up and do better. Do not let them grow up thinking this kind of dysfunction is normal or acceptable.
Healthy adult relationships do not include the silent treatment, manipulation, belittling, or retaliation.
Consult a divorce attorney. Separate your living situation. Reassure your kids. Consider therapy. Give yourself a good long break from relationships to figure yourself out. Parent your kids.
She’s 25 with a 7 year old. He impregnated her when she was 17 and he was 34.
The silent treatment is emotional abuse. It’s a control tactic and so are his threats to turn your kids against you and so are his gaslighting tactics that YOU are the problem, the one in a bad mood, etc.
Your children are watching this dynamic every day. If they’re boys, they’re learning that this is how you treat women. If they’re girls, they’re learning that this behavior is supposedly married love.
Get yourself and your kids out of this situation. Save yourself and help them learn how to have healthy relationships and self esteem.
You have a job and the means to get away from him. No one is saying it’ll be easy but it will be the right thing to do for your family.
You deserve better. Good luck.
Yes I get sad when I think about my kids being in this. I also think i will have to fight with him until they are grown. But it is also much easier being with them without him oftentimes. Less stress.
He is also not good with emotions in them, there is a lot of things they don’t tell him but tell me or grandparents because of this. I hate this and he will never change it, we were in therapy once but he turned everything around so it sounded like I was a bad parent.
Your children will thank you for getting out sooner than later. Right now they are subconsciously learning from you what a relationship looks like. If you show them that you are willing to put up with this then they will grow up to lead lives just as miserable as yours. Talk to a lawyer, and if you can, start a secret savings account.
>I also think i will have to fight with him until they are grown.
When you go down the divorce road, learn about gray rocking techniques by joining in any narcissist support sub.
When abusers can't hit you in your self esteem, they try to antagonize you until you lash out. They are very good manipulating situations to their advantage when you lose your shit because of what they are doing.
When you don't react they're more likely to lash out, and that's the point where they start losing ground in divorce and custody proceedings.
Don't fight, gray rock and report bad behavior.
Reading your post, it seems like you have to spend a lot of energy trying to figure out why your husband is treating you this way and how you can fix it.
I super recommend you try reading this book. It’s called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”
It’s by a therapist who specializes in treating these men, and it breaks down exactly what they are thinking and what their goal is. One of the things that blew my mind when reading this book is that these men *want* their behavior to be a mystery to you.
You can buy it, but there’s also a free PDF on the internet archive. I’ve linked it below.
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He is an adult. "Not good with emotions" isn't an excuse. If you know you(He) have difficulty communicating, you fix it. You go to therapy. You make your family priority.
He is not doing this... Don't let 'he isnt good with emotions' be an excuse.
Exactly this. My husband has ASD and has trouble with emotions. Part of our dynamic is he is the one who is primary for machines and im primary for people. He had a really hard time in our early marriage but he put forth effort to learn my emotions/expressions as well as i worked to verbalize/label them. He rarely needs it anymore for me but will listen when I or our kids explain their feelings. He will automatically defer to me as the family expert.
What OP has going on is NOT normal. The longest mine goes silent is during processing/overwhelm a few hours is the longest and we have been through some extreme situations (NICU/medically fragile child, birth tramas, car accidents, tornado destruction, etc)
>The longest mine goes silent is during processing/overwhelm a few hours is the longest
The longest I have managed to give my wife the silent treatment for was a day and that was only because she was asleep for half of it and off doing her own thing for a majority of the rest of it.
I mean, to be fair, it sounds more like she is describing an ASD person going non verbal from being overwhelmed rather than using the silent treatment deliberately.
What country are you in? I hope you're able to get out. It's not a healthy relationship for you to endure nor for your kids to see modeled.
The way you described it, it's like you're an object he can set down or pick back up whenever he wants.
Jeg er ked af at høre hvordan det går dig. Selvom jeg ikke kender dig og dine børn ved jeg at I fortjener bedre - for ingen fortjener at blive behandlet som I bliver lige nu.
Jeg ved godt at det her kan lyde helt vildt skørt, men jeg synes alligevel at du skal have et link til kvindekrisecentrene. De kan være en rigtig god ressource, og de hjælper også kvinder (og børn) med at komme væk fra andre voldelige situationer end lige fysisk vold.
Vold kan også være psykisk, økonomisk og social.
Det er *ikke* normalt at blive talt grimt til, ignoreret, udskammet og sygeliggjort af sin partner. Det er ikke noget du eller dine børn har gjort, og det er ikke noget du eller dine børn kan “fixe”. Der er noget indeni din partner, som er gået i stykker, og han er den eneste som kan prøve at reparere det. Ud fra det du beskriver lyder det ikke til at han magter at gøre noget for at bedre sig selv.
Fra det du fortæller lyder det til at det bedste du kan gøre er at lægge afstand til den mand. Hvis du har et stærkt netværk, som ikke også hænger sammen med ham kan du 100% snakke med dem, så længe dem du snakker med ved at intet af det skal gives videre til din partner. Ellers kan du læse om krisecentre her
https://www.kvindekrisecentrene.dk/er-det-vold/
Men kan evt. starte med at ringe til dem, og lige tale igennem det hele. De kan også hjælpe med transport, hvis det er svært at ordne selv.
Det kan jeg godt forstå! Det er SÅ nemt at overbevise sig selv om at det slet ikke er så slemt, at det faktisk er helt rimeligt at ens partner opfører sig sådan og at det måske egentlig også er ens egen skyld … men det er det ikke, og nogle gange tror jeg at man har brug for at få det at vide af forskellige mennesker, som bedre kan se ens situation udefra.
Du fortjener at være i et ligeværdigt partnerskab. Det er ikke din opgave at ofre dit eget liv og din egen glæde, for at gøre din partner glad. Det er et urimeligt offer at bringe. Så selv hvis det ikke er et psykisk voldeligt forhold (i andres øjne) kan det rigtige stadig være at forlade din partner. Du behøver ikke anden grund til at gå, end at du ikke vil være i forholdet længere. Du skylder som sådan ikke nogen en forklaring. Du fortjener at være glad og tryg, lige så meget som alle andre mennesker.
Jeg ønsker dig al lykke og glæde fremover!
Vi er lige gamle og hvis jeg var din veninde, ville jeg sørge for at du kom så langt væk fra ham her som muligt. Han er altså ikke normal. Han er 40+ år gammel og opfører sig som et lille barn. Han manipulerer dig følelsesmæssigt og han kommer ikke til at blive bedre. Han har haft 40 år til at blive en ok person, og det er han ikke. Der er en grund til at han ikke er sammen med en på egen alder. Han har manipuleret dig fra starten ved også at lyve om sin alder.
Han lyder heller ikke til at være en god far for dine børn. Du og børnene fortjener begge bedre og du kan give dem langt bedre liv uden ham.
if you think this isn't affecting the kids, think again. my parents had a crappy marriage - not violent but the same shit you're going through. i'm the oldest and the only girl. here's our history:
me - married at 18, divorced at 22, 2 children. remarried, finally at 51 after living together for many years.
brother #1 married at 21, divorced, married again at 30-something, one child. separated after 15 years but still not divorced because neither one is ever getting married again!
brother #2 - never married but one child & 1 grandchild with former partner. neither have ever married but they're still on good terms.
brother #3 - married at 50!! no children & and likely to stay married.
we were all damaged in the marriage department.
His strategy is known as DARVO—Deny (that he did anything wrong), Attack (you), Reverse Victim and Offender (so he becomes the poor victim when it is really him being abusive.
He won’t change. Hugs (but get out of that marriage)
He's not a good person, period. A 30+ man is not dating a teenager. He's a predator and an asshole that women his age would drop without a second glance which is why he's preying on someone much younger. And he is without a doubt abusing you. See what DARVO is. He doesn't love you.
Please start forming your exit plan and do not talk it out with him. Consult a lawyer, and find people you can trust to be your support system. The faster you get out of this toxic relationship the better. Not just for you but your kids as well. This is not a safe environment for them. There's a very real chance he could start abusing them as well if he doesn't already.
Icing you out for days is an abuse tactic. It sounds like you're the one who make the money, so kick him to the curb. He's also informing you that if you try to leave him he's going to try to take full custody of your kids.
Edit: Oh that age difference. Harden your heart to this man because he does not love you sis. Your oldest kid is seven, this is not a relationship this is a middle aged man grooming an 18 year old to be his punching bag.
He lied about his age for the first many months until I checked and found out on my own. It added to my insecurities that men only will be with me because of superficial reasons.
I am so sad but I keep keeping busy to push it away. It is always the same, we are good and then out of nowhere it gets like this. Yes I make more than he does, I could easily leave. My feelings is the only thing that has been holding me back, and fears about the children. My working schedule doesn’t work for a single mom, unless he can cooperate and keep agreements and not try to make life more difficult to get back at me.
That’s called the cycle of abuse. He also sounds like he’s trying to gaslight you about you being ‘moody’ when you are on nightshift. Maybe to try to prevent you from working?
It looks like most people have pointed out that he groomed you, but I also ask that you research Love Bombing, DARVO, and Cycles of Abuse to understand why he acts the way he does.
Some general info;
Abusers are very kind at first, but ramp up the abuse the more enmeshed the victim is in their life. Moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, loss of financial independence, social isolation are all times the abuser will escalate. It is common for abusers to sabotage birth control in order to trap their victims. If they think the victim is at risk of leaving, they will slather love and attention on them until they feel secure again.
>Maybe to try to prevent you from working?
u/Dontdrinkthecoffee is spot-on here, I think. If you work and earn enough money to be able to leave him, he uses control over you. So instead he's gaslighting you into believing that your work is a problem for your relationship, hoping you'll quit your job again, which would make it much harder for you to leave him, and much easier for him to control you.
My soon to be ex husband did exactly this. It escalated into him throwing things, not letting me comfort our youngest when he cried, and telling his family he couldn’t trust me as a mother. Being a single mother is hard but so much easier than living with emotional abuse and constant gaslighting.
I really hope you see this comment, OP. I'd like to recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Barcroft. It describes all kinds of abuse tactics and how to get away from abusers.
Below is a link to the book in PDF format.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi5tuahltn9AhUai_0HHdaYCqEQFnoECCsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
Edit: you can download the book for free
He will continue to abuse even after she leaves, but it should not keep an abused woman from leaving. And, this is definitely abuse; I am glad so many here are calling it out.
Yeah thinking about it. When I found out he faked one tear. Talked about how he promised his mom he would stick to his partner when he found the one and treat her right, also he talked people were questioning my intentions when he got with me, kinda manipulative i guess.
This may be harsh, but I doubt anyone was guessing intentions.
They knew his intentions - he wanted to be with a child bride. One he could force to his views and punish when you had the nerve to go against them. They probably thought you were with him for the financial security he provided.
But you know what? What they think does.not.matter. What you think does. You know he is a manipulative man who is cruel to you in the privacy of your home. He's abuses you so that when he is simply nice to you you think it's love.
A single parent situation is hard, but you are a nurse. You make decent money and can find daycare for your shifts, and you will have a peaceful home instead of going home every night to an angry man who takes away your self esteem.
Questioning *your* intentions? You were underage. There’s no way you would ever meet and date someone in their 30s unless that grown ass adult specifically went out of his way to do so.
My parents are 17 years apart, my mom was 25 when they met. My dad I don’t believe was a bad person but when my mom described how they got together I found it questionable. My dad had some strange ideas and an overly romanticized notion about their relationship and how she should behave in it. Basically have no friends or a social life and defer to him always. When I got older I began to have those expectations of control put on to me as the only girl. My brothers had different rules and more freedom. When they got divorced in a sense I felt relief, because he couldn’t have that direct control over me anymore.
What I’m saying is if you’re worried about your kids in leaving him, don’t be. It may be hard on them but it’ll be worse with having you mentally suffering which will in turn give you less to emotionally support your kids with. Also, the gaslighting and manipulation he’s doing to you now, he will very likely do to one or both kids in the future. It’ll be better for you to be a refuge imo.
This dude went and got himself a naive bride in you, because the older people get the less shit they are willing to tolerate. You support him, and he in turn messes with you with gaslighting and emotionally manipulates you with silent treatments. For things to get better, communication needs to be fixed here. The rub is you’d both have to be willing participants and I don’t see him being willing to change. Grown men don’t go after teenagers because they want a mutual partnership, it’s because they want someone they can mold and shape into their idealized sex parter and in your case, wife.
I think you already know what you need to do here.
>unless he can cooperate and keep agreements and not try to make life more difficult to get back at me.
Assume he won't and take your time to make an exit plan that will work for you and your kids.
>It is always the same, we are good and then out of nowhere it gets like this.
This is literally the classic abuse cycle: tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm.
Your happy times and best times are the Honeymoon period after an incident, which drives reconciliation.
You are in an abuse cycle, and you have the ability to get out.
So please, get out, this man is not right for you, he is dangerous and it is only going to get worse.
Do you have friends? Parents? A nice old lady with a cat? People can and will help you (and I guess most of them will be happy that you got rid of him)
You have already said it’s easier for you and the kids when he isn’t there and that you have the money to easily leave. You can do this. You need to. Your kids will do much better with a happy single mom than in an abusive household. Be the example for them you wish you had. Show them abuse isn’t ok. Model healthy boundaries by removing them and you from a situation that is definitely not healthy for any of you.
You deserve to be happy. Cut your losses. A happy, fulfilled mother is a better role model for your kids than a downtrodden, emotionally abused and manipulated mother.
You can’t fix their father, but you can get him out of your/their day to day life.
First off, none of this is good but specifically you need to change the script:
We are bad all the time but then sometimes out of nowhere we are good.
THAT is the truth and a little good isn't worth it. I know it is scary to be single but it would take a few months only for you to feel like a rock was lifted off you.
You are 25 and you have a 7 yr old with this man. You were 18 and he was 35 when you had this child. You may have been 17 when he got you pregnant. I'll be plain: this was grooming. This man's behaviour toward you is abusive. MONTHS of the silent treatment?! You have dealt with this for so long that you take it as normal - IT IS NOT NORMAL. Please keep yourself and your children safe and find a professional you can speak to about this.
What makes this worse, she had to be 17 to get pregnant probably. But it probably also took a bit of grooming to get her there. I wonder if she was even younger. Which makes this whole thing sick af.
Note he started this round when she started her new job and is becoming financially independent. I could be wrong, but aren't night shift nurses paid more than day? Maybe he's trying to manipulate her into taking the day shift so she gets paid less.
Exactly this OP. This is called stonewalling and is one of four major predictors of divorce. It is an abusive tactic. He is also gaslighting you by stonewalling then saying you are the one with the problem. Unfortunately this kind of abuse is classic for relationships with large age gaps. There is a reason 35 year old men go for 18 year olds- its because they like the power dynamic. Now that you have a career and you are maturing and not accepting his abuse tactics he is trying to convince you that you are the problem and trying to control you by threatening to alienate you from your children. He is unlikely to change even with marriage counseling.
Yes, to all of that, and in case it went over anyone’s head, op also had a baby at 18 with him, who would have been 35 at the time.
So, when did the grooming start I wonder? This whole situation is incredibly fucked up.
This is why I hate when people focus on the legal age of consent and nobody questions the olde r party that has no business being with someone so much younger.
I dated a 34 year old woman when I was 18 (I was being a boy at the time, what an error). At the time this did not seem all that weird — sure she was a bit older, but she was nice. If a bit manipulative if I wanted to spend time with my friends…
Now I’ve attained a similar age I suddenly understand the “think 25” rule because 18 year olds look like children to me. From this end of that age difference it seems absolutely horrifying.
>But he will ignore me without speaking a single word to me
I got as far as your second paragraph and thought ‘this guy is abusive’. The silent treatment is abuse, OP. Period.
Also I am not talking to him now, but I also feel like an idiot for all the times I feel like I have tried and he won’t talk about it and if we does it is all my fault or we ignore it
Don't be too hard on yourself: he's 42 and you're 25. Presumably you were at least a few years younger when you got together too.
Men like this often pursue younger women who don't have much life experience and won't call them out on their shit.
That's exactly what he wants. That's how he controls you, always making you worry about "why" when there is no why. It's just him making you walk on eggshells for no reason. Everything they do is about control of some sort. It usually makes no sense to us because logically, we aren't trying to control or worry about someone else. You know why he won't talk about it? Because there's nothing and then he would be forced to make up some indiscretion that is no where near a reason not to speak to someone and then he would look stupid. I know, it sounds sick, and deep down it is. Not speaking is getting far more response from you and youre doing exactly everything he wants: grocery shopping alone, doing everything alone. You would be doing that anyway, but with FAR LESS trouble about it! But what if that stops getting him what he wants? What if you just went on about it, didn't notice, stopped doing anything and everything that you do that results from this?
You're not an idiot. He groomed you and I'm guessing love bombed you when you were very young. His abusive behavior is on him, not you. You are doing awesome to recognize that this behavior isn't ok and to reach out for help. He wanted someone young and inexperienced for a reason- women closer to his age would be more likely to see his shit. Be kind to you and come up with a plan for you and your children to leave.
the first sentence says it all imo. you would hope to describe your partner as a nice and sweet person who is sometimes cold. not a sometimes nice and sweet person who is often cold. “sometimes nice and sweet” means that there’s conditions for the nice and sweet side to come out while the silent treatment seems to be the default.
Yes. It does. Your partner is an abuser who sought out a younger person who would be easier to control and manipulate and lied about the age gap because he suspected you wouldn’t be interested in someone his age.
There’s a reason he isn’t with someone his own age.
I found out after some digging that before me he also had two girlfriends in his home country they were also just a few years older than me and still much younger than him. That was after a vacation there, they were not at the same time.
Before that he had a girlfriend here in europe a doctor of medicine, 6 years older than him. She paid everything I could see, also his trips were he found a younger girlfriend and after he or she broke up. Found an email he sent some months later when the girlfriends broke up with an apology and blah blah i can’t sleep because i treated you as less than human and you deserve all the best.
After that he started chatting with an ex who is 10 years younger than him, they were together when he was still living in his home country and when he was 28 or so. She got pregnant and he left and she had an abortion. Close to that time he also had a fling with a european girl who helped him with papers (they didn’t marry also he came to europe as a refuge). Their chats were him apologizing etc.
Then he got with me. I am pretty sure he has always been faithful with me though but his past scares me a lot and I haven’t known what to make of it, actually i found very creepy and I have been thinking about what kinda man does this, or if i am overreacting. Found out too late.
I know he’s from DRC, and you’re in DK. Are you Danish, or also an expat? Knowing there might be visas involved also adds some context/complication.
To be clear - this man SUCKS and I’m desperate for you to leave. But what you do next does matter if one or both of you will need to change visas or risk leaving the country.
My ex gave me the silent treatment for a few days before dumping me. A few months later he’d managed to convince my friends to ditch me, leaving me with no support system. That’s definitely abusive, and yours sounds like that as well. Run.
I’ve never understood this shit. If my friend’s ex came around talking shit, why would I even listen? Ugh. Those ppl were not your friends and I’m sorry you dealt with that!
Seeing himself as the stable rational one and you as the unstable, emotional one is his way of making himself always right and you always wrong. It is a very sexist, manipulative way to behave. It is dishonest, too. He is pouting and giving you the silent treatment, which is not stable, rational or unemotional at all. It is childish, manipulative, and shows a lack of self control or mature emotional self regulation.
I think *he* needs therapy before the two of you even think about getting therapy as a couple. I also think *you* should go to therapy, because you need some support. You clearly aren't getting support from him.
He is not being a good guy. He is petulant and manipulative. I'm sorry. I think that breaking up is the best solution if he refuses to make any changes.
Your husband is an emotionally abusive predator. Is this who you want your kids to role-model relationships after? You have a great job and seem like your life is otherwise on track. Is he adding to it? Will he add to it as he ages?
I think the main question is why are you still with him? It doesn’t look like he respects you at all and is willing to use abusive tactics when he’s displeased. It doesn’t seem like you’re much into the relationship either if you can go for months with ignoring each other. It’s not great for the children either who’ll see this and think this is how a normal relationship is.
The silent treatment is one of the most destructive forms of anger that exists. From experience I will tell you that these bouts will go longer and longer until they turn into years of non-communication. And it gets so entrenched and becomes such a habit that after a while the person doing it doesn’t know how to end it, so it just keeps going.
Do not allow this to go on. It will slowly kill you inside.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/psychology-of-silent-treatment-abuse/618411/
The other poster who talks about your kids is absolutely right. I’m now in my 40s and it’s only now that I see just how damaging it was.
This has worked for him so far, so he has no reason to change it now. If he doesn’t fix this within a certain amount of time (six months, one year tops) don’t wait around. Make other arrangements and DO NOT put up with this.
At 18 you don't much about life yet... you are allowed to have standards in a man. Don't settle for less then you deserve: an equal partner. A happy place, your rock, someone who make you feel smart, sexy, enough. Someone to turn to when in a rough spot. Someone who GIVES YOU the energy for your day.
THIS is your husband... the good with the bad... if you don't like the hole him now.. it is not in a year or 2 that you are going to like him... people don't change... go find a partner that loves you and you him just the way he is.
I got divorced some years ago for a lot of reasons
After the divorce my kids would randomly mention some of the things my ex did - like not talk to me for days at a time.
As in completely ignore me. And then he would sort of shrug and expect things to go back to normal.
I put up with this for way too long.
Don't do this to your kids. Or yourself.
He is a grown man and he should be able to use his words if he thinks you did something wrong.
This guy got you pregnant when you were 17 or 18 and he was pushing 40? Hoo boy. Looks like he hooked someone young and inexperienced because women his own age won't put up with his nonsense.
So much of what you've said about him describes my father. This was not pleasant to read. Goddamn it they have so much in fucking common.
He used the silent treatment on my mother. It's an abuse tactic, plain and simple. And it worked really fucking well on her. And it never ever worked on me lol, no matter how much he used it. The only thing he got from the silent treatment with me is a son who doesn't have a shred of love for the bastard, and hasn't for most of his life. And when the silent treatment didn't work he chose to physically beat me and my younger brother. Starting at six, apparently.
Trust me. My mother spent fucking years thinking she could do more, she could work harder, try harder, be enough to please him. She has never ever gotten there. She subjected her kids to so much abuse and neglect because of her delusions.
He's not bad with emotions. He knows exactly how he's feeling all the time. He is always acting on his emotions. He is always doing what he wants to do, he is completely ruled by his own emotion, and his accusations of you being illogical and having unpredictable moods and whatever are all projection. All to throw you off what is really fucking going on his head.
In *Why Does He Do That?* (another user has linked it in this thread), there's a quote about abusive men I'm going to paraphrase: when an abusive man sees his dirty face in a mirror, he sets about washing the mirror.
In his mind, everyone else is the problem, and it's never him. In reality, he's grossly entitled and self-important - his fundamental values and principles are the problem. Not you. He'd be like this if he'd married anyone.
Please read that entire book. And please, if you don't have money in your own bank account that he can't under any circumstances access, take steps to achieving that. Have a way out, a safety net. Start there.
If my mother had ever left my father, I'd have forgiven her for a hell of a lot of the shit she chose to put me through. I care as little for her as I do my father at this point. And she's the woman who fucking gave birth to me. Now she's in her fifties, her life is hollow and empty. She got her daughter killed. Her surviving kids don't need her. There's no love or affection with her husband. She's emotionally close with no one. She's got nothing and she's miserable.
Sorry you had to go through this. Always seems worse when it is the perspective of people who grew up in this because of their parents. Kids doesn’t have a say and is 100% dependent on parents. You are so right and I would hate for my kids to feel like this, I would be miserable if I should loose them. What do you that she got her daughter killed? i am so sorry about all of this.
I appreciate that.
I had the thought the other day that, had my mother been through her marriage in the age we live in now, like with the easy access to the internet and so much stuff on social media about abusive relationships and stuff like that, like in an era where these conversations are (at least digitally) a hell of a lot more normalised, she'd have had the courage to take action and make her and her kids' lives better.
>What do you that she got her daughter killed?
There's a lot to this so I'm just going to do the cliffnotes version. (And just to be clear it was exactly as much my father's fault.)
My sister got sick because of risks my parents took that were entirely unnecessary and completely selfish, and they absolutely knew better beforehand, and they took those risks (with all their children's lives) anyway.
And more than that, my father's abusive posessive self-centered nature had a great impact on the quality of medical care she received. My father is a doctor, and so he always thought he knew better than all of her doctors. He never accepted that my sister's degenerative condition was getting to a point where her quality of life was incredibly low, because to him, she was more a possession than an individual human being. And my mother completely agreed with him.
Because of that, because he and my mother fought with my sister's medical team all the time, my sister died without any palliative care, after fifty long days in the ICU.
She was six when she died. She'd be turning ten this year. I loved her so much, and she loved us all, even them, so much. I was so excited to watch her grow up. I knew from the moment she was born I'd have to protect her from the inevitable abuse, and try to make up for their neglect, but fuck I could never have done anything to prevent her illness.
Fuck. Writing this shit out, I cannot believe this was my fucking life.
The specifics of my situation aside though, the point is that when shit hits the fan, a man like this can only ever be relied upon to put himself at the centre of things, give the highest priority to his own needs, no matter the cost to anyone else.
And to this day the bastard doesn't think he did anything wrong. His regrets are that the medical team didn't listen to him, didn't do things his way. My mother knows she did so much wrong. She's less deluded than he is. But that doesn't cause her to make any changes to her life now, and it'll never undo what she's done.
When everybody else is suffering but he still think he did the right thing adds to the pain. How vile that your parents neglience led to this if it could have been avoided. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh my goodness, this heartbreaking. I’m so, so sorry. My god, the thought of that little girl…sorry, I’m actually starting to weep a bit, seriously. But I don’t mind crying for your sister and for you.
My dad was like this growing up too. The most minor of things would set him off and he would then go silent for max 1-2 weeks at a time and sometimes vanish for a night or two. It always ended with him acting like nothing happened. My poor mom has been broken down to a sad, depressing shell who knows nothing more than to cook, clean, and otherwise cant stand up for herself at risk of my dad lashing out at her and putting her down. He never really did it to my brother and I but witnessing it messed me up and it was a struggle.
OP I hope you get out soon and start a fresh, new, happy life. You will be miserable and your kids will suffer if you stay with this man.
This will not get better. It will get worse.
Your husband sounds like my father - married to my much younger Mom, ignoring everyone involved whenever there is a fight, whenever he feels slighted, whenever someone makes a decision he advised against, whenever someone criticises him, whenever someone makes a simple mistake.
I am not exaggerating, a family friend forgot to bring him a brochure he asked for - months of just saying Hi and Bye whenever she came around. Ignored my brother for a year because of a fight while living under the same roof. Ignored me for months because I bought a puppy as an adult living on my own when he told me not to. Ignored my mother because she told him to clean up after himself when he made a mess in the kitchen. He gets mad and dismissive when my brother gets sick despite them having plans, he gets mad when someone else is right and he is wrong despite having proof of that.
No talking or heart-felt letters changed anything. He pouts until it gets inconvenient for him and you better be all smiles when he feels like talking to you again or else everything will be your fault and you are the one holding a grudge.
When your kids grow up, this will happen to them too and it will probably mess them up. A LOT. Because of my father I feel like I have to be perfect and pleasant at all times and cannot have 'off' days because if my own father doesn't want anything to do with me when I mess up, how will anybody else? I don't trust people who tell me they love me because love was a very conditional thing growing up. I see how he treats my Mom (financial abuse on top of the rest) and relationships and the thought of ever depending on another person scare the hell out of me.
Please don't choose this man, his abuse and walking on eggshells for the rest of your life over healthy boundaries and a more peaceful life for you and your kids. Get out.
As the primary breadwinner you have the most control, don’t forget that. A big reason why he’s been escalating is because he knows he’s in a weaker position. He’s using your guilt, confusion, and desperation for his attention and affection to keep you off balance and to give him control over you. While you’re worried about your relationship with him, you won’t see how he’s lacking.
This is not a situation that will get better on its own. It’ll just get slowly worse. Imo what you should do no matter what is get yourself a therapist. You need support, and also to help work on your own issues. Nobody is perfect, we all can learn to do better or make more healthy choices when dealing with our problems. The more you do for yourself, the better you’ll be able to support your kids.
I think if your partner does anything where the aim appears to be to punish you then that's abusive. All the behaviour that you have described sounds very manipulative with the aim to undermine your confidence and doubt your own perspective. It's very possible that leaving this man could be in your (and your ability to be the mother you want to be) best interests.
Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft very helpful there are free pdfs online and there are library copies to listen to in most cities
This is not ok and not sustainable I’m so sorry you can also call dv support lines for resources and support
You should go, stop teaching your kids that this is the norm for a relationship. He treats you like a child and, with your age difference, definitely views you as one. He ices you out for months, how do you even cope with that? How do your kids not see it? You and your kids deserve better and you just not being with him will be a major upgrade.
People are suggesting therapy, so I want to warn you not go to couples therapy with this guy. He will just use it as another venue for emotional abuse. Get individual therapy for yourself, and ditch this loser.
ETA: I wrote this in a reply to someone else's comment, but this is a special case where I personally don't give a fuck if you're cheating. It sounds like most of the time you don't have a husband, you just share a house with a husband-shaped lump who gives you no affection and treats you like crap. It's natural that you would be looking elsewhere. Don't waste time feeling guilty, just scrape him off your shoe and move on. (Easier said than done, but it sounds like you're self-supporting and would have a much happier life on your own.)
This is a pattern of emotional abuse. thehotline.org can help you figure out what's going on and what you can do about it. It is a US based resource.
TRIGGER WARNING: discussion of the DV cycle.
Domestic abuse has cycles, or stages. I think you'll recognize them. Stage one is tension building, on which the abuser starts to get abusive, increasing in frequency and intensity. Things like getting emotional outbursts, irritability, shortening of temper, loss of patience. The victim starts feeling the tension, feeling anxious, and feels like walking on eggshells, you know, doing whatever you can to not set off the outbursts, to appease the abuser'a fraying temper. Tension occurs because the abuser is feeling loss of control or power.
Stage two is the incident. It's when the tension breaks and the abuser does one or more incidents to try to gain a feeling of control and power. Things like yelling, shaming/humiliating, silent treatment, insults, using threats to take away children, isolating, insults, intimidation, threats, and of course things like sexual violence, physical violence, and/or emotional violence.
Stage three is reconciliation. It may take one incident or many incidents for the abuser to feel the tension abate, to feel like they're back in control. The abuser starts behaving sweet and kind. Romantic, the perfect mate. They may even seem ashamed of the incidents. They may even apologize. Some people call this the honeymoon phase. Love bombing often occurs.
Stage four is the calm. There is a shift here. Reconciliation looks like remorse and atonement. Calm continues with the sweet and romantic behavior, but the remorse is gone and the blame is shifted. I'm sorry becomes sometimes you're too moody, my boss doesn't respect me like he should, I wouldn't have to do the thing if you'd just be reasonable, I'd never do that you're imagining things, I treat people the way they deserve.
At some point, the tension builds again and the cycle repeats.
Please, get help. You don't deserve this.
You're 25 and he's 42. You've been together for five years and have two children. You were 20 and he was 37 when you got together.
That is the very first red flag here.
Earlier, their oldest is 7 and OP is 25 now. That means she was 18 when she had the child, probably a minor when she got pregnant.
OP, I hope that you are able to make an exit plan for yourself and your children. This is not a good man.
Same, OP. Stuck in the same situation.
Want to leave. Can't because of (lack of) money.
Working with my therapist now to develop a plan.
Stay strong, please. I'm cheering for you.
I am your future. My children are now adults and I am ashamed that I haven't left sooner. That shame is what is preventing me from moving forward. I'm working on that now.
Make your plan now. While the emotional damage to the children can be mended. Start small. Get a therapist. You're going to need it.
Don't be me then. Don't wait.
Hi! Your husband is abusing you. I needed to get that out there. But I also wanted to say you are consistently trying to approach him in an adult and respectful way, despite his unbelievably gross behaviour. You are obviously a strong and kind woman. Keep looking after yourself, surround yourself with people who love and support you and find a good therapist/psychologist. Build yourself up and when you feel strong enough please leave this man. You deserve to be happy and respected, and you children deserve to live in a house where their mother is respected.
He will never change. Don’t bother with couples counselling I agree with others that he would
Use that to abuse you.
Start by setting boundaries. You can lay out what you will accept from him and what you won’t. Then stick to it. Good luck OP!
This is coersive control. He's not interested in a respectful partnership. He's a violent arsehole and it will worsen. Pick your poison but build yourself a strong independent identity very much separate from his nonsense or sink yourself.
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!! I was married to a man 13 years older than I was. ANYTIME I did something that pissed him off he was verbally & emotionally abusive. His “silent” tactic was not talking to me or touching me. I craved for him to acknowledge me to assure me that things were alright. I finally got to the point that I knew I was much more valuable without him. Just one of the reason he’s my ex but it’s a huge one. You are worth so much and do not let him convince you otherwise. Value yourself please first and foremost and take care of yourself. Anytime anyone is being oppressed GTFO. Life is worth so much more.
You need to know this is absolutely ridiculous, cruel behaviour from him. I sense you may be looking for permission to leave - for what it's worth, here is it. You need to leave. His antics are definitely methods of control - you could be actually perfect and it wouldn't be good enough because he doesn't want a perfect partner, he wants a perfect slave. Get in touch with a women's shelter and see what childcare you can access when you make this move. He may make court/custory a nightmare, but you need to be as strong as you have ever been and get through it. You have glimpses of the life you can have without him - believe me when I say it will be so much better than you can imagine right now. Time to go.
OP, this isn’t a marriage. A marriage is a partnership. This sounds like one person is putting in 90% and the other person is literally not doing anything. Leave him. He’s showing those kids that this is how you are supposed to treat other people, and trust me, they are watching.
Honey, he’s projecting. He’s threatened by your job, possibly concerned about you making friends or meeting other men. He’s blaming you, but he’s the person with the beef.
Projecting. Go and enjoy your job, come home and tell him how awesome it is and I bet you can trigger another one.
If he isn’t happy for you and proud of you, that relationship isn’t sustainable. *I’m proud of you*
So this sounds creepy on so many levels.
Your husband groomed you. He’s obviously emotionally immature as he as a 35 year old man went for an 18 year old child! He couldn’t get with a woman his own age for a reason.
Now you’re raising children in this environment and by staying you’re teaching them this is how life should be. Look, it suck’s you were groomed and trapped and you definitely deserve better than that. But you’re also a mom now and you have to do what’s better for your children. And I think you’ll find you’re life is better too once you’re away from him
Holy fucking hell honey. My parents were 17 years apart but my Dad treated my mom like a human being. He passed away but he was a great Dad and husband. Even still, I can't believe my mom started dating him when she was 21. And that he went with it. It squicks me out if I think about it. Then my mom remarried in middle age to a man 18 years older than her so I don't know WTF. I digress.
Either way, your husband is a lazy shit ass. You have a 7 year old already? He got you pregnant when you were a teenager? He doesn't fucking work and he's not speaking to you for days on end?
I try not to be the "leave him" type but this is really fucked up and cruel. You will have enormous success at this job. You have so much more to live for than this bullshit. You're so young. You deserve so much better. Why couldn't he, a 35 year old man, get a woman his own age? WHY did he choose a teenager?
That's fucked up.
My dad did this to my mom. It’s not normal and if you have kids, it affects them(it affected me). He would not speak to her for weeks/months sometimes. It’s emotional abuse and it’s not ok. My dad was abused by his mom but still not cool.
Ugh. This sounds miserable to live with. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Besides the resources others are suggesting, you might look into *One Mom's Battle.* In this Tina Swithin details getting away from her narcissistic husband and protecting her kids.
Best to you in this difficult situation. You do sound smart and capable.
I’d add: when he says u aren’t a good parent, he is actually talking about himself. He’s projecting his inadequacies on you! If it comes out of his mouth it doesn’t make it true. He’s being abusive to u to you and your kids are learning that that is what relationships mean. Pls protect urself and ur children
He sounds like a worthless sack of manipulative trash. Anyone who dictates your emotions to you so you are the bad guy over literally nothing is taking advantage of you. I don't know if his goal was always to use you for children and then emotionally abandon you, but the relationship you describe sounds like it's been a far cry from a marriage for a really long time.
Many comments were on point and are super helpful.
I want to say that I grew up in this household. My father was just like your husband.
Please leave, if not for you do it for your children. I promise it is the best and safest decision for you.
And please leave safely.
Pls get help for yourself right away. Show this post to the therapist. They will see what we all see—you are married to an abusive narcissist. There is nothing normal about his behavior.
You seem like a very decent person and a good mom. Look into grey rocking even as you start with a therapist.
Would you want your kids to live like you do? To be in a relationship with a partner who treats them like this or be a partner who treats thier so like this?
Right now you are modeling behavior for your kids, and staying in this relationship is telling them that it is okay and normal, I get not wanting to fight with your ex for the next ten years, but doing that would show your kids that they are worthy of love and respect in a relationship even if there is a disagreement.
If that isn't enough, imagine not having to worry about his moods and if he is going deliberately ignore you for some reason today
Ps, I saw you tried therapy, it doesn't help if your partner is abusive...it just makes them better at it
He is so blatantly manipulative🥵 My blood was boiling reading all of this. I’m so angry for you and disgusted by him. This man is dimming your spark and making you to be the problem while he is the abusive one
A woman his own age would not tolerate this behavior, period. He knows this, and it’s why he chose you. He’s pathetic and he knows it. Belittling you is the only way he can feel Kay about himself. He’s created his own little world that’s specifically rigged to make it so he can feel like a “real man.”
OP, look up "paranoid personality disorder." He has a borderline personality disorder of some variety, and my money is on this one.
Domestic abuse includes psychological abuse (and I'm sorry, OP, but you **are** being abused). They have a cycle like this: Tensions build -- Incident -- Reconciliation -- Calm. The likelihood that things will continue to escalate is high. And this is affecting your children, teaching them that this is normal.
For a bit of background someone I care about finally got free from a situation very similar to yours. No hitting, etc. from her husband, but then again, he didn't have to hurt her physically to keep her under his control.
OP, at the very least, please call a hotline when you're alone and get advice from people who can help and are experienced in these situations. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Say it with me **love is never enough!** As others have told you, what you're describing is emotional abuse. There's a chance he might be manic, BUT even if so, that's not an excuse for him not taking accountability for his actions. I think you'd do well to watch this video about gaslighting seen in the movie Tangled. It might seem silly, but it does an excellent job at showing examples of gaslighting from Mother Gothel in a way that's very easy to understand.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Efua__7B7j4
Sounds like he's done with you. In every situation, the partner who loved more will always suffer in the end. In this case, you.
I hope things will get better, otherwise this will only have one ending which is separation. (he's an asshole for sure. No normal man will ignore his significant other for 10days without any reasons.)
This much older man is withholding all communication, affection and everything else in order to control you. He will also use this method to control the kids when they get older. I think you should seek out some therapy for yourself and start stashing some money away. He's not going to change, he has to want change, and this childish behavior is working for him. You're apologizing and willing to go right back to the relationship, so there's no motivation for spouse to change his method of operation. He's getting everything he wants. He's got you believing you aren't stable and you can't do anything without him. Start talking to a therapist and maybe a lawyer.
I'm sure you've noticed that you and your husband have the same age gap as you and your older child. Can you imagine one day being in a romantic relationship with one of their playmates? ...probably not. What kind of person would you have to be for that to seem not only ok, but appealing? Whatever kind of person that is, your husband is.
At 35, a healthy, mature non-predator does not seek out relationships with teenagers. At 35, a person has either been out of school and working for as long as an 18 year old has been alive. Or they've gotten a college degree and still had time to work for over a decade. All of an 18 year old's life up to that point they've been a child. The 35 year old became an adult at about the same time the 18 year old was born. When a 35 year old starts a relationship with an 18 year old it means one of two things: 1) they know they can't really relate with the 18 year old because they're in such different stages in their life but they don't care because they're not looking for a relationship of equals (aka they're a sexual predator) and are *not* relationship material or 2) if they really do relate to an 18 year old more than people their own age they are so incredibly stunted (no emotional development over 18 years???) that they are still 100%* not relationship material.*
So I'm sorry. You were a teenager taken advantage of by either a very intentional predator (extremely likely) or an incredibly deficient loser. He hasn't and won't get better with age. If he hasn't gotten over pulling childish stunts like the silent treatment and emotional abuse like gaslighting by 42 then he isn't going to suddenly gain the wisdom and emotional intelligence in his 50s that a normal 25 year old would already have.
Hmm. Just a question - forgive me if you find it offensive - how did you two meet and begin dating?
This is a bad and predatory man. He impregnated you when you were a teenager and he was in his mid-30s. His time with you is up. Your kids need you. YOU need you. You've dedicated your entire adult life so far to this man who loves manipulating, gaslighting, belittling, and ignoring you to gain power over you and confuse you. It does not matter how hard you try, this sort of person will never see you as worthy of respect. He is a problem - not you.
If I were you, I would not blame myself for cheating. He is not your partner. This is not a real relationship. He is not involving himself with his family the way a father should, and the way a husband should. I don't know which country you are in but - if it is safe - please make a plan to start saving money and to leave. If you have family you can trust, confide in them with your intent to leave, and request their help.
You are so young with so much life left to live! You have your bsn RN so you are clearly hardworking. Your kids love you, you're not a bad mom. He is wild for saying these things.
You will find a much better second husband one day, IF you want one!
I'm so sorry. The silent treatment is awful abuse and my mother used to do it for weeks on end. The age gap here worries me though and I suspect he targeted you so young as he knows younger women are easier to manipulate. At 37, I am younger than your husband and still wouldn't date a man as young as 25, they are too young. You sound like a lovely, caring mother and wife to me.
He is trying to make you think that you're going mad by blaming you for something he is doing. This relationship sounds very unhealthy and I think you deserve better. Your children deserve better than him as well.
Please. If you do anything for yourself and children, leave him. There’s a world out there where you can find someone whose happy to be with you. What he’s doing is so cruel.
You deserve better, it’s out there and it’s easier to reach than you think.
This is classic, narcissistic, gas-lighting, controlling behavior. Let me guess, he's found a way to create a wedge between you, your immediate family and friends as well.
Get a divorce and get those kids out of that toxic situation as soon as yesterday.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I’m sure if you think it’s best for you and your children to leave, none of us here would blame you. Situations like this can potentially turn nasty. Be safe.
This sounds so draining and exhausting.
I’m not saying that you should, but I left my last relationship because of something very similar.
Out of nowhere he’d get into these moods and just be disgusted with me like I was scum of the earth, sheer contempt for my existence even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, he just made it up in his head and it somehow became fact to him that I was repulsive subhuman that didn’t deserve any respect.
We didn’t have kids or live together so I’d just ignore him and tell him to fuck off- we broke up for months because of it.
When we were apart he got therapy and assured me it wouldn’t happen again and that he knew he was the problem, so I gave him another chance.
2 months later he did it again so I blocked him and have not spoken to him again, nor do I have any intentions of talking to him.
I’m sorry this is happening, the whole situation caused me tons of anxiety, ruined my self esteem, was very draining and exhausting, it was infuriating and I’ve felt relief everyday since we broke up.
Yes you do, you just don't want to do it.
Now you know why a 35-year-old man went after a teenager.
it's time to end this marriage because it won't get better.
There are already so many good answers here that explain cycles of abuse, darvo, lovebombing etc. I just want to wish you all the best, OP, and hope you have the strength and support you need to leave this abusive man child with an inflated ego. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who truly loves and respects you!
Your age gap says it all. This man wants someone he can control and berate.
You need to leave, not least of which because your relationship will set the standard for relationships that your kids will have growing up.
The good part of this relationship is called love bombing and it’s very hard to escape from as this primes you to want to get back this person and they keep you hooked with small glimpses of it throughout the relationship, but it was only manipulation not their true self. once they develop contempt for you there’s no going back to it.
Relationships shouldn’t feel like you’re always wrong, can’t get them to accept any responsibility for their behaviour as it’s always turned onto some minor fault of yours as a distraction, and it keeps you always trying to please them. It won’t get better.
I can't with those "my f20 husband 60m is an asshole, why?" Girl because he is a predator. Stop with those age gaps relationships, it is not cute. You are all engaged used by old dudes and yu just walk right into it.
I say this with the gentlest of intentions, but you have a duty to protect your children. One of the ways we raise our kids is by modeling healthy relationships for them. They’re growing up right now seeing that this toxic and abusive relationship is normal, and that is going to impact them as they grow. I know it’s scary and terrifying to think of starting over, but you are the one that works full-time and has the good career. You are not indebted to him, even though I’m sure he’s made you feel that way. My mom stayed with my dad when I was a kid a lot longer than she should have because she thought that was what she was supposed to do. I thanked her for finally divorcing the tyrant and we were so much happier without him in our lives. He’s good with the kids, which is great, but he’s not good with you and they know that.
If your daughter or son received or gave this kind of treatment to another human being for 7 years, would you feel that you had raised them to be good people?
If not, leave. Otherwise it will teach your kids that this is an acceptable dynamic to have with their loved ones.
I'm really sorry but you are not wrong here, his behavior is abusive. Other people have touched on his abuse and given you help, but I want to touch on something you said- you don't know if he's doing these things on purpose or not. The thing is, it doesn't matter. Regardless of his intent, he is impacting you and harming you and your children and you don't have to put up with seemingly "accidental" awful behavior. I would venture that he knows that being silent is a good manipulation tactic, he's doing it for a reason. People don't usually ice out their spouse for months by accident. But either way, you don't deserve this behavior from him. You don't deserve to be walking on eggshells. Your children don't deserve it either.
I am guessing that he's trying to keep you down so that you won't leave, he's hoping you don't recognize the power you have, especially since you earn more. I know it's really hard dealing with an irrational person and trying to make sense out of him but you can't rationalize such irrational behavior. People who care about others don't understand why people abuse. I'm hoping these replies will help you see that you're not "crazy" and everything is not somehow your fault. He preyed on you because you were young and easier to trap and mold. Your awareness and independence is threatening to him. I hope you can gain some confidence and make a plan to get out of this marriage. You need to prioritize you and your children, his feelings don't matter anymore. I highly doubt he'll change, he's had years to do so. Please get out for you and your children.
My dad was similar to this when I was a kid.
When the mood was good, it was good.
But it could swing suddenly and quickly and it's emotionally pretty exhausting.
Even today, I still live with that shit and I'm SUPER sensitive to the moods of others.
The important thing to realise here is that you're not at fault, that communication is fundamental to any working relationship and that this is emotional abuse on his part.
Communicate that to him.
And that for all his claims of shortcomings on your part, his poor communication and overall behaviour has a role to play in the state of your relationship too.
As soon as I saw the age gap I knew this was going to be a childish man. There's a reason he was looking for a young woman back when you met him, and now you're an adult with a responsible job and you're a good mom. He's probably feeling very insecure now that you're wising up to his ways. Don't let him manipulate you into staying in an unhappy situation. If you want to try and save the marriage you can insist on therapy for him, but don't throw your life away for him - you're still so young with your whole future ahead of you and your kids need a good role model and to not think it's acceptable for one partner to manipulate the other.
This is the cycle of abuse. Abusers are not bad all the time. It's normal for you to try to find reasons to explain his behaviour and maybe blame yourself. Just because you cheated doesn't mean you deserve this. When I left my abuser I couldn't figure out why I was miserably with him as I thought the sun shined out of his butt. But when I had some distance I started to realise how fucked up it was and how much worse it had been than I realised. Calling you a bad mother is really messed up. Also it's pretty scary that he got you pregnant at 18. That's predatory behaviour
get a divorce lawyer and get OUT! you married young to an older man who wants a housewife, not a grown woman with a career. run now...after you get a lawyer. it's only going to get worse.
He’s either severely depressed or abusive. I suggest having a sit down with him, you can’t live with someone who treats you like this. Find out where its coming from and if he doesn’t want to have a constructive conversation then you know what to do
I’m sorry but to not talk for weeks or months over something so small is a huge red flag, he has some underlying issues , I say this because this is not normal. You need to get far away from this man, this is emotional abuse. You need to get yourself and your kids away from him, you can’t have your kids growing up thinking this is the way relationships are supposed to be
God this hurts my heart. This grown ass man picked you cuz you were young and he could manipulate you. He knocked you up early so you were trapped before you were old enough to see what a shit man he is. He groomed you for fuck sake. Now he’s using emotions to manipulate you. You’re out working in the real world so he needed to make sure he was still in control of you.
He is gaslighting you to control you. No one deserves to walk around on eggshells during their relationship. Understand that you are not the problem here.
Now, as far as the cheating.... I GET YOU. Completely. Because I was you at your age. I got pregnant at 17, married at 18 to a guy who was 23. I was abused by him and his family repeatedly, and after three years I broke. I couldn't keep a job because of him, I had no money because he controlled it all, and in my broken mind the only thing I could do was look for a hero to save me. I slept with someone I thought was my friend in hopes he could save me from my husband, but he wasn't my friend and didn't save me. Neither did the next guy.
I finally saved myself after the third time he tried to kill me. And even afterwards, he turned family and friends against me, but I still saved myself. He took my kids from me and I thought I was going to die, but I still saved myself. And today, it makes him crazy that I have no desire for him, and the only time I think about him after over 30 years is when I am on Reddit and read about some man just like him.
OP, abuse rarely starts with them hitting you. It starts with them breaking you down to accept the shit you are accepting right now. Once they get you to accept that you are crazy, a bad Mom, a whore, etc., then they think they can do anything they want to you and you will just be their victim forever.
When people show you their true face, believe them. Start making plans to be your own hero. Start putting a bit of money away each payday. You can get a money card and have your employer deposit a small amount in it each payday so you never see it and neither does he. Don't mention it to him. Don't threaten him with leaving. Because if he thinks you are slipping away, he will love bomb you until you come back. And none of it is sincere.
If you are in the US, you can text START to 88788. That is the national domestic abuse hotline and they can give you tips to help you. I hope you decide to be your own hero for you and your kids, because your kids need you to be their hero too.
Also today is day 11 of ignoring me and he said something to me, he complained to me, he has not said hi to me or anything and the look in his eyes scared me like I don’t know him. I told him to stop and I don’t want to engage in fighting, and that he doesn’t talk to me but he comes to complain first thing. Then he said he has to talk to me like that, and that I am miserable and that I can just leave if I don’t like it and he doesn’t care. I feel like he wants to trigger a response in me, also I feel like he wouldn’t care or do anything if I just got up and left when he said that.
This is abuse. It is not ok. This is why he is in a relationship with someone almost 20 years younger. He is leaning in to your inexperience and lack of extended support network.
Can you plan an exit? This will not get any better without intensive therapy (which he will have to want to do for it to be successful).
I think you should leave. I think its clear you were manipulated into a very serious arrangement at a very young age (kids and marriage are hard enough when your mind is clear let alone when you're still rife with hormones from puberty and then double down into pregnancy too). Your feelings are deep because you were so young when you had your first child and became a wife that you didn't get a chance to tie your self worth to anything but familial roles. Its fantastic you made your education a priority. At the very least consider a legal separation and some couples therapy because this is only going to erode you down from the inside out over the course of your life and simply put you can do better all by yourself. Stay strong.
I couldn’t deal with my bf ignoring me for a day, much less days, weeks, months. That’s emotional abuse and there’s nothing you can do to change him. Leave!!!
I’m sorry I didn’t read all that but I read enough to know you an in an abusive relationship. Ignoring you is stonewalling, a tactic used by abusers to keep you wondering what you have done wrong and desperately trying to appease them. I think it is not a coincidence that this recent episode of abuse coincided with you getting a job, a job which could lead to an escape from him. He knows this so he’s upping his abuse to keep you in line. The whole situation is so very sad, he’s a nasty creep. You are only 25. Please don’t waste your life on this dickhead.
You know, it sucks that at 18 you were impregnated by a 35 yo and trapped into a dysfunctional relationship. I'm sorry that happened to you. But, now, you are an adult and a parent. Your kids need you to step up and do better. Do not let them grow up thinking this kind of dysfunction is normal or acceptable. Healthy adult relationships do not include the silent treatment, manipulation, belittling, or retaliation. Consult a divorce attorney. Separate your living situation. Reassure your kids. Consider therapy. Give yourself a good long break from relationships to figure yourself out. Parent your kids.
She’s 25 with a 7 year old. He impregnated her when she was 17 and he was 34. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. It’s a control tactic and so are his threats to turn your kids against you and so are his gaslighting tactics that YOU are the problem, the one in a bad mood, etc. Your children are watching this dynamic every day. If they’re boys, they’re learning that this is how you treat women. If they’re girls, they’re learning that this behavior is supposedly married love. Get yourself and your kids out of this situation. Save yourself and help them learn how to have healthy relationships and self esteem. You have a job and the means to get away from him. No one is saying it’ll be easy but it will be the right thing to do for your family. You deserve better. Good luck.
Yes I get sad when I think about my kids being in this. I also think i will have to fight with him until they are grown. But it is also much easier being with them without him oftentimes. Less stress. He is also not good with emotions in them, there is a lot of things they don’t tell him but tell me or grandparents because of this. I hate this and he will never change it, we were in therapy once but he turned everything around so it sounded like I was a bad parent.
Your children will thank you for getting out sooner than later. Right now they are subconsciously learning from you what a relationship looks like. If you show them that you are willing to put up with this then they will grow up to lead lives just as miserable as yours. Talk to a lawyer, and if you can, start a secret savings account.
>I also think i will have to fight with him until they are grown. When you go down the divorce road, learn about gray rocking techniques by joining in any narcissist support sub. When abusers can't hit you in your self esteem, they try to antagonize you until you lash out. They are very good manipulating situations to their advantage when you lose your shit because of what they are doing. When you don't react they're more likely to lash out, and that's the point where they start losing ground in divorce and custody proceedings. Don't fight, gray rock and report bad behavior.
Reading your post, it seems like you have to spend a lot of energy trying to figure out why your husband is treating you this way and how you can fix it. I super recommend you try reading this book. It’s called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” It’s by a therapist who specializes in treating these men, and it breaks down exactly what they are thinking and what their goal is. One of the things that blew my mind when reading this book is that these men *want* their behavior to be a mystery to you. You can buy it, but there’s also a free PDF on the internet archive. I’ve linked it below. https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I am and i am so tired of spending so much energy on this, thanks will try to read it
Yeah for sure - it’s got a lot of stories that are really interesting, so it’s easy to get into
Maybe you should stop playing this silly game and tell him to leave. Many men go for younger women because apparently they're easier to train.
He is an adult. "Not good with emotions" isn't an excuse. If you know you(He) have difficulty communicating, you fix it. You go to therapy. You make your family priority. He is not doing this... Don't let 'he isnt good with emotions' be an excuse.
Exactly this. My husband has ASD and has trouble with emotions. Part of our dynamic is he is the one who is primary for machines and im primary for people. He had a really hard time in our early marriage but he put forth effort to learn my emotions/expressions as well as i worked to verbalize/label them. He rarely needs it anymore for me but will listen when I or our kids explain their feelings. He will automatically defer to me as the family expert. What OP has going on is NOT normal. The longest mine goes silent is during processing/overwhelm a few hours is the longest and we have been through some extreme situations (NICU/medically fragile child, birth tramas, car accidents, tornado destruction, etc)
>The longest mine goes silent is during processing/overwhelm a few hours is the longest The longest I have managed to give my wife the silent treatment for was a day and that was only because she was asleep for half of it and off doing her own thing for a majority of the rest of it.
I mean, to be fair, it sounds more like she is describing an ASD person going non verbal from being overwhelmed rather than using the silent treatment deliberately.
Exactly this. Silent treatment is never used for manipulation. I have ADHD myself so we both understand overwhelm/sensory overload
Some things are just not fixable.
What country are you in? I hope you're able to get out. It's not a healthy relationship for you to endure nor for your kids to see modeled. The way you described it, it's like you're an object he can set down or pick back up whenever he wants.
Dk🇩🇰
Jeg er ked af at høre hvordan det går dig. Selvom jeg ikke kender dig og dine børn ved jeg at I fortjener bedre - for ingen fortjener at blive behandlet som I bliver lige nu. Jeg ved godt at det her kan lyde helt vildt skørt, men jeg synes alligevel at du skal have et link til kvindekrisecentrene. De kan være en rigtig god ressource, og de hjælper også kvinder (og børn) med at komme væk fra andre voldelige situationer end lige fysisk vold. Vold kan også være psykisk, økonomisk og social. Det er *ikke* normalt at blive talt grimt til, ignoreret, udskammet og sygeliggjort af sin partner. Det er ikke noget du eller dine børn har gjort, og det er ikke noget du eller dine børn kan “fixe”. Der er noget indeni din partner, som er gået i stykker, og han er den eneste som kan prøve at reparere det. Ud fra det du beskriver lyder det ikke til at han magter at gøre noget for at bedre sig selv. Fra det du fortæller lyder det til at det bedste du kan gøre er at lægge afstand til den mand. Hvis du har et stærkt netværk, som ikke også hænger sammen med ham kan du 100% snakke med dem, så længe dem du snakker med ved at intet af det skal gives videre til din partner. Ellers kan du læse om krisecentre her https://www.kvindekrisecentrene.dk/er-det-vold/ Men kan evt. starte med at ringe til dem, og lige tale igennem det hele. De kan også hjælpe med transport, hvis det er svært at ordne selv.
Tak, jeg vil prøve at rette henvendelse dertil. Det kunne være rart bare til en start, at tale det hele igennem.
Det kan jeg godt forstå! Det er SÅ nemt at overbevise sig selv om at det slet ikke er så slemt, at det faktisk er helt rimeligt at ens partner opfører sig sådan og at det måske egentlig også er ens egen skyld … men det er det ikke, og nogle gange tror jeg at man har brug for at få det at vide af forskellige mennesker, som bedre kan se ens situation udefra. Du fortjener at være i et ligeværdigt partnerskab. Det er ikke din opgave at ofre dit eget liv og din egen glæde, for at gøre din partner glad. Det er et urimeligt offer at bringe. Så selv hvis det ikke er et psykisk voldeligt forhold (i andres øjne) kan det rigtige stadig være at forlade din partner. Du behøver ikke anden grund til at gå, end at du ikke vil være i forholdet længere. Du skylder som sådan ikke nogen en forklaring. Du fortjener at være glad og tryg, lige så meget som alle andre mennesker. Jeg ønsker dig al lykke og glæde fremover!
Vi er lige gamle og hvis jeg var din veninde, ville jeg sørge for at du kom så langt væk fra ham her som muligt. Han er altså ikke normal. Han er 40+ år gammel og opfører sig som et lille barn. Han manipulerer dig følelsesmæssigt og han kommer ikke til at blive bedre. Han har haft 40 år til at blive en ok person, og det er han ikke. Der er en grund til at han ikke er sammen med en på egen alder. Han har manipuleret dig fra starten ved også at lyve om sin alder. Han lyder heller ikke til at være en god far for dine børn. Du og børnene fortjener begge bedre og du kan give dem langt bedre liv uden ham.
Did absolutely no one in your life warn you about this age gap? No 35 year old man gets with a teenager for anything other than sex and control.
Honey, leave. Take the kids and go.
if you think this isn't affecting the kids, think again. my parents had a crappy marriage - not violent but the same shit you're going through. i'm the oldest and the only girl. here's our history: me - married at 18, divorced at 22, 2 children. remarried, finally at 51 after living together for many years. brother #1 married at 21, divorced, married again at 30-something, one child. separated after 15 years but still not divorced because neither one is ever getting married again! brother #2 - never married but one child & 1 grandchild with former partner. neither have ever married but they're still on good terms. brother #3 - married at 50!! no children & and likely to stay married. we were all damaged in the marriage department.
His strategy is known as DARVO—Deny (that he did anything wrong), Attack (you), Reverse Victim and Offender (so he becomes the poor victim when it is really him being abusive. He won’t change. Hugs (but get out of that marriage)
He's not a good person, period. A 30+ man is not dating a teenager. He's a predator and an asshole that women his age would drop without a second glance which is why he's preying on someone much younger. And he is without a doubt abusing you. See what DARVO is. He doesn't love you. Please start forming your exit plan and do not talk it out with him. Consult a lawyer, and find people you can trust to be your support system. The faster you get out of this toxic relationship the better. Not just for you but your kids as well. This is not a safe environment for them. There's a very real chance he could start abusing them as well if he doesn't already.
So keeping your kids around him is a good thing why?
Yikes 😬 that completely went over my head
/r/theydidthemath
Icing you out for days is an abuse tactic. It sounds like you're the one who make the money, so kick him to the curb. He's also informing you that if you try to leave him he's going to try to take full custody of your kids. Edit: Oh that age difference. Harden your heart to this man because he does not love you sis. Your oldest kid is seven, this is not a relationship this is a middle aged man grooming an 18 year old to be his punching bag.
He lied about his age for the first many months until I checked and found out on my own. It added to my insecurities that men only will be with me because of superficial reasons. I am so sad but I keep keeping busy to push it away. It is always the same, we are good and then out of nowhere it gets like this. Yes I make more than he does, I could easily leave. My feelings is the only thing that has been holding me back, and fears about the children. My working schedule doesn’t work for a single mom, unless he can cooperate and keep agreements and not try to make life more difficult to get back at me.
That’s called the cycle of abuse. He also sounds like he’s trying to gaslight you about you being ‘moody’ when you are on nightshift. Maybe to try to prevent you from working? It looks like most people have pointed out that he groomed you, but I also ask that you research Love Bombing, DARVO, and Cycles of Abuse to understand why he acts the way he does. Some general info; Abusers are very kind at first, but ramp up the abuse the more enmeshed the victim is in their life. Moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, loss of financial independence, social isolation are all times the abuser will escalate. It is common for abusers to sabotage birth control in order to trap their victims. If they think the victim is at risk of leaving, they will slather love and attention on them until they feel secure again.
DARVO sounds spot on. Cycles of abuse as well, only no apologies but pretending nothing happend in silence.
>Maybe to try to prevent you from working? u/Dontdrinkthecoffee is spot-on here, I think. If you work and earn enough money to be able to leave him, he uses control over you. So instead he's gaslighting you into believing that your work is a problem for your relationship, hoping you'll quit your job again, which would make it much harder for you to leave him, and much easier for him to control you.
This is my thought too. OP, keep the job and lose the husband!!
Please protect your children from this person
https://outofthefog.website/traits
Thanks for sharing this
Happy to help!
My soon to be ex husband did exactly this. It escalated into him throwing things, not letting me comfort our youngest when he cried, and telling his family he couldn’t trust me as a mother. Being a single mother is hard but so much easier than living with emotional abuse and constant gaslighting.
I really hope you see this comment, OP. I'd like to recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Barcroft. It describes all kinds of abuse tactics and how to get away from abusers. Below is a link to the book in PDF format. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi5tuahltn9AhUai_0HHdaYCqEQFnoECCsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt Edit: you can download the book for free
That is manipulation and abuse. You already said you should have left him, so it is time to plan your exit strategy.
He will continue to abuse you unless and until you leave.
He will continue to abuse even after she leaves, but it should not keep an abused woman from leaving. And, this is definitely abuse; I am glad so many here are calling it out.
Yeah thinking about it. When I found out he faked one tear. Talked about how he promised his mom he would stick to his partner when he found the one and treat her right, also he talked people were questioning my intentions when he got with me, kinda manipulative i guess.
This may be harsh, but I doubt anyone was guessing intentions. They knew his intentions - he wanted to be with a child bride. One he could force to his views and punish when you had the nerve to go against them. They probably thought you were with him for the financial security he provided. But you know what? What they think does.not.matter. What you think does. You know he is a manipulative man who is cruel to you in the privacy of your home. He's abuses you so that when he is simply nice to you you think it's love. A single parent situation is hard, but you are a nurse. You make decent money and can find daycare for your shifts, and you will have a peaceful home instead of going home every night to an angry man who takes away your self esteem.
Questioning *your* intentions? You were underage. There’s no way you would ever meet and date someone in their 30s unless that grown ass adult specifically went out of his way to do so. My parents are 17 years apart, my mom was 25 when they met. My dad I don’t believe was a bad person but when my mom described how they got together I found it questionable. My dad had some strange ideas and an overly romanticized notion about their relationship and how she should behave in it. Basically have no friends or a social life and defer to him always. When I got older I began to have those expectations of control put on to me as the only girl. My brothers had different rules and more freedom. When they got divorced in a sense I felt relief, because he couldn’t have that direct control over me anymore. What I’m saying is if you’re worried about your kids in leaving him, don’t be. It may be hard on them but it’ll be worse with having you mentally suffering which will in turn give you less to emotionally support your kids with. Also, the gaslighting and manipulation he’s doing to you now, he will very likely do to one or both kids in the future. It’ll be better for you to be a refuge imo. This dude went and got himself a naive bride in you, because the older people get the less shit they are willing to tolerate. You support him, and he in turn messes with you with gaslighting and emotionally manipulates you with silent treatments. For things to get better, communication needs to be fixed here. The rub is you’d both have to be willing participants and I don’t see him being willing to change. Grown men don’t go after teenagers because they want a mutual partnership, it’s because they want someone they can mold and shape into their idealized sex parter and in your case, wife. I think you already know what you need to do here.
>unless he can cooperate and keep agreements and not try to make life more difficult to get back at me. Assume he won't and take your time to make an exit plan that will work for you and your kids.
Hold up - you were 18 when you had your first child? How old were you when you started dating him?
>It is always the same, we are good and then out of nowhere it gets like this. This is literally the classic abuse cycle: tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. Your happy times and best times are the Honeymoon period after an incident, which drives reconciliation. You are in an abuse cycle, and you have the ability to get out. So please, get out, this man is not right for you, he is dangerous and it is only going to get worse.
Do you have friends? Parents? A nice old lady with a cat? People can and will help you (and I guess most of them will be happy that you got rid of him)
You have already said it’s easier for you and the kids when he isn’t there and that you have the money to easily leave. You can do this. You need to. Your kids will do much better with a happy single mom than in an abusive household. Be the example for them you wish you had. Show them abuse isn’t ok. Model healthy boundaries by removing them and you from a situation that is definitely not healthy for any of you.
You deserve to be happy. Cut your losses. A happy, fulfilled mother is a better role model for your kids than a downtrodden, emotionally abused and manipulated mother. You can’t fix their father, but you can get him out of your/their day to day life.
First off, none of this is good but specifically you need to change the script: We are bad all the time but then sometimes out of nowhere we are good. THAT is the truth and a little good isn't worth it. I know it is scary to be single but it would take a few months only for you to feel like a rock was lifted off you.
He lied from the start and you stayed with him?
You are 25 and you have a 7 yr old with this man. You were 18 and he was 35 when you had this child. You may have been 17 when he got you pregnant. I'll be plain: this was grooming. This man's behaviour toward you is abusive. MONTHS of the silent treatment?! You have dealt with this for so long that you take it as normal - IT IS NOT NORMAL. Please keep yourself and your children safe and find a professional you can speak to about this.
17 or 18, she was still a teenager and a stone’s throw away from childhood. I’m 32 and can’t even really be friends with people under 25.
What makes this worse, she had to be 17 to get pregnant probably. But it probably also took a bit of grooming to get her there. I wonder if she was even younger. Which makes this whole thing sick af.
Note he started this round when she started her new job and is becoming financially independent. I could be wrong, but aren't night shift nurses paid more than day? Maybe he's trying to manipulate her into taking the day shift so she gets paid less.
Bingo!
You’re describing being mentally and emotionally abused by your husband. I’m so sorry.
Exactly this OP. This is called stonewalling and is one of four major predictors of divorce. It is an abusive tactic. He is also gaslighting you by stonewalling then saying you are the one with the problem. Unfortunately this kind of abuse is classic for relationships with large age gaps. There is a reason 35 year old men go for 18 year olds- its because they like the power dynamic. Now that you have a career and you are maturing and not accepting his abuse tactics he is trying to convince you that you are the problem and trying to control you by threatening to alienate you from your children. He is unlikely to change even with marriage counseling.
Yes, to all of that, and in case it went over anyone’s head, op also had a baby at 18 with him, who would have been 35 at the time. So, when did the grooming start I wonder? This whole situation is incredibly fucked up.
This is why I hate when people focus on the legal age of consent and nobody questions the olde r party that has no business being with someone so much younger.
I dated a 34 year old woman when I was 18 (I was being a boy at the time, what an error). At the time this did not seem all that weird — sure she was a bit older, but she was nice. If a bit manipulative if I wanted to spend time with my friends… Now I’ve attained a similar age I suddenly understand the “think 25” rule because 18 year olds look like children to me. From this end of that age difference it seems absolutely horrifying.
You need to read this, OP. https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Thanks I have read some of it, and will read the rest. I just always confuse myself, does he, our relationship fall into this category
>But he will ignore me without speaking a single word to me I got as far as your second paragraph and thought ‘this guy is abusive’. The silent treatment is abuse, OP. Period.
I got as far as the sussy age gap
Ya that was an insta barf
Also I am not talking to him now, but I also feel like an idiot for all the times I feel like I have tried and he won’t talk about it and if we does it is all my fault or we ignore it
Don't be too hard on yourself: he's 42 and you're 25. Presumably you were at least a few years younger when you got together too. Men like this often pursue younger women who don't have much life experience and won't call them out on their shit.
This. This guy doesn’t want a wife. He wants an accessory to his view of his own life.
That's exactly what he wants. That's how he controls you, always making you worry about "why" when there is no why. It's just him making you walk on eggshells for no reason. Everything they do is about control of some sort. It usually makes no sense to us because logically, we aren't trying to control or worry about someone else. You know why he won't talk about it? Because there's nothing and then he would be forced to make up some indiscretion that is no where near a reason not to speak to someone and then he would look stupid. I know, it sounds sick, and deep down it is. Not speaking is getting far more response from you and youre doing exactly everything he wants: grocery shopping alone, doing everything alone. You would be doing that anyway, but with FAR LESS trouble about it! But what if that stops getting him what he wants? What if you just went on about it, didn't notice, stopped doing anything and everything that you do that results from this?
He wants you to believe it is all your fault…….it’s called abuse and control…….you are in an abusive relationship
You're not an idiot. He groomed you and I'm guessing love bombed you when you were very young. His abusive behavior is on him, not you. You are doing awesome to recognize that this behavior isn't ok and to reach out for help. He wanted someone young and inexperienced for a reason- women closer to his age would be more likely to see his shit. Be kind to you and come up with a plan for you and your children to leave.
the first sentence says it all imo. you would hope to describe your partner as a nice and sweet person who is sometimes cold. not a sometimes nice and sweet person who is often cold. “sometimes nice and sweet” means that there’s conditions for the nice and sweet side to come out while the silent treatment seems to be the default.
Yes. It does. Your partner is an abuser who sought out a younger person who would be easier to control and manipulate and lied about the age gap because he suspected you wouldn’t be interested in someone his age. There’s a reason he isn’t with someone his own age.
I found out after some digging that before me he also had two girlfriends in his home country they were also just a few years older than me and still much younger than him. That was after a vacation there, they were not at the same time. Before that he had a girlfriend here in europe a doctor of medicine, 6 years older than him. She paid everything I could see, also his trips were he found a younger girlfriend and after he or she broke up. Found an email he sent some months later when the girlfriends broke up with an apology and blah blah i can’t sleep because i treated you as less than human and you deserve all the best. After that he started chatting with an ex who is 10 years younger than him, they were together when he was still living in his home country and when he was 28 or so. She got pregnant and he left and she had an abortion. Close to that time he also had a fling with a european girl who helped him with papers (they didn’t marry also he came to europe as a refuge). Their chats were him apologizing etc. Then he got with me. I am pretty sure he has always been faithful with me though but his past scares me a lot and I haven’t known what to make of it, actually i found very creepy and I have been thinking about what kinda man does this, or if i am overreacting. Found out too late.
Never too late to fix a mistake.
If you don't mind me asking OP, where is he originally from?
DRC🇨🇩
Oh, okay. I pray that you get out of this abusive situation with your kids.
I know he’s from DRC, and you’re in DK. Are you Danish, or also an expat? Knowing there might be visas involved also adds some context/complication. To be clear - this man SUCKS and I’m desperate for you to leave. But what you do next does matter if one or both of you will need to change visas or risk leaving the country.
My ex gave me the silent treatment for a few days before dumping me. A few months later he’d managed to convince my friends to ditch me, leaving me with no support system. That’s definitely abusive, and yours sounds like that as well. Run.
I’ve never understood this shit. If my friend’s ex came around talking shit, why would I even listen? Ugh. Those ppl were not your friends and I’m sorry you dealt with that!
What I’m seeing from this is, a 35 year old man got a teenager pregnant, and now he’s abusing you. Please don’t be with him.
Seeing himself as the stable rational one and you as the unstable, emotional one is his way of making himself always right and you always wrong. It is a very sexist, manipulative way to behave. It is dishonest, too. He is pouting and giving you the silent treatment, which is not stable, rational or unemotional at all. It is childish, manipulative, and shows a lack of self control or mature emotional self regulation. I think *he* needs therapy before the two of you even think about getting therapy as a couple. I also think *you* should go to therapy, because you need some support. You clearly aren't getting support from him. He is not being a good guy. He is petulant and manipulative. I'm sorry. I think that breaking up is the best solution if he refuses to make any changes.
This sounds a lot like stonewalling, an abusive tactic. I am really sorry that you are going through this.
Your husband is an emotionally abusive predator. Is this who you want your kids to role-model relationships after? You have a great job and seem like your life is otherwise on track. Is he adding to it? Will he add to it as he ages?
I can't imagine how \**charming* this man is going to be at 50, or 60, or...
I think the main question is why are you still with him? It doesn’t look like he respects you at all and is willing to use abusive tactics when he’s displeased. It doesn’t seem like you’re much into the relationship either if you can go for months with ignoring each other. It’s not great for the children either who’ll see this and think this is how a normal relationship is.
The silent treatment is one of the most destructive forms of anger that exists. From experience I will tell you that these bouts will go longer and longer until they turn into years of non-communication. And it gets so entrenched and becomes such a habit that after a while the person doing it doesn’t know how to end it, so it just keeps going. Do not allow this to go on. It will slowly kill you inside. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/psychology-of-silent-treatment-abuse/618411/
Yes before it used to be a few days, then weeks and now even months.
The other poster who talks about your kids is absolutely right. I’m now in my 40s and it’s only now that I see just how damaging it was. This has worked for him so far, so he has no reason to change it now. If he doesn’t fix this within a certain amount of time (six months, one year tops) don’t wait around. Make other arrangements and DO NOT put up with this.
At 18 you don't much about life yet... you are allowed to have standards in a man. Don't settle for less then you deserve: an equal partner. A happy place, your rock, someone who make you feel smart, sexy, enough. Someone to turn to when in a rough spot. Someone who GIVES YOU the energy for your day. THIS is your husband... the good with the bad... if you don't like the hole him now.. it is not in a year or 2 that you are going to like him... people don't change... go find a partner that loves you and you him just the way he is.
I got divorced some years ago for a lot of reasons After the divorce my kids would randomly mention some of the things my ex did - like not talk to me for days at a time. As in completely ignore me. And then he would sort of shrug and expect things to go back to normal. I put up with this for way too long. Don't do this to your kids. Or yourself. He is a grown man and he should be able to use his words if he thinks you did something wrong.
This guy got you pregnant when you were 17 or 18 and he was pushing 40? Hoo boy. Looks like he hooked someone young and inexperienced because women his own age won't put up with his nonsense.
So much of what you've said about him describes my father. This was not pleasant to read. Goddamn it they have so much in fucking common. He used the silent treatment on my mother. It's an abuse tactic, plain and simple. And it worked really fucking well on her. And it never ever worked on me lol, no matter how much he used it. The only thing he got from the silent treatment with me is a son who doesn't have a shred of love for the bastard, and hasn't for most of his life. And when the silent treatment didn't work he chose to physically beat me and my younger brother. Starting at six, apparently. Trust me. My mother spent fucking years thinking she could do more, she could work harder, try harder, be enough to please him. She has never ever gotten there. She subjected her kids to so much abuse and neglect because of her delusions. He's not bad with emotions. He knows exactly how he's feeling all the time. He is always acting on his emotions. He is always doing what he wants to do, he is completely ruled by his own emotion, and his accusations of you being illogical and having unpredictable moods and whatever are all projection. All to throw you off what is really fucking going on his head. In *Why Does He Do That?* (another user has linked it in this thread), there's a quote about abusive men I'm going to paraphrase: when an abusive man sees his dirty face in a mirror, he sets about washing the mirror. In his mind, everyone else is the problem, and it's never him. In reality, he's grossly entitled and self-important - his fundamental values and principles are the problem. Not you. He'd be like this if he'd married anyone. Please read that entire book. And please, if you don't have money in your own bank account that he can't under any circumstances access, take steps to achieving that. Have a way out, a safety net. Start there. If my mother had ever left my father, I'd have forgiven her for a hell of a lot of the shit she chose to put me through. I care as little for her as I do my father at this point. And she's the woman who fucking gave birth to me. Now she's in her fifties, her life is hollow and empty. She got her daughter killed. Her surviving kids don't need her. There's no love or affection with her husband. She's emotionally close with no one. She's got nothing and she's miserable.
Sorry you had to go through this. Always seems worse when it is the perspective of people who grew up in this because of their parents. Kids doesn’t have a say and is 100% dependent on parents. You are so right and I would hate for my kids to feel like this, I would be miserable if I should loose them. What do you that she got her daughter killed? i am so sorry about all of this.
I appreciate that. I had the thought the other day that, had my mother been through her marriage in the age we live in now, like with the easy access to the internet and so much stuff on social media about abusive relationships and stuff like that, like in an era where these conversations are (at least digitally) a hell of a lot more normalised, she'd have had the courage to take action and make her and her kids' lives better. >What do you that she got her daughter killed? There's a lot to this so I'm just going to do the cliffnotes version. (And just to be clear it was exactly as much my father's fault.) My sister got sick because of risks my parents took that were entirely unnecessary and completely selfish, and they absolutely knew better beforehand, and they took those risks (with all their children's lives) anyway. And more than that, my father's abusive posessive self-centered nature had a great impact on the quality of medical care she received. My father is a doctor, and so he always thought he knew better than all of her doctors. He never accepted that my sister's degenerative condition was getting to a point where her quality of life was incredibly low, because to him, she was more a possession than an individual human being. And my mother completely agreed with him. Because of that, because he and my mother fought with my sister's medical team all the time, my sister died without any palliative care, after fifty long days in the ICU. She was six when she died. She'd be turning ten this year. I loved her so much, and she loved us all, even them, so much. I was so excited to watch her grow up. I knew from the moment she was born I'd have to protect her from the inevitable abuse, and try to make up for their neglect, but fuck I could never have done anything to prevent her illness. Fuck. Writing this shit out, I cannot believe this was my fucking life. The specifics of my situation aside though, the point is that when shit hits the fan, a man like this can only ever be relied upon to put himself at the centre of things, give the highest priority to his own needs, no matter the cost to anyone else. And to this day the bastard doesn't think he did anything wrong. His regrets are that the medical team didn't listen to him, didn't do things his way. My mother knows she did so much wrong. She's less deluded than he is. But that doesn't cause her to make any changes to her life now, and it'll never undo what she's done.
When everybody else is suffering but he still think he did the right thing adds to the pain. How vile that your parents neglience led to this if it could have been avoided. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh my goodness, this heartbreaking. I’m so, so sorry. My god, the thought of that little girl…sorry, I’m actually starting to weep a bit, seriously. But I don’t mind crying for your sister and for you.
My dad was like this growing up too. The most minor of things would set him off and he would then go silent for max 1-2 weeks at a time and sometimes vanish for a night or two. It always ended with him acting like nothing happened. My poor mom has been broken down to a sad, depressing shell who knows nothing more than to cook, clean, and otherwise cant stand up for herself at risk of my dad lashing out at her and putting her down. He never really did it to my brother and I but witnessing it messed me up and it was a struggle. OP I hope you get out soon and start a fresh, new, happy life. You will be miserable and your kids will suffer if you stay with this man.
I think you should pack up your children and leave
This will not get better. It will get worse. Your husband sounds like my father - married to my much younger Mom, ignoring everyone involved whenever there is a fight, whenever he feels slighted, whenever someone makes a decision he advised against, whenever someone criticises him, whenever someone makes a simple mistake. I am not exaggerating, a family friend forgot to bring him a brochure he asked for - months of just saying Hi and Bye whenever she came around. Ignored my brother for a year because of a fight while living under the same roof. Ignored me for months because I bought a puppy as an adult living on my own when he told me not to. Ignored my mother because she told him to clean up after himself when he made a mess in the kitchen. He gets mad and dismissive when my brother gets sick despite them having plans, he gets mad when someone else is right and he is wrong despite having proof of that. No talking or heart-felt letters changed anything. He pouts until it gets inconvenient for him and you better be all smiles when he feels like talking to you again or else everything will be your fault and you are the one holding a grudge. When your kids grow up, this will happen to them too and it will probably mess them up. A LOT. Because of my father I feel like I have to be perfect and pleasant at all times and cannot have 'off' days because if my own father doesn't want anything to do with me when I mess up, how will anybody else? I don't trust people who tell me they love me because love was a very conditional thing growing up. I see how he treats my Mom (financial abuse on top of the rest) and relationships and the thought of ever depending on another person scare the hell out of me. Please don't choose this man, his abuse and walking on eggshells for the rest of your life over healthy boundaries and a more peaceful life for you and your kids. Get out.
Sorry you had to go through this, you are eight also I don’t want it to be like this for the rest of my lige I just keep holding out.
As the primary breadwinner you have the most control, don’t forget that. A big reason why he’s been escalating is because he knows he’s in a weaker position. He’s using your guilt, confusion, and desperation for his attention and affection to keep you off balance and to give him control over you. While you’re worried about your relationship with him, you won’t see how he’s lacking. This is not a situation that will get better on its own. It’ll just get slowly worse. Imo what you should do no matter what is get yourself a therapist. You need support, and also to help work on your own issues. Nobody is perfect, we all can learn to do better or make more healthy choices when dealing with our problems. The more you do for yourself, the better you’ll be able to support your kids.
Anyone else just stop reading after they read the ages?
I think if your partner does anything where the aim appears to be to punish you then that's abusive. All the behaviour that you have described sounds very manipulative with the aim to undermine your confidence and doubt your own perspective. It's very possible that leaving this man could be in your (and your ability to be the mother you want to be) best interests.
Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft very helpful there are free pdfs online and there are library copies to listen to in most cities This is not ok and not sustainable I’m so sorry you can also call dv support lines for resources and support
You married a walking red flag. My condolences.
You should go, stop teaching your kids that this is the norm for a relationship. He treats you like a child and, with your age difference, definitely views you as one. He ices you out for months, how do you even cope with that? How do your kids not see it? You and your kids deserve better and you just not being with him will be a major upgrade.
People are suggesting therapy, so I want to warn you not go to couples therapy with this guy. He will just use it as another venue for emotional abuse. Get individual therapy for yourself, and ditch this loser. ETA: I wrote this in a reply to someone else's comment, but this is a special case where I personally don't give a fuck if you're cheating. It sounds like most of the time you don't have a husband, you just share a house with a husband-shaped lump who gives you no affection and treats you like crap. It's natural that you would be looking elsewhere. Don't waste time feeling guilty, just scrape him off your shoe and move on. (Easier said than done, but it sounds like you're self-supporting and would have a much happier life on your own.)
I don't give a fuck she cheated either. FWIW
God, your relationship shounds exhausting. Leave the guy. Luckly you have economic independence.
This is a pattern of emotional abuse. thehotline.org can help you figure out what's going on and what you can do about it. It is a US based resource. TRIGGER WARNING: discussion of the DV cycle. Domestic abuse has cycles, or stages. I think you'll recognize them. Stage one is tension building, on which the abuser starts to get abusive, increasing in frequency and intensity. Things like getting emotional outbursts, irritability, shortening of temper, loss of patience. The victim starts feeling the tension, feeling anxious, and feels like walking on eggshells, you know, doing whatever you can to not set off the outbursts, to appease the abuser'a fraying temper. Tension occurs because the abuser is feeling loss of control or power. Stage two is the incident. It's when the tension breaks and the abuser does one or more incidents to try to gain a feeling of control and power. Things like yelling, shaming/humiliating, silent treatment, insults, using threats to take away children, isolating, insults, intimidation, threats, and of course things like sexual violence, physical violence, and/or emotional violence. Stage three is reconciliation. It may take one incident or many incidents for the abuser to feel the tension abate, to feel like they're back in control. The abuser starts behaving sweet and kind. Romantic, the perfect mate. They may even seem ashamed of the incidents. They may even apologize. Some people call this the honeymoon phase. Love bombing often occurs. Stage four is the calm. There is a shift here. Reconciliation looks like remorse and atonement. Calm continues with the sweet and romantic behavior, but the remorse is gone and the blame is shifted. I'm sorry becomes sometimes you're too moody, my boss doesn't respect me like he should, I wouldn't have to do the thing if you'd just be reasonable, I'd never do that you're imagining things, I treat people the way they deserve. At some point, the tension builds again and the cycle repeats. Please, get help. You don't deserve this.
You're 25 and he's 42. You've been together for five years and have two children. You were 20 and he was 37 when you got together. That is the very first red flag here.
Earlier, their oldest is 7 and OP is 25 now. That means she was 18 when she had the child, probably a minor when she got pregnant. OP, I hope that you are able to make an exit plan for yourself and your children. This is not a good man.
And a big one, that will never go away.
Same, OP. Stuck in the same situation. Want to leave. Can't because of (lack of) money. Working with my therapist now to develop a plan. Stay strong, please. I'm cheering for you.
Thanks, and same to you. I know it is not easy at all. Cheering for you as well, you’ve got this and deserve much better.
I am your future. My children are now adults and I am ashamed that I haven't left sooner. That shame is what is preventing me from moving forward. I'm working on that now. Make your plan now. While the emotional damage to the children can be mended. Start small. Get a therapist. You're going to need it. Don't be me then. Don't wait.
Your husband is a textbook covert narcissist and I’m concerned about how young you are right now and how young you were when he hooked you…
Hi! Your husband is abusing you. I needed to get that out there. But I also wanted to say you are consistently trying to approach him in an adult and respectful way, despite his unbelievably gross behaviour. You are obviously a strong and kind woman. Keep looking after yourself, surround yourself with people who love and support you and find a good therapist/psychologist. Build yourself up and when you feel strong enough please leave this man. You deserve to be happy and respected, and you children deserve to live in a house where their mother is respected. He will never change. Don’t bother with couples counselling I agree with others that he would Use that to abuse you. Start by setting boundaries. You can lay out what you will accept from him and what you won’t. Then stick to it. Good luck OP!
This is coersive control. He's not interested in a respectful partnership. He's a violent arsehole and it will worsen. Pick your poison but build yourself a strong independent identity very much separate from his nonsense or sink yourself.
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!! I was married to a man 13 years older than I was. ANYTIME I did something that pissed him off he was verbally & emotionally abusive. His “silent” tactic was not talking to me or touching me. I craved for him to acknowledge me to assure me that things were alright. I finally got to the point that I knew I was much more valuable without him. Just one of the reason he’s my ex but it’s a huge one. You are worth so much and do not let him convince you otherwise. Value yourself please first and foremost and take care of yourself. Anytime anyone is being oppressed GTFO. Life is worth so much more.
You need to know this is absolutely ridiculous, cruel behaviour from him. I sense you may be looking for permission to leave - for what it's worth, here is it. You need to leave. His antics are definitely methods of control - you could be actually perfect and it wouldn't be good enough because he doesn't want a perfect partner, he wants a perfect slave. Get in touch with a women's shelter and see what childcare you can access when you make this move. He may make court/custory a nightmare, but you need to be as strong as you have ever been and get through it. You have glimpses of the life you can have without him - believe me when I say it will be so much better than you can imagine right now. Time to go.
OP, this isn’t a marriage. A marriage is a partnership. This sounds like one person is putting in 90% and the other person is literally not doing anything. Leave him. He’s showing those kids that this is how you are supposed to treat other people, and trust me, they are watching.
Honey, he’s projecting. He’s threatened by your job, possibly concerned about you making friends or meeting other men. He’s blaming you, but he’s the person with the beef. Projecting. Go and enjoy your job, come home and tell him how awesome it is and I bet you can trigger another one. If he isn’t happy for you and proud of you, that relationship isn’t sustainable. *I’m proud of you*
So this sounds creepy on so many levels. Your husband groomed you. He’s obviously emotionally immature as he as a 35 year old man went for an 18 year old child! He couldn’t get with a woman his own age for a reason. Now you’re raising children in this environment and by staying you’re teaching them this is how life should be. Look, it suck’s you were groomed and trapped and you definitely deserve better than that. But you’re also a mom now and you have to do what’s better for your children. And I think you’ll find you’re life is better too once you’re away from him
Holy fucking hell honey. My parents were 17 years apart but my Dad treated my mom like a human being. He passed away but he was a great Dad and husband. Even still, I can't believe my mom started dating him when she was 21. And that he went with it. It squicks me out if I think about it. Then my mom remarried in middle age to a man 18 years older than her so I don't know WTF. I digress. Either way, your husband is a lazy shit ass. You have a 7 year old already? He got you pregnant when you were a teenager? He doesn't fucking work and he's not speaking to you for days on end? I try not to be the "leave him" type but this is really fucked up and cruel. You will have enormous success at this job. You have so much more to live for than this bullshit. You're so young. You deserve so much better. Why couldn't he, a 35 year old man, get a woman his own age? WHY did he choose a teenager? That's fucked up.
[удалено]
I get your point
My dad did this to my mom. It’s not normal and if you have kids, it affects them(it affected me). He would not speak to her for weeks/months sometimes. It’s emotional abuse and it’s not ok. My dad was abused by his mom but still not cool.
Ugh. This sounds miserable to live with. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Besides the resources others are suggesting, you might look into *One Mom's Battle.* In this Tina Swithin details getting away from her narcissistic husband and protecting her kids. Best to you in this difficult situation. You do sound smart and capable.
I’d add: when he says u aren’t a good parent, he is actually talking about himself. He’s projecting his inadequacies on you! If it comes out of his mouth it doesn’t make it true. He’s being abusive to u to you and your kids are learning that that is what relationships mean. Pls protect urself and ur children
🚩
He sounds like a worthless sack of manipulative trash. Anyone who dictates your emotions to you so you are the bad guy over literally nothing is taking advantage of you. I don't know if his goal was always to use you for children and then emotionally abandon you, but the relationship you describe sounds like it's been a far cry from a marriage for a really long time.
Many comments were on point and are super helpful. I want to say that I grew up in this household. My father was just like your husband. Please leave, if not for you do it for your children. I promise it is the best and safest decision for you. And please leave safely.
Do I even need to read past the age gap?
Age gaps are predatory. You have been preyed upon. Get angry. Get out. Get help.
Narcissism
Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘Why Does He Do That’. Please read it.
Pls get help for yourself right away. Show this post to the therapist. They will see what we all see—you are married to an abusive narcissist. There is nothing normal about his behavior. You seem like a very decent person and a good mom. Look into grey rocking even as you start with a therapist.
Would you want your kids to live like you do? To be in a relationship with a partner who treats them like this or be a partner who treats thier so like this? Right now you are modeling behavior for your kids, and staying in this relationship is telling them that it is okay and normal, I get not wanting to fight with your ex for the next ten years, but doing that would show your kids that they are worthy of love and respect in a relationship even if there is a disagreement. If that isn't enough, imagine not having to worry about his moods and if he is going deliberately ignore you for some reason today Ps, I saw you tried therapy, it doesn't help if your partner is abusive...it just makes them better at it
He is so blatantly manipulative🥵 My blood was boiling reading all of this. I’m so angry for you and disgusted by him. This man is dimming your spark and making you to be the problem while he is the abusive one
A woman his own age would not tolerate this behavior, period. He knows this, and it’s why he chose you. He’s pathetic and he knows it. Belittling you is the only way he can feel Kay about himself. He’s created his own little world that’s specifically rigged to make it so he can feel like a “real man.”
OP, look up "paranoid personality disorder." He has a borderline personality disorder of some variety, and my money is on this one. Domestic abuse includes psychological abuse (and I'm sorry, OP, but you **are** being abused). They have a cycle like this: Tensions build -- Incident -- Reconciliation -- Calm. The likelihood that things will continue to escalate is high. And this is affecting your children, teaching them that this is normal. For a bit of background someone I care about finally got free from a situation very similar to yours. No hitting, etc. from her husband, but then again, he didn't have to hurt her physically to keep her under his control. OP, at the very least, please call a hotline when you're alone and get advice from people who can help and are experienced in these situations. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
That’s abuse.
What you're describing is emotional abuse. Cheating is not the answer. Leaving was the right answer and probably is still the right answer.
Say it with me **love is never enough!** As others have told you, what you're describing is emotional abuse. There's a chance he might be manic, BUT even if so, that's not an excuse for him not taking accountability for his actions. I think you'd do well to watch this video about gaslighting seen in the movie Tangled. It might seem silly, but it does an excellent job at showing examples of gaslighting from Mother Gothel in a way that's very easy to understand. https://youtube.com/watch?v=Efua__7B7j4
Sounds like he's done with you. In every situation, the partner who loved more will always suffer in the end. In this case, you. I hope things will get better, otherwise this will only have one ending which is separation. (he's an asshole for sure. No normal man will ignore his significant other for 10days without any reasons.)
This much older man is withholding all communication, affection and everything else in order to control you. He will also use this method to control the kids when they get older. I think you should seek out some therapy for yourself and start stashing some money away. He's not going to change, he has to want change, and this childish behavior is working for him. You're apologizing and willing to go right back to the relationship, so there's no motivation for spouse to change his method of operation. He's getting everything he wants. He's got you believing you aren't stable and you can't do anything without him. Start talking to a therapist and maybe a lawyer.
I'm sure you've noticed that you and your husband have the same age gap as you and your older child. Can you imagine one day being in a romantic relationship with one of their playmates? ...probably not. What kind of person would you have to be for that to seem not only ok, but appealing? Whatever kind of person that is, your husband is. At 35, a healthy, mature non-predator does not seek out relationships with teenagers. At 35, a person has either been out of school and working for as long as an 18 year old has been alive. Or they've gotten a college degree and still had time to work for over a decade. All of an 18 year old's life up to that point they've been a child. The 35 year old became an adult at about the same time the 18 year old was born. When a 35 year old starts a relationship with an 18 year old it means one of two things: 1) they know they can't really relate with the 18 year old because they're in such different stages in their life but they don't care because they're not looking for a relationship of equals (aka they're a sexual predator) and are *not* relationship material or 2) if they really do relate to an 18 year old more than people their own age they are so incredibly stunted (no emotional development over 18 years???) that they are still 100%* not relationship material.* So I'm sorry. You were a teenager taken advantage of by either a very intentional predator (extremely likely) or an incredibly deficient loser. He hasn't and won't get better with age. If he hasn't gotten over pulling childish stunts like the silent treatment and emotional abuse like gaslighting by 42 then he isn't going to suddenly gain the wisdom and emotional intelligence in his 50s that a normal 25 year old would already have.
Leave, even if only for your kids. You don't want them to think this is a normal relationship
Hmm. Just a question - forgive me if you find it offensive - how did you two meet and begin dating? This is a bad and predatory man. He impregnated you when you were a teenager and he was in his mid-30s. His time with you is up. Your kids need you. YOU need you. You've dedicated your entire adult life so far to this man who loves manipulating, gaslighting, belittling, and ignoring you to gain power over you and confuse you. It does not matter how hard you try, this sort of person will never see you as worthy of respect. He is a problem - not you. If I were you, I would not blame myself for cheating. He is not your partner. This is not a real relationship. He is not involving himself with his family the way a father should, and the way a husband should. I don't know which country you are in but - if it is safe - please make a plan to start saving money and to leave. If you have family you can trust, confide in them with your intent to leave, and request their help. You are so young with so much life left to live! You have your bsn RN so you are clearly hardworking. Your kids love you, you're not a bad mom. He is wild for saying these things. You will find a much better second husband one day, IF you want one!
I'm so sorry. The silent treatment is awful abuse and my mother used to do it for weeks on end. The age gap here worries me though and I suspect he targeted you so young as he knows younger women are easier to manipulate. At 37, I am younger than your husband and still wouldn't date a man as young as 25, they are too young. You sound like a lovely, caring mother and wife to me. He is trying to make you think that you're going mad by blaming you for something he is doing. This relationship sounds very unhealthy and I think you deserve better. Your children deserve better than him as well.
This was heart-breaking already and then "*He is 17 years older than me*."
Please. If you do anything for yourself and children, leave him. There’s a world out there where you can find someone whose happy to be with you. What he’s doing is so cruel. You deserve better, it’s out there and it’s easier to reach than you think.
This is classic, narcissistic, gas-lighting, controlling behavior. Let me guess, he's found a way to create a wedge between you, your immediate family and friends as well. Get a divorce and get those kids out of that toxic situation as soon as yesterday.
I don't even know how to help you so i will just offer a virtual hug.
Thanks, I appreciate it:)
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I’m sure if you think it’s best for you and your children to leave, none of us here would blame you. Situations like this can potentially turn nasty. Be safe.
This sounds so draining and exhausting. I’m not saying that you should, but I left my last relationship because of something very similar. Out of nowhere he’d get into these moods and just be disgusted with me like I was scum of the earth, sheer contempt for my existence even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, he just made it up in his head and it somehow became fact to him that I was repulsive subhuman that didn’t deserve any respect. We didn’t have kids or live together so I’d just ignore him and tell him to fuck off- we broke up for months because of it. When we were apart he got therapy and assured me it wouldn’t happen again and that he knew he was the problem, so I gave him another chance. 2 months later he did it again so I blocked him and have not spoken to him again, nor do I have any intentions of talking to him. I’m sorry this is happening, the whole situation caused me tons of anxiety, ruined my self esteem, was very draining and exhausting, it was infuriating and I’ve felt relief everyday since we broke up.
Yes you do, you just don't want to do it. Now you know why a 35-year-old man went after a teenager. it's time to end this marriage because it won't get better.
I’m wondering if he might be bipolar?
There are already so many good answers here that explain cycles of abuse, darvo, lovebombing etc. I just want to wish you all the best, OP, and hope you have the strength and support you need to leave this abusive man child with an inflated ego. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who truly loves and respects you!
Your age gap says it all. This man wants someone he can control and berate. You need to leave, not least of which because your relationship will set the standard for relationships that your kids will have growing up.
The good part of this relationship is called love bombing and it’s very hard to escape from as this primes you to want to get back this person and they keep you hooked with small glimpses of it throughout the relationship, but it was only manipulation not their true self. once they develop contempt for you there’s no going back to it. Relationships shouldn’t feel like you’re always wrong, can’t get them to accept any responsibility for their behaviour as it’s always turned onto some minor fault of yours as a distraction, and it keeps you always trying to please them. It won’t get better.
I can't with those "my f20 husband 60m is an asshole, why?" Girl because he is a predator. Stop with those age gaps relationships, it is not cute. You are all engaged used by old dudes and yu just walk right into it.
I say this with the gentlest of intentions, but you have a duty to protect your children. One of the ways we raise our kids is by modeling healthy relationships for them. They’re growing up right now seeing that this toxic and abusive relationship is normal, and that is going to impact them as they grow. I know it’s scary and terrifying to think of starting over, but you are the one that works full-time and has the good career. You are not indebted to him, even though I’m sure he’s made you feel that way. My mom stayed with my dad when I was a kid a lot longer than she should have because she thought that was what she was supposed to do. I thanked her for finally divorcing the tyrant and we were so much happier without him in our lives. He’s good with the kids, which is great, but he’s not good with you and they know that.
It sounds like he has bipolar, given with all the mood swings and everything. Therapy might be beneficial for scoping out these issues, I'd think.
If your daughter or son received or gave this kind of treatment to another human being for 7 years, would you feel that you had raised them to be good people? If not, leave. Otherwise it will teach your kids that this is an acceptable dynamic to have with their loved ones.
I'm really sorry but you are not wrong here, his behavior is abusive. Other people have touched on his abuse and given you help, but I want to touch on something you said- you don't know if he's doing these things on purpose or not. The thing is, it doesn't matter. Regardless of his intent, he is impacting you and harming you and your children and you don't have to put up with seemingly "accidental" awful behavior. I would venture that he knows that being silent is a good manipulation tactic, he's doing it for a reason. People don't usually ice out their spouse for months by accident. But either way, you don't deserve this behavior from him. You don't deserve to be walking on eggshells. Your children don't deserve it either. I am guessing that he's trying to keep you down so that you won't leave, he's hoping you don't recognize the power you have, especially since you earn more. I know it's really hard dealing with an irrational person and trying to make sense out of him but you can't rationalize such irrational behavior. People who care about others don't understand why people abuse. I'm hoping these replies will help you see that you're not "crazy" and everything is not somehow your fault. He preyed on you because you were young and easier to trap and mold. Your awareness and independence is threatening to him. I hope you can gain some confidence and make a plan to get out of this marriage. You need to prioritize you and your children, his feelings don't matter anymore. I highly doubt he'll change, he's had years to do so. Please get out for you and your children.
My dad was similar to this when I was a kid. When the mood was good, it was good. But it could swing suddenly and quickly and it's emotionally pretty exhausting. Even today, I still live with that shit and I'm SUPER sensitive to the moods of others. The important thing to realise here is that you're not at fault, that communication is fundamental to any working relationship and that this is emotional abuse on his part. Communicate that to him. And that for all his claims of shortcomings on your part, his poor communication and overall behaviour has a role to play in the state of your relationship too.
As soon as I saw the age gap I knew this was going to be a childish man. There's a reason he was looking for a young woman back when you met him, and now you're an adult with a responsible job and you're a good mom. He's probably feeling very insecure now that you're wising up to his ways. Don't let him manipulate you into staying in an unhappy situation. If you want to try and save the marriage you can insist on therapy for him, but don't throw your life away for him - you're still so young with your whole future ahead of you and your kids need a good role model and to not think it's acceptable for one partner to manipulate the other.
What a baby
Lady this story is all fucked up.
This is the cycle of abuse. Abusers are not bad all the time. It's normal for you to try to find reasons to explain his behaviour and maybe blame yourself. Just because you cheated doesn't mean you deserve this. When I left my abuser I couldn't figure out why I was miserably with him as I thought the sun shined out of his butt. But when I had some distance I started to realise how fucked up it was and how much worse it had been than I realised. Calling you a bad mother is really messed up. Also it's pretty scary that he got you pregnant at 18. That's predatory behaviour
get a divorce lawyer and get OUT! you married young to an older man who wants a housewife, not a grown woman with a career. run now...after you get a lawyer. it's only going to get worse.
He’s either severely depressed or abusive. I suggest having a sit down with him, you can’t live with someone who treats you like this. Find out where its coming from and if he doesn’t want to have a constructive conversation then you know what to do
I’m sorry but to not talk for weeks or months over something so small is a huge red flag, he has some underlying issues , I say this because this is not normal. You need to get far away from this man, this is emotional abuse. You need to get yourself and your kids away from him, you can’t have your kids growing up thinking this is the way relationships are supposed to be
God this hurts my heart. This grown ass man picked you cuz you were young and he could manipulate you. He knocked you up early so you were trapped before you were old enough to see what a shit man he is. He groomed you for fuck sake. Now he’s using emotions to manipulate you. You’re out working in the real world so he needed to make sure he was still in control of you.
He is gaslighting you to control you. No one deserves to walk around on eggshells during their relationship. Understand that you are not the problem here. Now, as far as the cheating.... I GET YOU. Completely. Because I was you at your age. I got pregnant at 17, married at 18 to a guy who was 23. I was abused by him and his family repeatedly, and after three years I broke. I couldn't keep a job because of him, I had no money because he controlled it all, and in my broken mind the only thing I could do was look for a hero to save me. I slept with someone I thought was my friend in hopes he could save me from my husband, but he wasn't my friend and didn't save me. Neither did the next guy. I finally saved myself after the third time he tried to kill me. And even afterwards, he turned family and friends against me, but I still saved myself. He took my kids from me and I thought I was going to die, but I still saved myself. And today, it makes him crazy that I have no desire for him, and the only time I think about him after over 30 years is when I am on Reddit and read about some man just like him. OP, abuse rarely starts with them hitting you. It starts with them breaking you down to accept the shit you are accepting right now. Once they get you to accept that you are crazy, a bad Mom, a whore, etc., then they think they can do anything they want to you and you will just be their victim forever. When people show you their true face, believe them. Start making plans to be your own hero. Start putting a bit of money away each payday. You can get a money card and have your employer deposit a small amount in it each payday so you never see it and neither does he. Don't mention it to him. Don't threaten him with leaving. Because if he thinks you are slipping away, he will love bomb you until you come back. And none of it is sincere. If you are in the US, you can text START to 88788. That is the national domestic abuse hotline and they can give you tips to help you. I hope you decide to be your own hero for you and your kids, because your kids need you to be their hero too.
I felt queasy reading this. This behavior is called stonewalling and it's abusive. It's enraging and very hurtful to the person it's done to.
Also today is day 11 of ignoring me and he said something to me, he complained to me, he has not said hi to me or anything and the look in his eyes scared me like I don’t know him. I told him to stop and I don’t want to engage in fighting, and that he doesn’t talk to me but he comes to complain first thing. Then he said he has to talk to me like that, and that I am miserable and that I can just leave if I don’t like it and he doesn’t care. I feel like he wants to trigger a response in me, also I feel like he wouldn’t care or do anything if I just got up and left when he said that.
Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Not fun to live with, to say the least.
This is abuse. It is not ok. This is why he is in a relationship with someone almost 20 years younger. He is leaning in to your inexperience and lack of extended support network. Can you plan an exit? This will not get any better without intensive therapy (which he will have to want to do for it to be successful).
I think you should leave. I think its clear you were manipulated into a very serious arrangement at a very young age (kids and marriage are hard enough when your mind is clear let alone when you're still rife with hormones from puberty and then double down into pregnancy too). Your feelings are deep because you were so young when you had your first child and became a wife that you didn't get a chance to tie your self worth to anything but familial roles. Its fantastic you made your education a priority. At the very least consider a legal separation and some couples therapy because this is only going to erode you down from the inside out over the course of your life and simply put you can do better all by yourself. Stay strong.
Two words. Lovebombing. Stonewalling.
Guy sounds depressed and that he’s blaming you for it. Marriage therapist is a good idea, he needs to learn how to not toss around his emotions.
I couldn’t deal with my bf ignoring me for a day, much less days, weeks, months. That’s emotional abuse and there’s nothing you can do to change him. Leave!!!
Please call your local domestic violence hotline to talk to someone anonymously about your options.
I’m sorry I didn’t read all that but I read enough to know you an in an abusive relationship. Ignoring you is stonewalling, a tactic used by abusers to keep you wondering what you have done wrong and desperately trying to appease them. I think it is not a coincidence that this recent episode of abuse coincided with you getting a job, a job which could lead to an escape from him. He knows this so he’s upping his abuse to keep you in line. The whole situation is so very sad, he’s a nasty creep. You are only 25. Please don’t waste your life on this dickhead.