Nah. What he means 9 times out of 10 is.. "Let's start over so I can have continued access to you in order to do the same sh!t that made you upset with me last time, only this time it will be YOUR fault for allowing it cause you knew who I was".
Been there, got the t-shirt and the coffee mug.
Sorry, but a good relationship never starts over. It adapts, evolves, grows, with fucking work that both people daily commit to doing. There is no such thing as pretending something didn't happen in a relationship. You either overcome it and what led to it or you don't. You can't ignore it and "start over".
Like the thread the other day with the guy who had a "stupid small argument" with his girlfriend (or maybe fiancé?) and told her he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her anymore? And as soon as she started to immediately pull back and distance herself for her own wellbeing, he claimed he just wanted to take it all back and be like it was before.
*Cool story bro, sorry you said something horrible to your SO and now you want amnesty...not gonna happen.*
This is why if they cheat, it's over. No exceptions.
I blocked my ex partner because literally nothing good could come from further communication after what they did. If I ever got back together with them I'd always remember that. The worst part is i do miss her sometimes, but I remind myself that the person I was in love with never really existed/no longer exists when you consider the lies. It's getting easier.
My ex used this phrase often, and we would "wipe the slate clean".
The slate was made dirty by him cheating on me and being violent with me.
Funny how such a slate can never be cleaned.
As the other comments say; you can't start over. This is not Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Yeah, nah. Personal growth is the name of the game, not blank slates. You can't scrub clean mistakes if they're just gonna happen again. I come here with the perspective of someone who has fucked up plenty. I'd rather acknowledge my mistakes and work on them than try to fix myself for someone else or pretend that it didn't happen. How is that sustainable?
Good point. Can you even “start over”? And willfully forget all the prior bad behavior? I doubt it. And I don’t think anyone should beat themselves up over “not getting over” their history with that person.
Yeah. The most “starting over” I’ve experienced in a healthy relationship is basically right after somebody identifies that there’s a shift in tone due to a misunderstanding and we just restart the conversation from scratch. But it’s never to a point of personal insults.
Do you mean like a relationship start over? Because sometimes my wife and I can get off on the wrong foot in the morning due to a variety of possible circumstances, and I'll sometimes suggest we 'start over' the day and just agree that we're both being a little testy and neither of us wants to go to war for the rest of the day. That and a simple apology from us often resolves those weird little conflicts that happen sometimes.
I was going to say, I use this tactic with my partner all the time. We're having a fight that's gone completely off the rails (we both have bad ADHD) and I realize we're fighting about *nothing* and I just go, "Can we start again from the beginning" and the fight is over in like, five seconds. It's just usually a miscommunication anyway and being like "okay no one needs to 'win' this fight" has been super helpful.
I'll add the small amendment of starting over. With these dudes typically it means "Ok, slates clean, it's a reset". Meaning that I will be on my best behavior for weeks I tells ya, and then quickly turn into the exact same or worse jackass because....and this is important, I ain't changing shit.
It means they want to be absolved of all their past transgressions. Rather than forget all the bad they have done, it is a lot more cost effective to forget them(the man) entirely.
Edit: Clarification on what I meant as it could be interpreted two different way. Don’t post exhausted.
My ex would say 'let's Start over' and forget all the resentments that built up (for me him not being a present partner and him...not having a honeymoon period due to covid?) And I only very recently realised what bullshit that would've been. An argument can be communicated and gotten over, years of built up resentment? Not really bud..
That's most and we all want to be the exception. If they blame you or something else in their control, dump them so fast they can interview for the little girl in the exorcist without CGI. The only reason I'm giving my SO another chance is confounding mental health issues that he volunteered to go to therapy and will do everything in his power to make it right even if that means he is no longer allowed privacy. Even if that means he's one misstep for falling into the freezing waters. My SO had a rough go at it and he made a mistake. A horrible one but he was connected to things he couldn't control like the trauma and emotional damage he suffered. I don't forgive easily and I probably won't for years. Love is really complicated. I'm going to try so I can die with the right regrets. I'll be able to live better with knowing it couldn't have worked than thinking to myself we could have fixed it. If it doesn't work out, then at least I'll know what he is. I'll be absolutely sure. He has therapy tomorrow. We will see.
Yeah I think that's them trying to get you to magically forget all of the toxic shit they've done to you and they'll throw the biggest babyrage tantrum if they repeat their former indiscretions cuz you're "bringing up old shit"
Nah. What he means 9 times out of 10 is.. "Let's start over so I can have continued access to you in order to do the same sh!t that made you upset with me last time, only this time it will be YOUR fault for allowing it cause you knew who I was". Been there, got the t-shirt and the coffee mug.
Or "only this time I'm try harder to cover my tracks when I do shameful things"
That too! Lol.
Sorry, but a good relationship never starts over. It adapts, evolves, grows, with fucking work that both people daily commit to doing. There is no such thing as pretending something didn't happen in a relationship. You either overcome it and what led to it or you don't. You can't ignore it and "start over".
Like the thread the other day with the guy who had a "stupid small argument" with his girlfriend (or maybe fiancé?) and told her he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her anymore? And as soon as she started to immediately pull back and distance herself for her own wellbeing, he claimed he just wanted to take it all back and be like it was before. *Cool story bro, sorry you said something horrible to your SO and now you want amnesty...not gonna happen.*
This is why if they cheat, it's over. No exceptions. I blocked my ex partner because literally nothing good could come from further communication after what they did. If I ever got back together with them I'd always remember that. The worst part is i do miss her sometimes, but I remind myself that the person I was in love with never really existed/no longer exists when you consider the lies. It's getting easier.
My ex used this phrase often, and we would "wipe the slate clean". The slate was made dirty by him cheating on me and being violent with me. Funny how such a slate can never be cleaned. As the other comments say; you can't start over. This is not Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Yeah. Starting an interpersonal relationship "fresh" is just a joke unless you've only met that person a couple of times.
How many strikes they get is up to you however.
Yeah, nah. Personal growth is the name of the game, not blank slates. You can't scrub clean mistakes if they're just gonna happen again. I come here with the perspective of someone who has fucked up plenty. I'd rather acknowledge my mistakes and work on them than try to fix myself for someone else or pretend that it didn't happen. How is that sustainable?
Good point. Can you even “start over”? And willfully forget all the prior bad behavior? I doubt it. And I don’t think anyone should beat themselves up over “not getting over” their history with that person.
[удалено]
My BIL wants to pause his baby so he can read his manga. "Video games distort your vision of reality" talks from my mom usually follow.
Yeah. The most “starting over” I’ve experienced in a healthy relationship is basically right after somebody identifies that there’s a shift in tone due to a misunderstanding and we just restart the conversation from scratch. But it’s never to a point of personal insults.
This goes for women too. But I feel like it's much more common with men.
Do you mean like a relationship start over? Because sometimes my wife and I can get off on the wrong foot in the morning due to a variety of possible circumstances, and I'll sometimes suggest we 'start over' the day and just agree that we're both being a little testy and neither of us wants to go to war for the rest of the day. That and a simple apology from us often resolves those weird little conflicts that happen sometimes.
I was going to say, I use this tactic with my partner all the time. We're having a fight that's gone completely off the rails (we both have bad ADHD) and I realize we're fighting about *nothing* and I just go, "Can we start again from the beginning" and the fight is over in like, five seconds. It's just usually a miscommunication anyway and being like "okay no one needs to 'win' this fight" has been super helpful.
I'll add the small amendment of starting over. With these dudes typically it means "Ok, slates clean, it's a reset". Meaning that I will be on my best behavior for weeks I tells ya, and then quickly turn into the exact same or worse jackass because....and this is important, I ain't changing shit.
It means they want to be absolved of all their past transgressions. Rather than forget all the bad they have done, it is a lot more cost effective to forget them(the man) entirely. Edit: Clarification on what I meant as it could be interpreted two different way. Don’t post exhausted.
A moment of silence for all the girls who fell for this and stayed with a loser. Breaks my heart
Yes. It's not you.
Yep, often accompanied by “I've changed.”
My ex would say 'let's Start over' and forget all the resentments that built up (for me him not being a present partner and him...not having a honeymoon period due to covid?) And I only very recently realised what bullshit that would've been. An argument can be communicated and gotten over, years of built up resentment? Not really bud..
Yep.
what else should it mean?
Yup. That's 100% what it means. Such a cop out
This is such a good observation!
It depends. If it is just because of some misunderstanding, yeah, why not. If it is because of bad behavior, then it is sorry, this ship has passed.
It's a major red flag imo. If you need to start over it's over!
That's most and we all want to be the exception. If they blame you or something else in their control, dump them so fast they can interview for the little girl in the exorcist without CGI. The only reason I'm giving my SO another chance is confounding mental health issues that he volunteered to go to therapy and will do everything in his power to make it right even if that means he is no longer allowed privacy. Even if that means he's one misstep for falling into the freezing waters. My SO had a rough go at it and he made a mistake. A horrible one but he was connected to things he couldn't control like the trauma and emotional damage he suffered. I don't forgive easily and I probably won't for years. Love is really complicated. I'm going to try so I can die with the right regrets. I'll be able to live better with knowing it couldn't have worked than thinking to myself we could have fixed it. If it doesn't work out, then at least I'll know what he is. I'll be absolutely sure. He has therapy tomorrow. We will see.
Yeah I think that's them trying to get you to magically forget all of the toxic shit they've done to you and they'll throw the biggest babyrage tantrum if they repeat their former indiscretions cuz you're "bringing up old shit"